Mortuary Academy (1988) - full transcript

[BEACH BOYS' "BE TRUE
TO YOUR SCHOOL" PLAYING]

♪ When some loud braggart
Tries to put me down ♪

♪ And says his school
Is great ♪

♪ I tell him right away ♪

♪ "Now, what's
The matter, buddy? ♪

♪ "Ain't you heard
Of my school? ♪

♪ It's number one
In the state" ♪

♪ Oh-oh, oh-oh ♪

♪ So be true
To your school now ♪

♪ Just like you would
To your girl, all right ♪

♪ Be true to your school now ♪



♪ And let your colors fly ♪

♪ Be true to your school ♪

[WHISTLE BLOWS]
♪ Oh-oh, oh-oh ♪

♪ I've got
A letterman's sweater ♪

♪ With a letter in front ♪

♪ I got for football
And track ♪

♪ I'm proud to wear it now ♪

♪ When I cruise around ♪

♪ The other parts of the town ♪

♪ I got a decal in back ♪

♪ So be true
To your school now ♪

♪ Just like you would
To your girl, all right ♪

♪ Be true to your school now ♪

♪ And let your colors fly ♪



♪ And be true to your school ♪

♪ Oh-oh, oh-oh ♪

♪ On Friday we'll be jacked up
For the football game ♪

♪ And I'll be ready to fight ♪

♪ We're gonna smash 'em now ♪

♪ My girl will be puttin' on
Her pom-poms now ♪

♪ And she'll
Be yellin' tonight ♪

♪ So be true
To your school now ♪

♪ Just like you would
To your girl, all right ♪

♪ Be true to your school now ♪

♪ And let your colors fly ♪

♪ Be true to your school ♪

♪ Oh-oh, oh-oh ♪

♪ Ra, ra, ra, ra ♪

♪ Sis, boom, ba ♪

♪ Ra, ra, ra, ra
Sis, boom, ba ♪

♪ Ra, ra, ra, ra
Sis, boom, ba ♪

♪ Ra, ra, ra, ra
Sis, boom, ba ♪

♪ Ah ♪

♪ Oh-oh, oh-oh ♪

[CHEERING & APPLAUSE]

MAN:
Speaking off the record

as your uncle's attorney
and close friend,

I'm glad he's dead.

The will is a complex one.

In layman's terms, what
this means is that you boys

are your Uncle Willard's
sole heirs and beneficiary.

You will become the owners
of the Grimm Mortuary

as soon as you have fulfilled
the conditions of the will.

BOTH:
What conditions?

That you graduate

from the Grimm Mortuary Academy,

the school your uncle founded
when the mortuary was built.

I don't want to become
a mortician.

I want to be a doctor!

[CHUCKLES]
Max. Please.

So, uh, how much is
this mortuary worth?

Something in excess

of $2 million.

What?! Wow!

Forget it. I won't become
an embalmer for $10 million.

Max?

[CHUCKLES]
I can understand that.

But there's nothing in the will
about your becoming morticians.

Your uncle simply wanted
to be certain

you would have
an appreciation

of the business
he was leaving you.

Okay. We'll do it.

We'll-- We'll
think about it.

Max!

You have 24 hours.

[DOORBELL CHIMES]

Congratulations, Max!

Your letter from Africa,

Batonga University
Admissions Department.

Yeah!

Man, you applied to
a lot of colleges, didn't you?

Yeah, and they all
turned me down.

This is my last hope.

What?

Shit! It's written
in Batongan.

Let me take a peek at it.
I know all that African stuff.

Yeah?

Oh, I'm sorry, Max.

What?

You didn't qualify.

Mr. Schuyler?

Could I possibly go home
just a little early today?

[SNORTS]

There's a crisis,

and my brother's...

He's not coping too well.

Grimm, don't bust my balls.

I pay you eight hours,
you're gonna work eight hours.

See that yuppie bastard
in the Volvo?

With Ray-Bans and
the Brooks Brothers shirt?

I want you to stick his ass
in a BMW.

Capisci?

Hey, how much for that little
turbo stud over there?

I don't know a heck of a lot

about these turbo studs.

Uh, Ferlinghetti
discontinued it.

But basically,
it's a bar mitzvah on wheels.

I know all about it.

