Mr. Wonderful (1993) - full transcript

Electrician Gus gets the chance to fulfill a childhood dream by buying an old bowling-alley with some of his friends. Unfortunately, due to the alimony payments he has to make to his ex-wife Leonora, the bank refuses to loan him the down payment. Knowing that when she marries again she loses her alimony rights, Gus tries to speed things up by bringing Leonora together with all the potential husbands he can find. Although this approach isn't very successful, it awakens feelings in both of them they didn't know they still had.

I'm flying.

I'm flying
over the city at night.

There's lights,
all different kinds of lights.

I'm checking all the bulbs,

and I get to this one big
silver light bulb,

and it's busted,
and it won't turn on,

and I can't fix it.

Oh. There's this
big slot machine, you know,

and, uh, it's live,

and I keep
feeding it quarters,

and I get a shock,

so I check the cables,

and the cables
are sticking out of my chest,

and they're attached
to my heart,

and I want to-
I want to yank them out,

but my arms won't move

because they're-
they're just frozen.

You know how you...

it's a stupid dream.

It woke me up.

what woke me up.

It's an alimony dream.


It's obvious
it's an alimony dream.

No. That's a nightmare,

and I don't need to go
to sleep to have it.

Is that me or you?


The body of christ.

The body of christ.

Excuse me.

The body of christ.

Excuse me.

What do you think
you're doing here?

She happens to be
my goddaughter, too.

No. You don't belong
to this family anymore.

What do you look like?

"Gus don't pay me
enough alimony

to buy decent clothes"?

You're supposed to believe
in these things to be here,

which you don't,
as we know,

so why don't you
do me a favor, huh?

I was invited.

By who? Of course
you weren't invited.

I got an invitation.

You got an invitation
don't mean you're invited.

The polite thing is
you don't show up.

Yeah, well, I did.

Is that your girlfriend?

Whoa. Just a minute.

You don't talk to me,
I don't talk to you.

That's really mature.

Yeah, right.

Give me a big smile.

I got to go.

Why don't we go
over to your sister's?

Are you kidding me?
If she sees my car,

I?II have her lawyer
breathing down my neck.

Don't you pay
what you're supposed to?

What? What?

I'm just asking.

This woman
feels trapped-

in the neighborhood,

trapped as my wife.

She leaves me,
goes to college,

and here's the joke-

she leaves, I?m trapped
to pay for it.

"Supposed to"
don't come into it.

You don't have
to shout at me, Gus.

I know. It's just...
I look at her...

I just have to see her,
and I go nuts.

You never told me
she was so beautiful.

You think
she's beautiful?

She looks like a slob.

No. She looks good.

Who's driving? You see?

No. Why?

You wanted to go.
Let's go.

How was it?

I don't see this guy

and in 10 seconds,
I want to kill him.

Anyway, I did it.
My hands are shaking, but...

I like that you
waited for me.

I know-for a change,
my waiting for you.

I didn't mean that.

How long do you have?

An hour. About an hour.


What are you
waiting for?

I mean,
drive faster!

I used to bowl here
when I was a kid.

First place my old man
took me to.

Now look at it.

You know
this place?

I bowled here.

So did I.

When was
you there?

When I was a kid.

Jesus. It's macaroni
down there.

Don't stick your head
down in the hole.

Use your tester.

Hide your wallets.

Here comes your
investment counselor.

Oh! Pope.


I got to talk to you
about the turkey deal.

I don't eat turkeys.

You don't have to.

Am I a martian
or something?

I can't explain
a simple idea?

Buy turkeys cheap,
sell them expensive.

It's like commodities-
rubber, coffee.

We buy turkeys.

What's so hard
to understand there?

You guys are a trip.

Every week you got
a different scheme.

One of these days,
we'll be over on easy street.


Hey! Hey, Gus!

I need that car,

Hey! Bring it in!


All right.
How about it?

Forget it.

Hey, Gus, come on!
Hey! I'm paying cash!

You said 50,000?


Take a look
at these forms.

Bring them to third floor

Look for the signs that say
"to radiology".


Gus: Uhh!

Uhh! Uhh!

Sign here for me,

I got to get
straight back.

Kiss me.


This is a hospital.

I know. Your kisses
make me better.

I'm working.

Isn't there, like,
a closet

we could
go play doctor in

or a gurney
we could lay down on?

Why didn't you come over
before my shift?

I was working.

Rita, you know
I like to clean up.

I smelled
like a freaking sewer.

I got a shower-

you want to
take the elevator

back where
you came from.

Follow the signs,
go to the third floor.

Push me.


They'll think
I?m a patient.

You got my message
about Friday, right?

Yeah. Okay.

If I stop
paying alimony,

that company's
in big trouble.

What about Saturday?

Saturday, I?m on nights.

This relationship,
I swear,

you need a degree
in planning.

If we had a place-
I know this subject is taboo-

this would not
be a problem.

C- co...
can you say this word-


C- c-c-c-c...
m- m-m-m...


Which way
is speech therapy?

Get out.

I?m only kidding.

All right.

You got the keys?


Look at this place.

Where are the lanes?

In the basement.

That sign alone
is worth something.

Oh, man,
this is great.

Be careful
in there.

You see, this to me
is beautiful.

Say this goes wrong.

It's not like
turkeys, Harv.

You screw up
with turkeys,

it's sandwiches
your whole life.

You screw up here,
do lots of bowling.

You can't like a turkey,
you know.

You can't feel for them.

It's like those
things in the necks,

the como se llama

You go
into business,

it's got to be
something you love.

