My Best Friend's Girl (2008) - full transcript

*** Subtitles by dylux ***

♪ (Jean Knight's "Do Me" playing) ♪

Man: Oh, let's just
get in there, baby.

Let's go. Hustle.
Here we go.

I love angry sex.
This is the best.

Oh, you wanna do it
right here, huh? Ha-ha-ha.

Oh, uh, yeah, wow.

Ha-ha.
Okay, um--

(Clears throat)

Oh.

Give up, already.
Yeah, you know.



(Door locks)

♪ Do me, like a nasty man ♪

(Sighs)

I like this girl.

Really do.

Sometimes you just know.

♪ Oh, what you got, boy ♪

♪ Let me show you
what it's gonna bring ♪

(Inhales)

♪ Do me... ♪

(Singsongy voice)
I'm not finished.

♪ Do me, baby ♪

♪ Do me if you're gonna ♪

♪ Do me if you're gonna... ♪



I tried like a motherfucker
to follow you up,

But this door, it does
a little thing with the lock

when you're inside.

Anyway, here's what I'm thinking.

We start...

(Whispers) with a blowjob.

Yeah. I mean, obviously, you know?

And most girls find it
rewarding the way I do it,

Because I turn what is
normally a chore into,

Like, a training session,
you know?

It's like my own special
head start program.

I've even got some
Chloraseptic spray.

You do that really well,

And then we move on
to the nasty stuff.

Bring my buddies over,

Maybe take some "artsy" pictures,
you know?

Do some artsy live streaming video.

Totally tasteful.

Don't worry, I'll get you paid.
Easy.

Yeah, that way you could, uh,
get that can opener fixed,

Lipo the back end,
maybe refurbish the balcony.

(Scoffs)

Wait. I'm sorry.
Is this a bad time?

Yeah.

Okay, real quick, is that a "yes"

to bad timing or "yes,"
you wanna go--?

- Fuck...
- Exactly.

You!

(Door locks)

♪ Every man ♪

♪ Sure wanna be like you ♪

(Groans)

Why won't you just die already?

I accept your rebuke
of my advances.

But just for future reference, uh,

could you give me a reason why?

How about 10?

I love angry sex.
This is the best.

It's gonna be great.
Just, mm...

(Engine revs, tires screech)

Ugh!

Hey, we're going dutch
on gas money, you know.

(Cell phone ringing)

Is that your phone?

Gonna answer your phone?

I don't know.
I don't--

Or are you more interested
in me right now?

- I'm--
- Answer your phone.

That's my phone.

Shit. Hold on one second.

I got it.

Hello.

Um--

Hey. Yeah, I got it.
I'm a knee guy.

Listen to me.
Listen, shut-- Sarah--

Shut the fuck up!
I'm not even listen--

- (Horn honking)
- (Woman shrieks)

Oh, my God!
Why aren't you--?

Dick!

Listen to me.
Oh, my God.

Sarah, are you pregnant?

Just be a minute.

You know, you expect me
to swallow that horseshit?

Right. Yeah, yeah, I'm predictable.

Well, then fucking marry me!

Ha-ha. You didn't see
that one coming, did you?

What are you doing?

How am I supposed to know
it was your sister? How was I?

Okay, it was dark, I was drunk,
and I thought it was you.

Oh, she-- oh, she's
pregnant too. Talk to her.

What? No.

Okay, you tell your sister

that I'll make a donation
to planned parenthood

in her honor.

Uh-- Sarah. My ex.

♪ Dun, dun, da, dun, dun ♪

♪ Big cunt ♪

(Blows raspberry)

♪ (Celtic/Mexican music playing) ♪

Rachel. I apologize.

(Vomiting)

Sometimes when you try a
new restaurant, it's a gamble.

And, uh, today we-- we lost.

I'm thinking to avoid any
sexual obligation, that's you.

Oh!

(Gags)

Oh, my God.

Everything okay?

I can't eat this. I can't.

Oh, perhaps I can interest you

in some of our fabulous
famine fiesta fries?

Mm-mm.

She could use a little more famine

and a little less fried.

Ha-ha!

(Speaks Spanish)

Tank. Ha-ha.

Okay. Since you have yet
to ask me anything at all,

Um, I just thought

I should tell you
a little bit about myself.

Um, I'm a social worker.

- Yeah, I know what you're thinking.
- Yeah?

It's, uh-- it's very--
it's challenging work,

But it's so important.

Whoa, whoa, there, big time.
Ha. Whoa.

I'm a Customer Satisfaction Rep

at Airmeister Air Filtration Systems.

That is important work.

'cause without air,
we cannot live.

Waiter: What can I get
for you tonight?

Um, is, uh, the corned beef quesadilla,
is that any good?

Or what do you--
what do you recommend?

Do you mean unspoiled?
For example,

if you were to say,
"Is this milk any good?"

Your concern would
not be with taste,

but rather your personal safety.

♪ (Playing "Danny Boy") ♪

(Yelling in Spanish)

Hi, my name is Pedro O’Malley.

I'll be your server for tonight.

Something to drink?

Two Baja car bombs on the snap.

Oh-- ah, oh, okay.
No, I don't drink,

But thank you.

I wasn't ordering for you.

So, I gotta warn you,
the stereo's busted.

Oh. Oh, that's okay.

I've got a little bit
of a headache, so...

♪ (Stereo blaring 2 Live Crew's
"Pop That Pussy") ♪

See?!

It's been like this for a month!

I-I got it!

♪ Ooh, you make that pussy pop ♪

(Sings) ♪ Pop that pussy, hey! ♪

♪ Pop that pussy, baby ♪

♪ Pop that pussy ♪

(Spits)
These are for your ears!

(Laughs nervously)

Thanks.

You look offended by the song!

But if you really listen,
it's not really vulgar!

It's about a guy,
he's in love!

And I know he's saying,
"Pop the pussy!"

But it's a metaphor for, like,

"I wanna hug you!"

♪ Pop that pussy ♪

♪ Hug me, hug me,
hug me, hug me ♪

It's not about fucking!

It's about taking a relationship

To another level!

What?

- Yeah!
- Uh, now we see it!

So we should listen
to the whole thing

So you know the story!

Hey, listen, listen.

This girl, she is--

No. It's easy, all right?

She's not even gonna
make it past dinner.

By the time I'm done with her,

She'll know the difference
between what's in the hand

and what's in the bush.

Hi.

Yeah, um, we said 7:00.

I-I know.

I tutor this high school girl.

She's part of my Head Start program.

And she's slow.

Learning-disabled.

It's sad, heh.

Every time I... Come,

I feel like I'm wasting my time.

Oh.

You know that--
not in her eyes.

Actually...

No one is doubting your memory,
which is both vivid and damning.

But if I could, I'd
like to briefly challenge

points four and seven.

- Oh, really?
- Because, you know what?

I didn't even get to mention--

♪ This ain't nothin'... ♪

Oh, my God.

(Sighs)

Please stop.
Please stop.

♪ Let me show you
what it's gonna bring ♪

- ♪ Hold me... ♪
- ♪ Uh-huh ♪

(Urine trickling)

♪ Do me like you wanna ♪

♪ Do me like you wanna ♪

So I'll call you later?

And I'll call the cops,
you asshole.

I had a nice time tonight.

(Cell phone rings)

Hello.

Rachel: Josh, I just went on
the worst date in my life.

Rachel. Wow, um...

Hey, look, I'm gl--

- I'm so, so sorry.
- You're--

Why are you sorry?
Baby, uh, I was the one who--

Can we maybe, you know,
grab a--?

Yeah. Yeah, no, that--
that sounds great.

Yeah.

I'd really like that.

Um, listen, uh, I'm out
with a friend right now.

But, um, can I call you?

What about dinner tomorrow night?

I'd like that.

- Yeah, I'd like that too.
- All right.

- I-I'm so glad you called.
- All right, bye.

(Laughing)

Told you. I just show 'em
the difference

between what's in the hand
and what's in the bush.

You have mastered the female psyche.

To get 'em to run, I make
them think that I'm shit.

To get 'em to come,
I make 'em think they're shit.

Either way, you're the asshole.

It's what I do.

♪ (Linda Ronstadt's
"You're No Good" playing) ♪

♪ I'm telling you now, baby ♪

♪ And I'm going my way ♪

♪ Forget about you, baby ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm leaving to stay ♪

♪ You're no good,
you're no good ♪

♪ You're no good ♪

♪ Baby, you're no good ♪

♪ I'm gonna try it again ♪

♪ You're no good,
you're no good ♪

♪ You're no good ♪

♪ Baby, you're no good ♪

Shh.

♪ Ohh, ohh, no ♪

♪ You're no good,
you're no good ♪

♪ You're no good ♪

♪ Baby, you're no good ♪

(Mouths) Call me.

All right.

Look at you, all white and thin.

I bet if I laid you on this bar,
she could snort you.

- (Gasps)
- (Chuckles)

Listen, beauty queen.

I know people are concerned
about you

because you're dangerously thin.

But I'm not one of those people.
Yet, I am concerned.

I'm concerned that you've had
too many drinks,

and now your fingers
are in this bowl

like it's one of your
sorority sisters. Trust me.

These pretzeled devils,
far from complimentary.

I mean, baby, get your head
in the game.

Nothing tastes as good
as looking good.

- That is just--
- Uh, excuse me?

Are you psycho? I mean, how can
you even begin to talk--?

Easy, Urlacher.

You ever notice it's the linebackers

who are more concerned
with people not eating?

If the pussy police here

Would stop ordering
her fries tempura--

I just had a child.

Well, congratulations. I'm sure
he was probably delicious.

It looks like you downed
the whole thing.

You're an asshole.

♪ (Rock music playing over speakers) ♪

You really are an asshole.

Then walk away.

(Kissing)

Let me just go get my purse, okay?

Get cigarettes.

(Door opens, man laughs)

(Woman speaks indistinctly)

(Man) Let's go.

Take me. Take me to your house.
Take me right now to your house.

Whoa, hey, guy.

Tank, hey.
Tank, this is Renee.

Yeah. Come here.
Renee, Tank.

Hey. Okay.
Two seconds.

Talk to me for a second, all right?

Yeah, I'll talk to you all night.

Didn't I just save your ass?

I just cleaned up your bed,

and you're shitting
in it again, okay?

Aren't you getting fucking married?

I am getting married.

But not tonight.

Renee. Renee, there she is.

Josh.

- There she is.
- (Woman screams)

She's all mine.

(Sighs)

I have to work tomorrow.

Everybody's gotta work tomorrow.
It's Tuesday.

Good one.

I have a strict no-sleepover policy.

(Chuckles)

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Hm.

Come on, Tank. It's almost 5.

For some people that's not tonight,

It's tomorrow.

(Chuckles)

(Gasps)

I hate those people.

(Alarm ringing)

♪ (Indie song playing) ♪

(Blender starts)

(Cell phone rings)

(Mouths) Oh, shit.

Dustin? Yeah, five minutes is fine.

Okay. Bye.

- Woman: Dude.
- I'm sorry.

- What the shit?
- I'm sorry.

- I told you this was happening.
- Okay.

- As of now, I'm training for the marathon.
- (Turns on)

- Goal... Run, don't walk!
- (Turns off)

Nothing wrong with a little
bit of discipline.

