My Best Friend's Exorcism (2022) - full transcript

- Hey, Gretchen.
- Abby, I want details.

I need to know what
Brother Morgan was doing to you.

It was a dream, and it was one time,

and I don't even remember.

Yes, you do. Where did he put his tongue?

In the most unholiest of places?

Ew. Stop. Go back to your quiz.

Fine. Hey, this one's written for us.

"Your best friend is leaving town, but
you still have her favorite dress on loan.

Not mention it
and hope she won't notice,

give it back to her?"



"A." Duh.

- Hey!
- Swear my zits breed overnight.

At least your mom lets you wear makeup.

I can't believe you're moving this summer.

It's gonna be fine, Abbs.

We're always gonna be friends.

I'm never gonna say goodbye.

You know that.

You've got Glee and Margaret.

Margaret's such a dick around Wallace.

Oh, she's okay.

Should we just get emancipated now

so you can marry Boy George
and I can live in the guesthouse?

Get serious.



You'd obviously live
in the main house with me.

- Pick you up in ten?
- Love you like a sister.

With the power of God,

I will become
the greatest real estate agent.

I have a positive mindset.

I know how to get the deal done.

I have everything I need

for a prosperous and fulfilling life
right here inside of me.

I can do all things through him,

the Almighty, who gives me strength.

Positive thinking will allow success.

The Lord is always with me.

That is the end of tape three,
"Power Realtors."

You guys are so queer.

Don't be jealous, Margaret,
just 'cause you want my bod.

Ew. Gross, Gretchen.

There's nothing gross about
the sapphic pleasures, Glee.

Just ask Sister Kathleen.

Good morning, Sister Kathleen.

Good morning.

"Your bestie starts spending
all her time with a guy you don't like.

Tell her how you feel
but decide to trust her judgment,

sabotage the relationship?"

- Hey, fuck bae.
- Hey, Wally.

This quiz is supposed to be
about friendship.

Why are all the questions about guys?

Because, as women,
we only exist in relation to men.

Hello.

That's such bullshit.

We have got to defy and deny that.

It's gonna be hot this weekend.

Should we do something?

Who is feeling good about Jesus?

I know you are!

With Jesus at your side and a full set
of dumbbells, anything is possible!

Hey, Dad, can I go to Margaret's
lake house this weekend?

- What's that gonna cost?
- Just gas.

I'll use my yogurt money.

Will Gretchen Lang be there?

Yeah. So?

Just think you could stand
to think for yourself

a little more where Gretchen's concerned.

...this Saturday at 4:30 p.m.

- Where you going?
- Gretchen's.

Her mom's hamburgers don't need any help.

This is like the 12th time
we've rented this tape.

The guy at Movie Mania asked
if I was a satanist.

Be kind, please rewind,
or I'll drink your blood.

I'm ranking...

Wallace Stoney as the horniest.

Did you see,
he has, like, beard hairs now?

Yeah, all five of 'em.

Do I... think for myself?

You don't always say
what you're thinking, but I know.

Like right now you're thinking that
you want to pork Brother Morgan.

Oh, my God.

Oh, Meggie, you make me want
to renounce my celibacy.

But, Ralph, you love God.

Not more than I love you.

We're not gonna be late.

I just want the girls to know
we're heading out.

Yes!

We are off to vespers.

Abby, would you be a dear

and wash your feet
before you put them up on the furniture?

Thanks.

- Be good.
- And no soda before bed.

Bang. Bang.

Woo-hoo! Thank God it's the weekend.

Ugh. Why can't my parents
join a Kool-Aid cult and die already?

At least you're pretty.

Patty Hearst is pretty,
and look what happened to her.

What's over there?

This weird little building
where that girl, Molly Ravenel,

was sacrificed in a satanic ritual.

That's an urban legend.

Place is totally rancid,

but it's, like,
a historical landmark or something.

They can't tear it down.

It's getting late. We should head inside.

Yeah, let's.

I'd do the pizza guy.

All that hair? Gross.

Abby, Twizzler time.

- Can I have one?
- Uh...

- Cold. Colder.
- I'll make you pee.

Ugh. Hey, do your parents get cable here?

- I'm bored.
- Only boring people get bored.

You guys want to talk to some ghosts?

Ouija boards freak me out.

Come on, it'll be fun.

Surely, you can't be serious.

I am serious.

"And don't call me Shirley."

Ooh, we could ask it if Brother Morgan

- will ever do it with Abby.
- Ooh.

Come on, guys.

Don't you want to know
what really happened to Molly Ravenel?

No.

Well, I do.

Put your hands on it, and don't move it.

Fine.

Okay, we're gonna start
with a yes-or-no question.

Is anyone here?

- You're moving it.
- Shh!

No, I'm not.

The board says yes.

Oh, my God.

Tell us your name.

"No."

So who's here?

What do you want?

"Min," "min." "Mini"?

It's the ghost of Minnie Mouse.

What was that?

How should I know?

Well, go look.

- Why me?
- It's your house.

