My Boss's Daughter (2003) - full transcript

You know, you ever heard
that old expression...

"Everything happens
for a reason?"

I don't think
that applies to me.

I spend every morning
rushing to catch the subway...

to the same lousy job.
What's the reason for that?

I research for one of the biggest
publishing houses in Chicago...

but where I really belong
is in Creative.

My boss doesn't know it yet,
so I'm totally frustrated...

while my friend Paul
keeps telling me:

"You've gotta be optimistic.
You've got to be positive.”

Okay! You know what?
Today is gonna be my lucky day.



Today is gonna be...

Hey, look at that.
It's your lucky day.

- Did you just see that?
- A million times. You want it?

I don't want it.
Go ahead, you got a new briefcase.

Maybe it's got a name on it
or something.

What, are you nuts?

What?
You're gonna return it?

Did you not just say
you needed a new one?

When I get my raise.

Haven't you been working
there for like a year?

I bet Taylor doesn't know
you work there. I'd be pissed.

Are you pissed?
I'd be pissed.

I'm a little pissed.

Come to think of it,
I've never really seen you angry.



Henderson, you ever seen Tom
really angry?

No.

So I don't get angry.
What, is that a bad thing?

It's, you know,
you keep it bottled up...

sooner or later you come to work
and mow everyone down...

- AK-47.
- AK-47, just to impress...

- Jodie Foster.
- Jodie Foster.

All right, I'll do it on
your day off.

Touché.

There she is.
It's your Jodie Foster.

How are you ever gonna get
to know her if you just sit there?

- Taylor's daughter, I just can't.
- Can't just what?

Are you gonna be a loser
your whole life?

Just go over there
and talk to her. Go!

- Okay, fine. I'm going.
- You're going.

Excuse me...

Hi, I...

I...

I... he would...

What are you doing to my dog?

- Who's taunting my dog!
- Nobody is taunting your dog.

Why don't you take my seat.
Here.

That's great. Two more minutes
and I'll get closer than you.

Look, opening.
Go! Go!

Just go.

You're Tom Stansfield, right?
From Research?

Yeah, Tom.
Tom Stansfield...

Stansfield from Research.

It's a growing sport, you know?

There is no way that she thought
that it was a wrestling magazine.

Come on, get over it, okay?

A little embarrassed. It happens.
Let me tell you something.

If I had a dime for every time
a gay magazine fell out of my...

I'm kidding. I'm kidding,
I'm kidding.

You got a little humiliated...

At least we've established
that she knows who you are.

- I have to leave the company.
- No, you're not.

God! There she is.

Are you Tom?

- Yes.
- Mr. Taylor wants to see you.

But... okay...

Okay.

Okay, you see? This is fate. This is
what I'm talking about.

That new opening in Creative,
you're the man for the job.

You're gonna go in there
and pitch him those book ideas.

- I'm really not ready.
- Get to business. We're stepping up.

You're gonna go in there,
pitch him an inside curve.

Wait, where's my blue folder?

You don't need it. Enough excuses
already. Come here.

- You feel good?
- I feel like I'm gonna throw up.

I want you to use that.

It's nice. Now get out of here.

- Don't, don't touch my ass.
- It was a light spank.

- Do I just go on in?
- He's not finished yet...

but you can have
a seat over there.

Let me explain something to you,
Henderson.

I did not dislike your ideas.

I found them loathsome!

I hated them.

- You're dismissed.
- From your office?

Nice try.

Good luck.
You're gonna need it.

He's ready to see you.
You can come in.

You know what? We should have
never let up after the Revolution!

Sit down, sit down.
Coffee?

I hear about you
making threats...

to spray this place
with an AK-47?

What?

I was just making a joke.

That's funny to you?
Killing everyone in this office?

No. No.

Paul said how
I never get angry.

And what about you
making fun of midgets?

I never made fun of midgets.

You said it'd be fun to date one,
you rest your beer on her head.

No, I never said
anything like that.

Apparently, Henderson
thinks you did.

I've got a good sense of humor,
but that's just plain sick.

- But, I didn't say anything...
- Audrey!

Which file did I ask you for?

- The Platt file?
- John Platt, not Sam Platt.

- I'm sorry. I guess I didn't think...
- That's right. You didn't think.

Now, if it's not
too much trouble...

You could fetch me the right file,
and get Tom and me some donuts.

I'm told you've been trying to
schedule a meeting with me...

about some ideas.
What are they?

I had some ideas.

Something wrong
with the coffee?

- No, it's fine.
- Why'd you make a face?

It's a little bitter.

Jesus! Audrey, get in here!

- Sir, really, it's fine.
- I've burped up better than this.

- Is something wrong?
- Taste Tom's coffee.

It's okay.

How would you rate that?

- It's not that great.
- "Not that great?" guess so.

Tom thinks it's shit.

Audrey are you retarded?

It's not a rhetorical question.
Are you retarded?

- No, I'm not retarded.
- Because...

a retarded person can make
a cup of coffee. Am I right, Tom?

I don't really know much about
the limitations of the handicapped.

I know of an agency that hires out
retarded people for $4/hour.

If making a cup of coffee is too
difficult for you, Miss Bennett...

perhaps you'd be good enough
to let me know...

and I'll contact this agency
and give a retarded person a job.

I wasn't too rough
on her, was I?

- She is new and all.
- Maybe I was out of line.

But do you understand what
I'm dealing with?

I am trying to fill
a position in Creative...

and I can't seem to find one person
responsible enough to trust.

I sometimes wonder if anyone here
even knows what they're doing.

I can understand how
you could see it that way.

So you don't think
I was out of line?

A company is only as strong...

as it's weakest link...

- that makes sense, but...
- Exactly.

A company is only as strong
as it's weakest link.

Audrey, get in here!

You were right, Tom.
I was too soft on her.

Audrey, after talking it over
with Tom here...

I've come to realize
that I have to let you go.

