Mother's Day (2016) - full transcript

Ah, Mother's Day.

Paige, come on, honey,
you have to go to school.

I love being a mother.

But what about the other
364 days of the year?

When you're trying to
get your kid to school

and you're surviving
on very little sleep

because you're up all night sewing
costumes for the school play

and you've still got to go
to work in the morning.

Go.

It's about
the never-ending driving

to soccer,
gymnastics, or ballet.



It's about getting your kids
to look up from their computer

or iPad or iPod or iPhone or
whatever "I" they're looking at.

Paige, wait, honey,
your banana, hold on, hold on!

It's okay, honey,
just eat the peach.

Eat the peach, it's fine.

In other words,
it's about being a...

Mom! Mom!

Mom!

Peter...

Wait, wait, wait...
breathe, slow down, slow down,

breathe, hold on.

There you go. See?

Now tell me what happened.

Peter left the top
of the ant farm open.



All the ants are gone,
even the big red one.

Oh, why?
Why did I buy this for you guys?

I swear, I don't...

Hey, hey, hey, Peter,
where did that come from?

You know no junk food
for breakfast anymore.

Dad brought them.
He lets us.

He also lets you go to
school without any underwear.

It's called
free-balling, Mom.

I swear.
Where are all of these ants?

It happened in the backyard.

God. Peter, I'm not kidding.
I'm counting to three.

One, two...

Three.

What?
When did that stop working?

Come on,
I brought a box of donuts.

It's not a federal offense,

but I will take credit
for the underwear.

Good morning.
Hello.

Did you look this good
when we were married?

No, I actually got better.

When did you get in here?
I didn't even hear you come in.

Came in through
the back door.

I mean, we don't want the neighbors
talking, do we?

Hmm. Are you hungry?

Mmm.

Here, have a donut.

Your parents are divorced,
right?

Oh, trust me,
there's weirdness.

So, Peter, you decided
to invite your friends over

at 7:45 in the morning?

Hi.

We're meeting here
for the carpool today.

- And the donuts.
- At my request.

All right, you little hooligans,
let's go, time for school.

Load up.

Please, you cannot bring this
stuff into the house anymore.

Yeah, but, uh, seriously,
could we have a conversation later?

There's something important
I need to talk to you about.

Sure, okay.

Okay.

Telephone.

Hey, Jess.

I ate a whole
coffee cake last night.

Pilates?

No, I can't.
I have way too much work.

But I've got to tell you,
the strangest thing just happened.

What?

I think I just caught Henry
totally checking me out,

like twice.

Was it like a long stare
or a gawk?

Jesse, you've got to see this!

I'm going to say like a gawk.

What does that mean?

I have no idea, but he said he
wants to sit down with me later

and talk about
something important.

What if he wants to
get back together?

What? No. No way.

I'm coming, I'm coming.

That is so not happening.

Why not?
Jesse.

You are the happiest
divorced couple I've ever met.

I mean, maybe he's
figured you're the one.

Max, get ready,
my sister's coming.

No, no, no, no, no, no,
there's no way.

That's not going to...
It's been years, it's all fine and...

You don't really...
Really, you think it might be?

Do you think?
Here's what I'm wondering.

If you guys get remarried,
does it mean the ring has to be bigger?

I'm saying yes.

Okay, you just keep
thinking all of those

wonderfully deep
thoughts, okay?

I'll talk to you later.

Okay.

Presenting our float
for the Mother's Day parade.

Oh!

Wow!

Do you love it?
What is it?

Womb. It's a womb.

Of course.

It's a womb float.

Amazing. And so,
the tube?

The umbilical cord.

It's symbolic that we all
come from the same place,

gay, straight, transgender,
black, white, purple, you know.

Awesome.

I love it.

You're going to kill it
at the Mother's Day parade.

Seriously, they're not going
to know what to do with it.

You haven't seen
the best part.

Oh, look at that!
I delivered a child for the second time.

Wow! It's a boy.

You've lost your mind.

I'm going to go work out.
I'll be right over here.

You good?

All good, Val.

Hey, Zack.

Another week,
you won't need the tray.

Another week, and you and
Kristin will be doing my shift.

Hey, Val.

Hey, Kristin. Hey.

Hi, Daddy!

Ooh.

No, no, no, we sanitize.

I literally just
washed my hands.

Doesn't matter.

I could always
wear a hazmat suit.

I'd love that.

The baby books call that
being a helicopter mom.

You know, always hovering.

Yeah, I've been
called them all,

and it doesn't
faze me one bit.

Milk bottles for tonight.

Can you put those in the
fridge for me, please?

Um, that may not work.

I just found out...

Hey, Zack,
can I get two more?

Yep, on the way. Beanzie?

I got accepted into the Buckhead
Standup Comedy Contest.

First round's tonight,
three rounds,

first prize is 5 grand.

Babe, that would take my overall
earnings as a comic to,

well, 5 grand.

Just getting accepted into
the contest is a big deal.

Yeah, of course,
I will figure something out with Katie.

Don't worry.
Just go make 'em laugh.

I'm not paying you
to reproduce again.

Sorry, boss.

But don't mind me,
I'm just the owner.

Vicky,
don't kick the ball in here.

Okay, okay.

Thank you.

Can't believe it's
already been a year.

This will be our
first one without her.

I miss her.

Me, too.

Who's that?

Just a friend,
wondering if I'll be

at the mall
today after school.

I've got to answer him.

Is this "him" your,
uh, boyfriend?

Dad, stop. Please.

What?
Oh, my God.

Seems like
a reasonable question

for a father to
ask his daughter.

Hey, Vicky,
you know, we should go.

We're going to be
late for school,

and you, don't be late
for soccer practice this time.

I won't.

Mom was never
late for practice.

No, she wasn't.

Can I drive?

Absolutely not.

No, look, we're all going to end
up in a place like this someday.

All right?
I don't want to rush it.

What?

That was just like
the old Dad, making jokes.

Yeah, I guess.

So, listen, Dad.

After I get my license,
could I maybe, you know,

drive Mom's Volkswagen?

No, no, no, I'm going to sell it.
I told you that.

Come on, Dad.
Pretty please?

It's literally just
sitting in the garage.

Absolutely not.

Well, thanks for
thinking that over. Great.

I'm Adam Freeman.

Thanks for joining me here
on HSN from our headquarters

in St. Petersburg, Florida.

Right now, I would like to send
it over to Atlanta, Georgia,

where the very lovely Miranda
Collins is on her book tour.

Hello, Adam.

Hello, Atlanta.

Hello, viewers.

So, Mother's Day
is getting so close,

and we have these gorgeous
crystal mood pendants.

It is the perfect
gift for Mom.

These genuine quartz
crystal mood pendants

change color with your mood.

Now, wouldn't it
be nice to know

if your mom is
happy or sad or mad?

Oh, we have just sold
our 800th pendant!

Bingo!

Oh, God, I know that look.

You hate the float.

No, it's not the float.

It's just all this
Mother's Day stuff

and I start thinking about
how I haven't talked to Mom.

I don't even remember what our
stupid argument was about.

Oh, let me
refresh your memory.

She saw a picture of you
and Russell on Facebook,

and even though he's a doctor,
she threatened to disown you

if you continue to date a man whose
skin was darker than a Frappuccino.

Okay, I get it.

Look, you can always call her,

not that I understand why you
would want to, or Skype.

She's into that now.

Our parents have the Internet?

How do they do that
with a rotary phone?

Hmm. Fancier trailer park?

Well, when are you planning on
telling them about you and Max?

Never.

I'm engaged to an investment
banker named Steven.

We have not set the date yet.

He has low sperm count
and I'm in therapy.

That's my story.

Maybe if you tell them about you two
first, it'll soften the blow for me.

Don't even try to piggyback
your secret on my secret.

Besides, she's in Texas.
We're fine.

Yeah, we're fine,

just motherless
this time of year.

There's a reason we
moved here to Georgia.

She ruins everything,
remember?

I mean, at least
everything we let her.

I just feel like
we don't have family.

I'm your sister.
I live next door to you.

Thank you very much.

Thanks.

Little hot, careful.

Mmm.

It's really hot.

What did you
want to talk about?

Sounded so important.

Uh...

Oh, my God, what is it?

I, uh...

I, um...

I got married.

Eloped, actually.

Very impulsive.

You got married?

Yeah.

You got... To who?

To Tina.

To Tina?

Yeah, to Tina.

To Tina?

Stop saying, "To Tina."

I'm sorry,
I'm so confused right now.

I mean, I thought
you guys broke up so long ago.

We did.

But then there
was that stripper.

Dancer, yeah.

Stripper.

And then, Tina and I
got back together.

How does this...

Wow. You got back together.

She's the one.

Ah.

Well, let's say the next one.

Right.

You know, I've always respected
the agreement we've had

to keep our
love lives separate

until they become permanent,

which now it has.

Okay, so,
when do we tell the boys?

Oh, I already told them
on the way to school.

What? You already told them?

Yeah.

On the way to school,
with those other children in the car?

No, I waited till
those kids got out.

Oh, you did, good.
That's good.

So, that was a really nice,
well-thought-out moment for you guys.

That's nice.
Thanks for waiting for me.

They were excited.

They know her.
They really like her.

Okay.

Well...

Oh, gosh, I have to, um...

I have to meet
Jess at Pilates.

Sorry, I don't mean to...

No, no, no.

I wanted to make sure
you heard it from me first.

Yes, I know, I know.

Okay, well, um...

Uh...

I'm happy for you.

Thank you.

Hi, Bradley. Are you going to
join us on the poles today?

Uh, not today,
Beth Anne, no.

Sisters.

We want to talk to you.
Go, Jody.

Bradley, there's this new mom at
school we want to set you up with.

She's recently divorced.

Not too recent.

With one of those annoyingly
perfect lives-at-the-gym bodies.

But with boobs, big boobs.

I mean big boobs.

Look, ladies,
I really appreciate

you looking out
for me like this,

but I just don't think
I'm ready quite yet, you know?

