Movie 43 (2013) - full transcript

- Good. Are you on?
- Yeah, we're ready.

My name is Calvin Cutler.

What you're about to witness
is the most badass,

fucked-up thing you'll ever see.

We call this the "Bull's Eye."

Oh, yeah.
Don't try this at home.

You're good? You ready, buddy?
All right. Right, ready?

One... two... three!

Tell me we got it. Just...

Did we? No! No way, we got it!
No fucking way, dude!

We got it! We got it! We got...
Oh, shit!



Look at that! Look at that!
Dude. Bull's eye, bro!

Awesome!

We're putting it on You Tube!
Let's go! Yeah!

Dude, we got a view!

Yeah, buddy, that was us
when we uploaded it.

Well, then upload it again
so we can have two views.

I-I don't think that's how it works.

- Hit "refresh," dude.
- Oh, yeah.

- No way.
- That can't be right.

- Do me a favour.
- I just refreshed it.

Let's see if it pulls up.

No way. Twenty-five thousand
views, man!

Five hundred thousand!

- One million? Yes!
- You're too money!



- I told you we're gonna be famous.
- We're gonna be famous and...

April fools, suckers!

I took the liberty of cloning You Tube
and hyper-inflating your Views.

You... You little shit!

Did you just try to hit me
through your computer screen?

Yeah, I did!

Why don't you come in here so
I can hit you like a real man, pussy!

Working on my science project.
Enjoy your page Views.

God, he's such a little spaz!

- We need revenge.
- We do.

- We need to April fools prank him.
- Yeah!

- Hit him where it hurts.
- Square in his balls.

No! We gotta do
something better.

We steal his computer
and load it full of viruses.

- Wait, where do we get viruses?
- Uh, duh! Porn sites.

Hy do you think my computer's
so slow? It's full of 'em.

Oh, okay, but how-how do we get
his laptop if it's in his room?

We can't just-just kick
in the door and steal it.

How do you lure a dragon
out of a lion's den?

I don't know.

- You present him with a challenge.
- Challenge?

A challenge. Jus... Follow my lead.

- Baxter! Baxter, my man!
- What?

Uh, me and J.J., we have
this computer problem.

There's this Movie on
the Internet and we can't find it.

Can you help us?

You're trying to get back
at me for that prank, right?

No! Truce! Truce.
Seriously, we just, uh...

we need to find it, uh,
before the FBI takes it down.

You said the FBI?

- Fucking FBI, the CIA...
- The CSI, NCIS...

I mean, this video is so illegal,

it has been banned
by every country in the world.

Including Amsterdam.

Where you could slap a cop
in the face with your penis,

and they'd say, "danka."

Amsterdam is not a country!

- Amsterdam's not a country?
- Since when?

The shit's still banned there, dude.

Yeah. Think about it. They... it's-
It's like it's the-the-the fucking...

It's the most dangerous
film in the world.

- It is.
- What's it called?

Actually, you know what,
Baxter? You're right.

It was an April Fool's prank.

I'm sorry we brought you into this.

You know, you should probably just...

go on with your life and never
think about this again. Please.

Wait.

- What's so bad about it?
- You don't wanna know.

What's so bad about it?

Hey, slim!
What's so bad about it?

- It can kill you.
- How?

It can make you shit out
your intestines.

It can make you bleed
out of your eyes.

You know, one guy saw it,

and he ran into a church, and
he just started humping the nuns.

That was a huge story
a few years back.

It can make you pull off
your own dick.

Okay, why would you
want to watch it...

if it can make you pull off
your own dick?

Because...

if you can watch it all the way
through from the beginning to end,

you're rewarded beyond
your wildest dreams.

With money. And sex. And women.

It's like that Movie The Ring,
but with a good ending.

- Yeah. And boobs.
- Lots of boobs.

So what's this Movie called?

Movie.

- Forty-three.
- Movie forty-three.

It's not on Zwoogle.

Yeah, of course it's not
on Zwoogle. It's banned!

Okay. Then I guess
we'll need to dig deeper.

Visit some dark corners
of the Internet.

Mm, yeah, the dark
corners, dude.

Yeah, get in there.
We gotta find this thing.

I found a cloaked server
that houses banned videos.

Start out with the forty-third one
on the list. Sound good?

Yes! Yeah, you guys keep
working on this.

I'm gonna go guard the door
for the uh, FBI,

the CIA, and Mom.

Look at this. Check it out.

Hey. Ooh! You look good.

Hope you're almost ready.
He's gonna be here any second.

I don't know why I'm doing this,
Pam. I don't trust Julie.

- I mean, what if this guy's a loser?
- He's not a loser.

He made senior partner at his law
firm by the time he was,

like, twenty-eight.

So all he cares about is
his career and money.

Mm, not according to Julie. He's a
volunteer with the Special Olympics,

he's on the board of
the New York Philharmonic...

He's opening a new restaurant
with Derek Jeter!

But he's probably got one of those
awkward character faces...

that sort of really has
to grow on you, right?

Mr. "Character Face" is on
the cover of Gotham Magazine.

- That's him?
- That's him.

Yeah.

And he's here. Go.

- Do I look okay?
- Gorgeous.

- You sure?
- have fun!

Bye!

- I mean, you gotta be kidding.
- Several of them.

I'm telling you, don't knock
shopping on TV until you've tried it.

Beth, I think-I think you're
the first person I've ever met...

who actually buys
stuff off television.

- No! Come on!
- No, it's true.

Oh, well where do you think
I got this scarf?

And you know what?
I bet it's softer than yours.

Okay. See, that's where
I draw the line.

Do not start putting down the scarf.

Here. Feel this. One-hundred
percent pashmina.

Well, at least that's what
the guy on the street told me.

Come on, then. Wow, that is soft.
Well, you know, I...

Hey, Mr. H. Table's ready, sir.

Great.

- I'll take those.
- Thank you.

- Please.
- Our table's ready.

Thank you.

After you.

So, um, Carrie tells me you design
clothes for kids. No?

Yes. Clothes for kids. I design...

clothes... for kids. Kids clothes.

Awesome. Awesome.

So, if I see some kids looking weird
this summer, it may be your fault, huh?

I'm just joking. I'm just joking.

Your Russian Standard Vodka, sir.

Am I that predictable, Abby?

Eh... Yeah, you good with that? Or would
you prefer a glass of wine or?

No. No, I c-I could, use it.

Thank you.

So, here's to a, Here's to
a wonderful evening. Cheers.

Cheers.

Those Russians know something.

This is... a nice place.

Oh, it's great. This pl...
Oh, you gotta check out the ceiling.

Those beams were taken out...

of this old Quaker meetinghouse
out in rural Pennsylvania.

I mean, look. It's all oak. Isn't
that something? It's gorgeous, huh?

Oh, wow, Jake. What's this?

Well, Mr. H, this is a vichyssoise
courtesy of Chef Billy.

Now, he heard that you guys
were coming in tonight,

so he's put together a special
four-course meal for you.

Lobster okay tonight?

That's okay with me
if it's okay with you,

un-unless you wanna
check out the menu.

Beth? Unless you wanna
check out the menu, or?

- No, that's sounds lovely.
- Right.

Terrific.

Please thank the chef.
Thank you.

Bon App?tit.

Oh, you've, got something on your...

Something on my neck? Leave it to me
to embarrass myself on a first date.

Here...

There? There? I got it?

A little bit... bit more on-on
the left b-ball... One.

Uh, left side. Of...
Dribbly bit. O.

Thanks. I mean, no biggie. Trust me,
I've been through worse. I mean, as...

As a kid, I used to get made
fun of all the time.

