Most Shocking Celebrity Moments 2018 (2018) - full transcript

The world is shocking.

So, a lot of it is fake news,
I hate to say.

# Worn out places, worn out faces...

Parliament is paralysed.
It's being stuck in a rut.

# It's a very, very

# Mad world... #

If only there was something -
anything to take our minds off

our imminent descent into the
Armageddon abyss.

Oh, hang on a minute.

Is that Justin Bieber?

Bieber's back!



And look, it's Kanye!

He's God now, is he?

And the GC?

Everyone's going to be shocked
when they see me.

Could it be possible,
there's a whole host of celebs

waiting in the wings?

Very intriguing.

Ready to turn out for the one,
the only, the downright legendary...

Oh, my God, I can't believe it.

...Most Shocking Celebrity
Moments 2019?

It's epic!

Yes, dear friends and shop fans,
we are back!

All sparkly and new...

SHE VOCALISES



...right here, right now for
your viewing pleasure.

We've got the usual old timers...

Yeah. Oh, stop it, you pervert!

...and some rookies.

I watch these shows
every single Christmas.

I'm on one now. It's crazy.

You most certainly are. Wow.

And so are you, Kim Kardashian...

...and you, Meghan and Harry,
and Sheryl, Rihanna, Miley.

I cannot actually believe
what I'm seeing.

So, whether you're at home...

I think the letters H-O-M-E
are so important.

...away...

...or at a straightforward
shooting weekend...

If at first you don't succeed,
try again, they say.

He is a toxic prince now.

# It's the end of the world
as we know it...

Don't go anywhere.

I'd rather be dead in a ditch.

Cos the world may be going to
hell in a handcart...

Everyone's losing their minds!

...we may be in the gutter...

SHE RETCH ES

...but some of us are looking
at the stars.

HORN HONKS

SCREAMING

Kicking us off...

# Prima donna girl...

GU.!

What would our list be without
Gemma falling over somewhere?

Yeah.

# Prima donna girl...

What, indeed?

And this year, everyone's favourite
vertically-challenged

reality star...

I am, I am, I am, yeah.

...was at it again.

Just think Beyonce on ice, honey.

Well...

# Living life like I'm in a dream...

She had probably most memorable
moments of the show.

Everyone's going to be shocked
when they see me.

Oh, we were, Gemma.

No-one brought more sass than Gemma
did to the ice, let's be honest.

And in Week 4,
the GC nearly ended up in A&E

when she fell A-over-♪ on DOI.

0_M_G!

She just goes...

HE GASPS

Straight down, hit the deck.

HE LAUGHS

Right on her chops.

How she didn't end up taking
her teeth home in a carrier bag,

I will never know.

I know how hard that ice is,
and when you go face-first...

...I'm telling you, it's awful.

I just remember thinking, "Oh, no,
Gem, get up, get up, get up".

However, when she got backstage,
I heard the first thing she said

was, "That was TV gold, babes!
Wasn't it? That was TV gold!

"It's going to be everywhere!

"I am Dancing On Ice-"

Along with the ice, the GC also
collided with Judge Jason Gardiner,

after a particularly
frosty critique.

When you know your friend this well,
you can tell by people's facial

expressions when someone's
going to go.

And I was sat there, looking
at the screen, and I thought,

"Jason, do yourself a favour, shut
up, because" - it sank in her eyes.

And I was like, "GC is going to
come out in full mode".

And... she absolutely did.

May I just say one thing?

Maybe if you didn't sell stories on
me, I wouldn't have been

so upset this week.
CROWD EXCLAIMS

So take that!

Boring!

Boring!

See, that's another iconic moment -

Gemma giving it straight back
to Jason.

# Bring me sunshine

# In your smile... #

SHE EXHALES

We just sort sat there, like...
"This isn't a rehearsal, is it?"

Oh, my God, she's actually
doing this live on TV.

Don't sell stories on me.

Don't sell stories on me.

Do not sell stories on me.

All right, all right, thank you.

"Don't sell stories.
Don't sell stories, though.

"Don't sell stories, though.

"But... don't sell stories, though."

You just see Schofield like...

SPUTTERS
"..moving on, actually."

HE LAUGHS

And Phil's just like, "Oh, my God.

"Is this an episode of
Catherine Tate?"

It wasn't Catherine Tate, but Gemma
certainly wasn't "bovvered" -

especially when it came
to time-keeping.

Because at one point,
they all had to wait ten minutes.

And Prince Pip Schofield
himself said, "Even I - even I, in

"all my years of TV, have never kept
a crew waiting for ten minutes".

She's not just a diva for
the screens, trust me.

Live with it.
Yeah.

That should go down in history.

# It must've been love

# But it's over now...

Oh, no! It's Jennifer Aniston.

Who's broken her heart this time?

RECORD SCRATCH

Oh, sorry, our mistake!

Jen has made the shock list again -
but this year...

Oh, my God, I can't believe it.

# Let me take a same...

...it's for a completely
different reason.

Congratulations to Jennifer Aniston.

She got on Instagram.
Something she'd never done before.

She broke the Internet.

Jennifer Aniston -
in five hours, 16 seconds -

managed to get a million followers,
taking the record from

Meghan Markle and Prince Harry.

That is real star power.

All that star power
blew a fuse on the Internet.

At least,
that's how we think it works.

And her page went down
for a few hours.

And then, it was all gone, and we
were like, "Oh, was that a mistake?

"What happened?"

And then, it was back.

Miss Anniston!

Jen responded to all the lnsta
interest on jimmy Kimmel Live,

appearing to downplay the fuss with
her typical comedy deadpan answers.

You've gotten to a million, like...
I don't know, 12 seconds,

or something like that?

Yeah.

You are - yeah,
you don't do that kind of stuff.

You do now.

Why are you doing it now?

LAUGHTER

Jennifer, look up!
Look up, Jennifer!

So, what was the photo that
broke the Internet?

Jennifer Aniston has joined
Instagram, and the first photo -

iconic, it's all the Friends stars.

Ooh, reunion!

Hey. Jen? Yes?

Oh...

SHE LAUGHS

This is very intriguing.

Rumour mill was like,
"Right, is this a reunion?

"Are we going to get a film?"
I'm sat there on tenterhooks.

Heard no more! "ls there a film?
ls there another series?"

What's going on, Jen?

What IS going on?

And more importantly,
willjen ever find love?

I've always fancied her.

Don't tell the GC.

HE LAUGHS

# When will I,
will I be famous...

I loved Bros.

They were massive, they were like -
everybody went through his hysteria.

# Will I be famous... #

Boys wanted to be them.
Girls wanted to be with them.

They were a big deal.

We are young,
but we're still artists.

And we started when we were 11.

Then they just disappeared
for years and years.

But 30 years on,
it was good news for Brosettes -

the boys were making a comeback.

Yay!

So, they decide to make a
documentary as they lead up to

their first arena performance
in 30 years.

I love the Bros documentary.

Everybody was talking about the
Bros documentary.

This was TV gold!

It so was!

And in After The Screaming Stops,

we got to see just how close
the boys were.

So supportive,
full of love for each other.

RECORD SCRATCH

You don't have to fucking swear
at everybody, just fucking -

otherwise, I'll fucking swear
all the fucking time.

Awkward.

Everybody's listening.

That's the first commercial argument
of rehearsals, that's part of it.

They were just really jealous
of each other, I think,

there was just this kind of...
"No, I'm better than you.

"No, I'm better than you."

And ultimately, they're brothers -
and twins.

Both in their own way -
they're both as bad as each other.

You're going to speak, are you?

You're going to speak?
Cos I just told you how I feel.

Go fuck yourself.
Go fuck yourself.

If the fighting was bad, the talking
bits were - how can we put this -

hilarious.

But some of the shit that Matt Goss
was coming out with.

I think the letters H-O-M-E are
so important, because they...

...personify the word "home".

If you asked me what the letters
H-O-M-E spell...

...they spell home.

I made a conscious decision,
because of Stevie Wonder,

to not be superstitious.

But Stevie Wonder's VERY supers...

He's literally very superstitious.

Here is the little, kind of,
conversation corner.

Er...

Matt so seriously, walking around
his house, showing it, like,

"This is conversation corner,
and, er, er" - has nothing to say.

There's no conversation to be had.

Er... er... er...

Every home should have
a conversation corner -

H-O-M-E, that is.

This one actually gives the
illusion of... pyros -

pyros falling down everywhere.
They are pyros.

No, they really are.

They are pyros. OK, so... all right.

The illusion of real pyros.

You have to watch this documentary,
because it is one of the funniest

things you will ever see.

This is us coming back to life,
and what a way to come back to life.

Me, too, mate.

# When will I, will I be famous... #

# In the shallow, shallow...

It is the ultimate story of
love, romance, passion -

and the film wasn't bad, either.

We knew that A Star ls Born is an
incredibly romantic tale.

So, there were already rumours in
preproduction of this film that

Bradley Cooper and Lady Gaga were
spending an incredible amount

of time together - don't forget,
he's the director.

In the film, their chemistry
zinged off the screen.

Gaga's song "Shallow" picked up
two Grammies, a Golden Globe,

and an Academy Award.

But it was her and Brad's
rendition of the theme tune

that really got tongues wagging.

# In the shallow, shallow

# In the shall-shall-la-shallow...

# In the shallow, shallow...

# In the shall...

# ..low

# In the sha-ya-ya...

# ..low... #

Would you go to bed with me?

No-one even cared
about who won an Oscar.

Nobody gave a shit.

It was all about the fact that
Bradley Cooper and Lady Gaga were

definitely doing things
with each other.

Or really wanted to do stuff
with each other - like, a lot.

Loads.

And the Twitter-atti agreed.

A lot.

Loads!

Please say hello to Lady Gaga!

Before Gaga went on
jimmy Kimmel Live to shoot down

any romance rumours - playing it
earnest and genuinely flummoxed.

Yes.

# P-p-p-poker face,
p-p-poker face... #

To add insult to awkwardness,
Brad's girlfriend, Irina Shayk,

was sitting in
the audience watching.

The Best Actress award goes
to Irina, Bradley Cooper's missus,

for just pretending to be OK
about it all.

If my husband was up there with
anybody, I would have gone up there

and absolutely, I would've grabbed
that hair and all banged her face

on that piano.

L'd've been playing
the piano with her head!

Irina refrained from inflicting
any musical injuries,

but the relationship certainly
took a battering.

Now Gaga and Bradders
are both single,

might they actually get together?

The real question is,
are they fucking or not?

100% they fucked.

Ooh, I say!

100%.

And now... the Archangel Gwynnie.

How we've missed you!

And how lucky are we that the divine
Miss P cares so much about us

that he shares her pearls of wisdom
so we can live our best lives?

Hello! Hi.

How are you all?

NARRATOR GIGGLES
SHEEPISHLY: Fine, thanks.

Gwyneth Paltrow's entire job
description these days is just

to make the rest of us feel deeply
inadequate about ourselves.

She has surpassed herself this year.

Yup - this year, our shameless
shaman shock is how to manage

our marriages.

Gwyneth Paltrow advocates
a part-time marriage.

It's quite a clever way,
I think, of gradually entwining

what they call these days
a "blended" family.

Gorgeous Gwyn only entwined
with husband Brad four clays a week.

He selflessly sacrifices the other
three to be with his kids.

A high price to pay.

# Part-time lover... #

Because he's got the kids,
and she's got the kids,

and she's got the unconscious
coupling to manage still.

Oh, yes, remember that? Oh, dear.