My father loves dresses.

My uncle adores
surgical supports.

What has love got to
do with it anyway?

That's what it is.

Man, they are

I spoke with the realtor.

I can make
a good deal.

This place
is in foreclosure.

Any decent offer,
the place is ours.

The only problem
is electrical work.

Somehow, I think
we can manage.

No, no.

We could be very
comfortable with this,

very comfortable.

I quit.


No, no. Hypnosis.

Amazing. 100 bucks-
whew-completely clear.

You paid 100 bucks
to a hypnotist?

I spend $100 a month
on cigarettes.

After one month,
I?m in profit.

When did you quit?


Hey, pork chop!
Easy with the floors.

This may be
our livelihood.

Star lanes.


Star lanes.
Stars got 5 points.

There's 5 of us. Huh?

Star lanes.

a terrible name.

What was its name?

If there's only one,
it's the bowling alley.

It's huge.

It needs more lights.

Big deal.
Needs more everything.

Going to be
lots of work.

This is
a lot of work

we'll do
for ourselves.

This could be

This could be great.

Fellas, fellas,

polish up
your bowling balls

and leave everything
to me.

Star lanes.

I like it.

I was just thinking...

I got an uncle in Gloverston
who makes shoes.

I could talk to him
about making bowling shoes.

We know lots of people
between us,

carpenters and stuff.



I'm dreaming.

Why do you say that?

Where am I going
to find my share?

Each month,
you set some aside.

Take out a loan.

It pays for a fatal
disease I got

called an ex-wife.

I don't figure alimony.
You pay that forever?

A new car, you make
36 payments, it's yours.

I keep paying unless
she gets married again.

So there's your solution.

Find her
another husband.

That's a good one,

Put that in
the suggestion box.

Gus, um...

Does-does Rita like you
to wear aftershave?


What do you
make of this?

It's okayay.

How about this?

What is this,
a promotion?

Let me see
the other one.

Just, uh,
which one's more me?

Ok. I'll tell you.

Pope, listen.

Some women
like us better

without any
of this crap.

Soap and water.

Yeah, but I want to
smell good, you know?

Who's the owner of this
important nose, anyway?

She works
with my brother.

Is she Italian?


Italian girls
are killers.

She's not Italian.

Start saying
a Hail Mary

and see if
she moves her lips.

Hey. Think about my idea.

It's not telling her
to marry somebody.

Arrange for her to
meet somebody.

You think she's dumb?

She could fit your brain
inside her brain

and still have room
for a bowling ball.

Do me a favor.
Don't mention it again.

I'll see you tomorrow.

We already made you
a loan,

and we're garnishing
your salary

until you catch up.

What am I, a salad?

I've been with this company
for 8 years.

Doesn't that
count for anything?

I'm sorry,
mr... Demarco.

It's tough times.

What about a payment plan?

That's what you've got.

What about a payment plan
for my payment plan?


I guess not, huh?

Hard times?

What does he know
about hard times?

What does he know?


Pope: Please
don't hassle him.

Gus, there's a time
problem on this deal.

We got to know
if you're in or out.

I'm out.

He's not out.

He ain't in.

What about
Pope's idea,

find some
sorry sucker,

marry off
your old lady?

There are people who
take care of these matters.

you getting in?

He's deciding.

Let him decide

Nick Lippi
lost his wife.

What about him
and Leonora?

He's a dope,
and he's free.

He's not a dope...

and he's not free.

Hey, hey, my friend,
give us a break.

Hey. Give us
a break.

There are other people
interested in this venture.


We got to
let him know.

Lou Cassells.

Let's give him
another week.

Lou Cassells?

What if we give him
another week?



Um, yeah. I was-

where are you
going for lunch?

Where are you going?

If I knew
where you were going,

I?d know where
I was going,

where we might
auspiciously collide.

Well, across the street.

Oh. That's amazing.

That's where
in one minute

I?II decide to go.

Come on. Come on.

grab something.

Did you
sleep with him?


Did you or not?

Hi, Joyce.

He's cute and all,

but I?m
telling you...

hey, baby.

Go on ahead.
I'll catch up with you.

What are you doing here?

You can't take it

now that the shoe's
on the other foot.


Embarrass me
with my people,

I embarrass you.

I am not embarrassed.

Who's the guy?

What guy?
Those are girls.

The guy with the library
under his arm.

I want to talk to you.

I'm busy.

I thought you college kids
were permanently on vacation.

You know,
I have a job.

You know this.

I pay $12,000 a year
just for tuition.

I pay $12,000
just for your tuition.

Think I want your money?

Do me a favor.

Marry some other bastard
and screw up his life.

I'll pay back
every cent.

You won't pay me back
because you don't care.

I got something going.

I bet that guy
can't even change a fuse.

Look, I don't want
to fight with you.

I'm talking about
5 minutes of your time.

This is the chance
of a lifetime.


I got this
golden opportunity.

Listen to me.

Remember that bowling alley
we used to go to?

Bowling alley?


You know what's
astonishing to me?


I see you, I think,

"I knew him from the day
I was born.

"I thought I loved him.

I went to church
and married him. "

I think, "how? Why?"

Oh, christ.

Was I mentally ill?

Was I completely

You know-
you know something?

Who gives a shit

whether you can
change a fuse

if the wires aren't
connected in your head?

Do you follow?

Of course not.


I just can't-
I can't tell you

what it feels like
to me

to know that there's
so much to know,

so many...

what am I
trying to say?