I have a boyfriend.

I have people who would miss me.

Wallace Stoney hardly qualifies
as a reason to live.

Yeah, more like a reason to vaccinate.

Well, look who suddenly decided
to grow a pair.

I have a... pair.

Great. Then you won't mind
checking the closet.

Fine.

Boo.

Oh, my God. You should've seen your faces.

Abby was soiling her Sergio Valentes.

Ew, gross. Really?

- No, not really.
- Really?

- Did I scare you? Did I scare you?
- Get out.

Harvey Wallbangers,
or as I call them, Harvey Will-Bang-Hers.

What are you even doing here, Wallace?

This was supposed to be
a girls' bonding weekend.

Go ahead and bond.

- I'll watch.
- Ew.

- What? Hey.
- Gross.

It's not just me. I brought a cute friend.

Who?

Mr. Owl.

No way.

Is that...

Uh, who wants to get high off their ass?

Righteous.

I don't know, you guys.
That stuff can melt your brain.

I don't want to end up
like Syd Barrett from Pink Floyd.

Yeah, isn't that the guy who thought

he was an orange and peeled himself?

Just say no, ladies.

No. No.

No.

Yes. Yes.

No.

Ew.

Glorious Grape?

It's the best flavor.

Panties off. Time to skinny-dip.

Last one in's a spaz.

Hey.

We do it together.

Anyone Syd-Barretts, we promise
to visit them at Southern Pines.

If I start wigging out,

you promise not to ditch me?

If you see a python
under the water, it's just me, ladies.

You're an idiot.

Are we gonna start tripping soon?
Oh, wait.

I'm seeing tracers.

No, you're not.

Are you?

It's been over an hour, Wallace.

You boned us.

Well, it just takes a while to kick in.

What's up, Abby-Normal?

You scared to get nurky?

I just don't want to mess up my hair.

Would you stop worrying about your makeup?

No one cares that you have
a face full of zits.

- Margaret!
- What?

Abby, I'm sorry.

Why would you be so mean?

Abby, wait up.

I can't stand Margaret sometimes.

And Glee is like a little puppy dog.

She's so into her.

Margaret never thinks before she speaks.

Zits go away eventually.

She's right.

My face looks like a grease pizza.

I'm hideous.

Take that back.

Why? It's true.

Abby, you're beautiful.

No, I'm serious.

You've got these incredible eyes.

Oh, and you have the best smile.

And one day, your skin's gonna clear up.

And then everyone will see
what I already know.

That Abby Rivers is a stone fox.

Come on.

I want to see something.

Hey, Mr. Owl.

Abby, look.

I knew it was back here.

Okay. We've seen it.

Let's go in.

Seriously?

We love scary things.

Come on, Abbs. I'm gone soon.

One more adventure?

I-de-guy lo-de-guv you-de-goo?

I-de-guy lo-de-guv you-de-goo, too-de-goo.

Margaret and Glee will never believe this.

Uh, you sure about this?

It's like it's bigger on the inside.

We should go back.

It's so dark.

Oh, trippy.

Watch this.

How are you doing that?

What was that?

I thought acid was just
supposed to make you see stuff.

Does it make you hear stuff, too?

We both heard it.

Right.

It's probably just Margaret
trying to freak us out again.

Mm.

Come on.

Let's hide and scare her.

Geez. It's freezing.

Smells like something died in here.

What's that over there?

I don't know.

You saw that, right?

Mm-hmm.

Who's there?

Run!

Oh, my knee.

Abby!

Where'd you go?

Please come back.

Gretchen, this way!

Abby, how do I get out of here?

Keep going, Abby.

I'm right behind you.
I'm right behind you.

I'm right here, Abby.

- Gretchen!
- I'm right here, Abby.

I'm right behind you.

Gretchen, come on!

- Let's go!
- Abby, I don't see you.

Gretchen!

Hurry! This way!

Where are you? I can't see you.

I'm right here, Abby.

The door's down here.

Gretchen!

Abby?

Mine.

Abby? Gretchen?

Over here!

Abby, is that you?

There was something in the weird house,

and it was chasing us, and I ran.

Where's Gretchen?

I thought...
I thought she was right behind me.

No, I-I don't know.

She's gone. She's not there.

Um, where's Wallace?

He went home.

Well, we have to go back for her.

Gretchen!

Gretch!

- Gretchen!
- Gretch!

Gretchen!

This way.

I really don't want to go into that place.

It's messed up and supposed to be haunted.

Are you sure she didn't run away, too?

No. She's in there.

- Come on.
- Mm-mm.

- Gretchen.
- Gretchen!

- Gretch!
- Gretchen! -Gretchen!

Ugh. What's that smell?

Gretchen!

We saw something in here.

You guys were just having a bad trip.

What's that? A scarecrow?

I-I thought it moved.

Fucking raccoon.

- Gretchen!
- Gretchen!

- Gretchen!
- Where is she?

Jesus. You scared me.

Where-where were you?

Where were you?

I thought you were right behind me.

