Mr. Mom (1983) - full transcript
Jack and Caroline are a couple making a decent living when Jack suddenly loses his job. They agree that he should stay at home and look after the house while Caroline works. It's just that he's never done it before, and really doesn't have a clue.
Honey, wake up.
- You sleep okay?
- Oh, me?
Never better, like a log.
Good, 'cause your shower's ready.
Oh, thanks.
Morning.
Morning, Alex.
Morning, hi, mommy.
Did you sleep good?
Mm-hmm, I'll wake Kenny.
Okay, but don't touch his woobie.
It's gonna be
a beautiful day in Detroit today.
Weatherman says we're
going to have sunny skies.
Now I'll tell you what,
there's a lot of traffic out there.
A lot of beautiful cars, though.
We want you to roll up the window,
lean back and enjoy all the good sounds
that we're gonna be playing
for you this morning.
Of course you know I
always play your favorites.
Alex, don't, no!
Ah, damn it!
Morning, baby!
Hi, sweetie, how are you?
How did you sleep?
Hmm, should we go get daddy?
Shall we, oops!
There you are.
Morning, good morning.
Morning, campers.
How's everybody today?
Hiya, Megan.
Great, trucks.
What are we watching here, Kenny?
Robots, thank you.
Thanks, babe.
Okay, here's the joke of the day.
What's green and rides through the west?
The Lone Pickle.
Okay, they're onto me, hon.
We're all onto you, honey.
That's them, I gotta go.
Okay, baby, bye.
Thanks, don't change a thing.
Leave that face exactly
like that, all right?
I don't want it washed by the time
I come home, 'cause it looks great.
Call me later!
Oh, man, what's the record
for the least amount of sleep ever?
I think Lindbergh has it.
Yeah, well, I think
I beat him last night.
You heard anything, Jinx?
If I did, wouldn't I tell you guys?
Not necessarily.
That's right.
You didn't tell Lou until
after he chipped in for gas money.
Hey, fellas, I'm telling you.
It's as simple as this.
If you can't sell cars,
you can't pay people.
Now, come on, come on, relax.
I like splitting gas money four ways.
Hey.
Hey, Butler.
How you doin', gents?
Havin' a good time?
I love it.
You know, I love comin' down here,
watchin' something go
from the drawing board
to the assembly line.
It's a treat.
Yeah, it's thrilling for us too.
Yeah, real thrilling.
What's the matter, boys?
You look depressed.
You worried about the Lions?
They're slow starters, don't
worry, it's pre-season.
Hey, we ain't worried about the Lions!
What we're worried about is the lines.
Amen.
Lines?
Yeah, unemployment lines, welfare lines,
food lines, you know, those lines?
Lines, lines.
Yeah.
Me and my wife went to the
movies the other night.
We saw Rocky.
And I'm watching this
movie and I'm thinking
there's something about
this movie that reminds me
of the situation at work, you know?
Which Rocky was it?
One or two or three?
Uh, one, I think.
I don't know.
Who was he fightin'?
Hey, did he have a mohawk?
Like Mr. T?
I don't know, I don't remember.
The point is, here's a guy who's taking
a pretty bad beating, you know?
He's up against the ropes, his eye's cut--
Was his manager dead or alive?
- Yeah.
- All right, forget Rocky.
Forget I brought it up,
get it outta your head.
The point is, when you're down,
you're not necessarily out.
You know, I mean, you gotta hang tough.
I don't know.
Jack Butler,
report to the staff office.
I gotta go, guys, see you later.
Well, hang tough, baby.
Yeah, be Rocky!
They're gonna knock him out, baby.
Think so?
He didn't see Rocky.
Larry!
Larry!
Are you crazy?
What'd you do that for?
Why didn't you tell me this
morning I was being canned?
I couldn't say anything
until it was official!
Wait a minute!
Wait a minute, guys, wait.
Oh, Jinx.
You did it, didn't you?
You fired these guys after
all they've contributed.
- Jack.
- Aw, don't "Jack" me.
After the support!
Jack.
Aw, man, after the
devotion they gave you.
You're fired too.
Now you fire me.
I'm fired?
You son of a bitch!
I'll kill ya!
You're not fired.
Technically furloughed.
Why don't you give me a break!
I'm telling you, there's
blood all over my slide rule!
None of it's yours, Jinx.
Come on, come on.
Something's gonna turn up.
You guys are terrific engineers.
You're too damn good not
to catch on somewhere.
Where am I gonna catch on, Jake?
Where we gonna catch on?
Nagasaki?
The Ruhr Valley?
You're not exactly walking
out of here empty-handed.
You've got your full severance.
You got your profit sharing.
Here.
Guess what.
A surprise.
Full pro rata refund for this month's gas.
Great.
There's only one more thing I want.
- What's that?
- Disability!
Oh, no!
No, oh, no!
- No!
- Larry!
Larry!
Come on!
Keep that sense of humor,
buddy, it's critical.
Hey, Jinx!
Oh, no!
Hold it!
Larry!
Get the valium.
♫ Plop, plop, fizz, fizz
oh, what a relief it is
Jack, keep in touch.
I will, Larry.
You all right?
- Oh, yeah.
Okay, 'cause remember what Jinx said.
Keep that sense of humor.
It's critical.
- It's critical.
Love you, Jack!
Alex, Kenny, come on.
Hurry up!
That's good, step to.
Hup, two, three, four, that's it.
Nice, boys.
You look real nice.
Does daddy know he got fired yet?
Yes, he knows but we're not gonna
mention it to him, are we, honey?
We want daddy to feel good, don't we?
You hear that?
He's coming now.
Everybody smile real big.
Hi, dad!
Hey.
Hi.
Boy, you guys look nice.
What, do you all have dates or something?
We heard you got fired.
Laid off.
Just laid off, honey, remember?
Technically, furloughed, sport.
You're not a bum, are you, daddy?
No, but I'm workin' on it.
You want my Woobie?
Actually, I kinda would like it.
But instead I'll take a kiss.
Okay, come on, everybody.
Let's eat dinner.
We're having special dinner tonight.
What are we having?
- Colonel Chicken.
- We can't afford that!
Let's enjoy it, it may be our last.
You know, I know this sounds crazy,
but I actually feel great.
I don't know why.
I don't know why, but I feel great.
I do, you know.
Because, I don't know,
now I'll have the time
to do some work around the house
I've been wanting to get to.
And, you know, we're in pretty good shape.
Yep, we are, for a while.
Wait, what do you think?
I'll never get another job again?
Don't worry about it.
I already put the word out.
What would you say if I did too?
Did too do what?
I put the word out.
I mean I have a couple of years'
experience in advertising.
I have a college degree.
There's no reason I shouldn't
try to get a job myself.
Wait a minute, excuse me,
have I been missing something?
I mean, has your phone
been ringing off the hook?
Well, no, Jack.
You think you're gonna
get a job before I do?
Oh, Jack, this isn't a contest.
No, hon, this'll be good.
This is a good idea.
We'll make it a contest.
- What?
- It'll be fun.
I'll bet you a hundred to one
you don't get a job before I do.
- Jack--
- Okay, come on, doll face.
Give me a dollar.
I don't even have a dollar.
Oh, you wanna bet, but
you don't have a dollar?
Hey, I don't wanna bet.
Hey, I thought somebody
said they wanted to bet.
Wait till I get the kids.
I don't bet, I don't take
bets, I don't believe in bets.
You're bettin' now, Alex, Kenny!
Come here.
I want you to know it's comin'
out of my severance pay too.
Come on, guys, hurry.
This is gonna be fun.
Guess what, I'm makin' mommy a bet.
Daddy's betting mommy 100
dollars to just her one dollar...
Wow.
That she doesn't get a job before me.
Kenny, hold the money.
I better hold it, dad.
Money makes him crazy.
- Good point.
- It isn't healthy.
Well, it may not be healthy,
but it's fun, right, guys?
- Oh, Jack.
- Dad, can we bet too?
Absolutely!
Take the money, Caroline.
Jack, I don't want the money.
Look, you won.
A bet's a bet!
Jack, I don't take bets,
and I don't want your money.
Aren't you being a
little hard on yourself?
No, it's fine!
I mean, you have applied to everything
on wheels from Toyota to Schwinn.
You're gonna get a job
any day now, really.
Uh-oh, I'm going to be late.
My first day.
I want to make a very good impression.
How do I look?
You look great.
You're gonna make a great impression.
Now, do you wanna go over
that list one more time?
No, I don't wanna go over the list!
Okay, let's go over the list.
Remember, when Kenny starts talking to
his breakfast, that means
he's finished, right?
Alex has to school at 7:30.
- His pickup is 1:00 sharp.
- 1:00.
When Megan starts
rubbing her little ears,
it means it's time for her nap.
But don't let her sleep past 11:30,
because then she won't go
down for her afternoon nap.
Nap, 1:00, okay.
Wait a minute, will
she rub her ears again?
No, just in the morning.
And please don't let her
sit around in a wet diaper.
Obviously, hon.
Kenny, he'll pretty
much take care of himself,
won't you, honey?
I mean, just keep him busy.
Give him his tinkertoys
or his coloring book.
I think Alex will be a little
helper, won't you, honey?
Sweetie.
All right, just relax,
you're gonna be great.
There's nothing to this, you know.
Hon, we got it covered, right, guys?
Okay.
Oh, boy, am I gonna miss you guys.
Take it easy on daddy.
Remember, he's a rookie.
Bye, mom.
Bye, honey.
- Mommy?
- Yes?
It's a jungle out there.
Very funny, Jack.
What, I don't know where he gets this.
On second thought, I
will take this money.
I might need it for
lunch or something special.
Okay.
Actually, a lot of
men would love to have
this kind of time to
spend with their kids.
Hon, you're looking at one.
I'm telling you, I'm a
regular Phil Donahue here.
Yes, you are.
Okay, okay.
Come here.
- Okay.
Go get 'em.
Oh, thanks for the loan.
- Dad, you passed it!
- Passed what?
We're right on time.
But you're doing it wrong.
Mommy doesn't do it like this.
We're gonna do it
the Jack Butler method.
What is this?
This is nuts.
Why are they all honking?
Because you're doing it wrong.
Tell me I'm doing it wrong.
I know how to do this.
Hi, Jack, I'm Annette.
Hi.
You're doing it wrong.
See?
This is what I tell all my new mommies:
We enter from the south
and we exit from the north.
And we do just the
reverse when we pick up.
This way our little
ones don't have to walk
between the cars to get
to the learning facility.
Okay, move it out, and
remember, south to drop off,
north to pick up.
Pick 'em up.
Okay, that's a good system.
South to drop off, moron!
Actually, I'm very excited to be going
back to work, especially here with Ron.
Ron?
And who would Ron be?
Oh, Ron Richardson.
Everyone here at the
Richardson-Frankel agency
calls him Mr. Richardson.
Well, he asked me to call him Ron.
And when was that?
In what context?
In the context of my interview at lunch.
Lunch?
Mm-hmm.
Well, now, before we go in here,
let me give you some advice.
Keep your mouth shut and your ears open,
and you just might learn something.
You want to knock it off?
Ron, what is your position?
Thank you.
My father founded this
agency on Schooner Tuna.
It's the cornerstone of all our accounts.
So my position is,
somebody better figure out a way to
sell some tuna fish pretty damn quick.
We have people to do that.
Sorry.
Habit.
Everybody please
welcome Caroline Butler.
- Hello.
- Hi, Caroline.
Since you're probably
the only one in the room
that got a decent night's sleep,
maybe you could have a fresh opinion.
Do, any of these layouts, does
anything make sense to you?
I'm not qualified to
judge anything, really.
It's my first day, and--
You ever eat tuna fish?
Yes.
You're qualified.
Okay, well...
Let's see here.
Well, this is very good.
I like, it's mermaids?
Original.
Caroline.
"Yum, yum, tuna bits."
That's very funny.
