Muppets Most Wanted (2014) - full transcript

(CHEERY WHISTLING)

MAN: And cut!
(EXCITED CHATTER)

Wow. That was so amazing!
Walter, you did
a wonderful job.

Thank you, Kermit.
Did we get that?

MISS PIGGY: We got it.
We got it, yup.

Movie's over, people.
Go home. That is a wrap.

Okay, nice work, everyone.

Make sure to fill out
your I-9s,

and we'll see you
on the next one.

(SIGHS)

So, uh...



What do we do now?

Well, we're together again.

We got the theater
and all our fans are back.
Yeah!

(CRICKETS CHIRPING)

Actually, those were extras.

I saw a few
tapping their toes.

Yeah, those were paid dancers.

Oh.
MISS PIGGY: Or...

Maybe since we're all here,

now could be the perfect time
for you and me
to tie the knot, Kermie!

(STAMMERING)
Well, I mean,
maybe I could.

Hey, what's the camera
still doing here?

Oh, no. Disaster!
That can only mean one thing.

Doggone it, you're right!
Mmm-hmm.



It looks like
they've ordered a sequel.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

♪ We're doing a sequel

♪ We're back
by popular demand

♪ Come on, everybody
strike up the band!

♪ We're doing a sequel

♪ That's what we do
in Hollywood

♪ And everybody knows

♪ That the sequel's
never quite as good

♪ A sequel
Another feature attraction

♪ Places, please
Light the lights
Roll camera, "Action!"

♪ I thought it was the end

♪ But no, my friends,
this is when

♪ We get to do it all again!

♪ Do it all again

♪ Until the credits roll

♪ We got another go
to show them

♪ We can do it all again!

(CLUCKING)

♪ We're doing a sequel
There's no need to disguise

♪ The studio considers us
A viable franchise

♪ We're doing a sequel
The studio wants more

♪ While they wait
for Tom Hanks

♪ To make Toy Story 4!

♪ I thought it was the end

♪ But no, my friends,
this is when

♪ We get to do it all again!

♪ Do it all again!

♪ Until the credits roll

♪ We've got another go
to show them

♪ We can do it all again!

(SQUAWKING)

♪ We're doing a sequel

♪ Let's give it a go

♪ With Hollywood stars

♪ And more one-liner cameos

♪ We're doing a sequel

♪ I don't mean
to be a stickler

♪ But this is
the seventh sequel

♪ To our original
motion picture

MUPPETS:
♪ We're doing a sequel

(SCREAMING)

♪ Let's give it a shot

♪ All we need now
is a half-decent plot

Got it. An epic love story

between a very handsome,
long-nosed purple thing

and a beautiful chicken.
(CLUCKS)

Gonzo with the Wind.

Does anybody
have any other ideas?

Oh! Oh! It's about
getting the Muppets
back together again

to stop an evil oil baron

from demolishing
the old studio!

Fozzie, did you
even watch our last film?

It's about a frog

who marries a beautiful,
perfect pig.

And they have to
kiss each other a lot!

Uh...

(SPEAKING MOCK SWEDISH)

How about a film about
the existential conundrum

of religious faith?

I don't think Americans
watch subtitled films. (SIGHS)

Kermit, how about the Muppets
go on a world tour?

That's perfect!

MUPPETS:
♪ I thought it was the end

♪ But no, my friends,
this is when

♪ We get to do it all again!

♪ Until the credits roll

♪ We've got another go
to show them

♪ We can do it all again!

♪ We're doing a sequel

♪ It's more of the same
Let's give it a name

♪ How about
The Muppets Again?

♪ It's The Muppets again
With The Muppets Again

♪ It's the

♪ Muppets

♪ Again! ♪

Okay?
ZUCCHINI BROTHER: I'm okay!

Okay! Ha-ha!

Booma-booma!

BOTH: Booma-booma! Hep!

Hey! Pepperoni!
(WHOOPING)

(WIND HOWLING)

(ACCELERATING BEEPS)

(GRUNTS)
(GROANS)

(GRUNTING)

(BLARING)

(LAUGHS) Come on!

(ALL YELLING)

(WITH RUSSIAN ACCENT)
Let's dance.

(GUARDS GROANING)

(YELLS)

(ALARM BUZZING)

(PRISONERS SHOUTING)

It's time to light the lights.

(EXPLODING)

Muppet news flash.

Constantine, the world's
most dangerous frog,

has escaped from
a maximum security gulag

in Siberia, Russia.

This move
has leapfrogged Constantine

to the number one
most wanted criminal
in the world,

one place ahead
of the mysterious Lemur.

Wow.

Thanks for seeing me
at my regular booth, Muppets.

(MUPPETS MURMURING)

Big fan. Huge.

Dominic.
International tour manager.

"Dominic Badguy"?

It's pronounced "Bad-gee."
(CLEARS THROAT) It's French.

MUPPETS: Ah!

It means "good man."

Oh, yes.
Oh!

Listen up.

You're hot.
You're having a moment.

But what is inevitable
about a moment? It ends.

I don't want
this moment to end!

That's why we got to
get out there now

and capitalize on this moment
with a capital "C," yeah?

I want you to conquer
the world. Do an
international tour.

Show a global audience
what you can do.

(EXCITED CHATTER)
Yeah, that sounds great
but I'm just not sure...

Wait a second, guys, listen.
I'd love to do that, too.

But we've barely
gotten back together.
We don't want to mess that up.

Okay, I am inundated with
offers of management
at the moment.

One Direction, U2,
Cirque du Soleil.

Just some of the acts
I can list.

(EXCLAIMING IN AWE)

Wow, that's a good list!

And now,
I wanna tour manage you guys.

I know you're the boss,
Kermit.

I wouldn't interfere
with that.

We would share
our managerial roles

because you've got a special
bond with these little guys.

Sure.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Uh... Oh! (SCOFFS)

President Clinton?

(MUPPETS GASPING)
What?

I'm on my way, Number Two.

Great,
they're taking the bait.

Well, he seems
like a nice guy.

ROWLF: Yeah.

Humble and honest.

I just... I think we have
to get settled first,
you know?

Hone the show,
get some new material,

and then maybe go
on a world tour.

DOMINIC: See you in Berlin.

CONSTANTINE:
Yes. Auf Wiedersehen...

Number Two.

(CHUCKLES EVILLY)

So...

What's it gonna be, Muppets?

Ready to be world famous?

No pressure,
but I am a very busy man.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)
Oh! That's Rihanna.

I really should take this.

(MUPPETS TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

World tour! World tour!

Well, I mean...

I guess we could always
hone our acts

on the road,
and that would be okay.

Wouldn't it, Kermit?

ANIMAL: World tour!
World tour! Come on, froggy!

(INDISTINCT TALKING CONTINUES)

Okay, let's do it.

Dominic, you're hired.
(CHEERING)

Thanks, Kermit.
I mean, boss.

You won't regret this.

(WOMAN ANNOUNCING
INDISTINCTLY OVER PA)

KERMIT:
Is everybody here? Yeah?

Okay, guys, guys.
Get them up and move them out.

All aboard, Dominic.

I didn't know
there was still third class.

Third class?
How about no class?

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

Oh! Watch the heels!

Piggy, why do you need
so much luggage?

For our honeymoon, of course!

For our what?
(TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS)

BEAUREGARD: Let's go, guys!

Oh! Oh.

That must be reverse. Um...

Oh, well.
This way looks good, too.

♪ Down around the corner
A half a mile from here ♪

KERMIT: Okay, Dominic,
I thought we could start

our world tour in London.

DOMINIC: Or how about
the world capital of comedy?

Berlin, Germany.

(MUPPETS CHEERING)
ANIMAL: Germany!

Hmm?

Uh...

Was that supposed to happen?
Got me.

KERMIT: Oh, you guys
are gonna love this place.

Hmm?
Uh...

Okay, here we are, guys.

The Hole in the Wall Club!

"Die Muppets"?

Looks like they
put the reviews up early.

Yeah, or is that
the suggestion box?

(BOTH LAUGHING)

MISS PIGGY:
"Hole in the Wall Club"?

More like
"Hole in the Ground Club."

Okay, everybody.

So, we'll start at the bottom
and work our way up.

I've booked us
into cabaret bars
and coffee houses

all across the industrial
cities of Northern Germany.

Dusseldorf, Hamburg,
Mudburg, Vomitdorf.

Poopenburgen?

Fozzie, we have a solid week
booked in Poopenburgen. Huh?

(ALL MOANING)

DOMINIC: This looks great.

And I think we should
commend Kermit on his efforts.

KERMIT:
Thank you, Dominic. Thanks.

Or, if I might be so bold...

KERMIT: Uh-huh?

...maybe we could consider
another venue.

Another venue?

To be precise,
this other venue.

MUPPETS: Whoa!
Look at that theater!

