Mrs. Pollifax-Spy (1970) - full transcript

Mrs. Emily Pollifax of New Jersey goes to the CIA to volunteer for spy duty, being in her own opinion, expendable now that the children are grown and she's widowed. And being just what the department needed (someone who looks and acts completely unlike a spy), she's assigned to simple courier duty to pick up a book in Mexico City. But when the pickup doesn't go as plan, Mrs. Pollifax finds herself handcuffed to a handsome stranger on a plane bound for an Albania prison. And it's up to her to get them out.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]Yes.

Mrs. Emily Pollifax.

Oh, Mrs. Pollifax,
how do you do?

How do you do?Won't you
have a seat?

Oh, thank you.If you're a friend
of Senator Murray's?

Oh, yes, indeed,
close friends.

Yes. The Senator says
you're very active

in community groups,
hospital work, civil defense.

And that you'd like
some information...

Oh, that was for Philip's...
The Senator's benefit.

I had to
say something.



This isn't
the easiest place
to get into.

Sorry, Mrs. Pollifax.

But if we're
not careful, we get
all sorts of cranks.

Just how can
we be of service?

Well, the real reason
I came was to inquire
about your spies.

Inquire about...Your spies.

Well, as a matter of fact,
I believe they're all
quite well.

[GIGGLES] Oh, no,
I didn't mean...

I was wondering
if you needed any.

You see, I would like
to apply for work
as a spy.

MASON: You're not serious.

POLLIFAX:
About becoming a spy?

Of course I am.

All my life I've dreamt
of being a spy.



Well, it's sort of
like that doctor
in England

who wanted to conduct
the London Symphony,

and finally did.

I've been housebound
for years, happily so.

But now that
I'm a widow with
no encumbrances,

no responsibilities...

But that doesn't
necessarily mean...Oh, I realize that

you know nothing
about me, so

I brought some
letters of reference.

Still, my only
qualifications are
those of character.

My daughter is married
and lives in Seattle.

My son is a lawyer
in San Francisco.

And since I lost
my husband and my
children moved away,

I manage to fill my days.

The problem
is with the nights.

That goes for all of us.

It's not just that
I want to color the
drabness of my life.

I'm not any good
at women's luncheons.

And I would like
to feel useful again

especially in the
service of my country,

during these
difficult times.

I'm afraid you have
a mistaken conception

of the functions
of the CIA.

Oh, not at all.

I know you have
four major divisions

Intelligence Collection
and Evaluation,

Science and Technology,
Support and Administration

and Secret Operations,

known to you gentlemen
as "Dirty Tricks."

The point is,
Mrs. Pollifax,

we really don't recruit
agents in this way.

Oh, we sometimes
use volunteers.

But that's what I am,
don't you see?
A volunteer.

Surely the CIA can find use
for someone such as myself.

And I am expendable.

Just that fact
might save someone.

Someone more valuable.

I don't mean
to sound melodramatic,

but I wouldn't have come
if I weren't prepared
to give my life.

We appreciate the spirit
in which you came.

So if something
comes up...

Perhaps I should mention
that I don't shrink from
the sight of blood.

I'll make a note of that.

MASON: What is your address?

139 Charles Street,
Montclair, New Jersey.

MASON: Montclair, New Jersey.

Oh, and you'll want
to take your letters of
recommendation with you,

in case
you want to seek
other employment.

No, please file them.
This is the only work
I'm interested in.

[SIGHS]

Well, uh,
give my best
to the Senator.

Yes, I will.

I'm dining with him tonight.

I'll tell him I hope to
hear from you very soon.

She's perfect.

[SHREDDER WHIRRING]



Stop worrying
about Mrs. Pollifax.

She's going
to make a good spook.
I've already briefed her.

She's bright,
enthusiastic...

Well, I do worry
and I don't like
the deception.

Since when?

Well, telling her that this
is just a little errand.

Some errand.
We've been on this
thing for eight months.

When did we
last hear from Tirpak?

CARSTAIRS:
Three days ago, in Nicaragua.

What if he doesn't
make it by the 18th?

He'll make it.And what about
her children?

I had her telephone them.

She's taking a vacation.

She lies beautifully.

Her polygraph doesn't
mean a damn thing.

You should've warned me
I was to have my picture
taken.

Is it for my passport?

Oh, no, it's just
for our files.

As a tourist, you don't need
a passport for Mexico.

Oh, good morning, Mr. Mason.

Good morning, Mrs. Pollifax.

Great pleasure
to see you again.

I'm so glad you took
my name and address.

It showed such foresight.

Well, shall we review
your instructions once more?

Oh, it's all right,
Emily. Go ahead.[SIGHS]

Well, I leave today at noon

on Flight 811 for Mexico City

and register
at the Hotel Reforma.

Three days from now,
on the 19th, at 10:00 a.m.

I take a taxi
for Calle del Siglo 37

to the bookshop
El Papagayo Librereria,

and look in the
window for a copy of
A Tale Of Two Cities.

I enter only if
I see the book,

and ask to speak
to Senor DeGamez.

Splendid! Splendid!
Go on.

I say I would like
to buy a copy of
A Tale of Two Cities.

Senor DeGamez says
he doesn't have one.

Then I tell him,
"l saw a copy
in your window,"

and point it out to him.

That's when I say,

"I think Madame DeFarge
is simply gruesome,
don't you?"

Excellent!

That last phrase is how
he knows I'm the agent,
uh, courier.

Then he'll give me the
book, and I return

that same evening
to Washington.

Just think of it
as a simple errand,

like making a purchase
in a department store.

Doesn't sound
dangerous at all.

Well, you wouldn't want
me to make more of it
than it really is.

There'll be no
further contact between us
unless there's a hitch.

Uh, by that
I mean a delay.

In that event,
you'll be contacted
at the Reforma.

Oh, how?
Do I have a number?

No, no.
As I've explained before,

it's very important
that you be only
yourself at all times.

Mrs. Emily Pollifax,
tourist from Montclair,
New Jersey.

Under no circumstances
be anyone else

until we see you
back here at headquarters.

Yes, sir.



Gracias.

Oh, my key please?

Oh, on the dresser,
senora.Oh, thank you.



No, no, senora,
not that hat.SALESWOMAN: No?

