Moses Storm: Trash White (2022) - full transcript

♪♪♪

[cheers and applause]

♪♪♪

[cheers and applause continue]

Crazy will always beat scary.

Do you know what I mean by that?

It's not a great thesis.
It's not profound,

but legitimately,
that is the closest I have come

to forgiveness in my life.

So for most of my life,
my mom was a single parent.

Five kids. No child support.



We were on food stamps.

When those ran out,
we would dumpster dive for food.

A lot of people find it hard
to believe

that I was ever that poor,
'cause look at this shit.

[laughter]

Like, not only do I look like,

"Meh, everything just, like,
worked out."

I look like the kind of, like,
white, wealthy--

I look like I was conceived in
an Ivy League a capella concert.

[laughter]

[cheers and applause]

You know what I mean?
Where it is, like, that...

♪ Shimmy-doo-wop,
my dad owns every university ♪

♪ Shimmy-doo-wop,
what is adversity? ♪



It's not just rich either,
right?

It is, like, evil rich, right?

It's like a "Game of Thrones"
King Joffrey type of rich.

It looks like I found a way
to monetize human suffering.

I run
a for-profit private prison,

or even worse,
I have a YouTube prank channel,

where it's like, uh,
they all look like me.

It's a guy committing, like,
a crime on camera.

He's like,
"What is the prank, bro?

What's up? I'm Tyler, and today,

we're about to steal
this old woman's insulin."

[laughter]

I grew up very poor
in a big family.

One summer, my two sisters,

they go
to this cheerleading day camp

that's discounted
for low-income people,

because the woman that runs it
is very religious.

About five minutes up the road
is a boys basketball camp

that I really wanted to go to.

But because my mom wanted to
save that little bit of money,

little bit of drive time,
she goes,

"Oh. Why don't you just attend
the cheerleading camp

with your sisters?
Basically the same thing."

[laughter]

Huh? No, those are
two wildly different things.

That's like if you were
in a restaurant,

and you tried to order a Coke,
and the server was like,

"Actually, we don't have Coke,

but is it okay
if I just frame you for arson?

In my head,
it's the same thing."

8 years old,
no control over my life,

I go to this cheer camp.
I was like,

you know what I'll do?
I'll just lay low all summer.

I won't participate
in any of the cheers.

I'll be in the back.

Right? We've seen
male cheerleaders before.

They're like the spotter.
I'll do that.

Turns out, it's pretty hard
to lay low at a cheer camp

when you are not only
the only boy out of 37 girls,

but you are also the smallest
of all the girls.

[laughter]

Why is that important?

Smallest girl
in every cheer squad

is what's known as the...

AUDIENCE: Flyer!

The flyer. So the flyer
is the delicate little angel

that's always getting tossed up
in the air...

[cheers and applause]

...because her delicate,
like, bird bones

are too dangerous
to support anyone

and is the safest to be thrown
by minors.

Unprofessional minors,
by the way.

This isn't like
Netflix "Cheer" quality girls.

This is day camp quality girls.
You know what that means?

Day camp? These girls don't even
have the heart and commitment

to go to a sleepaway camp.

They're just stopping by
at 2 p.m.

to drop me on a rubber mat

that's somehow harder
than the floor?

Do you even want this, Marisa?

Because right now you're trying
to make Nationals

with a real Regionals attitude.

[laughter and applause]

So the whole time
that I'm being...

[panting and gasping]

[grunts]

...reluctantly tossed
in the air,

our cheer instructor,
Mrs. Schmidt, is yelling at me,

"Smile! You're at the top
of a pyramid,

not the top of the cross!"

[laughter]

She's very religious.

Every time that the girls
would drop me,

which happened...
all of the time,

Mrs. Schmidt would have all
the girls crowd around me

in a semicircle, and they would
all start clapping.

They would go... [chanting]
"Make noise, make noise.

Make nose, make noise."

So not a hospital.

If anything, just a way
to sort of drown out

any screams of pain
in case the janitor comes by,

like, "Nothing to see here!
Business as usual!"

Roll my body up in a rubber mat
and then throw me into a swamp.

But eventually I make it
to the boys basketball camp

because at the end
of the summer,

the big grand finale
for us gals...

[laughter]

...is we get to go up
to the boys camp--

-AUDIENCE MEMBER: So sad!
-...and cheer them--So sad.

[laughter and applause]

An adult that knew they were
on camera for a taping went,

"So sad."

[laughter and applause]

Thank you.

[laughter and applause]

Big grand finale for us gals is
we get to go up to the boys camp

and cheer them on
during one of their games.

So sad!

[laughter and applause]

Mrs. Schmidt comes to me,
and she goes,

"Oh, my God,
so you're gonna laugh."

I'm like, "Fuckin' try me!"

[laughter]

"We ordered the uniforms
at the beginning of the summer

before we knew
that you were gonna join us.

So all we have are skirts.

Don't worry.
I wouldn't do that to you.

Why don't you just bring a pair
of blue shorts from home?"

I have an idea.

Why don't you just kill me
right where I stand?

So I walk up
to this boys basketball camp

in blue shorts

and a top with a neckline
that could only be described

as not unisex,

low sweeping "V,"

and because of my delicate,
little bird bone frame,

it's--it's--it's falling
off the shoulder.

Little tease for the boys.
Ahh.

Bitch, you wanna see
these chocolates?

Mnh-mnh!

[laughter]

We walk up
to the boys basketball camp.

Before the boys can even
take the court for their game,

they're like, "Get up there!
Show 'em what you learned."

We start the boys off

with probably
our most masculine cheer.

[chanting] "All right, boys,
show us what you got!

Show us what you got, boys,
show us what you got!"

[cheers and applause]

[cheers and applause continue]

Now I don't know if you've ever
had to cheer someone on

as they bully you.

[laughter]

But it's a lot like
if someone shot you

and then it was your job
to reload their gun for them.

