Mr. Right (2015) - full transcript

♪

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From the day I was
old enough to like boys,

I was overwhelmed and sold
on the idea of the perfect

guy for me.

This romantic view of
the opposite sex is --

is just that:
a romanticized illusion.

And ladies,
let's be honest.

Sometimes that illusion
is a downright scary

nightmare.

Hi!



Roger?

What's going here?

Now, am I saying
all hope is lost?

That there are no
diamonds in the rough?

As far as I'm concerned,
the myth of the perfect

mate, the so-called 'Mr. Right
is just that -- a myth.

Right up there
with the Tooth Fairy,

the Easter
Bunny, and Bigfoot.

(Knocking) Hey, girl!

I've got a
surprise for you.

Ta-dah!

You're gonna look
so hot in this.

Hmm.. a hot, slutty mess.

Same difference.



Louis is
gonna lose his mind.

He's a jock, Norma.

He doesn't have
that much to lose.

Okay, keep talking like
that and I'll go out with

the man myself.

How much do you
even know about this guy?

Well since you asked
Mm Hmm

My assistant's sister's
mother-in-law's best

friend says that he's
a really good catch.

And she should
know; she's his mama.

Okay that's it

No, no!
Lisa, wait!

hold on -- wait.

Listen, you may think that
it's okay for you to spend

the rest of your life
making love to this

laptop.

But as your best friend, I
refuse to let that happen.

Now go put this on
and go get your man.

You wasting
time, let's go!

Come on!

All right.

Mm mm mm..

Oh, so anyway, I've been
going back and forth all

day long with my agent
because the season's about

to start and I
don't have a team yet.

Well wait, I thought
you said you were an

NFL player.

Oh, I am!

But I went free
agent, you know,

so its gonna
be a rough year.

Not being able to run
drills

and train with your team?

Mm, that and bills.

Well havent you saved
all those millions

for a rainy day?

(Laughing) Millions?

Yes.

Girl, I wish
I had millions.

If I had millions, I'd
be retired right now.

So no millions?

Hell no!

Thousands?

Oh, yeah.

I made about $300,000
-- over five seasons.

Uh, forgive
my ignorance,

but isn't that
a little low?

Hell yeah!

Well, the starters make
a lot more than that.

Even still, isn't that
low for a second-stringer?

No, they make
pretty good money, too

It's us on the practice
squad that gets cheated.

See, that's why I
went free agent.

Oh.

Practice squad.

Mm-hm.

Well, some people
don't even make the team.

Uh, we're ready to order.

All right, now you're
sure I can't interest you

in some of our
hand-crafted gourmet

desserts here?

Mm.. That
sounds really good!

Nah, my good
man, we are stuffed.

But I will take
that check brother.

Oh!

We've got to get on
to the best part of the evening.

Most definitely.

There you go.

Hm!

Hooo.. I feel like a pig
after devouring that big

steak and all you
had was a salad.

Yeah, it's all good.

I guess that's
how you stay so fit!

Uh, one
second, sweetheart.

I'm trying to add
this up correctly.

They usually do
the adding for you.

As a whole, yes.

As a whole?

Yeah, I'm trying to add
up everything that I ate

and drank, so I
know what to pay.

Well, what about
what I ate and drank?

I'm about to let
you know that in just a

second.

Mm-hm.

(Sighing and kissing)

Have I told you
how sexy you are?

(Doorbell ringing)
(Knocking on door)

I'll be back in two minutes.

I'll be back.

All right ladies,
please come in here so we

can get the -- oooh!

-- making some
bad decisions, baby!

No, What?

Hell no!

Hell no, what?

I stopped drinking.

Stopped drinking what?

Alcohol, liquor,
you knappy-headed slave!

Haha!

Yeah, you little slave.

That's --
that's enough.

Okay.

And we done told you --
Hey -- If you gonna say

the 'slave' thing,
use it -- Okay.

-- in, in, in quick action.
Okay.

Don't be
late with it man.

You may embarrass us!
Don't do that!

Anyways, yo.

This is the first time in
three weeks that we've all

been off work at
the same time, man.

Especially Mr.
Popular over here.

Yeah, that is true man.

Look, there's a lot of
single ladies out there

that need our services!

Mm-hm.

Oh, I'm sorry, am I
interrupting something?

Okay, what,
what -- for real,

Mike?

Why?

Why is Satan here, man?

Satan?

I got you're
Satan's Stewart Little.

Look, if you talkin'
about a man who got mad

chicks, then yeah,
you talkin' about me.

Ain't nothing
little -- big!

They hired you?

Okay!

Oh, okay!

Sit!

Did you
(inaudible) the night?

Yeah!

Yeah, uh
listen: Booty, chill.

Beast, this tale is as old
as time and I'm over it.

Huh?

I'm over it!

He was just playing.

I wasn't
playing nothing, man.

I don't even
know why she here.

I don't see why you didn't
throw her to the curb with

the rest of the trash.

(Uncomfortable
mumbling)

Is that what you tell
your friends about us?

No, no, no.

Beth, (whooshing sound)
went over your head.

The girl with the chest
and the ass -- the girl

with the --
chest and the ass.

So what, am I just some
booty call for you now?

Well, in
ancient Africa,

'Booee-Call' is the
highest level -- it's the

highest level of respect.

It's true.

Well, let's
just be real, Maria

You just popped up, per
usual -- no respect there.

Yeah, we don't
get down like that.

You got a lot of
baggage, I'm Southwest.

Your bags don't
fly free here!

Okay.
You know what?

Stay here and play
with your little friends,

because I can do better
than your ass anyways.

Call me whenever you get
your shit together and

when you grow
your ass up, okay?

(Inaudible) Hush!

If you want me
to call you,

I got to get my iPhone
out your car real quick.

Hold up!

Why you chasing her?

We don't chase!

Out with the girl,
in with the bottle.

Don't talk.

Let's make these moves.

You gotta -- look,
work on your 'slave' shit!

I am!

I mean -- You know, we
gotta -- -- it's more

of the delivery.

(Hands slapping
together) Great job.

Yeah!

(Inaudible) to blow it.
Thanks, man.

You guys
play a great game,

White Men Can't
Jump -- awesome.

Ha-ha!

White man -- Haters!

Why?

Well, we gotta
be all that shit.

I'm being if I
was -- you know,

if I could shoot -- We
didn't even say -- Mitch,

give him a drink,
because he need it.

He need it.

Let's pour
the guy a drink.

Please.
Get this boy a drink.

No.

Drink your
sorrows away.

Man, quit playing, man!

Take this drink and the
girl go -- and then all that.

Come on, you
got some pussy,

you free, come on, man.

Let's go, baby!

You sweatin' this shit
-- Think about it.

-- that mean
you got it in.

Think about it!

I know. I know.

Fuck it.

Come on, baby.
It's love.

Hell, yeah.
It's love in the air!

Shit!

I took that shit too
fast, didn't I? (Coughs)

(Moaning) Yes, yes.

Right there!
(Sighing)

Okay, before
you say anything,

I just want to inform
you that I'm on Cloud Nine

right now, so unless
this is a life-or-death

situation --
This is all your fault!

Louis the Loser?

I told you I didn't want
to go on yet another one

of your blind dates,
but did you listen to me?

No.

So what ends up happening:
I end up going dutch with

a so called football
player who got his

Superbowl ring
in the mail.

Sweetie, I'm sorry,
but I really got...

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I know, I know.

His mother thinks
he's a real catch.

(Sighs and moans)
Hello?

Yes, ooh, right there!

(Gasps and moans)
You nasty little wench!

Did you just answer
the phone while you were

getting your --?