- You're firing me?
- I'm sorry.

Wait, But, sir, I wasn't
suggesting...

A chain is only as strong
as it’s weakest link.

Right, but there's a whole
other side to that...

Audrey empty out your desk
by the end of the day.

This has been very helpful.

Right, but I didn't get to say
what I wanted to say.

Your ideas! Schedule an appointment
with my new secretary.

Tom. Are you okay?

Sure.

By the way you look, he's
on another one of his rampages.

- Definitely.
- Damn.

I was hoping to catch him
in a good mood.

That's probably not
gonna happen.

I'm supposed to go to this party
tonight but my dad's making me...

house sit for his stupid bird
while he's away this weekend.

Why don't you just go in there and
tell him you're not gonna do it?

I can't just...

You can't just what? Live your own
life and have a free weekend?

No, it's not that.

Wait, it is that.

I should just go to that party.

Yeah, of course.

I'm gonna go back to work.

Tom, I know this might seem
a little out of place...

because we barely even know
each other...

but do you have
any plans tonight?

No, I'm wide open.

- We won't be home too late.
- Hey, it's no problem.

So the party starts at seven.
Be at my dad's house by six?

- Sure you're cool with this?
- Are you kidding me?

You're a sweetheart. I'm gonna
love you forever for this.

All right!

- Who's the man now?
- What'd I tell you?

I'm a lady-killer.

How the hell could he be
so excited about house-sitting?

He's nice, Daddy. Most guys
wouldn't even offer to do that.

I don't know if I want him
around my bird.

Would you just relax? It's gonna
be fine. I promise.

I'll check in as soon as
I get there. Eight o'clock.

If I sense anything's wrong,
you're coming back here.

Okay.

Very good, right on time.

Oh, Sir...

Is that a bear trap?

It's to keep the neighbors' kids
out of my yard.

Sir...

I just wanted to let you know
how much I appreciate...

you letting tonight happen.

I know it means a lot to Lisa
and you're doing the right thing.

I don't know what you're
planning, Stansfield but...

your attitude is
making me very nervous.

Those socks are clean, right?

You hesitated.
Put those on.

Are you serious?

If you want to watch TV,
the remote's there.

That panel controls the
lights, alarm, skylights...

I probably won't use that stuff,
since the party starts at seven.

Party? I made it clear to Lisa
you're not to have guests in here.

You're the only one
allowed in the house.

Lisa's not here?

No, of course not.

Lisa's at the party...

and I'm staying here.

Is this concept too complicated
for you, Stansfield?

Don't touch the furniture.

And this is my bird's room.

He's got his own room?

That's cool.

How's my little boy?

This is OJ.

OJ?

- Like the murderer?
- No.

Like the football player,
OJ Simpson.

I've set the alarm. When
you hear it go off, feed him.

- What do I feed these little guys?
- They don't get fed.

They are the food.

His diet varies, but
they're his favorites.

Don't you have to shut
these doors?

Not anymore.

He's been depressed
since his mate died. He won't fly.

He just sits in his cage.

Medication:

Give him two of these
at ten o'clock.

I have to shove these
down his throat?

Just one. The other is
inserted into his rectum.

Don't worry. It's not too
unpleasant for him.

He doesn't bite, does he?

You're not planning on
taunting him, are you?

- I mean, that would be sick.
- No, of course not.

And the most important thing:
make sure he gets a pint of water.

The medication tends to dry him out
and then he can't breathe.

I must be off. Henderson should
be waiting outside.

Henderson? I thought you
fired him.

Because his ideas were stupid?
Of course not.

He's gonna drive me
to the train station.

So, you can leave as soon as
Lisa and Hans get back.

- Hans?
- Lisa's boyfriend.

So remember: water in the bowl,
medication and...

anything happens to this house
while I'm gone, I'll kill you.

You're house-sitting?
You gotta be kidding me.

- I know. It sucks.
- What are you talking about?

Don't you see?
This is a test.

You watch the house
come up with great ideas...

and if everything goes smooth
you get the promotion.

- You think so?
What could be easier?

Book Ideas.

You scared me, Hans!

Is Jack around?

- Who are you?
- It's okay.

I'm Red Taylor. I'm Jack's son.
I let myself in the back.

Tom Stansfield.

Tom, nice to meet you. Am I
interrupting something here?

I was...

- Your shoes.
- Nike.

Tom, can you do me a favor?
I lost my TV Guide.

I came here to see if maybe
my dad's got a copy of one.

You haven't seen a copy
of the Guide laying around?

- My sister in?
- No, she's out.

Bingo.

So, you're here to...?

House-sit.

You don't tell Lisa
that I stopped by.

Why? Is there a problem?

- You know how uptight she is.
- Really?

I'm more the, free spirit
of the family.

Oh, boy.

See that right there?

- Kirstie Alley?
- I dated her maid.

Really?

I've boned Kirstie's maid.
That's why they made...

"Look Who's Talking."

That's something.

I'll tell you another thing.
You know Michelle Pfeifer?

- Yes.
- I did the deed with her cousin.

- Right there in the bushes.
- Right...

She looks just like Michelle,
except she's brunette, short.

Certainly you rest
little less than I, Red.

- Are you married, Tom?
- No, I'm single.

- No girlfriend?
- No, I had one...

but we broke up.
Listen...

I need to get back to work
and you got your TV guide...

So you broke up...
Too bad.

- Was she a looker?
- Yes, to me she was.

- I bet you still have her picture.
- Yes, I do.

- Can I see it?
- Yes.

- There she is.
- Wow, Tom...

you luck man!
She's a piece of ass!

I could knock her mad
all daylong!

She is a pretty girl.

- She's got to be wicked in bed...
- Yes, sure...

She can bang your Johnson
raw every single night...

Stop, you're talking
about my girlfriend.

Ex-girlfriend.

- Yes but still...
- I'm just making conversation.

I don't feel comfortable talking about
my relationships with a stranger.