Does this one have
all the original sex toys?

Gosh, I think so.

It's not really
a family car.

I'm not buying it
for my wife, asshole.

Thank you.

Give me the keys and let me
take it for a demo, huh?

The keys are in it.

[SPEAKS INAUDIBLY]

[ENGINE PURRING]

[TIRES SQUEAL]

Grimm, are you insane?

Put the yuppie
in the Beamer, not the Reamer.

That car's a killer,
no one drives it.

The sexual safety balloon
is defective.

A short in the vibrator.
It was going to the wrecker.

You see that Cadillac?

I drive that
'cause I got brains.

You drive
that fucked-over VW

'cause your head's
swollen with baby vomit.

Listen to me--

You listen to me,
you toxic vagina.

If anything happens to that guy,
it's my balls!

Geek.

[SIGHS]

Hey, Jose!

Hose B!

Go see Schuyler.

Checks came in early.

[LAUGHING EVILLY]

[TIRES SQUEAL]

SCHUYLER:
Hey, you fat-ass schmuck!

Get the fuck outta here!

Come back here! I want you
to see this car, goddamn it!

Max?

I'm home!

Max!

[CRASH]

Oh, no.

Not again.

Don't come in here!

Oh, Max.

MAX: Tammy wants to marry
a doctor. not an embalmer, Sam.

Tammy!

We-- We were just
talking about you.

Hi, Max.

I stopped by just to see

if you'd heard
from medical school yet.

♪ I brought along
The nurse's uniform ♪

Oh, yeah, Sam and I are going
to mortuary school.

We've inherited a mortuary.

Isn't that great?

I'm afraid I can't
see you anymore, Max.

Why? What do you mean?

I'd rather die than marry
a gut plumber.

You may as well take back
your nurse's uniform.

I had it dry-cleaned.

Maybe at the mortuary,

you'll find some other nurse
to help you with your...

little problem.

What problem?

Let's just say
that your brother has...

certain...inadequacies

that make a relationship
with a girl like I impossible.

Bye, Max.

What was that about?

She's right.
I've got a problem.

What problem?

Uh...with kissing.

Kissing?

Well...

First of all, Max,

there's no problem
that money can't solve.

Tammy will break out
the kneepads and mouthwash

when she finds out
how rich you are.

[CHUCKLES]

[♪]

[SNORING]

MAN: By the way, Sam,
Jerry Buss called.

He and Jack want to meet you

at Spago for dinner
after the Lakers game tonight.

Maps to the stars' homes, $2.

Schuyler!

Is that you?

Schuyler! Hey!

Work with me.

Grimm? Sam Grimm?
The mortuary king?

That's me, babe.

Oh, c-congratulations
on your great success.

Thank you.

What happened
to your legs?

I...I lost them
in a poker game.

I'm blind too, you know,

and I have hemorrhoids
the size of monkey heads.

Ah.

But how do you live?

I sell maps,
turn tricks.

For 3 bucks, I can make
a man feel real good.

Oh.

Come and work for me
at the mansion.

I can always use a man
with no legs.

Oh!

You're--
You're a saint.

[ATOMIZER SPRAYS]

[MOANS]

Put him in the trunk!

[LAUGHTER ECHOES]

I'd like to make
a big deposit.

NURSES:
Ooh!

Is all that money really yours?

Uh-huh.

And the nurses too?

That's right,

and it isn't easy
keeping them all satisfied.

Well, what about your problem?

NURSES:
What problem?

Listen, Max,

what do you say we go out
right now

and get married?

Marriage is a disease.

NURSES:
And we're the cure!

Tammy,

you had your chance.

Now eat your heart out.

Girls?

[NURSES LAUGH]

[SOBBING]

Come on, Max.

It's game time.

Forget it. I'm not going.

Max!

It's $2 million.

Frankly, Sam,
I don't give a damn.

[PHONE RINGS]

Grimm Mortuary and Academy.

You kill 'em, we chill 'em.

Excuse me, we're Sam
and Max Grimm, and we--

Listen, I've been waiting
almost one hour.

Where the hell
is Truscott?

I told you.

Dr. Truscott is
in the embalming room

and cannot be disturbed.

This bill
is eight-months overdue.

If I don't receive payment
by next week,

he's gonna find himself
without Lullaby Baby Caskets.

