Muppets from Space (1999) - full transcript
After Gonzo receives messages from his breakfast cereal, he determines that he is an alien and tries to contact his alien brethren, but is captured by an overzealous secret government agency determined to prove the existence of extraterrestrial life. It's up to Kermit and the gang to rescue Gonzo and help reunite him with his long-lost family.
[♪♪♪]
[CHUCKLES]
[GRUNTS]
ANIMAL:
Sorry!
KERMIT:
Hmm. Sheesh.
[♪♪♪]
[THUNDER CRASHING]
[♪♪♪]
[BIRDS SQUAWKING]
[GONZO PANTING]
[HORSE NEIGHS]
Hey, wait for me!
Hold the boat!
I'm coming!
Noah! Mr. The Ark! I'm here.
Barely made it. I thought
you were gonna leave without...
Oh. Oh. Gee, Mr. Noah, sir,
I'm gonna come too.
What are you, anyway?
Oh, uh... Good question.
Now, technically speaking, uh,
let's say, put me down
as a "whatever. "
What do you mean?
What is your species?
[STAMMERING]
I don't know.
I guess there's only one of me.
Then you are doomed!
Aah!
Wait. Wait! Oh.
[DOOR CREAKS]
Um...
Yes, sir?
You may need this.
[♪♪♪]
But, but, but...
Oh.
[THUNDER CRASHING]
Oh!
No! No! No!
I don't wanna be alone!
[SCREAMS]
[MUTTERING]
No, I don't wanna be alone.
No, no, no!
[RIZZO SCREAMS]
I don't wanna be alone!
RIZZO:
You're not alone.
Who said that?
RIZZO: Gee, I don't know. Maybe it's
the rat who's hanging out of the window!
[GRUNTS]
Rizzo?
No, it's Santa,
but I forgot my reindeer.
I'm sorry, Rizzo.
Yeah, right.
RIZZO:
Ah. Boy.
I had that weird dream again.
Oh, yeah? The one with the goat and
the dwarf and the jar of peanut butter?
No, it was the one where...
Forget it. You wouldn't understand.
I'd understand.
Come on, we're roommates.
Hey, hey, hey.
I'm here for you, man.
Okay. It's the one where
I'm talking to this Noah guy,
and he won't let me on his boat
because I'm all...
[RIZZO SNORING]
...alone.
[♪♪♪]
Good night, Rizzo.
[THE COMMODORES'
"BRICK HOUSE" PLAYING]
[CLUCKING]
[RINGING]
[WHISTLE BLOWING]
[BUZZING]
[RINGING]
[GRUNTING]
Morning.
[MUMBLING]
Aah.
Uh-Uh. Uh-uh.
[YAWNS]
[HUMMING]
[CHATTERING]
What? Hey, man!
[GRUNTING]
[SCREAMS]
[SQUAWKING]
Argh.
Argh.
[WATER SPLASHING]
Aah!
[BOTH GRUNTING]
[HUMMING]
[MUTTERING]
Oh! Mm.
[HUMMING]
[MOTOR REVVING]
[SCREAMING]
[ANIMAL THUDS]
[GRUNTING]
I do it all for you, ladies.
[GRUNTS]
[SQUAWKING]
[HUMMING]
[GRUNTING]
[GRUNTING]
Yah! Yah! Yah!
And scrunch.
Scrunch it. And right. And left.
And suck in
those tummies, ladies!
[GRUNTING]
Hmm?
Ah?
[ALL SINGING "BRICK HOUSE"]
That was fun. Way to get down
with your bad selves.
Pass the bagel.
Good morning, Rowlf.
ROWLF:
Good morning, Bob.
Huh. Good morning, everyone.
ALL: Morning.
[CHUCKLES]
Hello, little people!
What an absolutely splendid day!
[GROANING]
How are you, Piggy?
Oh. Late. I start my fabulous
new job today.
We megastar TV journalists
have to be punctual, you know.
TV journalist...?
Gotta run. Bye, Kermie.
Kissie, kissie. Ha-ha.
[PIGGY HUMMING]
Is breakfast over?
No, why?
Because I think
the bacon just ran out.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
The raspberry flapovers
will be out in a moment.
Uncle Kermit, what'll you do
now that you're on vacation?
Robin, as soon as I get
those housepainters started,
I'm gonna kick back and relax.
When will you fix the oven, okay?
What's wrong with the oven?
[EXPLOSION]
That.
[SPEAKING IN
FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
Popovers kaput!
I'll put it on the top of my list.
There is a menu correction,
okay.
We will now be serving
bologna sandwiches.
[ALL GRUMBLING]
But no bread.
Ew.
I'm already gone.
[CHATTERING]
[GONZO GROANS]
Hey, Gonzo. Aren't you performing
at that bar mitzvah today?
No. The Electric Mayhem's
covering for me.
Shalom.
[♪♪♪]
Aah. Aah. Oy.
But you never miss the chance
to shoot yourself out of a cannon.
Something wrong?
No.
Okay.
It's just that I'm sick and tired of
being a one-of-a-kind freak, that's all.
[♪♪♪]
Gonzo, you are not a one-of-a-kind
freak. You're a, uh...
Uh...
A whatever?
Well, yeah.
You see?
See what I mean? I don't even know
where I came from or who I am.
Yo, Kerm.
Hmm?
You weren't waiting for
some painters, were you?
Yeah.
They're driving away.
What?
Animal bit one of them.
Oh, no.
Wait, guys!
Don't let them go!
You know what you are, Gonzo?
What?
Distinct.
[CAR ENGINE STARTS]
Hey, wait, guys! He didn't mean it!
He's just a musician!
ANIMAL:
Musician, musician, musician!
[♪♪♪]
GONZO:
Distinct, huh?
More like extinct.
Oops.
[♪♪♪]
"Watch the sky"? Hey, hey!
[RIZZO HUMMING]
Rizzo, come here. I think my Kap'n
Alphabet is sending me a message.
I know what you mean.
I had some guacamole last night,
and it's still speaking to me. Ha-ha.
No, really. Look, look.
I'm not kidding.
Well, it was there just
a second ago.
I swear, Rizzo.
It said, "Watch the sky. "
Are you sure it didn't say,
"You need help"?
But, but...
Look, maybe you and your cereal
would like to be alone.
[GRUNTS]
Oh, boy.
[SIGHS]
RIZZO [SINGING]:
My bologna has a first name
It's O-S-C-A-R
[♪♪♪]
Cool.
Huh.
"R U there"?
Rizzo!
[♪♪♪]
[NARRATOR READING
ON-SCREEN TEXT]
[NARRATOR CHUCKLES]
General Luft, welcome.
I'm on a schedule.
What have you got?
Hard evidence.
We finally got them.
SINGER: Rentro.
Yes, sir?
The remote.
The goat?
The remote.
The remote.
I thought he said, "The goat. "
Over the past few months,
we have received
some unusual communications.
Communications, sir,
that are not of this Earth.
Really?
RENTRO: Incoming.
Ooh. Sorry about that, general.
Here's your remote.
Thank you, Rentro.
We believe that aliens are using
a contact on Earth
to plan their invasion.
Now, this same message,
"R U there,"
has appeared all over the world.
We've been lucky enough to
capture these instances on film.
The pyramid at Giza.
Stonehenge.
Okay, now this one says,
"R U three," but we believe that
to be a simple spelling error.
This could be vandalism,
a practical joke.
Now, you see that?
Ha-ha-ha.
That's what I said, general.
These photos are, uh... Um...
I'll just be over here then. Ahem.
Right this way, general.
When I plotted
these anomalies sequentially,
a pattern emerged.
[BLEEPING]
A spiral.
Do you see the spiral?
Sir, they are out there.
They are coming here.
Do you have any idea
what you have here, Singer?
Sir, I have an inkling.
Bubkes.
Bubkes?
Good day.
But, sir,
we have to take action now.
I hired you to find me an alien.
And you bring me doctored photos
and a spiral.
You are on thin ice, boy.
I gotta hand it to you, sir.
I thought your presentation
was just wonderful.
[CHEWING]
And, uh... Mm. Ahem.
Yeah.
[♪♪♪]
Whoop, there it is.
Roberta. Dolores. Mm. Ooh.
Shannanay.
[CHUCKLES]
Yo, Kerm,
what should I do with the bills?
Just leave them inside.
All right.
Hey, Gonzo, do you want your
new issue of Insanity Fair?
GONZO:
No, I'll get it later.
[DOGS BARKING IN DISTANCE]
What is he doing up there?
His breakfast cereal told him
to sit on the roof.
Ooh. Talk about whole-grain
and nuts.
[ALL LAUGHING]
[WIND WHISTLING]
[♪♪♪]
Huh.
Cool.
[SCREAMS]
[EARTH, WIND & FIRE'S
"SHINING STAR" PLAYING]
[YELLING]
Hey, yeah. Whoo!
Cool.
[IMITATES MOTOR REVVING]
[YELLS]
[LAUGHING]
Whoa!
This could be painful.
[LAUGHING]
It is. It is.
Gonzo! Mr. Gonzo.
Mr. Gonzo.
BOTH:
Greetings, Mr. Gonzo. Greetings!
Whoa. What are you guys?
Space fish?
We are cosmic knowledge fish.
We know many, many things.
Would you like some tea?
No, thanks.
Mr. Gonzo, your people have
been trying to reach you.
My people? Are they fish too?
BOTH:
No, no, no.
We're not the same as you.
We are highly evolved beings.
Now, if...
What was I saying?
My people?
Oh, yes.
Excellent.
You must mow the lawn if you wish
to find what you seek.
I should mow the lawn?
Mm.
A lawn that is cut
in your own words, Gonzo.
A message that can be seen
from space.
Space!
So trim it well.
Goodbye, Gonzo.
And may the fish be with you.
Thanks, guys,
for the cosmic knowledge.
Goodbye, Mr. Gonzo.
Bye! Goodbye!
[SCREAMS]
Oh!
[GROANING]
[LAUGHING]
That's it! Ha-ha-ha!
[CHIPS CLINKING]
PEPE: Come on, Rizzo. Time to bet, okay.
All right, prawn cracker.
I'll see your Maryland crab cakes,
and I'll raise you
a 1958 cheddar cheese,
never been sniffed.
[ALL CHUCKLE]
Crab cakes and cheese?
Can't beat that.
GONZO:
Hey, guys!
The cosmic fish have spoken to me.
I'm from outer space!
Yeah, yeah, that's great.
RIZZO: Pepe, are you in or out?
I'm in.
I'm an alien!
You been tap-dancing
on the barbecue?
No, no, Rizzo. I'm just fine.
[SCREAMS]
[GRUNTING]
Aah! My cards!
Somebody get a fire extinguisher!
Not my cards.
Oh, no, no, no.
Heh-heh-heh.
Gonzo, are you sure you're okay?
Yeah, absolutely.
But I have to respond.
Gotta make contact. Ah.
Where's he going with those keys?
Who cares? Flying saucer, maybe.
Dos deuces.
Huh?
The prawn cracker wins.
Pair of twos! I swear
I had four aces. I really did!
[SINGING]
You got to know when to hold it
RIZZO:
No, no, no!
Know when to fold it
Know when to walk...
[CAR ENGINE STARTING]
GONZO:
Ow!
[JAMES BROWN'S "GET UP
OFFA THAT THING" PLAYING]
[THUD, THEN CAT SCREECHES]
[SIREN WAILING]
[♪♪♪]
Just a few things
for today, sir.
Let's see. Here's a winner.
Your Platinum Buns workout tape.
Huh? Ha-ha-ha.
And, uh... Uh, let's see...
Ooh. That new satellite photo
is here,
my Captain Kangaroo pajamas...
What? What?
What satellite photo?
Uh-huh.
SINGER:
"I am here. "
Mowed in the lawn.
Who did this?
[MOTOR SPUTTERING]
[SNORING]
This is not good. Ugh.
No.
Poor guy. He's hallucinating.
Getting weird messages.
Hearing things.
He listens to voices
and does what they say.
Hold your horseshoes.
Huh?
[SNORTS]
I think I've got an idea.
You're scary.
Okay. Yeah.
I have to call Luft.
Ooh.
Wait. Careful.
Careful.
Baby steps.
Baby steps.
We need more evidence.
More evidence.
Remember, we're just watching.
Watching.
And waiting.
Waiting.
[SNORING]
PEPE [VOICE SHAKING]:
Build it and we will come.
Build what?
PEPE:
Build a Jacuzzi,
and we will come, okay.
Ha-ha.
Shh!
I'm up. I'm up.
[GRUNTS]
Must build Jacuzzi.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
Well done, pal.
[SPEAKS IN SPANISH]
[CHUCKLES]
[BRICK'S "DAZZ"
PLAYING OVER STEREO]
Put a little more paprika
on those, okay? Thank you.
Well, that's everything.
[RIZZO LAUGHS]
Whoa.
He built it.
And we came.
All right, now. Remember, I built
this new Jacuzzi for my alien family,
so no eating in the spa.
We gotta tell him the truth, Pepe.
You tell him
and I will smack you.
I will smack you like
a bad, bad donkey, okay.
Sal.
Yeah, Johnny.
There are no cannolis here.
Yeah, but try this cake.
This is a beauty.
That is nice. Would you...?
Gonzo, Gonzo!
GONZO: Go easy on the
buffet, fellas. I just want...
Who cut the cake?
Who cut the cake?
Who cut it?
What? Oh, look at that.
Who cut this cake?
That's awful, they would've...
I can't believe it. The guests
of honor aren't even here yet.
Hey, great party.
Yeah.
I just wish they'd get here.