By the way, you should try it.

You need discipline like
I need to miss my period.

Seriously, you're already, like,

a crazy, insane, OCD, alpha dog,

cyborg, crazy creature.

You mean, I have a job?

And now you're gonna wake me up

at 5:15 every single morning,

so that eventually you can run
26 miles in a circle.

Here's the great part.

You get to go back to sleep
indefinitely. Yay!

(Knock on door)

For the record...

I am involved in a very taboo
interoffice relationship.

- Morning.
- Good morning.

Aw, Dustin. The bad boy from
the wrong side of the tracks.

I'm from Lexington.

- Okay, bye.
- Bye.

- See you.
- Yeah.

(Banging on door)

That's not the secret knock.

Uh--

(Kicks door)

That's the one.
What's going on, man?

I need to move this into your room.

Tonight is the big night.

And if all goes according to plan,

consider this move permanent.

"Lawrence of a labia?"

Yeah. Um, in a moment of weakness,

I bought the entire efi.

The, um, Erotic Film Institute's
Top 100. Enjoy.

Where did it go wrong? You have
a serious masturbation problem.

It's better than taking
my sexual frustrations out

on a parade of one-night skanks
I'll never see again.

- True.
- Good morning.

Hey, no, no, come here.
This is dusty.

Dusty's my roommate-slash-cousin.

But not technically blood-related.

Our parents were friends
until his mom walked out.

Slash-fuckhead for bringing up
bad family shit

at inappropriate times.

It's nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

Fucking family.

What's the plan tonight?

Bring this girl back here,

pop open chloroform,
insert tab A into slot B?

No. Tonight is the night
I tell her how I feel.

Tank, this girl--
this girl is my soul mate,

and it's time she knew that.

Not if you want to fuck her.

You, what is the nicest thing

I've said to you since I met you?

You complimented me on my technique.

All right, look,
I'm not you, okay?

I'm not gonna manipulate her,
I'm not gonna con her.

- I'm just gonna be myself.
- Nope.

Yourself is a repressed head case

that beats more meat
than Rocky Balboa.

So by hiding your porn,
taking her to joints you hate,

training for a fucking marathon,

you're not showing her
the real you.

You're showing her a
highlight reel you.

Thus, in fact, you're conning her.

- You don't get it.
- Mm.

You don't get it.

I love her. Alexis--

Alexis is my angel.

(Man whistles, horn honks)

You get it, right?

- (Chuckles)
- (Laughs)

We don't get it.
We don't.

Uh-- anyway, we can skip
this "call me" scenario.

I'm already late.
Great.

I wanna know something.
This chick, uh--

- What's her name?
- Alexis.

If this chick Alexis
means so much to you,

how come I haven't met her yet?

'Cause she means that much to me.

Mazel Tov, man.
Love. Angels.

Awesome.

What about that girl at camp

who used to let, uh,
you play with her boobies?

Jackie? We were 15.

Yeah. She looked like
a baton with titties.

What about Gracie,
love of your life,

till you caught her
blowing Holstein

at the dance marathon
freshman year?

What's your point?

My point is this,
Lindsay, gym crush.

Melissa, your barista.
Lot of angels, Dust.

Why you gotta be such an asshole?

It's what I do, man.

Listen, good luck tonight.
If you need 'em,

condoms are in the medicine cabinet.

If not, Jergens lotion,
underneath my bed.

(Groans loudly)

(Alexis) Mm.

(Dustin) Wow. Heh-heh.
Thank you.

♪ (Piano music playing softly) ♪

Alexis: Dusty...

This is absurd.

What? You love steak,
we're eating steak.

You're a vegan.

Not tonight.
Eat, eat, eat. Eat. Enjoy.

I feel a little guilty

Loving steak so much,
and you're a vegan.

(Both chuckling)

- But whatever.
- Mm.

I love the way you eat.
(Chuckles)

I love that you eat.
(Chuckles)

I love that you pay.

(Both chuckle)

Seriously, though, I love--

I just love watching you...

Do anything.

I love it-- I love you, Alexis.
I love you.

Oh, shit.

We-- we just said

more than once we're
gonna keep it light.

We work together.
We're friends.

That's what I'm supposed to say.

Right? I mean, I'm supposed to be

the relationship tough guy,
you know?

I'm the dude. Heh.

The dude can't just
come out with, uh,

"Hey, so, I've loved you since
the moment I first saw you,

pounding out a lender's agreement,
eating Cocoa Puffs,

while some frosted-hair
pretty boy drooled over you."

- Michi yamana.
- Yeah, michi yamana. Dick.

So I love you, madly.

Sorry. I-- I--
I know I need to stop.

Now, stop. Just stop speaking, Dustin.

- Just shut your mouth.
- I'm sorry.

Wow, kamikaze, huh?
See, this is what you do to me.

(Chuckles nervously)

- What do I say here, but--?
- I'm sorry.

But do you know how hard it's been

trying to play it cool
this whole time?

- It's been five weeks.
- I know.

We haven't even had sex.

Oh, that's why we're here, Alexis.

I wanted to talk to you about--

I think I'm ready to
take the next step.

Sex isn't a step, Dustin.

Being exclusive would be a step.

Or moving in together is a step.

Then let's move in together.

(Scoffs nervously)

Oh. I need you to take me home.

But it just felt so right.

It just felt so right.

No, it does.
It feels right.

Just not right...

Now.

Just not right--
not right now.

Oh, God.

Oh. God, I'm a fag.

(Sniffles)

Dude, you canceled spice.

It was, like, 21 bucks
a month, man.

Someone had a rough night.

Ha.

I'm Mr. Right.

Just not Mr. Right now.

I-- wh-- I--

What--? What does that--
what does that even mean?

What does that even mean?

I told her I loved her--

Oh, no.

- What?
- Mm-mm.

Oh, I went in early.
No, no, I know.

I-- I went in a little early,
but she--

(Muffled laughter)

Thanks for your support. Sweet.

Dustin--

Dusty. Look.

This too shall pass, all right?

But that journey begins...

with self-exploration.

And I'm holding the map, Dusty.

Hey.

Kid. I got your "Bate Crate."

You know how much you
love your "Bate Crate."

(High voice) "I'm like
comfort food for your penis."

(Sighs)

- What do I do?
- Okay.

What do you do? Um, okay.
Let's look at the options.

Stalk her, you know. But you're
never gonna be with her.

Love her from a distance.
Never have a family.

But you could love her kids
from a distance, I guess.

Murder-suicide, but that's
trending upward.

Or I could just hire you.

No.

Why not?
I don't fuck with family.

Well, technically we're not
blood-related. Right?

Go to bed, Dust.

You're serious. Okay.

I'll get serious.

If I do this...

(Exhales)

If I do this...

I'm gonna make it the finest
tanking of my career.

My bloody fucking masterpiece.

She's gonna lose her shit like
a shit collector with amnesia.

I'm talking about a Turkish twist,

epic mind fuck of a tanking, okay?

Her brain is gonna be rocking
back and forth in the shower

for like three weeks.
(Shivers)

Okay?

I'm talking about demonic fucking tank.

I'm gonna be flying up
into the sky.

She's gonna cry tears

that form "call Dusty"
on the ground.

Yes? Am I doing it?

Tell me I'm doing it.

Okay, that was weird.
And I'm not sure that--

Listen, uh, rain check,
maybe, though. Um--

Wow. Can't believe
I almost resorted

to emotional terrorism.
I'm sorry.

You're sweet. Next time.
With the next one, maybe.

Thank you.
I'm here.

Uh-- uh--

A little crazy.
Sweet. Crazy mostly.

(Door closes)

Don't say a word.

Man: Really?

(Man speaking indistinctly)

God!

(Screams)

Why?

That stupid--

Ah!

Hi. Tank Turner, Customer Satisfaction.

How may I help you today?

Woman: Excuse me, do you have any idea
how long I was just on hold?

- Uh--
- it's been like an hour and a half.

(Hangs up)

Man: Hello. In your manual,

you've expressed the possibility

of some of odor issues.

Faint aroma, it says here
on page 7.

Come on, man.
Faint aroma? Bullshit.

It smells like burnt
fucking hair, dude.

'Cause, apparently, I paid

49.90-motherfucking-5

so that my sweet-ass condo

smells like some
Korean cat barbecue.

Computer voice: Touchdown.
You lose. You lose.

- You suck.
- Uh...

Sir, I will gladly give you a refund.

But that's not gonna
solve your problem.

(Beeps)

New girl.

Man: Ooh.

♪ New girl ♪

♪ Ooh, new girl ♪

(Phone ringing)

Did the emotional terrorist win?

I just-- you know, it's funny.

I never noticed your highlights

until somebody actually
said something.

And they're actually really good.

Just tell me how it works.

Let me make this crystal clear.
Before she can love you,

she has to hate me.

But before she can hate me,
she has to like me.

That may be the hardest part
of the equation.

So this is where I set up
the meet-cute.

In every movie, the stars meet
in some cutesy bullshit way.

Since every woman is looking
for that dreamy-witty-goofy guy

oOf their sitcom, rom-com fantasies,

I've gotta be that thing.

Here.
(Exhales)

Lucky slap on the ass.
Hit it.

♪ ("My Best Friend's Girl"
by The Cars playing) ♪

♪ Here she comes again ♪

♪ When she's dancing 'neath
the starry sky ♪

♪ I kinda like the way she dips ♪

♪ Wild child, baby ♪

♪ She's my best friend's girl ♪

♪ She's my best friend's girl ♪

♪ Wild child ♪

♪ But she used to be mine ♪

Oh! (Grunts)

(Groans)

Are you okay?

(Chuckling)

Long as you're up.
I'm Alexis.

What's up?

Wow. Wow, that looked really real.

Is-- is that real?
It's real and it hurts.

Okay. So, uh-- so, like,
what happens now?

You, uh-- you come back every day
for a couple of weeks,

slowly, eventually, you build her trust.

Daddy Bee's got the honey.

That's her number.

- Let's go eat.
- How--?

How did--?

Now, remember, she's classy.

So maybe a-- a fast food joint.

Or wait, wait.
Drive-thru.

Do I tell you what flavor of jam

to eat out of your boss's ass?

No. Dusty, it's what I do, okay?

You want offensive locales?

There's a place in Revere,

they let you boil your own dolphin.

Place in Arlington, you can
have a dominatrix waitress

take a dump on your lap while
she peppers your Cobb salad.

I know a spot in P-town
you can get a meat loaf

shaped like a cock.

You gotta trust me. She's not
gonna know what hit her.

All right. Good luck.

(Woman groans)

Do not wear that, please--
what am I doing?

Just take this. This is
what you're doing.

Clean the pipes.
'Cause it's mandatory

to just flush 'em out
after a relationship.

That's disgusting.
But seriously,

what's wrong with me?

Dustin's a good guy.

Oh. You're such a fucking
girl sometimes.

A good guy? Who cares?

A good guy is, like,

somebody that your parents dig.

Listen to me.
In the real world.

- Ami.
- I'm listening.

- In the real world.
- Yes.

What if he's a good man
with a good heart?

And he's smart. And if he's not
too rough on the eyes.

Well, if ifs and buts
were cocks and nuts,

I'd be getting gangbanged right now.

Seriously. But it's that
I wanna teach you something...

