My Boyfriend's Back (1993) - full transcript

[Boy] All my life I've been
in love with Missy McCloud.

That's her, back at her
first grade birthday party.

Even at the age of six,
Missy was the kind of girl...

that everyone just liked
being around, me especially.

That's me in the back, with the
little red fireman's hat on.

And that is the most amazing
present in the world.

It took me almost a year
to save up enough to buy it.

And when she opened it, I was sure
she'd fall helplessly in love with me.

- It couldn't fail.
- I love it.

Johnny, don't you have
something for Missy?

[Johnny Narrating]
This was it, my golden moment.



In front of everyone, the most
exotic creature alive...

would fall totally in love
with me, forever.

I had the confidence.
I had the gift.

- Well, son?
- But I wimped out.

[Woman]
All right, kids, cake time!

Come on!

[Kids Laughing, Shouting]

What are you
looking at, dirt bag?

Here, honey,
you sit there.

[Woman]
Make a wish.

- Happy birthday!
- [Man] That's my girl.

[Johnny Narrating] Over the next
12 years, I lusted after Missy.

She filled out
in all the right places...

the ones I'd been reading about
in the National Geographic.



The more she grew up, the more
helplessly in love I became.

That was the problem.

Well, you know what they say:
love makes you do crazy things.

Well, my love for Missy drove me
to do the most unimaginable thing...

one human being can do to another,
but that comes later.

My story begins at the end of
my senior year in high school...

on the historic day after Missy broke up
with Buck Van Patten...

her boyfriend
for the last six years.

I was ecstatic.

This day was the beginning
of the end of my life.

[Alarm Ringing]

Damn right, 7:15.
[Groans]

Huh.

Doom.

Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.

- What's your hurry there, son?
- Today I'm going to ask...

the most perfect girl
in the world to the prom.

Oh, you're going to ask
your own mother, eh?

[Giggles]
Oh, you.

Sit down, honey.
Breakfast is ready.

- No time, Mom.
- Always time for a good breakfast.

- You're absolutely right.
- A donut isn't breakfast.

It's fine, Ma.

Where's the vitamin C?
Where's the fiber?

[Johnny]
I'll eat on the way.

Well, that way better not take you
across Mrs. Jones's yard, son.

We don't want the neighbors
to think ill of us.

- Hi, Mrs. Smith.
- ♪ You say you wanna see me ♪

- ♪ But then you change your mind ♪
- Morning, Johnny.

- ♪ You say we were meant to be ♪
- Morning, Mrs.Jones. Hope you don't think ill of me.

♪ But it's the wrong time ♪

- Oh!
- [Groans]

♪ Maybe I'm not
the right girl for you ♪

- ♪ Because I work too hard to believe it's true ♪
- Good morning.

- Hi.
- ♪ But then I love all the crazy things you do ♪

- ♪ So I'm in limbo ♪
- Hi, Johnny. - Hello.

♪ I'm dancin' in limbo ♪

♪ I ask you yes or no
You tell me maybe ♪

- [Man] Good morning, John.
- [Woman] Beautiful day!

- ♪ I'm sinking down so low I think I'm in Hades ♪
- It certainly is.

♪ Well, Dante
never had it so good ♪

♪ 'Cause if it's hell I'm in
at least it's understood ♪

♪ And I'd believe in heaven
if I only could ♪

♪ But I'm in limbo ♪

♪ I'm dancin' in limbo ♪

♪ They don't know
what they want from me ♪

♪ And maybe I don't know
where I wanna be ♪

♪ But with the way things look
I know we're permanently ♪

- ♪ Yeah, I'm in limbo ♪
- Slow it down, Johnny.

- Hi, Mrs. Applebaum.
- Hi, Johnny. How are you?

♪ Why don't you
shake your body down ♪

- [Bell Ringing]
- ♪ We're gonna groove in ambiguity ♪

♪ Until we hit the ground♪♪

[Johnny Narrating]
There she is.

That's Missy, all grown up.

And that's my friend Eddie.

He's a dick, but I like him.

Hey, Missy. I just wanted to say
you look really nice today...

in a physically perfect,
newly available kind of way.

- Thanks.
- Extinguish all talking.

Now who can tell me
how heroes are created?

- Gerald?
- Th-That's a tricky question.

I don't think heroes are born,
I think they're made.

They're normal men faced with
extraordinary circumstances.

My personal hero
is Jane Goodall.

When she was born she didn't know
anything about apes and their culture...

- but as she grew, she studied really hard...
- Hey, Tiger.

- You talkin' to me?
- Mm-hmm.

I know that you've been really concerned
lately that you're still a virgin...

and you don't have
a date to the prom.

And that you're
sexually stupid.

But those things,
they mean nothing to me.

I love you just the way you are.

Oh, I see. I'm dreaming.

♪♪ [Marching]

Johnny! Dingle!

[Announcer] We're here at the Fair view gymnasium,
the site of Johnny Dingle's...

most ambitious
sexual challenge to date.

And there's
Johnny Dingle himself...

looking really pumped up
for tonight's event.

The crowd just loves this kid!

- It looks like he may go all the way tonight!
- [Starting Gun Fires]

- And there he goes!
- [Blows Whistle]

- Oh, and a flag on the play!
- What?

Personal foul.
The challenger, Johnny Dingle...

is not using
a regulation-size unit.

He's disqualified!

- What do you mean it's not regulation?
- [Crowd Booing]

This is the most pathetic
sexual fantasy I've ever seen.

[Booing]

Say good night, sex boy.

- [Bell Ringing]
- No!

Go get her.

[P.A. System] Attention, students.
There will be a surprise fire drill...

- Missy.
- Yeah?

I, uh, I have something
I want to ask.

Okay, shoot.

- Are you trying to hypnotize me?
- No, no, um.

No, what I want
to ask you is this:

since you're not
seeing Buck anymore...

I was wondering if
maybe you'd like to go...

- [Buck] Make way!
- ♪♪ [Marching]

Move.
Move!

Buck, what are you doing?
What is this?

- I am so sorry. I'm an idiot.
- Well, no kidding.

You stand me up, and then
you don't even call me.

My car broke down.

I had to walk eight miles through
the rain to get to a telephone.

- When I got there, you were already gone.
- Really?

I would walk on glass...

and eat donkeys for you.

I can't live knowing
that you're not mine.

Will you go
to the prom with me?

Of course I will, silly.

I'm sorry too.
Let's not fight anymore.

[Bell Rings]

What's up, Dingle? Nice zit.

See you, Johnny.

- What are you lookin' at, dirt bag?
- Nothing.

Well, that blew ropy goat
chunks now, didn't it?

It's not over.

[Johnny Narrating] That's when I came up
with the plan that would change my life forever.

And it could have worked too.

It was swashbuckling,
romantic, daring.

- All right, let me see it. Let me see it.
- This is absurd.

[Johnny Narrating]
Unfortunately, it depended on Eddie.

