Muppet Treasure Island (1996) - full transcript

(BUZZING)

(GULLS SQUAWKING)

MAN: (WITH SCOTTISH ACCENT)
I was Flint's first mate that voyage,

three days east of Tortola
in the Caribie.

Flint knew an island.

That's where we buried the treasure.

Gold and blood,
they were Flint's trademarks.

He'd leave both behind him that day.

Shiver my timbers
shiver my soul

Yo ho, heave ho

There are men whose hearts
are as black as coal



Yo ho, heave ho

And they sailed their ship
'cross the ocean blue

A bloodthirsty captain
and a cutthroat crew

It's as dark a tale as was ever told

Of the lust for treasure
and the love of gold

Shiver my timbers
shiver my sides

Yo ho, heave ho

There are hungers as strong
as the winds and tides

Yo ho, heave ho

And those buccaneers
drown their sins in rum

The devil himself would
have to call them scum

Every man aboard would have
killed his mate

For a bag of guineas or a piece of eight

A piece of eight



- A piece of eight
- A five six seven eight

Hulla wacka, ulla wacka
something not right

Many wicked icky things
gonna happen tonight

Hulla wacka, moolah wacka
sailor man beware

When de money in de ground
dere's murder in de air

Murder in the air

One more time now.

Shiver my timbers
shiver my bones

Yo ho, heave ho

There are secrets that sleep
with old Davy Jones

Yo ho, heave ho

When the mainsail's set
and the anchor's weighed

There's no turning back
from any course that's laid

And when greed and villainy
sail the sea

You can bet your boots
there'll be treachery

(LAUGHING)

Shiver my timbers
shiver my sails

Dead men tell no tales

(GUNSHOTS)

MAN: (WITH SCOTTISH ACCENT)
Oh, aye.

Fifteen men went ashore that day,

and only Flint, his own self, returned.

Oh, aye, and then old Flinty

up and died afore they could get
back to that cursed island

and dig up the treasure.

No one knows to this day
who has old Flint's map.

ALL: Now, isn't that a story
worth the hearing?

It was the first dozen times we heard it.

I'll drink to that.
(CHUCKLES)

But who has the map now, huh?

Some black-hearted,
squid-suckin' buccaneer?

Or maybe it's
our very own Jim Hawkins.

Eh, Jimmy?

If I had it, my friends and I

wouldn't be here
serving you rum, Mr. Bones.

That's right.
We'd be out searching for that treasure,

sailing the seven seas
on a five-year mission,

boldly going where no man
has gone before.

- Say, that's catchy.
- Huh. Not me.

(CHUCKLES) If I had that treasure map,
I'd be tradin' it for a decent meal.

Hey, Gonzo, you think
he's gonna eat this?

Aye! Beware the one-legged man!
He's the one to fear!

Don't worry, Captain.
We'll watch for him.

Yeah, I'll watch for him...
If he's deliverin' a pizza.

(LAUGHING) Oh!

Even old Flinty feared him.

If he comes pokin' 'round here,
you run for me whippety-quick!

- If we see him, we'll tell you.
- Yeah. One leg, three heads,

couple of dozen noses,
if anything weird happens...

And it'll be nay jokin' matter, hose nose.

The one-legged man brings death.

WOMAN: Time, gentlemen!

- Closing time!
- (ALL GROANING)

Ya pays your bills,
and then ya shove off.

- Go on, out ya go!
- (MOOING)

(GROANS, SIGHS)

- You're drunk again, are ya?
- (MOOS)

Boys, look at the state of this place!

How comes it gets to be
such a pigsty, huh?

Pigsty? Hey!

No offense meant, gentlemen, sirs.
No offense meant.

- Here's to you, boys!
- WOMAN: Time!

- I'm away to my room.
- PATRON: Thank you, Mr. Bones.

GONZO: Thank you, Bill.
WOMAN: There you go! Don't forget

to come back tomorrow
for our lunchtime special.

- Roast suckling...
- TOGETHER: Huh?

Potatoes, sir.

- (CHUCKLING) Potatoes.
- Oh. All right.

- No... No offense, madam. No offense.
- Ha!

(GROWLS)

All right, boys.

(RASPBERRY)

When you're finished here,
you can go and clean up in the kitchen.

I left some table scraps
in there for your supper.

Oh, yes, and boys,

last night you forgot
to put out the lantern!

If you forget that again,
there'll be no table scraps for a week!

(GROWLS)

GONZO: (GRUNTING) You're standing
on my ear.

Easy. Whoa, whoa, whoa! Easy, Rizzo!

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

That's it. Steady.

- I hate my life.
- I hate your life too.

If I had a life, I'd hate it.

I should just run off to sea
like my father did.

He was my age when he sailed to
China as a cabin boy.

He wound up a first mate.

Run off to sea
and just leave everybody?

Who's everybody?
I'm an orphan. I've got no family.

- Hey, you got us!
- Yeah, we're family. Ah, got it.

- Whoa! Oh!
- Oh!

Ow!

(BOTH GROANING)

I mean, some family we are.

Be serious, Rizzo.
We don't exactly look alike.

Okay, all right.
So I'm a rat and you're a human being

- and Gonzo's a, uh...
- Uh, whatever.

Yeah. I mean, we're still...
We're still family.

Yeah. Yeah,
but I wish my life were more like

one of Captain Bones' adventures,

sailing the high seas
and searching for buried treasure.

Yeah, discovering
lost islands and weird civilizations.

Navigating with
my father's old compass

to wherever the wind may take us.

Off to Zanzibar
to meet the Zanzibarbarians.

Here they go again.

To the southwest, pirate galleons!

To the southeast, multi-armed
Zanzibanian shark women

and their exploding wigs of death!

WOMAN: To the northwest,
dirty dishes!

How does she do that?

- Might as well start. I'll wash.
- Yeah. I'll dry.

GONZO: I'll break.

I look around here and I want to cry

- Ah, me too.
- Yeah.

I feel like the world is passing me by

Hey, hey, hey!

It is.

And I just can't help but wonder

Am I doomed to wash and dry

and is it a curse I'm under
to do it 'til I die

- Oh, I hope not.
- Yeah.

When I could be an explorer

Sure ya could.

Sailing off to distant lands

Not so fast.

Instead of spending every afternoon

just getting dishpan hands

My future looks like nowhere
that I want to be

There's gotta be something better

Something better

There's gotta be something
better than this for me

Well, now you're talkin'!

If it's weird and wild let's go and find it

(LAUGHING)

The crazier, the better is what I say

Yeah, that's true.
(CHUCKLES)

To tell the truth I really wouldn't mind it

Mind what?

If we found someplace
with 10 square meals a day

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

Let danger call my name

If it does I'm gonna hide

I'll put my courage to the test

And I'll be by your side

He'll be by your side

There's gotta be
something better than this

- Something more than this
- I know that there's so much out there

- To see
- To see

And I know this life I'm living

Can't be my destiny

There's gotta be something better

Something better

There's gotta be something
better than this for me

- And me!
- Wait a minute. What about me?

There's something better
than this for you and

Me

Enough of this singin'!

Rum! I need rum, lads!

I got the horrors! Give me rum!

- (SHOUTS)
- Rum 'til I float!

All right! All right! Just one small one.

WOMAN: Don't be giving him
anymore rum!

How does she bloody do that?

- (CLANKING)
- Shh! Shh!

(KNOCKING)

(LAUGHING) Billy Bones!

It's me, Blind Pew.

I know you're here, Billy.

Oh! Ah!

Ya sniveling coward!

It's some kind of a blind fiend.

I believe they prefer
"visually challenged fiend."

Ah! I heard that! There's someone here!

Ooh! Uh, no.

Over here!

(GROWLS) Hmm, over here.

(CHUCKLING)

- (TRUMPETS)
- (LAUGHING)

Billy Bones! Ah, I'd know
that scurvy mug of yours anywhere.

- (TRUMPETING)
- Excuse me, sir, but the bar is closed.

- Oh-ho!
- (GRUNTS) Ah!

Aha! A pretty little girl, is it?

Yes. Take me to Billy Bones, my pet.

JIM: (STAMMERING)
You've come to the wrong place.

There's no Billy Bones here,
and I'm not a girl.

Oh, I may be visually challenged,
but I can see you're lying.

Huh?

(SHRIEKING)

Good evening, Bill.

I know it's you.

Yes. You thought
you could get away with it, didn't you?

Just take it all for yourself

and leave your shipmates with nothing.