SAL:
Hey, you! Did you cut Gonzo's cake?
I wonder if there really is life
on other planets.
What do you care?
You don't have a life on this planet.
[BOTH LAUGH]
[GROANS]
MAN [ON TV]: Earth, are you
ready? The Galaxy Channel presents:
UFO Mania Live, with close-encounter
expert Shelley Snipes.
Hello, I'm Shelley Snipes.
Coming up on UFO Mania Live,
I'll be taking a hard look
at some compelling new data.
Have you seen something in the sky
but were afraid to talk about it?
GONZO: I don't understand why
they didn't show up last night.
Well, perhaps we can
be of assistance.
I think we can help you contact
your alien brethren
by boosting your newly enhanced
conductivity.
Okay, Beakie. Let her rip.
Huh?
Mee-mee-ai. Whoo-hoo-hoo.
Hoo-hoo! Hoo-hoo!
Wait a minute.
I think I'm picking up a signal.
[YELLING]
SHELLEY: If you've had
contact with an alien,
or if you are an alien
and want to tell your story,
write to us or come to our studio.
SHELLEY [OVER SPEAKER]: Come to our
studio at 6577 Broadcast Lane now.
The mother ship
is calling me home!
[GASPS]
Ha-ha. Thanks, guys.
[GONZO LAUGHING]
The mother ship! It worked.
The mother ship!
[LAUGHS]
Beaker?
PEPE: You said you
going to tell him, okay.
Pepe, the Jacuzzi thing was your
idea, and you have to tell him.
Sí, I will tell him, okay.
Right.
GONZO: They're calling me!
Here he comes.
Hey, Gonzo.
I can't talk now, guys.
You should've told him.
I wasn't supposed to!
You said you'd tell him.
I said you. I meant you.
[JAMES BROWN'S "GET UP
OFFA THAT THING" PLAYING]
Hi, guys. I'm here.
I'll just leave the tractor
here in front, okay?
And that's the way it is.
This is Miss Piggy saying
good night, and have a great...
MAN:
Hey! Where's my coffee?
Uh, uh... I'm... Coming! Coming!
Coming! Coming.
I'll take one.
In a minute.
Light, no sugar.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Shelley's stuck at the airport.
She won't make it on time.
Okay, I am not gonna panic.
Who am I kidding? Yes, I am.
No, I'm not.
Okay, I'm panicking. Who can we
possibly get at the last minute? Who?
[PIGGY CLEARS THROAT]
Cappuccino?
[CHUCKLES]
WOMAN: Stand by, everybody.
MAN: Roll tape, please!
And cue I.D.
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS
ON SPEAKERS]
WOMAN:
We're on in five, four, three, two...
[MUSIC FADES OUT]
[GASPING]
Look! It's Piggy's new show.
Ahh...
[WHISPERING]
Read. Read.
Oh, oh, oh. Um... Um... "Hello
again. I'm Shelley Snipes. " Mm.
Uh... Uh... "Today on UFO Mania,
flying saucers
and their extraterrestrial pilots. "
Wish I could find my pants.
PEPE:
You should come to see this.
"I'm sure you've often wondered
what might those alien creatures
look like?"
[GONZO PANTING]
People of Earth, do not be alarmed.
My message will be brief.
I am Gonzo.
Gonzo?
Hmm? Uh... Piggy?
I don't have a Gonzo.
Ha-ha-ha. There seems to be
some mistake. Ha-ha-ha.
Dang.
You better get down there, Kerm.
Relax. No one
is going anywhere, okay?
You see, I was contacted through
my breakfast cereal,
and it was confirmed
to me by the cosmic fish,
that I am definitely
from outer space.
So you wanna go now
or wait for the commercial?
Now. Come on.
What are you doing here?
Huh?
I'm making contact.
What are you doing?
Um...
Interview him.
I'm interviewing...
I'm interviewing you!
GONZO:
Great! What would you like to know?
The whole tearful tale
of your inner struggle, Gonzo.
GONZO: Oh. I want my people to
know I've received their messages,
and my response is:
"I am here. "
"I am here. "
Bingo.
I'm at 44 Bronson Lane,
and I can't wait to meet you.
And I can't wait to meet you.
Me too. He's very charismatic,
don't you think?
Freeze that!
Ooh.
SINGER:
I want him here and I want him now.
RENTRO:
Yes, sir.
So you're our fancy little landscaper.
We're gonna take a break.
Oh, oh, oh! Ha-ha-ha. Yes. We are going to
pause here, and we'll be right back with Gonzo,
the geek who fell to Earth,
with moi, Miss...
And we're out.
Ninety seconds, folks.
[GROANS]
Now that is TV.
The phones are lighting up like Vegas.
What power, what heat. You're a hit!
Oh! Oh, thank you.
Not you. Him.
Huh?
Me?
You've got it.
Sure wish we could find a cure.
[♪♪♪]
Rizzo?
Gonzo?
Kermie?
Piggy?
What's going on?
Listen, aren't you taking
this alien thing a little too far?
Kermit, I realize that it may be hard
for you to accept me as an alien,
but I didn't choose to be one.
Well, I've always had
alien tendencies.
This just makes sense.
Beautiful, big G.
I see a follow-up episode here.
Me too.
"The Alien in My Life. "
A Miss Piggy special report.
What are you talking about?
You're the coffee pig.
Huh?
Ha-ha-ha.
Kermit, he's such a joker.
Ha-ha-ha.
AGENT:
We'll take this from here.
[♪♪♪]
We're with the Society for
the Prevention of Cruelty to Aliens.
We feel your pain, Gonzo.
They feel my pain.
I got a paper cut that's a
doozy. You feel my pain too?
Can you help me make contact
with my alien tribe?
Yes, we can, Gonzo.
Somebody believes me.
Come on, fellas.
Take me to my leader.
KERMIT: But, but... Gonzo.
But, but, but...
I don't like the look of them.
This rat smells a rat.
The limo's right this way.
Oh, oh. Ooh!
Did he say limo?
Wait, I'm his translator.
Wait!
You know this Gonzo, right?
Um... If the price is right.
The price?
Look,
I deliver Gonzo's exclusive
life story, okay,
if you make moi
your new anchorwoman.
WOMAN:
We're back in 15 seconds.
What about Shelley?
Shelley, shmelly.
Yes, yes! Go.
All right! Hey!
Oh! Excuse me.
Excuse me. Ho, ho, yo.
Ho, ho. Hey, studmuffin, hold it.
I'll deal with her.
[PIGGY CHUCKLES]
You'll deal with moi?
Look, chumpo, I'm just trying to
get a story.
How about this story?
It's about a big bad wolf
and a little pig.
No, that's three pigs, okay?
Not in this version.
Wait a minute. You're not part of
that alien-protection agency.
Who are you?
Where are you taking Gonzo?
Hai-ya!
I'm impressed.
[GRUNTS]
Black belt, third degree.
Hai-ya!
Platinum belt,
with an unlimited line of credit.
I like this party.
[GROWLING]
Tough guy. Tough guy!
[LAUGHS]
Come on. Show me!
Show me!
Look! Cindy Crawford. Hai-ya!
Huh?
[LAUGHS]
[GROANS, THEN LAUGHS]
Where have you been all my life?
[GRUNTING]
Is that all you got?
Is that all you got?
Is that all you got?
Is that all you got?
[YELLING]
Not the noogie!
Hey!
Unh!
[GROANS]
[YELLS]
Mama!
CROWD [CHANTING]:
Gonzo, Gonzo, Gonzo!
What the hey?
CROWD:
Gonzo, Gonzo, Gonzo!
There are no aliens here.
Only good, old-fashioned,
hard-working Americans.
[CLUCKING]
Good grief.
Now get off my Kentucky bluegrass.
Look! It's a little green man.
Excuse me, but what are
all you people doing here?
We were drawn here by the alien.
[CROWD CHATTERING]
Yuck.
AGENT: That's all I know.
So let me get this straight, now.
This government agency,
C.O.V.N.E.T., has abducted Gonzo,
and taken him
to its top-secret facility?
Yes, Miss Piggy.
Thank you.
You've been most helpful.
At last! A real story.
Intrigue, danger, new outfits.
And it's mine, mine, mine!
All mine!
[LAUGHS]
Come on. Please. You think
Ted Koppel never gets excited?
[GRUNTS]
RIZZO: So this is the car that
takes us to the limo, right? Oh!
Somebody should look
at those shocks.
At least they carried our stuff.
Don't hold your breath for a tip.
Oh! Heh-heh-heh.
Ahem.
As ambassador of Earth,
I welcome you.
Uh, yeah.
I'm Edgar,
but I want you to call me Ed.
That's Ed.
Oh, Ed.
And it's an honor
to meet you, Mr. Gonzo.
Yeah, yeah. Me too.
Hors d'oeuvres! Ha-ha-ha!
SINGER:
Please,
won't you sit?
Oh. Thanks. Ha-ha.
Careful, careful.
You'll get gas.
So when do we begin, Ed?
I'm very excited about all this.
Uh...
Me too, my friend.
Me too.
Yeah.
PIGGY:
Kermie, Kermie, Kermie!
Kermie! Yes! Yoo-hoo!
Kermie! Everybody!
Come here. Come here. Oh, oh, oh. Listen,
everyone, listen. I've got great news.
Gonzo has been kidnapped
by the government,
and it could be
a life-threatening situation!
How can that be great news?
Because...
I've got the story!
I've got the story!
Oh! I need to change. Something
that says journalistic integrity.
Oh! Oh! Oh! I've gotta pee.
Oh, brother.
Oh. What are we gonna do?
Okay, guys, it's up to us.
We have to save Gonzo from
a whole army of government agents.
Well, I have a joke book.
Drumsticks! Drumsticks!
I have some loose Jell-O, okay.
Okay. Well, that settles that.
In circumstances like this,
there's only one place to turn.
[ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]
[♪♪♪]
What do you got, Bunsen?
Oh. There you are.
Well, Mr. Kermit, here at Muppet
Labs, we've come up with many devices
that should aid you
in your covert operations.
Excellent.
This seemingly ordinary
rubber ducky
actually contains
invisibility spray.
However, the effect is,
sadly, temporary.
The old rubber-ducky-with-
invisibility-spray trick. Check.
And, Beaker, if you would.
Here is something that
we're very excited about.
BEAKER: Mee-mee!
"Door in a jar"?
Mee-mee-mee! Mee-mee!
That's absolutely right, Beakie.
All you do is open up the jar,
fling the contents
onto the wall, and poof!
Poof!
Instant door.
Wow. What is this?
A secret communication device?
No. That's Scotch tape.
Useful if something tears.
Ah.
PIGGY: Ahem.
ALL:
Ooh.
And what do you have for moi?
Ah.
Ooh.
Well, Miss Piggy, for you
we have Muppet Labs Mind Mist.
Simply spray it on the subject,
and they will obey
your every command.
[LAUGHS]
I dou... Ooh-ho!
Mee-mee-moo-hoo.
[GRUNTS]
I doubt I'll need any.
Okay, guys. Let's go get Gonzo.
RIZZO:
Yeah. Come on.
PEPE: We'll find him, okay.
Gonzo! Gonzo! Gonzo!
Yeah!
[♪♪♪]
I've been looking for
something like you
all my life.
And now, at last, my search
has come to an end.
May I?
Before you answer,
you better be clear
on the final destination
of that finger.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
Oh. Thanks.
Hmm.
No nostrils.
How do you smell?
Awful. Trust me,
I'm his roommate.
[BOTH LAUGH]
RIZZO:
That's a killer!
[ALL LAUGHING]
Don't...
laugh...
at me!
[GULPS]
[♪♪♪]
I hope I'm not imposing, but I thought
you were just great on TV.
Could I get your autograph?
Rentro?
Yes, sir?
It's not a good time.
This is probably not a good time.
Yeah. Ahem.
Forgive me my earthly manners.
But do you have any idea
what it's like
[CHUCKLES]
to be laughed at?
Yeah. Sure I do.
To be called names like "wacko"?
Uh-huh.
And "freak boy"?
Oh, yeah.
And "paranoid delusional
psychopath"?
Got me there.
To feel
completely alone
in this world?
Yeah. I think we're starting to get
the general idea there, Ed.
Yeah.
[♪♪♪]
It's wrestling legend
Hollywood Hulk Hogan?
Have the rat sent down
to Dr. Tucker for some tests.
Tests? But I haven't studied. I
don't even have a number-two pencil.
This is for
all my NWO-ites out there.
I will continue to dominate wrestling.
I'll make your back crack, your knees
freeze and your liver quiver.
I will continue to put so much pain
on you, you'll become my "painiac. "
SINGER:
Hollywood.
Would you mind? The rat.
Oh, yeah.
RIZZO: Oh...
Where you going with my friend?
RIZZO: What'll your fans think?
Hey, what you gonna do?
I'm a bad guy now.
Gonzo! Gonzo, help me!
No, no! Ah!
Rizzo!
Shh-shh-shh.
He's going to be fine.
[RIZZO SCREAMING]
RIZZO:
Ow!
Huh?
[GRUNTING]
Yo.
[♪♪♪]
How you doing? I'm Bubba.
Hey. Rizzo. Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you.
How'd you like to meet the boys?
Uh... Sure. Heh.
Up there, that's Fast Eddie,
harmonica extraordinaire.
How you doing, Ed?
Well, I ain't dead.
Over here's Troy.
Yeah, hi.
This back here,
that's Shakes.
Hi. Hello.
How you doing? Welcome.
They're doing a new
caffeine substitute on him.
That's the Birdman.
Where are you? Gladys?