All right, give me all your money.

That was it?
That was menacing?

All right, news flash.
This just in, Johnny.

Missy is going to the prom
with Buck. You got it?

Look, you pretend to kill her,
I save her life...

she thinks I'm a hero, ditches Buck
and goes to the prom with me.

How sweet is that?

This is desperate
and this is sick.

I think you should
get some therapy. I do.

[Johnny Narrating] With the steadfast
support of my best friend...

and the cool cunning
of a master tactician...

I swung into action.

♪♪ [Radio]

- Hi, Johnny.
- Hey, there.

[Cash Register Beeping]

- That it?
- Um...

- Anything else?
- Yeah, um, these.

Freeze! Don't move!
Give me your money!

Give me your mon...
[Toy Gun Firing]

Give me your money.
Come on, come on...

[Car Approaching]

What the hell do you
think you're doing?

Uh, nothing.

- Are you gonna rob this store?
- Uh, yes, yes, I was.

But you can rob it if you want.
I can come back tomorrow.

- I can always come back tomorrow.
- Give me your mask.

Okay, we have one flyswatter,
one pair of red, fuzzy dice...

yellow army tank.

Anything else? Chinese checkers,
a birdhouse, perhaps?

All right, give me all your money,
or I'll blow your goddamm brains out!

- Hey! Don't talk to her like that!
- What?

Who the hell do you
think you are, buddy?

- Excuse me, do you have a gun?
- No.

- Then shut up!
- [Whispers] Not so over the top.

What?

- Shit.
- Let's go.

Damn right, "let's go."

Let's go!

[Cocks Gun]

Look out!

[Glass Cracking]

Johnny?
Johnny?

Johnny?
Oh!

Oh, my god.
I'm not dreaming.

Would you like to go
to the prom with me?

Sure.

Great.

[Missy Gasps]

♪♪ [Pipe Organ]

Oh, Johnny, are you lost?
Are you alone?

If you fallin your empty fore stand
you cry out, will no one hear you?

We here today will join you
in such a short time.

We will miss you dearly.

Ashes to ashes,
dust to dust.

What once was,
is no longer. Amen.

- Amen.
- Amen.

[Howls]

[Father] Good-bye, son.
Be nice to God.

I made you bologna and mustard
with the edges cut off...

just the way you like it.

You eat all of it,
do you hear me?

You hear your mother?

Come on, Marge.

Good-bye, Johnny.

I wish we could have
gotten to know each other.

[Spitting]

[Clock Chiming, Owl Hooting]

[Animal Howling]

[Cat Hissing]

[Howling Continues]

[Rat Squeaking]

Oh, hi there.
I'm Murray.

- Murray Brickman.
- Johnny Dingle.

Nice to meet you,
Johnny Dingle.

Oh, look at you.
You're a mess.

Just crawled out
of the grave, did you?

- I guess so.
- Isn't that something.

Been a long time since anybody
came back from the dead.

I think the last time
was Thanksgiving, 15 years ago.

Hey, wait a minute. Did you say
come back from the dead?

Yes. You're now one
of the undead, Johnny Dingle.

Doomed to spend the rest of your days
shunned by the human race.

- Whoa, where you going?
- Home.

No, you're not. That's what I'm trying
to tell you, Johnny Dingle.

You can't ever leave
the cemetery again.

I'm not gonna live in the cemetery
the rest of my life.

I got a date Friday night.

I'm very sorry. You'll
have to break the date.

You're crazy. I'm going to the prom
with Missy McCloud.

I'm sure she's very nice,
but you still can't leave.

Only death awaits you
among the living.

- I am among the living.
- You're undead.

Hey, look, just because
I crawled out of a grave...

doesn't mean
I'm a friggin' zombie.

It does if you were dead
before you went into the grave.

Okay, look, I admit
maybe I got shot...

- but I didn't die.
- You're very unreasonable.

Excuse me. Where do you
think you're going?

How could I be dead?
I've never felt better in my life.

- [Chuckles]
- I'm in love.

- I feel great.
- No, J-Johnny!

- If you leave, you'll...
- I'll what?

You'll find out.

- Hi, Mom.
- Mmm.

- Hi, Dad.
- Hi, Johnny.

[Parents Screaming]

[Dog Barking]

You know, son, your mother and I
and the ambulance driver...

and the coroner
and the embalmer...

were all pretty much convinced
that you were dead.

I got better.

Huh.
Well, welcome home, son.

- Thanks.
- Are you hungry? Do you want something to eat?

Gee, there's a lot of food
left over from the funeral.

[Yawning]

[Yawning]

Oh, my god.

I am dead.

[Alarm Clock Ringing, Groans]

Johnny, breakfast is ready.

- [Dog Barking]
- [Johnny] Coming, Mom.

No thanks, Mom.

- Hmm, you look a little pale this morning, son.
- I'm dead, Dad.

How about some eggs?

- Not hungry.
- Not hungry, he says. Did you hear him?

- Have you got a temperature?
- Of course not.

I just told you,
I'm dead.

Well, I'm calling Emille Bronson.

I am not going to Dr. Bronson.
I'm not that desperate.

Ho, ho, ho, ho! I guess I know one young
man who's not going to school today.

Hello, Dr. Bronson.
This is Marge Dingle.

Dr. Bronson, the reason I called
is our son, Johnny...

died the other day and I was wondering
if you could take a look at him.

Would you like
to talk to him?

Sure.
Johnny?

- Eddie Conners?
- Yeah, I'm here.

Johnny Dingle? Oh.

[Students Gasping]

Hi, buddy. Hey!

Sorry I'm late, Mrs. Cooper.
You wouldn't believe the trouble I had getting here.

I would believe it,
and I'm not impressed.

- You get one demerit.
- But...

Just because you're dead does not mean that you
can come waltzing in here when you like.

- John Craig?
- Present.

- Linda Given.
- Here.

[Bell Ringing]

- [Girl] Hi.
- Hi.

- Hey, Missy, wait a minute.
- Johnny, hi.

Uh, listen, you know,
I think it's really great...

that you're back from the dead
and all, but I've got gym.

- But wait a minute.
- [Girl] Is that him? - Yeah!

[Eddie] Look,
maybe she's uncomfortable...

because, you know,
you are recently deceased.

- Eddie, come on, be serious.
- I am serious, Johnny.

I'm just dead. It's not like
I'm an asshole or anything.

I didn't say
you were an asshole.

It's just that some people might consider
being dead somewhat... unfashionable.

- That's really shallow of you, Eddie.
- Shut up and eat your food.

God! I can't eat this.
It's disgusting.

You never thought it was
disgusting before.

This is totally different. They must
have done something weird to it.

If you don't want it, I'll eat it.

- [Screams]
- What?

What do you mean, "What?" You just
tried to take a bite out of my arm!

Oh, I'm sorry, Eddie.
It was just gonna be a little bite.