(SIGHS) We're not pleased
with that, Bill. Not at all.

We want you to have this!

(LAUGHING)

Oh! Ah! Oh-ho-ho!

Whoa-ho-ho-ho! Whoa-ho-ho-ho!

Oh! Oh! Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho!

(CLEARING THROAT)

(CAT SCREECHES)

Watch where you're going,
you stupid cat!

The black spot!

(SCREAMS)

But I don't understand.
What is the black spot?

The black spot's
a pirate's death sentence!

- Whoa!
- Fabulous.

They'll be comin' to kill me tonight!

- RIZZO: We'd better help.
- Yeah, let's get some stuff.

It's my old sea chest
them lubbers are after!

Underwear.

But I'll trick them! I'll shake out
another reef and daddle 'em again!

You wanna run that
by us again in English, Mr. Bones?

It's mine!
I'm goin' for that treasure myself!

And no one-legged son
of a bilge rat will...

(GAGGING)

Captain Bones!

He died? And this is supposed
to be a kids' movie.

- Oh.
- Oh.

Jimmy. Jim. Jimmy, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim.

You always
been a decent sort to old Billy Bones.

But I'm not Jimmy, Jim, Jimmy,
Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim.

He's Jimmy, Jim, Jimmy, Jim,
Jim, Jim, Jim.

- Jim!
- Yes, Captain.

Jim, Jimmy, Jimmy, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim.

- Yes, Captain. What is it?
- Take the map!

- What map?
- The map to old Flint's treasure!

Don't ya understand
what I been tellin' ya?

I was Flinty's first mate!
We all were! Blind Pew and me!

Ah, me own shipmates,
they'll gully me for sure!

And anybody else to get
their mitts on that map!

(STAMMERING)
And gullying hurts, right?

- Oh, aye! A lot!
- (WHIMPERING)

So quick! Go to my sea chest!
Get the map!

- Oh!
- Oh, yeah!

- (GRUNTING) Oh!
- Oh, there. There.

Oh, I think I've... Oh, no.

- Hey, guys, look!
- Rizzo!

(LAUGHS)

- Oh, here! How about this?
- Let's see.

- (GRUNTS)
- Oh.

- (GRUNTING) Whoops.
- (GRUNTING)

- Hey, Rizzo, look.
- (GASPS) Oh.

- It is a treasure map.
- We're gonna be rich.

We're gonna be dead.

- Beware, lads!
- (BOTH SCREAM)

Beware!

- What? The one-legged man?
- Aye! But also,

beware runnin' with scissors
or any other pointy objects.

It's all good fun 'til somebody loses an...

(GROANS)

Captain?

(GULPS)

We're standing in a room
with a dead guy!

- (BOTH SCREAMING)
- (SCREAMING)

Jim! Ah!

(SCREAMING CONTINUES)

- (GLASS SHATTERS)
- (SCREAMING CONTINUES)

- (ALL GROWL)
- (WHIMPERING)

Oh, Billy Bones! Trick or treat!

(LAUGHING)

(ALL SCREAMING)

Don't try to hide, Billy!
You know what we want!

(SCREAMING CONTINUES)

- (GROWLS)
- (PIRATES SHOUTING)

Where are ya, Billy Bones?
Where are ya, Billy?

(SHOUTING CONTINUES)

JIM: (POUNDING ON DOOR)
Mrs. Bluveridge!

There's no use in hiding!

(GROWLS)

JIM: Please! Please!

Can't a woman get her beauty
sleep anymore?

- (GLASS SHATTERS)
- Ooh! Jim, what you doing?

Aha! Aha! Ah? Oh!

Voila!

(LAUGHS)

(CHIMES RINGING)

- Okay, okay. I found the gun. Okay.
- Oh, now we gotta load it.

- (GRUNTING) Oops.
- (GRUNTING)

(SNEEZES)

Okay, where does
Mrs. Bluveridge keep the bullets?

- (ALL GROWLING)
- Billy's dead,

and he hasn't got the bloody map!

(SNARLS)

- Those little girls must have it.
- Yeah!

- Get them!
- ALL: Yeah!

- Gonzo! Gonzo!
- What? What?

I found the bullets.
See? Here they are. They...

- Oops.
- (ALL SNARL)

Open up in there! We wants the map,
and we'll skewer anybody

who gets in the way!

Quick, Jim! The back stairs!

(PIRATES SHOUTING)

Come on.

Run! Run!

- (GUNSHOTS)
- Ooh!

(ALL SNARLING, LAUGHING)

(GROWLS)

Get out of my inn,
you tattooed miseries!

(ALL SHOUTING, GRUNTING)

Can't a woman
get a night's sleep alone?

- You come here, you!
- (GIBBERING)

This gun is useless!

- You lost all the bullets!
- Well, you're losin' the powder.

- (BOTH SCREAM)
- The map!

Tell us where it is or die!

- (BOTH SCREAMING)
- BLACK DOG: Get them!

- (SCREAMING CONTINUES)
- Run! Run, run, run!

(SCREAMS)

PIRATES: Hurry! Hurry!

(ALL SCREAMING)

(SCREAMING CONTINUES)

No! Outta the way! Get outta the way!

(SCREAMING CONTINUES)

Stop!

Oh, woof.

(SCREAMS)

Ow!

- (EXPLOSION)
- GONZO: Ah! Geronimo!

- (GRUNTS)
- Guys!

- Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!
- Wow! What an exit!

- Right through a brick wall!
- I am in such pain.

- Come on!
- (EXPLOSION)

- I think I smell something burning, no?
- (PIRATES SHOUTING)

What are we gonna do?
What are we gonna do?

- We can't go home, so...
- (SHOUTING CONTINUES)

- Ooh.
- Oh, no! Uh-uh!

No way! You're not takin' me on
some crazy treasure hunt!

- I am staying right here!
- Oh, good idea, Rizzo.

Then you can see what
half-burned, vicious pirates look like.

What are we waitin' for?

- Gimme that map. Let's go.
- (LAUGHING)

Wait a minute.
What about Mrs. Bluveridge?

(MRS. BLUVERIDGE SNARLS)

(GROANING)

- I'll be fine, boys! Run for it!
- (GROANS)

ALL: How does she do that?

- (SCREAMING)
- Who's gonna clean all this up?

Two for a penny, sir?

- I don't want a baked potato.
- Lovely hot baked potatoes!

- Basted with butter!
- (YAWNS)

- Oh, let's see.
- Oh, what a night.

There it is!

BOTH: Huh? Oh!

"Trelawney and Son,
Master Ship Builders."

(PANTING)

Whoa, whoa! Reality check here, guys!

Do we actually believe some
bozo's gonna give us a ship

just because we show him
Captain Bones' map?

- It's worth a try, Rizzo.
- (DOOR OPENS)

I don't know.

May I help you?

Yes. Thank you. We wish to speak
with Squire Trelawney, the ship builder.

- We need a ship.
- Ah, I'm sorry.

The Squire's in Long Neddry
for the grouse season.

He will return on the feast of St. Lulu.

- Thank you.
- That's that.

Of course, his rich,

half-wit son young
Squire Trelawney's here.

- (CHUCKLING)
- We'll see him, then.

(RIZZO AND GONZO CHUCKLING)

Well, gentlemen,

this is definitely
a genuine, bona fide treasure map.

- Oh!
- Really!

Oh, yes. Mr. Bimbo told me so.

Oh, Mr. Bimbo lives in my finger.

He's very smart. He's been to the moon.

Thank you. Twice.

- I smell a bozo.
- Mmm-hmm.

- (EXPLOSION)
- (SCREAMS)

- (SQUEAKING) Ooh!
- (CHUCKLING)

(COUGHING) Well done, Beakie.

- (SQUEAKING)
- (BLOWING)

Now we know that is definitely
too much gunpowder.

- (SQUEAKING)
- (CHUCKLING)

Beaker, stop fooling around.

We've got company.

(MOANS)

Oh, hello, chappies. Everyone, this is
Dr. Livesey and his assistant, Beaker.

They do research
and development for my papa.

Hello.

Actually, Squire, we were
hoping to meet your father.

- We need a ship for an ocean voyage.
- Ocean? Ocean.

- Ocean?
- You know, the ocean?

Uh, the big, blue, wet thing?

Oh!

(STAMMERING)
The big, blue, wet thing! Yes!

Say, I know what's happening here.

You chaps are planning
to sail to this island, aren't you?

- To dig up this treasure.
- Yes, but we must be quiet about it.