Cut the crap.
Right.
Look, you want me to be
really honest with you, Ron?
No, lie to him.
He likes it.
Well, frankly, none of this
stuff would influence me.
All right?
That's good.
Come on, Ron.
She doesn't know a tuna
fish from a Cheerio.
Damn good thing we don't
have the Cheerio account.
When was the last time any of
you people were in a supermarket?
Good morning, shoppers.
We have some specials in
the store this morning,
and we'd like to let you know about them.
Over in the frozen food section--
Kenny, where are the eggs?
Over there, dad.
I have the right of way.
Right, sorry.
Here.
We'll settle out of court.
Oh, weirdo.
Irv,
clean up in aisle four.
Aisle four, check.
Irv, clean up in produce!
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to.
Kenny, did I tell you not
to touch the grapefruit?
Next.
May I have a half a pound of ham?
Boiled, baked, smoked, salt-cured,
sugar-cured, prosciutto or westphalian?
All right, forget it.
Just tell you what, just give me,
give me a half pound of salami.
Italian, kosher, hard, pork,
beef, cotto or what?
Just get bologna, mister.
I'll tell you what.
Just give me a quarter pound of cheese.
American, bleu, cream, cottage,
gouda, edam, provolone, romano, swiss.
You have your entire cheddar family.
Can you run the hams back one more time?
I just want...
Stay right here, okay?
Comin' back.
Half pound of salami, half pound of swiss,
half pound Virginia ham, two celery.
I think these are on special.
Doesn't matter, sorry, go ahead.
Let me check.
Irv, are these Kotex maxi pads on special?
Never mind, Irv, sorry, forget it.
Kotex, 19 cents off.
Thanks, Irv.
All right, Ken.
My baby!
Who are you?
Steven.
Mom!
Kenny!
Ken!
Mom!
Here, eat this spaghetti.
Irv,
spaghetti on aisle nine.
Spaghetti, aisle nine, check.
Kenny!
Hey, I'll trade ya.
My kid for yours.
Thank you.
I don't have any kids!
Did you see my little girl?
Yeah, she's adorable.
She's lost.
You left a child in a shopping cart?
Irv, one lost child.
Lost child alert.
There she is!
There's your daddy.
She's yours and I'm Joan.
Hi, thanks.
Caroline told me you'd be around.
- Yeah.
- Can I give you a hand?
You can give me both of 'em.
I don't know what the hell I'm doin'.
Irv,
clean up on aisle seven!
Irv, we were never in aisle seven.
I'm tellin' ya, honest!
Not so easy, is it?
Boy, I'll say.
Might even be the toughest
job in the entire world.
Bends your back, drives you nuts,
and it makes your boobs droop.
So don't be ashamed about asking for help.
Mommy training can be very,
very tricky, and I can help
with sitters and shopping and menus,
and even if you just want to talk.
Here's my number.
All right, thank you.
I'm sorry, what's this
say underneath here?
Any time.
Okay.
Kenny, what are you doing?
♫ He's married
♫ So were we once
♫ Oh, Susanna oh, don't you cry for me
♫ 'Cause I come from Alabama
♫ With my banjo on my knee
Where is everybody?
Up here.
♫ Susanna
♫ Oh, don't you cry for me
♫ We're coming
Hi, everybody, mommy's home.
Hi, mommy.
How was your day?
Oh, it was, it was terrible.
I mean, I wasn't there
five minutes and I was thrown
into this meeting with
people yelling and screaming
at each other, and then
they were screaming at me,
and there's a secretary
that hates me for no reason.
Want me to go and kick
a little ass, honey?
Yeah, dad!
All right.
The only one that was
even civil to me was Ron.
Ron?
You know, Mr. Richardson?
I mean, he actually asked for my opinion,
and when I told him honestly
how I felt about something,
Ron liked what I had to say.
He did.
Ron and his group are flying
to the plant tomorrow,
and they're gonna tour it,
and I was invited to go.
Is that an unbelievable
first day on the job or what?
I can't believe it.
How 'bout you guys?
I can't believe it.
We can't believe it,
here, hon, none of us can.
We're stunned.
Honey, I can't believe this.
Oh, well, I didn't
want his feet to get wet.
Somebody must have died.
Why?
There's a limousine out front.
Oh.
You didn't say anything
about a limousine last night.
Ron said he was sending a car,
but he didn't say anything about a limo!
Tell him I'll be right down.
Ron.
Oh, Ron.
Hey, Ron.
Whoa.
Damn it.
Well, hello down there.
Why don't you run and tell your mommy
that Mr. Richardson is here.
Stay right here.
I'm not supposed to let
strangers in the house.
How you doin'?
You must be Ron Richardson.
I'm Jack Butler.
Nice to meet you.
Pleased to meet you.
Huh?
I said, I'm pleased...
to meet you.
I'm just waiting for Caroline.
Well, Ron, you know women.
Yeah, I like to think I do.
Want a beer?
It's 7:00 in the morning.
Scotch?
Not during working hours.
Oh, I'm sorry, pal.
No problem.
Come on over here, Ron.
Let me show you what I'm doin'.
Takin' advantage of some of the time
off to add a whole new wing on here.
I'm gonna rip these walls out,
and, of course, rewire it.
You gonna make it all 220?
Yeah, 220, 221.
Whatever it takes.
You sound like a pretty handy guy.
Yeah, well, I like to do a
little bit of everything, Ron.
I write poetry, I paint, sculpt.
Oh, Caroline.
Don't you look nice.
Thanks.
I'm sorry if I kept you waiting.
Oh, not at all.
I was just having a little
chat here with your hubby.
Jack.
Yeah, he's quite a guy.
So, I guess we better get going.
- Mm-hmm.
- Okay.
Jack, a real pleasure.
Ron.
Very nice outfit, honey.
Thank you.
Honey, if you call and I'm not here,
I'll be at the gym or at the gun club.
How'd you like a little
trim on that mustache, Ron?
Humphries is tough.
He's probably the
toughest client we've got.
But, you know, I think you've
got two things going for you.
Number one, your
experience as a homemaker.
You're fresh from the
trenches of consumerism.
Oh, thank you very much.
Oh, boy.
And, number two, you've got a...
Let's just say you're an
extremely attractive woman.
Well, thank you.
And my husband thanks you too.
Yeah, I'm glad you
brought up, what's his name?
Jack.
What do you mean?
I mean we're gonna be
working long, hard hours,
and you might be coming
home pretty late at night.
And, well, if there's gonna be a problem,
I want you to tell me about it right now.
Well, there's not gonna
be any problem, see?
Jack supports everything I do.
As a woman, in my career, as
an executive, he supports me.
And if we can agree
that you are an executive,
then you can stop cutting my steak.
Oh!
Sorry.
I don't think we can fit any more.
Sure, we can.
We can get some more in there.
You know, when your dad was in the army,
we had to run a tight ship.
There were no ships in the army.
Just put the laundry in.
Dad, can we fix lunch?
Sure.
Anything but tuna.
"Add here."
Wait a minute.
Save a couple of steps here.
Give it everything, I guess.
- Butler?
- Hi.
You got a problem with
your horizontal hold?
I don't know.
Your wife says you do.
Well, she ought to know.
Come on in.
I'll be right back.
I get 45 bucks an hour.
Oh, Megan, you're makin'
me crazy here, baby.
You're makin' me nuts.
Da-da.
Yeah, yeah, I love you
but you're making me crazy.
Stay.
Hey, Kenny.
Go keep an eye on your sister.
Play with her or something, all right?
Go watch TV.
You want some chili?
No, thanks.
Hey, where's your mom
keep the vacuum cleaner?
You mean Jaws?
Mom calls the vacuum cleaner "Jaws"?
Yeah.
Where is it?
Over there.
Jaws.
Exterminator.
I can't hear you.
Exterminator.
What?
Exterminator!
Go to the front door.
Okay.
Come in.
Hi.
I'm here to adjust the
pilot on your water heater.
Okay by me.
Hi.
Anything wrong?
No, no.
Fine, fine.
Dad!
Dad!
Dad!
Dad!
Dad, my Woobie!
Okay, Kenny.
Now look.
Run, Kenny, run!
Whoa!
You crazy?
You fed a baby chili?
Where's mommy keep the extra diapers?
Hey!
Cowards.
Holy mackerel!
Aw, man.
Sorry I'm late.
Well, I'm glad somebody had a good day.
Have a seat.
I'll call you when he's ready.
Thank you.
How about roasted eggplant?
I don't know about--
Well, does your wife like seafood?
Seafood smells up the kitchen,
and it can take hours
to get rid of the odor.
No, how about something simple?
I got a Hamburger Wellington
that's out of this world.
Great, let me have it.
Okay, start with two
pounds of ground round,
lean and mean.
Brown it in some butter.
- Yeah.
- Pardon me.
Could you use margarine in that or butter?
Oh, no, well, butter's
my personal choice.
But butter can scorch.
Higgins, you're next.
Why don't you go ahead?
And I'll go after you.
You were here first.
That's okay.
I have no place to go, and besides that,
there's not a job available
anywhere in this city.
Okay, Butler.
I guess you're next.
I'd sure like to have a
copy of that when I come back.
Sure.
Yeah?
Drain all the excess fat.
Well, you're mad, aren't you?
I'm not mad.
I'm not mad.
It's just not where I
want to be right now.
Well, Jack, I can't not go.
I mean, please do it for me, would you?
You know how many of these
things I went to for you?
A lot.
We'll stay ten minutes.
Ten minutes.
Ten minutes?
15, tops.
All right, okay.
Fair enough.
But if we stay longer than that,
we pull the old Aunt Emily.
Okay, the Aunt Emily, right.
Wow.
What a house.
Yeah.
Probably mortgaged to the eyeballs.
Not this one.
His great-grandfather,
Commander Richardson, built it.
Yeah, hand-me-down.
Oh, thank you.
You must be pretty darn proud
of our little Caroline, huh?
Oh, yeah.
We're very proud of her.
The children are, and we're
all real proud of her at home.
She earned that promotion,
I can assure you, Jack.
It was a little promotion.
I forgot to tell you about
it, it was no big deal.
Ladies and gentlemen.
Welcome to the Richardson-Frankel
annual corporate olympics!
Butler, you're a sportsman.
I was kind of counting on
you to take part in this.
Spouses are eligible.
Yeah. I don't know.
Aw, come on.
Nobody takes it seriously.
It's just good clean fun.
I know, Ron.
Normally, I'd say yeah, but I'll tell you,
we've got to get over to
see, Caroline's Aunt Emily.
She's--
- Sick.
- Dying.
- Dead.
Well, why don't you stick around
for a few minutes
anyway, and you can watch
with the rest of the wives.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I mean families.
Boys, run down to the car and get dad's
sweatpants and shoes and stuff out.
Hey, all right.
I'll stick around for a while.
Looks like we got ourselves
a little competition this year.
Butler over there is a real jock.
Oh, boy, that's all we need.
Yeah.
Relax, Butler.
You're not gonna win anyway.
Why not?
He that good?
He's the boss.
It's his tournament, you get it?
Yeah, but I don't work for him.
No, but your wife does.
What's he doing?
Winning.
You threw it, didn't you?
You did good, dad.
Thanks.
I owe you one, Jack.
Come on, let's go.
- Sure you're okay?
- Yeah.
I did it!
I really did it!
Kevin, please.
Just kiss me once more.
You know what that's
going to lead to, don't you?
I want it to lead there.
I want to feel alive again.
I can't believe people
actually watch this stuff.
So I'm not the father of the child.
Well, that's some consolation.
Just who is the culprit?
You don't wanna know.
Let me guess.
Probably the deceased Mr. Cashman.
Ha!
Wrong, Vic.
Wrong.
Nikki doesn't even love you.
Come on, Vic, open your eyes, buddy.
She's been makin' it
with your friend Kevin.
You mean Kevin Bancroft?
That's exactly who I mean.
