Munchies (1987) - full transcript

[Man] Captain's log, stardate 2027.1.

Dear Cindy, I am being held prisoner

on a barren asteroid by
the evil klingon emperor.

Oh, will you stop complaining?

It's only for six weeks.

Well, I cannot tell you how I regret

letting you bring that camera.

It's gonna be a good
experience for you, Paul.

You'll thank me for it some day.

I'm gonna thank him?

For this?



What kind of life is this?

Being dragged around the world

looking for pot fragments and aliens?

Well, what can you do?

Cindy, I debuted my act

last week in the workman's mess.

It went over really good.

Considering that they
don't speak english, but,

vou know, they're not very hip down here.

I don't know, they didn't even know

who bullwinkle was.

Well, what are you gonna do?

Next time I'll pass out cliff notes.

= Paul.



Quit trying.

You're not going to L.A.

To become a comic, and...

Dad, come on.

No you're not, Paul.

First of all,

you're not funny.

Second of all, you don't
know what L.A.'s like.

It's, it's like new
Jersey with earthquakes.

= hmm.

Come on, let's go.

The early bird catches the worm.

Oh, is breakfast ready?

Doctor, doctor!

We found someone to translate the stone!

Oh, great, Ramon!

Isn't that exciting, Paul?

Yeah, I'm psyched, really.

(Speaking in foreign language)

What did he say?

He must be chewing many Coca leaf, gato.

He say it reads: "Beware of viracocha,

"the fire of the gods will bring justice,

"from now until the end of time."

Yeah, you should ask him how many

times he's seen the curse of the mummy.

He sure about that, Ramon?

Oh, he seems very sure, doctor.

Nothing about space travelers?

No, nothing like that.

Okay, Paul.

It's time for a little
archaeological field work.

Well, you know, dad, I was never

really good at field trips in school, so,

= Paul.

Dad, I'll just wait...

Come on, come on.

Paul, look at this, it's incredible!

I've got chills!

That's because it's cold, dad.

This is pneumonia weather.

I wanna go home now.

= shh!

Oh, look!

Look at the stone work.

It's incredible how the
stones fit together.

I have a theory, shared by many,

that aliens cut these stones with lasers.

(Paul exclaiming)

What, what is it?

Some anorectic spaniard, dad.

What's that?

Oh!

Oh, look at this.

This is inti, the sun god

of the chimanacos.

Look, ma, no cavities!

Oh, this is amazing.

You go, you go look over there.

Go on!

Oh, look at this.

This is unbelievable.

It's solid gold!

It's incredible that the spaniards

didn't cut this off.

(Squeaking)

What's the matter?

= if that's some south American

cockroach, dad, bigger
than a cocker spaniel,

I'm outta here!

= shh.

Take it easy, Paul.

I'll have a look.

There's nothing here.

Over here, dad.

[Dad] What?

= come here.

[Dad] I was right!

It's an alien.

Dad, you don't know

that he's an alien.

Maybe an illegal alien.

He's just learned Spanish

'cause he's been here so long.

I mean, what else could he be?

[Paul] A Nazi genetic experiment.

Py, pyramid?

Definitely an alien.

Uh, go get something for me to put him in.

You're gonna be of big help to me, amigo.

You're gonna prove my
theory that machu picchu

was a control tower for alien spaceships.

Let the skeptics laugh,

I have my living extra-terrestrial

proof to back me up.

Right, amigo?

[Creature] Amigo!

Amigo.

Hiya, Pablo.

Dad, the only thing I could

find was my duffel bag.

I hope he doesn't mind

living with my underwear.

= calculated risk.

Here, hold this.

Now, let's see.

Chocolate, dad?

You know he might get zits.

Oh, milk duds!

Ramon?

I better get a sample of this.

What do you think it is?

I don't know, but it glows in the dark.

Looks like toxic waste.

[Paul] Dad, he's digging into the bag.

Aahh,

good, good.

Ramon!

Ramon!

Si, doctor?

Two things, Ramon.

We need transportation into Lima,

and bribe the workers to keep quiet.

It's not necessary, doctor.

How come?

They all ran away screaming.

I'm with them, dad.

= Paul.

(Speaking in foreign language)

Yeah, whatever.

= gracias.

Taste good?

Oh, looks like we have
a litterbug alien, dad.

Not funny.

[Creature] Milkybar!

(Kooky music)

(Crunching)

[Announcer] United airlines,
flight 284 from Dallas,

now arriving in gate 7.

[Creature] Milk duds.

= shh!

[Creature] Take my wife, please.

Will you shut up?

He's been hanging around you too much.

He thinks he's a comedian.

Gentlemen, kindly
step aside and disrobe.

Hey, Cindy!

(Laughing)

[Announcer] Will passenger
William Oliver please

report to the information counter.

[Cindy] Oh, I missed you.

Oh, I have something for you.

Your very own Peruvian baseball cap.

I think she's very good for him.

[Creature] Good.

A pointed hat.

I've never had a pointed hat before.

Oh, this tape's for you, too.

Ti didn't have a chance to send it.

How are the giants doing?

Are they still in first place?

How did the series with the Dodgers go?

= Simon.

Simon, you're not gonna believe it.

They won, they won!

Won in a suicide squeeze!

Wow, who, what?

= shh!

No, that's okay.

I'll get the luggage myself.

= chili Davis.

Yeah?

Chili Davis was on third,

and broke for the plate

and Brandon laid down a perfect bunt.

And chili did a hook slide round the tab

for the go ahead run.

Cindy, what about my sports rundown?

[Cindy] Battle network stars?

Yup.

Webster lost to St.
Elswhere in the final round

of greco-Roman wrestling.

Split decision.

The tie always goes
to the dramatic series.

There's no respect for sitcoms anymore.

Hey, that's the sports world for you.

Now I'm down a thousand big ones

for uncle Cecil.

I told you I don't want you betting

with that crook.

(Creature sneezing)

Hey, what's in there?

Paul, did you bring me back

a little baby llama?

Aw, take him out.

No, no, no, he's fine in here.

I put a sock in there

for him to play with.

Dad, he's not a puppy.

Oh, not a puppy, huh?

What is it, an anteater?

No, you're not even warm.

A ground sloth.

Is it marsupial?

No, I didn't check for a pouch.