Are you okay?

She's tripping balls.

Hey.

It's gonna be okay.

Can we go home now?

Let's give a warm Aberdale welcome to

"The Lemon Brothers
Have Faith & Fitness Show."

Yeah!

Aren't these the lame guys
who play the mall?

It's amazing to be here!

Hi. Howdy.

Hey, thanks for having us.

I'm Micah Lemon,
and these are my brothers.

Jonah!

And Christian!

- Yeah.
- Ha!

And we're here to lift you up to the Lord!

Whoa.

Lunch in the quad later?

But I'm not eating anything.

I've gained two pounds since Friday.

I thought drugs were supposed
to make you lose weight.

Yeah, well, those drugs
didn't make us do anything.

Well, most of us.

When you feel the weight of the world
pressing down on you,

you'll hear a voice inside your head.

Hello?

Who's there?

No, it doesn't mean
you're ready for the funny farm,

because that voice is God,
and he's saying, "Dude, I got this."

Yeah!

- Yeah!
- Yeah!

- Yeah! Ha!
- Yeah!

Earth to Gretchen.

What's up?

Huh?

- Nothing.
- When I'm sweating blood

and I don't think I'm gonna make
the clean and jerk,

- suddenly I'll feel lighter.
- Come on.

That's when I say, "Thank you, God.

Thank you for taking my load!"

Gretch.

Psst.

What?

Are you okay?

Well, don't they?

But that's when
we need to trust in God the most.

Whoa!

With the power of the cross,

anything is possible.

And remember,
sometimes God lets you hit rock bottom...

- I'll take a keychain!
- ...but that's just to show you

that he is the rock at the bottom.

Hey. We got shirts.

Come on, let's go.

Now, who thinks they're strong?

Yeah, you are, Micah. Show 'em!

The Lord is power!

- Yeah!
- Yeah!

You don't look so great, Gretchen.
You may want to eat something.

Maybe you should take
my P, B and J, Gretch.

I'm not hungry.

- Glee-Glee?
- Hello.

You know I'm allergic to peanuts.

You're allergic to penis?

You know, that explains a lot.

Peanuts, you dipstick.

You know what?

I've got an EpiPen,
and I'm not afraid to use it.

Good thing my girl's not.

Ugh. Would you guys stop sucking face?

It's nauseating.

We're nauseating?

Have you looked in a mirror today?

- Wally, I-I told you...
- I don't care if she had a bad trip.

She's being a snatch,
and she smells like dried spit.

You're not fooling anyone

with your PDA, Stoney.

We all know you're packing a micro peanut.

What's your malfunction?

He's a poseur.

He only tells you he loves you
so you'll do him,

and he hits on your friends
behind your back.

Well, at least I'm not
an ice queen virgin bitch!

- Hey, guys, stop it.
- Oh, you...

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God, Gretchen!

This is Lacoste!

Is it true what Nancy Reagan says
about drugs...

That one time can, like,
totally ruin your life?

Why? Are you considering a coke habit?

This girl at school today, like, threw up,

and it got everywhere,
and it was really gross.

And her friend told me that she had
a bad acid trip over the weekend

and that she's been
acting weird ever since.

Stay out of it. You're on scholarship.

Keep your nose clean
and mind your own business.

It's cheap, tastes sweet,
but do not be fooled.

Each one of these contains a dangerously
high amount of alcohol by volume.

Glorious Grape,

Melon Escape,

Cherry Explosion, to name just three.

- Are you guys having flashbacks at all?
- Yeah.

I saw your face on a dog's butt.

It only takes one mistake

to ruin what cannot be repaired.

Be that your reputation,
your family's good name or...

your most valuable gift.

The police call this rape juice.

Brother Morgan.

Hi.

We're going to need some volunteers for...

Glorious Grape.

You should give Brother Morgan
some rape juice.

Stop it.

Stop what?

- Stop it.
- You okay?

Stop touching my fucking neck.

I didn't go near you, freak.

Is there a problem, Miss Lang?

May I be excused?

This is God's time.

You should've gone at home.

You'll just have to hold it.

I'm going to call your parents at once!

Is she okay?

She hasn't been at school,
you know, for...

It's nice of you to stop by,
but we need some family time now.

Gretch!

Gretchen,
get back in the house this instant!

Go, go, go!

Where are you going?!

What's going on, Gretch?

What are you not telling me?

You can't tell anyone.

Swear.

I won't.

You know you can trust me.

Every night, he comes.

Who?

Who comes every night?

Is it... Is it someone we know?

I mean, i-if you just tell me his name,
I could take you to the police.

I can't, I can't, I can't say his name.

No, no, no.

Is it your dad?

It was that night at Margaret's.

He was in that little house in the woods.

Who was in the house?

He held me down.

And now, every night, he comes,

and he sits on my chest,
and I... and I can't move.

And he... and he watches me

and he hurts me,
and I can't change clothes.

Abby, I can't shower.

I can't let him see my skin,

but I can feel him
watching me all the time.