No, no, no, no, no.

I'm laying here with my
legs back while Steven

takes care of everything.

(Chuckles)
Wait a minute -

- foot fetish Steve?

Yes, girl.

He is giving me
life right now.

(Moans) He missed
Momma's toes very much.

You know what?

You have issues.

No, girl.

The only issue
I have is being

on the phone with
you right now.

Look, I've got to go.

I will call you back and I
will plan something really

extravagant for
your birthday, okay?

Norma --
No, I've got to go, Lisa.

Norma, wait -
I will call you back.

Bye, Lisa!
Come on, please!

Bye!

Bye-bye-bye-bye.

Ooh, yes!

Oh, keep going.

(Laughing) Ooh, mm-hm.

It's not that I don't
want there to be a perfect

match out there for me.

I just have to be
honest about the reality.

So it begs the question:
Are there actually any

decent men left out there?

Does Mr. Right
really exist?

(typing)

Seriously?

Hi, I'm Frank Brinkley.

Now, if you're
even on this site,

you're looking for the
seemingly unattainable

Mr. Right.

You think?

And you're
convinced that

he doesn't even exist!

But I'm here to tell
you, you are wrong.

guy, and we'll send him
straight to your door.

escort service, as
sexual favors are

strictly prohibited.

But ladies,
isn't that the

best way to find
a great guy?

Click right here, and
you'll be one click away

from Mr. Right.

(Dog barks)
No?

(Dog growls)

You don't like
this one, do you?

(Growling)
Okay,

Chan-chan says 'no'.
(Chuckling)

I came this close to
completing a profile.

Talk about desperate.

You should have.

Okay, I think maybe
you're not getting enough

oxygen to your
brain right now.

What?

You said it's not
an escort service.

Why not?

It's just for fun.

Okay, so you
have some fun.

(Chuckling)

(Typing) Maybe I will.

(Phone
buzzing)Ugh.

Girl, man.

(Phone
buzzing) What?

Like right now is
not a good time.

This is Frank, baby!

I just reeled in a
big fish for you now!

Frank?

Haha!

This girl's profile
suits you to a T!

Does she?

She paid
with a black card,

Mike.

A black card!

This is huge.

Now, Melissa's sending
you over all the profile

information right now with
a few dos and don'ts for

the date.

Dos and don'ts?

You know, the usual.

These ladies like to feel
like they're on a real

date, so no talk of
being a hired hand.

And Mike, I need your
best acting job on this,

do you hear me?

All right,
sounds easy enough.

Hey, hey, hey!

Don't dismiss
me like that,

dog!

Cause of you
don't do this right,

guess what?

I-Imma kill Fontaine.

'Taine's your
nephew, Frank.

We don't -- we
don't know that.

You know what I'm saying?

That's what his --
that's what his momma say.

But d-don't -- don't have
a death on your hands.

All right.

All right?

Holla.

Hell-hello?

Hey, Momma!

What?

No, I'm not gonna
hook you up with Mike!

Norma, will you at
least tell where we're going?

I don't want to have a bad
surprise on my birthday.

Trust me,
you'll love it.

I should be at your
door in 3...2...1...

(doorbell ringing) You're
funny.

Funny!

Girl, come on!

So what is
love at first sight?

Does it actually happen?

Well, I think I can
actually confirm that it

exists.

I wasn't a believer, but
I think he changed that.

Do you eat ice cream?

Dude, who
doesn't eat ice cream?

I mean, have you ever
seen anybody eat ice cream

mad?

After a
horrible date, maybe.

Like, "Give me that
damn cone!" "Give it to

me now!" "This date
sucks!" "It sucks!"

"This date is horrible!"
"Give me -- give me

butter pecan." So
when we get there,

what are we gonna say?

I'm gonna be like, "Hey!"
What are you gonna say?

Uh, "Give me butter
pecan --NOW!" See?

Cause I'm pissed.
Pissed!

I just wasted my time.
Wasted my time.

It was an awful date.
Horrible date.

Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm, yep.

So, you know, I think
because of it was so

horrible, we
deserve a Mulligan.

You know what
a Mulligan is?

Yeah, I mean
you know -- yeah,

you know golf.

I got you.

I do, so --
That's up to you.

I'm in.

You're in?
Yeah!

Okay.
I'll do anything.

What you want to do?

Do you cycle?
Cycle?

Yeah.

Like cycle at the gym?

Like a bike.

With a bike?

Pfff, girl!

What are you talk -- They
call me -- I like Lance

Armstrong, but
they call me Glance,

because quick
glance, you miss me.

Fly by you.

Come on.
Yeah.

You ready?
You're not ready for that?

No, You need to
work up the jokes.

But yes, I'm ready.

Let's go.

Work on my jokes?

(Laughs) not good.

Thought I
might find you here.

I was gonna go to
your house but then I

remembered you like to
come here and do your

little painting thing.

You're all
sensitive, geez.

You don't
know me at all,

do you?

This little 'painting
thing' is my passion,

Maria.

Babe, that's fine.

But man cannot live
on painting alone.

You can't pay light
bills and car notes with

paintings.

I'm sure my father could
help you get a job at his

office when you're ready
for a change of scenery.

Oh my God, Maria.

Thank you.

Thank you so much!

Like I was --
I was really,

really hoping that your
dad could hook me up.

Are you kidding me?

Apparently,
you're not getting it.

Me and you are from
different planets.

I don't even know
-- you're an alien.

You're like a -- I
understand how difficult

it is to be in
the enemy's space,

always feel like you're
not measuring up in the

workforce, in
life, in the bedroom.

But I'm a
patient, understanding,

and forgiving woman, and I
want to be here with you

while you get
through this.

While I get
through what?

I don't know.

These feelings of
inadequacy you're having

or whatever it is you're
going through that's

making you treat me
like trash on the curb!

(Laughing) Look, you
don't have to explain it

to me.

No, I don't.

I'm gonna be here.

I don't -- I won't,
because I'm actually not.

Um, hm -- this is
gonna be awkward,

because this is that
conversation where it's

you, not me,
but we're done,

okay?

It's me, it's not you.

Sorry.

(Whispering) We
should see other people.

Is that what
this is about here,

Michael?

Like, normally
whenever guys say,

"We should see
other people,

it usually means
they already are.

Is that what
this is about?

You seeing other people?

I don't know.

I see.

Just told
you what it was,

You know what?

I'm really, really sorry.

Me, too.
It was terrible.

About everything.

Me, too.

I am so sorry.

Except this!

(Paper flapping) Take
that for some motivation,

you douchebag!

There you go.
Oh, well thank you.

Thank you.

I appreciate -- I'm sor
-- I'm sorry (laughing and

slurping).

I like that.

I like that a lot.

So um, I've been meaning
to ask you why'd you and

your husband break up?

Uh, just out of curiosity.

I'm just curious.

I just wanted to know,
you know what I mean?

Well, he was
this tall, sexy,

hot, Latino lover boy.

He didn't want to be in
monogamous relationships,

so -- Oh, right.

Yeah, you gotta get rid
of them kind of guys,

you know what I'm saying?

They -- they all
over the place,

you know.

I'm faithful --
I'm a faithful guy.

I'm just
throwing that in there,

you know what I'm saying?
Okay.

I'm a real faithful guy.
Good!

So, what -- what
did you say he did for a

living?

What did he do
for a living?

I mean, he was
like an importer,

or something.

Importer?
I don't know -- yeah.

That's impressive,
he was an importer.

That's nice.

I heard he was -- he
was pretty loaded.

I heard that he
has some cake.

Did he?

Was he pretty loaded?

I'm just asking
out of curiosity,

of course.

