Mr. Art Critic (2007) - full transcript
M.J. Clayton is a high profile Art Critic in Chicago. He is known throughout the country for his heartless and angry reviews, and is often scolded by his publisher. After a particularly mean-spirited batch of reviews, he takes a vacation to his small cottage on Mackinac Island. At a local pub, he awkwardly meets up with Frank, one of the angry artists who had been bashed by one of Clayton's recent reviews. The beers and hard liquor start to take hold, and before he knows what hit him, Clayton makes an impulsive and sloppy proclamation that any idiot can make art, and bets that he can prove it. The next morning, hung over, using supplies happily furnished by Frank, he finds himself struggling to fulfill his wager with no particular talent. Downtown is an annual art festival, and because of his notoriety and rantings at the bar, M.J. Clayton painfully finds himself featured prominently in festival literature. His connection to the national art scene makes him some kind of a local hero. He really just wants to hide and not deal with these people. Then he gets the bad news, he's fired. When he finds out that the first place prize is $10,000, he puts a last minute entry into the festival using a particularly striking painting he quietly purchases from Lisa, a genuinely gifted local artist. Ghost painting he calls it. No big deal. His efforts turn mostly to bluffing, and the patrons of the festival are amazed at his 'talent'. He tries to stay modest. In the end, the truth is painfully revealed, and M. J. Clayton finds his arrogance grinding into humility. He discovers the hard way that the ability to create art is indeed a gift and that he is not among the chosen few.
(hip hop music)
- Okay, is, what Andy?
This is MJ Clayton.
The car is not an MJ it is an MG.
Super rare.
I do not want to be driving a 50th
anniversary MG in cartreuse with
a large foot-shaped dent in the door.
I don't know that it was someone's foot,
it could've been...
Can I, can I, can I speak to
someone who's a good listener?
(typing sound)
- Do you like it?
- Is it yours?
- Yes it is.
You're MJ Clayton, aren't you,
from The Sky Beacon!
- That's right, that's right, good good.
- Yeah, I have heard about you.
Hey, Chicago.
Well?
- Well what?
- Look, I...
Man, I really really appreciate
you taking the time to look at my work.
I just, I moved here from St. Louis.
- That's great.
- Yeah, this show...
Means a lot to me.
I've put my whole life into this.
- Wow.
- Yeah, I was invited to be here.
- By?
- Mrs. Tonington.
I mean it was a (chuckles) big honor.
- The Tonington Gallery
has stooped to a new dismal low.
Another tiresome display
with dispassionate,
futile canvas, and all the trite and
misdirected "artists"
as they call themselves
realize perhaps that their efforts
might be better spent painting mailboxes.
(clears throat)
What?
- Here's your espresso.
- No no, not on the desk!
- Where would you like me
to put it, Mr. Clayton?
- What did you just say?
- Where would you like me to put this?
- Who are you?
- I'm a temp, Miss Wyman's
taking some time off.
- Oh.
You're a lot easier on the eyes.
So what are you, a student?
- I'm an art student at Whittingdale.
- How about that.
I never met one of those before.
- I'm sorry, but you ordered this, right?
- Just take that off and
put that right there.
Could you, I'm sorry, could you...
- Oh, sure.
Here you go, sir.
Let me know if you need anything else.
- What?
- If you need anything?
- Oh, okay.
- let me know.
- Thank you very much.
Bye bye.
- Bye bye.
- Clayton!
- Jim!
Hi.
- We've been getting another batch
of complaints about your reviews.
- Well good, that means people
are reading your paper.
- People always read the paper...
- Tell you what, tell
you what, tell you what.
I'm gonna go on vacation.
After I get back from vacation,
I will give it some thought and
in the meantime, I have got to
get to another artist opening.
Please, can I just?
- Remember what I said.
- I will, I've got it right in here.
(elevator music)
- How's it going, MJ?
- Yeah, fine.
Gotta get the hell out of here.
- You're not quitting on us are you?
- No, I'm going on vacation.
- Well we're sure gonna miss you.
Who's gonna write your column?
- (mumbles).
- Heading up North?
- That's enough.
- I call it Hummingbird.
- How, how did we get to Hummingbird?
- The dynamics between the shadows
and the highlights, like right here,
speak of summer and freedom.
Hummingbird just made sense.
- I see.
Well thank you for sharing that.
- You know, I don't do this for the money.
- Really?
- No, I do it because...
- Let me guess, let me, may I?
- Yeah.
- You do this because you have
an inner spirit that speaks to
you and drives you to create.
And your parents paid for you to
go to art school someplace and then the
world discovered your unbelievable gift.
- Go on.
- I think it's clear that you obviously
operate off a trust fund of some sort
and I don't think that
your wife likes sex,
so you just kind of
create things like this,
and you don't have kids so you
probably have a pet of some kind.
- Wow.
- You don't know who I am, do you?
- No.
And I don't think I really want to.
- Not from around here?
- Now that part you got right.
As for the rest, my girlfriend is
very healthy, if you know what I mean.
My last sculpture sold for 7,500 bucks.
I don't have any pets, but I do
have a degree in Computer Science
from the University of Michigan.
- Super.
- So what, you like to visit the
galleries and kick the artists for fun?
- No, I get paid for it.
Anyway, see ya.
- So what'd he say?
- Should I know this guy?
He acted like I should.
- Maybe.
You know, he's the critic
for The Sky Beacon.
- Oh shit.
- What happened?
- Well I might have
been a little bit rude.
- Good!
The little bastard had it coming.
The rest of us are too
chicken to ever say anything.
We always try to avoid him.
- So I take it he was
here covering the show?
- Yup, sure was.
- I am so screwed.
Hey, I'm Frank.
- Brian.
It's good to meet you.
Haven't seen you around here before.
- No, I'm just visiting,
I'm from Michigan.
Muskegon actually.
- Well I hope you sell something.
- Thanks, me too.
So when does his review come out?
- Saturday's paper usually.
- Tomorrow.
- Yup.
- Wow.
Well I hope I have some
sales before everyone
finds out what lousy stuff this is.
(laughing)
Good meeting you.
- You too.
- To fully describe the state
of affairs at the Bremeiter Gallery,
one must first erase any expectation
of skill or emotional acuity.
At the bottom of this quagmire
like dead Guppies lay clunky inert
works by newcomer Frank Denham.
(mutters) clunky.
(country rock music)
(car revs)
♫ Sun coming up now
♫ Early break of dawn
♫ (mumbles) got his handcuffs
♫ Jail bus is gone
♫ He lived his life by the Alabama key
♫ His spent his last night in the city
♫ Who (mumbles) wagons
was his game for sure
♫ A break in hot wire, he's gunning for
♫ Top dollar for two
doors and six figure rides
♫ He spent his last night in the city
♫ As a younger man, that's when he learned
♫ His daddy taught the tricks of the trade
♫ Don't get greedy or you'll get burned
♫ He got a taste for money, it hooked him
♫ For life, for life, for life
♫ You in trouble now, boy
(synthesizer solo)
(piano solo)
(electric guitar solo)
♫ As a younger man, that's when he learned
♫ His daddy taught the tricks of the trade
♫ Don't get greedy or you'll get burned
♫ He never saw it coming
and they booked him
♫ For life, for life, for life
♫ Banking it high or banking it low
♫ Do the simple math,
boy, add up the dough
♫ Be careful what you wish
for if you wanna live free
♫ Don't live your life by the Alabama key
♫ Don't live your life by the Alabama key
♫ Don't live your life by the Alabama key
♫ Don't live your life
by the Alabama key ♫
(humming)
- Did you begin this in prison?
It's very effective.
- Can I help you?
- Yes, I would like to get on the
very next ferry to the island.
- No problem.
- And I just want a one way.
- Just a one way?
- That's right, just a one way.
- You know it's cheaper if you
buy them both at the same time.
- Uh huh, thank you very much for
that information, I would just like
the one way ticket, I'll
buy the return later.
- But if you buy the round trip,
we give you a ticket...
- Lady, can I just have the damn ticket
and then we can get on with this?
- Okay then.
12 dollars.
- That could hurt someone.
- Jackass.
(remixed banjo music)
- Hey, hey!
Sit down and stop it!
(loud clang)
(horse clomping)
(country jazz music)
- Hi, can I please have a...
- I'll be right back.
- Hi, can I have a gin and tonic please?
- Coming right up.
- And a glass of water?
- Sure.
Here you go.
- Great, I'm sorry, I forgot
to ask, I need a lime.
- Give me a minute.
Here you go.
- Okay.
Oh, I need a lime.
- Shit, I forgot.
You ready to order?
- I really need the lime.
- I'll be right back.
- And like bam, right in the shoulder.
Spun me around, and then I ended
up in the grass, I don't even know
how I ended up in the grass,
but the bike was over there.
- Here you go, sir.
- Are you kidding?
You kidding me?
That's a lemon.
- That's all that's back there.
- In a bar?
- That's all I could find.
You ready to order?
- Why do they have to print this
thing so small, I mean can you...
- I can read it.
- All right, fine, do you have white fish?
- We do.
- Okay.
- And it's excellent.
- Thank you, I'll just...
- We're sold out.
Some other guy got the last one.
- I gotta pee like nobody's business.
I'm gonna see you guys in a minute.
- What other fish do you have?
- Fish and chips.
- I don't, no, what fish do you have?
That's not fish, that's some snack food.
- Hey Jean!
Listen, Kevin and Greg have had
way too much, so you're gonna have
to cut them off, all right?
- Okay.
- Sorry, fish and chips?
- Fine.
(no audio)
- Here.
- Just give me the bill.
- Now?
- Just give me the bill.
- Aren't you gonna eat?
- Just, can I please have the bill?
- You're not gonna eat it?
- May I have the bill?
- No dessert?
- Would you give me the bill please?
- No coffee?
- Give me the, give me the damn bill.
What does that say?
- $19.34.
- Keep the change.
(crowd laughing)
- Hey, aren't you that
little prick from Chicago
who wrote the review about my stuff?
- No, I'm sorry.
- No, wait wait wait!
- Hey hey hey hey!
- From the gallery!
You're the critic guy.
- You got the wrong
guy, now just calm down.
- No, not so fast, buddy.
- You know what?
Fine, I'm the critic.
What do you want?
- That show was supposed
to run for two weeks.
It got pulled after two
days because of you.
- Get over it and good night.
Ahh, there's a large animal right there.
You know what?
You just about killed me, why don't you
watch where you're going?
- Nice work, Mikey!
- Sorry Mister, but you ran into us.
- Yeah, he's got a point you know.
Hey, I'm still a little
bit thirsty, what do you
say you and me go get a drink, huh?
- How about not?
How about I just walk
you right over there.
- What, no no, hey,
- Put you on the curb...
- No, I just...
- Park you like a bike.
- I just saved your life you know,
the least you can do is
buy me a little drink.
- You didn't save my life, and I'm,
all right, you know what?
One drlnk.
- All right, fine.
- One drink, stop hitting me.
- I'm sorry.
- Where do you wanna go?
- Let's go right over, no,
the horse is there.
- There's the large horse.
- This way!
Follow me!
(horse neighs)
To art!
To whoever the hell he is.
(laughing)
- Okay, that was a really old joke,
and this is not Plymouth Gin.
- Listen, listen, listen.
How about you stop with
the criticism starting now.
- And she forgot the lime, what is...