This one. Si, senora. Este?

Gracias. Bien.

Gracias.

Adios. Adios.

CARSTAIRS: Tirpak
is back on schedule.
Guatemala.

Feel better about
Mrs. Pollifax?

Pentagon's happy.
So is state.

[GUNSHOTS]

[SPEAKING SPANISH]

[GUNSHOTS]

[SPEAKING SPANISH]

BANDIT: It is not on Tirpak.

[SPEAKING SPANISH]

Please, senor.
Where is Calle del Siglo?Huh?

Well, you go
two streets to the left.

I have your picture
ready in an hour.

Gracias.

[CAR HONKS]

[SPEAKING SPANISH]

[SPEAKING SPANISH]

LARRABEE: Alicia! Alicia!
Tirpak's dead!

[SPEAKING SPANISH]

[SPEAKING SPANISH]

I had to take a chance
and put it in the window.

You're a day late.

May be later than
that for all of us.

If they know about
Tirpak, then they
know about the book.

LARRABEE: Who's the pickup?

Forget about the book.

Use these.



DEGAMEZ: Won't you
come in, senora?

Oh, not today,
thank you.

I was just looking...But then
you must look in here.

Perhaps there will be
something you like.

[PARROT SQUAWKS]Oh!

Oh, I'm sorry.

[SPEAKING SPANISH]

Oh, no, it's just
that I knew the word,
the parrot.

Exactly, senora.
And I am Senor DeGamez.

And this is Ole,
my partner.

[PARROT SQUAWKS]Eh, Ole?

Do you know parrots?

This one is
exceptionally fine.

[PARROT SQUAWKS]

Have you ever
seen such color?

No, no, he's beautiful.
Like a sunset.

The perfect companion,
especially when
you are alone.

That and, uh, solitaire.

Have you ever
played solitaire?

Well, once or twice
when I was a child I tried it.

Why senora,
you are missing
a delight!

I myself treasure
the solitary cards.

Solitaire clears the brain,
it calms the nerves.

77 Ways to Play Solitaire.
That many?

Hmm, and there
are some I think
no one can ever win.

I have tried them
all for hours.

Ole can tell you,
can't you, Ole?

OLE: Old books,
new books, old books.

Quite a salesman.
But I'll take it.

Twelve pesos.
That's, uh, a dollar.

You will like it, senora.

Have you come
to Mexico alone?

Yes, yes, I have.

Ah, in the spirit
of adventure.

I admire that.
It takes courage.

DEGAMEZ: This has been
a great pleasure to me,
senora.

[CASH REGISTER RINGS]

Thank you.OLE: Kiss me! Kiss me!

POLLIFAX: Adios,Ole!

Adios, senora.

Oh, senora,

how can you play 77 games
of solitaire without cards?

Here.

[POLLIFAX GIGGLES]As you Americans say,
"On the house!"

Thank you, senor.

[DIALING PHONE]

DEGAMEZ: Farrell,
it's a mayday!

[GROANING]

You've already
made up my room.

Si, si.You leave now,
senora?

No. This evening.

Oh. Pardone mi.

Buenos dias, senora.

[SIGHS]
Good morning.

Good morning.
May I be of any assistance?

Oh, well, when I was
here yesterday

the proprietor
was so helpful.

But, uh, I am the
proprietor, senora.

I am Senor DeGamez.

Oh?

Yes. That must
have been my cousin.

He comes into the
store to help me

when I am away
on business.

He is Senor DeGamez, too,

but he is not here.

I was in such a rush,
but he was so, so kind

I thought I'd come back
and buy something else.

Oh, yes.
That would be Jose.

He is noted
for his charm.

And it is Jose's charm
that brought you back,
no, senora?

Yes, indeed.
And also for a copy of
A Tale of Two Cities.

A Tale of Two Cities?

I think Madame DeFarge
is simply gruesome,
don't you?

I think we
understand each other,
don't we, senora?

[STUTTERS]
I beg your pardon?

Please come with me
while I get what you
came for.

Please excuse the
untidiness, senora.

Would you like
to sit down?

Thank you.

I'll wrap the package.

Oh, would you like
some coffee, senora?

Oh, thank you, thank you.
That would be lovely.

Help yourself to the sugar.

I'll only be a moment.

Ole?

OLE: [SQUAWKS]
Old books, new books.

[DOOR OPENS]

You eat now.

FARRELL: When you're
finished with that,
I'd like it back.

Oh, I'm sorry. I...

Just wanted to know
who I was handcuffed to.

Farrell.

John Sebastian Farrell.

Oh, how's my pulse?
Am I still alive?

I'm Mrs. Emily Pollifax.

I'm sorry.
I thought you
were unconscious.

Yeah.

Did you get a look
at our waiter?

He's an oriental.

Oh, he is?

What's the last thing
you remember?

Oh, now, let me see...

Mexico City,
the Reforma Hotel.Yeah.

What am I
doing on this plane?
Where are we going?

I haven't the faintest idea.

But I'll see
if I can find out.

Well, from here
it looks like we're
heading east

at about, oh,
I'd say 20,000 feet.

My bag.
Oh, and my pearls.

Oh, where on earth
are my traveler's checks?

[GRUMBLING]

My driver's license.
Look at the cards!

Now why would
they tear these cards?

When did you
last see DeGamez?Look at them.

DeGamez?Yeah, the proprietor of
El Papagayo Bookstore.

Oh, yes, yes.
I did buy a book,
but I don't remember

the name of the store
or the man who waited on me.

Well, it was
DeGamez and El Pap...
Pap, well, he's dead.

Uh, who?

DeGamez.

And the only reason
we're not is because

they didn't find
what we were looking for.

They?They! Them!

Come on, wake up,
Mrs. Pollifax, wake up!

Now, I know who you are
and I know who sent you,

and I know
what you came for,

and in spite of our
present predicament here,

my job is to find it,
and your job is to help me.

Now, what book
did you take out?

It was 77 Ways
to Play Solitaire.

And of course
you know who I am,
I just told you.

I am Mrs. Emily Pollifax,
a tourist from Montclair,
New Jersey.

Yeah. So Carstairs
wrote on the back
of your photograph.

What'd you do
with the book?

It's at the hotel. Car...

At the hotel?