Was it, because of your...

My stutter. I-I used to have
a really bad stutter.

Actually took probably nine years of
speech therapy to get rid of it.

So, was there anything else they...
may have made fun of?

- I don't know.
- Anything at all?

Oh, yeah, some kids used to talk
a little smack about my neck.

- You know.
- Oh, thank God!

- What's up?
- I thought I was going crazy. L...

What?

I mean... not a big deal...
at all.

It's just, what is the story there?

Well, when I was six, I fell off my bike
and I landed on a sprinkler head...

and they had to stitch me up
at the hospital.

See, it's, it's just a scar. Right?

I mean, kids could be mean.
They used to call me Frankenstein.

They're like,
"He's alive. He's alive!"

Well, I don't care, you know.
Kids make fun of everything, right?

Is it just me or did it suddenly
get a little chilly in here?

I think it may be that vent there.

- Here we are.
- Man! Look at the size of those things.

Oh, Jake, buddy, would you mind
turning up the heat just a tad?

I think that, that vent's blowing
right on... Not a problem.

Thank you.

And, uh, just let me go ahead and...

- Sure.
- Get this out of your way here.

Oh, God! Are you-Are you okay?

It's my stomach. There's...

Just get my breath back, you know.

There he is! There's the stud!

Hey! Angie! Ray!

Hey, how the hell are you guys?
You're good?

Apparently not as good as you.

Hi, I'm Angie and this is
my husband Ray.

- Hi.
- This is my new friend, Beth.

She's slowly restoring
my faith in blind dates.

Well, kudos to you, Beth,

for getting this old workaholic
out of his office for once.

Come on. Come on, Ray.

Nice work!
You caught the big one!

Did I?

But... Do you not notice the...

- Look how big little Evan's getting!
- Yeah. Little?

Yeah. He's growing like crazy.

- No.
- Who's a big boy?

Who's a big boy, huh?

Wow, Ray, he's a monster. You got
yourself a little linebacker here.

A little linebacker that needs
to go to bed!

Okay. You're off to bed.
There you go.

- Fumble.
- Another pacifier down.

I got it.

Thanks, buddy. Thanks bud.

Here, bud. Angie?

You guys look so cute.
I gotta take a picture.

Really?

- Angie, please.
- Hey, let-let the man eat, honey.

Come on, Ray. We have a picture
of our first date.

They should have a picture of theirs.

Come on, get your fanny over there
behind her and don't be shy.

- All right. Okay, okay. All right.
- Okay.

- I'm sorry about this.
- Get in close.

Beth, I'm gonna need
you to hold still.

Oh, God, they look so...

Get down! Get your face down
next to hers! Come on!

Take it. Take it. Take it, take it,
take it, take it.

- So good!
- How's that?

Now why don't you give
each other a little kiss?

Oh, come on. Angie, we just met.

Come on, let 'em eat!
Let the man eat!

- Come on! Just a little kiss.
- All right, all right.

We'll do one, one kiss
on the forehead.

- One peck on the forehead.
- We don't need to.

- Ready? Okay.
- We really don't.

We don't need...

The fuck, man! Keep looking.

Let's try the forty-second one.

Yeah, yeah, good idea.

Boobs.

Pornography with viruses.

Yeah, Baxter, you're going down.

Keep looking.

It's uh, roast Sumatra.
I grind the beans myself.

Hey, thanks again for dinner.
You really didn't have to do this.

Oh, please.

What kind of neighbours would we be...

if we didn't have you over
for a welcome dinner?

Sean, Samantha was just saying
that they homeschool their son.

Oh, that is interesting.

Well, we just think it's
the only way to make sure...

that he gets the best
education possible.

You should really consider
it for your kids.

Hey, you know, Kevin's upstairs
doing his homework right now.

I'm sure he'd love to talk
to you guys about it.

Wait. He... So you homeschool your son
but he still gets homework?

It's very important to us
that Kevin has...

a normal and complete
high school experience.

Written assignments are to be done in
black ink. Not green or blue or pink.

When are you gonna get that through
your thick skull, Mr. Morris?

It's Miller.

That's a detention.

Move, move, move, move, move!
Pick it up! Pick it up!

Come on, girlfriend,
pick your knees up!

Oh, I-I see. It's...

But don't you feel like maybe he's,
I don't know, missing out?

Yeah, high school is about more
than just classes and homework.

Absolutely. There's
the alienation, the loneliness.

It should be the unhappiest
time in a boy's life.

That's why we try to make sure...

that Kevin doesn't miss out
on any of those essential...

emotionally scarring experiences
that he'd get at a regular school.

Fag!

Faggot!

You dropped your books, fuckface!

Jesus! Dad, what the fuck!

Whoa. You've got weird pubes.

Hey, guys! Come check out
this kid's weird pubes!

Still, it must be an awful lot
of work for you guys, though.

Oh, sure, there is.
But we love it.

I think we've put together
a pretty comprehensive plan...

that provides Kevin with every
important adolescent experience.

You know, socializing
with other kids...

Hey. Kevin, right?

Can I please come in?

Look, Debbie Clark's here,

the girl you asked out before.
It's gonna be awkward.

Sorry. No. Sorry, sorry.
No. Sorry. Okay, okay.

Mom. Mom, please no, wait.
Mom, just... if I...

Extracurricular activities.

What do you do?

I suck.

What do you suck?

- Dicks.
- Louder!

- I suck dicks! I suck dicks!
- Like you mean it!

I suck dicks, I suck dicks,
I suck 'em all the time!

If you were a superhero,
what would your superpower be?

My superpower would be
sucking dicks!

Dude. You have so much
poop on you right now.

And of course the first kiss...

that should be the most awkward
moment in any boy's life.

Emily and Kara said
we should go all the way.

What do you think?

Um, do you have protection?

So, dude.

Don't tell Jeff or any
of those guys, but...

I just wanted to say that...

if I did like guys...

you'd totally be the kind
of guy that I'd like.

This is weird.

I didn't mean any of that.

Just talking, you know?

Wow.

I don't think I'll ever forget
the first time Kevin told us that...

he wished he'd never been born.

- He was only twelve.
- Precocious kid.

You know, studies show
that the average child...

doesn't express that kind of
self-loathing till they're fifteen.

I bet.

Here he comes.

Hey, honey. Meet the neighbours.

Kevin, this is Sean and Clare. They
moved into the house three doors down.

Oh, the Yeagers' old place. Great.

Yeah, I'm, um, I'm-I'm Kevin.

Uh, pleased to meet you.
Welcome to the neighbourhood.

- Nice to meet you, too.
- Thank you. That's so polite. That's...

I'm heading out. A bunch of us are
gonna meet up at The Green.

Ooh, The Green.

And, uh, yes,
I finished my homework.

Oh, and Jen and I are gonna
catch a Movie afterwards,

so I won't be home until late.

Oh, that's fine. Just make
sure you say hello from us.

Jen, my mom says hi.

Hello, Jen.

Hello, Mrs. Miller.
I'm the pretty girl.

She is.

You guys have fun tonight. -
All right.

Nice meeting you!

So. Who wants cake?

Creepy. Let's move on.

Keep searching, dude.

Hi.

- There.
- Oh, wow.

Now it's a picnic.

Would you care for
a chocolate-covered strawberry?

Oh my gosh, sweetie.
Talk about romantic.

This is perfect!

Julie, we've been together
for over a year...

Sixteen months and two weeks.

And in that time, I've come to realize
that you mean everything to me.

Oh, Doug. You, too.

And there's something
I want to ask you.

There's something
I'd like to ask you.

Okay, uh, you go first.

- No, you go first.
- No, you first.