- (Laughs)
- that took me, like,

years and years of promiscuity
to learn. Okay?

- What is this outfit?
- It's awesome.

Hey. How many guys
have you slept with?

- Like, total? Three, right?
- Two.

Ami: Ow!

- Two?!
- I'm a serial monogamist.

Well, okay.
That's, like, the first big,

huge problem right there.

Didn't anybody ever tell you

that you have to suck a few frogs

before you get to suck...

a prince?

I believe it's "kiss."

Pretend it's a year abroad,
you know?

But instead of going to Europe,

you're just gonna bang
a whole shitload of dudes.

It's awesome.

I haven't been drunk in a long time.

Good. You need it.
You need it.

Now tell me something.
What do you see in this box?

Ah.

- I see... into the--
- No, in the box.

Oh.

An inordinate amount of
masturbatory aides, which,

some, I pray...

are novelty-sized.

Ami: Oh, my God!

(Both laughing)

Okay. That will do nicely.

You, sir. Show her a
good time tonight.

- I love you. I love you.
- Show her a good time.

Such a good time. Love you.
Have a great night.

Don't be scared without me.

- I'll be back. I'll be back.
- Yeah. I'll be waiting--

- She's my roommate.
- I bet she gives great head.

Actually, I'm sure she does.

You're pretty drunk.

I'm pretty ready to rock!

(Laughing)

Oh, boy.

Tank. Is this a Mustang?

It's a GTO.

- A-- whatever that means.
- Yeah.

(Laughing)

Well, listen, uh, I just wanna
warn you, my stereo is busted.

Oh, that's cool. That's cool.

(Starts car)

♪ I like big booties,
big old titties ♪

(Screams)

Hey, this is my--

I almost lost my virginity
to this song.

♪ (2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
playing on radio) ♪

♪ I get hard after seeing you ♪

♪ How hard? Hard like a rock ♪

♪ When you make that pussy pop ♪

♪ Pop that pussy ♪

♪ Hey, pop that pussy, baby ♪

- Let's go!
- Yeah, let's go!

♪ (Hip-hop music playing) ♪

- This is a first, Tank.
- Yeah, me too.

Should we sit front row and center?

Oh, wild.

Whoo.

Yeah, can we get, uh,
two Long Island Iced Teas,

and put the chop-chop on that, lady.

Could you make mine a double?

And two shots of tequila, please.

Oh. Oh.

(Laughing, shrieks happily)

Ha-ha!

Okay, let's slow down, princess.

You're getting sloshed like
it's your prom night here.

I never went to prom.
I never went--

No shock there.
I believe that.

I had the date, I had the dress.

But prom was the night my dog
bit my sister in the neck...

- Yeah.
- and we had to put him down.

- Oh, shit.
- And I will never,

oh, my goodness, ever
forget the horror

in little Fraggle's eyes

as his paw went limp in my hand.

Horrible. Blood.
It was just, like, uh.

Sure that's not the only thing
that's gone limp in your hand.

But I will say it.
In all sincerity,

That sucks. Sorry.

Sad to lose a pet.

Where do they learn how to do this?

- Well...
- I wanna know...

I taught them a few things.

- Ha-ha.
- Ha-ha. Ha-ha.

(Laughs)

Alexis: That's incredible.

Oh. Oh!

What is that?
What is that?

I think we should just fuck tonight.

(Laughing)

- That looks pretty.
- Thanks.

I'm gonna go pee.

Got it.

(Phone ringing, rock music playing)

Hey, I can't talk.

- Where are you?
- I-I'm out. I'm seeing a band.

They suck, but I'm seeing them.
So I really can't talk.

Put your "Guitar Hero" down.

What? What the fuck
are you talking about?

I'm not playing "Guitar Hero."
Um, Saturday night. I'm out.

Just put it down.
We have problems.

All right. What is the story?

I am... drunk, and he is either

the biggest asshole in America,

or trying to convince me he's
the biggest asshole in America.

Either way, even a broken clock
is right twice a day,

But this guy...
come on.

How better to appreciate
Dustin than to do this?

Than to bang this guy, who's,
like, obviously far inferior,

but probably hung like Seabiscuit.
Right?

Now go. Go and bang.

Bang like you have never
"bung" before.

And do it for Dustin.

(Toilet flushes)

What is this?

- Baby doll...
- Hi.

- Hi.
- I'm Alexis.

- Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you too.

And when it comes to love,

there's only one thing
you can trust.

And it's not your friends,

it's not your head.

It's that little voice
inside your clamburger.

♪ (Mark Weigle's "Hot Rod" playing) ♪

"Listen to me."

(Chuckles)

Oh.

(Door closes)

Watch this. It's a game.

It's called "Who's at the door?"

And I look out the peephole.

It's the mailman.

♪ You know I'm looking forward
to the quarter-mile ride ♪

♪ Motor on the trail and... ♪

Wait, aren't you gonna play
with her tits? Help me out.

♪ There'll be a party tonight ♪

♪ I got a hot rod ♪

You can stay there.
That's good.

Oh. Oh. You grab that.
I'll, uh--

I'll get the next one.

- Uh, there won't be a next time.
- Lucky me.

Ha-ha-ha.

Oh.

And our motto, basically, is,

"Without air, we--"

"without air, we cannot live."

Right.

- Stop.
- Why?

I get it.
You're a dick.

I'm sufficiently offended.

Done.

Mm.

Mm. Mm.

Coming...

Up?

(Claps hands)

Uh...

Suit yourself.

Enjoy the long ride home.

(Laughing)

I'm going home, okay?
Now, why am I going home?

Because I'm going home.
I'm getting in the car.

Eyes in the game and the head
in the ball.

Can't do it.

Just start the car.
Just start the car, baby.

Just gotta start the car,
you get the fuck out of here.

Why? 'Cause, look.
'Cause your head's in the game,

your balls are attached,

and you're gonna go home
and maybe...

maybe she'll call you mañana.

Why would she call me?
She'll call Dusty.

'Cause she's what?
Dusty's girlfriend.

Follow the bouncing ball.
She is Dusty's girlfriend.

Listen to me.

What is wrong with you, asshole?

(Exhales)

Tsk.

You... asked me...

to trust you.

And I trusted you.
Done. Mm-hm.

Somehow.

Some way.

Thank you.

(Laughing)

Mm-hm.

Dude, you did it.
She-- she just called.

Okay, quote... "I just had
the worst night of my life."

"I just had the worst night
of my life." You did it, man.

We're having lunch tomorrow.

Tank, we're having lunch.
Can you believe it?

Dude, when it comes to being
an asshole, you are a genius.

Genius. Ha! Heh-heh.

Yeah, I--
anything for a friend.

Alexis: Mm.

So...

(Clears throat)

About the other night...

Okay, I was stupid.
I was stupid.

It's just, I've never...

I've never gone this far
with a girl emotionally.

- And I-- I just lost it.
- Slow down. Slow down.

I was stupid. And harsh.

And I'm sorry.

Last night I went out
with a real asshole.

Horrible.

It just made me realize that
guys like you are so rare.

But it also made me realize
how few guys I've dated.

How few guys I've actually
gone out with.

Like, none. I need to date,
and you need to date.

Other people.

I'm just saying that...

what I'm trying to say is
that I wanna start over...

as friends first.

Like, be friends.

I like you. As my friend.

(Seagulls cawing)

Start over.

- As friends first.
- Friends.

Like Harry and Sally. Heh-heh.

Hmmmmm...

I think the point of that movie

was that men and women,
they can't just be friends.

No, no, no, no. They can--
they can be just friends.

Even date other people.
As long as they end up together.

In the-- in the end. As long, as long,
as they end up together. Right?

Yeah.

- This was fun. You know, uh...
- Yeah.

I, uh-- I'm gonna go,

Because my sister is getting married.

It's an on-again, off-again,
on-again thing.

She's freaking out, treating me
like her assistant.

So I'm running all over.

I'm-- I'm really glad
we had this talk, you know?

Dude. You check out that
sandwich they got downstairs?

Bread is, like, two slices
of freaking pizza, man.

- Only in America.
- Fuck me.

Man, on phone: Clean air probably
shouldn't stink like flaming ass nougat.

I got a real fucking
tough guy over here.

I got a guy on the verge of
a five-state killing spree.

- Do you wanna--?
- Yeah.

Ready? Three, two, one.

Both: Sir, let me transfer
you to my supervisor.

- Make me proud.
- Kill it.

Hi, this is supervisor Eugene Lenay.

Both: How may I help you?

Please hold.

- (Beeps)
- (Exhales)

Treat her like a bowling ball.

Strike.

Dust, hold on one second,
all right?

Sir, I looked into the problem,
and it'll actually fix itself.

- What's up, kid?
- You failed, Tank.

- She wants to see other people.
- Okay.

Wait, what? She said she wants
to see other people?

Yeah, yeah, she did.

That's why you're gonna
take her out again.

Except this time, you're gonna
get seriously diabolical.

Okay? I'm talking, uh,
public defecation.

Dust, you're freaking
me out here, okay?

Tanking is a subtle art.

You can't go in there crazy like
a dragon with a hemorrhoid.

Tank: Besides, why do you think
she'd ever wanna speak to me again?

Dustin: Don't worry,
I'm taking care of that.

No, you're not.
You do-- Dust.

Don't do anything, okay?
Listen.

I have to teach a training
seminar 10 minutes ago.

Dusty?

(Gargles, spits)

- You're late, Tank.
- I know.

- You're Tank, right?
- Are you a cop?

No. No, Roger’s friend, Sonny,
said you fix things.

- Walk with me.
- Oh.

- You're late.
- Thank you.

I'm going crazy without her.

Like shit-in-the-bed-and-
roll-around-in-the crazy.

- You're late, man.
- Shut up.

Religious girl. I know.
How do I bump into her?

- You're late.
- No shit.

She's a high-school English teacher.
So there's that.

Guy can't really hang around
a school now. Unfortunately.

- Oh! Gets her hair done Tuesdays.
- Ooh. Love it.

What did you do? Did you put
your foot in your mouth?

Foot-long in somebody
else's mouth? Facts.

Let's say you're gonna
have to be a real asshole

to make me look good. (Laughs)

It's what I do.

- You're late.
- Yes.

Everybody, you're late.
Don't let it happen again.

I'm Tank, and I will be brief.

Here at Airmeister,
we have two rules.

No refunds.

The beauty of an air purifier
is that nobody can prove

that it doesn't work.

- (Beep)
- Amanda, you saucy tart.

I want somebody really pissed off.

I'm talking about Defcon 2
level of anger.

Who do you got for me, baby?

Amanda: I have just the one
for you, Tank.

She's furious and she asked
for you by name.

Put her through.

Tank Turner, customer satisfaction.

How may I help you?

Alexis: Before we even discuss
what I just received,

which is a whole other mystery,

I-I demand an explanation for yesterday.

Ma'am, I'm fully concerned.

What happened yesterday?

Are you gay?

Or are you just an asshole?

Oh, ma'am. Profanity is superfluous,

Because no verbal affront

could be as devastating to me
as your dissatisfaction.

Dissatisfaction?

Yes, I mean, if the unit's performance

or lack thereof, has left you frustrated--

See, I never saw your unit.

I gave you your chance,

And you didn't deliver.