I walk into the library,

and I think because
I read all this stuff,

and I haven't even
scratched the surface,

and you can laugh at me,
but it makes me dizzy.

I'm not laughing.

Listen, I go dizzy.

I run to the car.

I'm running to
get to my car

to come here.

When I say "run,"
I mean "hurry. "

Don't think you have
any power over me.

Listen. I look at you.

When we make love,
I look at you.

Tell me
I have to go now.

No. I don't want to.

I don't want you
to go anywhere.

Right, right, right.

When I make mine,

I get water,
sort of, like, puddles,

under the spaghetti.

I heard they use

the thing
from the bull-

its thing.

What thing?

The tassel,
to thicken the sauce.

They call a bull's penis
a tassel?

That's what
they call it.

the chips?

You need beer?


Your tassel pulled?

I tried the bank.

I tried my uncle.

I'm high one thing,
I?m low something else.

It's the squeeze.
My leverage is poor.

Who the fuck knows?

I called my nephew
the ex-priest.

I can't borrow
from him.

Not to borrow money,

to date your wife.

Hey! What is it
with you guys, huh?

I can't introduce
2 lonely people?

The answer is no.

she's not my wife.

Ex-wife. What's
the difference?

Once married,
always married.

That's what
they taught us.

Yeah? Who taught you,
the priest or ex-priest?

Dante's driving me mental
about this operation.

He's having
an operation?

No. I'm having
an operation.

I got a gallstone.

I'm having an operation.

He can't sleep
for the worry.

I wish
I could get Gus

to worry about me.

This guy,
love him less, Rita.

You love him less,
he'll love you more.

How do I do that?

I'm sorry, but I think
Leonora poisoned the well.

There are 3 sides
to every story-

his, hers,
and the truth.

What is that
supposed to mean?

Oh, honey,
it's history.

They were kids.
He's still a kid.

Hannah's right.
He should thank god for you.

It's not history.

He's embarrassed

because he can't
go in with his friends

because of the alimony.

He's too scared
to live with me.

These men,
they can't help it.

That's one race,
and this is another.

Oh, god.

Now she's crying.

Oh, sweetheart.

Come on.

Come on.

Cry on those.


But this is my gnocchi.

She cries on these
and feeds them to Gus.

He swallows her tears,

means he'll never
break her heart.

Now I heard everything.

It works.

I still got wedding cake
under my pillow.

We been happy 28 years.

What wedding cake?

A piece
of my wedding cake.

Like, crumbs?

No. It's in a thing,
a little silk purse.



Excuse me.

I'm looking for a woman.

Leonora Demarco.

She's working
in the potting room.

That's the second door
on your left.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Why this feeling?
Why this glow?

Mr. Wonderful?

Excuse me?

Funny face
seeks mr. Wonderful.

I guess I got
the wrong guy.

Yeah, you got the wrong
guy, all right.

You looked like you were
looking for someone.

Aquatic greenhouse,
3:00, and...

no. Sorry.


It's okayay.

Hey, it's the perfect
job for you.

You hate cleaning,
and you hate kids.

What is your problem?

Do I come and bug you
at your place of work?

You're right.
I'm a jerk.

Listen, I just came
to apologize

I was being a jerk,

and I?m sorry.


And nothing.

for the record,

I never said
I hated kids.

You did.

I love babies.

But, anyway.


So I was wrong
about the babies.

I'm sorry.

I'm kind of sorried out.

Hey, look, I don't
want to bother you,

but out of curiosity,

what are they
paying you here?


It's poop and scoop.

I can see that.

Listen, I spoke
to uncle Bruno-

what do you mean,
you spoke to uncle Bruno?

The deli
would pay you more,

which means I could
pay you less,

and you won't
feel guilty.

We could be happy

and forget
all this bullshit.

You have any idea
the strings that were pulled

to get this job?

Nothing could drag me back
to that neighborhood.

You were always
ashamed of me,

of where you come from.

You dumped me.
You're still a guinea.

I didn't.

I must be delusional.

I must be thinking
of some other girl

who walked out.

Are you mr. Wonderful?

No, no, no.
This always happens.

You're mr. Wonderful,

Funny face?

I'm not funny face.

You're mr. Wonderful.

You're meeting a lady.

So what's going on?

She's waiting for you.

She probably left.
You better hurry.

Hey, thanks!
Thanks a million!

What was that


A little hobby of mine.

You have no hobbies
you can't bet money on.

That's what you think.

This bugs me.

We've changed.

I could find you
the perfect guy.

You should let me.

No. I'm serious.

I found somebody,
and I?m happy.

I want you
to be happy, too.

You want to find me
a job and a man?

What next? Wash
my underwear? No, thanks.

We got
an attitude problem.

We're divorced. We won't
split up over it.

You live in a pigsty.

You dress like a bag lady.
You break my balls.

If you want to know,

although it's none
of your business,

I have a date now
who likes my attitude

and likes the way
I live and dress.


Lee, how are you?

George, I?d like you to
meet one of my students.

Lee, this is
my son George.


Hi, George.

I'm sorry
about this.

I'm sorry.

It doesn't matter.
Don't worry.

It does matter.

It does matter.

Now I?ve made you sad,

and I-

George: Daddy!

Oh! Uh!

Let daddy help you.

Come around
the garden with us.

I don't think so.

Come on!

How can
we persuade lee

to walk around
the garden with us?

I'll see you
in class, professor.


Oh... well.

Mr. Wonderful:
I was worried.

"Oh, no.

She's not going
to show up. "

I was waiting for you.

