Munster, Go Home! (1966) - full transcript

Herman discovers he's the new lord of Munster Hall in England. The family sails to Britain, where they receive a tepid welcome from Lady Effigy and Freddie Munster, who throws tantrums because he wasn't named Lord Munster. An on-board romance had blossomed between Marilyn and Roger, but on land Marilyn discovers Roger's family holds a longstanding grudge against the Munsters. Herman upholds the family honor in an auto race; he and Grandpa also unlock "the secret of Munster Hall."

Oh... Sorry, I fell asleep.

It's so restful back there.

Pick me up tomorrow
on your way to the parlor.

Best car pool I've ever been in.

Oh, it's only you, Lily.

I thought
it was something scary.

Herman, come with me.

Oh, what's the happy occasion?

- The reading of a will.
- Oh, goody!

That sounds like a fun thing.

Herman, an uncle of yours,

Kavanagh Munster from England,
has passed on.

To coin a phrase,
he went out like a light.

Uncle Kavanagh?

I didn't know
there were English Munsters.

Marilyn, no matter where you go,

you can always dig up
our relatives.

Come on! Let's open the will...

and see what kinda loot we got.

Now, I want us all
to remain calm,

no matter what this says.

Proceed, Lily.

As usual, we will be the soul
of propriety and decorum.

"I, Lord Kavanagh Munster,
fourth Earl of Shroudshire,

hereby bequeath unto my beloved
nephew Herman Munster,

my entire estate,
lands and properties,

thereby investing him
with the charter, duties

and title of Lord Munster,
fifth Earl of Shroudshire."

I'm rich...

I'm rich.

I'm rich! I'm rich! I'm rich!

I'm a lord! I'm a lord!

Yes, Grandpa?

I thought there'd
always be an England.

But now I'm not so sure.

Hurry up, Grandpa,
or we'll miss the boat.

I'll be right with you.
I'm finishing an experiment.

Boy, that's good booze!

Well, I guess I'm ready.
How do I look?

- Er...
- Oh, fine, Marilyn. Just fine.

Well, I'm all set.

I'll just check
my portable laboratory.

I can't go anywhere
without my goodies.

Come on. I've got
my surfboard. Let's go.

I wish there was some way
to help Marilyn.

Poor unfortunate thing!

Well, don't look at me.
She's your sister's kid.

No one on my side of the family
ever looked like that.

Maybe she'll meet some nice boy
on the ship and fall in love.

Yeah, we could use
some fresh blood in the family.

Goodbye, Spot.

Don't eat anybody
till we get back.

Herman, don't forget
to lock the door.

Oh, Herman, I'm just so thrilled
about going to England!

I've got vulture bumps all over.

Alfie, no need
to go all weak-kneed...

every time we're here
at Munster Hall.

If it gives you the shivers,
don't look at it.

Well, it makes
me skin crawl, Joey.

Me mum says they have
a murder every week.

Just like changing films
at the cinema.

- Herman?
- Hmm? Yes, dear.

Do you feel
like we're being stared at?

I don't know why.

I've gone to great lengths
to remain incognito.

Emily? Emily?

Emily? Where are you, Emily?

Beg your pardon.

Can I do anything else, sir?

For me? Oh, thank you.


It's OK, kid...
I'll catch you later.

Grandpa, your room's
right next door.

Marilyn, yours is
across the hall.

Good. I'll go and unpack.

If you meet any strange men,
be sure and speak to them.

That's right.

Don't let your unattractiveness
make you self-conscious.

Yes, Uncle Herman.

Hey, Mom, look at
this neat place for me to sleep.

Oh, yes, Eddie.

It's mahogany
and even has handles on it.

At night you'll feel
right at home.

Mom, how come
Pop inherited an English title?

I thought
he was made in Germany.

Well, at an early age,

he left Dr Frankenstein's lab
in Germany.

That's right.

Then he arrived in England

and was adopted by the Munster
family, who gave him their name.

Oh, Emily.

Oh, you've been drinking
too much. You look awful.

I beg your pardon?

I always hated you anyway,
you old bag!

Oh, hi, Emily!

I wonder who she was?

All ashore that's going ashore.

Oh, Herman, I do hope
we don't have a rough crossing.

A bit of rough weather
would quicken the pulses

of an old salt like me.

Like the Viking, I'm looking
forward to the spray,

the white caps,
the rolling blue waters

and the rise and fall
of a great ship.

Heave-ho on the bounding main!

Help... Help!

- Herman, what's the matter?
- We're moving, dear.

Let me lie down, my stomach...

I'm dying!

Grandpa, what's wrong with Pop?

What's wrong?

The mighty Viking
is about to heave-ho!

