Mr. Mike's Mondo Video (1979) - full transcript

WOMAN: Excuse me, sir?
What is Mondo?

, it's a difficult question.

ANNOUNCER: What is Mondo?

It's a tough question, you know.

MAN: It's a strange question.

ANNOUNCER: What is Mondo?

Donkey pie...

I'm proud to say I'm an
actual genetic mutant.

[WOMAN SCREAMS]

[WOMAN LAUGHS]

[GLASS SHATTERING]



[GROWLING]

[GUNSHOT]

Okay, I guess we are just not
ready to show that film?

Let's show it.

Good evening.

I'm Mr. Mike,

inviting you to come
with me into a world

where the bizarre
is commonplace,

and the commonplace bizarre.

It is an odyssey
of aggressive weirdness.

Whatever raw, savage acts,

man's hellish brain
can conceive,

our cameras are there,

scouring the globe,



seeking out the cheap thrills,

the pointless perversities,

the shabby secrets,

the grotesque,
the pathetic...

[THUDS]

Unholy...

[THUD]

, the unholy,

the twisted, the macabre,

the outre, the eerie,

[DISTANT SIRENS]

the mystifying,

the sky above,
the mud below,

blue water, white death

in search of
Michael Rockefeller.

Come with me,

to the incredible world,

of Mr. Mike's Mondo video.

♪ A crazy world

♪ Of Mondo video

♪ It isn't pretty though

♪ It's true ♪

♪ Nations despise us

♪ Wouldn't surprise us

♪ If they finally
Drop the bomb

♪ And blow apart
That blacky world

♪ That Mondo video

♪ That little video

♪ I do

♪ But no despair, love

♪ I wouldn't care, love

♪ If the world
Should end today

♪ As long as I have you ♪

NARRATOR: Amsterdam.

Or as the Dutch call it,

city of cats and canals.

A dangerous combination,

and yet, miraculously, there
hasn't been a can't drowning

in over 300 years.

Incredible, you say?

Let's stop in Europe's
oldest can't swimming school

and talk to instructor,
hans Hoop.

One, two and breathe.

One, two and breathe.

Keep the toes and
the tail pointed,

claws in,

and don't be afraid
to get those whiskers wet.

You do it when
you drink milk.

Okay, here we go.

[SPLASH]

Yumpin' yimminy!

You're swimming!

Now, remember
that flutter kick!

HANS: Moments like these,
make it all worthwhile.

When I can take a student,
who is scared of the water,

[SPLASH]

help him conquer his fear,

and give him a sense of
pride and self-confidence,

well, you can see it,

it carries over to
other areas of their life.

Boots here, couldn't swim
a stroke when she first came.

But look at her now.

[SPLASH]

HANS: Come on!
Move those paws!

Okay, that's great.
Take a shower.

[CLAPPING]

Why, yingo!
Two thirty!

Time for my advanced
and intermediate class.

[WHISTLES]

Everybody in the pool!

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

NARRATOR: Lovely!

Just lovely!

But it's only a small part

of Holland's complete
feline safety program.

For this is not just
a swimming school,

it is also the Royal Dutch
Hang Gliding School for Cats,

located high atop
Amsterdam's tallest building.

Usually land on their feet.

Oh, well, good thing he's
got eight more lives to go.

[GROWLING]

Coming up next!

Big, stupid dinosaurs that
don't look very real,

jojo, the human hotplate,

looking up
Cheryl Tieg's dress,

and much more,

after this word
from our sponsor.

[TIRES SCREECHING]

A word of advice.

What you've just seen is tame
compared to what follows.

Footage, so brutal and candid,

that many found it offensive.

Most, have
called it offensive.

So get the kids,
the crazies,
the old people.

Get them around the set
and turn up the volume,

because you're about to enter
the astounding world

of Mr. Mike's Mondo Video.

You are all suspects

in the eyes of the Jack Lord.

Guilty until proven innocent.

You have the right
to remain silent.

AUDIENCE: [SHOUTS] Yes!

You have the right
to contact a lawyer.

But you have no right to
smuggle heroin onto the island.

AUDIENCE: [SHOUTS] No!

You have no right
to lure young girls

into prostitution.

AUDIENCE: [SHOUTS] No!

You have no right to
kidnap a high-ranking official.