I just -- He
-- he was okay,

but what does this --?

He -- did he
have some cake?

How?

What did you get out of
the divorce settlement?

You know what I'm saying?

I wish you can talk to me.
What'd you get?

I got none of ya damn
business dollars and get

your curious having ass
up out of my house cents!

No, no, no!

I didn't mean
it like that.

No! You did
mean it like that,

Look, I didn't mean.

because you asked me
about my -- No,

we having a good
time, let's just chill!

No, you need to chill!

Get your gold-digin'
ass out right now!

Gold-diggin'?

Yes!

Ain't that the pot
calling the kettle black?

Gold diggin'?

Crazy -- talking
about some gold diggin'.

I -- oh, no you didn't!

This is a $400 shirt!

I just bought
this shirt, girl!

I gotta return this!

Yeah, yeah, goodbye!

See you later!

(Inaudible)
Thank you!

I'm glad they
didn't put my name on your

account!

He was a perfect
gentleman from beginning

to end.

(Laughter) Oh, he's
smart and funny and sweet.

He has a real job.

[INDISCERNIBLE]
And he's an artist.

Really?

(Laughing) Where
did you say you met him?

Oh, God no.

I mean, I know people.

I've been around.

True.

But why didn't you
keep him for yourself?

(Chuckling) Not
that I'm complaining.

Mm, mm, mm.

Wait a minute.

Did you --?

What?

Oh, no -- Oooh!
-- hell no!

You know I don't
roll like that.

Are you lying to me?

No, we kissed.

That's it.

Mm-hmm.

I told you he was
the perfect gentleman,

girl.

This one's a keeper.

Okay, wait Lisa.

I mean, I'm sure that he's
a good guy and everything.

But you just met him!

You already sound
like you're in love.

I didn't say
I was in love.

But he's kind of what
I've been looking for.

Look, I don't know when
was the last time I was

this hopeful, so thank
you.

(Phone on other end ringing)
Come on, come on!

I need you to pick up.

(Phone
ringing) Yo, man!

Hi, this is Norma
Jenkins Hernandez.

How are you?

Ah!

Ms. Norma
Jenkins Hernandez!

Look, your guy by the
name of -- I think his

name is Michael
or something.

He really did my
girl dirty last night.

I mean, dirty to the point
where she thinks she's in love.

Whoa, whoa, whoa --
love is strictly against

That's not the
way we

Blah, blah, blah.

Okay, look -- this is
exactly what you're gonna do:

you're gonna book him
for the next month or so

until I figure out
what I need to do.

Yeah, yeah.
I hear that.

You know, we can do that
for the -- for the next month.

And I don't want him to
mention a word of this to Lisa.

Okay, I mean you know,
that could be our little secret.

And I don't want him
to even breathe my name.

You got it?

I ain't gonna
tell Michael nothin',

okay?

Perfect.

Well, I'll be in touch.

You know what,
Ms. Jenkins Hernandez,

see, this type of dialogue
is what I'm talking about.

When a man and a woman --
you know what I mean --

hear each other's voices,
that could -- Hello?

Hello?

Getting late in here?

You know
what I'm saying, yo?

He's always late.
You know what time it is.

Come on, man.

Don't do that.
Whatever, man.

Real talk
now, we dig that.

We definitely dig that.

Good game. Word up.
That's all right.

You know you had
that in you.

You saw me with the --
Yeah, we did.

But uh, Mike?
Two nights in a row?

What you -- oh,
you talking about --?

Two nights in a row?

What, she got
bank or something?

She's sexy. She's sexy --
I don't know. I don't care.

She's got cake -- Hostess.

How much cake?

Ah, too much for
you -- too sweet.

I really don't get it.

I'm -- I'm the same
blood as my uncle.

Same blood!

And he keep hooking
me up with you know,

ugly, booger-woogers, man!

Come on.

I hate this, man!

Y'all get all
these exotic chicks,

looking good and freaky!

Look, look.

I don't know
about all that.

I don't even care
about all that.

I'm just saying
her name is Lisa,

so watch your mouth.

I don't want you
talking about her,

okay?

Watch my mouth?

Yeah, watch your mouth.

Man what is --?

Something happening!

I'm talking to my boys.

This is why people
don't talk to their boys,

you know what I'm saying?

Because y'all don't even
understand that part of life.

No, the reason why you
don't talk to your boys

because we know
the number one rule.

Which is what?

Never fall in love
with the customers!

That's the
number one rule,

stupid!

Just like your part.
You're fucked up.

I'm telling you
like -- He really is.

You sound ridiculous.

First of all,
we're not prostitutes.

Mm-hmm.

Secondly, I didn't
say nothing about love.

I'm just saying
something is happening.

There is something
happening that you

would't know that because
your momma don't even like you.

This is a
business, man!

Yeah.

This girl gonna get her
money's worth and be gone

because of
what you do, man.

Yeah, Mike.

At this point man, you're
just confusing fantasy

world with the
reality of the situation.

You mean like
what you do every day?

Like you confuse yourself
with Justin Timberlake?

(Laughing) Yeah.

Cry me a river, Seth!

[INDISCERNIBLE]
[INDISCERNIBLE]

[INDISCERNIBLE]
she had you.

Your mom cried a
river when she had you!

Well, guess what fellas,
I'd love to stay and talk

with you boys.

And I don't care what
you guys say, this is me.

Eminem? Right?

Mike Martin?
Huh? Tonight?

I'm getting it in.

You getting it in?

I'm getting
it in tonight.

You like a
base coconut!

Okay All right?
All right? All right?

You do that!

'Sup, D?

Haha!

What?

I'm in here with this.

You need to get
out of here with that.

Bro, I look like
I should be the new

superhero like move: One
man against all odds --

Michael Marcus:
Delivery Man!

Ha!

Delivery man, huh?

In theaters right now!

It's like you need
a delivery of like a

extra-large T-shirt --
(Sputtering) -- some

shorts, and you definitely
gotta lose those socks

before you go.

Can't leave the
house in those.

Right, yeah, the socks.

Definitely overkill.

Wow!

You're really
feeling this girl, huh?

Is it obvious?

Huh?

A little bit
obvious, yeah.

I guess we can't
control who we love, huh?

You think it's love?

I don't know, do you?

I don't know.

I know what
you need to do, man.

Have you heard
of The Test?

Stand up.

Have you taken it?

I'm gonna show
you the test, okay?

It's kind of all about
personal space, right?

And you're
in all of mine.

Yeah.

So it's about being
comfortable with personal

space, so we're
working on this right now.

So what you want to do is
take both of her hands.

All right, all right.

Hold them very
close, all right?

Okay.

Then as slow as you can
with complete eye contact,

take your hands, put
them behind -- yeah,

you're good -- take yours,
put them on her shoulder.

You want to slide your
right hand of kind --

I'm ticklish, Seth.

It's cool, it's cool.

I'm ticklish!

Just slide it all right
down -- I'm ticklish!

Just take it
in really close,

just like this.

Eye contact, right
here, right here man,

right here.

Ooh, [INDISCERNIBLE]
I'm right here, man.

I know what
this looks like.

It's the Love Test, man!
Come on.

Don't get weird.
Don't be weird.

It's the
Love Test, man!

You don't know
about the test?

No, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no!

What the fuck is going on?

It's The Test!

Come on, [INDISCERNIBLE].

The Test?
The Test, my ass!

Here he goes.

My boys!

My dogs I hang with
every day and work with?!

Come on, you know this
is -- This is bullshit!

You wanna become
[INDISCERNIBLE] and shit,

huh? Man --
No, I gotta go, man.

Wooow!

(Laughs) What
the fuck is that?