Herman, you've been
in bed now for two days.

You're not going to die.

I know I'm not.
I'm not strong enough to die.

Relax, Herman.

Eddie and Marilyn
are in the hold now,

getting my portable laboratory
out of our car.

I'll whip up a potion
and have you on your feet...

before you can say
Jack the Ripper.

- What's the matter?
- Get out. It's not your car...

and you're acting very childish.

But, gee, this car's wild.
You get in and try.

Don't be silly.
I'm much too old for that.

Take this to Grandpa.
He needs it.


Since turning 19,
you don't have any fun at all.

- May I see your license?
- Oh!

Excuse me, is this your car?

Well, I really have
no business in here.

I was getting something and
my cousin was fooling around,

and I told him not to,
and then I got in and...

- Oh... How do you get out?
- It sticks.

- There you are.
- Thank you.

A girl has trouble
getting out of these things.

Yes, the Italians
design them that way.

I've been racing in America.

- What do you think of it?
- It's cute.

My dear, one does not refer
to a Ferrari GT Spider as cute.

Formidable, magnificent,
sexy, perhaps-- but never cute.

- Oh, well, I'm sorry.
- Do you want to see the motor?

- If I'm not keeping you.
- Not at all.

Freddie Munster!

Stop throwing those tantrums
on that cold floor.

Get up. Come over here
and behave yourself.

I won't! I won't! I won't!

Freddie, you insufferable idiot!

- Do what Mum says.
- I won't! I won't!

Mumsy, this American rotter
sends us this wireless,

says he's coming on Wednesday
with his family...

and he has the audacity
to sign it Lord Munster.

But, my love,
he is Lord Munster.

You said I'd be Lord Munster.
You promised!

Stop snivelling, you clot!

Father hated you
and took revenge on all of us...

by willing everything
to this American.

Well, I say we should have
hired someone to do him in.

Like bashing him on the cranium
with something jagged.

Freddie, we will do nothing
so rash... as bash.

I have contacted our leader...

The Gryphon.

What does he,
she or it have to suggest?

Sometimes I think there's
no such person as The Gryphon.

It's just a phantom you conjured
to threaten us with.

Oh, no, Grace.
There is a Gryphon.

It has supplied the answer to
getting rid of these Munsters.

And the answer is...


- Fear?
- Fear?


They sound like ordinary people.

They should frighten easily.

So... we are to allow them
to come and then--

I bash them with something
jagged. Mumsy, how wizard!

There will be no bashing!

We'll merely frighten them away.

Yes, Mumsy.

You rang, madam?

Yes, Cruikshank.
Run along now, children.


Oh, Freddie!

Put that battle-axe back
where it belongs.

Yes, Mumsy.

There's a love.

Ah, the poor dears.

They don't really believe
that there is The Gryphon.

But we know better,
Cruikshank, do we not?

Indeed we do, madam.
Indeed we do.

I don't believe
this Gryphon rot.

So I've taken matters
into my own hands.

What have you done,
you horrid gap-toothed gilp?

I've had a little bon voyage
package sent to Cousin Herman.

I think my scheme
will bear fruit.

Bear fruit...

Bear fruit? I don't get it.

No, but he will.

The old medicine man
is here again.

I not gonna take a pill.
Not! Not! Not! Not!

Lily, you married
the original chicken-of-the-sea.

Herman, you've been seasick
three days.

You're spoiling the trip.

You take the pill this minute!


Not unless he takes one first.

All right, junior. Watch...

See, stupid? I been prescribing
these for centuries.

Without my pills,

Columbus would have discovered
America hanging over the rail.

- Grandpa!
- What?

Look at your hand.

Mama mia!

You see, Herman?

You made me take
a wolf pill by mistake.

You dumb,
old mad scientist, you!

Grandpa, what are you gonna do?

I'm gonna hide.

I hope I can make it
to my cabin in time.

Hey, there's a dog.
Let's grab it.

Er, do you have a leash
I could borrow?

I'm sorry. All pets
must be confined while on board.

Oh, dear.

He'll miss the Captain's
party tonight.

Well, we'll get him
when we dock tomorrow.

I'm afraid that's impossible.

English law requires pets to be
quarantined for six months.

Oh, quiet, Father.

I'm trying to think.

You heard me, Herman.

You're going right now
to get Grandpa out that kennel.

But, gee, tonight's
the Captain's party, dear.

And I've got my sea legs now.

I want to go and...
put on funny hats...

be obnoxious...
talk too loud and get stoned...

Uphold the American
image abroad.

Never mind that.

You can make a fool
of yourself in England.

OK. If that's a promise.

But, gee, this is my last chance

to meet Marilyn's boyfriend
and have fun.