But I can't give him a way in.
Do you understand?

Do you?

It's-it's every night.

What are you doing to yourself?

No.

Just...

I just want it to stop.

I'm afraid.

Of what?

What happens next.

You're gonna be okay.

I'm gonna help you, Gretchen.

You're gonna be okay.

We're gonna figure this out.

So I have something to tell you both,

and it's, um... it's not good.

I swore I wasn't gonna tell anyone, but...

Gretchen was raped.

It was at Margaret Chisholm's house
last weekend.

We... we took LSD.

I kn... I know it's wrong.

But Gretchen and I, uh, went for a walk,

and-and we got separated,

and-and I think there was
someone out there, and, uh...

She's, uh... she's reliving the rape
every night

like-like Vietnam War vets
who have flashbacks, but...

It's all in here.
It's-it's post-traumatic stress.

You...

Y-You... you took drugs?

At-at Larry and Dawn Chisholm's
weekend home?

You girls took illegal drugs?

Did you give her something today, Abby?

Someone attacked your daughter, Mr. Lang!

She got hurt.

I worried that something like this
would happen, but...

but I thought that your friendship
with Gretchen would be good for you.

I-I thought that it would lift you up!

She's-she's my best friend.

I'm just trying to help her.

Please leave.

Why is Miss Lang not telling me this?

Well, um, she doesn't want anyone to know.

But she needs help.

It might interest you to know

that I received a telephone call
this morning

from Grace Lang.

She told me you might try to drag
her daughter's name through the mud.

I'm sure that's not Miss Rivers'...

If I find that you have been
selling narcotics on my campus

or repeating these vile
and baseless allegations

about Miss Lang's maidenhood,

I will pull your scholarship so fast
your head will spin.

You may go.

Glorious Grape?

It's the best flavor.

I'm telling you, Glee, it was Wallace.

He jumped Gretchen that night.

Oh, my God.

I mean, it's probably why
she's been acting so nuts.

But that's crazy. Why would he do that?

It makes so much sense.

He's a total horn dog.

Everybody knows that.

And, I mean, he was with us,

but by the time Gretchen had gone missing,
he had conveniently gone home?

You've seen him, Glee.
He's a total dill weed.

And you're a backstabbing bitch.

You're just jealous I have a boyfriend,

so you want to fuck up
everything good in my life.

Margaret, that-that's not true. I-I...

Never speak to me again.

You're kidding. She didn't.

She totally did.

Wait, and what did he say?

Well, you'll never believe me.

Hey, I-I didn't... I didn't mean...

Did you hear something?

No. Nada.

No one spreads lies about me, bitch.

I wouldn't piss on that crusty cooze
if she was on fire.

You swore you wouldn't tell.

I'm... I'm trying to help you.

Gretch. Gretch.

Please just talk to me.

I'm sorry, okay?

Thanks for giving up
your Saturday morning, everyone.

Today's dry run will ensure
we have a great carnival this year.

The Lord and the Bulldogs thank you.

Who'll work the kissing booth?

Any volunteers?

Oh.

Sorry about last night.

Oh, Gretch. Hi.

The parental units were up
watching Mat lock.

I had to lay low.

Yeah, that's... that's okay.

Is your mouth okay?

Can I get a volunteer
to test the dunking booth?

I'm sorry for acting
like such a wackadoo lately.

I've been figuring some things out.

- I totally understand.
- Dunking booth.

Can anyone help out?

I mean, Gretch,

you guys are moving soon,
and with what happened at the lake...

It was Wallace Stoney, right?
In the woods?

We have to tell,
or he's gonna hurt someone else.

I mean, he hurt me, too.

You saw it.

He's violent, and he needs to be stopped.

Gretch, did you... did you hear
what I said about Wallace?

Hey. We'll be your guinea pigs.

You sure? The water's pretty cold.

Well, someone has to.

Okay.

All right, go ahead
and cut off the faucet.

You know, uh...

uh, I've been feeling pretty sick,
so I probably shouldn't get wet.

I don't want to.

Here's your chance.

For what?

Flirt with him.

I'm not actually gonna dunk you.

I don't want to get wet.

Duh.

I'll miss.

So...

how you doing this fine morning,
Brother Morgan?

It's a great day for a good cause.

Isn't it?

And Abby here is just
the most giving girl I know.

Uh...

I tell you what.

Step right up, folks.

Time to dunk for the Dogs.

And let's make this interesting.

If I miss, then I have to donate
20 bucks to the Bulldogs,

but if I hit, you all have to pay.

- I'd pay to dunk that chunk.
- Me, too.

It's for charity.

Come on, people!

You getting up there or what, Abby-Normal?

Yeah, I'm in for a couple.

Please just miss, okay?

You know you can trust me.

No, there's no way...

Do it, Abby.

Look. She's doing it.

Abby! Abby!

Abby! Abby! Abby!

Abby! Abby!

Abby! Abby! Abby!

Abby! Abby!

Abby! Abby! Abby! Abby!

Abby! Abby! Abby!