Understood. You're uptight about sex,
you answered the question.

I'm not uptight!
I don't feel like revealing...

my ex girlfriend's sexual habits
does not make me uptight.

- I'm not asking anything personal.
- What do you consider personal?

I would be like if I asked
how big your rod was...

- Then I would be outline 100%.
- No! That's not worse than...

asking if my girlfriend
is a nymph!

I just asked you
if she dogged sex.

I would have asked
even though she was frigid.

She's not frigid!
Are you leaving?

Yes.
Listen...

Could you do me a favor?
It's no big deal.

What?

A business associate of my dad's
is gonna come by to pick this up.

It's frozen steaks. It's a gift.

It's not cold.

Dad says that's the way the guy
likes them. What are you gonna do?

Will you give it to him?

Just one second.

Audrey.

I guess this makes sense. He's
got you living with him now?

I'm just, I'm just watching
his place. Jack's out of town.

He is? Shoot!

I came by because I was
hoping to get my job back.

You got me canned because
I made a bad cup of coffee.

- Remember that?
- I'm really sorry about that.

How can you fire someone
for making a bad cup of coffee?

I mean, who do think you are?
Juan fucking Valdez?

I might have had a future there
if you just give me half a chance.

Oh, my god.
That's my idiot boyfriend.

Hold your pants,
you freaking psycho!

God, he drives me crazy.

Since you're on the rug,
would you mind putting these on?

- I've got them.
- Licorice!

I hate licorice. I need water
or I'm gonna throw up!

Thanks to you, I lost my second job
in a month and I'm flat broke.

You lost another job?

I got fired from my waitress
job just last Friday.

- Why did they fire you?
- I don't know.

The assistant managers caught me
making out with a customer.

- Excuse me?
- Was my boyfriend.

He became my boyfriend
after the incident

You got any beer in here?

- Here we go.
- Would you mind putting these on?

There's a twist...

That's the counter.

Listen, Jack is just a real stickler.

No kidding. I found that out
this morning.

Spike's in a real mood...

Come on! Shit!

You open this door this
second or I'm...

- Don't worry, nothing broke.
- Hey, baby, come on!

What are you doing leaving me
in the goddamn car?

Hurry up.

Hold your horses and try
acting civilized.

This is Tom, the guy I was
telling you about.

The coffee dude.

You've got some black-ass karma
headed your way, super freak.

He doesn't need no lecture,
Mister High and Mighty.

Hey, shut that sass-trap of yours,
before I bounce you off the wall.

Look, I would appreciate it if you
would take this outside.

I'd appreciate it if you'd go
and buy yourself a bagel, Jewy.

"Jewy"?

- I'm not Jewish, and I don't...
- Don't pay attention, he's nuts.

I'm nuts?

Can we please
take this outside?

You know what you are?
You're a filthy little tramp!

- What about you and that waitress?
- I never touched her, ever.

- Swear?
- So help me God.

You swear on your mama's life?

Hell, woman, I ain't gonna swear
on my mama"s life.

- Why not?
- If you're telling the truth.

Won't you swear on
your mama's life?

I don't feel like I have the right
to gamble with my mama's life.

That's why you got nothing
to worry about...

unless you're lying
like a hunk of morgue meat.

I ain't gonna sit here and get
called a liar by no skanking whore!

Who are you calling a whore,
you shrimpy-dimpy bastard?

See Audrey, now you're
provoking.

- That is a vicious, flat-out...
- Is it?

I'll whip it out right now to prove
to you that she's a lying slut!

All right, all right!
That is enough!

I don't care if you have
a tiny shrimp...

Or a giant whale, which that's,
is probably the case.

Tell him you were lying
or I'll smash your face in!

Can we please
just use fists?

Come here, you little...

- You hit me, you bastard!
- I did not and you know it!

He hit me! He hit me as sure as
I'm standing right here.

Did you hit her, Spike?

- With an open hand.
- So what if it's open?

- Then it don't count.
- Says who?

Says anyone! Ask the Jew!

All right, that's it.
You two have got to leave.

She's not coming, you are not
welcome in the doublewide.

I don't need your lousy trailer.
I'll stay right here with Tom.

- Fine, stay with Tom!
- Wait a minute.

Guys, you need to try
to work this thing out.

He hit me! He knocked me
on my can!

I know. Audrey, I know, but
it was with an open hand.

After all...

After all relationships have
their ups and downs.

You don't want to
ruin this great...

Oh, God, the bird!
o

Water!

You come back here or Tom's
gonna kick your butt!

So take that!

I'm shaking in my boots...

Those two, OJ...

Hi, Tom. How are ya?

Hey, Lisa. I'm great.

Is that OJ?

We just had a little
drink of water.

I haven't heard him
squawk in years.

He's quite
a crazy bird.

Anyway, Tom,
I just wanted you...

to know how much I appreciate
you helping me out tonight...

but I'd like to crash
at a friend's place tonight.

Would you think if I asked
you to stay the whole night?

I don't think your dad would want
me staying here.

Please?

I suppose I could stay.

Thanks. I really appreciate it.
See you tomorrow.

Thank God he's gone.

Hey, so is it okay if I stay here
tonight?

It's not...

even my house.

Well, I sure as hell
don't want any charity.

It's not like
you owe me anything.

So...

I'm sorry about that office thing.
You didn't mean to get me fired.

- Thanks.
- Okay. I guess.

I'll just go try to find
a homeless shelter then.

Wait a second.

- I suppose you could stay.
- Really?

Thanks, Tom. You're the best.
I'll clean up the kitchen, okay?

Just one second!

There's somebody at the door.

Can I help you?

Vasquez sent me here
to pick up a package.

Red told me
you might be stopping by.

Hi, I'm Tom.

What is this, "Oprah"? Just gimme
the goddamn package.

I think this is it.

If this ain't kosher,
I'm gonna break his thumbs.

By law, it should be stamped
right on the package there.