He don't bother nobody.
Been here forever.
[GRUNTING]
Gladys! Come on,
the guys are watching.
He just likes to hang out with
his birds. Know what I mean?
So that about does it for all
of us here at Medical Research.
[GRUNTING]
Medical Research?
Yeah.
But that would mean we're
lab rats!
RIZZO:
Gonzo, get me out of here!
SINGER:
Now, Mr. Gonzo.
Hm?
What can you tell me about these?
Whoa. They really have been
looking for me.
SINGER:
And they are coming to Earth?
GONZO:
I don't know.
SINGER: How many are there?
GONZO: I don't know.
When will they be here?
And don't you dare tell me
that you don't know.
Uh... I know not?
[GRUNTS]
But maybe I could find out?
Could you?
Okay.
Well...
Okay, then.
I'll keep in touch. Thanks.
Oh. Heh. So back to the limo?
It's a shame, really.
Huh?
I really need that information.
So I'm afraid
we'll have to perform
an invasive quadra-lobal
brain probe on you
and pluck it from your head.
The information?
No, your brain. Take him away.
What?
My brain?
But just a second. I...
Where are you taking me?
SINGER: Rentro, get General Luft.
I need my brain!
I need my brain!
[♪♪♪]
Hey, Fozzie, tell me again.
Why are we doing this?
To save Gonzo.
Gonzo! Gonzo! Gonzo!
Right. Because Gonzo's
one of us.
No matter what happens, no matter
what obstacles we face,
we never forget one of our own.
PIGGY: I love it when you take charge.
Hey!
We left Bunsen and Beaker
back at the gas station.
Okay. Well, uh...
From now on,
no matter what happens,
we never forget
one of our own.
That's right.
Hmm.
Cheese Twiddle?
Is this movie time or something?
Oh, no.
So you're the new guy.
From this moment on, if I say
you're hungry, you eat.
If I say you're sleepy...
I eat?
Oh, you shouldn't have...
Well, well, well.
We got a funny boy here.
Is that bad?
Very bad.
Looks like funny boy's
going to the maze.
Since we don't want funny boy
to get lonely,
you'll all do time
in the maze.
I'm sorry. I didn't know.
See, no one's ever escaped
from the maze, funny boy.
Even if you did,
it's four feet to the ground,
12 feet to the door
and four feet to the doorknob.
That's 18 feet.
Twenty.
Funny thing about doorknobs:
Rats can't turn them.
No opposable thumb.
[LAUGHING]
[THE O'JAYS' "SURVIVAL"
PLAYING]
[YELLS]
This is ridiculous.
No, no.
Hey, Riz, watch out
for them red circles.
RIZZO: Yeah? What's wrong
with the red...? Aah!
Nobody ever listens.
Red circles. Right.
[COUGHS]
Now, let me see.
Cheese, rat poison.
Cheese, rat poison. Duh.
What do you guys think, I'm crazy?
This is a no-brainer.
This ain't so bad.
A little breezy. Oh, boy.
Whoa. Whoa. Whoa!
Auntie Em! Auntie Em, it's a twister!
This is just like
one of those carny rides.
You just gotta hang on, and at
the end I get some cotton candy.
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
[SCREAMING]
I'm gonna hurl!
You're just trying
to play mind games here.
But I know the cheese is safe,
because you think I'm going
for the poison, right? Huh? Huh?
[GRUNTS]
[MOANS]
Psst.
Huh?
Room service.
[LAUGHS]
[LAUGHS]
Hey there, little fella.
How you doing?
While they're warming up the brain
sucker, I brought you a sandwich.
And I cut off the crusts there
for you. There you go.
Oh. Gee, that's nice. Thanks.
Anything for a celebrity.
Ha, ha, ha.
Oh. Hey.
Do you like jalapeños?
Sure.
Okay.
[SINGING] Jalapeños Jalapeños
[SIGHS]
Hey, mopey!
Aah!
Who said that?
I did.
But you're just a sandwich.
I'm channeling my voice through this
sandwich to deliver this message.
Great! What's the message?
Ahem.
We arrive at midnight tonight.
Really? And do all of you
look like sandwiches?
Forget about the sandwich!
I'm sorry.
[SINGING] Jalapeños, jalapeños
Getting my friend some jalapeños
SANDWICH: So here's the plan:
We're landing at your house.
No, no, wait.
Those guys know where I live.
And they're not the best
examples of earthlings.
Gosh, where else can we land?
Let's see, uh...
I know! At the beach.
Go to Cape Doom.
Just look for the lighthouse.
SANDWICH:
The lighthouse at Cape Doom it is.
Oh, boy. I didn't hear that.
I didn't hear that.
This is great.
But how do I get out of here?
Hey, I'm just a sandwich.
Some things you gotta
figure out for yourself.
By the way, you go ahead
and eat me now.
You're gonna need the energy.
Ah.
But won't that hurt?
No, it's fine. I'm going away now.
Oh. Hmm.
Cape Doom, right?
Yes, Cape Doom.
Are you there?
Hello? Hello? Huh.
[DOOR OPENS]
[SCREAMS]
[♪♪♪]
KERMIT:
Just a little further up.
Stop, Fozzie. Stop here. Fozzie.
FOZZIE: That's it.
ALL:
Whoa!
FOZZIE:
Sorry.
[♪♪♪]
[GRUNTS AND PANTS]
Psst. Animal.
Huh? Sorry.
Stand back, boys.
This is a job for a woman.
Woman. Woman. Wo...
KERMIT: Shh.
Hello.
What's a nice man like you doing
in a guardhouse like this?
I'm buffalo hunting.
What's it look like I'm doing?
This is a restricted area.
You gotta go.
Oh, no.
Look deeply into my eyes
and tell me you want me to go.
I want you to go.
Understand?
Now!
Okay. Ahem.
I thought I...
What was I saying?
You were saying you were
going to open the gate. Ha-ha-ha.
Open the gate. Open the gate.
Of course, open the gate.
Come on in. Welcome.
Come on, guys!
FOZZIE: Oh, boy.
Tell me I'm beautiful, sweetheart.
You are beautiful, sweetheart.
Thank you.
[LAUGHS]
He fell on you
like a ton of bricks, okay.
[SPEAKS IN FRENCH]
GUARD:
Have a nice time.
I like your tie. Very nice.
Thank you.
So long.
Bye-bye!
Bye-bye.
Ha-ha-ha.
What a handsome family.
Ow. Ow. Ow.
Hey, rodents.
Huh?
You know the cheese
I promised you
after you ran that maze
and took those tests?
RATS:
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It was delicious.
[LAUGHING]
No cheese?
No cheese?!
All right! That does it!
We're busting out of this joint, boys.
Riz, even if we got over the wall,
we couldn't turn the doorknob.
Yeah.
Who needs doorknobs?
Doh.
[CHUCKLES]
Huh? Huh? Huh?
Yeah. Yeah.
Shh!
Very nice.
Heh, heh, heh.
He likes it!
[♪♪♪]
KERMIT: Guys, we gotta
get through that door.
Should we just ask permission from
those nice men with the rifles?
Fozzie, those are the bad guys.
Oh.
All right.
It's time to get invisible.
Fozzie, get the duck.
Hmm?
Yes, sir.
Duckie.
Here goes.
[DUCK SQUEAKING]
I look thinner.
KERMIT: Now spray yourself.
Okay.
[SQUEAKING]
FOZZIE:
Hey, I like this.
KERMIT: All right, lose the duck.
FOZZIE: Yes, sir.
KERMIT: Listen up, guys. This stuff
doesn't last long, so let's go.
PEPE: Let's go.
PIGGY: Yes, yes.
KERMIT: Ugh! You're squashing me.
PIGGY: Sorry, Kermie.
PEPE: Come on. I will help you up, okay.
Kermit, you're so soft and plump.
PIGGY: You got one second to
get your hands off me, shrimp.
PEPE:
Ooh. Sorry, Piggy.
KERMIT:
Come on, guys, let's go. Shh-shh.
FOZZIE:
I have to go to the little bear's room.
KERMIT:
Oh, Fozzie.
[♪♪♪]
PEPE:
Smoking is very bad for you, okay.
Bob,
didn't know you cared.
WOMAN [OVER PA]: Paging Dr. Van Neuter.
Please report to Alien Surgery number five.
Hello.
I'm Dr. Van Neuter.
I'll be your brain surgeon today,
if you don't mind.
Get it? "Brain surgeon"?
"Mind"?
[LAUGHS]
Ugh.
Feeling a little nervous, are we?
Of course I'm nervous.
Everyone is before having
their brain sucked out.
Now, don't you go away.
[SIGHS]
[GRUNTS]
[TOILET FLUSHING]
FOZZIE:
Okay, Kermit. I'm ready.
KERMIT: Fozzie, tell me
you didn't wash your hands.
FOZZIE: Of course I did. Mom
said, "Always wash your hands. "
KERMIT: Not when you're
wearing invisibility spray.
FOZZIE:
Mom said, "No exceptions. "
Never, ever. Uh-uh.
What the...? Stop! You!
Hands up!
All right, remain calm.
I'm gonna have to take
you two into custody.
FOZZIE:
Wait. Let me explain, lady.
No. Wait a minute. Where...?
Lady, can I...? Let me explain.
GUARD:
Where are your forearms?
[ANIMAL GROWLING]
Ah!
ANIMAL: Woman!
KERMIT:
Animal! Animal, get back here!
ANIMAL: Woman! Woman! Woman!
KERMIT: Animal!
Give me a second to think.
He doesn't seem to be on this floor.
[CHUCKLES]
Oh-ho-ho!
[HUMMING]
Wow.
I should go change, okay.
Come on, everybody.
We need to find better cover.
[PEPE HUMMING]
Just up ahead here,
General Luft, sir.
There we go.
Ah. This is our new
retinal scanner, general.
[MUMBLES]
[CHUCKLES THEN
CLEARS THROAT]
[BEEPING
AND RENTRO GRUNTING]
[GROANING]
General Luft, sir.
This had better be good.
Whoa.
BUBBA:
Come on, let's go. Shh.
Ooh.
Hey, Riz. Where's Riz?
Where you going?
Listen. You guys go ahead.
I gotta go find my friend.
What? You could get caught.
What are you, nuts?
I guess I'll take my chances.
It was nice meeting you guys.
See you later.
[CHATTERING]
SHAKES:
So long, Riz.
TROY:
Bye, Rizzo. Good luck.
Kid's got moxie.
SHAKES: Yeah, moxie.
What is moxie?
Let's see here.
Have you ever experienced
any achiness in your tentacles?
I don't have tentacles.
Good, no achy tentacles. Good.
Head ever come off?
No, I don't think so.
Good, good, good.
Any gingivitis?
No.
Great.
How about that beaky thing you've got
there, ever had problems with that?
Itching, swelling, flaking?
Some flaking a couple years ago...
Who cares?
It's showtime!
[HUMMING]
Here we go.
Oh, brother.
Excellent, excellent.
[HUMMING]
Whoa, whoa.
What's that thing?
I don't know. Here we go.
Here we go.
Just stay like that.
Okay.
[MUPPETS GRUNTING]
This way.
PIGGY:
Whose bright idea was this, anyway?
FOZZIE: Which way, Kermit?
Kermin! Kermin!
This way.
Mm-hm.
PIGGY:
I can't breathe in here.
Come on.
Here we go.
Wait, wait.
What is it?
Are you sure
this is covered by my HMO?
Oh. Good question. I'll check.
[MACHINE TURNS OFF]
Psst. Gonzo.
Rizzo. You're alive.
Where have you been?
You don't want to know. Sit tight
while I chew through these straps.
Yeah, yeah.
Okay.
Good news. You're covered
with a $10 co-pay.
Okay, hold still.
And remember, if you experience any
unpleasantness, please let me know.
I'd hate to miss it.
Hmm? Hmm?
Do you mind?
Oh. Excuse me.
Wait!
Oh, good Lord! A rat!
I hate rats!
Then today
ain't your lucky day, doc.
[WHIMPERS, THEN SCREAMS]
Ready for an operation?
A little experiment.
PEPE:
Forward, Piggy. Forward.
[HUMMING]
Doctor.
Doctor.
Doctor.
Oh. Doctor.
Doctor.
Just a couple of doctors.
Doctors in the hallway.
Whew.
That was close.
[MACHINE WHIRRING
AND GONZO SCREAMS]
To the right, Fozzie.
Forward, Piggy.
PEPE: Too fast, too
fast. The door. Stop!
[GONZO YELLING]
What in the world?
This is big, general. I think
we should notify the president.
I'll be the judge of that.
As always, sir.
No, don't tickle me! Ha-ha-ha.
What do we do?
PIGGY:
Will you please get me out of here?
[GRUNTING]
[VAN NEUTER LAUGHING]
VAN NEUTER:
No, no, no!
I can't breathe!
Ha-ha-ha.
Hey, guys.
Quick, get me out of here!
Today, sir,
we must think with a big mind.
Behold.
Irrefutable evidence
of extraterrestrial life.
Release me...
[VAN NEUTER GROANS]
Oh...
This looks worse than it is, general.
Obviously, the...
Oh! Get off of me, you vermin!
The alien is loose in the building.
But not to worry, because...
Don't bother.
You're terminated.
Uh...
When you say "terminated"...
You need help, Singer!
Find some!
[RENTRO CLICKS TONGUE]
Mm.
Well, how'd that
go for you, then? Okay?
So sorry I got you into this mess.
Thanks for coming to save me.
You can thank us once
we're out of here.
All right, quietly now.
Shh.
GUARD:
Stop! Come back here!