Johnny, you shouldn't
be taking any bites.

- Here, let me...
- No, no, no!

You just get the hell
away from my arm.

See you.

- Missy, hey.
- [Groans]

I just want to know what time
I should pick you up for the prom.

Um, you shouldn't.

- What do you mean?
- I have to go.

Wait a minute. Are you mad 'cause
I tried to take a bite out of Eddie?

- Oh, no, of course not.
- Then what's wrong?

You're not breaking
our date, are you?

- I came back from the dead for this date.
- Well, gee, Johnny...

it's just, I really didn't
expect you to make it.

Well, I wouldn't have asked
if I couldn't make it.

I'm sorry.

[Guy] Hey, look,
it's that dead kid.

It's because I'm dead, isn't it?

- That's why you won't go out with me.
- Don't insult me.

You're afraid of what
people might say, aren't you?

Behind your back, everybody whispering,
"There goes Missy with the dead kid."

Look, that has nothing
to do with it, okay?

I only said I would go to the prom
with you because you were dying.

- I'm Buck's girlfriend.
- All right then, forget the prom for now.

- How about a movie? Johnny.
- Hi there.

- Buck, hi.
- Hi.

Dead little snot.

You think you can hang out with us
decent living folks like you're still alive?

Why is everyone making such a big deal
about this? I've only been dead one day.

We're watching you, dead boy.
We don't like your kind.

- You're stinkin' up the whole school.
- Chuck!

What are people gonna say? My girlfriend
hanging outwith a decaying kid.

I don't really care what people think
and he's actually a nice guy...

- so cut it out.
- Let's go.

I better not ever catch you
with that dead kid again.

I got a reputation.

Eight o'clock.

[Johnny Narrating]
This was it.

This was the beginning
of a dream come true.

I picked her up early.
I had all the right moves.

I was like Tom Cruise,
only dead.

The stage was set for the most
romantic evening in history.

- [Movie Narrator] ...womb of hell itself.
- [Groaning]

Eternally seeking the flesh
of the living.

Bloodthirsty zombies
howling for your flesh.

Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.

Excuse me.

Thanks.

- What are these?
- Ju Jubes.

Really? Are they good?
I've never had one.

Never?
You've never had a Ju Jube?

- Say, isn't that Buck's girl?
- It sure is.

- What's she doing here with the dead kid?
- I don't know, man.

They're good, right?
But what's the problem?

- They're stuck in my teeth.
- Right, right.

- So what you do is take a drink of your soda.
- Why?

Just take a drink. Trust me.

There's something wonderful happening
in your mouth now, right?

[Giggles]

I can't believe that you came up
with a whole system for this.

[Zombies Howling, Soda Spills]

- Oh, god, I'm sorry. Let me, um...
- No, it's okay.

Bloodthirsty zombies
at the foot of your bed...

howling for your flesh.

Zombies, like the one right there!

You know, it's terrible the way those
zombie movies twist the truth like that.

There's a lot of prejudice
against the undead.

♪♪ [Radio]

Can I touch you?

Uh-huh.

Your skin feels different
than most guys.

- Does that hurt?
- Not much.

Can you even feel it?

Uh-huh.

Can you feel that?

Yeah, I can feel that.

I like you, Johnny.

Really? Can I kiss you?

Uh-huh.

♪ Ready or not once I get started I ♪

♪ I just can't stop the fever ♪

♪ It keeps comin' back for more ♪

♪ I can't stop the fever ♪

♪ It's burning down my door ♪♪

Oh, god.

[Both Panting]

I don't know what it is about you now,
Johnny, but you drive me crazy.

Oh?

- Missy?
- Hmm?

Oh, I know you're already
going with Buck to the prom...

- but I was thinking that maybe...
- [Ripping]

What was that?

Your ear.

What?

- Your ear fell off.
- Oh, shit.

Is that you, sweetheart?

Uh, yes, Dad!
Here, take your ear.

Oh, shit.

But...

[Johnny Narrating] I heard someone
my age is supposed to be comfortable...

with the way their body changes,
but given the circumstances...

this was too much.

- [Doorbell Buzzes]
- Dr. Bronson?

- [Buzzes Again]
- Dr. Bronson?

- Yes?
- I'm dead.

[Sighs]
Okay, well, you're dead...

which is unusual because we don't normally
see this much activity in a dead person.

- Let's look at your symptoms.
- I'm decaying.

Oh, good.
Symptom number one: decay.

All right.
Is that your ear, then?

It fell off about 20 minutes ago.

May I see it?

It's still in good shape.
It's just not on my head.

Hello? Hello?
I'm just teasing.

- May I keep it?
- No way!

Well, I need skin samples
so I can run some tests.

Well... here.

- [Skin Ripping]
- Well, that's very disgusting, but I guess that'll do fine.

Isn't there, um, some kind of medicine
I could take while you look at that?

- A shot or something?
- To avoid decaying?

- Yes!
- No.

Everything that is dead
eventually decays.

Oh, my god.

Wait, wait.
I do think maybe I...

- Aha!
- "Aha" what?

I think I can help you
with that ear.

- You want me to glue it on?
- Well, it's either that or the staple gun.

Okay, fine.
This takes care of my ear.

What should I do
about the rest of me?

You really want to know what
I'd do in your situation?

[Johnny Narrating] That's when
he sent me to Maggie Benson.

The doctor said that
at the rate I was decaying...

I'd be dead, really dead,
by tomorrow.

- So Maggie was my only choice.
- [Knocking]

Local legend had it that her husband came
back from the dead 15 years ago, just like me.

So if anyone could help me with my
decaying thing, she'd be the one.

Hello?

Anybody here?

[Screams]

[Maggie]
Oh, my dear boy.

You're a zombie.

So it ripped right off
in her mouth, did it?

Yes, ma'am.
Right off.

[Laughing] That must have been
so embarrassing.

You have no idea.

She must be quite a gal.

She is.

But I don't know if she'll even
see me after what happened.

Have a little faith.

Things aren't so bad.

No, they're pretty bad.

I just found out I'm gonna be
really dead by tomorrow.

I was told you knew how to
stop that from happening.

Oh, Johnny, I...

I haven't talked about zombies
for a long, long time.

I need to live long enough to go to the
prom tomorrow night. I'll do anything.

- Oh, no, don't be so quick to...
- Anything.

Oh, my dear boy,
you don't understand.

There is something you can do...

but it is a terrible thing.

Tell me.

[Sighing]

Flesh of the living.

The more you eat,
the more time you have.

Are you crazy?

There's nothing else
you can do.

There's got to be.

Look, I almost took a bite out of my friend
Eddie and it was such the wrong thing to do.

He's very mad.

- A bite will give you about 20 minutes.
- Twenty minutes?

- I need a whole day.
- Then you'll have to eat a little more.

- How much more?
- Oh, my goodness, it's hard to say.

An arm, a leg,
a stomach, a foot.