- There are pirates looking for this map.
- And they wanna kill us for it.

Isn't that exciting?

Pirates, eh? Well, that settles it.

We'll use one of my daddy's boats,

and I will personally finance the
voyage for the treasure myself.

You'll do that! Really?

Certainly. What are rich,
half-wit sons for?

Well, here's the dock.
Jim, where's our boat?

We're on a dock?
No wonder I'm seasick.

- Ahoy!
- Ah, morning, Squire.

Welcome. Welcome. Ah, there she is.

The Hispaniola.

(ALL GASP IN AWE)

RIZZO: Wow! Whoo-hoo!

Come on, let's go!

GONZO: Yeah, let's go.

- "Take a cruise," you said.
- Huh?

- "See the world," you said.
- Huh?

Now here we are
stuck on the front of this stupid ship.

Well, it could be worse.
We could be stuck in the audience.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Well, Mr. Bimbo,

the ship is provisioned,
the crew is in place,

and the Captain should be
on board within the hour.

You have been a busy little man.

Ugh.

- Look, there goes Jim.
- Oh, yeah, yeah.

(GRUNTING) Ooh! Ooh, look!

It's the boat steering thing.

- This is called the helm.
- Ah.

Hey, how does it feel,
Captain Hawkins?

Feels like we're really doing it.

It feels like we're finally
having an adventure!

Yeah. I'm starvin'. Where's the kitchen?

(GRUNTS)

MAN: Heigh ho and up she rises

Something smells good.

Heigh ho and up she rises

Cool.

Heigh ho and up she rises

early in the morning

Put him in the longboat until he's sober

Put him in the longboat 'til he's sober

- early in the morning
- (CLEARING THROAT)

- What have we here? Stowaways!
- (ALL GASP)

I'm afraid we shish-kebab
and barbecue stowaways on this ship.

- (WHIMPERING)
- (SNARLS)

- (LAUGHING)
- (LAUGHING)

Wait, I know.
You must be the cabin boys.

- Yeah.
- Hungry, lads?

Ha! Well, in my galley, you're always
welcome to help yourselves!

Yes! Thank you!

(LAUGHING)

Yahoo!

(LAUGHING)

Oh, yes!

(GOBBLING)

Well, he's got a healthy appetite.
How about you, funny face?

- Huh?
- Here.

Hey. Thank you.

My name is Gonzo,
and the guy in your chicken is Rizzo.

- (GOBBLING CONTINUES)
- Yo!

- And you must be Master Hawkins.
- Yes, sir.

Oh, you needn't be callin'
a lowly ship's cook "sir."

Long John Silver,
at your humble service.

Well, we're just cabin boys, Mr. Silver.

Long John to his friends.

And believe me, lad,

a friend you can trust
is worth his weight in gold.

There's many a dark-hearted
scoundrel in these ports.

Well, what do you mean? Pirates?

- Shh!
- Pirates! Oh-ho-ho! That's rich!

Pirates? What an imagination.
Give me a cracker.

Allow me to introduce
my pet lobster Polly.

Pieces of eight! Pieces of eight!

(SQUAWKS, WHISTLES)

Raised him from a fingerling, I did.

As fine a crustacean
as a man could ask for.

(CHUCKLES)

But I thought sailors
had talking parrots as pets.

Talking parrots?

Heh! What an imagination.
First pirates, now talking parrots?

What's next? A singing, dancing
mouse with his own amusement park?

Whoo-hoo!

That's enough now, Polly. Go on! Shoo!

(CRASHING, POLLY SQUAWKS)

Right, me hearties, I'm gonna give you
a cook's tour of this fine ship.

(GROANS) If you're gonna be the cook
on this ship, Mr. Silver,

I am definitely gonna need
bigger pants.

(LAUGHING)

(BOTH GASP)

What's the matter, lads?

Oh, that?

Lost that timber-fighting brigands off
Madagascar under Admiral Hawke.

There's many a man lost a leg
and worse in the service of the king.

Why, look what a cannibal took off me

in exchange for me own life.

(LAUGHING)

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Oh, you're a fine pair, lads.
That you are.

Bright as buttons, the lot of ye.

- (BELL RINGING)
- MAN: All hands on deck!

Come on, then, lads.

Chop, chop. Look lively now.
The Captain will be here soon.

(CREW CHATTERING, SHOUTING)

Chop, chop!

- Ooh.
- Who's that?

SQUIRE: Oh, that is Mr. Arrow,
the first mate, a capital fellow.

- (TRUMPET FANFARE PLAYS)
- (GASPS)

The Captain approaches.

- (HONKING)
- (NEIGHS)

Move aside! Make way!
Make ready for the Captain!

Lollygaggers will suffer his wrath!

Wrath? Is this captain bad-tempered?

Is he bad-tempered?
The man is a raging volcano

tormented by inner demons the likes
of which mere mortals cannot fathom.

He's got demons? Cool!

(CLUCKING)

(WHINNIES)

(TOWNSPEOPLE SHOUTING)

(SCREAMS) Maniac!

- (PEOPLE SHOUTING, SCREAMING)
- (HONKING)

(GRUNTING)

ALL: Ooh.

Heigh-ho, everyone.

- What... That...
- That's the raging volcano?

- JIM: He's a frog!
- Maybe he gets hopping mad.

Hopping mad!

- (LAUGHING)
- (LAUGHING, SIGHS)

(WHISTLE BLOWING)

Piping aboard
Captain Abraham Smollett.

Good day, Mr. Arrow.

Hmm.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Ah, I knew it. He's furious.

- Ah, you there!
- Me?

You were in charge of railing dust.

Thirty lashes
and then you walk the plank.

I didn't say that, Mr. Arrow.

I was anticipating your whim, sir.
Humph.

Oh. You must be the cabin boys.

- Uh, yes, sir!
- Which one of you is Hawkins?

I am, sir.

I knew your father, Jim.
He was a good man.

Thank you, sir.

Well, this is shapin' up

- to be a fine voyage, lads.
- Mmm.

Oh, yes, indeed.

(NERVOUS CHUCKLE)

Uh, one leg, Jim. Count 'em. One.

Remember what Billy Bones said.

Oh, Gonzo, he seems all right.

I mean, Long John's only a cook.
How dangerous could he be?

Well, I don't know, but I...

Wait a minute. Where's Rizzo?

Enjoy your cruise, sir. Next!

All right, folks, have your checks
made out to "rat tours limited."

Remember, we put the rat in "pirate."

- (TOURISTS CHATTERING)
- Ooh.

Why, thank you, Mr. Plagueman. Next!

- Rizzo, what are you doing?
- What? Oh, this.

Well, I figure if the treasure map's a dud,

the trip won't be a total
loss financially speaking.

Ah, the wind seems to be freshening.

The tide is with us.
Mr. Arrow, this voyage has begun.

This voyage has begun!
Raise the gangplank!

- Right, lads!
- Let go forward line!

Let go aft line. Hard to starboard.

Any man caught dawdling
will be shot on sight.

- I didn't say that.
- I was just paraphrasing.

- Uh, Mr. Arrow, just set the sails.
- Set the sails!

TOURIST: Hey, where's my camera?

- I'll miss you!
- We'll send postcards!

- Good-bye!
- Good-bye!

When the course is laid
and the anchor's weighed

a sailor's blood begins racing

With our hearts unbound
and our flag unfurled

We're underway and off
to see the world

Underway and off to see the world

Heave ho, we'll go

Anywhere the wind is blowing

Manly men are we

Sailing for adventure
on the deep blue sea

Safely now, Mr. Silver. Let's not get
sloppy just because we're singing.

(LAUGHING) Aye, aye, sir!

Danger walks on deck
we say what the heck

We laugh at the perils we're facing

Every storm we ride is its own reward

And people die by fallin' overboard

(WAVE CRASHES)

People die by falling overboard

Heigh ho, we'll go

Anywhere the wind is blowing

Hoist the sails and sing

Sailing for adventure
on the big blue wet thing

I love to see 'em cry
when they walk the plank

I prefer to cut a throat

I love to hang 'em high
and watch their little feet

try to walk in the air
while their faces turn blue

Just kidding.
(CHUCKLES)

It's a good life on a boat

There are distant lands
with burning sands

that call across the oceans

There are bingo games
every fun-filled day

And margaritas at the midnight buffet

Margaritas at the midnight buffet

Heigh ho, we'll go

Anywhere the wind is blowing

Should have took a train

Sailing for adventure
on the bounding main

The salty breezes whisper

who knows what lies ahead

I just know I was born to lead

the life my father led

The stars will be our compass

wherever we may roam

And our mates will always be

just like a family

And though we may put into port

the sea is always home

All right, Mr. Bimbo. I didn't know you
had such a good singing voice.

