Multiplicity (1996) - full transcript

Hey, Douglas. How's it going?

What did you do?

Demo'ed the driveway.

Yeah. Nice job, too.

What's the problem?

Well, you know...

It's the wrong driveway.

That's a problem, don't you think?

2933, Vic. This is 2935!

Hey! We're in the wrong...

These guys are morons.



I hate to say this, Doug.
Whoa, this is gonna cost.

It's going to cost who?

Doug. I'm in a bad way right now.

I mean, money's very tight
with me, okay.

Doug, I do know can't afford
to eat this, okay,

even if it was my fault,
which I'm not saying it was

until I talk to an attorney.

Shut up, Vic. Shut up.

What am I going to do?

Oh, man. What am I gonna do?

All right. Here's what we're gonna do.
Here's what we're gonna do.

We're gonna get right to work
and we're gonna do both driveways, okay?

I don't care how long it takes,

nobody goes home until we're finished.



And if you say one more word
to me, Vic, I swear to God,

one more word for the rest of the day,

I'm gonna take a drywall hammer

and I'm gonna beat you
to death with it.

- You got it?
- Makes total sense to me.

Doug. Thank you.

Hello. Kinney. Oh, yeah, yeah.
Hey, Eddie. How ya doing?

Problem this morning, huh?

Giving away free driveways?

You can always come to my place.

Why you always have a crack
when you come into the door?

Why do you have to say something, huh?

No. Hey, listen, go ahead
and fax those plans over.

Right now.

Yeah. Hold on a second.
I got another call.

Hello? Oh, hey, hi, hon.
I was just gonna call you.

What's the matter?

Oh, really? No, no, I know what it is.
No. It's the hot water heater.

I've been meaning to fix it.

Oh, shit.

Frank! My fax machine's
gone psycho again.

- Doug.
- Oh. Yo.

What's up?

Do you hate me?

- No, Del, I don't hate you.
- Why are you trying to end my life?

I got this guy in Beverly Hills
who's straight up my nose

says he's gonna sue me.

You destroyed his driveway?

Yeah, yeah, we did.

What, like a prank?

No, not like a prank, Del.

Look, don't even think about it.

Don't give it a second thought,
it's my responsibility.

And I'm gonna go back out there,
and I'm gonna fix it on my own time.

Oh, yeah? What time would that be?

'Cause Ted told me you still
haven't finished the Malibu job yet.

You know what I think?

No, Ted, what do you think?

I think we're going to have to put in
some more hours here.

I mean this isn't
just a nine-to-five job.

That's not going to get it done.

There was a saying where I worked last.

"If you don't come in on Saturday,
don't bother coming in Sunday."

You're talking about working weekends.

I'm talking about working weekends,
nights, holidays. Whatever it takes.

I'm ready.

My office. Two minutes.

Hey, do you have any stegosauruses?

No. I have

an iguanodon and a tyrannosaurus.

I fished a stegosaurus. Hey, Dad.

- Hey, dude. How you doing?
- Good.

Good hand. Hey, dude.

Did you look at the hot water heater?

Honey, I just walked in the door.

Okay, Zack. No bath tonight.

All right!

- Yes!
- Brush your teeth and go to bed.

You missed Campfire Girls.

Honey, I'm not in Campfire Girls.

I'm a Brownie.

It was Jennifer's graduation.

Oh, man, I forgot!

- I phoned and reminded you.
- I know.

I know. I'm sorry.

I totally forgot. My fault.
Was she upset?

'Course. Every other father was there.

Including the divorced ones.

- What about the lesbian moms?
- Both of them.

All right, where is she now?

She's in the den, drinking.

Funny.

She's asleep.
Where were you? You said you would come.

I had to work late, babe.

I had to work late.
King fired Richie DeGrazzi.

You're kidding. Why?

'Cause he does bad work.

I will say this for him,
though. He does it really slowly.

So who'd he get to replace him?

I'll give you a hint.
You sleep with him.

The video store guy.

Yeah. Video store guy.

I knew you were dating,
I just wasn't sure

if you were sleeping with him or not.

God, honey, that's great.
So, it's like a promotion.

Yeah, yeah.

It's not great?

Well, guess who's gonna do
all the work that I was doing?

You're gonna do all those jobs?

Are they gonna give you more money?

Ah, I think it's more
of a prestige thing, hon.

Uh, yeah, that's probably it.

They'll probably give me a plaque

or a certificate or something
for being so great.

Oh, God.

No, this is ridiculous.

I mean, we hardly ever see you now.

Can you just tell them
you don't want to do it?

Yeah. Sure, I can say no.

If you want to start
catching your own food.

Don't worry, babe. I can handle it.

It'll be okay.
I'll go check on the water heater.

Jennifer Kinney.

I desire to seek the way

that you'll become a delight
to my heart,

for it'll bring me
to the fire of human kindness,

lighted by those who have gone before me
on the Campfire Trail.

Congratulations.

That's so great. Uh-huh.

Oh, gosh, you know, I don't know.

I'm gonna have to think about that.

Well, you know,
I really appreciate it.

Hey.

Thanks. Thank you.

Okay. Well, you know, I'll call you.
Thanks. All right. Bye.

- How you doing?
- Hey. You hungry?

No. I'm too tired to eat.

I'm just gonna have some cereal.

So, who was that?

Valerie.

Valerie! Hey!

Who helped her dial the phone?

Don't start. The company
just made her regional manager.

- No kidding.
- You know, it is so weird.

When I quit work to have Zack,
I mean, I was way ahead of her.

They thought much
more of me than they did of Valerie.

She just called you up
to tell you how great she's doing?

Well, no. She offered me her old job,
now that she's been promoted.

So, uh...

You thinking about
going back to work selling real estate?

Well, yeah. What do you think?

What do I think?

You know, let's see.
First couple of months,

you'll be making practically nothing,
right?

'Cause, you know, it's hard.

Then, uh, you know, we're paying out
more money for child care.

You're working, I'm working,
you know... I don't know.

Next thing you know,
we're both not going to Campfire Girls.

Well, I was thinking if you could just
help out a little more with the kids.

How, when? How am I going
to work that out?

I just meant, you know, in emergencies.

What? A real estate emergency?

Hon...

My whole...
My whole life's an emergency.

I'm not going back to work, am I?

We always said I would someday,
but now I realize I never will.

I...

Take my job, okay? You go build condos.

Make sure you're there at 6:00
in the morning, by the way.

Okay?

Call an exorcist.

I don't know where it came from.
I'm really sorry.

Laura, look. I'm really sorry.

I'm sorry.

Hey, this is stupid.
Look, here's all we need.

We just need to get
a schedule. We'll be okay.

We don't need a schedule.
We need a miracle.

See, once we get all this duct work in,
this should just fly.

I can't be two places at once.
You gotta cover me.

Okay.

Hey, is somebody paying you guys
to watch her ass?

'cause you're doing an excellent job.

Come on, guys. Help me out here.

Hey, Doug. We got a problem
down here in the basement.

Oh, no!

Oh, I don't believe this.

Have a seat.

Damn!

Get out of the way. Move, move,
move, move! Man, what is this?

Fine, knock yourself out.

Shit!

That's it!

Hey, look, I'm sorry. I lost it.

I just went crazy. We'll get your water
turned back on right away.

Jeez, this thing goes off
every five minutes.

Tough business, isn't it?

I don't know. What do you do?

No, not mine. Yours.

Oh, construction? Yeah, really tough.

What do you do to relax?

Well, play golf.

- Ah, that's a great game.
- Yeah.

- How often do you get out?
- Well, let's see...

Uh... Never. Yeah, never.

I'm gonna have to cut back though,
and that's really gonna hurt.

You don't have
to live this way, you know?

Well, with all due respect,
I forgot to go to medical school.

I can help you.

Help me how?

Change your life.

What is it that you guys do around here?

We make miracles.

Sure.

Call me.

I feel guilty because
I don't spend enough

time with my wife and my kids.

And then I...
I get resentful about it

because I feel like I should

you know, maybe
get a little time for myself.

It's like work is first
and my family is a close second

and I'm a... I'm a distant third
bringing up the rear, you know.

I don't know. Is that crazy?

I don't know. I'm not a psychiatrist.

Anyway, you don't need one.

These problems are not in your mind.
They're real.

They require real solutions.

Well, then...

What do you do?

I told you. I make miracles.

I create time.

I make clones.

Okay, uh...

Doug. Sit down.

I'm a geneticist. Fifteen years ago,
I started cloning viruses.

Can't have too many viruses.

And then, ten years ago,
I cloned an earthworm.

God bless you, sir.

And then a chimp.

Yeah.

And then last year...

Well...

Last year...

Hi, there.

- Ah. Just in time.
- Oh, hello.

This is Doug Kinney.
He's doing our new offices.

Oh, sure. I know Doug.

- He and I went over the plans one day.
- Oh?

- Yeah. You were sailing.
- Ah.

Wait a minute.
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

You understand what I'm suggesting?

Yeah, sure.

What's not to understand?
You, uh... You Xerox people.

- In a way.
- Sort of.

The procedure takes about two hours.