It's not an exact science,
you know.

What kind of friggin' nut are you,
tellin' me to go out and eat people?

I'm not telling you
to eat people.

I'm saying eating the flesh of the living is...
buying you a little more time...

but it's an awful price to pay.

Well, it doesn't matter because
I'm not eating anybody!

Well, then you'll be
dead by tomorrow.

- How the hell do you know?
- John Dingle, I know.

Well, I'm gonna find a way.

[Liquid Boiling]

[Doctor Bronson]
I have acquired a skin sample...

from Johnny Dingle,
17 and a zombie.

In order to prevent him
from completely decaying...

I must use his flesh
to create a serum...

that will actually reverse the natural
process of decay we all suffer...

as we grow older.

It stands to reason that his zombie
flesh should contain within it...

the genetic code for the reanimation
of dead tissue.

- [Explosion]
- Ergo, life after death.

[Knocking]

[Knocking]

Hi, Johnny.

Hi. What are you doing here?

Oh, I just came by
to see how you were.

How's your ear?

Fine. Good as new.

Let me see.

Wow! You know, you can hardly
even tell it ripped off your head.

You think so? I was feeling
a little insecure about it.

[Sighs]
You know, Johnny...

you're a really
good-looking guy.

- You think so?
- Absolutely.

A little style in your...

- Oh, shit.
- What?

[Nervous Laugh]
Sorry.

Oh, that's all right.
It's not your fault.

Here, let me see if I can just...

You smell really nice.

- Thanks.
- [Sneezes]

Um, my...

I'll get it.

Got it.

Be sure you get it on straight.

Oh, it's on straight.

There. Much better.

Listen, Johnny,
it's getting kind of late.

I should probably be going so you can
lay down and let that nose harden.

No, no, wait, wait, wait.
Don't leave, don't leave.

- I want to talk to you...
- Let go!

Johnny, I am not even gonna look.
Just get this thing off of me.

- I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
- I'll see you tomorrow.

No, wait! Everything's fine.
Don't leave. Minor setback.

Johnny, look at you!

I'm fine. Nothing else
is gonna fall off.

[Creaking, Falling]

- [Gasps]
- [Screams]

Thank you, God.
Thank you, God.

[Mother] Shake a leg,
Johnny! Breakfast!

- [Dog Barking]
- Mom, I told you I can't eat that stuff anymore.

There's got to be
someone I can eat.

[Stomach Growling]

[Stomach Growling]

- Back off, dead boy.
- Sorry.

- Hi, Johnny.
- Oh, hi.

[Missy] Do you remember last night
when we were in the car...

- and your ear... you know, it...
- Fell off?

Right. Well, that got me to wondering.

What if your other
ear were to fall off?

Uh-huh.

Well, then, what if other stuff
started falling off.

- I don't know, like your arms or something.
- Yeah.

Well, then if stuff
just kept falling off...

- pretty soon...
- I'd just be a little pile of stuff.

Right.

So what I was wondering is if something
like that might actually happen?

If it did would you
feel different towards me?

Is that what's gonna
happen to you, Johnny?

It's...
It's a definite possibility.

Oh, god.

You are so different from any
other guy I have ever known.

Buck would kill me if he found out
I was going outwith you.

You're decaying and...

Still, god, I wish
you weren't dead.

Me too.

You know, I've never kissed
a dead guy before you, Johnny.

- Got you!
- Geez!

Damn it! Holy...

Come here, you stinkin'
dead ya-hoo toucher!

- Buck, stop him.
- [Chuck] Come here!

Hey, come on.

Chuck, you don't understand.

Come on, Chuck, let's sit down
and just hash this thing out.

I'm gonna kill you, dead boy!

- [Chuck] Come here!
- Maybe we should, uh...

Come here, you stinkin'
dead ya-hoo toucher!

Chuck, look.

Chuck.

Chuck!
Chuck, let's um...

Chuck.
Chuck.

- Chuck, let's discuss this.
- Okay.

[Laughing]

- Uh-oh.
- Huh?

Chuck?

You okay?

[Stomach Growls]

I am really, truly sorry
about this, Chuck.

There's just no other way.

Oh! Oh, no!

Oh, hi, Eddie.

You know, colleges look
at this sort of thing!

- Oh.
- Johnny?

Oh, great.

Oh, my god!
How could you?

You ate Chuck!

Not all of him.

- [Siren Wailing] - Hello, this is Brenda
Bodine and we're coming to you live...

from Fairview High School where we just
received word that some sort of tragic...

- Excuse me. Sheriff McCloud.
- I'm gonna have to ask you all...

We just received word that some sort of tragedy
has happened in the high school today.

- Uh, no, nothing unusual.
- I was referring to the slaughter.

- Right. Well, there was that.
- Sheriff...

Earlier today one of the students
got badly killed.

We've heard reports that the murderer
might have been 17-year-old Johnny Dingle.

I'm going to make
an official statement here.

Johnny Dingle is dead. Okay?

Yes, but then this wouldn't
be the first time...

that someone has come back
from the dead in Fairview...

to wreak havoc
on an innocent victim.

What is a zombie and how can you tell if
there's one living in your neighborhood?

- [Intercom Buzzes]
- Ooh!

- [Woman] Emille?
- What is it?

- You have a patient.
- I'm busy.

It's Chuck Bronski.
He was eaten in school today.

All right, all right,
I'll have a look at him.

But while I'm doing that, I want you
to go out and find me a live chicken.

- A chicken?
- Just do it!

All right.

Hello, Chuck. My name is Doctor Bronson.
How are we doing today?

I see.

Chuck, you've suffered
a lot of bleeding...

and there's an ax in your head...

and it appears that someone
has eaten your stomach.

Pulse is a little lower than I'd like.

Let's just take a look
at your retinal response.

Oh, hi. You must be
Big Chuck Bronski.

Hello.

[Big Chuck]
Oh, my god!

[Doctor Bronson] I have some
bad news. Your boy is very sick.

He's lost a massive
amount of blood...

and his pulse and retinal
response are poor...

and, as you can see, there's
an ax sticking out of his head.

- He's not sick, you idiot, he's dead!
- Oh, everybody's a doctor!

You think maybe I could
make the diagnosis?

- [Groaning]
- It's like somebody ate him!

What kind of a monster would do that
to another human being?

- Mom!
- [Dog Barks]

- Here.
- I have a big problem.

- John, you have a visitor.
- Oh, hey, Eddie.

Look, about today, that wasn't
entirely my fault.

Oh, it's not just today.
It's yesterday too.

- What happened yesterday?
- You tried to eat my arm, pal!

Oh, I think you owe
someone an apology.

I'm sorry.
I'm really, really sorry.

Just... Just don't try
to eat me anymore, all right?

- I promise.
- Still buds?

- Huh?
- Yeah, still buds.

Ah, that's what I like to hear.

Hi, honey.

Hi, sweetie.