You know something?
I think that you're
one of them

and trying to
gain my confidence.

Oh, you do, huh?Yes, I do.

Well, then what were we
doin' handcuffed together?

They could've
planted you there.

I got a mayday
from DeGamez,

and that could only be
because something got
screwed up.

Now, how did that book
get back to the hotel
after you were drugged?

Mr. Farrell, the man
you call DeGamez
assured me that

this game would
clear my brain,
calm my nerves,

and you are
irritating both.

For the last time,
I am Mrs. Emily Pollifax,
a tourist from Montclair...

Montclair, New Jersey!
Yeah, I know.

Carstairs would
be proud of you.

You're a volunteer, aren't ya?

You're a patriotic
volunteer, right?

I've worn this flag
all my life.

Carstairs, you've
done it again.

You with that
dried up raisin
you call a brain!

You've sent me
a bloody amateur who's
blown the whole network.

Bless you, Carstairs.
You bastard, you!

[TELETYPE MACHINE RUNNING]

Who's at the airport?

Peattie. He's covered
every plane from Mexico
the past 12 hours.

Damn it,
can't anyone
find Farrell?

Maxwell, if we don't
hear from him in an hour
go down there yourself.

Look in every
bar and bedroom,
but find him!

Is it Cuba?

No such luck.
We've been in
the air too long.

Luck?

I know Cuba well.
I ran guns for Castro
for a year.

Oh. Don't you care
whose side you're on?

Just who pays
the best, honey.

You better hang on.
To me, if you like.

[AIRPLANE TIRES SCREECH]

[SPEAKING ALBANIAN]

Yeah, yeah.

Where do you
suppose we are?

I'll tell ya in code
AL-BA-NIA.

A... Albania?

[SPEAKING ALBANIAN ]



What're you doing?

Memorizing landmarks.
It'll help me when I escape.

Well, enjoy it while
you can, honey.

They'll kill you for havin'
it and they'll kill you
for not havin' it.

Nonsense!
I can't die yet.

Why not?Because I'm not ready.

Oh.

[HORN HONKING]

CLERK: This is how the maid
found Mrs. Pollifax's room.

Nothing has been
touched. Nothing.



FARRELL: Oh.

[SPEAKING ALBANIAN]

If he's saying
what think he is,
I refuse.

It's better
than walkin'.

I don't ride.

[SPEAKING ALBANIAN]

I... I'll lead mine.

You get up or
they'll truss you
and tie you on.

No.

[SIGHS]

I am riding this
beast under protest.

I'm sure he feels
the same way.



Alcatraz, Albania style.

Yeah.

You still markin'
the trail home?

Everything that goes up
must come down.

Sometimes in a wooden box.

Come, boy!



I am General Berisha.

You will please dismount
and follow me.

Well, all right.

[STRUGGLING]Come on, chubby.

FARRELL: Not many
lady tourists get
to see this.

[SPEAKING ALBANIAN]

[BOTH SPEAKING ALBANIAN]

General, if this is
some sort of jail,

I demand to know
what my crime is.

Getting caught.

[CELL DOOR OPENS]

[CELL DOOR LOCKING]

I thought rooms like this
only existed in operas.

[SIGHS] I wonder who
the last tenants were.

Well, which view
do you prefer?

You choose.

Where do you suppose
the bathroom is?

In the pail.

Well, at least we
don't have to unpack.

Take your pick.

I'm so tired,
any bed looks good.

[SIGHS]

Well, I hope you
realize what you've
gotten yourself into,

Mrs. Pollifax, tourist
of Montclair, New Jersey.

[SIGHS] I'm aware that
I've been kidnapped,

and that I may never
see my children again.

Well, now that
you realize that

tell me what DeGamez
gave you in the bookstore.

Mr. Farrell...

FARRELL: I may have to
destroy whatever it is.Mr. Farrell,

I don't know anything.

[WHISPERS] Bugged.What?

Bugged.

Uh...

They don't use mics and
wires to bug a room with
anymore.

The Chinese have
very little technology.

Um, that's true. Yes.

All they do is make
chop suey, starch shirts

and manufacture atomic bombs.
Now will you please tell me
what DeGamez...

Mr. Farrell, if you
don't stop saying...[NOISE AT DOOR]

If they question us,
they're going to do
it separately.

I'll probably be first.

Why do you say that?

So that what they
do to me will scare
the truth out of you.

They'll save
the SP till later.

SP?Sodium pentothal. Here!

I don't smoke.Everybody is
bribable, see?

Now, if I can't talk when
I get back, you remember
two things,

try to make all
the friends you can,

and stick to your
dumb story, it just
may buy you time.

I keep telling you,
I don't know a thing!

Yeah. Well, that's too bad.

Because I don't think
they're gonna believe
you any more than I do.

Hi.

Oh, boy!

Yeah, I know, fellas, I know.
It's nothing personal.

[NOISE OUTSIDE DOOR]

Farrell! Farrell!

What have they
done to you?

He's a good man.

Help me get this
man to that bed!No. No.

I've had enough of him.

Now listen,

remember what I said.
Don't let this scare ya.Who's scared?

I'm going to find out
who's responsible for this,

and when I do, believe me.Don't antagonize them,
for God's sake!

Don't be ridiculous!
We're the ones who
shouldn't be antagonized!

You tell 'em, baby.

POLLIFAX: Senor DeGamez!

How did you get here?

Same way you did,
Mrs. Pollifax.

Will you sit
down, please?No, thank you.

I am General Perdido,
and this is General Berisha.

We've met.

General Berisha's in charge
of prisoners and security.

That is, when
I'm not here.

Colonel Nexdhet,

our cryptographer.

And which one of you
distinguished gentlemen

is responsible for
Mr. Farrell's condition?

Why don't you
ask Mr. Farrell?

Gentlemen, I'd
like you to meet
Mrs. Emily Pollifax,

139 Charles Street,
Montclair, New Jersey.

That is correct, General
what-ever-your-name-is!

I am a tourist from
the United States of America,

and I demand to know
why you brought me here.

To get for my superiors
the same information

you went to Mexico to get
for your superiors.

I don't know what all
that gibberish means,

but I do know I have a great
deal to complain about

and no consul to whom
I can complain.

I have been kidnapped.