Dinnertime, buddy.

OJ.

Today's specials include
a buffet of mice kabobs.

Crap!

I got you now, buddy.

- Dude, that was cool!
- My god.

Tommy, easy on the antiques.

Was that an owl?
- OJ got out! How is he flying?

- Well, he is a bird.
- He, no, Jack said that he...

Shit.
I've gotta find him!

Don't worry. He'll probably
come back when he's hungry.

I have to find him or I'm gonna
lose my job.

This isn't gonna help your chances
of getting your job back, either.

Where the hell is he?

- Tom, relax.
- Relax? OJ's loose!

This is no time to relax!

Tom! He's right over here!

Right there, right there!

Stop! Stop!

Get up. What the hell you doing
on my property?

Planning to rob me?

I was just looking for...

I see what
you're looking for.

Got a thing for young girls?

Then why you keep
eyeing my wife, you perv?

Your...? No, I wasn't looking

Are you gonna be back soon?
I need you to spot me.

Just gimme a minute, honey.

- Don't kill me.
- I'm not gonna kill you.

You let me live, I'll give you
my most valued possession.

You know what that is,
don't you?

Evander Holyfield's ear.

The part of the ear that Mike Tyson
bit off and spit out.

- But it's white.
- So?

- Shouldn't it be black?
- If it's still on his head, sure.

Anybody knows that a severed
ear loses it's color.

Sheryl?

What happens to an ear
if it's severed from your head?

It changes color. Duh!

Ow! Damn!

Audrey!

What the hell is
going on in here?

Who are these people?

I invited some friends over
to help us look for the owl.

And Darryl even
fixed the table in the hall.

You wouldn't even know
that it was broken.

We'll get that later.
Everyone, this is Tom.

- Tom's a real good guy
- Audrey could you?

I appreciate all your help...

but could you make sure that your
friends stay out of the house?

All of them,
or just the colored guy?

All of them.

That's smart. The colored guy
won't take it personal.

I have nothing...

Look.

I am responsible for this house,
I can't have these people around.

Okay, all right. I got it.

You guys? Let's move it out.

Thanks, guys.

Don't worry,
they're all good people.

They're not gonna steal nothing
or drink too much like the Indians.

Look...

just make sure they stay
outside, okay?

Okay, okay.

- Lisa!
- Hi, Tom.

You're home.

Why are you home?

It's not worth going into.
I got in a huge fight with Hans.

So...

it's over?

It's my own fault for dating
a guy my dad likes.

Really?

He's one of his top
marketing execs.

You know, Harvard law,
comes from a good family...

top of the tennis ladder
at the country club.

Tom, can I talk to you
for a second?

Audrey?

She came to talk
to your dad.

I'm gonna go in my room,

You could stay if you want.

Audrey, I'll be right there?

- Or you could go.
- You know, maybe we could...

talk later.

- What's going on?
- We found the owl!

- Where is he?
- He got away.

- Where'd he go?
- He hopped into the bushes.

- What are you doing?
- Getting hamburger meat.

It's a good way to lure birds.

- They like hamburger meat?
- I don't know. I never had a bird.

- But most animals respond to meat.
- It's a fact.

You wanna help me
separate the meat?

Speed, tell Tom about the Kennedy
assassination.

This is so cool, Tom.
Speed knows who killed JFK.

Ask him. Ask him
who killed him.

All right.

Who killed JFK?

Desi Arnaz.

His life just changed.

- What are you doing in here?
- This is my closet.

I had something
in my pants.

I was feeding the mouse
to the bird...

and he, ran down my pants.

- I'm sorry...
- There it is!

That way, in the bedroom!

My gosh. Are you okay?

I'm good.

Don't worry,
we'll get it later.

Let me help you.

I'm really glad you stayed.
I needed a good laugh tonight.

Thanks.

Could I make a bigger
ass out of myself?

Do you want some wine?

No, thanks.

- Sure.
- Cheers.

Cheers.

Oh, my god.

Is that signed by
Walter Payton?

Eighty-five Bears. The greatest
team ever to play the game.

Shut up!

Walter Payton, Jim
McMahon, Mike Singletary.

You may be the coolest girl ever.

- You like football?
- I love it.

I didn't know you guys
liked football.

No, me and Paul watch
the game every Sunday.

Paul, too?

What's that?

It's nothing, it's just something
I used to do.

That is really good.

I didn't know
you were an artist.

I used to be, but I couldn't get
more of my friends to pose nude.

You wouldn't be interested?

You're blushing.

I was just joking.

I'm not blushing. I just get
red from time to time.

You're so funny.

Seriously you should really
pursue this. You're good.

I would, but it doesn't really fit
in with my father's plan for me.

Future of Midnight Owl Publishing.

He's right there!

- The door!
- We'll get him.

Look out!

- You okay?
- Your dad's gonna kill me.

Don't worry about it. It's my
brother's. My dad won't care.

- Red.
- So Dad told you?

- About what?
- The restraining order.

How's that?

Red's not allowed within 100 yards
of me, my dad, or this house.

He didn't mention that.

Red's a freak. You don't want to be
around my dad...

if he finds out anyone was
in this house especially Red.

It's like wherever he is,
there's trouble.

I mean, one time he had this big
party because Dad was out...

of town and my dad
came home early...

Since the mouse is gone,
what say we go back inside?

- It was up for an Oscar?
- I hate it!

I hated that movie!

I can't believe you.
You're like, you're so...

different from how
you are at work.

What am I gonna do? Walk around
with my Walter Payton jersey?

I got it. It's like at work,
you have to be Lisa Taylor...

the loyal employee
to the family firm. I have to be...

Tom Stansfield, the guy who
will do anything for anybody.

That's me.

I swear, it's like I can just talk
to you about anything.

I know, exactly.

This is crazy.

It is.

I guess it's because there's
no attraction between us.

You know, there's none of
that sexual tension.

It's like I'm with a girlfriend.
It's great, isn't it?

