Mr. Vampire (1985) - full transcript

Mr. vampire

executive producer:
Leonard ho koon-cheung

producer: Sammo hung kam-Bo

planning:
Eric tsang chi-wai, Barry wong ping-yiu

executive planner:
Jacob cheung chi-leung

production manager:
Jessica chan pui-wah

director: Ricky lau koon-wai

Dear uncles, brothers, and sisters,
please come back for dinner.

Anyone passing our door is also a guest.
You guys first.

Dear friends, you're welcome.

Don't go out.
When you go out, they're full of life.



Lucky.

If all you brothers start to wreak havoc,
I wouldn't know how to catch you.

Time to eat.

Time to eat.

Time to eat.

One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight.

Eight, seven, six, five,
four, three, two, one.

The number's right.

Game over!

Don't be afraid, it's me.

You bastard!

Look at you.

Jeez! No need to hide!
I told you it was me!

Master, help!



Master, help!

- What's wrong?
- Master, inside...

Master, it's me!

Whoa!
Why're you so heavy-handed, senior?

Broken bones!

You don't need to, I'll do it.

I'll do it.

They can't feel anything!

Dentures?

Senior, how can it be?

They're all broken.

How can I explain?

Come and help, then!

You two guys!

Play all you want,
but don't play with my brothers!

- Uncle, he...
- Say no more! I'm leaving.

Stay two more days.

Senior, this...

Hope to see you again.

"Vast is the sky

"boundless are the wilds"

going home, lined up in a row.

Step-by-step, out of the mortuary.

Let's hit the road!

It's really late,
why're you still here?

In a minute your aunt
will ask me about you, go home!

Uncle, I'll help you.

- Good morning.
- Uncle gau, good morning.

- So early?
- Business good?

- Good morning.
- Whoa! Why're you all dressed up?

- What's up?
- Master's taking me to western tea.

Hurry along!

Master, can I not go with
you to meet master yam?

What's wrong?

Have you had any arguments
with master yam?

Nol

I don't even know what
he looks like.

It's just, I'm all grown up,
and haven't tasted western tea.

I'm afraid I'll make a fool of myself
and embarrass master, that's all.

Rarely do you think of
your master's reputation.

Good, very good!

You're afraid of embarrassing master?

Well, you best not go then.

I've never had western tea.

If I make a fool of myself,
it'll be very disgraceful.

No, I'll take man choi with me.

If anyone has to be disgraced,
I'll let him do it first.

Man choi!

I'm over here!

Master, you called me?

Now, seeing as you're so
well-behaved today,

I'm taking you in to enlighten you
on how to have western tea.

Great...

Let's go.

Sir, do you have a reservation?

I don't.

Didn't yam fat make
a reservation for us?

Master yam? Please follow me.

Please.

This way.

Please.

- Uncle gau.
- Master yam.

How are you? Please sit.

- Greet master yam.
- Master yam.

That's alright, have a seat.

Please sit.

I hear your daughter has
returned from the capital.

Didn't you come together?

That girl?
She finished studying cosmetology.

She's been teaching people
everywhere since she got back.

Jeez, seeing how ugly you look,
your daughter can't be pretty!

Speak of the devil...

- Dad.
- Greet uncle gau.

Uncle gau.

Sit.

She's all grown up.

Yeah, very grown up!

What would you like to drink?

- I want coffee.
- Ok.

Caw-fee?

- Give me a cup of coffee.
- I want coffee, too!

Master, are you having anything?

- I'll have a coffee, too.
- Ok.

Master, I don't want coffee,
I want... coffee, ok?

The order's been taken,
leave it.

Uncle gau, regarding the reburial
of my late father's coffin.

I wonder if you've chosen
an auspicious day already?

I feel that you should
think it over first.

In this type of situation,
it would be better not to move him.

I've thought it over thoroughly.

Back then,
the feng shui master, said:

'Twenty years from now,
the coffin must be reburied'.

This will be good for us.

You shouldn't believe
what a feng shui master says!

Then I shouldn't believe
what you say!

That's right!

Children shouldn't interrupt
adults when they're talking.

In that case, let's prepare to rebury
in three days' time, between 3 and 5 pm.

What are we going to prepare?

Money, of course!

How much do you want?

Small tokens...

Master yam,
'millionaire' wong is here.

He's over there.

I'm going over to say 'hello'.

Uncle gau, as you please.

- Look after them, serve some custard tarts.
- Sure.

Master, which of the two cups do
I drink first: Black or white?

Are you that thirsty?

Uncle gau, my apologies.

Coffee needs to be drunk
whilst hot.

Help yourself.

Please.

Uncle gau,
you like drinking plain coffee?

Yes, I like drinking plain coffee.

Dad, I'll add milk for you.

Good.