You're welcome.

We'll chase our dreams
standing on our own

Over the horizon to the great unknown

Heigh ho, we'll go

Anywhere the wind is blowing

Bold and brave and free

Sailing for adventure

It's so nauseating!

Sailing for adventure

So exhilarating!

Sailing for adventure

We're all celebrating!

On the deep blue sea

- Hoo-hoo-hoo!
- Ahoy!

(WHISTLE BLOWING)

Roll call!

Long John Silver?

- Aye, aye, sir!
- Short Stack Stevens?

- Aye!
- One-eyed Jack?

- Aye.
- Black Eyed Pea.

- Yeah.
- Wall-eyed Pike.

Aye.

- Polly Lobster.
- (SQUAWKS, WHISTLES)

- Mad Monty.
- Aye.

- Sweetums.
- Aye.

(GULPS)

- Old Tom.
- Aye-aye.

- Real Old Tom.
- Aye.

- Dead Tom?
- Aye, aye.

- (SHIVERING)
- Cool.

- Clueless Morgan?
- Huh?

Headless Bill.

Big-fat-ugly-bug-face-baby-eating
O'Brien?

- (DEEP VOICE) Aye.
- (GASPS)

(CLEARING THROAT)

Angel Marie.

Aye, aye.

Hmm. Hmm.

Hmm. Ah. Uh, uh.

Gentlemen, may I see you in my cabin?

- (GASPS) Mmm-hmm. Oh.
- Immediately?

Who hired this crew?
This is undoubtedly the seediest bunch

of cutthroats, villains and
scoundrels I have ever seen!

So who hired 'em?
(PANTING)

Your finger hired the crew?

No, that's silly. The man who lives in
my finger hired the crew, Mr. Bimbo.

What? Ah!

Yeah, he relied heavily on the advice
of our excellent cook Long John Silver.

(WHIMPERS) A cook?

And a guy who lives in a bear's finger?

Exactly!

(BOTH GROAN)

Hmm. I'm starting to worry
about this voyage.

Mmm-hmm.

Uh, Jim, I know Billy Bones gave you

the treasure map, but I hope you'll
give it to me for safekeeping.

I'll be careful with it, sir.

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

Beggin' your pardon, gentlemen,

but I've come with a bit of a treat for you.

'Tis my very own best brandy,

laid down by the brothers
of Buckfast Abbey,

vintage 1737,

to toast to a prosperous voyage.

- Oh, spiffy.
- I'm sorry, Mr. Silver, but I'm not

going to allow drinking on this voyage.

- Oh, well, rules are rules.
- Oh, but, sir,

'tis a tradition for the officers to
toast to the success of a voyage.

Ah, very true.

No. We must set an
example for this questionable crew.

There will be no consumption
of alcohol of any kind.

Oh.

Oh, sir, but I can vouch
for this crew myself.

You could sail to heaven

- and back with these men.
- Ah.

Well, I'm afraid I must disagree with you.

- Oh.
- (SCREAMING)

You wanna knock it off with the booze?

It's peelin' paint off
of the shuffleboard court.

- Sorry.
- Come on, girls.

You told him.

And that's that.
This conversation is finished.

I understand, sir.

I shall tend to my duty and see to it

that every drop of alcohol
is thrown overboard.

Come on, Jim. Don't bother Captain.

Uh, you can go if you want to, Jim.

- Come on.
- Yeah.

(GASPS) Oh, well.

I guess the human beings
wanna hang out together,

don't wanna spend time
with a rat and a...

- Uh, uh, whatever. Huh.
- Yeah. Huh.

(PLAYING MUSIC)

- Say cheese!
- Cheese!

Oh, that's great. Heh.

Cute couple.

(CHUCKLING)

(LAUGHING)

Stop it!

I never felt like this before.

- RAT: Denise, what I'm trying to say...
- Yes?

- What I'm trying to say is...
- Yes?

- What I mean to say is, I...
- Yes?

(KISSING)

I'm sorry your present didn't work out.

Oh, Jim, Smollett sails
by rules and laws.

That's what bein' a captain's all about.

(INHALES) Me, I sails by the stars.

Stars?

North, Jim.

Find me north out there
among them stars.

Well, that's easy.

Ah, yeah, but what if
you don't have a compass?

- (LAUGHING)
- Long John, please don't drop it.

It was my father's.

It's all I have of his. Please. Please.

I'm sorry, lad. I were only foolin'.

How old were you when he died, then?

Seven.

I were eight when my father died at sea.

- First mate, he was.
- My father was a first mate too.

Was he, now?

By the powers. What a coincidence.

(LAUGHING)

Now, Jim,

that be Polaris, the North Star.

Even in the China Sea, that's north.

- North. Polaris.
- Uh-huh.

- So we must be heading southwest.
- Smart as paint you are, lad.

Smart as paint.

Now, that gets old Long John
to wonderin'.

Why would we be sailin' southwest?

The scuttlebutt among the crew
is that, uh,

we're sailin' for buried treasure

and, uh, someone on board

has a map.

'Course, none of my concern, Jim.

I'm just a ship's cook.

(GRUNTS)

Such matters are best suited
to Captain Smollett.

He runs this ship, not I.

Come on, Long John.
You could captain this ship.

That I could, lad.

Maybe someday I will.

(CHUCKLING)

(LAUGHING)

- Moonlight swim?
- Okay.

(LAUGHING)

(MUSIC STOPS)

(LAUGHING)

(MISS PIGGY'S VOICE) Oh, Smolly,

my love for you
is deeper than the deep, blue sea.

Hmm.

(SIGHS)

(LONG JOHN LAUGHING)

Get on with you! Go on!

(LAUGHING)

GONZO: Hi, Jim!

- Yo, Jimbo! Mornin', Long...
- Hi, Long John. Good morning.

Eh.

Well, at least one of
us is having a good time.

Ah, Rizzo, it's not so bad.
Angel Marie said that later on,

he'd throw a line out the back and let
me drag along the bottom.

(LAUGHING)

I don't know about this crew.

I feel like they're always watchin'
us, just waitin' to pounce.

Ah, that's just a figment
of your imagination.

- (LAUGHING)
- (BOTH SCREAMING)

This is a figment of my imagination?

(GROANS)

Now, tell us where the map is

or we'll tear ya limb from limb!

- (WHIMPERS)
- Never. My friend and I will never tell.

Hey, hey, there could be
extenuatin' circumstances.

(STAMMERING) I mean,
you know, uh... If, uh...

Maybe they'll ask real nice.
(CHUCKLES)

- In your dreams!
- Do it, Monty! Do it!

Yeah, do it to me!

(CHUCKLING)

- (GRUNTING)
- Whoa! Oh! Oh!

Yes! Ah! More!

- Oh, no, I can't look.
- Look at this!

I'm taller! This is so cool!

I may even have a future with the NBA.

(LAUGHING)

This won't work!
He likes it! Let's torture the rat!

- Huh? No! No, no, no, no!
- (LAUGHING) Yeah!

- No, no, no, no, no!
- Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yes.

- No! No! Oh, no!
- (LAUGHING) Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, please, no! I hate basketball!

(SIGHS) I got a lovely recipe
for blackened rat.

No!

- (PIRATES LAUGHING)
- (GASPS)

Oh.

I say! This does not look safe!

(SIZZLING)

(YELLS) Whoo! Whoo!

What? What? What? What?

Oh, I... I burned my hand. Oh.

- (BLOWING) Oh, kiss it or something!
- Hmm.

GONZO: (LAUGHING) Oh!

(LAUGHS) Oh!

Poodly, poodly, poodly,
poodly, poodly.

Mr. Arrow, lock those three up
for the remainder of the voyage.

- Yes, sir!
- (CRYING)

You can't hold us!

- To the brig! Move along!
- Will you stop crying? Will you shut up!

MR. ARROW: Move along.
GONZO: Oh, good. That's good. Yeah.

Whoo!

Master Hawkins, may I see
you in my cabin, please?

Yes, sir.

- Ready, Mr. Gonzo?
- Ready!

- Tie off the rope, Beaker!
- (SQUEAKS)

We call this the window shade cure.

(CHUCKLES)

All right. Snip, snip, snip.