Oh, don't worry.

It gets way worse,
section that's not that into it.

[laughter and applause]

Fucking halftime rolls around.

Now we have a cheer
with participation built in.

We have the cheer,
goes like this.

[chanting] "We got spirit!
Yes, we do!

We got spirit! How 'bout you?"

And the boys are supposed to go,
"Yeah!"

And we go, "I can't hear you!"

And they go, "Yeah!"
even louder.

So as the flyer, I have to step
right out in front.

[chanting] "We got spirit!
Yes, we do!

We got spirit! How 'bout you?"

The boys take this opportunity
to yell,

"You're a cheer queer!"

And then I have to chime back in
with, "I can't hear you!"

[laughter and applause]

[grunts]

"Smile! Not the cross!"

[cheers and applause]

I didn't know how to stand up
for myself.

I was afraid. I was.
I was afraid.

I didn't know how to stand up
for myself at cheer camp.

A lot of fear
comes from being poor.

If I was doing
a modern-day comedy special--

you know those ones where
it's like--

it's like more like
a Ted Talk than...

Your friend asks you, like,

"Hey, how was that
comedy special? Was it funny?"

And you're like,
"It was...important."

[laughter and applause]

If I was doing one of those,
I would make the argument

that poverty is a disease
on the very macro level.

'Cause I do believe
that poverty is a disease,

and its most sinister symptom
is fear.

It's something that I carry
with me to this day.

If I was doing
a modern-day comedy special,

I'd make the argument that yes,
poverty is a disease.

It's passed down generationally
just like a disease.

There's a lower life expectancy

for people born
below the poverty line.

It's no revelation that poverty
is a major stressor,

and we know that chronic stress
causes damage

to the cerebral cortex,
the part of your brain

that's in charge of risk/reward,
long-term planning.

Basically all the tools that
would get you out of poverty

get damaged by being poor.

Trying to dig yourself
out of poverty in this country,

it's like trying to fix
a scratch on your car

by repainting it with a rake.

You'll be like...
[makes squeaking sound]

That's--That's the modern-day
comedy special.

I do not want to do that.

I have nothing
of educational value

to add to your night.

You won't learn anything.
I have legitimately no agenda.

I just want to tell you
what it feels like to be poor,

and what it feels like is fear.

How do you create fear
in someone?

Well, a good way to start is,
uh, take away their stability.

For most of my life,
we lived in a bus.

My parents moved us into a bus
because I think they were

trying to speed up
their divorce.

If you're ever, like,
with your spouse,

and you're like,
"This is taking too long,"

uh, move into a vehicle.

'Cause every time I tell people

that we lived in a converted bus
growing up,

especially in L.A.,
people are like,

"Oh, my God. Cute.

I love that for you."

Because I think
you are picturing

the HGTV version of a bus,

where it's like, uh, it's like
a young couple from Portland.

Something's a little off
in their relationship,

and they're always like,
"Hi. I'm Tracy,

and my husband,
also named Tracy...

We fixed up this old bus
because we stopped having sex,

and large construction projects
are the only way

that I know how to make
the time move."

[laughter]

Those are great.
Those buses are great.

They're built with time, money,

and sexual frustration
that crushes it into a diamond.

The bus that my parents built
with no skill, no money,

I would love to see
an HGTV show Realtor

try to sell it.

You know those ones that have
the kind of plastic surgery

where it looks like
the wind hurts?

"All right, Greg, Donovan,

I know you were looking
for a 2-bedroom, 2-bath.

Instead, I wanna show you
this no-bedroom, no-bath,

hot diesel tube
that has more miles on it

than we are currently
to the sun.

Immediately, you're gonna notice
this diesel smell.

Uh, I don't know how
carbon monoxide leaks work.

I just know that sometimes
you'll be driving,

all the air will get wavy,

and you'll wake up
in a new state.

Uh, mountains now."

This is true. So now I have
all this anxiety as an adult,

all this fear around waking up
and not knowing where I am.

[sighs] And I travel a lot
for this job.

So what I will do is I will say
out loud to myself

whatever city and state I'm in
before I fall asleep.

So a couple days ago,
I was in Chicago,

and I was like, "I'm in Chicago.
I'm in Chicago, Illinois." Okay?

Tonight I will say to myself,
"I'm in Los Angeles.

I'm in Los Angeles, California."
Fine.

Sometimes I will forget that
someone is in the bed with me.

I was in Arizona, and I met
this young woman after a show,

and we had all of the drinks.

Alcohol,
uh, juice that makes you rude.

And I forgot that she was
in the bed next to me.

So I just say out loud, "Sedona.
I'm in Sedona, Arizona."

[laughter]

Very comforting for me.

For her, it's the first act
of the horror movie.

I'm on my healing journey.
She is on "The First 48."

Why does it matter if there's
fear in poor people?

Well, the second you start
making decisions out of fear,

those are stupid decisions,
right?

You get backed into a corner,

and a lot of times,
as a poor person,

you have to make
those decisions,

and we've somehow muddled that
in our culture to think that,

"Oh, poor people are stupid"
because of these decisions.

I just recently found out

that I'm--am severely dyslexic
and dysgraphic.

Uh, it's a very fancy way
to say "illiterate."

If you're rich in this country,
and you not know read good,

then automatically we're like,

"Okay, you probably have
a learning disability.

Let's look into it.
We'll get you into a program.

We'll get you some Adderall,"
and the parents are like,

"Whoa, Adderall sounds
super dangerous.

Isn't that just like cocaine?"

And the government's like,
"No. Cocaine is bad.

Adderall is...blue."

[laughter]

[applause]

And then parents are like,
"Uh...that sounds good."

I guess give it to every child
that even breaks eye contact.

[laughter]

If you're poor
and you not know read good,

then we're just like,
"Oh, yeah, business as usual."