Ma'am, you're upset.
I'm upset.

I'm upset that you
will never, ever know

What it's like to sit on a hot,

sweaty summer night,

and let that unit blow
its glorious bounty

all over your face.

Whoa. You think after the shit
you put me through

that-- that I-- I called just so
you could talk dirty to me?

I gave you a one-time
free hall pass for sex.

Good sex. Hot sex.
I-- I-- I...

Fucking roofied myself.

(Gasps)

I'm a little confused. Amanda?

You're confused?
That makes two of us,

because I don't know what kind
of asshole acts like an asshole,

and then, when it actually
comes time to be an asshole,

walks away.

Like a total asshole.

Making me look like an
even bigger asshole

for offering some big-ass asshole

asshole sex in the first place.

What kind of asshole are you?

(All laughing)

This is actually a personal call.

Dude, you are so hired.

Excuse me for a second.

(Girl laughing)

Shit.

Asshole.

♪ (The Cars'
"My Best Friend's Girl" playing) ♪

Sorry.

Offer expired.

Oh, okay.

Did you really think
that roses and a poem

would give you a second chance?

You rhymed "apology"
with "apologetically."

I'm--

I just felt bad, okay?

Because you're right, I do
owe you an explanation.

I didn't sleep with you because
you're not attractive.

There, I said it.

Oh, thanks.
Thank you so much,

because you saved me from
what could have possibly been

the worst decision of my life.

And I've eaten sushi in Tijuana.

Ooh, 1-0, okay.
You're below my standards.

Even for a one-night pity fuck.

And I've taken down
some real hogs, Alexis.

Yeah, hogs, cows, sheep.

I bet your sex life is a
regular heavy-petting zoo.

You know what?

You're what we call a two bagger.

That means I have to wear
a bag on my head

just in case the one
on yours breaks.

You sure it's not just a size thing?

'Cause it's gotta be tough
standing at a urinal,

pissing on your own testicles.
(Chuckles)

Well, at least I can hide
my shame in my pants.

What really sucks is having an ass

the size of a miniature
Mediterranean donkey.

That-- suck.

- Don't--
- You think that's too big?

Think that's too small?

So you said do nothing,
but I-I did something.

Totally small. I sent her
a couple hundred bucks

worth of roses and a kick-ass poem.

Short. Few stanzas.
No big deal.

Did she call?

No. She didn't.

Dusty, these women, they have a way

of getting into our head, man.

I'm gonna give you some
fresh perspective.

Listen to me, this girl--
I'm getting a hunch.

She's built for destruction.

You can't trust her.

You know who you have
to trust, Dusty?

Each other.

Yeah, it's time to let her go.

Maybe get some--
you know.

Just let her go, move on.
You know?

You want me to move on?

Give up. You want me to give up?
That's your big plan?

I should just give up?
(Chuckles)

Well, that doesn't quite
work for me, okay?

That doesn't quite work for me.

Look, I'm not some sort of,
uh, misogynist

that can just swap out women
like they were batteries, okay?

I love her, Tank.

I care more about this girl
than I do myself.

And you will-- you will
never understand that.

It's new to me.

She said she wants
to be friends. Heh.

You know what?

I'll give her a friend.

I'll be the best goddamn friend
she ever had.

♪ (Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers'
"Don't Do Me Like That" playing) ♪

(Mouthing dialogue)

♪ I was talking with a friend of mine ♪

♪ Said a woman had hurt his pride ♪

♪ Told him that she loved him so ♪

♪ And turned around, let him go ♪

♪ Then he said,
"You better watch your step ♪

♪ "Or you're gonna get hurt yourself ♪

♪ "Someone's gonna tell you lies..." ♪

Today was a good day for us.

- We made some really nice eye contact.
- (Vibrates)

- Although I couldn't gauge--
- I gotta run.

♪ What if I love you baby ♪

♪ Don't do me like that
Don't do me like that ♪

- ♪ Don't do me like that ♪
- (Laughs)

♪ Someday I might need you baby ♪

♪ Don't do me like that ♪

♪ Listen, honey, can you see ♪

♪ Baby, you would bury me ♪

♪ If you were in the public eye ♪

♪ Givin' someone else a try... ♪

She's really tough to read.

Really tough to read.

I felt like--

I felt like she was a bit, uh,

- Distracted today.
- (Cell vibrating)

You know?

Totally. Hey, can we do this later?

Huh? Oh.

♪ What if I love you baby ♪

♪ Don't, don't, don't, don't ♪

♪ Don't do me like that
Don't do me like that ♪

♪ What if I need you baby ♪

♪ Don't do me like that ♪

♪ 'Cause somewhere deep down inside ♪

♪ Someone is sayin' ♪

♪ Love doesn't last that long ♪

♪ I got this feelin' inside ♪

♪ Night and day, and ♪

♪ And now I can't take it no more ♪

(Giggles)

♪ Listen, honey, can you see ♪

♪ Baby you would bury me ♪

♪ If you were in the public eye ♪

(Mouths) It's hot.

♪ Givin' someone else a try ♪

♪ And you know you better
watch your step ♪

♪ Or you're gonna get hurt... ♪

- Where are you going?
- Uh, just...

♪ Cut you down to size ♪

♪ Don't do me like that
Don't do me like that ♪

♪ Baby, baby, baby ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪

She's seeing someone.

Dusty.

What are you doing?

You're scaring the shit
out of me.

Why are you in the dark like
a vampire, you creepy weirdo?

She's seeing someone.

We don't go out at night.

I get her voicemail after 10.

She's seeing someone.

And I'm gonna find out who.

I'm gonna take back "weirdo."

You're giving off more of
a full-blown, serial-psycho,

crawlspace-full-of-skin-sombreros
kind of vibe.

Stop. Intervention time.

It's time to forget about Alexis--
look at me.

All right?

It's time to wipe the cobwebs
off your cock

and stick something.

(Chuckles)

I-- I don't think
she'd be cool with that.

Dusty, pl-- look at me, please.

You definitely--
you don't need a permission.

You need to get laid.

And if you listen to me, I bet
I could make that happen.

This the most important thing
any man can do for himself.

A haircut?

Yes, Dusty, a haircut.
Look at me.

You look like Chewbacca
and Sasquatch had a baby,

and that baby took a shit.
And that shit was blinded

in a knife fight moments
before styling your hair.

- Bit harsh.
- Mm-hm.

Appointment for Dusty, please.

Grab a seat.

Great article. I've read that.
Sorry to interrupt.

Oh.

My associate here is looking
for a stylist he can trust and

this place was recommended to us
by a woman in our prayer group.

Oh.

Well, is he looking for
something simple or-- ?

Maybe a "What would Jesus 'do?"

(Both laughing)

I'm Hilary.

Hilary, my name is Tank.

This is Dustin.

Hi.

So I've got an $85 haircut
so you could have a meet-cute?

Oh, it's 110.
Worth every penny.

In return, I'm gonna
get you a date with--

Let's just call her
a confidence booster.

A slow, fat one down the middle.

I hope that's a baseball metaphor.

This pitch is in your wheelhouse.

Grand slam, upper deck, game over.

Hey, beauty queen.

Hey, I have a question, I'm sorry.

I've got these little, um--

- Is there any way you could-- ?
- Yeah.

Uh-huh.

- Shit. Ow.
- I'm sorry.

No, I'm sorry. Sorry. Ah.

Ah, is there maybe
any other way we could--

Yeah. Okay.

Guess what?

We're all set for tonight.

Okay, hold still.

(Electric razor buzzing)

Hey, what about, like, um,
frosting my tips?

What are you, a Mini-Wheat?

Listen, this girl's not Alexis, okay?

She's got a bed built for sex,
not stuffed animals.

Wait, what?

How do you know that Alexis has
stuffed animals on her bed?

Oh.

Oh, my God.

- Wait.
- Oh, my.

- Fuck.
- Oh, my Go--

This stuff happens in salons, Dusty.

Sometimes, it's fixable, right?

Please tell him it's fixable.

I'm gonna throw up.

Makeup, little shading,
maybe some glue.

How about a goddamn eyebrow toupee?

- Where's my eyebrow?
- I don't know what to say.

Oh, God. Kill me, kill me, kill me.
Where's my eyebrow!?

That's a new look.

You can fix it, right?

Oh, sure, I'll just pop
into my Delorean.

- It's in the back.
- Don't be such a bitch.

You're the bitch, bitch.

Hey, gossip girls.
Focus on my friend.

- He's follically deformed.
- Fuck my fucking mother!

Let's come up with this--

Dusty, unless one's missing,
nobody's gonna notice.

- Yeah.
- Oh, my God.

Come here, sit down.

- Give me that.
- Yup. Yeah, yeah.

You gotta be brave, man.

What?

- Oh, my God.
- Yeah.

- Come on.
- Do it. It's good.

Come on, it's gonna--

- It's gonna look great.
- Mm-hm.

- (Razor buzzing)
- Oh, my God.

It's gonna be really hot.

- Better be hot.
- Yeah.

Fuck. Oh.

Bad. Bad times.

Ooh.

Oh, my fucking shit!

Woman: Coming.

(Clears throat)

Oh. Those are lovely.

And I see you've got
a hairstyle change.

True.

Claire! He's here!

Come on in. She'll be right out.

Oh, um-- I'm sorry,
I was, uh--

I was under the impression
that we-- um--

Who? Us?

No. Tank said you needed a lay-up.

Are you calling me a lay-up?

Huh? No, uh-uh.
God, no. Uh-heh. No.

Ha-ha. They told me
you were taller.

Uh...

Just for peace of mind,

the father of this child is...?

In the middle of a brutal divorce

with the mother of this child.

Cool. Ha-ha.

I mean not cool.
That's not cool, but--

- Ha.
- Here you go.

Ah-- lilies.

Uh, thoughtful. Heh.

(Chuckles)

- Oh.
- Whoops.

- Sorry.
- I don't wanna give 'em up.

I told you.

My friend said he was
one of the good guys.

I don't know if I would say
I'm one of the--

I-- I've been known to be, uh,
a bit of a dog sometimes.

(Girls laughing)

How cute. He's trying
to convince himself.

Oh, no, you're a sweetheart.
And that's okay.

I mean, um, Claire needs
someone like you

after the mess that
she's been through.

Someone nice.

Nice is...

Nice.

- Should I take those?
- Oh. Yes.

(Baby crying)

I'm sorry. Sitter's running a bit late.

Can I get you something to drink, cutie?

Uh.

Uh, yeah, actually.
As a matter of fact, yeah.

- Okay.
- You can, ha.

(Clears throat)

I'll have what he's having.

- What the fuck?!
- What?

- What just happened?
- He just said he wants--

- I-I j-just--
- I said--

He looked at Liam,
licked his lips and said,

- "I'll have what he's having."
- Okay, but what I meant--

- What does that even mean?
- Yeah, what does that even mean?

Okay, I'll ex-- let me explain.

- You want me to lactate for you?
- Ew, no.

You want my big, life-giving,
mothering, nurturing breast

in your filthy mouth?

What's wrong with you?!
There's a child here.

- She's got a child.
- I know, I see the child.

A child.

It is a child. I-I was just--

You want to breast-feed.

- What!?
- That's what this is.

You're some fetishistic monster

who preys on women.

Okay. I was just thinking--

You're disgusting.