Come...

Dad, I want to buy some
Rouge gouache.

Go ahead,
I'll find you in a little while.

- Eat.
- Sure!

My pleasure.

Have you no manners?

Master yam, how many spoonfuls
of sugar would you like?

No need...

You like to eat a plain tart?

Then I'll do it myself.

Master, it's very sweet!

Imagine you're eating candy.

I'm going to buy groceries now.

Soon, a hooker from happy red court
will come in to do her shopping.

You better not bully her
just because she's a prostitute.

Got it, auntie!
You go get your groceries first.

Always charge hookers 30% extra.

I know what to do.

Excuse me, may I ask
where can I buy Rouge gouache?

Wow! So pretty!

I wish she could be my wife.

What a pity!

Miss, please look around.

My aunt told me you were coming.

Who's your aunt?

The lady you were talking to
just now.

I just asked her
where I could buy Rouge gouache?

I don't know her at all.

Pretending?

Never mind if you don't know
my aunt.

Try this kind of Rouge.

It's pretty good.

So, when did you learn to...?

Learn to do this?

Learning is the same as doing.

When I was twelve,
my mum taught me.

What? Your mum taught you?

Yes!

Unfortunately, she died prematurely.

So, I had to go to the capital
to learn.

This colour's so beautiful.

How old are you now?

Eighteen years old.

So, she's been doing it
for six years?

Have you ever thought about
when you'll stop working?

No.

If I'm not dead at eighty,
I'll carry on doing it.

You're not being forced?

My goodness! This is my hobby,
why would I be forced?

All women like doing this.

Have you ever thought about leaving?

No.

I want to take what I've learnt
in the capital,

and teach it to the girls here.

They're going to love it.

It's a good job you're happy,
but you mustn't corrupt others, too!

How can you be so backward thinking?

It's not backward thinking,
it's a question of morality.

Let's call it a day.
I won't do business with you.

Please go back across the street
to your happy red court.

Hey, what's going on at
happy red court?

So, here you are!

Why're you so angry?

You've been to happy red court?

- No.
- How do you know her, then?

She's master yam's daughter,
miss ting-ting.

What kind of place is
happy red court?

- Teahouse.
- Brothel.

What?

- Restaurant.
- Brothel.

What did you say?

Brothel!

You think I'm...?

Miss!

- If something goes wrong...
- Dad!

I'm g 0 ing n 0 w

my good girl!

- Master yam.
- Ting-ting...

What the hell's going on?

Naughty boy!

Now, you must all pay
your Sincere respects.

Uncle gau.

Back then, the feng shui master said,
of this hard-to-find grave,

it's a good plot.

Correct.

This grave is called
"dragonfly touches the water lightly."

The grave should be thirty feet in length
and have the four realities.

The width should be ten feet
and have three realities.

Therefore, the coffin
may not be buried horizontally.

It must be buried under
Buddhist law.

Very impressive, uncle Gaul!

French burial?
Master, what's a French burial?

Is that a funeral for the French?

French, your ass!

Uncle gau, finished praying?
Can we start digging?

You can.

Start work.

Master, what exactly is
a Buddhist law burial?

What we call a Buddhist law burial
is a vertical burial.

Am I right?

Right!

The feng shui master said...

"If an ancestor is buried vertically,
the next generation will be fine."

Has it been good?

These past twenty years or so, our family
business has gotten worse and worse.

I don't know why.

Could it be the feng shui master
has a grudge against your family?

A grudge?

Did your father have enmity
with him whilst he was alive?

This piece of land was
originally his.

Father knew it was a good grave,

so he bought it
for a huge sum of money.

Merely by enticement?
Was there coercion?

99% probability.

Otherwise, why would he have
played such a big trick on you?

As payback, he had this dragonfly grave
covered with cement.

So what should we do?

"Dragonfly touches the water lightly."
It should be covered with snowflakes.

If the coffin lid can't lightly
touch water, how can the dragonfly?

At least he had the conscience to tell you
to rebury after twenty years.

Thus, harming only half your life
and not your whole life.

Then harming your generation
and not the next eighteen!

I see it!

Loosen the lid,
pull out the nails.

Everyone, today grandpa yam
will see the light again.

All those aged:
Thirty-six, twenty-two,

thirty-five and forty-eight,

born the year of the rooster or ox,
turn around now to avoid.

Everyone, straighten your clothes.

Open the coffin.

Dad!

Grandpa!

Please forgive your unfilial son
for disturbing your eternal sleep.

Uncle gau,
can't we reuse this plot?

"Dragonfly touches the water lightly",

but never touches the
same location twice.

This grave is already wasted.

What should we do?

I propose on-the-spot cremation.

Cremation? No way!

My late father
was most afraid of fire.

I couldn't do that to him.