Which is a serious
felony in my country.

Robbed of my possessions,
another felony.

And brought to a
godforsaken jail on top
of a mountain in Albania.

A country, according
to a documentary film
that I saw,

inhabited by two million
oppressed people

who are trying to survive
under the tyranny of
the Red Chinese regime.

And that is the greatest
felony of them all.

Mrs. Pollifax,

as an agent of the CIA

you must realize
we wouldn't have brought you

and Farrell halfway
around the world,

without being certain
that you have what we want.

I am committed
to deliver it,

and I assure you, I will.

Colonel Nexdhet.Yes.

See that these articles
are examined immediately!Yes, sir.

I am not an agent
for the CIA.

I am an American tourist.

So is half your organization.
[LAUGHING]

[SPEAKING IN ALBANIAN]
[LAUGHING]

Mrs. Pollifax,

you and I are going to
do business together,

pleasantly or unpleasantly,

depending on your
willingness to cooperate.

For the moment we'll await
Colonel Nexdhet's results.

Corporal Stefan,

return the prisoner
to her quarters!

If you brought everything
from my hotel room,

I would appreciate
a change of clothes.

That you will have.

Take off my clothes?

I refuse!

Please, lady.

It's SOP for all agents
or suspected tourists.

What are those?For feet.

Would you mind?I watch.

Over my dead body!

I don't care about
body, lady. I watch.

[CHUCKLES]

Then watch that!

General say, no forget
shoes, coat, hat.

You, uh, want an
American cigarette?

Come on. Come on. Have it.

Got a match?

Tell me, is everybody
here in the Secret Police?

No. General Perdido,
he come from Peking.

P-E-R-D-I-D-O?Yah.

Yeah.

This is absurd!

What do they expect
to find in my things?

Maps, film,
diamonds, dope.

Everything?Everything.

[DOOR CLOSING]Join me, Comrade Pollifax.

What is it?

Well, it's a goat curd cheese,
and Albanian bread,

and goat milk with just
a touch of saffron.

How come you know
so much about food?

Well, sex and food
are my only recreation.

It may be drugged.

Nope. No, not this time.

No, my friend will want
me sane, sober and alert.

Friend?

General Francisco
Perdido y Wong,

a half-Portuguese,
half-Chinese scurrilous
son of a bitch.

Tried to kill him
ten years ago.

I missed.

They got DeGamez.

You know, it's Farrell
that I can't figure.

And your Mrs. Pollifax?

Oh, she's still
with us, I'd say.

They tore her room
apart, so they didn't
get what they wanted.

Where's Larrabee?Gone under.

I had Maxwell wire
the Pollifax kids
from Mexico City.

What, that she disappeared?

Of course not!
That she's having
a wonderful time

and decided to delay
her return for a few days.

Oh, that's nice.

And how are you
going to word it
when you find out

that she's joined
Mr. Pollifax?

Boat accident off Acapulco,
no bodies recovered.

[INDISTINCT CHATTERING]

Wake up! Wake up!Hmm?

Here.

What is it?
A tooth?

Here.

It opens like this,
once, twice.

Nobody's taking
this pill!

You're not,
and I'm not!

FARRELL: What are you doing?

If you didn't want that,
why in the hell didn't
you leave it for me?

Because I'm in charge
of my own life.

Well, you're not
in charge of mine.

[FOOTSTEPS]

General say,
you come now.

Don't wait up for me.

[SIGHS]

[GUNSHOTS]

[INDISTINCT TALKING
IN ALBANIAN]

[NOISE OUTSIDE DOOR]

[SPEAKING ALBANIAN]

Oh, dear God!

He ran to wall,
tried to jump off.

I did not want him shot.
I need him alive.[TEARING CLOTH]

Then get him a doctor!

The doctor's not
due till next week.

He'd put leeches on him
and send for the gypsies!

I've waited years to get
my hands on this man.

He broke loose
from the guards!Guards?

Goat herders!

Get me a basin.
And some water.
Hot water.

Help her.
Give her what she needs.
I want him conscious.

[SPEAKING IN ALBANIAN]

POLLIFAX:
He's still unconscious.

It's just possible
that he heard that
as clearly as I did.

[POLLIFAX GASPS]

You.I know your friend.

He'll get well.

Your dispensary
is limited, Colonel.

No drugs, a few
bandages, some aspirin
and a bottle of iodine.

If the men are
seriously injured,

we take them to the
village and replace them.

The bullet's got to come out,

and it should be done while
he's still unconscious.

I'll need a knife.

A sharp knife.

Lulash, hold
the pan here.

What do you think
you're gonna do
with that knife?

[GASPS] Farrell,

the bullet has to come out.
Or it can get infected.

You a doctor?

Doctor! She's not
even a Gray Lady.

But I did have a very
extensive first aid course
during the war.

Which one?

The Spanish-American,
Mr. Farrell.

FARRELL: I can believe it.

POLLIFAX: Hold him down.

What, no bullet
for my teeth?

[GRUNTS OF PAIN]

Are you probing

or amputating that leg?
[GASPS]

[SCREAMING AND EXCLAIMING]

The iodine.

Give me the iodine.

[SCREAMING]

My knife, please.

Your progress is slow!

The equipment,
General, it's old.

Like our uniforms,
second hand.

You found this
in the book?

Stamps, Kleenex,
toothpaste, bobby pins!

Do they decode?

Only two words,

bobby pins.

Meaning?

Goat herders.

I'll check this tonight.

Our comrades at headquarters
in Tirana may have a different
translation.

Farrell?

Why did you try to
jump off that cliff?

Because it was there.

Oh, please eat.
You've got to get well.For Perdido?

No! So we can escape!

Escape?

You gonna carry me off
this hill piggy-back?

Don't be such a pessimist.

I'm a realist.
Now, you be a good
little doctor

and go make
your house calls
somewhere else.

And stop hovering over me
like a helicopter.

We've got to plan.
Work as a team!

Oh, yeah, we're one
helluva team, we are!

One cripple and one nut!

[CELL DOOR OPENING]

Good morning.

You're to come with me,
Mrs. Pollifax.

More futile questioning?

You are to exercise
while I make my rounds.

Well,

how is the patient?Alive, dammit.

I won't be long, Farrell.

Yeah, keep in touch.