- (stammers).
So tell me, what makes you so
damn qualified anyway, huh?
- Well I'll tell you what, it's like the
old saying goes, I don't know much
about art, but I know what I loathe.
Luckily for me, guys like you
give me plenty of material.
- Howdy ho, Frank.
- What do you mean guys like me?
- Come on, are you shitting me,
that boob sculpture with the motor uterus,
did you see that...
- (laughs) Way to go,
Marshall, you rock man!
Marshall, I would like to
introduce you to MJ Clayton.
This is that dickweed art critic from
Chicago who shut my show down.
- No kidding.
Can I buy you a drink or something?
- I would save your
pennies for an attorney.
- Whoa, looks like we
had a little excitement here.
- Please call the police.
- Yeah, I'm
probably not gonna do that.
- Hey, did your divorce go through yet?
- That's none of your damn business.
(mumbles).
- Excuse me, I have been entrapped
in a booth and punched, I've asked you
to call the police, if you do not
call the police you are an accessory...
Dasha.
- Another round?
- Damn right.
- Another round!
- All right, I need to get
out of here, excuse me.
Excuse me.
- This is good beer.
(laughing)
- No, no, that's...
(laughing)
The other thing, art, art is for
the simple pleasure of viewing it.
Not for analyzing it.
That, stop it, that is where it's
all gone screwy, and you're to blame.
- Okay fellas, last round.
- Oh thank God for you.
- Can I have your name?
Can I have your little nametag?
- No!
Hey you, limes!
- Oh, you got your limes finally.
Oh, just...
- You spilled it.
- Perfect.
(laughing)
- I'll tell you what else
is to blame, you suck.
(laughing)
That's the whole reason
that art has gone screwy.
No, you suck.
You're awful nice though.
- Aw, thanks.
(laughing)
You know what though?
Now if you think it's so easy,
why don't you come up with something
and then we'll be the critics.
- Hey, there's an art festival
coming up right here on the island.
- Oh perfect!
- Oh I don't think so.
- Come on, you big wussy!
- You know what an art festival
on an island's gonna be?
It's gonna be two city blocks full of
bad Van Goghs, like an
inch thick of paint.
No.
- That is some kind of
an opinion right there.
- That's right, you know what,
and he said that he wasn't gonna
be critical anymore tonight.
- Maybe I should
just punch you again.
- Oh that would really scare me.
(laughs)
- Oh, (mumbles) now listen, wait a minute.
The art show's on Friday, right?
That means that gives you a
week to come up with something.
- What was the topic?
- The art, you
were gonna paint something!
- Okay, let me just tell you one thing.
I could take a brush and clench it
in the muscles of my ass cheeks and
do a finer painting than any of the
tit based sculptures that you have
ever done in your life.
- All right, you know what?
500 bucks says you can't do it.
- You're on.
- This oughta be good.
(laughing)
- I can see it now.
Famous Jackass Critic Loses
500 Bucks Drawing Stick Figure.
(laughing)
(loud hammering)
- Excuse me, excuse me!
(groans)
- Morning, neighbor!
- Hi, what are you, ow!
What are you, what are you doing?
- I'm finally getting
around to those old birdhouse.
- It's...
It's dawn.
- Actually it's almost 10:30.
This old place has been in my family
for over 85 years.
Kinda nice, isn't it?
- Could you, ow!
Could you please please
please stop hammering.
- Well sure I guess.
You're the new owner?
- I inherited it.
- Good for you.
Takes a lot of work to keep these
old cottages up you know.
(vomits)
Are you gonna be all right?
- Oh yeah, oh yeah.
- Should I call a doctor?
- No.
(vomits)
(classic blues music)
(knocking)
(remixed acoustic guitar music)
Ahh, gah!
This, do you have a cart that doesn't
have those little spinning things?
- For right now that's
the only cart I have.
- Just come with me and carry my
stuff, would you please,
this is ridiculous
and I have (mumbles).
- 24.60 please.
- How are you?
- Pretty good, how are you doing today?
- I want some coffee.
How old is the coffee?
No, I know where the coffee is.
- It was made this...
- It was made this morning,
at the crack of dawn?
Is this an antique shop or groceries?
Someone needs to put on
a fresh pot of coffee.
- Okay, yup.
- It sits there, the
oils and the sediment,
that's very unhealthy, it's acrid.
- Sure.
- Anyway, I was saying you guys
really spruced this place up.
It's nice.
- Yeah, we did some good
remodeling this year.
It was done pretty quickly too.
This is excellent.
We get this from the mainland,
it came in this morning.
- I know it, I love that stuff.
- This is a lawsuit waiting to happen.
That could just spill on anybody,
it could spill on her right over there.
- I'll take that.
- No, don't touch it, it's gonna get
all over the place and I need that,
I need some aspirin, where's your aspirin?
- Just down the aisle on your right.
- I'm allergic to most aspirin.
- What do we got here?
- This tuna's excellent.
- Healthy.
- It's in water, not oil.
- Healthy.
- How much is this?!
- I like it with chopped pickles.
Here you go, 23.10 is your total today.
- Ooh, I got 20 is all I got, 20.
- That's okay.
Just bring the other three
bucks when you're around.
- Super, thanks
a lot, appreciate it.
- You're welcome.
- Nice to see you.
- Good to see you too.
Do you want your receipt, sir?
- Morning, Clayton!
- Hey Frank.
- Boy, you sure can hold
your booze, can't you?
- Well I can, as it turns out,
but I have a series of other issues
today which make me feel under the
weather, so I think I'm just going
to go home and then I'll see you later.
- Your house is that way.
- I knew that, but what was hoping
to do was pick up some fudge because
even sick, I just feel
like fudge sometimes.
- Yeah.
Hey, did you get the box
of art supplies I left?
- I did.
I don't know what that relates to,
but whatever it is, it
doesn't mean anything to me.
- Oh now wait a minute
now, we had an agreement.
You made it pretty clear last night
that you could create better art than me.
- I said that?
- Yeah, yeah, pretty cocky huh?
- That is pretty cocky,
but I think that we
can safely say that that
was the liquor talking.
- Well it may have been the liquor,
but it was your words.
- Okay, but the thing is I feel
that whatever it was I said, that if I
did say that I'm sorry, I didn't say it.
- Well I would love to let you
get away with that, but I can't.
- And that is because...
- Because the final entries were submitted
this morning and yours was one of them.
Oh by the way, you owe
me 50 bucks for that.
I gave you acrylics in the box,
I hope you like acrylics.
I think it's really romantic medium.
They are thrilled that you're gonna
be a part of this, by the way.
- I hate acrylics.
Here's the thing, I'm on vacation
and I really can't...
Be in your little competition.
- Well it's a little late for that
'cause you are a part of the
Little Island Art Competition.
Oh, by the way, I think they're gonna make
you some kind of a dignitary or something.
Good luck.
(acoustic guitar pop music)
- Something I can help you with?
- We met last night at the bar.
Marshall!
- You hit me.
- Yeah, I wanted to apologize about that.
Are you okay?
- Why don't you get the
hell out of my house?!
- I was hoping you could help me.
- With what?!
- You know Frank's a friend of mine,
and he sorta thinks that I'm part
of the whole art community like he is.
I had a highway striping business,
I spent a little too much time
drinking and lost it.
- Uh huh.
- I never really told him the only
paint I used was yellow.
- That's very funny.
- Now that has to stay our little secret.
- We're not having and
secrets large or small.
What do you want?
- I need somebody to help me and
you're the perfect guy!
- Spit it out, I got a headache.
- I signed up for the art festival.
- And?
- I don't know, it's something I
always really wanted to do.
- Well do it and get out, I don't want
you here, I want to take a nap!
- Frank tells me that you signed up too.
- I did not sign up, he signed me
up, it doesn't count, I have nothing
to do with that festival.
- Your name's on the list.
- What list?
- The list.
It's even on the website.
- You are shitting me.
- No, I just saw it!
- Well I don't care, it doesn't count,
I am not part of that festival.
- But can you help me?
- No.
- Oh come on.
I just need somebody with a fresh
set of eyes to take a look at my
work and help me a little bit.
Here.
- What is that?
- Can't you see?
It's the flower emerging from the ashes.
- It looks like a bunch of bananas
emerging from the ashes.
- That's why I need the help.
- Well I am not an art teacher.
- Could you at least think about it?
Look, I'll come back tomorrow and
I'll leave this right here just
in case you get a minute.
- Why don't you just...
- Yes, you're right,
don't wanna be a pest.
I'll stop by tomorrow, maybe you'll be
feeling better by then.
Thanks a ton.
- Yeah, take that a put it on the porch.
It might be better with dew on it.
(knocking)
(louder knocking)
Excuse me!
Hi, were you knocking just now?
- No, I don't wanna bother you, but...
- No, it's fine, I was just distracted.
- Are you MJ Clayton?
- Yes I am.
- I was hoping I could
have a word with you.
- Of course!
Come on in.
- I'm Lisa.
- Hi, Lisa.
Would you like to have a thing of drink?
- No thanks, I'm not gonna take
up too much of your time.
- Have a seat.
- All right.
I heard you were on the island.
I figured, I assumed it had something
to do with the festival, our festival.
- Oh, that's funny because actually
I'm here vacationing and the whole
art festival is kind of a coincidence.
- Oh.
Well I was wondering if...
If maybe you could help me with
some of my painting, I entered the
art contest and I really just think
if I just had a little bit of advice
then I would do better.
I'm sorry, this is insane.
You have better things to do, I"m sorry...
- Oh no no, oh no no no no no,
let me be the judge of that.
I really would like your
things, your paintings.
- Really?
You're not just saying that?
- No!
One of the greatest joys in my
life is in just nurturing young talent.
- That's great, I just, I left my
painting out by the fence.
(laughing)
I know, but I'm gonna get them.
- All right.
- If you're sure.
- Oh no, I'm not so sure.
- You're totally sure?
- Okay, I'll be very (mumbles).
- Okay, great, thank you.
Are you sure this is okay?
- Absolutely.
Can't wait to see.
- Thank you so much.
- Sure.
- (mumbles) what I wanna show you.
That, that one.
Well?
- You have talent.
What else you got?
- That's just...
This one.
It's of my grandmother.
- This is unbelievable.
- I...
I'm pretty happy with it I think.
- This is incredible, you did this?!
- Yes, I did, it took a long time.
- It should take a long time, this is,
this, I'm speechless!
- I just know that I'm gonna
be up against some really good
stuff and I just, any...
I'm open to suggestions.
Anything that you wanna...
- Okay.
This...
This shading right there?
Maybe that's a little bit strong,
just a little bit because sometimes
the beauty of shadows is that you can,
if there's a little bit of detail,
you can see into it almost like
you can feel the darkness.
Similarly, the skin tones,
maybe they're a little bit, just in there,
a little bit robust 'cause she's frail and
you might wanna portray
that in the skin tones.
I haven't seen anything else that's
gonna be entered in the festival,
but this is fantastic.
- You know, my grandmother,
she passed away
a few months ago, so this
painting is really...
Sorry.
(sobbing)
- It's okay.
Shh...
- I'm gonna go.
- Okay.
- Thank you so much though,
I'm gonna make those changes.
- Well now don't do anything rash.
- No, I'm gonna do those
things that you said.
- Don't just fix them because
I said to fix them
because I was trying to...
- I think it's a really
good idea, I think.