ANIMAL:
Help! Mommy!
Please, please.
Listen to me.
You can't leave me.
I need you.
ALL:
Ooh.
[GRUNTS]
I go now.
Fine. Go on, go.
You're all alike.
Animals.
[SOBBING]
Ugh.
Call me.
GONZO:
Psst. Animal. Animal!
Come here.
Way to go, Romeo.
Now let's get out of here.
Let's go, let's go.
I'm gonna kill somebody.
Whoa. Now, now.
Remember, calm blue ocean.
You let it go.
Baby steps, remember? Baby...
Find the alien!
Now!
Yes, sir.
[EARTH, WIND & FIRE'S
"GETAWAY" PLAYING]
[MEN YELLING]
[ALL SCREAMING]
Try that door.
It won't budge!
Forget that door. Come on!
[MUPPETS GASP]
This way!
Fozzie, quick!
The door in a jar.
It's right here.
Yeah, yeah.
Um, "Open jar away
from face. "
Will you please
just open the jar?
Hurry, Fozzie.
Come on, throw it!
That's disappointing.
Perfect. Somebody knock
and see if Barbie's home.
Works for me. Adios.
What?
I cannot believe that
little shrimp left us behind.
I am not a shrimp.
I am a king prawn.
Let's go, let's go! Come on!
[MUPPETS SCREAMING]
Hurry, hurry! Come on, guys, hurry!
Come on! Ah!
[DOOR LOCKS]
KERMIT: Keep going, everybody.
Don't look back. Run!
GUARD: Did you have a good time?
KERMIT: Thank you.
Bye-bye.
ANIMAL: Bye-bye, nice man.
[ANIMAL CHUCKLES]
[ALARM BLARING]
What the heck is going on?
GONZO: We did it!
KERMIT: See that?
When we pull together,
we can do anything.
Now we can go meet my alien
brothers at Cape Doom.
Um, ahem. What makes you think
that aliens are landing there, Gonzo?
Oh, a sandwich told me.
Oh, no.
RIZZO: I'd give it a
rest there, buddy, huh?
Do you mean that you guys
still don't believe me?
Well...
All right, fine. Stop the bus.
I'll get there by myself.
No, no. Wait, Gonzo.
Wait. Look.
It doesn't matter what we believe.
If you believe that you need
to go and meet your alien brothers,
then I say...
Well, I say we're going to the beach.
Right, guys?
The beach, okay.
To the beach.
Great!
Beach ball! Beach ball!
Get the crew to Cape Doom
on the double.
And look, this is my exclusive,
so don't tell anyone.
I got it.
Pack it up, guys! The spaceship
is landing at Cape Doom!
[CROWD YELLING]
[MOTORCYCLE REVVING]
SINGER:
Where is he?
Well, I didn't
overhear anything...
Did I ask you
if you overheard anything?
No, sir.
Because if you did
overhear anything,
I'm sure you would tell me.
Yes, sir.
Or do I have to remind you
of Mr. Jumbo's Circus Town
and Wild Animal Revue?
[MOANING]
Where's he going?
Oh, look.
Sunday's half price
at the petting zoo.
Okay, okay!
They're going to Cape Doom.
Good, good.
Get me the subatomic
neutro-destabilizer.
Hmm?
The subatomic neutro...
The really big gun.
The really big gun. Yes, sir.
The really big gun.
[CHUCKLES]
Really big gun.
Clip.
RENTRO:
Clip!
Wow.
Let's head for my car.
Oh, uh... Problem there, sir.
Ahem. Uh...
Remember those parking tickets
you asked me to take care of for you?
And I said that...
Oh, just say it.
Car's impounded.
[♪♪♪]
Ooh! We can take
my company car.
Fine.
Great.
RENTRO [SINGING]: Sixty-six bottles of
beer on the wall Sixty-six bottles of beer
SINGER:
Excuse me.
Excuse me!
Can this thing go any faster?
RENTRO:
I'm doing 30.
MAN: You want to slow down there, buddy?
RENTRO: A lot of traffic
tonight, sir. Safety first.
[BILLY PRESTON'S
OUTA-SPACE" PLAYING]
[CROWD CHEERING]
CROWD [CHANTING]:
Gonzo! Gonzo! Gonzo!
[CROWD CHEERING]
What's with all these
crazy people?
Can I help it if moi
has such devoted fans?
[LAUGHS]
Ugh.
CROWD: Gonzo! Gonzo! Gonzo!
RIZZO:
All right, everybody, back off!
Make way!
Let His Royal Weirdness through.
PEPE:
Everybody be cool.
Stay back. Be cool, okay.
CROWD
Gonzo! Gonzo! Gonzo!
Get your Gonzo T-shirts right here.
Ten bucks!
[BUNSEN CHUCKLES]
Goodbye, Rainbow,
and stay groovy.
Hmm. Got cold.
Yeah. Sure did.
PIGGY: Midnight. The lone
alien stands before a naked sky.
The mood is tense.
My hair looks great.
SHELLEY: What?
I don't believe this.
Oh.
Shelley.
You backstabbing,
underhanded little coffee pig.
What?
SHELLEY: This is my show!
My story, my microphone.
Shelley Snipes reporting.
Please ignore the little sow.
Disregard this woman. I...
[SCREAMS]
Hai-ya!
Unh!
[YELLS]
[PIGGY GRUNTING]
[PIGGY & SHELLEY GRUNTING]
What am I doing?
Um...
You are about to give me your job
and get everyone here coffee.
Oh, yes. Of course.
Right away. Oh.
I love this stuff.
RIZZO:
How you doing?
Excuse me, buddy.
And a happy Halloween to you
as well.
Oh, oh, oh.
Aah!
Riz, it's all right.
Take it easy.
Yeah, yeah.
What do you mean, it's all right?
You don't understand. We let
him slide, and he gave us a ride.
Yeah, yeah.
I love all my new rat friends now.
Come on. Who wants this
next marshmallow?
Can you believe that?
Look at that.
Hey, fellas.
Look who's here over here.
Rizzo!
Hey, buddy!
It's too bad Dawson
isn't here for this.
Tell me about it. This whole situation
is like one of his sci-fi movies.
But this is a Muppet movie.
It's much more realistic,
and romantic, okay.
Right.
What's your deal?
Are you an alien or something?
No, baby.
Me and Gonzo are very tight.
We'll be chilling
in our hot tub later on.
Perhaps you'd like
to partake in the party.
Geeks.
All right. Don't answer right away.
We'll be here.
Oh, she'll be back.
[♪♪♪]
One a. m.
The alien is still
standing over there.
My hair still looks great.
One can only wonder
what Gonzo's feeling right now.
They're not coming.
Well, maybe they're
just running late.
It's a no-show. It's a no-show.
MAN 1:
What?
Hey, wait a second.
I believed you, man.
Yeah. I stayed up
all night dancing,
and didn't study for finals
because of you.
I'm cold. Come on, let's go.
[CROWD CHATTERING]
MAN 2:
Yeah, whatever.
MAN 3:
I'm out of here.
[GASPS]
Look!
[CROWD CHATTERING]
[♪♪♪]
[GASPS]
[GASPS]
Oh...
[AIR HISSING]
[CROWD MURMURING]
Boy.
They're really tiny.
But tiny's not a bad thing, right?
Uh... No. Tiny's good.
Wait a minute. We came out here in the
middle of the night for a stupid egg?
Shh! It could be full
of chocolate, okay.
[CROWD GASPING]
[♪♪♪]
Shoot it! Shoot it!
Hokey pokey.
Please, big boss.
I never disobeyed my mother.
And I never carried the plague.
Not even once! Oh.
[♪♪♪]
Are you okay, Gonzo?
Great. Never felt better.
[♪♪♪]
Let the one who is called Gonzo
step forward.
That's me!
[STAMMERS]
I'm Gonzo.
Step a little closer.
Come a little further forward.
Ooh. Could you lean into the light.
There you go.
Lean in a little further.
A little further. Yeah.
Oh, that's him!
[GRUNTS]
ALIEN 1 [ON PA]:
Gonzo.
Many zotons ago,
you were lost to us.
We've come a long way looking
for you, little brother.
[GASPS]
We know of but one way
to express our happiness
at having found you.
[KOOL & THE GANG'S "CELEBRATION"
PLAYING ON SPEAKERS]
[LAUGHS]
[SINGING] Now there's a
party going on Right here
Right here
A celebration
That's my family! That's my family!
So bring your good times
And your laughter too
We're gonna celebrate
Your party with you
Come on, now
Celebration
Let's all celebrate
And have a good time
Celebration
We're gonna celebrate
And have a good time
It's time to come together
It's up to you
What's your pleasure?
ALL: Everyone around the world Come on
Celebrate good times
Come on
UBERGONZO:
It's a celebration
[GRUNTING]
It's a celebration
Yeah.
[LAUGHS]
ALL: Celebrate good times Come on
Come on, Gonzo, I want
to see you up here on the stage!
Me?
ALIEN 1: Yeah, you, boy!
[HUMMING]
Look at him go, guys.
Look at him up there!
ALL: Celebrate good times
Come on
[ALL CHEERING]
ALIEN 1:
It's the Great Gonzo!
ALIEN 2:
This way.
Gonzo, it is time to take your
righteous place amongst your brothers.
Thanks...
Here you go.
UBERGONZO: By surviving and
thriving alone on this alien planet,
you have proven
yourself audacious,
courageous and
distinctly one of a kind.
We welcome you back
with our most
ceremonious of ceremonies.
What's that?
We gonna blow you up, baby.
[THE ISLEY BROTHERS'
"IT'S YOUR THING" PLAYING]
Yes, yes, yes! Ha-ha-ha!
[GASPS]
[LAUGHS]
[YELLS IN SPANISH]
I love these people! Whoa.
Coming down!
Cowabunga!
[GONZO LAUGHING]
Oh, no!
[CROWD CHATTERING]
Where's he gone?
Ta-da!
[CROWD CHEERING]
He's okay! He's all right.
Now, that is what I call
the Great Gonzo.
RIZZO:
It's so good to see you.
[LAUGHS]
Yee-ha!
[SCREAMING]
Yes! Yes!
SINGER:
Hold it!
Hold it.
Get out of the way, you freak.
[♪♪♪]
Very, very moving,
my little alien friend.
But I'm afraid your timing is off.
Now,
you're coming back with me
in my cement truck.
[ALIENS GIGGLING]
What's so funny?
[ALIENS LAUGHING]
SINGER:
Don't laugh at me.
Don't laugh...
All right.
I'll show you laughter!
No!
COMPUTER VOICE:
Please load weapon.
Please load weapon.
Please load weapon.
[ALIENS LAUGHING]
Come on. Come on.
Aah!
[LAUGHING CONTINUES]
Aah! Oh!
My toe!
This certainly is good!
That was a close one.
Not as close as you think,
my friend.
"Please load weapon. "
Ah.
[ALL LAUGHING]
[SOBBING]
We are honored to meet you.
A most extraordinary performance.
What are you talking about?
Gonzo of Earth, who is this most
entertaining friend of yours?
That's Ed.
Hi, Ed.
Hello, Ed.
The cape.
The cape!
The cape for Ed.
Ed, because of
your comic instincts,
we have chosen you
as ambassador to our planet.
You mean
you want me to go with you?
[♪♪♪]
To boldly go where
no man has gone before?
It would be our
great privilege, Ed.
Uh... May I call you Zongo?
Zongo.
Zongo.
To travel the stars
like a modern-day Magellan?
To be up there with John Glenn,
Neil Armstrong.
I think you better get going.
They're waiting for you.
Run along now.
This way, Zongo.
ALIENS:
Zongo. Zongo.
Baby steps, sir. Ha-ha.
Baby steps.
Time to beat feet.
Come along, little brother.
Oh. Oh, boy.
This is happening so fast.
Well, guys, you know,
I'm gonna miss you.
And I'll be thinking about you.
Rizzo, buddy...
No, no, not me.
I do not do goodbyes.
Well, I just want to tell you...
I just want you
to take care of yourself.
Don't worry about me. I...
[VOICE BREAKING]
I can always get another roommate.
Oh, buddy.
Take care.
You too.
And, Kermit,
you're the best friend
any alien could ask for.
Oh...
We love you, Gonzo.
Um...
So you'll write?
Oh. Yeah, sure, I'll write.
There's probably a mailbox
every couple of light-years.
Ha-ha. Yeah.
Adiós, Mr. Spaceman, okay.
Man, you keep saying goodbye,
and you'll never get home.
Oh, yeah. Home. Home.
Time to go home.
Ah. Ah-ah-ah.
[CRYING]
The stars beckon.
Shall we go home?
I don't think so.
Gonzo?
Thank you for going
to so much trouble to find me.
But I can't go.
I love these guys.
My life is here.
This is my home.
If that is your decision,
then we shall abide by it.
We will miss you.
So good luck, Gonzo.
Yes.
People of Earth, later.
Yes!
[LAUGHING AND CHATTERING]
Oh, boy.
Goodbye!
RIZZO: Ha-ha!
You're back! You're back!
People of Earth,
this is one small step for man
and one giant step for...
Forget it.
[CHATTERING]
[♪♪♪]
GONZO: What a great day.
KERMIT: Uh-huh.
GONZO: That was probably the
best day of my whole life.
There's one thing
I still don't understand.
KERMIT:
What's that, Gonzo?
GONZO: Why did they ask
me to build a Jacuzzi?
KERMIT:
Hmm.