Watch, she's gonna blame it on you now.
You threw me at him.
You let him know it was perfectly fine
to take me to San Francisco.
Only he took me to bed
first, and it's your fault.
Did I tell ya?
I knew it.
Wake up, Vic!
She already buried one husband.
Do you think I'm gonna let that
get in the record for everybody to see?
Or for the child to find out later on?
Then we'll just
have a no-fault divorce.
We don't get along.
It's certainly true enough.
No, Nikki, I won't do it.
Listen, I've been thinking about this.
- Dad?
- Yeah?
This is cold, and the cheese
isn't hardly melted down.
Okay, give it.
I've got a stake in this kid.
And I'm gonna stick around
to make sure that he's okay.
There you go.
All you're
interested in is the baby.
The baby's more important
to you than Caroline?
That's right.
My own flesh and blood.
Kevin, you're such a fool.
That's right Nikki, I'm a fool.
Daddy, daddy, my Woobie's ripped.
Ken, you know what?
Maybe it's time to get rid
of the Woobie, all right?
No, no, no!
Okay, all right, all right!
Gimme it, gimme it.
The dad'll help
if he wants that baby.
It's more than just pride, Nikki.
Here you go, good as new.
Okay, listen, I'd
appreciate it if you guys
kept it down, okay?
Because Nikki's gonna get
the results of her blood test
back today.
You have other
children with Caroline!
That might happen--
Is it Kevin's baby?
Not sure.
Kevin's a skunk.
But Kevin gets all the girls.
He sure got Nikki.
My mother
doesn't love my father,
but still we've managed
to make a life together.
So you can just forget about
this annulment or divorce--
Yeah?
Hi, Joan, how you doin'?
It's gotta be Kevin's.
Victor?
How can it be Victor?
No, he had a vasectomy.
It didn't take?
Are you kidding me?
Hold on a minute!
Ken, give me that sword!
Okay, I've got 25-cent Wheaties rebate.
I'm gonna raise you
Vancamp's pork and beans
and Ovaltine.
Well, I'm gonna see your
25-cent Wheaties rebate
and raise you two Tender
Vittles dollar offs, okay?
That's it for me.
I'll fold.
Jack, why are you
dealing me this garbage?
I'm out.
This is so much more
fun than bridge, Jack.
Thanks so much for thinking of it.
Girls, girls.
Come on.
Are you gonna play
cards or flap your gums?
Flap my gums!
It's gettin' ugly in here.
Hey, come on.
All right, all right.
I will see you your Tender Vittles,
and I'll raise you a 50-cent Yoplait
and a two-dollar rebate
on a Domino's pizza
and a two-for-one Sun Pure frozen entree.
How about that?
- Ooh.
- Uh-oh.
This is serious poker.
Any of you ever tried those
Sun Pure frozen entrees?
My dog wouldn't eat 'em.
I love them, I do.
I'm calling you with a 25-cent
new and improved Ban roll-on
and two 50-cent triple-ply
Hefty bag offers.
What d'you got?
She's bluffing.
Are these any good?
You got two pair.
You got plenty.
Hi, kids.
Hi, mom!
- Caroline.
- Oh, hi.
Pizza, huh?
Oh, don't get up, don't get up.
Geez, that late already?
We're just finishing.
Don't be silly.
Don't get up, well, pizza.
I got a ton of work to do.
I'll go upstairs.
Listen, we better go here, come on.
- 7:30?
- 7:30!
We'll play tomorrow, am I right?
Family starving?
Take some pizza home with you.
No, no, I don't need it.
Joan, don't forget your coupons.
Excuse me.
Joan, come on.
I think I'm in trouble.
Room service, madam.
Oh, thanks, but Ron
gave me this tuna presentation to do,
and I'm really way behind.
Well, you gotta eat something, honey.
Well, if I wanted
something to eat, Jack,
I would have come down and
had something to eat with you
and your girlfriends.
All right.
Let's get into it.
Get into what, Jack?
Get into this.
The house is a mess, Jack.
The kids are a mess, Jack.
You're a mess, Jack.
Did I leave anything else out?
Wanna talk about the beard?
All right.
The beard's in its transitional
stage right now, that's all.
When it comes in, it's gonna look great.
It's gonna look like that
movie star, what's his name?
Orson Welles?
No.
Oh!
Orson Welles.
Oh, I get it.
Fat jokes, right?
That's real funny.
Yeah, I've put on a couple of pounds.
So what, come on.
What else do you have?
You wanna talk about this
shirt for a second, Jack?
All right.
You've been wearing this
shirt around the house
for about two weeks now.
It could walk around by itself.
Why don't you retire that thing
to the dry cleaning hall of fame, huh?
Because it's a comfortable shirt!
Jack, take a look at yourself.
You've really thrown in the towel, honey.
My brain is like oatmeal.
I yelled at Kenny today for
coloring outside the lines!
Megan and I are starting
to watch the same TV shows,
and I'm liking them.
I'm losin' it.
Honey, I know what you're talking about.
I've been there myself, all right?
If you were so unhappy
why didn't you say something about it?
Because I wasn't unhappy!
Look, maybe I was a little confused.
Maybe I was a little frustrated.
But I knew what I was doing was important,
because it means something
to raise decent human beings.
What saw me through was pride.
I had pride in this
house, I had in my kids,
and I had pride in being Mrs. Jack Butler!
Where are you going?
I'm going downstairs and
sleep on the fat couch,
if I can get through the door.
Well, be sure and take pride
in some of that fat, Porky!
Yes, hello?
Victor, it's Nikki.
Yes, hello, Nikki.
Honey, are you okay?
Yeah, I'm fine.
Hello.
Joan, hi, how are you?
No, forget it, come on.
That was days ago.
No.
No, it was very insensitive of us.
Caroline had every right to be angry.
We're not talking or
doin' anything else.
I'll be right there.
I came as fast as I could.
You sure did.
You look great, Jack.
I do?
Mm-hmm.
What do you think of this shirt?
Let me tell you about flannel.
It gets me hot.
Joan, do I look fat or
overweight at all to you?
I like a man with a
little meat on his bones.
That's two.
Okay, how about the beard?
I mean, Caroline hates the beard.
I know.
Oh, my god.
Jack!
Jack?
How could you?
And Joan?
Why, Joan, you're
supposed to be my friend.
He's too much man to
be left alone, Caroline.
Really?
Honey!
Please!
Caroline, come on.
It's just one kiss!
I'll bet.
Honey, what about the kids?
The kids are just outside.
I've thought of the kids.
The kids won't hear a thing.
Shoot me!
Shoot me!
You're right.
God knows I'm guilty.
I deserve it.
Tell me something, Jack.
What did it, huh?
The boredom?
The repetition?
The days, one flowing into the next?
The loneliness?
Well, I did it, Jack.
I did it for eight years.
Don't you think I know?
Say good-bye, darling.
What?
Aw, shit!
I loved this shirt!
God.
Couldn't hold on, could ya, Jack?
I was comin' by to call you back.
Holy cow.
What'd you use, a.38?
.38,.39, whatever it took.
Bye, darling.
Tough luck, Jeff.
Jack!
You bet.
Jack, Jack.
My name's Jack.
Jack.
Jack.
I can't, Joan, I can't.
You can't do this to me.
Do what?
It's time for our poker game.
The girls will be a little late.
There's no game today.
The game's called off.
Why?
'Cause there's a death in the family.
I'll explain it to you later.
Stay!
Get in there and clean the kids' room.
Three, four.
Yeah!
Let me take a break!
Two!
Three!
Four!
Hey!
Come on, pal.
Hey, south is drop off, north is pick up.
Let's get it straight
next time, all right?
Come on, move it, move it.
Let's go!
Let's go, monkeys!
I want all of you up, let's go!
I want this area policed.
I want the animals fed.
I want you to report for chow, 0700.
Move it, monkeys!
Move it, let's go!
Dad?
♫ Gonna fly now
Where's my baby
Come on.
Today show.
Gene Shalit.
♫ Gonna fly now
Let's go, we're running late.
Yeah, okay.
Thanks, honey, I'm moving now.
I'll be there in a minute.
Good luck.
♫ Gonna fly now
♫ Flying high now
♫ Gonna fly
♫ Fly so high
Listen, Ace.
You and I have to have
a man-to-man talk here
about your Woobie.
Your Woobie's looking bad, bud.
Now, wait a minute.
Now, listen to me.
I understand that you little guys
start out with your woobies
and you think they're great,
and they are, they are terrific.
But pretty soon, a Woobie isn't enough.
You're out on the street
trying to score an electric blanket
or maybe a quilt, and
the next thing you know,
you're strung out on bedspreads, Ken.
That's serious.
Now, give me the Woobie.
No.
Kenny, come on, man.
No.
Okay.
Give it to me for a couple of days.
If it doesn't work, you
got the Woobie back.
Please?
You got a lot of guts.
Can I have a moment to myself, please?
Absolutely.
You got it.
You had to do it.
Okay.
Ohh.
Tired, huh?
Oh, yeah.
A little.
Excuse me.
Hmm?
How about this food?
Mmm.
Very good.
Mm-hmm.
You sent out for Chinese food, huh?
No!
Kenny made this.
Nuh-uh.
Listen, you're doing a really
great job with the kids, honey.
I appreciate it.
And with everything.
You really are.
Thanks.
I'd love to take this time
to carry you upstairs,
and let you tell me all about
it, but I think that might
take too long.
Mmm.
Mmm.
How's it going in there, huh?
Like having your gums scraped.
You're on.
So soon?
It didn't take Humphries very long
to shoot down every idea we had.
Looks like you're the
ace in the hole, kid.
Well, I'm ready.
Okay, you've got my attention.
Shoot.
Well, these are the last two
campaigns for Schooner Tuna.
First you gave away four
glasses with every can of tuna.
Now, as I recall, you were
stuck with 60,000 of these,
right?
What is this, "This is your life"?
Now, bear with me.
Next came 100 free trips to Hawaii.
Now, who knew there was gonna
be a hurricane that month?
You're stuck with 100,000
of these flower lace.
I hope to hell you're making a point.
Well, I am making a
point, Mr. Humphries.
The point is, Schooner
Tuna is one of the three
most expensive tunas on the market.
Now, if we want to beat our competitors,
the time for these gimmicks
and giveaways is over with.
Now, I don't mean to be
disrespectful, Mr. Humphries,
but housewives need your
help, not your gimmicks.
Show them that you really
care about their problems,
and you'll win their loyalty.
Now, this is what I propose.
"Schooner Tuna sympathizes
"with those hit so hard
by this trying economy.
"To help you, we are reducing
"the price of our tuna by 50 cents a can.
"When this crisis is over,
"we'll go back to our regular prices.
"Until then, remember,
we're all in this together.
Signed, Howard Humphries, President,
Schooner Tuna.
"The tuna with a heart."
Well, you've got a
plane to catch.
I'm really sorry, Howard.
Damn well right, you're sorry.
Yes, I am.
Where in the hell have you
been hiding this little girl?
She's not just selling tuna,
son, she's selling America!
Right!
The tuna with a heart!
I love this bleeding heart shit.
That's American, that's what that is.
That's what I think!
Well, there's more.
More?
There is?
Yes.
Caroline, congratulations!
Thanks.
I am so impressed with you.
Hi, I'm here for Mrs.
Butler, 8:00 flight.
Right, she'll be right out.
Okay.
Why do you have to go to California?
'Cause that's where we're gonna
make the tuna commercial, honey.
Can't you go tomorrow, mommy?
No, I can't, because everyone else
is going tonight, and I have to go.
But you know what?
I'm gonna be back before you go
to your first meeting of the knights
of the round table, I promise.
Bye, honey.
Bye, sweetie.
Aww.
Wait, guys, stay right here.
Alex, Kenny, watch her for a minute, okay?
Let me talk to you.
Two hours notice, and you're
off to Los Angeles like that.