- You're welcome here any time.
- Thank you,
that means a lot to me.
- You know what?
You wanna grab a quick dinner sometime?
- I'll find you.
- Wow.
(phone buzzes)
Okay, okay, okay, okay.
Hello?
Oh come on, we've been
over this a thousand times.
Look, look, look, I
treat them all the same,
it is not my fault that
they're all terrible.
They should know the truth.
Oh is that so?
Are you kidding me, he is in editorial!
Really?
(knocking)
All right all right, don't
do anything hasty, just...
Give me a couple days to sort things out,
I'll call you, okay?
Okay, yeah, bye.
- Is everything okay?
- Oh yeah, it's great.
- I just wanted to let you know
that my schedule freed up for dinner
if the offer is still good.
- Well yeah.
Great, where do you wanna go?
- The Crestridge is good with me.
- Crestridge is great.
- Okay.
- Meet you there around seven?
- Seven it is.
Okay.
(laughs) Bye.
- Bye.
Damn.
(oddball banjo pop music)
(knocking)
(louder knocking)
- Can I help you?
- I'm sorry, is this a bad time?
- No, not particularly.
- Is that for the art show?
- I don't know, maybe.
- I'm Mary Beth.
I'm in charge of the
festival this weekend.
I just heard you were on the island and I
simply had to come by
and introduce myself.
- Well it's a pleasure to meet you.
- I saw your name on the
list of participants.
- Yeah, that's a mistake.
Somebody's playing a dirty joke on me.
- No, don't be modest.
People are excited that an artist
of your caliber is taking the time
to participate in our festival.
- Really?
- Yeah, people come from
all over the Midwest to be a part of it.
We even had someone from
New York show up last year.
It's really fun.
- Want a drink?
- That would be lovely.
- Hey, is beer okay, I
think it's all I got.
- That would be perfect.
Are these yours?
- Yeah.
I think I'm going through
a white period right now.
- Aren't you gonna have a beer with me?
- I'd love to, but I can't.
Kinda overdid it last night.
- So how long you gonna be here?
- I don't know.
Maybe a week or two.
Waiting for a call from the office.
- You know, I've always
wanted to meet you.
- Get outta town.
- I was in Chicago last year and
I saw you around town sometimes.
- Really?
= Yeah, the whole art
thing just turns me on.
- Mmmm.
- Well I think all creativity
comes from the heart.
Don't you?
- Yeah.
I do.
(snuffling)
(clanging)
- Hey there.
- Hey hey hey.
- I thought you might be hungry.
I made us some eggs for
dinner, I hope you don't mind.
- No, not at all.
- Here you go.
So Beth Anne, tell me...
- Mary Beth.
- I'm so sorry.
Okay, Mary Beth, tell
me, where are you from?
- Minneapolis.
Then LA, Kansas City,
followed a friend here.
- I love it here, I think it's great.
So simple and little horse
drawn carriages is great.
- Yeah, I like it too.
(knocking)
- Just ignore it, they've
been bugging me all day.
(louder knocking)
Oh shit!
Excuse me, one second.
Hi.
You know what happened?
This is what happened, I fell asleep
and just now I woke up and that's
why I messed up because I was more
tired than I thought and I don't know what
to say except could I have a rain check?
- It's okay, I probably should've
given you a little bit more time
to get settled, so it's my fault probably.
- Well the last two weeks have been tough.
- Mary Beth?
- She just walked in the back door
and I think it's a country thing,
but here's the thing,
I think she'll be gone
soon and then I'm just gonna (mumbles).
- Yeah, all right.
- I think it had something
to do with the art festival.
- I'm gonna talk to
you later, Mr. Clayton.
- Please don't take it that way,
don't take it like that,
come here, come here.
I wanna make it up to you.
I wanna talk to you about your painting.
- My painting?
- Yeah.
So how about this, is there any way
we could meet for breakfast and
I promise I won't be late?
- All right, well I go running
at seven, so how about 8:30?
- Great, 8:30 it is, I will be there.
Now just tell me where.
- Friends of my parents have
a hotel, we can meet there.
- Great, what hotel is it?
- The Grand.
- The Grand Hotel?
- The Grand, meet me on the porch.
- Okay, I will be there.
- Don't be late.
- I'll be there.
Night.
- I've seen her around.
Who is she?
- A friend.
- You're getting to be a pretty
popular person up here.
(electric guitar blues music)
- Hello.
- Hey.
- You made it.
- Yeah.
- So?
- Wow.
- It's nice, isn't it?
- I'm so happy to see you, I guess I
thought you would teach me a lesson.
- Oh no, I'm not like that.
- This place is beautiful.
- I know, yes, it is so beautiful.
I spent a lot of summers here growing up.
- Lucky girl.
- So I got us a table
inside if you wanna come on.
- Man.
(horse clomping)
- Over here.
(laughing)
- Ah, let me.
- Thank you.
- First of all, I want to apologize
for standing you up last night.
- Hey, you...
You're a busy man.
- There's one thing I'd love to...
- Good morning, Lisa.
- Johnny, hi, how are you.
This is Mr. Clayton.
Mr. Clayton, Johnny.
- How do you do?
- Can I start you off
with some fresh squeeze orange juice?
- That would be perfect, and I'd actually,
just order now if we can?
- Sure.
- Two eggs scrambled with green peppers
and onions mixed in and
a couple slices of bacon,
rye toast, hold the
butter, and a cut of fruit.
- I'll just have black coffee.
- I'll be right back.
- Thank you.
- Breakfast is the most important
meal of the day, I will have you know.
- That's what I've been told.
Have you been working on your painting?
- Some, some.
- Well I have been unable to think
about anything besides that painting.
I would like to buy it.
- Buy it?
It's not for sale.
- Oh.
Well here's the thing.
This is kind of awkward.
Somebody entered me in the art festival
as a joke, mean joke, and I didn't
know to bring any of my own work.
I'm not gonna be able to come up
with anything from
scratch by this weekend,
and I'm afraid that if I
withdraw, it's gonna look
like I'm disrespecting the other...
- Right, so you want to
enter my painting as yours.
- Pretty much.
Has anyone else seen it yet?
- Not really, but it doesn't seem right.
I've been working on
that painting all summer.
- Well the painting that keeps the...
- Thank you.
- It doesn't diminish the painting at all.
- You know what, I'm really surprised
that you would ask me to do that.
- Why?
- It's unethical in every way.
- Okay, I was just thinking in terms of...
- What?
- I need your help as a friend.
I don't have anything for the festival
and if you could just help me.
I mean that painting looks like
the kind of thing that I could've done.
- I beg your pardon?
- Oh God, that is not what I wanted,
that did not come out right.
- Wow.
- No no no no no, okay look, look at me.
Look at me, please, I'm begging you.
It's so incredible that it looks like...
All right, forget everything,
forget about the painting for a second.
Knife me.
Please, and then I am going to
do some damage to myself if you
don't promise me that you will
erase that whole conversation.
Just please, it's, it's all wrong.
I did not say any of that.
Good morning.
- We can drop this.
- I'm not even gonna
have breakfast because I got
my foot so far down my throat.
- We're gonna drop this completely.
- Is that okay?
- Yes, that's, that will be great.
- You should wear yellow,
it's an unbelievable color for you.
- Thank you.
(twangy acoustic guitar music)
♫ Ain't caught nothing
♫ Fishing here all day
♫ I got my bible breaker (mumbles)
♫ Must be nothing in the bay
♫ I've been told I got (mumbles)
♫ I'm easy with the lines
♫ Oh yeah
♫ I try to be quiet and patient
♫ Least half the time
- Afternoon, Mr. Clayton.
So how's the vacation going?
Marshall.
Road stripe guy.
Friend of Frank's.
The guy that punched you.
- No, can't place ya.
♫ Then show me who's a man
♫ Baby it's all right to search my mind
♫ To find the man I'm holding on tonight
♫ Don't you hide, don't be shy
♫ Let that energy rise
♫ Let that energy rise
♫ Me and you
- I don't wanna be a pest or anything,
but have you given any thought
to helping me with my painting?
- Oh I sure have.
- That's great!
Well?
- I'm not gonna help you.
- Come on!
This is important!
- You don't deserve any help,
you're a road stripe painter.
If I'm gonna help anyone
it'll be a real artist,
not somebody who wants
to get into a clique.
- Hey guys.
What's going on?
- Nothing, would you like
to get a beer or something?
- That would be great.
♫ I ain't calling again
♫ I ain't calling again
♫ No I ain't calling again
♫ Oh no I ain't calling again
♫ I ain't calling again ♫
(applause)
- Come in.
Hey, what's up?
- How's it going?
- It's good, I'm trying to stay inspired.
- Yeah?
You got anything new for the show?
I saw you were signed up.
- Yeah, I have a couple of things
I've been thinking about entering.
- Can I see them?
- No.
They're not done yet.
- All right, fair enough.
- How about you?
- Oh yeah, I got a pastel.
So have you run into Clayton yet?
- Actually I have.
- That son of a bitch wrote a review
about my show in Chicago
and it closed down.
- That's terrible.
Wow.
- Actually that's why I'm here.
I figured I'd get some air.
- You know Clayton has a cottage here.
- I know that now, yeah.
Of all the places to run into him.
- So you've seen him.
- Oh yeah.
- You know he entered the festival?
- I know, I signed him up.
Figured it was payback time.
That piece of shit is no artist.
- I was wondering why he would enter.
How'd that happen?
- Well...
I ran into him the other
night and we started drinking.
I called him a no good parasite
bastard, something to that effect.
Then he puffed up his feathers
and challenged me and said that
he could make better art than me.
I mean even drunk, I knew that
this would be a fun thing to watch.
- Wow.
I don't know, he seems nice.
I mean kinda.
- I have no use for him.
- He gave me some pointers.
- You let him see your work?
- Yeah.
He's the real deal.
Is that a problem?
- I guess there are probably some
good critics out there, but the rotten
ones outnumber them and this guy
is worse than rotten, I'd just,
I'd stay away from him.
- I think we all should stick together
for this festival.
- Well that's what I say too,
but not with that guy.
- Hey, some folks stopped by to see you!
I told them you were around somewhere!
I think he said you work for them!
- Was his name Wilkinson?
- That sounds about right.
Seems like this art show has drawn
some pretty important people.
(phone buzzes)
- Hello?
(laughs) Hi, I heard you stopped by.
What are you doing on the island?
You really came all the way up for that?
(laughs) Very funny.
Oh of course I've got something.
It's even easier than I remembered,
it's like riding a bike.
No, not now, dinner maybe?
Fine, I'll meet you there.
(knocking)
- Who is it?!
- Me, Clayton.
- Come in!
Thank you.
Wow, that was nice.
- What is going on over here?
- Hey, no no no no no, no no no no no no!
- What?
- That's my stuff.
I actually was, I did some of the
suggestions that you
had, so it looks good.
- Well don't change it too much
'cause if you ever do decide to sell it...
- It's not for sale.
- Okay.
- All right.
- Sorry.
Wanna get a beer?
- No, thanks, I'm actually
gonna keep working.
- You okay?
- Yeah.
- You sure?
- What are you doing?
- I'm just trying to, you know,
just saying, you seem a little tense.
- Please leave.
- You sure you want me to go?
- Yes I do, you need to get out of here!
- Shit.
Criminy, you send a lot of mixed messages.