AUDIENCE: [SHOUTS] No!

You have no right to be

a deranged Vietnam vet sniper
with hooks for hands.

AUDIENCE: [SHOUTS] No!

There is insufficient evidence

to bust you at this time.

Bust me!
Bust me!

I can't bust you, sister!

I get it, I get it.

AUDIENCE: Choose me!

I can't bust you people,

only the Jack Lord
can bust you.

[EXCLAIMS]

I've never bothered
much about religion.

And then, one night,

jack Lord suddenly appeared
to me on my Magnavox.

I could see him
clear as day.

And from that point on,
I was a believer.

Well, hail me, your TV guide!

AUDIENCE: Hail!

Hear me in your home
once a week!

AUDIENCE: Yes!

You'll fill your life with joy!

Yes!

And suspense!

Yes!

And adventure!

Oh, yes!

He showed me more
than the secret of life.

He showed me the
secret of television.

A bowl of bridge mix,

67 Mai Tais,

and I'm in heaven.

Turn on the tube,
and see the light.

Let me tell you something.

You don't need Zenith,
chromacolor System 3.

AUDIENCE: [SHOUTS] No!

You don't need no fancy
26-inch Sony Trinitron!

AUDIENCE: [SHOUTS] No!

You don't need no giant
7-foot Advent Video Beam.

AUDIENCE: [SHOUTS] No!

The Jack Lord
helped me kick Valium.

And now to close out
today's service,

i'm going to ask
the lovely Princess Wahini,

to come forward and
sing hymn number 48,

the Final Episode,

while dancing the hula.

Remember friends,

every motion
has a meaning.

♪ Were you there

♪ When they

♪ Crucified Jack Lord

♪ Were you there?

10450, we are in position.

♪ Were you there?

♪ When they

♪ Crucified Jack Lord

♪ Were you there?

Seal off the Universe and
patch me through to God.

♪ O-o

♪ O-o ♪

♪ Sometimes

♪ It causes me

♪ Tremblble

♪ Tremble

♪ Were you there

♪ When they

♪ Crucified

♪ Jack

♪ Lord

[CLAPPING]

♪ Were you there when they

♪ Laid him in the tomb

[CLAPPING]

♪ Were you there when they

♪ Laid him in the grave

♪ O-o ♪

♪ Sometimes it causes me

♪ To tremblble

♪ Tremble

♪ O-o ♪

And the Jack Lord,

looked down upon those
that had betrayed him,

the pimps,
the blackmailers,
the junkies,

the arsonists,
the loan sharks,

the psychos,
the hitmen,

and he smiled upon them,
and he said,

book them down, murder one.

♪ Were you there ♪

[SCREAMING]

[WIND HOWLING]

[THUNDER RUMBLING]

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

NARRATOR: January 5th, 1979

A man waits nervously in a
Washington street corner,

as our hidden cameras
record the event.

In that violent case,

top secret film of a
terrifying new weapon.

Film, which he
has agreed to sell,

for 20,000 dollars.

The transaction goes smoothly,

and within minutes, the film
is on the Mondo plane

winging its way to
our headquarters in Rome.

Why do we risk
the jail terms,

the beatings,
the homosexual rape,

for 20,000 dollars?

Because as top
Italian journalists,

we feel a moral obligation

to expose this
awesome threat

posed by the
American War Machine.

Laser Bra 2000.

[INDISTINCT BACKGROUND VOICE]

So this will be a top secret.

You're about ready to
show this thing now?

Oh, okay, let's do it.

I see you brought it
out of the Mondo bank.

Yes, I thought that the trip
would do it good.

This is a big track
for Mondo video.

MIKE: It's a baby.

It's a puppy
and a baby.

I think you have
been cheated, Mr. Mike.

Perhaps you
could have spent
that 20,000 more wisely.

Do you think we could
get the money back?

Son of a bitch!

NARRATOR: But exposing
the awesome threat

of the American War Machine
would have to wait.

Our cameras are on the move.

From the fear-riddled
ruins of Macchu Picchu,

to the radioactive
headquarters of the Nile,

from the slime-drenched
rainforests of Sumatra,

to Paris, France,
or City of Frogs,

as I like to call it.

The Eiffel Tower,

Notre-Dame,

the Left Bank,

the Champs-Elysees,

and of course, the
magnificent French cuisine.