People presume that poor people
are stupid so often

that when a poor person
is not stupid,

holy shit, well, then it's like
a whole goddamn movie.

It's like a whole
"Good Will Hunting" movie

where the entire premise
is just,

"Ah! Forget aliens in space.
Can you imagine a world

where this piece of shit
that mops the floors

understood math?

Give it every Oscar."

[cheers and applause]

I only...

I only recently found out
that I'm dyslexic.

If you're not familiar
with dyslexia,

if you haven't, like,
read up on it, don't worry.

Neither have we.

All dyslexia really means
is that zero percent of the time

is the book better than
the movie for me.

I-I have never had a movie
ruin a book.

I have had plenty of
very confusing books cleared up

thanks to dogshit movies.

Thank you, "Percy Jackson."

Thank you,
third "Harry Potter" movie.

[cheers and applause]

Not only...

Not only did people think
I was stupid growing up,

but, uh, adults like yourself
all the time

would come up to me and ask
if I was, in fact,

a little lady person.

I was a very late bloomer.

I didn't really hit puberty
until...

hopefully next year.

[laughter]

I was very free with my wrists
as a kid,

just like two wet
American flags in the sun,

and I walked on my toes.

I walked on my toes
for some reason.

So in combination, I-I...

I walk like how bells sound.

[laughter]

[tune of "Carol of the Bells"]
♪ Bing-ba-da-bing ♪

♪ Bing-ba-da-bing,
bing-ba-da-bing ♪

And to make matters even worse,

I had this shoulder length
long, blond hair.

My mom did not know how
to cut hair.

She was too cheap to pay someone
to cut it.

So she's like, "You know what?
I'll just make it

exactly like my hair
but a little bit shorter,

and then that'll be for boys,"
and it's not.

It is the Lizzie McGuire.

In fact, it's this right here.

-[audience gasps]
-Oh, God!

Oh, God!

[cheers and applause]

Notice the low swooping necklace

to accommodate
for the puka shell necklace.

Remember when you wanted

a meth head's teeth
around your neck?

"Now...why is it
this glowing, platinum blond?

You're not blond now."

Well, this is true.

My mom dyed
all five of her kids blond

because she didn't
want anyone knowing

that she herself
was not a natural blonde.

[laughter]

[applause]

Holy shit. Show's over.

Even a serial killer
on the run from the law

would be like, "That's too much.
I'll do the time."

Oh. I was talking to my mom
about this,

just setting up the special,
fact-checking everything,

and she goes, "Well, I didn't
just dye your guys' hair blond

for--for--for my sake.

I also dyed it blond because
we were about to be evicted

from a 1-bedroom apartment,
and I wanted to make

all you five kids
look like one kid."

[laughter]

[scoffs] That's worse!
That's way worse!

[scoffs]

Never, never defend yourself
in court.

"Your Honor, how could I have
committed that hit-and-run

when I was across town
committing a murder?"

[laughter]

I look so much like
a little lady person.

I was once kicked out
of a men's restroom.

At 13, I was at
an Outback Steakhouse

with my mom, not to eat
but to steal toilet paper.

[laughter]

I was always too afraid to steal

because I saw my mom
constantly get caught.

She was a terrible shoplifter.

And one time she tried to steal
bottles of vitamins

from a grocery store.

I don't know if you've ever
tried to steal

bottles of vitamins before,

but it's a lot like
trying to steal maracas.

[laughter]

Chh-chh! Chh-chh-chh.

Chh-chh!

And then she would be surprised
when she got caught.

"How did they know?"

I'm gonna guess they were
tipped off by the quinceañera

you have going on in your purse.

[cheers and applause]

I was kicked out
of a men's restroom at 13,

Outback Steakhouse with my mom.

One of the customers comes in
right after me,

and he goes,
"Whoa! What are you doing?

The women's restroom is
the next door over, sweetie."

Okay.

We've all established
what I looked like.

But also, at this point, I was
already standing at the urinal.

[laughter]

Well, what did he think
I was doing?

[laughter]

[grunting]

Try to...cup it
and splash it in?

And if I do get it in there,
why don't you let a girl dream?

I'm over here, trying to shatter
the porcelain ceiling.

[laughter]

I definitely know I was supposed
to be a rich piece of shit

because the thing
that bothered me the most

was the terms for poor people.

So if you're on food stamps
like we were,

you were called
a "food-insecure household."

I never liked that,
'cause "food-insecure"--

it... [sighs]
it's too emotional of a word.

It just makes, like,
a pretty serious issue

just sound adorable,
like it's in our heads,

like the government's like,

"Oh, come on!
Show us your food. Show us."

And I'm like...

[laughter]

Mnh-mnh.

"Come on, show--
go and show us that..."

Look, I need carbs,
not confidence.

But it makes us feel better
if we can make

a systemic issue
sound psychological,

then it's like, "I don't have
to deal with it.

They can just
pull themselves up."

If you're on food stamps,

they don't call it "food stamps"
anymore.

Now it's called SNAP--

Supplemental Nutritional
Assistance Program.

"SNAP" just sounds like

an off-off-off
Broadway production

of "STOMP," the musical.

"Can't afford brooms.
Don't wanna get sued.

So just snap."

A woman came up to me
after a show

who essentially looked like
if an NPR tote bag was a person.

And she was like, "Okay, so--

so you were homeless
growing up,

but you shouldn't say
that you were homeless.

It's, like, derogatory.

You should say
that you were 'unhoused.'"

And I'm like, "Oh, yeah,
sorry I bummed you out

with my own
personal experience."

[laughter and applause]

I think it's just like it's
these half-measures that we do

to make ourselves feel better.

"Unhoused"
doesn't even make sense.

I get that it's the polite thing
to say,

but it doesn't make sense.
"Homeless" makes sense.

We had a home,
and then we had less.

"Unhoused"--that sounds like
another HGTV show.

"Tracy and Tracy realized that
the bus wasn't their problem.