- I don't know about that.
- It takes more or less two hours.

Then at the end, you have
everything you need.

What is it that, uh, you know,
that... That I need?

Time.

- Time.
- Time!

All you need. For everything.

- Let's say I was interested, you know...
- What would a, uh...

You know...

Nothing fancy,
just a basic... Just, you know...

Just a basic, uh...
You know, clone job cost?

- Doctor, we're ready for you.
- Very good. Very good.

Hey, Doc.

I hate to sound like a baby,
but just promise me

everything's gonna be all right.

Doug, you're going to be fine.
There's nothing to worry about.

Thanks, thanks. I'm not gonna
turn out to like these guys, am I?

- I hope not.
- Okay.

- Watch your head.
- Oh, God...

That's right. Just lie back
and put your feet in the stirrups.

Sorry, but did you see that movie,
The Fly?

- Mmm-hmm.
- Remember, Jeff Goldblum comes out

and he's got these enormous eyes.
You know, I mean...

Peripheral vision is one thing,
but, you know, this is a bad look.

And he's always eating everything
with these little hands and everything.

- Relax now. Take it easy.
- All right. I'm sorry.

- Okay.
- That's right.

Yeah, well... Ow!
What the hell is that thing?

This is just going to help you relax.

Well... So far it isn't working.

I'm sorry. My uncle went in
for routine dental work,

and he came out, he was never the same.

I don't know if he got that...
You know, that suction thing

actually lodged in his throat or what

but after that he was always...

"Hey, Doug... What's wrong?"
He, like, something...

Count backwards from 100.

Sure. Like that's gonna work.

One hundred...

Am I all right?

You're fine.

Hey. Well?

I mean...
Is it... Did it...

Is it a boy? Did it work?

Is that it?

No. I'm afraid you're it.

What do you mean I'm it? I can't be it.

- You mean, you think I'm the clone?
- That's right.

I can't be the clone.
I'm me. He's gotta be the clone.

No, no. See, I'm... I'm me.

I'm me. Help me out here.
I am me, right?

Look here.

- Sit up.
- I gotta be me.

Hold this.

Atta boy. Now, look here.

You see that?

- I see a "2."
- Mmm-hmm.

There you go.

Wait a minute.
I remember everything.

I remember coming in here.
I remember putting this thing on.

- I remember getting the shot.
- Of course.

You have all of Doug's feelings,
all his quirks,

all of his memories
right up to the moment of cloning.

But from now on,

to whatever you extent
you have different experiences,

then you'll begin to diverge.

What, uh...
What do I feed it?

Feed it? What am I? A hamster?

Sorry, sorry.
Bad choice of words. I didn't mean that.

You know, I mean, it eats something.

He's a person, just like you.

Now, we'll provide him
with duplicate identification

some clothes to wear home.

- You take care of the rest.
- Yeah.

Now I'm going to leave you two alone.
You'll have a lot to talk about.

I'll be in my office.

Astonishing.

- What?
- Nothing. Nothing.

So, uh... Where are you from?

All right. Stay down low.
Really low. Really low.

Lower than this?
You want me to get under the car?

Good, good, good. Laura's not home.

Okay.

The Mildew Suite.

Don't worry. We're gonna fix it all up.

I'm really going to be
living up here, huh?

Well...

I mean, you can't live
in the house with me and Laura.

I mean, how would that work?

You know, Laura wakes up
in the morning, rolls over, and says,

"Doug, Doug, you two better get off
to work 'cause y'all are gonna be late."

You know what I mean?
I mean...

Hey, don't worry about it.

I'm telling you.
We'll clean some stuff out of here,

we'll put some rugs down,
get a TV, get a stereo.

- It could be a cool place.
- Hey, you know what we gotta get?

We ought to get
one of those satellite dishes.

You know? Get every sport going,
get all the movies...

I don't know about that...

What is that?

I don't know if Laura's
gonna go for that.

Oh, man. I knew it. You're whipped.

Who said I'm whipped? I'm not whipped.

- Yeah, yeah, you're whipped, partner.
- I'm not whipped!

- You're...
- Fine, I'm whipped.

Hey... Hey, some guys are whipped.
It's okay.

No, you're right.
That's right. That's right.

Anyway, look,
we've got to get a plan together.

Hey, look at this.

Think fast. You could wear these
till you get some of your own.

Hey, don't make me...

I don't want to come over there
and kick your ass, okay?

Come on. Come on. Get ready.

Hey, I don't want...
Hold on, hold on, hold on.

Look at this. I wondered where this is.

This is a great coat.
I love this old coat.

Okay, now to be safe,
always use the garden gate

when you come in and out of the alley.

We should probably
black out these windows too.

Huh? Yeah. Good idea. Good idea.
What else?

We're gonna have to come up
with a strategy for work.

- All right, good.
- That's very important.

Between the two of us,
we're going to get a lot of stuff done.

- We're going to kick some ass.
- We're going to be awesome.

- And Ted...
- We're going to destroy Ted.

- We'll ruin him.
- We must bring Ted down.

- Yes.
- We must crush Ted.

And I'll break his neck.
Now chest me. Come on.

Oh, yeah!

Laura's home.

- Hey, Laura.
- Hey, honey.

- Hi, babe.
- Hey.

- Hey, Dad.
- Zack, help me.

- Daddy!
- Hey, you.

What are you doing up there?

Oh. I was just looking around
for some old stuff.

- Hey, Dad.
- Hey, buddy.

Wow!

You look really beautiful today.

- I do?
- Yeah.

Hey, you guys
want to go to the pony rides later?

- Yeah!
- All right.

Hey, maybe we'll go to
the movies tonight.

Okay!

- We could car pool, if you want.
- No.

I could pick you up.

- Morning.
- Doug! When did you get here?

6:00. Make copies of those,
would you? Half day today, Teddy?

It's not a half day...

Hey, let's have that
meeting now, Del, what do you say?

Sure.

Look. These are the status reports
on the Palisades.

Dates, projections, everything.

When did you have time to do all this?

I suggest we all do 'em every morning.

- You all right? You look a little tired.
- No, I'm fine.

Y'all, two minutes. Conference room.
How about it?

Sure.
Find out what he had for breakfast.

I'd be happy to.

Morning, pretty. Meeting start yet?

I thought you were
already in the meeting.

How could I already be...

Did you see me in the meeting?

I thought I did,
but you were wearing a different shirt.

Yeah, I was. I was.

I was wearing a different shirt.
You know why?

I spilled coffee on it.

So then I, uh, decided I'd go back
to the truck while you were, uh...

In the ladies room?

Perfect, and, uh, I figured I would, uh,
you know, get another shirt,

which I keep for emergencies.

You know.
You never know what's gonna happen...

I might, uh, well, spill coffee on it,
you know, like I did,

so good thing I got the shirt.

And also I got my briefcase
which I needed for the meeting.

And then I came back,
and I forgot the meeting had started.

I forgot the meeting had started, yes.

So, shouldn't you go back in?

Yeah, I should. I'm going to.

But, see, I gotta go
out to the truck, now.

And I gotta get the original shirt,
which is, you know, probably dry now.

And also, truthfully, I like it better.

So the next time you see me,
I'll be coming out of the meeting.

Right through the front,
in the original shirt.

Are you okay?

No problem.
Never been better. Just great.

Just great. Why don't you just...

Just between you and me,
forget it ever happened, okay?

Good morning,
Del King Construction.

Uh, yeah, is Doug Kinney there?

I think he's in a meeting.
May I ask who's calling?

Uh, it's, uh... Uh, Carl.

- Who?
- Roger.

Roger who?

Uh, Carl Rogerson.
Tell him Carl Rogerson's calling.

- Phone call for you, Doug.
- Thanks.

Yeah, Kinney.

Hey, what's going on?

- Who the hell is this?
- It's me. It's... You know,

It's you. It's us. You know who it is.

- Uh, yeah, yeah.
- Hold on a second.

I'm gonna take this in my office.

Oh, man, I'm too busy to talk to myself.

- What's up?
- What's up? What are you doing there?

What do you mean? Where should I be?

Well, I mean, you know,
you kind of just went to work?

I came looking for you
and you were gone already.

Yeah, well,
I thought that was the whole idea.

I thought I'd come to work
so you can spend more time at home.

Yeah, no, it is.

I mean, that's the idea. But, you know,
we got to discuss these things.

We gotta kinda coordinate some stuff.
You know what I mean?

Anyway, how's it going?

Good. Good. Everything's under control.

Really? Good.

Hey, look. I'll go out to the Palisades.

I gotta wrap up some stuff here
and I gotta go, okay?

Okay, then I'm gonna go by Sherman Oaks
and check on that.

Already took care of it, pal.
Everything's fine.

Oh, okay.
I'll go to North Hollywood then.

No, I'm gonna go by there
on my way out to the Palisades.

- Reseda?
- Already did it.

Wow. Okay.

Uh... I'll tell you what then... Um...

What should I do?

Hey, I don't know, partner.

Start living it up, I guess.

Have a good time. I gotta go. See you.

Hey, Kinney! Kinney!

I know you think you're hot shit.