I was gonna throw myself
at you, and you-- you...

I was just joking--

- Can we just start over?
- Hi.

- I just want to start--
- sorry, Laney.

We don't need a sitter tonight.

Groucho here made a mark
about suckling at my teat

and stealing my baby's milk,

and is consequently leaving.

- Okay.
- Get the fuck out!

Okay, I'm really sorry.

- No, no more. Just get out.
- I'm just-- I'm sorry.

- I'm really sorry.
- Go, go.

(Weeping)

Come here.

Ha-ha. Whoa.

You got shot down, ha-ha.
In a blaze of glory, heh.

You cost me a job, man.

I'm sorry. Um, let me
make it up to you.

How much, um...?

Oh, uh, forty.
Fifty if it's past 11.

Okay, here's, uh--
here's 60 for your trouble.

I'm really sorry.

Sweet. Heh.

Hey, for another 60,

I'll jerk you off in
the parking garage.

Jesus. Do I really look that desperate?

There's no milk, but I'll let you
suck tit for five bucks a minute.

(Elevator dings)

- Excuse me.
- Mm.

Heh.

♪ (Rock music playing) ♪

♪ If love lasts forever ♪

♪ Why can't forgiveness too... ♪

Alexis!

Alexis!

Alexis, I love you!

I love you, Alexis!
I can't just be friends, okay?

Alexis, come to--
Come to the door!

(Knocking on door)

Hold on.

- Ha-ha. Dobler.
- Hey, hey.

Hi, there. I'm so sorry.

Your BFF's upstairs with another guy.

Holy shit. What is going on
with your eyebrows?

- Seriously, I think there's---
- wait, I'm sorry.

She's got a-- a-a-a--
a guy up there?

But they're just hanging out, right?

Wait, is she seeing this guy?

No, no, no. No, no.
Just an occasional bang.

No. No, God, no.

How many times have they gone out?

How many times have they? Not--

They don't go out. Ever.

No. He just comes over, and he
bangs, and then he leaves.

- What?
- You know, she's doing

this all for you. Think about it.

She's up there with her knees
by her ears, getting railed,

so one day she can settle down
with a nice boy like yourself.

- But, I love her. I love her.
- Dustin.

- You'd better be ready.
- Oh.

- I'm serious.
- Dustin: Alexis.

Alexis. Ale--

Dustin. What are you doing here?

What is he doing here?

Well, this is my--

It's Tank.

This is the guy you're with?

No, I'm not with anyone.

I'm not--
we're not together.

I mean, no offense, Tank,
but we're not....

I told you. I told you that
I was gonna get out there

And I was gonna see other people,
and I was gonna date,

and kind of get some
experience under my belt,

and live my life just a little bit.
For once in my life,

do something like that. And that's
exactly what I'm doing.

Should I go?

Yes.

- I'm gonna go.
- No, no, no.

- Yeah. No, it's-- yeah--
- Tank.

- You know what? I'll go.
- No, you don't go. You stay.

No, really, I should get going.
I have a big day tomorrow.

My roommate's moving out.

- I have some shit to do too.
- Really?

- Bye.
- Both: I'll call you later.

- No, after you.
- You got her.

- No, please, I insist.
- You go first.

All right, fine.

- How could I trust you?
- I don't know.

Hey, I wasn't kidding.

You're out by tomorrow morning.

Dusty.

I thought so.

So we remember the words
of Betty Friedan.

A woman has got to be able
to say, and not feel guilty,

"who am I?

And what do I want out of life?"

That's why my Women's Studies Program

Will be focused on the liberation,

celebration...

and exploration...

of you.

And you.

And you.

Enjoy your weekend, and please
try to do so responsibly.

(Indistinct chatter)

The man is Oprah.

Professor: Um...

Would you all excuse me for
just one second, please?

(Chuckling)

- Sherman, Sherman, Sherman.
- Hey, dad.

If there's anything else
I can get for you,

I'm always available, professor.

One of my teaching assistants,

and a very, very hardworking young woman.

(Door opens, closes)

(Whispering) Last night, I fucked her
within an inch of her life.

True story. I'm jamming her head
through the headboard.

I flip her over, she screams,
"Give me a choker."

I play the choirboy.
"what's that?"

Star wipe to five minutes later,

She's bucking like an epileptic
at a strobe light convention.

Now I'm getting scared.

And as I'm working out the 911 phone call
in my head, she goes,

(Mimicking air escaping)

(Normal voice) Like an air bag.

Now, that's a Tuesday night.

You got a good gig, dad.

How you doing, son?

Dusty kicked me out.

In all fairness, I was
accidentally sleeping

with his pseudo-girlfriend,
but, um...

I feel like shit.

Son, let me tell you a story.

December, 1977,

your mother, God rest her soul,

throws one of her infamous

pot potlucks, and I find myself
sozzled in the boathouse

with your Aunt Francie.

Now, today, some might
consider her to be zaftig,

but back then, she could
really hang a sundress.

How I yearned for her.

But I refrained...

Because it was your mother's sister.

I get it. I fucked up.

No.

No. The point is,
is that two days later,

I banged the shit out of her
in the back of a Bonneville

while your mother filled
my prescription.

Best Pontiac sex I've ever had.

Okay, so you approve?

(Chuckles)

Guilt is just one more thing

trying to asphyxiate us during sex.

You cheat, you feel bad,
you watch TV,

you feel better... (Clicks)

You cheat again.

(Door closes)

(Mouths words)

All right, dad, you know what?

This girl's different.

All right? She's smart, she's cool.
She's tough.

She's a 10.

Ms. Barber, I must apologize
for my son's

antiquated phraseology.

Out of desperation, he continues
to assess women

a base-10 value number
predicated solely

on their physical countenance.

That's, uh...

- That's wrong, Sherman.
- Ms. Barber: No problem.

Yee-haw!

(Humming)

Get that dogie.

(Laughs)

Okay.

(Mimicking searing sound)

I moved away from the numbers
a long time ago.

Since you rarely find a 10
outside of L.A.

And that's ass-up in polyurethane.

You're really talking about
a one through nine.

It was too constricting.

I'm all about the letters now.

(Gasps)

J.

(Sniffs)

She smells like a J.

E over there in the booth.
Ooh, ooh.

Uh, an E is a, uh--
is a 22 on a scale of 26.

It gets easier with practice.

(Inhales)

S.

Crop top over here.
She would be an F?

Nah, bad skin. She's a G, maybe
an H, without the war paint.

But, uh, that cougar over there,

Bo Derek, with the blue wrap,

- she's a solid L.
- Tank: Okay, wait a second.

That woman is 62,
that wrap is a shawl,

that L is a Y.

And there's a reason
they call them Y's.

- Come on.
- Check it.

Wow, good call, Sherm.
Good call.

- I've gotta get that lasik.
- Hm.

So, uh, you gonna wing me or what?

(Sighs) What's the game plan?

Well, being an educator,

I like to stick to
the school grades...

A, B, C and D.

You, on the other hand, should...

stay with the back 13,
thin out the herd.

Thanks, dad. I'm off the
market right now.

I told you about this girl.
You know, she-- uh...

The other night we're making love,

and, uh, we're just

laying there afterwards, and--

- Sharing the silence?
- Yeah.

(Chuckles)

- What the fuck is wrong with you?
- What?

"Making love?"
What are you, Nora Ephron?

Is this some Redbook interview?

You sound like Liberace’s
stylist's boyfriend.

"Let's just enjoy the silences
and the caprice together."

- I have no son. I have no son.
- Dad. I dig this girl.

Good, keep talking.
And while you're talking,

there are cougars on my right
who are clocking us.

- In real time.
- Can you just listen?

As soon as you put on
your safari hat

and grab your gun.

Dad, can you just stay here
with me, please?

Of course I can, son.

Since you just fucked my chances
with the "dad" play.

Thanks for projecting.

Not to mention the
gay-grip-caress maneuver

for the hearing-impaired.

Can't you just be my dad
for five fucking seconds?

Oh, I'm sorry. You want the
real father-son bullshit.

Right this way.

That girl was dating Dusty,

which means she's out of your league.

She was slumming it, Sherman.

"Now, the truth may set you free,

but first it's gonna piss you off."

Gloria Steinem said that.

(Cell phone vibrates)

My son, the booty call.

Thanks for the advice...

Professor.

(Tank grunting softly)

Oh. Shit.

(Chuckles)

(Alexis moans)

(Tank sighs)

(Sighs)

(Whispers) That was insane.

(Chuckles)

(Sighs)

(Normal voice)
It was insane, right?

(Sniffles)

It was...

(Sighs)

Hey, yeah, can I have some of that?

(Sighs)

Who's that guy?

Alexis: That's Greg.

He's an old friend.

(Sighs)

Why?

Just I'm seeing, you know,

his arm's a little low on your hip.

One of his hands,
almost near your ass.

You know, for a friend.

- Did you guys ever hook up?
- (Giggles)

- Really?
- You're not serious, are you?

No. No, I'm not serious at all.

I mean, you're in a picture with him.

Oh, my God, you're serious.

Wait, w--

Why don't we have a picture?

I... I don't know.

(Groans) Um...

- I can fix that.
- No, no, no, no, no.

That's easy.

No, no. I'm naked.
I don't want-- just--

Yeah. I know. I want that.

- Come here. You're pushing me.
- Tank. Tank. Tank. Tank. Tank.

- I'm out of the bed.
- I'm serious.

Okay.

That hurt.

- I'm tired.
- That really hurt.

(Groans)

(Clicks)

- (Closes phone)
- (Both sigh)

Stupid idea. It's late.

(Sighs)

I gotta work tomorrow.

Everybody's gotta work tomorrow.

(Groans)

(Sighs)

You don't want me to stay tonight.

W-w--

- I just sort of feel like it's--
- Yeah.

Nah.

Ah. Totally understandable.

♪ (Teddy Thompson's
"Separate Ways" playing) ♪

Yeah.

♪ Come rollin' into town unaware ♪

♪ Of the power that you have over me ♪

♪ And what am I to do ♪

♪ With "Hello, how are you?" ♪

♪ Nothing's ever said that should be ♪

♪ And I don't care about you ♪

♪ If you don't care about me ♪

♪ We can go our separate ways ♪

♪ If you want to ♪

♪ Oh, if you want to ♪

♪ Oh, oh ♪

♪ If you want to ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ If you want to ♪

(Sighs)

♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Mm, if you want to ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh... ♪

- Hi.
- Oh.

What happened to 8?

8's good.

But you're an hour late.

Oh. Can we make it 9?

I-I thought you wanted to
get drinks before dinner.

I did. And I did.

- Oh.
- (Chuckles)

Well-- well, I'm not getting
in a car with you.

Like I tell my students,

even one drink is one drink too many.

No vehicle necessary, teach.

The place we're going is right here.

It's good. Let's go.

♪ (The Royal Philharmonic Orchestra's
"Hallelujah Chorus" playing) ♪

♪ Hallelujah ♪

♪ Hallelujah ♪

- ♪ Hallelujah, hallelujah ♪
- (People chattering)

This is wrong.

(Sighs)

Let's eat.

Oh, right there.

♪ Hallelujah, hallelujah ♪

- ♪ Hallelujah ♪
- Ha-ha.