Got it?

Ah! Pinhead.

[LAUGHS]

We have an appointment
with Dr. Truscott.

Oh!

Well,

have a seat.

I'll let him know
you're here.

Thank you.

TRUSCOTT: What a tragedy
that such a beautiful woman

should be struck down
in her prime,

transformed into a cold,
motionless object of desire.

But how fortunate

that I possess the sacred
knowledge and the chemicals

that permit me
to memorialize you,

to transform you
and preserve you forever.

Those perfect breasts.

This mound of Venus.

These ruby lips.

This...mound of Venus.

Before I bestow my gift
of eternal preservation,

let me endow you with another,
more earthly, sensual pleasure.

SECRETARY [OVER INTERCOM]:
Paging Dr. Truscott.

There are two gentlemen who say
they have an appointment.

In a minute, Helen.

[CLEARS THROAT]

I hereby endow

into your sacred flesh--

Forget it, Paul.

[SIGHS]

The mood's broken.

I'm gonna have
that intercom torn out.

It's worse
than call-waiting.

You know, Paul,

most people like
a little sexual motion--

No, no, no.

I find that
very disorienting.

Can we...pick up
after my interview?

Do I have to take
another ice bath?

You know how much
it means to me.

Oh...

Dr. Truscott
will see you now.

Ah, the brothers Grimm,
I presume.

Dr. Truscott.

Sam Grimm.
How do you do?

Max.

Delighted.

Well, you boys bear
a distressing resemblance

to my dear friend Willard Grimm,
our late founder.

He was our uncle.

Oh, yes.

That would explain it.
Of course.

And you were his nephews.

And now you want to carry on

in the family tradition.

How touching.

We're anxious
to begin our studies.

Impetuous youth!

Surely you understand
that we're in mid-semester.

Why, our students
have already mastered

the basics of bereavement,

the essentials of embalming.

See? I told you.
Come on, let's go.

Sit down, Max.

I don't mean
to discourage you boys.

As nephews of Willard Grimm,

I'm naturally eager to offer you
every opportunity.

You can start classes
this afternoon if you wish.

But be prepared

to work hard,

harder than you've ever worked
in your lives.

How do you do, boys?

May I introduce
Miss Mary Purcell, my assistant.

Your uncle was a great man,
and we shall miss him terribly.

Did you know
our Uncle Willard well?

As well as anybody
could know your uncle.

He was in our thoughts always.

Even when he was too ill
to be here in person.

Well, class will be
beginning soon. Ouch!

What is it, Miss Purcell?

It's these. My breasts.

They're so sore. They ache.

The nipples strain
against the bodice.

I can't imagine why.

[LAUGHS]

Miss Purcell loves

to quote the classics.

Well, I'd better take
you boys to class.

You don't want to be late

on your first day of school.

This way.

MAN:
I don't know. You tell me.

[WOMAN SIGHS]

I told you I need a carton
of cigarettes everyday,

and if I don't get a carton
of cigarettes everyday,

I get very unhappy,

and when I get very unhappy,

I make those around me
very unhappy.

Abbott, you're not
in prison anymore.

Quiet, class.

We have a few announcements
before we begin.

Class, I'd like to introduce
two new students.

They're starting a little late,
but we have high hopes for them.

Sam and Max Grimm.

[CLASS GROANING]

MAN:
Great. Two more gut-plumbers.

Unfortunately, I have bad news
for two other students.

Mr. Capshaw and Mr. Brody,

your tuition checks failed
to clear at the bank this month.

You are therefore expelled
from this academy,

effective immediately.

Kindly collect your things
and leave at once.

Hey, you can't do that!

My tuition's paid for
by the state.

Helen, would you show
Mr. Brody to the street?

No!

No!

No, you can't
do this to me!

I've heard enough
from you.

[WHIMPERING]

Troublemaker!

Now, class,
I thought it would be nice

if we introduced ourselves
to the new students.

Mr. Dickson?

I'm Don Dickson.

Some of you may have seen
my robot creations

at Animal World.

The boxing rabbits
and the singing flamingos

are all designed
and built by me.

I like the Beatles,

long walks on the beach
at sunset,

and I have some ideas

that hopefully will
revolutionize the industry.

Oh.