KERMIT: What? No, no.

We don't have the money
to rent
the Berlin National Theatre!

We'll make our money back
when we sell it out.

Kermie, I've always dreamed
of playing
the Berlin National Theatre.

"Ich bin ein Berliner."

More like, "Ein frankfurter"!

(MUPPETS CHUCKLING)
Watch it, buster.

Guys, I'm not sure
we can do this, you know?

DOMINIC: Okay,
let's put this to the vote.

All those in favor
of believing in ourselves,

raise your hands.

(INDISTINCT TALKING)
That's not what I'm saying.

And all those in favor
of just giving up.

(SIGHING) I can't believe
I'm voting for giving up.

Good. Well, I'm glad
we made this decision.

Oh, wonderful!

So cool!

WALTER: Isn't that exciting.
I can't believe it.

All right, gather round,
troops. Everybody?

(ALL TALKING INDISTINCTLY)
Okay, guys.

Since we're playing
such a big theater,

let's stick with what we know.

We'll open with
a cabaret number...

Kermit, when do I do the
indoor running of the bulls?

(BULL BELLOWING)

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

Mr. Kermit, sir?

I would very much
like to demonstrate

my magnetic
bomb-attractor vest.

(SPEAKING GIBBERISH)

Bunsen, why would you even
invent one of those?

Why did I invent
the unexpectedly
exploding cupcake?

(SCREAMS)
(ALL GASP)

Hey, what about
Muppet Ladder?

Muppet Ladder?
That's never, ever worked,
Gonzo.

Last time we all tried that
was 20 years ago

and you ended up
in a cast for six months.

Yeah, good times.

MISS PIGGY:
Kermit, what if I do

four or five
Celine Dion songs?

You know Celine Dion,
she works in Vegas.

No, Piggy,
there's no time for that.

What about the band's
marathon jam session?

Drum solo! Drum solo!

No drum solo!

(ALL TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

Guys, guys, guys!

We can't just
do whatever we want.

This is our opening night.

Let's play to our strengths,
because...

(SIGHS) Well...

Look, I didn't want
to worry you guys

but if we don't sell
this theater out,

it would mean
the end of the tour.

(ALL GASP)
GONZO: What?

And maybe the end of us.

Great news, Muppets.
We're sold out.

What?

(ALL TALKING EXCITEDLY)

Fine.

I mean, great, great.
Well done, Dominic.

Hey, I have an amazing idea
for an act.

It's called "The Indoor
Running of the Bulls."

Gonzo, I've told you,
that act is far too dangerous.

Actually, Kermit, I was asking
Dominic what he thinks.

Good grief.

MISS PIGGY:
Dominic, Dominic! Five songs.

(ALL CLAMORING)

"Sold out." Like we've sold
out a show in 30 years.

Ahem.

Is this a good time to discuss
our upcoming European wedding?

No, actually,
I'm kind of busy right now.

Perfect!

I have 23 swatches
for the seat covers
for the reception,

eight font choices
for the menu,

which, by the way,
we are not serving flies.

Piggy, what are you
talking about?

I'm just trying to
involve you in some of
the decision-making, dear.

What about being involved
in the decision

to get married
in the first place, huh?

Oh, Kermit, you never
let me do what I want!

Oh, yeah?

Well, what about what I want,
huh? What about that?

I haven't even proposed yet.

You can do that
on our honeymoon.

What?
(STAMMERING)

That's insane! Do you hear
what you're saying?

Insane? How dare you call
your fiancee insane?

You are not my fiancee!
We are not engaged!

And, as a matter of fact,

the way this
particular conversation

is going right now...
Well...

I'm fine with that!

(GASPS)
(FOO FOO GROWLING)

KERMIT:
Piggy, wait! I'm sorry!

(FOO FOO BARKING)
Get out!

(KERMIT SIGHS)

(DOMINIC SIGHS)

Don't take it personally.
They still love you.

They just prefer me now.

Uh, thank you, Dominic.
That's very comforting.

Do you know what
I think helps sometimes
in situations like this?

What?

A walk alone in the fog
in former East Berlin.

Maybe along a deserted canal.

Well, I guess a quiet stroll
is not a bad idea.

Let the others know
I've gone, will you?

Sure. I promise.

Thanks. Ah.

(MAN SHOUTING IN GERMAN)

(CHICKENS CLUCKING)

(GREETS IN GERMAN)

(CHILDREN SHOUTING PLAYFULLY)

(WHIMPERS)

WOMAN: Corrine, come here!

(GIRL GASPING)

(SIGHS)

Boo.
(KERMIT SCREAMS)

(GROANS)

(GRUNTING)

What just happened?

(WOMAN SPEAKING GERMAN)

It's him, he's here.
The evil frog.

The Evil Frog!!

(IN ENGLISH)
What?

That's him.
That's Constantine!

Wait a second.

(ALL CLAMORING)

Hold on, hold on!
There must be some mistake!

Don't you know me?
I'm Kermit the Frog!

Silence, Constantine.
The game is up.

Who?

(GASPS AND SCREAMS)

No, no! Wait a minute!
I'm Kermit the Frog!

Guys, this is a mistake!
I'm telling you! (SCREAMS)

Hey, hey! Hello! Somebody!

Open up!

(SIREN BLARING)

I'm an Amphibian-American!

It's not easy being mean.

(SNICKERING)

(MUPPETS TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

Has anyone seen Kermit?

Whoa!

It's 15 minutes to curtain.

Hi, guys. Look, it's Kermit,

just back from
his afternoon stroll.

Hi-lo! I am Kermit.

What...
Hmm.

DOMINIC: He's got a cold.
That's why his voice

sounds a little bit different
at the moment.

(ALL AGREEING)
(COUGHS)

See? Just calm down.
Just relax.

You are right.

Dominic is terrific!
Aw.

From now on, let's do
whatever he says. Hmm?

ALL: All right. Yeah.

Wow, that walk must
have really helped.

Miss Pig, I have wronged you.

I humbly beg your forgiveness.

You're not getting off
that easy, bucko.

Come on, Foo Foo.
(HARUMPHS)

(SNIFFING)
Bad frog! Bad frog!

(YELLING)

What is this?
Let go, dog!

Animal, stop it!

Kermit has agreed that Dominic
is right all the time, man.

DOMINIC: Good.

So, now that Kermit agrees
with me on everything...

I am Kermit.
Definitely.

Let's go and hang out
backstage, yeah?

Okay, all right.

Come, little friend.

Let us get on with the show

and enjoy our
family-style adventure

during which we shall bond
and learn heartwarming lesson.

Perhaps about sharing,
or waiting your turn,

or the number three.
Hmm?

Um...

Right, Kermit. Uh...

Sure.

Flawlessly executed. Bravo.

What did you expect from
world's most dangerous frog

and number one criminal,
Number Two?

Yeah, I know. You're
number one, I'm number two.

I think you mentioned
that before.

Now that we control
the Muppet tour, Number Two,

phase one of our plan
is complete.

We are now positioned
to carry out greatest...

(MUMBLING)

Burgle...

Blurgh-el...
Burgle...

"Burglary."
Yes.

...of all time, and pin it
on those gullible Muppets,

who will spend the rest
of their miserable lives
behind bars.

Hmm.
Tonight...

...we steal the painting

and then we'll have
all we need

to steal the unstealable,
the Crown Jewels of England...

Ensuring that my name
goes down in history

as greatest thief of all time!

You mean our names, right?

Of course.

My name first, then spacebar,
spacebar, spacebar, your name.

DOMINIC: Sure.

(SINGING)
♪ I'm number one
you're number two

♪ We're criminals at large
But I'm at larger than you

♪ I'm number one

♪ You're number two

♪ I believe in equality

♪ As long as you get
less than me

♪ I'm one
You're one.

♪ You're number two

I'm number two.

♪ You may think
that you're smarter

♪ But I'm smarterer than you

♪ I'm number one
you're number two

♪ You're lucky
to be number two

♪ Not number three
(GROANS)

♪ I can see by the look
in your eye

♪ You want to get a bigger
Piece of the pie

♪ One day
you'll get your chance

♪ But in the meantime

♪ You've got to dance
monkey, dance!

Really? I hate dancing.

Do it!

♪ Dance, monkey, dance!

Ha-ha!

(CONSTANTINE GRUNTING)

♪ I'm number two
he's number one

♪ I can't believe
I'm working for an amphibian

♪ I'm number two
he's number one

I'm number one!

♪ You know life's
gone to the dogs

♪ When your boss is a frog

♪ I can see
it's just a matter of time

♪ Before he's gone

♪ And I'm at the front
of the line

♪ It won't be long
till I get my chance

♪ But in the meantime

♪ I've got to dance,
monkey, dance

♪ Dance, monkey, dance

Now, watch me.

Ha-ha!