- No, go!
- I'll give you $1,000 for it.
- Goodbye, Mr. Clayton.
- 2,000.
- No, 10, 10, 10 and it's yours.
- 4,000.
- No, 10 today in cash
or I will change my mind.
- Let me see it.
- No.
- It's quarter to five,
the bank's gonna close...
- You better hurry.
- That's what I get for being friendly.
- You need to go.
(oddball banjo and synthesizer music)
- Hi there!
- Hi.
- Hi.
How about coming over to my
place for some dinner tonight?
- I can't do it tonight, I
can't do it today, sorry.
- You can name the time.
- I forgot to give you
the rules to the art show.
I gotta you the...
- Fine, fine, guys, guys, I gotta be
somewhere in five
minutes, I cannot be late!
Excuse me.
Hi, I need to get some money out please.
Make this real quick.
- Do you have your account number?
- No I don't.
I'll tell you what, let's just get
an advance on that.
- I'm sure I can help.
- Can you just toss that for me?
- Of course.
MJ Clayton?
- Yeah.
- How much do you need?
- $10,000.
- I'm going to have to make a call.
- Knock yourself out, Wendy.
- Do you have your pin number?
- No.
- Can I see some ID?
- Hey, you're that art guy.
- Now how in the world
would you know that?
- That just arrived this morning.
You must be pretty into it to have
your picture on the poster.
Mr. Clayton?
This is pretty unusual to
withdraw this kind of cash.
- I know, and that's
your business cause...
- 100, 200, 300, 400, 500, 600, 700, 800...
- You know what, that thing I gave you,
I'm sorry, I need that
back, that's the rules.
- Of course.
- Thank you.
- 100, 200, 300, 400, 500,
600, 700, 800, 900, 1,000...
- And look how perfect, see, nine more.
All right, thank you very much.
- Hey, good luck with the contest!
- Thank you!
(country rock music)
- So you're a
pretty big fish up here.
I saw your face on the
poster for the art festival.
- Oh that's, I had
nothing to do with that,
these people, they're so pushy.
- So you really do have something ready.
- Well I'm ready.
- Can't wait to see it.
- Can I get you anything?
- Yeah, I'm good with water.
And a gin.
- Water.
You know I just didn't come up
here to check out this arts festival.
- No?
- Look, for the past couple of years
your reviews have been
getting way too harsh.
I warned you a hundred times about this.
Especially that last batch,
I couldn't even run them.
- Look, Jim, I've worked for you 12 years,
people love the column, and I need
my job, I need the money.
- I could have just sent you a note,
but I wanted to tell you in person.
You'll be fine.
- I'll be okay?
I'm up to my eyebrows
in payments on stuff.
I'll lighten up on the reviews.
- It's too late.
I was told by the board to let you go.
But hey, it sounds like this
painting makes you happy.
Maybe you should stick with that.
This could be the
beginning of a new career.
- Wait a second, did you say that
that last batch of
reviews didn't even run?
- Not a one.
- The ones on Frank Denham's sculptures?
- Never saw daylight.
I hired this writer who's been bugging me.
He jumped right in.
Pretty damn good too.
He's got heart.
Thanks.
Are you okay?
- Hey, what's the matter?
Clayton.
- I'm a freelancer again.
- You're not with The Sky Beacon anymore?
- I guess I was a little
bit blunt sometimes.
- Yeah, people did sorta hate you.
- I gotta get out of here.
- No no no, you can't leave now.
Everyone's expecting to see your work.
The show starts at five.
- I got one piece.
- That's all most of the featured
artists have, don't worry about it.
- Hey.
- Hi Lisa, you all set?
- Yeah, yeah I think so.
- Okay.
- You okay?
- He's one of us now.
He can even compete for the prize.
He got fired.
- No kidding?
- Did you just say prize?
- Of course there's a prize.
This one's a good one.
10,000 bucks.
Second place is five, third is two.
- Maybe I'll just stick around after all.
- May the best work win.
- She's a pretty good artist.
- Yeah.
- Her stuff always wins.
- Yeah, we'll see.
(ominous hip hop music)
- I was afraid you wouldn't show.
This is amazing.
No, no really, this is really good.
- Thank you.
- Your work is so...
Sensitive and beautiful.
Kinda an unfair advantage.
You being so gifted and all.
Oh, you made it through fast.
- Well nothing has
really jumped out so far.
- We still have to go through and
see the other side.
- I'd like you to meet MJ Clayton.
These are our judges, Tom
and Susie Klienschmidt.
- Hi, how do you do.
- They have a gallery in New York
and have quite a reputation
for recognizing talent.
- You're so kind.
- Now this, this is
what I'm talking about.
Susie, look at this.
- Is this yours?
- Yeah.
- This has the passion and the brilliance.
Wow.
Honey?
- What number is this?
Does this have a number?
- No no, it was a late entry.
Just write down Clayton.
He only has the one.
- Clayton.
- Well I can tell you that this
is one of the top entries so far.
- Congratulations, MJ.
- MJ Clayton, that sounds familiar
to me, do I know you?
Do I, huh?
- Wait a minute, you're that art critic.
From Chicago, right?
- Well he was.
He's a full time artist now.
- Finally got fired?
- Well it was a long story.
- This is a much better gig for you.
You were a bad critic.
People hated you.
But this, this is amazing.
You've got a future if you keep this up.
- What do you call it?
The painting?
Your painting has a name maybe?
- It's got an interesting story.
Now one...
- Grandma's Eyes.
I mean that's what I would call
it if it didn't have a name yet.
- Yeah.
- Oh, Lisa.
- Yes.
- I'd like you to meet our judges,
Tom and Susie Klienschmidt.
- So nice to meet you, it's a pleasure.
- Likewise.
- I've heard a lot about you guys.
- Thank you.
- Are you enjoying the island?
- Oh it's been wonderful.
Are you one of the artists?
- I am.
I am, and my painting's actually
just down there at the end.
- We'll be down there in a minute.
- Perfect.
- This is amazing.
- You think?
- Oh yes.
- This one is truly
inspired, you can tell.
- Yeah you can.
- We should get going.
We're supposed to finish the judging
by eight and that's about a half hour.
- We'll see you all later.
- See you later.
- Clayton sure is amazing, isn't he?
- It's funny to be under so much,
I'm not used to being under all the...
- So what...
- That one back there,
Grandma's Eyes was it?
- Yeah?
- That one is in a league of its own here.
- I know, and everything else is
pretty good, but that's got something,
I don't know, special.
- It's breathtaking.
- Okay, so let's keep going and
see what else is out there,
but I already know what
I'm gonna vote for.
Okay?
- Look, I'm sorry you lost you job, but...
But maybe it's just what you needed.
Now you have plenty of time
to devote to your work.
I mean this is a major contribution.
The judges were sure impressed.
- Yeah, yeah they were.
- So are you gonna stick around
now that you got some time on your hands?
- No I'm not.
I cannot afford to
"stick around" I have to
get to Chicago and get my name out there.
- I still like that.
I like it a lot.
- It's quite impressive.
- But, but but but but.
- Well it looks like we have a winner.
- Hands down.
- You've seen this one over here right?
- No, thank you.
- Perhaps not.
- Excuse me.
Oh my God.
Honey.
- Now we've got a contest.
- Do you know?
- Who did this?
Lisa Williston?
- It's number 68, it's titled Margaret.
- Margaret.
- Margaret.
- She is so talented.
- Gifted.
- Well it's almost eight
o'clock, are you ready?
- Will you give me a minute?
- Sure.
I'll meet you over there.
- Thank you all for inviting us
to be a part of your Island Art Festival.
As you can see we had the chance
to view some amazing work.
You should all be very happy with
the quality of the show.
Give yourself a hand.
(applause)
- Our job is to pick the top three
pieces of art based on our personal
and professional opinions.
First, we want to thank everyone
who submitted their work and especially
Mary Beth and her committee for
organizing this wonderful event.
(applause)
- Okay, let's get right to it, shall we?
Susie.
- All right, here we go, and I'd ask
you to please hold your applause
until after I announce the title
of the painting, thank you.
The third place Island Festival Award,
$2,000 in cash goes to Kathleen Myers
for her entry Setting Suns.
- Oh thank you.
(applause)
- All right, Kathleen!
- Okay, so are you ready to announce
what we have for second place?
- This was a tough one,
but there were a couple
of entries that stood out above the rest.
- That's right.
This level of art can only be created
when all of the elements line up and
then it takes on a life of its own.
- The winner of
the second place award,
$5,000 in cash, goes to...
Frank Denham for Seduction.
(applause)
- Thank you so much.
- Bravo.
- Thank you so much, I appreciate it.
- Congratulations.
- Thank you.
- And the first place grand
prize of $10,000 for the
12th annual Island Art
Festival, goes to...
- A beautiful acrylic titled...
Margaret, Lisa Williston!
(applause)
- Thank you so much.
- Such a beautiful piece of work.
- Thank you.
- Congratulations.
- Thank you so much.
Thank you.
- Leaving us so soon?
- Yeah.
- Hey what happened last
night, you were a shoo-in.
- I pulled it.
You know I didn't really
paint that picture.
- Of course I knew.
- No you didn't.
- Yes I did.
- No you didn't!
- Yeah.
- Okay, if that's so, then why didn't
you blow the whistle on me?
- Are you kidding me?
I wanted you to win and then get your ass
disqualified when the truth came out.
That alone would've been
worth the price of admission.
- Wow.
- Hey, you screwed me
over pretty good you know.
Now listen, what does
the MJ stand for anyway?
- Nothing.
I just like the sound of it.
- Come on, what is it?
- Milton Jazz.
- Milton Jazz?
- My parents liked the poet and music,
so they named me Milton Jazz,
you have no idea how close I came
to being called Shelley Scat.
- Yeah, well that explains quite a bit.
Hey.
- Hi guys.
Hey there, honey.
- Well where are you kids off too, huh?
- Well I got a tip that a gallery
in New York is looking for a buyer,
so Mary Beth and I are gonna check it out.
I don't know, maybe I can sell that.
- I'm sure you can.
Oh hey.
- Hey.
- You all ready?
- Yup.
- (mumbles).
- Okay, see yeah.
- You know what, I'm gonna
be watching your work.
- Wonderful.
- So I got something fun to tell you.
You know that review you
thought killed your show?
- Yeah?
- I didn't write it.
- What are you talking
about, of course you did.
- No I did not.
None of the reviews I wrote
that week got printed.
Some other guy wrote them.
- You're kidding me.
- No, although from the sound of it
I could have written it, but I didn't.
- Jeez.
Maybe my stuff really does suck.
- You won second place.
That doesn't mean your stuff doesn't suck,
but it's, listen, don't pay
attention to damn critics.
- Hey!
Hey, you forgot the.
(remixed acoustic guitar music)
(country rock music)
(laughing)
- Cut please.
- Okay.
Yes, you know what, you know how
upset I am, I'm not even
looking at the road.
(laughing)
- That show was supposed to run, it...
(laughing)
In two weeks.
The Famous Jackass Art Critic Loses
500 Bucks Making Stick Figure...
- You smell of cloves.
(laughing)
- No he doesn't, that's me.
- Hey, I just thought of something.
No seriously!
- This is good beer.
- Are you on the package
for Brawny paper towels?
You're not, you're not rolling.
- No, I'm not rolling, no.
- You are you liar.