But here, we found
the unique restaurant,

a restaurant where
American tourists go

to be treated like dirt.

Unbelievable, you say?

Well, step inside,

and see for yourself.

Bon-jour, you stupid
American pigs.

Welcome to the
Cafe No Americain!

Here are your menus.

Uh, these aren't menus,
these are phonebooks.

Well, does it
matter to you,
ignorant scum,

you can't read
French any way.

I will tell you
what's on the menu.

For hors-d'oeuvre, we have
glazed rabbit pellets.

And then for entree,
we offer poached dog lips,

ground monkey throat,

swan with mold,

braised hog nostrils,

minced dolphin long loaf,

and chicken in a mask.

Might I suggest

the specialty
of the evening,

the candied mink brains.

, pardon.

How is that prepared?

In the usual way, madame.

And then our chef actually
takes a whizz on it.

It's all in the sauce.

[LIPS SMACKING]

Well, I'll have that
and the pellets.

I'll have the same,
and bring Cubby here,

a half order of the
ground monkey throat.

No, I want dessert first.

, for dessert, we have

donkey pie, brandied kittens,

or moths in wine.

I'll have the moths.

Very well, I will take
your order to the chef.

But first, allow me
to flambe your table.

It's a French custom.

[SCREAMING]

Fire!

[SCREAMING]

Fire! Do something!

I'm sorry, it's
not my table.

[SCREAMING]

NARRATOR: Well,
here in Australia,

these lingerie models

cook up a different
kind of dinner.

[FIRE CRACKLING]

We, the makers
of Mondo video,

are sorry and ashamed
to have to insist

on showing
the following footage.

A boy decapitated by
a blood-crazed goose,

Nazi oven mitts,

gig Young's groceries,

girls in net stockings
kissing each other,

and this startling confession.

Hello.

When the Mondo crew
asked me to appear

on their Celebrity Deformity
section on the show,

I really couldn't
refuse, honestly.

In fact, I
lapped up the chance.

Guess you could say
I'm a celebrity.

I've been in the public eye
for a couple of years now,

and I'm also deformed.

In fact, i'm proud to say
I'm an actual genetic mutant.

Genetically mutated
from birth,

and that mutation
manifests itself

in my feet.

Now, as you will see here
very shortly,

the two sets of middle toes
on both my feet,

are webbed by an
actual web of skin,

not unlike a reptile.

And, just to show you that

this isn't some
cheap makeup trick,

i'm going to take a
Phillips head screwdriver,

and I'm going to pass it
on either side,

of the webbed mass

between the toes
of both my feet.

And then actually take
the screwdriver and prod

the web of skin here,
so that you see

that in fact, it is
organic and real,

and much a part of me.

And I'd like you to keep that
in mind next time you see me.

NARRATOR: Stay with us
for Marcel Cousteau,

the swimming mime,

when Mondo video continues.

That concludes the
milder portion of our film.

Now we move on
to the truly tasteless.

The vile,
the degrading,
the repulsive,

the monstrous, the maniacal.

Quite frankly,

many of the people
on the Mondo crew

refused to work on
the following footage.

Judge for yourself,

as we enter
the fantastic world

of Mr Mike's Mondo video.

NARRATOR: Be ready,
the Mondo truck

is coming to
your nation soon.

Spanning the earth,
our top Italian journalists,

ask you the important
questions of our time.

ANNOUNCER: Do you believe
in capital punishment
for elephants?

I certainly do. I believe
in it whole-heartedly.

For elephants?

Oh, definitely.

I don't think they
deserve to live

because they'll want to
make more troubles.

Capital punishment for them?

Yes.

No.

They should be in institutions.

They should get
15 to 25 years, to life.

If they commit a violent crime,
I think they should be punished.

If they kill
somebody, you know.

Well, to tell you the truth,
I'm not a lawyer.

I don't want to say, maybe
I'll say the wrong thing.

So I don't know.

If they kill people,
let them be killed too.

Then they put them in jail,
they get out and do it again.

I feel that they
should go to jail.

Because they go out there
and kill them people,

innocent people for no reason.

So, I feel if they do that,
they need to go to jail.

What, are you gonna
kill a dog or a...

They don't understand
what they are doing.

If he didn't know the
crimes he was committing,

I see no reason to kill him.