But you're not fooling anybody
with this new go-go attitude.

You read me?

Got it.

I'm on top of you. I see you, my friend.

All right.

Hey!

Take this one.

Holy shit!

Hey! Ocupado! Ocupado!

Oh, my God!

I got it! I got it!
I got it! I got it!

What are you doing?
Pick it up! Don't kick it.

It's not soccer.
Fall on it! Fall on the ball!

Defense, let's go.
Come on. Let's hustle. Let's go.

- Zack!
- Hustle!

- Dad!
- Hustle!

I thought you couldn't come.
Mom said you had to work.

Well, you're playing, I'm coming.
That's it.

- Hey, you look good out there.
- Thanks.

All right. Go sit with your team.

- Jack, Jack. All I'm saying is...
- Wait for your turn.

All I'm saying is I paid 160 bucks,

I don't want to sit
and watch my kid eat oranges.

He played four downs.
That's all I have to play him. Period.

- Four down?
- Yeah, that's all I have to play him.

He's better than that!

Let go of this. Let go of the whistle!

I'm a lawyer, not just a coach.

- Who are your clients?
- I'll kick your ass over this.

Oh, that's it. Get him away from me.

Don't touch me.
Don't even get near touching me.

Back off! I've had it!

God, I don't need this.

You don't need it.
Don't pay attention to those guys.

God. I'm out here
doing the best I can do.

Absolutely.
That's all you can ask out of a guy.

It's not like I'm getting paid
or anything like that.

Then you have money for the whole fun...

You could be out
playing golf or something.

I love golf.

You know, the thing is

I don't think these people
know what they're talking about.

Well, you're the first guy who gets it.

Well, I want you to know
I appreciate what you do.

- You're doing a hell of a job.
- Well, thank you.

- Can I mention one thing?
- Yeah.

I think you wanna think about maybe
a multiple set, pro-style offense.

- Multiple set.
- Yeah.

I got four kids out here who couldn't
identify their parents in a lineup.

I understand that.
That's why I think if you put Zack in...

- Zack? Who's Zack? Who's Zack?
- Well, Zack's my kid.

Oh, Zack's your kid. Okay. All right.
That's it! I've had it.

- Here you go, Lombardi.
- Whoa. Hold on. Wait.

You turn this franchise around.
See you in the Super Bowl.

Phew.

You get changed.
I'll get dinner right away.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- What are you doing?
- Hi, Daddy.

- Dad's cooking dinner.
- Spaghetti?

Yeah, spaghetti. Just like the old days.

Dad's the new football coach.
He's great. We scored!

Really?

We've got a good team.
We're gonna be all right.

Hey, Zack.
You and your sister go upstairs

and get washed up for dinner, all right?

- Okay.
- Come on, come on. Let's go.

Yeah. Thanks. Good, good. Got going.

- Thanks for coaching, Dad.
- You got it, man.

So, how did you manage all this?
I thought you had a lot of extra work.

Not anymore.

Did you get fired?

No, no, no, no. Uh-uh.

I just got really tired

of carrying that heavy load
around all the time, you know.

So I just walked
right into King's office and I said,

"Hey, look. You either get me some help
or I'm walking." You know?

- Take a taste.
- Mmm-mmm-mmm. What did he say?

What do you think he said?

I thought the guy was going to cry,
really, it was pitiful.

So anyway, he agreed to give me
somebody to help out, you know.

That's that.
The guy's like an assistant.

I'm glad. Who?

- Huh?
- Who?

Who? You mean, like, who's the guy?
Oh, he's just a, you know, a guy.

A new guy. A new guy you don't know.
Very new guy.

Really new guy you don't know.

- So, what you're saying is, he's new?
- Yeah.

But he's going
to run everything for me, so...

- And you trust him?
- Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I trust him. I trust him
like I trust myself, really.

Wow, that's great.
So what are you gonna do now?

Now? I don't know.

Right now I thought I might, uh...
I might do this.

I want you to take that new job.

- My job?
- Your job.

- Really? You mean it?
- Absolutely. Yep.

Yes! Yes!

That's great. That's great.
All right. All right.

You know what? Valerie said,

that I can come in
after I drop the kids off at school,

and I can leave by 3:00.

So if you could just
back me up occasionally.

- No problem.
- Oh...

Doug, let's get
the kids to bed early tonight.

- What time is it now?
- Uh, 6:15.

Kids, bedtime!

Hey, Doug. Lookin' smug.

Hey, Vic. What time is it?

Time? It's, uh... 5:30 in New York.

That would make it 2:30 here.

Why is your watch on New York time?

Funny story.

I bought it in New York and just

could not figure out
how to reset the darn thing.

What time you said you'd be here?

Okay, I'm not sure we really agreed
on a specific time.

Yeah, we were. We were real specific.

1:30. In fact, I repeated it twice.

Doug, what do you want,
solid or laminate?

Laminate.

You know, that is strange,

'cause for some reason,
2:30 just stuck in my head.

I'll like to stick something else
in your head.

- You're fired.
- Huh?

You're fired.

Take your New York watch and your fat
L.A. ass and get out of here.

I'm getting somebody else.

For being a few minutes late?

Well, no, no, no. That's not a few.
Three, four. That's a few.

You were 60 minutes late.
Sixty minutes late.

That's not a few. Hit it.

Is this some kind of
a negotiating tactic?

- Let's go.
- All right.

All right. I'm on my way.

Okay. Take your hands off me, now.

Now you're getting me mad.
You've made a point. It's registered.

You understand... What's happening now?

Are you guys on some
kind of a break? Let's go!

- Jeez. What got into you today?
- Nothing.

You know how long
I've wanted to fire Vic?

I've just always been
too much of a wimp to do it.

Yeah, but he has got, like,
34 kids, man.

That's 'cause he's been married,
like, 17 times.

No dead weight on this job.
What have you got there?

All right. Thought you might want
to take a look at these plans

before we start working on the back.

Hold on a second.

- Yeah?
- Hi, honey, it's me.

- Yeah.
- Well, I need to work a little later.

I hate to ask you, honey.
But could you pick up the kids?

- Yeah, sure. Bye.
- Wait, it's not that simple.

Jennifer has picture day
at ballet class.

Oh, really. So that'll be really cute.

You have to bring her home,
give her a bath,

mousse her hair, she'll show you how.

Put her in the outfit
I picked out and get her there by 4:30.

Can you do this?

Huh? Yeah. Yeah, I can do it.
I'll see you.

Okay. Bye.

Damn.

Hello?

Hey, you gotta pick up
the kids and wash their hair

and take them to the dance,
and get a picture of 'em.

Whoa. Whoa. Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

I was...
I was just teeing off here.

Not today, pal. See you later.

Oh, man.

I don't want a shower.
I want a bath.

- You don't have time for a bath.
- I hate showers! I hate showers!

Zack, get her on that side.
Contain, Zack. Contain!

- Here. You're going.
- I'm not going.

- You're going.
- I'm not going.

- Zack, you're going. Let's go.
- I'm not going.

All right. Let me see. Turn around.

Good. I like it. All right, let's go.

Zack!

Plie, and out.

Down, and out.

Hi. Sorry we're late.
We're here for the, uh, pictures.

Didn't anyone call you?
The pictures were changed to tomorrow.

No, seriously.
We're here for the pictures.

That would be tomorrow.

Get a photographer down here now.

Right now.

Okay. I'll see what I can do.

Okay.

Hello? Uh-huh.

She's not... She's not here right now.

Can you... Shh.

Uh... You wanna leave a message?

Yeah. Okay.
You know what? Hold on a second.

Wait. Wait. Can you call back?
I have a little emergency here. Hey!

One of the kids swallowed a spoon.

No, one of those little teaspoons.
She'll be all right. Yeah. Thanks.

Okay. Great.

Jennifer, keep it down, hon!

He took it.

- Ha-ha!
- Zack, give it back to her.

I'm telling you, Zack,
give it back to her.

Doodyhead!

You're a doodyhead.

- Doodyhead!
- Doodyhead!

Doodyhead! Doodyhead!

Hey, hey, hey! You're both doodyheads.

Get up there. It's bath time.

Go on up and don't come
out till you're married.

Could we have some cake?

Get up there.

- Hi.
- Oh, hey.

Oh, I'm sorry I'm late.
You know, there's this one couple

that can only meet me at 5:00

and they keep wanting
to see the same house over and over.

That's all right. You look great.

We're both here.

Yes. Of course, sir. Right this way.

This is fun meeting like this.
It's like having an affair.

I don't even have time
to have an affair.

I think he likes you.

Yeah, well, I'm fond of him too,
but there's no future in it.

Besides, I have you.

Okay. What are we celebrating?

Well, you know.
I've been thinking, hon, uh...

- Laura, this just isn't working out.
- What?

This new arrangement, you know.
I'm not getting anything done.

I'm not getting any work done.

And all I do is, you know,
I cook and I do laundry.

I pick up the kids
and drop off the kids,

I dress the kids and undress the kids
and I clean up after them.

I've done that for ten years.
You've been doing it for a month.

Yeah, I know, but, you know...
It comes more naturally to you.

How so?

Hon, you're a nurturer, you know?