[PEPE LAUGHING]
[EARTH, WIND & FIRE'S
"SHINING STAR" PLAYING]
[GEORGE CLINTON & PEPE'S
"FLASHLIGHT (SPACEFLIGHT)" PLAYING]
[PEPE SNORING]
[PEPE SPEAKS IN SPANISH]
[♪♪♪]
[CHUCKLES]
[GRUNTS]
ANIMAL:
Sorry!
KERMIT:
Hmm. Sheesh.
[♪♪♪]
[THUNDER CRASHING]
[♪♪♪]
[BIRDS SQUAWKING]
[GONZO PANTING]
[HORSE NEIGHS]
Hey, wait for me!
Hold the boat!
I'm coming!
Noah! Mr. The Ark! I'm here.
Barely made it. I thought
you were gonna leave without...
Oh. Oh. Gee, Mr. Noah, sir,
I'm gonna come too.
What are you, anyway?
Oh, uh... Good question.
Now, technically speaking, uh,
let's say, put me down
as a "whatever. "
What do you mean?
What is your species?
[STAMMERING]
I don't know.
I guess there's only one of me.
Then you are doomed!
Aah!
Wait. Wait! Oh.
[DOOR CREAKS]
Um...
Yes, sir?
You may need this.
[♪♪♪]
But, but, but...
Oh.
[THUNDER CRASHING]
Oh!
No! No! No!
I don't wanna be alone!
[SCREAMS]
[MUTTERING]
No, I don't wanna be alone.
No, no, no!
[RIZZO SCREAMS]
I don't wanna be alone!
RIZZO:
You're not alone.
Who said that?
RIZZO: Gee, I don't know. Maybe it's
the rat who's hanging out of the window!
[GRUNTS]
Rizzo?
No, it's Santa,
but I forgot my reindeer.
I'm sorry, Rizzo.
Yeah, right.
RIZZO:
Ah. Boy.
I had that weird dream again.
Oh, yeah? The one with the goat and
the dwarf and the jar of peanut butter?
No, it was the one where...
Forget it. You wouldn't understand.
I'd understand.
Come on, we're roommates.
Hey, hey, hey.
I'm here for you, man.
Okay. It's the one where
I'm talking to this Noah guy,
and he won't let me on his boat
because I'm all...
[RIZZO SNORING]
...alone.
[♪♪♪]
Good night, Rizzo.
[THE COMMODORES'
"BRICK HOUSE" PLAYING]
[CLUCKING]
[RINGING]
[WHISTLE BLOWING]
[BUZZING]
[RINGING]
[GRUNTING]
Morning.
[MUMBLING]
Aah.
Uh-Uh. Uh-uh.
[YAWNS]
[HUMMING]
[CHATTERING]
What? Hey, man!
[GRUNTING]
[SCREAMS]
[SQUAWKING]
Argh.
Argh.
[WATER SPLASHING]
Aah!
[BOTH GRUNTING]
[HUMMING]
[MUTTERING]
Oh! Mm.
[HUMMING]
[MOTOR REVVING]
[SCREAMING]
[ANIMAL THUDS]
[GRUNTING]
I do it all for you, ladies.
[GRUNTS]
[SQUAWKING]
[HUMMING]
[GRUNTING]
[GRUNTING]
Yah! Yah! Yah!
And scrunch.
Scrunch it. And right. And left.
And suck in
those tummies, ladies!
[GRUNTING]
Hmm?
Ah?
[ALL SINGING "BRICK HOUSE"]
That was fun. Way to get down
with your bad selves.
Pass the bagel.
Good morning, Rowlf.
ROWLF:
Good morning, Bob.
Huh. Good morning, everyone.
ALL: Morning.
[CHUCKLES]
Hello, little people!
What an absolutely splendid day!
[GROANING]
How are you, Piggy?
Oh. Late. I start my fabulous
new job today.
We megastar TV journalists
have to be punctual, you know.
TV journalist...?
Gotta run. Bye, Kermie.
Kissie, kissie. Ha-ha.
[PIGGY HUMMING]
Is breakfast over?
No, why?
Because I think
the bacon just ran out.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
The raspberry flapovers
will be out in a moment.
Uncle Kermit, what'll you do
now that you're on vacation?
Robin, as soon as I get
those housepainters started,
I'm gonna kick back and relax.
When will you fix the oven, okay?
What's wrong with the oven?
[EXPLOSION]
That.
[SPEAKING IN
FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
Popovers kaput!
I'll put it on the top of my list.
There is a menu correction,
okay.
We will now be serving
bologna sandwiches.
[ALL GRUMBLING]
But no bread.
Ew.
I'm already gone.
[CHATTERING]
[GONZO GROANS]
Hey, Gonzo. Aren't you performing
at that bar mitzvah today?
No. The Electric Mayhem's
covering for me.
Shalom.
[♪♪♪]
Aah. Aah. Oy.
But you never miss the chance
to shoot yourself out of a cannon.
Something wrong?
No.
Okay.
It's just that I'm sick and tired of
being a one-of-a-kind freak, that's all.
[♪♪♪]
Gonzo, you are not a one-of-a-kind
freak. You're a, uh...
Uh...
A whatever?
Well, yeah.
You see?
See what I mean? I don't even know
where I came from or who I am.
Yo, Kerm.
Hmm?
You weren't waiting for
some painters, were you?
Yeah.
They're driving away.
What?
Animal bit one of them.
Oh, no.
Wait, guys!
Don't let them go!
You know what you are, Gonzo?
What?
Distinct.
[CAR ENGINE STARTS]
Hey, wait, guys! He didn't mean it!
He's just a musician!
ANIMAL:
Musician, musician, musician!
[♪♪♪]
GONZO:
Distinct, huh?
More like extinct.
Oops.
[♪♪♪]
"Watch the sky"? Hey, hey!
[RIZZO HUMMING]
Rizzo, come here. I think my Kap'n
Alphabet is sending me a message.
I know what you mean.
I had some guacamole last night,
and it's still speaking to me. Ha-ha.
No, really. Look, look.
I'm not kidding.
Well, it was there just
a second ago.
I swear, Rizzo.
It said, "Watch the sky. "
Are you sure it didn't say,
"You need help"?
But, but...
Look, maybe you and your cereal
would like to be alone.
[GRUNTS]
Oh, boy.
[SIGHS]
RIZZO [SINGING]:
My bologna has a first name
It's O-S-C-A-R
[♪♪♪]
Cool.
Huh.
"R U there"?
Rizzo!
[♪♪♪]
[NARRATOR READING
ON-SCREEN TEXT]
[NARRATOR CHUCKLES]
General Luft, welcome.
I'm on a schedule.
What have you got?
Hard evidence.
We finally got them.
SINGER: Rentro.
Yes, sir?
The remote.
The goat?
The remote.
The remote.
I thought he said, "The goat. "
Over the past few months,
we have received
some unusual communications.
Communications, sir,
that are not of this Earth.
Really?
RENTRO: Incoming.
Ooh. Sorry about that, general.
Here's your remote.
Thank you, Rentro.
We believe that aliens are using
a contact on Earth
to plan their invasion.
Now, this same message,
"R U there,"
has appeared all over the world.
We've been lucky enough to
capture these instances on film.
The pyramid at Giza.
Stonehenge.
Okay, now this one says,
"R U three," but we believe that
to be a simple spelling error.
This could be vandalism,
a practical joke.
Now, you see that?
Ha-ha-ha.
That's what I said, general.
These photos are, uh... Um...
I'll just be over here then. Ahem.
Right this way, general.
When I plotted
these anomalies sequentially,
a pattern emerged.
[BLEEPING]
A spiral.
Do you see the spiral?
Sir, they are out there.
They are coming here.
Do you have any idea
what you have here, Singer?
Sir, I have an inkling.
Bubkes.
Bubkes?
Good day.
But, sir,
we have to take action now.
I hired you to find me an alien.
And you bring me doctored photos
and a spiral.
You are on thin ice, boy.
I gotta hand it to you, sir.
I thought your presentation
was just wonderful.
[CHEWING]
And, uh... Mm. Ahem.
Yeah.
[♪♪♪]
Whoop, there it is.
Roberta. Dolores. Mm. Ooh.
Shannanay.
[CHUCKLES]
Yo, Kerm,
what should I do with the bills?
Just leave them inside.
All right.
Hey, Gonzo, do you want your
new issue of Insanity Fair?
GONZO:
No, I'll get it later.
[DOGS BARKING IN DISTANCE]
What is he doing up there?
His breakfast cereal told him
to sit on the roof.
Ooh. Talk about whole-grain
and nuts.
[ALL LAUGHING]
[WIND WHISTLING]
[♪♪♪]
Huh.
Cool.
[SCREAMS]
[EARTH, WIND & FIRE'S
"SHINING STAR" PLAYING]
[YELLING]
Hey, yeah. Whoo!
Cool.
[IMITATES MOTOR REVVING]
[YELLS]
[LAUGHING]
Whoa!
This could be painful.
[LAUGHING]
It is. It is.
Gonzo! Mr. Gonzo.
Mr. Gonzo.
BOTH:
Greetings, Mr. Gonzo. Greetings!
Whoa. What are you guys?
Space fish?
We are cosmic knowledge fish.
We know many, many things.
Would you like some tea?
No, thanks.
Mr. Gonzo, your people have
been trying to reach you.
My people? Are they fish too?
BOTH:
No, no, no.
We're not the same as you.
We are highly evolved beings.
Now, if...
What was I saying?
My people?
Oh, yes.
Excellent.
You must mow the lawn if you wish
to find what you seek.
I should mow the lawn?
Mm.
A lawn that is cut
in your own words, Gonzo.
A message that can be seen
from space.
Space!
So trim it well.
Goodbye, Gonzo.
And may the fish be with you.
Thanks, guys,
for the cosmic knowledge.
Goodbye, Mr. Gonzo.
Bye! Goodbye!
[SCREAMS]
Oh!
[GROANING]
[LAUGHING]
That's it! Ha-ha-ha!
[CHIPS CLINKING]
PEPE: Come on, Rizzo. Time to bet, okay.
All right, prawn cracker.
I'll see your Maryland crab cakes,
and I'll raise you
a 1958 cheddar cheese,
never been sniffed.
[ALL CHUCKLE]
Crab cakes and cheese?
Can't beat that.
GONZO:
Hey, guys!
The cosmic fish have spoken to me.
I'm from outer space!
Yeah, yeah, that's great.
RIZZO: Pepe, are you in or out?
I'm in.
I'm an alien!
You been tap-dancing
on the barbecue?
No, no, Rizzo. I'm just fine.
[SCREAMS]
[GRUNTING]
Aah! My cards!
Somebody get a fire extinguisher!
Not my cards.
Oh, no, no, no.
Heh-heh-heh.
Gonzo, are you sure you're okay?
Yeah, absolutely.
But I have to respond.
Gotta make contact. Ah.
Where's he going with those keys?
Who cares? Flying saucer, maybe.
Dos deuces.
Huh?
The prawn cracker wins.
Pair of twos! I swear
I had four aces. I really did!
[SINGING]
You got to know when to hold it
RIZZO:
No, no, no!
Know when to fold it
Know when to walk...
[CAR ENGINE STARTING]
GONZO:
Ow!
[JAMES BROWN'S "GET UP
OFFA THAT THING" PLAYING]
[THUD, THEN CAT SCREECHES]
[SIREN WAILING]
[♪♪♪]
Just a few things
for today, sir.
Let's see. Here's a winner.
Your Platinum Buns workout tape.
Huh? Ha-ha-ha.
And, uh... Uh, let's see...
Ooh. That new satellite photo
is here,
my Captain Kangaroo pajamas...
What? What?
What satellite photo?
Uh-huh.
SINGER:
"I am here. "
Mowed in the lawn.
Who did this?
[MOTOR SPUTTERING]
[SNORING]
This is not good. Ugh.
No.
Poor guy. He's hallucinating.
Getting weird messages.
Hearing things.
He listens to voices
and does what they say.
Hold your horseshoes.
Huh?
[SNORTS]
I think I've got an idea.
You're scary.
Okay. Yeah.
I have to call Luft.
Ooh.
Wait. Careful.
Careful.
Baby steps.
Baby steps.
We need more evidence.
More evidence.
Remember, we're just watching.
Watching.
And waiting.
Waiting.
[SNORING]
PEPE [VOICE SHAKING]:
Build it and we will come.
Build what?
PEPE:
Build a Jacuzzi,
and we will come, okay.
Ha-ha.
Shh!
I'm up. I'm up.
[GRUNTS]
Must build Jacuzzi.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
Well done, pal.
[SPEAKS IN SPANISH]
[CHUCKLES]
[BRICK'S "DAZZ"
PLAYING OVER STEREO]
Put a little more paprika
on those, okay? Thank you.
Well, that's everything.
[RIZZO LAUGHS]
Whoa.
He built it.
And we came.
All right, now. Remember, I built
this new Jacuzzi for my alien family,
so no eating in the spa.
We gotta tell him the truth, Pepe.
You tell him
and I will smack you.
I will smack you like
a bad, bad donkey, okay.
Sal.
Yeah, Johnny.
There are no cannolis here.
Yeah, but try this cake.
This is a beauty.
That is nice. Would you...?
Gonzo, Gonzo!
GONZO: Go easy on the
buffet, fellas. I just want...
Who cut the cake?
Who cut the cake?
Who cut it?
What? Oh, look at that.
Who cut this cake?
That's awful, they would've...
I can't believe it. The guests
of honor aren't even here yet.
Hey, great party.
Yeah.
I just wish they'd get here.
SAL:
Hey, you! Did you cut Gonzo's cake?
I wonder if there really is life
on other planets.
What do you care?
You don't have a life on this planet.