He's got a
little -- It's nasty!

He's got a --
This is nasty!

This is some nasty shit!

You not giving a shit --
Listen -- Bitches,

get away from
me, both of y'all!

He has a -- he has
a biker date, man.

He's good.

With who?

He's got to be ready!

No! God!
Get! Boys!

Hell.

(Laughing)
Are you good?

Mike, are you good?

Want to take a break?

We can feed the ducks.

Nah.

Just stretching out.

Gotta stick to the pants
where you gotta take breaks.

It fucked up
Lance Armstrong,

I tell you.

Yeah, fucked
up really bad.

Let's go!

You good?

No, no, let's go!

You good?

Yeah, go!

Okay.
Go!

I'm moving so
fast, you can't see me!

I do -- I'm a writer.

I'm a novelist.

(Laughing) I have
a book coming up called,

Coming up Short: About a
Brother Who Almost Made It

(laughter).

Okay, so you know how
to joke -- Of course,

I'm a master
-- a comedian.

Is that right?

Absolutely, yeah.

Okay, so coming to
the stage --

Uh, oh.

-- let's give a
warm applause to --

Introductions.

-- the Mr.
Michael Martin.

Oh, I'm here.
He's in it.

Listen, listen.
We're going to

jump right in,
ladies and gentleman.

We're going to
jump right in.

So there was a
monkey, a zebra,

and a donkey -- Uh-uh.

They decided
that -- Uh-uh.

You can't uh-uh me.

It's already bad!

You didn't
even give me a shot!

I can tell it's
already gonna be bad.

All right, all
right, I got another one.

Cause I got a
plethora of jokes.

(Chuckling)
So, knock-knock.

Oh God, a
knock-knock joke?

Really, that's
your comeback?

Knock-knock.

Who's there?

Me.

Me who?

Just me.

I don't like that joke.

What you mean you
don't like that joke?

(Chuckling) What
do you mean not that?

You know you
like that joke.

It's all good.

I hope I'm not
the only one that

had a good time tonight.

It was amazing.

Did I say good?
I meant amazing.

Mm-hm.
That was amazing.

Amazing.

Do you want to
come in for some coffee?

Uh, of course.

Yeah.

This is
really good coffee.

The best.

I use a special
filter to um...filter.

Mm.

All right, look.

I haven't stopped thinking
about you since the first

day we met.

I know the feeling.

Good, good.

Because you don't want
to be flying solo on that

mission.

No.

Mm-mm, nooo.

I really think that
something special is

happening here.

Agreed.

(silent conversation)
That was the first time

I ever drew and
I was terrible.

My grandma framed, put
it over the fireplace.

It -- it was
-- it was bad.

(Laughing) Well, I'm
sure she's very proud of

you now.

I'm sure she's smiling
down on us as we speak.

Mm-hm.

Yeah.

No -- I see your
lips [INDISCERNIBLE]!

(Laughing) I can't even
believe that I fell for

that!

You did, you did.

Maybe you can
meet her sometime?

That'd be nice.

Is it really 3:00
in the morning?

Yeah, yeah, it is.

I should go.

You're trouble.

Good night, Ms. Bryant.

Good night, Mr. Martin.

How long does it
take to fall in love?

Four hours, 24
minutes, 19 seconds.

Gentlemen,
gentlemen, gentlemen!

Let's get to work.

All right,
that's for you -- no,

actually
that's not for you.

That's for you.

And uh, check that out.

That's gonna be a
good one for you.

You're gonna be all right.

All right, got
some for you.

Haha!

Our first order of
business -- you ain't

gonna believe this.

Can't wait.

So I got online on a
brand new community of all

female little people.

Bumbumbumbum
-- Robin Thin,

he's ready to go.

Right?

That's you.

Let me tell
you guys something,

little people equal
big money, okay?

Hey. So stay
with me on this.

Who's with me?

Okay, next up,
welcome our new guy,

Chris, y'all!

Yes.

What up?
Chris!

What's up, Chris?

Show him the
ropes -- Hey,

hey, hey, hey
-- LLCC, huh?

Ladies Love
Cool Chris, LLCC!

(Chuckling) You
just got a nickname!

Cool Chris, y'all!
Cool Chris!

I'll be seeing
you at the food

court at the mall.
Call out them Mexicans.

And note this
that Chris is

in Jimmy's old seat.

Where's Jimmy?

[INDISCERNIBLE]
He's my dude.

Yeah, he was
very kind, right?

You gotta love him.

Jimmy's ass is fired!

Okay?

Now, I don't know how many
I gotta tell y'all this,

but there's no sex
with our clients.

Gentlemen, you are
the lady's fantasy.

The minute you
have sex with them,

guess what?

The fantasy is over.

And if the
fantasy is over,

then guess what?

Frank don't get no money.

If Frank don't
get no money,

Frank gets
nervous and upset.

If Frank gets
nervous and upset,

somebody gets killed!

What about (whistles)
just a hand job while

you're driving
them on a date,

just (clicking) you
know --

No hand jobs,
no fingering, no oral,

no ben-wa balls --
none of that, okay?

What's that one?

What's that?

What's ben-wa balls?

That's -- that's
one of my things.

Um, anyway as
I was saying,

you guys are the dream.

Women come to us to
get their fantasy,

and you've got to be that.

All right gentlemen,
that's all

I got right now.

But take those sheets
and check your email.

We got more
booking coming.

If you don't,
check your email.

If you miss it, we
moving onto the next guy.

I appreciate y'all.

Mike, let me
holler at you.

What's up, man?

Man, I hate to -- I
hate to get like that.

Right, you got somehow
-- you gotta let them know.

That's why
you're the top guy.

I try to be, man.

I don't know how you do
the voodoo that you do --

I got a little in my pocket
(pretend sprinkling).

(Laughing) Hit
them with that Mike.

The new client that
you just went out with?

Yeah, yeah, which one?

She just booked you
for the rest of the month.

Rest of the month?
Rest of the month, babe.

Come on.
My man.

I don't gotta
date no more of

these girls, right?

Whoa -- what?

I mean, why would you --
absolutely you've gotta

date the other girls.

I'm double duty?

We providing
a service, baby.

We can't stop
providing it.

So yes, you got this young
lady for the rest of the

month, but you still
service the other girls.

You got me?

I got you, man.

You know what I'm saying,
we gotta make 'em happy,

right?
Gotta make 'em happy.

Hey, M&M, right?

Money Mike!

Melts in your
mouth, not in your hand!

I see you, baby.

Hey, tell Delores that
turkey chili was amazing.

It's in my
fridge right now.

I don't know why -- I'm
not even into all that.

Every time it -- what
-- why you so happy?

Is that some
Little Bow Wow?

Hey, that's some
little Dion Sanders.

Okay.

Fontaine?

What's up, Pop?

I need to see you, man.

Shhh!

All right,
'cause -- Shhhh!

Silence of your clients!

Whatever -- whatever.
Woo-ooh-ooh-ohh-ooh.

What up Unc?

Why you don't give
me a little paper, baby.

What happened?
Why you give me no paper?

I really don't get that.

I was waiting, like I know
you got something new for

me today, baby.

I know you got that up.

Tell your nephew
something, baby.

Look, Fontaine,
we're not family at work.

We at work, man.

I don't know
how many times

I gotta tell you this.

But you're my uncle.

Same blood
type, everything.

What you -- what you mean?

But we at work,
and you've got to be

professional.

I'm always
professional,

but whatever you say, man.

I got you -- no
uncle -- got it.

All right, all
right, all right,

all right, all right.

Listen up, I got some
more rough girls for you.

(Sighs) Right there.

Gonna slide
that under there.