Enough to make anyone...
SHE RETCHES

Now, now! If ex-hubby Chris Martin
is OK with it - enough to go on

Gwyneth and Brad's honeymoon
with them - then it's fine by us.

Anyway, back to Brad.

They came up with this deal where -
I think he stays over perhaps 2-3

nights a week, and the rest of
the time, they do their thing.

Oh. yes'?

Surely not.

I mean, what's to hate about a woman
who employs an intimacy teacher?

Just one more vital character
on Planet Paltrow.

Hands up, who else has got one?
Anyone?

I don't have an intimate coach,
but I'm thinking maybe

I need to get one.

If you want to be Paltrow-perfect,
and what the teacher advises

in marriage is polarity.

I'm sorry, does it really work to
only have your husband part-time?

Like, it's really weird.

Surely you get married
because you can't be apart?

SLIDE WHISTLE

So, what do I do for the other
three days, then?

Stay tuned, we've only just begun.

And if you turn over,
you'll miss this.

I never thought you'd do this to me.

Welcome back to the show
that's officially identifying

as a countdown of
Most Shocking Celebrity Moments.

I watch these shows every
single Christmas.

The fact that I'm on one now -
it's crazy. It's crazy.

Isn't it?

And this summer, we couldn't get
enough of Amy and her fellow

Love Islanders all searching
for that special someone.

I went in there to meet someone
and to fall in love, to marry and

have children with, and stuff.

It's a free holiday and an
incredible time, and you could

potentially fall in love.

Curtis was the only one
for me in that villa.

And just nine clays in,

Curtis popped the question that
every Cinderella wants to hear.

Will you be my half-girlfriend?

SHE LAUGHS
I will be your half-girlfriend.

Cos I was so open to it...

...I think that's why I did fall
in love with him.

And everyone goes, "It was only four
weeks" - you spend every minute,

720 hours, before we went
to Casa Amer.

Oh, yes, Casa Amor -

the destroyer of dreams.

It's head-turning central.

And Curtis, who, you know,
has been the good,

loyal boyfriend, you know -
oh, sorry, half-boyfriend -

had his head turned by another girl.

And that girl was newbie Jourdan.

You are clearly stunning,
I'm not going to lie.

But having been knocked back,
Curtis made a big decision

at the re-coupling ceremony.

Oh, the old half-romantic.

I'd 100% like to stick with Amy.

But then, I got back, obviously,
walked in, saw him on his own,

breathed a huge sigh of relief.

Yeah.

Made absolute mug of myself by
doing that, like, little speech.

The girls are sick of me, because
all I've - I've been that girl on

the girls holiday that's like,
"I really miss him".

And Caroline Flack was squeezing
my hand, which now I know to be

a sign for "shut up"...

SHE LAUGHS

...because he's mugged you right off.

"And I've missed you so much."
And he went...

She sat up like...
"What the hell is going on"?

Curtis sat her down to tell her
exactly what the hell had gone on.

I asked her to re-couple,
she said no.

I said I was going to continue
pursuing her.

And then, I realised that it was
the wrong thing to do.

I was coming back here to tell you
that I loved you.

"I was going to tell you
that I love you."

And I was thinking, "Why?
You're an idiot."

'u.

...can't believe you've done that -
I never thought you'd do this to me.

You're the perfect man, after all.

You're the perfect man.
You're fucking not.

The villa does weird things to you.

In real life, if someone said after
for weeks, "Don't want to see

"any more, you'd be like,
"All right, that's fine".

But I - like, I've been sold
this dream.

And then, it was... away.
SHE WHOOSHES

I thought I'd met my first love,
and the one.

And it turns out, I haven't.

I'm someone's backup plan
yet again.

#No, I

# Don't want to fall in love...

But, yes, that was quite
hard that night.

# No, I... #

The key moment for Amy,
though, was when she walked away.

I will be leaving the villa...
once I pack my case.

TEARFULLY: I love you all so much.

And I cannot tell you
what you've all done for me.

I wasn't going to meet anyone else,
so I was like,

"literally it's pointless, me being
here, I might as well go home".

So, Amy, any regrets about your
Prince Not-So-Charming?

Hindsight's a wonderful thing.

And I am not sure we would have
worked well as I thought

we would've done on the outside.

Shocker.

Since time began, religion has
played a major part in many lives.

We're nothing if not God-fearing
here at Shock Towers.

And you know who else
is a big, old God-botherer?

Kanye West.

HE LAUGHS

Hell, yeah.

Just when you thought there
was nothing else Kanye West

could actually do to surprise us,

he's become a vicar.

Hallelujah!

In 2019, Kanye invented his
very own church.

He's called his Sunday Service.

Looks very jolly, doesn't it?

This is the weirdest shit
in the world.

Yes, it is a tad unorthodox.

So far, the service has popped
up in LA, New York,

and celeb-fest Coachella -
where he appeared to recreate

the sermon on the mount.

Right, talk me through it again -
he's God now, is he?

Did I miss that?

# I am a god...

You have to wonder how much of
the Sunday Service is a legitimate

attempt to connect with
a higher power,

and how much of it is him basking
in all these people

who are worshipping Kanye?

# Hurry up with my
damn croissants... #

Speaking of breakfast,
Kanye's disciples don't go hungry -

for like Jesus feeding the 5,000,

Yeezy is offering up brunch!

Here it is, yours for the
bargain price of $55. Yummy!

If anything's going to turn
you against God...

...it's going to be getting that
bacon at that Sunday Service

with Kanye West.

Not even a cup of tea.

HE LAUGHS

Actually, he isn't Kanye any more.

I might legally change my name
to Christian Genius Billionaire

Kanye West.

Rolls off the tongue, doesn't it?

And let's not forget Mrs Christian
Genius Billionaire Kanye West.

She's becoming a lawyer!

Honestly, we're not making it up.

I actually would take legal
advice for Kim.

I think she is super, super smart.

It's really important to me
to get my law degree,

and to really stick it through.

I'm almost done with year one.

In California state, you don't have
to go to college or law school

to pass the bar exam and
be a lawyer.

Kim was going to take
what's called a "baby bar".

Talking of which - babies, that is -
number four was on the way

via another surrogate.

I don't really have time
for that any more.

But selfishly, the due date looked
like it was going to clash with

one of Kim's favourite outings -
the Met Gala.

Decisions, decisions!

It was outrageous, Kim debating not
being there when her baby was born,

because she had the Met Gala.

And the fact that she had to be
there to wear the corset that made

her look like she was going to die
at any moment versus going to

the birth of her baby.

Kim managed to squeeze
in both events -

and lo, they named the child Psalm.

So, there you have it.

Whatever will these two
get up to next?

Not laughing, Kanye.
Not laughing at all.

Hello.

I always think, if we do something
that can provoke other people to

have a discussion, then that's
definitely a good thing.

Oh, you provoked a discussion,
all right.

SHE LAUGHS

For decades now, Lovely Lorraine
Kelly has been, well, lovely.

Lovely.

But not any more!

Lorraine Kelly the person, and
Lorraine Kelly the character that

she plays on television,
liking everything bubbly -

they're not necessarily
the same person.

I think it's just cos I've
been around so long.

The Esther McVey thing with
Lorraine Kelly was so shocking.

In June, Tory politician Esther
McVey was being interviewed on GMB

during her campaign to become
party leader.

Esther McVey,
thank you very much, indeed.

Lorraine Kelly's here.

Do you remember Esther McVey
from her GMTV days?

THEY LAUGH

Lorraine, the sweetest presenter
on TV - suddenly we realise

she's got a really harsh side.

And that whole interview with
Esther McVey was so uncomfortable.

"Mm-hm. Yeah."

Oh... and everyone's like,
"Oh, do you remember her"?

"Yeah."

Why does Lorraine Kelly
hate Esther McVey?

Well, Esther herself gave
a possible reason.

We used to share a dressing room,
so - and she used to be

the programme afterwards.

And obviously, she used to be
partnered with Eamonn Holmes.

And then, I was promoted to be
partnering with Eamonn Holmes.

It's weird, what gets them -
what gets people's attention.

It's quite funny.

We all saw Lorraine having a bit
of a growl at Esther McVey.

But the whole thing with Jennifer
Arcuri took us a whole new level.

And it was so shocking.
Is this the new Lorraine?

It was just another day on
Good Morning Britain.

And in the hot seat was
Jennifer Arcuri being grilled by

Piers and Susanna about her
relationship with Bojo.

So, in a positively toe-curling
outburst, the all-new

straight-talking Lorraine Kelly
struck again with a show of

exasperation that spoke
for the nation.

God, that was crazy, wasn't it?

That was - what's the point?

Come down, not answer any questions?

Point, that?

Anyway, and...
SHE CHUCKLES

No, it's just me.

What's the point of you coming down,
and then, not saying anything?

I'm sorry?

What is the point of you coming
on the TV to clear the air,

and then, you don't say anything?

Why - I believe I said a few things.

What - what is it that you were
looking for that I say?

Well, you didn't answer any of the
questions that... were put to you.

I just don't see the point of you
coming on, to be honest. Anyway...

I really think people will get
that as their ringtone.

"I mean, what's the point?
What's the point?"

Time to celebrate now with the
nation's sweetheart,

Cheryl Cole
Fernandez-Versini-Doodah, make an

amazing comeback with her single
Let You reaching the giddy height

of number 57 in the Hit Parade!

Oh, no! 57?

Oh, bless 'em.

That's right - 57! One less than 58.

The problem Cheryl's got
is that at one time she was the most

important pop star in Britain.

She doesn't have the clout
that she used to have either

on television or in music.

That is disappointing for her.

You didn't do anything, pet.

You're terrific.

Although you did say last year
you'd quit releasing music

if you had another flop.

Probably just a blip.

Her songs are rubbish.

She just needs to just stop already.

The sort of pop star she was depends
on you being like a young, sexy thing.

I think when you're a mum of one,
you can't be Dua Lipa,

like, arsing about the Brits
with your bum-cheeks out,

like, that's not going to work.

Hmm, maybe her comeback hasn't
been that great.

No, 57's still pretty good, isn't
it?

I met her recently.

She seemed in a really good place.

Exactly.

And only 56 other songs were higher
up.

Oh, hurry up.

I'm going to download 50-odd times
and kind of do all I can to get

her back into that top ten.

Good on ya. With that attitude,

Chez definitely has a long musical
career ahead of her.

She could become, like, you know,
agony aunt.

We were thinking more about her fine
musical abilities.

And while we're waiting
for the reunion tour,

we can all be happy in the knowledge
that whenever we need our Cheryl

fix, we can just head
along to Madame Tussauds.

Oh, no, what a pity.

Stop all the clocks

Cut off the telephone

For this year saw the end

Of Game of Throne... s.

Yeah, so Game of Thrones ended.

Obviously very sad for a lot of
people.

It was the biggest show
in the world.

The biggest show that the television
had ever, ever seen.

Great show.
It was an epic bit of TV

and I loved the way it ended
and I loved the way that

Denise Targaryen just went mad.

No-one saw that coming and it was
very compelling to watch.

It had been written in the stars
since the day dot - the Targaryens

are fucking batshit. They're incestuous
kind of lunatics crazed on power.

That is that is the story
of the Targaryens,

so for anyone to be surprised
that Daenerys started going a bit...

HE GROANS

...is not all there themselves.

It was always going to end
like that.

Yes, fans, plus whoever
this guy is, were divided

by the dramatic series finale.

If you're going to make your TV
show trend,

annoy the keyboard warriors,

and that's what they did
by taking quite a nice character

and making her into
a mass-murdering fuckhead.