A Bolivian wombat. (Laughing)

Shoot.

(Engine firing)

Damn.

(Radar beeping)

= violation!

And it's Cindy.

This is gonna be a great day!

(Siren wailing)

(Kooky music)

Hi, everybody.

How was the trip, doc?

Find any alien beings?

No, no, no, Eddie.

Not this time.

I downshifted to 35 by the time

I hit the sign, sport.

Did I say you were speeding, missy?

And that's deputy sport to you.

I had you at 12dbs over acceptable

noise limits when your car backfired.

Look, I downshifted
to keep from speeding!

I've warned you to
get that tune-up before.

So maybe now you'll start

obeying the environmental standards

that make Sweetwater such
a nice place to live,

and raise kids.

Get a real job.

Get that tune-up, noise criminal.

If she wasn't so cute,

I'd mace her.

(Excited music)

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Shhh.

That's all right, bud.

That's all right.

Now you're home.

Okay, okay.

I think,

he got a little car sick.

Shhh.

Okay.

Okay, okay, okay.

(Kooky music)

What do you mean,
you're a vegetarian now?

Ah, just like I told you, Paul.

Well, technically, I'm
a cold-blooded veggie.

I just don't like to eat

warm-blooded animals, that's all.

Come on up.

[Paul] So what does that leave,

snakes and salamanders?

[Cindy] You know, I don't
see what the big deal is.

I mean, I still eat seafood, you know.

You know, I am not at
all happy about this.

Hey, fella, you ever watched TV?

[Creature] TV!

Hi, I'm Cecil watterman.

You know, there must be over 60 brands

of wine cooler on the market now.

But there's only one original:

'Cecil's all natural wine cooler',

made out of wholesome California products.

'Cecil's', it's the real, real thing!

Uncle Cecil, what a goof.

[Creature] What a goof!

I got him some treats.

You want snacks?

[Creature] Snacks.

Oh, he's so cute.

Can't we take him out of the bag now?

No, no, no, no!

Leave him in there.

I don't want anybody
finding out about him.

Yeah.

= dad thinks he's an alien.

Yeah, your dad thought
the osmonds were aliens.

Well that hasn't been disproved yet.

You know, I haven't seen
anybody eat so much junk

since that time you got drunk.

Remember, and you ate that bar of hash?

Yeah, and you thought it
was a chunky. (Laughing)

That's it!

He's a munchie. (Laughing)

We gotta get the guy a name.

Like, um, Arnold ziffel.

The pig on green acres?

Yeah.

[Paul] See, he likes it.

[Cindy] Oh, no.

Okay, here's the number of the hotel

I'll be staying at tonight.

I'm heading over to the university

to catch Dr. crowder's lecture.

"Incan hieroglyphics: Art
form, or cosmic joke?"

Are you gonna tell him about Arnold?

Who?

[Creature] Arnold.

Arnold!

Oh, our little friend in the bag, huh?

Of course I'm gonna tell him about Arnold.

Let him to see for himself.

Draw his own conclusions.

You know, he has hinted

that he believes in alien visitations.

It's here in his book,

conquistador's journal.

If he backs up my theory,

I'll be able to get

a publisher for my book.

Our money worries will be over.

I hope.

Cool, dad.

Well, I'm glad you support me in this,

Paul, because I need your help.

You must not let Arnold out

of your sight until I get back.

Aw, dad, it's our first day back,

and you want me to stay at home

and babysit some alien?

Okay, I'll tell you what I'll do.

You're a betting man, right?

I'll make you a wager:

I'll bet you that you can't

look after Arnold for one day.

If you win, we'll discuss this budding

comedy career of yours in L.A.

Oh, that's some bet.

Now, what happens if I lose?

You stay here, you
go to community college

and you become something reputable.

You really go for the throat, dad.

You must keep him safe, and hidden.

Nobody must find out about him.

Okay?

I'm depending on you, Paul.

[Creature] Arnold!

There goes our bowling night.

Oh lord, what did 1
ever do in my past life

to make that goddamn egg split in two?

Welcome home, brother Simon.

Uh, you said you were gonna sell me

your half of the land

when you got back.

Well, here I am.

And, uh, here are the
papers for you to sign.

I'm sorry, Cecil, but
uh, I've changed my mind.

I got this deal pending.

It looks like it could be real big.

Uh, don't mean to
inconvenience you, but, uh,

I could make a lot of money on this thing.

I don't think I'd be hard
up for money anymore,

so I couldn't consider, uh,

signing those papers.

Excuse me.

So you wanna play hardball, huh?

Okay, brother, let's party.

On channel 3 you get all
the really weird stuff.

And on 24 you get all the
old, really good movies.

Now, this is how you turn it on.

Why don't you try?

- Turn it on.
- Okay.

You know there is
one brand of snack food

that's not like all the rest.

Calsnax, the all natural snack food.

Maybe not the biggest,
but I think the best.

A plain honest American product.

And what do kids think about it?

Can I have another mesquite flavored

beef jerky, uncle Cecil?

Yep.

Here you go, son.

I love space chewy sticks.

And you get a cazumat trading cards free!

Trade you major yevyir shenkov

for commander Boris fatsky.

= deal.

Yeah, kids love 'em and you will too.

Calsnax, the all natural
snack for a new generation.

It's my baby, you're my sweet fish.

Come one sweetheart, come on, dinner time.

Hey, pop.

What do you want, dude?

And I ain't your pop.

Okay, let's stand on formalities then.

Hey stepdad, could you maybe front me

500 bucks for the weekend?

5007?

What are you on something?

Quit kicking that thing.

I'm practicing for a
hackeysack tournament later.

I don't see what the big deal is

hackey sack?

Oh yeah, that's the sport you hippies play

while you're doing drugs.

Hey, like don't let
your lifestyle judgements

on me, man.

You are a bum.

You ain't working.

You ain't at school, you ain't married,

you're a bum.

Now you want 500 dollars.

Now, are you on something?

Grass, coke?

Smack, crack?

(Dude groaning)

You're a bum.

Some comeback, sweety.

Incredibly bad energy, man.

You know, I don't see
what the big deal is.

I mean I still eat seafood, you know.

Cindy.

Everybody knows that
relationships are based

on liking the same restaurant.