(laughing)
- To art!
Whoever the hell he is.
(laughing)
- I heard you were on the islands.
(laughing)
I had (mumbles).
- Was it good, bro?
(laughing)
(laughing)
- Okay, that's funny.
- My. Clayton.
(laughing)
You have to leave!
- Oh!
(laughing)
- I thought this would be silly!
(laughs) That's good!
(laughing)
(loud bang)
- Oh!
- (laughs) See, now you have a hole,
like perfect hole through you.
- And that's the point
of view, when I stand up it's
just your (mumbles).
(applause)
- Chris Koury,
ladies and gentlemen.
- It's cause you're acting drunk though.
- I'm not acting anymore, right John?
- We are drunk.
It's become reality.
(typing noises)
- Okay, is, what Andy?
This is MJ Clayton.
The car is not an MJ it is an MG.
Super rare.
I do not want to be driving a 50th
anniversary MG in cartreuse with
a large foot-shaped dent in the door.
I don't know that it was someone's foot,
it could've been...
Can I, can I, can I speak to
someone who's a good listener?
(typing sound)
- Do you like it?
- Is it yours?
- Yes it is.
You're MJ Clayton, aren't you,
from The Sky Beacon!
- That's right, that's right, good good.
- Yeah, I have heard about you.
Hey, Chicago.
Well?
- Well what?
- Look, I...
Man, I really really appreciate
you taking the time to look at my work.
I just, I moved here from St. Louis.
- That's great.
- Yeah, this show...
Means a lot to me.
I've put my whole life into this.
- Wow.
- Yeah, I was invited to be here.
- By?
- Mrs. Tonington.
I mean it was a (chuckles) big honor.
- The Tonington Gallery
has stooped to a new dismal low.
Another tiresome display
with dispassionate,
futile canvas, and all the trite and
misdirected "artists"
as they call themselves
realize perhaps that their efforts
might be better spent painting mailboxes.
(clears throat)
What?
- Here's your espresso.
- No no, not on the desk!
- Where would you like me
to put it, Mr. Clayton?
- What did you just say?
- Where would you like me to put this?
- Who are you?
- I'm a temp, Miss Wyman's
taking some time off.
- Oh.
You're a lot easier on the eyes.
So what are you, a student?
- I'm an art student at Whittingdale.
- How about that.
I never met one of those before.
- I'm sorry, but you ordered this, right?
- Just take that off and
put that right there.
Could you, I'm sorry, could you...
- Oh, sure.
Here you go, sir.
Let me know if you need anything else.
- What?
- If you need anything?
- Oh, okay.
- let me know.
- Thank you very much.
Bye bye.
- Bye bye.
- Clayton!
- Jim!
Hi.
- We've been getting another batch
of complaints about your reviews.
- Well good, that means people
are reading your paper.
- People always read the paper...
- Tell you what, tell
you what, tell you what.
I'm gonna go on vacation.
After I get back from vacation,
I will give it some thought and
in the meantime, I have got to
get to another artist opening.
Please, can I just?
- Remember what I said.
- I will, I've got it right in here.
(elevator music)
- How's it going, MJ?
- Yeah, fine.
Gotta get the hell out of here.
- You're not quitting on us are you?
- No, I'm going on vacation.
- Well we're sure gonna miss you.
Who's gonna write your column?
- (mumbles).
- Heading up North?
- That's enough.
- I call it Hummingbird.
- How, how did we get to Hummingbird?
- The dynamics between the shadows
and the highlights, like right here,
speak of summer and freedom.
Hummingbird just made sense.
- I see.
Well thank you for sharing that.
- You know, I don't do this for the money.
- Really?
- No, I do it because...
- Let me guess, let me, may I?
- Yeah.
- You do this because you have
an inner spirit that speaks to
you and drives you to create.
And your parents paid for you to
go to art school someplace and then the
world discovered your unbelievable gift.
- Go on.
- I think it's clear that you obviously
operate off a trust fund of some sort
and I don't think that
your wife likes sex,
so you just kind of
create things like this,
and you don't have kids so you
probably have a pet of some kind.
- Wow.
- You don't know who I am, do you?
- No.
And I don't think I really want to.
- Not from around here?
- Now that part you got right.
As for the rest, my girlfriend is
very healthy, if you know what I mean.
My last sculpture sold for 7,500 bucks.
I don't have any pets, but I do
have a degree in Computer Science
from the University of Michigan.
- Super.
- So what, you like to visit the
galleries and kick the artists for fun?
- No, I get paid for it.
Anyway, see ya.
- So what'd he say?
- Should I know this guy?
He acted like I should.
- Maybe.
You know, he's the critic
for The Sky Beacon.
- Oh shit.
- What happened?
- Well I might have
been a little bit rude.
- Good!
The little bastard had it coming.
The rest of us are too
chicken to ever say anything.
We always try to avoid him.
- So I take it he was
here covering the show?
- Yup, sure was.
- I am so screwed.
Hey, I'm Frank.
- Brian.
It's good to meet you.
Haven't seen you around here before.
- No, I'm just visiting,
I'm from Michigan.
Muskegon actually.
- Well I hope you sell something.
- Thanks, me too.
So when does his review come out?
- Saturday's paper usually.
- Tomorrow.
- Yup.
- Wow.
Well I hope I have some
sales before everyone
finds out what lousy stuff this is.
(laughing)
Good meeting you.
- You too.
- To fully describe the state
of affairs at the Bremeiter Gallery,
one must first erase any expectation
of skill or emotional acuity.
At the bottom of this quagmire
like dead Guppies lay clunky inert
works by newcomer Frank Denham.
(mutters) clunky.
(country rock music)
(car revs)
♫ Sun coming up now
♫ Early break of dawn
♫ (mumbles) got his handcuffs
♫ Jail bus is gone
♫ He lived his life by the Alabama key
♫ His spent his last night in the city
♫ Who (mumbles) wagons
was his game for sure
♫ A break in hot wire, he's gunning for
♫ Top dollar for two
doors and six figure rides
♫ He spent his last night in the city
♫ As a younger man, that's when he learned
♫ His daddy taught the tricks of the trade
♫ Don't get greedy or you'll get burned
♫ He got a taste for money, it hooked him
♫ For life, for life, for life
♫ You in trouble now, boy
(synthesizer solo)
(piano solo)
(electric guitar solo)
♫ As a younger man, that's when he learned
♫ His daddy taught the tricks of the trade
♫ Don't get greedy or you'll get burned
♫ He never saw it coming
and they booked him
♫ For life, for life, for life
♫ Banking it high or banking it low
♫ Do the simple math,
boy, add up the dough
♫ Be careful what you wish
for if you wanna live free
♫ Don't live your life by the Alabama key
♫ Don't live your life by the Alabama key
♫ Don't live your life by the Alabama key
♫ Don't live your life
by the Alabama key ♫
(humming)
- Did you begin this in prison?
It's very effective.
- Can I help you?
- Yes, I would like to get on the
very next ferry to the island.
- No problem.
- And I just want a one way.
- Just a one way?
- That's right, just a one way.
- You know it's cheaper if you
buy them both at the same time.
- Uh huh, thank you very much for
that information, I would just like
the one way ticket, I'll
buy the return later.
- But if you buy the round trip,
we give you a ticket...
- Lady, can I just have the damn ticket
and then we can get on with this?
- Okay then.
12 dollars.
- That could hurt someone.
- Jackass.
(remixed banjo music)
- Hey, hey!
Sit down and stop it!
(loud clang)
(horse clomping)
(country jazz music)
- Hi, can I please have a...
- I'll be right back.
- Hi, can I have a gin and tonic please?
- Coming right up.
- And a glass of water?
- Sure.
Here you go.
- Great, I'm sorry, I forgot
to ask, I need a lime.
- Give me a minute.
Here you go.
- Okay.
Oh, I need a lime.
- Shit, I forgot.
You ready to order?
- I really need the lime.
- I'll be right back.
- And like bam, right in the shoulder.
Spun me around, and then I ended
up in the grass, I don't even know
how I ended up in the grass,
but the bike was over there.
- Here you go, sir.
- Are you kidding?
You kidding me?
That's a lemon.
- That's all that's back there.
- In a bar?
- That's all I could find.
You ready to order?
- Why do they have to print this
thing so small, I mean can you...
- I can read it.
- All right, fine, do you have white fish?
- We do.
- Okay.
- And it's excellent.
- Thank you, I'll just...
- We're sold out.
Some other guy got the last one.
- I gotta pee like nobody's business.
I'm gonna see you guys in a minute.
- What other fish do you have?
- Fish and chips.
- I don't, no, what fish do you have?
That's not fish, that's some snack food.
- Hey Jean!
Listen, Kevin and Greg have had
way too much, so you're gonna have
to cut them off, all right?
- Okay.
- Sorry, fish and chips?
- Fine.
(no audio)
- Here.
- Just give me the bill.
- Now?
- Just give me the bill.
- Aren't you gonna eat?
- Just, can I please have the bill?
- You're not gonna eat it?
- May I have the bill?
- No dessert?
- Would you give me the bill please?
- No coffee?
- Give me the, give me the damn bill.
What does that say?
- $19.34.
- Keep the change.
(crowd laughing)
- Hey, aren't you that
little prick from Chicago
who wrote the review about my stuff?
- No, I'm sorry.
- No, wait wait wait!
- Hey hey hey hey!
- From the gallery!
You're the critic guy.
- You got the wrong
guy, now just calm down.
- No, not so fast, buddy.
- You know what?
Fine, I'm the critic.
What do you want?
- That show was supposed
to run for two weeks.
It got pulled after two
days because of you.
- Get over it and good night.
Ahh, there's a large animal right there.
You know what?
You just about killed me, why don't you
watch where you're going?
- Nice work, Mikey!
- Sorry Mister, but you ran into us.
- Yeah, he's got a point you know.
Hey, I'm still a little
bit thirsty, what do you
say you and me go get a drink, huh?
- How about not?
How about I just walk
you right over there.
- What, no no, hey,
- Put you on the curb...
- No, I just...
- Park you like a bike.
- I just saved your life you know,
the least you can do is
buy me a little drink.
- You didn't save my life, and I'm,
all right, you know what?
One drlnk.
- All right, fine.
- One drink, stop hitting me.
- I'm sorry.
- Where do you wanna go?
- Let's go right over, no,
the horse is there.
- There's the large horse.
- This way!
Follow me!
(horse neighs)
To art!
To whoever the hell he is.
(laughing)
- Okay, that was a really old joke,
and this is not Plymouth Gin.
- Listen, listen, listen.
How about you stop with
the criticism starting now.
- And she forgot the lime, what is...
- (stammers).
So tell me, what makes you so
damn qualified anyway, huh?
- Well I'll tell you what, it's like the
old saying goes, I don't know much
about art, but I know what I loathe.
Luckily for me, guys like you
give me plenty of material.
- Howdy ho, Frank.
- What do you mean guys like me?
- Come on, are you shitting me,
that boob sculpture with the motor uterus,
did you see that...
- (laughs) Way to go,
Marshall, you rock man!
Marshall, I would like to
introduce you to MJ Clayton.
This is that dickweed art critic from
Chicago who shut my show down.
- No kidding.
Can I buy you a drink or something?
- I would save your
pennies for an attorney.
- Whoa, looks like we
had a little excitement here.
- Please call the police.