No, you first.

How about we say it
at the same time?

Okay.

- One, two...
- One, two.

Will you poop on me?

- What?
- Will you poop on me?

What? What are you...

Wait, what did-
what did you say?

I... I trust you. I feel like
you're my soul mate.

I want to give you this gift.
I want you to be my first.

To poop...

On me. What?

You don't want to?

No, I-I mean...

Are you not attracted
to me any more?

Of course I'm attracted
to you, honey.

So will you? Poop on me?

Ah, man. You just hit
the fucking lottery, man.

You don't think it's a little weird
for wanting him to shit on her?

Slow down, man. have some
respect for this guy, okay?

She did not ask him to shit on her.

Shitting is something
you do on a whore.

- Right.
- Right?

Pooping is a gift you give
to your soul mate.

- 'Course.
- I never looked at it like that.

So tell me, man, what's on the menu?
Before you do the big deed.

I don't... I don't know.
Does it fucking matter?

- Is she a vegetarian?
- No.

Boom! Big beef burrito, with
extra beans on that bad boy.

Put some salsa,
some guacamole for colour.

When it come out of you, it's a
festival. You know what I'm saying?

You went the extra yard
for your lady. You hear me?

No, I'm doing something
classy, okay?

I'm doing seared ahi tuna steaks,
a salad, and red wine.

- No. No, no, no! Fuckin' no!
- Nice.

It's not about how fancy it goes in.
It's about how fancy it comes out.

Well... And believe me, Mexican
food makes a fuckin' mess.

And don't mess with fuckin' salads.

You know what salad does?
It locks down your bowels.

You don't want your bowels
all locked down, do you? No.

Drinks are cool.
have a few fuckin' drinks.

- Makes you last longer.
- Last longer?

You don't want to be Mr. Two Squeeze,
Thank-You Please, right?

- You really don't want to be that.
- Billy, goddamn, Billy.

Why don't you go over there while
grown people are talking over here.

Go over there and play with your
GI Joes or some shit, man.

Yeah, I'll go over there.

Lookit. Take my advice
on this one.

You go out tonight and you
shit on a few skanks. Okay?

Get it all out your system.

Fuckin' tomorrow, you are
a one-poop man.

Understand?

What the fuck is this?

Viagra, brother.
Poop Viagra. Yeah.

- Just carry that on you?
- Yeah, I carry that shit around on me.

- At barbecues?
- You goddamn right.

I got a meat problem.

All your fuckin' meat,
I gotta clean that shit out.

- Okay, yeah.
- Okay? Fine, then.

- I'm ready, sweetie.
- Oh, fuck.

One second.

I love her. Hey, I love her.

- Oh, oh! You look nice.
- Thank you.

Okay. Let's go...

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Honey.
What are you doing?

What am I doing? I'm...
You know what I'm doing.

I'm trying to, you know.

Not yet, tiger. I wanna savor this.

Oh, okay. Well,
I kinda-I kinda got to, uh...

No, no, no, no. Come here.
Come here and kiss me,

and then you can give me
your special present.

- Tell me how much you love me.
- Oh, I love you so much.

- How much?
- I love you so much I'd kill a man.

Can we do this, please?

- I bought this special lavender lotion.
- Okay.

- Why don't you get my neck ready.
- You want it on your neck?

Why? Does that not work for you?

It's fine, it's fine. Here we go.

That's nice.

Okay, okay. There we go.
Let's get it and...

- No. No. Not yet.
- What?

- No. Come here.
- What?

- You're so excited.
- I know. I can't stand it.

Gosh. Remember the day
that we met?

Yes.

Did you ever think that someday
you'd be able to...

- you know?
- Honestly, no. No, I didn't.

Do you remember what
I was wearing that day?

Baby, what was I wearing?

- Do you remember what I was wearing?
- A yellow sun dress!

Come on! Roll over and let me
shit on you, please!

Excuse me?

I'm sorry. Poop on you.
I meant poop on you.

Honey, I would never shit on you.

I would never shit on you. Honey?

Come here. I love you! Fuck!

Oh, I can't.

Julie! Come back!

Oh, baby, please! I love you!
I want you to marry you!

Oh, my God! Doug, no!

Oh, jeez!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

- Doug! Doug! Call a fucking ambulance!
- I'm on it!

Hold on. Hold on, baby, okay?
Hold on. You're gonna make it.

Oh, Julie, I love you.

I love you.

All of this was for me?

Yeah, I guess so.

Oh, yeah? It's so beautiful. It's the
most beautiful thing I've ever seen.

Yes... I will marry you.

I will marry you, Doug.

CougarCrate, where the web's
hottest cougars hang out.

CougarCrate. Perfect.

Prepare yourselves, because
the cougars are on the prowl.

Look at you. You are nice.
I like that peace sign.

Just warmin' up... What?

- Calvin?
- Wh-What's going on?

He's gone all Beautiful Mind on us.

He's off the fuckin' grid.

- Come on, Baxter. Think!
- Dude,

he's taken this shit
to a whole new level.

Everything... divided by nine...

Calvin, great. J.J. And I were trying
to delineate our search protocols.

Can you tell me anything more about
this video? Where'd you hear about it?

St-Stevie Schraeder.

Stevie Schraeder. Stevie.

Got it! It's time to bring
out the big guns.

"Falcontron"? What's this?

It's the most elite search
engine on the Internet.

Only fifty humans have access.
Twelve are heads of state.

So how do you have access to it?

I hacked into the mainframe
of the Bundesnachrichtendienst.

Stop making up words, Baxter.
Seriously.

He does that all the time.
He just makes up...

It's the German intelligence bureau.

"Bureau"? It's not a word.

Attention P-Town shoppers:

Be sure to check out our
insert in Sassy Lass magazine...

for killer deals on the
Dr. Cole family of products.

We're now offering a buy one
get one "Senior Prom" special...

on lambskin condoms
and boxed wine.

And don't forget our
"Deadbeat Dad" discount...

on all disposable cameras
and whiffle ball bats.

Got a dry, itchy vag?

Today, we are offering a two-for-one
deal on Beave Lotion.

That's lotion for your beave
by Moisture Maid, ladies...

now on sale on aisle four.
Be sure to check out...

Neil.

Veronica.

Neil.

You look pale.

You look pregnant.

You look like you slept
in a soup kitchen urinal.

You look like you bathed in
a Dumpster behind the abortion clinic.

You look like the kid who
got cancer for Christmas.

You look like the slutty one
on The Golden Girls.

- Dorothy?
- Blanche.

You take that back!
You son of a bitch!

You take it back!
Take that back!

I want to taste you.

I want to lick you till you weep.

- How's your acid reflux?
- How's your HPV?

It's your HPV, Veronica.
I'm just carrying it.

Let's not have another
"chicken or the egg" debate, Neil.

No. Let's.

- Chicken.
- Egg.

Your flesh...

slick with cocoa butter...

It haunts me.

- How's Veronica?
- Veronica's fine, Veronica.

I can't believe you named
your dog Veronica.

Can't believe you sucked off that
hobo from Magic Bean.

He was a wizard, Neil.

Shh. I wanna be on you.

In you.

I wanna be...

all...

over your chin.

Do you still like cr?me br?l?e?

Do you still like fingers
in your butthole?

You know the answer is yes.

Oh, Neil.

Veronica.

- Neil.
- Veronica.

I wanna get over you.

I wanna give you a hickey
on your vagina.

You already have, Neil.

You already have.

I'll see you in church.

Not if I see you f...

May I?

I'm no Romeo, folks,
but I know what love is.

It's an over-the-chinos rub and tug
during your first AA meeting.