The evidence must be there,

there must be witnesses, because
otherwise I don't believe in it.

If they kill somebody,
if they rob, they steal,

they should be punished
just like anybody else.

NARRATOR: But there is
no rest for the Mondo

as our cameras record
this never-before-seen film

of the Loch Ness monster
seized in drug busts.

Indisputable photographic proof

that these creatures do exist.

Six months,
and $40,000 later,

at last we are ready to expose
the awesome threat

posed by the
American War Machine.

[CLICK]

Laser Bra 2000.

MAN: Incorrect!

WOMAN: Imbecile!

Well, half-way
around the world,

in the tiny island
kingdom of Bhutan,

[LOCAL MUSIC]

and then, we took
our cameras to Tokyo to see

to see what method
of birth control

Japanese men prefer.

Fly-paper.

Fly-paper.

Fly-paper.

Fly-paper.

Fly-paper.

Fly-paper.

Fly-paper.

Fly-paper.

Fly-paper.

Fly-paper.

Fly-paper.

Ihua-naka.

Fly-paper for me.

NARRATOR: Well,
here in America,

people don't eat
gelatin dessert.

they jump in it.

It's the latest fad,

and that means
everybody's doing it.

Doing what?

Having their toes webbed.

Looking up
Cheryl Tieg's dress.

And those American gals, well,

they're dropping their
dream boats for creeps.

That's right, the losers
are winning out.

And if you don't believe us,

perhaps you'll believe these
glamorous Hollywood starlets.

When my date blows his nose
in his handkerchief,

and then looks at it,

I can't say no.

Blackheads drive me wild.

Dandruff sends me,

and dirty fingernails?

[GROWLING]

I adore men who
smell their fingers.

Pimples on the back
sends my pulse racing.

When I know that
a guy is over 40,

and still lives
with his mother,

I just can't help myself.

It doesn't take much.

Acne guns my motor.

When my boyfriend is so fat,
I can't see his belt,

my heart skips a beat.

I think it's so cute

when guys miss the toilet.

I'm a pushover
for loose dentures.

Hello?

Hello!

I go the limit for
a guy with bad breath.

And if he has plaque
on his teeth?

Wigga-wigga!

Guys who sneeze
in their hands

and wipe it on their pants,

get me hot!

I think fellas who
drink too much

and can't get it up
are dreamy.

If you want to get to
first base with me, honey,

spit when you talk.

When I reach down and
feel a firm colostomy bag,

I know I'm with a real man.

I wouldn't kick
Ralph Nader out of bed.

And speaking of the
war between the sexes,

Gig Young's groceries.

Very Mondo, very bizarre.

But not so bizarre
is this training camp

for Kate Smith's pall bearers.

These Mexican sex aids

and the mouse princess

hit by two trains.

[TRAIN BLARING]

[CRASH]

More of this when
Mondo video continues.

Someone once said,
I think it was Lou Gehrig

it takes a big dog
to weigh a ton.

Coming up next,

this report on
radioactive lingerie

the women who sell it,

the women who wear it,

and the tragic results.

But first, please welcome
Mr. Sid Vicious.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[GUNSHOTS]

NARRATOR: We're
gonna miss you, Sid.

Sid Vicious,

a very Mondo kinda guy.

[AIRPLANE FLYING]

Two years, and a quarter
of a million dollars later,

we are finally ready to
expose the awesome threat

posed by the
American War Machine.

Laser Bra 2000.

It's been a long time since we
arrived at Rome together?

Still no word out of
Michael Rockefeller?

Hi kids, how are you?

Things been pretty good
with you people?

Okay, I guess we're just about
ready to show that film, huh?

Let's show it.

This better be good.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Remove the violin case.

[CLAPPING]

[MARCHING BAND MUSIC]

Until now,

war has traditionally
been a man's profession.

But with the
introduction of women

into the US combat forces,

new weapons are required
to make optimum use

of the female soldiers'
unique physical attributes.

Laser Bra 2000

is the most devastating
of these weapons.

[SHOOTING]

We saw it turning
the female foot soldier

into a curvaceous
killing machine.

These deadly
foundation garments

support, lift, and separate.

Shown here are recent tests

conducted in
Fort Bragg, North Carolina,

female sharpshooters
demonstrate the
uncanny accuracy

and firepower
built into these

experimental brassieres.