But when I am, I will definitely
come talk to you guys.

It'd be dumb not to.

What are your plans
for Mother's Day?

Oh, um...

No plans.
We're not celebrating.

I've been thinking about this
long and hard and believe me,

I think what's
best for the girls

is to just skip
the day altogether.

You know, just treat it like a normal
Sunday, nothing special. You know?

What do you guys
think about that?

Absolutely not. No.
Major mistake, Bradley.

Dana would not like that.
Think about the kids.

You guys, look!
It's Miranda!

Am I really on with
the Miranda Collins?

Am I really on with
the Edith from Waukesha?

Go ahead, Edith.

Could I see the
bracelet a bit closer, please?

My pleasure.

How's that, Edith?

Ooh, that's lovely.
I'll take two.

And it won't cost you an arm and a leg.

Perfect. Good.

Nice crisp passes, guys!

My mom said your mom was
lieutenant in the Marines

and your dad
was a Marine, too?

Yeah, he was
a master sergeant.

Come on,
we've got to hustle.

He sure knows
how to yell.

Kick it to where they're going to be,
not where they are

because they'll be gone from
there by the time it gets there!

Leaner, come on, Rach.

Case in point!

Rachel, you've got
to hustle. Come on.

Hey!

Thank you, Vicky.
Thank you for your help.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Hey, Evelyn,
what are you doing?

Are you texting?
Are you?

Yeah, there's no
texting in soccer, okay?

I mean, there's running
and jumping, eye contact,

laughing, there's even crying.

There's no texting.

Please, put that away,
all right?

Hey, hey, hey!

What?

Thomas is
watching you.

Yeah, watching me
screw up, thank you.

Back to soccer!

I guess that's
Tommy there, all right.

Let's go!

All right, go, let's go!
Come on!

Here we go.

Nice!

- Rachel's open!
- Chase it down, that's it.

Hey, goal!

Nicely done.

Evelyn, please text my daughter,
"Good job." Thank you.

She is online.
You ready?

Yeah, I'm ready.
Oh.

Take that down.

Hey, Ma, it's Gabi.

Can you read me?

Not a walkie-talkie,
Mom.

I thought this Escape thing is
supposed to let me see people.

I don't see diddly.

It's "Skype, " not "Escape."
Now just press "start video."

I did.

Try again.
Click the picture of the video camera.

Well, I don't have
one of them.

Yes, you do, Mom.

No, I do not have
a damn picture of a video...

- Okay, I did.
- Hi.

Oh, you got the crystal.
I sent it early.

Didn't want to risk it being
late for Mother's Day.

I know I'd never
hear the end of that.

Oh, I love it.

I'm not so sure about this
color-changing mumbo jumbo.

Oh, and I love that TV
shopping host, Miranda.

Do you know anybody
who knows her?

She's in a hotel in Atlanta.

Uh, no, I don't.

But, um, there's someone
here who knows you.

I can't do it.

You don't have to do it.
Where did she go?

All I see is bricks.

Hello?

Hello?
Uh...

Hi, Mom.

Oh.

Do I know you?

It's nice to see you, too.

Finally calling to apologize
after all this time.

Nope, just calling to call.

Gabi told me you're not dating
that Indian fellow anymore.

Finally came to your senses.

But I'm not going to rub your face
in it and say, "I told you so,"

but I told you so.

Okay. Where's Dad?

He's having lunch.

Hi, Dad!

Oh!

There's my little girl,
on the TV.

I'm glad to see you
talking with your mama.

'Bout time you apologized.

Well, you're
looking good, Dad.

No, he thinks so.

Oh, I have to say, Jess,
you haven't aged that much.

Thank you.

How come you can't
find a successful man

like your sister did,
that Steven fellow?

I mean, believe me,
I love Gabi,

but she looks way too
much like your father

to be the one to
catch a man first.

Thanks, Mom.

Well, I called to say hi

and I also called to tell you

that no matter what's happened between us,
you're always my mother.

So, I wanted
to tell you about...

What?

Hey, look, it's Mommy
and Aunt Gabi.

I've got to go.
I've got to go.

You want to tell me
about what?

- Hi, you wanna see her?
- Hi, guys. Hi.

And she's gone.

Well, at least
she called you.

Maybe she got a date.

Hi, sweetie.
Hey, bubs.

Who were you
talking to?

Snapchatting.

Oh, what are you, 12?

No, it's fun.

This is so
exciting, you guys!

Your first sleepover with
Dad and his new person.

What do you want
us to call her?

Do you want us to
call her "Mom," too?

No, absolutely not.

You just call her
what comes naturally,

but I would say
"ma'am" is good.

Hey!

What's up, boys?

Hey, Henry.
Yeah?

Hi, Sandy.

Hi, Tina.

Hi, boys.

Hi.
Wow!

Oh, gosh,
congratulations.

Thank you.
Isn't it so exciting?

It's thrilling.

I thought you'd
moved back to LA.

Yeah, just
for a minute.

Ah. People said
I should model.

Yeah.

But somebody convinced me
to move back here.

Boys, I made cookies.

For Peter, guitars,
and for Mikey, baseballs.

Thanks.
Oh. Thanks, Tina.

These are great.

Yeah, come on inside.

Okay, bye, guys.

- Have fun.
- See you tomorrow.

Bye, Sandy.
Oh, um...

Tweet at me if you want to
check in or anything,

or check my Instagram.

I'll post some photos
when I get some cute ones.

Yeah, that's exciting.
Okay.

"Tweet at me."

She just... Did she just
say, "Tweet at me"? Did she?

I think she just said,
"Tweet me."

I didn't hear that.
Oh, Henry.

Oh, come on.
I knew she was younger, but...

She's almost 30.

"She's almost 30"?
In a few years.

My God.

And what is she wearing?

Uh...

What do you
want me to do?

Ask her to dress
more dowdy?

No, just tell her to dress,
put on a pair of pants.

That's not appropriate
for those kids.

You can see
everything's popping out.

Speaking of the kids.
What?

Mother's Day.

What about Mother's Day?

I was wondering if we could
take the kids for half the day

since Tina is
now technically...

Oh, stop.

No, no, no,
don't even say it, no.

You know what I mean.
No, no, no, no.

You got married
five seconds ago.

Can you just... Can we just
slow this down a little bit?

You're angry.
It's all right.

Well, at least consider
it for the boys' sake.

I just did.
Okay.

You can...

She can have Flag Day,
Groundhog Day,

any of those days,
Father's Day.

Well, I was just asking.

Yeah, I know,
and you did.

Unbelievable.

I'm sorry to interrupt
your spa,

but Miranda's agent, Lance Wallace,
wants to see you right away.

Lance, I'm here.
I'm here. Okay, okay.

Miranda okays
the book-signing poster,

and the essay
winners are ready.

All right, now she wants to
know some interior designers.

She hates the look
of the show.

Well, we've gotten a few
requests from some designers.

But this one
I liked the best.

Her name is Sandy Newhouse.
All right, why?

She lives in Atlanta.

She's designed living rooms,
upscale restaurants,

and a five-star hotel lobby.

All right, well,
she looks smiley and happy.

Make sure she meets Miranda
before we check out.

Okay, and make-up...
Goal!

Hey, hey, hey!

Hey, wait a minute.
Hey!

Hey there, Messi!

This is not a stadium,
it's a lobby!

No, no, no.
A lobby.

These are the kids of the
big shot HSN executive.

We're entertaining
them this week.

Hey, mister,
can I have my ball back?

There we go.
All right! Soccer rules!

Soccer rules!

Are they gonna be with us all week,
those kids?

Yes, they are.

Doin' it all for my baby

'Cause he's as
fine as he can be

Not him, it's you.

Dad, dinner's ready.

Doin' it all for my baby

For everything
he does for me

I'm doin' it,
doin' it, doin' it

Doin' it, doin' it, yeah

Doin' it, doin' it...

Mom loved karaoke.

Remember?

Oh, yes, I certainly do.

Come on,
let's eat, Dad. Come on.

Let's go.

Come on!

Okay. Okay.
What are you doing?

This karaoke video is
just for you, Bradley.

And to my chubbos back home,
Rachel and Vicky.

I love you so much.

I'll be home before you know it.

Love you.

Love you guys.

Yeah, could you go to the
supermarket for me, please?

Yeah, yeah, of course.

I can, uh...
Yeah, what, uh...

What do we need?

Uh, we need juice, eggs...
Uh-huh.

Eggs.

Bread, of course.
Yup.

Um, we need bananas and tampons.
Mmm-hmm.

Yeah.

Uh... Um...

What was that?

Tampons.

Maybe that's something
that can wait, you think?

Uh... No.

I'm just going
to write "T."

I'll know what
that means.

Okay, good.
Mmm-hmm.

Okay, there you go.

Oh, I miss you guys so much.

Mom, we just saw you,
like, two hours ago.

I know, I know,
but I love you,

and I miss you
when you're not here.

So... Hey, are you guys sure you
want to stay at Daddy's tonight

because I could...
Bye, Mom.

Okay, bye.

Me, too, I'm in.

- All in.
- One, two, three!

Oh, my gosh.

Oh, I won again.
No way.

So, Mother's Day is coming and I
will be spending it with my mother.

I brought her out
with my most recent boyfriend

and he leaves
for the bathroom,

not even out of earshot,
and she's like,

"Well, he's
all right, I guess,

"but is that the nose you want
to see on your little girl?"

That's my time.

Thank you so much, everyone.

That was
Genevieve Joy.

Once again,
ladies and gentlemen,

welcome to the
Buckhead Comedy Contest

with your host,
former used car legend

and now comedy club owner,
Mr. Wally Burn.

Thank you, thank you.

All right, this next guy
coming out,

he's a guy from
the island across the pond

that gave us colonialism, Hugh Grant
and the plague.

Please put your hands
together for Zack Zim.

Zack Zim, have fun!

Good evening, hey, I'm Zack,
originally from Britain,

now living out here in Atlanta, Georgia,
with my girlfriend,

my girlfriend who recently had a baby.