Oh, son, did you by any chance
murder a boy in school today?

- It wasn't murder. It was an accident.
- Well, I hope you didn't eat him.

- [Parents Make Kissing Sounds]
- 'Cause lunch is in five minutes...

and I picked up something special
for you at the supermarket.

Oh, boy!

- Hi.
- Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.

- Mmm!
- You picked up a little kid!

[Mother] Am I wrong, or do you
have to eat the flesh of the living?

Mom, I absolutely
can't do that anymore!

Well, there are hungry people all over
the world who'd be thrilled to eat him.

Yeah, my mom says that
to me all the time.

[Johnny] Come on,
just send him home!

- [Doorbell Chimes]
- Uh, I'll get it.

Oh, shit!

[Humming]

- Mr. Dingle?
- Yes?

I understand that your boy
is a zombie.

- Mm-hmm, yes, that's right.
- Well, he killed and ate my boy today...

so me and some of the other guys
decided to come over and talk to him.

Uh, hold on. Honey!

- There's some people here who want to talk to Johnny.
- Invite them in!

Uh, I don't want them
to think ill of us.

Well, uh, oh!
Honey, this is the father...

of the boy that Johnny
murdered in school today.

I know how difficult
it is to lose a son.

We lost Johnny just
a couple of days ago.

Yes, ma'am.
I'm still reeling.

So is there someway
we could see the boy?

Sure. I think he's hiding
in the closet. Johnny!

Come on out, sweetie!

Are they gone?

Whoa! Hey, quit it!

- Oh, wow.
- Will you cut it out?

- Ooh, wicked, awesome.
- [Father] Uh, fellas...

Johnny's already dead, you see...

so, um, you're gonna have
a hard time killing him.

- Hi, Daddy.
- Oh, hi, little Chuck.

- Little Chuck?
- This is little Chuck?

- What are you doing with my one remaining son?
- Nice going, Ma.

Daddy, that dead-man
tried to eat me.

- Stop it!
- That won't work, you idiots!

- But this will.
- [Mother] Excuse me.

- You wouldn't shoot me.
- I might.

- Jesus!
- Now get out of my house...

or I'll clip your manhood.

All right, Ma!

[Big Chuck] Come on, let's get out
of here. Let's go, little Chuck.

- All right, Daddy.
- We'll be back.

[Johnny Narrating]
It was time to stop running.

Time to summon up the courage that
had eluded me for 12 straight years.

Time to complete
my life's mission.

[Football Bangs On Floor]

It was still there.

Waiting patiently for this moment.
Gathering a little dust, sure...

but otherwise... untouched.

I had the confidence.
I had the gift.

This time
I was definitely ready.

[Cars Driving By]

[Brandi] I was actually not looking
forward to going to the prom.

And then my mom found this place where they
dye your shoes in the exact same shade...

as your fabric... and they're
also dyeing my purse.

Can I tell you... I am so relieved that
you are going to the prom with Buck.

I mean... I heard this really nasty rumor
that you might be going with that dead kid.

Oh... no. We just went
to the movies together.

He died for me. I figured it was the
least that I could do. N-No big deal.

♪ If I was true you'd be a lie ♪

♪ If I was blue you'd be the sky♪♪

Hi.

- Johnny, please, just leave.
- No, you have to listen to me.

How can you expect me to listen to you
after what you did to Chuck?

- I wanna talk to you about that.
- There is nothing you can say to make things better...

because you ate someone,
do you understand that?

Wait a minute! Are you afraid I might
eat you? Is that the problem?

Are you kidding me?
Will you just leave me alone!

You may not know this, Missy,
but I ate Chuck for you.

God, my boyfriend
won't even pump gas for me.

What?

Oh, geez, Miss,
I didn't wanna eat him...

but it was the only way I could live
long enough to go to the prom with you.

You ate someone just to go
to the prom with me?

I died for you! I came back
from the dead for you.

- I love you.
- [Girls Sighing]

Come on, let's go.

- I don't understand, Johnny.
- What?

How... you can love me so much?
How you can do all these things for me?

By god, if it ain't the zombie out
with a livin' woman.

- He's mighty proud.
- Go get Chuck.

Look, Miss...

other people might want you
because you're pretty and popular...

and they wanna
be seen with you.

I want you
because I love you.

- And I always have.
- [Woman] It's not natural.

- What's this?
- Open it.

I've been tryin' to give you
this since the first grade.

[Gasps]
Oh.

You are the kindest, smartest,
most beautiful girl I've ever known.

And, uh...
And I would die happy...

if you would dance just one dance
with me at the prom.

I would love to go
to the prom with you.

This mornin' he eats your boy and now
he's out there kissin' on the McCloud girl.

[Footsteps Approaching]

- Hey, what are you doing?
- Shut up, you little zombie slut!

- I am not a slut.
- Leave her alone.

- She's a good girl.
- Good girls don't hang around with dead boys.

- Tramp!
- Zombie lover.

- Whore of the undead.
- [Buck] Enough!

It's not her fault.

She was taken in
by his wily decaying ways.

- That's not true, Buck.
- You don't even know what you're saying.

I'll kill him.
I swear I'll kill him.

- Daddy.
- What the hell is goin' on here?

Johnny Dingle's
what's goin' on.

Johnny Dingle is dead. Right?

Yes, sir.

He ate my son and he's takin'
your daughter to the prom.

So I'd say that's pretty
damned active for a dead guy.

I demand a zombie burning!
I want vengeance for my son.

Yeah, you're damn right!

Missy, Johnny,
let's get in the car.

- [Crowd Chattering]
- [Man] Something's gotta be done.

[Big Chuck] You got until sundown,
Sheriff, to banish that abomination.

After that...
he's ours.

- Why, hello, Sheriff.
- Well...

to what do we owe
the pleasure of your visit?

I was hoping to have a word
with you about Johnny.

I think maybe it's time for the Dingles
and the McClouds to have a little chat.

- Well, this just looks wonderful, ma'am.
- [Dog Barks]

Let's all dig in.

[Laughs]

John, honey, I wonder, could you get us
some butter for the croissants?

- Sure, Mom.
- Thank you, dear.

[Laughs]

[Gasps] Mom?

Excuse me.

- What the hell is this?
- A body.

I know it's a body.

- Who put it here?
- I did.

- You did?
- I thought you might like a snack.

A snack? What are we,
the Manson family now?

Where did you get this body?

- Found it.
- You found it?

I was at the mortuary. They're
practically giving them away.

Mom, they don't give bodies
away... at the mortuary.

- I sure like beans.
- [Sheriff McCloud Laughs]

- Everything okay, then?
- Right as rain.

Mm-hmm. Then let's get right to it,
Johnny. I know you killed Chuck Bronski.

He didn't kill him, Daddy,
he just ate him.

[Sheriff McCloud] That's enough, young lady.
I'll have no more smart talk out of you!

Daddy, what about those guys at the
Donner Pass who ate their friends?