You are. And first of all,

you got the two X-chromosomes,
and I have a couple...

I don't know what I have,
but it's scientifically proven.

Honey, that's why you have breasts.
I don't. Look at me.

- I got nothing.
- Just what are you saying?

Laura. This whole system isn't working.

It's just not working.
It's a dismal failure.

We have to go back to the way it worked.

You stay and take care of the house,
which you do really well,

and I... I have to do what I need to do.

Oh. And what do you need to do?

Laura, I have to go back to work.
And that's it.

No, actually that's not it.

I love my job,
and so far I'm doing great at it.

In fact, Valerie said if I keep it up,
she's gonna move me into estates.

So very soon, I could be
making a very good living.

Now, now, I know this is hard for you,

and I can imagine the kind of day
that you've had, but I am not quitting.

So, we're just gonna have
to work all this out. And that is it.

It's really funny you think that's it.

That's really...
It's so funny you think that's it.

Because that's not it.

The thing I said... That's it.

This thing that you just said... Not it.

No, Doug. This is it.

I can't believe
you lured me here for this.

I didn't lure you!

This is the lowest thing
you have ever done.

Excuse me,
can I have some water over here?

I didn't lure you into anything.

Thanks.

Gosh, I had no idea.
I mean you tease me sometimes

and, you know, I kind of liked it...

But I always assumed
you were a happily married guy.

I've been sleeping in
the guest house for a month.

Oh, my God. Is it that bad?

It's pretty bad.

She's sleeping with another guy.

And that is...
That is the God's honest truth.

It's over. I mean...

She doesn't even know I exist.

- Oh, it must be so hard for you.
- It is.

- Do you want to come back to my place?
- Yeah.

Laura, I'm just trying...

Doug, are you all right?

What's wrong? Are you all right?

Yeah. Yeah. Damn knee.

- It's an old football injury. Rose Bowl.
- Oh, you played?

No, I fell out of the bleachers.

- Is everything all right, sir?
- Yeah. Yeah, I'm good.

- Do you want me to help you to the car?
- No, sit down.

- Oh, boy, let's get some dessert, huh?
- You're still hungry?

Noreen, my life's in shambles.
I need pie.

Can you breathe? Should I Heimlich you?

- I'm fine.
- Okay. I'll get you some more water.

- No! Laura!
- What!

- Look at me.
- Okay.

- How do I look?
- Crazy.

See?

Let's order.
Let's order. Let's just order.

Let's get something to eat.
We'll feel better.

- Excuse me.
- Where are you going?

- Ladies' room.
- Well...

- I'll join you.
- What?

I'll join you in the men's room.

I mean, I'll take you...
I'll accompany you to...

Forget it. You know what I mean.

Boy, this looks so good.
Everything on here looks so good.

Doug, that's the wine list.

Oh.

Yeah. I thought, you know...
Geez, there's a...

Hell of a lot of beverages on there.

Would you order for me?
You know what I like. Just...

Anything with barbecue sauce.

What the hell are you doing here?

What are you talking about,
what the hell am I doing here?

I come here all the time.
It's my favorite restaurant.

- I get a steak and...
- I know that.

It was my favorite restaurant first.

What are you doing with Noreen?

She's a colleague, you know.

Business meeting.
That's all. Just talking.

Oh, don't give me... Don't give me that.
You're up to something.

What are you talking about I'm up...
What are you jealous?

Look, you can't cheat on Laura.

You can't cheat on Laura.
I never even get to see Laura.

Hey, look. This isn't working out.

What are you talking about?

- Well, this whole deal.
- We'll switch.

I'll go back to work,
and you'll help out around the house.

That's better. That's a better system.
I think we ought to do that.

Yeah, right.
I'm gonna hang around and do housework?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I thought you were joking.

There's ain't no way in hell
that's ever going to happen.

It's not only that. You have no idea
what I've been doing down there

for the past four weeks. You'd be lost.

I'd be... Hey, I got you the job, pal!

Hey. What do you think? I'm a genie?

You think you rub
a little lamp and I just pop out

and do what you want me to do?

I got things I need to do too.

You know what I'm saying?
You chose the arrangement. I didn't.

Look, you know,
things change.

You took away my wife,
my family. I got no friends.

I'm out there alone in a garage.

I got nothing but my job.

Okay, okay. I did it.

All right? And now I'm doing the work
you couldn't do.

And I'm finally making it pay,
so get off my back.

Down.

What?

Never see a guy wash
another guy's face before?

Yes, of course.
Please, carry on.

There you go.
That's it.

What the hell are you doing?

Shh. A guy came in.
I had to do something. Look.

I didn't know you felt that way.
We'll work all this out later.

In the meantime, I'm gonna go out.
I'm gonna distract Laura.

You grab Noreen and get her out of here.

This guy's in way over his head.

Doug, I'm ready for dessert.

Oh, good. Good.

That's not your sport coat, is it?

Yeah. No, no, no, no.
I switched with a guy.

I switched with a guy
in the men's room.

He liked...
We just traded.

Guys will do that
in the men's room all the time.

It's a guy kind of thing.

It's not unusual, let's get out of here.

- I thought you wanted pie.
- No, the pie here sucks. Let's go.

Oh, my God. It's your wife!

Hi. May we join you?

- Have we met?
- No.

- What happened to your shirt?
- Huh?

Oh, uh, water spots.

I'll say.

Doug, I don't want to fight about this.

Great. Great. About what?

My job.

Oh, yeah. Hell, no, honey.

Hell, no. We don't want
to fight about that. That'd be dumb.

That'd just be dumb.

Laura, do you love me?

Of course, I love you.

Then kiss me.

Come on. Let's go.

Hey!

Sorry.

Hey, that guy kinda looks a lot...

Doug! What are you doing?

Doug! What the hell?
Will you stop it?

Stop!

Oh!

I'm sorry... He's kissing her!

Come on. Come on.

You stop pushing!

Hit him, hit him, hit him!

Good shot.

Hi. Hey, uh...
Can I talk to you for a second?

Sure. You want a beer?

Sure.

Thanks.

Actually, uh, I could use a couple.

Sure, come on in.

Uh...

Two, I'd like you to meet...

Three.

Hi, how are you?

Hey, how are you?

Are you nuts? Oh, man.
Are you mentally nuts?

No, no, no. Look, look, look.
I have the whole thing figured out.

Aw, man. What do we need him for?

Well, he's going to help me
with the kids,

and he's going to help me
around the house.

And I figured when you
weren't busy with work or whatever

you guys can hang out together.

What do you think? I think it'd be fun.

- Don't you think?
- Oh, yeah. Yeah.

I'm... I'm giddy!

I mean, I... There's a lot of stuff
we could do together.

You said you were lonely.
I got you a friend. I got you a buddy.

Where is he going to stay?

He's gonna live right here with you.

That way you have
a friend and you got a roommate.

Friend and a roommate.
One shot. There he is. Look at him.

Hi, roomie.

Hey, I got an idea. How about no?

Doug, he needs space.

I'm going to step outside.
And you two...

It's a shock. I think.

The idea was for you to work
so I could spend more quality time

with Laura and the kids, right?

Well, so far,
it's been low quality time.

Look, I... I just need to get
a break, so I can work on the house,

for one thing, or maybe sit down
and think a single thought in quiet.

Or maybe even go out and play golf
every once in a while, you know?

Hey, I've been working since I was
12 years old. It's break time.

It is.

And, Doug, I think
it's that 12-year-old that's saying,

"Doug, how about a visit?

"You need time for Doug."

- What a suck!
- No, I'm not being a suck...

- I don't know what a suck is.
- Well, let me explain it to you.

- Please, please.
- Come on. Come on.

Come on. For Doug.

- Fine.
- There you go.

Screw your life up. Go ahead.
I don't care.

- Thank you. Thank you.
- Good for you.

You're in way over your head, pal.

Hey, you know,
you are two good-looking guys.

Hey, look, I'm gonna
make this up to you. I promise.

- You could start by cloning Laura.
- Yeah.

Yeah, you could start
by cloning Laura... Can you imagine?

Bye, Doug. Have a good time.

I am worried about him.
He is... Uptight. Don't you think?

Ah, he'll be all right.

Wow, that's a lot of ribs.
What is that? Like a slab or something?

Ahhh!

Okay kids, hurry up. We gotta get going.
We're going to be late.

- Books, jackets.
- I need to get my project.

- Done.
- Wait a second. I'll get the dishes.

And I'll drive the kids to school.

You take a couple extra
minutes for yourself.

Thanks.

- That's all right.
- Mmm-hmm.

Laura, look.
The other night at the restaurant...

When I said I wanted you
to quit your job...

Forget that whole thing.

Okay? You have as much right
to work as I do.

- You mean it?
- I mean it, okay?

I just want you to be happy.

When you come home tonight,
I'm gonna give you a foot rub.

- Thanks.
- You bet.

Round.

Really perfectly round.

Hello?

Hey. How's it going?

Oh, hi, Doug. Fine. Everything's okay.
Making bread. Where are you?

- At the Laker game.
- Good idea. Good for you, Doug.