Jack, there is nothing
I could do about it.
I convinced a man today to spend
$11 million on one of my ideas.
I gotta go!
Besides, honey, there's gonna
be other Halloweens, you know.
I know there'll be other Halloweens,
but I'm thinking about this Halloween.
I mean, Caroline, these
kids, in a couple of years,
they're gonna outgrow this thing.
Oh, really?
You don't seem to have outgrown it, Jack.
All right, I admit it, I like Halloween.
Yeah, well, so do I, honey.
Remember, I was gonna dress
up as a prison matron tonight?
The point is, Megan
just cut two new teeth.
I'll bet you didn't know that.
Alex is playing football.
Remember Kenny's security blanket?
He doesn't have it anymore.
He doesn't use it, it's gone.
You know, if you were here,
I was gonna suggest you go as a ghost,
'cause even when you're
here, you're not here!
Caroline, we really have to get going.
Hey, Madison Avenue, lighten up.
All right, Jack.
What do you want me to do?
Not go?
Not try?
Not succeed?
Of course not!
I want you to succeed.
Hon.
You gave me some real good advice once.
So now let me give you some of mine.
It's real easy to forget what's important.
So don't.
Jack, I'm gonna be
back in less than a week.
Can't we talk about this then?
Come on, everything's gonna be all right.
Little woman's off again, huh?
Shut up, Annette.
Please, Megan.
Please.
Daddy will buy you a T-Bird.
Okay?
You want a T-Bird?
Please.
Put your bum down there, honey, okay?
I know, but--
Ken, she here?
I think she's here now, dad.
Okay, honey, please.
For daddy, Meg, please, okay?
Hi.
Who are you?
What?
Who are you?
I'm your baby-sitter.
Excuse me.
Wait.
- Oh, Jack.
- Hi.
- How are you?
- Okay.
Hi, kids.
You remember Uncle Jinx?
They're big now, huh?
Yeah.
Listen, what this is
about, it's a review board.
Now, it's just a formality.
They're gonna ask you
a couple of questions--
Jack, if you could back me up,
I think I can get you
back on at half salary.
What are you talking about?
You didn't say anything about
half salary on the phone.
Mr. Latham, Mr. Butler,
you can go in now.
According to our records,
since you and your associates left,
production in your division is off by 23 %
and cost soared up 19 %.
Do you have any explanation for that?
I'm a little confused here.
I'm no longer with the company.
I don't know.
You might ask Mr. Latham.
We have.
And?
I'm sorry, Jack.
I covered for you guys as long as I could.
You covered for us?
Yeah.
That's a lie.
That's not true.
Come on, Jack.
Larry and Stan were in here.
They already admitted
that I covered for them.
Now, come on!
It's time for you to be a stand-up guy.
Larry and Stan would say
anything you wanted them to say.
They need their jobs.
You want me to be a stand-up guy?
Okay, I'll be a stand-up guy.
I need my job too, but what's
going on here is wrong.
If I did such a bad job,
why did production go down
and costs go up after you fired me, huh?
Look, I don't know what this guy told you.
I don't know what he does with his books.
I'm a car maker.
I make cars.
I'm not an accountant.
But I'll tell you something.
I take a lot of pride in my work.
Dad?
Son, you're gonna have
to get out of here now.
This is a meeting.
Just a minute, Alex.
Daddy's talking.
I know it's not real
popular right now, you know,
taking pride in your work, but I did.
I cared.
You fired me for it.
If you ever talk to my
kid like that again,
I'm knocking you out.
Forget the paper.
There we go.
That's it.
Would you forget the pa--
Schooner Tuna commercial, take 24.
And action.
I'm Howard Humphries,
President of Schooner Tuna.
All of us here--
Cut, cut.
Cut it.
Caroline?
Caroline?
Telephone, Bill.
There's an emotional element missing.
Oh, for god's sake, what
does he want now, Caroline?
Wait a second, I'll take care of this.
What is it?
Can't you control him?
I want to say, "My fellow Americans."
Gaffer tape, please?
Fine, fine.
Okay, folks, one more time.
Quiet, please!
Clear it.
- Caroline?
- Mm-hmm.
How about a little dinner
after all this is over?
No, I don't think so.
I'm too tired.
As soon as this is over, I
want to go back to the hotel
and soak in a hot tub.
That's all I want to do.
Yeah.
That sounds like a great idea.
Quiet!
Schooner Tuna commercial, take 25.
My fellow Americans--
I actually thought I had a job there
for about 30 seconds today.
Hey, Jack, forget about it.
The most important thing is
that you didn't get fired.
- That's right.
- That's right.
That's a good way to look at it, I guess.
Listen, you guys get in now and go,
and I'm gonna get a cab.
We sprang for dinner!
You can't walk out on us now!
Come on, get in.
Where are you taking me?
Come on, get in the car.
Got him!
Oh, my god!
These aren't the same
guys from the space shuttle,
are they?
Hey, Flash!
Wow!
Don't look now, but I
think he's looking at you.
No, he's not.
Okay.
Remember, you don't know
where this has been.
Where's he putting it?
No, don't tell me,
don't tell me, don't
tell me, don't tell me.
Oh, my god.
Hey, wait, Flash!
Wait for me!
Hey, Joan!
Hey, seriously, this--
Ohh.
We're going to jail.
Who cares?
All right, girls.
Next time I'll call you, all right?
Don't bother calling me.
Seriously, it was fun.
I'll see you.
Here, take this.
I don't think I'm gonna need it.
What is it?
It's that dancer's telephone number.
Good-bye!
Will all the passengers be sure
to have their baggage checked
before boarding the buses.
Will Mrs. Turner--
Annette?
Mrs. Turner,
please come to the desk.
Will Mrs. Turner please come to the desk.
So, that's why you offered
to sit with the kids.
You knew where they were
taking me, didn't you?
Daddy?
Hi.
Come on, I'm taking you guys to bed.
Can we call mommy?
No, we can't, she's in California.
I want to talk to mommy too.
Come on, guys, go to bed.
We'll call her in the morning.
Well, it's only 8:30 in California.
Good point, Annette.
All right.
Okay, be very, very quiet.
Okay.
Right around here would be fine.
Incidentally, I really
appreciate this very, very much.
Oh, I'm quite sure you do.
♫ Strangers in the night
♫ Exchanging glances
♫ Wandering in the night
♫ What were the chances
♫ We'd be sharing love
Hello?
Alex who?
I don't know.
Some guy.
Let me see.
Is Caroline Butler there?
She's in the tub.
Who is this?
This is her husband,
who the hell is this?
Who was that on my phone?
Wrong number.
Ron, what are you doing?
Well, somebody has got
to pour the champagne.
You've been drinking
a lot, haven't you, Ron?
Moi?
Yep, a lot.
I think I'm gonna have to
ask you to leave now, okay?
Why?
There are no kids to go home to tonight.
Ron, get out.
We could make a great team, Caroline.
Really?
What the hell's that supposed to mean?
Well, basically, you
dump Jack, you marry me,
and it's Richardson,
Frankel and Richardson.
Come on.
What are you trying to tell me,
that you're in love with me?
Hell, no, but the client is.
All right, Ron.
This is my official
warning to you, get out!
You are so adorable when you're angry.
Ron, get out.
I'm not kidding.
- Ron!
- Oh, don't be coy with--
Oh, trying to play hard to get, huh?
Aren't you gonna answer that?
That's the fourth time
it's rung in the last hour.
Oh, do you want me to answer it?
Yeah!
Oh, okay.
Here we go.
Hello?
Okay?
Nobody there, I guess.
Oh.
Well, you probably want to be alone, huh?
Okay, good.
All righty.
Well, you try to get some sleep now, okay?
And don't worry.
My lips are sealed.
Won't be so bad
when I get your bangs rolled.
Horrible.
I don't think I'll be called
upon to defend my honor.
I doubt it.
I promised Jack I wouldn't say anything.
Now, remember, this is
in strictest confidence.
Of course!
Oh, good.
Another grown-up.
What happened?
Dad's making some minor changes.
Hi, Joan.
Just doing a little work around the house.
Kenny!
Don't paint your sister!
Hey, Butler!
Guess what?
You had quite a burst of
nervous energy last night.
Yeah.
You should have called me.
Hey, Butler!
Yeah?
I think I found your problem.
What is it?
This shoe.
Oh.
Kids.
Huh.
Doris, this is a friend of mine, Joan.
TV.
Hi.
Kitchen's clean.
Hi, Joan.
I'm gonna check your basement for bugs.
I sure hope I don't find any.
Eww, I'm all grimy and sweaty here.
Joan, I'm gonna go
upstairs and take a shower.
You can get a drink.
You know where we keep everything.
Or watch television, whatever you want.
Oh, wow!
Ooh.
Hey, Jack!
I love what you did to the bedroom!
Damn.
Thanks.
It's amazing what you
can do with a Sears card.
That's from their Safari collection.
You got a problem.
Okay.
All right.
A, she's an attractive woman.
B, she wants you, Jack.
She wants you bad.
C?
I don't even want to think about "C."
D,
Kenny'd talk.
Alex?
Alex would be okay.
Kenny'd talk.
He'd crack.
M, I'm a free agent.
N, I could be in the middle of it,
I could have a heart attack, I could die.
Caroline walks in, sees me there.
I die and get caught.
Joan?
Caroline!
What are you doing in my bedroom?
Huh?
This is my bedroom, isn't it?
Yeah.
Well, what are you doing here?
Is it too early for a drink?
All right, Y.
Why did I get rid of that Woobie?
Z, you're not gonna do anything,
'cause you, my friend, are
in love with your wife.
Joan?
Jack.
Caroline?
Well, now that we
have the names straight,
would you mind explaining to me
why I come all the way
home to talk to you,
and I find another woman in our room?
Oh, look who's talking.
I called your hotel,
Richardson answers the phone,
and I hear champagne
chilling in the background?
You heard that?
Aha!
Now, I'd appreciate it
if you just don't talk to me right now,
because I'm doing my best
to calm down, all right?
Excuse me, I have a household to run.
Oh, Jack!
Hello.
Oh, Jack.
I'm in a lot of trouble.
Look, I'm not talking to you.
No, no, please.
Listen to me.
I cut the department to the
bone, and they caught me.
I've gotta have you back.
I'll do anything.
Dad, is mommy home?
Not now, kid!
I'm talking here!
Warned you, Jinx.
Ohh!
Gee, one punch!
You want a company car?
One punch!
One punch!
- Caroline?
Oh, I've caught you at a bad time.
Hey, don't hit me, Jack.
I like what you've done with the place.
Gotta get a new tube.
Ron!
Caroline, I am begging you.
Humphries is gonna pull the whole account
unless you come back to work.
I told this guy last
night ten times that I quit.
What'd he do, make a pass?
I just got a little out
of hand, and she belted me.
You quit your job?
I didn't like that job.
I'm gonna get another job, a better one!
Anyway, I miss my family.
I thought you loved that job.
Thanks.
How about three days at the
office and two days at home?
Thanks.
There's no way I can do that.
Jack, will you listen to me?
Management wants you back!
Jack!
Thanks.
- Basement's clean.
- Okay.
Oh, thanks.
Look, he's offering me full
salary and a company car.
What do you think?
- Are you kidding, take it.
- Okay, look, Bert,
tell him I don't make a
move without Larry and Stan.
He doesn't make a move
without Larry and Stan.
Oh, you got a deal.
- Who are Larry and Stan?
- Thanks.
You're a working woman,
can't you understand?
I'll tell you something else.
You really hit him?
Don't you think I know
how to take care of myself?
Well...
Hurt your hand?
No.
Missed you.
I missed you too.
My fellow Americans,
I am Howard Humphries,
President of Schooner Tuna.
All of us here at Schooner Tuna sympathize
with those of you hit so hard
by these trying economic times.
In order to help you,
we are reducing the price of Schooner Tuna
by 50 cents a can.