It was an incredible moment, just
seeing that happen and thinking,

"Oh, they're not
going to like this."

To complain about how
a fictional television show ends

is like howling at the moon.

There is no fucking point in it.

"She would never do that!

"She was a nice person for nine
years! Why?!"

"Dear the internet..."

The fans were devastated,
but Jon Snow, AKA Kit Harington,

who'd lived and breathed the show
for eight years, ended up checking

into rehab for alcohol and stress
issues.

It must have been tough for him to
realise that this huge part

of his career in his life was over
and that he's going to spend

the rest of his life at conventions,

meeting the fans who are all going
to

say to him, "Why did she go on a
killing spree?!

"She would never have done that!
Dear Kit..."

"I'm in the flesh." "I don't care,
I can only talk to you like this!"

Isn't the point that he isn't
any more?

The end.

There's Romeo and Juliet,

you know, there's
Troilus and Cressida,

and then you had Paul Hollywood

and Summer Monteys-Fullam.

Not any more.

If it weren't shocking enough
that the 52-year-old Master Baker

was dating a 22-year-old, a bigger
shock came when their relationship

curdled and split in a rather
spectacular fashion.

Paul Hollywood.

He's got fast cars
so he had to get a young girl.

And they said it wouldn't last
and it didn't.

Paul split from wife of 20 years,
Alex, in 2017 and the baps expert

then fell into Summer's arms,

but it was she who dumped him.

Paul Hollywood's one-time girlfriend

and regular crop-top-wearer, Summer,

somehow, quite to her credit,
had refused to sign an NDA

during their relationship.

# Don't speak

# I know just what
you're sayin'... #

It would take me to be dating Tom
Cruise, I think, to sign an NDA.

Paul Hollywood isn't Tom Cruise.
Come on now.

It was a stretch, really,
to believe that these two

were kindred spirits.

Ironically, by trying and failing
to get an NDA,

details of the couple's relationship
went more and more public

as they became
more and more acrimonious.

It was one of those classic cases
where what was love has turned

to wrath, and it was plastered all
across the tabloids

for everyone to see.

He tried to sort of deny
there was a document.

She came back and she said
she was going to have to take

legal proceedings against Paul
for denying there was a document.

There were claims of
controlling behaviour

and of fake, stalking
Instagram accounts.

And then she went on to say
that he had accused her of courting

the press and he'd accused
her of spilling secrets about him

and that she hadn't done
anything of the sort.

Nothing happened. It's all been
blown up slightly out of proportion.

She had done an awful lot
of wiggling around in very,

very tight ♪-shirts and being
photographed doing so,

but, you know, who doesn't?

HONK!

The news of Paul and Summer's sad parting
had come just clays after his divorce

from wife, Alex, who had once
been a fan

of his refined foodie palate.

I'll sneak off and go and have a
dirty kebab or stop off at a takeaway.

There's definitely one place he no
longer goes to for his weekly shop.

Shit, imagine getting your little
Percy Pigs

and someone's slutting and
whoring round the corner.

You don't expect it in Marks's, do
ya?

TANNOY JINGLE

TANNOY: Could the Hollywood party
please stop slutting and whoring

and leave the building? Thank you.

Stay tuned to find out, who is
international woman of mystery?

I'm going to say Celine Dion.

Welcome back to the show

that's shockier than a princely
visit to a pizza emporium.

And now, one of the biggest
mysteries of 2019.

Who IS that girl?

She looks a bit like Queen
Elizabeth, the silhouette.

If you have a look...

Not her... in the Land Rover, going
hunting in the rose garden,

so she's completely camouflaged.

I'm going to say Celine Dion. Nope.

Curtains.
Like Grandma's curtain.

Oh, it's Cardi B.

No, no, (larch B.

# They call me Cardi B

# I run this shit like cardio... #

It was our favourite
shocking ex-stripper-rapper

at Paris Fashion Week.

Cardi B is one of those people
that, as a red carpet reporter,

you silently thank the gods
that she's going to be there.

But Why?!

It makes headlines, darling.

That is not fashion.

That is horrific.

How did she see? She's walking
across the road

with a full floral mask on.

Only Cardi B. I love her.

And we love her, too, especially
when she turns up to award shows

dressed as a mollusc.

Wow, that's a beautiful outfit, and
Cardi B is making a big statement.

Cardi B's outfits
are like installations.

That black and pink outfit just
looked like a shell

had given birth to her.

But she can't have a glass of
red wine.

I don't know how much you'd enjoy
yourself on a night out

wearing that, but you're not wearing
it to enjoy yourself, are you?

You're wearing it so we
talk about it - and we are!

Hooray for Cardi B, hooray.

And hooray for when she rocked up in
this frock at the Met Gala

cos Cardi's never fully dressed
without ruby nipples.

Oh, that's cool.

This dress took a whopping 2,000
hours to make.

Time well spent, we say.

I love that Cardi B wore that giant
maroon quilt

to the Met.

Can you imagine having to get
into an outfit like that?

Having like 20 people have to sort
you out.

And then your armpits are getting
sweaty and then you're worried about,

"Oh, is that going to like affect it." And they go,
"Oh, that's OK, darling, I've got a pant liner

I can put under there for you."

And then like, "Oh, what should
we do with the nipples?" And it's...

Oh, God, what a faff.

I love her. It's epic.

Lewis Capaldi, what a year for him.

He's broken records
in the music industry,

but more than that,

he's got such a good sense
of humour.

The 23-year-old Scot's
breakthrough single,

Someone To Love,

charted in 29 countries

and topped the UK Singles Chart
for seven weeks.

Despite this, he's not
to everyone's taste.

He's a man with a guitar
singing songs.

Imagine James Blunt,
but without the privilege.

You might think that's
putting it bluntly...

...but someone else really
doesn't mince his words.

The rock and roll shake up
of the year kicked off in June

in an interview with Noel Gallagher,

who in traditional irascible form,

spat out an unprompted

and totally over-the-top rant,
which stunned everyone.

Yeah, but not recently.

Music is fucking wank at the moment.

Who's this Capaldi fellow?

Lewis Capaldi? Who the fuck's
that idiot?

He is... I'm going to stand up
for him.

Yes. I thought he was
slagging off Doctor...

The bloke who played Doctor Who.
I did as well.

No, that's Peter Capaldi,

his second cousin once removed.

Not one for time travel,

Lewis responded the very next day

in a chirpy post that amazed people

with his positive take on it.

Noel Gallagher...

...has just slagged me aff.

This is...

...dreams coming true.

If that was me,
I would have reacted.

I'm from So Solid so I'd have
been like,

"You know what, Noel, yeah?
Fuck off, you prick."

HE LAUGHS

Much to everyone's surprise,

Noel responded with a rare display
of humour of his own

by showing his son recreating
Lewis's mournful sounds

in a highly entertaining
mickey take.

IMITATES LEWIS CAPALDI TEARFULLY

Poor Lewis Capaldi probably grew
up looking up to Oasis,

wakes up one morning and he's
getting absolutely annihilated

by Noel Gallagher,
probably thinking,

"Oh, you've crushed me.

"Now, my idol's my rival."

The thing is with Lewis Capaldi

is he uses humour as a bit
of a weapon.

You know, he's really, really
very funny

and he's used that against Noel.

CHEERING

He certainly did

when he took the stage
at Glastonbury

to the delight of the crowd.

Obviously turns it into

a moment of comedy gold

when he comes out
onto the Glastonbury stage

with his Mancunian swagger

and he's just like,
"Yeah."

♪ you, Noel.

Lewis Capaldi, one -

Noel Gallagher, nil-

HE CHUCKLES

And that's not all -

Lewis scored another point
when he posed for a photo

with Noel's nemesis -
brother, Liam.

He's such a dude.

Noel was no doubt mad for it by now,

especially when his daughter
tweeted this...

...and in another interview,

Noel really goes for it.

Noel then decides to
kind of double down...

# But we ain't done yet. #

...and slag him off again

and sort of even worse, which
is when he says, he's ugly.

But Lewis was having none of it.

Lewis Capaldi immediately
changes his picture on social media

and puts himself as Chewbacca.

Love that.

So now Noel looks like an idiot.

You've just hammered this poor guy -

hammered him -

and he's made a mockery of you.

And he continued to hammer him.

Lewis Capaldi was number one

for like half the year.

You know, massive album...

And there was even more hammering

with this photo of him puckering
up to Noel's daughter.

That's brilliant. That's made me
like him even more.

I might even play his album on
the way home.

That's brilliant.

Next up...

Incredible.

Yes, Terrence Howard off Empire,

it is incredible

and we're not talking
about your jaunty cravat,

but something altogether
more shocking

that happened at the 2019 Emmys.

Alarm bells should have rung when
Terrence arrived on the red carpet

dressed as a Victorian magician.

That gives you a sort of clue as to the
kind of interview you're going to get.

You'd think, after reaching
that level of popularity,

he would be quite well-versed
in dealing with the media,

but something happened, didn't it?
With an interview. Yeah.

Something certainly did happen -

a shockingly
incomprehensible interview.

That was about as appropriate
for the red carpet

as a flying saucer.

LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY

Grade-A titanium-plated

bullshit.

Cuckoo, cuckoo!

Cuckoo, indeed, but it's OK,

Terrence cleared up any confusion

in an increasingly passionate speech

causing visible amusement
in the reporters.

Well, let me put it this way...

I think we all know
what a platonic solid is.

Solid!

All I can imagine
is that a platonic solid

is a term for when you have
a clean wipe.

It just went "Woomph" -
you hear the noise,

but when you look,
there's nothing in the bowl. SNICKERING

Woomph.

Where's it gone?
That's a platonic solid.

But you can see these two... these
two newsreaders

who are there on the red carpet
interviewing him.

The guy...

It's all the guy can
do to stop wanking himself off

because he knows what gold
he's got coming.

I'm putting something
on YouTube...

...where I will build
the planet Saturn

without gravity

and build the Milky Way galaxy
without gravity.

My... My head's just gone.

He just comes out with
just the most nonsensical...

It's like if Uri Geller took acid.

When I seen the picture,
I was like, "Argh!

"They've got you, man."

He just ran into a media storm.

Racist...

Ignorance is not a defence.

On the eighth of May,

two clays after the announcement
of the birth of baby Archie,

Danny Baker tweeted the picture

that would cost him his job...

...accompanied by the caption

"Royal Baby Leaves Hospital."

In that tweet,
there was a historical picture,

a black and white picture,

of a very well-to-do looking couple

holding the hand
of a small chimpanzee

dressed in a suit and a hat.

People reacted, really,
with outrage,

saying this was a racist tweet

and that the connotations
were really shocking.

That post that he put on Twitter,

as he said, was an attempt
to pour scorn

on the world of privilege

into which baby Archie
had been born.

I felt that Danny Baker's tweet

was unpleasant,

rude, sneering,

discourteous

and I also felt that
it was pretty rich

to imply or suggest
that you didn't realise

there would be a racist
connotation attached.

Even though Danny removed the post
within minutes,

the damage was done

and he was forced to explain
to the waiting press

that he didn't know whose
royal baby it was.

And then I thought, "Oh, my go-to
photograph when posh people...

...you know, walk out or have kids"

went to that stupid photograph
of a chimp in a top hat...

...and shouldn't have done

and when people said,
"That's Meghan's"

you tear it down. "Oh, no. Oh, no."

Cos I'm well aware
of the centuries-old trope,

linking race and primates.