Abby! Abby! Abby! Abby!

Abby! Abby!

Abby! Abby! Abby!

Here, let me help you.

Oh, look at her makeup.

Oh, my gosh, that was crazy.

Look at her!

I can't-can't believe I hit it.

I never hit what I'm aiming at.

Here, I've got a...

I'm not sure this is enough.

Aw.

Thanks, Brother M.

You're so sweet.

No wonder Abby thinks of you
while she rubs her nub.

There you are.

Oh, my gosh, that was so funny.

Funny?

You thought that was funny?

Oh, quit being such a drama queen.

You know what, Gretchen? Fuck you.

Whoa.

- Potty mouth.
- You know exactly what you did.

And you know exactly why it matters.

We're over.

Get away from me.

She hates you.

I'm sorry for what I did.

Everyone hates you.

But it wasn't my fault.

Oh, yeah,
'cause nothing is ever your fault.

I'm sick of it.

She'll never speak to you again.

Please don't leave me alone.

I'm sick of you talking crazy

and blaming all your bull crap
on everybody else!

It wasn't your parents who just dunked me.

It wasn't Wallace or Margaret
who just ruined my makeup

and told Brother Morgan
that I think about him when...

That was one time,
and I should have never told you!

I was the one person
who was trying to help you.

- Goodbye, Gretchen.
- Loser.

Rot in your crazy, for all I care.

You're all alone.

Can you turn that off?

What set it off?

I don't know.

Six, six, five, seven. Right?

Mine.

- Jesus Christ.
- Honey!

Gretch?

You okay, sweetie?

Sorry about the alarm.
Not sure what that was.

I'm fine.

Okay.

Night.

Don't stay up too late.

You're looking better.

What do you care?

Okay, folks. Today's the day
you've all been waiting for.

All I did was care.

Everyone,
make sure you got your goggles...

If you cared, you would've stood by me.

It's my favorite date
on the science calendar.

Now it's too late.

Fetal pig dissection day.

Follow along as I make the first cut.

What do you mean?

Too late for what?

Let's start
with an incision at the sternum.

Mine's alive!

It... it moved.

Oh, you guys, check out this note
that someone left in my locker.

"My blood runs hot when you are near.

I may act cold, but that's just fear."

Ooh.

Glee's got a secret admirer.

Maybe it's forbidden love.

Oh. Hey, Wally.

Could you give me a ride
to school tomorrow?

My parents don't want me riding
in Abby's death trap anymore.

I just...

...feel so safe in your Beemer.

I can give you a ride anytime.

Wallace.

Oh, damn, G-Meister.

What do you weigh, like 90?

I could put you on my jock
and spin you like a fucking top.

My gosh.

- Don't be disgusting.
- Yeah.

Don't be disgusting.

- She fell on me.
- Serious?

What's that nastiness?

It's a diet shake from France.

They give you, like, no appetite.

The FDA totally won't approve it,
but I steal them from my mom.

Diet shake?

Can I try?

Mm. Vanilla.

It's not totally rank.

Do you have more?

Duh. Cases.

You can finish that.

Thanks.

Abby, what's going on?

It was just a bad dream.

Ugh. You scared the shit out of me.

So, are Gretchen and Wallace,
like, a-a thing now?

Whatever. I don't care.

I know we're not, like, awesome,
but, uh...

I still care about you as a friend.

Gay.

Do you think you're taking
the milkshake thing too far?

Sit and spin, Abby.

I'm finally losing weight
for the first time in my life.

I hate to admit it, but Abby's right.

Margaret's crying out for attention.

Maybe if she knew
that she was truly loved,

she'd stop starving herself, you know?

If she did leave you that note,
it's a shame she couldn't say it herself.

Sad.

You don't need to lose weight.

I think you're beautiful at any size.

Glee, chill.

I just can't stand to watch you
hurting yourself.

I love you.

And I know that you love me, too.

Yeah. Like a friend.

Come on, Margaret. Last summer, and now...

the note.

You think that was from me?

I'm not a dyke.

But I guess now we know you are.

Are you okay?

Brought you a cheer-me-up brownie.

Thanks.

I know what it's like.

Hiding what's really going on inside.

Worrying about what people might think.

But I'm here.

Okay?

I'm gonna help.

Where-where'd you get this brownie?

I brought it from home.

It was left over in my-my lunch. Why?

Were there any nuts in it?

I don't know.

I... need my...

Huh?

Oh. Your EpiPen?

Glee?

Let's play a little game.

What?

It's... it's in here somewhere.

Gretchen, please.

Cold.

Colder.

Glee! Glee!

Get up, lesbo.

You're cold as fuck!

Help me, God.

Oh, you want God's help now?

God hates gays. Don't you know that?

Glee!

- She just crawled out of the bathroom.
- Glee! Glee!

- The paramedics are here.
- Nuts. She-she must have eaten nuts.

Is she breathing?

Margaret?

Abby?

Is Glee gonna be okay?

I think so.

She's, um, critical but stable.

It's all my fault.