[SHOOTING]

[CLINK]

[SHOOTING]

[CLINK]

[SHOOTING]

[CLINK]

[SHOOTING]

[CLINK]

Here is one weapon

we hope will never fall
into enemy hands.

[SHOOTING AND CLINKING]

But if you think
these lasers are something,

the other day, I saw a cowgirl
packing up her pair of 38's.

[SHOOTING AND CLINKING]

Hey lady, if you're
gonna sell those puppies,

I want the one
with the pink nose.

You are a donkey,
right, Mr. Mike?

Many of these men
have eaten human flesh.

But more about them later.

NARRATOR: Aberdeen, Scotland.

Breeding ground for deviants.

One is reminded of
an old Scottish proverb,

the only difference between
a woman and a sheep

is you can't make a
sweater out of a woman.

Incredible photographs,

but not so incredible
as this woman,

who dares protect the
future of Jeane Dixon.

WOMAN: I predict
that Jeane Dixon

will be the only old lady
that nobody likes.

[CAR HONKING]

Well, here in
downtown New York,

stands the world's
largest mound of garbage.

Enough garbage to feed
and clothe every Albanian,

with a little
left over to sleep at.

[THUD, CLINK]

[MUSIC INSTRUMENT PLAYING]

[CHIRPING]

[PIANO MUSIC PLAYING]

[HUMMING]

[FOOTSTEPS]

[WOMEN LAUGHING]

Coming up next,

Japanese bathing
in dolphin blood,

fried money,

and Christmas
on other planets,

when Mondo video continues.

[SHATTERING]

[GROWLING]

Limousines for some
of Mr. Mike's guests,

furnished by East Wind
Limousine Service,

in exchange for this
promotional announcement.

[WIND BLOWING]

As a producer of this movie,

I must apologize
for the quality

of the following footage.

The subject matter
was so loathesome,

so ghastly and appalling

that no legitimate film lab
would touch it.

But in no way did
these minor technicalities

blunt the stark naked impact,

as we enter the exotic world

of Mr. Mike's Mondo Video.

[CINEMA MUSIC PLAYING]

NARRATOR: Yeah, the
Mondo truck is back,

bringing you tomorrow's
headlines today,

discussing the issues that
our brain discusses.

WOMAN: Should people who
are deaf and dumb

be allowed to talk
with their hands

while driving a car?

No.

Why?

Absolutely not, because
it is very unsafe.

Why? Why, I mean...

Well, if they can't talk

and they have to
really say something,

they can't say it.

I mean, so what's
the point in it?

Well, if you take your hands
off the steering wheel,

I think that
would be hazardous.

I would not let them drive.

It's a type of question that

I really can't say yes or no,

I think if a person
could drive,

and,

they will be able to talk,

if they could drive
with one hand,

and talk to another
person in the car,

then I think that's something
that would be allowable.

But if it is
going to interfere
with their driving...

They are gonna go,
just go right off to highway,

you know what,
in your rest area,

just clear out the
whole rest area.

They hit a gasoline truck,

boom! Everything goes, you know.

And hundreds of people
are killed, like over in Spain.

They can't talk for both, and
drive, that's not permitted.

No, I would say, no.

I think it's dangerous.

Oh, never. Never.

[LAUGHING] Now...

It's a tough question, you know,

but somebody's got to
draw the line somewhere.

You know, I hate
to be the one,

but you know, no,
they can't do it.

[SNIFFS]

[SPITS]

NARRATOR: Let's
move on to Libya,

where people have
another opinion.

[SHOUTS]

[FIRING]

WOMAN: Sound rolling.

MAN: Okay, quiet please.

Can I have
background action?

Camera.

Camera rolling.
Chopper get ready.

Armageddon, crowd scene,
take one.

[CLAP]

Okay, first to go
to both sides,

come through, please.

Chopper?

[STATIC]

Okay, go now.

[STATIC] Okay.

Good. Just take
it slow and hover.

Dock after
train pigeon wound up.

Right. [CHOPPER WHIRRING]

Last couple, look out
of the postcard stand.

And stop, good...

And continue.

Doc, release the pigeon.

People moving, give me
some energy now.

Ready with the
smoke machines?

You know what?
I'm set to go.

That's a professional.