Hold your hand up.

You know what, uncle?

I think I'm gonna pass and
give this to the -- one of

the new dudes, 'cause hoo!

Yeah, I think I'm
catching something.

I think from the last
girl -- psh -- caught

something.

Caught something bad.

I've been -- uh, shit!

Uh -- this shit -- I don't
know what this shit is,

-- Come on, Fontaine.
Stop playing.

It'd been acting up on
me like this where I can't

even work this week.

Especially this shit!

It kicks in when I see
shit like this -- it kick

in more.

Oh, boy.

I can't do it, unc.

That shit coming out
my ass right now, Unc.

Would you -- would you
-- This -- this is what

I'm talking
about, Fontaine.

Not this week.
Not this week.

Not this --
give this to them.

I can't, unc.

Look, Fontaine
-- it's your forte!

Now, I know what's up.

Huh? How the hell is
this my forte, man?

Stop, okay?

Everybody has a
role around here.

Seth, what does he do?

He's our white chocolate.

Mike?
He brings in the big fish.

You?
You're my wild card.

Wild card, right.
Wow.

Okay?

You get -- you get all
of the hood rats --

All of them.

-- and the
clinically insane.

Haha!
And anybody that's whoa,

you lock that down.

I do, huh?

Okay, so I know it's already
been a really long day.

Yes.

And we still have
that radio interview

that you have to go do.

But I did build in a
two-hour window for you to

have a break before we
have to go to the Boys and

Girls Club for you
to read to the kids.

You have to get
ready for your

published authors banquet.

Oh Michelle --
What you gonna wear?

Let's just
put a pause in it.

I just need two minutes
for peace and quiet.

I get that way, too.

I just have to learn
how to turn my brain off.

Michelle --
You know,

it just keeps
going and -- okay,

peace and quiet.

I can be -- I
can be quiet.

I mean, I just, you know,
locking up and throwing

away the key.

It's not like I don't
have other things to do.

(Phone
buzzing) Okay?

Okay.

Your phone's
ringing though.

I have to answer it.

Please.

Hi, it's Ms.
Bryant's phone.

How can I help you?

Oh, hi Norma.

I'm sorry -- Mrs.
Jenkins Hernandez.

Uh no, she's actually
no time to speak

with anybody right now.

We're going over her
schedule for the day.

I do, but we have some
things that we have to do

today, so I'm sorry.

She does not want to
speak with anybody.

Yes.

But you really don't have
to get that way because

I'm only doing what
she asked me to do,

and I always have to have
this conversation with you.

Hold on.

Hey, girl.

I know, but she's
just doing her job.

Sure, that sounds good.

About an hour?

Okay, Pallano's in an hour
-- I'll see you there.

Oh, and I have to
tell you so much about

you-know-who.

(Laughing) Okay,
I'll see you there.

All right, bye.

Okay, pencil in lunch
with -- I got it --

Pallano's.

Thank you,
Miss Michelle.

What would you without
me keeping you on time?

Driving me crazy
with your schedule.

(Chuckling) we
have to go now,

because you have to
get to that interview.

All right, let's do it.

I don't see
nothing out here.

I mean, I've been
looking the whole time,

I still ain't
seen nothin'.

Whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa,

whoa, whoa, whoa!

Look at this booty.
Look at that!

Look at that!
Look at that booty!

Oh my God!
O-kay!

Oh my God!
Hoo! Hoo!

What you mean?

You wouldn't know
about no ass like that, boy?

Sure as hell I do, man.

You guys are just
like too-too much booty.

Too-too much booty?
Yeah. Too-too?

Man, you white boys
wouldn't know how to put

all your
you-know-what about that, boy.

Oh, that's
hilarious, bro.

I don't know
about no cakes.

I'll be honest
though, he might be right.

You know what I'm saying?

We might over-exaggerate
a little bit.

You know, but too-too
in the too-too -- uh!

Too-too in the
too-too -- uh!

too-too in the
too-too -- uh!

Too much too-too
in the too-too!

This dude likes booty-dos.

You know what
a booty-do is? No.

When the stomach sticks way
out like the booty do --

Literally - he likes
pregnant chicks.

If that's
what you want.

I know how
to pick booty!

Because
you're a field slave!

You know how to
pick 'em, of course!

You dang right!

Speaking of
slaves -- Yeah?

Can you cover for me?

I got a boogie
tonight/ What?

Cause you know
-- well, you know,

me and Lisa, we've been
spending the whole time --

And you wanna be
free if she calls?

You can go
running right away?

Hey, Lisa! You here?
I'm here for you.

You really think that's a
good idea to be cancelling

all your bookings, man?

I mean, what if she's not?

What if she's the one?

What if she's the one and
you just put your mouth on

my wife?

What did you just say?

That's an ass whooping
ready to happen.

Nah. Hold up, hold up now.
wait a minute.

What I'm hearing over here
is sounding like

Uncle Frank's golden boy is
missing out on clients?

Well, for a little old
girl with a black card?

How do you know
she had a black card?

You know me
and Unc, we tight.

We -- we cool.
Whatever.

Seth, you down?
Yeah, I got you, bro.

Thank you.
Not a word to Frank!

Man, I'm gonna tell you
like this.

Don't tell me what I
need to tell people.

Five dollars.

Man, you can't bribe me
for no -- Ten dollars.

That's a deal.
Deal. That's a deal.

I got you on that.
I'm gonna take this up.

But on the real
though, before I count this,

you really doing a dangerous
thing right here, Mike.

Mr. Fontaine
might be right, bro.

Yep.
Are you guys serious?

I mean, I know you
think you've got some

feelings for this girl.

But she might
be playing you, man.

Taking up all your
time one minute,

and the next minute
she just drops you.

By then, you won't have
any clients to go back to.

Listen, I
got this, okay?

Between you and me.
I got this.

It's all under control
-- all under control.

All right?
Huh?

Now, check this out.
All right, that's for you.

Let me see what
you're passing up here.

Merry Christmas.
let me see that.

Damn, you
passing up this one?

Hey, you know,
surprise right?

Ain't no fun if the
homies can't have that.

Let me see that,
let me see that.

Look Mike -- look man,
if you need help with your

clients, you -- you
know I got your back, man.

Oh, no, no.
This is not your type.

You know your
type -- Precious.

If she calls, I'm
gonna send her your way.

If she likes her
biscuits and her chicken,

and too-too booty,
you gotta feed her!

You gotta feed her!

Mike, Mike, I kept
that between us.

Don't say that in
front of the white boy.

Gotta feed her,
gotta feed her.

You know what?

Keep her off the heat though.

You cold.
Keep her off the heat.

I'm gonna tell my uncle
what you're doing.

I got a
couple of midgets, too.

I don't care
what you say.

I know you like
dick-height chicks.

(Clears throat) Huh?

Oh, hey Michelle
-- Yea, I know.

She's just a
little overzealous.

A little?

But you know what?

She gets the job done,
so it's probably good for you.

She does.

I don't know what I
would do without her.

I would be late
to everything.

By the way, why do you
insist on continuing to

use your
ex-husband's last name?

I mean, don't you think
Jenkins Hernandez sounds

a little funny?

Of course I do, but I
know it pisses him off.

Right, right.
So

-- Refresh my
memory -- why did you

marry this guy in
the first place,

and how did you manage to
make it last for all of

two months?

I married him
because he made me laugh.

He just didn't know how
to keep it in his pants.

That's what I get for
marrying a

Mexican immigrant with
money, right?

What you got
was $20 Million,

three fabulous cars, and a big,
beautiful house.

Wait a minute, I thought
you said he was Peruvian?