I'm starving. I wanted to
show you this too.

Look, it's my new T-shirt. Boom.

"My cock plus your pussy equals..."?

"Good times?"

That's it.

Welcome to cheesus crust,

Where pizza is a religious experience.

How can I ordain your order?

How is the pizza of Nazareth?

People worship it.

I'm deeply offended.

Me too. These prices are outrageous.

Which is why I carry
my flavor savior card.

(Chanting like monk)
15% off all who eat here religiously.

Do you think this is funny?

(Stammers)

Good night.

You people are sinners!

You should have thought
of that 19 years ago,

before you stopped my mom
from going into that clinic.

Have a blessed day.

Fastest ever.

♪ Hallelujah ♪

- ♪ (Marching band playing) ♪
- People chattering)

(Sobbing)

Even Jesus had to eat.

Don't.

It was a bad date.

Well, it was supposed to be
a nice night out.

You know, my last boyfriend
never took me anywhere.

Ever.

He'd text me late at night
to come hang out at his place,

like he was ashamed to be
seen with me in public.

Please don't cry.
Wait a second. Please?

No, and I'd make excuses
for him, you know?

He's not using me, I'm using him.

And I'm in total control--

total control, and
it's not that serious.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

But when that phone rang,
my heart leapt,

- and I was there.
- Totally.

And now I finally get the chance

to go out on a real date,
and it's with you.

- I know. That sucks.
- (Scoffs)

No, you suck.

I do. I...
I do suck.

I suck.

You must be hungry.
Let's go eat.

Okay?

My senior year, um...

Take this girl on a date.

- Horrible. Date from hell.
- (Chuckles)

About a week later,
this frat boy comes up,

and he says to me,

"Only you could make me look good."

(Both chuckle)

All right? I laughed...

Until one of his buddies

then came to me and was like,

"Can you help me with my ex?"

- Tank was born.
- Yeah.

- Yeah, really.
- Mm-hm.

(Men chattering indistinctly)

(Sighs)

I'm sorry.

I understand.

But...

Do you enjoy it?

I'm good at it.
I'm good at being an asshole.

- Mm-hm.
- It's what I do.

(Chuckles)

You're like the anti-Cupid.

More like the Antichrist.

Mm. Sorry.

(Both chuckle)

Sorry.

It's all right.

- You know, in a cruel, twisted way...
- Mm-hm.

you give couples a second chance.

You're a closet romantic.

I don't know about that.

Heh-heh. You are.

You know you have to confront
this girl, Alexis.

Can't.

I can't.

If you don't do this,

she will never take you seriously.

You need to march up there
and tell her how you feel.

Alexis.

Alexis, it's Tank.

Yeah.

(Groans)

Uh, I-- I'm just gonna say this.
I'm gonna say it.

If you value this us, uh, we,

then you will let me take you
on a-- a proper date.

- In public.
- It's 2 AM In the morning.

Can we do the proper date another time?

Tomorrow.

- Yes.
- Proper date. In public.

- (Laughs)
- Get some--

- Good night.
- Good night.

Nice shirt.

Oh.

Alexis: Oh, you've gotta
be kidding me.

Mm-mm.

(Both chuckle)

This is for you.
Have to have a corsage.

- Oh, my God.
- Here you go.

You gotta be kidding me.

No, I'm not.

(Engine starts)

I never went to prom.

I remember.

Oh, yeah. That's right.

(Alexis chuckles)

- (People laughing, chattering)
- Oh.

Uh, she's got a shank.

You might wanna actually
focus on her.

- They're with me, okay?
- My purse.

Uh, Alexis, this is Hilary,
our chaperon.

- Hi. Nice to meet you.
- Hi.

♪ (The Kooks' "Always Where
I Need To Be" playing) ♪

(Mouths) Thank you.

You two kids have fun.

♪ Now I see her again ♪

♪ I asked her-- ♪

I'm having fun.

Let's set the stage here.
Um, you're 17 years old.

So as you make the mistake

of heading out onto the dance floor,

Fine, young chap stops you
along the way...

strikingly handsome. Some would say
ruggedly good-looking.

He stops you and says,
"Excuse me,

would you care to dance?"

Don't tell me you dance.

Me?

Never.

♪ (Nena's "99 Luftballoons
[99 Red Balloons]" playing) ♪

Oh, my God.

(Both chuckle)

- Oh, my God.
- That's it.

That's all I've got, really.

Whoo!

(Chuckling)

No way.

Wow.

For you.

(Laughs)

- Let's go.
- No, I can't--

You're making this embarrassing-
myself-to-be-cute thing

really, really difficult.

Look at this.
Check it out.

Oh. Did you see that little move?

I saw it. I wanna see more over here.

Come on.

♪ Ninety-nine decision street ♪

♪ Ninety-nine ministers meet ♪

♪ To worry, worry, super-scurry ♪

♪ Call the troops out in a hurry ♪

I got caught up.

♪ This is what we've waited for
This is it, boys, this is war ♪

♪ The president is on the line ♪

♪ As 99 red balloons go by ♪

(Chuckling)

(Inaudible dialogue)

(People laughing)

♪ Ninety-nine dreams I have had ♪

- Hi.
- Hey.

♪ In every one a red balloon ♪

♪ It's all over and I'm standing pretty ♪

♪ In this dust that was a city ♪

♪ If I could find a souvenir ♪

♪ Just to prove the world was here ♪

♪ And here is a red balloon ♪

♪ I think of you and let it go ♪

Tank: Hey.

♪ (Duffy’s "Mercy" playing) ♪

Fun, huh?

Yep.

You know you could have any
girl out there, right?

- Thanks.
- Right.

Hey, dude. Look at me.

Look at this.

It's not about what
you look like, man.

It's right here, okay?

It's attitude.
It's how you look at 'em.

Pretend you don't give a shit,

they will be on you like acne.

Guaranteed or your money back.

Student: So, then, like,

why you been such a kiss-ass
to your girl all night?

Pulling out chairs and
throwing out compliments.

I'm on a different... plan.

You're on a--
what you-- what I--

(High-pitched) "Can I wipe
your ass, baby? Hm? It's--"

Tank: I was trying to help you,
but, um,

fuck you.

Okay, now, fuck you, you hypocrite.

"Hey nerd, let me give you
some condescending advice."

Be cruel to women?

Fat, pathetic, sad dork.

Man: Old man at a prom.

Husky bitch.

♪ ("crimson and clover" playing) ♪

Don't get ahead of yourself here,

and I'm just curious,
but are you seeing anybody?

No.

- No? Hm.
- Mm-mm.

Are you?

No.

What about, uh, that awkward night
with that guy?

You still--?
You still call him?

He kind of disappeared.

I haven't heard from him
since he quit his job.

Oh, maybe you could call him.
You know?

See how he's holding up
kind of thing.

- What?
- Or don't.

It's-- it's your choice.
I mean, I'm just saying--

No, I know. It's sweet.
Polite.

♪ Now, I been waitin' to show her ♪

Even if it is a part
of your whole show

that you got going on tonight.

You're pulling out all the stops.

(Chuckles)

Sweet Tank.
Sweet Tank is way into me.

♪ Over and over ♪

You know what, though?
You're right. I should call him.

I should call him.

(Both moaning)

I think I'll say good night.

- Yes, I will be going.
- Wait, what?

Good night.

(Alexis laughs)

I got what I wanted.
A real first date.

Although this may be the worst
possible time to admit it,

I'm not good at the no-sex thing.

So I'll see you later.

Hey, if you insist on celibacy,

do you think we can have

our second official date on July 7th?

Because my sister is getting married.

And... it would be great...

If you'd come with me.

Yes. I can do that.

But I'm gonna walk away
right now, 'cause...

you're missing out.

(Chuckles)

After a while, crocodile.

You know, it was really cool
of you to call, Alexis.

Lunch, uh, wedding errands.
Just like old times, huh? Heh.

I haven't seen you since I took
my leave of absence from work.

Alexis: Yeah, I heard you quit.

Oh, no, no, no.
I-I just, um--

I took a sabbatical.
A sabbatical.

You know, I just wanted to do
some soul-searching.

(Sighs) Wow.

Alexis: My sister picked it out.

Well, you should thank her.

The whole world should thank her.

Well, you're welcome.

Speaking of the devil.
Oh, my gosh.

I love it.
I love it so much.

This is my friend, Dustin.
This is my sister, Rachel.

- Oh, hi.
- Hi. No. Get over here.

What? Ha-ha. Congratulations.

Alexis will not shut up
about you, the wedding--

That was really smart.
That was so smart, yeah.

- See, I-- I brought mine too. Hi.
- Hi.

It's really the only opinion

- that means anything these days.
- Oh, hi.

Oh, my gosh. You have
to see my dress.

Great. (Shrieks)

(Both giggle)

- Yeah, I did it when--
- Alexis, I'm sorry.

I'm the, uh, I'm the
dress-shopping gay pal?

I just think that now's not
the time to set her straight.

She's a little crazy, she's manic.
It's her wedding.

I get that we're in, uh,
you know, slow-down mode,

but I'm-- I'm not gonna,
like, meet your parents

under the pretext of the gay friend.

I mean, that's ridic--

What? No, I don't mean
"Meet Your Parents" meet your parents.

I just mean at the wedding.

I'm sure I'll casually
bump into them--

That's-- what?
I'm sorry. Excuse me one second.

- Dustin, you need to--
- Dustin: What?

Yeah, what? What is it? What?

Is something wrong? (Sighs)

Do you not want me to come?

You've got it all--

You--? You--? Wrong. I--

You don't--
you don't want me to--

Yeah, no. Uh, no.

Totally. You know what? Sorry.
Dustin, I have to--

That was presumptuous.

Promise me you won't be upset

if I tell you something.

Yeah. What?

I'm seeing somebody.

And, um...

so I asked him

to come with me to the wedding.

- You're-- you're upset.
- No. What?

(Stammers) Upset? No.

Why would I be upset?

Come on. That's crazy.

Like I'm a guy that gets upset.

Come on.
More like happy.

You know? I'm happy that, uh--
that, you know.

- That you found someone special.
- It still feels a little short.

I still maybe think
that if you put the--

- So, dish.
- I just wanna make sure my--

- Who is he?
- My foot, actually.

Yeah. I think that's too much shoe.

"Man-ischewitz," Sherman.
Look at you.

You remind me of me
on my wedding day.

I was one nasty son of a bitch.

Dad, why did mom marry you?

Who makes this tux?
Was it Versace?

- Pop, come on. Fess up. Dad.
- Yeah, but where'd you get this tux?

- The black on black.
- Come on, dad. Really.

Your mother was an incredible woman...

but she had awful judgment.

She was always trying to find
the better man inside me,

and unfortunately, she found him

Inside of her psychotherapist, Janine.

Not good.

You see, I always knew that
your mom was the best

it was ever gonna get for me.

And I never asked the more
important question, which is...

was I the best it was ever
gonna get for her?

(Pats back)

- You're not so bad, pop.
- Mm.

I'm a fraud, Sherman.
Oh, yeah.

And I'm a selfish asshole.

(Sighs)

And so are you.

So I want you to get out there...

and I want you to revel in it.