Now I gotta go get that
party pooper out of the clink.

On your way!

We're not going
to Munster Hall...

while my father rots
in quarantine.

Even if I do get Grandpa,

how will we get him
through customs?

I'll think of something.
You just keep a level head.

What's the matter now, Herman?

I don't know
who sent us this fruit,

but my apple is ticking.

It's just your wristwatch.

Now, you go
and say goodnight to Eddie--

and get going!

Yes, dear. Yes, dear.

- Good night, Edward.
- Good night, Pop.


Give me that!

Noisiest worm I ever heard.

Oh, goody! Thunder.

Well, it's been
a wonderful crossing.

I've never felt like this
about a girl before.

C'mon, Roger. I bet
you've had lots of romances.

Well, I'll be truthful.

Eight, ten, perhaps a dozen.

How nice for you.

I'll never forget my first.
It was a Triumph.

You don't have to be
that truthful.

It was a Triumph motorbike
and I was 16.

Puppy love.

Then my taste
got more sophisticated.

There was a Lagonda,
a Bentley, an Alfa Romeo,

ending with that luscious
Italian beauty below decks.

What's the matter?

All of a sudden
I feel inadequate,

as if I should have fenders
or something.

Not at all.

Your standard equipment
will do very nicely.

Do you always have to joke?

What makes you think I'm joking?

It's happened before.

There was a boy who said
all kinds of nice things.

I guess he was joking,

because after he met my folks
he disappeared...

and I never saw him again.

Marilyn, I've never been
more serious in my life.

Be right back, Frank.

You hear that? I saw a movie
where a dog howled like that...

and next thing you know,
he turned into Lon Chaney Jr.

Come on.

There you are,
you dumb old wolf, you.

I'll have you out in no time.

Grandpa, please!
We're both boys. Come on.

There's someone down there.

That's a strange way to act.

I guess they're not used
to being near royalty.


All these nice things
you've been saying to me,

how can I make sure you're not
just kidding me with a line?

Believe me, I'm not.

- What's wrong? Was I that bad?
- No! Not at all.

It was that thing, there.

There's nothing there.

But there was!
It was nine feet tall.

A frightening creature!

- You're not funny.
- I'm not being funny. I saw it.

It walked like this.

And it was carrying some beast.

It was wearing a dinner jacket.

- The beast had a dinner jacket?
- No, it was naked.

I mean, it wasn't
wearing anything.

- All right, don't believe me.
- Well, why should I?

If you want to brush me off, you
don't have to make up monsters.

Why would I do that? You're the
most beautiful girl I ever met.

Roger! On top
of everything else,

do you have to be sarcastic?

- I don't understand Americans.
- No one asked you to.


I say, you must
tell me something.

Did you just see a hideous giant
with a green face?

I see 'em all the time, friend.
All the time.

Boy, my father-in-law
the fur piece.

I bet we get caught.

You should have said
on the ship.

There's nothing we can do
about it now.

Excuse me, excuse me.

- British subject?
- Yes, but I have to see girl.

You must wait here
for clearance.

But I made a terrible mistake
last night.

Consider yourself fortunate.

I've been married to my terrible
mistake for 34 years.

What's the matter now?

Emily, that lady's fur
just snapped at me.

so early in the morning?

I'll bet dumb old Father
never turns back from a wolf.

Phew. What's going on here?

Last thing I remember
I was on board ship.

Now I'm on the docks
in England chasing a cat.

And where's Mr. Hennesey,
our proper proprieter, Millie?

He's absent on urgent business.

You got any complaints?

Not likely.

How you blokes continue
to bring those boxes...

in and out of Munster Hall
is clean past me.

We picks 'em up.
We delivers 'em to the office,

we get well paid and that's it.

Hey, tell me, lads.

Cross me heart and hope to die,
it'll go no further.

You ever looked inside
them coffins you cart about?

They ain't coffins,
they're boxes.

Besides, who wants to chance
what might look back at you?

Now look what you went and done.

You fair punctured Hennesey's
jugular, you have.

Weird, it is.

Everybody knows there's
a dread secret about that place.

You ever run into the secret
of Munster Hall?

Not us.

We makes our deliveries
and pick-ups

- and don't pry. Right, Alfie?
- Right.

- Too frightened, eh, lads?
- No. Not in the slightest.

Nothing frightens old Alfie.

Be a good lad
and mind the pumps, eh?


A nice slice o' cake,
she is, Al.


Sorta makes you wish
it was your birthday.

Anybody here know
how I can get to Munster Hall?

Y-y-you want Munster Hall?

It's straight on.
You can't miss it.

Straight over the hill.

Oh! Over the 'ill to the 'all!


Now I'm frightened.