Drive wide at me
at the camera.

Can I have a group
of ten from the left?

Brown car in.

Background people,
more energy now, come on.

Brown car, come through.

People, don't bunch
it up like that.

Brown car, move it!

Come on, hustle through,
brown car, move it!

White car in.

Okay, on the right,
who do we have?

Ben and Teddy,
come through, please.

That's it, do your stuff.

You two in a scuffle?

What?

You ready with the debris?

Yeah.

Give me three explosions.

I think we have
a problem here.

No, don't think, just fix it.
We're going in thirty seconds.

Where's everybody?

Skip and Jane,
please come through.

Green car through.

Chopper, bring her in.

[STATIC] All right.

Green car through,
green car through.

[CHOPPER WHIRRING]

Who the hell
hired this guy?

Chad, I want you
to walk through,

and casually head towards
the postcard stand.

Driver, you're fired.

Okay, Ted, turn right,

good, and go talk
to the pretzel man.

Beautiful work, Ted.
Guys!

Okay, Manuel, you're on.
Now lots of energy.

Come through.

Beautiful, beautiful!
Oscar time!

Okay, people, here we go
with the big one in 10 seconds.

Don't anticipate
the blast, please!

All effects units, standby.

Unit 1, smoke!

All ready!

Okay, unit 3, explosion?

All ready!

I'll back up you then, standby.

Three, two, one, go!

Ted, what's wrong?

I think a wire just...

Look, it's your job
to make it work.

Doc, give me
another bird, please.

Give me seven more people.

Keep the action going!

Everything's working now!

All right, this is it.
Everybody stand by.

Five, four, three, two...

Hold it, hold it, hold it.

No, it's wrong,
the feeling's all wrong.

Starting positions, please.

Am I asking too much
of you people?

Cut!

Let's do it again, please!

[BEEPS]

NARRATOR: Often tonight,

you've heard me
use the word, Mondo.

Perhaps you wonder
what it means.

I think Sylvia Schichman
explains it best.

SYLVIA: I have a poem here,

that wasn't written by me.

that I was directed to

work over by ESP recently.

We'll call it, when I took a
poetry course, many years ago.

I was recently directed
where to find it,

what the name was, everything.

I didn't know where it was.

So, uh, this was
in a new school,

and it was written
by Jan Beeman.

Charlie and the Rain,
only I would change it,

to the golden rose
called Rita.

He refused to
acknowledge any names.

She refused to
acknowledge any names.

He took off his name.

She took off her name.

He took off his age.

She took off her age.

He took off his clothes.

She took off her clothes.

She put on his clothes.

He put on her clothes.

She put on his age.

He put on her age.

She put on his name.

He put on her name.

She agreed to
acknowledge all names.

He agreed to
acknowledge all names.

NARRATOR: Sylvia Schichman
on the meaning of Mondo.

Coming up next,

Nose-binding among
Chinese Jews,

new hope for
the criminally insane,

and the song of the
harpooned humpback whale.

[FIRING]

when Mondo video continues.

[WHALE SINGING]

[GUNSHOT]

[GUNSHOT]

[GUNSHOTS]

[GUNSHOT]

[GUNSHOT]

NARRATOR: New York City,

where 11 million people
live, love and kill.

New York, my town.

I'm here in front of
Manhattan's swank
Party Doll Lounge

where every morning,
Gotham's followers
gather to hear

Root Boy Slim, a singer
with a strange message.

What you're about to see
is not for the weak,

it is, in fact, not
even for the strong.

so come with me,

as we enter the
remarkable world

of Mr. Mike's Mondo Video.

[CLUB MUSIC PLAYING]

♪ Put a quarter in the juke

♪ Boogie till you puke

♪ To that locker room

♪ Let's really zoom

♪ Shooting and tooting

♪ All night long

♪ The party lasts

♪ Till your brain cells gone

♪ I start with port

♪ Drink two or three quarts

♪ I drink Pernod

♪ Then I boogie some more

♪ Speeding two weeks

♪ On Wyamine

♪ Don't mix too good

♪ With that ice box wine

♪ Boogie

♪ Now

♪ Talking about you

♪ Put a quarter in the juke

♪ Boogie till you puke

♪ Form a big boss line

♪ It's puking time

♪ Cleaning woman

♪ Found me on the floor

♪ Can't wait until tomorrow

♪ To boogie some more

♪ Boogie

♪ Get on down ♪

[COUGHING]

[COUGHING]

[COUGHING]

[MUSIC ENDS]

[JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]

[SNIFFS]

Women,

put a bag over their hearts,
and they're all the same.