When this crisis is over,
we will go back to our regular prices.
Until then, remember,
we're all in this together.
Schooner Tuna.
The tuna with a heart.
- You sleep okay?
- Oh, me?
Never better, like a log.
Good, 'cause your shower's ready.
Oh, thanks.
Morning.
Morning, Alex.
Morning, hi, mommy.
Did you sleep good?
Mm-hmm, I'll wake Kenny.
Okay, but don't touch his woobie.
It's gonna be
a beautiful day in Detroit today.
Weatherman says we're
going to have sunny skies.
Now I'll tell you what,
there's a lot of traffic out there.
A lot of beautiful cars, though.
We want you to roll up the window,
lean back and enjoy all the good sounds
that we're gonna be playing
for you this morning.
Of course you know I
always play your favorites.
Alex, don't, no!
Ah, damn it!
Morning, baby!
Hi, sweetie, how are you?
How did you sleep?
Hmm, should we go get daddy?
Shall we, oops!
There you are.
Morning, good morning.
Morning, campers.
How's everybody today?
Hiya, Megan.
Great, trucks.
What are we watching here, Kenny?
Robots, thank you.
Thanks, babe.
Okay, here's the joke of the day.
What's green and rides through the west?
The Lone Pickle.
Okay, they're onto me, hon.
We're all onto you, honey.
That's them, I gotta go.
Okay, baby, bye.
Thanks, don't change a thing.
Leave that face exactly
like that, all right?
I don't want it washed by the time
I come home, 'cause it looks great.
Call me later!
Oh, man, what's the record
for the least amount of sleep ever?
I think Lindbergh has it.
Yeah, well, I think
I beat him last night.
You heard anything, Jinx?
If I did, wouldn't I tell you guys?
Not necessarily.
That's right.
You didn't tell Lou until
after he chipped in for gas money.
Hey, fellas, I'm telling you.
It's as simple as this.
If you can't sell cars,
you can't pay people.
Now, come on, come on, relax.
I like splitting gas money four ways.
Hey.
Hey, Butler.
How you doin', gents?
Havin' a good time?
I love it.
You know, I love comin' down here,
watchin' something go
from the drawing board
to the assembly line.
It's a treat.
Yeah, it's thrilling for us too.
Yeah, real thrilling.
What's the matter, boys?
You look depressed.
You worried about the Lions?
They're slow starters, don't
worry, it's pre-season.
Hey, we ain't worried about the Lions!
What we're worried about is the lines.
Amen.
Lines?
Yeah, unemployment lines, welfare lines,
food lines, you know, those lines?
Lines, lines.
Yeah.
Me and my wife went to the
movies the other night.
We saw Rocky.
And I'm watching this
movie and I'm thinking
there's something about
this movie that reminds me
of the situation at work, you know?
Which Rocky was it?
One or two or three?
Uh, one, I think.
I don't know.
Who was he fightin'?
Hey, did he have a mohawk?
Like Mr. T?
I don't know, I don't remember.
The point is, here's a guy who's taking
a pretty bad beating, you know?
He's up against the ropes, his eye's cut--
Was his manager dead or alive?
- Yeah.
- All right, forget Rocky.
Forget I brought it up,
get it outta your head.
The point is, when you're down,
you're not necessarily out.
You know, I mean, you gotta hang tough.
I don't know.
Jack Butler,
report to the staff office.
I gotta go, guys, see you later.
Well, hang tough, baby.
Yeah, be Rocky!
They're gonna knock him out, baby.
Think so?
He didn't see Rocky.
Larry!
Larry!
Are you crazy?
What'd you do that for?
Why didn't you tell me this
morning I was being canned?
I couldn't say anything
until it was official!
Wait a minute!
Wait a minute, guys, wait.
Oh, Jinx.
You did it, didn't you?
You fired these guys after
all they've contributed.
- Jack.
- Aw, don't "Jack" me.
After the support!
Jack.
Aw, man, after the
devotion they gave you.
You're fired too.
Now you fire me.
I'm fired?
You son of a bitch!
I'll kill ya!
You're not fired.
Technically furloughed.
Why don't you give me a break!
I'm telling you, there's
blood all over my slide rule!
None of it's yours, Jinx.
Come on, come on.
Something's gonna turn up.
You guys are terrific engineers.
You're too damn good not
to catch on somewhere.
Where am I gonna catch on, Jake?
Where we gonna catch on?
Nagasaki?
The Ruhr Valley?
You're not exactly walking
out of here empty-handed.
You've got your full severance.
You got your profit sharing.
Here.
Guess what.
A surprise.
Full pro rata refund for this month's gas.
Great.
There's only one more thing I want.
- What's that?
- Disability!
Oh, no!
No, oh, no!
- No!
- Larry!
Larry!
Come on!
Keep that sense of humor,
buddy, it's critical.
Hey, Jinx!
Oh, no!
Hold it!
Larry!
Get the valium.
♫ Plop, plop, fizz, fizz
oh, what a relief it is
Jack, keep in touch.
I will, Larry.
You all right?
- Oh, yeah.
Okay, 'cause remember what Jinx said.
Keep that sense of humor.
It's critical.
- It's critical.
Love you, Jack!
Alex, Kenny, come on.
Hurry up!
That's good, step to.
Hup, two, three, four, that's it.
Nice, boys.
You look real nice.
Does daddy know he got fired yet?
Yes, he knows but we're not gonna
mention it to him, are we, honey?
We want daddy to feel good, don't we?
You hear that?
He's coming now.
Everybody smile real big.
Hi, dad!
Hey.
Hi.
Boy, you guys look nice.
What, do you all have dates or something?
We heard you got fired.
Laid off.
Just laid off, honey, remember?
Technically, furloughed, sport.
You're not a bum, are you, daddy?
No, but I'm workin' on it.
You want my Woobie?
Actually, I kinda would like it.
But instead I'll take a kiss.
Okay, come on, everybody.
Let's eat dinner.
We're having special dinner tonight.
What are we having?
- Colonel Chicken.
- We can't afford that!
Let's enjoy it, it may be our last.
You know, I know this sounds crazy,
but I actually feel great.
I don't know why.
I don't know why, but I feel great.
I do, you know.
Because, I don't know,
now I'll have the time
to do some work around the house
I've been wanting to get to.
And, you know, we're in pretty good shape.
Yep, we are, for a while.
Wait, what do you think?
I'll never get another job again?
Don't worry about it.
I already put the word out.
What would you say if I did too?
Did too do what?
I put the word out.
I mean I have a couple of years'
experience in advertising.
I have a college degree.
There's no reason I shouldn't
try to get a job myself.
Wait a minute, excuse me,
have I been missing something?
I mean, has your phone
been ringing off the hook?
Well, no, Jack.
You think you're gonna
get a job before I do?
Oh, Jack, this isn't a contest.
No, hon, this'll be good.
This is a good idea.
We'll make it a contest.
- What?
- It'll be fun.
I'll bet you a hundred to one
you don't get a job before I do.
- Jack--
- Okay, come on, doll face.
Give me a dollar.
I don't even have a dollar.
Oh, you wanna bet, but
you don't have a dollar?
Hey, I don't wanna bet.
Hey, I thought somebody
said they wanted to bet.
Wait till I get the kids.
I don't bet, I don't take
bets, I don't believe in bets.
You're bettin' now, Alex, Kenny!
Come here.
I want you to know it's comin'
out of my severance pay too.
Come on, guys, hurry.
This is gonna be fun.
Guess what, I'm makin' mommy a bet.
Daddy's betting mommy 100
dollars to just her one dollar...
Wow.
That she doesn't get a job before me.
Kenny, hold the money.
I better hold it, dad.
Money makes him crazy.
- Good point.
- It isn't healthy.
Well, it may not be healthy,
but it's fun, right, guys?
- Oh, Jack.
- Dad, can we bet too?
Absolutely!
Take the money, Caroline.
Jack, I don't want the money.
Look, you won.
A bet's a bet!
Jack, I don't take bets,
and I don't want your money.
Aren't you being a
little hard on yourself?
No, it's fine!
I mean, you have applied to everything
on wheels from Toyota to Schwinn.
You're gonna get a job
any day now, really.
Uh-oh, I'm going to be late.
My first day.
I want to make a very good impression.
How do I look?
You look great.
You're gonna make a great impression.
Now, do you wanna go over
that list one more time?
No, I don't wanna go over the list!
Okay, let's go over the list.
Remember, when Kenny starts talking to
his breakfast, that means
he's finished, right?
Alex has to school at 7:30.
- His pickup is 1:00 sharp.
- 1:00.
When Megan starts
rubbing her little ears,
it means it's time for her nap.
But don't let her sleep past 11:30,
because then she won't go
down for her afternoon nap.
Nap, 1:00, okay.
Wait a minute, will
she rub her ears again?
No, just in the morning.
And please don't let her
sit around in a wet diaper.
Obviously, hon.
Kenny, he'll pretty
much take care of himself,
won't you, honey?
I mean, just keep him busy.
Give him his tinkertoys
or his coloring book.
I think Alex will be a little
helper, won't you, honey?
Sweetie.
All right, just relax,
you're gonna be great.
There's nothing to this, you know.
Hon, we got it covered, right, guys?
Okay.
Oh, boy, am I gonna miss you guys.
Take it easy on daddy.
Remember, he's a rookie.
Bye, mom.
Bye, honey.
- Mommy?
- Yes?
It's a jungle out there.
Very funny, Jack.
What, I don't know where he gets this.
On second thought, I
will take this money.
I might need it for
lunch or something special.
Okay.
Actually, a lot of
men would love to have
this kind of time to
spend with their kids.
Hon, you're looking at one.
I'm telling you, I'm a
regular Phil Donahue here.
Yes, you are.
Okay, okay.
Come here.
- Okay.
Go get 'em.
Oh, thanks for the loan.
- Dad, you passed it!
- Passed what?
We're right on time.
But you're doing it wrong.
Mommy doesn't do it like this.
We're gonna do it
the Jack Butler method.
What is this?
This is nuts.
Why are they all honking?
Because you're doing it wrong.
Tell me I'm doing it wrong.
I know how to do this.
Hi, Jack, I'm Annette.
Hi.
You're doing it wrong.
See?
This is what I tell all my new mommies:
We enter from the south
and we exit from the north.
And we do just the
reverse when we pick up.
This way our little
ones don't have to walk
between the cars to get
to the learning facility.
Okay, move it out, and
remember, south to drop off,
north to pick up.
Pick 'em up.
Okay, that's a good system.
South to drop off, moron!
Actually, I'm very excited to be going
back to work, especially here with Ron.
Ron?
And who would Ron be?
Oh, Ron Richardson.
Everyone here at the
Richardson-Frankel agency
calls him Mr. Richardson.
Well, he asked me to call him Ron.
And when was that?
In what context?
In the context of my interview at lunch.
Lunch?
Mm-hmm.
Well, now, before we go in here,
let me give you some advice.
Keep your mouth shut and your ears open,
and you just might learn something.
You want to knock it off?
Ron, what is your position?
Thank you.
My father founded this
agency on Schooner Tuna.
It's the cornerstone of all our accounts.
So my position is,
somebody better figure out a way to
sell some tuna fish pretty damn quick.
We have people to do that.
Sorry.
Habit.
Everybody please
welcome Caroline Butler.
- Hello.
- Hi, Caroline.
Since you're probably
the only one in the room
that got a decent night's sleep,
maybe you could have a fresh opinion.
Do, any of these layouts, does
anything make sense to you?
I'm not qualified to
judge anything, really.
It's my first day, and--
You ever eat tuna fish?
Yes.
You're qualified.
Okay, well...
Let's see here.
Well, this is very good.
I like, it's mermaids?
Original.
Caroline.
"Yum, yum, tuna bits."
That's very funny.
Cut the crap.
Right.
Look, you want me to be
really honest with you, Ron?
No, lie to him.
He likes it.