No, uh, don't applaud.

Um, it's not mine.

No, she is, I hope.

She's amazing.
My girlfriend is American,

but she is desperate for our
child to have a British accent.

That's all she wants.
She won't talk to our child, seriously.

I have to read to
Katie every night.

All the other kids
are watching Sesame Street.

Our baby is sat down
in front of Downton Abbey.

You notice I say
"girlfriend," five years,

we're still not married,
and, boy, have I asked.

It was a struggle enough
to get her to update

her Facebook
profile from "single."

I was like, "Five years,
we have a child together.

"Couldn't you at least make it,
'it's complicated'?"

And it makes
it awkward, though,

like, how do you
introduce each other?

When I introduce Kristin,

I introduce her as
the light of my life,

the song of my soul, the mother
of my child.

And she introduces
me as her roommate.

And a great big happy almost
Mother's Day to you terrific...

Hey.

Can we, um, just go back to the
not married thing for a sec?

Oh, Come on,
please, I am so tired.

I am so tired.

I love you, Kristin,
and I do want to marry you.

But I think I don't feel like
getting turned down anymore.

There's something you're not telling me,
but you can.

Whatever it is, we'll get through it,
if we're committed.

I don't know.

Zack, I just...

I don't know. Um...

I don't know either.

So, do you
want to take a break?

What? No, never.

I just... I need
a little bit more time.

I won't wait forever.

I know,
I'll take it.

I'll take it.
Can I have a kiss, too?

Mama wants a kiss.

Oh, thank you.
Mama kiss.

- Mama kiss.
- Mama kiss.

Sandy?

Hi.
Hi.

Hey!

Hi, hi, hi.
Hi, hello.

This is my friend Kristin.

Hey, Kristin.

That's her
little one, Katie.

Kristin and I met
at Mommy and Me.

Oh, sweet.

So, how'd it go?

I got the interview.
Great.

I don't know what's going to happen,
but, you know,

at least I... I'm just
hoping to have something

to keep my mind
off of all of the...

- Yeah.
- You know.

So, Sandy's ex-husband
just got remarried...

Oh...
... to, like, a 12-year-old.

Oh!
Yeah. So...

Well, I was actually going to say
carpooling and bagging lunches,

- but, you know, or that.
- Okay, I'm sorry!

I'd like to get my
mind off of that.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry!
No, it was just,

we were on the topic
of marriage

and she's got cold feet, which is...
Oh...

I get that.
I get that.

So, that's what's happening here.

Yeah.
Hi!

- Yeah, we get it.
- But you know what?

You don't know until you give
it a shot is the truth, right?

Yeah.

Really? Were you, like, sure?
Uh-uh.

Are you ever sure?

I was sure.

You were sure?
You were totally sure?

100%, going Indian
all the way.

Huh. I mean, I was 100%
certain I wanted kids.

Yeah, well,
that, of course.

I mean, I can't imagine...
Just the other stuff I don't know about.

Well, that's you guys.

I'm not the best person
to be giving marital advice.

No, no,
I do need to hear

because it's the divorce
thing that scares me,

because I don't know what that
would be like for her and...

You don't go into a marriage thinking
you're going to get a divorce.

- Obviously.
- Nobody does.

You know,
life happens and if it does,

then you've got a lot
more closet space...

Yeah.

Extra sink, no snoring,
you know, a lot of positives.

Yeah.

You're really just doing what's
best for the kids, right?

And yourself, but the kids.

By the way, your child is
eating sand, if you...

Tanner, don't eat that.

There's cat poop in it.

That's so gross.

What if there is cat poop...
No, he's fine.

They survive...

Cat poop... and then they
grow up to be just like us.

Yeah, and they have
a very healthy immune system.

- Anyway, I'm going to go to the kids' show.
- Okay.

Hey, if you're going to come,
will you just text me?

It was
nice meeting you.

Nice to meet you.
And I'll save you a seat?

Yes.

Okay, or tweet at me.

Yeah, I'll text...
I'll tweet...

What? Tweet you?

- Yeah, see, right? That didn't sound right.
- Mmm-mmm.

What is that?
I was just trying it out.

Okay, bye.

Kristin, what's wrong?

What happened?

Are you okay?

I love Zack, but there's a
reason I'm afraid of marriage.

Um...

The truth is I have no
idea who the hell I am.

That's a big one.

I was adopted.

Oh, okay.

And I never met my
biological mother.

You never
told me that.

Never told anyone
that, only Zack.

And I've always wondered,
did she just throw me away?

Or, you know, was there a
reason she got rid of me?

Aw.
I have abandonment issues.

Honey, I'm sure you have
a million questions,

but then you know
what you have to do.

You have to
find your mother.

I already did.

Then I'm missing
the point.

I've no...
What do you mean?

I mean,
I have her address,

I just haven't had
the courage to contact her.

I'm really scared.

God, of course. That's...

Who wouldn't be?
I mean, that's crazy.

You don't even know what
she's going to be like.

You don't even
know your mother

and she has this
power over you.

You're going to have to
face it sooner or later.

You can do it.
Really?

Yes, you should just do it.
Yeah.

You're right, you're right,
you're right.

Okay.
Yeah, and get it over with.

You're, you know...
I mean, now you'll face it.

Yeah, I'm going to do it.
You're right, you're right, you're right.

I'm going to do it. I got it.

You will have it.

Thanks, Jess.

Hi, I'm Bobby Lee,

principal here at Millard
Fillmore Middle School.

And we're really
excited about this show.

We're gonna start
in a few minutes.

The kids are very excited and later,
we're going to be...

Sandy, hi.

...featuring the Fillmore band in concert.
How about that?

What are you doing here?

I didn't think
you'd mind. Here.

I kind of mind.

I had to hear Peter's riff.

We were up late last
night working on it.

You were
working on Peter's riff?

Yeah, I was in an
all-girl band in high school.

My gosh,
Peter's gotten so good.

You know, we just want
to encourage his music,

so we're taking the boys to the Foo
Fighters concert this weekend. But...

What? Don't say
anything to Peter.

It's a surprise.

And don't even get me
started on Dave Grohl.

Don't tell Henry.

Okay, Tina, Tina, Tina,
Tina, that's it.

I'm done. I'm done
with surprises.

I really am. This week,
enough surprises, seriously.

Okay, is something wrong?

Yes, something is wrong.

I got here an hour early,
so I could get a front row seat,

and have a perfect camera
angle and watch my children.

And now you're sitting
right here next to me.

Because the seat was open.

It was for my purse, my purse's seat, okay?
My purse's seat is right here.

God, you cannot just show up
here late and then sit there.

You just can't
do that. We need...

We need boundaries.

We need some rules, Tina.

Rules?

Like, sitting in
an open seat?

I don't know what
the rules are yet, Tina.

I don't know what they are,
but I just know we have them,

and you're breaking all of them.
Okay.

- I've just gotta get...
- Ladies and gentlemen,

Animals on Parade!

Old MacDonald had a farm
Ee I ee I oh

And on his farm
he had a penguin...

What, why?

He also had a helper,
it seems.

Oh, there's Mikey.
Hi, honey.

A lion! He's got a...

Oh, my God,
the costume's on backwards.

He had a lion...

Did you do that?

Peter.

Don't touch it,
don't touch it.

Ee I ee I oh

Yeah, that's good.

The producers have asked
to push the crystals.

Traffic has slowed down.

Five, four, three, two...

Welcome back, everyone.

All right, dads and husbands,

take a look at these
beautiful mood pendants.

Mother's Day, just a few days away,
this is your chance.

And we're clear.

We need a price check
on organic cotton...

No, that's not necessary.

They are...
They're 9 bucks.

They're 9 bucks each.

Cancel that price check on tampons,
the organic cotton ones.

Daughter?

Oh, uh, yeah.

Two actually, but only one is currently,
you know, becoming a woman.

Got you.

Yeah, their mom
used to do this, but...

Well, I do it now.

Same boat, two sons.

How is that the same boat?

I guess just the number.

Sorry, I don't usually eavesdrop
on other people's carts.

It's just... I'm Sandy,
I have two sons.

I already said that.

Yes, you did.

I can take you over here.
Oh, thank you.

Sandy, two sons, same boat.

Oh, thank you.

All right, well, bye.

Yeah, it was nice meeting you,
Sandy with two sons.

It was two, right?

Yeah.

Hey, Henry, what's up?

Hey, are the boys'
passports up to date?

Their passports?

I am planning our
summer vacation.

Um...

Okay, where are you
planning this vacation?

We're going to Paris.
Tina's never been.

Paris, uh, France?

Uh-huh.

Are you kidding me?

No, I'm not. Why?

I got to go.

Bye.

Hello?

Hello?

So, how'd she take it?

Like a champ.

Oh, you've got to
be kidding me!

Paris?

Paris, Paris, Paris!

That's...

We could not get our shit together
for 13 years to get to Paris.

Now he's taking Tina. Tina.

Now he's taking Tina.

It's the only place I've wanted to go
since I was a kid and I read Madeline!

I don't even think she knows
who the hell Madeline is!

Oh, my God,
this is not happening!

This is not
happening!

Oh, man, you know, you couldn't
have taken her to London

or to fuckin'
Disneyland maybe?

I don't know,
how about take her to the prom?

That's somewhere I bet
she hasn't been yet.

Jesus...

Freaking Tina!

I'd hate to see
her in traffic.

Yeah.

That's it.

That's it, go!

Over here!

Cross it!

That's it. Rachel's open.

There you go. That's it.

Yeah, move it!

Hurry!

Goal!

Did not cross
the line! No goal!

What? What?
What are you talking about?

Go back to your coaching area!

No, no, no, no,
not until you reverse that call, man.

I'm warning you.

Hey, you're warning me what?
Look at the crowd.

Easy, mister.
I've got this, Lisa.

What? There's not
many of them.

No, no, look at them.

Okay, you've got,
like, five dozen

different recorded
versions of that play

you completely
missed right there.