Master yam, this is most unusual.

Whatever you do is fine,
as long as it's not cremation.

Can't you think
of any other way?

Alright. He can stay in our
mortuary for the time being.

I'll help find another plot
for your father tomorrow.

So that he may rest in peace.

Alright. Close the coffin lid
and carry it back to the mortuary.

Master yam, please go back first.

You two, burn some plum blossom incense
over the plot.

When the burning's done,
come back and let me know.

Burn incense over
all the other graves, too.

Dead at the age of twenty?

What a waste!

This one's for you.

It won't be wasted.

Thank you.

Look, it's burnt like this!

Go, let's tell master!

People fear "three long and two short"
the most.

The most fearsome joss sticks
are "two short and one long".

It's unfortunate
they burnt like this.

The family that produces these sticks,
will surely have someone die.

You mean master yam's family?

You don't say?

Nothing to do with me,
not my problem.

Won't master yam's
daughter be affected?

Basically, anyone with
the yam name will be in trouble.

Then, ting-ting...

Didn't you say, "nothing to do with me,
not my problem"?

How could that be the same?

If I save my sweetheart's life,
marrying her won't be a problem.

- Hey!
- Hey!

- Fair competition?
- Fine!

That's right, master.

I've thought about it already.

Why else would I ask you
to carry the coffin back?

What's wrong with the coffin?

There's nothing wrong with
the coffin.

It's the corpse that's the problem.

I also think something's not right.

Yeah, it hasn't rotted
in twenty years!

Whoa! It's put on weight, too!

Quick, cover the lid!

Prepare paper, brush,
ink, knife, and sword.

- What?
- What?

Yellow paper, red brush, black ink,
real knife, and wooden sword!

Master, using a chicken again?

Chicken...

Hold this, windbag.

Hey, what's that?

An ink line marker.

Master, where do we pluck?

Pluck the ink lines
over the coffin.

Pluck over the entire coffin.

People are divided
into good and bad.

The dead are divided
into corpses and vampires.

Not just good and bad people,
but also male and female.

I'm talking about all people,
not just the bad ones!

Old master yam is a corpse that's
on the verge of becoming a vampire.

How can a corpse
turn into a vampire?

Yeah, and how can people
turn bad?

People turn bad because they fail
to live up to expectations.

Corpses turn into vampires
because they have one last breath.

"One last breath"?
What do you mean?

When a person dies with grievances,
or stress, they suffocate to death.

They'll have a single breath
accumulated in the throat.

That means he's dead,
but hasn't stopped breathing?

That's why it's important
to put on your best behaviour.

It's vital when a person dies
they breathe their last.

If the dead don't stop breathing,
then they will harm others.

Keep plucking and stop the chatter.

Let me know when you're done,
and you mustn't overlook a pluck.

Ok, it's done.

Make sure you haven't missed
a pluck.

- I have.
- Where?

Herel

you bastard!

- Here!
- Don't you run!

Stop playing...

Master.

Tricking me?

Bastard, hold this!

You...

You don't care about me?

You got me into trouble.

Who asked you to pluck
the ink line marker at me?

Hey, going home this late?
You're liable to bump into ghosts.

Good lord!

The situation we're in now,

I'd rather bump into a ghost
than see master!

"Her gaze...

“Like... stars shining in the sky.

"Seeing you... my heart skips a beat.

"Her gaze...

“Like... stars shining in the sky.

"Seeing you... my heart skips a beat.

"The moon rises brightly,
an ill wind blows through Willow alley.

"It's the female ghost
searching for a lover.

"Who wants to love
the mournful ghost bride?

"Accompany the female ghost

"on a dark night
to secretly worship the moon.

"Her gaze...

“Like... stars shining in the sky.

"Seeing you... my heart skips a beat.

"Her gaze...

“Like... stars shining in the sky.

"Seeing you... my heart skips a beat.

"Unwilling to look at the bright moon..."

Sleeps like a dead pig.

You're the perfect type of person
to guard a mortuary.

Drink tea.

Ah wai, nothing to do today
at the yamen?

Oh, trivial matters I just
hand over to my subordinates.

Cousin ting-ting's
all grown-up now.

Ting-ting?
She's not a child anymore.

Then she should get married, eh?

She should...

So, I think...

No tea? I'll pour for you.

Master, uncle gau's here.

- Please.
- Master yam.

Uncle gau,
how's the coffin reburial going?

It's finally coming along.

Let's talk in my study then.

Fine.

You two better not mess around.

Uncle-in-law, I still think...

We'll talk in a minute.

Miss yam, I'm sorry about last time.
I misunderstood you.

- Forget it.
- Hey!

You two hanging around?
Want to steal something?

Standing beside my cousin!
You want to take advantage?

Cousin.

Cousin...