And I'm a Capricorn.

[CLASS APPLAUDS]

My name is Abbott Smith.

I'm on parole from Vacaville

where I did time for a triple
homicide and some burglary.

I'm here on a rehab program.

I like to ski, play chess

and barbecue.

I'm also working on a novel.

Oh.

I'm a Sagittarius.

[CLASS APPLAUDS]

[♪]

I'm Valerie Levitt,

and my favorite band
is Radio Werewolf.

I used to be president
of their fan club.

I wanted to be
a part of their band,

but they wouldn't let me.

So I decided that
being a mortician

would be
the next best thing.

Of course, I'm interested
in the cosmetic end.

My favorite
flavors

are chocolate, vanilla
and strawberry.

And my favorite possession
in the whole wide world

is my little dog,

Mouse.

And we're
both Virgos.

[SPEAKING IN HEBREW]

Larry doesn't
speak English,

but his family has given
a great deal of money

to the academy,

so we have decided to waive

the English
and sight requirements

in his case.

...Gemini.

[STUDENTS APPLAUD]

♪ James Dandridge is my name
Jim Dandy for short ♪

♪ I'm the jack-of-all-trades
The master of the mort ♪

♪ Entrepreneur by day
Embalmer by night ♪

♪ Draining blood
From dead bodies ♪

♪ Is my life ♪

♪ Well, somebody's
Gotta do it ♪

♪ Might as well
Be me ♪

♪ But I'll tell you
One thing ♪

♪ It won't
Be free ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm gonna start
A chain of these ♪

♪ For that
Special occasion ♪

♪ For every race, color, creed
And sexual persuasion ♪

I'm a Leo.

[STUDENTS APPLAUD]

I think that's enough
introductions for now.

I'm going to turn
the class now over to--

SAM: Excuse me.

Max and I would just
like to say

that we're very excited

about being here,
right, Max?

[BOTH LAUGH NERVOUSLY]

Ever since Max and I were
tiny little orphans,

we've had a dream.

When all the other kids were
killing themselves playing war,

my brother Max and I
were picking up

all the little
dead bodies.

[SAM LAUGHS]

[SIGHS]
Okay.

Is that it?

That's--
That's it.

Why don't you
take your seats?

And I'll turn the class back

to Miss Purcell.

MAN:
Uh, can I ask you to move there, please?

Today, class,

we're going to talk
a little about

casket-side manner
and body display.

Here's a hypothetical situation.

It's 100 degrees
in the shade.

The air conditioning
is on the blink.

But you've done
your best

to fix the face
of the poor bastard

who got hit in the head
with a baseball bat,

but he still looks like
the Phantom of the Opera,

and he stinks
of the heat.

His girlfriend

files by.

And she faints--

[SIGHS]

What do you do?

Fuck her.

[ALL LAUGH]

You, Max,
come here.

MAN:
Do it, dude. Do it, dude.

Chicken.

[♪]

[CLEARS THROAT]

MAN:
Go for it.

I don't know.

Mouth-to-mouth,

you stupid dick.

[STUDENTS LAUGH]

[SIGHS]

I can't.

I'm sorry, I've
got this thing--

Hey, that's
okay, Max.

It's okay.

Sit down.
I'll take over.

So, little lady,
what seems to be the problem?

How about a little
mouth-to-mouth?

JAMES:
Give it to her, baby.

[STUDENTS EXCLAIMING]

Yeah!

Uh-huh.

JAMES:
Suck on it! Suck! Yes!

That-- That's enough.

[SIGHS]

Uh, you can take
your seat now.

[SIGHS]

Um--

Whoo!

Well, now I'd like to talk about
the special problems

that sometimes come up
when displaying the body.

For example,

sometimes the loved one
is decapitated.

[LAUGHS]

Sorry to bother you,
Dr. Truscott,

but they're bringing
in the Hollyhead girl.

Who?

You know,
the cheerleader

who choked on popcorn
at the drive-in.

Oh, yes.

Her boyfriend was with her

when it happened,

and he's waiting for you
now in the chapel.

Thank you, Helen.

[ETHEREAL MUSIC PLAYING]

Oh, my!

You must be
Miss Hollyhead's boyfriend.

Randy Sampson.

I'm Paul Truscott,
director of Grimm Mortuary.