No! Not for a second,

otherwise, I'd have to be some
kind of slavering secret racist

and I promise you, I'm...
I wouldn't...

Nobody invites this onto themselves.

Danny's defence divided
public opinion.

Some might find it astonishing

that a national broadcaster
like Danny Baker

didn't even know that
the royal baby born this week

was Harry and Meghan's.

Yeah, I've known Danny Baker
for more than 30 years

and I'll tell you right now,

100%, don't even think about it

he is not a racist.

Even if he didn't realise

just how offensive and obnoxious
his tweet was,

he did know that he was tweeting
something horrid

about a royal baby

and who wants to tweet something
nasty and malicious

about a baby.

Within 24 hours,

Danny had been sacked from his job

at BBC Radio 5 Live

and returned to Twitter
to announce it.

I've been fired. Yes, I have.

I think it's a bit weaselly the BBC
chucked us under a bus,

giving credence to the more
vampiric stories

that are swirling about.

What he done was very naive

and it's sad because he's messed
up his career out of it

so chill,

but give him back some employment,
man. That's harsh.

And all I'll say now is God love
you, Archie.

I'm sorry about that. We got off
on the wrong foot.

And now, the dancing show
we all know and love.

No, not that one.

It's our Strictly
shocking round-up...

...kicking off with the dancer who
wasn't even supposed to be there

and ended up only winning the whole
flipping thing.

Oh, my God, be still
my beating heart.

I mean, I'm sorry, Jamie Laing,

but your injury was a blessing
in disguise

for the nation at large

because Kelvin Fletcher
is just a slice of heaven.

And look how amazing he was.

Like, all macho... Guns.

...and guns... Gun show.

...shaking his booty and everything.

SAMBA MUSIC PLAYS

And I know him, I've played golf
with him,

he's quite a quiet guy. Yes.

He's not an extrovert,

but on that dance floor,

you'd think he's been performing
his whole life.

Bit of an animal, wasn't he?

SHE GROWLS AND GIGGLES
All right.

It was unbelievable some
of the moves he's been pulling off.

He's like a young john Travolta.

From a young John Travolta

to an old - sorry, Anton -
Austin Powers.

In week three, TV's Mr Nasty

got a little too personal.

Movie Week,

when Craig mentioned... Aw.

...Anton's wig,

his glasses

and his teeth, darling. Aw!

I slightly was distracted
with the wig,

I have to say.

And the fake teeth that you
have in. Woof woof, baby.

LAUGHTER

I did think...

They're not fake,
they're all me own, dear.

The teeth thing was hilarious.

Tess, for once, went off script.

That was a real joy because
she usually doesn't.

LAUGHTER

They're not fake?
No!

They're not fake teeth.
They're his own teeth.

LAUGHTER
Oh, God. Really?

Slightly embarrassing.

I'm sorry, Anton. I'm really...

RAUCOUS LAUGHTER

And the more everyone laughed,

Anton was laughing and then you saw
his teeth more.

So then it made it even more funny.

You didn't see Craig embarrassed very often, do
you? But I think he was embarrassed about that.

# I promise that you'll never
find another like me... #

I think that in this modern world,

it's important to be able to have

a nuanced view about a celebrity

and Taylor Swift is one
of those people

who is quite divisive.

I've heard words bandied about
like "psychopath".

No!

# I know that I went psycho
on the phone... #

Pop princess Taylor Swift

has made
the shock list again this year

for her unfailing talent

for falling out with, well,

everyone.

There have been so many feuds

over the course of her career.

Taylor seems to be like
a lightning rod

of fights and fallout and feuds

and messy break-ups.

And Tay Tay's biggest bust up
in 2019.

Was with music mega-mogul

Scooter Braun.

Scooter Braun is a big deal.

This guy is like top of the game

in the record company
label-type world

out in the States.

This guy controls it now.

She's got no say in this.

And she went nuts

and literally laid into him saying,
you know,

it was an of fence to her,

out of anyone that her record label

could have sold themselves too,

it should not offend Scooter Braun

because he'd apparently been behind

the bullying of her.

She's now his enemy number one.

She's going to write a tune
about him and everything,

put him in a video. Watch.

We will!

Next, Taylor's feud

with the famously shy and retiring
Katy Perry,

which had rumbled on for a whopping
five years,

but this year, they made up.

Do you know why they initially
fell out? No, no idea at all.

Do you care? No.

They were not cool with each other
for a really long time,

like digging at each other

in various tunes and videos.

But in 2019,

the hatchet was
well and truly buried.

I'm really very shocked

that Katy Perry and Taylor Swift

have made up.

And then as a sort of olive
branch, Taylor says,

"Would you like to be
in my new video

"just to kind of prove to everyone
that we're friends again?"

And, by the way, this is the costume
you're wearing -

it's a beef burger.

# Yeah

# You need to just stop

# Can you stop,
like can you just stop? #

It was sort of meant to be
a celebration

of the queer identity,

then to top off her co-opting -
I mean, celebration -

of the queer identity,

forget all about that queer stuff
at the beginning,

the real point of the video is

I'm friends with Katy Perry again.

What happened there?

No flipping, shock fans,

cos still to come - a mystery
for the ages.

One of the
biggest stories worldwide.

Welcome back to the show
that literally no-one

has called an award-deserving,

heartbreaking work
of staggering genius.

Incredible! Philistines.

Hello and welcome to Guess
The Shock Celebrity Hero.

Clue number one -

it's our favourite
UK-based Australian singer.

UK-based Australian...

I'll have to hurry you.

Oh, I don't know.

It could be Peter Andre.

# Wanna spend the night with you
Whoa, oh

Rack off, it's not Pete.

Here's your next clue.

# Neighbours

# Everybody... #

Oh...

...duh! Jason Donavan.

Thank you, thank you. Thank you
very much.

No, thank YOU...

...because, despite being in the dead
of night,

this action shot manages
to capture perfectly

the lightning reflexes of Jason

heroically running
into the building...

# I need a hero... #

...wearing only his pants.

It's amazing!

It's such a good story.

That's like my favourite story of
the last - fuck it - hundred years.

What's better than saving
your neighbour in a fire?

Doing it in your Y-front pants.

You might have seen me on BBC One
last Saturday night

in a very odd outfit

and that's
just a taste of things to come.

Jason Donovan just goes to show

that he is a great neighbour,

a great friend.

He put out a fire in his underwear

of his next door neighbour's
multi-million pound house.

Bless him. Didn't even
wait for the fire brigade.

# I come from a land down under... #

Jason Donovan runs
into a burning building -

that's already amazing -

in his pants!

In his pants!

I mean, what a neighbour to have.

If you've got a fire, he'll come
in his pants.

You all feeling turned on

by that experience?

Oh, he looks quite fit.
Look at that tushie.

Maybe it was all planned.

Be afraid, celebrities,

be very afraid.

Someone's just published
his shocking "warts and all" memoirs

and he's taking no prisoners.

Take it away,

Reginald Dwight.

# I'm still standing
after all this time

The rich and famous around the globe

were quaking in their Pradas

ahead of the October release

of our Elton's expose of his life

and possibly others.

Oh, hello, Bruno off Strictly.

There's one person on the planet
that is going to go,

"Oh, I don't think we should put
that in there." It's not Elton john.

He is the true diva,

so you just know that it contains

all the juicy gossip that you want.

The revelations went from
the sublime

to the ridiculous.

It's just fucking great.

He does not give a flying shit

who he upsets

and God love him for it.

But best of all was the truly
shocking revelation

of an event involving royalty -

yes, the Queen... No, not that one.

...was entertaining one night at home
in Berkshire.

One of the stories

involved this unbelievably glamorous
dinner party

at his house in Windsor.

This was one of my favourite
stories of all time -

of ALL time.

Mm-hm.

We're going to bring some charming
people, obviously,

to entertain Diana,
so they invite...

Sylvester Stallone.

And then, "Hey, let's just add
Richard Gere to the mix."

So within minutes, according
to Elton,

Richard Gere, of course,

has made a
beeline for the beautiful princess.

Princess Di is flirting
with Richard Gere

and Sylvester Stallone
doesn't like it.

Unsurprisingly, seems like she went
for Richard Gere.

MUSIC: Eye Of The Tiger
by Survivor

Things kind of boiled over,

and in the end, Sly Stallone,

according to Elton's biography,

ends up offering Richard Gere

outside for some fisticuffs.

David Furnish goes in to Elton,
and says,

"You need to... Like, there's a bit
of a scuffle

"going on in the hallway."

They go out and look and they're
squaring up to each other.

They're squaring up to each other!

Now, here's the thing -
Richard Gere,

who I love dearly,
he's an incredible actor -

up against Rocky Balboa?

Dude, you back away.

Let the princess go.

Hollywood royalty,

like the biggest
Hollywood actors on the planet,

fighting for her attention.

Like a couple of silly schoolboys.

And apparently, David Furnish

just pretended that nothing
was happening

and went, "Dinner! Dinner's ready!"

That was a tough one.

Linford Christie...

...once the fastest man in the world.

Greg Rutherford...

...Olympic long-jump champion.

Arg...

What united this motley crew?

Channel 4's Sink Or Swim,

which took 11 celebrities who could
barely swim

and trained them up to tackle
the English Channel

for Stand Up To Cancer.

The shocker?

They only went and bloody did
it... almost.

Sink Or Swim was an amazing idea.

"We're going to get some celebrities
who can't really swim.

"We're going to throw them
in the water."

I've never worked as hard

or been committed to anything

like what I did with that
in my whole life.

Don't let the waves do
what they want with you.

They're pulling me. Don't let them.
Come on, come on!

One of the biggest shocks was
in the 500-metres swim

when Sugar Hut's most famous patron

beat the world's third-fastest
ever sprinter

with barely-concealed glee.

That was like nothing
I've done before,

but I whooped Linford

and I whooped Sair

so I'm pleased with that.

HE CHUCKLES

The idea that James Argent

could beat Linford Christie

at anything...

...apart from maybe a crisp eating
competition... you know?

It's amazing, he did brilliantly.

It was supposed
to be technique-based,

but I saw it in my head as a race

because I always loved the fact -
and I'd ring up my friends,

ring up my family and giggle
to myself -

that I've beaten
Linford Christie in a sprint.

CLAMOURING

But if you thought training
was hard enough,

the Channel relay itself,

with eerie-looking night swims,

was brutal.

But there were some moments
of levity.

AFQ, you're going
the wrong way!

Avg, back round'.!

Don't worry,
I don't care what it takes.

No matter what, we will complete
the English Channel.

We will do this and I don't care
what I have to go through

and I made all these promises

and we didn't manage to pull it off.

That's right.

After three months of hard training,

in dramatic final scenes,

bad weather meant the team
had to turn back...

Fuck sake!

...to their visible disappointment.

We could see France.
I could see Calais.

It was...

We could see it clearly.

And they got within five
miles of France

and you're like, "Oh, come on,
five...

"Greg Rutherford could do
one of his jumps,

"just get over there.

"Really? You're so close."

So it was a heartbreaking ending.

So close, yet so far

and it does still hurt.

Ah, still, Arg,

nice to have picked up a new hobby,
eh?

# Who'd be a Channel swimmer?

# Only a fool like me... #

I'm still swimming.

In fact, I really hope and pray

2021...

...my dream is to complete
the English Channel by myself.

That would literally be iconic.

I would actually be
a proper hero then,

if I did that.

You literally actually are our hero,
Arg.

# Only a fool like me

# Would forget he can't swim. #

I just watched
my first-ever episode

of the Kardashians this week.