Yeah. Yes. Yeah. Yeah.

And if I was in your shoes,

I would climb Dick Mountain
mouth first just to get her back!

Yes, sir!

Are we gonna let
that foxy little thing...

run willy-nilly out
of this boy's life?

No! No!

Are we gonna help this youngster...

take that sweet ass
to pound town?

- When's your shift up?
- Five a.m.

- I'll take it till three.
- I got three to five!

Thank you.

Don't be a bitch about it.

Go get her, son!

What's that?

It's not as exciting
as you might think. It's-it's...

For me, I like to say it's more about,
just like, helping people, you know.

- It's not about punishing criminals...
- Right, yeah, I totally understand.

- It's just, it makes you feel good...
- Robin!

- Oh, no.
- Robin!

Hey, Robin. Where ya been?
Hi, how ya doing.

You missed your meeting
with your parole officer.

- What? Parole officer?
- No. He's kidding.

Yeah, yeah, this guy got in some
trouble a while back for...

whipping out his little
Dick Grayson on a playground.

No, I didn't.

But, it's all good. I mean,
your wife forgave you, right?

- What?
- You're married?

- Married pervert. Yeah.
- No, I'm not!

Stacey, I'm-I'm not married!
He's kidding!

Oh, man. Dodged that bullet.

The hell are you doing here, Batman!
You're gonna ruin this!

Calm down!
Hey, look, I read on Twitter...

that a super-villain's gonna bomb
this loser meet and greet.

So I'm here to save the day,
like I do, all the time.

I mean, you know, it's my thing.

- I'm the Batman!
- Yeah, baloney!

You're here to ruin my chances with
women like you do all the time.

No way, brother! No way!
No, I'm-I'm in support of this.

Get one more speed date, okay,
then we gotta find that bomb.

Ah, this sucks.

Uh, little tip. Uh, less boy,
more wonder, right?

Ah, that's very clever.

- Dazzle them!
- Yeah, okay. Thanks.

Hi.

- Oh, hi.
- Lois. Lois Lane.

No, I... I know. I've-I've...

It's... it's me, Robin.
We-We've met several times.

- Robin what?
- Ro-Robin. That's it.

I helped save you from Lex Luthor.

Sorry.

You were like, "I'll never forget
this as long as I live."

Sorry again.

- I thought you were dating Superman.
- No, no.

- We broke up about six months ago.
- I didn't-I didn't know that.

- He's been stalking me ever since.
- Really?

Last night, I look out
my bedroom window,

and there he is just floating there,

just stroking that nasty little
curl, and masturbating!

Blew his wad all over my window!

- He broke the window!
- The, the... From the...

Uh, his jizz is like a shotgun blast!

You know that shiny stuff
in his hair? It's not hair gel.

- Lois! Oh, my God!
- Oh, no!

- Nice to see you!
- Nice to be seen! Oh, my goodness!

No, no, no. Yeah, we're in the...

- Do you know each other?
- Yeah, we work together.

- You do?
- Hey, how's Superman?

I'm gonna give him a call right now,
actually. I need...

- No, no! Don't do that!
- Oh, no, I'm gonna do it.

- Batman, don't. Please. Please.
- It's already ringing.

Hey, Soups! What's up, brother!
It's the Dark Knight.

Hey, man, I was just thinking
about you here...

'cause I'm sitting with Lois...

and she's on a date
with my boy, Robin.

- No!
- Oh, he hung up. I lost him.

Stay away from Lois
or I'll use my heat vision...

to fuse your balls into
one big ridiculous uniball.

Superman, you don't understand.

I'm not here to hit on your
girlfriend. That's crazy!

Batman and I are undercover
and we're looking for a bomb.

Bomb? I don't give two
super-shits about a bomb.

As long as I'm balls-deep
in Lois, I'm solid gold.

Stay away from Lois, bitch!

Goddammit! That's his thing!

No, so I told him, you know,

"I mean, we're gonna
be fighting crime, buddy, so..."

Oh, there he is.

"Uh, you know, you should
put on some pants."

But he liked the costume
the way it is, so,

you know, what are
you gonna do. Kids.

- Well... Thursday?
- Thursday it is!

- See ya then.
- All right, now.

And, nice legs.

You make me wear this.
He makes me wear this outfit!

So unfair! I hate it!

She's a hoot! All right,
that was your date. Let's go.

- Bullcrap! That doesn't count!
- What do you mean that doesn't count?

That was a girl, this was a date.

Now, let's boogie.
We gotta go find that bomb.

Please, just let me do one more.
That doesn't count. Please.

Oh, my God, you're such a baby.
Go! Sit down. Fine.

- Yes!
- Fine. Go ahead.

have fun. But you're not
gonna do it on your own.

- Pop that in your ear.
- What's that?

What I'm gonna do is I'm gonna
get underneath the table,

hide down there and feed you lines
to help bag this next gal.

Oh, right,
like Cyrano de Bergerac.

I don't know what that is.
It's more like Roxanne.

Okay, but look, I-I'd really
rather do this on my own.

Okay, and I hear you, and I appreciate
what you're saying,

- but I, you know, I'm gonna do it.
- Please don't.

- I'm gonna do it.
- Batman, don't. Please, please, don't...

Hi. Sorry, sorry I'm late.
There's a line in the bathroom.

Hi. I'm Supergirl.

- My name...
- I'm Robin.

Hi, I'm Robin.

Um, so where you from?

- So, where you from?
- L... Um, Krypton.

Krypton, eh. Where...
That's, that's, uh...

- Oh, shit.
- Oh, shit!

- Dude, I can see her snatch.
- Dude, I can sn...

Oh, my God! I can't believe
the size of this thing.

It's like a giant fucking cornfield.
It's enormous down here.

It's crazy. Look at that.
I-I-I feel like at any moment,

Shoeless Joe Jackson could walk out
of it and I could play catch with him.

Krypton. I-I hear it's really nice.
I-I have never been...

You didn't hear that the Sun supernova
and destroyed our entire race?

I wanna wash dishes with it.

Did it? I did not...

It's a huge, bushy
catastrophe down here.

Feel like Sean Penn should do
a benefit for this thing. It's...

What? Oh, no.
You can hear him, can't you?

Yeah, I can hear him.

I can also see Batman
underneath the table.

Cause of the x-ray vision.
Of course.

No, I can just see him. It's a cafe
table. I mean, it's really obvious.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Ah, dude. I'm so sorry about
your family dying and...

Oh, man! That took me back
to the seventies, huh?

Hold on. There's our culprit.
It's the Penguin.

Excuse me. I'm gonna go
do some Batman-ing.

Do you need any... Can I help?

Oh, it's hard to pick up with gloves.
There ya go.

Excuse me, sweetie. How ya doing.
You mind fucking off for a little bit?

Thank you. I appreciate it.
Thanks.

- See you later, citizen.
- How dare you!

You son of a bitch! Where's
the bomb, you fat fucker?

- Hey! Asshole!
- Oh, shit.

What do you think you are?
Some big man?

Picking on a little fat guy?

Take it easy! That's the Penguin.
That's what I do.

Why didn't you call me?

L... No... l...

You said that you
were gonna call me.

Wait a minute. Did I not? I know I
dialed a number... Did I not hit "send"?

You said that you were gonna stick
by me no matter what happened.

And then your little Bat-condom
breaks, and then you just disappear!

Do you know what it's like going
to Planned Parenthood by yourself,

when you're Wonder Woman?

Okay. Not very romantic talk.

Roe v. Wade here
at a speed dating situation.

Uh, look, I was fighting crime!
Ask Robin. Robin, vouch for me.

