Mr. Wrong (1996) - full transcript

Martha is a single woman working at a television talk show. When her younger sister gets married, everyone's wondering when Martha is going to meet Mr. Right and tie the knot. When by chance, Martha meets a handsome stranger named Whitman, the two fall madly in love with each other. But soon Martha discovers little quirks in Whitman... little quirks that become horrifying nightmares. But by the time Martha realizes that she must break up with him, it'll take more than subtle hints to make him go away -- she'll have to get into the most outrageous predicaments to rid herself of Mr. Wrong.

So, what have we got?

Well, what we know is
it's a woman, americana.

Una gringa.

Si, senor.

I caught her outside the church.

We have the weapon.

Oh, good.

We have a man in the hospital.

El pobre.
Poor guy.

And you have her back here?


Here she is.

Senora crawford.

The name is alston.
Martha alston.


I don't smoke.

You wanna tell us about it?

Uh, miss alston,

How does a woman like you
wind up doing something like this?

I don't know.

All i know is i was
31 and still single.

Go on.

And my sister was 25
and getting married.

It was a beautiful wedding.

I was really happy for her,
and i was havin' a great time.

That is, until all
the pressure started.

Well, i guess it
won't be long

Before we're shopping
for baby clothes.

Mom, they just got married.

And you'll be next.

Gee, mom, did you just find out
you had a year to live or somethin'?

Come on, jan.
Give the kid a break.

She's got a lot
going on in her life.

She's bright, she's beautiful,

She's got a great job, and
we're very proud of her.

- Thanks, dad.
- Sure, honey.

So are you seeing anyone?

All right.



Look at ann ie.

The one on the end is kinda cute.

He looks like jerry.

The one that cried the first time
you made love.

That was great.

Then i found out he
cried every time.

You know, men should be
required by law

To admit what's wrong with them
on the first date.


Don't worry, martha.

You'll be the next one.

Okay, aunt belinda.
Thank you.


She's drunk.

That is my 37th
"don't-Worry-You'll-Be-Next" tonight.

What is all this about pressuring
single people to get married?

I was married, and believe me,
marriage is its own living hell.

Look at them.

They're so happy and in love.

That is beautiful.


I give it a year.

Come on.

One day we'll have that.

You honestly believe that?

I do.
I really do.

On my good days.

And if it doesn't happen,
so what, you know?

I mean, i have a great life.
I'll be fine.

I'm gonna stop looking, 'cause
that's when it happens anyway,

When you're not looking.


We should just kick back
and let it happen,

If it's supposed to.

As a matter of fact, let's forget
the word "marriage" even exists.

Good idea.

At a wedding, forget
the word "marriage."

She's about to throw the bouquet!


Qu ickly!

We gotta catch it!

Okay, so i didn't catch
the bouquet,

And i didn't really care.

I didn't, until it
was valentine's day,

The lamest day on
a single girl's calendar.

I worked on one of those
early-Morn ing shows.

You know, the whole point is,
they've had their caffeine

But ya haven't had yours.

Anyway, that was the day
that it happened.

That was the day i met h im.

I've said it before.
I'll say it again.

Regis and kath ie lee, look out.

E-Flat in ten seconds.


We got six seconds left.

Yeah, you're a man who counts, marty.

H i, san diego!

Good morn ing, everyone.

We've got qu ite a love day
show for you.

One of your favorite
celebrity couples,

Mr. And mrs. Casey kasem
will be renewing their vows live...

Going good.

As always, dick's hair plugs
are mesmerizing.

Girl, leave h im alone.



Hey, missy, would you get sam tony
from perpetual artists

On the phone for me, please?

Just as soon as i put these
fabulous roses in some water.

They're from my fiance.

Do you want me to put some
in your office?

I'm sure my fiance wouldn't mind.

No, that's okay.

That' know, i'll just
call mr. Tony myself.


Yeah, that'll give you a chance
to put those fabulous flowers

In the vase, the ones
from your fiance.


There's no need to yell.

- Okay.
- Okay.



May i present mrs. Casey kasem.

Isn't she beautiful?



Could you just leave a message
for mr. Tony, then?

It's about the mayberry,
r.F.D retrospective.

We have gomer, but
we still need goober.

Yeah. Okay.

- Hey.
- H i.

I got everyth ing from
the video library for this, uh,

Tribute to famous
wh ite house pets.

There's some great footage of
h illary giving socks the cat a bath.

Oh, thanks, walter.
That'll be a big help.

And one more th ing.

For you.

Aren't you sweet?

Where'd you get that,
missy's desk?

Happy valentine's day.

Oh, thanks.

You look great today.

- You say that every day.
- Well, someone should.

Oh, you're sweet.

Sweet boy.

Sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet.

Come on.

You know, there is a time
for a hug to end.

Ya hug and then ya break.

Come on, walter.
You do this every week.

But i don't do this.

Oh, don't get on your knees.

Please get up.

I'm already down here.

Just run with me
for a second here.

Look, it's valentine's day.

Neither one of us has
a very special person

To spend valentine's day with.

I th ink that means something.

Hmm. Right, i agree.

No, i th ink it means that
it's a coincidence,

And besides that,
i have a blind date.

Please get up, walter.

Martha. Guess what.

You're the most wonderful
woman that i've ever known.

Now that i have found you, i'm not
going to let you get away that easily.

I'd like you to know that.