It was exactly what I thought.

You know, it was the everyday
perils and struggles

of being beautiful billionaires.

You said it, Courtney.

And those struggles don't get
any more real

than for one of those beauties,

especially when it comes to love.

She loves a bad boy,
Khloe Kardashian.

She finally had the daughter
that she'd always wanted, True.

The girl, Khlo, she's done it.

She's got her baby now. She's got
her Mr Right.

She finds out that he's cheated
on her,

not just with any old woman -

a young girl who's
the best friend

of her sister, Kylie.

# I just took a DNA test

# Turns out I'm 100% that bitch... #

That's right, shock fans,

Tristan allegedly did the dirty

with Kylie's bezzy mate,

Jordyn Woods.

I don't know who this Kylie girl is,

but she's not Kylie Minogue,
so I'm not interested

and I don't know who this jordyn is

and she's not Katie Price,
so I'm still not interested!

All right, calm down.

The whole dramatic scene unfolded
before our eyes

with a visibly shocked Kim

in a four-way phone conversation

with Khloe, Kylie and Kourtney.

No, not you.

Khloe Kardashian
just knows how to pick them.

What is wrong
with this woman's picker?

# Don't call me up

# I'm going out tonight

# Feeling good now you're
out of my life... #

Tristan?!

What a nightmare.

# One drink and you're
out of my mind. #

He was already a baby daddy

when he met Khloe.

Surely that's a sign you should
stay away, Khloe.

She didn't.

Yet again, goes tits up.

This was one of the most
shocking stories of the year.

Some, um, cynics

thought that the whole debacle
could have been a publicity stunt

for the new series

of Keeping Up With The Kardashians.

Imagine that!

Anyone who watches the show,
as I do,

would see that Khloe
was in real pain

and I don't believe
that Khloe Kardashian

or any of those girls can win
an Academy Award

for their acting ability,

so I think you'd have to be not
a watcher of the show

to think that this was all fake

because you really saw
a legitimately emotional,

upset reactions.

Like this is my life

and it breaks my soul

and it's happened so many times.

It's not just
to get something trending.

Or...

Like it's my real life,

no-one would ever fake this.

The drama moved on to Twitter,

where Tristan was quick to respond

to reports Khloe had dumped him...

...just a few clays after
Valentine's Day. Aw.

While Khloe's bestie, Malika,

also entered the fray,

Jordyn went on to proclaim
herinnocence

on Jada Pinkett Smith's show,

Red Table Talk,

appearing genuinely upset

to a clearly sympathetic Jada.

The last thing I wanted
to do was be that person.

I'm no home wrecker. Right.

I would never try to hurt
someone's home,

especially someone
that I love. Right.

Which only prompted
Khloe to take to Twitter

once more. Eek!

Now, what's interesting is,
since this blow up,

Tristan has been sending all these

kind of thirsty posts
on Khloe's Instagram,

like, "You look amazing,
you're so hot, you're so gorgeous."

And he's not even hiding the fact

that he would like to get back
together with her.

I think Khloe probably
is considering it as we speak.

I don't know, though,
that her sisters

would allow her to take him back

after everything
that everyone's been through.

# So don't call me up. #

Tell you who's been a bit

uncharacteristically goody two-shoes
this year,

shock regular Justin Bieber.

Thanks, man!

Thanks, Justin, hey!

But in September...

Oh, he's back. Bieber's back.

That's right, Justin knocked
it right out of the park

when, in the longest Instagram post
known to man,

he admitted to having used,
not just drugs,

but hard drugs in his youth.

Justin Bieber finally admits
that he had been messing around

with drugs in a big way.

Bieber coming out and saying
that he had drugs issues,

things that contributed
to his crazy behaviour.

When you're 13, it's not really
your decision to be famous.

You... You can't... I mean, we all
wanted to be famous when we were 13.

And your mum and dad go,
"No, you're going to school."

I spent the day with him once
and, genuinely,

there was a period of time we were
going to go to shoot something,

and someone came in and went,

"No, Justin needs ten minutes
to go rest."

Like, are you kidding me?

And being adored was also
mighty tedious.

He's had that fame since he was 13.

I can't even imagine the amount of
stress that that man goes through.

Great news, though -

Justin went on to say he's now
turned his life around.

He's found Jesus and he spends
a lot of time going to church.

He's now a married man,
basically a monk.

Well, you're half-right.

He DID get married to
Hailey Baldwin.

Hailey. She's not Alec Baldwin's
daughter, is she?

No, the other one.

No, the other one!

I think Hailey's good for him.

They said that they didn't have any
intercourse before their wedding.

That seems like a bunch of bollocks.

Their wedding was brilliant!

They go to this beautiful hotel -

it's like £1,000-a-night
spa retreat -

and even then, Justin Bieber manages
to piss people off, doesn't he?

Oh, only all the other
paying guests -

who were all offered refunds
after being denied access

to the luxury facilities,
as the happy couple

wanted to take over the whole place
for their private nuptials.

If I paid for a luxury holiday
and they said,

"No, no, no, you can't use it
because Bieber's coming,"

I'd sue them.

But it's Justin Bieber!

I don't care!
Who cares about Bieber?

I'd frickin' sue them.

Fair enough.

How dare them?!

Yeah. Who do them think them are?!

# When we walked in,
I said I'm sorry. #

This is one of the biggest
stories worldwide.

I saw it on Sky, I saw it on CNN,
I saw it on Fox.

Attention, everyone. Lenny Kravitz
has lost his sunglasses.

That's right. In September,
after an LA gig,

poor Lenny Kravitz's vintage
sunglasses appeared to fly away.

# I want to get away

# I want to fly away... #

That's how I know Lenny Kravitz -
sunglasses on, wild afro,

no top on, girls magnet...

# I gots to fly away! #

They weren't just
any old sunglasses.

It wasn't Sunglasses Hut.

These were family heirlooms.

No.

Just buy a new pair!

Lenny took to Twitter
with a heartfelt plea

for the sunny safe return.

# But I still haven't found
what I'm looking for. #

Could anyone help him out
to find his favourite sunglasses?

Give me a freaking break!

He set up his own e-mail address,

which anybody can send an e-mail to
at any time.

Send him commiserations
or just saying,

"I hope you find your sunglasses
soon and, during this dark time,

"maybe, you know,
we can sort something out."

The Twittersphere flocked to reply
with appropriate sympathy.

Sort of!

If Lenny Kravitz puts his glass
on the top of his head,

they disappear anyway.
How you seen his afro?

I mean, a couple of years ago,
he was losing his genitals

out of his trousers,
which was shocking enough.

But when your sunglasses go,
what's going to protect your eyes

when that comes wanging out
and smashes you in the face?

Steady!

I just hope he finds those
sunglasses because, if he does,

it's a happy ending.
And you could...

I'm just saying, there's going to be
movie rights available.

If you say so.

But in the meantime, here at
Shock Towers, we want to help.

Obviously, I want to help,
Lenny, so, I mean...

I could put some missing posters
up around Worthing.

I mean, I'm not sure you have been
to Worthing.

I looked everywhere for them.

Everywhere.

Hope you got 'em, Len, cos...
He's a good guy, that Kravitz.

Why is Michaeljackson, an adult,

repeatedly sleeping in the same bed
with a young boy?

Throughout his career, shocking
and persistent rumours

followed the King of Pop.

But in March 2019,

his already-tarnished image
was damaged beyond repair.

It was too much.
I couldn't even watch it all.

It made me feel sick.

It is a really difficult thing
to watch.

British director Dan Reed's
documentary Leaving Neverland,

with its starkly-shot interviews

with Wade Robson and
James Safechuck,

gave us unprecedented,
shocking first-hand accounts

of alleged childhood abuse
at the hands of Jackson.

This harrowing tale of sexual
and emotional trauma was graphic

and X-rated in all
its appalling detail.

Michael would like it if you...

If you would bend over and...

...like, spread, open your cheeks.
That's what he liked.

And then he would masturbate.

"What this is is us,
how we show our love for each other.

"Other people are ignorant
and they're stupid.

"They'd never understand."

If they ever found out what we were
doing, about this sexual stuff,

that he and I would be pulled apart,

and that we'd never be able
to see each other again,

and that he and I would go to jail
for the rest of our lives.

You know, people had to leave
cos they threw up in the lobby

when they first watched
this movie in cinemas.

James Safechuck's candid
on-camera confessionals

made for extremely
unsettling viewing.

He would run drills with me
where we would be in the hotel room

and he would pretend like
somebody was coming in,

and you had to get dressed

as fast as possible
without making noise.

So not getting caught was a big,
like, just kind of fundamental.

That is... calculated.

That's what makes it more
disturbing, you know?

So, basically, when I'm...

It actually makes me feel sick
saying this,

but when I'm fondling with you,
you know,

make sure we're prepared to prepare
yourself to get dressed quicker

and hide, so no-one knows
what's going on. Ah, mate!

The documentary raised
other worrying questions,

including the involvement
of the boy's parents.

The film, I think, is... is...
The focus on your mothers -

did they just miss
what was happening

or did they push it away?
Did they deny it?

How have the parents allowed their
kids to go and stay in a man's house

and sleep in his bed?
What kind of parent are you?

In the run-up to
the documentary's release,

Michael's nephew, Taj, launched
a campaign on London buses

proclaiming his uncle's innocence...

"Facts don't lie. People do."

The implication is that two men
allegedly abused as children

by the singer are liars.

...and Jackson's family came out in
support of him, denying all claims.

When you do something that strong,

when you make an allegation
that strong,

you should get both sides to it,

to make sure that there's validity
and there's truth to it.

Exactly.

Public opinion remains divided.

I still genuinely think that Michael
didn't do any of these things.

You know, a lot of money
has been made

by this documentary being out.
That's all I'll say.

The Michaeljackson camp
and his family said,

"Oh, these are just two people
on the make.

"They're doing this for money."

What money?

I think being heard is, you know,

probably one of the number one wants
of a victim.

But, you know, also,
when all this goes away

and the interest goes away,

you know, we're still left
with being abused.

I think it was devastating
for the Michaeljackson legend.

It ruined his story.

And, frankly, he deserved that
to happen to him.

Stay tuned for shocking splits -

and who's been standing
on Simon's X?

What's he doing here?

You're watching
Most Shocking Celebrity Moments.

What do you think of it so far?

I've just completely been obsessed.

Unbelievable! It was brilliant!

Madame et Monsieur,
willkommen, bienvenue,

welcome to the singing competition
that showcases the campest,

the beadiest, the oldest and
the most ridiculous music acts

that Europe has to offer.

Hang on, that's Madonna!
What's she doing there?

It's the right kind of gig for her.
You know, it's camp, it's fun.

It's not about being good
at singing.

Funny you should say that.

When Madonna took the stage to
belt out her iconic Like a Prayer,

she left the entire congregation
wishing she'd belt up

with this ungodly and woefully
out-of-tune performance,

which went from bad...

# I hear your voice

# Oh, God, I think I'm falling... #

...to worse.

# just like a prayer

# No choice
Your voice can take me there... #

HE MOANS LOUDLY

For anyone needing a reminder
of what it SHOULD sound like,

listen up.

# I hear your voice

# It's like an angel sighing... #

But as for her
Eurovision performance...

It was like an '80s
Walkman cassette

when the batteries are dying.

Oh, Madge, oh, Madge, oh, Madge.

She's become sort of Mrs Clanger,
hasn't she?

You know, "Here comes Madonna!
Wait for the accident!"