- He cries after sex. Do you know that?
- Why would I know that?

Like a baby.
After sex, what do you say?

"Oh, my soul's so dark."
Because you saw some bats...

when you were little? You pussy!

Attention, Gotham City speed daters:

How the fuck did he
get over there?

It was all a clever ruse.
I'm not speed dating.

Some of you should remember
I'm happily married.

- That's right!
- You were all there at the wedding.

- Okay, bomb strapped to my chest.
- Oh, yes. In any case,

you all have to give me some
unimaginable sum of money...

or else I'm going to blow up
Supergirl with this bomb.

Dat dat dat dat! The detonator
is in this umbrella.

- Cool it.
- No, you cool it.

My non-monocled eye!
Where are you?

Disarm!

Yes!

- Are you okay?
- I think so.

You saved my life!

Just-Just doing my job.

Kiss. Kiss her.

Open her mouth
and touch tongues.

Put your tongue inside her mouth...

and that'll coax her tongue
to go into your mouth!

Yeah! You, uh, squeeze her boobies.

Yeah, and touch her butt.

- Doesn't that look nice?
- It looks so nice.

Oh, yeah. Hold on! Not so fast!

Oh, God!

- Riddler!
- Riddler!

That is right! The Riddler!

In a diabolical scheme to get Robin and
me to this speed date to stop a bomb,

only to lure Robin away
to some seedy warehouse...

where you're gonna hang him above
a vat filled with thumbtacks...

or lizards or some fucking bullshit!

Well it didn't work, muchacho!

That was amazing.
How did you do that?

I mean, how'd you know
that she was a fake?

Bush that size is only good
for one thing,

and that one thang is hidin' the wang!
You know what I'm saying?

Wait. Let me get this straight.
So you knew all the way back then?

- You knew that she was a dude?
- Whole time.

Wh-Why'd you make me kiss her?

Him. This.

I don't know.

I guess I woke up this morning with
a little case of the fuck-arounds.

You know I'm just having fun.
My buddy! Woo!

Remember this?

Ugly isn't it?

But think how they feel.

Working without thanks
to make your life better.

Lonely, unloved, hurt.

Physical, Verbal, emotional abuse...

to get what we want done.

Can't you see
they're doing their best?

They're not trying to take
oVer your world.

They're just trying to find
a little place in your hearts.

Remember, machines,
they're full of kids.

Dude, click the button.

Do not click the button.

- Who the fuck are you?
- I am the Minotaur.

You are in my maze.

Do you know where
we can find Movie 43?

Movie 43? Movie 43?

Are you prepared to have your brains
butchered into tiny pieces?

Are you prepared to have a starving
rat nibble out your eyeballs,

and then have the holes fucked
by angry, thick-dicked wolves?

Dude, calm down. I think you're-
I think you're just confused.

We're-we're talking about Movie 43.
You've never heard of that.

Oh, yeah. She's here.

I think we have a connection.

It is the one Movie that can bring
down society as we know it.

No, dude. That's something
different. I guarantee it.

I have taken a vow to keep
anybody from viewing this film.

Dude, dude.

This guy's for real. He's protected
by firewalls I've never even seen.

We gotta click this button.

Do not click the button.

Do not click the...

Suck it!

Tyler De Soto. Fifteen.
Port St. Lucie, Florida.

He only lost a finger.

It's horrific.

I'm still not seeing what
the problem is, though.

Brian?

The iBabe has an advanced
3.2 gigahertz processor.

We left an opening for a vent and
then we placed a highly-efficient,

super powerful micro-fan
in the opening.

- And?
- The vent is in her,

Lower quadrant.

Vagi-port.

- Vagina.
- Vagi-port.

The vent is in the vagina.

A certain percentage
of our younger demographic...

are sticking their
you-know-what in the vent.

No, I don't know what.

Kids are sticking
their penises in the vent.

The fan then mangles
their penises.

Disgusting!

Sir, the iBabe is a...

High fidelity music player.

Yes, it also looks and feels
exactly like a naked woman.

Teenage boys are physically
attracted to naked women.

Our research doesn't
support that, sir.

Look, at the very least, we need to
put a warning sticker on the box.

Other MP3 players don't have a
warning not to have sex with it. Right?

A bag of potato chips
doesn't have a warning,

"Please don't fuck
these potato chips."

Am I crazy here?

None of us could have
seen this one coming.

I did.

Take it easy, Erin Brockovich.

R and D team. You did
extensive testing here.

Did you anticipate anybody breaching
the cooling system? Any red flags?

Dave?

Also, we've broken down
our problem into three steps.

Step 1: Kid buys iBabe.

Step 2: Kid fucks iBabe.

Step 3: Kid mangles dick
and sues iBabe.

Our goal is to eliminate
step two and step three.

Now I know what the problem is.

Why don't we just move the fan?
Why don't we just put it in her ear?

No. No, no, no, no, no, sir.

Uh, my team spent two years
doing the impossible,

and you're pretty much just telling us
to go back and start from scratch.

You know, to go fuck ourselves!

Okay, look. The iBabe weighs over
a hundred pounds, okay?

It's basically illegal
to take it out in public.

Women's organizations are calling
for the boycott of our entire company.

Our stock is plummeting and kids'
dicks are getting horribly mangled!

Uh, come in, come in, come in.

Sir, may I introduce you
to the iBabe Special Edition.

Oh, my God.

Faster processing,
double storage capacity,

and how about that elegant finish.

Just gorgeous. Gorgeous, gorgeous!

- Congratulations!
- Thank you.

Finally we can give our customers
a choice of colour.

Oh, my God. Just when I thought
it couldn't get more offensive.

Oh, for Christ's sake.

Yeah. Now I understand.

Enough! Enough!

What do you want? Money? Women?

Just stop looking for Movie 43.

Hey! Who are you?

Movie 43. Where is Movie 43?

I don't know what
you're talking about.

Where is Movie 43? Don't lie!

Get away from me! Get off me! No!

The fuck, man!

So you know where Movie 43 is.

No!

The Movie that allows you
to see into the future.

No! It will destroy society!

He will unleash
the dead up in protocol!

Did Stevie Schraeder
tell you any of this?

Who is this Stevie Schraeder?

Who is Stevie Schraeder?

- Who is this Stevie Schraeder?
- I don't know Stevie Schraeder!

- You lie!
- What the fuck?

Fuck you!

Who is Stevie Schraeder? You tell
me where Stevie Schraeder is!

Who is this motherfucker?

He's a kid in my fucking
Driver's Ed class!

You will find us Movie 43,
J.J. And Baxter.

What the fuck, man!

Keep looking!

- I'm looking!
- Don't look!

I'm, uh, RSVP-ing
to Sammy's Bar Mitzvah.

Yeah, me too.

The party, not the service.

My mom always makes me
go to both. Sucks.

Yeah.

Yeah!

Nathan on a date for once!

Jesus, Mikey, shut up!

What? Mom told me to watch
you guys. I'm just doing my job.

I mean it, Mikey. Leave!

I'm watching you.

Sorry, my brother's an idiot.

Whatever.

- You have a bathroom?
- Totally. It's right back there.

- Yuck!
- Nathan?

Nathan, I...

My brother spilled fruit punch on the
couch. There's a big red stain.

I, I, um... I need to go.

But you're not getting picked up
for another half hour.

Wanna sit and watch
some more TV?

Yeah. I'll-I'll just... I'll just
watch it from back here.

That's cool. I like standing.

Whoa! Mikey spilled fruit
punch on the wall, too!

- My mom is gonna be so pissed!
- Nathan, I really need to go!

Hey, lovebirds, I hope I'm not...