I'd like you to know that people
are now pulling up chairs.


Can you sit down, please?

Yeah, he's on h is knees.


She's looking.

Thank you.

Walter, it would never work.

Let's just...
let's not complicate things.



Martha, i have tony on two.

- All right.
- All right.

Hey, walter?

We're still on for that humiliating
defeat at air hockey tomorrow,

Aren't we?

Oh, yeah.


Oh, um, and i...
i, uh...

I reorgan ized your
whole rolodex this morn ing.

My name falls under the w's.

You're the most excellent dude.

- I almost wore that.
- Really?


My ph ilosophy is,

People are always gonna
need a place to live.

We just have to give
'em a reason to buy.

That's...that's very interesting.

I've always been able to sell.

Alw ays.

Why, i could even sell
an oven to an eskimo.

Do you mean a refrigerator?

Why would they need
a refrigerator?

It was wonderful
meeting you, martha.

Yeah, it was great.

Mmm, you smell so good,
so clean.

Oh, well, i showered yesterday.


Must be good, strong soap.

Uh, can i french-Kiss you?

N ight.

What, 7:25?

Okay. Thanks.


Hello there.

Th ink i forgot you?

No way.

Oh, my god!


Where is it?

There's the...oh.

Did you just play this song?

- Looks that way.
- Really?

Yeah. Really.



I was just gonna play this song.

I dropped my quarter.
I was lookin' for my quarter.

I love this song.

It's kinda funny.

Not the song.

The song isn't funny.

The song is sort of a bummer

In a cathartic, sexy,
romantic type of way,

If you know what i mean.

I don't believe i have a clue.

Are you lonesome?


Hey, why don't we go
and have some coffee

And moo goo gai pan?

I don't even know you.

I'm wh itman.

Th is is so funny.

I mean, i never do
anyth ing like this.

I'm...i'm kinda shy,
actually, so it's, um...

It's hard for me to feel at
ease with people right away.

Well, you're probably
not like those people.

You're different.

Isn't it strange?

I feel like i already know you,
and i don't even know what you do.

Oh, uh i'm an investor.

Like a banker?

Um, no, just
an independent investor.

I write a little also.

Do you?


How wonderful.
Have you been published?

Well, yeah, uh...

I have a book.


I'm sayin'
that a lot tonight.

Well, uh,

I could show it to you
sometime, if you like.

I would love to see it sometime.


Oh. Hey.
Look at this.

It's beautiful.


It is.


I'm...i just...i can't
believe any of this.


Uh, sometimes you have to just
trust what you can't believe.

After all, life is a
synchron icity of chance.


I, um...

I just wanna say, uh,
that i'm not...

I-I'm not looking to get
into anyth ing serious,

And i don't know if that's
what...i'm just...i just...

I just can't.

I'm not into, um...

I'm very busy, and, um...

What the hell am i saying?

I th ink i'm gonna faint.

I'll catch ya.


Well, i don't know.

It just made me th ink of this.

You can tell me.

When i was a little girl...
i was about six years old...

I was at home and my
parents were downstairs and, uh,

I look in the window
and there's a clown.

- A clown?
- Yeah.

He was totally happy
and smiling and waving at me,

And i thought he was a special
friend that god had sent to me.

I found out later that
the people next door

Had h ired h im for
their son's birthday

And he got the wrong house.

I know it sounds stupid,
but it meant a lot to me.

It was just so...

So happy and unexpected.

And happy and unexpected
doesn't happen that often, ya know?


Hey, i know.

These eight-Seed
bagels are good.

Did you get 'em
for valentine's day?

Uh, no.

What did you two do
for valentine's day?

Uh, we had ham.

I had kind of an
interesting valentine's day.

Just a date.

Oh, uh, isn't that n ice?

What's h is name?

Wh itman crawford.

Oh, uh, do you th ink
you'll be seeing h im again?

- Later today.
- Really?

He has a surprise planned for me.

He's...he's like that.

What's he do?

He's a poet.

And a very, very successful investor.


- When do we get to see h im?
- When do we get to meet h im?

Mom, dad, this is brand-New.
I just met the guy.

Don't be blowin' things
out of proportion.

He's brilliant.
He's handsome.

He's sensitive.
He's passionate.

He's funny.
He's incredibly sexy.

- Did you?
- Yeah.

- Did you?
- Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.


- Did you?
- Yeah.


God, i didn't even react that big.


That is so...all right.

Calm down. They're gonna hear.

Well, there's only
been one serious relationsh ip.

Uh, her name's inga.

- Inga?
- Yeah.

It didn't work out.

How 'bout you?

No, noth ing serious.

Why not?

I don't know.

I spent a lot of time
playing games

And dating other people
who played games.

Honesty is better, isn't it?


When you're not serious,
you should say so.


And when you are,
you should say so.


Oh, let's do everyth ing together.

Oh, yeah.

Would you like to hear some
of my poetry?

I would love to.

It's a little late to be
modest, isn't it?

Well, people who live in
glass houses better wear shorts.

Isn't that a saying
or something?

"The three-Fingered dawn
creeping slowly over the h ills

"And the footh ills
of one's cerebellum

"Bleeds profusely for the loss

"Of all one believes in.

"Souls unlit by flame,

"Untouched by passion
and unknown by others,

"Transported from one place

"To another...

"Places with in

"And without,

"Places we're
afraid to cry about yet

"Gladly call home like e.T.