The problem was Tracy."

"I've tasted a gun before.
I didn't pull the trigger,

but it hit one of my fillings,
and I liked it."

[laughter]

"So now they're trying
to get unhoused."

[laughter]

You can't buy everything
you want on food stamps, right?

And even when
we would buy things

that are not, like,
food stamp-approved,

we would still get the shitty
poor person version of it.

Anytime we wanted ice cream,
my mom would buy us

that giant, clear value bucket
of ice cream.

Did you ever get those?
You know what I mean?

-[cheers and applause]
-Where, like, you read it,

it's like too cheap
to even be a real flavor?

You read it, it's like,

"We got white,
and we got darker white!"

What's darker white? Is that
supposed to be vanilla bean?

Why are there pinto beans
in there?

And this is true. My mom only
bought us that ice cream bucket

because she wanted
the actual bucket.

At Walmart,
a mopping bucket costs $6.99.

Value bucket filled
with ice cream--$4.99.

It was cheaper
than an empty bucket.

[laughter]

Do you know how shitty
your ice cream has to be

to actually depreciate the value
of an empty bucket?

You'll be all,
"I don't want that bucket

if that ice cream's
even touched it.

It might ruin
my dirty mop water."

[laughter]

Now the truth about food stamps
is it's a broken system.

You pay too much for it
as a taxpayer.

Also, for the families
that are on it, it's not enough.

You always run
out of food stamps.

So what most families do
is they, one,

just won't eat
when they run out,

or they'll go to a food bank
and get the dented cans.

[sighs] It is...
I'll get off it,

but it did seem suspicious

that all of the cans
were dented.

All of them?

It's like, are they doing that?
Or how are you guys shopping?

You're like, "What is this?
Low-sodium corn?"

"Get out of here!"

[laughter and applause]

If you don't wanna do that,

you don't want
the pandering programs,

you can take a little agency
over your life.

Yeah, it's humiliating,

but you can dumpster dive
for food.

Whatever the grocery store
throws out that's expired

or is about to expire,

we would take that and...
[sighs]

I just hated my job
dumpster diving.

I-I had to be the lookout.

I was the smallest,
so I couldn't be

in the cool-ass dumpster
with my siblings.

I had to be the lookout.

Like, that's the worst job
in a heist movie.

I'm not even the lookout
for something cool

like cash or diamonds.
I'm the lookout for garbage,

something we've all
unanimously decided

we do not want to look at.

So there's no job.
Every once in a while,

a car would drive by,

and then I would just be
out front, just...

[laughter and applause]

The face of dumpster diving--

really, the flyer
of dumpster diving.

[chanting] E., E. coli,
E., E., E. coli!

[cheers and applause]

That's what people wanna know.

That's the next question, right?

Did we ever get sick
eating from the dumpster?

Of course.
When I was 9 years old,

we were living in this
really terrible part of Florida

called Florida and...
-[laughter]

Ha ha, no one's ever made
that joke before.

[laughter]

Anytime we wanted
to go swimming,

we couldn't afford our own pool,
what we would do

is we would break
into a condo community

or an apartment complex,
or even a country club

in an upscale area,
pretend we lived where you live

so we could use your pool.

Some of you know this
as a crime.

We were about to break into

the nicest pool in Florida--
Bluewater Bay.

Only downside of Bluewater Bay

is they had a shit-ton
of security

to the point where it made me
mad how much security there was.

There was
a guard shack security guard,

a roaming security guard,

and just a pool security guard.

My mom was
all about doubling up,

not just cheer camp
and basketball camp.

So she was like, "Okay, we're
gonna drive all the way out

to this nice neighborhood.

First, we're gonna stop off
at their grocery store dumpster,

see what these richies
are throwing out."

[laughter]

I had never seen
anything like it.

This grocery store's freezers
went down,

so they threw out their entire
ice cream department at once.

Every kind of name-brand
non-bucket ice cream

is now in three large
blue trash bags

sitting in this dumpster--
Hershey's, Klondike,

whatever the fuck
sherbert is supposed to be.

My four siblings and I,
we waste no time,

right there, back of the store,

just start shoveling
half-melted ice cream

into our face as fast
as possible,

just like little raccoons
before this all melts.

[laughter]

And I feel that judgment
from the crowd.

"Gross! You're gonna eat
dumpster ice cream?"

Yeah. It's ice cream.

Do you know how good
ice cream is?

Ice cream is so good,
it's the only food

that all of us in this room
will willingly eat

out of a stranger's
windowless van.

[laughter and applause]

And we're excited about it!

Oh, yay! It's the ice cream man!

Send the kids alone!
Surely that'll be safe.

He is only playing the world's
scariest clown music.

Dressed in all white. What kind
of pervert dresses in all white?

[laughter]

[cheers and applause]

So my four siblings and I
waste no time.

We polish off three large
trash bags of ice cream

between the 5 of us
in under 15 minutes.

I don't know if you've ever had
to speed-eat dairy in the sun.

[laughter]

We are not doing well.

Have you ever been--
have you ever been so full

that you feel it in your neck?

[gulps]

Ahh. It's like every burp
is so high stakes.

Every--Every burp is
a contraction

for the barf baby
that you're about to deliver.

Like, it's kicking.
It has a pulse.

Like, if I lived in Texas
right now,

it'd be illegal
to throw this up.

[cheers and applause]

[imitates Southern accent]
"That baby's a person there.

I'll snitch on you."

[applause]

So my mom, thank God,
being the one adult

in this whole situation,
gets a look at us and is like,

"Okay, you guys do not
look well, so pool day...

is still definitely on.

I'm not driving back
this way again.

Rally. Let's go."

I get to this pool.

It is packed
with other families.

So all the security guards
are out--

the guard shack security guard,
the roaming security guard,

and just
the pool security guard.

My mom is like,
"Okay, look at me.