Well, frankly, none of this
stuff would influence me.
All right?
That's good.
Come on, Ron.
She doesn't know a tuna
fish from a Cheerio.
Damn good thing we don't
have the Cheerio account.
When was the last time any of
you people were in a supermarket?
Good morning, shoppers.
We have some specials in
the store this morning,
and we'd like to let you know about them.
Over in the frozen food section--
Kenny, where are the eggs?
Over there, dad.
I have the right of way.
Right, sorry.
Here.
We'll settle out of court.
Oh, weirdo.
Irv,
clean up in aisle four.
Aisle four, check.
Irv, clean up in produce!
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to.
Kenny, did I tell you not
to touch the grapefruit?
Next.
May I have a half a pound of ham?
Boiled, baked, smoked, salt-cured,
sugar-cured, prosciutto or westphalian?
All right, forget it.
Just tell you what, just give me,
give me a half pound of salami.
Italian, kosher, hard, pork,
beef, cotto or what?
Just get bologna, mister.
I'll tell you what.
Just give me a quarter pound of cheese.
American, bleu, cream, cottage,
gouda, edam, provolone, romano, swiss.
You have your entire cheddar family.
Can you run the hams back one more time?
I just want...
Stay right here, okay?
Comin' back.
Half pound of salami, half pound of swiss,
half pound Virginia ham, two celery.
I think these are on special.
Doesn't matter, sorry, go ahead.
Let me check.
Irv, are these Kotex maxi pads on special?
Never mind, Irv, sorry, forget it.
Kotex, 19 cents off.
Thanks, Irv.
All right, Ken.
My baby!
Who are you?
Steven.
Mom!
Kenny!
Ken!
Mom!
Here, eat this spaghetti.
Irv,
spaghetti on aisle nine.
Spaghetti, aisle nine, check.
Kenny!
Hey, I'll trade ya.
My kid for yours.
Thank you.
I don't have any kids!
Did you see my little girl?
Yeah, she's adorable.
She's lost.
You left a child in a shopping cart?
Irv, one lost child.
Lost child alert.
There she is!
There's your daddy.
She's yours and I'm Joan.
Hi, thanks.
Caroline told me you'd be around.
- Yeah.
- Can I give you a hand?
You can give me both of 'em.
I don't know what the hell I'm doin'.
Irv,
clean up on aisle seven!
Irv, we were never in aisle seven.
I'm tellin' ya, honest!
Not so easy, is it?
Boy, I'll say.
Might even be the toughest
job in the entire world.
Bends your back, drives you nuts,
and it makes your boobs droop.
So don't be ashamed about asking for help.
Mommy training can be very,
very tricky, and I can help
with sitters and shopping and menus,
and even if you just want to talk.
Here's my number.
All right, thank you.
I'm sorry, what's this
say underneath here?
Any time.
Okay.
Kenny, what are you doing?
♫ He's married
♫ So were we once
♫ Oh, Susanna oh, don't you cry for me
♫ 'Cause I come from Alabama
♫ With my banjo on my knee
Where is everybody?
Up here.
♫ Susanna
♫ Oh, don't you cry for me
♫ We're coming
Hi, everybody, mommy's home.
Hi, mommy.
How was your day?
Oh, it was, it was terrible.
I mean, I wasn't there
five minutes and I was thrown
into this meeting with
people yelling and screaming
at each other, and then
they were screaming at me,
and there's a secretary
that hates me for no reason.
Want me to go and kick
a little ass, honey?
Yeah, dad!
All right.
The only one that was
even civil to me was Ron.
Ron?
You know, Mr. Richardson?
I mean, he actually asked for my opinion,
and when I told him honestly
how I felt about something,
Ron liked what I had to say.
He did.
Ron and his group are flying
to the plant tomorrow,
and they're gonna tour it,
and I was invited to go.
Is that an unbelievable
first day on the job or what?
I can't believe it.
How 'bout you guys?
I can't believe it.
We can't believe it,
here, hon, none of us can.
We're stunned.
Honey, I can't believe this.
Oh, well, I didn't
want his feet to get wet.
Somebody must have died.
Why?
There's a limousine out front.
Oh.
You didn't say anything
about a limousine last night.
Ron said he was sending a car,
but he didn't say anything about a limo!
Tell him I'll be right down.
Ron.
Oh, Ron.
Hey, Ron.
Whoa.
Damn it.
Well, hello down there.
Why don't you run and tell your mommy
that Mr. Richardson is here.
Stay right here.
I'm not supposed to let
strangers in the house.
How you doin'?
You must be Ron Richardson.
I'm Jack Butler.
Nice to meet you.
Pleased to meet you.
Huh?
I said, I'm pleased...
to meet you.
I'm just waiting for Caroline.
Well, Ron, you know women.
Yeah, I like to think I do.
Want a beer?
It's 7:00 in the morning.
Scotch?
Not during working hours.
Oh, I'm sorry, pal.
No problem.
Come on over here, Ron.
Let me show you what I'm doin'.
Takin' advantage of some of the time
off to add a whole new wing on here.
I'm gonna rip these walls out,
and, of course, rewire it.
You gonna make it all 220?
Yeah, 220, 221.
Whatever it takes.
You sound like a pretty handy guy.
Yeah, well, I like to do a
little bit of everything, Ron.
I write poetry, I paint, sculpt.
Oh, Caroline.
Don't you look nice.
Thanks.
I'm sorry if I kept you waiting.
Oh, not at all.
I was just having a little
chat here with your hubby.
Jack.
Yeah, he's quite a guy.
So, I guess we better get going.
- Mm-hmm.
- Okay.
Jack, a real pleasure.
Ron.
Very nice outfit, honey.
Thank you.
Honey, if you call and I'm not here,
I'll be at the gym or at the gun club.
How'd you like a little
trim on that mustache, Ron?
Humphries is tough.
He's probably the
toughest client we've got.
But, you know, I think you've
got two things going for you.
Number one, your
experience as a homemaker.
You're fresh from the
trenches of consumerism.
Oh, thank you very much.
Oh, boy.
And, number two, you've got a...
Let's just say you're an
extremely attractive woman.
Well, thank you.
And my husband thanks you too.
Yeah, I'm glad you
brought up, what's his name?
Jack.
What do you mean?
I mean we're gonna be
working long, hard hours,
and you might be coming
home pretty late at night.
And, well, if there's gonna be a problem,
I want you to tell me about it right now.
Well, there's not gonna
be any problem, see?
Jack supports everything I do.
As a woman, in my career, as
an executive, he supports me.
And if we can agree
that you are an executive,
then you can stop cutting my steak.
Oh!
Sorry.
I don't think we can fit any more.
Sure, we can.
We can get some more in there.
You know, when your dad was in the army,
we had to run a tight ship.
There were no ships in the army.
Just put the laundry in.
Dad, can we fix lunch?
Sure.
Anything but tuna.
"Add here."
Wait a minute.
Save a couple of steps here.
Give it everything, I guess.
- Butler?
- Hi.
You got a problem with
your horizontal hold?
I don't know.
Your wife says you do.
Well, she ought to know.
Come on in.
I'll be right back.
I get 45 bucks an hour.
Oh, Megan, you're makin'
me crazy here, baby.
You're makin' me nuts.
Da-da.
Yeah, yeah, I love you
but you're making me crazy.
Stay.
Hey, Kenny.
Go keep an eye on your sister.
Play with her or something, all right?
Go watch TV.
You want some chili?
No, thanks.
Hey, where's your mom
keep the vacuum cleaner?
You mean Jaws?
Mom calls the vacuum cleaner "Jaws"?
Yeah.
Where is it?
Over there.
Jaws.
Exterminator.
I can't hear you.
Exterminator.
What?
Exterminator!
Go to the front door.
Okay.
Come in.
Hi.
I'm here to adjust the
pilot on your water heater.
Okay by me.
Hi.
Anything wrong?
No, no.
Fine, fine.
Dad!
Dad!
Dad!
Dad!
Dad, my Woobie!
Okay, Kenny.
Now look.
Run, Kenny, run!
Whoa!
You crazy?
You fed a baby chili?
Where's mommy keep the extra diapers?
Hey!
Cowards.
Holy mackerel!
Aw, man.
Sorry I'm late.
Well, I'm glad somebody had a good day.
Have a seat.
I'll call you when he's ready.
Thank you.
How about roasted eggplant?
I don't know about--
Well, does your wife like seafood?
Seafood smells up the kitchen,
and it can take hours
to get rid of the odor.
No, how about something simple?
I got a Hamburger Wellington
that's out of this world.
Great, let me have it.
Okay, start with two
pounds of ground round,
lean and mean.
Brown it in some butter.
- Yeah.
- Pardon me.
Could you use margarine in that or butter?
Oh, no, well, butter's
my personal choice.
But butter can scorch.
Higgins, you're next.
Why don't you go ahead?
And I'll go after you.
You were here first.
That's okay.
I have no place to go, and besides that,
there's not a job available
anywhere in this city.
Okay, Butler.
I guess you're next.
I'd sure like to have a
copy of that when I come back.
Sure.
Yeah?
Drain all the excess fat.
Well, you're mad, aren't you?
I'm not mad.
I'm not mad.
It's just not where I
want to be right now.
Well, Jack, I can't not go.
I mean, please do it for me, would you?
You know how many of these
things I went to for you?
A lot.
We'll stay ten minutes.
Ten minutes.
Ten minutes?
15, tops.
All right, okay.
Fair enough.
But if we stay longer than that,
we pull the old Aunt Emily.
Okay, the Aunt Emily, right.
Wow.
What a house.
Yeah.
Probably mortgaged to the eyeballs.
Not this one.
His great-grandfather,
Commander Richardson, built it.
Yeah, hand-me-down.
Oh, thank you.
You must be pretty darn proud
of our little Caroline, huh?
Oh, yeah.
We're very proud of her.
The children are, and we're
all real proud of her at home.
She earned that promotion,
I can assure you, Jack.
It was a little promotion.
I forgot to tell you about
it, it was no big deal.
Ladies and gentlemen.
Welcome to the Richardson-Frankel
annual corporate olympics!
Butler, you're a sportsman.
I was kind of counting on
you to take part in this.
Spouses are eligible.
Yeah. I don't know.
Aw, come on.
Nobody takes it seriously.
It's just good clean fun.
I know, Ron.
Normally, I'd say yeah, but I'll tell you,
we've got to get over to
see, Caroline's Aunt Emily.
She's--
- Sick.
- Dying.
- Dead.
Well, why don't you stick around
for a few minutes
anyway, and you can watch
with the rest of the wives.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I mean families.
Boys, run down to the car and get dad's
sweatpants and shoes and stuff out.
Hey, all right.
I'll stick around for a while.
Looks like we got ourselves
a little competition this year.
Butler over there is a real jock.
Oh, boy, that's all we need.
Yeah.
Relax, Butler.
You're not gonna win anyway.
Why not?
He that good?
He's the boss.
It's his tournament, you get it?
Yeah, but I don't work for him.
No, but your wife does.
What's he doing?
Winning.
You threw it, didn't you?
You did good, dad.
Thanks.
I owe you one, Jack.
Come on, let's go.
- Sure you're okay?
- Yeah.
I did it!
I really did it!
Kevin, please.
Just kiss me once more.
You know what that's
going to lead to, don't you?
I want it to lead there.
I want to feel alive again.
I can't believe people
actually watch this stuff.
So I'm not the father of the child.
Well, that's some consolation.
Just who is the culprit?
You don't wanna know.
Let me guess.
Probably the deceased Mr. Cashman.
Ha!
Wrong, Vic.
Wrong.
Nikki doesn't even love you.
Come on, Vic, open your eyes, buddy.
She's been makin' it
with your friend Kevin.
You mean Kevin Bancroft?
That's exactly who I mean.
Watch, she's gonna blame it on you now.
You threw me at him.
You let him know it was perfectly fine
to take me to San Francisco.