There's a vehicle approaching
from East Gasping Moor, madam.

It must be Cousin Herman.

We'll put The Gryphon's Plan A
into effect immediately.

So my apple didn't go off.
Shoddy workmanship.

Stop mumbling, Freddie.

We shall retire now,

so the imposter and family
will arrive at a darkened house.

Cruikshank shall put them
in the tower suite tonight.

Then we shall throw
such a fright into them...

that they shall be gone
before morning.

It's my turn in the sheet.
You work the panels.

No! You work the panels.

- I won't!
- You will.

Freddie shall wear the sheet.

Now, both of you
run upstairs and get ready.

There's a pair of loves.


Did you ever see anything
so beautiful in your whole life?

Oh! It's a dream house!

The Americans are here.


Are you still thinking about
that English guy on the boat?

Why don't you think real hard,
then when you sleep,

he might horse around
in your dreams.

Thanks. Maybe I will.
Does it work for you?

I don't know. Every girl
I want to think about, I hate.

Well, good night, Eddie.

Good night, Marilyn.

Good night, Grandpa.

Good night. Rotten dreams.

You know,
I just can't get over it, Lily.

To think that this is mine.
All mine.

I know, Hermy baby.

But get some sleep now.

I want you to look nice
for your relatives tomorrow.

But I just can't sleep, dear.
It's so beautiful.

The decor absolutely sends me...

and the architecture
knocks me out.

What's that?

Lily, they're playing our song.

Look, bumblebee.

They even have sliding panels.

How nice of your family
to make us feel so at home.

Lovely! Lovely!

Ooh, this is the best yet.



How do you do, Mr. Die?

I'm Herman Munster
and this is my...

- You know, Lily?
- Yes, sugar?

I don't know when I've ever felt
more welcome in a strange place.

Really. Last night couldn't have
been more badly bungled,

if I'd given it
to Parliament to do.

Mumsy, you should
have seen him there,

with this great fissure
down his forehead.


I can hardly eat a thing.

It's absolutely true, Mums.

Grace, I've warned you
time and time again...

of the evils of exaggeration.

Great Scott!

Good morrow, family-mine.

And you must be my Aunt Effigie.

You know, I can tell,

because we both have
that same noble Munster brow.

Oh, please, please.
Don't get up.

And you must be
my Cousin Freddie.

If you kiss me, I'll scream.

And you must be Cousin Grace.

Oh, Marilyn.

Marilyn, you could take
a few lessons from Cousin Grace.

See what a sandpaper skin...

and a touch of malnutrition
can do for the complexion?

Oh, yes. It does wonders
for you, Cousin Grace.

Young man, what do you think
of Munster Hall?

Weirdsville. What a kookoo pad.

Doesn't he speak English?

No. Just American.

May I get you a bite
of breakfast, governor.

Oh, thank you, Cruikshank.

But I am not a governor.

I never even made alderman.

I am a simple man.

A man of the people.

You may call me Lord.

I'm Lord Munster, not him!

Not he, Freddie.

The objective pronoun always
takes the nominative case.

I don't care. I don't care.

I'm Lord Munster.

Mums, Freddie's bashing
his head against a wall.

If he opens a vein
he'll ruin the drapes.

There, there, lovey.
You shall be Lord Munster,

as soon as we think
of a tidy way...

of disposing of the great oaf.

Mumsy, I know
it isn't my birthday,

but let me do him in.

You do him in?
You selfish beastie!

Don't you remember what our
psychiatrist said about sharing?

Sharing? I'm against this
"share the wealth" business.

Very un-British.

- Here you are.
- Ta.

Oh, double gins
this early in the day, chaps?

We got to haul some more boxes
from Munster Hall, sir.

Squire-- Your Honourable.

It takes a brace of gins
to muster enough backbone...

to walk through
that miserable gate, Squire.

Why, it's disgraceful.


Those Munsters. Sneaking
about the country for 300 years,

popping bodies into ditches,

poisoning the neighbours' cats.

And all of them despicable,
politically, of course.

They ought to be shot!

Ought to be shot!

Ought to be hung, drawn
and quartered, the lot of them!

There we are... Blast ye!

If you ask me,
Squire blusters like that...

because he's afraid of
the secret of Munster Hall too.

Mr. Hennesey here
could fill you in on that.

When he was head groom
at Munster,

him and the lady Grace
was like two peas in a pod.

I suppose when you been around
animals for a long time...

it's very difficult to tell one
horse-face from another.

That right, Mr. Hennesey?

My private life's no concern
of the likes of you.

What I know about Munster Hall,
I keep to myself.

Now, you look after
the customers, my girl,

Oh! Sir!

I'm sorry, sir!
It was all my fault.