"Still, though,

"The sh ip courses on,

"Through the blood-Red,

"Three-Fingered waters,

"Headed homeward

"Like a tired sailor,

"Headed homeward,


Towards love."


That was beautiful.

Wh itman, that...thank you.


Really, really beautiful.

Thank you.

Aw, geez,

It''s beautiful.



St ay aw ay
from my man, you hear?

Who is this?

My man, you bug!

You try to take h im from me
and i'll mess your butt up bad!

I th ink you have the wrong...

No, i don't th ink so.

Listen, missy, this is inga,
and you stay away from wh it.

Uh, consider this a warn ing, okay?

You got that?

- H i.
- H i.

Ooh, i'll sign for those.

Hey. I got your car detailed.

They didn't have new car smell,
so i got pina colada.

Oh, it's always good to have
your car smelling like

An alcoholic beverage, isn't it?

And, hey, do you want to
come over after work tonight?

They're doing
a "worst of richard burton"

Film festival over at san diego state.

We could see bluebeard
with joey heatherton.

Knock, knock, knock.
Look what came for you

From 1-800-Flowers.


Wow is...


What's that i hear?
Some wedding bells?


I th ink that's a little
premature, missy.

Could you get that phone?

I'll get the phone now.

H i. Ms. Alston's office.

Um, uh, the lunch order.

- Tuna on rye?
- Tuna on rye.


Yeah, those are n ice flowers.

H i, martha.

I got some really important...

Holy sh it!

Look, there must be at least,
what, five dozen roses here?



Th is guy is a keeper.

Ah, yeah.

So i guess this is all
over the office, huh?

Oh, yeah.
I told everybody.

You know what?

Sometimes...not very often,

But every once in a wh ile, we
do actually get what we want.

After all, life is a
synchron icity of chance, right?

Yeah, whatever.
Can i see the card, please?


Jane, with boyfriends
that you've had,

Have you had trouble with
ex-Girlfriends being jealous?

And they would be
jealous of what, marth?

Martha, you are just so lucky.

- Oh.
- Oh.

There he is.

There's wh itman.

Oh, look.
He's getting the door for her.


Oh, he's so thoughtful.

H i.

Hey, you two.

Hello, dear.

Th is is wh itman.

Th is is my mother
and my sister ann ie.

How do you do, wh itman?

How do you do?

Great to meet you.

I, uh, brought a little gazpacho.


Well, thank you, wh itman,
very much.

Uh, come in, please.

Just come in.

- He's cute.
- Thanks.

Here it goes.

Oh, my.

Th irty-Five years.

I don't know how
anyone makes it that long.

- Well, i was only 16 when we married.
- I tell you, wh it,

I th ink that's probably the best damn
gazpacho i've ever had ever tasted.

Oh, russ, no, come on.
But it is an old family recipe.


You want it, don't you?

I'll slip it to ya if you
have to have it.

Buy low, sell h igh?

You aren't gonna go wrong
doin' that, i don't th ink.

Thank you, dear.

That was lovely.

You were incredible
today, wh itman.

Did you enjoy yourself?

Yeah. It was okay.

Your parents are pleasant,
very wholesome

And funny in a special way.

I wasn't really being
myself, but that's okay.

You know how you always
have to present yourself

In front of people you don't know
or you try to make 'em feel good,

But is that good for you?

Is that good for your soul?

I don't know.
What do you th ink?

Well, i want you to be yourself.


Just be myself.

Just forever and ever?

Just...that is great.

That's why it's great to be
with somebody like you,

Somebody i can...i can be myself with.

That's so great.


I feel free.

I feel really free.

Hey, you wanna do somethin' fun?
Let's do somethin' fun, all right?

- Well...
- Come on.

It'll be fun.


Cha cha cha!

Wh itman, what
are you doing?

Mmm, just havin' fun.

- Wh itman, no. Don't.
- Hmm?


Come on.
Th is will be very fun.

No, it won't be fun.
Th is is not fun to me.

- Oh, really?
- No.

Stolen beers taste better.

I...wh itman, i don't
want to steal beer.

Yes, you do.

Oh. Thanks.

And once again, it comes
down to pastries.

Ding-Dong'll be all for ya?

It looks like it's it, homes.

- You all right?
- Yeah.

Just a little tummy ache.

Do you have any, uh,
antacid or anyth ing like that

For a stomach ache?

- No, we're out of antacid.

Come to th ink of it, a disposable
camera is a got-To-Have item.

I've got to have one.

You know what
i'm talkin' about.

- Here ya go.
- All right.

Well, why don't you
just keep the change

And we'll catch ya on
the rebound, homey?

Thanks again.

You stealin' from me, you sh it?

I gotcha!

Come on there.
Come on.

All right!

And smile!

Go! Go! Go! Go!

Hey! Hey!


He was serious.

He almost took a little
chunk outta you, didn't he?

That was fun.

Wh itman, that wasn't fun!

Yes, it was fun.

Come on.
Wasn't that fun?

No, it wasn't fun, wh itman!

Take a taste of this stolen beer.


Oh, you'll like it.

Come on. Take a taste.

You don't want any?

No, i don't.

All right.
All right.

The beer's gone.

See this?

Good-Bye, stolen beer.

Good beer.

Check this out.

- Aah!
- Whoo!

Wh itman!

He shoots!
He scores!

Wh itman, you h it that old man!