Now where does that leave us?

Eight salt fish and chips?

Bob's big boy new england COD dinner?

Or maybe the filet-o-fish at McDonalds?

No, filet-o-fish is out.

They deep fry them in beef fat.

J truckin up to buffalo j

j I've been thinking
you gotta mellow slow j

j it take time to pick a place to go j

j so just keep j

(record scratching)

Ugh!

Oh, like not cool pop.

That's an english import dead lp, man.

Well I don't care if
it's burl ives, man.

Got a little job for you, scum.

Forget it, pop.

I'm not endangering my Karma

by associating with you.

Oh, that's too bad, dude.

'Cause, either you help me,

or you're gonna go back

to that, uh, teepee of yours in Utah.

Now, why, you want money,

and I got the job.

Now, are you in?

Oh man, what choice do I got?

Either be a cog in the wheel,

or starve like a dog.

Here, my babies.

Come on, it's chow time.

Come on, petey.

Come on, Woody.

Come on, boys!

Chow, chow.

Chow now.

I know something that he'd like.

Arnold?

[Arnold] Arnold.

[Paul] Chicks, Arnold.

You know, Paul.

Uhm, Arnold's amusing himself

with miss July.

And you and I haven't seen

each other in a very long time.

Are you asking me to

shirk my responsibilities

for some sleazy

teenage sex?

Absolutely.

Okay.

Okay.

(Arnold sneezing)

Home of the valley's best steaks

and crunchiest tater tots,

featuring the mile-long,

700-item salad bar.

This steak is so tender,

it doesn't even taste like meat.

I just love those tater tots.

Yup, for beef so tender

it melts in your mouth,

it's western beef land.

Four convenient valley locations.

Thank you.

Will you watch what you're doing?

Take off that stupid hat!

Man, the guy on the wild kingdom

always wears a hat like this, man.

Man, you act like you've never

seen the wild kingdom before.

It's nice to have you home.

(Cindy giggling)

(Kooky music)

Paul, not so rough.

I haven't done anything yet.

Oh, gross, felt up by a furball.

Arnold, go downstairs and watch TV!

Now!

Sorry, man.

[Arnold] Snacks!

(Shattering)

(Stuff clacking)

When I say "now", you break

for the living room and cut him off.

Break what?

= uh-oh.

[Cecil] Now.

= now what?

Now go!

Gotcha!

(Fast paced music)

Damn!

It's all your fault!

But there's more than one way

to skin a cat.

(Kooky music)

Here, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty.

Here, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty.

Come on, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty.

Man, are you sure that thing's a cat?

Shut up!

And open that garbage bag.

Oh, man.

Oh wow, man.

Just like capturing a snow leopard

on the wild kingdom, man.

Come on, let's get out of here.

Hey, you wanna play doctor?

What?

(Laughing)

(Thudding from downstairs)

Did you hear something?

It's probably just Arnold

raiding the refrigerator.

Hit me again.

(Laughing)

Hi, goof.

You guys know each other, huh?

Don't get wise, punk.

Well, it's been real, pop,

but I gotta get goin'.

Oh, no you don't.

You ain't finished yet.

You're gonna help me out

with this creature.

But I've got

things to do, man.

I'm going to the Berkeley

tie dye and hacky sack festival.

Now, dude,

haven't I always treated you

like you was my own stepson?

But I am your stepson.

I know, and I always treated you

like you was, didn't I?

Yeah, you always treated me

like a stepchild.

Yes.

Well, you guard him with your life,

or you won't have one!

You threatenin' me, pop?

Yes.

Okay.

I'm going to the bus station now

to pick up your mother.

Now you watch him.

Scum.

Where are you?

= I'm over here

behind the watermelon!

= that's not a watermelon!

(Cindy giggling)

Hey, cut it out,

you furry wimp!

It took my mom 4000 books

of green stamps to get that.

Cut it out.

I said, cut it out!

(Splatting)

Take that.

(Tense music)

Oh!

Oh, man, my dead records!

You are history, pal!

You're not laughing

anymore, are you, pal?

Agh!

(Gun firing)

Got you now!

(Gun firing)

(Grunting)

(Ominous music)

Sure missed ya.

Did you?

The bed got awful cold at night.

= Cecil!

You sweet thing, you.

Oh! How's my baby dude doin'?

Oh, fine. Fine.

Just fine.

One thing I'll never know, though, honey,

is why you agreed to

adopt that worthless kid

when you left that little

con cousin of yours.

= t don't know.

I guess I just felt sorry for him,

'cause he was so ugly and stupid.

Hey, what's happenin', man?

Hostile little bastard.

Incredibly bad energy, man.

Oh, yeah.

Rudy, how you feelin', man?

Leo, what'd I have to drink last night?

I feel sick.

Hey. Hey, Rudy.

Where are we?

Look at this kitchen!

You ever see such an ugly kitchen? Ugh!

Eh, let's go.

Come on!

> Truckin' lp

j I got my chips cashed in j

j; Keep a-truckin', yeah j

crank it all the way up, man!

(Screaming)

What are you doing?

What?

What, this is where I always look

for when I lose my keys.

Then why don't you just
rip the carpet up too?

Where could he have gone?

To the store for a pack of cigarettes

and a case of house snacks.

= jokes I don't need.

This is horrible.

This is worse than the
time you almost married

the Joe Montana impersonator in Hawaii.

Oh, why do you have to
keep bringing that up?

Arnold, come home!

You know, it serves you right.

It serves you right for

letting him read that magazine.

You act like I had him freebasing

at the playboy mansion or something.

You just didn't have
any time, that's all.

You know, I can't believe

your lack of faith in me.

You never used to be this way.

I never said lovin' was easy.

(Booming)

(Chuckling)good shooting, man!

You got it!

Bullseye! (Laughing)

Where'd those guys come from?

= t don't know.

(Gun booming)

Wait right here.

I'm gonna go around.

You keep 'em occupied.

Okay?

Okay.

Hey, fellas!

(Humming)

Look at that.

Shake that thing, baby.

Must be jelly, cause

jam don't shake like that!

[Cindy] Paul, hurry up.

They're drooling.

= take it all off!

Good job.

We got 'em.

How come you've never

danced like that for me?

(Booming)

Wow, my eardrums!