Maybe we could go to the mall
sometime and go shopping.

That would be fun.

Wouldn't that be fun?

You have to listen to this song.

You don't want me to dance.

Come on, dance with me.

I have no idea what I'm doing.

Come on, hands together.

Now go underneath.

Hold on, hold on.
Watch, watch.

I'm trying to do too much.

I'm a dancer.

Catch me.

I am done.

I love this song.

Jenny does this strip routine
for her boyfriend to this song...

it's super sexy.
Even you'd appreciate it.

I wish I could be like her.

She's so free and everything.

So what do you think?

It's...

very nice.

So if you weren't gay,
this would turn you on?

Gay?

- Who said I was gay?
- My father.

You mean it's not true?

- No!
- No?!

I am so embarrassed!
I can't believe you let me do this.

I didn't mean it! I'm...

Why would your father
say that I'm gay?

You can't blame him entirely.
I mean, you're a little effeminate.

Don't be hurt.

It's okay.

Hans is very effeminate too.

What exactly did
Hans do, anyway?

It's not like he did
just one thing.

It's more about trust.

Trust is...

important.

Trust is everything.

I don't know, maybe it's me...

I'm just sending out
some kind of vibe.

I can't attract a decent guy.

- What's wrong with me?
- Don't even worry about it.

You're gonna find
another guy so fast.

I mean look at you.

You're amazing.

You really think so?

Why do you think
I'm here tonight?

God, Tom.

You didn't know.

You thought that...

I'll be right back.

I'm just gonna go and check
and see if Audrey needs towels.

You don't have to lie to me.

If you have to go to the bathroom,
go take a crap and come back.

What the hell...

What the hell are you doing
here man?

You bone "Vasquez" out of 20 grand
and you ask me what I'm doing?

I work for Missus Fields?

You think my boss likes
to bake cookies?

- What are you doing?
- You tried to sell me flour.

Flour? I don't even know
what you're talking about.

I'm just house-sitting
for my boss.

- Who's your boss?
- Jack Taylor.

Jack Taylor?

I did time at Joliet
with a Jack Taylor.

Average height? Medium hair?

Horrible case of Folliculitis
on his ass?

I wouldn't know about the
Folliculitis.

Thought you said he was your boss.

- He is.
- And you never saw his ass?

Why would I see
my boss' ass?

Stands to reason you work for a guy
long enough, sooner or later...

you're gonna get
a glimpse of his ass.

I don't know what line
of work you're in...

but I've never seen
my boss' ass.

Hey, man...

Hey, stop it or I'm gonna
call the cops!

And tell them what?

Your drug deal went bad?

You rat me out, I'm gonna carve
you up like a turkey...

and beat your kids
with what's left of you.

I don't have any kids.

I can wait.

Excuse me.

Hello? Right.

Tommy, let's get
clear on something.

In 60 minutes, I bring Vasquez
what he paid...

for or your gift-wrapped nuts.

Tom, what's going on?

What's going on
with your dad's gift?

You see that guy?
He was gonna kill me.

Don't you think
you're overreacting a little.

Overreacting?
The guy had a knife!

I don't think
that I am overreacting.

He probably just had
the wrong address.

There's gotta be over a dozen
Jack Taylors in Chicago alone.

I'm gonna go to my dad's bedroom.
Tell me if the guy shows up again.

All right, you listen to me! You're
not supposed to be in this house.

Says who?
- I know about the restraining.

Restraining. I mean, that's
just a big misunderstanding.

Tom! It's OJ!

- Who are you?
- I'm here to see Lisa. I'm Hans.

Is that so shocking?

You're surprised she'd go out
with someone like me?

You ought to be
ashamed of yourself.

There are a lot of
girls out there...

who can see past the fact...

that I just happen to be
a few pounds overweight.

On the inside, I'm just like
everyone else.

Let me get you a tissue.

I'm on the second day
of a new diet. I gave up chocolate.

I'm really sorry.

We just got off
on the wrong foot.

It's good to meet you, Hans.
I'm Tom.

I'm just a friend of Lisa's.

Maybe you can help
me. Is she here?

Maybe right now isn't a great time
for you to see Lisa.

Let's say, we get you a drink?

She's probably really upset. We got
in a misunderstanding tonight...

she left me.

That's unfortunate.

What happened?

I think seeing me naked from behind
like that kind of shocked her.

So tonight was the first time.

It was awesome.

I was lying up
on the bed one leg up in the air...

I had a handful of ass right here,
and I had a handful of this.

That's when Lisa walked in.

What?

She caught me in the bed
with a blonde.

What?

Tell me you haven't ever
wanted to do it with a...

You cheated on her.

You know something, Tom?
You're right.

I guess that was cheating. And now
I've gone and lost everyone.

I should've known
from the start it wasn't right.

She kept telling me
I reminded her of her dad.

You gotta realize
that this is over.

And you gotta put
an end to it, and move on.

And get yourself
to a better place.

And I'm ready.
I know what I have to do.

I guess this is good-bye.

Thanks, Tom!

03], come back!

You must be Julie's date.
Come in.

I'm just here
looking for a bird.

Make yourself at home, Albert.
Julie's still getting ready.

My name is Tom.

I'm sorry. I'm hard of hearing.
Could you speak up, please?

My name is Tom.

Julie said your name was Albert.

I'm afraid that you're mistaken.

- Is someone here?
- This is Julie's date, Albert.

This is my nephew, George.
He's blind and crippled.

- Nice to meet you.
- I'm not deaf.

I'll go see what's keeping Julie.
She's probably nervous.

So you're Julie's date?

No. I'm just here
looking for an owl.

You don't have to make
lame excuses.

Do you know what the advantages
is in being a cripple?

No, I can't say that I do.

You don't really care to hear
much what I have to say, do you?

No, it's not that.

Go ahead, I'm listening.

Sit down, Tom.

You know what I gained
by becoming a quad?