[BOTH LAUGH]
[GROANS]
MAN [ON TV]: Earth, are you
ready? The Galaxy Channel presents:
UFO Mania Live, with close-encounter
expert Shelley Snipes.
Hello, I'm Shelley Snipes.
Coming up on UFO Mania Live,
I'll be taking a hard look
at some compelling new data.
Have you seen something in the sky
but were afraid to talk about it?
GONZO: I don't understand why
they didn't show up last night.
Well, perhaps we can
be of assistance.
I think we can help you contact
your alien brethren
by boosting your newly enhanced
conductivity.
Okay, Beakie. Let her rip.
Huh?
Mee-mee-ai. Whoo-hoo-hoo.
Hoo-hoo! Hoo-hoo!
Wait a minute.
I think I'm picking up a signal.
[YELLING]
SHELLEY: If you've had
contact with an alien,
or if you are an alien
and want to tell your story,
write to us or come to our studio.
SHELLEY [OVER SPEAKER]: Come to our
studio at 6577 Broadcast Lane now.
The mother ship
is calling me home!
[GASPS]
Ha-ha. Thanks, guys.
[GONZO LAUGHING]
The mother ship! It worked.
The mother ship!
[LAUGHS]
Beaker?
PEPE: You said you
going to tell him, okay.
Pepe, the Jacuzzi thing was your
idea, and you have to tell him.
Sí, I will tell him, okay.
Right.
GONZO: They're calling me!
Here he comes.
Hey, Gonzo.
I can't talk now, guys.
You should've told him.
I wasn't supposed to!
You said you'd tell him.
I said you. I meant you.
[JAMES BROWN'S "GET UP
OFFA THAT THING" PLAYING]
Hi, guys. I'm here.
I'll just leave the tractor
here in front, okay?
And that's the way it is.
This is Miss Piggy saying
good night, and have a great...
MAN:
Hey! Where's my coffee?
Uh, uh... I'm... Coming! Coming!
Coming! Coming.
I'll take one.
In a minute.
Light, no sugar.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Shelley's stuck at the airport.
She won't make it on time.
Okay, I am not gonna panic.
Who am I kidding? Yes, I am.
No, I'm not.
Okay, I'm panicking. Who can we
possibly get at the last minute? Who?
[PIGGY CLEARS THROAT]
Cappuccino?
[CHUCKLES]
WOMAN: Stand by, everybody.
MAN: Roll tape, please!
And cue I.D.
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS
ON SPEAKERS]
WOMAN:
We're on in five, four, three, two...
[MUSIC FADES OUT]
[GASPING]
Look! It's Piggy's new show.
Ahh...
[WHISPERING]
Read. Read.
Oh, oh, oh. Um... Um... "Hello
again. I'm Shelley Snipes. " Mm.
Uh... Uh... "Today on UFO Mania,
flying saucers
and their extraterrestrial pilots. "
Wish I could find my pants.
PEPE:
You should come to see this.
"I'm sure you've often wondered
what might those alien creatures
look like?"
[GONZO PANTING]
People of Earth, do not be alarmed.
My message will be brief.
I am Gonzo.
Gonzo?
Hmm? Uh... Piggy?
I don't have a Gonzo.
Ha-ha-ha. There seems to be
some mistake. Ha-ha-ha.
Dang.
You better get down there, Kerm.
Relax. No one
is going anywhere, okay?
You see, I was contacted through
my breakfast cereal,
and it was confirmed
to me by the cosmic fish,
that I am definitely
from outer space.
So you wanna go now
or wait for the commercial?
Now. Come on.
What are you doing here?
Huh?
I'm making contact.
What are you doing?
Um...
Interview him.
I'm interviewing...
I'm interviewing you!
GONZO:
Great! What would you like to know?
The whole tearful tale
of your inner struggle, Gonzo.
GONZO: Oh. I want my people to
know I've received their messages,
and my response is:
"I am here. "
"I am here. "
Bingo.
I'm at 44 Bronson Lane,
and I can't wait to meet you.
And I can't wait to meet you.
Me too. He's very charismatic,
don't you think?
Freeze that!
Ooh.
SINGER:
I want him here and I want him now.
RENTRO:
Yes, sir.
So you're our fancy little landscaper.
We're gonna take a break.
Oh, oh, oh! Ha-ha-ha. Yes. We are going to
pause here, and we'll be right back with Gonzo,
the geek who fell to Earth,
with moi, Miss...
And we're out.
Ninety seconds, folks.
[GROANS]
Now that is TV.
The phones are lighting up like Vegas.
What power, what heat. You're a hit!
Oh! Oh, thank you.
Not you. Him.
Huh?
Me?
You've got it.
Sure wish we could find a cure.
[♪♪♪]
Rizzo?
Gonzo?
Kermie?
Piggy?
What's going on?
Listen, aren't you taking
this alien thing a little too far?
Kermit, I realize that it may be hard
for you to accept me as an alien,
but I didn't choose to be one.
Well, I've always had
alien tendencies.
This just makes sense.
Beautiful, big G.
I see a follow-up episode here.
Me too.
"The Alien in My Life. "
A Miss Piggy special report.
What are you talking about?
You're the coffee pig.
Huh?
Ha-ha-ha.
Kermit, he's such a joker.
Ha-ha-ha.
AGENT:
We'll take this from here.
[♪♪♪]
We're with the Society for
the Prevention of Cruelty to Aliens.
We feel your pain, Gonzo.
They feel my pain.
I got a paper cut that's a
doozy. You feel my pain too?
Can you help me make contact
with my alien tribe?
Yes, we can, Gonzo.
Somebody believes me.
Come on, fellas.
Take me to my leader.
KERMIT: But, but... Gonzo.
But, but, but...
I don't like the look of them.
This rat smells a rat.
The limo's right this way.
Oh, oh. Ooh!
Did he say limo?
Wait, I'm his translator.
Wait!
You know this Gonzo, right?
Um... If the price is right.
The price?
Look,
I deliver Gonzo's exclusive
life story, okay,
if you make moi
your new anchorwoman.
WOMAN:
We're back in 15 seconds.
What about Shelley?
Shelley, shmelly.
Yes, yes! Go.
All right! Hey!
Oh! Excuse me.
Excuse me. Ho, ho, yo.
Ho, ho. Hey, studmuffin, hold it.
I'll deal with her.
[PIGGY CHUCKLES]
You'll deal with moi?
Look, chumpo, I'm just trying to
get a story.
How about this story?
It's about a big bad wolf
and a little pig.
No, that's three pigs, okay?
Not in this version.
Wait a minute. You're not part of
that alien-protection agency.
Who are you?
Where are you taking Gonzo?
Hai-ya!
I'm impressed.
[GRUNTS]
Black belt, third degree.
Hai-ya!
Platinum belt,
with an unlimited line of credit.
I like this party.
[GROWLING]
Tough guy. Tough guy!
[LAUGHS]
Come on. Show me!
Show me!
Look! Cindy Crawford. Hai-ya!
Huh?
[LAUGHS]
[GROANS, THEN LAUGHS]
Where have you been all my life?
[GRUNTING]
Is that all you got?
Is that all you got?
Is that all you got?
Is that all you got?
[YELLING]
Not the noogie!
Hey!
Unh!
[GROANS]
[YELLS]
Mama!
CROWD [CHANTING]:
Gonzo, Gonzo, Gonzo!
What the hey?
CROWD:
Gonzo, Gonzo, Gonzo!
There are no aliens here.
Only good, old-fashioned,
hard-working Americans.
[CLUCKING]
Good grief.
Now get off my Kentucky bluegrass.
Look! It's a little green man.
Excuse me, but what are
all you people doing here?
We were drawn here by the alien.
[CROWD CHATTERING]
Yuck.
AGENT: That's all I know.
So let me get this straight, now.
This government agency,
C.O.V.N.E.T., has abducted Gonzo,
and taken him
to its top-secret facility?
Yes, Miss Piggy.
Thank you.
You've been most helpful.
At last! A real story.
Intrigue, danger, new outfits.
And it's mine, mine, mine!
All mine!
[LAUGHS]
Come on. Please. You think
Ted Koppel never gets excited?
[GRUNTS]
RIZZO: So this is the car that
takes us to the limo, right? Oh!
Somebody should look
at those shocks.
At least they carried our stuff.
Don't hold your breath for a tip.
Oh! Heh-heh-heh.
Ahem.
As ambassador of Earth,
I welcome you.
Uh, yeah.
I'm Edgar,
but I want you to call me Ed.
That's Ed.
Oh, Ed.
And it's an honor
to meet you, Mr. Gonzo.
Yeah, yeah. Me too.
Hors d'oeuvres! Ha-ha-ha!
SINGER:
Please,
won't you sit?
Oh. Thanks. Ha-ha.
Careful, careful.
You'll get gas.
So when do we begin, Ed?
I'm very excited about all this.
Uh...
Me too, my friend.
Me too.
Yeah.
PIGGY:
Kermie, Kermie, Kermie!
Kermie! Yes! Yoo-hoo!
Kermie! Everybody!
Come here. Come here. Oh, oh, oh. Listen,
everyone, listen. I've got great news.
Gonzo has been kidnapped
by the government,
and it could be
a life-threatening situation!
How can that be great news?
Because...
I've got the story!
I've got the story!
Oh! I need to change. Something
that says journalistic integrity.
Oh! Oh! Oh! I've gotta pee.
Oh, brother.
Oh. What are we gonna do?
Okay, guys, it's up to us.
We have to save Gonzo from
a whole army of government agents.
Well, I have a joke book.
Drumsticks! Drumsticks!
I have some loose Jell-O, okay.
Okay. Well, that settles that.
In circumstances like this,
there's only one place to turn.
[ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]
[♪♪♪]
What do you got, Bunsen?
Oh. There you are.
Well, Mr. Kermit, here at Muppet
Labs, we've come up with many devices
that should aid you
in your covert operations.
Excellent.
This seemingly ordinary
rubber ducky
actually contains
invisibility spray.
However, the effect is,
sadly, temporary.
The old rubber-ducky-with-
invisibility-spray trick. Check.
And, Beaker, if you would.
Here is something that
we're very excited about.
BEAKER: Mee-mee!
"Door in a jar"?
Mee-mee-mee! Mee-mee!
That's absolutely right, Beakie.
All you do is open up the jar,
fling the contents
onto the wall, and poof!
Poof!
Instant door.
Wow. What is this?
A secret communication device?
No. That's Scotch tape.
Useful if something tears.
Ah.
PIGGY: Ahem.
ALL:
Ooh.
And what do you have for moi?
Ah.
Ooh.
Well, Miss Piggy, for you
we have Muppet Labs Mind Mist.
Simply spray it on the subject,
and they will obey
your every command.
[LAUGHS]
I dou... Ooh-ho!
Mee-mee-moo-hoo.
[GRUNTS]
I doubt I'll need any.
Okay, guys. Let's go get Gonzo.
RIZZO:
Yeah. Come on.
PEPE: We'll find him, okay.
Gonzo! Gonzo! Gonzo!
Yeah!
[♪♪♪]
I've been looking for
something like you
all my life.
And now, at last, my search
has come to an end.
May I?
Before you answer,
you better be clear
on the final destination
of that finger.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
Oh. Thanks.
Hmm.
No nostrils.
How do you smell?
Awful. Trust me,
I'm his roommate.
[BOTH LAUGH]
RIZZO:
That's a killer!
[ALL LAUGHING]
Don't...
laugh...
at me!
[GULPS]
[♪♪♪]
I hope I'm not imposing, but I thought
you were just great on TV.
Could I get your autograph?
Rentro?
Yes, sir?
It's not a good time.
This is probably not a good time.
Yeah. Ahem.
Forgive me my earthly manners.
But do you have any idea
what it's like
[CHUCKLES]
to be laughed at?
Yeah. Sure I do.
To be called names like "wacko"?
Uh-huh.
And "freak boy"?
Oh, yeah.
And "paranoid delusional
psychopath"?
Got me there.
To feel
completely alone
in this world?
Yeah. I think we're starting to get
the general idea there, Ed.
Yeah.
[♪♪♪]
It's wrestling legend
Hollywood Hulk Hogan?
Have the rat sent down
to Dr. Tucker for some tests.
Tests? But I haven't studied. I
don't even have a number-two pencil.
This is for
all my NWO-ites out there.
I will continue to dominate wrestling.
I'll make your back crack, your knees
freeze and your liver quiver.
I will continue to put so much pain
on you, you'll become my "painiac. "
SINGER:
Hollywood.
Would you mind? The rat.
Oh, yeah.
RIZZO: Oh...
Where you going with my friend?
RIZZO: What'll your fans think?
Hey, what you gonna do?
I'm a bad guy now.
Gonzo! Gonzo, help me!
No, no! Ah!
Rizzo!
Shh-shh-shh.
He's going to be fine.
[RIZZO SCREAMING]
RIZZO:
Ow!
Huh?
[GRUNTING]
Yo.
[♪♪♪]
How you doing? I'm Bubba.
Hey. Rizzo. Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you.
How'd you like to meet the boys?
Uh... Sure. Heh.
Up there, that's Fast Eddie,
harmonica extraordinaire.
How you doing, Ed?
Well, I ain't dead.
Over here's Troy.
Yeah, hi.
This back here,
that's Shakes.
Hi. Hello.
How you doing? Welcome.
They're doing a new
caffeine substitute on him.
That's the Birdman.
Where are you? Gladys?
He don't bother nobody.
Been here forever.
[GRUNTING]
Gladys! Come on,
the guys are watching.
He just likes to hang out with
his birds. Know what I mean?