NEXDHET: And this is
where I come from.

In the crests of
those mountains,

the eagles live

and fight to the death
to protect their young.

Oh, it's beautiful.
Fascinating.

There were not born yet,
neither yesterday nor today,

such men who could
frighten the Albanians.

The Albanian people
were once like that.

Fearless and free.

It's really quite
beautiful, your Albania.

Come.

I will lend you a book.

It will tell you all
about the greatness
of our people.

Oh, thank you, Colonel.

Uh, the village
below there...Mmm?

Is that the one
we drove through?

NEXDHET: It's the
only one in the valley.

And the river beyond?

That is the River Drin.

Oh, uh.

Would you,
uh, cigarette?

[SPEAKING ALBANIAN]

That means,
"No, thank you."

But you may.

Oh.

Tell me, Colonel.
This place, was it
always a prison?

No, before Perdido,

it was a Communist camp
under Stalin.

Before that, it was
a hideout for the Resistance.

In the thirties it was
a retreat for King Zog.

It has been used by
the Turks, Italians

the Axis, the Allies.
[CHUCKLES]

Once, a long time ago,
it belonged to the Albanians.

Now, this way, please.

[INDISTINCT CHATTERING]

You are a curiosity
to the men.

We have never had
a woman prisoner before.

Oh, good morning,
Sergeant Lulash.

Ah, General Berisha!
Having a sun bath, huh?

[SPEAKING ALBANIAN]

[GASPS]
[SPEAKING ALBANIAN]

What you bringing
woman up here?

Oh, don't be upset, General.
I have a grown son.

It is his back.
A chronic condition

brought on by our
altitude, and the
dampness in the stones.

Oh, but sun isn't the remedy.

Massage, General.
Deep massage to relax
the muscles.

Exercise, massage,
is nothing!

Ah, it's all
in the hands.

Always had a massage
when my back gave out.

Ooh.
The lower back, too?

Lower and upper.Ooh.

[BERISHA SPEAKING ALBANIAN]

[SPEAKING ALBANIAN]

All right. Yes.

[CHUCKLES]

Oh!

BERISHA: Ooh,
that's very good.

Ooh! Oh, that's good.
That's very good.

Oh, boy, boy, boy,
boy, boy. Ooh.

[GROANS OF PLEASURE]

Ooh!

Very good.

Ooh, that's good.

[GROANS]

Oh, that's good, boy, oh,
boy, oh, boy, oh, boy. Ooh!

SECRETARY: [OVER PHONE]
Ready with your call
to San Francisco.

Take it.You take it.

You insisted
on telling them.

I talked to her
daughter in Seattle.

What'd you tell her?I didn't.

How could I tell a pregnant
woman that her mother's
drowned off Acapulco?

Well, what the hell has
that got to do with it?

It's your baby!

What kind of talk is that?

Hello, Mr. Pollifax?

My name is Carstairs.
Alex Carstairs.

I'm calling from Washington.

I'd like to have a little chat
with you about your mother.

[GRUNTS] Damn thing!

Farrell.

Farrell.

What?

Colonel Nexdhet
loaned me a book.Hmm?

It's got a map of
Albania in the centerfold.

Oh, a map of Albania.

And complete with a guide
to good restaurants, no doubt.

Printed in 1919.

But the topography of
Albania hasn't changed!Yeah.

What're you gonna do
with that, break windows?

We have to knock out
some of the guards.

And gag them.Yeah.

I'll get more
rocks tomorrow.

Yeah, you do that.
They make excellent
paperweights.

Oh, Farrell, I know I sound
like an amateur. I am.

But I'm a determined one.Yeah.

You're also a
pain in the...Please.

Why won't you cooperate?

All right, I will.

I promise you
I will cooperate.

Now, if you steal Lulash's
keys, so we can make a wax
impression from the candle,

then we can file a duplicate
out of the bed leg.

And then if you'll
borrow a couple guns

with about a hundred
rounds of ammo,

a crutch, and about 9,000
feet of nylon rope with a
basket on the end of it,

so that we can lower
ourselves down to the
airfield down below,

where we will find
a TWA 707 jet waiting,

motors all revved up,
completely staffed
with a full crew

and about a dozen gorgeous
stewardesses who are going to
serve us a magnificent dinner

from Maxim's,
with three great,
vintage wines

and a marvelous cigar.

Now, if you can
accomplish all that
before Perdido returns,

you waken me.

And I will cooperate!

Oh, that is good,
very good. Very good.

How long have you
been assigned to
this place, General?

Too long. Three years.
Is a lonely life.

Have you any hobbies?

I have a mistress.

That should help
pass the time.

But she is not here.
She is in Shkodere.

It is good there.
Very good, the massage.

Your back would
heal faster if we had
some rubbing alcohol.

No alcohol.

[SPEAKING ALBANIAN]

[BERISHA SPEAKING ALBANIAN]

[LULASH SPEAKING ALBANIAN]

[BERISHA SPEAKING ALBANIAN]

I cured my niece's back.

Oh, you should've
seen her spine! It was as
crooked as your River Drin.

[CHUCKLING]
You should
see it now.

Oh, Lulash, hand me
my bag, please.

Your niece she
have a bad back?

Oh, wait till you see!

Here.

[SPEAKING ALBANIAN]

[SPEAKING ALBANIAN]

Oh, those are her cousins.
My niece is on the inside.

[SPEAKING ALBANIAN]

[SPEAKING ALBANIAN]

Your niece, she
is Chinese girl?

POLLIFAX: What?

Oh, yes, yes.
That is half.

My brother married
a Chinese girl
during the war.

The Korean War.
[CHUCKLES]

Lulash, you remind me
tell Colonel Nexdhet
get me rubbing alcohol.

[LULASH SPEAKING ALBANIAN]

You forget that

after General Perdido
returns tomorrow, there'll
be no more massages.

Oh, Perdido!

You know I am not
revolutionary like
Perdido.

Listen to me, Mrs. Pollifax.

You're foolish
not to play his game.

Otherwise, you will
never leave here alive.

Oh, General, I assure you
I don't want to die.

Then lie!Oh!

But I'm no good at it.

I forget what I was going to
say and I get all mixed up.

It's practice.

Albanians are expert liars.
And that's our teacher!