The stage looked incredible.

The costumes were amazing -
apart from hers.

Yes, let's take a moment
to look at that, shall we?

The highly-complicated outfit
had us all wondering if she thought

it was a fancy dress party and
left everyone utterly confused.

I... I... What?
GROANS: What is Madonna wearing?

Why? What...?
There's so many...

I mean, there's a clash of
a lot of things going on here -

pirate patch, fucking this,
that, the other.

She looked shit. Terrible.

Blimey! Tough crowd, Madonna.
You worried?

They too have the right
to speak their mind.

Fair dos.

In fact, it's all part of
Madge's new alter ego - Madame X.

What's she like, then, eh?

She is a secret agent.

And by that, I mean
she changes her identity

depending on the situation.

Gotcha! We think.
Wonder if it'll catch on.

It's just going to become
the next big thing.

Your Biebers will be doing it,
your...

Taylor Swift, she'll be doing it.
They'll all be doing it next.

All of the kids. just you watch.
HE MOANS LOUDLY

Arrgh! Same time next year,
then, Madge?

Erm... Yeah.

OVER PA:

# Oh-na-na
What's my name... #

Yes, Shock fans, this was the year
we found out R&B queen

and all-round megastar Rihanna
walks among us, breathes our air,

shops in our shops,
eats our kebabs - probably.

What? What? Rihanna's moved
to London?

I didn't know about this.
What are you talking about?

She hasn't, has she? Yeah...
When did this happen?

The other day. What?
Where's she living? Don't know.

ON PA: Unexpected item
in bagging area.

As well as shopping
in our supermarkets,

RiRi also moved to London
to be nearer

to her Fenty clothing design team,
which is based in Paris.

Little-known fact - the bloke
from the Village People

lived in Newport.
Nobody knew he was there either.

You know, so it happens
all the time.

I mean, I empathise with Rihanna
cos I've lived here for over a year

and nobody knows either.

So, you know, sometimes
you take the good with the bad.

Yeah. That's not
air. That's 80% faeces, 10% cocaine,

and the rest is just...
Yeah.

She's been out and about
and none of us know.

None of us. It's epic!

No surprises that X Factor
has found its way here.

And this year, there was only
one question on all our lips.

That's not Martin Bashir! No!

No!

Oh, we were thinking more, "How
extreme WAS Simon's vegan diet?"

Simon Cowell looks like if
you ordered a Simon Cowell balloon

off the Internet.

He's getting older, but his face
is not getting any older.

Whatever he's doing, it's working.

But enough about Simon's boat race -

as some really shocking news
was that award-winning journalist

Martin Bashir was in
the celebrity line-up.

To see him rocking up on
Celebrity X Factor,

I nearly fell off my sofa.

I was like, "Oh, this is going to be
one of the funny..."

Cos, obviously, X Factor's
got its format.

You got your funny auditionees.

There was nothing funny
about Martin -

and nothing particularly tuneful -
though he was a tryer.

# I is for the way
you look at me

# O is for the only one I see... #

He may have been nervous.

I think he didn't really have much
self belief, in that sense.

I know how he feels!
Cos I did Stars in Her Eyes,

and it was one of the most
frightening things I had ever done.

And I think Martin probably
felt the same.

# Love is more than just
a game for two... #

He got the big exclusive with Diana,
Princess of Wales that I wanted,

so it pains me to say that
he really has got a good voice.

Ah, yes, the iconic interview
that made Martin the envy

of interviewers the world over.

It included those immortal words...

# Love was made for me and you. #

CHEERING

He was great. He entertained.

Everyone loved him,
the audience loved him.

He's a very nice man,
he's very intelligent

and he ticks a lot of boxes -
except the singing box.

Martin managed to last five weeks,
with Megan McKenna going on to win,

but his singing career may not be
in tatters just yet.

I'd collaborate with Martin.

I'd... Come on, let's do it.
Let's do it.

I think he's too nice
to not collaborate with.

Stay tuned for some
extraordinary jungle noises.

SCREAMING

Welcome back.

You're watching Most Shocking
Celebrity Moments 2019.

I could only be surprised -
and it was a pleasant surprise.

HE LAUGHS

And now, here we are
in the jungles of Australia...

...where, if you listen carefully,

you might just hear the sounds
of the local flora and fauna.

Yeah!

This year's I'm a Celeb was
a series of audible shocks.

SCREAMING

I think there's definitely
been a lot more...

HE HOWLS

...stranger sounds coming out
of the people this year.

SCREAMING

Let's kick off with everyone's
favourite striker.

HE SCREAMS

I couldn't believe
that big Ian Wright...

Yeah, he was screaming!
It was hysterical.

HE SCREAMS

SCREAMI NG CONTINUES

He's all, like, Macho Man -
and then, like...

SHE IMITATES HIS SCREAM

...the minute anything
catches him by surprise.

It must be some kind of outlet.

And some of the noises
were very odd indeed.

I imagine he had to go...
SHE GROANS

...just to reassure himself
that his mouth is closed.

HE GROANS

The helmet was on, he went,
"H00! H00! H00!"

HE GROANS

You got it!

GROANING CONTINUES
Keep it going, keep it going...

It was so odd.

Who makes that sound if they're
in such discomfort?

Quite a lot of people, apparently,
judging by this shocking lot.

GROANING

Kate likes to be quite vocal
about things -

and I don't blame her, actually.

SHE GROANS, SQUEALS

I completely identify with that.

SHE HUMS

It helps you. Yes, it helps you.

You're going through this rough,
traumatic experience...

SHE GROANS

...and you just concentrate on
something else,

take your mind off it.

HE BEATBOXES

And to take their minds off
all the creepy crawlies,

the celebs entertained each other
with some peculiar

and downright shocking noises.

Didgeridoo! Do it!

HE IMITATES DIDGERIDOO

If you're going to show off
your didgeridoo impression,

do it in Australia. It's going to
go down a storm. And it has.

And it was very, very funny,

and it was very, very loud
and it was very convincing.

I think his didgeridoo impersonation
does have the X Factor.

That's the best thing
I've ever seen him do.

But even better, I thought,
was jacqueline's baby.

Ah, that was fantastic!

SHE IMITATES BABY CRYING

You said it! Sometimes the noises
came out as actual sentences.

Don't go up my noo-noo!
They're going up my noo-noo!

B99 Pardon?

What grown woman says noo-noo?

Stop going up my noo-noo!

I've known Kate Garraway for years.

I've never even heard her use that
word. Actually, why would she?

It would seem odd in just normal
day-to-day company, but...

I've got one in my noo-noo, Bob.

Bring tweezers!

Yes, very odd.

Something about that word coming out
of Kate's mouth was very amusing.

GROANING

Classic observational comedy!

This is the story
of a multi-millionaire pop lady

who finds her brand-new husband
tasty - perhaps a little too tasty.

Licking his face at the Met Gala
like she did would hack anyone off.

That is gross.

Stop it. What was she doing?
What was she thinking?

All the cameras were on her.

And they can see Liam
painfully going through,

trying to be as kind
as he possibly can

but looking incredibly
uncomfortable.

When they got married
this year,

I think a lot of us breathed
a sigh of relief cos we thought,

"Oh, OK, they had a happy ending
and they've settled down"

and "OK, it's good."

They were like
America's little sweethearts.

You know, she was a rebel
without a cause.

And then when she got back
together with him,

she calmed right down and
she became humble pie again

and everyone just
loved them together.

But that was very short-lived.

Yep! Seven months of wedded bliss,
and then they split.

I was really shocked,
cos I just think...

You know, you go to the effort
of getting married

and look so happy, and then -
suddenly, overnight - it's gone.

And then the next minute, she has
got her tongue down the throat

of Brodyjenner's ex-wife, Kaitlynn.

Or, according to Team Hemsworth,

Miley was possibly doing a bit of
bouncing during the marriage, too,

which she strongly denies.

Shortly after Miley and Kaitlynn
went on her little love tour,

Liam actually filed for divorce.

Liam thought, "Yep, we're marrying.
We're going to have a family.

"This is our future."

And I think it was a shock to him
as it was to everybody else.

Oh, poor him! He won't be able
to find anybody else -

cos he's obviously a hunk of a man.

But stranger things were afoot,

as Miley quickly found herself
rolling her tongue

over another Australian -
singer Cody Simpson.

Now she's with a guy,
licking each other's faces.

It does seem like a bit of a cry
for help, actually,

because you just think,
"What is going on?

What is actually going to
make you happy?"

SLURPING

Who would I back in a fight
between the Schof and the Holden?

I think I might have to back Amanda.

I reckon she's...
I reckon she'd have him.

Yes! This summer, in the red corner,
featherweight champion Amanda Holden

went head-to-head with TV
heavyweight the Silver Fox himself,

confirming feud rumours that had
been circulating for months.

Amanda Holden was going to get
the plum gig

sitting beside Phillip Schofield
on the This Morning sofa

while Holly Willoughby was
down under, standing in for Ant.

And then all of the sudden,
she wasn't getting it.

Awks! Why is that?

Major awks!

So Rochelle Humes got the role
instead of Amanda.

Amanda Holden, she was furious.

# Cos, baby, now we got
bad blood... #

The rumour mill went into overdrive.

Phillip Schofield is
a big act at ITV

and Amanda couldn't give a shit.
She just said what she thought!

# Now we got problems... #

What was shocking about this
was that, actually,

both of them are huge ITV names,

and it's very rare that you would
see this sort of fallout

between a channel's key talent.

Some pretty big people came out
and sided with Amanda -

Simon Cowell and TOWIE royalty -

while Team Phillip also waded
into the ring.

According to Amanda,
she had offered reconciliation,

but Schof was having none of it.

Recently, more reports have come out
from other co-stars -

and even from our favourite
Loose Woman, Ruth Langsford,

who was less than happy with Schof.

Adding fuel to the fire.

I've loved Amanda,
I loved Christine,

but having Holly back is superb.

Hm! There are rumours there, too,
I'm afraid, which prompted ITV

to issue clear statements
on the matter in support of Phillip,

calling him a
much-respected broadcaster.

Phillip kept a dignified silence,
but did share on Twitter.

He tweeted, saying, in his 35 years,

he had always tried to be
the nicest person to work with.

Poor Schof! If he did want to get
closure with Amanda,

we know just how he can do it.

I think they should be made
to fight to the death.

Don't go changing,
Shock fans - cos next,

Hollywood royalty
in the celebrity jungle.

It's not as much fun
as it used to be.

Welcome back to our Shockateria.

Stop going up my noo-noo!

We wouldn't dream of it!

Caitlyn's here!

Yes! After years of rumours

and promises of a Kardashian
in the jungle,

finally in November, we got one!

# Welcome to the jungle... #

# Caitlyn Jenner is amazing! #

Hey!

Oh, my God!
I absolutely love her!

I want to go do it again.

In some way, I'm part of the
royal family of entertainment.

It's the most watched family
in the world by a country mile.

And she didn't need the bugs either,

but we soon saw exactly
what she was made of -

as she took everything
in her stride.

For the first time,
we got to see HER -

the real Caitlyn Jenner - because,
up until now, we've often seen her

within the Kardashian environment,
which is really hard to relate to.

Do you guys have to have security
everywhere you go?

Kylie will spend between
$3-400,000 a month.

I'm going to get in so much
trouble when I get home!

It's really unrelatable, that world.

But Caitlyn showed
no airs and graces

when it came to
the Bushtucker Trials...

Oh, shit!

...even the really gross ones!

CHEERING

Ow!