Whatever.
Okay,

so listen, so there's another
guy who I want you to meet.

Ladies,
enjoy your dessert.

Thank you.
Oh, thank you.

He is muy caliente.

Oh, sorry --
off the market.

Since when?

Hello?
Since Michael.

Yeah, but this
new guy, he's great.

He is perfect for you.

He is absolutely gorgeous.

Well, Michael is great
and perfect for me and

absolutely gorgeous.

Yeah, but why put all
your eggs in one basket?

You are the one who hooked
me up with Michael, right?

Yes, but I didn't
expect you to go all gaga

over the guy just
after one date.

Two dates and
a four-hour phone conversation.

Lisa, come on.

Come on, Norma!

You come on.

I mean, unlike
some people,

I don't have to sample every
flavor in the yogurt shop.

I find the one that I
like and I go with it.

What?
You hit a homerun.

I thought you'd be
patting yourself

on the back right about now.

Wait -- do you know
something about Michael I don't?

He's not married, is he?

Lisa, no.

But he's not the kind
of guy -- Is he gay? Bi?

No!
Okay.

So then he is
perfect for me.

And thanks to you, I've
found my Mr. Right...

and I'm gonna go for it.

I cried every time.

At the same point?

But the movie just
pisses me off in general,

because -- you promise
me you won't let go?

Promise me you
won't let go?

She had this dude in
the water and she let go!

I'm like -- I know.

And then there was like
that -- These chicks

ain't loyal.

You know what I'm saying?

Well, that was nasty.

I cried on that
[INDISCERNIBLE].

I'll never let go.

Hahaha!

That was a good line.

That was a good line.

So you know I am that -- I
am a romance type of guy,

you know what I mean.

How you doing, Betty?

Uh, could I get two
tickets for He's Mine,

Not Yours?

Sure,
that'll be $13.50.

Thirteen fifty?

Cool.

Do I know you?

Have I seen
this guy before?

I think he was here
last week with a white

girl.

I was here last
week with a white girl?

Got another guy,
got another guy.

I get that all the time.

I look like every man.

I'm more of a -- it's
a recognizable face.

Are you gonna pay?

You have to pay me
before I give you the

tickets.

Oh, right.

Here -- there you go.

So thanks for
hating on me,

brother.

Uh, I appreciate that.

Enjoy your show.
Thank you.

Appreciate that.
Nice to meet you!

Mm-hm.
For the first time.

Both of you
guys -- haters.

Both of you guys.
It's cool.

Both of you guys.
It's cool.

Both of you guys.
It's cool.

Both of you guys.
It's cool.

Both of you guys.
It's cool.

(Laughing) So she
says since my first two

novels did so
well regionally,

they want to expand their
distribution to a broader

market and do a
national release,

a publishing campaign
-- the whole nine,

and that comes with
a very nice advance.

I kept my cool in
front of her of course,

but Michelle and I got
outside and damn near lost

our minds!

(Chuckling)
I'm so excited!

Oh yeah.

I'm excited for you guys.

Are you sure?

Huh?

You seem distracted.
Is everything okay?

Yeah,
everything is fine.

You're you -- you
really deserve it.

Well, can I -- can I
just be straightforward?

Yeah, of course.

there's
something happening here.

I think we both feel
like something special

happening here, right?

I think so.
Don't -- don't you?

Yeah, yes.

No question.

I just -- you know, I find
myself in that place where

it's like, What
are we doing?

What does it all mean?

How -- where do
we go from here,

you know?

Like I -- sure, we've
both had our share of

relationships and have
been hurt and hurt people.

I understand all that.

But I-I just -- I want
to go through things with you.

I want to laugh.

I want to do
normal things -- bake.

I-I want to do a
kids' book together.

Obviously, I'm
not the writer,

but I would -- and I know
that's rushing way ahead,

which is why I'm
asking you this,

because since we've met,
I haven't dated anybody.

I haven't even
thought about it.

I actually think I fell in
love with you as soon as I

laid eyes on you.

And it was instant -- I
knew right then that was

-- that you're
my soul mate,

and that we've
been here before.

I usually say all the
right things and never

mean them, and I'm sure
I'm saying all the wrong

things.

But for the first time,
all the wrong things are

the truth.

So I don't
know what to do.

I can't eat, I
can't sleep,

can't -- I -- you'll
have to stop me cause I'm

rambling.

I'm -- it's just
been driving me crazy.

So I'm gonna need
you to say something,

please.

Wow.

Wow.

Was I out of line
or should -- No,

are you serious?

Well --
Did you mean it,

what you just said?

All of it, Lisa.

Michael,
don't play with me.

I swear on
everything that is sacred,

and I mean
every single word.

I'll close the door.

I know that earlier,
when I said if you want to

watch a movie or just been
enjoying watching you in

this dress, so --
(kissing) Okay,

see now know --
there's the highway.

(Laughing) We're
on the tarmac right now,

about to take
off for taxiing.

And I just
want you to know.

Wait, I just want you
to know--time out--I know.

I like you and
I respect you,

and I feel
funny in my stomach,

like that -- that shit.

Are you sure about this?

Mm-hm.

Are you sure?

Yes.

Are you sure?

Yes.

Okay, come on.

Y-yes.

Look, I'm sorry.

He will not miss
another appointment!

Uh look, we don't do that
at MyMr.Right -- (phone

ringing).

Uh, okay -- hang on.

Hello?

Yes.

Yes, this is Frank.

Absolut- -- ah!

I'm -- look,
ma'am, I know.

I -- get -- hold on.

(Phone buzzing) How
did you get my cell?

Look, this is not
Michael's -- Frank,

Michael Martin stood
me up on two dates!

Sent some little
troll in his place.

And he cancelled
on me three times!

Sent some white
boy in his place!

Oh!

Sorry, not that I
don't do white men.

But sending one to my
big momma's wedding?

Uh-uh!

I don't want to have to
take my business

somewhere else.

Mm, I heard that.

Oh, wait, wait, wait.

Ladies, ladies,
ladies, let's not jump to

conclusions now.

Y'all know Frankie is
always taking care of you

-- both of you!

Haven't I?

Haven't I?

Yes.

Until lately.

So?

Get this -- I
have a new guy.

This guy is better
than Michael ever was!

I don't want some
second-rate Michael!

I want the real thing.

And if I don't, I want
all my money back

-- every penny.

Mm-hm, me too.

Let me tell
y'all something.

What Frank is not going
to do is give no damn

refunds, okay?

You ain't
getting a refund,

you ain't
getting a damn refund.

Oh, you're going to
give me my money back --

You -- let me
tell you something,

Laverne and Shirley --
Let me tell you how you're

giving me my money back.

You gonna give me my
money back!

Oh, whoa, whoa!
Hold on now!

Wait a second there.

You ain't gotta -- the
violence is not called

for, okay?

So you know, since you
are willing to take steps

beyond normality,
we'll give you a refund,

okay?

Thank you.

You, on the
other hand ma'am,

will not get anything.

So why are
we meeting here?

Because I got
people watching me.

Listening to us --
all types of ears.

When you Frank,
people be all over you.

Matter of fact,
you wearing a wire?

No, I'm not
wearing a wire.

Look like you
got an underwire.

So because of your girl,
I've been losing clients

left and right all day.

You don't know what it's
like for these bit- these

ladies to be calling and
-- and dropping by the

office,
looking for Michael.

"Where's Michael
at?" Michael this,

Michael that!

Not good for business.

Okay look, I know that
you're losing money and

everything like
that and I apologize,

but -- I'm losing
boatloads of money!

Michael is my top draw.

But ever since your girl
Lisa came into his life

and got his
nose wide open,

he all of a sudden don't
want to take no clients!