- Yeah, I'm
probably not gonna do that.
- Hey, did your divorce go through yet?
- That's none of your damn business.
(mumbles).
- Excuse me, I have been entrapped
in a booth and punched, I've asked you
to call the police, if you do not
call the police you are an accessory...
Dasha.
- Another round?
- Damn right.
- Another round!
- All right, I need to get
out of here, excuse me.
Excuse me.
- This is good beer.
(laughing)
- No, no, that's...
(laughing)
The other thing, art, art is for
the simple pleasure of viewing it.
Not for analyzing it.
That, stop it, that is where it's
all gone screwy, and you're to blame.
- Okay fellas, last round.
- Oh thank God for you.
- Can I have your name?
Can I have your little nametag?
- No!
Hey you, limes!
- Oh, you got your limes finally.
Oh, just...
- You spilled it.
- Perfect.
(laughing)
- I'll tell you what else
is to blame, you suck.
(laughing)
That's the whole reason
that art has gone screwy.
No, you suck.
You're awful nice though.
- Aw, thanks.
(laughing)
You know what though?
Now if you think it's so easy,
why don't you come up with something
and then we'll be the critics.
- Hey, there's an art festival
coming up right here on the island.
- Oh perfect!
- Oh I don't think so.
- Come on, you big wussy!
- You know what an art festival
on an island's gonna be?
It's gonna be two city blocks full of
bad Van Goghs, like an
inch thick of paint.
No.
- That is some kind of
an opinion right there.
- That's right, you know what,
and he said that he wasn't gonna
be critical anymore tonight.
- Maybe I should
just punch you again.
- Oh that would really scare me.
(laughs)
- Oh, (mumbles) now listen, wait a minute.
The art show's on Friday, right?
That means that gives you a
week to come up with something.
- What was the topic?
- The art, you
were gonna paint something!
- Okay, let me just tell you one thing.
I could take a brush and clench it
in the muscles of my ass cheeks and
do a finer painting than any of the
tit based sculptures that you have
ever done in your life.
- All right, you know what?
500 bucks says you can't do it.
- You're on.
- This oughta be good.
(laughing)
- I can see it now.
Famous Jackass Critic Loses
500 Bucks Drawing Stick Figure.
(laughing)
(loud hammering)
- Excuse me, excuse me!
(groans)
- Morning, neighbor!
- Hi, what are you, ow!
What are you, what are you doing?
- I'm finally getting
around to those old birdhouse.
- It's...
It's dawn.
- Actually it's almost 10:30.
This old place has been in my family
for over 85 years.
Kinda nice, isn't it?
- Could you, ow!
Could you please please
please stop hammering.
- Well sure I guess.
You're the new owner?
- I inherited it.
- Good for you.
Takes a lot of work to keep these
old cottages up you know.
(vomits)
Are you gonna be all right?
- Oh yeah, oh yeah.
- Should I call a doctor?
- No.
(vomits)
(classic blues music)
(knocking)
(remixed acoustic guitar music)
Ahh, gah!
This, do you have a cart that doesn't
have those little spinning things?
- For right now that's
the only cart I have.
- Just come with me and carry my
stuff, would you please,
this is ridiculous
and I have (mumbles).
- 24.60 please.
- How are you?
- Pretty good, how are you doing today?
- I want some coffee.
How old is the coffee?
No, I know where the coffee is.
- It was made this...
- It was made this morning,
at the crack of dawn?
Is this an antique shop or groceries?
Someone needs to put on
a fresh pot of coffee.
- Okay, yup.
- It sits there, the
oils and the sediment,
that's very unhealthy, it's acrid.
- Sure.
- Anyway, I was saying you guys
really spruced this place up.
It's nice.
- Yeah, we did some good
remodeling this year.
It was done pretty quickly too.
This is excellent.
We get this from the mainland,
it came in this morning.
- I know it, I love that stuff.
- This is a lawsuit waiting to happen.
That could just spill on anybody,
it could spill on her right over there.
- I'll take that.
- No, don't touch it, it's gonna get
all over the place and I need that,
I need some aspirin, where's your aspirin?
- Just down the aisle on your right.
- I'm allergic to most aspirin.
- What do we got here?
- This tuna's excellent.
- Healthy.
- It's in water, not oil.
- Healthy.
- How much is this?!
- I like it with chopped pickles.
Here you go, 23.10 is your total today.
- Ooh, I got 20 is all I got, 20.
- That's okay.
Just bring the other three
bucks when you're around.
- Super, thanks
a lot, appreciate it.
- You're welcome.
- Nice to see you.
- Good to see you too.
Do you want your receipt, sir?
- Morning, Clayton!
- Hey Frank.
- Boy, you sure can hold
your booze, can't you?
- Well I can, as it turns out,
but I have a series of other issues
today which make me feel under the
weather, so I think I'm just going
to go home and then I'll see you later.
- Your house is that way.
- I knew that, but what was hoping
to do was pick up some fudge because
even sick, I just feel
like fudge sometimes.
- Yeah.
Hey, did you get the box
of art supplies I left?
- I did.
I don't know what that relates to,
but whatever it is, it
doesn't mean anything to me.
- Oh now wait a minute
now, we had an agreement.
You made it pretty clear last night
that you could create better art than me.
- I said that?
- Yeah, yeah, pretty cocky huh?
- That is pretty cocky,
but I think that we
can safely say that that
was the liquor talking.
- Well it may have been the liquor,
but it was your words.
- Okay, but the thing is I feel
that whatever it was I said, that if I
did say that I'm sorry, I didn't say it.
- Well I would love to let you
get away with that, but I can't.
- And that is because...
- Because the final entries were submitted
this morning and yours was one of them.
Oh by the way, you owe
me 50 bucks for that.
I gave you acrylics in the box,
I hope you like acrylics.
I think it's really romantic medium.
They are thrilled that you're gonna
be a part of this, by the way.
- I hate acrylics.
Here's the thing, I'm on vacation
and I really can't...
Be in your little competition.
- Well it's a little late for that
'cause you are a part of the
Little Island Art Competition.
Oh, by the way, I think they're gonna make
you some kind of a dignitary or something.
Good luck.
(acoustic guitar pop music)
- Something I can help you with?
- We met last night at the bar.
Marshall!
- You hit me.
- Yeah, I wanted to apologize about that.
Are you okay?
- Why don't you get the
hell out of my house?!
- I was hoping you could help me.
- With what?!
- You know Frank's a friend of mine,
and he sorta thinks that I'm part
of the whole art community like he is.
I had a highway striping business,
I spent a little too much time
drinking and lost it.
- Uh huh.
- I never really told him the only
paint I used was yellow.
- That's very funny.
- Now that has to stay our little secret.
- We're not having and
secrets large or small.
What do you want?
- I need somebody to help me and
you're the perfect guy!
- Spit it out, I got a headache.
- I signed up for the art festival.
- And?
- I don't know, it's something I
always really wanted to do.
- Well do it and get out, I don't want
you here, I want to take a nap!
- Frank tells me that you signed up too.
- I did not sign up, he signed me
up, it doesn't count, I have nothing
to do with that festival.
- Your name's on the list.
- What list?
- The list.
It's even on the website.
- You are shitting me.
- No, I just saw it!
- Well I don't care, it doesn't count,
I am not part of that festival.
- But can you help me?
- No.
- Oh come on.
I just need somebody with a fresh
set of eyes to take a look at my
work and help me a little bit.
Here.
- What is that?
- Can't you see?
It's the flower emerging from the ashes.
- It looks like a bunch of bananas
emerging from the ashes.
- That's why I need the help.
- Well I am not an art teacher.
- Could you at least think about it?
Look, I'll come back tomorrow and
I'll leave this right here just
in case you get a minute.
- Why don't you just...
- Yes, you're right,
don't wanna be a pest.
I'll stop by tomorrow, maybe you'll be
feeling better by then.
Thanks a ton.
- Yeah, take that a put it on the porch.
It might be better with dew on it.
(knocking)
(louder knocking)
Excuse me!
Hi, were you knocking just now?
- No, I don't wanna bother you, but...
- No, it's fine, I was just distracted.
- Are you MJ Clayton?
- Yes I am.
- I was hoping I could
have a word with you.
- Of course!
Come on in.
- I'm Lisa.
- Hi, Lisa.
Would you like to have a thing of drink?
- No thanks, I'm not gonna take
up too much of your time.
- Have a seat.
- All right.
I heard you were on the island.
I figured, I assumed it had something
to do with the festival, our festival.
- Oh, that's funny because actually
I'm here vacationing and the whole
art festival is kind of a coincidence.
- Oh.
Well I was wondering if...
If maybe you could help me with
some of my painting, I entered the
art contest and I really just think
if I just had a little bit of advice
then I would do better.
I'm sorry, this is insane.
You have better things to do, I"m sorry...
- Oh no no, oh no no no no no,
let me be the judge of that.
I really would like your
things, your paintings.
- Really?
You're not just saying that?
- No!
One of the greatest joys in my
life is in just nurturing young talent.
- That's great, I just, I left my
painting out by the fence.
(laughing)
I know, but I'm gonna get them.
- All right.
- If you're sure.
- Oh no, I'm not so sure.
- You're totally sure?
- Okay, I'll be very (mumbles).
- Okay, great, thank you.
Are you sure this is okay?
- Absolutely.
Can't wait to see.
- Thank you so much.
- Sure.
- (mumbles) what I wanna show you.
That, that one.
Well?
- You have talent.
What else you got?
- That's just...
This one.
It's of my grandmother.
- This is unbelievable.
- I...
I'm pretty happy with it I think.
- This is incredible, you did this?!
- Yes, I did, it took a long time.
- It should take a long time, this is,
this, I'm speechless!
- I just know that I'm gonna
be up against some really good
stuff and I just, any...
I'm open to suggestions.
Anything that you wanna...
- Okay.
This...
This shading right there?
Maybe that's a little bit strong,
just a little bit because sometimes
the beauty of shadows is that you can,
if there's a little bit of detail,
you can see into it almost like
you can feel the darkness.
Similarly, the skin tones,
maybe they're a little bit, just in there,
a little bit robust 'cause she's frail and
you might wanna portray
that in the skin tones.
I haven't seen anything else that's
gonna be entered in the festival,
but this is fantastic.
- You know, my grandmother,
she passed away
a few months ago, so this
painting is really...
Sorry.
(sobbing)
- It's okay.
Shh...
- I'm gonna go.
- Okay.
- Thank you so much though,
I'm gonna make those changes.
- Well now don't do anything rash.
- No, I'm gonna do those
things that you said.
- Don't just fix them because
I said to fix them
because I was trying to...
- I think it's a really
good idea, I think.
- You're welcome here any time.
- Thank you,
that means a lot to me.
- You know what?
You wanna grab a quick dinner sometime?
- I'll find you.
- Wow.
(phone buzzes)
Okay, okay, okay, okay.
Hello?
Oh come on, we've been
over this a thousand times.
Look, look, look, I
treat them all the same,
it is not my fault that
they're all terrible.
They should know the truth.
Oh is that so?
Are you kidding me, he is in editorial!
Really?
(knocking)
All right all right, don't
do anything hasty, just...
Give me a couple days to sort things out,
I'll call you, okay?
Okay, yeah, bye.
- Is everything okay?
- Oh yeah, it's great.
- I just wanted to let you know
that my schedule freed up for dinner
if the offer is still good.