Yeah.

Yes. Colonel Nexdhet
was telling me that
my government

recognized Comrade Hoxha.

That is until he gave
your country first to
Russia, then to China.

Aah! Look, always
I salute like this.

He say, like this!

Aah, he say "Yes,"
I say yes.

He say, "Kill!"
I kill!No.

It's wrong to kill.

BERISHA: Not if it's the
only way to remain alive.

So, I salute Hoxha.

I do business with Perdido,
I survive! [LAUGHING]

[CLEARING THROAT]

Mrs. Pollifax,

it is time for
your exercise.

I am in charge
of prisoners.

Sergeant Lulash will
exercise Mrs. Pollifax
today.

As you wish, General.

And Colonel, when you
go to the village,

bring me a bottle
of rubbing alcohol.
A big bottle.

And some vodka.

Vodka, General?Yes, vodka.

[SPEAKING ALBANIAN]

What did he say?

You are to dine
with him tonight.

Sergeant Lulash,
I have an idea.

Let's turn this dinner
tonight into a party.

Oh, I don't know, lady.
General Berisha no say.

We'll make it
a Christmas party.But is summer, lady!

Sergeant Lulash.

I'll never see
another Christmas.

A tree.

We'll need a tree!

I don't know, lady.
General Berisha...

Since I may not be
with you much longer,

you may have
my niece.

And her cousins.

Thank you!

That one!

No, lady.
General Berisha will...I like this one.

[GUNSHOTS]

Where the hell
you been all day?

POLLIFAX: Just doing what
you told me to do.

Making friends.Oh.

Well, first I gave
General Berisha his massage.

Then, after that, we all
had a bite of lunch.

That's cozy, very cozy.

Then, while Lulash
went for my clothes,

I was permitted to take
a shower and shampoo
my hair.

And now I suppose
you're puttin' on
your glass slippers

and goin' to a ball,
right, Cinderella?

[SIGHS] They ruined my shoes.
Looking for microfilm,
of all things.

And it's a Christmas party.

I could've used
a few more pins.

The dispensary only
yielded six and then Stefan
came up with another two.

Yoo-hoo, I'm ready!What's that thing on your
head supposed to be?

Oh, this? Oh, it's
the lining from my jacket.Mmm.

It might please
them if I went sort
of, uh, Muslim.

Native style.

Oh, yeah. Sure.

I'm sorry, Farrell.

I did ask them if they'd
carry you into the guardroom,
but they refused.

Oh, it's all right, it's
all right, I understand,
no chaperones.

Well, so long as
half the team scores.

Now, remember,
hold up your end,

or is that
an awkward phrase?

Hello.Oh, good evening, Lulash.

Don't wait up for me.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[ALL CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]

[SPEAKING ALBANIAN]

[SPEAKING ALBANIAN]

Mirdita.
Is that a woman's name?

No, Mrs. Pollifax.
Mirdita is a place.

Oh, it's beautiful.
Charming.

Uh, fale minderes.

Fale minderes.
[LAUGHING]

Eee, fale minderes!
[LAUGHING]

ALL: Fale minderes!
[ALL LAUGHING]

What is the word
for friend? Mikgteis friend.

[TAPPING GLASS]

Dear, Mikgte...Oh, please, please.

[SPEAKING ALBANIAN]

Shh.
[SPEAKING ALBANIAN]

Tonight you are
all my mikgtes.

[TRANSLATING TO ALBANIAN]

Uh, fale minderes
for the beautiful party.

[TRANSLATING TO ALBANIAN]

I hope to be able to write
my children about it.

And that one of you
will be good enough
to mail the letters.

[GRUNTS]
[TRANSLATING TO ALBANIAN]

Oh, now no sad faces.

This is a Christmas party.
The celebration of a
beginning, not an end.

We must decorate
the Christmas tree and dance
around it. Excuse me, Colonel.

We'll all have to
contribute something.
Now, what can we use?

Ah, I give.
I give here.

Ah, here is fork!

[SPEAKING ALBANIAN]

Lulash! Aah, aah, aah!

Ah.

Cousins, yes.
Niece, no!

[LAUGHING]Now you, lady.
Now you.

ALL: Oh!

[SPEAKING ALBANIAN]

That's all right, Lulash.
Come, Help me. Stefan, too.

[INDISTINCT CHATTERING]

[LAUGHING AND SPEAKING
ALBANIAN]

[SPEAKING ALBANIAN]

[SPEAKING ALBANIAN]

[SPEAKING ALBANIAN]

[ALL CHATTERING
IN ALBANIAN]

May I help,
Mrs. Pollifax?Oh, no, please, I...

And now, we dance!

[ALL CHEERING]Wait, wait, wait.
First we must have a star.

Oh, star?

NEXDHET: No, Sergeant Lulash!

Not that star!

This one!

Oh, that's beautiful!
Perfect!

That's the Resistance
medal. Here.

Not copper.
Gold.

Ah, here.

Ah, music!

[MUSIC PLAYING]

No, no, no, I can't.
Oh, No, I...

[CLAPPING WITH THE TUNE]

[ALL CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

[SNAPPING]

[MUSIC PLAYING IN DISTANCE]

[CLAPPING WITH THE TUNE]

Dance with me.[MUSIC STOPS]

ALL: [YELLING] Hey!I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, Sergeant.
I'll have to owe
you a dance.

Keep thinking of
Mr. Farrell. I feel I...

Should share my
Christmas with him.

[SPEAKING ALBANIAN]Oh, here.

You like to
show him tree?

All right, but we have to
remove it before tomorrow,

when General Perdido
returns.Ah.

Just a little lie,
all right?[LAUGHING] All right.

First we tell little
lie and then we tell
bigger lie and...

Oh.

Hey, Lulash.

[LAUGHING]
You jump too high.
You losing keys!

Help Mrs. Pollifax
with tree.

[INDISTINCT CHATTERING]

Ah!

My knife, please.

Mrs. Pollifax!

This for you and this
for your friend, some
cheese and cookies baklava.

Oh, thank you, General.And now we drink a toast,

to our friend and leader,
Comrade Hoxha.

[SPEAKING ALBANIAN]

You will join us,
please?

No.

But I will drink to you,
and to the Albanian people!