Blast it, girl! Don't try
to change the-- Aaargh!

You came at me
like a charging rhinoceros.

Your fault, you say?

Yes, sir. You see,
I was thinking of someone else.

Er, something else.

My dear young woman,

this is the first time
I've ever been apologized to...

by one of your generation.

Why, this calls for fireworks
at the very least.

Come down here, lad!

Come down, blast it,

and meet this perfectly
charming colonial girl.

Really, Squire.

Good heavens, Lester.

Must you trumpet
like a wounded wildebeest?

I suppose he brought you
to meet our son.

Of course. Time he met someone
with decent bone structure.

Instead of those thin-lipped
wallabies he finds in London.

Look at the girl.

She could give us a dozen
grandchildren without noticing.

- Are you coming down?
- Yes, Dad.



I say!

They might have the decency to
wait till I'd introduced them.

"Dear guys, I hope things are OK
back there at the parlor.

Well, here I am
at Munster Hall.

We're all making
a great effort to adjust

to our inherited splendor."

High on the gallows,
it's a shame and a sin

Me own blood-brother swings

He was innocent,
but I turned him in

For a cask of ale
and nine shillings

Where'd you get
the hot rod, sporty?

Oh, it's you, sir.

Me late master's racer.

Won the Shroudshire road race
12 times in a row.

I was his driver.

In the 13th race,
I hit the wall in East Gasping.

That's what scrambled
your bones.

I always thought Squire Moresby
forced me off.

Dirty work
at the crossroads, eh?

Always was a grudge race between
the Munsters and the squire.

Even Her Ladyship
was quite a driver in her day.

We always had hopes a Munster
heir would come along...

and bring the trophy home again.

Unfortunately, Master Freddie
hasn't the stomach for racing.

Even as a baby, he got car sick
in his perambulator.

Thank you, Bridgette.

Roger will be down as soon as
he's made himself presentable.

Yes, my dear, a Moresby car...

has won the Shroudshire trophy
for five years running.

And now it's Roger's turn
to carry on.

I see a Lord Munster won it
from 1910 to 1922.

Was that Aunt Effigie's husband?

Did you say Aunt Effigie, dear?

Are you by any chance
related to the Munsters?

Why, yes.

My Uncle Herman and Aunt Lily
just inherited Munster Hall.

I thought you knew.

Young lady,

we haven't had a Munster
on this property since 1820,

when we caught one trying
to poison our well.

You mean
you don't like the Munsters?

They're loathsome creatures.

Roger should have warned us.

Once we'd have set
the dogs on you.

Well, I don't think
that'll be necessary.

Marilyn, where are you going?

None of your business,
you-- you--

You English ratfink!

"And you should see
Lily and Eddie...

making friends here and there...

in our quaint little village."

- Mom?
- Yes?

What are tomahtoes?

Oh, that's how they pronounce
tomato here, dear. Why?

That's what
they're throwing at me.

Munster! Munster! Evil eye!

Munster! Munster! Die! Die! Die!

Really! Come along, Eddie.

And Roger's family practically
threw me out the house.

And kids threw
tomahtoes at me.

And the shops closed
their doors in my face.

It was like they had something
against Munster Hall.

In the saloon, they talked about
the secret of Munster Hall.

There is something
going on here.

As head of the Munster clan,

it is my duty to find out what
and right the wrong.

Herman Munster,
stop playing Prince Valiant.

I want you to go to the police
and stop playing detective.

- Do you hear me?
- Yes. Right you are, dear.

Come on, Grandpa.


Do you understand we have
to be absolutely quiet?

All right. All right.

I'll be absolutely quiet.


Dumb old flag.


Where are you going?

I don't know.
I'm trying the rooms.

Here. Take that. Follow me.

There's gotta be a basement
under this place.

The thing is,
how do we get down there?

I don't know.
Let's go back to bed.

Look. This is it!
A secret passage!

You did it! You did it!

Grandpa, isn't that neato?

It's just like
your playroom back home.

Come on. Follow me. Shh!

Hand me the torch.

Ow! Herman!

Herman, I must ask Freddie
where he gets his slime.

It looks imported.

Hmm. Funny place
to put a gate.


After you, Grandpa.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, it's you, Cousin Eddie.

I can't find my pop.

He always kisses Wulfuf
good night.

Would you do it, Cousin Freddie?

Well... I'd rather not.

Well, would you
kiss me good night?

Thanks, Cousin Freddie.

Follow the leader.

Herman! Herman!

Wait for me. I can't make it.

Easy does it, Herman.

The warden of health
would make him cover that.

Alfie, I think I hear something.

Cor, I hope it's only...

only an earthquake.

Let's get this over with.