I shouldn't have laughed.

It isn't funny.

God, I'm such a bitch.

It's not all your fault.

I mean, I think Gretchen wrote
that love letter, and...

I think she's trying to get you
to starve yourself to death.

Uh, I brought Frusen Glädjé.

And spoons.

No more diet shakes.

I haven't even had one since Thursday.

I'm just not hungry.

My parents...

they think I'm doing it
to get attention, but...

but I can't even think about food
without wanting to gag.

It's a mental thing.

Like mind control that just takes over.

You can beat it.

Just-just try a tiny bite.

Okay?

Let me just... smell it first.

I-I told you I can't eat.

Move it.

The-the smell.

You okay?

I'm not anorexic, Abby.

I-I just can't eat.
It's like someone poisoned me.

Ow. My stomach.

It-it hurts.

Uh...

Is your stomach okay?

Oh, my God. Margaret!

Someone, help! Help!

Taenia saginata.

It's not French. They're tapeworm eggs.

Oh, my God.

The doctor said people drink these
to lose weight, but...

you're only supposed to have
like half a packet.

Anything more is really dangerous.

Is she gonna be okay?

They're still pulling them out.

"Them"?

The first one was 11 feet long.

You've got to stop her.

- Hey.
- Jesus!

Uh, uh, you're the...
you're the Lemon Brothers, right?

Uh, y-you played my school a couple
weeks ago... Aberdale Academy.

Yeah, we play a lot of high schools.

Um, you saw this girl in the crowd,
and you looked like you'd seen a ghost.

Well, not a ghost exactly.

Hey. What's the holdup?

I have the gift of discernment, all right?

That chick a friend of yours?

You've got the gift of walking home
if you're not in the van in five.

Wait, wh-what... I mean, what do I do?
How do I make it stop?

Do you like yogurt?

Uh, so, um...

Mm.

Mm.

Mm.

Mm, this is good.

Okay. Now...

Your friend, did she get sick?

Real sick, like, physically?

She get all grotesque and gnarly?

- Uh-huh.
- Mm, uh-huh.

She say depressing things? Hmm?

She maybe try and hurt herself?

But then she got better, right?

Better than before.

She looks copacetic, but up here,
she's freaking cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.

Am I right?

Uh, I-I guess that's one way to put it.

Mm-hmm. She been committing sins?

Huh? Grouchy?

PMS-ing all the time?

Sorry, do you know what that means?

I'm 16.

Oh, rad. Sorry.

Um, but, uh, yes, yes and-and yes.

Okay.

Did her eyes turn black like a shark's?

Her eyes seemed fine.

Right on.

Well...
even without the eyes,

dollars to doughnuts,
it's demonic possession.

Don't stress.

It's actually a lot more common
than people think.

- It is?
- If I'm lying, I'm dying.

No, but we play a lot of high schools,

and, uh, I'd say there's
just about one in every class.

A missive of Satan
has taken her as his host.

Okay, he's in control now,

and if no one stops him,
your friend will be gone for good.

Well, she's hurting all of her friends.

Our friends.

Yeah, well, the demon's trying to isolate
her so he can take full possession.

Sounds like you're
the last line of defense.

It's only a matter of time
before they come for you, too.

So, what do I do?

She needs an exorcism.

Okay, so, um... so you mean, like, uh...

Yeah. What-what do you mean?

I mean there's, like, a demon inside her
and he needs to be taken out.

Uh-huh.

Um, have you... have you done
one of those before?

Yeah. No.

Well, not personally, but, um,

my brothers have lots of times,
and I was there, so...

So, uh... so maybe I should talk to them.

Wait, I-look, look, listen.
I-I've got the sight, too, okay?

I'm ready.

Look, uh...

when I was seven,
our mom died in a car crash.

I knew before everybody else,
'cause I saw her.

She came to me...
You know, not my brothers; me...

And she told me she was okay
and that she loved us

and that she would see us,
you know, on the other side.

So you'll do it?

Look, I've seen the demon
inside your friend.

I mean, this is not gonna be
your run-of-the-mill puke and rebuke.

So... you got to help me save her.

Please?

I can get you, like,
ten yogurt punch cards.

We need somewhere quiet, all right?

Private, preferably remote.

It can get really noisy.

No hotels. Guests get the wrong idea.

- You know anywhere like that?
- I think so.

Uh, how-how long do we have?

Could be days, could be hours.

- What?
- Got to be tonight.

She's never gonna go. Not voluntarily.

That's why we're not
gonna give her a choice.

Up top.

You can do it.

All right, Gabby.

- It's Abby.
- Really?

With an "A." Yeah.

Okay.

First things first,
we got to get her alone.

No problem.
Gretchen's parents will be at vespers,

- so that's taken care of.
- Great.

Then we just need to give her
a little extra something in her drink.

Huh? Here, take this.

Got it. I know just where to put it.

- Perfect. Up top.
- Really?

Come on, up top.

Shit. Shit.

Hello?

Come on, come on. Open, open.