Why don't you
just walk over there

and ask one of them
to replay it for you,

then you'll see you're wrong,
we'll win the game

and then you can stumble home
with your seeing-eye dog.

That's it.

Yellow card!

Yellow card?
Are you...

Oh, he blew
another man's whistle.

Did you just blow my whistle?
You're damn right.

You do not blow
another man's whistle.

You do when he
blows the game for you!

All right,
that's it, red card!

You're gone.

I'm gone? Okay,
good to know.

Okay, you know what?
I'm gone.

Now your ball's gone.
That's what's gone, okay?

Hey, Kimberly!

Oh, I've got to go!

- You take over, okay?
- Yeah, you better go.

Yeah, thank you.
If anybody's looking for me,

I'll be out in the parking lot
calling LensCrafters,

making that guy
an appointment!

Baby, you better go.
You're going to get hurt.

Spare ball, please.

Knucklehead!

All right, you're gone.

You... A pox
upon your whistle.

Play ball!

Next.

Yeah, hi.
Could we get a large pizza?

What kind you want?
Cheese.

Large cheese pizza
and three sodas to go.

Wait over there, please.

Where'd you hear that "pox on my whistle"?
What's that from?

Shakespeare.
Shakespeare, huh?

William Shakespeare?

No, Bob Shakespeare.

Who else would it...

Why are you talking
to me like this?

You, too, now?

I can't
believe we lost.

I think
that ball was deflated.

Totally.

Tom Brady is hot.

Hey, want to go
get some ice cream?

As a makeup present?

Make up for what?

Acting like Mopey Dick
half the time.

I'm sorry, Mopey Dick?

Yeah, being sad
all the time,

obsessing over soccer
so you can get closer to Mom,

watching those
videos over and over.

She's gone, Dad, and we're all sad,
but for how long?

And acting like an asshole with
that ref doesn't help anyone.

Hey, watch your language.

You know what?
Yeah, I cuss.

That's because I'm
an unsupervised teen

and while I'm at it,
I don't mind taking care of Vicky

and doing all the housework
and the cooking.

Dad, I'm only 16,
I have a life.

I know, okay?

Tommy's here.
I've got to go.

Wait, where are you going?
Just stop.

Is this the boy
that likes you?

Hey, Rachel,
what are you doing?

Go, come on.

Rachel,
get out of the car.

Get out.

You're going to roll
up the window on me.

Hey, wait until it stops
and then get out of the car.

Unbelievable.

But my friend comes
to me and she goes,

"Oh, my God, Mia,
I have met the perfect guy for you."

She shows me his picture,
and this dude was at least 75, okay?

And I am not.

And I said, "Um, his eyes
have cataracts,

"mine have hope, okay?"

She is killing 'em.

She's also
killing the boss.

Oh, I'm so sorry!
Are you okay?

Yes, I'm fine, I'm fine.

Do you know where the pool is?
I'm looking for Miranda Collins.

Yeah, it's right
through that door.

- But, can I help you with the rip?
- No, I'm...

Sorry, watch out behind you.
Sorry, sorry, sorry!

Thank you. You sure I
can't help with the rip?

I got a safety pin.

No, no, thank you,
I'm late for a meeting.

Bigger smile.
Bigger smile, yeah.

There you go. Perfect.

Have a nice day.
Next.

Thank you.

Congratulations.

No, no, no.
No, no, no, no! Shoot!

One more.

Ma'am, these are contest winners.
Only they get pictures.

I'm not... I'm actually
not here for a picture.

I'm here to
show Miranda this.

Fine, stay here.

But, there's actually...
Hey, hey, hey!

How cute.

That's very sweet.
Miranda!

I'm sorry, that's...
Congratulations.

I'm not a contest winner.

Then why am I
hugging you?

I'm sorry. I'm late.
I'm here for the interview.

We're not doing
any press today.

No. I'm not
interviewing you.

She's interviewing me.
You need to calm down.

I need to calm down?
I'm not here for a photograph.

I'm here for a job.

Oh, you must be Sandy.

Yes, I'm Sandy!

Yes! Well, you missed
the design meeting.

Miranda is a very
busy person.

Oh, really?
Is Miranda busy?

Well, I would have
been here on time

if my ex-husband
hadn't married a tween,

or if my doctor had called in
my child's asthma medication,

or if my mother-mobile
went faster

than 4 miles per
hour on the freeway.

But I understand it. I get it.
Her time is very valuable.

And she's very busy.
My time is not.

My bra's on inside out.

Would you like me
to help you with your bra?

No! Uh... Thank you, though.

I like your blouse.

Thank you. I just made this.

Next.

Look at me, look right here.

It's not a date. Oh, just...

Great.

That's a waste of my time.

Oh, I'm Miranda.
I'm the busiest woman in the world.

Where is she, Betty?

There she is,
talking to herself.

Thanks, Betty.

Excuse me, ma'am.

I'm sorry, Miss Collins
would like to see you now.

She would?
Yes.

Okay.

Oh, shoot!

Um...

One second, one second.

Can I help you with something?

Watch yourself.
Don't get stuck in there now.

Would you...
Okay, sure.

I got it. I got it.
Yep.

Okay?
Yes, I got it.

You sure you got everything?
Hello in there.

You want this back?
No, no, no.

No, okay.

Uh, okay, so,
I was trying to create

a little bit more
flow and, um...

Gosh, your head just really
snapped right off there.

Anyhow.

So, that's why I kind of
rounded out these edges

a little bit and
opened it up.

And also, um...

How long has
your son had asthma?

His whole life.

But the doctors say that they
can grow out of it sometimes.

Do you have kids?
No.

Career.
Sure.

Keeps me busy.

Yeah, of course.

Tell me more about this
tween and your ex-husband.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, I'm sure I exaggerated
about that a little bit.

I'm sure she's older,
but I'll have a better idea

once all the acne clears up.

You're funny.

You have to be
more fun than she is.

I am, I am.

Well, you should hold on to that.
Yeah.

Yeah.

Okay, I feel like I should keep
pitching you my... The set, so...

No, not at all.
You're hired.

That's it?
Mmm-hmm.

And I dare say with this new job,
you might be able to afford

a slightly faster car.

Not a Maserati,
but slightly faster car.

I'm so sorry for that
explosion out there.

Don't be. It got our
attention, didn't it?

Also a trait to hold on to.

Okay, thank you.

I'll hold on to that, and
I'm funny... I've a lot to hold on to.

I know that you're
very busy, Miranda, so...

One last thing.

There is one final
souvenir to give away,

though you were not
an essay-contest winner.

Thank you. 100% gold-plated
hypoallergenic bangle.

Oh.
Just for you.

Oh, my gosh.
This has been a great day.

Jess, our blender's broken.
We're using yours.

Okay.
Hey.

Hi.

Where's Russell and the kids?

Oh, they're out in the garage popping
the bubble wrap on the float.

It's them. You answer it.

It's your Skype.

It's your parents.

Your parents, too.

You know what?

This is something that I can do for you,
is answer and talk to them.

Thank you.
But I'd rather do this.

Oh, my God.

Dad.

Hi, Jess.

I want to talk to you about a
Mother's Day present for my old lady.

Uh...

The old lady,
meaning my mother?

Yeah, I've got the greatest
idea in the world.

Okay.

A present that's going to knock
your mama plum out of her panties.

Whoo!

Dad, that is a really
interesting visual.

What are you
guys talking about?

Mom, I thought... Dad, I thought
you wanted it to be a surprise?

Oh, it will be.

Come in, door's open.

Hello?

Hello? Dad?

Surprise!

Oh, my God!
That was... What?

What?

Yes, you have that here now.

That's crazy.

Gabi!

Gabi!

Oh, it's you guys.

Yeah, it is!

Oh, sweetheart.

Gabi, you're not
going to believe it.

You guys are
supposed to be in Texas.

I lied.

We've been driving
20 hours straight.

I thought with us making up
on the Skype and all

and Gabi's engagement,

what a great
Mother's Day surprise,

a couple of days early.

Mom, Dad!

What are you guys doing here?

Yay!

Oh!

Hi, Daddy.

Hi, sweetheart.

Hey, listen. Uh, where's
the little ladies' room?

- Down the hall.
- I'll be right back.

I just can't
take him anywhere.

Oh...
Oh!

Well, I'll say,
this is some kind of casa.

Thank you.

That's not good.
It's not good.

You need to call Russell.
Text Russell right now.

Okay.

Text Russell, tell him
don't leave the garage

and don't let the kids
get out of the garage.

Just stay in the garage.

Oh, look at that picture.

I don't like it.

I don't live here.

Uh... Oh, hello there,
I'm Gabi's mom.

You must be Steven.

Oh!

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, I thought
you were someone else.

You're Gabi's mom?

Yes, and who are you?
Oh.

Um, I'm,...

I'm Max, I'm Gabi's partner.

In crime. This is her
partner in crime, Max.

Well, good as new.

Oh.

You got any beer?

Yes.

We could always
go out for a beer.

Uh, uh...

Hoegaarden, Stella...

No.
Kingfisher...

It sounds like
the freakin' United Nations.

Uh, no, no, I'll import
some American brew from my RV.

Be right back.

Where is Steven?

Oh.

Good luck.
Steven is...

Steven.

The one that...

Gabi's fiancé.

I'm excited to meet
my future son-in-law.

Are you? Okay.

Mom, um,
there is no Steven.

Max is my partner.

Your business partner?

No, um, my life partner.

Your li...

Uh, what...

I'm Gabi's wife.

Huh?

We're wives.

No! No!

What did I miss?
Oh!

A heck of an episode
of The Jerry Springer Show.

Doesn't get any
better than Jerry.

Hey, Jesse, why am I
staying in the... Oh, hello.

And we are back from commercial.
Go back.

Are you the houseboy?

No, who the hell are you?

Well, I'm Jesse's father.

Okay, that's not funny, pal,

because Jesse's
father and mother

are in a dementia
facility in Arizona, right?

Dementia, my butt.

We live in Texas.

You're going to tell me
that you're Jesse's mother?