Man, this stuff stinks!

(Laughing)

What's so funny?

[Creature] Come on waste 'em, man.

Blow 'em away!

Come on!

Yeah, show 'em.

No, Arnold, come on now.

Give me the... give me the gun.

= don't listen to him.

Get him in the kneecaps, come on!

Give me the gun.

No way, Jose.

I'm getting pissed off.

Back off, man!

(Gun blasting)

Jeez, what an attitude.

Okay, pull!

They're gone.

(Car starting)

Come on, we gotta get them.

(Fast paced koooky music)

Great shots, man!

Step on it!

I can't push any harder.

Hey, let me do it, huh?

I didn't know you could

drive like Starsky and Hutch.

Hey, watch the smoke, man.

You're gonna give me cancer.

= buzz off.

Check out the scenery, dudes.

Next month, we go to New Jersey!

= go ahead.

Make for the county line.

And I'll blow your tires out!

(Siren wailing)

Déja vu.

You think just 'cause my dad's away

at the riot control convention,

that's your cue to

run wild in the streets?

Uh, Eddie, you're not
gonna believe this, but uh,

Cindy's dad is in the CIA.

And we're on a mission
of national security.

That ugly, yellow car
is full of ruskie spies

with stolen secrets
from the silicon valley.

Really?

Yeah.

Need some help?

Come on, let me help!

I was an eagle scout, you know.

Okay, but this is
classified information.

We have reason to believe

that they are planning

to blow up golf land,

and discredit the American

way of life.

Okay.

Thanks, Paul.

(Laughing)

(Car starting)

(Revving)

How did you know my dad

[Paul] His decoder ring gave him away.

What are you readin'?

Oh, this is the latest issue

of insult celebrities.

There is a interview

with ozzy Osbourne.

"How today's dating is rough

on sensitive guys."

I don't know why

you read trash like that.

It's educational, honey.

Look, here's your astroscope.

Oh, my ass.

Let's see, cancer,

"you have little Patience

"with the eccentricity of neighbors.

"Home is where your heart is.”

(Gun blasting)

J up to the driver seat now j

j taking on the lead j

j had enough of the backseat baby j

j that's not what I need

all right!

J I'm making an entrance honey j

j coming out of my shell 7

j start looking over your
shoulder babe 'cause

check out that poon freak, man.

(Tires screeching)

- Come on!
- Yeah!

(Booming)

Lady.

J gonna get even j

j don't get mad, don't care j

j gonna get even j

j now j

ain't gonna take that from

no American motors car.

Head for the hills, mama.

Crazy punks!

Let them have guns!

(Gun firing)

(Booming)

You idiots!

Like it?

Let's go, man.

You're gonna pay for this, you

furry little wimps!

Guess we showed her.

He-hey, we the munchies!

Which way did they go?

They went that a-way, get 'em!

(Kooky music)

Did you get a big haul
from purity chemical

this week, hon?

Over 2,000 barrels.

I'm running out of space.

The caves under the factory
are getting filled up.

I'm gonna have to get
my hands on more land.

Oh you're such a go-getter, Cecil.

Now honey I just happened to know

that toxic waste is America's
greatest natural resource.

And it's completely untapped.

You see, the difference between America

and the rest of the world
is we know about recycling.

You mean like squishing
up aluminum cans?

No honey, more than that.

I'm taking about way more than that.

Let me give you an example.

[Wife] Okay.

There is no difference
between toxic waste

and beef jerky.

Oh, get out.

= no I mean it.

= no.

Purity meats pays me to haul away

their floor scraps.

I take it, I press it
into jerky and sell it.

Same thing with toxic waste.

Company just pays me to haul it away,

I treat it with my
secret neutralizing sauce

and then I make it into
my calsnax products.

Twin killing, making money on it twice.

You're the American success story.

Couldn't do it without you, sweet meat.

Can't wait to get you home.

(Kooky music)

= ooh!

Watch those short stops.

You'll squish my 'do.

Well, what the?

(Screaming)

What a mess!

Conchita will be furious!

(Gasping) Oh no, my genuine plastic Eros!

Elvis!

(Gasping) Dude!

Oh!

Is, is he dead?

= sure looks it.

Oh my god!

Oh my god!

Look!

No one kills my tropical fish and lives!

What's happened here?!

Your son blew it again,

that's what's happened!

I figured out a way to

force Simon to sell me his land,

but he blew it!

He let the creature get away!

What creature?

I dunno, some bad thing

Simon found in Peru.

We gotta get big ed back up here, pronto!

Let's get Eddie, Eddie!

We saw his car at golf land.

Oh, hell, he's dumber than his old man.

But, I guess we're stuck with him

until big ed gets back.

Clearview, please.

Number of the easy 8 motel.

(Fast paced music)

(Honking)

Hey, hey!

What are you doing?

(Honking)

You deadhead fucking surfer!

Okay.

(Tires screeching)

(Screaming)

(Splashing)

(Tires screeching)

(Laughing)

(Snickering)

What is going on?

Which way'd they go?

That way!

When will they see it?

When will they know that it's

the evil, red tide of communism

that's destroying the American fiber,

eroding the American way
of life as we know it?

Those Soviet scums make me wanna barf!

You guys must think you're pretty funny!

Sending me off to guard
golf land, huh, wise guy?

Those ruskie spies must have

a high-level informant in the CIA.

But we really need your help

to get a line on dude's car.

I mean, can't you put out,

like, a dragnet or something?

That's an apb, Kojak.

= an all points bulletin is reserved

for bonafide high priority
police emergencies

and then only by a directive

of a commanding officer.

You guys must not realize
that you're dealing

with a very sharp lawman.

I know there are no slimy Soviet spies

in that ugly yellow car.

You're covering up for dude

and his worthless deadhead pals.

Hah, I told you we
couldn't fool Eddie, Paul.

Eddie!

Eddie, what are you doing

to stop the impending disaster?

With all due respect, Mr. watterman,

might I remind you

that I am the police officer,

and you are the civilian.

Ti don't intend to let

red man anarchy rule the day

just 'cause my dad's away.

What impending disaster?

The disaster that wrecked my condo,

ate my tropical fish,

and killed dude macintosh.

My beloved stepson!

= there's been a murder?

My first murder!

What a great day!