(Chuckles)

(Pats back)

♪ (Steven Maglio's
"Tender Trap (Love is the)" playing) ♪

(Bells ringing)

♪ You see a pair of laughing eyes ♪

♪ And suddenly you're sighing sighs ♪

- Oh, my God.
- Hi.

- You are hot as a pistol.
- You look so handsome.

- No, you. I am very...
- I'm so impressed with you.

Impressed. You look beautiful.

- Do you like the red lipstick?
- I want to do you right here.

- Yes.
- (Both chuckle)

Okay, I gotta--
I gotta go. But Josh.

My future brother-in-law.

Josh, I want you to meet
my boyfriend, Tank.

Hey. Josh. I'll be your groom

in today's performance of fuck me,
I'm getting married.

Okay, well, I'm gonna
go, um, tame bridezilla.

You want me to come? Lex?

No, I'll look out for him.
All right?

Just breathe for a second,
all right--?

I am breathing.

Now adapt.

- Are we adapting?
- Yeah.

Are we ready to evolve?

You let fly one word
about our arrangement

- I will crush your nuts into butter.
- (Sighs)

Like the kind at the
health-food store,

but not so good for you.

But-- but-- but...

You play ball,

I will plant your flag right next
to mine, all right?

I will make you family.

And believe me, Tank,
you wanna be family.

- Money.
- Jesus Christ.

Like, "money" money.

Like, old money, new money,
fuck-me money, fuck-you money.

Family money. Money.

Okay, yeah.
Josh, you got me all wrong.

No. I know exactly who
you are, all right?

It's Alexis who's got you all wrong.

Let's do what we do, brother.
Hey, Merrilee.

- Brian.
- Now, I've told you, fella.

From here on out, it's strictly
mom and dad.

I'd like to introduce you
to your next son-in-law,

Tank Turner.

This is Alexis' guy.

Oh, I've heard so much about you.

- That's Tank.
- Tank: That is unfortunate.

- Forget it all.
- (All laughing)

- Tank.
- Hi.

(Gasps)

Rachel: Tank Turner is an asshole!

Alexis: Um...

- You brought Satan to my wedding?
- Well, he's changed.

Or he's going to change.
Or he's in the process of changing.

No.

I'm sorry, but that is not enough.

Rachel: Okay, maybe he's this fun
vacation on the dark side--

Rachel, Rachel, Rachel.
I'm falling in love with him.

Rachel: What?

I love him.

(People chattering)

Hey, so--
so many things that I want--

Oh, come here.

- I gotta go. I'm going.
- No.

I'm leaving.

Go.

(Door closes)

Are you the best it's
ever gonna get for her?

♪ (Johnny Cash's
"The Man Comes Around" playing) ♪

Are you?

♪ There's a man going 'round
taking names ♪

♪ And he decides who to free
and who to blame ♪

(Neck cracks)

♪ Everybody won't be treated
all the same ♪

♪ There'll be a golden ladder
reaching down ♪

♪ When the man comes around ♪

♪ The hairs on your arm will stand up ♪

♪ At the terror in each sip
and in each sup ♪

♪ Will you partake of
that last offered cup? ♪

♪ Or disappear into
the potter's ground ♪

♪ When the man comes around ♪

♪ Hear the trumpets,
hear the pipers ♪

♪ One hundred million angels singing ♪

♪ Multitudes are marching
to the big kettle drum ♪

♪ Voices calling, voices crying-- ♪

If anyone here can show just cause

Why these two should not
be joined in marriage,

Let them speak now or forever
hold their peace.

White dress.

(Crowd gasping)

Chick's seen more dick than this guy.

(Scoffs)

"Ridonculous."

- ♪ (Band playing Swing music) ♪
- Boo!

(Chuckles)

I've been wanting to come over here,

because I was reminded of a joke.

(People chattering)

Uh, a Priest and a Rabbi are at a wedding.
(Chuckles) Who knew?

And they see a small boy
bending over to tie his shoe.

So the Priest says to the Rabbi,

"God, I'd really love
to screw that kid."

And then, heh, the Rabbi says,

"Out of what?"

It's a visual thing,

'cause the kid is basically like this.

He's bending over.

All right, dirty Houdini.

You don't know this one.
You gotta try this. Check it out.

While you're giving it to your lady
from behind, okay?

Very important.
You gotta be behind her.

You're gonna start making some
sounds like you're gonna bust, okay?

Then you pull out.
As you pull out,

you let a little dribble of saliva
trickle down, okay,

onto the small of her back.

That way she thinks it's over,
she flips over,

"Good, I can go to sleep." Blam!

Fireman's hose. All over.

(Chuckles) Mm.

I don't get it.

You don't get it?
Here's what you're gonna do.

You're gonna go ask your mom.
Right there. Pound.

- Ready. And wow.
- Ooh.

It's like lifting a coffin.

Oh, Nana. You have a lead vagina.

- (Cell phone ringing)
- Hold on.

Hold on a second.

Hello?

Yeah, I can talk.

♪ hava, motherfucking hav-- ♪

Thought you weren't gonna drink tonight.

Guy can't have a little glass of red

to celebrate the holy
sacrament of marriage?

Wait. Is that Jagermeister I smell?

- Oh. I don't know.
- Wine, huh?

Mm.

- No.
- Don't get into any trouble.

- Don't get into any trouble.
- I'm don't-ing. I'm don't-ing.

♪ (Etta James' "At Last" playing) ♪

Man, on microphone: For their
first dance as a married couple,

I'd like to present to you
Rachel and Josh.

♪ At last ♪

- Hey.
- (Vomits)

- (Screams)
- (Crowd gasps)

♪ My love... ♪

Sorry.

Tank: Can I have this dance?

Not a good time? Okay.

I'm sorry, everybody.

Tank: This is their night.
I'll clean that up.

It's the chicken.

The bride and groom.

(Laughing)

♪ And life is like... ♪

All right, I'm gonna grab these
with my hand. Clean.

I washed 'em after I threw up.

Hi, how are you?

There's a lot of talent
here tonight, okay?

Lookit, lookit that one
right over there.

Check out the lungs on that one.

That's Rachel’s cousin.
She's 15.

My God. She's gonna be a scuba diver
when she grows up.

Not that you don't have some
bad-ass stuff going on.

I'd part you like the Red Sea
and let you call me Moses.

I would open you up like a
public pool on Memorial Day.

Three words...

(Grunts three times)

Let's eat.

- (Sneezes)
- (People gasp)

It's okay. I got the sleeve.
I got it. I caught it.

Usually they come in two's
and three's, so that's--

- (Sneezing)
- Oh.

Cocaine, you know, just
kind of gets me sneezy.

And you, by the way, look lovely.

I just wanted to say a--
a hello to you.

Mm.

All right.

- Boink.
- (Man grunts)

Weddings.

They get me hot and hard.
Know what I'm saying?

What do you got going on?
Boom!

I want that in my fucking mouth.

All right, so I'm asking
you man-to-man,

when's the last time
you shit your pants?

Man: Today.

- You shit your pants today?
- Today.

- I shit my pants yesterday.
- G-- today!

(Both laughing)

Me, today.

Just a little, but not a whole shit.

Hey. Hey, Alexis sent me

to look for you, so let's go.

Let me just take a snapshot
of you in my mind right now.

Gross. Fuck, I can smell you
from here, dude.

How drunk are you right now?

I had massive amounts
of alcohol tonight.

I'm embarrassed,
but I'm sobering up now,

and I feel better.
Having a little chit-chat.

With my friend.

Taking a breather. Breathing.

Fucking goddamn it!

What do you call that shit, AJ?

Afghani-kush kryptonite.

Kryptonite. Killed Superman.
I'm just a man.

You really are, like,

a super-special kind of asshole,
aren't you?

Ride the special-kind-of-asshole
bus to school.

- Do you really?
- I'm all right. Okay.

Got one more bite.

What are you doing?

Alexis is gonna freak out

when she sees this!

- No, she won't.
- Yeah. Yeah!

She's understanding.

Oh, my God, dude.

She's never gonna forgive you
for this.

All right. I'm coming.
I'm coming.

What a day.

Yeah.

- May I, uh, partake?
- Oh.

My daughter...

got married today.

Wonderful.

Oh, God, I feel old.

I bet back in the day...

You were one hot slice
of fuckberry pie.

You bet your sweet ass I was.

(Both laughing)

Hey. Love your shoes.

(Sighs)

So. Are we gonna do this or what?

(Gasps)

Come on. It's not gonna
suck itself, mama.

- Oh, my God.
- (People gasping)

Man: Who is this guy?

Rachel: And he's ruining
my entire wedding.

He ruined my dance.
My-- my actual dance.

No, it's ruined, and--
why did you bring him here?

- (Speaking inaudibly)
- It's disgusting.

- (Speaking inaudibly)
- I don't know why.

Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.

- Are you kidding me?
- He really--?

(Speaking inaudibly)

♪ (Swing music playing) ♪

I got a bass-ackward way
of showing it,

But I care about you
more than you know.

Tank. Tank!

How could you!?

My ex, Sarah. Cunt.

Oh, no. You're not gonna
walk away from me right now.

You're gonna talk to me.
This is insane.

Who is that person, huh?!
Who's that guy?!

This is me.
I'm an asshole.

You had your chance
with the good guy,

and you threw it away.

- Who?
- Dustin.

You have... no right to tell me--

Hey, Dustin. Dustin's here.

Du-- Dustin?

(Speaks indistinctly)

Dustin? Be careful.

Tank!

(Speaks indistinctly)

(Band stops playing,
crowd chattering)

(Cymbal crashes, feedback blares)

Dustin: It's time you all
knew the truth.

Would you stop? If I go down,
you're coming with me, okay?

Okay? So, um, I'm sure every--

(Crowd gasps)

Don't touch. Ah.

I would like to share a little something
with you about Mr. Tank Turner here.

Surely by now he's charmed his way
into your hearts-- stop.

He's charmed his way
into your hearts,

but I've got-- I've got
something to tell you.

Tank Turner is a fraud.

Okay? Why don't you take
a walk with me, Tank?

- Hey! Come with me, okay?
- Rachel: Dustin.

Would you guys like to know
what this man--? Excuse me.

- What this man does as a hobby?
- Stop.

- You stop! You stop! Okay?
- Please!

Hold on.
Guys, I'm sorry.

Let's say, um...
for example...

I get dumped by my girl.

And I want to pay him
to go out with her...

Oh, boy.

Terrorize her, and have her come

Screaming back into my arms.

So your Mr. Perfect--

Your Mr. Perfect is actually

Mr. Asshole-dickhead-shitface guy, okay?

(Groans)

Alexis, I-- I, um--

I loved you so much.

I did. And I just--
I couldn't bear

to lose you, and...

so I made a deal with the devil.

That's what I did.
Which is p-- pathetic.

I'm a pathetic fool.
Yeah, okay.

But-- but what does that make him?

Okay, stop. Stop it.

Just tell me this isn't true.

Ask him.

(Crowd gasping)

- Baby, I'm sorry--
- Oh, you make me sick.

- Ask him.
- I hate you.

Ask him.

I'm gonna kill you!

I'm gonna kill you!

I work on referrals.

Okay.

You're honestly gonna tell me...

that you and I, that's nothing?

That's nothing?

I'm just a job?

I need you to tell me.

Tank, tell me right now
that I'm just a job.

Tell me to my face--

You're just a job!