Why did you choose
funny face?

Don't throw your
cigarette in there.

I wasn't planning to.


Because I like
those turtles.

Yeah. They know
how to live.

Swim around,
mate for life.

They don't.
I think it's swans.

What do you get,
divorced turtles?

I guess it's rough.

There's plenty of fish
in the sea.

Not too many turtles
in this pond.


you better get going.

You don't want
to miss your date.


Your date.

It's tonight.

Oh, now it's tonight?


Your date right now
is tonight?

Ok, so who's
this perfect guy?

Excuse me?

This guy you're hot
to set me up with.

Got a problem
with a working guy?


So you'll meet him?

I don't know.

Hey, great.

Calm down.
I said maybe.

I'll see you later.


Hey, lee!

I'll find you
a mr. Wonderful!

Yeah. Right. Okay.

I'll hold my breath.

Hey, Marlon.

What's up, fella?

How you doing?

Sandwich looks good.

Your wife make it?

One of the beautiful things
about marriage, huh?

Mills, you dead
or still single?

I'm a bachelor, Gus.

It's terrible,
the junk he eats.

I got a solution.
I know this chick.

She's funny, really funny,
and smart.

Look, I don't know, Gus.

If she's smart,
I?m not smart.

You know what I?m saying?

She's not a super-brain
or anything.


Hey, Harry,
how you doing?

What are you eating?

You want a bite?

No. They go right
to the love handles.

They're only love handles
if you got someone to love.

Got someone?

2 somebodies.
That's my problem.


This is a disaster.

Every one of these guys
is married.

You guys want
some of this?

No, thanks.

It's excellent.

Try it.


Yeah. Thanks, Mike.

Mmm. This is
great meat loaf.

I made it myself.

No kidding?

No. I cook
all the time.

I love to cook.

For the whole

No. No family, Gus.

I cook for myself.

How about you?

I like to cook,

but I like to cook
for someone special.

Well, first you got to meet
somebody special.

Whenever I talk to women,

I feel like
I got a hump on my back.

No. I don't
see any hump.

I got
a lot to give.

I got a nice house.

Keep it nice.

But I don't know.

With women...

I don't know.

Hey, you know,
you guys,

you're getting me
all depressed here.

Mikey. Mike.

Just remember this.

For every pot,
there's a lid.

You're crazy.
This is crazy.

I know. I know.

You're such
a sweetheart.

If you sneeze,
I say there's a phone call?

Just bail me out.

Can you sneeze
when you want?


That's a very
realistic sneeze.

That's good.

Oh, my god.

Oh, my god.
This is him.

I don't know you?

Right, right.


Yeah. That's me.

I'm Mike Crosbie.

Hi, Mike.
How are you doing?


Mind if I sit down?

No, of course not.

I never had a date
at 11 a. m. Before.

Would you like
a cup of coffee?


But I should
get you one.

I have one.

Coffee, please.


Sure, sure.
I don't mind.

So, Mike,
what do you do?

I'm on
the red wagons.

I'm working
the 9 p. m. Shift.

That's how come
I?m free.

Working that shift,
no one will marry you?

No, no.

I'm working...
that shift.

That's how come
I can be here. Now.

What you said before,
about getting married,

I wouldn't
want to say.

Excuse me?

I wouldn't want
to say right away.

I already
told that to Gus.

I want to
talk things over

with my parents

God bless you.

Uh, phone call.

I know. I thought,
"not Mike. Mario. "

Mario's perfect.


Hey, come on. Come on.

You broke the ice,
didn't you?

Do this one for me.

To tell you the truth,
I already promised Mario.


Ok, he's a terrific guy.

You got a free lunch
out of it anyway, didn't you?


Well, listen.

I guarantee a free lunch
with Mario.


You're a peach.

I'll talk to you later?




All right!

Who is Mario?

A cousin
of Loretta's cousin.

Good. So he's family.

I got good feelings
about Mario.

His name's
Dominic beard,

and he's a pharmacist
over at the hospital,

and he's
a genuine triple "s. "

Triple "s"?

Smart, successful,

Get his number.

I already gave him
lee's number.

This woman is going to be
drowning in dates.

Do you stab
all your patients?


I haven't covered
your elbow

because injury's
in the lower arm.

If the injury was
in the upper arm,

the elbow would
have to be immobile.

Are my fingers
supposed to be numb?

No. You should
have told me.

I can't feel anything.

What's this?

Oh, yeah.
Something's coming back.

And this.

Yeah. Now
I?m getting like a...

tingling sensation.

Is that good or bad?

That's very good.

Nurse, I?II tell you.

With my hands like this,

it will be hard to...


This won't hurt
a bit.

You look great.

I feel great.

Go heal people.



Let's look for
a place together.

I like music-
jazz, classical.

I've got this
incredible stereo.

I like painting.

I like
to make love.

I've studied
tantric sex.

Oh, excuse me.


It's good to sneeze.

A sneeze has a force
of 300 miles an hour.

People who repress sneezes
are frigid.

Also, bombs are going off
inside their heads.

No kidding?

Think about it.


Hey, jimmy, what's up?

Morning, big guy.
How you doing?

This chick is
going to kill me.

She won't let me sleep.

Last night, I thought
I was having a heart attack.


Make that 3.
Black with a lot of sugar.

She does this thing.

She gets on me and spins.

I don't know
how she does it,

but, oh, my god.

The really strange thing is,
we talk all the time.

If we don't
screw ourselves to death,

the talking
will kill us.

Hey, Gus! Gus!