- Well yeah.
Great, where do you wanna go?
- The Crestridge is good with me.
- Crestridge is great.
- Okay.
- Meet you there around seven?
- Seven it is.
Okay.
(laughs) Bye.
- Bye.
Damn.
(oddball banjo pop music)
(knocking)
(louder knocking)
- Can I help you?
- I'm sorry, is this a bad time?
- No, not particularly.
- Is that for the art show?
- I don't know, maybe.
- I'm Mary Beth.
I'm in charge of the
festival this weekend.
I just heard you were on the island and I
simply had to come by
and introduce myself.
- Well it's a pleasure to meet you.
- I saw your name on the
list of participants.
- Yeah, that's a mistake.
Somebody's playing a dirty joke on me.
- No, don't be modest.
People are excited that an artist
of your caliber is taking the time
to participate in our festival.
- Really?
- Yeah, people come from
all over the Midwest to be a part of it.
We even had someone from
New York show up last year.
It's really fun.
- Want a drink?
- That would be lovely.
- Hey, is beer okay, I
think it's all I got.
- That would be perfect.
Are these yours?
- Yeah.
I think I'm going through
a white period right now.
- Aren't you gonna have a beer with me?
- I'd love to, but I can't.
Kinda overdid it last night.
- So how long you gonna be here?
- I don't know.
Maybe a week or two.
Waiting for a call from the office.
- You know, I've always
wanted to meet you.
- Get outta town.
- I was in Chicago last year and
I saw you around town sometimes.
- Really?
= Yeah, the whole art
thing just turns me on.
- Mmmm.
- Well I think all creativity
comes from the heart.
Don't you?
- Yeah.
I do.
(snuffling)
(clanging)
- Hey there.
- Hey hey hey.
- I thought you might be hungry.
I made us some eggs for
dinner, I hope you don't mind.
- No, not at all.
- Here you go.
So Beth Anne, tell me...
- Mary Beth.
- I'm so sorry.
Okay, Mary Beth, tell
me, where are you from?
- Minneapolis.
Then LA, Kansas City,
followed a friend here.
- I love it here, I think it's great.
So simple and little horse
drawn carriages is great.
- Yeah, I like it too.
(knocking)
- Just ignore it, they've
been bugging me all day.
(louder knocking)
Oh shit!
Excuse me, one second.
Hi.
You know what happened?
This is what happened, I fell asleep
and just now I woke up and that's
why I messed up because I was more
tired than I thought and I don't know what
to say except could I have a rain check?
- It's okay, I probably should've
given you a little bit more time
to get settled, so it's my fault probably.
- Well the last two weeks have been tough.
- Mary Beth?
- She just walked in the back door
and I think it's a country thing,
but here's the thing,
I think she'll be gone
soon and then I'm just gonna (mumbles).
- Yeah, all right.
- I think it had something
to do with the art festival.
- I'm gonna talk to
you later, Mr. Clayton.
- Please don't take it that way,
don't take it like that,
come here, come here.
I wanna make it up to you.
I wanna talk to you about your painting.
- My painting?
- Yeah.
So how about this, is there any way
we could meet for breakfast and
I promise I won't be late?
- All right, well I go running
at seven, so how about 8:30?
- Great, 8:30 it is, I will be there.
Now just tell me where.
- Friends of my parents have
a hotel, we can meet there.
- Great, what hotel is it?
- The Grand.
- The Grand Hotel?
- The Grand, meet me on the porch.
- Okay, I will be there.
- Don't be late.
- I'll be there.
Night.
- I've seen her around.
Who is she?
- A friend.
- You're getting to be a pretty
popular person up here.
(electric guitar blues music)
- Hello.
- Hey.
- You made it.
- Yeah.
- So?
- Wow.
- It's nice, isn't it?
- I'm so happy to see you, I guess I
thought you would teach me a lesson.
- Oh no, I'm not like that.
- This place is beautiful.
- I know, yes, it is so beautiful.
I spent a lot of summers here growing up.
- Lucky girl.
- So I got us a table
inside if you wanna come on.
- Man.
(horse clomping)
- Over here.
(laughing)
- Ah, let me.
- Thank you.
- First of all, I want to apologize
for standing you up last night.
- Hey, you...
You're a busy man.
- There's one thing I'd love to...
- Good morning, Lisa.
- Johnny, hi, how are you.
This is Mr. Clayton.
Mr. Clayton, Johnny.
- How do you do?
- Can I start you off
with some fresh squeeze orange juice?
- That would be perfect, and I'd actually,
just order now if we can?
- Sure.
- Two eggs scrambled with green peppers
and onions mixed in and
a couple slices of bacon,
rye toast, hold the
butter, and a cut of fruit.
- I'll just have black coffee.
- I'll be right back.
- Thank you.
- Breakfast is the most important
meal of the day, I will have you know.
- That's what I've been told.
Have you been working on your painting?
- Some, some.
- Well I have been unable to think
about anything besides that painting.
I would like to buy it.
- Buy it?
It's not for sale.
- Oh.
Well here's the thing.
This is kind of awkward.
Somebody entered me in the art festival
as a joke, mean joke, and I didn't
know to bring any of my own work.
I'm not gonna be able to come up
with anything from
scratch by this weekend,
and I'm afraid that if I
withdraw, it's gonna look
like I'm disrespecting the other...
- Right, so you want to
enter my painting as yours.
- Pretty much.
Has anyone else seen it yet?
- Not really, but it doesn't seem right.
I've been working on
that painting all summer.
- Well the painting that keeps the...
- Thank you.
- It doesn't diminish the painting at all.
- You know what, I'm really surprised
that you would ask me to do that.
- Why?
- It's unethical in every way.
- Okay, I was just thinking in terms of...
- What?
- I need your help as a friend.
I don't have anything for the festival
and if you could just help me.
I mean that painting looks like
the kind of thing that I could've done.
- I beg your pardon?
- Oh God, that is not what I wanted,
that did not come out right.
- Wow.
- No no no no no, okay look, look at me.
Look at me, please, I'm begging you.
It's so incredible that it looks like...
All right, forget everything,
forget about the painting for a second.
Knife me.
Please, and then I am going to
do some damage to myself if you
don't promise me that you will
erase that whole conversation.
Just please, it's, it's all wrong.
I did not say any of that.
Good morning.
- We can drop this.
- I'm not even gonna
have breakfast because I got
my foot so far down my throat.
- We're gonna drop this completely.
- Is that okay?
- Yes, that's, that will be great.
- You should wear yellow,
it's an unbelievable color for you.
- Thank you.
(twangy acoustic guitar music)
♫ Ain't caught nothing
♫ Fishing here all day
♫ I got my bible breaker (mumbles)
♫ Must be nothing in the bay
♫ I've been told I got (mumbles)
♫ I'm easy with the lines
♫ Oh yeah
♫ I try to be quiet and patient
♫ Least half the time
- Afternoon, Mr. Clayton.
So how's the vacation going?
Marshall.
Road stripe guy.
Friend of Frank's.
The guy that punched you.
- No, can't place ya.
♫ Then show me who's a man
♫ Baby it's all right to search my mind
♫ To find the man I'm holding on tonight
♫ Don't you hide, don't be shy
♫ Let that energy rise
♫ Let that energy rise
♫ Me and you
- I don't wanna be a pest or anything,
but have you given any thought
to helping me with my painting?
- Oh I sure have.
- That's great!
Well?
- I'm not gonna help you.
- Come on!
This is important!
- You don't deserve any help,
you're a road stripe painter.
If I'm gonna help anyone
it'll be a real artist,
not somebody who wants
to get into a clique.
- Hey guys.
What's going on?
- Nothing, would you like
to get a beer or something?
- That would be great.
♫ I ain't calling again
♫ I ain't calling again
♫ No I ain't calling again
♫ Oh no I ain't calling again
♫ I ain't calling again ♫
(applause)
- Come in.
Hey, what's up?
- How's it going?
- It's good, I'm trying to stay inspired.
- Yeah?
You got anything new for the show?
I saw you were signed up.
- Yeah, I have a couple of things
I've been thinking about entering.
- Can I see them?
- No.
They're not done yet.
- All right, fair enough.
- How about you?
- Oh yeah, I got a pastel.
So have you run into Clayton yet?
- Actually I have.
- That son of a bitch wrote a review
about my show in Chicago
and it closed down.
- That's terrible.
Wow.
- Actually that's why I'm here.
I figured I'd get some air.
- You know Clayton has a cottage here.
- I know that now, yeah.
Of all the places to run into him.
- So you've seen him.
- Oh yeah.
- You know he entered the festival?
- I know, I signed him up.
Figured it was payback time.
That piece of shit is no artist.
- I was wondering why he would enter.
How'd that happen?
- Well...
I ran into him the other
night and we started drinking.
I called him a no good parasite
bastard, something to that effect.
Then he puffed up his feathers
and challenged me and said that
he could make better art than me.
I mean even drunk, I knew that
this would be a fun thing to watch.
- Wow.
I don't know, he seems nice.
I mean kinda.
- I have no use for him.
- He gave me some pointers.
- You let him see your work?
- Yeah.
He's the real deal.
Is that a problem?
- I guess there are probably some
good critics out there, but the rotten
ones outnumber them and this guy
is worse than rotten, I'd just,
I'd stay away from him.
- I think we all should stick together
for this festival.
- Well that's what I say too,
but not with that guy.
- Hey, some folks stopped by to see you!
I told them you were around somewhere!
I think he said you work for them!
- Was his name Wilkinson?
- That sounds about right.
Seems like this art show has drawn
some pretty important people.
(phone buzzes)
- Hello?
(laughs) Hi, I heard you stopped by.
What are you doing on the island?
You really came all the way up for that?
(laughs) Very funny.
Oh of course I've got something.
It's even easier than I remembered,
it's like riding a bike.
No, not now, dinner maybe?
Fine, I'll meet you there.
(knocking)
- Who is it?!
- Me, Clayton.
- Come in!
Thank you.
Wow, that was nice.
- What is going on over here?
- Hey, no no no no no, no no no no no no!
- What?
- That's my stuff.
I actually was, I did some of the
suggestions that you
had, so it looks good.
- Well don't change it too much
'cause if you ever do decide to sell it...
- It's not for sale.
- Okay.
- All right.
- Sorry.
Wanna get a beer?
- No, thanks, I'm actually
gonna keep working.
- You okay?
- Yeah.
- You sure?
- What are you doing?
- I'm just trying to, you know,
just saying, you seem a little tense.
- Please leave.
- You sure you want me to go?
- Yes I do, you need to get out of here!
- Shit.
Criminy, you send a lot of mixed messages.
- No, go!
- I'll give you $1,000 for it.
- Goodbye, Mr. Clayton.
- 2,000.
- No, 10, 10, 10 and it's yours.
- 4,000.
- No, 10 today in cash
or I will change my mind.
- Let me see it.
- No.
- It's quarter to five,
the bank's gonna close...
- You better hurry.
- That's what I get for being friendly.
- You need to go.
(oddball banjo and synthesizer music)
- Hi there!
- Hi.
- Hi.
How about coming over to my
place for some dinner tonight?
- I can't do it tonight, I
can't do it today, sorry.
- You can name the time.
- I forgot to give you
the rules to the art show.
I gotta you the...
- Fine, fine, guys, guys, I gotta be
somewhere in five
minutes, I cannot be late!