Look at me. Don't freak out.
Just stick with the regular plan

of breaking
into one of these pools.

Every kid spreads out
as far as possible.

One by one, you enter the pool
from different sides.

When it's safe,
you can meet in the middle.

We're not gonna flash mob
people with poverty."

[laughter]

But the second that I jump in
on my side of the pool,

I know that I'm gonna vomit.

[laughter]

so my plan is to just
put my mouth under the water

so it won't make a sound,

and then just...
[imitates vomiting]

So--So much. It looked like
I had eaten nothing

but 700 vanilla lava lamps.

The amount that came out
was just like, oh, my God.

I think I figured out
how they make darker white.

This kid with red hair--

he comes to the surface
of the pool,

and he goes, "Oh, my God!"

Because he has a full
IMAX 3-D experience below.

That causes
my older brother Jonah,

who was already... [gags]
not doing well--

he turns--he sees me,
and then he starts vomiting.

Because vomiting is a lot like
those inspirational quotes

that white girls
will post online--

very contagious and embarrassing

when it slips out of your mouth
in public.

So he just starts... [gags]

"If you can't handle me
at my worst,

you don't deserve me
at my best."

That triggers my two sisters
over here to just... [gags]

"Shoot for the moon. You might
land amongst the stars."

And then finally, my older
brother David just...

[imitates vomiting]
"If you want a rainbow,

you're gonna have to put up
with some rain."

So now...

[cheers and applause]

There are five kids
simultaneously

inspiring the shit
out of one pool,

which turns out is way too many
kids to be throwing up at once.

I know that because
the other parents at this pool

are now freaking the fuck out.

Because we are all so far
spread out in this pool,

it doesn't look like
some isolated incident.

In their minds, it looks like
some sort of violent supervirus

has swept over the entire pool,
causing kids to explode.

Kids are screaming.

Parents are pulling their kids
out by the arms.

There's kids throwing up that

didn't even eat trash bags
of ice cream.

Fuck is your excuse?

[cheers and applause]

I get out of the pool.
The entire pool is ruined.

And I remember just thinking
to myself,

"Man...this place needs
better security."

[laughter]

[cheers and applause]

I think the common misconception
is that everyone on food stamps

is just sitting around, waiting
to collect a welfare check

and ruining pools.

In my personal memory,
my mom was always

in this constant manic state
to provide for us--

all these schemes that we'd
end up losing more money on,

than if she just got
a minimum wage job.

My earliest memory of this
is in 1992,

Bob Saget came on TV
and introduced a show called

"America's
Funniest Home Videos."

On this show,
if you're familiar,

people would send in, like,
their amateur tapes

of, like, bloopers
on a home video.

Someone fell down.

Someone's playing wiffle ball
and got hit in the nuts.

At the end of the show,
the funniest video would--

it's a very exciting show
if you haven't seen it,

'cause they--they control
the video.

It's like watching someone else
watch YouTube.

[laughter]

End of the show,
the funniest video

would win 10 grand.

Uh, and then Bob Saget
would, like, do--

This is not--this probably won't
make the special,

but just for you guys, um...
[chuckles]

I was rewatching it to, like,
prep for this,

and for some reason,
all of Bob Saget's improv--

he would, like, do...
[nasal voice] Ah.

[normal voice]
...voices over the clips--

it was all just
about his grandma

to the point where I'm like,
like, some kid would get, like,

you know, pulled out of frame,

like, "This kid got yanked
harder than my grandma." Like...

I'm worried about--
like, in a real way,

I'm worried about his grandma.

[laughter and applause]

So most people heard
this concept

of "America's
Funniest Home Videos,"

and they were like, "Oh, that's
a fun way to pass the time

in between Fentanyl doses."

[laughter]

My mom heard this,
and she took it

as a direct
and personal job offer.

"Okay, Bob Saget, I will
make you this funny video

that you require.

You will give me your 10 grand."

Every single weekend,
we would rent a camera,

two 6-hour tapes,
and we would shoot

fake, staged bits

in the hopes of scamming
the show out of 10 grand.

Usually it's like
a happy accident,

like, whoa, hit in the nuts.

But my mom was like,
"No, we can engineer this.

We're gonna do
highbrow non-nut humor."

One day, she gets an idea that's
gonna win us the 10 grand.

Here's the bit. All of us kids
are gonna be in the kitchen,

making cookies, right?

And halfway through,
2-year-old Moses...

Huh...is going to accidentally
drop an egg

off of the countertop--whoops--
and it's gonna land

on my sister's head,
who is sitting just below.

Judging by
this audience's response,

it's a killer bit.

[laughter]

Anyone that's silent is going,

"How come I didn't think
of that?

Egg on the head.
Egg on the face."

Two things are standing
in my mom's way

between her and the 10 grand.

The first is that
her very young children

do not understand this bit
at all.

No concept of, like, a joke,
a prank, or pretend.

A lot of us do with number two.

She was
a very strict, religious parent

that we were a little afraid of.

So when she told
my 2-year-old brain,

"Hey, you're supposed to
accidentally--"

Oxymoron--

"...drop an egg
on your sister's head,"

my brain exploded. I was like,
"This is some kind of trap.

Why is this being filmed?

You've been telling me
my entire life

not to throw eggs around
like we got egg money."

[laughter]

So...

what we're about to watch
right now

is the many outtakes...

[cheers and applause]

...that it took to get
this very dumb video,

and, uh, before we start it,
just a heads up.

The video has all the charm
and production value

of, like, a hostage video.

So...

I am here in the overalls
as she explains this bit to me.

[beep]

[beep]

-Hi!
-Hi!

-Hi, Grandma and Grandpa.
-We're gonna make you a video.

-Yeah!
-We're starting off

this morning by, um,
making you some cookies.

[beep]

[mixer whirring]

No, today on the tape,
we're gonna play, uh,

uh, we'd--we'd go outside,

and next we would--we--
we'd play even when--

we'd--we'd play outside

we have a swing set out there,
too.