NARRATOR: Ladies
and gentlemen,

Pat Nixon and the
Mondo video dancers.

Thank you, Pat,

but I'm afraid I'm going
to have to interrupt

with this important warning
from the local authorities.

MAN: This is a man
in a dog suit.

He's a member of a radical
underground organization.

Notice his uniform,

the artificial sialoid tongue,

the flappy cotton ears.

Notice that he has no hair

on his forearms,

or hind legs.

His snout is obviously false.

You can see clearly the
contours of his face.

Protect your children.

The radical underground

is once again preying upon

the generous nature
of the public.

Do not be taken in
by this charade.

[TELEVISION CHATTER]

[POP]

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

[GLASS SHATTERING]

[EXPLOSIONS]

[EXPLOSIONS]

[EXPLOSIONS]

[EXPLOSIONS]

[EXPLOSIONS]

[EXPLOSIONS]

[EXPLOSION]

[WIND BLOWING]

[FIRE CRACKLING]

NARRATOR: Yeah,
it's the Mondo truck.

back again, asking the
questions it asks again.

WOMAN: Should smoking
be permitted

in mental institutions?

No, it's dangerous.

I think it is dangerous
to have smoking

in mental institutions,

because, the poor,
sweet, wonderful souls,

they may forget and
do something to themselves

with the cigarette.

Thank you, have a merry
Christmas, everybody!

NARRATOR: Coming up next,

deli of the damned,

[CRACKLING]

stern measures for
stuffed animals,

[CRACKLING]

[EXOTIC MUSIC PLAYING]

and the obscene gestures
of other lands,

when Mondo video continues.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

[AUDIENCE SHOUTING]

MAN: All right!

WOMAN: Oh, yeah!

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

[KLAUS NOMI SINGING ARIA
SAMSON AND DELILAH]

[AUDIENCE WHISTLING]

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

[AUDIENCE WHISTLING]

[AUDIENCE WHISTLING]

[AUDIENCE WHISTLING]

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

[AIRPLANE FLYING]

NARRATOR: Here, in the
Malay archipelago,

just off the
Great Barrier Reef,

these Dayak Indians
wait anxiously

for the American cargo planes,

now two days late.

The natives are worried,

they do not understand.

[NATIVE LANGUAGE]

The long vigil is over.

The iron birds have come.

[YELLING]

These simple islanders are the
victims of a wasteful society.

Once a month,
the planes fly over

dropping, not food
and medical supplies,

but America's
discarded things,

the flotsam and jetsam
of a decadent culture.

[CHATTERING]

[SHOUTING]

[CHEERING]

Once a proud
and industrious people,

now they have forgotten
their traditional ways.

[LAUGHING]

Their fishing boats lie
rotting in the sand.

The nets, torn
and unmended.

They have turned
their harpoons
into tetherball poles.

[EXOTIC MUSIC PLAYING]

Here, where once hung,
ancient tribal masks

celebrating the glory
of their ancestors,

now hangs
psychedelic posters,

and pop art.

The circumcision altar
is defiled by Crazy Foam.

These debased and
pathetic creatures

have forgotten
the ways of nature.

Even their sacred fire
is a fraud.

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

[CHANTING]

No longer do they make
sacrifice to the old Gods.

Now they are content
to sit on the beach

and worship lava lamps.

[CHANTING]

Here is a people that are

sad, pitiful,
a disgrace to humanity.

These fierce warriors
are now spineless slaves

to gadgets and gizmos.

Where is their manhood,
one is forced to ask!

How can they live in
such shame and humiliation?

[YELLING]

It is not sympathy
one feels,

but almost
a physical disgust,
a repulsion...

[YELLING]

[GROANING]

MAN: Oh, my God!
They got Mr. Mike!

Does it hurt?

Only when I laugh.

Leave him! Leave him!

[MOANING IN PAIN]

[MAN YELLING]

[GROANING]

[NATIVES SHOUTING]

[WAVES SPLASHING]

[ITALIAN THEME SONG PLAYING]