Only he took me to bed
first, and it's your fault.
Did I tell ya?
I knew it.
Wake up, Vic!
She already buried one husband.
Do you think I'm gonna let that
get in the record for everybody to see?
Or for the child to find out later on?
Then we'll just
have a no-fault divorce.
We don't get along.
It's certainly true enough.
No, Nikki, I won't do it.
Listen, I've been thinking about this.
- Dad?
- Yeah?
This is cold, and the cheese
isn't hardly melted down.
Okay, give it.
I've got a stake in this kid.
And I'm gonna stick around
to make sure that he's okay.
There you go.
All you're
interested in is the baby.
The baby's more important
to you than Caroline?
That's right.
My own flesh and blood.
Kevin, you're such a fool.
That's right Nikki, I'm a fool.
Daddy, daddy, my Woobie's ripped.
Ken, you know what?
Maybe it's time to get rid
of the Woobie, all right?
No, no, no!
Okay, all right, all right!
Gimme it, gimme it.
The dad'll help
if he wants that baby.
It's more than just pride, Nikki.
Here you go, good as new.
Okay, listen, I'd
appreciate it if you guys
kept it down, okay?
Because Nikki's gonna get
the results of her blood test
back today.
You have other
children with Caroline!
That might happen--
Is it Kevin's baby?
Not sure.
Kevin's a skunk.
But Kevin gets all the girls.
He sure got Nikki.
My mother
doesn't love my father,
but still we've managed
to make a life together.
So you can just forget about
this annulment or divorce--
Yeah?
Hi, Joan, how you doin'?
It's gotta be Kevin's.
Victor?
How can it be Victor?
No, he had a vasectomy.
It didn't take?
Are you kidding me?
Hold on a minute!
Ken, give me that sword!
Okay, I've got 25-cent Wheaties rebate.
I'm gonna raise you
Vancamp's pork and beans
and Ovaltine.
Well, I'm gonna see your
25-cent Wheaties rebate
and raise you two Tender
Vittles dollar offs, okay?
That's it for me.
I'll fold.
Jack, why are you
dealing me this garbage?
I'm out.
This is so much more
fun than bridge, Jack.
Thanks so much for thinking of it.
Girls, girls.
Come on.
Are you gonna play
cards or flap your gums?
Flap my gums!
It's gettin' ugly in here.
Hey, come on.
All right, all right.
I will see you your Tender Vittles,
and I'll raise you a 50-cent Yoplait
and a two-dollar rebate
on a Domino's pizza
and a two-for-one Sun Pure frozen entree.
How about that?
- Ooh.
- Uh-oh.
This is serious poker.
Any of you ever tried those
Sun Pure frozen entrees?
My dog wouldn't eat 'em.
I love them, I do.
I'm calling you with a 25-cent
new and improved Ban roll-on
and two 50-cent triple-ply
Hefty bag offers.
What d'you got?
She's bluffing.
Are these any good?
You got two pair.
You got plenty.
Hi, kids.
Hi, mom!
- Caroline.
- Oh, hi.
Pizza, huh?
Oh, don't get up, don't get up.
Geez, that late already?
We're just finishing.
Don't be silly.
Don't get up, well, pizza.
I got a ton of work to do.
I'll go upstairs.
Listen, we better go here, come on.
- 7:30?
- 7:30!
We'll play tomorrow, am I right?
Family starving?
Take some pizza home with you.
No, no, I don't need it.
Joan, don't forget your coupons.
Excuse me.
Joan, come on.
I think I'm in trouble.
Room service, madam.
Oh, thanks, but Ron
gave me this tuna presentation to do,
and I'm really way behind.
Well, you gotta eat something, honey.
Well, if I wanted
something to eat, Jack,
I would have come down and
had something to eat with you
and your girlfriends.
All right.
Let's get into it.
Get into what, Jack?
Get into this.
The house is a mess, Jack.
The kids are a mess, Jack.
You're a mess, Jack.
Did I leave anything else out?
Wanna talk about the beard?
All right.
The beard's in its transitional
stage right now, that's all.
When it comes in, it's gonna look great.
It's gonna look like that
movie star, what's his name?
Orson Welles?
No.
Oh!
Orson Welles.
Oh, I get it.
Fat jokes, right?
That's real funny.
Yeah, I've put on a couple of pounds.
So what, come on.
What else do you have?
You wanna talk about this
shirt for a second, Jack?
All right.
You've been wearing this
shirt around the house
for about two weeks now.
It could walk around by itself.
Why don't you retire that thing
to the dry cleaning hall of fame, huh?
Because it's a comfortable shirt!
Jack, take a look at yourself.
You've really thrown in the towel, honey.
My brain is like oatmeal.
I yelled at Kenny today for
coloring outside the lines!
Megan and I are starting
to watch the same TV shows,
and I'm liking them.
I'm losin' it.
Honey, I know what you're talking about.
I've been there myself, all right?
If you were so unhappy
why didn't you say something about it?
Because I wasn't unhappy!
Look, maybe I was a little confused.
Maybe I was a little frustrated.
But I knew what I was doing was important,
because it means something
to raise decent human beings.
What saw me through was pride.
I had pride in this
house, I had in my kids,
and I had pride in being Mrs. Jack Butler!
Where are you going?
I'm going downstairs and
sleep on the fat couch,
if I can get through the door.
Well, be sure and take pride
in some of that fat, Porky!
Yes, hello?
Victor, it's Nikki.
Yes, hello, Nikki.
Honey, are you okay?
Yeah, I'm fine.
Hello.
Joan, hi, how are you?
No, forget it, come on.
That was days ago.
No.
No, it was very insensitive of us.
Caroline had every right to be angry.
We're not talking or
doin' anything else.
I'll be right there.
I came as fast as I could.
You sure did.
You look great, Jack.
I do?
Mm-hmm.
What do you think of this shirt?
Let me tell you about flannel.
It gets me hot.
Joan, do I look fat or
overweight at all to you?
I like a man with a
little meat on his bones.
That's two.
Okay, how about the beard?
I mean, Caroline hates the beard.
I know.
Oh, my god.
Jack!
Jack?
How could you?
And Joan?
Why, Joan, you're
supposed to be my friend.
He's too much man to
be left alone, Caroline.
Really?
Honey!
Please!
Caroline, come on.
It's just one kiss!
I'll bet.
Honey, what about the kids?
The kids are just outside.
I've thought of the kids.
The kids won't hear a thing.
Shoot me!
Shoot me!
You're right.
God knows I'm guilty.
I deserve it.
Tell me something, Jack.
What did it, huh?
The boredom?
The repetition?
The days, one flowing into the next?
The loneliness?
Well, I did it, Jack.
I did it for eight years.
Don't you think I know?
Say good-bye, darling.
What?
Aw, shit!
I loved this shirt!
God.
Couldn't hold on, could ya, Jack?
I was comin' by to call you back.
Holy cow.
What'd you use, a.38?
.38,.39, whatever it took.
Bye, darling.
Tough luck, Jeff.
Jack!
You bet.
Jack, Jack.
My name's Jack.
Jack.
Jack.
I can't, Joan, I can't.
You can't do this to me.
Do what?
It's time for our poker game.
The girls will be a little late.
There's no game today.
The game's called off.
Why?
'Cause there's a death in the family.
I'll explain it to you later.
Stay!
Get in there and clean the kids' room.
Three, four.
Yeah!
Let me take a break!
Two!
Three!
Four!
Hey!
Come on, pal.
Hey, south is drop off, north is pick up.
Let's get it straight
next time, all right?
Come on, move it, move it.
Let's go!
Let's go, monkeys!
I want all of you up, let's go!
I want this area policed.
I want the animals fed.
I want you to report for chow, 0700.
Move it, monkeys!
Move it, let's go!
Dad?
♫ Gonna fly now
Where's my baby
Come on.
Today show.
Gene Shalit.
♫ Gonna fly now
Let's go, we're running late.
Yeah, okay.
Thanks, honey, I'm moving now.
I'll be there in a minute.
Good luck.
♫ Gonna fly now
♫ Flying high now
♫ Gonna fly
♫ Fly so high
Listen, Ace.
You and I have to have
a man-to-man talk here
about your Woobie.
Your Woobie's looking bad, bud.
Now, wait a minute.
Now, listen to me.
I understand that you little guys
start out with your woobies
and you think they're great,
and they are, they are terrific.
But pretty soon, a Woobie isn't enough.
You're out on the street
trying to score an electric blanket
or maybe a quilt, and
the next thing you know,
you're strung out on bedspreads, Ken.
That's serious.
Now, give me the Woobie.
No.
Kenny, come on, man.
No.
Okay.
Give it to me for a couple of days.
If it doesn't work, you
got the Woobie back.
Please?
You got a lot of guts.
Can I have a moment to myself, please?
Absolutely.
You got it.
You had to do it.
Okay.
Ohh.
Tired, huh?
Oh, yeah.
A little.
Excuse me.
Hmm?
How about this food?
Mmm.
Very good.
Mm-hmm.
You sent out for Chinese food, huh?
No!
Kenny made this.
Nuh-uh.
Listen, you're doing a really
great job with the kids, honey.
I appreciate it.
And with everything.
You really are.
Thanks.
I'd love to take this time
to carry you upstairs,
and let you tell me all about
it, but I think that might
take too long.
Mmm.
Mmm.
How's it going in there, huh?
Like having your gums scraped.
You're on.
So soon?
It didn't take Humphries very long
to shoot down every idea we had.
Looks like you're the
ace in the hole, kid.
Well, I'm ready.
Okay, you've got my attention.
Shoot.
Well, these are the last two
campaigns for Schooner Tuna.
First you gave away four
glasses with every can of tuna.
Now, as I recall, you were
stuck with 60,000 of these,
right?
What is this, "This is your life"?
Now, bear with me.
Next came 100 free trips to Hawaii.
Now, who knew there was gonna
be a hurricane that month?
You're stuck with 100,000
of these flower lace.
I hope to hell you're making a point.
Well, I am making a
point, Mr. Humphries.
The point is, Schooner
Tuna is one of the three
most expensive tunas on the market.
Now, if we want to beat our competitors,
the time for these gimmicks
and giveaways is over with.
Now, I don't mean to be
disrespectful, Mr. Humphries,
but housewives need your
help, not your gimmicks.
Show them that you really
care about their problems,
and you'll win their loyalty.
Now, this is what I propose.
"Schooner Tuna sympathizes
"with those hit so hard
by this trying economy.
"To help you, we are reducing
"the price of our tuna by 50 cents a can.
"When this crisis is over,
"we'll go back to our regular prices.
"Until then, remember,
we're all in this together.
Signed, Howard Humphries, President,
Schooner Tuna.
"The tuna with a heart."
Well, you've got a
plane to catch.
I'm really sorry, Howard.
Damn well right, you're sorry.
Yes, I am.
Where in the hell have you
been hiding this little girl?
She's not just selling tuna,
son, she's selling America!
Right!
The tuna with a heart!
I love this bleeding heart shit.
That's American, that's what that is.
That's what I think!
Well, there's more.
More?
There is?
Yes.
Caroline, congratulations!
Thanks.
I am so impressed with you.
Hi, I'm here for Mrs.
Butler, 8:00 flight.
Right, she'll be right out.
Okay.
Why do you have to go to California?
'Cause that's where we're gonna
make the tuna commercial, honey.
Can't you go tomorrow, mommy?
No, I can't, because everyone else
is going tonight, and I have to go.
But you know what?
I'm gonna be back before you go
to your first meeting of the knights
of the round table, I promise.
Bye, honey.
Bye, sweetie.
Aww.
Wait, guys, stay right here.
Alex, Kenny, watch her for a minute, okay?
Let me talk to you.
Two hours notice, and you're
off to Los Angeles like that.
Jack, there is nothing
I could do about it.
I convinced a man today to spend
$11 million on one of my ideas.
I gotta go!