Oh, please, come on. Open.

You really are obsessed with me,
aren't you?

Gretchen.

Please.

"Gretchen, please."

You're the one who broke into
my fucking house.

I know who you are.

I know what you're doing to my friend.

You don't know shit, you stupid girl.

Whew.

Thirsty work.

Now...

Oh.

You bitch.

You sure you know what you're doing?

Oh.

T-Totally.

What was in that?

She dropped like a rock.

Yeah, weight lifters use it all the time,
but take too much, it really...

really knocks you on your ass.

Well...

All right.

Whoa. Heavy.

Got to be the demon. Whew.

'Cause I could pick up
a 17-year-old, no problem.

Shit, dude. Keys are under the mat.

Oh, rad. Sorry.

Classy place.

Promise she won't get hurt?

It's up to her.

This is so exciting!

If Mama could just see me now.

I'll be back.

Perimeter secure.

Hey, have there been
a lot of owls around here lately?

Mm-hmm.

Yeah. Mm-hmm.

Yeah, they sense their master's near.

Look, I'm gonna get the demon
to reveal himself.

Okay, but it might take
a little bit of time,

so I just need you to trust me, check?

Check?

- Check.
- Okay.

Uh... Oh, and when he does...
And this is critical, okay?

Do not engage with the demon.

D-Do not speak to the demon.

Do not acknowledge the demon in any way.

You got that?

Got it.

'Cause he's all that is evil,
and he can only be defeated by...

all that is good.

Um, you got to walk into the arena
of diabolic battle

armed with nothing but love, faith
and the power of Jesus Christ.

You're baptized, right?

I'm Jewish.

Abby!

Abby, are you here?

Why am I tied up?

Oh, right.

First place they go for.

Saint Michael the Archangel...

- What the hell? This isn't funny!
- ...defend us in battle.

Be our protection against
the wickedness and snares of the devil.

- May God rebuke him, we humbly pray.
- Who's this weirdo?

Our Father, who art in heaven...

Hello, Abby!

Is this some kind of joke?

...forever and ever, amen.

You're scaring me.

I command you, unclean spirit,
along with all your minions...

If we leave right now,
I won't tell anyone this happened.

I command you, unclean spirit,
tell me your name!

Abby, seriously,
do you know how much trouble

you're gonna be in for this?

With the power of
my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ,

I command you to tell me your name, demon!

Wait, wait, wait.

Holy balls.

I just realized what you guys are doing.

You think I'm possessed.

I command you, unclean spirit,
tell me your name.

Mr. Fart Face. That's my name.

Demon, I command you,
unclean spirit, tell me...

- Andras.
- What?

Andras.

Its name's Andras.

Hey! Let me go!

What'd I tell you?
What's the one thing I told you not to do?

She was lying to us.

- I said do not talk to the demon.
- I didn't talk to the demon.

You said his name.
I mean, where'd you hear that name?

It was in her Trapper Keeper.

Are you sure that was the name?

Yeah.

Is that, like, a really bad one?

Shit!

It's critical that I show this demon
who's top dog.

By getting it to reveal its name, okay,
I bend it toward my will.

It's called harnessing the demon,
and, um...

...it's extremely important.

Okay?

Sorry.

Everything Copacabana between you two?

Wouldn't want to ruin
your hot exorcism date.

In the name of Jesus, I remove you!

- What the... Are you kidding me right now?
- Spirt of discord and disharmony,

I send you to the cross!

Motherfucker, that hurt!

- Stop! Abby, stop him!
- Wait.

Stop. I-I think you're hurting her.

It is right to mortify the flesh
of the demoniac to draw out the demon.

This is kidnapping and torture!

This is some America's Most Wanted shit!

- Stop!
- Tell me your name, demon.

- Stop it!
- Truth to God, tell me your name!

Be right back. I'm empty.

Abby, Abby, Abby.

Abby.

Abby, I'm sorry, okay?

The acid really messed me up for a while,

and I was... I was sick of Margaret
bossing everyone around.

Weren't you? But clearly I went too far,

'cause now you think I'm possessed,
which is beyond insane.

I'm really scared here.

At least clean off my face.

The salt stings.

Please, if you were ever my friend,
please just clean off my face.

Please. My eyes hurt so bad.

Please?

- Get back!
- I... I can't do this.

We've barely gotten started.

- Tempt me not with vain things!
- I-I really...

I really don't think...

You're hurting her!

Tell me your name, unholy one!

Truth to God, tell me your name!

Stop! Stop it!

Stop it! Stop!

Holy shit!

Andras.

Its name is Andras.

Abby, get it out of me, please!

No crying, pig.

Please help me!

Hot damn! We got ourselves a demon.

Please help.

- I got to go protein-load.
- Hmm?

Okay, so Andras is the 63rd entity
in The Lesser Key of Solomon,

grand marquis of hell
and the commander of 30 legions of demons.

Pass me the Gatorade.

Guys, don't leave me in here with him!

- So...
- Help me.

Please help. Get him out of me!