Excuse me.
Hi, I need to get some money out please.
Make this real quick.
- Do you have your account number?
- No I don't.
I'll tell you what, let's just get
an advance on that.
- I'm sure I can help.
- Can you just toss that for me?
- Of course.
MJ Clayton?
- Yeah.
- How much do you need?
- $10,000.
- I'm going to have to make a call.
- Knock yourself out, Wendy.
- Do you have your pin number?
- No.
- Can I see some ID?
- Hey, you're that art guy.
- Now how in the world
would you know that?
- That just arrived this morning.
You must be pretty into it to have
your picture on the poster.
Mr. Clayton?
This is pretty unusual to
withdraw this kind of cash.
- I know, and that's
your business cause...
- 100, 200, 300, 400, 500, 600, 700, 800...
- You know what, that thing I gave you,
I'm sorry, I need that
back, that's the rules.
- Of course.
- Thank you.
- 100, 200, 300, 400, 500,
600, 700, 800, 900, 1,000...
- And look how perfect, see, nine more.
All right, thank you very much.
- Hey, good luck with the contest!
- Thank you!
(country rock music)
- So you're a
pretty big fish up here.
I saw your face on the
poster for the art festival.
- Oh that's, I had
nothing to do with that,
these people, they're so pushy.
- So you really do have something ready.
- Well I'm ready.
- Can't wait to see it.
- Can I get you anything?
- Yeah, I'm good with water.
And a gin.
- Water.
You know I just didn't come up
here to check out this arts festival.
- No?
- Look, for the past couple of years
your reviews have been
getting way too harsh.
I warned you a hundred times about this.
Especially that last batch,
I couldn't even run them.
- Look, Jim, I've worked for you 12 years,
people love the column, and I need
my job, I need the money.
- I could have just sent you a note,
but I wanted to tell you in person.
You'll be fine.
- I'll be okay?
I'm up to my eyebrows
in payments on stuff.
I'll lighten up on the reviews.
- It's too late.
I was told by the board to let you go.
But hey, it sounds like this
painting makes you happy.
Maybe you should stick with that.
This could be the
beginning of a new career.
- Wait a second, did you say that
that last batch of
reviews didn't even run?
- Not a one.
- The ones on Frank Denham's sculptures?
- Never saw daylight.
I hired this writer who's been bugging me.
He jumped right in.
Pretty damn good too.
He's got heart.
Thanks.
Are you okay?
- Hey, what's the matter?
Clayton.
- I'm a freelancer again.
- You're not with The Sky Beacon anymore?
- I guess I was a little
bit blunt sometimes.
- Yeah, people did sorta hate you.
- I gotta get out of here.
- No no no, you can't leave now.
Everyone's expecting to see your work.
The show starts at five.
- I got one piece.
- That's all most of the featured
artists have, don't worry about it.
- Hey.
- Hi Lisa, you all set?
- Yeah, yeah I think so.
- Okay.
- You okay?
- He's one of us now.
He can even compete for the prize.
He got fired.
- No kidding?
- Did you just say prize?
- Of course there's a prize.
This one's a good one.
10,000 bucks.
Second place is five, third is two.
- Maybe I'll just stick around after all.
- May the best work win.
- She's a pretty good artist.
- Yeah.
- Her stuff always wins.
- Yeah, we'll see.
(ominous hip hop music)
- I was afraid you wouldn't show.
This is amazing.
No, no really, this is really good.
- Thank you.
- Your work is so...
Sensitive and beautiful.
Kinda an unfair advantage.
You being so gifted and all.
Oh, you made it through fast.
- Well nothing has
really jumped out so far.
- We still have to go through and
see the other side.
- I'd like you to meet MJ Clayton.
These are our judges, Tom
and Susie Klienschmidt.
- Hi, how do you do.
- They have a gallery in New York
and have quite a reputation
for recognizing talent.
- You're so kind.
- Now this, this is
what I'm talking about.
Susie, look at this.
- Is this yours?
- Yeah.
- This has the passion and the brilliance.
Wow.
Honey?
- What number is this?
Does this have a number?
- No no, it was a late entry.
Just write down Clayton.
He only has the one.
- Clayton.
- Well I can tell you that this
is one of the top entries so far.
- Congratulations, MJ.
- MJ Clayton, that sounds familiar
to me, do I know you?
Do I, huh?
- Wait a minute, you're that art critic.
From Chicago, right?
- Well he was.
He's a full time artist now.
- Finally got fired?
- Well it was a long story.
- This is a much better gig for you.
You were a bad critic.
People hated you.
But this, this is amazing.
You've got a future if you keep this up.
- What do you call it?
The painting?
Your painting has a name maybe?
- It's got an interesting story.
Now one...
- Grandma's Eyes.
I mean that's what I would call
it if it didn't have a name yet.
- Yeah.
- Oh, Lisa.
- Yes.
- I'd like you to meet our judges,
Tom and Susie Klienschmidt.
- So nice to meet you, it's a pleasure.
- Likewise.
- I've heard a lot about you guys.
- Thank you.
- Are you enjoying the island?
- Oh it's been wonderful.
Are you one of the artists?
- I am.
I am, and my painting's actually
just down there at the end.
- We'll be down there in a minute.
- Perfect.
- This is amazing.
- You think?
- Oh yes.
- This one is truly
inspired, you can tell.
- Yeah you can.
- We should get going.
We're supposed to finish the judging
by eight and that's about a half hour.
- We'll see you all later.
- See you later.
- Clayton sure is amazing, isn't he?
- It's funny to be under so much,
I'm not used to being under all the...
- So what...
- That one back there,
Grandma's Eyes was it?
- Yeah?
- That one is in a league of its own here.
- I know, and everything else is
pretty good, but that's got something,
I don't know, special.
- It's breathtaking.
- Okay, so let's keep going and
see what else is out there,
but I already know what
I'm gonna vote for.
Okay?
- Look, I'm sorry you lost you job, but...
But maybe it's just what you needed.
Now you have plenty of time
to devote to your work.
I mean this is a major contribution.
The judges were sure impressed.
- Yeah, yeah they were.
- So are you gonna stick around
now that you got some time on your hands?
- No I'm not.
I cannot afford to
"stick around" I have to
get to Chicago and get my name out there.
- I still like that.
I like it a lot.
- It's quite impressive.
- But, but but but but.
- Well it looks like we have a winner.
- Hands down.
- You've seen this one over here right?
- No, thank you.
- Perhaps not.
- Excuse me.
Oh my God.
Honey.
- Now we've got a contest.
- Do you know?
- Who did this?
Lisa Williston?
- It's number 68, it's titled Margaret.
- Margaret.
- Margaret.
- She is so talented.
- Gifted.
- Well it's almost eight
o'clock, are you ready?
- Will you give me a minute?
- Sure.
I'll meet you over there.
- Thank you all for inviting us
to be a part of your Island Art Festival.
As you can see we had the chance
to view some amazing work.
You should all be very happy with
the quality of the show.
Give yourself a hand.
(applause)
- Our job is to pick the top three
pieces of art based on our personal
and professional opinions.
First, we want to thank everyone
who submitted their work and especially
Mary Beth and her committee for
organizing this wonderful event.
(applause)
- Okay, let's get right to it, shall we?
Susie.
- All right, here we go, and I'd ask
you to please hold your applause
until after I announce the title
of the painting, thank you.
The third place Island Festival Award,
$2,000 in cash goes to Kathleen Myers
for her entry Setting Suns.
- Oh thank you.
(applause)
- All right, Kathleen!
- Okay, so are you ready to announce
what we have for second place?
- This was a tough one,
but there were a couple
of entries that stood out above the rest.
- That's right.
This level of art can only be created
when all of the elements line up and
then it takes on a life of its own.
- The winner of
the second place award,
$5,000 in cash, goes to...
Frank Denham for Seduction.
(applause)
- Thank you so much.
- Bravo.
- Thank you so much, I appreciate it.
- Congratulations.
- Thank you.
- And the first place grand
prize of $10,000 for the
12th annual Island Art
Festival, goes to...
- A beautiful acrylic titled...
Margaret, Lisa Williston!
(applause)
- Thank you so much.
- Such a beautiful piece of work.
- Thank you.
- Congratulations.
- Thank you so much.
Thank you.
- Leaving us so soon?
- Yeah.
- Hey what happened last
night, you were a shoo-in.
- I pulled it.
You know I didn't really
paint that picture.
- Of course I knew.
- No you didn't.
- Yes I did.
- No you didn't!
- Yeah.
- Okay, if that's so, then why didn't
you blow the whistle on me?
- Are you kidding me?
I wanted you to win and then get your ass
disqualified when the truth came out.
That alone would've been
worth the price of admission.
- Wow.
- Hey, you screwed me
over pretty good you know.
Now listen, what does
the MJ stand for anyway?
- Nothing.
I just like the sound of it.
- Come on, what is it?
- Milton Jazz.
- Milton Jazz?
- My parents liked the poet and music,
so they named me Milton Jazz,
you have no idea how close I came
to being called Shelley Scat.
- Yeah, well that explains quite a bit.
Hey.
- Hi guys.
Hey there, honey.
- Well where are you kids off too, huh?
- Well I got a tip that a gallery
in New York is looking for a buyer,
so Mary Beth and I are gonna check it out.
I don't know, maybe I can sell that.
- I'm sure you can.
Oh hey.
- Hey.
- You all ready?
- Yup.
- (mumbles).
- Okay, see yeah.
- You know what, I'm gonna
be watching your work.
- Wonderful.
- So I got something fun to tell you.
You know that review you
thought killed your show?
- Yeah?
- I didn't write it.
- What are you talking
about, of course you did.
- No I did not.
None of the reviews I wrote
that week got printed.
Some other guy wrote them.
- You're kidding me.
- No, although from the sound of it
I could have written it, but I didn't.
- Jeez.
Maybe my stuff really does suck.
- You won second place.
That doesn't mean your stuff doesn't suck,
but it's, listen, don't pay
attention to damn critics.
- Hey!
Hey, you forgot the.
(remixed acoustic guitar music)
(country rock music)
(laughing)
- Cut please.
- Okay.
Yes, you know what, you know how
upset I am, I'm not even
looking at the road.
(laughing)
- That show was supposed to run, it...
(laughing)
In two weeks.
The Famous Jackass Art Critic Loses
500 Bucks Making Stick Figure...
- You smell of cloves.
(laughing)
- No he doesn't, that's me.
- Hey, I just thought of something.
No seriously!
- This is good beer.
- Are you on the package
for Brawny paper towels?
You're not, you're not rolling.
- No, I'm not rolling, no.
- You are you liar.
(laughing)
- To art!
Whoever the hell he is.
(laughing)
- I heard you were on the islands.
(laughing)
I had (mumbles).
- Was it good, bro?
(laughing)
(laughing)
- Okay, that's funny.
- My. Clayton.
(laughing)
You have to leave!
- Oh!
(laughing)
- I thought this would be silly!
(laughs) That's good!
(laughing)
(loud bang)
- Oh!
- (laughs) See, now you have a hole,
like perfect hole through you.
- And that's the point
of view, when I stand up it's
just your (mumbles).
(applause)
- Chris Koury,
ladies and gentlemen.
- It's cause you're acting drunk though.
- I'm not acting anymore, right John?
- We are drunk.
It's become reality.
(typing noises)