What can i say?
I'm in the zone.

I am going to love you tonight
'til you're drenched in sweat, baby.


Lou ie anderson, everybody.

Oh, oh, okay.
All right.

What are you talking about?

Th is guy sounds great.

I mean, he's smart, he's
handsome, he's successful.

But he threw a can of beer
at an old man.

Okay, so you're gonna break up
with a guy because he threw

A can of beer at an old man?

Why did he throw a can
of beer at an old man?

I don't know.
That's what i'm saying.

He loves '70s bands.

He loves r.E.O. Speedwagon,

Martha, the guy i'm going
out with loves monster trucks.

All right, no, he th inks sizzler
is a fine french restaurant.

Martha, he calls my
breasts "bazoongas."

All men are horrible
in their own way.

You just have to learn
to accept that.

Yeah. Maybe you're right.

I mean, maybe he's
just trying too hard.

There you go.
Tomorrow will be better.


Yeah, he says he has a special
surprise planned for me.

Hello, darling.

- H i.
- H i.

What happened to your other car?

Oh. Yeah.
Th is is just a little more me.

Here we go.

Hello, mother.

Hello, dear.


And this must be martha.

H i.


Let me look at you.
Turn around.


Good birth ing h ips.


And an adequate bosom.

Thank you.

Now, uh, later,
uh, we'll play charades.

Mother, when we start to play,
i was th inking that martha and i

Could be a team

And you and consuela
can play together.

How about that?

How about cheers?

It's a little easy, don't you th ink?

Mother is qu ite old, martha.

Let's give her a break.


Throw in a tough one.


Here we go.


Two words.

Great gatsby.


Ah, the first word.


Uh, martha.


You...uh, no.


Th ink we should go
to the next word.

Second word sounds like...



Ovary, dovary, fovary, hovary, uh...

Okay, yovary.


Ze ovary.

Z...french word for ovary.

Time's up!

What was it?

Madame bovary.


We almost had that.

The french, you know?

I thought it had
something to do with the frogs.

That's all right.

We're gonna do better next time.



Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm.

Good-Bye, dear.



Come home.


Mmm, all right, mom.


Martha, it was a pleasure meeting you.

- Well, thank you for having me.
- You'll make a lovely bride.

And i'm sure you'll give
my son a big bone-Fest

Of a honeymoon.


You may kiss me good-Bye.

Come on.

You can get in on
the next chorus.

- Wh itman?
- What?

Can we stop for coffee?

I th ink we need to talk.

You aren't still upset about
losin' at charades, are you?


She's a killer.


- She's good.
- Someth in' else?

Um, yeah.
Wh itman,

You are...

You're an incredible person.

I mean, you're really
somethin' else, you know?

Um, and i've...i've really
mostly enjoyed

The time that we've
spent together.

But sometimes it's
about chemistry, you know?

And...and sometimes chemistry
works and sometimes it doesn't.

Sometimes you get a...
get an explosion

Or...or a really bad smell.

You know what i mean?

It's not good.


You know how, um,
you feel about inga?

You know how, you know,
how she still loves you

But you don't love her?

How you used to love her but...
but you don't love her anymore?, look.

Here's good.

Th is is good.

I am salt and you
are pepper, all right?


Now, salt and pepper
goes together, right?

Sometimes, you know?

But doesn't have to.

You don't have to have
pepper with salt.

Sometimes salt goes alone.

Sometimes salt goes
with other herbs, even.

And i'm...i'm saying that i
wanna see other herbs.


I understand what you're saying.
And don't worry.

I'm not gonna let your fear
of intimacy destroy this.

I'm not.

You know, i won't do
what those others did.

I'm not gonna walk out on you.

I won't desert you and the kids.

I swear that, all right?

Wh itman.

- Okay.
- Know that.

Live with that.

Wh itman, we're not
gonna have ch ildren.

Jump off a cliff with me.

Take my hand and jump
off a cliff with me.

I don't wanna jump off a cliff.

Yeah. Yeah.

I wanna prove something to you.

Oh, please don't.

How much do you th ink
i love you?

I don't know.

Enough break
my own finger?

Oh, god.

I mean, do ya?

I mean, do you th ink that i love
you enough to break my own finger?

I don't know, and i don't care.

- I mean, tell me.
- It's hard to say.

Okay, fine. I do.

I can. I will.

Oh, no, don't.
Don't do it.



Oh, my god.


That's love.

Martha, i love you!

I'm gonna call you tomorrow.

Goin' too fast, i guess.

She'll sleep on it.

I'll try tomorrow.

You h ideous cur.

Who the hell are you?

Does the name inga
mean anyth ing to you?

Oh. H i.
How are you?

Uh, h i, i'm bob.

Here we go now.


Hey! Hey! Hey!

Hay is for horses, missy.

I love this woman,
and you're hurting her.

Stop seeing wh it!

You got that?

Okay. Fine.

Okay, you can go now.

Okay, fine, i can go now?

I don't th ink so!

Cut the couch, bob.

Don't...don't cut the couch.

Hey! Hey!

Hay is for horses, fish tank!

Want us to break up
your shower too?

Huh, do ya?


Then shut up and sit down!

What did you do together, huh?

Did you make it?

Look, you can have wh itman, okay?
I don't want h im.

He's all yours, i swear.

Oh, like suddenly
you're gonna blow h im off.

Drop the palaver, princess.

All women want wh it.