I not drink to him either.

I not drink to anyone
who give our country
away to Russia, to China.

Sergeant Lulash,
you're drunk.

Hoxha didn't by himself
give us away.

General Berisha
no say no.

No, no, we give
ourselves to China!

Oh, why you say "we?"

Yes, we.I no say okay.
Stefan, he no say okay.

Hey, he no say okay.
Nestor, Nestor,
he no say okay.

If we give our
country away again,
give it to her.

Oh, thank you, Lulash.

I drink to the brave
and noble men of the eagle.

Fearless and free.

The brave and noble
people in the United States.

[SHOUTING IN ALBANIAN]

[SPEAKING ALBANIAN]

[SPEAKING ALBANIAN]

I will take you to
your cell, Mrs. Pollifax
and I will bring a tree.

Uh, no, General, please.

Remember your back.

Colonel Nexdhet
will take the tree.

Nexdhet?

Here is keys.

Thank you, General Berisha,

for the lovely party.

Sure.

Music, music.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[SIGHS] Can...

[SIGHS]

Colonel,

how long were you
in the Resistance?

Let's say I still am.

Thank you for
lending me the book.

May I keep the map?

It will not save you.

No one has ever succeeded.

The card?

No.Please.

I will destroy it.

Oh, no! Why?

To keep you from doing
something both stupid

and fatal.

So there are men born

who can frighten
the Albanians.

Well, Cinderella,

were you the belle
of the ball?

Since I was the only
belle there.

Well, what's the
scavenger found now?

Everything I came for.

Farrell, can you sit up?

Yeah. Yeah.We've got to celebrate.

Celebrate, huh?

Well, well, well.
Merry Christmas.

And a happy new year!Ho, ho, ho!

Look!

Some tourist.

Not a tourist!

But I'm not a spy either,
I'm just a courier.

Ah, ah, ah.
Carstairs will spank.

You can see now that
we have to escape.Yeah.

If you'll tell me what
kind of a gun this takes,
I'll try to get one tomorrow.

Now, two men will go down
tomorrow night for Perdido.

Once it's dark, we
can take the donkeys
and go down and hide

before they arrive.

Then when they get out
of the car and start up,
we'll take it.

Head north for Lake Scutari
and get a boat there and get
across to Yugoslavia.

Just one thing.
How do we get out of here?Well, we...

And where do I find
a Walther P38 automatic
to fit this clip?

I'll try...And three,

where's my crutch?

You know, I've been meaning
to tell you for a long time,

you're a hell of
a one-woman organization!

That means you're
not going with me.

No, you're going to have
to do this one alone.

Farrell, I...No, way.

No way.

[COUNTING IN ALBANIAN]

Morning, Sergeant Lulash.

No one to leave
fort today, lady.

General Berisha say
you exercise here
with men.

LULASH: [SPEAKING ALBANIAN]

[SPEAKING ALBANIAN]

Sorry, lady.

General Berisha very mad.

Somebody steal
General Perdido's brandy.

He sent Colonel Nexdhet
for new bottle.

When do I give
him his massage?

No massage today, lady.

Take car and go
alone to Shkodere.

[SOLDIERS LAUGHING]

You get yourself a gun?

No.Hmm.

Lulash wouldn't
let me out of his
sight all day.

Nice boy, Lulash.

Somebody stole my knife.

Stole your knife?
Really?

You all packed
and ready to go?

You're gonna wear a hole
in the floor out there
walking back and forth.

There'll be another
guard back here any
minute to pick up the tree.

Oh!

Oh?

What are you gonna do,
hit him in the head?

I told you.

Well, show me how.

Like that.

Like that?Yeah.

Do it again.

Okay?

Yeah, it won't work.

Why not?

Well, he'll see you
coming through the door.

Oh, yeah.

That's worse.

Here.

[GROANS]

Watch out.It's all right.
It's all right.

Try this.

That?Yeah.

Take it easy.
Farrell, your leg.I'm all right. I'm all right.

Here, give 'em a good
whack with this one, eh.

With that?Yeah.

Put this down.

Give a little whack.

Wait!

No, you never hit
a man in the gut.

You hit him
on the head.

Oh.

No, no. He'll still see
you coming through here.

Stand over here.Oh.

No, higher.
Higher.

That's better, all right.

Oh.

Shh!

Lower.

All right?

Good luck.
You better watch
out for him.

Anybody coming?

No.Good. Then watch this.

Now, watch.

Complete, with a
blanket around me.

[SINGING JOYFULLY]

I rehearsed.

I practiced all
night long.

I don't know how useful
I'll be, but I decided
to join your army.

Farrell.

You're gonna need all
the help you can get.

[LOCKS CLANKING]Uh-oh!

Remember...

Remember, hit him
on the head,

and follow through.
Don't stop in the middle.

That way.[GRUNTS]

Hit him again.

Maybe I killed him.
Oh, God.

Get his gun.

He hasn't got one.He hasn't got one?

How delightful.

Come on.
Let's get out of here.

Here.

[GRUNTS]

[GROANS]

[BELLS ON DONKEYS CLANKING]

The gun.

Cut the bells off
the donkeys.

The what?

The bells.Oh!

Shh!

FARRELL: Damn that moon!

Hurry up,
you goat herders.

[ALARM WAILING]

Hold it!

Lulash,

get your men down
to the foot of the cliff.

And don't come back
without the prisoners!

You...

You Albanian...

All right, get out of here.
Go on, beat it. Go on.

Hang onto me.

We can't climb
down there.

Let's go.

No.

Hold it. Careful.

Go on down.

FARRELL: All the way down.

[SOLDIER SCREAMING]

Phew! Come on in.

You first. Come on in.There.

[GRUNTS]

Slowly, slowly.
Now go slowly, Farrell.

Farrell!

Well, that's progress.

Shh! Look!

[GRUNTS]

[SPEAKING ALBANIAN]

Where you going?
Come back!

Damn fool!

[SHEEP BLEATING]

[GASPS]

[SPEAKING ALBANIAN]

Beads... You...
Pretty beads.

[SPEAKING ALBANIAN]

[SPEAKING ALBANIAN]

[SPEAKING ALBANIAN]

Understand?

[SHEEP BLEATING]

How's the atmosphere
down there?