You saw her being a really strong
person for everybody else...

...and not being a diva.

It's not as much fun
as it used to be.

THEY LAUGH

And she definitely didn't disappoint
when it came to letting us know

just how well connected she is.

She's the most down-to-earth
billionaire I've ever met.

He was kind of friends of the
family... Was he? ..Michaeljackson.

Trump, he called me on Father's Day.

Kanye... OJ... Kanye... Kourtney...

I know a lot of these people.

She certainly kept this year's
camp-mates' morale up...

Whey aye, pet!

...with her positivity -
no matter how early it was.

Not just another day! Another day
to excel, another day to be great!

Rise and shine!

Dare to be great!

Caitlyn did brilliantly,
and felljust short of making

it to the final.

She has been and was
absolutely brilliant.

She was the best money
that ITV could have spent.

All right.

I mean, I suppose if it was going
to kick off, it wasn't going

to be the Oscars or the Brits,

it was going to be the
TV Choice Awards.

And this year it kicked off royally
when Emmerdale's Asan N'jie

launched a shocking attack on
Hollyoaks' Jamie Lomas.

When you go to those kind of events,
you know

that all of the big bosses
are going to be there.

You've got to be on best behaviour.

You've got to grab an opportunity to
have a chat with the TV bigwigs

in hope of landing something.

The problem is, it's not televised.

So people are drinking,
and when they drink, they do things

they wouldn't normally do.

SHOUTING

Because everyone's got camera
phones now, they can't afford

to misbehave in this sort
of way at awards dos.

We were all standing there chatting
and all of a sudden

we heard a bit of kerfuffle.

And I looked round thinking
it was people, like, larking

about, trying to get attention.

Then at one point there was a punch
thrown.

The bloke off Emmerdale, that night,
ironically, he was nominated

for best newcomer.

I mean, he was best at something -
best at ruining your career

in about four minutes.

The room that they carried the fight
on into was the press room.

So, I mean, that is really thick.

SHOUTING

I've been to so many awards,
I've never seen anything like it.

Threatening to knife somebody...

I just think it was... It's
unacceptable, really.

Reports suggested that the two
had beef over money, but settling

it in a brawl? Not clever.

To go there...

...and start a punch-up is literally
what... It's career suicide.

What was he thinking, the geezer?

He may have been pondering the irony
that in a harrowing storyline early

this year, his soap character was
himself a knife crime victim.

But his Emmerdale clays are now

behind him.

When you go to cover an awards,

you sort of think you're going to
get someone off Strictly talking

about how they're a bit tired

and someone else saying
they want to do Strictly.

You don't usually get a full-on
tear-up.

It's only a
TV Choice Award!

In May, Desperate Housewives star
Felicity Huffman turned real-life

Desperate Mother.

She ended up in court on charges
of conspiracy to commit fraud

for paying $15,000
to have her daughter's exam results

secretly improved.

Well, Felicity Huffman turns out
to be the ultimate criminal

tiger mother, doesn't she?

Her kid wasn't going to get into
university, but you can pay

a company that can then get your kid

into university via some

manipulation of answers,
which I think in my day

was called cheating.

Felicity was part of a group
of SO-odd wealthy parents

who were charged, but she was
by far the most famous.

They must've felt that they needed
to really just make an example

of somebody very high-profile.

And so she was convicted, fined
$30,000, given 250 hours

of community service,

and worst of all,
sentenced to prison.

The judge is not overly
nice about it.

So she gets 14 days.
14 days of prison.

14 clays of wearing a very
unglamorous outfit,

which had previous celebrity

jailbird, Martha Stewart,
getting her claws out.

But if you think this is shocking,

there was more juicy Wisteria Lane
gossip to come.

She gets her friends to write a
letter to the judge to say

what a great person she really is,
and she's misunderstood.

One of those people is Eva Longoria.

It started nicely enough
as a glowing character

reference for Felicity.

But while trying to save her friend
from the big house, Eva Longoria

threw one of the wives
under the bus by saying that someone

had been a bully.

It's such a peculiarly odd
thing to do.

Who bullied her?
That's what I want to know.

Let's tread carefully.
Bit litigious those Americans.

It could be Teri Hatcher
or Nicollette Sheridan.

Or it could be either of them,
or both of them,

or neither of them. They are
American, so they do sue.

Who was it?
Do we know who it was?

Because I've gone through them
all and they all look

like they could... My money's on...
Cut!

Stay tuned, because we've got
a difficult duchess...

...and a damaged Demi.

That's pretty frickin' bad, innit?

We're at the business end
of the evening.

Bear with us, viewers.

The shocks are getting shockier.

Everybody loves redemption.

I love the rebuilding someone,
cos it shows your strength

and character.

And tonight, not one, not two,

but a hat-trick of sports stars
turned wrong 'uns, who in 2019

have done the unthinkable

and, against all odds, redeemed
themselves.

Tyson Fury is an absolute legend.

In a roller-coaster career
of 11 years,

the Gypsy King's gone from wiping

out Klitschko to total wipe-out.

He had three years out of the ring.

He'd become morbidly obese.

It looked like he would never
fight again.

He had all that time off,
went all through them problems...

...and he came back and arguably
beat the number one heavyweight

in the world, Deontay Wilder.

People just love Tyson Fury.

MUSIC: The Man
by The Killers

He won one fight in June
and another in September.

He's got an autobiography out
at the moment, which is, I think,

a Sunday Times bestseller. He's

recording a Christmas single with

Robbie Williams.

Actually, it does, if you're
this disgraced golfer.

What a name. You couldn't be
rubbish at golf if you're called

Tiger Woods.

Trust me, Tiger Woods is the best
in the world ever.

But in 2009, Tiger started
on a downward spiral

that seemed never-ending.

Go ahead and stand with your feet
together and your arms out

by your sides.

By 2017, the world
had written him off.

He was, like, 1,200th
in the world.

He was worse than me.

Until April 2019.

That was it! Once Tiger Woods was
healed, ain't no-one

fucking with Tiger Woods
once he's healed.

Tiger Woods has won his fifth
green jacket at the Masters.

His first major
title in more than a decade.

He made the greatest comeback
in history, in any sport.

To win the Masters was amazing.

Our last story of sporting
redemption features

willow on leather.

Ben Stokes started his England
career in 2011 and climbed

up the ranks to Vice Captain.

But in 2017, outside this classy
nightclub, the cricketer got

involved in a brawl and was
arrested.

When The Sun released pictures,

his freedom and career
looked on the line.

I thought, "Oh, my gosh, I hope he's
got a good lawyer,

"because it's not looking good."

At court, Stokes was found
not guilty of affray.

Turns out he was actually
defending others.

Stokes' redemption started
with his pivotal role in England's

dramatic World Cup final win.

But more drama was to come
at the Ashes.

He went out to bat
with this Herculean task.

He'd have to stay there
at the crease for, like, 24 hours.

There's no way he's going to do it.

And I think it was that attitude,
like, "You know what?

"I'm going to fucking go for it."

He did.

Stokes almost single-handedly
levelled the ashes at one-all.

The Aussies retained the trophy, but
Stokes'

redemption was complete.

His innings was described as one
of the greatest of all time,

and he won Sports Personality
of the Year.

That's exactly the kind of plucky
story that the Brits like.

Villain to a hero, literally.

It's been an annus horribilis
for the Duke and Duchess of Sussex

this year. They've made
a lot of mistakes this year.

The renovations of Frogmore House.

2.3 million is an awful
lot of money.

To preach about the environment
and then take private jets

is just stupid.

And many Royal watchers
seem to think that Meg

wasn't playing the game.

If you want a private life,
don't marry into the Royal family.

There was a new arrival in May,

but even that didn't go right.

We love the Royals.

The world loves the Royals.

Yeah, we want to know the little
details, we want to know who the

kid's godparents are. We want to see
a picture of your baby.

Everyone loves a picture of a baby,
especially a Royal one.

Maybe they're just trying to give
it this sort of moment of privacy

before it is thrust into the world,
like Simba on The Lion King.

Aaaaaah!

And speaking of lions, in October

it seemed they were finally turning

public opinion around on their tour
of South Africa.

I am here with you as a mother,
as a wife, as a woman,

as a woman of colour,
and as your sister.

CHEERING

That royal tour of South Africa

was in the process of being a
triumph.

They kiboshed the whole thing by
issuing a vitriolic

statement about press intrusion
at the end.

Perhaps you could just give us
an idea of what the last year

has been like.

Um...

It's not enough to just survive
something, right?

Like, that's not the point of life.

You've got to thrive.
You've got to feel happy.

And I think I really tried to adopt
this British sensibility

of a stiff upper lip.

Yeah, well, I guess, and also thank
you for asking, because not many

people have asked if I'm OK.

It's legitimate to criticise
them for that

compelling but tactically appalling

documentary with Tom Bradby.

I don't blame Tom, I don't blame
ITV. It was good viewing.

It was good telly.

But from Harry and Meghan's
point of view, a disaster.

Women have to take boxing lessons
to try to protect themselves

against the constant scourge
of rape.

To stand there and complain
about YOUR life - your privileged,

rich, royal life -

when you've been touring
the townships of South Africa

was ridiculous.

As the year ends,

opinion remains divided.

I think people should be a little
kinder. You know,

she's a young woman
who just had a baby.

Some parts of the British public
and press have taken against her,

and I don't think it's been fair.

For quite a long time, Demi Moore
was the most successful female film

star in the world.

But behind closed doors,

it was a very different story -

one that would come out in 2019
with a warts-and-all autobiography,

Inside Out,

that would stun the world.

This was going to be a
no-holds-barred.

This was going to be everything
about Bruce, Ashton...

You just knew no-one was
going to get away with this.

No-one was coming out unscathed.

A terrible childhood.

You know, eating disorders

and alcohol addiction and drug
addiction and, you know, terrible

marriage choices and a big rift
with her daughters,

and everything horrible you could
ever imagine.

It's brave to be that honest

and open up about your private life.

But then it opens up a huge
can of worms.

And she was even braver
when she went on US national TV

to discuss her troubled life
in an interview that would shock us

to our core.

Including an alleged rape as a
15-year-old,

seemingly with the knowledge
of her own mother.

I think...

In my deep heart, no, I don't think
it was a straightforward

transaction.

But she still did give him
the access.

Demi's book also revealed
the breakdown of her marriages

to both Bruce Willis
and Ashton Kutcher.

We all remember when Demi Moore
first got married to a much younger,

very handsome man who appeared
to adore her.

But clearly, behind the scenes, they
tried to have a baby and failed.

She lost the baby, tragically, but
she blamed it on, unsurprisingly,

on the fact that she'd fallen
off the wagon and was drinking

while she was pregnant.

We learned intimate details
about their sex life.

She says how Ashton influenced
her into having threesomes.

Poor old Demi Moore, having a really
hideous time of it, having a

threesome with old Ashton Kutcher.

Think of the pressure she must
have felt and been under.

If your partner is the one who wants
to have more sexual adventures

and you're like, "Oh, no,
I don't want to,"

and then suddenly you think,
"Oh! You're going to leave me

"if I don't do this!"

So you called him.

What did you say to him?

I asked if it was true.

And...

...he admitted it right away.

And I think my response was...

... "Are you BLEEP kidding me?!"

These revelations have only made
us love Demi Moore even more.

I think it's brave for anyone
in the public domain

to open up about such toxicity
and her substance abuse

and to be open and honest
about it, because this is real.

And the more we talk about all this,
the better, I think.

This is possibly the greatest,
most shocking story

I think we've ever had.