Yeah. Hey, look, sorry.
I really meant to be home a lot sooner,

but I just had this tremendous
urge to stop at the game.

Sure, sure. Good idea.
Have yourself a good time, Doug.

Sorry, look, it won't happen again.

How's everything going?
You all right? Did you hear from Two?

I think Two's still at work.

The guy's a horse. This is great.

All right, look, I'll promise you

I'll be home as soon as I can,
all right?

All right. Bye. See you.

What happened?

Nothing. It's okay.
I just had a terrible dream.

- What was it?
- Oh. What was what?

- Your dream.
- I don't know.

I was sleeping. Go back to sleep, honey.
Everything will be okay. It'll be fine.

Don't worry.

Okay, all right. Don't push me.

All right. What was that all about?

- What?
- What?

Up there, in the house with Laura?
What's going on?

Hey. Who won the game?

Don't give me, "Who won the game?"
Don't worry about who won the game.

Lakers won the game.

Van Exel hit a three-pointer.

What were you doing in bed with Laura?

- What?
- Nothing.

Doug. We were watching TV.

And Laura said she was sleepy
and wanted to go to bed.

- Uh-huh.
- So, what was I gonna say?

I'm gonna go over
and sleep in the garage?

Whoa, whoa, wait. Wait a minute.
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

What do you mean,
"She wanted to go to bed?"

- What do you mean?
- What do you mean, what do I mean?

- I just...
- You know what I mean.

What do you mean?

- Did you have sex with my wife?
- No!

No, Douglas! No. I certainly did not.

Look, here was the plan

I thought, well,
we'll go to bed together,

which we did,
and when she'd fall asleep,

I'd sneak out. But I guess I dozed off.
And nothing happened.

- Nothing happened.
- That's it!

She did, I think,

roll over and kind of brushed me
in that general region.

Brushed you?

I mamboed out of there, Doug. I did.

What do you mean brushed you
in the general region?

She shouldn't even be
in the neighborhood!

Doug, he mamboed out.
Right out of the region.

Geez. All right.

All right.

- Listen to me. Both of you.
- Okay. Okay.

Listen to me.
This is the number one rule. Okay?

This is unbreakable.

You can't even try to
bend this rule, all right?

Nobody. Nobody has sex
with my wife but me.

- Hey, talk to him.
- Fabulous rule, Doug. Fabulous rule.

Nobody. No clone nookie.

- You're the man, Doug.
- Great idea.

Original nookie only. Got it?

- Your department.
- We're clear on that rule, right?

- Yes, sir. Yes, you are.
- Absolutely.

- Yes, you are.
- Gotcha. Loud and clear.

It's locked in here.

So, did you?

No!

Wimp.

Slob.

The mambo king.

Watch the stern there!
Watch the stern.

Hey. Number eight,
That's a boat, not a bathtub.

Hey, hey, whoa! Jesus!

Well, did you enjoy sailing?

Yeah, well.
It wasn't really like sailing.

It was more like
bumper cars or something.

Say, how about an
"I sailed with Walt" T-shirt, huh?

No, thanks.

You don't happen to have any of those,

"I got a refund from
Walt" T-shirts, do you?

No, sorry.

Yeah, I didn't think so.

Hey, I'd really like
to learn how to sail.

Do you have anything big enough

to take my whole family out
and not end up like Gilligan?

I love that show.

Remember the one where they got
stranded with the Harlem Globetrotters?

Yeah.

Yeah. That was a good one.

And... And believable too.

This is how we do it

This is how we do it

La ra ra ra ra ra

This is how we do it

This is how we do it

This is how we do it

This is how we do it

It's Friday night

And I feel all right

The party is here on the West side

I'm kinda buzzed and it's all because

This is how we do it

South Central does it

Like nobody does

This is how we do it

To all my neighbors you got much flavor

This is how we do it

Let's flip the track

Ow! Holy moly!

This is how we do it

If you were from

Where I'm from then you would know

- That I gotta get mine
- Hi.

In a big black truck

You can get yours in a '64

Whatever it is,

The party's underway

So tip up your cup
and throw your hands up

And let me hear the party say

I'm kinda buzzed and it's all because

This is how we do it

South Central does it like nobody does

What the hell are you doing?

Jeez, Louise.

How many of you are there?

That's... Hi, Doug.

Doug. That's our brother, Doug.

And that is Patti and Beth,

and these are two girls, Patti and Beth.

And that's Doug.
Hi, Doug. We were just dancing.

Ooh.

One's cuter than the next.

Are you as much fun as Lance and Rico?

Lance and Ri...

You're...

You're, uh...
You're Rico, I'm guessing.

- Guess again, pal.
- Oh.

Even he can't tell them apart.

Look, uh, girls,

can, uh, we have some privacy?

We have to have a family meeting, okay?

Wait...

I thought we were gonna have a party.

- Wait a minute.
- Yeah. You're kidding, right?

No. No, I'm serious.
Maybe some other time.

- Nice buzz kill.
- My God.

- Are you a drag or what?
- Well, I don't know.

But, look, hey, try to keep your
voices down when you go out there,

all right, please?

- It's important. Thank you.
- Yeah, sure.

Goodnight, Lance! Goodnight, Rico!

Nice.

Thanks. What?

The adventures of Lance and Rico.

So, uh, Lance, where did you
meet those bimbs, anyway?

They're the microwave
girls down at the AMPM Minimart.

Yeah, they work down
at the store. They're clerks.

Well...

Slurpee girls were busy, I guess.

Look, I stopped down
to pick up my dinner.

Like I always do.

She offered to, uh,

you know, nuke my corn dog.

What am I gonna say, no?

So, we came back here
and had ourselves a party.

Doug, they actually happened
to be two very nice young women.

Yeah, "women" being
the key word here, Dougie.

Yeah, right.

Look, you can't just go out

and meet some strangers
and bring them up here.

Hey, what are we supposed to live like?
A couple of monks?

He makes a very good point, Doug.

Yeah.

A damn good point.

What are you doing?

What do you mean, what am I doing?

I'm splitting atoms.

I'm having a smoke. What's it look like?

Yeah, I can see you're having a smoke
but what the hell for?

- What's it to you?
- What's it to me?

I spent $1,000 to quit. Remember?

That's what it is.

Looks like it didn't take.

Don't ever blow smoke in my face again.

What are you gonna do about it?

What am I gonna do about it?

I'll hit you so hard, I'll kill him.

Guys, guys, come on. Come on, guys.
We gotta sit down

and have a rap session or something.

Because you're both feeling
a lot of anger here...

I'm just afraid, you know,
you're like two lions or something.

- Shut up.
- Shut up.

I'm sorry.

Oh, man. Where's your aspirin?

Tylenol, Doug.
It's less abrasive on the stomach.

It's in the kitchen,
above the cabinet...

Yeah. Yeah, I'll find it.

Guys, look at this place.
Look at this place. It's a mess.

I can't leave you alone for a minute.

One, two, three, four.

Doug, if I might...

No, wait.

One, two, three...

Uh-huh.

Four...

Twelve!

Seven.

Doug, I'd like you to meet Four.

I got a wallet. That guy gave it to me.

I'm gonna drive a car.

He's got a wallet.

Come here. Come here.

Come here. Come here.
Come here. Come here.

Where did he come from?

He's gonna help us out around here
a little bit. Just, you know...

Yeah, do the day-to-day stuff.
Clean the house,

mow the lawn, take out the trash.

All the bullshit
we don't have time to do.

Forget that! Forget that!

What the hell is wrong with him?

Ow!

Nothing.

You know, nothing really wrong.

You know, he's, uh,
he's a little special.

He's fine. He'll be all right.

Yeah, he's special, all right.

Doug, see what we did was,

we made a copy from Two.

You know how sometimes
you make a copy of a copy

it's not quite as sharp as,
well, the original.

Well, that's kind of what happened.

Leeds loved it, he loved it,
because it was very experimental.

And we got a great deal on it too.
Very cheap.

Leeds loved it, huh?

Good. I'm glad Leeds loved it.
Because I hate it.

You can't just go around cloning people.

That's... That's crazy!

Oh, man. Oh, man.

All right. Listen up.
Listen really clearly to me.

Rule number two. First of all...

We all remember rule number one.

No sleeping with your wife.

It's in here. I got it.

All right, all right. That's important.

Rule number two.
No more Dougs. That's it.

This is plenty, I think.

I'm gonna call Leeds first
thing in the morning.

We're out of the Doug-making
business altogether, all right?

Store's closed.

- Am I clear? Am I clear on this?
- Yeah! Yeah.

- Got it.
- Book is closed on that one.

Oh, man.

I like pizza.

I like it!

We're gonna need a cage.

Bye, Steve.

Good party.

I like Steve.

Well, how did it go?

Oh, man. I'm telling you, this is great!

He was fantastic.

You want some really great sailing?

You know what you ought to do?
Grab Mrs. Doug,

get her down here tomorrow morning,

and come to Catalina with Robin
and me on my big boat.

You should think about it.
I think you'd like it.

Oh, I'm telling you,

we cruise into Avalon Harbor at sunset

Couple of bottles of champagne onboard.