Do it again.

Okay.

[beep]

-Hi, Grandma and Grandpa.
-Hi, Grandma and Grandpa.

We're making a tape today.

[mixer whirring]

[audience laughing]

[beep]

[beep]

-Hi, Grandma and Grandpa.
-Hi!

[mixer whirring,
speaks indistinctly]

Yeah.

[beep]

[beep]

At this point, my mom had come
to her senses,

like all of us in this room

and realized what
the problem was.

The egg is too small.

[laughter]

Let's up the visual stakes
with a large bag of flour.

So now all they have to do is
just knock over a bag of flour.

And we're gonna send it to you
in the mail.

Okay, honey, do--
okay, do it again.

[beep]

A little beyond, but--
Oh!

-[mixer whirring]
-Ow!

[beep]

Stop, stop.

-[beep]
-Hi, Grandma and Grandpa!

Hi, Grandma and Grandpa!

Now we're gonna send it to you
in the mail.

[baby cries]

-Wait, stop.
-Just blown the entire bit.

Don't say that. We're acting.

Oh.

[beep]

-Hi, Grandma and Grandpa!
-Hi, Grandma and Grandpa!

-Hi!
-Hi!

[mixer whirring,
indistinct conversations]

-[beep]
-Just do it, Moses.

-[beep]
-[speaks indistinctly]

[beep]

-[beep]
-Hi, Grandma and Grandpa.

So I've been recast
in the video.

-Chocolate chip.
-Yeah, chocolate chips.

David!

[beep]

[beep]

[faucet runs]

-[beep]
-Okay, let's do it.

-[beep]
-Here we go.

Yeah, we're gonna make you
a lot of cookies.

[indistinct conversations]

-Grandma, Grandma, Grandpa.
-You can help. You can help.

David.

[bleep]

-Hi, Grandma and Grandpa!
-Hi!

We made you some cookies.

-Yeah, chocolate chip.
-[beep]

-David, just do it!
-[beep]

-Can I help? Can I help?
-Yep, we can all help.

Let me get you a cup.
Damn it. Do it!

-Not now.
-[beep]

[cheers and applause]

Do it again?

[all speak at once]

-[beep]
-[all shouting at once]

-Yeah, flour.
-[speaks indistinctly]

Ohh!

Mommy, that was fast.

[giggling]

[cheers and applause]

So now the question is,
did we ever win the 10 grand?

No. But we did get featured
in the cold open of season 3,

the very beginning,
and for that,

we received
a $200 appearance fee.

So if you add up all
the camera rentals, time spent,

we made a net profit of -$652,

and this is how the clip
actually aired on the show

with Bob Saget's narration
over it.

Come see why we're making it.
This is what we did.

SAGET: These kids cook just like
my grandmother used to--

a pinch of this, a bag of that,

♪♪♪

-Now...
-[cheers and applause]

I only showed you that again

because that was a shit-ton
of takes

to get a very dumb bit, right?

It gets way worse.

I don't think you understand

how much she believed
in this idea.

How the clip aired on the show--
she's wearing what color pants?

-AUDIENCE MEMBER #1: White!
-AUDIENCE MEMBER #2: Blue!

She's wearing blue pants
on the show,

but in every take
I had shown you before then--

Will you press "play"?

Every take I showed you
before then,

she's wearing white pants,

meaning there's an entirely
different reshoot day

I don't even have time
to show you tonight.

That's how deep this goes.

[cheers and applause]

It's very tacky to say how much
you're being paid

for your HBO Max special.

What I will say is that
as of tonight,

it took about--
well, over 20 years,

but eventually, from this bit,
my mom made the 10 grand.

[cheers and applause]

A lot of people will watch
that video

and they'll ask me
if I'm mad at my mom.

No.

The older I get,
the more I understand

what she was going through.

Now that I'm old enough
to have my own kids,

and by that, I mean,
pregnancy scares...

[laughter]

I can--I can understand
what she's going through.

Now understanding why someone
does a behavior

is also not an excuse
for that behavior.

There is--There is an ocean
between apathy and empathy,

between approval
and just forgiveness.

My mom displayed a lot
of crazy behavior growing up.

That crazy behavior was a way
to combat the fear.

Crazy beats scary.

If your day-to-day problems
are the insane decisions

that you yourself have created,

then you feel like you have some
sort of agency over your life.

I got myself into this.
I can get myself out.

And then you don't have to focus
on the larger fear

that you're a single parent,
and you're completely alone.

And the older you get, the idea
of hustling and grinding

starts fading into failure,
and you understand

that the idea of upward mobility
in this country--it's a lie.

It's a lie
because stories like mine

get elevated in our culture--

these stories of rags to riches,
from the dumpster to HBO Max.

Because these stories--
they make us feel good.

These make us feel good.

They allow us to continue
to do nothing

about the unfathomable amount
of poverty

that is just beyond these walls.

And my story is not the truth.

The truth is that most people
are born poor,

and they die even poorer.

Sure, I worked my ass off to get
here in front of you tonight.

But I also got very lucky.

I got lucky that people
took a chance on me.

I got lucky that you physically
came out tonight,

and I don't say this
because I have any agenda

or there's any actual steps.

I am only saying
that I got lucky,

because that is what I needed
to hear as a poor kid,

when I was knee-deep
in a dumpster

and head high in shame--

"Some people get lucky."

When I was at cheer camp,
and they did a lot worse

than just say,
"Hey, you're a cheer queer"--

"Some people just get lucky."

Now imagine you're a single
parent, and you're not as lucky.

You're in charge
of five human beings

that are supposed to have
a better life than you.

If that doesn't scare you,
I don't know what will.

Crazy beats scary.

The crazy behavior was a way
to combat fear.

The first time I understood
that crazy beat scary

was on the very literal level.