Yeow! Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Oh, great! Wow! Ha! Ah!

- Whoa!
- (SQUEAKS)

Hoo-hoo!

That was so cool!

(LAUGHING)

- Hmm?
- (MUFFLED SQUEAKING)

Oh, sure.

- (SQUEAKS)
- (LAUGHING)

- Who's the lady pig, sir?
- Never mind that, Jim. Listen.

I'm hoping you're willing to
give me the map now,

considering what's just happened.

- I'd rather not, sir.
- (SIGHS)

I'd hoped it wouldn't
come to this, Jim, but

as captain, I order you
to give me the map.

- Mr. Arrow?
- Aye, aye, Captain.

- Lock up this treasure map.
- Hmm.

It will be safe in here, sir.

(GULL SQUAWKS)

It's been six weeks
since we left England.

Five days since we had a breeze.

(GROANS)

Oh, no. I got the madness!

I got cabin fever!

I've got it too!

Cabin fever!

I got cabin fever it's burning in my brain

I got cabin fever it's driving me insane

We got cabin fever
we're flipping our bandanas

Been stuck at sea so long that
we have simply gone bananas

Chica chica boom chica
chica boom boom chic arriba!

Chica chica boom boom
chica chica boom boom chic

We, we, we got cabin fever

We lost what sense we had

We got cabin fever
we're all going mad

Grab your partner by the ears

- Lash him to the wheel
- Yee-haw!

Do-si-do, step on his toe
listen to him squeal

- Ow-hoo-hoo-hoo!
- Allemande left allemande right

it's time to sail or sink

Swing your partner over the side

Drop him in the drink
(CHUCKLES)

We've got cabin fever.

- No ifs, ands or buts.
- We're disoriented.

- And demented.
- BOTH: And a little nuts.

(SINGING) Ach du liebe
Volkswagen car

(YODELING)

(SINGING) Sauerbraten, wiener
schnitzel und wunderbar

We were sailing, sailing

The wind was on our side

And then it died.

I got cabin fever. I think I lost my grip.

I'd like to get my hands on
whoever wrote this script.

I was floating 'neath the tropic moon

and dreaming of a blue lagoon

Now I'm as crazy as a loon

(CHUCKLES)

Cabin fever has ravaged all aboard

This one small vessel has
become a floating psycho ward

We were sailing, sailing
heading who knows where

And now though we're all here

we're not all there

(ALL LAUGHING, SHOUTING)

Ooh!

ALL: Cabin fever! Ah!

- (BREEZE BLOWING)
- PIRATE: Look! The wind is back!

- PIRATE 2: What are we doin'?
- What's goin' on here?

- What was that?
- I feel like such a fool.

- SQUIRE: Yeah, me too.
- I hope nobody saw that.

Embarrassing.

- Get us outta here! Help!
- We didn't hit him!

MONTY: Come on, let us out.
We was only joking.

Ooh! Hey, Long John!
Hey! Get us outta here!

Yeah!

- Hey, Polly.
- What?

What was that song that just happened?

What are you talkin' about?

You know, uh, "Cabin fever. Ah."

- That.
- You see, John?

You gotta get us outta here now!
Clueless is startin' to go crackers!

Here you go.

- Your bread and water for today.
- But I ordered shrimp scampi.

It's more than you deserve,
ya villainous dogs!

(GASPS)

Oh, Jim.

By rights, I should be locked up too

for lettin' thieves like them
aboard this ship.

Oh, it chills me.

To think that they almost
killed your little friends

looking for some daft treasure map.

None of this would've happened if I'd
have given Captain Smollet the...

I mean...

What, lad?

I'm not really sure I should be talking
about this with you or with anyone.

You mean, you've really
got a treasure map?

Not anymore. Mr. Arrow took it and
locked it up in the Captain's cabin.

You must promise to keep it a secret.

Oh, don't bother your head about that.
You've only told old Long John.

Now, you run along and do your chores.
Go on.

Go on.

(CHUCKLING)

Safely now. Safely.

(IMITATES FOGHORN)

Steady as she goes.

Oh, Mr. Silver, good evening.

- Wicked fog tonight, sir.
- Hmm. Hmm.

Reminds me of the night
we ran aground off the Pampas.

Half the crew drowned in leaky lifeboats.

Ah, it were a terrible shame.

- Leaky lifeboats?
- Oh, a common occurrence, sir.

A little-used
piece of equipment falls into disrepair

- and becomes, uh, shall we say...
- Unsafe?

Oh, I'm not
sayin' our lifeboats are unsafe, sir.

I'm not sayin' we got problems, uh...

Still...

Hmm. Hmm. The caulking appears tight.

No dampness under the gunwale.

This one seems seaworthy.

Oh, well, sir, they do, of course, until
you get them out in the open ocean.

- Cast me off, Mr. Silver.
- Oh, yes, sir.

Oh, sir, is there anything
I can hold for you for safekeeping?

Your hat? Your coat? Um...

Your keys?

Hmm? My keys!

Of course. If they were to fall overboard,

(GRUNTS) it would be disastrous.

Oh, that it would, sir.

Oh! Cast me off, Mr. Silver!

Aye, aye, sir!

Thank you, Mr. Silver.

Just doin' my duty, sir.

(CHUCKLING)

Oh, yes, John.

(ROOSTER CROWS)

MAN: Man overboard!

(CLEARS THROAT)

Uh, yes.

- Oh, uh, I'm sorry, sir.
- Wha...

Mr. Arrow's gone overboard, and

all we found was his hat!

- (SOBBING)
- Oh, no.

And so, my friends, the sea has
claimed another loyal officer and friend.

SMOLLETT: This was a person
who served...

I got it! I got it!

Shh! Okay, after you, Monty.

- No, after you.
- Oh, will you just come on?

Mr. Samuel Arrow, a wonderful man who

used to get us up from our beds
before dawn for a good flossing.

Okay, okay.
Now, spread out and find the map.

Yeah.

May the wind be ever at your back,
Samuel Arrow.

Rest in peace, my friend.

- Amen.
- Amen.

- (MANIACAL LAUGHING)
- Shh.

Ha-ha-ha! See? See?

Wait! Open it! Open it!

No, we gotta take it to Long John.
Come on.

- Oh.
- (LAUGHING)

GONZO: (SPITS) This apple
has a worm in it.

RIZZO: That's not a worm.
That's my tail.

Oh.

- (MUNCHING)
- What's wrong?

Well, it just feels so weird.

You mean, that Mr. Arrow's dead?

Yeah, that, and my pants
are filled with starfish.

You and your hobbies!

- Rizzo.
- (BOTH SCREAM)

- Jim, we've missed you! Climb in!
- Can't. I'm doing my chores.

- Oh, come on. Share an apple.
- Yeah, come on!

Whoa! Oh!

Anyway, here's the plan.

I say we should kill that captain now.

POLLY: Then we'll get that twit of a bear!

CLUELESS: Can we make a rug
out of him?

(LAUGHING)

Oh, hi, Long John.

(LAUGHTER STOPS)

I'm an easy man.
A gentlemen of fortune, says most.

But it makes me sick at heart
to sail with the likes of you.

Now, get this straight.

If anyone mutinies before I says so,

I'll throw you overboard
like I did that scurvy mate Mr. Arrow!

I says, let the Captain
steer us closer to the island.

I've got the lad's treasure map now.

When the time is ripe, we'll kill 'em all!

POLLY: That's what I said!
That's what I said!

MONTY: Kill them all!

- MAN ON DECK: Land ho!
- Come on, lads! Let's go!

Yea! Land ho!

(LAUGHING)

(PIRATES CHATTERING, LAUGHING)

- Oh, my goodness.
- (WHIMPERING)

WALDORF: Land ho!

(LAUGHS)

Beachfront property!

Retirement estates!

- Bikinis!
- Bikinis!

Throw the mainsail! Drop anchor!

Bring her up hard
of starboard, helmsman.

Prepare to lower the longboats.

(CHATTERING, SHOUTING)

Bring those barrels over here, lads!

Helmsman, give a hand
with the longboats.

- Captain, may I speak with you?
- I'm sorta busy, Jim.

But, Captain, we just heard.
Long John is planning a mutiny,

and he's got the treasure map.

- Yeah.
- I see.

- Mr. Silver?
- Aye, aye, Cap'n!

Mr. Silver, I want you
to take the crew ashore at once.

We need water and provisions.
Take as long as you want.

(CHEERING)

Sir!

'Tis a task to my liking, sir. That it is!