So that about does it for all
of us here at Medical Research.
[GRUNTING]
Medical Research?
Yeah.
But that would mean we're
lab rats!
RIZZO:
Gonzo, get me out of here!
SINGER:
Now, Mr. Gonzo.
Hm?
What can you tell me about these?
Whoa. They really have been
looking for me.
SINGER:
And they are coming to Earth?
GONZO:
I don't know.
SINGER: How many are there?
GONZO: I don't know.
When will they be here?
And don't you dare tell me
that you don't know.
Uh... I know not?
[GRUNTS]
But maybe I could find out?
Could you?
Okay.
Well...
Okay, then.
I'll keep in touch. Thanks.
Oh. Heh. So back to the limo?
It's a shame, really.
Huh?
I really need that information.
So I'm afraid
we'll have to perform
an invasive quadra-lobal
brain probe on you
and pluck it from your head.
The information?
No, your brain. Take him away.
What?
My brain?
But just a second. I...
Where are you taking me?
SINGER: Rentro, get General Luft.
I need my brain!
I need my brain!
[♪♪♪]
Hey, Fozzie, tell me again.
Why are we doing this?
To save Gonzo.
Gonzo! Gonzo! Gonzo!
Right. Because Gonzo's
one of us.
No matter what happens, no matter
what obstacles we face,
we never forget one of our own.
PIGGY: I love it when you take charge.
Hey!
We left Bunsen and Beaker
back at the gas station.
Okay. Well, uh...
From now on,
no matter what happens,
we never forget
one of our own.
That's right.
Hmm.
Cheese Twiddle?
Is this movie time or something?
Oh, no.
So you're the new guy.
From this moment on, if I say
you're hungry, you eat.
If I say you're sleepy...
I eat?
Oh, you shouldn't have...
Well, well, well.
We got a funny boy here.
Is that bad?
Very bad.
Looks like funny boy's
going to the maze.
Since we don't want funny boy
to get lonely,
you'll all do time
in the maze.
I'm sorry. I didn't know.
See, no one's ever escaped
from the maze, funny boy.
Even if you did,
it's four feet to the ground,
12 feet to the door
and four feet to the doorknob.
That's 18 feet.
Twenty.
Funny thing about doorknobs:
Rats can't turn them.
No opposable thumb.
[LAUGHING]
[THE O'JAYS' "SURVIVAL"
PLAYING]
[YELLS]
This is ridiculous.
No, no.
Hey, Riz, watch out
for them red circles.
RIZZO: Yeah? What's wrong
with the red...? Aah!
Nobody ever listens.
Red circles. Right.
[COUGHS]
Now, let me see.
Cheese, rat poison.
Cheese, rat poison. Duh.
What do you guys think, I'm crazy?
This is a no-brainer.
This ain't so bad.
A little breezy. Oh, boy.
Whoa. Whoa. Whoa!
Auntie Em! Auntie Em, it's a twister!
This is just like
one of those carny rides.
You just gotta hang on, and at
the end I get some cotton candy.
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
[SCREAMING]
I'm gonna hurl!
You're just trying
to play mind games here.
But I know the cheese is safe,
because you think I'm going
for the poison, right? Huh? Huh?
[GRUNTS]
[MOANS]
Psst.
Huh?
Room service.
[LAUGHS]
[LAUGHS]
Hey there, little fella.
How you doing?
While they're warming up the brain
sucker, I brought you a sandwich.
And I cut off the crusts there
for you. There you go.
Oh. Gee, that's nice. Thanks.
Anything for a celebrity.
Ha, ha, ha.
Oh. Hey.
Do you like jalapeños?
Sure.
Okay.
[SINGING] Jalapeños Jalapeños
[SIGHS]
Hey, mopey!
Aah!
Who said that?
I did.
But you're just a sandwich.
I'm channeling my voice through this
sandwich to deliver this message.
Great! What's the message?
Ahem.
We arrive at midnight tonight.
Really? And do all of you
look like sandwiches?
Forget about the sandwich!
I'm sorry.
[SINGING] Jalapeños, jalapeños
Getting my friend some jalapeños
SANDWICH: So here's the plan:
We're landing at your house.
No, no, wait.
Those guys know where I live.
And they're not the best
examples of earthlings.
Gosh, where else can we land?
Let's see, uh...
I know! At the beach.
Go to Cape Doom.
Just look for the lighthouse.
SANDWICH:
The lighthouse at Cape Doom it is.
Oh, boy. I didn't hear that.
I didn't hear that.
This is great.
But how do I get out of here?
Hey, I'm just a sandwich.
Some things you gotta
figure out for yourself.
By the way, you go ahead
and eat me now.
You're gonna need the energy.
Ah.
But won't that hurt?
No, it's fine. I'm going away now.
Oh. Hmm.
Cape Doom, right?
Yes, Cape Doom.
Are you there?
Hello? Hello? Huh.
[DOOR OPENS]
[SCREAMS]
[♪♪♪]
KERMIT:
Just a little further up.
Stop, Fozzie. Stop here. Fozzie.
FOZZIE: That's it.
ALL:
Whoa!
FOZZIE:
Sorry.
[♪♪♪]
[GRUNTS AND PANTS]
Psst. Animal.
Huh? Sorry.
Stand back, boys.
This is a job for a woman.
Woman. Woman. Wo...
KERMIT: Shh.
Hello.
What's a nice man like you doing
in a guardhouse like this?
I'm buffalo hunting.
What's it look like I'm doing?
This is a restricted area.
You gotta go.
Oh, no.
Look deeply into my eyes
and tell me you want me to go.
I want you to go.
Understand?
Now!
Okay. Ahem.
I thought I...
What was I saying?
You were saying you were
going to open the gate. Ha-ha-ha.
Open the gate. Open the gate.
Of course, open the gate.
Come on in. Welcome.
Come on, guys!
FOZZIE: Oh, boy.
Tell me I'm beautiful, sweetheart.
You are beautiful, sweetheart.
Thank you.
[LAUGHS]
He fell on you
like a ton of bricks, okay.
[SPEAKS IN FRENCH]
GUARD:
Have a nice time.
I like your tie. Very nice.
Thank you.
So long.
Bye-bye!
Bye-bye.
Ha-ha-ha.
What a handsome family.
Ow. Ow. Ow.
Hey, rodents.
Huh?
You know the cheese
I promised you
after you ran that maze
and took those tests?
RATS:
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It was delicious.
[LAUGHING]
No cheese?
No cheese?!
All right! That does it!
We're busting out of this joint, boys.
Riz, even if we got over the wall,
we couldn't turn the doorknob.
Yeah.
Who needs doorknobs?
Doh.
[CHUCKLES]
Huh? Huh? Huh?
Yeah. Yeah.
Shh!
Very nice.
Heh, heh, heh.
He likes it!
[♪♪♪]
KERMIT: Guys, we gotta
get through that door.
Should we just ask permission from
those nice men with the rifles?
Fozzie, those are the bad guys.
Oh.
All right.
It's time to get invisible.
Fozzie, get the duck.
Hmm?
Yes, sir.
Duckie.
Here goes.
[DUCK SQUEAKING]
I look thinner.
KERMIT: Now spray yourself.
Okay.
[SQUEAKING]
FOZZIE:
Hey, I like this.
KERMIT: All right, lose the duck.
FOZZIE: Yes, sir.
KERMIT: Listen up, guys. This stuff
doesn't last long, so let's go.
PEPE: Let's go.
PIGGY: Yes, yes.
KERMIT: Ugh! You're squashing me.
PIGGY: Sorry, Kermie.
PEPE: Come on. I will help you up, okay.
Kermit, you're so soft and plump.
PIGGY: You got one second to
get your hands off me, shrimp.
PEPE:
Ooh. Sorry, Piggy.
KERMIT:
Come on, guys, let's go. Shh-shh.
FOZZIE:
I have to go to the little bear's room.
KERMIT:
Oh, Fozzie.
[♪♪♪]
PEPE:
Smoking is very bad for you, okay.
Bob,
didn't know you cared.
WOMAN [OVER PA]: Paging Dr. Van Neuter.
Please report to Alien Surgery number five.
Hello.
I'm Dr. Van Neuter.
I'll be your brain surgeon today,
if you don't mind.
Get it? "Brain surgeon"?
"Mind"?
[LAUGHS]
Ugh.
Feeling a little nervous, are we?
Of course I'm nervous.
Everyone is before having
their brain sucked out.
Now, don't you go away.
[SIGHS]
[GRUNTS]
[TOILET FLUSHING]
FOZZIE:
Okay, Kermit. I'm ready.
KERMIT: Fozzie, tell me
you didn't wash your hands.
FOZZIE: Of course I did. Mom
said, "Always wash your hands. "
KERMIT: Not when you're
wearing invisibility spray.
FOZZIE:
Mom said, "No exceptions. "
Never, ever. Uh-uh.
What the...? Stop! You!
Hands up!
All right, remain calm.
I'm gonna have to take
you two into custody.
FOZZIE:
Wait. Let me explain, lady.
No. Wait a minute. Where...?
Lady, can I...? Let me explain.
GUARD:
Where are your forearms?
[ANIMAL GROWLING]
Ah!
ANIMAL: Woman!
KERMIT:
Animal! Animal, get back here!
ANIMAL: Woman! Woman! Woman!
KERMIT: Animal!
Give me a second to think.
He doesn't seem to be on this floor.
[CHUCKLES]
Oh-ho-ho!
[HUMMING]
Wow.
I should go change, okay.
Come on, everybody.
We need to find better cover.
[PEPE HUMMING]
Just up ahead here,
General Luft, sir.
There we go.
Ah. This is our new
retinal scanner, general.
[MUMBLES]
[CHUCKLES THEN
CLEARS THROAT]
[BEEPING
AND RENTRO GRUNTING]
[GROANING]
General Luft, sir.
This had better be good.
Whoa.
BUBBA:
Come on, let's go. Shh.
Ooh.
Hey, Riz. Where's Riz?
Where you going?
Listen. You guys go ahead.
I gotta go find my friend.
What? You could get caught.
What are you, nuts?
I guess I'll take my chances.
It was nice meeting you guys.
See you later.
[CHATTERING]
SHAKES:
So long, Riz.
TROY:
Bye, Rizzo. Good luck.
Kid's got moxie.
SHAKES: Yeah, moxie.
What is moxie?
Let's see here.
Have you ever experienced
any achiness in your tentacles?
I don't have tentacles.
Good, no achy tentacles. Good.
Head ever come off?
No, I don't think so.
Good, good, good.
Any gingivitis?
No.
Great.
How about that beaky thing you've got
there, ever had problems with that?
Itching, swelling, flaking?
Some flaking a couple years ago...
Who cares?
It's showtime!
[HUMMING]
Here we go.
Oh, brother.
Excellent, excellent.
[HUMMING]
Whoa, whoa.
What's that thing?
I don't know. Here we go.
Here we go.
Just stay like that.
Okay.
[MUPPETS GRUNTING]
This way.
PIGGY:
Whose bright idea was this, anyway?
FOZZIE: Which way, Kermit?
Kermin! Kermin!
This way.
Mm-hm.
PIGGY:
I can't breathe in here.
Come on.
Here we go.
Wait, wait.
What is it?
Are you sure
this is covered by my HMO?
Oh. Good question. I'll check.
[MACHINE TURNS OFF]
Psst. Gonzo.
Rizzo. You're alive.
Where have you been?
You don't want to know. Sit tight
while I chew through these straps.
Yeah, yeah.
Okay.
Good news. You're covered
with a $10 co-pay.
Okay, hold still.
And remember, if you experience any
unpleasantness, please let me know.
I'd hate to miss it.
Hmm? Hmm?
Do you mind?
Oh. Excuse me.
Wait!
Oh, good Lord! A rat!
I hate rats!
Then today
ain't your lucky day, doc.
[WHIMPERS, THEN SCREAMS]
Ready for an operation?
A little experiment.
PEPE:
Forward, Piggy. Forward.
[HUMMING]
Doctor.
Doctor.
Doctor.
Oh. Doctor.
Doctor.
Just a couple of doctors.
Doctors in the hallway.
Whew.
That was close.
[MACHINE WHIRRING
AND GONZO SCREAMS]
To the right, Fozzie.
Forward, Piggy.
PEPE: Too fast, too
fast. The door. Stop!
[GONZO YELLING]
What in the world?
This is big, general. I think
we should notify the president.
I'll be the judge of that.
As always, sir.
No, don't tickle me! Ha-ha-ha.
What do we do?
PIGGY:
Will you please get me out of here?
[GRUNTING]
[VAN NEUTER LAUGHING]
VAN NEUTER:
No, no, no!
I can't breathe!
Ha-ha-ha.
Hey, guys.
Quick, get me out of here!
Today, sir,
we must think with a big mind.
Behold.
Irrefutable evidence
of extraterrestrial life.
Release me...
[VAN NEUTER GROANS]
Oh...
This looks worse than it is, general.
Obviously, the...
Oh! Get off of me, you vermin!
The alien is loose in the building.
But not to worry, because...
Don't bother.
You're terminated.
Uh...
When you say "terminated"...
You need help, Singer!
Find some!
[RENTRO CLICKS TONGUE]
Mm.
Well, how'd that
go for you, then? Okay?
So sorry I got you into this mess.
Thanks for coming to save me.
You can thank us once
we're out of here.
All right, quietly now.
Shh.
GUARD:
Stop! Come back here!
ANIMAL:
Help! Mommy!
Please, please.
Listen to me.
You can't leave me.
I need you.
ALL:
Ooh.
[GRUNTS]
I go now.
Fine. Go on, go.