I was 18.
I had my very first girlfriend,

and Mandy was
way out of my league.

Mandy was cool.
Mandy had these black bangs,

thick black eyeliner.

She basically looked like...

[sighs] like if a person
just walked into a Hot Topic,

looked around once,
and was like, "I'll take it."

[laughter]

I, on the other hand,
was 18, 85 pounds.

I looked like I walked
into a Build-A-Bear

so I could get a vest
in my size.

[laughter]

And the type of guys
that Mandy was used to dating

were the type of guys
that people would just look at

and be like, "Oh, man,
that guy looks dangerous."

People would look at me,
like, they look at,

like, you and I, will be like,

"Oh, man.
That guy looks ticklish."

[laughter]

I was also a very sensitive
teenager. Very sensitive.

Mandy was the strong one.
I was very sensitive.

A couple months
before I met Mandy,

I was going through
a really bad breakup.

I was going out with this girl
for six months,

and we both got to that point
in our relationship

where we decided that she should
break up with me.

[laughter]

Very confusing time
for both of us,

'cause she was like,
"What are you talking about?

We were never actually
really together."

-I'm like, classic us.
-[laughter]

I was very chill
about the breakup.

I cried every single day
for 33 days.

I know that because I wrote that
in a journal,

and I sent it to her.

[laughter]

Emotionally abusive.

So I was doing a lot of crying,
you know.

My older brother--he caught me
crying in our shared room,

this breakup, and he goes,
verbatim, he goes...

[scoffs] "Wow.

Guess you're the world's
biggest little bitch."

I was like, "Uh, actually,
that's an oxymoron.

How can I be the world's biggest
and the world's li--"

Before I could finish "little,"

he had already punched me
in the neck.

[laughter]

So now anytime I wanted
to cry,

I would now have to drive
to my cry spot.

Uh, whoops!
That is as lame as it sounds.

[scoffs] A designated area

I would physically drive
my 2001 Mitsubishi Eclipse to

to just go and cry,

save up things that would happen
during that week.

[voice breaking]
Be like, not now.

Save it.

File. Save As. "Saddest Moment
of My Life-Final."

"File already exists named

'Saddest Moment
of My Life-Final.'

Do you want to replace?"

Yes.

[normal voice]
And then once a week,

drive out to
this half-abandoned cul-de-sac,

park my car,
and unload in this tantrum cry.

You ever been crying so hard,
you're, like, about to throw up?

Like, your vomit sees
your tears come out.

It's like, "Me, too."

I'm that level of like...

[moans and gags]

I see a cop car speed
by the main road.

The tires screech out,
and it peals back around.

I'm like, "Okay,
well, that's not for me."

I mean, shoo-bee-doo-wop,
what is adversity?

Before I know it, that cop car

is now nose to nose
with my car.

And the cop gets over
the loudspeaker,

and he goes... [sighs]

"All right, let's break it up,
lovebirds."

[gasps and laughter]

I look up. All of my windows
are fogged up

from my sadness.

When I cry, I'm a squirter.

[laughter]

But from his perspective,
it looks like

two human beings are in here,
like à la "Titanic,"

like doing sex on each other.

So now I have to step out
of the car

and deliver
the world's saddest sentence.

And he goes,
"Break it up, lovebirds."

I step out of the car,
still crying.

I'm like... [gulps]

[voice breaking] "No,
it's just one bird in here."

[laughter and applause]

There's just...one bird...
in here.

[laughter]

This very tough veteran cop,
like the kind of cop

who has seen
the worst of the worst

over the course of his career--
homicides, overdoses

and he's kind of tough
where it looks like

not only has he never
let himself have an emotion,

but it looks like he buys
his jeans at Costco.

He gets one look at me
crying in his light,

and he goes... [gasps]
"Oh, God. Sorry."

[laughter]

He turns away.

Do you know how
profoundly lame/white

you have to look for a cop
to ignore all of his training

and turn his back to the perp
to be like,

"I don't even care
if you have a gun.

Jesus Christ.
Just end it for us both"?

[applause]

Without saying another word,

he gets back into his car,
and he speeds off, shook,

like, visibly shook.

I would like to think
that later that night,

that cop--he's at a diner with
all of his veteran cop buddies,

exchanging
different horror stories.

One cop is like,
"I'll never forget 2003.

18-car pileup,
body parts everywhere."

And they finally get
to my cop.

"John, you all right?

You haven't said a word
all night."

And my cop is just
in the corner.

He's in the corner trembling,
smoking an unlit cigarette.

[laughter]

He looks up at them and goes,

"I didn't think
it was possible,

but tonight I met the world's
biggest little bitch."

[laughter and applause]

And then the last cop--
the last cop, he goes,

"Oh, you think that's bad?
I'll never forget 1999.

Before I joined the force,

I was a security guard
at a pool,

and a violent supervirus
swept over."

[cheers and applause]

[cheers and applause continue]

Mandy and I did have
a lot in common.

We both had very strict,
religious parents.

Like, Mandy's mom is the kind
of religious where as we speak,

her bedroom walls are covered
in the most gruesome photos

of Jesus being crucified.

Just like--or--or paintings.
Sorry.

Uh, right, not pho--
That would be insane.

There's like a watermark.
It's like, 2008?

What the fuck?

[laughter]

Paintings, renderings,

and, like, shit that's so raw,
like Mel Gibson

would be like, "Yikes.
That looks anti-Semitic."

And here's what gets me.
They're not even in frames.

These photos are just
hastily pasted

up and down her walls,

almost like she's trying
to solve Jesus' murder.

"Everyone thinks it's

Pontius Pilate and Judas,
right?

Everyone thinks it's
Pontius Pilate and Judas,

but no one--no one's talking
about John the Baptist!"

[laughter]

"Why was he in Sedona?

Sedona, Arizona."

[laughter]

So the only place that we could
ever hook up

was the back seat of my car.