Quickly, boys. Gather the officers
and meet me in my quarters.

- Quickly.
- Yes, sir.

This is a lucky break.
Captain lettin' us go ashore.

Us with the map and all.

It's like giving
the treasure to us on a silver platter.

Aye, that it is, Polly.
Never trust a silver platter.

(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)

Jim, lad!

There's room in the boat for one more.
Come along for an adventure.

I can't. The Captain wants me.

Oh, what a shame!
I'll miss you, lad. That I will.

Uh, Jim!
I seem to have left my crutch on board.

Hand it to me like a good lad, will ya?

There's a good boy.

Ah, it'll be a bit closer than that.
I can't reach it from there.

- (GRUNTS)
- Oh!

Cast away, men! Be quick now!

Go, go, go!

(LAUGHING)

The plan is simple.
Once the pirates are ashore,

we set sail and return in a year or so.

By then, all the fight
should be out of 'em.

Oh, now I understand.
That's a brilliant plan.

- Except for one thing.
- What's that?

The pirates have Jim!

I'm tired!

- You're what?
- I'm getting tired!

- He says go faster.
- I'm getting tired!

(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)

(LAUGHTER, SHOUTING)

Hey, man!
I can't figure out what side we're on.

Are we with the pirates
or the frog captain?

Oh, hey, man, just play the gig.

Never get involved in politics.

Politics! Politics!

LONG JOHN: Jim, lad!

(LAUGHTER)

Easy, Jim. 'Tis all in good fun.

Pleased I am to initiate you
into our enterprising, um... Company.

(LAUGHTER)

Which entitles you
to all the benefits thereof.

I don't want any benefits.

This is a one-time special offer, Jim, lad.

Say no and I will
be forced to terminate our relationship.

You're nothing but murdering pirates.

- Pirates!
- (GASPS)

(LAUGHING)

Pirates. Oh, Jim.

If that's what you're thinking,

you're dead wrong.

When I was just a lad

Looking for my true vocation

My father said now, son, this choice

deserves deliberation

Though you could be a doctor

Or perhaps a financier

My boy, why not consider
a more challenging career

Hey, ho, ho

You'll cruise to foreign shores

Sing it, lads!

And you'll keep your mind and body
sound by working out of doors

True friendship and adventure
are what we can't live without

And when you're a professional pirate

that's what the job's about

Upstage, lads! This is my only number.

Now take Sir Francis Drake
the Spanish all despise him

but to the British he's a
hero and they idolize him

It's how you look at buccaneers

that makes them bad or good

And I see us as members
of a noble brotherhood

- Hup!
- Hey, ho, ho

Oh, I love it! 'Tis poetry in motion.

We're honorable men

and before we lose our
tempers we will always count to ten

On occasion there may be
someone you have to execute

But when you're a professional pirate

you don't have to wear a suit

What?

I could have been a surgeon
I like taking things apart

I could have been a lawyer
but I just had too much heart

I could have been in politics

'cause I've always been a big spender

And me, I could have been a contender

(LAUGHTER)

Some say that pirates steal

and should be feared and hated

I say we're victims of bad press

It's all exaggerated

We'd never stab you in the back

We'd never lie or cheat

We're just about the nicest guys

you'd ever want to meet

- Well, look at us, Jim.
- (HUMMING)

We're a festival of conviviality.

(LAUGHTER)

Congeniality.

- That's conviviality, stupid.
- That's what I said.

We're ready, o capitán.

Good. You men guard
the ship while I'm gone.

We'll be back as soon as we get Jim.

- Aye, aye, Captain.
- Cast off, Mr. Beaker.

Thanks for coming along, men.

Are you kidding? Jim is family.

Yeah.

Tell the truth, lad.

Do you really
think the Captain and the Squire

are planning to share the
treasure with the likes of us?

Can't hear ya. No?

And we being the rightful owners.

Flint's own crew, who shed
our blood getting it here!

Join us, lad.

Donate your compass to the treasure
hunt and get a full share!

Hey, ho, ho it's one for all for one

And we'll share and
share alike with you

and love you like a son

We're gentlemen of fortune

and that's what we're proud to be

And when you're a professional pirate

You'll be honest brave and free

The soul of decency

You'll be loyal and fair
and on the square

And most importantly

When you're a professional pirate

You're always in the best

of company

(CANNON BLAST)

Down!

There! Captain Smollett
coming to rescue me.

Don't get your hopes up, laddie.

I've taken the liberty
of hiding a few of my best men aboard.

If a second round follows,

it means they've
taken over the Hispaniola,

and I'm the new cap'n.

(LAUGHTER)

Now, then.

- (CANNON BLAST)
- (CHEERING)

(GRUNTING, GROANING)

How infortuitous our firearms
weren't loaded, Beakie.

I'll say. We might have shot somebody.

(SIGHS)

I'm the only friend you've
got in the world now, Jim.

Let's dig up the treasure together, eh?

Shipmates, remember?

We'll be needing your compass, though.

No.

I'll be taking it either way, Jim.

- Ha!
- (CHEERING)

Come on then, lad. Let's not waste time.

- (PANTING)
- Well, it's too dark to do anything now.

We'll camp here and wait for first light.

(WHIMPERING)

Oh, hey, Rizzo, relax! Don't be so afraid.

Oh, I've gone way beyond afraid.

Right now I'm somewhere between

bed-wetting
and a near-death experience.

(CHUCKLING)

Good night, boys.

- Well, good night.
- Right.

- 'Night, Rizzo.
- Yeah, sure.

(WHIMPERING CONTINUES)

(GROWLING, GRUNTING)

Gonzo? Is that you, Gonzo?

Boy, Gonzo, it sounds like you're
coming down with a little cold there.

(STAMMERING) I'm just gonna
light a match if you don't mind, here.

(SCREAMING)

PIRATE: Long John, look!

Flint hung 'em up there
after he gullied 'em

to mark the trail to the treasure.

(GROANING)

Wicked sense of humor ol' Flinty had.

- It's a sign. This is a cursed place.
- Yeah!

Well, there's an informed opinion.

All right, Jim, lad, where to from here?

"On a heading of 179 degrees,

"walk 312 paces from where
the dead men hang high."

(GROANING)

That way!

- You're gonna go? You're gonna...
- Come on!

Howdy, vous, stinky
froggy man and friends.

I am Spa'am, high priest of the boars.

You mucho wickedness
go trespass on island.

Now you suffer the wrath of our queen,

Boom Sha-kal-a-kal.

Terrific. Captured by wild pigs and
sacrificed before a pagan altar.

- Are we lucky or what?
- Silence, smelly sailor mans!

You have violated sacred island.

Uh-uh, excuse me.
I am Captain Smollett.

We mean no harm to your culture.

We embrace all creatures
of different nationalities.

- Silence!
- (GASPS)

Bring forth Boom Sha-kal-a-kal.

That can't be good.

Boom sha-kal-a-kal
Boom sha-kal-a-kal

(CHANTING CONTINUES)

These tropical floor shows are so exotic.

Yeah, and the food is to die for.

(CHANTING CONTINUES)

(ELEPHANT TRUMPETING)

(TRUMPETING)

Boom sha-kal-a-kal

Bonsoir, mes amis.

(GIGGLES)

- (GASPS)
- Come, Flaubert.

(SCREAMS, GRUNTING)

(YELLING, GROANING)

(SIGHING)

Flaubert! Get away, you stupid anteater!
You spoiled my entrance.

Boom sha-kal-a-kal
Boom sha-kal-a-kal

- Oh, knock it off!
- Oh.

(GIGGLING)

Greetings. Moi am Benjamina Gunn.

Maroonee, temptress
and queen of this...

(GASPS)

(SIGHING)

Smolly, can it be you?

Benjamina.

- Hi-yah!
- (SCREAMING)

- (GONG)
- (CHEERING)

Oh, uh, old girlfriend.

(WHIMPERS)

Tie 'em back in their stakes!

...306, 307, 308, 309,

310, 311, 312.

PIRATE: This is it.

What if Clueless is right?

(STAMMERING) What if it is cursed?

- I'll show you what I think of your curse.
- (GRUNTS)

You mewling little lily-livered,

toffee-hearted little
wuss of a crustacean!

"Treasure buried here."

(CHATTERING)

Oy, we don't even have to dig it up!

Come on, mates! The treasure's ours!

(CHEERING, SHOUTING)

(MURMURING)

There's no treasure, Silver!
You brought us here for nothing.