(EXCLAIMS)

(GROANS)

♪ I'm number one
♪ He's number one

♪ You're number two
♪ I'm number two

♪ That's it, kid
There you go

♪ Now step aside
This ain't your show

♪ I'm one
♪ "I'm one"

♪ I'm number one

♪ Yes, we know

♪ I'm...
♪ He's...

BOTH:
♪ Number one! ♪

That's how it's done.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
(DOOR OPENS)

15 seconds to curtain...
Kermit?

Sure.

Uh... Okay.

(GRUNTS)

Have you studied
your Kermit tapes yet?

Of course not.

This is child's play for frog
of my talent. (GRUNTS)

(SIGHS)

(PEOPLE TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and
gentlemen, please welcome...

"Study Kermit tapes."
Nonsense.

It's...

Oh, no.

Uh...

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Kermit!
Introduce the show.

(GRUNTS)
(AUDIENCE GASPING)

(STAMMERING)

It's the Muppet Show!

With our very special
guest star, Christoph Waltz!

Yay!

What is happening?
Why am I flying?

Whoa.
(SCREAMS)

(GROANS)
(ALL GASP)

What the...?

We gotta do something!

(STAMMERING)

(SPEAKING IN GERMAN)

Please welcome
our first act,

Herr Christoph Waltz
dances the waltz!

(WALTZ PLAYING)

(ALL HUMMING)

Darling, you set
my world on fire.
Oh!

Did somebody say "explosion"?

No! He says I set
his world on fire.

There it is again!

(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING)

Wait for me! Please!
Wait for me.

(LAUGHING MANICALLY)

(ALL GASP)
(GRUNTS)

One more!

SWEETUMS:
Keep waltzing, Mr. Waltz!

SWEETUMS: Hey!

It was, uh, vertigo.

Not stage fright,

if that's what you're
thinking, Number Two.

Sure.

(GRUNTING)

DOMINIC: Colonel Thomas Blood.

Right,
now to cover our tracks.

(ALARM RINGING)
(GASPS)

Let's get out of here!

(PANTING)

(POLICE SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY
OVER RADIO)

CIA.

Interpol!

What is the CIA doing here?
This is my jurisdiction.

Not to mention,
my badge is bigger.

One of the stolen paintings
was on loan from the New York
Metropolitan Museum of Art.

So, this is CIA jurisdiction.

Also, this is my travel badge.

Here's my real badge.
Oh.

You must have been
looking at the wrong...

Badge!
What?

(SIGHS) You've won
this round, Pierre.

My name is "Jean."
Okay, Shawn.

It looks like we're gonna
be working together.

But that doesn't mean
I have to like you.

I didn't like you first.

I didn't like you
before I met you.

So, what have we got?

Two priceless
paintings stolen

and one average painting
of an obscure English colonel.

This has all the markings
of the work of the Lemur.

What's a lemur?

Only the second most wanted
criminal in the world.

And my personal nemesis.

Unfortunately for me,
his identity is a mystery.

No, literally,
what is a lemur?

Oh. It is also a rat-monkey
from Madagascar.

Oh.
A-ha!

Just as I suspected.

This coin is his calling card.

The Lemur,
he is playing with us.

I have a delivery here
for Mr. Eagle.

Right here.

And here's your rope.
Mmm.

You were saying?

DOMINIC: Look at that.

"Muppets sell out in Berlin."
Five stars!

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

Kermit the Frog
is liking this news.

Choo-choo, yeah!

(CHUCKLES) Ooh, tunnel.

(GRUNTS)

Ooh!

(MUFFLED YELLING)

CONSTANTINE: (GROANS)
It's not there.

You were wrong!

Not so fast.

Oldest trick in the book.

Write it in lemon juice,

then simply apply heat

to reveal Colonel Blood's map.

Mmm...

Of course, today,
the Crown Jewels lie behind

the most sophisticated
security system on the planet.

And this map, along with
Blood's key and locket,

is the only way
to get close to them.

Good work, Number Two.

What does it say
about location of Blood's key?

Right.

Something, something.

"Finest wooden teeth."

That is not helpful.

Wait.

There's the name
of a city here.

Madrid.

(MAN SHOUTING IN RUSSIAN)

KERMIT:
You've got the wrong frog!

(PRISONERS CLAMORING)

(MUFFLED WHIMPERING)

Hey, hey, hey!

Ah! Ow.

(MUFFLED TALKING)

(GASPING)

It's Constantine.

What?
He's back.

What are you doing?

I'm not Constantine.
My name is Kermit.

Constantine,
always with the jokes!

(ALL LAUGHING)

Good old Constantine.

Always trying
to pull a fast one.

(LAUGHING)

Old friend.

Since you are back,

I guess you are in charge
of prison again.

Here, take prison crown.

We have to readjust it again.
Sergei, you get on that.

Take, take.

(SIGHS)

Oh, thank you.
Uh... (CLEARS THROAT)

Wait a minute.

I've known Constantine
for years.

And he has never...

Ever...

Said "Thank you."

Because I am not Constantine.

(WHIMPERS)

How dare you?

MISS POOGY:
He's not Constantine!

Let's throw him
in the recycling compacter!

Yeah!

MISS POOGY:
Throw him in the compacter!

But I'm already green!

MISS POOGY: Squash that frog!

NADYA: Put the frog down.

Or I will deploy.

(KERMIT YELPS)

(WHIMPERING)

Where am I?

The Gulag.

A gulag?

Gulag. The Big House.

Casa Grande!

ALL: The Big House!

Hit it, boys.

(ALL VOCALIZING)

♪ This is Russia's premier
state-funded hotel

♪ We're very proud
of our eclectic clientele

♪ Excellence in service
since 1932

♪ Don't believe what you read
in the online reviews

♪ It's the Big House
The perfect getaway

♪ Welcome into the Big House

♪ You'll never get away

♪ It's no Hilton or no Hyatt
But you will have a riot

♪ So please enjoy your stay

♪ Bah-dah-dah

♪ Here's the dining room
The menu is minimal

♪ What the cook does
to the food is criminal

♪ Pull up a seat, frog

♪ Grab yourself a stool

♪ May I recommend

♪ You try our famous gruel?

♪ In the Big House

♪ You'll never be alone

♪ Life ain't bad
in the Big House

♪ No, froggy, no
(CHUCKLING)

♪ Check out after 10

♪ Or 11 years

♪ Make yourself at home

♪ Accommodation here
is far superior

♪ Than anything else

♪ You will find in Siberia

♪ Let me know if
there's anything you need

♪ Everything is free

♪ Money back, guaranteed

MAXIMUM SECURITY PRISONER:
♪ In the Big House

♪ You will not survive

♪ When you arrive
in the Big House

♪ Run for your life

(NADYA MIMICKING TRUMPET)

MUPPET PRISONER:
♪ Two, three, four

♪ It's the Big House
The perfect getaway

♪ Welcome into the Big House

♪ You'll never get away

♪ For your security

♪ I'll keep the only key

♪ Now, please enjoy
your stay ♪

(YELLS)

Listen, I'm telling you,
you've got the wrong frog!

If you are not Constantine,
why do you have that mole?

It's not real.
Someone glued it to my lip.

As far as authorities
are concerned,

you are Constantine.

Glue or no glue.

(SIGHS)

Make yourself comfortable.

You're going
to be here a while.

I wouldn't be so sure.
My friends will be here soon!

NADYA: Now, lights out!

(CLATTERING)

Turn them back on!
I can't see anything.

(GROANS)

You have to wait until I'm,
like, out of the hallway.

It's figure of speech.

(WHIMPERS)
(MAN SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY)

(TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWING)

DOMINIC: Okay.

It seems that Blood's key
is hidden in a marble bust

of his accomplice,
Godfrey the Unknown,

which is kept in the Statue
Room at the Prado Museum.

CONSTANTINE: Perfect.

We break in, steal the bust,
destroy it and grab key.

Yeah, it's not that simple.
You see, no one knows

what Godfrey
the Unknown looked like.

Of course not. He was second
in command, so no one cared.

And there's 250 statues
in that room.

That may be problem.
Let me think, huh, Number Two?

(BREATHES DEEPLY)
Hmm...

Excusez-moi, Kermie.
Do you have a moment?

Kermit.

I just wanted to say
that I accept your apology

and I'm ready to put
our little disagreement

or whatever it was, behind us.

And, perhaps, I was a little
too eager about our wedding...

Pig, I have question.

Am I wearing sign
that says "Bother Me"?

(GASPING)
(BARKING)

(MISS PIGGY SOBBING)
What was that? What was that?

Uh... I was in the middle
of evilly plotting.

I do not like to be
interrupted
while evilly plotting.

If we're to get away with
this, you've got to keep up
appearances.

I am keeping up appearances.
If you want the Crown Jewels,
stick to the plan.