- Grandpa?
- Yes, Herman?

You can let me down now.

Grandpa? What are you doing?

Opening the box.

Maybe there's someone in here
who knows what's going on.

Who is it?

Anyone we know?

Herman, take a look.


Play money!

Oh, and say, look--

Here's a picture
of Mary Poppins.

But they left off
her umbrella.

Herman, this is
the Queen of England...

and these are English pounds.

Herman, there is something
going on here.

- Where?
- Where? In there.

Come on.

"Keep ye out."

Herman, come back here
and open the door!


Allow me.

Photo engraver...


Printing ink...

Printing plates...

Printing press.



Herman! They're
printing it right here.

There must be
millions of pounds.

We've stumbled
onto a counterfeit ring!

This is the secret
of Munster Hall.

Call the police.

- I'll...
- Call the FBI.

- I'm...
- Get Scotland Yard.

- Right...
- Phone Batman.

Car 54, where are you?

Herman, will you knock it off!

- What are we gonna do?
- I'll tell you.

First, we're not gonna tell
Lily, Marilyn or Eddie...

and get them all upset.

We have to sit down
and decide what to do.

OK... OK, well,
let's go back to bed.



Herman, where have you been
for the last hour?

Well, I... I, er...

I... I went
for a drink of water.

Sure is a long way
to the bathroom.

Now, listen, Herman--


Two more minutes...

Oh, thank you, Cruikshank.

You're welcome, madam.

Cousin Herman has discovered
the secret of Munster Hall?

How terrible!

He's bound to tell the police...

and you know how stuffy
they are about counterfeiting.

I shouldn't think so.
When he came to see me,

I convinced the oaf
I knew nothing of the goings-on.

I was properly shocked
and surprised.

Oh! Wizard, Mums.

I told him
I'd inform the authorities...

and the matter would be taken
care of immediately.

But sooner or later
he's bound to find out.

Mumsy, let me do him in.

Pretty please.

He shall be done in,

but according to The Gryphon's
prearranged plan.

Yes, dear Cousin Herman...

shall conveniently drive himself
into the hereafter...

in the Shroudshire road race
next Saturday.

Bully, Mums!

And I'll be Lord Munster!

- I'll be Lord Munster!
- Quiet, Freddie!

It has always been
a grudge race,

between the Munsters
and the Moresbys.

The Gryphon has arranged
for an accident on the track.

And Roger Moresby
will get the blame.

Cousin Herman
isn't a race driver.

How can you persuade him
to do it?

He fancies himself
as head of the family.

We shall appeal
to his honor, loyalty,

and sense of family pride.

How delightfully unscrupulous!

Herman Munster,
get out of this car!

Why do you have to drive
in that race Saturday?

Lily, I promised Aunt Effigie
I would uphold the family honor.

Roger insulted our Marilyn,

and Aunt Effigie said it was
this or fight a duel.

And you know
I don't have a gun permit.

Herman, forget the race
for a minute.

What about that little matter
we discovered last night?

I discussed it
with Aunt Effigie...

and it's all been taken care of.

Do you think I'm stupid
or something?

Hermy, there'll be experienced
drivers in that race.

You could get killed!

Lily, dear,
you don't seem to understand.

I'm an English lord now.


I'm sorry, sir,
but Miss Marilyn is not at home.

May I come in?

I'll be glad
to give her the flowers...

and tell her you called.

You be sure and do that now.

I'm always happy
to give love a helping hand.

Adolescent swine.

And he never contacted me,

and every time I called,
his mother said he was busy.

There, there, dear.

You've only
had your heart broken.

Wait till you've had a stake
driven through it, like I have.

I wish Uncle Herman
hadn't wrecked the car,

so he could beat Roger
in the race.

Uncle Herman
will think of something.

We Munsters aren't the type
to take things lying down.

How is it?

Nice snug fit.

We're short of parts.

I was lucky to dig it up.

It'll be great for the body.

Hey, Grandpa,

these pipe organ parts
will make neat exhaust pipes.

Oh, great. Thank you, Eddie.

And looky what I found.

Some peachy headlights.

Oh-ho! We're gonna have
a terrific racer here.

I used the motor from our car.
I'll soup it up,

stick in a high-lift cam
and a blower.

Boy, you'll wipe 'em
at the race.

You'll shut 'em all down.

Oh, boy!

I am gonna be the hottest
driver in the race.

How sweet that is.

- Gentlemen.
- Thanks, love.

There's no contest.

Squire's boy'll win it
hands down.

I don't see it that way at all.

Hennesey, I'll put
another fiver on Nedder.

All right, another five.

I'd stick with Moresby.

He's got the hottest rig
in the race.

'Course, Worthington
might have an outside chance.