This broker's calling me
day and night.

What do I tell him?

Nobody sleeps
around here?

Translate that
for me.

He's working
this dating scheme.

This scheme
don't make sense.

Say she meets
some guy.

Over easy,
dry toast.

Say she dates
every night, every week.

After 10
or 15 dates,

which isn't
that pessimistic,

she meets mr. Right.

Say she'd like to dine
with the gentleman

before she marries him.

Men are already
living on the moon.

Have some faith, Harv.

I do have faith-
in Lou Cassells.

He's got money.

He'll go to bat.

But he ain't Gus.

the door is closing.

The door
is closing!

Hey, what is this?

On every block!

We'll have to wait.
Take it easy.

We'll just be a minute.
Who's winning?

3-2 in the 5th.

Go Mets.

You guys must be
into plants.

We ain't got all day.

You probably got
trees to plant.

That's us.

That's right.

Chill out!

Your wives
must have gardens.

I ain't married.


Are you Paul or Joe?

we're both Paul,

but Paul and Paul
sound like-

what is this?

Why don't we
just go on Geraldo?

Absolutely, Paul,
but I was talking to Paul.

I have one terrific

Oh, yeah?

How would you like to go out
with a fabulous broad

who is highly green-fingered
like yourself?


Wh-what do you mean
jump all over you?

Who? Who?

Why are you here?

The guy is gone.

If I find him,
he's in the hospital.

Don't get paisan
with me.

Why'd you let him in?

he was early.

You invite a guy
into your apartment

and then wonder
why he jumps on you?

You invited him in!

He was a friend of yours!

We learned something.
In the future-

there will be
no future.

No future. Fine.

Somebody explain to me
how I get in a situation

where my ex-husband
is finding me dates.

So why'd you call?


Because you gave this gorilla
my telephone number.

If you had someone
better to call,

you wouldn't
have called me.

I'm doing you
a big favor.

Would you please
just get out!

You don't know anything
about anything!

Calm down, will you?

No! You get out! Out!

I'm going, okay?
I'm going.


Hey, uh, why don't
you come with me?


Come with me.

I'll take you to dinner.

No! Absolutely not.

If you stay here,
you'll get more upset.

I'll take you out.
I'll take you to Florian's.

I'm not hungry.

Ok. Look,
you're right.

It's my mistake.
I screwed up.

I want to make it up to you.

I wasn't thinking.

That's right!
You weren't thinking!

That's what
I just said!


You got to book Florian?s.

Not me, sister.

Big shot.

So, what are you-

you're going out
like that,

or you're
going to change?

I am changed!

Ok, let's go.

And don't, please,
make any remark

about the way
I?m dressed-

I?m saying nothing.

Or my apartment
or anything.

You want to live in shit,
that's your business.

Oh, look.
It's the same car,

before you make
any remarks.

I'm not saying a word.

It had a paint job,
which was a trade-off.

I installed
this guy's alarm system.

Gus, you love this car
more than life itself.

I never believed
you sold it.


You crying?

Am I?

I don't know why.

I know.

I kept thinking

you'd come walking back
through the door

any minute.

I thought any minute
you'd call.

I kept waiting.

Hey, uh, I don't
really want to go out.

I mean,
we quit dating, right?

Right. Yeah.

No. Whatever
you want to do.

It's a good top-

easy to take down,
easy to put up.

But a trade, right?


He did you a favor.
You did him a favor.


What language is this?



I thought Latin
was extinct.

Um, well, plants
still speak it.

And... and I?m learning
to speak it.



Anyway, not
everything you learn

has to have a plug
on the end of it.




Don't fix things.

No. Better I should let you
blow yourself up.

Solve all my problems.

Oh, christ.
I got to make a phone call.


I'm looking for
Rita Calley, please.

Did you knock
on her door?


You knocked
on her door?

Yeah, I did.

Ok. Look, just tell her
that I called, okay?


You're a doll.

I'm not a doll.
I am a nurse.


I'm not a doll.

No, no.
It's an expression.

Jesus christ.

I think I did something
to your computer.

Gus, that's my term paper.

Don't touch my things.

Please, please, please
let me have saved this.

This is a whole credit.

Saint Anthony.


Saint Anthony-
he finds things.

Oh, great.

I was going
to recommend

a surge protector
for this machine.

I don't need
protection from surges.

I need protection from you.

Oh, thank you, god.

Thank you, Saint Anthony.

You're really on it,
aren't you?


Yeah. I guess.

Outside the university,

your face
was all lit up.

And your books.

You got
so many books now.

You could start
a bookstore.

You weren't cut out
to be nobody's wife.

I don't want to
think that.

No. I mean,
not my wife, anyway.

Not a guy
who fixes things.

Not a working guy,
you know?

Listen, I?II get going.


Oh, actually,
there is one more thing...

that I want to fix.

I'll fix it right now,

and that's this light
right here.

Who lives
right over there?

I don't know.
A couple.

All right. Shh.

The most important thing
security wise

is good lighting.


There you go.

Bad time?


I was just passing.

I'm Tom Gough.

Tom is my professor.

God is my father.

So, uh, what's this?

A little
late-night cramming?

I'm so dumb.

How does it go?

What do you
tell your wife-

I?m going
for a jog,

a couple students?

You must be...



Don't Gus me, okay?

Why don't we jog back
to Mrs. Professor

and chat with her?


I'm going to go,
I think.

Don't go.

No. Go.

No! You go!

I'll drop by
some other time.

I was
just passing.

What do I know?

I should go.