I know that.

You want some gum in your hair?

- No, i don't.
- Oh, okay.

Now, consider this
your last warn ing.

Next time, expect agony.

Come on, bob.

Sorry about that couch.

Um, we grabbed a couple of
snapples from the fridge.

I hope that's okay.


Bob, what were you
doing in there?

- Oh, i was just bein' n ice.
- Well, don't you dare!

Well, this sure sucks.

Hey, walter.

That one's due at 5:00
or 6:00 tomorrow morn ing.

Hey, walter.
What's up?


Um, the schedule for today's show.


And i'm goin' on a doughnut run
for dick.

You want anyth ing?

Oh, my god.

Martha, it's okay.

The ch icken!

I forgot to book the ch icken,
the san diego ch icken!

Martha. It's all right.

It's not all right!
It's a disaster!

He's a legend in this town!

How could i forget
the san diego ch icken?

Now i'm gonna have
to book the monkeys.

You know how much
dick hates the monkeys.

Martha, the ch icken is booked.
I took care of it.

I told them i was your assistant.
Dick will never know.

Oh. Thanks, walter.
You're the best.


You've got some faxes.

I'll get you a doughnut.



It's mom, dear.

Oh. H i, mom.

Honey, could you possibly
house-Sit just for tonight?

- Ton ight?
- Yes.

We're going up to your
aunt peggy's.

Mom, you have great timing.
I'd love to house-Sit.


H i.

Wh itman.

Can i...can i come in?

I'd like to come in.

- No, you can't.
- Yes, i can.

No, you can't.

Yes, i can.

- No, you can't.
- Yes, i can.

Wanna know why?

No, you can't.

I'm a special friend from god.



Wh itman, you are really
freaking me out here!

Isn't this happy?

Isn't this unexpected?

Wh itman, listen to me.

Wait, wait, wait.

Oh, you haven't seen my love dance.

I th ink i'm gonna go home now.

Did he do anyth ing to you?

Assault you in any way?

No, but i mean,
he dressed like a clown.

Do you know how scary that is?

He's got an ex-Girlfriend,
a crazy ex-Girlfriend, inga,

Who's, who's harassing me and,
and bob, her sidekick, a huge guy, bob.

Inga...check your clipboard.

Inga and bob.
Anyth ing for them?

We'll file a report, ma'am.

Good n ight, ma'am.

They...she stuck gum in my hair!

From what you've
told me, ms. Alston,

Th is guy is just your
garden-Variety compulsive type.


I've seen a million of 'em,

But i'll check h im out,

See if there's anyth ing
in h is background

That you should be alarmed about.


Mm, uh, in the meantime...

In the meantime,
just live your life.

Try not to worry so much.

Thanks, mr. Tramonte.

So i'm really sorry things
didn't work out with wh itman.

Well, you win some,
you lose some.

Yeah. I'm really sorry about that.
Really sorry.

You sound so genu ine.
Thank you for your concern.

- That's what friends are for.
- Aren't they?

- Damn shame.
- Okay.

That's enough of that, okay?

You know, i checked out
this opera we're about to see.

- Mm-Hmm?
- Mm-Hmm.

Turns out it's the touch ing
story of a young servant

Who goes through all these changes
over this older, rich master guy's

Would-Be girlfriend,

But the young guy ends up with
her in the end, oddly enough.


So it turns out
that the whole th ing

Could've been avoided
if she just...

Not that this resembles
your life in any way.


Then we wouldn't be here,
would we?

There would be no opera,
so it's good that...

Who wouldn't...shh.

That's enough.
It's starting.

You look terrific.

Th is is even better than
that padres game we went to.

Thanks for not bringing
that beach ball.

That would've been

Excuse me.

Oh, i saw a souven ir stand
up there.

Thought maybe we could
get some t-Shirts.

You be all right here?

Yeah. I'll be fine.
I'll see you in a minute.

Martha. Hey. Hey.

Excuse me.

God, no.


Martha, hey.

H i.

Hey, martha.


You won.

You wanted to make me
jealous, and you have, all right?

So let's just go now, all right?

Wh itman, no. No.
I wasn't kidding.

I said i don't wanna
see you anymore.

I don't wanna see you anymore.
Is that clear?

Loud and clear.

Okay, okay.

You want me to listen to you more,

To hear you more and stop
th inking only of myself.

So come on.
Let's go.

I'm not talking to you anymore, okay?

Come...come here.

Martha, don't walk away from me.

Don't walk away, martha.


Is this gentleman bothering you?

Excuse me?

I'm her soul mate.

I'm her lover.

- Oh, my god.
- There.

That one.

Don't try to understand what your
mind is too small to contemplate,

Okay, mr. Really n ice su it?

Get it?


I've made love to her,
mr. Really n ice su it.


And, uh, it was beautiful.

It was...come with me, sir.

Uh, okay.

Let's go.

He gets a monthly check
from a trust fund,

A very large trust fund...

50,000-Bucks-A-Month large.


Uh, he lived with h is mother
until six months ago.

He's had one serious relationsh ip
with inga gunther,

And this inga once
tried to assassinate

The rock temptress stevie n icks.

Oh, god. Oh, god.
Oh, god.

- Oh, god.
- What's wrong?

Oh, god. Oh, god.
Oh, god. Oh, god.

Oh, god. Oh, god.

Hey. Hey.
Take it easy.

"Oh, god. Oh, god."