Drinks Irish whiskey,
he does, you know?

What's the matter
with you two blokes?

I've seen zombies at the
flickers looking happier.

You'd have the wobblies too,
if you'd been to Munster Hall.

Well, well.
Look who's here.

Mr. Freddie Munster.
Oh, we are honored, aren't we?

What'll you have-- sir?

Well, if it isn't Hennesey,
our late horse groom.

I didn't recognize you
without a pitchfork.

You've cleaned up
frightfully well.

What's your pleasure, sir?

We'll talk about that later.

Meanwhile, I'll have
an enormous Scotch...

and a teeny drop of soda.

Oh, I say, Hennesey,

bookmaking, eh?

You'll be smoking next.

You care to make a little wager?

I might, at that.

Er, fifty fine?

Fifty pounds?
On your cousin, the American.

No, no, no. On young Moresby.

On the nose.

Hurry up, Pop.
You'll miss the race.

Boy, I can hardly wait
to burn rubber in this.

The race starts in an hour.
Eddie and I are going ahead,

to get seats in the grandstand.

I don't want to miss you
wiping out that Roger.

Say, where's your Aunt Lily
and Grandpa?

They'll be along.
They're inside getting ready.

Well, I hope they don't get
tied up and miss the start.

Listen, buster,
this is modern-day England.

You can't get away
with knocking off Herman.

That's what makes the whole
thing so delightful-- we can.

You see, this will look like
an ordinary racing accident...

and any blame will attach
to that loathsome Roger Moresby.

Oh! Freddie Munster,

you're not a very nice person.

I am a thorough rotter,

like all Munsters before me,
and proud of it.

Unfortunately, I'm not
the brains behind this scheme.

Well, aren't you going
to ask me who is?

Oh, don't be a spoilsport.
Please ask me.

All right. All right. Who is?

The Gryphon!

A brilliant man, who set up
this counterfeiting operation,

knowing that our reputation
would frighten off busybodies.

The Gryphon
also thought up this scheme...

for doing in dear Cousin Herman.

Oh! You can't
get away with this.

We'll go to the police.

Well, who would believe you,
you silly-billies?

The accident
will be in broad daylight,

in front of hundreds of people.

Do make yourselves
comfortable, won't you?

Good afternoon, everyone.

On the behalf of the managment
of the annual Shroudshire race,

we thank you for coming
to see the events today.

You're in
for an exciting time.

So sit back,
relax and have fun.

The first race will begin
in five minutes.

Golly, I don't see Pop anywhere,
but there's Roger.

Please, Eddie, I'm ignoring him.

I hope those guys didn't bring
any more tomahtoes.

Now, watch
those hairpin curves...

and keep an eye
on that Munster car.

They'll do anything to win.

Right, Dad.

Above all,
drive carefully, dear.

Shouldn't you wear a sweater?

Oh, Mother.

If you see Marilyn, ask
why I haven't heard from her.

Of course I will, darling.

Well, good luck.

All drivers check
with starter. Five minutes.

All right. Now, Lily.

A-one, a-two, a-three.

Father, that was wonderful!

Nothing. A little trick
I picked up from Houdini.

Oh! Oh, we just have to get out
of here and warn Herman.

The annual Shroudshire
race starts in just a moment.

There's Roger!

I thought you were ignoring him.

Oh, yes. I forgot.

Hey! There's Pop.

Go, Uncle Herman! Go! Go! Go!

Carry on, Roger!

Gentlemen, start your motors.

And they're off!

Oh, I say! What's this?

It's a tomahto, sir.

Oh, Grandpa.
What are we going to do?

They'll kill Herman.
They'll kill him!

Wait a minute.

There's somebody coming.

- It's you two chaps.
- That's who it is, sir.

- We come for a pick-up, sir.
- Right. In there.

You want us to go in there?

In the secret room?

Come on. There are only
two left and that's the last.

I can't say it's a pity.

If you see anything or anybody,
just ignore them, eh?

Glad to hear that too, sir.

That's the two of them, sir.

Good show.

Crikey! They get heavier
all the time.

Never mind. Just pretend
it's your mother-in-law.

I do believe it's time
to take it out of first.

And the Munster car
takes the lead...

in a tremendous blast of steam.

Joey, your stomach's
growling again.

It is not.
It's your old joints, mate.

It's your stomach.

And I say it's your joints.

- Joey?
- Yeah?

Whatever's creaking...

and whatever's growling,

is creaking and growling
from back--


Come on, Uncle Herman!

Attaboy, Pop!

Come on, Roger, old boy!

The drivers are tight.
Just finishing the first lap.

Roger must have
had steering wheel trouble.

Trouble, nothing.
He's trying to wreck my pop.