Nobody got mad at them.

- Would you excuse me for a moment, Sheriff?
- Of course.

You know what Big Chuck Bronski and the
townspeople would like to do to your son?

They'd like to break out some torches
and have themselves a zombie barbecue.

- What do you want me to do?
- I'll make you a deal.

- You leave town right now,
- [Clothes Ripping]

quietly, never show
your face around here again...

and I will keep the townspeople
off you until you get away.

- This sounds like a good deal.
- [Johnny] Okay, but only...

if I can escort
Missy to the prom first.

You are not taking my daughter to the
prom, you stupid dead son-of-a-bitch!

- I am going with him, Daddy.
- You are not going, and that is final!

You are being so unfair. What do you have
against Johnny besides the fact that he's dead?

- You need another reason?
- What are you so afraid of?

That you'll eat her,
for one thing.

Oh, that's crazy!
I would never eat Missy!

- He didn't eat us.
- He didn't eat the dog.

See?

Look, you little tough guy...

you get outta town now
or I will personally kill you again.

- You don't frighten me?
- Oh, no?

- And you can't stop me?
- Really?

- [Bell Rings]
- And what can I get for madame?

- Duck, please.
- Oh, tres bien. And for the monsieur?

I will have the T-bone steak.

Excellent choice.
And for the le petit monsieur...

may I suggest
the delicious buffet?

Get your food, honey.

You just don't know when to stop,
do you, you miserable little shit?

- This is the buffet?
- You tell me?

Is there anyone in my family
you don't plan to eat today?

- I didn't do this. I'm not gonna eat you.
- 'Cause you're a coward.

- You shut up. Shut up!
- Coward. Coward.

Oh-ho, you're pretty tough when
it comes to eatin' high schoolers.

When it comes to chowin' down on a real man,
you're quite the little wussy, ain't ya?

Listen, pal,
you say one more thing...

- Wussy. Wussy.
- That's it.

- Johnny, don't do that. Oooh.
- [Bone Crunching]

- Not so easy, is it? There's a lot of livin' in that foot.
- [Munching On Foot]

- There, smart-ass.
- Foot's easy.

There's nothing on a foot. Now,
calf's a different story; all muscle!

We'll just see about that.

- Oh, you can kiss that calf muscle good-bye, fat man.
- [Munching On Calf]

[Munching, Crunching Continues]

I'm stuffed.

You call that eating? A herd of guppies
could've picked me clean in half the time.

Come on, it looks yummy. Yummy.

All right.

- [Water Bubbling In Stomach]
- [Gasps]

- Johnny!
- Missy!

Daddy was right; you were
gonna eat me, weren't you?

Don't be ridiculous,
I would never eat you.

And why not? What, I'm not
good enough for you?

Johnny...

I think you should try.

Come on...
take a little bite.

Don't you understand?
I love you.

And I love you, Johnny.

That's why I want you...
to eat me.

Don't you wanna eat me?

Well...

- [Mrs. Dingle] Johnny? Johnny honey?
- Mom?

Are you all right, son?

- Yeah.
- You don't look very good.

Where's Missy?

♪♪ ["Abilene" Performed
By Standard Fruit]

[Knocking At Door]

Come in.

Why aren't you dressed?

I'm not going.

Oh, sure you are,
honey, come on.

Hey, Buck's gonna
be here any minute.

I am not going to the prom
with Buck, Daddy.

The only person I want to go
to the prom with is Johnny.

Damn it, Missy!

Now, honey, I know that you care
about this boy, but...

in a couple of months you are
going to go off to college...

and you'll meet a nice young man
who's still alive.

- Won't that be better?
- I don't want a living boy, I want Johnny.

Get dressed! You are going
to the prom with Buck!

- I am not going to the prom...
- And that's final!

Johnny, are you okay?
I'm really sorry about my dad.

It's okay. Look, if you still wanna
go with me, put on your gown...

- and I'll carry you down the trellis.
- Okay.

[Trellis Cracking]

Aaa-oooh!

Johnny?
Johnny?

Oh, Johnny.

- My, uh... My muscles are starting to decay.
- Oh.

- Johnny.
- [Grunting]

[Missy] Here, grab my hand.
[Grunting]

- [Grunting Continues]
- [Johnny Groaning]

[Both Panting]

- Are you kind of dying now?
- [Panting] Kind of.

Maybe this'll help.

[Missy In Dream]
I want you... to eat me.

[Echoing] She is very tender
this evening.

Eat me.

Don't you wanna eat me?

- Aaah! [Panting]
- Oh, my god.

[Laughs]
It's okay, Johnny.

- Oh, my god, I'm sorry.
- No, it's okay. I don't care.

- I can't take you to the prom.
- No, Johnny.

- Don't be silly. It's fine.
- I have to go. I have to go, Missy.

- Johnny, no.
- [Door Opening]

Buck called.
He'll be here in a moment.

Get dressed...
and come downstairs.

Oh... I can't watch.

- The chicken... feels no pain.
- [Chicken Clucks]

[Grunts]

[Clucking]

- Now, this won't hurt a bit.
- [Clucking Continues]

- Emille.
- [Clucking]

Get in there. Okay.

- [Machine Hissing]
- [Chicken Shrieking]

- [Popping Noise]
- [Machine Beeping]

[Sighs]

- [Chick Chirping]
- Yes. It works.

- Emille. Oh, I'm so proud of you.
- It works.

Oh, Shelley, I'm about to save a young man's life.
A moment every physician dreams of.

Hope you won't think harshly of me,
darling, but I'm having a thought.

- Quick, the solution.
- Suppose we obtain a sizable quantity of the zombie flesh.

A few arms, a few legs.
He's almost dead already.

- I don't follow you.
- Then if we took the flesh...

- [Water Boiling] - and mixed up a really
big batch of your wonderful serum...

The fountain of youth; cosmetic
surgery without the surgery.

Shelley, nothing must prevent me from
honoring a promise I made to a young man...

in terrible, terrible trouble.

I think we could make
a shit load of money.

- What the hell are you doin'?
- No, no, what the hell are you doin'?

I'm leaving. I can't take Missy to
the prom, I just tried to eat her.

- Well, then get ready to say, "Eddie, you're a genius."
- Why?

Because I solved your problem.
I know how you can go with Missy without eating her.

- You do?
- Mm-hmm. My plan is so perfect, so simple.

- What is it? Yes!
- You ready?

Eat Buck.

- Are you crazy?
- Let's look at this logically.

Your biggest fear is that if you go the prom with Missy,
you might end up eating her.

Not if you're already full.

- Eddie, come on.
- If you eat Buck, Missy's gonna need a date to the prom.

You'll be full,
and you'll live longer.

- Would you be serious?
- I am serious.

I'm very, very serious.
Johnny, you're already going to Hell for all eternity, so...

- [Whispering] what do you care?
- [Car Door Opens]

♪♪ ["The Fever"
Performed By Danny Tate]

- God, I hate that guy.
- Eat him.