Holy shit, you are covered
in blood! Oh, my God!

- What?
- Oh, my God!

- Oh, my God!
- Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! You must've s-sat
on a nail or something!

- You idiot! She's having her period!
- Oh, my God!

What do I do?

You don't know what to do?
You've never had your period before?

- No, I haven't.
- Oh, my God,

Mikey, she's already
lost a lot of blood!

Okay. Um, you know what?

Mom's gotta have some tampons
around here somewhere, right?

Oh, my God!
This is not happening!

Fuck! You are way skinnier than Mom!

There-There's no way
they're gonna fit you!

Look, I'm just gonna walk home!

No, no, no, no! You can't walk
home in your condition, silly!

Mikey, hurry!

There's just plastic bags! I don't
know what the fuck you want me to do!

- What?
- Wipe yourself!

Hey, hey, hey!
Guys, I'm home early.

Dad, help us!

Pardon me, I'm Nathan's father, Steve.

Oh, we're just gonna have to plug
it up. I found this and this.

All right, what's going on here?

Nathan's date is on her period
for the first time,

and she's bleeding everywhere!

- Oh, disgusting.
- What?

I mean, congratulations,
young lady.

"Congratulations"?
She's bleeding to death!

Oh, my God! My stomach hurts!

She's having contractions!

No! Oh, no!

All right.

N-Nine-one-one? Yeah, my friend
is bleeding out of her vagina!

Nathan, Nathan, listen!

Why are you laughing at me?

It's just... it's...
The-The lining of Amanda's...

internal organs just
spilling out of her.

Oh, my God!

Look, I'm not dying!

I got frozen peas and a sponge!

If you wanna keep the lining intact,

the man has to insert his
erect phallus into her vagina.

- A what?
- You know what? I got a perfect thing.

Maxi pad on a stick.

Oh, my God! I wanna kill myself!

Hello! Hey, baby, you ready?

- What the hell's going on here?
- Dad!

Oh, my God! Honey!

What the hell kind of sick family
squashes a large tomato...

on my daughter's pants?

Whoa. Watch what you're
implying about my family.

Oh, I don't gotta watch
anything, Jack!

- Yeah?
- Yeah!

- You touching me?
- Yeah, yeah, bitch, yeah!

- You touching me?
- You're not to touch me!

- Let's go, bitch!
- Let's go!

Sucker punch him! Sucker punch
him in the throat!

Everybody shut up!

Look, I'm just a regular seventh-grade
girl getting my period,

and it really sucks that it had
to be in front of all you idiots.

Dad, call Mom and tell her
to meet us at home.

She's got her period?

So disgusting.

You don't have a camping tarp
I could borrow, do you?

Sorry about all that.

Hey, honey, don't sit in the car!

Vagina is way too complicated!

Yeah, no shit.

Really?

Dad, that was epic!

I've been trying to push that puppy out
since this morning's conference call.

Woo! I gotta take a massive dump,
and then we're watching the game.

- Yeah.
- Yes!

Oh, nice!

Come on, come on, come on, come on.

Look who we found.

J. J?

- Stevie Schraeder?
- I freaking told you.

Wh... What the fuck!
How'd he get there?

Stevie, tell them about Movie 43!

What's Movie 43?
They keep asking me that.

- Cut off Stevie Schraeder's finger.
- What!

No, don't cut off
Stevie Schraeder's finger!

Don't cut off Stevie Schraeder's
finger! Please!

Movie 43 isn't real.

It's just something Calvin
and I made up to prank you!

Well, apparently it is real,

and we need to find it
or else your stupid friend dies!

- Unless...
- Unless what? Unless what?

I can fashion
a ninety-one-F-Theta Box.

No. Not the Theta Box. Please!
Do not do that!

Go! Make a Theta Box, dude.
Whatever that is.

Okay. Don't wait for me.

Movie 43. Wh-Where is it?
Where is it?

Go fuck yourself, asshole!

Don't do this.

Brian, we're best friends, man.
You can't move out.

You fucked my girlfriend, dude.

One time.

For a week.

- What?
- But I want to make it up to you.

Can I fuck your girlfriend?

Yes, but she broke up with me...

when she found out
I slept with your girlfriend...

so I can't arrange it.

But Brian, I got you something.

Best birthday present ever.
You are going to love this.

- Is this really necessary?
- Trust me.

It's better if it's a...

One, two, three, surprise!

I know, right, buddy?
Happy birthday.

You kidnapped an lrish midget.

No, I caught you a leprechaun.

Moron. There's no such
thing as leprechauns.

Dude, watch this.

Hey, little buddy.

Tell my friend you're going
to give us a big pot of gold.

I'm going to cut off your balls
and feed them to you!

Good Lord.

He's just joking. He's got to give us
the gold. That's the rules. Right?

The last thing you'll ever see is
my cock, skull-fucking you!

Let me ask him again.

Give us the fucking gold!

Do you want the lights on or off...

when I fuck you with
a pair of rusty scissors?

Stop, stop! Chill! Chill!

What are you doing?
You're going to kill him!

Watch out! Relax! I'll handle this,
okay? I'll handle this.

Hey, Mr. Leprechaun.

I am super sorry about this.

It's just a misunderstanding,

so what I'm going to do...
is untie you and let you go.

How does that sound?

Okay... but first...

Lick my crusty lrish taint,
ya yeast-breeding cunt hole!

Die! Die, you little magical fuck!

Whoa, stop! Stop! Think!

If he's dead, he can't tell us
where the gold is!

Fucking giants.
Motherfucking full-growns!

When all this is over, I'm going
to crawl up your mother's cunt...

and start a fucking campfire!

Hey! No! Shut up!
You can't do anything...

because you're tiny and tied to a
chair, and nobody knows where you are.

No one!

I wouldn't bet on that.

Who's calling?

Hello?

So this is what a dead
man sounds like.

- It's another leprechaun.
- Fuck!

If that's my brother...

prepare to have your dickhole
stretched over a fucking fire hydrant!

- What's wrong with your fucking mouth?
- Gag him.

Your balls...

Listen, Cookie O'Puss...

I got a leprechaun and I want some
gold or we're going to kill him.

How do you feel about
having your balls cut off?

Jeez, they're so into balls.

I'm serious. You better
make with the gold...

or your little green man will be
pushing up four-leaf clovers!

That was so good.
You sounded so tough.

Okay.

What did he say?

He said "Okay."

No way. How did he get
here so fast?

Sweet!

- Gold coins!
- Gold!

- Happy Birthday, dude!
- Holy crap!

So, we get the gold and
we keep this little fucker?

Did you hear that? Looks like
your lucky charms just ran out.

Who's magically
delicious now, bitch?

What? Did you say something?

I couldn't hear you over my giant
pot of leprechaun gold!

Top o' the morning, ladies!

- He shot me in the eye!
- He shot me in my nipples!

I'm half goddamn blind!

Taste Celtic steel!

That's right, brother!
Fuck him up good!

This is what happens when
you take a leprechaun's gold!

Stab him with your leprechaun
knife! Cut off his balls!

Go leprechauns!

- Walk to the rainbow.
- What?

- Cut off his balls!
- Help! Pete! Help!

I'm going to mangle your balls!

Shoot him! Shoot
the fucking leprechaun!

You moron! Not that
leprechaun! This leprechaun!

Tell St. Patty you like it
up the ass!

What now?

Not much to these guys.

Yeah. I thought they'd be bigger.

Hey, Pete, I just want
to say thank you.

- Yeah, it is a lot of gold.
- Nah, it's more than gold.

Catching that leprechaun
must have been hard work.

Something that only a true
friend would do for me.