Are you shaking your head?
I can't see, you know.

I'm sorry.

Tell me what you gained.

I no longer need my Viagra.

Now I can maintain
my arousal for hours.

That's great.

Things have a way of evening
themselves out in the long run.

No, not really.
And do you know why?

Why?

Because I'm a blind, quad freak,
you moron!

What, you think women dig this?

You think women go: "I wanna give
that mutant freak my number"?

- Ken Moorehouse. I'm Julie's dad.
- Nice to meet you.

George boring you with his
self-pitying tripe?

Not at all, actually.

"I'm blind. I'm crippled.”

I want to talk to Albert
alone for a second.

- I can stay if I want to.
- Leave the room!

Get out!

Get out! Get out!
Turn it, turn it.

Turn it! For God's sake,
get out.

Sorry.

My daughter's gonna be
a few minutes. Have a seat, Albert.

- Tom.
- No, Ken.

Right, you're Ken.

Before you say anything, Albert,
I just want you to know...

that Julie is really self-conscious
about her appearance...

since the accident.

Julie.

Julie, this is Albert.

It's nice to meet you, Albert.

Nice to meet you, too.

But the thing is, is that...
I'm not Albert.

That is to say
that I'm not your date.

There's been a giant
misunderstanding.

How could you?
She doesn't go out on dates.

I'm telling the truth.

Julie wasn't pretty enough
for you, Mr. GQ?

No, you don't understand.

I understand, Fabio.
You broke that poor girl's heart.

- No, no, see, I'm not...
- Do you think Julie is an idiot?

You think she bought your
little fairy tale...

Mr. I'm Too Sexy
for my Medical Booties?

Get the hell out of here...

or I'll kick your pretty-boy ass
to kingdom come!

Am I interrupting something?

No. It's just that this...

Tom, there's two things
that we need to talk about.

What?

First of all, I don't want to wear
these booties anymore.

No one else is
wearing the booties.

Fine. What's the other thing?

Tina thinks she's got cancer.

Do you feel it?

What's supposed to be there?
I don't...

- See, Tina?
- Move your hand to the left.

Don't you feel anything?

- Your breast is the same as mine.
- It isn't. There's no comparison.

Feel my breast and compare.
Do you detect any difference?

- You gotta slow down.
- That feels good.

- This isn't what it looks like.
- I believed everything you said.

It was all just
a bunch of lines, wasn't it?

No, Lisa, I swear to you,
I meant every word.

This is, nothing's going on here.

Great, Tom. I'm glad you think
I'm a complete idiot.

I'm telling you, I was checking
these girls for breast cancer.

You make me sick.

No, Lisa, wait!

- She's never gonna forgive me.
- Of course she will.

This the first time
you cheated on her?

I didn't cheat on her.
You were there, for God's sakes!

I know. You were
a little grabby...

We should just find the owl
and worry about your affair later?

I'm getting angry
and I don't get angry.

Speed! Hey, can I ask
you a question?

- I thought you left.
- I did.

To get this.

All right, why is the fire going?

Cozy, isn't it?

- You put that down.
- Make me.

All right.

Put the crowbar down...

or I will blow
your ass to Fucktown!

That's right.

- Don't you ever threaten me.
- But I got a gun.

- What are you doing?
- Tommy, we both have guns.

The only difference is you don't have
the guts to use yours.

Oh, yeah?

What makes you so sure?

I'm sure.

Jesus! What...?

What, are you out
of your mind?

Stop that!
Are you crazy, man?

Stansfield
Anything to report?

Everything's great.
I got everything under control.

Did OJ get
enough water?

Could you hold on?

I'm gonna shoot you!

I hate you! I hate you!

- Sir?
- The fish tank. It's low.

- I'm taking care of that right now.
- Good.

When I get back I talk to you
about the position in Creative.

Don't get excited yet.
I didn't say you had the job.

- We'll discuss it.
- Thank you, sir. Bye.

Holy shit!

Boy, I'm tapped out.

You got anything to drink?

In the kitchen. Thanks.

What happened in here?

Tom, did ya have
a little accident?

You might want to try a few Kegels
to kinda tighten it up down there.

- That's it!
- I'm doing them right now.

And release.

When in Rome...

"Jack Taylor."

"Rectacid. Apply to buttocks
as needed to reduce redness...

and other symptoms of Folliculitis."”

Son of a bitch.

Did you piss your-self?

- No. I did not piss myself.
- Looks like you did.

I didn't. It was
that maniac downstairs.

We gotta stop him before he tears
this house apart.

Know what you gotta do? Give him
one of these little babies.

- What is it?
- A sleeping pill from Speed. Here.

So strong, so be careful.
It's powerful stuff.

Be careful.

Excuse me.

I just wanted to apologize for pulling
that gun on you earlier.

That was totally out of line.

I don't even know your name.

- I'm TJ
- That's, that's nice.

Maybe I was out of line by
pissing all over everything.

That was funny.

I've always enjoyed
a good prank.

What are you drinking there?

Whiskey.

You want some? Plenty of
booze around here, that's for sure.

I'll take a shot of bourbon.

My god.

What?

Look at those two blondes going...

are there three of them?

- Where?
- Right there.

Man, they left.

I was all psyched up
for some passion.

Lesbians are very special.

I'll drink to that.

Cheers.

Audrey!

My god! He's like
a human vibrator.

What is wrong with him?

I don't know.
Did you slip him the pill?

Then that must be it then.

You didn't give him the pill
with whiskey, did you?

You're not supposed
to mix the two.

Audrey, you did not tell me that.

Everyone knows you're not supposed
to mix booze with pills!

Is he gonna be okay?

Don't worry, he'll be fine.
I used to be a paramedic.

I think I found OJ.

OJ I don't care about!
Audrey, call nine-one-one.

- I'm telling you. He'll be fine.
- Are you sure?

- Give him some rest.
- Watch T.J. use this.