Do whatever the pig wants.
Keep her happy.
Whatever she asks of you.

Stupid frog!

Stupid train!

Mm-hmm.

I don't want to talk to you,
Kermit.

I said, I want you out!

I don't think
you know what you want.

Yeah, I do.
I just told you, I...

Shh. You're my lady

and I'm your man, baby.

And that's why,
if you stick with me,

I can give you
what you want. Hmm?

♪ Baby, stop right there

♪ Let me clear the air

♪ Baby, look into these eyes
Let me apologize

♪ I know what
you're thinking of

♪ You're thinking,
"Where's the love?"

♪ Babe, the love ain't gone
It's here where it belongs

♪ I know what
you're waiting for

♪ Well, you don't need
to wait no more

♪ I can give you
anything you want

♪ Give you anything you need

♪ I'll make
your dreams come true

♪ Give you anything you want

♪ Fulfill your fantasies

♪ I'll make
your dreams come true

♪ You want a unicorn
I'll give it to you

♪ You want a puppy dog
I'll give it to you

♪ You want an ice cream cone
I'll give it to you

♪ You want a mortgage loan
I'll give it to you

♪ You want a satin pillow
I'll give it to you

♪ You want an armadillo
I'll give it to you

♪ You want a diamond ring
I'll give it to you

♪ You want a thingy-thing
I'll give it to you

♪ I know what
you're waiting for

♪ Well, you don't need
to wait no more

♪ I can give you
anything you want

♪ Give you anything you need

♪ I'll make
your dreams come true

♪ Give you anything you want
Fulfill your fantasies

♪ I'll make
your dreams come true

♪ Ooh-ooh!
Whoa

♪ I'm singing
♪ Cockatoo

♪ Yeah
♪ Kangaroo

♪ Ooh

♪ In Malibu

♪ I'll give it to you

♪ I'll make
your dreams come true

♪ Cockatoo
♪ Cockatoo

♪ Kangaroo
♪ Kangaroo

♪ In Malibu

♪ I'll make
your dreams come true ♪

Oh, Kermie.

You are what
I've always wanted.

Uh, excuse us.
Hmm?

But we are all wondering,
what's the set list
for tomorrow, chief?

I don't care.
Do whatever you want.

MISS PIGGY: What?

FLOYD: Is he serious?

Uh, Kermit, Could I do
indoor running of the bulls?

Sure, Zongo. Who cares?

Wow! Thank you, Kermit!

Kermie, if he
can do his thing,

why can't I sing
my five songs?

Well...

You can. Who cares?

We don't have time
for all this stuff.

We're up to a three-hour show,
Kermit.

You are forgetting one thing,
small man with glasses.

I can give you what you want.

All right!

Okay.
Indoor running the bulls.

Won't the show be terrible?
Uh... Guys?

(SIGHS)
I'm so confused.

(GROANING)

Ah!

Where are you guys?

Looks like I'm gonna have
to break out of here myself.

(SIGHS)

It's The Muppet Show,

with our very special
guest star, Lynn Redgrave.

Yay!

(IMITATING) Yes!

Oh. Hi-ho!
Kermit the Frog, here.

Hi-lo.

Kermit the Frog here.

♪ The lovers, the dreamers
and me

♪ The lovers, the dreamers
and cheese

Nailed it.

(GRUNTS)

It's El Muppet Show,

with our very special guest,
Salma Hayek.

Hey!

(PLAYING SPANISH GUITAR RIFF)

(SINGING THEME IN SPANISH)

Would you look at that?

No.

Good idea.

(SINGING IN SPANISH)

(CHEERING)

(LAUGHS)

Yes! Hello and welcome
to El Muppet Show.

Please welcome our opening
act, the Great Gonzo

and the indoor running
of the bulls!

Gonzo? Gonzo,
I don't want to do this.

What? This is gonna be great.

Are you sure about this?

Nope. Come on. Let's go.

Where have you been?

On stage.

Why did the...
(BULLS BELLOWING)

(GONZO SCREAMING)

(BOTH SCREAMING)

The bulls are out of control!
Who could have foreseen this?

Me. I did.

Here they come again!

Okay.
Sorry about that, folks,

but now
put your hands together

for Miss Piggy. Ole!

(VOCALIZING)

(SINGING IN SPANISH)

♪ Don't you worry
about my boyfriend

♪ The boy whose name
is Kermitino

(BOTH GROANING)

I don't believe it.

They've managed
the impossible.

What an achievement!

Bravo! Bravo!

What? You mean you actually
like this show now?

No! They've made the show
even worse!

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Bravo! Bravo!
Amazing!

(STATUES SMASHING)
DOMINIC: Where is it?

CONSTANTINE:
It's got to be here somewhere.

Keep smashing, Number Two.

DOMINIC: What do you think
I'm doing? I'm smashing.

CONSTANTINE:
Where is that key?

DOMINIC: The last one.
It better be in here.

He looks
a little bit like you,
Number Two.

(GRUNTS)

DOMINIC: Colonel Blood's key.

CONSTANTINE:
Nice of him to label it.

So, where is the locket?

There's more.

(DOMINIC READING)

Of course. That's where
Blood's locket is.

In the vaults
of the Irish National Bank.

Then I know where Muppet tour
must stop next. Dublin.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

Drum solo!

(SIGHS)

(SNORING)

(SONG ENDS)

Huh?

(ALL CHEERING)

A standing ovation?

CONSTANTINE: I am Kermit.

I hope you enjoyed my show.

I love you, Madrid!

Wow, what an audience!
Great show, Kermit!

They loved me, Kermie!
They loved me!

WALTER: Guys?

I'm not sure
that was such a great show.

Like, what are you
talking about?

That jam was, like,
totally epic.

Exactly.

And I'm glad to say
the Spanish reviewers

disagree with you as well,
Walter.

They loved us.

Five out of five
jamon serranos.

Whoa. Those reviews
really came out fast.

And Citizen Kane only got
four jamon serranos.

DOMINIC: And more good news.

Pack up, everyone.
I've booked our next gig.
In Dublin.

Oh, great! Now we all
have time to rehearse.

Rehearse? Let's celebrate.

Yeah!

CONSTANTINE:
Yes! You deserve it, comrades!

Go do whatever you want.

(GUARD WHIMPERS)

Looks like we are busted.

(GRUMBLING)

Exactly what are we
doing today?

I am doing my job.

All we need to do
is look at the map

with the blinky lights,
and wait.

This is how it is done
here in Europe.

In America, we use 3-D
satellite LED displays.

Not cardboard with Christmas
lights stuck through it.

A blinky light!
She is blinking! Let's go.

(BEEPING)

What is this? A toy?

This is my car, Le Maximum.

It is illegal now in most of
the EU for its massive size.

It's so needlessly spacious,
I feel guilty.

(YELLS IN FRENCH)

SAM THE EAGLE: I hate Europe.

JEAN PIERRE:
Madrid, here we come!

Get out of the way.

Stay on the road!

JEAN PIERRE: Interpol!

Excusez-moi.

MAN: Watch out, everyone!

JEAN PIERRE:
37 hours. Not bad.

The Lemur. I knew it.

This doesn't make any sense.

Why break in,
smash some priceless busts

and then not steal anything?

There must be something bigger
going on.

But what?

Ah, I've got it!

Oh, sorry. 2:00 PM.
My day is over.

Wait.
Those weirdos, the Muppets,

were performing next
to the crime scene in Berlin.

And here they are,

performing right next to the
crime scene in Madrid!

You know what that means.

Yes, they love museums!

No!

They're suspects!

Okay. Overtime.

We must find these Muppets
before they flee the country.

To the train station!

Hey, Larry,
want a bite of my bocadillos?

(WOMAN YELPS)

What the...
Ah!

Are you all Les Muppets?

Wow, those are big badges!

Thank you.
Merci...

Come, come.
You must come with us

to answer some questions.

♪ Kermit, let's begin

♪ Describe the day
you played Berlin

♪ We rehearsed,
and then we walked about

♪ We ate bratwurst
and sauerkraut

♪ That night at 10:03

♪ Were you inside
the portrait gallery?

♪ My alibi is watertight

♪ The audience saw me
sing all night

♪ Monsieur
we know you did the crime

♪ I was on stage
that whole time

♪ Ask who sang
Rainbow Connection

♪ Thank you, Kermit,
no more questions

Allo.

I think it's time for
Good cop / romantic cop.

♪ Miss Piggy, you could
end up locked inside

♪ And now's your chance
to save your hide

♪ Gentlemen, I did not know

♪ It's a crime
to steal the show

♪ Tell us how
the art was taken

♪ If you want to save your
Bacon

♪ I haven't seen
your missing art

♪ All I've stolen
is audience hearts

♪ We'll catch the swine

♪ That did this job

♪ Give up
the pig puns, creep!