Yeah, well, I should have never
slept with your girlfriend.

Whatever. We can buy
new girlfriends.

Dude, I totally forgot
the second part of your gift!

Really?

- Who is she?
- She's a fairy. Storybook fairy.

What the hell am I supposed
to do with a fairy?

I suck cock for gold coins.

J.J., make some space!

- What can I do?
- I need metal. Right now! Go!

Use your Tinker Toys.

- Trophies! Spoons!
- Stop yelling at me! I'll do it!

- Right.
- I'm go. Initiate sequence.

Is this going to work?

It better!

Here we go!

How do you do this?

We're getting close!

Yeah?

Yes, we're getting very close!

Uno marguerita, por favor?

You want salt?

S?, bueno.

- And for you?
- Whynatte and rum, please.

Got it.

Do you mind me asking a question?
It may seem personal.

I'm quite surprised that a lady
with your face needs to resort to...

- Match dot com?
- Right.

Truth is, I have completely
exhausted all of my options.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Oh, dear. That's a shame.
And are you from the area?

No. Let's not do that, okay?

I've been on so many blind dates
in the past year,

and they're all the same.

"Where are you from?
What does your sister do?

What does your father..."
Blah, blah, blah.

Do you really care if my father
is a garbage man?

- Is your father a garbage man?
- No, he's not! That's the point.

- Who cares?
- Not important.

So let's not do that. Let's
have this date be different.

- Let's talk about real things, okay?
- Great.

- Real, straight conversations.
- I'm all about that.

So what does your father
do for a living?

Okay. Let's play a game.

- Okay.
- have you played Truth or Dare?

I haven't played it,
but I'm aware of it.

Well, you start first.
You ask me, "Truth or Dare."

- Truth or Dare?
- Truth.

Is there any possibility
in this noble cosmos...

or any alternative parallel
cosmos where you might...

Is there any chance I'm your type?

Yeah. Yeah. You're tall.

- And that's good?
- I like tall.

Okay, Truth or Dare?

Truth?

I knew you'd say that. I am going to
push the limits just a little bit.

- Are you circumcised?
- Am I circumcised?

That's personal.

Circumcision has never really taken
off, to be honest, where I'm from.

It's not... it's not the vogue.

I tend to associate it
with Jewish people...

and we don't have many Jewish
people in Europe any more...

because of the... trouble.

So, no, I'm not.

But if you would need me to get
circumcised, I'm sure I could.

- Truth or Dare?
- Truth.

When was the last time
you kissed a man?

Twenty-six days ago in an alley behind
a Pilates studio. Truth or Dare?

Dare. I'm going
to go with a Dare.

Here we go. Now we're
cooking. Okay.

I dare you to go over there.

See that man with the black
jacket? The husky guy?

I dare you to go
and pinch his ass.

- Do what now?
- Just cup it.

Grab his cheeks and cup it.

- No.
- Yeah.

You said Dare, not me.
That's what Dare is.

- have a look at him. He's quite...
- I see him.

Go back there and cup his ass.

He's quite a stocky man.

- He might have a knife.
- I don't even have to be here.

I can go home and watch Family Guy
if you don't want to play.

I'll get the check. Excuse me!

- Can I have the check?
- She doesn't need the check.

She's joking.

- Then go cup his ass.
- Okay, I will.

I call him, and he never answers
the phone. I'm sick of it.

- Go pay him a visit.
- You call him.

I'm sick and tired of it. It's...

- What the fuck?
- I did. Sorry.

You touching my fucking ass!
What's the matter with you!

- What do you mean, you? Fuck you!
- Sorry. Sorry.

- You touch the wrong ass, asshole!
- It's all good.

- What's the matter with you?
- Sorry. Apologies. Sorry.

That was great!

Truth or Dare? Truth or Dare?

Wait a minute. Can I enjoy the...

Truth or Dare? Come on.

Okay. Dare.

Right. You go and cup his ass.

No. You can't dare me to do the
same thing I just dared you to do.

- Truth or Dare.
- Come up with your own dare.

Be original.

See that blind kid over there?
Blow out his candles before he can.

I can't do that! That's cruel!

It's Truth or Dare.
That's the rule.

I could take off if you want.
I could go home.

I'll probably get home in time
to put Benny Hill DVDs on.

- You're doing that?
- It's up to you.

I'll go over there and
blow out the candles,

but you need to know something.

This is war.

I wish it was my birthday
So I could party, too.

Happy, happy birthday
May all your dreams come true.

Happy, happy birthday
From all of us to you.

Hey!

Excuse me. I got $200.
Can you give me the whole thing?

I dare you to make guacamole
with your right breast.

"...elucidate several most important,
however...

intricate passages and scenes
hereafter to be painted."

Chapter 64: Stubb's Supper.

"Stubb's whale had been killed
some distance from the ship."

When the swelling goes down,
you're going to look great, Emily.

Thanks, sweetie.

- That was fun, huh?
- Yes. I had a really great time.

Yeah? Me, too.

- It was definitely interesting.
- Yeah. We did a lot.

Yes. Yeah. We did. We did.

- We did it up.
- Yes.

It was enchanting.
You're really a...

very delightful woman.

- Well, thank you.
- Yeah.

So... Yeah.

This is that slightly
awkward moment.

Well...

No. I'm sorry.

You're sweet, really, and
I really did have a good time...

but I'm just not that attracted
to Asian men.

Psych! Get in here, Yao Ming!

We don't want these puppies
to go to waste.

Dude...

We're getting closer!

- I need one more!
- I'm freaking out, man!

Terrapin Protocol initiated.

I have failed.

You have found Movie 43.

- What the fuck did you do?
- Movie 43.

I used to be great
cameraman in Russia.

Dude, what's up with the power?

Mission accomplished.

- We don't have much time.
- You little shit!

We found Movie 43, buddy.

Good. We found it.

The fuck? Dude, that's you!

My name is Baxter Cutler.

It has been 141 days
since The Darkness.

J.J., Calvin and Baxter,
this is Movie 43!

You see, when you idiots made
me search for Movie 43...

we triggered the Terrapin Protocol,
the top-secret Cold War initiative...

to control the mind
of every American citizen.

So that in the event
of a soviet attack...

every man, woman and child would
be converted into fighting machines.

Only there were no more
soviets to fight.

So everyone turned on each other
and now the country is in ruins.

China? Gone! Russia? Gone!

Amsterdam? Still not
a goddamn country! Gone!

That is why I'm sending
this message back in time.

Baxter, listen to me.
You need to hack into...

Boss, the perimeter's clear!

Son of a bitch, J. J! I'm trying
to rewrite the fucking past!

Yeah? Some Infecteds were trying
to rewrite your fucking existence!

Two got away.

One did not.

Oh, man, this is sick!
Where am I?

Has the cripple been fed?

I'm sorry, Mommy!
I'm sorry, Mom!

Why am I Rain Man?

Make Sitara feed him.

You fucking feed him!
I need to be out slaughtering.

No! You carry my seed.

You must stay here where it's safe,
where I can protect you.

- I'm sorry!
- Come here, Mama.

- Sorry, Mommy.
- Back to business.

Security breach! Security breach!
Commence evasive maneuvers.

- Defensive maneuvers!
- Dammit, they jumped the wire!

Vrankovich!
On me, you dumb Ruskie!

Baxter! You can prevent
this from happening!

Hack into the Department
of Defence security mainframe...

using a Mark-7 Spartan from
the Bundesnachrichtendienst...

- No way!
- Oh, shit!

- That was awesome!
- No way!

Dude! No way! I'm never
making fun of you again. Period.

We were trying to prank you!
You turned that around...