I'm on the case!

Where am I going?

My place, you lunkhead!

This is all your fault.

If you wouldn't have kidnapped Arnold,

none of this would have happened.

Yeah, now there's four of them,

and they're all mad as hell.

I don't know what you're talking about.

The point is, we gotta

track this thing down, pronto!

Now are you and your bimbo

in this with me, or what?

Who are you calling bimbo,

you polyester cowboy?

Who are you calling
polyester cowboy, you,

cheap dime store floozy?

If I wasn't such a lady,

I would pop you one.

We'll find Arnold for ourselves, Cecil.

Oh, just what I expected
from today's youth.

There ain't a real American among ya!

And it's the fourth of July, too.

Cecil, if you're such a patriot,

how come your space chewy sticks

are the official snack food

of the Russian commienauts, huh?

Because you gotta bribe those bums

at NASA to get an endorsement.

With the commies, you just
cut them in for a percentage.

But I ain't got time standing 'round here

talkin' snack food economics to you two.

Come on, melvis, let's roll!

We gotta meet big ed.

I want your chromosomes checked

before we have kids.

(Woman giggling)

I'm coming to get you!

Whoa, would you look
at those beautiful babes?

I'm going down for a closer look.

Oh, catch those beach balls!

I only dated him to get to Whitney.

Who is merely the richest guy in town.

Bitchin' dudes!

Hey, isn't that dude's
old ugly, yellow car?

Who?

You know, that burnout,

Santa Cruz deadhead?

He hangs with, uh, Denise.

The loadie chick?

Oh, Denise, whose sister's

the salad bar manager
at western beef land.

Yeah, you know dude.

What are those things?

Dude's pals from Santa Cruz?

(Screaming) A piranha!

See you later, Terry.

That's my favorite
bathing suit, you creep!

Hiya, sweetheart!

(Popping)

Oh, no!

Oh!

See you around, Amy!

Wait, what's your sign?

Come to papa!

It's okay.

It's okay.

(Splashing)

[Creature] Hey, let's get out of here.

Okay, come on, Arnold.

Come on, I'd recognize
those beady eyes anywhere.

Thanks for the help, Amy.

= you're the one to talk.

Besides, I'm not missing cheerleading

camp because of you.

= come on.

He must have gotten away down the pipes.

Well, now he could be anywhere.

What were those things?

Uh, tourists from, from Nevada.

(Popping)

Buddy Holly Johnson,

quit lightin' them firecrackers!

Don't want you to become

another holiday statistic, now.

Hey, bro, I smell ice cream.

Where is it?

Buddy Holly, you're too quiet.

What are you up to?

Buddy Holly, just answer me!

What are you...

Aahh!

Wow, god, what are they?

= get back here.

All right, everybody inside, inside.

(Gun firing)

= idiot!

(Shattering)

[Man] Quick, into the cooler.

Hey, look out!

Get outta the way!

How long does it take

to fix a tire?

(Clanging)

Would've helped if you'd had a Jack.

I don't know, I can't decide.

What should I get, vanilla or chocolate?

I'm going for mocha chip.

Stay there.

Get back.

Get back in the car.

Looters, huh?

(Hectic music)

Hey, guys, wait for me!

Who's gonna clean this mess up?

Oh, Bob!

= I'm fine.

= huh?

I'm fine, thanks.

I'm fine.

Oh, by the way, I'm Marge.

And this is Bob.

And this is little buddy Holly.

Next time I wanna try rum raisin.

We'll be at the hospital soon.

What were those things?

Aliens, mom!

I already told ya.

Adults are talking.

Forget the hospital.

It's not too bad.

Bob was mauled by a
grizzly in yellowstone once.

Well, I hope it wasn't yogi.

= I've had worse.

I was mauled by a grizzly
in yellowstone once.

So you folks from around here?

Elco, Nevada, originally.

Well say is it really true

that the sun sets green in
the nuclear testing zone

and that your milk go sour
while you're drinking it?

Anti nuke propaganda.

Okay.

Okay, the milk's true.

But the sunsets are only
really green on blast days.

Baby.

Here' I'll get the seat for you.

Watch your cone.

= thanks for the lift.

Are you gonna be okay, can I help you?

No, no, we've done this before.

Honey, what do you want this time,

stitches or clamps?

Let's go back to my house

and check Dr. crowder's book.

'Cause I don't know where
to look for them anymore.

Okay.

[Eddie] Can't you guys
move it out any faster?

I'm sorry, little dead dude.

I'll never forget the
first time I saw him.

He was eleven, and I said to myself:

"That boy looks like a chicken."

And now he's gone.

That's all right,
darlin', please, come on.

Daddy'll give you a massage.

Poor thing, I mean, he always

made a mess, but he meant well.

Didn't he, honey?

[Cecil] Yes, darlin'.

[Melvis] We'll all
be in heaven some day.

There's nowhere to go and nothing to do.

Let's go break some windows

at the junior high.

I'm up for some vandalism, dude.

You see?

That's what happens when American youth

doesn't have the proper
recreational facilities.

When they don't have a video arcade

they can go into to develop the necessary

hand eye coordination that's so vital

in the computer age.

When they don't have the calsnax emporium

to go into where they can
get good, wholesome food

so they can grow up to be big and strong.

And why?

Those special interest
groups oppose the solar mall

for their own selfish reasons.

Hi, I'm Cecil watterman and I wanna build

that solar mall for the
people of Sweetwater.

So folk, yes on proposition 61.

Say yes, we want the mall.

For our kids.

Thanks for your support.

[Announcer] Paid for by the

better tomorrow through malls committee.

Oh boy, that Cecil.

What a sleaze.

It's surprising he's not in Washington.

He wouldn't go for the pay cut.

You know, I think I've got something here.

You do?

You know, it is really such a turn-on

when you take charge and everything.

Really?

= uh-huh.

If I would've know that,

I would've taken a Dale
carnegie course years ago.

You know, it says here
that there are legends

that the high priests were able

to bring inanimate objects to life.

They used, and I quote:
"The fire of the gods."

"Once brought to life, the objects

"then supposedly had regenerative powers,

"which made them unable to be destroyed."

= hm.

What do you think
"fire of the gods" means?

= t don't know.

But you can probably rule out microwaves.

Regenerative powers.