♪ Go jump in a lake
that's my suggestion

♪ Thank you, Piggy
no more questions

I think she likes me. Huh?

I don't think your puns
are helping the investigation.

♪ You know,
I think they did it
♪ No, they didn't

♪ Yes, they did
and we can pin it

♪ If they did
how did they do it?

♪ If they didn't
how did they didn't?

♪ If they didn't then
it's easy 'cause they
simply didn't do it

♪ If they did it, then
I knew it but we've
nothing that can prove it

(CLEARS THROAT)
Oh. Excuse me.

♪ Let's go from the start

♪ What do you know
about the stolen art?

♪ I didn't know
there was a plan

♪ Your accusation's
far out, man

♪ The chances of us committing
a crime are less than .009

(SPEAKING MOCK SWEDISH)

(QUACKING)

♪ Uh, I can do
an Elvis impression

♪ Thank you, Muppets
No more questions

♪ They didn't
♪ No, they didn't

♪ There's no way
they did the crime

♪ They couldn't,
they're too stupid
♪ Not criminal masterminds

♪ We do not know who did it
But we know who didn't do it

♪ So we know
who didn't do it

♪ Yes, we know
who didn't do it ♪

They're incapable
of being culpable!

Hi!

SAM THE EAGLE: Come on.
Let's go over the files again.

(GUARDS SPEAKING RUSSIAN)

(SCREAMS)

Stop digging escape tunnel,
frog.

How did you know?

It's the first escape
everyone tries.

(SCREAMS)

That's the second escape
people try.

(GRUNTING)

(TOILET FLUSHES)

Oh, boy.

Third way!
(SCREAMS)

Give up, frog.

I have Netflix account

with search keywords
"prison escape."

I have seen
every prison movie ever made.

Even the ones in space.

(SIGHS)

Yeah, well...
Hey, wait a second.

That's them!
That's my friends!

What happened to them?

"Dominic Badguy.

"An interview with
the brains behind

"the Muppets' triumphant
comeback world tour."

What?

It seems your friends
do not need you anymore.

They have forgotten about you.

Oh, no, no, no.

They wouldn't.

They couldn't.

We're a family.

"Family"?

No one believes in family
in the Gulag, frog.

People are only
ever out for themselves.

(SIGHS)

Listen, Kermit.

We have annual lighthearted
Gulag Revue coming up.

It is that, or they riot.

I thought you might help me.
Uh...

The thing is, Nadya,

I'm sort of done doing that,
but thanks for the offer.

This is not offer.
This is prison.

You are going to help me.

Rehearsals tomorrow, 4:00 AM.

Or I put you on The Wall.

"The Wall"?

Why would I be afraid
of a wall?

(GRUNTING)

Just direct the show.
You'll never escape.

What time did you say
that rehearsal was?

Ouch!

JEAN PIERRE: Okay. What about
this comedian bear?

He is too stupid to be stupid.

He must be
some sort of genius.

Maybe your "Lemur" hunch
is correct.

(SIGHS)

Except for the fact
that Les Muppets

play tomorrow night
at the Dublin Theatre.

Which just happens
to be next door

to the Irish National Bank!

Maybe your Muppet hunch
is...

Correct.

It's almost as if we're...

BOTH: Not so different

after

all.

Come, come, mon ami!

We must follow Les Muppets
to Dublin!

To Dublin!

(CONSTANTINE YELLING)
Kremlin!

Huh?

(YELLING IN RUSSIAN)

MISS PIGGY:
No, what are you doing?

Okay, number five, baby.
Blow.

Come on.

There you go.
You know the routine.

Come on, Diddy Daddy!

(CHEERING)
Hey, guys?

Fellas?
Whoa!

Ah!

ZOOT: Whoa, man!

Hey, did you see that?

(WHISTLES LOUDLY)
Huh?

Um, do you guys think
that Kermit's

been acting
a little weird lately?

No.

(SIGHS)

You're probably right.
It's just me.

(SIGHING)
Bad frog.

(TUNELESSLY)
♪ Come to the end of the road

♪ Still I can't

♪ Let go

♪ It's unnatural

♪ You belong to me

♪ I belong to you

Enough!

You're all terrible.

Fix this.
Or it's The Wall.

Oh.

Of course.

Guys...

It's always good to start

with an up-tempo
song and dance

and then go
into a comedy routine.

But we like Boyz II Men!

It is Big Papa's
favorite song.

Lot of emotions
in that song for him.

I'm not learning no other
song. I'm a triple threat!

A singer,
a dancer and a murderer!

There you go.
How do you like that?

ANIMAL: Drum solo! Drum solo!

GONZO: When do I do the indoor
running of the bulls?

What about the band's
marathon jam session?

Four or five
musical numbers.

Quiet!

Now, look! We are holding
auditions tomorrow.

And if any of you have
a problem with that,

any of you,
then my door is always open!

(PANTING)

Thank you, Kermit.

This is what we've all
been waiting to hear.

Teach us, Kermit.

We will do whatever frog say.

Put it there.

Good night, frog.
Nice work today.

Thanks, Nadya.

Even if your friends don't
need you, we certainly do.

Good night.

Good night, Big Papa.

'Night, Nadya.

Good night, Carl.
Good night, Nadya.

Good night, Prison King.
Good night, Nadya.

Good night, Skullcrusher.

Good night.

Good night, Danny Trejo.

DANNY TREJO:
Good night, Nadya.

NADYA: No one believes
in family in the Gulag, frog.

People are only
ever out for themselves.

(SIGHING)

(WHISTLE HOOTING)

WALTER: Well, well, well.

What's he up to?

(PEOPLE TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

Hmm.

Huh?

(GASPS)

(PANTING)

DOMINIC: Gentlemen.

I need this review
to go into Friday's paper.

Super positive. Five stars.

I won't be paid off
for a review.

I'm a journalist.

I'm joking, of course.
Cash or credit?

(STATUE BREAKING)
Oh!

What was that?

Rats.

DOMINIC: Who cares?

(WHISTLES)

Hand these tickets out
to anyone who will take one.

In fact, you may have to
actually pay people to come.

It's the Muppets.
It's not gonna be easy.

Mmm. Oh.
And I want
a standing ovation.

Oh, dear.

Where does he keep
all those suitcases?

(MUNCHING)

FOZZIE: Hmm. Let's see here.

What's Kermit doing on
the cover of this newspaper?

(SHRIEKS)

(LAUGHS)

(PANTING) Oh! Ow!

Dominic's the bad guy!
Dominic's the bad guy!

Fozzie!
Mmm?

Dominic's the reason
we've been selling out
our shows!

He's been
giving away tickets

and bribing journalists
to write great reviews!

(GROANS) Why didn't we
ever think of doing that?

Huh?

I mean, that's terrible!

The question is, why?

And could it have
anything to do with

why Kermit's been
acting so weird lately?

Hey, wanna see
something funny?

Yes, Constantine,
the world's
most dangerous frog.

Fozzie, what does he have to
do with what I just told you?

Nothing, but check this out.
A-ha!

Oh, look, it's Kermit.

FOZZIE: A-ha!

(SHRIEKS) What did you do
with Kermit?

(THUNDER CRACKING)

Wait a minute.

Fozzie...

What if Kermit
has been replaced

by this Constantine guy?

(BULB BUZZES)

Nah, that's impossible.
We'd all notice!

Wouldn't we?

(KNOCKING)

Kermit?

Are... Are you there?

Hello?

FOZZIE: Kermit?

Everything's fine.
Let's get out of here.

Wait!
Whoa!

We should look around.

(TICKING)

Huh. Kermit's got
a big bomb collection.

Looks like he's planning
some sort of comedy heist bit.

I hope not.
Those never work.

Mmm.

WALTER: What's that?

(GASPS) Oh, no.

What, what, what? What?

Oh, no.

(BOTH SCREAMING)

We got to get out of here!

Yeah!

Not so fast.

Where's Kermit?

What do you want?

You have wocka-ed
your last wocka, bear.

(YELLS)

Huh?

Bad frog!

FOZZIE: Animal!

Oh, good boy!
Great job!

Thank you.
(GASPING)

(CONSTANTINE GROANS)

(GROWLS)
(ALL SCREAM)

Quick! The freight train!

Go, go, go!

(ALL YELLING)

(GROWLS)

(EXCLAIMS)

We got to go back!
Warn the others!

I tried.
They didn't believe me.

It's our word against his

and, well,
he's fooled them all.

Should we go to the police?

We don't have any evidence!

(SIGHING) I feel terrible.

I'm the one who talked Kermit

into doing this tour
in the first place.

Oh, I wish Kermit was here!
He would know what to do.

You're right.

There's only one guy
in this world who can save us.

Only one frog
who can restore order,

bring justice,

and set things right!

You are talking
about Kermit, right?

Yes, Fozzie. Kermit.