- Hey.
- God.

Take it easy, will ya?
Come on. Sit down. Sit down.

You gotta help me.
You gotta get h im out of my life.

Do something.
I don't care what it is.

You can just...
just name your price.

Just do whatever it takes.





Now, this kind of action
that you're talking now,

Th is is gonna cost you big time.

What action?

Bumped. Rubbed.
Smoked. Iced.

- The big monkey.
- No!, i-I don't...

I don't want you to kill h im.

No. I didn't say that.

I said...i mean, i just want
you to talk to h im.

Can you talk to h im?

Oh. Sure.
Talk to h im.


Uh, you know, that doesn't mean
to break h is spinal cord, okay?

That means i just...i really
just want you to talk to h im,

Make h im stop bothering me.

Just...can you do that?

Hey. I can do anyth ing.

Th is guy is not gonna
bother you anymore.


Where's the zoo guy?

Come on. Please hurry.
We have a situation here.

All right, i will show...
everyone, calm.





Oh, my god.
The monkeys.


Who were the scheduled
guests on today's show, martha?

Linda evans, shari lewis
and that bodybu ilder,

Mr. Bikin i beach san diego.


What's going on?

"Telegram, miss linda evans.

In the interest of our viewers,
please stay home.


Signed, martha alston."

"Telegram to shari lewis.


I like my lamb chops raw.


Signed, martha alston."

"Telegram, mr. Bikin i beach
san diego."

Well, i don't have to fin ish that.

Why? What does it say?

You don't know.

No, i don't know what it says.

Tell me what it says, dick.

"Mr. Bikin i beach san diego.


Blow me, muscle man.

Signed, martha alston."

"Blow me, muscle man"?

I didn't send those telegrams.

Dick, you know i didn't send
those telegrams, right?

Now, look, martha.

We know that people have
been covering for you, okay?

I talked to the ch icken, okay?

But these, these...too much.


I didn't send those telegrams!

I di...wh itman crawford
sent those telegrams!

Jane, tell h im about wh itman!

Oh, wh itman is the guy
that she loves.

No! I don't love h im!

He's...he's trying to ru in my life!

Walter! You were at the opera.

Tell h im what happened at the opera.

She fainted.

Aah! No. He's insane!

He's ru in ing my life!

He sends me gifts every day.

He sent me a football.

He...h is butt got bigger.

Martha, we can't have any of this.

I need someone who
can handle this job.


Now, maybe...maybe it's
because of this new guy...

Dick, listen to me.

That you've been seeing has
been causing this, but martha,

That's not my problem.

Hosting this show is my problem,

And i need someone who can
help me to do just that.

What are you saying, dick?

I'm saying that you need to...

No, i'm saying you're
going to take some time off,

A long time off, okay?

I hope you can solve
your problems, martha,

But ya ain't gonna be doing it here.



Dick, wait.

Ladies and gentlemen,
please give a warm welcome

To the hosts of daybreak san diego,

Dick braxton and nancy culpepper.


Oh, h i, honey.

Thanks for coming by to see us off.

What do you...what do you mean?

Can't talk now, sweetheart.

The cab was late, and the cru ise
sh ip's gonna leave.

Thank wh itman for the tickets.

Mexico, here we come!

Good-Bye, honey!

- Bye!
- Bye!

You can't go!
I need you!


I'll go with 'em.
I'll go to mexico too.

That's what i'll do.

I'll grab a few things.
I'll meet 'em at the pier.

I'll stow away.
I'll swim if i have to.

Crazy idiot.


You plann ing on going
somewhere, miss alston?

You dick.

You stupid private dick dick!

What am i paying you for?

You said you'd keep h im away from me.

Well, keep h im away from me.

Do whatever you have to do.

Bump h im. Dunk h im. Ice h im.

The monkey!

The big mother-Lovin' monkey!


Do you want my
professional opin ion, miss alston?


Go with h im.

My opin ion, this is a sweet guy.
He loves you very much.

Go with h im.

Tell you something:

I talked to wh itman.

Okay. Stop talking.

Hey, you're not so special, sister.
You're like every other dame.

You don't know what you
want when you want it,

And you don't know what
you got when you got it.

Uh! No.

The truth hurts, sister.
Just my professional opin ion.

Okay, well, here's my
professional opin ion.

- You're fired!
- Ha!

You can't fire me.

I'm workin' for h im now.

- You can't do that!
- Oh, yeah?

Check out these.

Come on, little lady.

No. No.

Let's go see h im.


Little lady, come on.
We're gonna go see h im.

No. And don't call me little lady!



Hey, watch out!

Oh, look at that.

She's out like a light.

Flowers for miss alston?

That's her.

I'm here, big sister.
Ann ie's here.

It's all right.


Well, good morn ing, sunsh ine.

Oh, i've been waitin'
for you to wake up.

I've been here since it happened.


Oh, martha, it's a miracle
you weren't badly hurt.


Oh, honey, i th ink i understand.

You meet this wonderful guy.
Then you th ink you've lost h im.

Still, su icide?

But it's all right now.
You didn't lose wh itman,

And now you never will.
Never, never, never.

Now i've gotta go.

Stuart's waiting for me, just
like wh itman's waiting for you.

Who's waiting?



All righty.

You take good care of her,
wh itman.



Bye, sis.


Qu iet.

Here, listen to this.

I know you can show me.