She's right.
I'll go.

I'm the one
who's brain-dead.


Anybody down there?

Who's that?

Pope, is that you?


Uh, yeah.

I'm just, uh...

what are you
doing here?

What are you doing here?

I'm with Marie.

I showed her
the bowling alley.

One thing led
to another.

Un-fucking believable!

Please, Gus.
Please don't.

Swear to me
this never happened.

Swear on your mother.

I hope you're careful.

Yes, we're
being careful.

I'm not talking
about precautions.

Don't zap your girlfriend's
butt on 6,000 volts.

Oh, right.

That's beautiful!

You just do that?

Like that?

That's so beautiful!

No way you're
dead on this.

A star's got 5 points.
You're one of them.

I got to go.

Listen, I?II see you
Monday morning.

Isn't this a view?

I love this apartment.

Want to know why?

It's got
light and space.

Linoleum and kitchens
you can change,

but you cannot change
those 2 things.

We're looking
at a lot of places.

You'd be
stupid not to.

This is more,
you know,

than we wanted
to spend.

I'll leave you young
people to talk it over.

Lock the door
behind you.

Rita, call me
at the office.

I know I can
make you happy.

Hey, you do.

This is... this is
just the best day

of my entire life.

Sorry about
last night.

You know, I was, uh...
running around,

and I did
an off-the-books job,

and, uh... you know,

it dawned on me-
the time,

and I telephoned you,

but, uh... anyway,
I?m-I?m sorry.

But that's my point.

That's been my point.

You're in your place.
I'm in my place.

You got to call me.
I got to call you.

I want to be there
when you get home.

I know you do.

I want to love you.


don't go
anywhere, okay?

I'm lucky
I found you, you know?

Yeah, you are.

You know,

I love this apartment,
and do you know why?

Because it's got light,
and it's got space.

It's got
cracked linoleum

and damp
in the kitchen.

I'm going to leave
you 2 lovely people

to lay down
on the floor.

No way am I getting
down on that floor.


I'm going to leave
you 2 lovely people

to lie down
standing up.

Well, that's okay.

I was coming
around last night.

I was brilliant.

You would have been

astounded by
my resourcefulness

in getting
out of the house.

I was home.

Well, I called you
3 times,

and I got
your machine.

The phone was
ringing a lot,

so I put
the machine on.

You never call.

the last visit,

I thought
it might be politic.

Did you read
my paper?

I don't think so.

Um... no, I think
I might have.

Let's see.

Here we are.


It was good.
It was fine.

It was good.

Some good things.



I could
get away tonight.

Can... we...
see a play?


It's just that I love
being with you.

I love hearing you talk

about paintings
or... writers...

not just getting
into bed with you.


Oh, john.

Talking about
not just going to bed...

when you were with,


he's so...
he's not exactly...

plagued by ideas,

is he?

What else did you do?

Change fuses?

Strip down the car?

See how long he could
hold his breath?

Actually, he's not
at all stupid.

I was just kidding.


ok, cut!

Cap off first.

Don't cut
what you can't see.


Make good
eye contact.

Get good light
on those cables.


Dante said
I?d find you here.

Ok, cut!


I had... 13 calls
at work today.

a lot of calls.

Ok, cut.

It's good.

I'm not looking
for a husband.

I had one.
It didn't work.

How you can
get involved-

you don't know him.

He's using you.


Probably is.

Ok, cut it!

I should go.

Hey, Gus?

You got a problem?


I do.

I'm out
of the deal.

I'm going for a walk.

Gus, you can't keep
cutting out like this.

Go ahead
and fire me.

I'll give you 100 bucks
for a cigarette.

Does anybody
like Lou Cassells?

I don't.

Would somebody
explain to me

what's this
obsession with like?

Who likes Gus
more than me?

This is
a business deal.

But we're not

We're friends.

I got to go
to the hospital.

Loretta's due out of
surgery in an hour.

You're smoking.

I don't smoke,
so I can smoke.

You smoke,
so you can't.

How do I
explain to Gus?

The realtor told us
we were losing the deal.

It don't feel right
without Gus.

Dante, what
do you think?

If they were
taking it out,

they would have
by now.

I am alone.

I am alone
in this life.

what's all this?

All what?

In the cabinet-

the fancy glasses...

I guess they're
wedding presents.

How come
you kept them?



Does that
bother you,

having dishes
from my marriage?

It's okay.


You know, she wouldn't
date Dominic.

Dominic who?

My friend-Dominic beard,
the pharmacist.

Mr. Triple "s. "

He kept calling.

She never
called back.

It was a dumb idea.

I couldn't
get her to do

a thing
I wanted before.

Why should
she change now?

You know what?
I do care.

I don't want
to use her plate.

I don't want to drink
from her glasses.

I want to move on.

Break the plate.

you wanted
to move on.

Break the plate.

I can't.

If you won't,
I will.

You first.

can you read that?

table one, place one.

Mrs. Muriel manners.

Oh, yeah.


What brings
you here tonight?

I'm the secretary

of the nurses united
against leukemia.

How do you like that?

Completely at random.

Uh... Mrs. Manners,

it says here
you are to forfeit

an item
of your underwear.


Do I have to say
what it is?

to the card here,

you have to show us.


All right,
let's give her

a little drum roll,




Hold on.
Let's, uh...

Here we go.

How about that?

Let's start
the bidding.

Who will
give me 25?

Who will
give me 50?

Who'll give me 75?


Who'll give me 100?

100 in the back.

Do I hear 130?

Who will
give me 140?