Oh, yeah.

Well, who in
the Sam H. are you?

Well, I am Jesse's husband,
I think.

Are we on The Jerry Springer
Show right now?

Are we?
Wait, wait, wait.

Jesse's not married.

Oh, oh, yes, she is.

Yes, she is, to me.

To him.

Oh, holy hell.

You've got a towel-head
for a husband?

I thought you
broke up with him.

Okay, FYI, towel-head,
super offensive. So...

It's very offensive.

You got married and
you didn't tell us?

So is Gabi and
to a gay person.

What?
Mom, I'm a gay person.

She is a gay person.

Sweet jumpin' Jesus.

Let's go, Flo.

There's a whole lot
of life going on here

that has nothing
to do with us.

This isn't the surprise
I was looking for.

You'll be fine
and so will he.

Oh, thanks, Mom.

Just get a divorce
before he gets you pregnant.

Amen.

Tanner needs you,
Uncle Russell.

Hey, buddy, come here.

Who are they?

Uh, this is ours. Hi.

Tanner.

Can you say hi?

Say hi, Grandma, hi, Grandpa.

Yes.

And, uh, Charlie is my child.

That I adopted.

I came from a sperm donor.
That's right.

He might have been named Steven.
Mmm-hmm.

Those were your grandparents.
Mmm-hmm?

And I put on a bra for this?

Oh.

Look, it's black.

Oh! Now,
that's the last straw.

What?

The tire, it's flat.
Oh.

Don't worry, Fluffy.

We'll get it fixed tomorrow.

The tire, maybe.

You don't need this.

Look, you told me that your parents
were mentally incapacitated.

Trust me, they are.

Oh? They are, and besides,
it was our first date.

Okay, who doesn't lie
on their first date?

Oh, really? Well, what about
our second date and 50th date

and what about the, um...

Hey! Oh! The time that we
had a child together?

Do you realize that you lied to me
about your parents?

I lie to everybody
about my parents.

Oh, that's reassuring.

I lie about my horrible
life in that trailer park.

I was a freshman in high school,
saving every dime that I had

so that I could
just get out of there.

No graduation,
cap, gown, on a bus.

Good, I get it,
you hate your parents.

No, I don't hate them.

They're my parents,
so I love them, but...

Honey, it's not...

It's just that they're
wrong about so much

and they're wrong
about how they treat people,

they're wrong about how they
honor people's differences...

You know what's
the worst part,

is that you lied
to them about me.

Why? Because it's so
terrible to be married to a towel-head!

How embarrassing for you.

Yeah, they should have
called me Dr. Towel-Head.

Where are you going?

Ready?

Good.

Okay.

Good!

How'd I do?

Amazing. You were so good.
Yeah. Yeah.

It was really...
Help?

Oh, oh, sorry, sorry.

Um, I think
I'm going to go to yoga.

Yeah, yeah, please.

No, yeah,
a little safer, I guess.

Hey, look,
I need your guys' help.

Oh!

Yeah, we've got
the perfect girl for you.

No, no, no, not that.

Look, um,
I want to know everything

you guys know
about this Tommy kid.

I like his mother, Denise.
I know!

She's always
volunteering for school.

That's nice.

Her banana bread is nothing
to write home about.

It's dry on a good day.

Okay, I don't need you talking
trash about her bake sale goods.

Look, I want to know,
should I let her date him?

Do you have a choice?

Where's the yoga class?

It's right over there.
It starts at 10:00.

Sorry.

Where's he going?

Hey, what are you
doing back there?

Uh... Just checking your form.

It's good. Nice job.

Buns of steel, right?

No, no, no. Yeah, I have a choice, okay?
I'm her father.

Hmm. If you say no,
they start rebelling,

start telling lies
and keeping secrets.

Sneaking out, running away.

Yeah, it could lead to meth,
prostitution and possibly dating a drummer.

Okay, look, that's not
helpful right now.

I want to know one thing,
is he a nice boy or not a nice boy?

That's it.
All redheads are nice.

I think he's a nice boy.
Yeah.

He's all right.

So, what about Mother's Day?

Uh, I'll be back.

Sleep tight, Katie.

All right,
finally got her down to sleep

just in time for
you to take her home.

Hello, I'm sensing
some disappointment.

I would have heard back
from the club by now.

I don't get it.
I thought I killed.

I'm sure you murdered,
destroyed, annihilated.

I must have been better
than the girl with the banjo.

Hey, you are the most
talented comic in this town.

We open in 10 minutes, people.

Sh... What are you, Shorty?

No, I'm just yelling for two.
Ah.

Oh, oh...

Um, Zack, is there any way that
you can watch Katie tomorrow?

I told Val that I'd take her
to a doctor's appointment.

You're taking me to
my doctor's appointment. Yup.

A llama? I would love... Yes.

They would love that.

Okay. Oh, sorry.
You know what?

Can I call you right back?
I have to call you right back.

Thank you.

Hey, Jesse! Honey, I need you to come
over Saturday morning with Tanner.

Well, I'm having
a small party for the kids.

Don't you think
they would like a llama

way more than they'd
like the Foo Fighters?

I mean, come on.

Earl, I'm looking at the
girls when they were younger.

Loving can hurt

Loving can hurt sometimes

But it's the only
thing that I know

We keep this love
in a photograph

We made these memories
for ourselves

Where our eyes
are never closing

Hearts are never broken

Time's forever frozen still

I will remember
how you kissed me

Under the lamppost
Back on 6th street

Hearing you whisper
through the phone

"Wait for me
to come home"

Hello, everybody!
Welcome to Sandy's party!

All right!

We've got Bella
the Balloon Lady,

we've got Marty,
the animal wrangler!

Hi! We've got
Pinwheel painting faces,

and a big slide!

Wow.
Hi.

This is something.

Yeah, I don't know
what happened.

I just called to rent
Bella the Balloon Lady,

and I just couldn't
stop saying yes.

No, no, I like it.

- And then all of this.
- Can we go see the llama?

Yeah, why don't you go.

Let me talk to Sandy.

Go to the petting
zoo, honey.

Tortoises, bunnies...

Come on, Tanner.

So, you have not
heard from Russell?

Not a peep, radio silence.

Oh, God. I'm so sorry.

Well, at least you
have Tanner, you know?

He won't bite.

Of course, until the day
that you get a divorce

and then you have to have
that 50/50 shared custody

and then it's just,
like, hell.

That's my life.
Wait a second.

That's not your life,
that's my life.

Indians don't
really get divorced.

Tire's good.

I'm all packed.

Now, we can put a whole lot of
gone between us and these, uh...

These, uh...

Oh!

Hot damn!

What is it, Earl?

Someone stole
my ignition fuse!

What are we going to do now?

There's a Pep Boys
about a mile back.

I'm going to start walking.

Yeah!

Can I ride the llama?

No.
How about the alpaca?

It's a fun party.

Can you open this, Sam?
Yeah, we can't open...

Sure.

Yeah, hey,
how are you doing?

Hey, I'm doing good.
You like some spaghetti?

I'm good, thanks.

You don't like
any spaghetti.

Back up, Bozo.

Oh.
The fireworks arrived.

So, I'm going to
go check on Tanner.

Sandy, what's going on?
Yeah. Hey.

Oh, I so...

I'm so sorry.
I completely lost track of time.

I'm supposed to
drop the boys off.

I'm so sorry.
What is all this?

It's a party.
For what?

For fun, on a Saturday...
For fun on a Saturday,

a party for fun
on a Saturday.

This is completely
unlike you.

What do you mean?
It feels totally like me.

This is completely
irresponsible.

Irresponsible?
I'm irresponsible?

You can call me
a lot of things,

but irresponsible
is not one of them.

Listen to me,
when was the last time

you took the kids
to a dentist?

Huh?

Or to go buy them,
you know, school supplies

or one of the gazillion
things that I do?

Oh, that's right.
Never.

You have a parental
and legal responsibility

to drop the kids off
at the designated time.

Today is Saturday.

We have them at noon.

You have them tomorrow
on Mother's Day.

Let's go, Mikey, time to go.
Do we have to?

Yes, now, we do.
Where's your brother?

He's on the slide.
Go get your stuff.

Peter. Let's go.

Get down here
right now.

No way, I'm not leaving.
Mom said we can have fun.

I don't care what your mom said.
I'm in charge now.

I'm going to count to three
and then I'm coming up there,

one, two, three.
Here I come.

I'm coming up.

Hey. Come on,
Peter. Peter!

Got to catch me first.

Go get your stuff!

Hey, get your stuff.

Oh, sweetie, I wouldn't
touch that if I were... That...

But I like orange.

Damn it, Peter.

Hey, we've got to go.

Oh, well, in that case,
sure, you know, go ahead.

What the...

Yo!

Hello!

Hey! This thing is... God.

Welcome to the book
signing, everyone.

We're here because there's
so few book stores left,

but there will
always be books.

Thank you very much.

Who shall I
make it out to?

Rory Schroeder.

Rory.

Every piece of jewelry I own
is from your collection.

I love them,
and so does Jerald.

But they look
better on me.

Who shall I make it out to?

Your daughter.

So, tell me,
why now?

Well, I just thought
because she was in Atlanta,

it would be a good time.

I see.

You know, you're the fourth person
to say they're her daughter.

Of course, after Forbes
listed Miranda as the top 50

female entrepreneurs
in this country, how convenient.

I have this.

Anybody could have forged
this and even if it's real,

you're not going to get
a dime out of her.

Okay, this was
a mistake. I...

Could you please
just let her know

that I never wanted
anything from her?

Well, that was historic.

That was a historic
disaster.

Oh...

I mean, this is
all so stupid.

This is so stupid.

Look at all this.
What am I doing?

I mean, you know...

Ugh, I feel like
such an idiot.

So, what I'm basically doing
is I'm trying to compete

with my ex-husband
and a 20-year-old.

That just makes a lot
of sense, right, Jess?

It's stupid.

You know what it is?

I just...
I just hate feeling so replaceable.