I swear it wasn't a prank!

Oh, my God. You're
expecting me to believe...

that somehow in the next
six months the whole world ends...

- and I'm a drooling cripple?
- I didn't do it!

What are you?

What's with the lights?
That was weird.

I'm going to the supermarket.
Does anyone need anything?

No.

What is it?

No!

- I'm sorry, Mommy! I'm sorry!
- What are you sorry about?

- What's happening?
- Shit!

God!

I can fix this! Mark-7 Spartan!

That computer's fried. Go get
my laptop out of my room!

All right, I got it! I got it.
Don't worry.

- Don't let him pull his own dick off.
- Why would he pull his own dick off?

I fucking got it! I got it!

Why is my computer so slow?

Why is there porn on my computer?

April Fools.

Oh, shit!

I can't believe it!

In 1959, Kenny Jackson coached
the Ellison High Journeymen...

to become the first Negro
high school team...

ever to compete for a state title.

Theirs was Victory's glory.

Come on, y'all. Why y'all still sitting
here? The game's all about to start.

Coach, we scared.

There's 10,000 white people out there
that think that we ain't good enough.

You know what? Maybe we ain't.

All of y'all feel like that?

Four hundred years in this country...

the black man has been
spit on, kicked...

dragged through the mud.

But I've got two things
I can tell you.

Number one, win or lose...

I am so proud of y'all.

Number two...

You're going to win.

It's just that plain
and fucking simple.

You're going to win!

But them white boys
from Hickory Tech...

- What game are we playing?
- Basketball, Coach.

What colour is their skin?

- White.
- Exactly!

They're white, you're black.

This is basketball...

Am I speaking fucking Chinese?

Come on, people.
You guys are 25 and 0.

Yeah, Coach, but that was
against all-black teams.

That's the point! Y'all are going
to kill those Caucasians!

But, Coach, look at
their fundamentals.

The fundamentals!
It doesn't matter!

It's all the same when you're some
cement-foot troglodyte white boy...

getting dunked on with a big pair
of black fucking nuts...

hanging on your forehead!

Speaking of nuts... Lucious.

Come on up here, Lucious.

Tell them.
How long is your dick?

I don't know, Coach. Like a foot.

Foot and a half.

Foot and a ha...

Foot and a half?

Their arm ain't even that long!

All right, let's kick some butt.
You scared?

Well, well, well.

You Negroes going
to play basketball, or what?

Yeah, you Negroes.
What's the matter?

Did you realize you didn't belong
in a white man's game, you Negroes?

That's right. This isn't
a game for Negroes.

It's a game for good, honest
white people, not for Negroes.

You understand, Negroes?

- White Knights!
- White Knights!

Man, Coach, they looked tough.

"They looked tough"?
I'm so scared!

You know what they might do?

One of them might dribble
with his left hand...

all the way down the lane and then
go up for a left-handed layup...

and you know what's going
to happen then?

Your black ass is going
to swat that shit...

jump over his cracker ass, and
dunk in his goddamn face!

How many fucking times
do I have to tell you?

You're black, they're white,
this ain't hockey!

Guys, I think what Coach is trying to
say is that the key word is "teamwork."

No, the key word is
"you're black, they're white"!

So, Coach, what you're saying is,
if we just walk with the Lord...

The Lord? Nigger, the Lord
done did his part already!

He made you black.
He made them white.

He gave you a foot-and-a-half dick!
Dribble with that motherfucker!

As long as y'all are out
there on the floor...

you're going to score more
points than them.

That's just how basketball works!

Cut that goddamn
slow clap shit out!

Tries my motherfucking patience!

Go out there and win!

- Let's go!
- Come on!

It was a glorious game.

But late in the fourth quarter...

when Lucious Williams dribbled
the entire length of the court...

with his foot-and-a-half penis...

the referees had no choice
but to call a technical foul...

sending young Bobby Lee Mayflower
to the line...

for the most dramatic
moment of the contest.

Hey, guys. Hello.

Who is that woman you are with?

That's my mother.

I want your mother.

- Baxter, turn that shit off, man.
- Okay.

I'm going to go to
the bathroom, all right?

I can't fucking do it.

- I don't know, but I been told.
- I don't know, but I been told.

Gym class gives you great big balls.

Gym class gives you...

Out here shooting the shit.

Some guys shoot the shit, and some
people get shot with shit. Right?

- Am I right?
- I don't know what he's talking about.

You know what the fuck
I'm talking about.

I want to be on you.

In you.

- Sorry. Fuck.
- Not a problem.

No.

No, I can just see him
underneath the table.

And he's had his fingers in
my pussy for the last five minutes.

It's monstrous. It looks like she's
sitting on Art Garfunkel's shoulders.

No one leaves this room
till we figure this out.

Mangled dicks. Mangled...

Dicks, dicks, dicks, dicks...

- Mangled dicks.
- Mangled dicks. Mangled...

- Dicks.
- Dicks.

I got frozen peas and a sponge.

No, Mikey, there's steel
wool on one side.

Shit, you're right.

Okay, Amanda, you're going to want
to keep the yellow side up.

Otherwise, there's going
to be lots more blood.

I suck cock for gold coins.

So do I.

So what you're saying is, if we go
out there and give 110 percent...

A hundred and ten percent!
Fifty percent! Three percent!

I think what Coach is trying to say is
that the key word here is "teamwork."

Lucious, will you whip out your dick
and smack this motherfucker with it?

- What?
- I love you even more.

- Oh, Anson.
- I do.

- Me, too.
- You do?

He's America's favourite cat...
Beezel

I'm embarrassed to even
say this, but...

What?

Amy, ever since you moved
in here, I...

- What?
- I love you even more.

- Oh, Anson.
- I do.

- Me, too.
- You do?

Beezel! How are you?

How is my handsome little boy?

Hey, Anson, do you ever feel like
your relationship with Beezel...

is a little strange?

Amy!

Please don't tell me
you're one of those girls...

that gets jealous of a guy's pet!

Even if that pet is thuper thilly!

No, no. I just don't think
he likes me very much.

Come on, Amy. He loves you!

- Really?
- Yeah.

There we go.

Now, where were we?

What's wrong?

Nothing.

Get off of me!

- What happened?
- Beezel...

pissed all over me!

Oh, no, he just sprayed you.

It's something male cats do sometimes.
It means he likes you.

- He likes me?
- Yeah.

Or it could mean that he's sick.
Buddy, are you sick?

Anson, he did this on purpose!

- I caught him masturbating.
- He was probably just cleaning himself.

It was to pictures of you
in a swimsuit!

Cats can't even process
images in that way.

But he is not a normal cat.

Of course he is.

He just put a fucking
thermometer in his mouth!

He thinks it's a toy.

Oh, Beezel.

Anson. I love you.

I do, but as long as that
little fucker is around...

I cannot be with you.

No, Amy, Amy. Look.

If it'll make you happy,
I'll find another home for Beezel.

He's just a cat.

But you...

you're the woman that I love.

- You'd get rid of him?
- I will.

- I love you.
- I love you.

No, I love you.

Beezel, where are you, boy?

Come out, come out,
you little rat-fucker.

Beezel!

Shit, I told my mother we'd
have him there in an hour.

She was nice enough
to take him off our hands.

- Do you mind checking outside for him?
- Absolutely.

I'm going to go upstairs.

Beezel?

That's it, you son of a bitch!

Cock-sucking...

motherfucking...

Garfield reject piece of shit!

Die, you...

dick-loving devil cat!

What?

Don't look.

Mommy, she's beating that cat...

to death!

He tried to kill me.

No, you don't understand.

You don't understand.

Please.

Get her!