Plenty Western.[LAUGHS]

Come on, sheep.
Come on, goats.

Come on, goats, come on.

You wanna know something?

Yeah.
When can I get up?

For a tourist lady from
Montclair, New Jersey,

you make one
hell of a nanny!

Thanks a lot!

No, I mean it.

You're one of the few
great broads that I've
ever known.

One of the few, eh?

Don't let it go to
your head, honey.

Come on.

Phew!

Are you okay?

I would be if I had
a gallon of water and
a pint of Chanel No. 5.

[CHUCKLES] Come on.

Fale minderes.

[PANTING]

Oops!Oh.

Keep your head down.

[HORSE NEIGHING]

Fan me.

[SPEAKING ALBANIAN]

Fale minderes.

Oh, boy.

[SPEAKING ALBANIAN]

[SPEAKING ALBANIAN]

Are they coming?

Huh?I can't see.

So much dust.

Lake Scutari can't
be too far.

It better not be.

[SPEAKING ALBANIAN]

FARRELL: We're out of gas.

Hang on.

Into the corn field. Hurry.

Lulash.

[SPEAKING ALBANIAN]

[LEAVES RUSTLING]

Wait here.

[GRUNTS]

[WHISTLING]

Where the hell are you?POLLIFAX: Here.

[CAR ENGINE STARTS]

They've gone.
Rest a minute.Yeah, but they'll be back.

They'll be back.Oh!

Oh, yes.

Thank heavens for that
bag of tricks of yours.

Hey, what's that mess?

Goat curd cheese, baklava,

cakes from the party.

You know, I think
I'll just have a little
goat curd cheese.

Not from Maxim's, but then
nothing is as I planned it.

Nothing ever is
in life, honey.

I'm sorry about your leg.

I didn't figure on your
walking like this, Farrell.

Yeah, well...May I?

Yeah. Help yourself.Bury this.

[YELPS]

Farrell, please...

I'm sorry.
Here, take another drink.

Yeah, yeah.
Don't waste good brandy
like that, woman.

[GRUNTS]

That leg was coming along
just fine and you decide
to anesthetize it.

Oh, Farrell, I didn't
mean it, really.

What are you doing
with that card?

It's safer here
than it is in my bag.

[SIGHING]

[COW MOOING]

I must say, knighthood
is still in flower.

That soldier back there,
did you kill him?

I tried to.

Oh, yes.

He played the zither
at the party.

Oh.[DOG BARKING]

Get back to it.

[SPEAKING ALBANIAN]

Come on. Come on.

Fale minderes.Leave the cow alone.
Come on, this way.

[SPEAKING ALBANIAN]

[SPEAKING ALBANIAN]

[SPEAKING ALBANIAN]

[SPEAKING ALBANIAN]

[SPEAKING ALBANIAN]

FARRELL: Well, it's
not much, but it floats.

ROGER: My mother, the CIA?

Easy, boy, easy.

You're screwy!
My mother's
Mrs. George Pollifax,

housewife,
club woman, patriot!

Mr. Pollifax... Roger...

I've heard about
you guys before.

I read the papers!

Time, Newsweek,
The Wall Street Journal.

I was afraid it was
going to come to this.

Hand me that
recorder, Mason.

POLLIFAX: [ON RECORDER]
But that's what I am,
don't you see,

a volunteer.

And I am expendable.

But I wouldn't have come
if I weren't prepared to
give my life.

Wake up.

Look, civilization.

Come on.

FARRELL: Shkodere!

That's where we are.

We're deeper in Albania
than when we started.

Oh, dear God.

Let me see that map.

Isn't that a river?

Yeah.

It flows all the way from
the lake to the Adriatic.

We'll have a current.

Let's take the boat.

How's the leg?

Still there.

We've come a long way.

You have.

I just limped along.

I told you we'd
make a good team.

[CHUCKLES]

Hold on.

Hang on.

[WAVES SPLASHING]

POLLIFAX: How much longer?

Farrell, you did beautifully.

Yeah, I did, didn't I?
[CHUCKLES]

[BOAT APPROACHING]

General!

PERDIDO:
Remember, I want them alive.

Farrell!

Look! There!

[SPEAKING ALBANIAN]

[SPEAKING ALBANIAN]

They're gonna ram us.

[SPEAKING ALBANIAN]

Lulash, you crazy?

To the left, to the left!

[SPEAKING ALBANIAN]

[SPEAKING ALBANIAN]

PERDIDO: [SHOUTING]
Lulash! Help!

Lulash! Come back!

[SPEAKING ALBANIAN]

POLLIFAX: [ON RECORDER]
When the freighter dropped
us at Dubrovnik,

I insisted Farrell
go to the hospital.

He made his usual
fuss and refused
to spend the night.

While I phoned you,
he talked to our consulate

in Belgrade to take
care of Lulash.

Later we caught the plane
to London and then home.

I think that's all.

FARRELL: [ON RECORDER]
Take your time.

POLLIFAX: Farrell,

did I leave out
anything important?

FARRELL: Yeah. You forgot
to tell them I love you.

POLLIFAX: Oh, stop.

[CHUCKLING]

Sorry to put
you through this,

but it's very important
to get it all down
before one forgets.

But I'll never forget it.

Not any part of it. Ever!

If you happen to
think of anything,
just give me a call.

Mason, give Mrs. Pollifax
my private number.

I don't know
how to thank you.

I know how you can.

How?Well, I have a niece I'd
like Sergeant Lulash to meet.

Sure, where do
we find her?

1766 Union Street,
San Francisco.

And her name?

Lotus Wong.

Get on that, Mason!
And clear the sergeant
through immigration.

Oh, thank you.
Thank you so very much.

Oh, by the way,
I think Colonel Nexdhet would
make a wonderful counter spy.

Mason!

Uh, Johnny, thank you again,

and after you drop
Mrs. Pollifax off

at the hotel, would
you give me a call?

Why?I have something pending.

Let it pend.
I'm gonna sleep
for a week.

Oh, Mason!

A little gift...Oh, my!

...from the man upstairs.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, and, Mr. Carstairs,
be sure to thank him.I will.

I don't mean to
be unethical

but the microfilm,
was it helpful?

Very.

It's at the White House.

White Hou...

[CLEARS THROAT]