That's how come there's four of them.

It's like with the worm.

You have one worm.

You cut it in half, you have two worms.

We've gotta warn
everybody not to cut them.

Otherwise, we're gonna
have hundreds of munchies

running around Sweetwater
stealing junk food.

(Fast paced kooky music)

(Splashing)

(Boinging)

(Fast paced kooky music)

(Popping)

(Splashing)

(Swords clanging)

(Splashing)

This little piggy had roast beef.

No, stop it.

This little piggy had none.

And this little piggy

was a bad little piggy,

then wee-wee-wee'd all the way home!

Stop it.

Oh, honey,

if only I'd been a better stepmother.

Oh darling, you were a wonderful mother.

You want a bite?

No, honey, I don't want.

I just want want another bite of you.

I love you so much.

Maybe I'll have a pink one.

(Crashing)

All right!

Where's the insurrection?

It's big ed!

Thank the lord.

That door's made out
of redwood, you jackass!

Well, the place is destroyed.

What do you need the door for?

Oh, big ed, we missed you!

Where'd you get the riot gear?

You like it?

T borrowed it from some buddies of mine

on the tactical assault squad.

Uh, darlin', why don't
you go get us a cool drink?

Would you mind, sweetheart?

Eddie, give her a hand.

She's deeply bereaved.

Go on, darlin', thank you.

Wha?

We've got a full-blown
crisis on our hands!

Hm, Eddie couldn't handle it, huh?

You know he graduated in the

top 70% of deputy school?

You know, boss, I was having

a great time at this convention.

I got this riot gun here, and I got...

Would you just forget that!

Now listen!

If those creatures get
into the underground caves,

people are gonna find out
that I have been storing

barrels of toxic waste under the town.

Now, if I go down, you come with me!

A real meeting of the minds, huh?

Cecil, I found some more

stuff out about those creatures.

=-t don't wanna hear it.

I'll take care of those hostile

little bastards in my own way.

But Cecil, you gotta listen...

Oh, honey, it's almost 9 o'clock!

We've got to get over to golf land

for those ribbon cutting ceremonies.

Oh, heaven's sakes, I haven't even

memorized all of my speech yet!

Cecil, you gotta listen to me.

I need your help.
Ladies and gentlemen,

= I'm not sure what to do!

From the beginning of recorded time,

man has always searched for green.

(Horn rendition of "star-spangled banner")

(Single clapping)

Throughout history,
civilization has advanced

for the good of all men,

when a few great men

have had bold, new visions,

and the courage to carry them out.

Yeah!

But behind every great man,

there is a loving and dedicated woman

who fills his days and nights,

with a love that is so profound,

so deep that it urges him on

to fulfill even his wildest dreams.

Caesar had his Cleopatra,

Napoleon had his joséphine,

and Sonny had his Cher.

But luckiest of all:

I've had my melvis.

(Crowd applauding)

You know, they laughed at me

when I said I would build the world's

first 36-hole miniature golf course.

But I didn't listen to other people.

I followed my dream.

And with this fine lady's help,

I have brought this valley

36 holes of miniature golf.

I officially now declare

melvis' miniature golf
land officially open!

Yessir!

(Crowd applauding)

Go on, get out there and putt, putt.

Putt your little hearts away.

It's on the house today, folks.

On the house.

Okay, last 10!

Loser's buyin' pizza.

Hope you brought your money this time.

Wait till the guys see this!

Ohh!

[Woman] Hey, look at
the dudes over there!

[Woman] You're cheating!

[Woman] I didn't cheat!

Come on, do it again.

Come on, come on.

Whoa!

Whoops.

Ready to lose?

(Tense music)

(Laughing)

Oh, gross!

What was that?

It's them, here.

It's them, they're here.

It's them, dad!

Shh, buddy, I'll make par

if I get this one.

But dad, you don't understand!

It's them!

Dad, they're here!

[Dad] Shh!

= dad!

= shh!

Look!

Dad, look!

Look, daddy!

(Snarling)

Oh, dad, look!

(Screaming)

(Spray hissing)

I guess it's just
not my day, huh, Marge?

Is it bad, Bob?

No, no, honey.

The mace took my mind

off the pain.

= give me that.

Somebody's gonna hear us.

Shut up.

Agh!

Get it off me, get it off me!

Hurry up!

I didn't bring any money!

And you ask if me if I brought my money?

Well what's the problem?

We were getting some
calsnax out of the machine

when this thing attacked Dennis.

Huh, well.

Eddie, Eddie!

Yes sir!

Eddie, take care of him, huh.

Yes sir, that I will do sir

for under state code 32-22025,

a deputized law officer like myself

will make sure these youths receive

proper and adequate medical care.

Unless we're talking
about the new abridged law

which doesn't say anything about that.

Actually, matter of fact,

I can probably do anything
I want with them really.

Take light, take them down.

Eddie!

Just take care of them, huh.

Just get them out of here.

Move, move, move!

(Kooky music)

You know maybe I should drive, Bob.

I could use the practice.

Okay.

Hi.

Hi.

Oh, the 27th hole, the pagoda.

Watch it.

= thanks.

Hey, we're making a run to the clinic

over at Harmony falls.

You need a lift?

Get in.

It wasn't my fault, dad, honest.

Well, son, I think you've
done a pretty fair job

of maintaining order here.

Gee, thanks, dad!

Ed!

Get over here!

Well, do something, you dumb motherf...

= Cecil!

Don't you say the f word!

There's a lady present!

= just don't stand there!

Plug 'em!

Code blue, dad!

Right, son!

Cover my rear!

All right, let me do a
little beat on them now!

All right!

You can't kill 'em with guns.

Yeah, and how do you know that?

Because I read this book

called the conquistador's journal.

Look, these things regenerate.

You can't kill "em!

If you cut 'em up, there's
just gonna be more of them.

I don't believe that crap!

Do you, melvis?

Well,

ti don't know.

(Screaming)

Hiya, toots.

Hold this, son.

(Gun firing)

Good shootin', ed.

I knew you had it in you, big ed.

Oh, thanks, melvis.

It's party time.

Those ugly little things are wearing

all of dude's stuff!

Denise tie dyed that scarf
for my baby's birthday!

Take it easy, honey.

I'll fix their wagon!