We'd leave you alone.
You make love right on the boat.

Walt.

Most romantic thing in the world.

Think about Catalina.

Yeah. Maybe. I'll call you.

Honey, may I do that? Do you mind?

- This?
- Yeah. I just wanna show you something.

See. First of all,

this piece of aluminum foil
is too small.

See? It can't cover it all,
what's gonna happen?

Air's going to get in there,

and then you get that little
hard crust around the meat.

It gets real brown and dark
and nobody wants to eat that.

So, I'm gonna fold this up
and I'm gonna save this.

We can use it later.

Or, Christmastime comes around,

we might make ourselves a nice
ornament outta that or something.

That's what I like to do.

And by the way, save those fries.
'Cause I'm thinking of stringing them,

and we'll paint them up or something,
we'll just string them around the tree.

Christmas time.
Kids are gonna love that. Okay, now.

Here, look here.
Okay, we'll take a new, fresh piece.

Okay. Now I'm gonna
fold it up on one side, like that.

Make sure we're even.

And then I fold once, I fold twice,

or three times.
Whatever you need to fold it.

But I don't like to roll it.
Sometimes people just roll it over,

but I don't like that because
then you get that lump

right across the center, roll around
in the fridge and everything.

I like to fold it down so it's nice
and flat, and no air gets in there.

Because what?
Air is our enemy, isn't it?

And then...

Then take this. Tuck, tuck, fold.

T.T.F. Tuck, tuck, fold.

Two tucks and a fold.
I just think of Elizabeth Taylor.

Then I was remembering tuck here,
fold there, you know, makes it simple.

Okay, now roll it over, nice and flat.
There we go.

We got it. No air is gonna get in there.

We could send this little guy off
to NASA and nothing would happen.

Look here. Okay, now put the lid on,
burp. There you go. There.

That's very nice. It's very nice.

Doug, I've been noticing
some things about you lately,

and I'm starting to think that maybe...

What?

Nothing.

Go like this.

Go...

Can I just do something?

There...

There.

See? See what that does?
That just frames you better,

it kind of...
And here it gives you, um, height.

Honey, why don't you just go relax

and let me finish cleaning up?

Why?

Okay. All right. You sure?

I'm sure.

Okay.

Freezer.

Second shelf. Over the left.
With all the other meat products.

Unless it's in a skin casing,
like your franks

and your sausages and kielbasas...

Then it goes lower... In the bin.

Oh, boy! Man!

That was a great meal, honey.

Great meal.

You cooked it.

Yeah, but, you know, you ate it.

Doug, were you wearing
that shirt earlier?

This? Yeah. Yeah, sure.

I'm losing it.

Dad, watch this.

Wow! Great. Hey, let me show you
how to walk the dog.

You just showed me before dinner.

I did?

Oh, right. That's right.
I did. I forgot.

Hey, you guys, wanna go
and get some ice cream?

Unless we...
Unless we already did.

Doug, did you decide?

Did I decide what?

What we've been talking
about all evening.

You said you would think about it
and let me know.

I did.

I gave it a lot of thought.
I thought about it a lot, babe.

What did you think?

Well, you know...

I've been thinking about it.

I gave it a lot of thought.

I think whatever you think we should do
is probably the smartest thing to do.

You know, you're smart.
You have great ideas.

Oh, please, honey.

Don't put this all on me.
They're your kids, too.

Can I... Can I say something?

I really think we ought to leave
the kids out of this, hon.

What do you mean?

You wanna go to Disney World
without the kids?

No. No. Uh-uh.

No. That's...
I certainly don't wanna do that.

I don't want to do that.
That's not fair to the kids.

To go all the way down there,
just you and me riding those rides.

It's stupid. Can I ask you something?

When is it we're going
to Disney World again?

Christmas.

I bought non-refundable tickets
to Orlando.

You bought non-refundable
tickets to Orlando?

Are you nuts?

You told me to go ahead and buy them.

- Not me.
- Then who?

Not me. Not me.

God, Doug,
you're driving me crazy!

I call the office
and you bite my head off.

Other times you're as sweet as can be.

And then one minute
you're obsessing about

every little detail.

And then the next you seem
so completely out of it,

like you don't even know
what I'm talking about.

What is going on with you?

Nothing. Nothing's wrong with me.

Absolutely nothing's wrong with me.

Oh, my God, Doug.

You could have bipolar disorder

or multiple personalities.

- Hon, let's sail to Catalina.
- What?

Come on, it'll be great.

We'll sail right into
the harbor at sunset.

We'll bring some wine,
we'll make love right on the boat.

- It'll be great.
- Doug, you don't sail.

But I drink and make love.

The sailing thing, you know,
I can figure that out.

How hard can it be?

We can't just go sailing off
to Catalina.

Why not? Let's just be spontaneous!

We'll leave the kids with your parents.

We used to do stuff like this.
Let's go...

You're the one who says,
"Let's go down to, you know, Ecuador

"and, you know, throw harpoons
with Peruvian basket people and stuff."

Yeah, but that's just talk.

Well, let's do it. Let's just go.
Why can't we?

- Why not? Why can't we?
- Why not?

- Yeah.
- Your job. My job.

Jennifer's dance recital.

The Donaldsons' anniversary party.

Oh, I'm not going to the Donaldsons'
anniversary party.

- You said you were.
- When?

Just this morning!

When you figure out what you want,

would you just let me know?

Hello?

In here, Doug.

Hey.

Uh...

Three?

Mmm-hmm.

Can I...
Can I talk to you for a second?

Sure, Doug.

What's up, Doug? Everything okay?

I've got to go away
for a couple of days.

- Really?
- Yeah. It's a business trip.

- Business trip?
- Business trip?

- Hi, Steve.
- I handle the business.

Yeah, he handles the business, Steve.

Okay, fine. It's not a business trip.

Look, I just need to get away by myself

and, you know, figure some things out.

Do you understand?

You need to get centered. I understand.

Good idea. Good for you.
You deserve that.

Thank you. I need to get centered,
right. Anyway...

I need you to cover for me
days and nights.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Nights?
- Whoa!

What about rule number one?

Yeah, what about rule number one, Steve?

- What's rule number one?
- Hey, uh...

Rain Man, run back in there

and floss yourself, buddy, all right?

I already thought of that.
I already thought of that.

Rule number one still stands.

Do you remember last year
when I had that bronchial infection?

- Oh, sure. That's nasty.
- Well, you got it again.

Okay? Just cough a lot.
Tell her you're really, really sick

and you don't want her
to catch it, okay?

And keep your distance.
Can you handle that?

Yeah. I got a sore throat and a fever.
Okay, uh-huh.

Hey, Doug. Do you want me to handle it?

No. Thanks, though.

Hey. I'm just trying to help out.

Is he safe
with that razor? I mean...

Yeah. We take the blade out.

Two and I shave him
at night while he's sleeping.

It's cute, I think.

All right. Hey, I'm counting on you.

Okay, Doug.

All right?

Hey, Walt.

Hey! Ahoy, Doug.

Ahoy, Doug.

Hey, Doug.
Where's your wife?

Oh. She couldn't make it.

Well, don't you wanna wait
until she can come with you?

Uh...

No, you know what,
she'll probably come next time.

- All right, then. Come on aboard.
- All right, great.

- Wanna give me a hand with these?
- Sure.

Doug...

I'm sorry about last night.

I understand why you
wanted us to go away together.

It did sound romantic,

but we don't have
to go away to make love.

- Honey.
- Are you all right?

Well, no.

I think I'm really coming down
with something here.

'Cause I've got a lot of phlegm,

a lot of phlegm.

Oh, gee! I'm burning up.

I think I've come up
with a fever or something.

I just... Maybe it's a better idea
if we don't get too close tonight.

I'm not worried.

I know, but,
I don't want you to get sick.

And I...

You know...

I just think maybe...
Hey, you know what?

Maybe if you'd not do that,
'cause I don't...

Oh, honey.

I... It might be a good idea
if I got out and sleep in the den.

Just relax.

Hey, what do you hear from your parents?

How are they?

I'm really feeling sick.

I'm gonna make you feel better.

Okay.

I guess you weren't
as sick as you thought.

No. I guess not.

That was so unusual.

I've never seen you
cry like that before.

No... You know,

that one time when the souffle fell

but besides that, I...

I don't know, I guess
I was just moved by it all.

You know what I want now?

No.

Graham crackers and chocolate milk.

Oh... Good.

You want some?

No, thanks, honey.
I've had, um... I've had plenty.

- I'll be right back.
- Okay.

Okay.

What have I done?

Hey!

Mister Wizard.

Who ate all the bologna?

Burglars.

What did you do,
eat everything in the house?

Count Chocula.

No, thanks.

All right, that's it.

I'm starving.

I'm sneaking into the house
and getting something to eat.

Oh, Doug, you startled me!

Change your mind?

Yeah. Yeah, I did.

I changed my mind, uh, I think.

Want some?

Yup.

Yup.

Mmm. You taste good.

You taste pretty good yourself.

Mmm, remember when
we used to make love all over the house?

Oh, yeah.

I remember.

Yeah, I'm really...