Roger! How could you?

Watch out for that tree!

What tree?

Woman driver!

- How's it going?
- All right.

The Gryphon should nail him
next time round.


By the by,

why aren't you guarding
the prisoners?

Don't worry about them.
They're locked up in the vault.

Oh, poor Herman.

I'll never see him again.


Look, horses.

Grandpa, what if we get caught?

It won't be the first time
I'm hanged as a horse thief.

Hey! Pop's in the lead.

Oh! I wonder where Grandpa
and Aunt Lily are?

They're gonna miss
the whole race.

They've got Roger boxed in.

That's Worthington,

forced into the field
by Moresby.

I say, that was
rather a shabby trick.

Yes, not a bit
like our dear Roger.

I'm beginning to think it was
just like your dear Roger.

Next time I steal a horse,

it's gonna have handles on it.

You're doing fine, Grandpa.

No one would ever know you've
never been on a horse before.

Oh, boy. I'll never
make it on foot.

Oh, wait!

I sure hope these pills
aren't mixed up again.

I'd hate to turn into Mr. Clean
at a time like this.

Freddie, you bore!

Do stop breathing down my neck.

You'll tarnish my necklace.

I can't help it.
I'm so nervous.

If The Gryphon doesn't get him,

I'll break out
in dirty great lumps.

By the way,
where's my darling Mumsy?

I don't understand
her missing this.

She so enjoys a good killing.


You can tell me.
Mumsy is The Gryphon, isn't she?

I haven't the slightest.

You mean you don't know
who The Gryphon is?

Of course I don't know!
And it makes me mad!

Mad! Mad! Maaaaad!

View halloo!

That's the largest fox
I've ever seen.


Hi, there.

Get out of the race!

They're trying
to get rid of you!


They're trying
to get rid of you!

I love you too!




What's the matter, fellas?

Haven't you seen a wolf before?

And now Lord Munster
is making his move.

Oh, boy! Pop's gonna win!

I say. Roger isn't
out of it yet.

Oh, I say!

Roger's pit men accidentally
spilt oil on the track.

He's fighting
the wheel-- and there he goes!

Over the finish line--

In a beautiful
display of driving skill,

Lord Munster is the winner!

The stinker's won.

Now I'll never be Lord Munster.

Never! Never, never.

Stop that sniveling, you idiot!

The Gryphon hasn't finished
with him yet.

Pop! Look out!

Oh, Roger!
Where did you come from?

I thought you were on the track.

It wasn't me.
Someone took my place.

I'm so glad it wasn't you!

The Gryphon.

I bet it's Hennesey.
He was always ambitious.

By Jove, I've got it!
It's Cruikshank.

Whenever Americans
make a film about the British,

it's always the butler.

That's not our son.

Millie from the pub,
The Gryphon? That's ridiculous!

I thought she knew a lot
about cars for a barmaid.

I say, chaps. What's going on?

What's going on? This--

This imposter's been trying
to kill you for the entire race.


And I just put it down
to poor sportsmanship.

But why would
they want to kill me?

They're a bad lot,
Your Lordship.

Them Munsters want
to get the title for Freddie.

Even to do you in, sir.

You mean, when I was forced off
the road, he-- I mean she...

And the oil?

Do me in? But...

Run! Hurry!

How are you supposed to drive?

Oh, I say!

What a filthy, rotten trick.

Lady Effigie and the butler,
sir, they're getting away.

To the airport.
And hurry, my good man.

You mean the police station,
don't you, my good woman?

"Dear guys,
we are leaving now for home.

It has all been very exciting.

Millie the barmaid...

was Cruikshank's daughter.

He taught her how to drive.

And Millie, under the pseudonym
of The Gryphon,

set up the counterfeit ring.

In return, Aunt Effigie promised
she would marry Freddie...

and become Lady Munster.

That's why they kept trying
to put me in a--

as we say in our business--

in an embalming condition.

Love and kisses, Hermy baby."

There. All set.

Where's Marilyn?

She's in the garden,
saying good-bye to Roger.

Good. I've been anxious
to meet him face to face.

I think it's wonderful,

your family giving
this place to the town.

Well, we were all homesick...

and Uncle Herman just isn't
the type to be a lord.


It's getting late
and I've gotta run.

I'd just like to say that, um...

I'll be doing more racing
in America than I planned.

Last time we kissed,

you started seeing things
and we had a fight.

Don't be silly.

Don't say you saw
something this time?

Well, I, um...

Er... Not a thing.

Not a blessed thing.

It's a shame
it's such a miserable night.

I'll take care of that.

A little instant rain storm.


Well, you can't win 'em all.

Hey, wait for me!

Hurry up, Marilyn!