Eat him quick. Put on his tux and then
honk the horn. Missy will come out...

you two will go the prom together,
Missy's parents will think she's goin' with Buck.

It couldn't be more perfect. Let's jump
him on three. It's brilliant. One...

two...

- three!
- No, I can't.

Hi.

For you.

♪ Talkin' about the best inside of me ♪

♪ Talkin' about the best inside of me ♪

♪ Talkin' 'bout the way you
Talkin' 'bout the way you ♪

♪ Talkin' 'bout the way
you look at me now ♪♪

I have to go now.

I can't trust myself
to be around people anymore.

- Look, I don't care if you're a...
- No, this is it.

- I won't ever see you again. You know that, right?
- Yes.

- You're the worst friend I've ever had.
- You too.

Just don't forget me, Eddie...
after I'm gone, please?

- Just don't forget me.
- I won't.

[Car Horn Honking]

[Honking Continues]

I have wonderful news.
Ask me what?

- Would you come on already?
- I'm saving your life.

Hop in. We're going to my lab.

- Go get Missy.
- Okay.

♪♪ [Dance]

[People Chattering]

[Girl]
Oh, it looks so cool.

I guess you'd rather
be herewith the dead kid.

His name is Johnny.

If you like him so much, then
why didn't you go with him?

I did wanna go with him.
He just didn't wanna go with me.

- Are you telling me that you got dumped by the dead kid?
- [Eddie] Missy, wait!

- What do you want, dick-weed?
- I need to talk to you about Johnny.

- Johnny doesn't wanna be with me.
- Of course he does.

He was just afraid that if he was
with you, he might end up eating you.

You have two seconds to get out
of my face, ass-wipe.

Then, I'll rip your spine
up through your mouth.

- Oh.
- ♪♪ [Continues]

- [Grunts]
- Oh.

- Wow!
- Wow.

- [Laughs]
- Where's Johnny?

Getting saved.

[Johnny Narrating] What Missy
and Eddie didn't know was that...

across town
at that very moment...

Dr. Bronson was hitting a level of
weirdness I had never dreamed possible.

- Why are you strapping me down?
- Standard operating procedure.

- [Grunts]
- Will it be painful?

Well, define "pain."

- Oh, god.
- To save you...

I'm gonna have to borrow like
a few cells from your body.

- How many?
- Oh, just a few. Maybe 40 pounds.

40 pounds! Are you crazy?
I can't spare 40 pounds of flesh!

- All right, 30.
- No, not 30, not 20...

- Don't be such a baby!
- Well, you kick in 40 pounds of flesh.

Johnny, I'm not the dead guy. Don't you
think you're being a little irrational?

Would you explain how
cutting 40 pounds off me...

- is gonna save my life?
- It's not.

- It's not?
- No.

- Then how does it help me?
- It doesn't.

- It doesn't?
- I may not have found a way to save you...

but I have discovered a way
to use your remarkable flesh...

to create a serum...

to rejuvenate old skin to make people
feel younger and look younger.

Cosmetic surgery
without the surgery.

Th-That's... That's how
I'm gonna market it.

You're gonna cut me up and make me into soup
so you can give people younger-looking skin?

It sucks for you, huh?

- Let me go, you son-of-a-bitch!
- Hey, hey, hey, hey!

This will be a lot easier
if you just... relax.

No! Oh, no.
Oh, oh!

- Here we go now. Now, just-just, okay. Here we go.
- No!

- Okay. Oh!
- [Knocking At Door]

- Just a minute, a minute. Just a minute.
- [Groaning]

[Knocking Continues,
People Shouting]

What do you want?

- We want the zombie!
- [Everybody] Yeah!

Well, there's no zombie here.

- We think he went in there!
- Well, you're a very confused man.

- [Woman] We saw him.
- Now, go home. Good night.

[Crowd Shouting]

[Shouting Continues]

- What's going on out there?
- There's a mob that wants to kill you.

- But don't worry, I need to kill you more.
- Oh, great.

Oh, unfortunately we don't
have time for an anesthetic.

- What?
- All right, all right, okay.

- No! No!
- Uh, uh.

- [Pounding At Door]
- [Whimpers] Uh, oh!

Just, just don't move.

[Crowd Shouting]
One... two...

three... ram!
[Shouting]

- [Pounding At Door]
- Uh-oh.

[Crowd Shouting]

You stay right there.

[Pounding At Door,
Crowd Shouting]

God, Johnny, what's going on?
You okay?

Three... ram!

Aaa-aaah!

- [Crashing] Where is he?
- Where is who?

- The zombie!
- What zombie?

- The only damn zombie running through town, you idiot!
- Can you describe this zombie?

[Shouting]

[Woman]
Stop that zombie! Is he here?

- [Man] Let's find him!
- We saw him come in here.

Aha! Where is he?

I'm sure I don't know
what you're talking about.

- Your friend, the zombie.
- We're just here to get our flu shots.

- [Man] Down here.
- [People Yelling] Get him!

- [Woman] Come on, let's find him!
- [Crowd Muttering]

- [Man] He's around here somewhere.
- Save a few chunks for me!

- Where is he?
- [Man] What?

- Where'd the zombie go?
- [Man] Over here!

- [Panting]
- Down there!

[Shouting]

- Johnny, run!
- [Panting]

- [Shouting]
- Oh.

[Man]
There he is!

[Panting Continues]

- Oh.
- [Crowd Shouting, Getting Closer]

- Which way?
- He went that way.

Murray!

Murray!

- Hurry, open the gates!
- Johnny. Hi, Johnny.

Murray, open the gate.

- Hurry up!
- What is it?

- What? What?
- [Crowd Shouting]

Oh, dear. Oh.

[Shouting]

Well, I warned you.
You wouldn't listen.

- [Shouting]
- Hurry.

- [Shouting]
- We're closed.

- [Crowd Continues Shouting]
- [Murray] Run, Johnny, run!

Whoa!

[Panting]

Oh! [Pants] Huh?

Now, I've got you, Johnny Dingle.
It's barbecue time.

- Light up the zombie.
- Stop!

- You leave him alone!
- Get up, little girl.

- Get off of me!
- Get your hands off her.

Honey...

- let the zombie go and I'll buy you a pretty new dress.
- No, Daddy.

This way, Marge.
This way. Son?

Son, frankly I don't care
who thinks ill of us.

Just...
get the hell away...

- from our son.
- [Person Drawing Sword]

Well, Sheriff...

do something.

Okay.
Light up the zombie.

- No! Daddy!
- [Crowd Shouting]

You can't.

He died for me.

He came back from the dead for me.
He ate someone for me.

Everything that happened to him
happened because he loved me.

[Murray]
Sheriff? Sheriff?

Uh... would you
have died for her?

- Of course.
- Would have come back from the dead for her?

I don't know.