140 in the corner.

140 going once.

140 going twice.


Sold to
the jealous husband

for 150.

All right.

This next forfeit
will involve

2 people
coming up here

on the stage
and singing.

The card says
they're from

table 20,
place number 2

and place number 3.

Let's have a nice welcome
for Dominic beard

and his lovely

Bring them up!
Let's go!



One for you.

Break a leg.

Smile, Dominic!

The moment
I wake up

before I put
on my make-up

I say a little
prayer for you

while combing
my hair now

and wondering
what clothes to wear now

I say a little
prayer for you

forever and ever,
you'll stay in my heart

and I will
love you

and ever

we never
will part

and how
I love you


that's how
it must be

to live
without you

would only mean
heartbreak for me

I run
for the bus, dear

while running,
I think of us, dear

us, dear

I say a little
prayer for you

at work,
I just take time

and all through
my coffee-break time

break time

I say a little

prayer for you

forever, forever

you'll stay in my heart,
and I will love you

forever and ever

we never will part

oh, how I love you

together, together

that's how it must be

to live without you

would only mean
heartbreak for me

can we go now?

Oh, boy!

How do
you like that?

All right,



That was great!

Yeah, I thought
she said no.

Uh... she did,

and then
I called again,

and she said yes.

I think she
regrets it now.

Do you know Rita?

No. Hi.

Hi, lee.

Jan, this is
lee Demarco.

Lee, this is
Jan and Martin.

Oh, right!


Nice to meet you.

Hi. How are you?

Want to join us?
We're celebrating.

Gus and Rita are
moving in together.

I don't know.
Do you...

... maybe later.

Up there,
you're kind of exposed.


Well, have
a good evening.

You, too.

Nice to
have met you.


on the apartment.


Oh, my god.

How embarrassing.

I don't think so.

I think it's great.

I hope they fall
madly in love

and all their
dreams come true.

I'm sorry
about that.

It's okay.
It's okay.

You have
a nice voice.


Yeah, your... ex
and Rita and...

I... I should
have thought.

I didn't think.

Don't worry.

You have
a nice voice.

Yeah, well...

I love to sing,
just not in public.

Well, you were
may queen.


You were may queen
at Saint Anthony's.

Oh, god!

I was 12 years old.
How do you know?

Oh, Mary,
we crown you

with blossoms today?

Queen of the angels?

And queen
of the may

I remember you.

I don't know
how she did that.

Come to bed, huh?

You're quiet.

I'm tired.

I got to get up
in, like, 5 minutes.


I look out of
the window at night now.

All I see are lights.


Since I met you-

of electric lights.

Good night.

I bet I know 2 people

who aren't
sleeping right now.


are you kidding me?

She couldn't wait
to dump that guy.

Not Jan.
Dominic and lee.

I bet
she's giving him

to dream about.

N- no way.

No, I?m telling you.

Heaven and back.

That's where
they've been.

Look! You made
your point, okay?

Jesus christ!

Look, is there more
you'd like to add,

or is
the point made?

Because the point-

the point certainly
is made with me, okay?

So Rachel has gone
upstate with George.

I'm writing
a lecture.

We have croissants.

We have
poetry to read.

We have Shakespeare
on video.

We have...
Glenn Gould... on tape.

Call me an optimist,

but I think
we have the makings

of a perfect day.

Stop me, you know,

if I stumble across
the password.

Uh... words
are not the problem.

Who said anything...
about a problem?

I don't know. L-

I thought words
were... an issue.

I thought you were

about us
not talking,

so, here I am.

culture, culture.

Don't always
have an answer.



I?m sick
of this yard.

I'll tell you
what it is.

No, don't,

Don't tell me
what it is.

Shall I leave
the croissants?


my work.

What am I
trying to say?

I don't-

your work is good.


I love
this new place.

Whoa! Nice view.

Electric's good?


It's got a square-d 2400,
installed 1986.

Really nice.

I checked it out.


Checked it out.

This guy's
an electrical guru.

I am a guru.

Where's your stuff?

What is this?

Where is everything?


Gus, hi.

Did you call them?
Why didn't you call me?

They guaranteed me 10.

What's going on?

Gus and Rita
got to talk.

Hey... out!

Hey, Dan,
should I...

how do I know?
See you later, Gus.

See you tomorrow.

What's going on?

I sent
the truck back.

I was so

But they were
real nice, the guys.

it's not so unusual.

You can kid yourself.

I'm good at that.

See? He loves me.

He's moving in with me.

See? He's moving
in with me,

so he can't
still love her.

See? He's trying
to marry her off,

so he can't
still love her.


but you're stuck

and I?ve been
stuck there with you,

and we can put
furniture all around it.

We're still stuck.

And as
a matter of fact,

I can do better.

I deserve better.

I don't want to lose
this good thing

that I got

if I do

I will surely

surely lose a lot

'cause your love

is better

than any love I know

it's like thunder...

can I ask you


Tell me
to shut up if-

first thing I thought
was not to ask,

because you and Rita
just broke up.

I see Marie, okay?

I'll see her
maybe 50, 60 yards away,

and I?II get
this tight pain.

You know?

Or she's brushing her hair-
something just like that-

brushing her hair,

and my stomach will go,
you know,

I don't know... funny,

you know,
when we do stuff-

I mean, we do
some weird stuff,

and we'll just look
at each other.

You ever hear
of candy pants?

Candy pants-
panties you can eat.

Yeah, but anyway,
the point is...

what? Am I in love or...


You're in love.

I thought that's
what it had to be.