Well, sadly we all are.

Oh, geez, you scared
the crap out of me.

I mean, we're
all replaceable.

For every professional clown,
there's 100 hacks with a red nose and a wig

waiting to do the job.

Yeah, I understand.
Thanks, clown.

Jesse?

There's no way that the bond
you have with your kids

can ever be broken.

I mean, there's
no contest, right?

You're their mom.
Mmm-hmm.

Oh, let me help.

Oh...

Thank... Okay.

Yeah? See?

It's this, I get it,
never-ending scarf bit.

Yeah, it's the first time you
got to use this one today, huh?

Ah...

Got a smile from you.
That's great.

Do you mind if I rub...

Please.
Thank you very much.

It's always the traditional
things that work,

the bottomless
sleeve hanky,

the bottomless
cup of coffee,

the bottomless love
from a mother to her kids.

They know it's there.
Sometimes they just take it for granted.

Yeah.

So what if
the other girl is 20,

has great skin and probably
looks insane in a bikini?

Okay, that's good,
I get it.

Nice pep talk there, clown.

Thank you, clown.

Never thought I'd ever hear myself
say that, but thank you, clown.

My pleasure.

Mmm.

A heart-to-heart with a clown.

There was not
a soul to see that.

He could have murdered me.
Okay.

Jesse, you home?

Hey, I'm getting a beer!

Hello. Who are you?

Well, who are you?

Sonia, mother of Russell.

Yeah, well, I'm Florence,
mother of Jesse.

Florence, nice to meet you!

Ugh, I heard about your
surprise drop-in.

Are you okay?

I think so.

I'm not real sure.

Are you having a beer?

Yeah.

I think I'll join you.

To say the truth,

when Russell told me he was
in love with a white girl,

I wanted to punch a wall.

Well, at least
you knew about it.

And then they eloped

and they didn't even
invite me to the wedding.

They didn't even tell me.

Yeah, well, I'm double spitting
just thinking about it.

Thought I was finished with them,

but they're my baby girls.

But, Florence, have you
seen our grandchild? Oh...

I get why they
call him Tanner.

He's a little dark.

I think he's a little light.

Hey, what time
is it in India?

India? Who knows.

I live here in Las Vegas.

No taxes, and I play
the slots anytime I want.

Hey, smart move.

Plus, you can drive 20
miles in any direction

and find some sand
when you get homesick, right?

I don't get that joke,
but it sounds racist, and funny.

Hi, Grandma!

Hey.

Could you watch Tanner a minute?
I have to go pee.

Thank you.

Here we go!

I think you look
a little like me.

Uh-huh.

Yes, you do.

I think you do.

You look just like
me in the summertime.

Lakens, thank you
so much for coming.

We'll see you next time.

Well, everything
looks good here.

Will you be joining us for
tomorrow's Mother's Day brunch?

No, I'm working.
Oh...

Are you a mom?

No.

I don't suppose you'd like
a complimentary mum for Mum's Day?

No.

If you need anything,
just ask.

I'm sorry to interrupt
your dinner, my dear.

Fried green tomatoes.

Lance, you're my agent and I love you,
which is an oxymoron,

but if you are here for
some philosophical chat,

short, short would
be good here.

Yes, you know me as Lance Wallace,
agent to the stars.

You used to have
big stars.

Now you just have me.

Mmm.

But you really know
I was born in the Bronx

and my name was
Ramone Navarro,

who collected empty soda
bottles to get money to eat.

We are who the world thinks we
are and sometimes, we're not.

We decide who we are,

when we want and
who we want to know.

Or is it whom?

Are you done, Ramone?

Just doing my job,
to make sure

that nothing lowers
the kilowatts on that smile.

Hmm.

Oh, you're right, you're right,
that is the salad fork.

Hey, change of plan.

I got the call.

One of the girls
had to pull out.

She got a comedy
series for NBC.

It'll probably be canceled,
but anyway,

I'm in the final tonight.

Where are you?

I've got Katie.

She's fine.

Bye.

Good stuff.
Okay, next up.

Good night.

Oh...

I shouldn't be watching this.

Good night.

Good night.
Yeah, yeah, good night.

Good night.

I'm home.

Well, how...

Good night.

You used to say good night.

It'd take you hours
to say good night, actually.

Hey, honey,
where are you?

I'm getting worried.

If you're thinking
of splitting, please don't.

Let's just keep loving
each other and Katie.

I don't want to marry you.

I mean, I do
want to marry you,

but we don't
have to get married.

If you get this,
please come to the club.

I love you.

This competition
is worth $5,000.

Zack Zim, you're in
the finals, by default.

Good for you.
Aw...

That is the most adorable
baby I've ever seen.

Would you be able to watch
her while I do my set?

No.

Welcome to the stage,
Zack Zim.

Zack Zim, he's very...
Oh, that's you.

All right, go on
out there, kid.

Come on, I'm rooting for you.
I'll be out in front.

Uh...

Hello.

Um...

So, I'm Zack.

Uh, this is Katie.

Say hi.

She's a bit shy.

I'll just say this from the get-go,
this wasn't planned.

Coming out here with
her wasn't planned,

not she wasn't planned,

although to be fair,
you were a little bit of a surprise.

Didn't like that joke.

Uh...

So, does anyone in
here have a baby?

No, obviously you don't.

You're here having a life.

No, don't cry, stop crying.

Five grand at stake.

Mate, would you mind
holding her for a sec?

What's your name, pal?

Tiny.

Tiny, if you don't
mind me saying,

you look like you have
a very welcoming bosom.

May I rest my child on it?

Sure.

Just for a sec, thank you.

I mean, I don't know whether to be
pleased or just deeply offended.

How did you do that?

I'm soft, like a couch.

Please, will you
come and live with us?

I'm deadly serious.

I haven't slept in a year.

I'll take the couch.

My girlfriend's
very attractive.

Can your girlfriend
take the couch?

Oh, my girlfriend, yes.

That's my sister.

Hey, can everyone please give it
up for the world's biggest nanny?

Well done.

Thank you.
I'll take her back.

Bye.

Thank you.
Call me.

Whoa.

You know, being a dad
does change you.

I worry all the time.

Do I know when she's tired?

Not really.

When she's about to be sick?

Definitely not.

This is the last
good shirt that I own.

But her mother knows,

because in every
atom of their body,

they know what's right for their
children and for their families.

Anyway, speaking of parents,
I better get this one back to hers.

Hey, guys,
thank you very much.

I've been Zack Zim,
and this has been Katie.

Aw, what a cute baby.

I love babies.

We can have one
if you want.

It's our first date.

So, what are you
doing tomorrow?

Shut up.

I was freaking out.

I thought you bailed.
Where were you?

I'm sorry, you know, usual stuff,
meeting my real mom.

Your mom, what?

Yeah, it was awful.

Awful?

Just really made me appreciate
what I have. Totally.

You're the best.

We have
a unanimous winner.

Katie Zim.

Oh, and that guy
with her. Come on up.

Oh, my God.
Wait, wait, wait, take her.

She won, you just
held her props, really.

So, wait, your actual mother?

Just go get it.
Go, go, go, go, go.

Congratulations!

Zack Zim!

Yeah, we each
got our babies.

Happy Mother's Day!
Happy Mother's Day!

What? Oh, my God.

You guys...
You guys are the cutest.

The banana was my idea,
you know, to stay healthy.

It's perfect.
I love it.

Are those M&M pancakes?

Yeah.
Oh, boy.

Open my gift.

Okay, okay, okay.

Why?

That's the coolest potato man ever,
period, end of story.

That's awesome.

"Thanks for all
that you do.

"We appreciate you.

"Happy Mother's Day, Tina."

You gave her the
wrong gift, you dork.

Oops, sorry, Mom.

Oh, that's okay.
That's okay.

I love you, Mom.

Thank you. I love you.
This one's for you.

Okay, okay.

This is better
than the first one.

It's even better.

That's sweet.

I love him.
Thank you so much.

This is for you.

Thanks, babe.

Did you get
a card for Tina, too?

Yeah, but a totally
different one.

I can throw Tina's
away if you want.

No.

No, no, no, no,
I don't want you to do that.

But you're so sad.

Oh, okay, listen, here,
take this over there for a second.

Get in here.

Get in here.

Vicky, Rachel,
where are you guys?

Come on, let's wake up,
have a little breakfast, huh?

Guys, don't make me
come up there.

It's too late.

Come on,
let's go, up and at 'em.

Hey.

Hey, Vicky!

Rachel, where are you?

Hey, Kimberly,
I can't talk right now.

I don't know
where my girls are.

The girls are with me.

What are you
talking about, where?

I love you so much,

and, you know, it's just...
It's hard to share, you know?

Sort of like how you feel about your
LEGO pirate ship.

You know how you didn't
want anyone to touch it?

Yeah, well,
that's kind of how I feel.

But you remember
how good you felt

when you saw
how happy Nick was

when he was able to walk
Peg Leg down the plank?

Right?

Yeah, that's because it's really,
really good to share.

It's really good.

In fact, as I say this,
you know what,

I think I'm going to take you over to
Daddy's a little later on today, okay?

So you can give Tina
her awesome potato man.

You're really
going to share?

Yeah.

Yep, I'm going to
share, for an hour.

An hour, maybe two.
I'll see how I feel.

How do you
feel about that?

Yeah.
Yeah?

We're gonna grab some lunch
and we'll see you at the parade.

Have fun.

Bye, Max.

Were you summoned, too?

Yep, just wondering if I'm
going to get an opportunity

to have a last meal.

Doubtful.

I mean, they can't
ground us anymore, can they?

You lied to your mother.

Mom made me live
alone in college

'cause she didn't want me to
have a minority roommate.

Yeah, and she spanked me when
I said I wanted to dress up

like a guy for Halloween.

I didn't think Liberace was an
appropriate costume for a little girl.

Do they
know we're coming?

Yeah,
I called Daddy earlier.

I'll pick you up tonight,
just before dinner, okay?

Bye, Mom.
Bye, I love you.