Could you have eaten
someone to be with her?

No.

No.

Could any of you?

- Huh? Huh?
- [Everybody] No.

I rest my case.

Well, he won't die by my hand.

Then he'll die by ours.
Who votes we kill 'em?

[Crowd Silent]

Well, I hope somebody eats the whole
damn bunch of you. Fatheads.

If my daughter desires a dance
with this fine young man...

then by God they're gonna dance.

[Crowd Cheering]

[Sirens Wailing]

[Johnny Narrating] So there I was getting
a police escort to the prom with Missy.

It was the best moment
of my entire life.

I was also pretty sure
it was gonna be the last...

but right then,
that didn't matter.

What mattered was I was gonna have the
dance I'd been waiting for since the first grade.

That much I was sure of. But still, nothing could've
prepared me for what was about to happen.

♪ When the sky
is about to fall ♪

♪ So keep hangin' on ♪

♪ For as the time just
keeps turning around ♪

♪ There's no turnin' back
to find what's right behind ♪

♪ So just stay around ♪

♪ All through the night ♪

♪ 'Til you can see what's right ♪

We finally got
our dance, sweetie.

♪ Whoa-ooo-oh ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ But still it can get better ♪

♪ There's a journey
down the years ♪

♪ Hold your head up high
in that stormy sky ♪

♪ And the change
will surely come ♪

♪ So keep hangin' on ♪

- ♪ For as the time ♪
- Johnny, no.

♪ Just keeps turning around ♪

♪ There's no turning away to find ♪

Please don't go.

♪ So just stay around ♪

I... love you.

[Crying]
I love you too.

♪ 'Til you can
see the light ♪

- ♪ Hangin' on ♪
- [Missy Crying]

♪ Hangin' on
for dear life ♪

♪ Oh, ho-ooh♪♪

[Missy Crying]

[Wind Howling]

[Thunderclap]

[Man]
Ah, there you are.

- You.
- What? What?

We've been waiting!

- For me?
- Of course for you...

you dumb sloat.

You see anyone else who was supposed
to be here four days ago?

Hey, look, I'm, uh...

I'm really sorry. I-I didn't know
anybody was waiting.

When you die, you are supposed
to come directly here...

where we pass judgment...

and send you to Heaven or Hell.

You are not supposed to climb out of the grave,
muck around on Earth waiting to die...

a second time!

I-I-I didn't plan that,
it just happened.

Sorry about all the yelling.
Here's the situation:

There's been a little mistake.

What kind of mistake?

The fact is...

you weren't actually supposed to die
in the convenience store.

- [Yells] What?
- No, no, just calm down. It's all here.

May 28th, 8:33 p.m.

Robber enters convenience store,
threatens Missy McCloud. She attempts to stop robbery.

Robber turns to shoot her,
in doing so knocks over a pot of coffee with his elbow.

- Wait a minute!
- Mm-hmm?

He was supposed
to slip on coffee?

Supposed to, but... didn't.

It doesn't happen very often but somewhere
someone screwed up and the result is...

a sad, tragic mistake.

The result is I'm dead!

Whenever we...
make a mistake...

we try to rectify it by giving the person
a second chance on life;

a chance to prove their worth.

That accounts for the existence
of the occasional zombie.

What they do when back...

from the dead determines what
we do with them in the afterlife.

Hey, look. I wanna talk to you about Chuck.
He was practically dead before I ate him.

I'm sorry. It's time
you were on your way.

- On my way to where?
- To where you belong, Johnny Dingle.

To where you belong.

[Pounding Gavel]

Next.

[Wind Howling, Thunderclap]

- Hi, Johnny.
- Hey.

All right, gimme all your money
or I'll blow your damn brains out.

Don't worry.
Everything will be okay.

Let's go!

Let's go!

[Cocks Gun]

Look out!

[Grunting]

- [Missy] Johnny!
- [Johnny Groaning]

- [Glass Cracking]
- [Groans]

Now he knocks
over the coffee.

- Oh, god, Johnny.
- [Pants]

Ever since the first grade I've been
desperately in love with you.

You're the kindest, smartest,
most beautiful girl I've ever known.

And after I'm gone...

I just want you to know that you
meant more to me... than life itself.

I love you, Missy.

You're not shot.

What?

[Jingling Chain]

The bullet hit this thing
you were wearing.

You tried to sacrifice
your life for me.

You'd have done
the same for me.

Trust me... I know.

["Hanging On For Dear Life"
Performed By MMC]

Would you like to go
to the prom with me?

♪ There's no turning away
You'll find... ♪

[Johnny Narrating]
And that's it. That's the whole story.

I know it seems pretty preposterous
but it happened just that way.

If I had to do it all over again
and I could do it differently...

you know what I'd change:
nothing.

Well, I take that back.
That's not entirely true.

I think I would
have eaten Buck.

♪ Hangin' on for dear life ♪

♪ Oh, ho-ooh ♪♪

♪♪ ["The One I Love"
Performed By The Sextants]

♪ I woke up
on my way ♪

♪ Not a whole lot different
than yesterday ♪

♪ But this world's so hard on me
so it's a little bit worse ♪

♪ I got a girl
She's a good one ♪

♪ She's got her mother's
good looks but she's already ♪

♪ On the run from me ♪

♪ 'Cause mean girls
never learn ♪

♪ And so I cry
when I'm alone ♪

♪ Watching my TV ♪

♪ And that is why ♪

♪ I sing this song ♪

♪ To the one I love ♪

♪ If I was true
you'd be a lie ♪

♪ If I was blue
you'd be the sky ♪

♪ Up above where the rain
comes down from ♪

♪ Making a sea
between me ♪

♪ And the one I love ♪

♪ The one I love ♪

♪ So I laughed
Well, I cried ♪

♪ So you'll live ♪

♪ But I'll die
a thousand times ♪

♪ If that's all right
with you ♪

♪ And why can't
anybody see ♪

♪ There's not one damn thing
that is wrong with me ♪

♪ It's just everyone else
but me ♪

♪ And so I cry
when I'm alone ♪

♪ Watching my TV ♪

♪ And that is why ♪

♪ I sing this song ♪

♪ To the one I love ♪

♪ If I was true
you'd be a lie ♪

♪ If I was blue
you'd be the sky ♪

♪ Up above where the rain
comes down from ♪

♪ Making a sea
between me ♪

♪ And the one I love ♪

♪ Well, if you don't
really know me ♪

♪ Then why must
you control me ♪

♪ If you don't
really love me ♪

♪ You lead me on and on
and on and on and on ♪

♪ If I was true
you'd be a lie ♪

♪ If I was blue
you'd be the sky ♪

♪ Up above where the rain
comes down from ♪

♪ Making a sea
between me ♪

♪ And the one I love ♪

♪ If I was true
you'd be the sky ♪

♪ Up above where the rain
comes down from ♪

♪ Making a sea
between me ♪

♪ And the one I love ♪♪