Besides, honey, there's gonna
be other Halloweens, you know.
I know there'll be other Halloweens,
but I'm thinking about this Halloween.
I mean, Caroline, these
kids, in a couple of years,
they're gonna outgrow this thing.
Oh, really?
You don't seem to have outgrown it, Jack.
All right, I admit it, I like Halloween.
Yeah, well, so do I, honey.
Remember, I was gonna dress
up as a prison matron tonight?
The point is, Megan
just cut two new teeth.
I'll bet you didn't know that.
Alex is playing football.
Remember Kenny's security blanket?
He doesn't have it anymore.
He doesn't use it, it's gone.
You know, if you were here,
I was gonna suggest you go as a ghost,
'cause even when you're
here, you're not here!
Caroline, we really have to get going.
Hey, Madison Avenue, lighten up.
All right, Jack.
What do you want me to do?
Not go?
Not try?
Not succeed?
Of course not!
I want you to succeed.
Hon.
You gave me some real good advice once.
So now let me give you some of mine.
It's real easy to forget what's important.
So don't.
Jack, I'm gonna be
back in less than a week.
Can't we talk about this then?
Come on, everything's gonna be all right.
Little woman's off again, huh?
Shut up, Annette.
Please, Megan.
Please.
Daddy will buy you a T-Bird.
Okay?
You want a T-Bird?
Please.
Put your bum down there, honey, okay?
I know, but--
Ken, she here?
I think she's here now, dad.
Okay, honey, please.
For daddy, Meg, please, okay?
Hi.
Who are you?
What?
Who are you?
I'm your baby-sitter.
Excuse me.
Wait.
- Oh, Jack.
- Hi.
- How are you?
- Okay.
Hi, kids.
You remember Uncle Jinx?
They're big now, huh?
Yeah.
Listen, what this is
about, it's a review board.
Now, it's just a formality.
They're gonna ask you
a couple of questions--
Jack, if you could back me up,
I think I can get you
back on at half salary.
What are you talking about?
You didn't say anything about
half salary on the phone.
Mr. Latham, Mr. Butler,
you can go in now.
According to our records,
since you and your associates left,
production in your division is off by 23 %
and cost soared up 19 %.
Do you have any explanation for that?
I'm a little confused here.
I'm no longer with the company.
I don't know.
You might ask Mr. Latham.
We have.
And?
I'm sorry, Jack.
I covered for you guys as long as I could.
You covered for us?
Yeah.
That's a lie.
That's not true.
Come on, Jack.
Larry and Stan were in here.
They already admitted
that I covered for them.
Now, come on!
It's time for you to be a stand-up guy.
Larry and Stan would say
anything you wanted them to say.
They need their jobs.
You want me to be a stand-up guy?
Okay, I'll be a stand-up guy.
I need my job too, but what's
going on here is wrong.
If I did such a bad job,
why did production go down
and costs go up after you fired me, huh?
Look, I don't know what this guy told you.
I don't know what he does with his books.
I'm a car maker.
I make cars.
I'm not an accountant.
But I'll tell you something.
I take a lot of pride in my work.
Dad?
Son, you're gonna have
to get out of here now.
This is a meeting.
Just a minute, Alex.
Daddy's talking.
I know it's not real
popular right now, you know,
taking pride in your work, but I did.
I cared.
You fired me for it.
If you ever talk to my
kid like that again,
I'm knocking you out.
Forget the paper.
There we go.
That's it.
Would you forget the pa--
Schooner Tuna commercial, take 24.
And action.
I'm Howard Humphries,
President of Schooner Tuna.
All of us here--
Cut, cut.
Cut it.
Caroline?
Caroline?
Telephone, Bill.
There's an emotional element missing.
Oh, for god's sake, what
does he want now, Caroline?
Wait a second, I'll take care of this.
What is it?
Can't you control him?
I want to say, "My fellow Americans."
Gaffer tape, please?
Fine, fine.
Okay, folks, one more time.
Quiet, please!
Clear it.
- Caroline?
- Mm-hmm.
How about a little dinner
after all this is over?
No, I don't think so.
I'm too tired.
As soon as this is over, I
want to go back to the hotel
and soak in a hot tub.
That's all I want to do.
Yeah.
That sounds like a great idea.
Quiet!
Schooner Tuna commercial, take 25.
My fellow Americans--
I actually thought I had a job there
for about 30 seconds today.
Hey, Jack, forget about it.
The most important thing is
that you didn't get fired.
- That's right.
- That's right.
That's a good way to look at it, I guess.
Listen, you guys get in now and go,
and I'm gonna get a cab.
We sprang for dinner!
You can't walk out on us now!
Come on, get in.
Where are you taking me?
Come on, get in the car.
Got him!
Oh, my god!
These aren't the same
guys from the space shuttle,
are they?
Hey, Flash!
Wow!
Don't look now, but I
think he's looking at you.
No, he's not.
Okay.
Remember, you don't know
where this has been.
Where's he putting it?
No, don't tell me,
don't tell me, don't
tell me, don't tell me.
Oh, my god.
Hey, wait, Flash!
Wait for me!
Hey, Joan!
Hey, seriously, this--
Ohh.
We're going to jail.
Who cares?
All right, girls.
Next time I'll call you, all right?
Don't bother calling me.
Seriously, it was fun.
I'll see you.
Here, take this.
I don't think I'm gonna need it.
What is it?
It's that dancer's telephone number.
Good-bye!
Will all the passengers be sure
to have their baggage checked
before boarding the buses.
Will Mrs. Turner--
Annette?
Mrs. Turner,
please come to the desk.
Will Mrs. Turner please come to the desk.
So, that's why you offered
to sit with the kids.
You knew where they were
taking me, didn't you?
Daddy?
Hi.
Come on, I'm taking you guys to bed.
Can we call mommy?
No, we can't, she's in California.
I want to talk to mommy too.
Come on, guys, go to bed.
We'll call her in the morning.
Well, it's only 8:30 in California.
Good point, Annette.
All right.
Okay, be very, very quiet.
Okay.
Right around here would be fine.
Incidentally, I really
appreciate this very, very much.
Oh, I'm quite sure you do.
♫ Strangers in the night
♫ Exchanging glances
♫ Wandering in the night
♫ What were the chances
♫ We'd be sharing love
Hello?
Alex who?
I don't know.
Some guy.
Let me see.
Is Caroline Butler there?
She's in the tub.
Who is this?
This is her husband,
who the hell is this?
Who was that on my phone?
Wrong number.
Ron, what are you doing?
Well, somebody has got
to pour the champagne.
You've been drinking
a lot, haven't you, Ron?
Moi?
Yep, a lot.
I think I'm gonna have to
ask you to leave now, okay?
Why?
There are no kids to go home to tonight.
Ron, get out.
We could make a great team, Caroline.
Really?
What the hell's that supposed to mean?
Well, basically, you
dump Jack, you marry me,
and it's Richardson,
Frankel and Richardson.
Come on.
What are you trying to tell me,
that you're in love with me?
Hell, no, but the client is.
All right, Ron.
This is my official
warning to you, get out!
You are so adorable when you're angry.
Ron, get out.
I'm not kidding.
- Ron!
- Oh, don't be coy with--
Oh, trying to play hard to get, huh?
Aren't you gonna answer that?
That's the fourth time
it's rung in the last hour.
Oh, do you want me to answer it?
Yeah!
Oh, okay.
Here we go.
Hello?
Okay?
Nobody there, I guess.
Oh.
Well, you probably want to be alone, huh?
Okay, good.
All righty.
Well, you try to get some sleep now, okay?
And don't worry.
My lips are sealed.
Won't be so bad
when I get your bangs rolled.
Horrible.
I don't think I'll be called
upon to defend my honor.
I doubt it.
I promised Jack I wouldn't say anything.
Now, remember, this is
in strictest confidence.
Of course!
Oh, good.
Another grown-up.
What happened?
Dad's making some minor changes.
Hi, Joan.
Just doing a little work around the house.
Kenny!
Don't paint your sister!
Hey, Butler!
Guess what?
You had quite a burst of
nervous energy last night.
Yeah.
You should have called me.
Hey, Butler!
Yeah?
I think I found your problem.
What is it?
This shoe.
Oh.
Kids.
Huh.
Doris, this is a friend of mine, Joan.
TV.
Hi.
Kitchen's clean.
Hi, Joan.
I'm gonna check your basement for bugs.
I sure hope I don't find any.
Eww, I'm all grimy and sweaty here.
Joan, I'm gonna go
upstairs and take a shower.
You can get a drink.
You know where we keep everything.
Or watch television, whatever you want.
Oh, wow!
Ooh.
Hey, Jack!
I love what you did to the bedroom!
Damn.
Thanks.
It's amazing what you
can do with a Sears card.
That's from their Safari collection.
You got a problem.
Okay.
All right.
A, she's an attractive woman.
B, she wants you, Jack.
She wants you bad.
C?
I don't even want to think about "C."
D,
Kenny'd talk.
Alex?
Alex would be okay.
Kenny'd talk.
He'd crack.
M, I'm a free agent.
N, I could be in the middle of it,
I could have a heart attack, I could die.
Caroline walks in, sees me there.
I die and get caught.
Joan?
Caroline!
What are you doing in my bedroom?
Huh?
This is my bedroom, isn't it?
Yeah.
Well, what are you doing here?
Is it too early for a drink?
All right, Y.
Why did I get rid of that Woobie?
Z, you're not gonna do anything,
'cause you, my friend, are
in love with your wife.
Joan?
Jack.
Caroline?
Well, now that we
have the names straight,
would you mind explaining to me
why I come all the way
home to talk to you,
and I find another woman in our room?
Oh, look who's talking.
I called your hotel,
Richardson answers the phone,
and I hear champagne
chilling in the background?
You heard that?
Aha!
Now, I'd appreciate it
if you just don't talk to me right now,
because I'm doing my best
to calm down, all right?
Excuse me, I have a household to run.
Oh, Jack!
Hello.
Oh, Jack.
I'm in a lot of trouble.
Look, I'm not talking to you.
No, no, please.
Listen to me.
I cut the department to the
bone, and they caught me.
I've gotta have you back.
I'll do anything.
Dad, is mommy home?
Not now, kid!
I'm talking here!
Warned you, Jinx.
Ohh!
Gee, one punch!
You want a company car?
One punch!
One punch!
- Caroline?
Oh, I've caught you at a bad time.
Hey, don't hit me, Jack.
I like what you've done with the place.
Gotta get a new tube.
Ron!
Caroline, I am begging you.
Humphries is gonna pull the whole account
unless you come back to work.
I told this guy last
night ten times that I quit.
What'd he do, make a pass?
I just got a little out
of hand, and she belted me.
You quit your job?
I didn't like that job.
I'm gonna get another job, a better one!
Anyway, I miss my family.
I thought you loved that job.
Thanks.
How about three days at the
office and two days at home?
Thanks.
There's no way I can do that.
Jack, will you listen to me?
Management wants you back!
Jack!
Thanks.
- Basement's clean.
- Okay.
Oh, thanks.
Look, he's offering me full
salary and a company car.
What do you think?
- Are you kidding, take it.
- Okay, look, Bert,
tell him I don't make a
move without Larry and Stan.
He doesn't make a move
without Larry and Stan.
Oh, you got a deal.
- Who are Larry and Stan?
- Thanks.
You're a working woman,
can't you understand?
I'll tell you something else.
You really hit him?
Don't you think I know
how to take care of myself?
Well...
Hurt your hand?
No.
Missed you.
I missed you too.
My fellow Americans,
I am Howard Humphries,
President of Schooner Tuna.
All of us here at Schooner Tuna sympathize
with those of you hit so hard
by these trying economic times.
In order to help you,
we are reducing the price of Schooner Tuna
by 50 cents a can.
When this crisis is over,
we will go back to our regular prices.
Until then, remember,
we're all in this together.
Schooner Tuna.
The tuna with a heart.