Look, you know
what as well as I do,

these type of
relationships don't even last.

True, and that's
exactly what I tried to

tell Lisa.

What if -- hm --
what if they split up?

What?

I mean, what
if they split up?

Okay, if they
were to break up then,

Lisa would be heartbroken
and then she would blame me.

Then what?

What am I supposed to do?

Do-do-do Frank look
like he give a damn about

what you supposed to do?

Frank don't care!

Frank care about Michael,
because when Michael is

feeling good, the
ladies is feeling good.

When Michael
ain't feeling good,

well guess what?

Frank lose money.

When Frank lose money,
everybody unhappy because

Frank wilds out!

So it looks like you
and I both have a vested

interest into seeing this
little love charade come

to an end.

We do.

So what do you suggest?

Hm -- I have a plan.

But I need you.

You in?

I'm in.

Okay, okay.

You in, I'm in.

You know,
that's a good thing,

you know.

Maybe we can get
in, know what I mean?

You know what?

Just text me later, okay?

Like what
time, you think?

You got a good
looking mouth though,

I'll tell you that.

Ugh.

Mouth on this.

My -- oh, whoa.
Okay.

A mouth on
this, all right.

That thing know she fine.
Goddamn.

Hey, girl!

I'm good.

I'm glad you called.

Listen, you
wanna grab a coffee?

I uh -- I need
to talk to you.

Okay.

I'll see you in a sec.

(Sighs) Haha, my man.

What's going on, sir?

I see you, girl.

Haha, Money Mike!
Hey.

Hey, man.

My man.

Hey, uh is Sarah pregnant?

Something.

She gained a
little bit of weight!

Yeah,
getting swoll, right?

I'm not sending over
no more Rusty's Pizza.

No more Rusty's Pizza.

It's your fault.

I know, I know.

It's really your fault.

She's got a cute face.

Anyways -- I kind of
like her a little thick

like that, you know.

But yeah, man.

What's going on, man?

I was thinking the other
day that all the ladies

love Money Mike.

Aah!
Don't hurt me!

How you do it?

AAAAAAH!

They love it.

They love it.

They love it.

All the ladies'
man, except one.

Which one?

Oh, man --
what was that?

Oh, a Lisa Bryant.

Li-?

Yeah.

Lisa Bryant?

Yeah.

Oh, Lisa Bryant?

You remember that --?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

The like -- the whole
month thingy that -- yeah.

Yeah, what -- Yeah.

What'd she say?

I know this is
gonna be crazy,

because I -- I couldn't
even wrap my mind around

it when she hit
me with this.

So she seemed to think
(chuckling/snorting)

I'm sorry, I'm sorry!

She thinks you're
falling in love with her!

(Chuckling/snorting)
Right?

(Nervous
chuckle) Really?

Yes!

It's crazy, right?

Crazy.

Crazy, dude.

Nuts!

That's what I
tried to tell her!

I'm like, "That's not the
way we get down!"

At all.

Especially
not Money Mike,

What?

But you know, I mean she
said that -- that she felt

like you know, you
were getting a little too

serious.

She even said that
she -- you know,

she did kind
of initiate it.

I guess she wanted to
pretend that it was real,

you know. But --

you know.

Wow.

I...

It's crazy, right?

Deep shit.

It ain't
you -- it's her!

It's her.

She trying to
infiltrate your world.

Because I know one thing
about Money Mike: Money

Mike is not gonna let
feelings come between

business, right?

Never.

She even cancelled like
the rest of the month.

She just like, "Yeah,
I'm good." You know?

She said -- she
said it like that?

Like, "I'm good"?

I -- I was talking
to her on the phone,

but it looked like
her hands went up like,

"I'm good!" Yeah, man.

Anyway -- anyway
man, so if I was you,

I -- they can't
never stop cold turkey,

so she's probably
going, you know,

try to hit you up.

You know, still
try to reach out.

Man, I suggest you
just -- just push back, man.

You know what I'm saying?

See that?

You have to push back
-- create some space.

See, cause what
these women do,

they try to
infiltrate your space.

See, you -- you
like the juggernaut,

you understand me?

You got all that and
they try to break inside,

but the juggernaut
don't allow that.

You Money Mike, baby.

I'm Money Mike.

You Money Mike!

You know what I'm saying?

(Chuckling) Ha!

That's what
I'm talking about.

She'll try to
call you though.

Don't even -- you
know what I'm saying?

You gotta -- you
gotta accept all that.

See how I'm -- see that?

I hear you, babe.

Come on, man.

Right?

See you, boy.

All right.

All right!

Haha, my man, Money Mike.

(sighs) Money Mike.

Mm.

What?

To you, my friend,
who will soon be New York

Times Best-selling Author.

Why thank you, my dear.

But it's a little
early for that,

don't you think?

Mm-mm, not at all.

They don't release a book
nationally unless they

think it's
bound for success.

Trust me.

Have I steered
you wrong yet?

No, you've
been spot on, actually.

Thank you.

Especially
with Michael.

Girl, my life is so
blessed right now to have

the best friend
I could ask for,

a major book release,
and the man of my dreams.

And to think I came this
close to hiring a date --

terrible.

But now we have to
find your Mr. Right.

Lisa, I need to talk
to you about Michael.

Yes, let's
talk about him.

Honey, I know you're
crazy about the guy.

I am.

I am.

Michael isn't the
man you think he is.

My friend -- the one who
introduced me to him --

told me that if you're
looking for something

long-term,
Michael isn't your guy.

Okay Norma, I know you
think I'm taking things

too fast with
Michael, but -- Lisa,

just listen please.

Michael is
going to hurt you.

He has this track record
of leading women on and

right when
things get serious,

he moves on.

My friend knows.

Well, how
does she know?

She -- her
sister dated him.

Okay, so if
he's so awful,

why did she have you
set me up with him?

Come on, Lisa.

We've been through this!

It was supposed to
be a one-time thing,

just a date for
your birthday.

Nobody expected you
to fall for the guy.

I don't believe you.

Fine!

Fine, then
don't believe me.

But just be careful, okay?

The last thing I want
is to see you get hurt.

Right.

It's just a matter of
time before he starts to

distance himself from you.

He -- don't say I
didn't warn you.

You know what, Norma?

Maybe it's time you found
a man that you can be

happy with so you can
stop trying to ruin other

peoples' happiness.

This is stupid.

I'm outta here.

(Phone ringing)

You have reached a number
that is no longer in service.

Please check the number
and try your call again.

Thank you.

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

I don't get it, Norma.
Two weeks and not a word.

I tried to tell you.

I know.
I know.

I'm sorry I
didn't listen to you.

I'm very sorry I
reacted the way I did.

It's all right.

That's what guys do.
They all play games.

I really
thought this was it.

He's obviously a jerk.

Thank you, girl.

All right, oh, no, no.

We got you covered.

(chuckling) No, he'll
be there and on time.

All right, gonna be great.

I know, I know.

(Chuckling) Yeah.

Well?

What's up, Mike?
Good to see you, man.

Good to see you.

What's going on?

Customers complaining
again, or what?

No, no, no, no.

I just wanted
to see you, man.

How are you?

Pfft, good.

Never better.

Mike?

Yeah?

I know you, okay?

Good friend.

Look, (sighs) I know
this business could mess

with your head
sometimes, man,

especially -- especially
when the puppet master

becomes the puppet.

But the sooner you can
get back in the game,

the better you'll be,
you know what I mean?

Hm.

You feeling me?

Yeah, I feel you.

You ready to
get back to work?

Ready to go, baby!

Melts in your mouth.

Not in your hand.