It's not loaded, but
he doesn't know that.

- Julie...
- From...

Down the block.
You mind if I come in?

Why don't we go
to that room, over there?

Do you mind if I sit down?

Sure.

Sorry to butt in.
Hi, I'm Red.

Nice to meet you.

I realized you were telling
the truth when my date showed up.

- Of course he didn't stick around.
- That guy is a bum.

I'm sure that had nothing
to do with you.

No, I know it did.

I've never had any guys attracted
to me, even before the accident.

Now that cannot be true.

About six months ago
I was hitchhiking...

and the trucker tried to rape me,
but other than that...

You're gonna tell me
you've never had a real boyfriend?

Once, but I think he just felt
sorry for me.

How long did that last?

About six years, and then one day
he just left.

Another woman?

- No. He got hit by a bus.
- See, that's not your fault.

He didn't seem to try
very hard to avoid the bus.

I think he just wanted out
of the relationship.

Julie, why don't you sit
in this chair?

I'm starting to feel
a bit woozy.

All right, I have to go
find OJ.

So, Red if you could watch
things for me, that would be great.

Gotcha.

Look, I think you're being
way too hard on yourself.

I bet there have been a lot guys
who have been attracted to you.

No, he was the only one.

What about that trucker? I mean,
he was obviously attracted to you.

That trucker probably would have
raped anyone.

I doubt that.

You were probably
pretty special to him.

That's so sweet of you, Red.

I'm not just jerking your chain,
either. I mean it.

What are you doing to the lawn?

It's okay, Tom.
We just had to bury TJ.

Bury? What?

You mean, he's...

You said he was gonna be okay!
I thought you were a paramedic.

Well, I took a course.

You, you can't just bury him!

We're not gonna put
him in my car.

Forget it. I'm calling
nine-one-one.

- That's for emergencies.
- What do you think this is?

The guy's dead. In 20 minutes,
he's still gonna be dead.

There's no sense
of urgency here.

We have to call the cops
and report it.

And tell them what?

The truth, that there was...

an accident.

- They might not see it that way.
- Face it, Tom, you did kill him.

You gave me the pill!

- I didn't tell you to kill nobody.
- You didn't tell not to use whiskey!

- Well, if you'd listen to me...
- You didn't say anything!

I'd think that you
would listen to me.

There's no time for blame games.

One of you spread some leaves,
make it look good.

I am not gonna help you conceal
a dead body.

Don't you think we should say
something?

You know what? She's right.

Some kind of last rites or eulogy
or something like that?

- I am so screwed.
- We should say something.

You know what? Say something.

Just make it quick.

Lord, this day we lay to rest TJ,
who was a...

I really didn't know him.

Tom, you knew him the best.
Why don't you say something?

Me?

All I know is that the guy was a
violent sadistic goon...

that was into lesbians.

Amen.

- I can't believe you're still here.
- You have to let me explain.

Look...

tonight was just a big mistake.
That's all there is to it.

What you saw,
with the girls?

All that was weird timing.

Red?

- What's Red doing here?
- Red?

Red was in the neighborhood
and he stopped by.

Nothing really bad
happened tonight.

- Is he the reason OJ's gone?
- No.

OJ got loose
and that's a little problem...

but we're gonna find him
and we're looking for him, so...

What's this?

Tom killed a guy and we're
burying the body.

That was bad.

Now you're overreacting,
because...

If anybody moves
there's gonna be a big hole...

where her brain used to be.

Go ahead, shoot.

Come on, what are
you waiting for?

Waste the bitch!

No, I don't give a shit.

I'm not joking, asshole.

Pull the trigger. Come on.

Come on!

I think you're just all talk.

Looks like we've both got guns.

Who's gonna shoot first this time?

Well, that should do it.

You were so brave.

It's not even that big of a deal.
This gun's not...

I never should have doubted you.
You risked your life for me.

Audrey found bullets in the kitchen
and I may have reloaded it.

I did.

Excuse me. Does anyone here
know a Jack Taylor?

- Why?
- This dude just called.

He said if I don't pick him up
at the train station in 15 minutes...

I'm out of a job.
What do you suppose that means?

My god.

That's what I thought,
cause I ain't got no job.

- He's coming home early.
- Don't worry about it.

I'll take care of everything.
Trust me.

- Just don't drive too fast.
- Got it.

Maybe you should
put that away.

As long as we're in Thailand
for the meeting on Monday.

We can pick it up
when we refuel in Hawaii.

Do you want to get something
to drink or go to the bathroom?

We'll take
the departmental heads now...

and the Creative team
in a couple of weeks.

Stansfield, what are you doing?

Nothing, sir.

Hold on a moment, please.

Stansfield...

why don't you just concentrate
on the driving...

and let me get on
with making my call?

Wait!

What is it now, Stansfield?

Nothing, sir.

Almost home.

How'd this get in there?

- Be careful with that.
- I will. Good thing I found it.

There's several ways to properly
dispose of a handgun...

none of which include putting
it in a garbage bag.

Freeze! Police!

Freeze! Let go of the girl
and put your hands in the air!

You're completely surrounded, T.J.!

Put down your weapons
and put your hands on your head!

No, you guys, wait.
He's not T.J.

I'm Lisa Taylor.
This is my dad's house.

We've received numerous reports
from this neighborhood. Theft...

I know you probably think
we may have killed somebody, but...

Tom didn't know
he poisoned the guy.

We thought he was dead
when we buried him.

But he seems okay now.

His head's just a little bloody
from where we hit with the shovel.

And I swear,
when Tom shot the gun off...

he didn't think it was loaded
because I put the bullets back in.

So if you all just step inside,
you'll see there's nobody dead.

He may have had the wind knocked
out of him temporarily...

but with a little first aid,
I think he'll be just fine.

Holy mother of God!

Yes, I see.
I see.

Okay, fine.

Could you say that again?
You're breaking up.

One moment, please.

OJ!