Give me your helmet, ed.

I can't, it's a loaner.

I said, give me your helmet!

Honey, give me them scissors.

Are you crazy?

You're gonna cut 'em up
and make more of them!

Get outta my way!

Hey, honkey.

Yeah, gotcha, sucker!

Bullseye, man, bullseye!

Yeah, got him.

Good shot!

He doesn't know what he's doing.

[Creature] Thank you.

Well, I guess that shows
vou what you don't know.

Well, not exactly.

Say what?

Cecil, I told you not to cut them up!

Now there are seven of them!

No, get out of my sight!

Ed, arrest him, and take
his floozy with him!

= Geronimo.

(Creature speaking in foreign language)

Don't matter where you cuff them to,

just put them in the big house!

Wait a minute, wait a minute!

Hey, come here.

[Creature] Yeah, come on!

Were does this drain pipe lead to?

Uh, the watterman wash.

We gotta get to the factory

before they get into

the underground storage areas.

Can I have my helmet back?

Is your head gettin' cold?

Hey, Eddie,

you're not really gonna

take us to the big house, are you?

Where?

Oh, oh, jail?

Yeah, I am.

A good lawman

always follows orders.

No, no, no,

a really good lawman

thinks on his feet

and make snap decisions

whenever unforeseen
circumstances should arise.

I'm not listening to you!

Y'all, already lied to me

about those ruskie spies.

Come on, Eddie.

Don't you wanna be a big hero,

get all the glory when
you capture those things?

Well, maybe.

Look for Cher, man.

Ti think she did a movie once.

= t wanna see naked women!

Maybe she was naked?

I-I-i don't know why you wanna

go back to golf land.

Oh, scene of the crime, clues,

all that macho cop stuff.

You know.

Yeah, I know.

I'm the lawman, remember?

Yeah.

(Tires screeching)

Couldn't we stop at pizza land?

Sure could go for a couple
of slices right now.

Yeah, I'm hungry.

They don't serve meals
on the bus, you know.

I've told you, we can't!

We've got to get to the factory!

Just get a couple of takeout slices!

Pizza gives me gas.

(Shattering)

(Alarm ringing)

Whoa!

A 430 double stroke z in progress!

What's that?

Ah, these punk vandals

from the junior high!

Eddie? I just love
all the macho cop stuff!

(Laughing) Under state stature 35.C,

civilians may be duly deputized

in times of natural
emergency and/or stress.

You're the one!

[Creature] Aw, nothing but
stupid educational films, man.

(Creatures cackling)

[Creature] I want more naked women!

(Creatures chattering)

(Zapping)

= that's it!

Electricity.

"The fire of the gods."

It's just like he said in the journal.

[Creature] Let's split, man.

There goes Arnold!

[Creature] Come on, later.

(Clanging)

= come on.

= t hate western beef land.

Besides, the enquirer says that

red meat clogs your plumbin'.

They got the best salad
bar in the state, big ed.

Well, now you're talkin'.

Salad will set you free!

All right, all right, all right!

We'll go through the drive-through

at burger land, and that's it, okay?

Burgers give me indigestion.

Well, that's 'cause
they clog your plumbin...

Oh, lord.

God, it's cold down here.

It reminds me of Peru.

I wonder why this place is all lit up.

I'm sure Mr. watterman's got

a perfectly reasonable explanation.

Probably a perfectly sleazy one.

He is my role model, you know.

Yeah, he would be.

Look.

They must have gone this way, come on.

(Slightly tense music)

(Exhaling)

A little help.

Help!

Help!

It's okay.

Move 'em out.

You okay, bud?

Which one, Paul?

You guys go down here,

and I'll try down here.

We'll meet back here in five minutes.

All right.

Let's synchronize our watches.

I've got 10:57.

= check.

= check!

Okay, so maybe I panicked a
little bit out there, huh?

There was only one of them.

But what if there had been, let's say

a hundred of them?

And they're tearing the
flesh off your bones

and you're screaming...

Eddie, shut up!

(Kooky music)

You little twerps ain't finished yet?

Geez, how am I ever
gonna be regional manager

with employees like you, huh?

Come on!

Snap it up, short-stops, okay?

It's guys like butcher

that give burger land managers a bad name.

Forget him.

He's got socialization problems.

= and bad skin.

= this is Cecil watterman.

Ordering.

Oh, wait, I don't want the Patty,

I just want a bun with, uhm,

with lettuce and tomato.

And I'd just like a fruit bowl, please.

No, you don't want a fruit bowl,

'cause strawberries give you hives.

Well, I thought pineapples...

No, I...

= that's it!

Give me three double melvis burgers,

three large fries, and three solar shakes.

Do you copy?

I said, do you copy?

(Man groaning)

Three double melvis burgers,

three large fries, and three solar shakes.

Do you get it?

Sounds like he's got a broken

squawk box or somethin'.

= this is Cecil watterman.

And I'm ordering!

Three double melvis burgers,

three large fries, and three solar shakes,

do you copy?

And a pickled pickle.

Where is it?

Hello?

Hey, it's slow tonight.

Butcher?

I thought you said this
night manager was going places.

He's going, all right.

He's gonna find himself another job!

Butcher, where are you?

Butcher, you here?

We didn't get our melvis burgers.

I don't like these games now, butcher.

This is Cecil watterman!

[Melvis] What's happening?

[Cecil] Hit them lights, ed.

[Melvis] (Screaming) Ed,
you better have a coat,

just kidding.

(Gasping)

[Creature] Let's split, man.

They're in the caves now, for sure!

We gotta get to the factory!

We didn't get our order.

(Whistling)

You know, Cindy, Paul is a really

cool dude and everything, but, uh,

he's not exactly what you would call

a go-getter kind of guy.

You know what I'm saying?

What are you talking about, Eddie?

Well, it just seems
to me that an incredibly

happening chick like yourself

would go out with a
guy with a real future.

Like who, Eddie?

I'm going back to deputy school

to be recertified as a
special weapons expert.

Then I figure I'll probably retire from my

wild and totally hot bachelor life, and,

settle down and buy myself

a little place near video land.

Eddie, I'd rather become
a nun and join a convent.

I got no problems with my wife working.

Let me help you out, melvis.

Oh, I think I feel dizzy.