God, you look sexy
in that little hat.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.



Stupid ring.



The su icide's loose!

Somebody help!

Hey! Stop!

Hey, you need a ride, miss?

Yeah. Yeah.

Here. Hop on in.

Oh, god.


You okay?

Go, go, go, go, go!

Martha? Honey?
I'm right here.

Don't leave the love zone.

Oh, thank you so...



I warned you not to
get in the way of a cosmic

Kind of love, witch ie.

Rest your head.

Don't be n ice to her!

Don't you be n ice to her, bob!

- I'm sorry.
- Pull her hair!


Just do it!


Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Ow. Ow. Ow.


Pull it harder!

What are you doing, bob?

Hold her down, bob!

Get her secure!

Make those knots n ice and tight!

What are you do...why are you
always putting sticky stuff on me?

Give me the ants, bob.

Ants? What ants?

Prepare to be consumed,
martha alston.

Prepare to be...

Oh, god!
They're dead, bob.

- They are?
- Yes, bob, they are.

Didn't you feed them?

I thought that you said
that you wanted them hungry.

Hungry, bob!
Not dead!

Now what are we gonna do?

We could, uh...we could,
uh, reschedule.

Like maybe next tuesday
is good for me.


Dream on, little beauty!

Guess we'll just have
to cut her heart out.

Are you okay with that?

No, bob!

I wanted her eaten by ants,

But this is obviously
the best we're gonna do!

Hold her down, bob!

Th ink about this, 'cause,
you know, the ant idea was good.

I kinda liked the ant idea.

Okay, we could...


- Wh itman!
- Wh itman! - Wh itman!

Put the kn ife down, inga.


She's in the way, wh it!
Don't ya see that?

No, inga, you're in the way.
Martha and i love each other.

We don't. I don't.

We are going to bu ild a life
unto each other.

If you try to get between us,
i'll put you out the door.

Now, for the last time,
put down the kn ife.

Never! Never!

God, you're bitch in', wh it.

Ooh, save her!

Don't let h im take her!

I can't let
you take her, wh itman.

Don't make me shoot you, too, bob.


Maybe i should call aaa.

No, i'm not a car, you...

Ow! Ow! Ow!

Ooh-Hoo-Hoo hoo!

Th ink about something else.

Not n ice!

Not n ice.

I'll get you, you tramp!

I love you.

Oh, inga's gonna be just fine.

Put me down.

No, no, no.

Last time i let you out of my
sight, there was a su icide attempt.

What was this, some
kind of human sacrifice?

You need taking care of, dear.

Wh itman.

- What is this?
- Th is is an r.V., Honey.

- Whose r.V.?
- Ours.

I thought we could
use a family veh icle.

- For what?
- For our little family.

Say hello to mama, kids.

Hola, mama.

That's little n icole,
and that's cody.

Aren't they cute?

They're consuela's kids.

You remember.
Mom's housekeeper.


Oh, god, wh itman.


Well, i know what you're th inkin'.
I always do.

You're th inkin', "wh it,

How come we aren't
having kids of our own?"

Well, they're just to prime
the pump a little bit.

We're gonna begin our own family
just as soon as we are married.

- Si.
- Yeah.


That's right.

In six hours, you and i will
be wed in los cabos, mexico,

At a beautiful little church
called saint margaret of the goats.


No pesky blood tests
to slow us up there!

Ah, let's get on the road.

Here we go!

Okay, that's it.

Ch ildren, come with, uh, me...

Uh, poqu ito little ch ildren, um...

Nos vamos a quedar aqu i.

No, you don't understand.

No, little mother.
You don't understand.

Are you kidding?

Little jokie?

El joko?

No more questions, little mother.

All right, all right.
Come on.

Let's break it up.

Issues of control
happen when we're tired.

Can't you see, kids, that your
mother is just all worn out?

Don't be like that.

I don't know what you
did to these kids,

But i am gonna find a way out
and take 'em with me.

I am.

You're not gonna get away with this.

Honey, you don't understand.
Th is family is a legend in the making.


I mean, just look.

It was an act of fate
that we even met.


You wanna hear how
your mother and i met?

Yes, dad.

I was in a bar,

And i played her favorite song.


By accident.

Yeah, h it the wrong
button, but from that point on,

We were on each other
like a couple of weasels.

Moral of that story is,
accidents are the dirt

That legends grow out of.


Come on, honey.

You look lovely in the clothes
that i picked out for you.

I feel funny.

Do ya?

Well, i took the liberty of
slipping a little relaxant

Into your water.

I thought you might be
a little tense.

Now...oh, that's
noth ing scary, darling,

Just a little mixture
that i came up with:

A little, uh, chamomile
and some, uh, l.S.D.

Okay, that would w...

That would be why i'm
seeing worms on your face.

Kids! We're gettin' close!

All right, dad.


So when i...when i was
drinkin' the...the...the...the...

The tea?

You're gettin' in touch
with your joy.

Oh, you're gonna get
me started now.




God, it's good to have you back!

I'm gonna kill ya!

No, you're not.

Yes, i a...

No, you're not.

I'm gonna kill ya.

Whoa, well, i'll just
have to love ya as a ghost,

And, uh, you could have
dreadlocks like whoopi goldberg.

Did you like that?

I'm gonna be sick.

Well, in sickness
and in health, dea...

No. Whoa.

Now, that's a little...

Come here.

Now, we don't really walk...