You're all alike.
Animals.
[SOBBING]
Ugh.
Call me.
GONZO:
Psst. Animal. Animal!
Come here.
Way to go, Romeo.
Now let's get out of here.
Let's go, let's go.
I'm gonna kill somebody.
Whoa. Now, now.
Remember, calm blue ocean.
You let it go.
Baby steps, remember? Baby...
Find the alien!
Now!
Yes, sir.
[EARTH, WIND & FIRE'S
"GETAWAY" PLAYING]
[MEN YELLING]
[ALL SCREAMING]
Try that door.
It won't budge!
Forget that door. Come on!
[MUPPETS GASP]
This way!
Fozzie, quick!
The door in a jar.
It's right here.
Yeah, yeah.
Um, "Open jar away
from face. "
Will you please
just open the jar?
Hurry, Fozzie.
Come on, throw it!
That's disappointing.
Perfect. Somebody knock
and see if Barbie's home.
Works for me. Adios.
What?
I cannot believe that
little shrimp left us behind.
I am not a shrimp.
I am a king prawn.
Let's go, let's go! Come on!
[MUPPETS SCREAMING]
Hurry, hurry! Come on, guys, hurry!
Come on! Ah!
[DOOR LOCKS]
KERMIT: Keep going, everybody.
Don't look back. Run!
GUARD: Did you have a good time?
KERMIT: Thank you.
Bye-bye.
ANIMAL: Bye-bye, nice man.
[ANIMAL CHUCKLES]
[ALARM BLARING]
What the heck is going on?
GONZO: We did it!
KERMIT: See that?
When we pull together,
we can do anything.
Now we can go meet my alien
brothers at Cape Doom.
Um, ahem. What makes you think
that aliens are landing there, Gonzo?
Oh, a sandwich told me.
Oh, no.
RIZZO: I'd give it a
rest there, buddy, huh?
Do you mean that you guys
still don't believe me?
Well...
All right, fine. Stop the bus.
I'll get there by myself.
No, no. Wait, Gonzo.
Wait. Look.
It doesn't matter what we believe.
If you believe that you need
to go and meet your alien brothers,
then I say...
Well, I say we're going to the beach.
Right, guys?
The beach, okay.
To the beach.
Great!
Beach ball! Beach ball!
Get the crew to Cape Doom
on the double.
And look, this is my exclusive,
so don't tell anyone.
I got it.
Pack it up, guys! The spaceship
is landing at Cape Doom!
[CROWD YELLING]
[MOTORCYCLE REVVING]
SINGER:
Where is he?
Well, I didn't
overhear anything...
Did I ask you
if you overheard anything?
No, sir.
Because if you did
overhear anything,
I'm sure you would tell me.
Yes, sir.
Or do I have to remind you
of Mr. Jumbo's Circus Town
and Wild Animal Revue?
[MOANING]
Where's he going?
Oh, look.
Sunday's half price
at the petting zoo.
Okay, okay!
They're going to Cape Doom.
Good, good.
Get me the subatomic
neutro-destabilizer.
Hmm?
The subatomic neutro...
The really big gun.
The really big gun. Yes, sir.
The really big gun.
[CHUCKLES]
Really big gun.
Clip.
RENTRO:
Clip!
Wow.
Let's head for my car.
Oh, uh... Problem there, sir.
Ahem. Uh...
Remember those parking tickets
you asked me to take care of for you?
And I said that...
Oh, just say it.
Car's impounded.
[♪♪♪]
Ooh! We can take
my company car.
Fine.
Great.
RENTRO [SINGING]: Sixty-six bottles of
beer on the wall Sixty-six bottles of beer
SINGER:
Excuse me.
Excuse me!
Can this thing go any faster?
RENTRO:
I'm doing 30.
MAN: You want to slow down there, buddy?
RENTRO: A lot of traffic
tonight, sir. Safety first.
[BILLY PRESTON'S
OUTA-SPACE" PLAYING]
[CROWD CHEERING]
CROWD [CHANTING]:
Gonzo! Gonzo! Gonzo!
[CROWD CHEERING]
What's with all these
crazy people?
Can I help it if moi
has such devoted fans?
[LAUGHS]
Ugh.
CROWD: Gonzo! Gonzo! Gonzo!
RIZZO:
All right, everybody, back off!
Make way!
Let His Royal Weirdness through.
PEPE:
Everybody be cool.
Stay back. Be cool, okay.
CROWD
Gonzo! Gonzo! Gonzo!
Get your Gonzo T-shirts right here.
Ten bucks!
[BUNSEN CHUCKLES]
Goodbye, Rainbow,
and stay groovy.
Hmm. Got cold.
Yeah. Sure did.
PIGGY: Midnight. The lone
alien stands before a naked sky.
The mood is tense.
My hair looks great.
SHELLEY: What?
I don't believe this.
Oh.
Shelley.
You backstabbing,
underhanded little coffee pig.
What?
SHELLEY: This is my show!
My story, my microphone.
Shelley Snipes reporting.
Please ignore the little sow.
Disregard this woman. I...
[SCREAMS]
Hai-ya!
Unh!
[YELLS]
[PIGGY GRUNTING]
[PIGGY & SHELLEY GRUNTING]
What am I doing?
Um...
You are about to give me your job
and get everyone here coffee.
Oh, yes. Of course.
Right away. Oh.
I love this stuff.
RIZZO:
How you doing?
Excuse me, buddy.
And a happy Halloween to you
as well.
Oh, oh, oh.
Aah!
Riz, it's all right.
Take it easy.
Yeah, yeah.
What do you mean, it's all right?
You don't understand. We let
him slide, and he gave us a ride.
Yeah, yeah.
I love all my new rat friends now.
Come on. Who wants this
next marshmallow?
Can you believe that?
Look at that.
Hey, fellas.
Look who's here over here.
Rizzo!
Hey, buddy!
It's too bad Dawson
isn't here for this.
Tell me about it. This whole situation
is like one of his sci-fi movies.
But this is a Muppet movie.
It's much more realistic,
and romantic, okay.
Right.
What's your deal?
Are you an alien or something?
No, baby.
Me and Gonzo are very tight.
We'll be chilling
in our hot tub later on.
Perhaps you'd like
to partake in the party.
Geeks.
All right. Don't answer right away.
We'll be here.
Oh, she'll be back.
[♪♪♪]
One a. m.
The alien is still
standing over there.
My hair still looks great.
One can only wonder
what Gonzo's feeling right now.
They're not coming.
Well, maybe they're
just running late.
It's a no-show. It's a no-show.
MAN 1:
What?
Hey, wait a second.
I believed you, man.
Yeah. I stayed up
all night dancing,
and didn't study for finals
because of you.
I'm cold. Come on, let's go.
[CROWD CHATTERING]
MAN 2:
Yeah, whatever.
MAN 3:
I'm out of here.
[GASPS]
Look!
[CROWD CHATTERING]
[♪♪♪]
[GASPS]
[GASPS]
Oh...
[AIR HISSING]
[CROWD MURMURING]
Boy.
They're really tiny.
But tiny's not a bad thing, right?
Uh... No. Tiny's good.
Wait a minute. We came out here in the
middle of the night for a stupid egg?
Shh! It could be full
of chocolate, okay.
[CROWD GASPING]
[♪♪♪]
Shoot it! Shoot it!
Hokey pokey.
Please, big boss.
I never disobeyed my mother.
And I never carried the plague.
Not even once! Oh.
[♪♪♪]
Are you okay, Gonzo?
Great. Never felt better.
[♪♪♪]
Let the one who is called Gonzo
step forward.
That's me!
[STAMMERS]
I'm Gonzo.
Step a little closer.
Come a little further forward.
Ooh. Could you lean into the light.
There you go.
Lean in a little further.
A little further. Yeah.
Oh, that's him!
[GRUNTS]
ALIEN 1 [ON PA]:
Gonzo.
Many zotons ago,
you were lost to us.
We've come a long way looking
for you, little brother.
[GASPS]
We know of but one way
to express our happiness
at having found you.
[KOOL & THE GANG'S "CELEBRATION"
PLAYING ON SPEAKERS]
[LAUGHS]
[SINGING] Now there's a
party going on Right here
Right here
A celebration
That's my family! That's my family!
So bring your good times
And your laughter too
We're gonna celebrate
Your party with you
Come on, now
Celebration
Let's all celebrate
And have a good time
Celebration
We're gonna celebrate
And have a good time
It's time to come together
It's up to you
What's your pleasure?
ALL: Everyone around the world Come on
Celebrate good times
Come on
UBERGONZO:
It's a celebration
[GRUNTING]
It's a celebration
Yeah.
[LAUGHS]
ALL: Celebrate good times Come on
Come on, Gonzo, I want
to see you up here on the stage!
Me?
ALIEN 1: Yeah, you, boy!
[HUMMING]
Look at him go, guys.
Look at him up there!
ALL: Celebrate good times
Come on
[ALL CHEERING]
ALIEN 1:
It's the Great Gonzo!
ALIEN 2:
This way.
Gonzo, it is time to take your
righteous place amongst your brothers.
Thanks...
Here you go.
UBERGONZO: By surviving and
thriving alone on this alien planet,
you have proven
yourself audacious,
courageous and
distinctly one of a kind.
We welcome you back
with our most
ceremonious of ceremonies.
What's that?
We gonna blow you up, baby.
[THE ISLEY BROTHERS'
"IT'S YOUR THING" PLAYING]
Yes, yes, yes! Ha-ha-ha!
[GASPS]
[LAUGHS]
[YELLS IN SPANISH]
I love these people! Whoa.
Coming down!
Cowabunga!
[GONZO LAUGHING]
Oh, no!
[CROWD CHATTERING]
Where's he gone?
Ta-da!
[CROWD CHEERING]
He's okay! He's all right.
Now, that is what I call
the Great Gonzo.
RIZZO:
It's so good to see you.
[LAUGHS]
Yee-ha!
[SCREAMING]
Yes! Yes!
SINGER:
Hold it!
Hold it.
Get out of the way, you freak.
[♪♪♪]
Very, very moving,
my little alien friend.
But I'm afraid your timing is off.
Now,
you're coming back with me
in my cement truck.
[ALIENS GIGGLING]
What's so funny?
[ALIENS LAUGHING]
SINGER:
Don't laugh at me.
Don't laugh...
All right.
I'll show you laughter!
No!
COMPUTER VOICE:
Please load weapon.
Please load weapon.
Please load weapon.
[ALIENS LAUGHING]
Come on. Come on.
Aah!
[LAUGHING CONTINUES]
Aah! Oh!
My toe!
This certainly is good!
That was a close one.
Not as close as you think,
my friend.
"Please load weapon. "
Ah.
[ALL LAUGHING]
[SOBBING]
We are honored to meet you.
A most extraordinary performance.
What are you talking about?
Gonzo of Earth, who is this most
entertaining friend of yours?
That's Ed.
Hi, Ed.
Hello, Ed.
The cape.
The cape!
The cape for Ed.
Ed, because of
your comic instincts,
we have chosen you
as ambassador to our planet.
You mean
you want me to go with you?
[♪♪♪]
To boldly go where
no man has gone before?
It would be our
great privilege, Ed.
Uh... May I call you Zongo?
Zongo.
Zongo.
To travel the stars
like a modern-day Magellan?
To be up there with John Glenn,
Neil Armstrong.
I think you better get going.
They're waiting for you.
Run along now.
This way, Zongo.
ALIENS:
Zongo. Zongo.
Baby steps, sir. Ha-ha.
Baby steps.
Time to beat feet.
Come along, little brother.
Oh. Oh, boy.
This is happening so fast.
Well, guys, you know,
I'm gonna miss you.
And I'll be thinking about you.
Rizzo, buddy...
No, no, not me.
I do not do goodbyes.
Well, I just want to tell you...
I just want you
to take care of yourself.
Don't worry about me. I...
[VOICE BREAKING]
I can always get another roommate.
Oh, buddy.
Take care.
You too.
And, Kermit,
you're the best friend
any alien could ask for.
Oh...
We love you, Gonzo.
Um...
So you'll write?
Oh. Yeah, sure, I'll write.
There's probably a mailbox
every couple of light-years.
Ha-ha. Yeah.
Adiós, Mr. Spaceman, okay.
Man, you keep saying goodbye,
and you'll never get home.
Oh, yeah. Home. Home.
Time to go home.
Ah. Ah-ah-ah.
[CRYING]
The stars beckon.
Shall we go home?
I don't think so.
Gonzo?
Thank you for going
to so much trouble to find me.
But I can't go.
I love these guys.
My life is here.
This is my home.
If that is your decision,
then we shall abide by it.
We will miss you.
So good luck, Gonzo.
Yes.
People of Earth, later.
Yes!
[LAUGHING AND CHATTERING]
Oh, boy.
Goodbye!
RIZZO: Ha-ha!
You're back! You're back!
People of Earth,
this is one small step for man
and one giant step for...
Forget it.
[CHATTERING]
[♪♪♪]
GONZO: What a great day.
KERMIT: Uh-huh.
GONZO: That was probably the
best day of my whole life.
There's one thing
I still don't understand.
KERMIT:
What's that, Gonzo?
GONZO: Why did they ask
me to build a Jacuzzi?
KERMIT:
Hmm.
[PEPE LAUGHING]
[EARTH, WIND & FIRE'S
"SHINING STAR" PLAYING]
[GEORGE CLINTON & PEPE'S
"FLASHLIGHT (SPACEFLIGHT)" PLAYING]
[PEPE SNORING]
[PEPE SPEAKS IN SPANISH]
[♪♪♪]