Now, my cousin wants to scold you,
but doesn't want to make a fuss.

Right, cousin?

Right, we were wrong.

We shouldn't be in here.

Let's go into the garden.

White hair!
A sign of premature ageing.

- Is it yours?
- No! How can it be mine?

How could you have found
this white hair on me?

Cousin, what I said to uncle-in-law
just now... you should understand.

We've been friends since childhood.

Even though you played in your home
and I played in mine.

This can be considered
playing since childhood.

But, we've been together for so long,
yet I haven't even touched your hand.

Not like those two boors outside.

Hey, you swallow it.

Me?

Of course!
You pulled out the hair.

Now, once you swallow it,
you'll be at one with him.

Then we can bully him, ok?

Got it? Oki

try slapping yourself.

Hey, if he hits himself,
then what?

Jeez! No way are people in this world
stupid enough to beat themselves!

Hit harder!

You mustn't stop!

What are you doing?

Hey, why did you stop?

It really hurts!

I'll help you hit!

Let go! Cousin!

Cousin!

I'm a boor, I deserve a beating!

There really are people in this world
stupid enough to beat themselves!

I'm not playing...

Not playing?

Now we're playing him.

How can we let him play us?

We'll turn it back on him!

- Undress.
- How can I?

What's there to fear?
He's inside, and you're out here.

Let ting-ting see him get naked.

Right.

Cousin!

Dad!

Naughty boy!

Playing tricks again?

Go back!

Uncle-in-law,
I just want to drink tea...

There's been a murder
at the yam residence!

You can't come in here!

Master yam died a cruel death.

Cousin, even though
uncle-in-law is dead,

you can always count on me.

Hey, don't recklessly touch him!

Right.

Hey, you two,
hurry back to the mortuary,

see if old master yam's corpse
is still there.

Brother wai, what weapon
was used to kill master yam?

He must have been shot dead.

Every shot hit his neck?

He must be a martial arts master.

Throwing darts are very accurate.

Throwing a...
A nine-chain money dart.

That's what killed master yam.

Where are the darts?

Hey!
Don't obstruct my deductions, ok?

You're so smart,
you explain how he died.

Go on!

My theory is that he was
stabbed to death by fingernails.

Stabbed to death by fingernails?

That means only very long fingernails
could have done it, right?

Dear village elders, does anyone
have longer fingernails than him?

Don't talk nonsense!

I wouldn't wrongly accuse someone.

Your fingernails are the longest
in the entire village.

So, you appear to be
the prime suspect.

- Men, come here!
- Yes!

- Lock him up!
- Yes!

Cousin,
the suspect has been caught.

Cousin will avenge his uncle-in-law.

Cousin,
you must investigate thoroughly.

You mustn't frame someone.

Got it...

Come! Carry master yam's corpse
back to the yamen.

Yes!

I'll make you face him all day.

You'll confess for sure!

- Take him away!
- Yes!

- Master, the coffin...
- Split open!

- The corpse...
- Gone!

- Master, you're...?
- Master, you're...?

Busted!

You...

Don't mess around.

Captain, may I have
a few words with them?

Say your last words.

Don't say I'm unsympathetic.

Have you checked it out thoroughly?

I even checked the other coffins...
Nothing.

Something seriously bad
will happen tonight.

I know.

Master, you'll be in jail.

Jail's a small matter.

At any moment,
two vampires will arise.

Two?

Master yam was killed by a vampire.

Its poison entered his heart.

So, he'll become a vampire, too.

Father and son?
Talk about a double threat!

Hey, you done talking?

Almost done.

Chau sang, smuggle all my work tools
into the yamen tonight.

Man choi, you stay here
to protect ting-ting.

How do I protect her?

If you meet a vampire, don't breathe.

Then you'll be alright.

Don't breathe?

Master, what should I bring tonight?

Chicken blood, ink line marker, string,
paper talismans... bring them all.

Hey... that's enough...

Anything left to say,
save it for your funeral.

Move!

Hey! Glutinous rice!

Remember to bring glutinous rice.

You can't come in, move away!

Tonight, I'll avenge my uncle-in-law.

Talk!
Why did you kill my uncle-in-law?

Why would I want to kill
your uncle-in-law?

So stubborn!

Do you know
what this character is?

Hey... don't be reckless!

Why can't I be reckless?

I use this character 'bad'
to brand bad guys like you.

When the brand is put on the chest,
it sticks to the flesh.

Now, I use this character.
The strokes are small and clear.

But, it's just as painful.

- Come on.
- Yes!

- Hold this.
- Yes.

This character is 'wicked'.

If you don't want the character 'wicked'
branded on your chest,

just like this pigskin,

then you'll have to confess
before dawn.

- If...
- If you don't release me before dawn,

you'll be responsible
for the consequences.