= what's the matter?

I'm starving!

If we don't get some
food in this woman soon

I won't be held responsible!

Come on, you two.

So hungry!

Come on!

What was that?

Eddie?

Eddie?

Eddie, speak to me.

Eddie, Eddie, if you wake up right now,

I'll be your wife.

Well, we'll get engaged.

Um, what I mean is we'll go steady.

Uh, look Eddie, we'll go out.

Once.

Maybe coffee.

(Whistling)

Hey, honey bun!

How about a kiss?

(Tense music)

Hey, don't run away.

We're gonna treat you nice.

(Munchies cackling)

I don't wanna point any fingers,

but if we'd stopped at that salad bar,

we would have gotten those

to-go styrofoam containers.

It would have taken five,

many ten minutes at most.

Here.

Have some cheese squeeze.

=- ew!

Cheese squeeze makes my eyeballs itch!

Hm. (Cheese can hissing)

You get a four-carbon
rush doing this straight.

Hey, boss, you got some crackers?

Well, we gotta look on the bright side.

I read fasting improves your Karma.

Do you think Sushi land delivers?

You okay, Eddie?

Put me in the game, coach.

Next play, Eddie, next play.

Cecil, let me in!

(Munchies cackling)

[Creature] Hey, honey,
what's your hurry?

My heart is palpatatin'.

They almost got in here.

It's all right.

[Creature] Hey, come back here!

Wait for me!

Later, man.

Shopping hours are now over.

[Ed] I have closet-phobia!

[Melvis] Oh no, me too!

[Cecil] Now don't panic, sweetheart.

Daddy's here.

Now don't be scared.

Here, here, take my hand.

There, is that better?

[Ed] Yeah, thanks, boss.

[Cecil] Get outta here!

(Somber music)

(Shrieking)

(Tense music)

Oh, great.

Oh, now what?

What do we do now?

Ah, let's find something to eat.

Come on!

(Munchies cackling and chattering)

I am coming.

Arnold's going to come to see you.

Ma chérie?

Here I am coming!

Ma chérie.

(Munchies chattering and cackling)

= hit it!

(Suspenseful music)

Oh my god, they're multiplying.

= gotcha!

Bonjour, Cindy.

Come to me, my little peach blossom.

My sweet little darling.

My little soufflé chocolat.

(Clanking)

(Groaning)

(Cackling)

(Zapping)

(Shattering)

= paull

Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.

What about you?

I'm okay.

T was so scared.

(Shrieking)

(Tense music)

(Snarling)

(Zapping)

Should we take it back to Simon?

I gotta bring him something.

He's counting on me.

= wait a minute.

Think I found something.

It was on the panel all the time.

It was right here all the time!

(Laughing)

Can you imagine, honey?

It was here.

We were looking all over the place,

and it was right here.

Boy, I'll be darned.

Hallelujah.

Yeah, praise the lord.

Are you all right, darling?

Mm-hmm!

Who's there?

[Ed] Dad.

= dad who?

Daddy?

[Cecil] Hey, Eddie.

Yes, sir!

[Cecil] It's Cecil watterman.

How are you doing, sir?

[Cecil] I want you to
hit that emergency switch.

You mean this red button

right here on the side, sir?

[Cecil] No, no, no, on the other side.

There's nothing over here,

Mr. watterman.

[Cecil] On the side side, you idiot!

Good work.

Way to go, son.

Thanks, dad.

What happened to them monsters?

Smashed to smithereens,

no thanks to you.

Here, look at this.

= asbestos for tater tot mix?

Agent orange for
mandarin/orange wine cooler?

Well, I guess it's been a long night

for all of us, you probably wanna...

Cecil, you scum!

Calsnax are made with toxic waste!

But it's harmless, Paul.

Can't hurt anybody.

I've treated it all with my

secret neutralizing mix.

Of course, I wouldn't want it

to get around, you know,

trade secrets and everything.

You know, Paul, I've been thinking.

You know, I could use a smart fella

like you around the factory.

Put you in charge of the endangered

species sponge cake division.

What's your answer, nephew?

= just this.

(Bashing)

Oh, sweetheart!

Oh, honey.

I want him arrested for assault, ed!

All right, darling.

What are you doing?

What?

= you work for me!

= not no more.

You never did tell me
about poison in the food.

= you can't arrest me!

I've seen those movies
about what happens to

nice girls like me in prison.

Hey, you're already on
your way to the big house

so why don't you just
put a sock in it, toots!

Look what happened to Linda Blair!

Eddie, can you give
us a ride to my house?

No problem, good buddy!

I'll give you that recommendation

to deputy school if you want.

My name carries a lot
of weight around there.

I finished highest in parking enforcement.

Well, I might take you up on that.

Looks like I'm gonna be
around here for a while, so,

see you later, Eddie.

Bye, Eddie.

What happened to Arnold?

Aw, dad, you're never gonna believe...

= it was all Cecil's fault.

= Simon!

I've never seen one this well preserved.

You didn't have to hand
me that line about aliens.

I would've come anyway.

This Dr. crowder from
the archaeology institute.

This is my son, Paul,
and his friend, Cindy.

Pleased to meet you.

May I?

= sure.

Amazing.

I can offer you $25,000 for this statue.

It's yours.

What an addition this is going to make

to the university's
natural history museum.

Some will say I've paid
too much, of course.

But for something like this?

Unbelievable.

Well, I guess I've lost the bet.

I'll go tomorrow and enroll
in community college, and,

dad?

Oh, son!

I forgot to tell you.

Do you remember that sample
that I took at the temple?

Yeah.

Well, I had it analyzed.

And it's some sort of toxic waste.

But there are no elements in it

that are known on earth!

So you mean, machu picchu is really...

An alien toxic waste dump!

I've got my new bestseller.

Machu picchu: Toxic
waste dump of the gods.

(Laughing)

Hey, you could probably
use that in your act, huh?

You mean I don't have to go to college?

Oh, no.

A good mind is a terrible thing to waste.

Not funny, dad.

Not funny.

(Car honking)

So, how do you feel about L.A.?

Mm, it's like New Jersey,
with earthquakes. (Laughing)

(Lightning clapping)

[Creature] Amigo!

(Kooky music)

[Man] Come on, Tina, that's enough.

(Chuckling)