Since first airing in 2015,
US drama Empire proved itself

to be a massive hit. As well
as being heavy on the melodrama,

it was lauded for being
ground-breaking in its positive

depiction of its black gay
character, Jamal, played by

real-life black gay actor
jussie Smollett.

But the real drama was played
out off-screen in a truly

shocking plot twist.

Jussie Smollett. Now, if you don't
know who he is,

let me give you a little recap.
So, last January,

jussie Smollett was beaten

and abused by two men

in a race hate crime.

A rope was put around his neck
and he was dragged

to the floor and beaten.

Or so he told Chicago police,

and later ABC News
in a captivating interview.

The distressing detail made
for extremely uncomfortable viewing.

The attacker, masked,

and he said,

"This MAGA country, BLEEP!"
Punches me right in the face.

Then I looked down and I see
that there's a rope around my neck.

In the world of showbusiness,

especially sort of Hollywood
show business,

if you can position yourself
as the poor, put-upon victim,

horror of horrors, of both race

and homophobic hate,

then everybody will go,
"Oh, you poor thing.

"Great. Oh, have this role.
Do that."

The outrageous details got Americans
all fired up in support.

If you go the wrong way and it's
found out that you cheating or

pretending something has happened,
then a lot of doors are closed.

And to everyone's horror,

jussie was accused of not
just pretending, but orchestrating

the whole horrific incident,

and jussie himself was arrested.

That's pretty frickin' bad, innit?

Oh... I don't even know
what to say.

Like, what can you say to that?

This has gone way too far.

I know that people will do anything
to get a bit of publicity,

but this is ridiculous.

To this day, jussie maintains
his innocence, but the authorities

believed he was complicit.

And weirder still when police
made a discovery.

They later displayed a cheque
for... l think it was $3,600,

from one jussie Smollett.

But the Chicago Police have made
it very, very clear

that they don't believe
a word of what he said.

And so the now publicly vilified

jussie's first session in court
in mid-March saw him charged with 16

counts of disorderly conduct.

Jussie, will you speak to us
afterwards, please?

I can imagine people that have
actually been through them attacks

would be pretty damn peed
off that he'd made a complete hoax

of it.

But they were about to be even more
peed off. For reasons

no-one has been able to fathom,

a further emergency court
appearance was held soon

after and all charges were dropped,

his record wiped clean.

. BLEEP?!

Hollywood distanced themselves
immediately,

and guilty or innocent,
Fox confirmed

jussie would not be returning
to Empire.

I suspect that he probably won't get
his own five-picture deal off the

back of his behaviour.

Jussie still stands by his version,

and investigations, lawsuits
and counter lawsuits

have continued ever since.

You're a bad guy.

You're a pretty...
You're a bit of a dick.

Stay tuned as we'll be discussing
Geri's Spice rack.

She had great boobs.

Welcome back, shock fans.

It's been a hell of a ride so far.

But guess what?

There's even bigger shocks to come!

I think that's brilliant.
I think that's fantastic.

It's the celeb story of easily
the past five years.

Easily.

That was a shocking story this year.

Come on, give us some dirt.
Give us some dirt.

Dirt, you say? OK.

The show was Life Stories and we
were about to hear the hottest

scoop of the year.

Yeah.

Now, that is my kind of
entertainment.

Entertaining and shocking to learn
that Miss Melanie Brown

off the Spice Girls got a bit
zig-a-zig-ah with band-mate

Geraldine Estelle Halliwell.

Oh. my!

MUSIC: Who Do You Think You Are
by Spice Girls

We knew this chat was going
to be juicy, but not this juicy!

But that's like girl power squared!

Girl power to the power of scissor!

Mel's juicy revelations got
the whole world talking

about the Spice Girls again and sent
the press into a frenzy.

I love the way Mel B was like,
"You know, it was just one night.

"What of it?"

Oh, stop it, you pervert!

LAUGHTER

She dropped the intimate bombshell
just ahead of the Spice Girls'

reunion tour.

This story, it's being kept under
wraps for the last 20 years.

Super secret, this was. For it to
come out now, just in advance of the

tour, is a terrible thing to happen.

It's amazing, because, like, that's

surely going to damage interest.

Well, being one Spice down
wasn't so terrible.

Ha! Victoria who?

And the now well-publicised tour
went storming ahead

with all our other favourite Spices.

MUSIC: Wannabe
by Spice Girls

Though surely the dressing room
atmos must have been awks

after Mel's racy revelations.

She's going to hate me for this, cos
she's all posh in her country

house, with her husband!

Geri is not the same Geri that she
was in the Spice Girls years ago.

Ah, well, now, at least
you have your memories

of when two really did become one.

MUSIC: 2 Become 1
by Spice Girls

She had great boobs.

LAUGHTER

Ooh, zig-a-zig-ah!

It makes me cringe a little bit
every time I think about it.

I thought that interview
for Newsnight

was actually jaw-dropping.

The moral blindness was astounding.

On the 16th of November,

Prince Andrew sat down with
Newsnight's Emily Maitlis and gave

an interview that misfired
on an epic scale,

effectively ending his lifelong role
as a working Royal.

It's a perfect example. You should
take that and show people in media

training courses in the future and
say, "This is how you do not sort of

"hold yourself in an interview, and how
you answer questions and how you..."

It was just so dramatically out of
touch.

It was true the Prince's stammering
and hesitant responses did not

present him well
to the viewing nation.

But you were staying at the house...
Yes... of a convicted sex offender.

It was a convenient place
to stay.

And I admit fully

that my judgment was probably
coloured by my...

...tendency to be too honourable.

You're not divorcing your wife
over the phone here.

We're talking about you just phoning
somebody who's sort of a mate, sort

of isn't, went to prison. That's a very
easy phone call. That's a text. Don't even

phone him. just, like, "I'm not going to see
you again because it's a bit weird. Bye."

You know, just like that.

If "too honourable" instantly
captured

the public attention, and not
in a good way, the answers became

even more outlandish.

What was meant as a
reputation-affirming piece was

anything but, as HRH simply came
across as imperious

and self-important.

On that particular day

that we now understand

is the date, which is March 10th,

I was at home.

I was with the children.

I'd taken Beatrice to a
Pizza Express in Woking.

Why would you remember that so
specifically? Why would you remember

a Pizza Express birthday and being
at home?

Because going to Pizza Express
in Woking is an unusual

thing for me to do.

With Andrew's defence
including being unable to sweat,

the interview was the equivalent
of letting him tie his own shoelaces

together and try and stand up.

Maybe he just Googled.

"Is there something where you don't sweat?
Yes, there is, this. That's what I have."

It's so ridiculous that it probably
is true, but it's so ridiculous

in amongst that interview
that you can't possibly

take it seriously.
That's the problem.

The prince's defence apparently
disproved allegations put to him

by Emily Maitlis on whether
it was indeed him photographed next

to Epstein victim Virginia Roberts,
the woman who claimed to have slept

with the Duke back in 2001
when she was just 17 years old.

But it's possible that it was you
with your arm around her?

That's me, but whether that's my
hand or whether that's the position,

I... But I don't...

I have simply no recollection

of a photograph ever being taken.

I don't believe it's a picture of me
in London, because when I would go

out to... when I got out in London, I
wear a suit and a tie.

It was completely unconvincing, it
was... You know,

even if what he's saying is true,
he's not saying it in a sincere way.

So then, as a viewer,
you're going,

"Is he lying? It sort of feels like
he's lying. Maybe he's not, but

"it feels like he is."
There's a photo of you with her.

"Is there? Don't recall it."
Is it you? "Yes,

"but that might not be my arm."
Oh! Like, what?

It's just like no-one talked him
through it beforehand.

The entire interview seemed
shrouded in misplaced arrogance,

and the very grand old Duke of York
allegedly told his mm -

AKA Her Majesty the Queen -

that it had been a success!

But literally no-one agreed
with him.

Just four days after the interview
aired, Prince Andrew announced

he was stepping down
from royal duties.

It marks a remarkable fall from
grace for a prince

who was once one of the Royal
family's most popular members.

In a statement released earlier
yesterday evening, he expressed

sympathy for Epstein's victims -
something he failed to do

in an interview at the weekend.

It's a shocker. I think he'll
probably have to keep a very low

profile for a very long time.

Coming up - who on Earth has made
it to the top spot?!

That is the story of the year.

Welcome back.

Time to reveal who's beaten all
others to take our shocking crown.

This is my favourite story
that's ever happened.

This is next level.

This truly is next level.

It came out of nowhere.

It was just another ordinary day.

All of us got up that morning
not knowing that our lives

were going to be changed forever.

The nation went into meltdown
in October over four

small but revealing words.

Now, a very public row has broken
out between the wives of two

high-profile footballers.

And here's what happened.

But Mrs Wayne Rooney noticed
that some of this "real shit"

was appearing in The Sun newspaper.

So she embarked on a one-woman
mission to find out the so-called

friend who was flogging
the dirt to the red tops.

I mean, this was a six-month
investigation

into who was selling these stories.

Coleen Rooney's trap to find
the culprit was genius.

Sensational headlines about life
chez Rooney started to appear

in the tabloids, but were fake,

as wag-turned-super-sleuth Coleen
had posted them on her Instagram

to lure the culprit.

Step one accomplished.

Time for step two.

With all but one person blocked,

step three was planting the final
fake story, which again

made the news.

She created a story about a leaky
basement because, you know,

I've flooded my basement before,

and it's hard to get rid of the
damp.

Coleen Rooney's leaky basement -

which sounds like the worst
porno ever, doesn't it?

No pun intended,

she thought, "My leaky floor is now
a story."

THe jigsaw now complete,

Coleen was ready for the fourth
and final step -

a whodunnit reveal on Twitter!

Her compelling tweet read
like a crime novel, detailing

the sting along with the damning
results of her investigation.

Oh, my God!

What's going on there?!

No-one knew,

but we couldn't get enough of it.

There's not many stories that have
me literally refresh my timeline,

trying to get more information.

It was covered by every single news
outlet, from the high-brow,

it was the story that had got the
nation gripped.

Not just the nation.

The story went global, and Colleen
got a brand-new pen name.

Whoever coined that phrase needs a
book deal.

The way it was just written
was so clever.

I mean, Coleen Rooney,

she should be writing thrillers,
because that twist, no-one

saw it coming.

I think she should start a detective
agency, an online detective agency.

If there was a Hollywood
scriptwriter out there now,

get a script written and let's
make a movie.

Heavily pregnant Rebekah
immediately penned her own tweet,

denying the claims and criticising
Coleen for going public.

Did someone else have access
to Rebekah's account?

It's a possibility, isn't it?

These wags, they've far too much
time on their hands.

Have more kids, get some jobs.

Rebekah also announced
she would be hiring forensic cyber

security to find out how her account
was implicated in the crime.

She was like, no, cos there's
no point in arguing with a pigeon.

You know what a pigeon's going to
do. It's going to shit on your head.

She actually likened Coleen Rooney
to fucking pigeon.

It's the best analogy I've ever
heard.

When I read it, I phoned her and was
like,

"Are you actually kidding me?" She
went, "Oh, my God!

"I didn't mean it..." I said, "No,
it's brilliant."

I'd be lying if I said I can't wait
for the next instalment.

And so we must say goodbye
to Coleen, Rebekah

and all our celebrity chums.

See you next year!

MUSIC: I Think We're Alone Now
by Tiffany

# There doesn't seem to be
anyone around

# I think we're alone now

# The beating of our hearts
is the only sound. #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media