And now we'll be tried for mutiny!

Yeah!

I say... We should kill him!

(SHOUTING)

Run, lad! Save yourself!

- Why are you doing this for me?
- Because I like you, boy.

I hope you didn't think
I was lying about that.

- (SHOUTING)
- Run!

Take greeny, flippy,
bulgy-eyed one away.

Others stay. Chop chop!

(MUTTERING)

Hey, wait! Where are you taking him?

(HUMMING)

Hmm. Take the mousie,
then skewer the mousie!

Well, how else do you think
we were gonna get him in this movie?

Yeah.

- (LAUGHING)
- (MUTTERING)

I wish we were back at the Admiral
Benbow eating table scraps.

(LAUGHS) We're about
to become table scraps.

Well, this is terrible! This is the worst
thing that's ever happened to me.

Wait a second! I've been cut loose!

- Hiya, guys.
- (SHRIEKS)

Jim, they've got Captain Smollett.

I know. Come on. We've got to get help.

Oh, okay. Where will we go?

(MUD BUNNY CRYING)

Tom, Tom, Tom!

Oh!

Dead Tom's dead!

(CRYING)

Long John shot him!

(SOBBING)

But Dead Tom's always been dead.

That's why he's called Dead Tom.

Oh.

Can we get on with this?
Get outta here, will ya?

- Clueless!
- Yeah, yeah?

- Give it to him!
- Yeah!

But, uh, it's not even his birthday.

No, no, no, no! The paper!

Oh.

(CHUCKLES)

This is for you.

- The black spot?
- Yeah.

You dare to give me the black spot?

- (STAMMERING) He told me to.
- Shut up, will ya?

And it's drawn on a page from the Bible.

You tore a page from the holy scriptures

to make a pirate's death sentence?

Uh, here.

Oh, the red hot gates of hell

are creeping open!

Satan is heating his pokers for you,

you blasphemous heathens!

- (WHIMPERING)
- Fall down on your knees

and beg for deliverance from damnation!

- Please forgive us.
- Please forgive me.

Very good. You're forgiven.

- Oh, thank you.
- Now untie me!

(MUTTERING)

And let's go find the treasure!

Oh, you are a good man.

You are a kind man. A handsome man.

- Precious.
- Oh, he's... You're precious and...

- Beautiful.
- And he's beautiful. Oh.

Yeah, here's the boat. Oh, no!

Well, that won't help us.
We're gonna have to swim to the ship.

Hello! Earth to Jimbo.

Swimming to a ship that's
full of killer pirates

to save the Captain is not a good plan.

Look!

Yes. The gunwale and keel
are definitely safe.

- Mr. Arrow! It's me! Jim!
- Mr. Arrow!

Mr. Arrow, over here!

Oh. Oh, boys. Come join me

aboard this exceptionally safe little boat.

Hmm.

By the way, that Silver
fellow may not be trustworthy.

- (CHUCKLES) Now he tells us!
- Yeah.

And here's a photo opportunity
you will not want to miss.

The actual jungle location for the
movie Muppet Treasure Island.

- Oh, my goodness!
- Keep up, people.

Hey, when do we eat?
My feet are killing me.

Of all the backwater,
no-class piles of sand in the ocean,

you had to wash up on mine.

Benjamina, I just want you
to know that I'm sorry.

Sorry? No, no, sorry doesn't cut it.

You left me standing at the altar!

I was on a ship headed for Zanzibar.
I got cold feet.

You're a frog.
You're supposed to have cold feet.

My mother came
all the way from France.

I was wearing her white lace dress.

The cake was filled with lemon custard!

(WHIMPERING)

Mina, fate has brought us
together again.

Well, actually, buried treasure and
pirates brought us together...

Don't you start with me about pirates!

After you jilted me, I took
up with this Bernie Flint.

- The man was totally codependent.
- You and Captain Flint?

Well, he was a pirate, I was a lady.
You know the story.

- (WHIMPERING)
- Smolly? He marooned me.

Me!

(SOBBING)

Oh. Oh. Oh.

This is all my fault.
Oh, what have I done to you?

Mushy-mushy! Oh. Lovey-dovey!

(LAUGHTER)

Bravo, Cap'n.

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

Touchin' reunion, Benjamina.

This seems to be your day
for renewing old...

(INHALES) Acquaintances.

Oh, well...

(CLEARS THROAT) Hello, Long John.

- Oh, no! Him too?
- Well, if you'd married me.

What does that have to do with it?

I'm a pig! I need commitment!

Now, I'm not gonna
be really patient about this, Benjamina.

Where is the treasure?

Um, I just may not tell you.

(CHUCKLES)

Oh, don't play games with me, lass.

I tell you, I'm not a patient man.

- (GASPS)
- Stop! Give up now,

weak and tiny pirate mans,

or die like stinking dogs.

(SHOUTING, GRUNTING)

Hmm, we see you have
boom-boom sticks.

Bye-bye.

(SHOUTING, WHIMPERING)

Oh, brother!

- Now, Benjamina.
- What?

Where's the treasure?

There is no treasure.
It was all a clever ruse.

(CHUCKLES) Ha!

So where did you get that
gold necklace you're wearing?

The one made of Spanish doubloons.

PIRATE: Aye.

Um...

Shopping channel?

(LAUGHTER)

- (GRUNTS)
- No!

(CHATTERING)

Shh.

- Shh.
- Shh.

(GASPS) Fiddle!

Make yourself useful.
Try and save us. Do something!

Shh!

Oh, Master Hawkins,
you've come to rescue us.

I should've let him live in my finger.

We're ready, Master Hawkins.

Do you think this will work, Dr. Livesey?

Oh, yes! My research indicates
that pirates are very superstitious.

Boogie, boogie, boogie!

I am the ghost of Samuel Arrow.

- Boogie!
- (GASPS, WHIMPERING)

(SCREAMING)

JIM: Come on, we've got to save
the Captain!

Fantastic, Mr. Arrow.
That was beautiful.

What do we do next?
What do we do now? Uh, Jim?

- Weigh anchor?
- Weigh anchor, okay.

- Set the sails.
- Set the sails!

And you, Squire Trelawney.

(STAMMERING) Now,
Master Hawkins, I...

You take the helm.

Ah!

Step aside, Mr. Bimbo.
I shall be taking the helm.

Hurry, Rizzo!

(GRUNTING)

I'm going as fast as I can.

- (GROANS)
- Smolly, my love!

Oh, oh!

(GROANING)

Smolly!

(SNIFFS)

You can't hurt my frog!

Don't tell him anything, Mina.
Uh, I beg you!

He'll only kill you too. Don't listen to him!

- Now...
- (GASPS)

- (WHIMPERING)
- For the last time,

where's the bloody treasure?

(PIRATES YELLING)

Ha!

Stop! Stop, stop, stop, stop!
The treasure's at my place.

North trail, split-level hut with the pink
lawn furniture. You can't miss it.

Now free him at once, you scoundrel!

- (KISSING)
- (SPITTING)

(LAUGHTER)

You know, I'm beginning to see
a pattern in the men I date.

Yeah, well, the past is behind us.

And the future... Below us.

(WHIMPERING)

Oh, it's okay, Mina.
We're together again.

Yes, despite it all

(SNIFFS) we have each other.

Oh, don't cry for me, Benjamina.

Pardon?

Was I dumb or was I blind

Or did my heart just lose its mind

Why'd I go and throw

our perfect dream away

Looking back I'll never know

How I ever let you go

But destiny could see we deserved

to have another day

Love led us here

Right back to where we belong

We followed a star and here we are

Now heaven seems so near

Love led us here

Now I know that life
can take you by surprise

And sweep you off your feet

Did this happen to us

Or are we just dreaming

Love led us here

Right back to where we belong

We followed a star and here we are

Now heaven seems so near

Love led us here

So take my hand

And have no fear

We'll be all right

Love led us

here

(SCREAMING)

Oh, Smolly. You saved me.

(STRAINING)

Come on, men!
It's back to blighty now, lads!

The treasure's all ours!

(CHATTERING, SHOUTING)

Hurry. Come on. Get in the boat.

Long John! Long John! Look! The ship!

BLACK-EYED PEA:
What are they doing?

MUD BUNNY: There's no one on board.

It's coming straight for us!

(STAMMERING) It's the ghost
of Captain Flinty.

He's coming to kill us.

(SCREAMING)

Come back, you cowards!

Hawkins.

Look. It's the Captain and the pig.

Oh, no!