- Boy, am I hun... Aren't you hungry?
- Mmm-hmm.

You know, I could... Boy, I could...

I don't know about you
but I could go for one of these...

Canned hams.

Oh, man.

Hmm.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

I don't know if this is really,
you know...

Worst idea in the world.

Ah!

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Look... Look...

I don't know if we should do this.

'Cause I've got... Oh, man!

I've got a really bad cough.

It's...

Of course, you know,
it could clear up in a second.

- Doug.
- What?

I want you.

Wait, I... I...

I'm not so sure... Okay.

Wait. Grab that.

Phew!

That was athletic.

It's better than the StairMaster.

Yeah, well...

I guess I got a little carried away.

- Are you all right?
- Yeah.

Shouldn't we go back upstairs?

Yeah. I guess.

Here.

Thanks.

Oh! Geez, Laura,
you know what? I almost forgot.

There are some things down here,
I got to take care of.

Okay, honey.

I'll be up in a minute.

The kids.

Oh, Doug. I forgot to shut
the windows in the Volvo.

It's gonna be soaked. Do you mind?

No problem. I'll... I'll get it.

Sorry about yelling!
With the kids and everything, honey.

Steve?

Oh, baby!

You're drenched.

Oh, honey, I'm sorry.

Come upstairs.

I don't know what I was thinking,

sending you out in the rain
without you feeling good?

Oh, sweetie, you're soaking.

Come on and get out
of those wet clothes.

Oh, my goodness, you're just...

Wet.

Let me dry you off. I'm so sorry,

I was so, so selfish.

Let me help you with those pants...

Wow!

Again?

Well...

Doug...

My peppy.

I see.

Oh...

Okay.

Well, so much for rule number one.

It was a hell
of a ride, wasn't it?

Well, maybe we'll get
the onshore wind tomorrow.

That oughta make things a little easier.

You really ought to sit up

or you're gonna start
feeling sick again.

Hey, I'm sorry I hurled
on your dog, man.

- Ah, it's okay.
- Phew!

It's not the first time.

No, thanks.

You know, Doug,

some people really shouldn't sail.

Yeah, maybe not.

That was pretty miserable
there for a while.

You know, it wasn't just...

You know, the getting sick part.

'Cause when I was down there
with my head in the, uh...

Well, in the head.

My whole life actually
flashed before my eyes.

There it was.

The funny part is...

I wasn't in it.

I gotta get back into my life.

I have no idea what the hell
you're talking about.

But good luck to you.

Well, thanks.

103?

You're not going anywhere today,
Mr. Flu Bug.

Yeah, you're not going anywhere, Steve.

I gotta go.

The building inspector's coming today.

You're too sick
to go anywhere. Now, I just want...

Del King.

Uh, Del? Uh, yeah. Hi, it's Doug.

Yeah, how are you doing?

Well, not... Not too good,
as it turns out, Del.

I don't think I can
make it in today.

Oh, why don't you just
reach down my throat

and pull out my liver?

Gee, Del. Being a little dramatic,
aren't you?

You know if we don't
get inspected today,

that guy won't be back for a month.

Well, I understand that, Del,
but I'm really, really

just under the weather, here.

I mean, can't you get
someone else meet him?

Nobody knows this job like you do.

Look, you stop screwing around,
get your ass down there,

or start looking for another job!

Nice attitude, Del.

He said...

Yeah, yeah, I heard him.
I gotta get down there.

- You can't go.
- I gotta go.

- You can't go
- I gotta go.

Well, maybe I'll just lie down for a...

You're not going anywhere.

Four, take care of him.
I'm going to work.

Sorry, Steve.

That leg's gonna have to come off.

All right. So,

these are the water pipes.

And you've got hot and cold

both available in all the units.

Which is really, you know, really nice.

What is this? This looks like...

And it is. It's the gas line.

That's gonna be your gas line...

Which would feed natural gas
to all the appliances,

which would require,

you know, natural gas.

- Doug...
- Huh?

You're not answering
the inspector's question.

Oh, sorry. I'm sorry.
What was the question?

The plan showed two-inch gas lines...

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Go like this. Go...

Right here. You've got something...

That's it. You got it. You had
a little something right there...

Uh... I wanna
know why you only went with one-inch?

Oh, that's right. That's right.

That's right. I remember. I remember.

So, what's the answer?

Can you excuse me for a second?

What?

Hi. Hey, why did you
decide to use one-inch gas lines...

...instead of two?

'Cause... Knock it off!

Because the original calcs
were based on kitchens with two ovens.

King cut it back to one to save money.

Got it. I remember.

I remember now what it was.

The original plans called for two ovens.

Somebody decided
to cut back to just the one.

To save money, I guess.

Anyway, I don't know about you, fellas,

but I personally like a double oven.

Sure, there's a lot
of bending, there is,

but, you know, if you got
a turkey in the bottom, or something

and maybe some rutabaga
or something, I don't know,

anything... Anything cooking up top,

it's nice. It's nice
if you like to entertain which I do.

Yeah, but you're still
stubbed out for two.

Now, what if someone future occupant

decides to put in a second oven?

Well...

Ya, hit me.

I don't know.

Hold on a second.

This is ridiculous.

No. Wait... Wait...

The guy can't answer
a few simple questions about a job?

I mean, running off into another room
every two minutes?

You know what that usually means?

Alcohol and drugs.

I mean, God knows
what he's been doing on the job here.

All right, all right,
all right, all right.

Here's how it works.

Even with the extra demand of the oven,

we took the laundry rooms off this line

and we ran a separate
line down the back.

So, which line is feeding
the gas fireplaces now?

Thinking. Thinking.

Boy, does he have some tough ones.

Oh, that's it. This guy
doesn't know what he's doing.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,
hey, hey, hey, hey.

Wait a second there, mister.

I mean, certainly,
you're entitled to your opinion.

But, I don't think
it's fair to judge anyone

based on one
very, very superficial conversation.

Do you, Del?

I'm gonna find the building commissioner
to re-inspect everything.

- No!
- Kinney. Doug Kinney.

You, will stop all work
right where it is until further notice.

I'll be back in about three weeks.

And I suggest, you get your act together

if you wanna keep your license.

- Three weeks?
- And get that man some help.

You what?

You got fired?

Oh, man... How... How...

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Just... Just come home.

Oh, man.

Oh, man.

Doug, what are you doing home?

Are you sick?

Yeah. We got any Pepto-Bismol?

What about your big inspection?

My big inspection...

Well, I guess I missed it, didn't I?

What... I thought it was so important.

I rearranged everything so you could go.

So, Laura, you know...

What are you, some kind of saint?

I mean, what do you want me to do?
Give you a medal?

That makes me feel better.

Doug,

I guess you've been under
a lot of pressure lately.

But when you talk to me like that,

I think you mean it.

And it hurts me.

Now, something is happening lately.

And I feel like
I don't know you anymore.

And it scares me, Doug.

You know, you go along, day after day,

and you tell yourself
that your problems aren't serious.

They're normal.

You know, they...
They happen to everyone.

Or you hope that they'll just
go away by themselves,

but they don't.

It's like this house.

You always said you would fix it up.

No matter what it was,

"I'll fix it," you said.

But nothing ever gets fixed.

Doug.

I need to know what you're feeling.

I need to know if you still love me.

Doug, please just...

Tell me what you want.

I want pizza.

What?

I want pizza.

Give me some pizza.

Take it easy.

Thanks for sailing with us.

Goodbye. Watch your step.

Hey!

Are you guys crazy?

What are you... What are you doing?

What if Laura walks in?

Not much chance of that, sport.

Yeah, not too much chance of that...

What're you talking about? Where is she?

She left you.

What?

Yeah, nothing but tail lights.

She's gone, Doug.
I'm sorry. She took the kids

and packed her bags
and went to her mother's.

They're in Palm Springs.

Doug, I'm so sorry.

Did you eat?
Do you want me to get you something?

Forget that! Wait a minute.
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

What happened with Laura?

Ah, we had a fight.

You had a... What're you
even talking to her for?

It's complicated.

I was pissed off over getting fired.

You got fired?

I didn't. He did.

You know, you've been
doing this for ten years.

You can't answer a few simple,
basic questions?

Simple questions?

- Yes, simple questions.
- Excuse me!

It was like being on Jeopardy,
for crying out loud.

- It was basic instructions.
- They were grilling me!

If you even knew what
they were talking about.

Hey, knock it off!

- Dick.
- Puke-face.

Man.

Did you bring me a monkey?

Man.

Uh, Doug...

There's something else
I think you should, uh...

- You should know.
- What?

Well, uh, it's about rule number one...

What about rule number one?

Well, crazy thing.
We had to bent it a little.

Yeah.

I'd say, we, uh, bent it a lot.

Damn near broke the thing off.

Did you sleep with my wife?

Hey, let's have some rice cakes and tea.

Did you?

I'm sorry, Doug. She's a powerful woman.

Hey, hey, hey!
Take it easy! Take it easy!

She thought it was you.

She did, Doug.

The fact is...

She thought I was you, too.

What?

Hey. We're not perfect.

Yeah. We're not perfect.