You dare answer back?
How can this be?

- Take him down.
- Yes!

Uncle-in-law,
I'll take revenge for you.

May you rest in peace.

Make a confession by tomorrow.

What are you standing there for?

Nothing.

I'm just waiting for you
to pull your head back in.

Why?

I'm afraid you'll be embarrassed.

Embarrassed, my ass!

Quick,
help me get my head back in.

Don't push...

Can you please
just use your brain?

Sure!

Master, no matter what I do,
don't blame me.

Fine. Hurry up!

What are you doing?
Why did you pull down my trousers?

There, it's back in now,
isn't it?

- Damn kid...
- Hey, master!

We had an agreement.

You said,
I wouldn't be blamed for anything I did.

Did you bring everything?

Yes.

Chicken blood, ink, talismans,
ink line marker.

The glutinous rice?

Yeah, it's here.

It's still hot, master.

- Eat while it's hot.
- You cooked it?

I wanted raw glutinous rice.

I need it to sprinkle around,
to block the vampire's breath!

Then... what do we do now?

Should I try feeding him?

It's moving!
Master, he's moving!

Here,
stick this talisman on his forehead.

Master, he's gone.

Go find him.

Go!

Hurry up!

What's going on...?
What's happening?

- Go check it out!
- Yes!

What're you afraid of?
It's my uncle-in-law.

- He's on our side.
- Yes!

- Quick, make up the bed.
- Yes!

Uncle-in-law, fortunately
your nephew here came just in time.

Otherwise,
I don't know how they'd torment you.

Brother wai, it's all done.

- Quickly, move him back into bed.
- Yes.

You two, go out now
and keep the door closed.

You're not to open the door
no matter what, understand?

Yes!

Uncle-in-law... watch this.

Don't tear off the talisman!

Still hiding?

Come out and be put behind bars.

Look out, behind you!

Behind me?
Behind me is my uncle-in-law.

- Uncle-in-law, he's...
- He's become a vampire!

Run!

Get down!

Open the door...

We won't, no matter what!

I'm your beloved captain,
brother wai.

Open the door...

Open the door!
Hurry, open the door!

Open the door... hurry up...

Help me...

Uncle gau, help!

Hurry, throw the keys over!

Catch!

Hurry up, help me!

Nobody breathe!

Stop chasing me!

Master, I'll help you.

Whatever you do,
don't pull down my trousers, ok?

Ok! There are many ways.

Uncle gau, help!

Good job! Open the gate!

Uncle gau,
hurry up and save me...

Pull the ink line marker.

Open the door...
Hurry, open the door...

It's nearly dawn.

I don't think he'll come.

You've been waiting all night.

You should go back and sleep.

No way.

Who's going to protect you
when I'm gone?

But you don't have to hold
that bamboo pole.

Don't look down on this bamboo.

I crafted it with great care.

It's just that
I'm not using it now.

Wow, so pretty!

No need to be afraid,
I'll protect you.

Don't breathe.

I can't stand it!

Quickly,
get something to tie up your grandpa.

Hurry...

Ha! Not only can I talk now,
I can even sing!

"This trap... meant for me..."

Run!

Master...

Man choi, help!

Man choi.

Jump down.

Chase...

Why aren't you chasing?

What're you afraid of? Useless!

Lucky he can run quick,
or I would've shot him!

- Hey, are any of you injured?
- No...

Master, man choi was injured.

Will he become a vampire?

It's possible.

Quick, move away!
Let me shoot him dead!

I said it was possible.

We can still save him.

- How do you save him?
- With what?

With glutinous rice.

Glutinous rice can eliminate
the corpse's poison,

and prevent vampirification.

Glutinous rice?

Ting-ting, you mustn't stay here.

Move into my house temporarily.

Great!

So comfortable.

You don't need to worry,
I'll be alright when the poison is removed.

I was never worried.

Aren't you scared
I'll become a vampire?

Not scared, just afraid.

Does your wound hurt?

No pain.

Of course,
your flesh is hard as a rock.

How could it hurt?

Master, are you trying
to scare me?

Scare you?

There, you see?

No reaction at all.

How could that be?

Soon, the corpse's poison
will spread through your body.

Then, even if I chop you into pieces,
you won't feel a thing.

What should I do?

Move.

Move what?

Move your arms and legs.
Basically, keep moving.

Don't stop.

What happens if I stop?

Stop, and your blood won't circulate,
it'll congeal into clots.

What happens if it clots?

If it clots, it hardens.

What happens if it hardens?

Hard is stiff, stiff is hard.

What happens if it stiffens?

Once it stiffens,
you become a vampire.

After that,
I wouldn't know what to do.

So, what do I do now?

What do you do?
Still sitting there?

Quick, get up and move!