(Chuckling) I tell you
what -- I tell you want.

I got -- I got the
perfect booking for you.

Check that out.

Huh?

Yeah?

Mm-hmm.

Right?

Okay.

I'll shoot that to
your email -- show her

a good time, man and
you have some fun.

My man.

Hey, man.

Yeah?

Good to have you
back on you're A-game.

Good to be back.

♪

(Chuckling) The
girls are looking good.

I need some help
in your department.

Thank you.
Oh, stop it. Stop it.

I'm glad I was finally
able to tie you down for

drinks, Miss
Big-Time Author.

Well, what can I say?

Wait, hold on.

Let me grab a pen, because
I need your autograph.

Okay, I'm a very
important person but that

is a bit much.

I'm proud of you.

Aw.

And you look
absolutely amazing.

Thank you.

I'm a big girl, you know.

I always bounce back.

Hey, that's my girl!

Thank you very much.

(Laughing)
Lisa -- Lisa!

Michael is here
-- with a woman!

I know.
I see him.

Just stay calm, okay?

I'm trying.

Do you want to
get out of here?

Yes.

Where-where is the waiter?

I will get him.
Just -- are you okay?

No, hurry please.

[INDISCERNIBLE], yeah?

Oh boy this is
[INDISCERNIBLE].

We went to
France two years ago.

It was -- we went to
the [INDISCERNIBLE].

What the -- Lisa,
what are you doing?

You know what?

Just go back to your
little whack-ass date and

leave Lisa alone, okay?

She's tired of
your bullshit!

That's right, I don't
need to be bothered with

no more tired men!

Tired man, what
are you talking about?

I treated you
like a queen.

Yeah, after you tried
to get into her pants.

You know what?

Congratulations,
mission accomplished.

Boy bye!
Boy bye, you bye!

Exactly what she said.

No, they slide you
and go with Rhianna.

You know, what I
thought what we had was

serious but I
guess I was wrong.

I hope one day
you feel the

same way I feel
right now.

I hope you know what it
is to be manipulated into

falling in love and
being -- What are --?

-- and then being
thrown out like the trash!

-- you talking about?

You threw me away
like the trash!

Lisa, come on.
Let's go --

And why is
she talking?

No, no, no.
I want to hear this.

Please tell me how
I threw you out, Michael.

Don't touch me.

I was head over
heels...correction

I am head over
heels in love with you.

I'm in love
with Lisa Bryant!

Yeah, you were everything
I needed and more --

So how are we here?
Why are we here?

Because this is
what you wanted!

What the hell are
you talking about?

Huh?
You did this, not me!

Lisa, let's just go!
Come on, let's just go.

You called Frank and
asked him to shut it down,

said it was
getting to serious.

Who is Frank?

Right?
Right or wrong?

Who is Frank?
Oh, who is Frank?

Ringing any bells?

What is he
talking about?

You play with -- I'll
tell you talking about.

You go online, pull out
the little black card, huh?

Yeah, got the
black card, huh?

And then you
went bop, bop, bop, bop.

Book your man, huh?

Great time!
Great time!

But when you're over it,
you throw him to the curb

like the trash.

Well guess what?

I'm out!

Wait a
minute, black card?

I'm done.

Norma?

I didn't
complete a profile.

Oh my God.

What is she
talking about, Norma?

Huh?

Norma!

Lisa, I just wanted to
give you one night with a

man of your dreams.

It was not supposed
to go this far.

So you go on a site
for an escort service?

It's not an
escort service.

And you complete
a profile without my

knowledge.

Lisa, I'm sorry.

But it wasn't
supposed to be this way.

You were
supposed to be my sister!

Lisa, Lisa.
Lisa.

Lisa.

I don't know what
that was back there,

and I don't care.

I don't care!

Okay?

Here I am, right
here, right now.

We were both lied to.

I get it.
I get it.

Let's start over, hm?

Let's start
over right now.

Okay, I'm Michael Martin.

I'm an artist.

Let's go get
some ice cream.

I hate ice cream.
(Car starting)

(Doorbell ringing)

The hell you
doing here?

How'd you get my address?

Frank -- look, as
hard as it is for me to be

here, it's not
even about me.

It's not about you.
It's about Lisa.

So, can I come in or are
we just going to stand here?

Come on.

Thank you.

Oh, so you really
do paint, huh?

I really do paint.

What's up?
Why are you here?

Do you really feel
the way you said at the

restaurant?

You've gotta
be kidding me.

You came all the way down
here to ask me a question?

Don't play with me.

Do you love Lisa
like you said you do?

I love her like
the real kind, Norma.

You happy?

I believe you.

I guess all is
right with the world.

So now what?
Huh?

I may have a plan.

Wanna share it?

I don't have one now.

So you're just
saying you got

a plan to come up
with a plan?

That does me no good.

I miss her.

Makes two of us.

You know what?

Has she seen these?

Mm-mm.

(Laughing) Okay
Norma, I see you.

I see you.

(Phone
buzzing)

Hey Honey, it's me again.

Look, I know
you're still mad at me, but

I have to give
this one last shot.

If you say no this time,
I promise I won't ever

bother you again.
But,

will you meet me at the
Shroud Gallery tomorrow?

There's a new exhibit
there and

I know you'll love it.

It'll be like old times.

Let's say
tomorrow around 2:00?

If you don't come, then

I know where
our friendship stands.

Well, I pray I
see you there.

All right, love you, Sis.
Bye.

Mrs. Hernandez?
They're ready for you now.

Okay, one second.
Okay, thanks so much.

So without further
ado, ladies and gentlemen,

I am honored to
present to you the artist,

Mr. Samuel Michael Martin.

My golden boy!

You did
good, you did good.

Yeah?

Get out --
get out of here.

Wow, I'm not um -- I'm
not really good at these

moments, but I-I just
want to first thank Norma.

Thank you guys for coming.

Um, there's a lot of faces
that I see out here

right now that directly
had a hand in

every stroke of the work
that's up here right now.

Um, the work you see on
display right now is um --

it was inspired
by uh --

by um, a special woman who
um I couldn't figure out

how to tell her how
I really felt.

So I -- I just put
it on the canvas.

A wise man
once said to me,

"You can't paint what you
don't know."

I know her.

Go.
Go get her! Go!

You sure?
Yes! Go, run!

It's not --
Get out of here!

Go get it.
Go ahead, man.

Lisa Bryant,

keep running! I'm
gonna keep chasing you.

You inspired all of that.

Every color, every stroke.

Lisa, time we shared
together changed my life.

Every stroke, every kiss,
every touch --

it's all in
those paintings.

I never lied to you.

I've loved you since
the first day we met

and I love you
even more now.

Look, I know we
met in the most

unusual circumstances,
right?

But isn't there a chance
-- just a small chance --

that we might've been
blessed with some random

act of serendipity?

I'm here.

I'm right here, right now.

Give me a chance.

Give me a
chance to show you.

Give me a
chance to show up!

I'm your guy.

I'm your guy.

Don't say nothing.

That was a good kiss.

What?

Two scoops?

Two scoops of what?

Ice cream.

Aah!

If you're lactose
intolerant now,

don't be
farting in my face.

That's not me.

Let's get
some ice cream.

Yeah, let's get some.

I'm going to get you
one scoop and I'm going to

be mad when I get it.

Why?
Cause.

Because this is a
complete waste of time.

Give me that damn cone!

Now!

Now!

(Chuckling) I
want the cone now!

Today my blog is
about living

in my own romance novel.

Ladies, I'm here to tell
you that Mr. Right does

exist.

I found mine and if you
open your heart to new

possibilities, you
might just find yours,

too.