(WHIMPERS)

Head for those cliffs.

- Head for the cliffs, Squire.
- Aye, aye! Oh!

Oh, Beakie, Beakie. Look, look!

I think we're going to need a net.

- Come along.
- (WHIMPERING)

Get back there,
you yellow-bellied bilge rats!

I'm not losing that treasure now!
Get out!

We're lowering the net now.

All right, let's go.
Okay. That's it. Beautiful. Beautiful.

We're coming, Captain Smollett!

(BENJAMINA WHIMPERING)

- Steady! Steady!
- Careful!

(WHIMPERING)

Au revoir, mon capitaine.

- (SCREAMING)
- We got him!

- (CHEERING)
- Yes!

(GRUNTS)

- Ah!
- Oh, no!

(GASPS, WHIMPERS)

Waldorf, you old fool! We're heroes!

We saved the pig and the frog.

Well, it was too late to save the movie.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Welcome aboard, Captain Smollett.

And welcome to your lady pig friend.

(SCREAMS) Look out!

(SCREAMING)

(GROANING, SPITTING)

The Captain must have his sword.

Whoa!

GONZO: Wow!

(YELLING)

Captain!

(YELLING)

Fight, you idiots!

(GRUNTING)

Captain!

Here!

(GRUNTS)

All right! No more Ms. Nice Guy!

No one maroons me
and gets away with it!

(GRUNTING)

(GROANING)

- Good to see you alive, Mr. Arrow.
- Thank you, Captain.

Geronimo!

Oh, what am I gonna do?

- Come on!
- Come on, you!

Oh, sorry.

- En garde!
- Ah!

Mi casa es su casa.

Ah, I make cheese out of you. Come on!

(KARATE YELLS)

(GRUNTS)

Cucaracha.

Ha!

- (SNICKERS)
- Ah!

Come on, Jerry! He's just a kid!

(GRUNTING, LAUGHING)

Oh!

Okay, okay, okay!

Okay, I give... Uncle. Uh, I'm dead.

(GRUNTING)

Oh, oh, oh, Mr. Bimbo, help!

(GRUNTING, SHOUTING)

(GROANING)

Am I dead?

(CHUCKLES)

Wonderful!

(WHIMPERS, GASPS)

Mr. Bimbo!
That was some amazing swordplay!

(GRUNTING)

Take that!

Watch out, Mr. Arrow!

- (GRUNTS)
- (GROANING)

Uh, well, thank you. But aren't you
supposed to be fighting against us?

Are you kiddin'? I love you guys!

Hmm.

(LAUGHS)

Cowabunga!

(GRUNTS)

(PANTING) Come on. Fight.
Where are you?

Oh!

Hmm.

(GRUNTING)

(KISSING)

And as for you!

(WHIMPERS)

Silver!

Hmm, hmm.

Ha!

(YELLING)

Ha! Ha!

(CHUCKLES)

Why don't you pick on
somebody your own size, huh?

(LAUGHING)

(GRUNTING CONTINUES)

Ah! Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Wow!

BENJAMINA: Yes! Yes! Smolly! Yes!

(GRUNTING CONTINUES)

SMOLLETT: Ha!
BENJAMINA: Yes!

Ha-ha, Silver!

(HUMMING)

Ha-ha, ho-ho!

Not bad for an amphibian.

(CHEERING IN UNISON)
Smolly, Smolly, he's our man!

If he can't do it, no one can!

(HUMMING)

- Excuse me.
- Pardon? Whoops.

(GASPS)

Oh!

(GRUNTS)

(CLEARS THROAT) Uh... Uh...

Uh... I'm a frog.

You know, slippery hands.

(CHUCKLING)

You know, I never really believed that
violence solved anything anyway.

Really? Allow me to disagree, Cap'n.

(WHIMPERS)

Kill Captain Smollett,
and you'll have to kill me.

Kill Jim, and you'll have to kill me.

Kill Gonzo, and you'll have to kill me.

Kill Squire Trelawney and Mr. Bimbo,

and you'll have to...
Negotiate strenuously.

Going somewhere, John-John?

(MURMURING)

Well, Mr. Hawkins,
it seems your little family

has come together against me.

(SNICKERING)

We're doomed.

Well, you know, I, for one,
feel better about myself.

Yeah. And I believe
that I have learned a valuable lesson.

- Why, you!
- Shut up!

(SHOUTING CONTINUES)

CLUELESS: Okay,
I said something wrong!

(KEYS RATTLING)

(THUD, SPLASH)

Silver!

I suppose you'll be blowing
the whistle on me now, won't you, Jim?

I suppose I will. You have to
return to Bristol to stand trial.

(LAUGHING)

Oh, I'm sorry, Jim.
I got a terrible fear of hanging.

We're shipmates, aren't we, Jim?

Gentlemen of fortune, together.

Give us one more chance.

Oh, hell, Jim. I could never harm you.

You're honest and brave and true.

You didn't learn that from me.

I learned it from my friends, Mr. Silver.

Now take your oars and row away.
I never want to see you again, ever.

Oh, Jim!

'Tis a shame, really.

We'd have made a great team, Jim.

Well done, Jim.
Your father would be proud.

Captain Smollett,
I have most distressing news.

One of the jolly boats is missing,

and I know for a fact
that it was terribly unsafe.

Ah!

(SHOUTING, LAUGHING)

This is not fun.

Flaubert, meet Da-Da.

- Ready to sail, sir.
- Hmm.

Where to, Captain Hawkins?

To wherever the wind may take us.

Off to Zanzibar,
to meet the Zanzibarbarians.

Oh, brother. Here they go again.

(LAUGHTER)

(STEEL DRUMS MUSIC PLAYING)

Love power

A little love power

Stronger than the hurricane

And softer than the summer rain

- Love power
- What kind of power

A little love power

It can lift you up
Lift you up when you get low

And make your life
bright as the rainbow

Whoa

There ain't no sun in the morning sky

Breeze ain't blowing
and the bird don't fly

Then someone kind reaches out a hand

And smiles a warm sweet smile

And then your heart
come to understand

What make the world spin

Where do magic begin

Someone to believe in

Feel so good when everybody feels

Love power
There's no higher power

- A little love power
- Nothing in the world

Stronger than the hurricane

And softer than the summer rain

Oh, love power

- Everybody feel it
- A little love power

Oh-oh-oh-oh

Lift you up when you get low

And make your life
bright as the rainbow

Whoa

So many people, they feel so bad

Yeah, they make the money
but they still so sad

Nobody told them that it ain't that stuff

That makes life worthwhile

'Cause even if you've got enough

You got less than nothing
'Til you know for certain

Enough to put your faith in

It feels so good when everybody feels

- Love power
- People, can you feel it

A little love power

Lift you up when you get low

And make your life
bright as the rainbow

Let me tell you now

Whoa

Feel the inspiration

- Hey
- Don't it feel like heaven

It make the soul and the spirit strong

When everybody come
and every single one

they hear the song now

Oh, love power

A little love power

Stronger than the hurricane

And softer than the summer rain

- Can you feel it, oh?
- Love power

- What kind of power
- A little love power

It can lift you up

Lift you up when you get low

And make your life
bright as the rainbow

Lift you up when you get low

And make your life
bright as the rainbow

So, Johnny. May I call you Johnny?

Stop me if you've heard this one.

Why does the ocean roar?

Give up?

You would, too,
if you had crabs on your bottom...

And oysters in your bed.

(LAUGHS)

Get it? Oysters? Bed?

Ooh, I love that one.

I'm tellin' ya,
I got a million more just like that.

Was I dumb

Or was I blind

Or did my heart just lose its mind

Why'd I go and throw

our perfect dream away

Looking back

I'll never know

How I ever let you go

But destiny could see we deserve

to have another day

Love led us here

Right back to where we belong

We followed a star and here we are

Now heaven seems so near

Love led us here

Ooh

I confess

- It's sad but true
- Sad but true

I lost myself when I lost you

But I held your memory

through each lonely night

Oh, let's forget

- What's gone before
- What's gone

- Now we both know so much more
- So much more

And we've been given another chance

to make it work out right

Make it work

Love led us here

Right back to where we belong

We followed a star and here we are

Now heaven seems so near

Love led us here

Now I know that life
can take you by surprise

And sweep you off your feet

Did this happen to us

Or are we just dreamin'?

Dreamin'

We followed a star and here we are

Now heaven seems so near

Love led us here

So take my hand

And have no fear

We'll be all right

Love led us here