I don't believe this.

I leave you guys alone
for one day. One day!

And you totally destroy my life.

We didn't destroy your life, slick.

You did.

As a matter of fact,

we were trying to save it for ya,

and we were doing pretty good too.

We just had one bad day.

One really bad day.

We tried, Doug.

We really did. It was a nightmare.

She was unstoppable, Doug.
It was unbelievable.

It was like she couldn't get sat...

She touched my peppy, Steve.

Well...

I don't understand this.

I mean, we've had fights before, but...

Why did she leave?

You don't fix stuff.

What?

You always say
you're gonna fix stuff,

and then you don't fix stuff.

Did Laura say that?

Maybe.

Did... Did you talk
to Laura before she left?

Ah...

Maybe.

I don't remember.

Here, this will refresh your memory.

Where do you put all that stuff?

Did... Did you? Come on, talk to me.

Did she tell you something?

Phew. She talked to me a lot.

She was afraid and she cried.

She cried? She...

She cried, because...

Because I don't fix anything?

She's scared.

Oh, man.

She's scared.

Hey, I'm gonna buy you
a present for this.

A chainsaw?

Or a... A book. Something.
Something really nice.

I promise you.

Hey, Doug. Come on up.
I'm spitting on bugs.

What's going on?

I need you guys to help me.

What are you doing, Doug?

I'm putting my life back together.

Come on. Let's go.

About time.

Polyblend.

Well, the house is a rockin'

Don't bother knockin'

Yeah, the house is a rockin'

Don't bother knockin'

If the house is a rockin',

Don't bother, come on in

Kick off your shoes

Start losin' the blues

This old house...

Hey, Steve, can I help?

Uh, yeah, grab
the end of that plastic, will ya?

We got room on the floor...

Whoa!

Come on baby shake sumpin' loose

- Morning, Vic.
- Doug.

You said to be here at 8:30.
I'd like you to note the time.

- 9:15.
- Huh?

The hell is the matter with this thing,
drives me nuts.

That's all right, come on.

Hey, look.

I just want to tell you,

I'm really sorry I spoke
to you the way I did.

And I still think you're the best
cement man in the business.

Really?

No, but I got to get this driveway done

and no one else was available.

- Well, I can accept that.
- Good.

You said you got your own guys?

Yup.

- Hi, Vic.
- Hi, Vic.

Okay, let's go to work.

Fair enough.

Wow. Okay, you heard him!

If the house is a rockin'

Don't bother knockin'

If the house is a rockin'

Don't bother knockin'

If the house is a rockin'

Don't bother, come on in

Hey!

Hey, I made some
really tasty sandwiches if you want one.

Oh. Great.

Tuna with curried mayonnaise.

Ooh. I like that.

I know. That's why I made 'em.

- Let me ask you something.
- Sure.

You know, the other night, uh,

when you were, uh...

When you were with Laura...

Look, Doug, I'll tell you something.

When that woman wants something, Doug,
there's no stopping her.

And strong. Does she work out?
Because...

Hey, all right...

I don't... I don't wanna know
any of the specifics.

No, no, no. Right. I know. I know.

- It's... It's just that...
- You think, uh...

Do you th...

Do you think she... She liked you,

you know, more than she likes me?

Of course not, Doug.

First of all, Doug, you are me.

I am you. Do you understand?

Yeah. Yeah, that's right.

Yeah, sure, you know...

I'm me, you're me and I'm you. Yeah...

- Me.
- Uh, yeah! Yeah, I mean...

I know she loves you, Doug.

You know...

I wasn't really there for her, I think.

I mean, even...

Even when I was there, I wasn't there.

You know?

Do you remember what you said to me

about quality time
with Laura and the kids?

Trust me. It's all quality time.

Yeah. That's for sure.

All right, now.

- You have to brush your teeth, okay?
- Yeah.

Don't forget your books
and your jackets.

And Grandpa's gonna take you to school

and I'll pick you up.

- All right.
- All right, say goodbye to me.

Bye, Mommy.

- Dad!
- Dad?

Did you come to take us home?

Yup! Yup, yup, yup.

How're ya doin'?

Why don't you guys go in the house
and let me talk to Dad.

You can see Daddy later.

Bye, Daddy.

- See you later.
- See ya.

Okay.

Come on, come on. Come on, you guys.
Hurry up. Hurry up.

So, how was the desert?

Well, it was great. Just what I needed.

Yeah. 'Cause, you know,

I saw on the weather
that it was like, what? 175 degrees.

It was a little hot.

All right, look, Laura, here's the deal.

I'm gonna ask you to come back home.

Okay. But I'm not gonna plead with you.

Don't expect that.
If you say yes, great.

But I'm not gonna stand out here
in front of all these neighbors and beg.

So don't expect me to do that.

Come home, great. If you don't, fine.

Doug, I just don't think...

Please, Laura.

Stop that! Get up!
Why didn't you talk to me?

I gave you a chance.
It was just so mean.

That wasn't me.

That's just the point.

You've been acting
like a lunatic lately.

Listen, I... I just got

a little confused about who I was.
That's all.

All right, I got real confused
about who I was.

Hon, look, it's happened to you.

I mean, you wanna be a mom
but you also wanna work.

You wanna be completely independent,

but you need to be taken
care of a little, right?

Yes.

It gets confusing, doesn't it?

Yes.

Please, come home with me,
for just a minute

so I can show you something.

Doug, I just...

Come on. Just for a minute.

Okay.

Oh...

Oh, it's beautiful!

Oh, Doug.

See?

This is perfect.

Great, right?

Oh, gosh.

- Oh... The wall's gone.
- Yeah.

Oh, it's just like I dreamed, it's...

Oh, Doug!

I'm so glad you like it.

It's so pretty.

How did you do this?

Well, I had...

Had some of the boys pitch in
and help me out, you know.

Got some of the guys to do some work,
and just got it done.

You know, if you put your mind to it,

I think you can do anything.

So, what do you think?

I think it's a miracle.

It's good, right? I told you.
I told you I'd finish it.

I just, you know...
I just needed time to get it done.

Hey, you know what I'm thinking of?

I'm thinking of starting
my own contracting business.

What do you think?

You see, that way I could
set my own hours,

and kind of pace myself.

I mean, I don't wanna do anything big.

I'm gonna start off with,
uh, you know, small jobs.

Bird houses and, you know, mail boxes.

Stuff like that.

That'd be nice.

Man...

I love you so much.

I mean, I just, like...

I just really love you.

Whatever I do,

whatever you need to do...

As long as we're both rowing
the same boat, right?

We'll be fine. Don't you think?

Yeah, I think.

Yeah, me too.

Whoo... Okay.

- Bye, honey!
- Bye, Daddy!

- Bye, Dad.
- Bye! See you.

Bye!

So, where are you guys headed?

Wherever the road takes us, Doug.

I don't know. We're thinking about
maybe going down to Florida.

Stop off in Vegas, of course.

Yeah, and we're gonna eat a dolphin.

Hey, Lenny.

You're not gonna eat a dolphin, pal.
You're gonna pet one.

Oh, yeah, wait. That's right.

We're gonna... We're gonna pet one.
We're gonna pet a dolphin.

Are you gonna be all right?

Yeah. Yeah. We're gonna be all right.

We're gonna be fine, Doug.
Don't worry about us.

How about you?

You gonna be all right?

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm gonna be fine.

Wow.

Hey, I'll tell you one thing.

You're three good-looking guys.

Doug.

- Thanks!
- When he's right, he's right.

Well, I guess.

Okay, man.

I'll see ya.

Bye, Doug.

See you, Steve.

Mom, if a T-Rex
fought with a tank...

Who do you think would win?

I don't know, honey, I'm not really...

Mom?

You know how you can tell
when you really love someone?

- How?
- How?

When everyone you see
reminds you of him.

Dear Doug.
Greetings from sunny Miami.

Well, I'm happy to report that

we've been open for six months now

and business is really booming.

Two is so happy because in this job,

he gets to meet
so many new people every day

and, well, you know how nice
he can be when he wants to be.

Let's bump chests.

As for me,

I am cooking up a storm
and having a ball.

The pizzas are selling like crazy.

They just can't seem to get
enough of my pepperoni.

And, Doug,
you would be so proud of Four.

He's working two jobs now,
and doing very well.

In the morning, he delivers newspapers,

and then the rest of the day
he delivers pizzas for us.

Hey! Pizza!

Walk out! Girl, don't you walk out

We've got things to say

Talk out! Let's have a talk

And things will be okay

Girl, I don't wanna fight

I'm a little bit wrong

You're a little bit right

And I said, "Girl

"You know that it's true

"It's a little bit me

"It's a little bit you"

Don't know just what I said wrong

But, girl, I apologize

Don't go, here's where you belong

Wipe the tears from your eyes

Girl, I don't want to fight

I'm a little bit wrong

You're a little bit right

And I said, "Girl

"You know that it's true

It's a little bit me

"It's a little bit you"

And I said, "Girl

"You know that it's true

"It's a little bit me

"It's a little bit you"

Girl, I don't want to fight

I'm a little bit wrong

You're a little bit right