Have fun.

I'm so happy to see you.

Hi, hi.

What's that?

For me? Oh, my gosh.

A surprise.
Thank you so much.

Thank you.

Happy Mother's Day.

We love you.

Russell, it's Jesse.

I'm leaving to go live
with my parents for a while

and I'm taking Tanner
with me. Bye.

Wait, wait, wait,
hold on, hold on!

Hey, hold on, wait,
hold on, I'm coming!

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,
stop, stop, stop, stop,

stop, wait, hold on, hold on,
wait a minute, let me in,

stop, stop, stop,
hold on, hold on!

Wait a minute!

Where's Tanner?

Relax, he's with
Max and Charlie.

Nice robe.

We just said it
to get you in here.

Oh, great, another lie.

Yeah, is this your
new thing now? Bye.

Russell, we would
like to thank you for coming.

Mom? You're in on this?

Maybe if you would call me more often,
you would know me better.

Russell, I know I make jokes about Jesse,
but I love her.

So, Flo and I thought you two
should kiss and make up.

No, no, because
she's a liar.

She's a lying,
lying liar, okay?

And besides,
scaring me to get me in here

is not a good way to start
a conversation, okay?

Have fun. I'm leaving.

Not unless you're
going to jump.

Dad, what are you doing?
Slow down!

Oh, come on.

Where are we going?

All right,
this is crazy, all right?

She lied about everything.
You know what?

If I was your parents,
I would have been home by now.

If this sucker hadn't had all those
repairs, we would have been.

Actually,
that would be my fault.

How?

I kind of told Charlie
to mess with the engine

so Grandma and Grandpa
couldn't get home.

The flat tire was
just bad luck, or good.

You did that for us?

Forget that.

I'm impressed that he knew
so much about engines.

Yeah, he really does.

Honey, please forgive me.

I promise, I will never,
ever lie to you, ever again.

I just... I cross my heart.

You promise?
Promise.

Okay, I forgive you.
You do?

No, I'm lying.
You see how that feels?

Uh, sorry to interrupt your moment,
but this ain't good.

What?

The brakes are out and we're
going pretty damn fast.

I swear, Charlie did not
mess with the brakes.

No, no, I was
supposed to get them fixed,

but I took the money and I
spent it at the dog track!

Look out
for the garbage.

Hey, what is happening?

Where did everybody go?

Jesse, stay down.

Stay under me!

Hey, that's Grandma's house.

So it is. Let's check it out.

They made a womb
float for Mother's Day?

I can't wait to see
what they do for Father's Day.

Hello, Marvin, you got
a two-vehicle pursuit.

One is an RV from Texas and the
other one is big and pink.

Slow down!

Oh, my gosh.
Okay, we're in pursuit.

Whoa!

Earl, Jesse, Gabi,
I love you! Russell?

Yeah.

Nice to meet you.

We're going to
hit real hard.

No!

Huh?

Well, uh, that wasn't
so hard, now, was it?

Everybody all right?

What
the hell happened?

Nothing. I lied.

The brakes were fixed.

The fear of death brings
everyone closer together.

Welcome, welcome to my family.

Everybody
out of the vehicle.

Let's go.

Okay, we're coming. Hi.

Out of the vehicle.

Get your hands up
where we can see them.

You guys okay?

Hello, officers,
how are you doing?

Mom,
just put your hands up.

Spread your legs.

Anybody else?

Hi, it's just me.

Get on the ground.

On the ground!

Get on the ground!

On the ground!

Sir, that is my husband!

Officer, I don't
really appreciate

how you're treating
my son-in-law.

Wait, it's okay,
you guys, this is my doctor.

He fixed my knee.

Hi, Dr. Kohli.

Hey, Danielle.

Finally, somebody
stands up.

Oh, boy, you okay, Russell?

Yeah, I'm all right.
All right.

Well, I never thought I'd have
to say this in the line of duty,

but who's got the
registration for the vagina?

We do. But we already
missed the parade.

There's a parade
of vaginas?

Yup, there sure was.

Well, that's okay.

Now we can have
a real family picnic together.

Love you, too, Mom.
Happy Mother's Day.

Did she just kiss me?

We missed the parade,
but we're gonna have a picnic!

I'm proud of you, Earl.

Oh, thank you, Fluffy.

Thanks for
taking us, Kimberly.

Oh, and for brunch, too.

I bet my dad's
going to kill you.

Please, I can handle him.

I am a pole dancer.

Bring it on!

Wow. I think your daddy used his
veteran's discount at ProFlowers.

Surprise!

Dad, what is all this?

Oh, this is everything they
had left at the flower shop.

Okay, but why is it here?

I thought it was about time we
started celebrating Mother's Day.

I better go
find my babies.

And for my first surprise, for the
youngest, Vicky, voilà.

Oh.
Whoa.

A karaoke machine!

That's right, yes.

Young lady,
that's for you.

But these are...
These are Mom's car keys.

Yeah, I sold the car anyway,

but figured you'd
want the keys.

Kidding, you get
the car, too.

Oh, my God, thank you.

You're very welcome.

Thank you.

Look at this place.

Mmm.

Dad, did you invite him?

No.

No, I hired him
to run the punch bowl.

Okay.
Yeah.

I'm going to go
get some punch.

All right.

Hey.
Hey.

Thanks for coming
on such short notice.

I'm so proud of you.
Thank you.

I am.
Thank you.

Hi.
Hey, neighbor.

Hey.
Hi, I'm Lexy.

Lexy.

Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you as well.

Um, yeah, well,
please help yourself

to the punch and smell
the flowers. Go nuts.

That's the sexy mom
we were telling you about.

Oh, that makes sense,
okay, yeah.

Well, that might be a little too
much for me right now, you know?

Fair enough.
Mmm-hmm.

I'm going to
keep trying, though.

No, please do.
That's a great start.

Hey.

Wow!

Do you know
what it is?

No.

It's a karaoke machine.

That's cool.
What's that button do?

That's an echo,
so it makes it sound like...

My God, you people
on steroids?

Wait, hello, Tina?

It's me. I really need your help right now.
What?

I don't know what to do.
Wait, Tina, slow down. What's wrong?

What's wrong?
It's Mikey.

He can't breathe.

Okay, that's his asthma.

No, I know, Henry warned me
that it's bad this time of year

and there's a lot of ragweed.

Where's his inhaler?

It's here, but it's empty
and I can't find the backup.

Where's Henry?

He's at the store
and he's not answering.

All right, just take him
to the freezer.

He's not hungry.

I know he's not hungry.

It's just that breathing in the
cold air really helps him,

so just go, go, go, go.

Let's go the freezer, okay?
You're going to be okay.

You're going to be fine.
Yeah, just breathe this in.

Okay, all right.

Oh, my gosh,
Sandy, I am so scared.

I know, I know.

Listen, I keep a spare inhaler
in his backpack.

Okay, yep. I got it.
I'll put you on speaker.

Okay, where?

Okay. There are four pockets.

It's in the one
that has the rat on it.

There's no zipper
on the rat.

It's on the side of the rat!

It's on the side
of the rat, sorry.

It's all right, I got you.

I got you.
Come here, buddy.

Here you go.
Come on, come on. I got you.

I want Mommy.

Okay, Mommy's coming, honey.
You're okay.

Daddy's going to make
you feel all better, you know that.

Okay, give him three puffs
and then give him three more

in 30 minutes if he needs it, okay?

I don't like his color.
I'm going to take him to the ER.

All right, then go.
Just go, go and I'll meet you there.

Get his stuff.

Hey, DJ, hit it.

Here we go.

All right!
Stop whatcha doin'

'Cause I'm
about to ruin

The image and the
style that ya used to

I look funny, right?

But, yo, I'm makin '
money, see?

So, yo world I hope
you're ready for me

My name is Humpty
Pronounced with a "umpty"

Yo, moms Oh, how I
like to love thee

And all the fathers
in the Top 10

Please allow me
to bump thee

I'm steppin ' tall, y'all
And just like Humpty Dumpty

You're gonna fall
when the stereos pump me

I'm still rockin '
these pink pants

And I even got
my own dance

The Humpty Dance is your
chance to do the hump

That's right, folks,
help me out.

- Do me, baby!
- Do the Humpty hump

Girls, get up here.
Dance with your old man. Come on.

Do the Humpty hump

Watch me do the Humpty hump
Yeah, yeah. Uh!

Do the Humpty hump

Watch me...

Where'd he go?

Dad!

Are you okay, Dad?

Yeah,
I'm okay, Vicky.

Rachel, how does my leg look?

Great, Dad.

What about my right leg?

Someone call 911.

See what happens when
you let white boys rap?

There you go, folks.

Happy Mother's Day.

Don't move, Dad.
I'm coming down.

Rach, it might be time to
practice driving to the hospital.

Got it.

I hope it's
okay that I'm here.

I knew it was you
the moment I saw you.

We were 16 and in love.

What, puppy love?

No, true love, epic,

"plan your whole life
around it" kind of love,

and then there was you.

His family moved to another city
the day we gave them the news

and my parents pulled me
out of school for a year.

My mother never really
looked at me the same again.

Forever disappointed,
I think.

It was never
even a consideration

if I would get to
keep you, actually.

She said she found a nice
family that lived in Hawaii.

They weren't nice.
They were wonderful.

I know they've passed.
I'm sorry.

My parents are gone, too.

It's just you and me.

Part of the deal
was that they would

send me a picture
of you every year

so that I could
just see that you were okay.

Wow. What?

I don't understand.

Why didn't you
ever contact me?

That was the other
part of the deal.

So, I lost my
true love and you,

and I didn't want
to replace that,

so I went for a
career and that is what I have.

What is that?

That's your granddaughter.

That's my
boyfriend, Zack.

Katie, I want you to
meet someone special.

This is Katie.

Katie, do you
want to meet someone?

Yes.

That's your grandma.

Hello.

Hey, how is he?
He's good.

He's back to his normal self.
Oh, thank God.

They're supposed to be bringing him out.
I'm going to go check.