Turn, turn, out, in,
jump, step,

step, kick, kick,
leap, kick, touch.

Got it?
From the top
A-five, six, seven, eight

♪ God, I hope I get it

♪ I hope I get it

♪ How many people
does he need?

♪ How many people
does he need?

♪ God, I hope I get it

♪ I hope I get it

♪ How many boys
How many girls?

♪ How many boys, how many?

♪ Look at all the people
At all the people

MAX SECURITY PRISONER: How
many people does he need?

♪ How many boys,
how many girls?

♪ How many people does he...

♪ I really need this job
Please, God, I need this job

♪ I've got to get this job

Good!

Great!

That's it, guys, that's it!

That's good, guys! Come on!
And hit it hard!

♪ I really need this job

♪ Please, God
I need this job

♪ I've got to get this job ♪

Okay.
All right. Yes.
(CLEARS THROAT)

Uh, Nadya?

I think perhaps we should,

perhaps,
keep it prisoners only.

Of course.
I just love Broadway.

But you are right, Kermit,
as ever.

Okay. Thank you.

(CLEARS THROAT)
Okay, fellas, listen up.

Here's who made the cut.

Sergei! King! That's you.

You are always right,

my beautiful amphibian prince.

I will never let you go.

This is better.

Oh... What's wrong?

You only ever knit
when you're stressed.

CONSTANTINE: The bear,

the little guy and their dog,
they are onto us.

They got away.

How are we gonna spin this?

CONSTANTINE: Comrades,
I'm afraid I have bad news.

Walter and Fonzie
have quit the Muppets.

(ALL GASP)
LEW ZEALAND: Wait.

You can quit the Muppets?

Wait a second.
Walter quit the Muppets?

We just did a whole movie
where he joined the Muppets.

Yeah, we sure spent
a lot of time on it.

RIZZO: Ha! I'll say.

Maybe even at the expense
of other long-standing,
beloved Muppets.

Come on, Robin.

(SIGHS)

Coming.

Well,
as the old saying goes...

The show must continue,

in a timely fashion.
GONZO: Wait.

Fozzie and Walter
are part of our family.

We can't let them go
without a fight.

Right, Kermit?

I know this is hard, Gonzo.

Walter and Fonzie
were my best friends.

MISS PIGGY: Kermit...

Are you sure you're okay?

Yes, I'm fine, pig.

I could never lose you.

You complete me.

Oh, Kermie.

DOMINIC: Guys, come on!

This is gonna be fantastic.
We should be celebrating!

Yes. Remember,
I can give you what you want.

Yeah?
Yeah, right.

I'll keep that in mind.

Say, has anyone
seen Animal?

(SHIVERING)

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

(PANTING)

Does anybody else feel like
we're traveling in circles?

(GASPS)

There it is!

Finally!

♪ Take me by the tongue
And I'll know you

♪ Kiss me on the cheek
And I'll show you

♪ All the moves like Jagger

♪ I've got the moves
like Jagger

♪ I've got the... ♪

Do you have evidence
to frame the bear?

Excellent.

Where are the guards?

(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)

(LAUGHING)

Stay here. I'm going to
check on the vault.

Oui.

(JACK HAMMERING)
Whoa! Whoa!

Stop it!

BOTH: Whoa!

DOMINIC:
Colonel Blood's locket.

Of course. Now grab it.

SAM THE EAGLE: Shawn.

Someone's coming. Abort!

SAM THE EAGLE:
I think I just saw something.

It's headed back
towards the theater!

♪ Near, far

♪ Wherever you are

That was close.

Too close.

We need to move to
final phase three. "Wedding."

♪ You're here

Hey, Kermit,
you can't go out there.

It's Piggy's
Celine Dion number.

Whoa!

♪ And I know
that my heart will...

Did you see anything?

Not a thing.
It is my lunch hour.

It lasts six hours.

Excuse me.

Ladies and gentlemen!

I have an announcement!

What?
(ALL MURMURING)

MISS PIGGY: Kermit...

I'm in the middle
of a song here!

Miss Piggy.

I have very important
question for you.

Yeah?

What are you doing?

(SNORING)
(ALL MURMURING)

Do you wish to become
Mrs. Piggy?

(GASPS)
Or, rather...

Mrs. The Frog?

Aw.

Oh, Kermie,
I thought you'd never ask.

I really thought
you'd never ask!

So?

What do you say?

(WHISPERING) It's beautiful.

(SCREAMS)
Yes! Yes! Of course! Yes!

I can't believe this!
After all this time,

it was finally just so easy!

Hmm.

That's right, folks,
it's the Muppet wedding

the world
has been waiting for.

We're putting our tour
on hold...

ALL: What?

...to be married
in two days' time

at the world's
most romantic location,

the Tower of London.

(ALL CLAMORING)

Here's a Muppet newsflash.

The years of waiting are over.

The biggest "Will they,
won't they?" of all times

has been answered
with a firm "They will."

Kermit the Frog and Miss Piggy
are to be married!

That's right, folks.

They're finally
tying the knot.

(SOBBING)

Well, at least they
didn't get the pot of gold.

No, they did not.

I have never been to a more
ridiculous crime scene.

(JEAN PIERRE GASPS)

The comedian bear,
he was here.

SAM THE EAGLE:
The Lemur. He, too, was here.

Could the comedian bear and
the Lemur be one and the same?

The comedian bear
is the Lemur.

That is brilliant.

But why would he steal
a bunch of old bones?

The bones apparently belonged
to one Colonel Thomas Blood.

He was the only man to ever

nearly steal
the Crown Jewels of England.

Wait! Where did the frog say
he was getting married?

The Tower of London.

BOTH: The comedian bear
is planning on stealing...

The Tower of London!
The Crown Jewels!

The Crown Jewels.

(SIGHS)

Sir, where would you
like the flowers?

Who cares?

Hey, chief.

Hi-lo.

Uh, we've all been
thinking, and...

Well, after you and Miss Piggy
get married,

what's gonna happen
to the tour?

And to us?

Well, now you guys
have all the freedom you want.

You don't need me.

I'm done with Muppets.

Huh?
(ALL GASP)

But, hey,
it's been a good run, right?

Hmm?

Good luck.

FLOYD: Kermit!

Did he just say
what I thought he said?

What are we gonna do
without Kermit?

The only thing we can do.

Pack up, go to the wedding,

and head back home.

Oh, Foo Foo,
it's always been a fight.

But this is so easy,
it just doesn't feel right.

(WHIMPERING)

♪ This is my dream come true

♪ The day has come for us
to say "I do"

♪ There's nowhere else
I'd rather be

♪ Nothing in the world means
more to me than you

♪ I've waited so patiently

♪ I knew you were
the only frog for me

♪ Always knew
this day would come

♪ It's written in the stars
it's destiny

♪ So how can something
so right

♪ Feel so wrong tonight?

♪ After all we've
been through

♪ Why do I feel
I don't know you?

♪ We'll settle down
and start a family

♪ Have a mini you
and a mini me

♪ A little pink frog
and a little green piggy

♪ They'll learn to say hello
and say goodbye

♪ We'll grow grey and old

♪ And live the quiet life

♪ Just you and I

♪ Hand in hand
we'll stay together

Hey. Look at that sky.

♪ Forever and ever

Oh!

♪ So how can
something so right

♪ Feel so wrong tonight?

♪ After all we've
been through

♪ Why do I feel
I don't know you?

♪ How can something so right
feel so wrong inside?

♪ How can something so good
leave me feeling so bad?

♪ How can my dreams
coming true

♪ Leave me lonely and blue?

♪ How come the happiest day
of my life is so sad?

♪ How can I feel the high
when I feel so low?

♪ After all we've been through
After coming so far

♪ Is this my destiny?

♪ Mi-mi-mi
Mi-mi-mi

♪ Where is the love
that's written

♪ In the stars?

♪ How can something so right

(VOCALIZING)

♪ Feel so wrong tonight?

♪ Hey-hey-hey

♪ After all we've
been through

♪ Why do I feel I don't

♪ Know you? ♪

(VOCALIZING)

Oh, Kermie.

Hey, the show's
starting.

Hmm? Ah, yeah!

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

Lady and gentlemen,

good evening and welcome to
the Gulag Annual Revue Show!

Escapo,
you're up after the ballet.

Okay... Mmm-hmm.

(GASPS)

Kermit! Kermit!

Psst!

Kermit.
(GASPS)

Fozzie. Walter. Animal.

We're here to rescue you.

Yes!
And we've got to go right now!

Yeah!

(SOBBING)

(MELANCHOLY CLASSICAL MUSIC
PLAYING)

(GROANING)
Hey!

I can't believe you're here.
It's so good to see you guys!

Kermit, listen.

An evil frog named Constantine

has taken over the Muppets
and replaced you!

What? Constantine replaced me?

WALTER: Yeah.