I just can't understand
why you would do this.

Hans, what were you thinking?

He'll be fine. He may complain
about a sore throat, but...

he's in a lot better shape
than this chandelier.

I'd hate to be here
when the owner gets back.

You can say that again.

- What a hell!
- You're okay?

- Oh my God!
- Daddy!

- What was that?
- Watch the glass, OK, everybody?

- Let's get him out of the car.
- Oh my God! Daddy!

- Stay back, remain calm.
- You're all right?

That's the one spying on me
through the bushes.

Then he shot the bullet through
Julie's bedroom window.

Here, tell them, Julie.

Tom wants the body in here.

Put me down.

Stansfield, what have you done?

Lisa, pack your things.
You're coming with me to Thailand.

No!

Get his ass outta here.

It's funny you should
mention the Word "ass".

Jack, why don't we start by
talking about yours?

Excuse me?

Lisa, your father
is not who you think he is.

The whole publishing operation...

it's a great cover.
Now, how'd you do it?

What'd you do? Did you hollow
out the books?

Locating the plant in Thailand!

It's genius!

What are you talking about?

What am I...?

Jack, I would have believed ya,
until I met this man...

who seems to know
a lot about ya.

Recognize this?

I hear it's very effective
in relieving Folliculitis.

I don't have Folliculitis.

He's giving me no choice.

- He's giving me no choice.
- What are you doing? This is insane!

Take a look at your dad's ass
and tell me I'm insane?

Look at it!

Look at it!

I don't have Folliculitis,
you blithering idiot!

Well, guys...

the ointment must have worked.

Wait.

I have something to show you.

My real name is Jack Taylor...

Junior.

Red is my nickname.
Now you know why.

I'm the whole reason
that T.).'s here.

Goddamn it, Red. You've been
dealing drugs out of my house.

No, I swear.

I gave him a bag of flour.
I dumped a kg of it in the toilet.

I'm finished dealing for good.

The lime green toilet
with the wooden seat?

Why?

Wait a second.

He's flying.

He's flying!

Get him out of my sight.

Now!

Lisa, let's go.

- That's the one! He got my ear!
- Got your ear?

Lisa, wait!

OJ, come to Daddy.

How's my little boy?

You're going with him?

What choice do I have?
He needs me.

Are you actually feeling
sorry for him?

He's manipulating you
and you are buying it.

You do what you gotta do.
I am gonna bail Tom out of jail.

- With what, your drug money?
- I stole this out of Dad's safe.

Somebody has gotta
to help Tom.

Nothing that happened here
last night was any of his fault.

It's funny. The nicest guy
in the world's...

the only one with enough balls
to stand up to Dad.

All he wanted to do was
to spend some time with you.

Look what it gets him.

Classic Dad.

I'm not allowed in the house,
you're not allowed out of it.

He doesn't care about us,
only that stupid bird.

- Red, can I tell you something?
- Sure.

I know this is gonna
sound weird, but...

ever since I was a little kid...

I used to always wish
that I was that stupid bird.

Lisa, it's about time
you talk to Dad.

At least tell him
how you feel.

Don't you see? We have no reason
to be afraid of him.

Don't let him do this to you.

Red bailed me out...

and told me you were here,
and I'm not letting you go.

But I'm...

You're gonna let me finish.
I went through hell last night...

and it was my fault because
I let people do it to me.

You're gonna make the same mistake.
This isn't what you want.

This is what your father wants.
And you know what?

Maybe you and I...

never are gonna work...

and that hurts.

But not as much as watching you be
controlled by a ruthless tyrant...

that would screw his mother if he
thought it'd help him get ahead.

I'm not going.

She's not going?

Is this whole concept
too complicated for you?

No.

No.

All right.

What, I, what made you stay?

That.

How did you guys...?

We finally had
our long overdue talk.

Then who's taking
your place in Thailand?

He is.

What's this?
I'm kidding, I'm kidding.

I don't want to go.
I'm afraid.

Nonsense. Everyone knows that...

Asian people are
very intimidated by...

- Tall men?
- Canadians?

- Republicans?
- Blacks?

Henderson. I won't have that kind
of thinking in this company.

There's no room for racism here.
You're fired.

The point that I'm getting to is
with a big part of the team away...

I'm gonna want you to take over
the creative department.

- Me?
- No need to be modest.

I saw those ideas you left
in the living room.

Your theory on the JFK thing,
brilliant.

And the moon landing a hoax?
You're on to something there.

That's the kind of thinking
that's gonna sell books.

Thank you, sir.

Bye, Dad.

Daddy. Have a safe flight.

Well, Dad...

that's fantastic.
You promoted Tom.

I figure anyone who's got
the guts to piss on...

my Persian carpets
has gotta have what it takes.

Stansfield!

What the hell are you doing?

Just trying to get
my job back, sir.

After everything that happened
after all I went through...

guess it was my lucky day.

And I'm not the only one.
Lisa and Red's suggestions...

Jack restructured the company
from top to bottom...

even instituting
casual Fridays, every day.

Henderson's 27 straight day
on the job without being fired.

OJ's back off the drugs
and now he only drinks beer.

But he still has
an occasional flashback.

Jack begged Audrey
to come back, but...

got a job at of all places,
a coffee shop.

This is terrible!

Hans succeeded in turning
the factory in Thailand...

but apparently he's struggling
to cope with the local customs.

- Back of the bus!
- Excuse me?

You people belong
back of the bus!

That's an outrage!

I'm not gonna let you treat me
like that merely because I'm...

Smoking! Smoking belongs
back of the bus!

As for me,
with my new promotion...

could at last write books
based on my own experiences.

So I did.

And Lisa was finally able
to pursue a career that she loved.

You know, you ever heard
someone say that old expression...

"Why does everything bad
always happen to me?"

I don't get those people...

because I've learned
if they stop and look around...

they'd realize...

that everything happens
for a reason.

I told you he'd see the ass
sooner or later.