Just a job.

I never wanna see you again.

Yeah.

Ami: Alexis. Alexis.

I'm gonna kill you!

(Crowd gasps)

All right.

(Horn honks)

(Sighs)

♪ (John Hiatt's "Have a Little
Faith in Me" playing) ♪

♪ When the road ♪

Motherfucker.

♪ Gets dark ♪

♪ And you can no longer see ♪

♪ Just let my love throw a spark ♪

(Cell phone beeps)

♪ And have a little faith in me... ♪

(Number auto-dialing)

Woman, on machine:
You have one new message.

(Machine beeps)

Tank, on recording:
Dust, you were right.

Alexis is an angel, and
she deserves the best.

And that's you. So I'm sorry
it took so long,

But I finally did what
you hired me to do.

I got a bass-ackward way
of showing it,

but I care about you
more than you know.

Alexis, on recording:
Tank. Tank! How could you?

"My ex, Sarah. Cunt."

♪ Time is a friend ♪

♪ 'Cause for us there is no end ♪

♪ And all you gotta do
is have a little faith in me ♪

Did you love her?

Do you love her?
That's all I wanna know.

I don't even know what that means.

Yeah. Well, apparently, neither do I.

All I know is that me and her
ends up with her hurt.

It's inevitable.

Turners and women.
Right, pop?

Yeah.

You know, I banged a lot
of women, Sherman.

I've been banging beautiful women
since back in the day

when you were laminating pictures

of 'em in the bathroom.

So yeah, that's me.

That's... this guy.
But that ain't you.

No.

Last night you proved something

that I have long feared.

And that is, you may just
take after your mother.

Yeah, I can't believe

you actually tried to
give Alexis up for me.

I know, dude.

- That's pretty fucked up, right?
- Yeah.

I mean, if that's not love...

Yeah, I'm sorry, man.

I'm sorry. I'm the guy who...

You were my best friend.

I still am.

You guys gonna make out now, huh?

Go ahead, stick your tongue
in his mouth.

That'll really clear the air.

How about a--?

(Chuckling)

Look, I know I kind of lost it
there for a while,

but now I'm seeing things clearly.

You need to get her back.

(Exhales)

- But I don't deserve her.
- No, you d-- Tank.

If you were willing
to give her up,

Trust me, you deserve her.

That's fucked up.
But you're right.

(Chuckles)

She's my angel,
and it's time she knew.

Yes. So, what's stopping you?

I propositioned her mother
for a blowjob.

(Laughs)

Man. That is great.

That is so great. Yes.

Tank: Alexis! Alexis, wait.

♪ (Sweet's "Love is Like Oxygen" playing) ♪

Alexis.

Just hear me out, all right?
Listen.

Nope. Nope. Nope.

I did it for you.

I pushed you away because I thought
I didn't deserve you.

- You don't.
- So I made a mistake.

- Many.
- I know.

- I will never do better than you.
- I know.

- I need you in my life.
- I know.

- And I wanna apologize.
- I don't want it.

Good. Because it's not for you.

I wanna apologize to myself.

I'm sorry, Tank, that
you blew it with Alexis.

But you did.

Yes. Because I thought
that you deserved

someone better than me, but...

When I'm with you,

it's like I'm better than me.

You're the only person

that could ever make me do cardio,

and I hate cardio.

I wanna faint,
I want a cigarette,

and I have a massive cramp,

But I would run a marathon for you.

♪ Always comes before a fall... ♪

Okay.

Ah, fuck me.

You ruined my sister's wedding.

But I saved her life.

That guy was a fucking fuckface.

You curse incessantly.

I will never swear again.

Fuck. Last one.

My parents hate you.

Well, they'll come around.

Except your mother.

And your dad.

Your job is a joke.

A joke? I sell air.

I do the impossible every day.

Have you ever even read a book?

- The Giving Tree.
- And?

Among others. Countless others.

- Tank.
- I'll join a book club.

♪ Love is like oxygen... ♪

What's the matter?

You can't keep up?

Alexis: You are not passionate
about anything.

Tank: Except you.
I'm passionate about you.

As evidence, consider the fact

that I've been running

for two goddamn hours.

I need to stop and rest.

Alexis: You sabotage dates.
You're a professional asshole.

- That's what you do.
- No. It's what I did.

Tank. I just don't think
you're the one.

Not yet. But I'll get there.

Ha-ha. (Groans)

(Panting)

You okay?

Heh.

(Piano music playing,
people chattering)

Without air, we cannot live.

Hm. (Chuckles)

I really think those words
resonate with people,

because...

They're really true, you know?

(Chuckles)

What?

I thought--

Thought that was a joke.

It wasn't. What are
you talking about?

Nothing.

Air? Because I don't really think

there's anything funny about air.

It's kind of too important.

Mm-hm.

♪ (Linda Ronstadt's
"You're No Good" playing) ♪

♪ You're no good, you're no good,
you're no good ♪

- Asshole.
- (People gasp)

♪ You're no good ♪

- Hi.
- Hi.

- I'm Alexis.
- Hi.

Do you wanna know what
this guy did to me?

He humiliated me.
He embarrassed me.

- He literally--
- Alexis.

I'm having a conversation!

I'm having a conversation.

It's with her, it's not with you.

What this guy did to me
makes me sick every day.

Physically ill.

But is that, like, lovesickness
or, like, hate sickness?

- No, it's like morning sickness.
- What?

Yeah, I'm pregnant. Okay?
So I'm sorry.

Makes me a little emotional.

You're pregnant?

Yes, I'm fucking pregnant!

I probably should go.

But h-how? I-it's--

How do you think?

That's right, everybody.

This...

asshole got me pregnant.

I definitely think I should go.

Okay, I didn't know.
I didn't know.

You think that's bad...

You should hear what
this guy did to my sister.

Alexis, I've apologized
a million times.

- He got her pregnant too.
- (Crowd gasps)

So there's two of us having
a baby together, abou--

about three and a half weeks apart.

Well, it was dark, I was drunk,
and I thought it was you.

Right?

I'm gonna go now.
It was nice meeting you.

Yeah. Nice to meet you too.

What's going on here?

Oh. Oh, I'm just saving another girl

from the worst sex she'll
ever have in her life.

(Woman laughing)

Well, your mother never complained.

(Crowd gasps)

You wanna know why I didn't
return your e-mails?

Your pathetic calls?

You are unattractive.
I said it.

Tsk. I'm not attractive.

Well, let's put it this way,

I would kick your ass right now,

but my foot might get sucked in.

Uh-oh.

I'd kick your dick right now,

but my foot might get herpes.

(People tittering)

Well, you know, you can stop
trying to be clever, Alexis.

The funniest thing that'll
ever come out of you is me.

All right, Tank.

You got the best joke here.

And it's in your pants.

♪ (The Cars'
"My Best Friend's Girl" playing) ♪

I hate you.

- I hate you too.
- Oh, baby.

♪ Here she comes again ♪

♪ When she's dancing 'neath
the starry sky ♪

(People applauding, cheering)

♪ She'll make you flip ♪
♪ Here she comes again ♪

♪ When she's dancing 'neath
the starry sky ♪

♪ I kind of like the way she dips ♪

♪ Well, she's my best friend's girl ♪

♪ Well, she's my best friend's girl ♪

♪ She's my best friend's... ♪

M.

S at the bar.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Stay with me.

Stay with me.
Because a bona fide vitamin C

is eye-fucking your shit
as we speak.

D-d-d-d-don't do that.

You just choked harder
than Bill Buckner.

For god's sakes.
That's not cool.

♪ (Jean Knight's "Do Me" playing) ♪

♪ Love me, boy... ♪

(Sighs)

Can I buy you a drink?

♪ Do me, like a nasty man ♪

Fuck it.

♪ This ain't nothing ♪

Wait--
wait, I am...

What?

Okay.

Look, I gotta warn you.

♪ Let me show you what
it's gonna bring ♪

I'm no angel.

♪ Do me, baby ♪

♪ Do me like you wanna ♪

♪ Do me like you wanna ♪

♪ Do me, baby ♪

♪ Do me if you're gonna ♪

- Neither am I.
- ♪ Do me if you're gonna ♪

♪ Pop that thing ♪

♪ Turn it loose ♪

Jesus.

♪ Don't stop now ♪

♪ Or there ain't no use ♪

So...

♪ Do me, baby ♪

♪ Do me like you wanna ♪

♪ Do me like you wanna ♪

♪ Do me... ♪

♪ (The Cars'
"My Best Friend's Girl") ♪

♪ You're always dancing
down the street ♪

♪ With your suede blue eyes ♪

♪ And very new boy that you meet ♪

♪ Doesn't know the real surprise ♪

♪ Here she comes again ♪

♪ When she's dancing 'neath
the starry sky ♪

♪ Ooh, she'll make you flip ♪

♪ Here she comes again ♪

♪ when she's dancing 'neath
the starry sky ♪

♪ I kinda like the way she dips ♪

♪ Well, she's my best friend's girl ♪

♪ well, she's my best friend's girl ♪

♪ But she used to be mine ♪

♪ You got your nuclear boots ♪

♪ And your drip-dry glove ♪

♪ Ooh, when you bite your lip ♪

♪ It's a reaction to
the love-a-ove-a-ove ♪

♪ Here she comes again ♪

♪ When she's dancing 'neath
the starry sky ♪

♪ Yeah, I think you'll flip ♪

♪ Here she comes again ♪

♪ When she's dancing 'neath
the starry sky ♪

♪ Here she comes again ♪

♪ I kinda like the way
like the way she dips ♪

♪ 'Cause she's my best friend's girl ♪

♪ Well, she's my best friend's girl-irl ♪

♪ And she used to be mine ♪

♪ She's so fine ♪

♪ Always dancing down the street ♪

♪ With your suede blue eye-eyes ♪

♪ And every new boy that you meet ♪

♪ Doesn't know the real surprise ♪

♪ Here she comes again ♪

♪ When she's dancing 'neath
the starry sky ♪

♪ Here she comes again ♪

♪ Oh, she'll make you flip ♪

♪ Here she comes again ♪

♪ When she's dancing 'neath
the starry sky ♪

♪ Here she comes again ♪

♪ I kinda like the way
I like the way she dips ♪

♪ 'Cause she's my best friend's girl ♪

♪ She's my best friend's girl-irl-uh-irl ♪

♪ And she used to be mine ♪

♪ She's so fine ♪

♪ Always dancing down the street ♪

♪ With your suede blue eye-eyes ♪

♪ And every new boy that you meet ♪

♪ Doesn't know the real surprise ♪

♪ Here she comes again ♪

♪ When she's dancing 'neath
the starry sky ♪

♪ Here she comes again ♪

♪ Oh, she'll make you flip ♪

♪ Here she comes again ♪

♪ When she's dancing 'neath
the starry sky ♪

♪ Here she comes again ♪

♪ I kinda like the way
I like the way she dips ♪

♪ 'Cause she's my best friend's girl ♪

♪ She's my best friend's girl-irl-uh-irl ♪

♪ And she used to be mine ♪

♪ My best friend's girlfriend ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ My best friend's girlfriend ♪

♪ Said she used to be mine ♪

♪ My best friend's girlfriend ♪

♪ Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ My best friend's girlfriend ♪

♪ She used to be... ♪