And he was working
together with Dominic.

They're planning
something terrible,

but we don't know what.

But...

How could you not have noticed
that he'd replaced me, Fozzie?

He looked like you
and he talked like you.

Okay, he didn't talk that much
like you, come to think of it.

But he said he had a cold.

Animal know.

"Animal know"?
Mmm-hmm.

You mean, all this time,

I've been locked
in a Russian gulag,

no one, not one single person

from the Muppets
except Animal

noticed I'd been replaced by
an evil criminal mastermind?

It sounds worse than it was.

No. It's as bad as it sounds.

(SIGHS)

I thought you guys
had forgotten about me.

That you didn't
need me anymore.

We'd never forget about you.

We need you
more than ever, Kermit.

Good frog.

(HORN HONKS)

Late extra! Late extra!
Read all about it!

Kermit and Miss Piggy
to be married in London!

(GASPS)

WALTER: What?
ANIMAL: Uh-oh.

Piggy?

Piggy's gonna marry
the world's most
dangerous frog tomorrow?

Piggy and the gang
are in danger!

To London!

ALL: No. Kermit!

(GUNSHOTS)

Oh, yeah, I forgot.
I'm in a gulag.

Sorry about that, Ivan!

It's okay!

No problem, Kermit.
It's easy mistake.

Right.
Thanks for not shooting me!

Sure. No prob...
Hey, nothing personal.

We have to escape, guys.
Tonight!

FOZZIE: But how?

Kermit.
(ALL EXCLAIM)

Do you know where these prop
pickaxes and shovels

are supposed to go
for this big mining number?

KERMIT: Uh...
Wait!

(THUNDER CRACKING)

I've got it!

KERMIT: And now, folks,
the Great Escapo!

(STRAINING)

(GRUNTS)

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

Oh, no, you don't.

(GRUNTS)

(GROANING)
Nice try, Escapo.

I sure hope
this works, Walter.

I have tried a lot of ways
to get out of here.

This is gonna work, Kermit.
I'll see you on the outside.

Okay!

Gosh, I hope this works.

Oh, thank you, thank you,
everybody. And now...

We're going underground.
Working in the coal mine!

♪ Working in a coal mine

♪ Going down, down, down

♪ Working in a coal mine
Whoop! About to slip down

♪ Five o'clock in morning

♪ I'm already up and gone

♪ Lord, I'm so tired

♪ How long can this go on?
That I'm a...

♪ Working in a coal mine

♪ Going down, down, down

♪ Working in a coal mine
Whoops! About to slip down

♪ Oh, Lord, I'm so tired

♪ Working in a coal mine
Going down, down, down

♪ Working in a coal mine

♪ Whoop! About to slip down

♪ Working
♪ In a coal mine

♪ Going
♪ Down, down, down

♪ And working
♪ In a coal mine

♪ Whoops!
♪ About to slip down

♪ In the coal mine ♪

Whoo!

(CHEERING)

Bravo! Bravo!
Bravo!

Oh, no.

Kermie!

WALTER:
I can't believe that worked!

KERMIT: We did it!
Great work, guys!

Now put the pedal
to the metal.

We have a wedding to crash!

ALL: Yeah!

(PEOPLE CHEERING)
MAN: Good luck, Kermit!

Thank you very much.

FOZZIE: That's a nice venue.

KERMIT: The main entrance
is too well-guarded.

I'm gonna need to get in
some other way.

Here you go.

(CLEARS THROAT)

You're the new guy?

Yes, I am.

Next time, wear a uniform.

Right.

(WHIMPERING)

Oh, boy.

Wow, Kermit, you were like
James Bond back there.

Thanks, Fozzie.
Okay, listen, guys.

Walter, you and Animal
go look in the chapel.

Right.

Fozzie, come with me.
Yes, sir.

Good luck, guys.

You, too, Kermit.

Piggy?

Where is she?

Kermit,
these are your clothes.

Whoa!
(MIRROR SHATTERS)

Shh!

CONSTANTINE:
This tuxedo is too tight.

Someone's coming! Hide! Hide!

Which room am I
supposed to be in?

Ah, here it is.

I hate weddings.

Hmm?

Hmm...

(GASPS)

Ha!

What the...

Ah. There you are.

Well, don't just stand there
gawping, Number Two.

Come in.

Let us take this
convenient opportunity

to review our plans. Hmm?

Once you've stolen
the Crown Jewels

and framed the Muppets,

ring the tower bell five times

and we will rendezvous
on the roof.

But what will you do
when you're married?

Because the pig
will know everything.

Once she's served her purpose,
kaboom.

It will be bacon
for breakfast.

(GASPS)

(LAUGHING EVILLY)

Champagne fridge delivery.

Put it over there
on the bear-skin rug.

(WHIMPERING SOFTLY)

FOZZIE: Ooh!

Thank you!

It's show time.

Fozzie, are you okay?

Yeah, I think so.
How do I look?

You look fine.
You look fine.

Come on, we have to go
rescue Miss Piggy!

Right! Let's go!

The Lemur!
I have you finally!

And Constantine,

the world's
most dangerous frog!

No, no, no.

As you might say,
case sol-ved!

Perfect! Time for my annual
eight-week paid vacation.

Au revoir.
Au revoir.

No, wait!

What am I
supposed to do with them

until the mobile holding unit
arrives?

On holiday!

KERMIT: And now you've got
the wrong frog.

And stay there! Hmph!

(BOTH WHIMPERING)

Oh, and so you know,
Number Two,

I have hired us help.

The world's smallest team
of jewel thieves.

Babies, meet your new boss.

Genius, I know!
Who would suspect babies
of stealing Crown Jewels?

Look at their sweet faces.

(BLOWING RASPBERRIES)

LINK HOGTHROB:
Let's see. Where am I seated?

I'll need an usher.
Usher? Is there an usher?

Yes. I'm the Usher.

Pig or frog?

What do you think?

I don't know, man. Pig?

No. Frog.
I'm related through marriage.

What kind of an usher are you?

(SIGHS)

(BABBLING INDISTINCTLY)

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

You're up, little dudes.

Go, go, go.

Down.

(GRUNTING)

Tip.

Come on! What the...

(SIGHS)

ALL: Dominic. Hey, Dominic.

Shh. Shut up.

(BELL TOLLING)

(GASPS)

The wedding, it's starting.

(SIGHS)

She looks beautiful.

Fozzie,
we got to do something.

Oh, this is so frustrating!

Wow, would you look at that?

Now that's a poorly made car.

Let's get out of here!

(FOZZIE GRUNTS)

(GROANING)

(ALL MURMURING INDISTINCTLY)

(WEDDING MARCH PLAYING)

(SOBBING)
I'm just happy for them.

Really happy for them.

Would you please stop talking?

Okay. (SNIFFLES)

(BLOWS NOSE)

Dearly beloved...

(SIGHS)

What!
Code Red! Code Red!

(BABIES EXCLAIMING)

Oh, come on.

Not a laser web.
BABY: Ooh, pretty.

Right. Go and get
the suspend-y ropey thing.

And my really cool
skintight outfit.

Yep.

Shawn,
come back from vacation!

Constantine and the Lemur
have escaped.

The Crown Jewels
are in danger!

We are gathered here today
to witness the union

of this pig
and this frog

in Holy Matrimony
before the presence of God.

Do you,
Kermit the Frog,

take Miss Piggy to be your
lawfully wedded wife,

in sickness and in health,

so help you God?

Yes. Yes, I do.

And do you, Miss Piggy...

Hmm?

...take Kermit the Frog

to be your
lawfully wedded husband,

in sickness and in health,

so help you God?

I...

(ALL GASP)

I...
(ALL GASP)

(WHISPERING) Just say "I do."

This is what
you've always wanted, right?

I do?

I'm sorry, is that a question?

No, it was not a question.

(PANTING)

We have to do something, guys.

Kermit, we've got to get you
close to Miss Piggy!

Huh. What does this do?

(YELLS)

(CROWD EXCLAIMING)

Ooh!

What the...
Piggy, it's me, Kermit.

Come on, we have to get out of
here! The wedding is off.

Oh, wow!

Like, I kind of knew
he'd get cold flippers.

Huh?

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
Excuse us.

(ALL YELLING)

No, Kermit!
What are you doing?

Piggy, I will explain later.

I cannot believe...

CONSTANTINE: Come here, frog!
(EXCLAIMS)

Where you going?

I'm sorry, my dear,
forgive me.

MISS PIGGY: What is going on
at my wedding?

Gotcha!
What?

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

WALTER: Animal, pull!

CONSTANTINE:
What is happening here?

Catch froggie! Catch froggie!

Well, this is the best
Muppet wedding ever!

Piggy, listen!
That's not me! I'm me!

(CHEWING)

He's Constantine,
the world's most dangerous...