Thank God. Oh, good.

Hi.

Hi. You okay?
Hi.

Yes.

Sandy, I am so sorry.
Yeah.

I don't know what
happened to his inhaler.

That's why we have
a backup.

Your middle name
is now backup.

Okay. I just...
I really panicked.

I know.

How do you
stay so calm?

Well, Tina, it just
takes time.

It's time.
I mean, Peter's...

Thirteen.
How old?

How old are you?
Thirteen.

Thirteen. It takes
13 years, you know?

So, just give
yourself a break.

Otherwise, you're going
to really wear yourself down

and it's going to
piss me off.

Make that one of your rules.
That's good.

Whose child is this?

Mommy!

Oh, baby, hi.

Mommy, can I have
some candy, please? Oh...

Sly move.

I told you
you'd be okay.

All right, I'm going to get you some
candy and maybe one for myself.

Hold this, please.

Now, since it's Mother's Day
and I am a mother,

I'd like to introduce a very special guest,
my daughter, Kristin.

She has something very special
she would like to say.

Father of my child,
light of my life,

Zack, will you marry me?

And because I made
you wait so long,

I'd like to do it today,
while my mother's still here.

Well, will you?

Wha...

Uh...

The show's pre-taped.

Will you?

Well, you know,

I'm going to have
to think it over.

Hmm.

Okay, I did.

Yes.

I love you.
I love you, too.

Oh...

Oh, I think it's time.

Gotta go.
Oh...

Where's my purse?
Where are the keys?

Good luck, you guys.

Time for a wedding.
Where's Shorty? Shorty?

Me.

You're Shorty?
Yeah.

Should have guessed.

Okay, listen,
Miranda wants to throw

a big expensive wedding
at the best hotel,

but Kristin wants
to get married here

because that's
where they first met.

Great, and we'll do our best
to make it expensive.

Well, thank you for that.

Who's going to
perform the ceremony?

I'm officiating.

You got a license?

Of course, from
the online church of Idaho.

Can we do this now?

Wow. We're gonna make a buck.

Paging
Dr. Freeman and Dr. Sheehan.

Please report to
the nurse's station.

Come on.

Are you kidding me?

This is what's going
to happen today?

All right, okay.

God!
Oh, no, no, no, no.

Oh, God.

Whoa.

You know what?
Guys, let's go this way.

Let's not get involved.
Come on, here we go.

Oh...

Hey, tampon man.

Right?
Remember at the...

Hey.
Hi.

Hi there.
Um...

We were...
Yes.

Yeah, of course, hi.

It's actually Bradley.

Oh, Bradley.
Yeah.

These are my daughters.
This is Rachel, and this is Vicky.

Hi.
Hi.

This is...
Sandy.

With two sons.
Yes, that's right.

Um...

You all right?
You know what? No.

I'm kind of in
a little bit of a situation.

Okay. I got you.
It's so silly.

Girls, do me a favor,

why don't you run
and go find and see

if someone has
a key for this?

There's, like, a security
guard up front I'm sure.

It probably looks
kind of suspicious.

Are you wondering
how I got into

this predicament?
Mmm.

No, I'm not really.

You see what happens every time...
Uh-huh.

...I try to get up?
It's caught on something.

It's not coming down
any further, all right,

well, let me see
what I can do there.

Pull your wrist over this way.
Ow! Careful.

What?

It's a Miranda Collins
bracelet, just, you know. Oh...

What did you do
to your leg?

Another hip-hop-related
casualty is all.

Hip hop?
Yeah. What about you?

Why are you here?
Are you in

the psychiatric wing?

No. My son had
an asthma attack.

Oh, I'm sorry about that.
Is he okay?

Yeah, he's all back to normal,
so I'm getting him this candy.

I got you, we'll get it.

Oh, bend it, bend it.

Here, I'm going to
pull it down. There.

Ow...

Whoa. Awesome.
Ta-da.

Wait.
You're free.

Get that thing
down here.

This thing?
Get that Skittle.

That's why I did it
in the first place.

Don't. This is
what's going to happen.

Hey, all right.
Yeah.

That's amazing.
Nicely done.

Get it.

Wait. Oh, you know what,
while we're in here...

Okay, but if anybody
catches us,

we'll say you're stealing
candy for sick kids.

Thank you so much.
Yeah.

I owe you one.

No, random act of kindness.

Well, thank you.

Do you need a ride?

No, we have a car.

Yeah. Of course, of course.
Yeah.

And I...

What am I thinking?
I've got my kids,

my ex-husband, his new wife.
Oh...

It's a carful.
Wow.

Yeah, I'm divorced, too.

Oh, um...

Actually, my wife
passed away, so...

Oh...

Oh, my gosh, I'm so sorry.

Oh, that must make today so hard.
It's okay.

It's starting to be okay.

Thank you.

Dad, we looked everywhere.
We couldn't...

No, no, no.
We're good, actually.

- She's free.
- Free.

Emancipated.
Yeah. We're good. Yup.

Yeah. Um...
So...

Well, hey, I will see
you around, I guess.

That would be nice.

Wait, my dad
owns a fitness gym.

Give her your card.
You should totally stop by,

you know, try a yoga class
or pole dancing even. Mmm.

It helps you get in
touch with your body.

Mmm-hmm.
I've heard.

This is my gym.

It is?

I go to this gym.

What?

I just signed up,
like, a couple weeks ago.

How have I not
seen you?

I've never seen you there.

I know, how have I
never seen you there?

That's weird.
That's so weird.

All right, well, great,
so maybe I'll see you there sometime.

Thanks.
Yeah, thank you.

- Go here.
- Like that? No, this?

Go up.

Oh, no, that's terrible.
I love it.

All right.
Let's eat, guys.

Let's eat, Mom.

Mom!
Whoa!

Mom, you didn't tell
me you were coming.

Surprise.
Oh.

I didn't know
you were coming.

Beta, I need money to
tip the Ubber driver.

Okay, it's Uber.

I came to see you.

How did you know
we were even here?

I'm a mother.
Mmm...

Flo, it's so good to see you.
Oh, my goodness.

We did it.

Okay.

Oh. Oh!

Wow! You look
really nice.

Are you ready?

I am ready.

Oh, but, um, I think
I'll need someone to hold Katie.

It would be my honor.

Okay, you ready?

Come to Grandma.

Oh.
Ooh, sticky.

They're always sticky.
Ugh.

I mean...

Okay.

All right,
there we go.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

A little higher.
Don't drop her.

Little bit higher.
Yup, perfect. Got it.

- Got it.
- Okay.

Should we start
without you?

Oh, no, we're good to go.
Thanks, Dominic.

Okay.

All right, let's go.

Ma, how long
are you staying?

We'll see.

Earl and I may
stay awhile, too.

They have a big house.

Sorry that took so long.
Here, honey.

Just let me finish these release
papers and you'll be on your way.

Thanks, you've
been very helpful.

Well, that was one of our
more eventful Mother's Days.

I mean, to be honest,
I really prefer the really boring, sweet,

burnt pancakes in bed,
you know what I mean?

I'm sorry about yesterday.

That party was
really stupid.

I can't believe
you had a llama.

I can't believe
I had a llama.

And an alpaca.

Hey, kids, what do you say
we go to IHOP for dinner?

Yeah!
Breakfast for dinner.

Yeah.

Your mom and I just have to
wait for this paperwork.

We'll be a few minutes.

Yeah, we'll just
wait in the car.

Okay, come on, boys.
Come on.

Hey, Sandy.

Hey, Sandy
with two sons!

So, who's
Captain Pink Pants?

Oh!

Uh, first of all,
they're salmon.

Oh, is that what those were?
And they're cute.

Anyone I should
know about?

Oh, trust me, I'll shock
you when it's permanent.

Yeah, and does he know how
you hate beards? Oh...

You know what, I think it's
actually quite sexy on him.

Oh...

And we're back
to normal.

Yeah.

Uh-oh.
- Whoo!

This is just
how I pictured it.

Can we vow this up, please?

We got people
waiting for tables.

Oh...

Oh.

All right.

We are gathered here
to unite these two souls.

Who is giving
this young lady away?

I do, but I'm going to hold
onto this one a little longer.

Zack, do you take...
I do.

Before she
changes her mind.

And do you, Kristin?

I do, and I won't
be changing my mind.

I now pronounce
you husband and wife.

If you don't kiss her,
I will.

I'm very calm right now.

I see that.
I'm very happy.

That's very nice.
Let's take a picture of that.

Hold it high so we
both look skinny.

It's nothing.
I'm fine.

I know, it's fine.
Don't worry about it.

It's not scary, okay?
Scary.

It's not scary.

Isn't that obvious?

Man down.

Come on, come on, come on!
Seriously? All right.

Hey. This is not a stadium,
it's a lobby.

Yeah, your hat, Hector!
Put on your hat.

What?

All right, this is not...
This is the wrong borough.

I'm from Manhattan.
The other one.

Excuse me. I'm sorry.

Okay, we're ready.

How's this going?
This is going to work very well.

Okay. This is not a stadium,
this is a lobby.

You were not
an essay-contest winner.

But I do have this 100%
hypoallergenic right-side out bra,

for you to wear
home since you're

exposed on that side.
Oh, that's so kind of you.

Thank you.
Pop that on. Gold plated.

Is this yours?
Well...

It's one really... long train.

Jesus!

I need to shave my
legs again quickly.

Hold him still.
Okay.

He's moving.

Tanner, no, no, no, no,
not on her bag!

It's, like, the fourth
time he's done this.

Enough with
the surprises, Sandy.

Sandy? I'm Sandy.

Oh, no, no, no.
I'm not here for a picture.

I'm here...
I'm here to show Julia.

Justified.

Sweetie, sweetie, your banana.
Sorry, your banana.

Ow!
Oh!

Whoa!

Oh, it's connected
to a string.

What? This is a big joke.

Maybe it's dental floss.
New thing dentists are doing.

Happy Mother's Day!

- Went actually very well.
- She's so good!

- Yay.
- Go again.