Get off here.
Get off over here.

We got to go-
hey, hang on.

Do you like to travel?

Sure. I've been doing
exams and stuff,

so I guess
I haven't traveled much.


I want to-
I want to...

travel all over.


I mean, it's crazy.
I'm Italian.

I've never been to Italy.

I've never seen Rome.
I've never seen Venice.

I've been
to Venice Beach.

I?ve been to...

Tony Roma's?

Tony Roma's.

That's right.

stupid things,
you know.

I'm-I?m counting pills,

and I lose my place,

and it's, "50, lee.

60, lee. "

L- I?m afraid I?m going
to poison somebody.

Today, I wrote
a prescription

and put your name on it.

What were you
prescribing me?

I don't know if this is
horribly obvious,

but I am crazy
about you

and obsessed

and completely...

you know, gaga.

This way, guys.

I don't know
exactly what happened,

but we lost our service.

We got a 208 installation,
and it just blew.

An electrician
came to take a look.

Next minute,
there's this flash,

and he's bounced
off the wall.

We'll take it from here.

You'll be all right.
Call if you need me.

Ok. Thanks.

So, uh...

what was all that
back there,

the botanical gardens?

Something you said made
me realize something.

Something I said
made you realize something?


It's amazing.

I got two fuses dead,
one live.

So pull
the dead fuses.

Then that something...

turned into
something else.


I got it.

Excuse me.

What do
we got here?


Jan, is he going
to be okay?

Lie still.
It's going to be okay.

Just relax.

the corridor.


Today-today we got
scalds and burns.


I need to cut away
these pants, mr. Demarco.

I'll be back.



You been okay?


Pretty good.

I'm sorry.

Dr. Rostoff,
call the page operator.

I fell asleep.
I must have dozed off.

I just heard.

I wanted
to stop by.

I shouldn't probably,
but is he, um...

I heard he got burned.

He's going
to be fine.

You want to
sit with him?

Oh, no.
I have class.

Just tell him
I came by.


How's the apartment?

We didn't do it.

What do you mean?

We broke up.

I'm sorry.

It's okay.

How's Dominic?

He's good.
He's-he's a good man.

He cares about me.
I'm really sorry.


I guess it's true
what they say.

Tears-there's only so many
of them to go around.

Somebody starts to cry,
someone else stops.

Same with happiness.

No. I hope not.

Hey, you must be
Marie, huh?

He loves you.
He was telling me.

He loves me? Good.

Hey, come on in.


How you feelin'?

Good. A little sore,
but better, you know?

I never thought
I?d be back in this place.

That's life.

It shuffles the deck,

and there you are
with the joker again.

This place is
in kind of a mess,

which is in your honor.

Just joking.

I'm sorry
about you and Rita.


It came as a shock.

What was so important
the phone wouldn't do?

You want something?
Something to drink?


Dominic asked me
to marry him.


He wants me
to have his children.


I said he wants me
to have his children.


Yeah. Amazing, huh?


Said I...

I needed time
to think about it.

Right. You met the guy
4 weeks ago,

and you're already
having his kids.

Took me 6 months
to cop a feel off you.

You'll get what you wanted,
you know?

The bowling alley
and no more checks,

no more alimony.

That's right.
That's great.

Listen, congratulations,
but I got things to do,

so, uh... great.

Have a nice life.



This was mine.


This is my last offer.

Don't get no sweeter
than this. What?

This is it. Sweet deal.
Bring them in.

Oh, come on.

You got to be kidding.

Gus. Gus!

Hey! Hey!

Look at his hands.
Oh, my god.

It's a miracle.
Back from the dead.

He wasn't dead.

Oh, yeah?
What was he?

He wasn't here or there.
He was somewhere.

Hey! Welcome back,
you bastard.

You had us scared good.

It's a miracle.

You got him back, huh?

You all met Marie,


Hi, Marie.

Oh, by the way, I?m in.

In what?

The bowling alley.

My wife-
she's getting married.

She found
mr. Wonderful.

You're kidding me.

Oh, here's the deposit.

I hear sirens.

Where did you
get the money?

I took the bus.

You sold the corvette?

Hey, it's only a car.

I quit smoking.
I quit smoking.

So, uh, who is
she marrying?

Oh, you know, uh...

the pharmacist.



You know, Dominic,
the pharmacist.

Is that
what you want?

Of course
it's what he wants.

He don't have
to pay the check.

Gus knows
what I?m saying.

If he doesn't, I do.

Right, and he's been
in a coma.


What's going on?

Don't ask me any questions.

I'll forget all the names
of these plants.

This one here is, uh...
it's, uh...

caryota, which is the...

which is otherwise known
as the fishtail plant.

This one over here is
monstera deliciosa,

which is your...

Your basic
Swiss cheese sandwich plant.

This one is the, uh...

it's a...


Elephant palm,
which is, uh...

what are you doing?


I'm trying
to learn something.

I'm trying
to learn some Latin.

The lights.

They're beautiful.

Yeah, they're
pretty lights.


I love you,

and I tried to think
of some way to show you.

All I could think of
was lights.

I put up some lights.


is just parking
the car.

And I?m telling you
that I love you.

Gus, what am I su-

I know
you don't love him.

Oh, really?

Look me in the eyes
and tell me you love him.

You always do this,
you know?

You always, always
do this to me.


Marry the guy.


So can you?

What? I'm sorry.
I'm in a daze.

Can you look me
in the eyes

and tell-

tell me
that you love me?

I couldn't help

Mr. Wonderful?