Go inside
and sprinkle glutinous rice on the bed.

Ting-ting, please cook
glutinous rice congee for man choi to eat.

No matter what, don't let smoke
get into the glutinous rice.

Otherwise, eating it will be useless.

Master, that's all
the glutinous rice we have left.

Go and buy some,
cook it when you're back.

Take off your shoes
and jump on the bed.

I've heard of moaning in bed,
but what's jumping on the bed?

If the corpse's poison gets in your feet
it'll spread very easily.

Master,
what use is glutinous rice?

Glutinous rice is used
to detoxify corpses.

Master, it's stabbing my feet.

If you don't like it,
sweep it aside.

I like it...

Go buy glutinous rice,
then come back.

Is long-grain rice ok?

Sure, if you think he's beyond saving,
buy long-grain rice.

Good!

You bastard!

Get down! You trying to hurt me?

Get down...

Jump!

Glutinous rice

hey... stupid boy!

It's pouring all over...

Your help does
more harm than good.

Pick it all up!

Telling him to pick it up?
You show me how.

Sweep it.

Quickly,
get something to sweep it.

I'm so clever.

How could I have
such a stupid son?

What? You're blaming me?

No.

Your son hasn't stopped all day.

That's weird.

Why are the neighbouring villagers
racing here to buy glutinous rice?

I hear there are vampires
over there.

Some people say
glutinous rice can cure vampires.

I've heard of
glutinous rice treating woodlice.

Glutinous rice curing vampires?

Can it really?

I don't care
if it's true or not.

If we have good business,
then we'll sell it!

I'm afraid we don't have enough
glutinous rice to sell.

Why are you so stupid?

If there isn't enough,
mix in long-grain rice.

Right! No one will know.

Hey, we have business.

Boss.

Sir, what are you buying?

Seriously? You're asking what
I'm buying in a rice shop?

Oh, there's plenty!

We have rice sacks, rice vats,
rice hoists, rice cups.

We have containers for all rice.

Rice flour, rice crackers,
rice cakes, rice biscuits.

We sell everything
here people eat.

Also, rice husks,
rice dregs, burnt rice.

We also sell to feed the pigs.

Any type of rice there is,
we have it here.

As many as I have pimples.

So, you sell "rice fields'
here, too?

Sure! Now, as boss,
mine sells for three cents a catty.

The assistant's is just
one cent a catty.

Because we eat differently,
so too are our excretions different.

In fact,
the quality's about the same.

It's best to use on vegetables.

How much do you want?

Not for me, I'm busy right now.

Can you please hurry
and get me fifty catties of glutinous rice.

Sure! Bring a rice sack.

Come... let me.

Oh, yeah! Boss...

It must be pure. Don't mix it.

Sure...

Ah sau, come here...

Must be pure, got it?
Fifty catties.

Mix in thirty catties
of long-grain rice.

- Do it.
- Boss!

Coming... do it!

Hey, what have you got that
can curb my hunger for now?

Curb hunger?
Then... that's not right.

Come on. Rice cracker?

They're great!

- Not bad.
- Great, huh?

Try a fried rice cake.

You haven't tried
the fried rice cakes.

Aromatic?

Tasty?

Oh, yeah. How much, boss?

Five bucks.

- There.
- Thanks!

Dad, it's ready.

Whoa, it's so heavy!

We don't rig the scales.

Don't you worry.

Hey, that's a heavy sack.

Rascal,
did you mix in long-grain rice?

Yeah, thirty catties.

How much glutinous rice?

You said fifty catties.

Eighty catties?

No, dad.

I only gave him
forty-five catties of glutinous rice.

Now,
forty-five catties of glutinous rice...

Thirty catties of long-grain rice...

Dad, your count is wrong.
Correct should be seventy-five catties.

Count my ass!

First watch of the night.

Uncle.

Young lady,
you almost scared me to death!

Are you alright?

Uncle, can you do me a favour?

Help you with what favour?

I'm extremely busy.

It's very simple.

Hurry up and molest me.

What? Me molest you?

Yes, hurry up. Molest me.

You're a slut!

I won't let you steal my integrity.

Don't even dare!

No...

Molestation...

Whoa!
What kind of world is this?

Hey!

You!

Miss...

You've really got guts!
In broad daylight...

No, taking advantage of
a respectable woman in public!

It's her!

Still trying to explain?

Miss, are you alright?

I'm really scared.

That's very easy.

Where do you live?
I'll take you home.

My home is right here.

Wait for me a minute,
I'll go back and get my things.

Anyone in the house?
Come out and help.

One of your members is hurt.

My family lives
in the provincial capital.

There's no one else in this house
except you and me.

Is this god's will?

What did you say?

Nothing...

Be careful.

Sit.

I really don't know how
to thank you.