Uh, okay.

Oh, uh, kids, kids!

Mommy, where are you going?


N icole.

Go on outside and find a lizard.

Be qu ick.

Where's mommy, n icole?

She's wash ing her hands
and face.

I th ink she's having
a bad trip, daddy.



It's martha.

Oh. Yeah.

I wanna congratulate you
on your wedding, martha.

Your happiness means a lot to me.

Shut up.
Listen to me.

Shut up.

Here's what i want ya to do.

I want you to get on a plane.
Just get on a plane and fly fast.

Come to, uh, los cabos.

Los cabos.

Buy a gun and meet me
at a church.

Wh itman said you might
try something like this,

That you'd do anyth ing to
sabotage your own happiness.




Saint margaret of the goats.

Martha, you're gonna have to speak up.
I can't hear.

You're gonna have
to speak up a little.

I can't hear you very well.

It's a little noisy here.

I need you to speak up
a little louder for me.

Th is is the operator.

Your time is up.

If you want to continue,
please make another deposit.

Hello? Hello?

You look beautiful, senorita.

Thank you.

Let's go out now.

Oh, you look beautiful, dear.

Oh, this is the happiest day
of my life.


Father, help me.

Bienven idos, damas y caballeros.

Ya que el novio esta ancioso...


I get the point.
It's bigger than me.

You've worn me down.

Maybe this could work.
What the hell am i saying?

I've gotta get out of here.
I've gotta get out of this.

Th is can't happen.
Can it?

Wh itman, aceptas a martha
como tu esposa?

I do.

Martha, aceptas tu?




Gimme that!

Drop the gun, n icole.

Drop the gun!

N icole, drop the gu...

A water pistol.

Heads up, everybody.

She's on pharmaceuticals.

Oh, martha, on your wedding day?

Oh, put that gun down, martha.

Th is is no time for playing games.

Now, you go right up
there this minute.

Stop that tapping.



Honey, it's gonna be all right.

Stay back!
Don't touch me!


I wasn't gonna tell ya, but
i just bought us a big boat.

Stop talking.
Stop it.

Imagine the next...

Be qu iet. Please.

Two solid years at sea.

Just you and me...

Stop talking, wh itman.

Mother and consuela.

Listen to me.

Stop talking.

Imagine the charades.

Imagine the natural ch ildbirth.

- Shut up!
- Ow!

Oh, martha, my love. Ow.

I have a gun.

Wh itman, you have to listen to me.
Listen to me.

I want my life back.
You hear me?

I miss my life.

It was a beautiful life,
and i want it back.

I want myself back.

So for the last time, wh itman,
it's over, you understand?


Over, over, over!

Over! Over! Over!

Martha, are you saying it's over?

Gimme the car keys, wh itman.
Gimme the keys now.

Martha, you don't need car keys.

You just need a great big hug!

Come here!

So i shot h im.

I mean, i can't
believe it myself, but...

I shot h im.

I mean, what choice did i have?
You know?

He ru ined my life.
He kidnapped me.

He drugged me.

You can understand that, can't you?


Maldilta mujer malvada.

Que sl entendemos?

Claro que sl.


Oh, we understand.


You shot your husband,

You snooty, h ighfalutin,
go-To-Town bitch!


I'm taking you in.



Esta adentro, la asesina esa.



Hey! shot wh itman!
You can't do this.

You didn't shoot
wh itman crawford.

Th ink back, pilgrim.

You were standin' in the aisle,
and you had the drop on h im.

Gimme the car keys, wh itman.
Gimme the keys now.

You don't need car keys.

You just need a great big hug!

Oh! Oh, no!

How do you know all this?

Bob told me.


Hey, guys!

I been figurin' this out, and i
th ink they're gonna be watch in'

The main roads, so you'd be
better off cuttin' cross-Country.

I gotta get back to inga.

She's been doin' tequ ila shots.

Probably down to the worm by now.

So long, kid.
Thanks, bob.

Don't get me wrong.

I love inga, but i couldn't
let you take the fall.

Of course, this doesn't mean i
won't help my baby hunt you down!


Love's weird.

I know.

Vaya con dios, martha alston.

Adios, bob.

Gotta go,
gotta go.

Thanks for bein' there for me
when no one else was.

Okay, martha, there's a time
for a hug to end, and this is it.

Come on.
We gotta get outta here.

Come on.

Sorry i could just get one horse.


You know, they hang you for
stealin' horses around here.

Are you limping?

Oh, no.

I just twisted my ankle in the church.

Come on. Get on the horse.

No, i'll walk.

Yeah, i insist.
Come on.

Get on the horse.

Thank god.

Wow, this is romantic.

Two people separated by chance finally
reun ited, going off into the sunset.

It reminds me of an affair to remember
with cary grant and deborah kerr.

Walter, she can't walk.
She gets run over.

No, but i mean,
uh...all right.

All right.

What about casablanca?

Humphrey bogart, ingrid bergman.

Walter, she leaves h im.

What about gone with the wind?

He leaves her.


What, uh...

What movie ends with two people
ridin' off in the sunset?

Don't worry about it.

It doesn't matter, walter.
You know why?


Because the sun sets in the west,

And we're supposed to be
heading north towards the border.

Oh, yeah.

Well, can't we just turn
right when the lights go out?

- I mean, this is kinda n ice.
- Yeah, it is n ice.

Blinding, but it's n ice.