(YELLS)
(ALL EXCLAIM)

(GASPS)

Two Kermits?

Well, that explains a lot.

How can there be two Kermits?

Of all the ways
to ruin a wedding,

this has got to be
the most creative.

Two Kermits!

No, just one Kermit. Me.

No, no, no.
Do not listen to him!

I am the real Kermit.

That's ridiculous!
I am Kermit the Frog!

No, I am Kermit the Frog!
Hi-lo, Kermit the Frog, here.

"Hi-lo?" It's "Hi-ho!"

Would every Kermit be quiet!

BOTH: Huh?

Well, there's only
one true way to settle this.

First Kermit.

Will you marry me?

Yes, of course, let's go!

The helicopter is waiting,
my love!

And you, the other Kermit...

Will you marry me?

(STAMMERING)
Well, I mean, I...

I would.
I mean, I could. It's...

(GASPS) That's my Kermit!

(YELLS)
(ALL GASP)

(ALL CHEERING)
DR. TEETH: That's our frog!

Kissy-kissy!

Hmm...

(ALL GASP)

That is right, Muppets!

I am Constantine,

the world's most dangerous
frog and number one criminal!

And a thousand times more frog
than this Kermit person!

And now...

I have only one thing
to say to you fools!

Good night, folks!

(BEEPING)

(ALL CLAMORING)

Yay!

What is that?

It's a bomb!

This is where my patented

magnetic bomb-attractor vest
can aid us,

that Beaker is
conveniently wearing.

(SPEAKING GIBBERISH)

What? What's going on?

(SCREAMING)

Wait!
Miss Piggy's ring is the bomb!

Whoa!

Some of you guys grab Piggy,
and some of you guys grab me.

Pull!

(ALL GASP)
(SCREAMING)

That's only 800 years old.

(EXCLAIMING)

Nicely done, Beaker!

(YELLING)

MISS PIGGY: Kermit!

Help!

Piggy!
Help!

She's on the roof!

Shut up and keep moving, pig!
You are my insurance policy!

Huh?

Number Two,
you look ridiculous.

Why are you wearing that?

Because I am the Lemur.

And the world's
new number one criminal.

That's right.

This is where
I double-cross you.

First rule of double-cross.

You don't announce
the double-cross

before you double-cross.

It's not even a rule
because it is so obvious.

(BEEPING)

(SCREAMS)

The Lemur is literally
the worst bad guy name
I have ever heard!

Let's go!

(STRUGGLING)

Oh, no!

He's getting away!
What are we gonna do?

I'm gonna
stop that helicopter.

(ALL CLAMORING)

We're coming!
Hang on, Miss Piggy!

Jump!

(WHIMPERING)
Shut up, pig!

Kermit!

We have to do something!

I got it!

There's only one way we can
reach him up there!

Muppet Ladder!

What the...?

Kermit!

Come on up, Chef!

Watch the hair, bear.

Give up, Constantine.
I've got you now!

Bad move, frog.

(SCREAMS)
Kermit!

Okay, Kermit,
we're coming to get you.

Now!

ALL: Whoa!
Whoa!

No, something's wrong.

We're not moving.

(ALL STRAINING)

You're ruining my getaway!

(MISS PIGGY GASPS)

Hang on, Piggy! I'm coming!

Go get 'em, Kermit!

(GRUNTS)

Kermie!

Welcome aboard, Kermit.

You don't know
who you're dealing with.

I am the world's
most dangerous frog.

Oh, brother!

You may be the world's
most dangerous frog,

but you're still a frog!

No one tricks me
into marrying them

and then hurts my Kermie!

Ha!

(GROANING)

What a woman!

Yeah. My woman.

And I believe
this belongs to you.

(GROANS)

Well, I'm sorry
I ruined your wedding.

Oh, Kermie...

I'm so glad you did.

ROWLF: Okay.
Can we get down now?

(SIRENS APPROACHING)
We did it, guys!

(ALL CHEERING)

SCOOTER:
What an action sequence!

LEW ZEALAND: You sure
look pretty, Miss Piggy.

Thank you.

Congratulations, weirdos,
you've saved the Crown Jewels!

And you've caught my nemesis,
the Lemur.

Look at his little costume.

That's adorable!

I'm not adorable.
He is adorable.

You're adorable!

Did you make
that kitty-cat outfit?

The bad guy
is Dominic Badguy!

(ALL GASP)

Well, mon ami, I guess
this is where we say goodbye.

You go your way,
and I go mine.

(SOBBING)
Here comes the rain. Oh, boy.

And I said
I wasn't going to do this.

Oh, pull yourself
together, man.

Stop crying.

We're only saying
our final farewell.

Goodbye forever!
(SOBBING)

I'm going to miss you so much!

I'm going to miss you,
my French friend.

(ALL GROANING)

Whenever you're ready.

Yes.
Yes, of course.

Take them away!
Take them away!

DOMINIC: Thank you.
Au revoir, Muppets.

Bye-bye.

See you!

DOMINIC: You're number two.

CONSTANTINE: Shut up.

Sam! Wait for me!

(SIGHS)

You know...

I missed all of you so much.

NADYA:
There he is, right there!

Arrest him! Arrest that frog!

Nadya?
Wait. For what?

For leading the largest

mass break-out
in Gulag history.

You will get 30 years.
Maybe 50.

But...
No "buts," Kermit.

You didn't finish
Gulag Annual Revue,

and you didn't even
say goodbye.

What?
What?

You are coming with me.
Now, move!

(STAMMERING)
Fellas, listen. Easy.

No, no, no! Kermit!

Wait!

We're sorry, Kermit.

We're sorry that we didn't
notice you were missing.

We're sorry we didn't tell you
often enough

how much you mean
to all of us.

We're sorry we ever
took you for granted.

But that's never
going to happen again.

Because if Kermit
has to go back to the gulag...

You'll have to take me, too.

No.

You're my best friend, Kermit.
Wherever you go, I go.

You'll have to take me, too.

And me.

Kermit, we convinced ourselves
that evil frog was you

because he gave us
what we thought we wanted.

When what we really wanted...

What we really needed...

Was you, Kermit.

The actual, real you.

It would appear
you were right, Kermit.

I guess this is your family.

And families belong together.

You are free to go.
(ALL GASP)

Forever.

(ALL CHEERING)

Kermit, did you hear that?
We're free!

Nadya, thank you! Great!

That's wonderful!

Wait!

Hey, guys, listen.

We still have to finish
our world tour.

And I know
where we need to play next.

For one night only...

Siberia, Russia!

(ALL CHEERING)

Yes, yes!

I'll pack my swimsuit
right away!

Oh, wonderful!

It's terrible.

You will hate it.
You will hate it.

KERMIT: Okay, guys,
this is it.

The Gulag Finale!

Here we go!

A-one, two, three, four!

♪ Together again, again

♪ Gee, it's good to be
together again, again

♪ I just can't imagine
that you've ever been gone

♪ It's not starting over
It's just going on

♪ Together again, again

♪ Now we're here

♪ And there's no need
remembering when

♪ Because no feeling
feels like that feeling

♪ Together again

♪ Again, again, again!

Whoo-hoo!

♪ Together again, again

♪ Gee, it's good to be
together again, again

♪ I just can't imagine
that you've ever been gone

♪ It's not starting over

♪ It's just going on

♪ Together again, again

♪ Now we're here

♪ And there's no need
remembering when

♪ 'Cause no feeling
feels like that feeling

♪ Together again

♪ Again

(SINGING IN RUSSIAN)

♪ I just can't imagine
that you've ever been gone

♪ It's not starting over
It's just going on

♪ Together again, again

♪ Gee, it's good to be
together again, again

♪ 'Cause no feeling
feels like that feeling

♪ Together a-...

♪ Together a-...

♪ Together again! ♪

Okay, Nadya, this is it.
Your solo.

NADYA: Kermit!

(FIREWORKS WHISTLING)

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

(HUMMING)

(LAUGHS)

(GRUNTING)

Oh, boy.

Hey, pull the rope!

Oh, right.

(BOTH GRUNTING)

This cast is really heavy.

Rowlf, come here.
Come here, come here.

ROWLF: Yeah,
what do you got there?

FOZZIE: Take this.

(ROWLF GRUNTING)

You should have negotiated
a smaller font size.

(GROANS LOUDLY)

(SPEAKING GIBBERISH)

I believe I may have something
that could help.

This is my automated
end-crawl operating machine.

All I have to do
is push this button,

and it will crawl
all by itself.

(CONTINUES GRUNTING)

Whoa!

(BEAKER SCREAMING)

Oh. Let's try this.

(SWEETUMS GROANS)

(BEAKER SCREAMING)

Another qualified success.

(BEAKER MOANING)

(SWEETUMS GROANING)

Check this out.

(LAUGHS)

You can go home now, Ma.
The movie is over.