Well... think about it yourself.

The means of gratitude
between men and women,

is usually one and the same.

How's that?

Here, let me make a hypothesis.

If I hadn't been passing
this place,

I may not have rescued you
in time.

This kind of coincidence
is known as fate.

Also,
if I weren't a righteous man,

I wouldn't have disregarded
my own safety to rescue you.

This kind of behaviour
is known as righteousness.

Then, if I hadn't felt
protective of you,

I wouldn't have bothered
bringing you back.

Now, this kind of behaviour
is known as affection.

There's affection, righteousness,
and, on top of that, fate.

Ask yourself,
how you should repay me?

I think I should give you
my heart.

That's what most people would do.

May I trouble you to wait a moment?

That was too easy.

In these situations, typically,
there are only two possibilities.

Either I'm dreaming...
Or I just met a ghost.

Miss, I was talking casually
just now.

It's not my nature to
take advantage of you.

I have to go do something tonight.

If it's fate,
I'm sure I'll meet you again tomorrow.

If I stay here,
it would have to be god's will.

Is it really god's will?

Whoa, how come it's so chilly?

If you leave in a rainstorm like this,
you're liable to catch cold.

If you must leave,
why not have a cup of wine before you go?

May as well.
A cup of wine won't kill me.

Drink the wine.

Thanks.

Rain's stopped, time to go home...

Man choi.

Man choi! Wake up quickly!

If uncle gau found out
you were sleeping,

he would beat you again.

It can't be!

I'm done for.

I'm turning today for sure!

Can't let him see this,
or he'll kill me for sure.

I must persevere.

Even if I become a vampire,

I want to live
a long vampiric life.

How can this be?

Brother wai!

- You're here so early.
- Oh, no.

The neighbourhood watch was concerned
about man choi turning into a vampire.

So, I came to have a look.

Please have a look.

- Man choi!
- Coming!

See... see for yourself
if I've become a vampire.

Hold this.

I'm back!

Where were you last night?

You're only back now?

No, I went to the
neighbouring village.

What did you do last night?

Nothing.
I arrived at the village yesterday.

Suddenly there was lightning,
Gale winds and heavy rain.

I feared the glutinous rice
would get wet,

so hid in a house
to shelter from the rain.

Hey, I was patrolling the streets
last night.

There wasn't any rain.

I can back him up.
It didn't rain a single drop last night.

Brother, you're only back now?
Want me to starve to death?

Don't stop!

Who were you
hiding in the house with?

Uncle gau, what's going on now?

Don't say man choi's
now beyond saving?

No, what's wrong
that you had to come see me?

Oh, nothing!
I want us to go catch the vampire together.

The vampire's already been stung
by the line marker.

Its hands and feet can't move.

Now's the time to catch it.

Where's a good place to catch him?

Somewhere dark and wet.

- Let's go now, then!
- I can't, I have to watch over them.

Them?

No! You must go now.

When it gets dark,
he'll be fiercer than you.

Hey, are you afraid?

- Afraid of what? Let's go!
- Yes!

- Let's go!
- Yes!

Brother wai, there's hardly
anyone here to begin with.

Besides, in this weather...
Only ghosts would stick around.

That's right, we came here especially
to catch a ghost.

Disperse and look around.

Brother wai, there's a cave here.

Huh? Really?

Hey...

You two,
go inside and take a look.

Us? If there's a vampire,
we'll be so screwed!

What're you afraid of?
I'm right behind youl!

Uncle gau,
what kind of ghost did he meet?

I think he met a female ghost.

Will he be alright?

He'll be alright.

Much better off than man choi.

Wow! So many love bites.
She must've been one horny ghost.

It's dark already.

How long have I been sleeping?

All day.

Damn! I haven't been
back to the store all day.

Auntie's going to kill me for sure!

You still remember your aunt?

Master,
what else can I do to help?

If you don't give me anymore trouble,
I'll chuckle to myself in secret.

Hey! Are you alright?

I'm fine...

Master, I'm going now.

Fine. Go back early, then!

Ting-ting,
watch man choi for me.

I'm going out a while,
be back soon.

Siu yuk!

Don't come near!

What's painted on your body?

Master must have painted it.

He's always afraid I'll meet
a ghost.

I don't like it. Wipe it off.

Don't wipe it off, stupid boy!

Siu yuk...

Let me see what you
really look like.

Let me soothe it for you.

Brother sang, save me!

Bullying my girlfriend?

Brother sang!

Don't worry,
I'll untie it for you.

Hey, are you crazy?
Don't recklessly untie it!

Trying to bribe me with money?

It's not that easy!

Stupid boy...

What the hell happened?

Was I dreaming?

Dreaming?

You were enchanted by a ghost,
stupid boy!

Good lord,
I'd already thought of that.