An exorcism is a plundering
of the soul, right? Not just, uh...

- Gretchen's?
- Yeah, Gretchen's.

- But mine, too. You know, it's a test.
- And mine, too?

Uh, yeah, maybe.
Anyway, it's a test, right?

You got to be willing to strip away
all the outer stuff...

You know, the personal safety,
the conventional morality...

Till there's nothing left but the truth,
even if it's just a tiny little nugget.

- You know, like a, like a pebble of truth.
- Abby, please.

A truth pebble can shake
the Walls of Jericho.

- Help me.
- You know what I'm saying?

Yeah, I-I'll do whatever.
I just want my friend back.

All right.

Come on.

Let's go send this demon back to hell.

Hi.

Thirsty?

Yeah.

It's okay.

Holy water!

- I drown you in God's holy love.
- No, no, no, no, no!

- Gut, head, heart, groin.
- No!

Face me, liar! Don't you hide!

Gut, head, heart, groin.

- Gut, head, heart, groin.
- Get it out!

It's going deeper.

Oh, it hurts!

Grab her legs.

- No! No! No! No!
- Take it. Take it.

I take up the sword of God.

Spirit, I pierce you.

Driving away your lies.

Fill the tub.

What? Why?

Full-immersion baptism.

The more we mortify the flesh,
the harder it is for the demon to hide.

No, that's-that's too much.

We must divorce the demon
from its human host.

Only then can we vanquish him

and send him back to the hell
from whence he came!

I'm not drowning her.

Let him do it, please!

No. He's hurting you.

Andras showed me what I did.

To you, to Margaret, to Glee.

That wasn't you.

We're going to DEFCON 2.

- I dare you.
- Feel the word of God.

- No, no. Stop!
- Yes!

- Let me do it!
- Get it out!

It's hot, it's hot, it's hot.

- Watch out. No.
- No!

I'm sorry. I lost control there.

You were right to intervene.

We're so close.

Christian.

Christian.

Is that my baby boy?

Mom?

I missed you so much, jelly bean.

This isn't real.

I know this isn't real.

It's her, though.

I'm so proud of you.

I told you I was okay, remember?

After the accident.

But I wasn't.

I was pinned in that car for 15 minutes.

I was still alive when it caught fire.

You should've come to help me, Christian.

Help me, Christian.

Help me, Christian.

Help me, Christian. Help me, Christian.

Help me, Christian!

No, wait.
Y-You're not just leaving me, right?

I got him to show himself, you know?

- That's, like, the hardest part, right?
- Oh. You can't.

I mean, this was your idea.
I-I can't do this on my own.

Hey, you got this.

You protein-loaded.

Let me know how it goes.
You have my number?

Bye-bye, Mr. Exorcist.

It's just us now, Abby.

Face it.

You can't save her.

You should go.

It's over.

Scared of the dark?

You shouldn't have stayed, Abby.

- This will end badly for you.
- Gretchen?

You're disgusting.

You grease-faced freak.

Stop it!

Who will you be now that Gretchen is gone?

You're nothing without her.

You're invisible.

You saved yourself and left your friend,

and now you're gonna die!

I know who you are, Andras.

And you are just a weak little girl.

Maybe, but I'm not gonna give up.

'Cause I want my best friend back,
you piece of shit!

She was never your friend.

She kept you around
'cause she felt sorry for you.

Be my protection against
the wickedness and snares of the devil.

Seriously?

We're still doing this?

- Hallowed be thy name.
- It won't work.

You're a weak, fat fucking loser,

and you always will be.

Oh, man.

Gretch.

Just let him take me, Abby.

You should go.

I'm not going anywhere.

The power of Boy George compels you.

The power of spring break '82 in Tampa

when we got sunburns
and virgin piña coladas

compels you.

Abby! Abby, help!

The power of The Thorn Birds and E.T.

and-and the power of cookies and cream
frozen yogurt compels you.

The power of Tiffany and-and the power
of our photo booth pictures

from Walt's and Sons Drugstore
compels to you.

He won't stop until you stop, Abby.

I love you, Gretchen Lang.

And no demon will ever change that.

Gretch?

Hey.

Gretchen?

Jesus. Is that what was inside of me?

Abby, don't let him take me again.

I won't.

Over here, Andras.

That's right, come to me.

No!

Mine!

Leave her alone.

Mine!

Andras, take me.

She's finished. Take me.

Now, Gretchen!

180 proof.

Easy to get yourself into a bad situation.

Or out of one.

Do it.

You did it.

I love you, Abby.

I love you, too.

Gretchen, we leave in ten.

Hi.

I can't believe this is goodbye.

Really?

It's a new start for both of us.

I can't believe
I actually said that out loud.

Promised I wouldn't.

Me, neither.

Oh.

For your new room.

Thanks.

I know he's gone.

I saw it with my own eyes.

But how do we know he's gonna stay gone?

We don't.

But you finished it.

Total demon slayer.

I'm never gonna forget you.

I'm not gonna let you.

I'll call.