Uh, I don't know if you've ever
had car sex. It's not great.

Also, you're 18.

We remember that time
with rose-colored glasses,

like...eh!

It's the worst sex
you're having of your life.

[laughter]

This is why I've never
understood

the male fantasy of wanting
to hook up with a virgin.

I mean it. I don't get it.

Like, why is that good?
There'll be those guys

that'll come to me, and they
feel very comfortable saying,

"I hooked up with this chick.
Virgin."

Gross.

Why is that good?

Sex has to be the only time
where inexperience is desired.

I couldn't convince you guys
to go to a concert tonight

and be like, "Oh, my God.

You have to go
to the Hollywood Bowl.

There's this girl. She has...
never played guitar before."

[laughter]

"She's gonna learn as she goes."
Like, that sounds awful.

Will she at least
be enjoying herself?

"No, she's actually gonna be
in a lot of pain."

[laughter]

People actually show up to this?

"Actually,
most guys will come early."

[laughter]

[cheers and applause]

I don't mean to put it on her.

I was the worst person that you
could lose your virginity to.

I'd stolen my older sister's
"Cosmopolitan" magazine.

"Seven tips to drive
your partner wild."

Boom, these are going
in the arsenal.

To drive your partner wild,
you are su--

This was what they published.
To drive your partner wild,

you are supposed to kiss
around their jawline

as you softly hum.

[laughter]

So...

[laughter continues]

♪ Hmm-mm ♪

[smooches]

♪ Mmm-mm ♪

I did this to a real human woman

that I had no intention
of murdering.

[laughter]

And we would never park the car
in places like Make-out Point

in the fear that our parents
would catch us. Too obvious.

We'd always go way out
to a desolate road

or an abandoned parking lot.

It's a longwinded way
to basically say

I would take Mandy
to my former cry spots.

[laughter]

Yeah. She was like,
"How'd you find this place?"

I'd be like,
"No more questions."

[laughter]

I had learned
from my crying experience that

that these types of locations--

they draw a lot of attention
from the cops.

If they see a car parked
in the middle of nowhere,

they're gonna investigate.
They're gonna break us up.

So it was like, okay, I'm gonna
do something so the cops

don't break us up.

I invented this very real thing

that Mandy affectionately named
"junk blanket."

[sighs] Stay with me.

I have a replica.
Let me show you.

So...what junk blanket was...

[sighs]
was an unzipped sleeping bag

that I had personally hand-sewn,

mostly duct-taped a bunch of
old clothes to the outside of.

This way, when the cops
would pull up on our car

and shine the light
through the window,

I could just pull
the junk blanket

over Mandy and myself,

cop would look
through the window

and think, "Oh, there's just
a pile of junk back there...

that happens to be steaming.

On with my patrol."

So one night, Mandy and I

were out in
our favorite desolate road.

There's not a car in a mile
in each direction.

There's no streetlights,
just the stars.

And we're in the back seat,

having the worst sex
of our lives.

[laughter]

♪ Mmm-mm ♪

Halfway through,

30 seconds in...

[laughter]

[cheers and applause]

...this car pulls up
right behind us.

Just the headlights are shining
through the back window.

I'm like, "Oh, shit.
That's the cops."

I pulled junk blanket
from the hatchback of my car

over Mandy and myself.

As the cops get out,
they're talking to each other,

and it starts to sound
a lot less like cops

and a lot more just like
four sketchy guys

that mean to do us
or this car some kind of harm.

I completely freeze
in this situation.

This is not gonna go well
for me,

unless there's some
sort of tickle-off,

I'm not gonna win this fight.

The only saving grace is that
we're safe inside the car.

They tried to open
the driver's side door.

It's locked.
My heart begins to race.

Mandy's eyes begin to well
with tears,

makes all
that black mascara run.

And then it's completely silent

except for the sound of metal
scraping on concrete.

I peek my head
over junk blanket,

and just over my head, boom,
a metal shovel

comes through
the driver's side window,

spraying glass everywhere.

We are no longer safe.
They are inside the car.

And it quickly dawns on me
that they have no idea

that we're inside the car.

They thought the car
was abandoned.

They were gonna steal the radio,
whatever valuables were inside.

Junk blanket has worked
too well.

So now we need to do something.

We need to do something
just to make our presence known,

like, hey,
human beings are in here,

and Mandy is just
looking at me like,

"Aren't you gonna do something?"

And I'm looking at Mandy.
"Aren't you gonna do something?"

So I am trying to say
to these guys,

"What do you want from us?!"

[laughter]

But...I am so scared,

the only thing that
can come out of my body

is this mixture of, like,
half breath,

half just a fear sound.

So now it's this barely audible,
just...

[breathily] "What do you want?

[mumbling]
What do you want from us?

[grunts]

[mumbling]
What do you want from us?"

And it's so frustrating.
It feels like a bad dream,

like your mouth is moving,
but no sound is coming out.

I need to do something
at this point

just to make some kind of sound,
and I think back to cheer camp.

[laughter]

[chanting weakly]
"Make noise, make noise."

And before I know it,
I am outside the vehicle,

and I get to look at one
of these guys in the face

for the first time, and they
look more scared than I do.

I realize now
what they are seeing.

My face is now covered in
Mandy's running black mascara.

I am butt-naked,
except for a baggy green condom,

clapping at these guys
on a desolate road, going,

[muttering]
"What do you want from us?!

What do you want from us?!
What do you want from us?!

What do you want from us?!

What the fuck
do you want from us?!"

[cheers and applause]

They are so freaked out.
They are so freaked out.

They get back in their car,
and they speed off,

because crazy beats scary!

[loud cheers and applause]

Thank you so much!

This is fantastic.

[cheers and applause continue]

♪♪♪

Part two.

The reason that
we were so poor growing up

is my parents were members
of an unsuccessful cult.

[laughter]

♪♪♪