Lucky you found out late.

Late?
If I hadn't rescued you in time,

you'd be dead from sexual exhaustion.
Talk about late!

Master,
it's because you found out late,

I could get lucky with her.

Had you found out earlier
she was a ghost,

I wouldn't have had
a dreamy romantic night.

Stupid boy!
You have sex on the brain!

Look at the two of youl!

One's poisoned by a corpse,
and the other's obsessed with a ghost.

It's my bad luck
to have apprentices like you.

Master, my poison's expulsion
is almost complete.

My bewitchment
is almost complete.

Look at you!

Babbling without rhyme or reason.

Your bewitchment really
is almost complete.

So, what now?

Alright.

When that ghost comes tonight,

I'll exorcise it!

Uncle gau, drink tea.

Thanks.

Better take refuge in your room.

Stay there,
no matter what you hear.

Hey, you sleeping?

Why can't I sleep?

It's you who's possessed,
not me.

So, you're ignoring me?

If I was ignoring you,
I'd be asleep in my room.

What more do you want from me?

What's wrong?
Have you got cold shivers?

No...

Brother sang...

Brother sang!

Hey, untie me.

Brother sang!

Hey!

Brother sang, save me!

Hey! What are you doing?

Hey! Man choi, no!

Man choi, no!

Master, help me...

I am helping youl!

Master!
Hurry and let me out, or I'm dead!

You be quiet!

Calm down, be patient,
and everything will be fine.

Never fear, master's here!

Look out! Behind youl!

- Get back!
- Brother sang!

Brother sang...

Don't look at her.

Let's go!

Stay there!

Siu yuk!

Master, don't!

After all, she saved me once.

If master exorcises her,
she'll never be reincarnated.

Don't you realise that humans
and ghosts can't be together?

Keep pestering him like this,
you'll only end up killing him.

Master, let her go.

If I let her go,
then she won't let you go!

Take care of her yourself.

There's another one!

After eating all that glutinous rice,
how come he's still like this?

Good lord!

No wonder.

Glutinous rice
mixed with long-grain rice.

How can he recover?

"How to cure vampires"

Be patient.

Almost there, nearly done.

Done!

How do you feel?

I'm fine. I've fully recovered.

- Really?
- Yes.

Good!
If you feel pain, you're fine.

Uncle Gaul!

Uncle gau,
that vampire's in the village again.

Oh? Wait a moment.

Seal all the doors and windows.

Sprinkle glutinous rice
on the floor.

Remember, you mustn't leave this house,
not even half a step.

Get up and help, then!

That vampire did it again.

What should we do, uncle gau?

Take him back to the yamen first.

Whoa, no way!

After last time,
I'm already scared!

If you have no objection,
burn him on a lychee wood pyre.

Fine.
Men, carry him out and burn him!

Yes!

Uncle gau, it's ready!

Light the fire.

Light the fire...

Hey.

Open the door...

Why did you close the door?

Huh? I was looking to see
if the door was strong enough.

What are you afraid of?

I'd be lying if I wasn't afraid!

Hey, don't be such a coward.

See? We're all sealed up.

A fly couldn't even get in,
never mind a vampire!

Master's back.

Hey, open the door, then.

Quick, come back inside!

Close the door...

Give it to me.

Go. I have to go.

Hey, are you crazy?

What happens
if master can't get in?

Open the door...

- Master's back!
- Master's back!

Open the door...

- Master, he's here...
- I know.

Bring the work tools out.

Close the door.
Look after ting-ting.

Close the door!

Come on, block the door.

Hey, is it safe in here?

Hey, can't you see
it's all sealed up?

Whoa! No wonder it's so hot.
I can't even breathe.

Don't fret, there's a skylight.

- Oh, that's better.
- Skylight?

Huh? Oh, shit!

Come on, I'll lift you up.

Get up...

Strange, I definitely remember
the skylight being closed.

How can it be open?

You can't be serious?

Don't scare me!

Look closer.

Man choi!

Man choi!

Man choi, are you alright?

Man choi!

- Open the door!
- Open the door!

What are you doing?

This way.

Big brother, eat the chicken...

Delicious.

Uncle gau, help me...

Master!

Master, he can see.

Attack his eyes!

You go!

Go now!

Man choi, let's go!

It's alright! What's going on?

Vampire!

The real deal!

Gang of brothers,
lend a helping hand.

Forward!

Rise up!

Help suck out the vampire's breath
with your mouth!

Quickly!

Suck!

Let me.

Oh, shit!

My clients!

Oh, no...

Starring: Ricky hui, moon Lee, chin siu-ho,
lam ching-ying, pauline wong, Billy la...

Guest stars: Anthony chan, wu ma.
Co-starring: Wong ha, yuen wah.

Mr vampire