What was
Miss Hollyhead's first name?

Linda.

Linda.

Such a lovely name.

What a shame.

[SOBBING]
I blame myself.

I bought her
the popcorn.

She didn't even
want any.

I killed her.
Now, now.

All that's not going to
bring Linda back, is it?

Try to pull yourself
together, Randy.

There are just a few
questions I need to ask you

about the loved one.

Yes, sir.

What was
her religious affiliation?

Catholic.

Excellent.

And was she a native
of Southern California?

Yes, she was.

And at the time
of her death,

was she still
a virgin?

Yeah!

Yeah.

[SNIFFLING]

It was her
17th birthday.

We were supposed to go
all the way that night

after the movie.

[SNIFFLING]

If I hadn't bought
that fucking popcorn...

[CRYING]
Now, now.

Linda's with God now.

I'm sure she doesn't
blame you for anything.

Try to pull
yourself together.

Let's see if we can get through
the rest of these questions.

What is
her father's profession?

Insurance salesman.

And you did say
she was a virgin?

Yes, sir.

And, uh, she was
a junior in high school

at the time
of her death?

Yes, sir.

And she was
a virgin?

She hadn't yet been
to bed with a man?

She hadn't had
sexual intercourse

at the time
of her death?

A lot of you have been asking
when we would get the chance

to work on a real corpse.

Well, today's the day.

And you're particularly
lucky, class,

because the corpse
we're going to work on

is none other than...

BOTH:
Uncle Willard!

...the founder
of Grimm Mortuary.

It ain't appropriate
to put nobody on display

with a wild-ass,
fucking smile

like this
old son of a bitch.

Hey, watch it!
That's my uncle.

He's nobody's uncle
now, pal.

He's just a piece
of fucking dead meat.

Wonderful.
Thank you.

PURCELL:
Quiet.

I'll show you
in a moment

how we'll wipe
the smile off his face.

But first,

we have to
drain him

with this.

[STUDENT GASPS]

Oh, my God!
Holy shit.

After which, we'll pump his body
full of embalming fluid.

I thought it would be
a beautiful gesture

if we let one of
the new students

for whom this corpse
has special meaning

do the job.

Would you like
to do the honors?

Ah! Ohhh!

Very sensitive.

ABBOTT:
You pussies!

Give me that!

Oh, Abbott,
why don't you do it?

[GASPS]

Yeah!

[SQUELCHING]

Yeah!

Very good,
Abbott.

There is no room for cheap
sentiment or weak stomachs

in the mortuary
business.

Uh-uh.

[MAX VOMITING]

Max, are you
all right?

[TOILET FLUSHES]

Oh. I'll be okay.

Jesus, you know, I don't think
I'll be able to handle this.

Oh.
That's okay.

I'm sorry.
That's okay.

I know it's
a little rough.

But, Max, you gotta look
at the big picture.

Two million dollars.

I know, but I just don't think
I'm cut out for this.

Oh, sure you are.

[COUGHS & GROANS]

I'll buy you
a little lunch.

[PEOPLE CHATTERING]

Forget the dipstick,
dipshit,

and serve
the television dinners!

This is our
meal ticket.

We got to ride this one
into the beach.

But, Sam,
we don't surf.

That Valerie is
a luscious, fabulous woman,

and she's interested
in you.

Don't bullshit me,
Sam.

I'm not. I can tell by the way
she looks at your lips.

Yeah, when I made fool of myself
in front of the whole class?

Hey, your uncle must've
really been something.

He took twice the normal
amount of embalming fluid.

Oh, please.

Thank you.

Geek.

[RETCHING]

SAM: I always
liked this place.

I love the people,
I love the food.

Gosh, we are having
the best day--

Shut up, Sam!

Gosh, I am
so sorry.

How insensitive
of me.

That's okay. She didn't
mean anything by it.

JAMES: Hi.

Uh, can I talk to
you boys for a second?

Certainly.

Now, look, I know you guys
aren't here for your health.

See, I can tell that
by the look

on this
motherfucker.

BOTH:
So where are you from?

JAMES: The way
I'm seeing it,

you're probably gonna
take over this place soon.

Pasadena.
Garden Grove.

JAMES: You're
gonna need

a right-hand man,

and I've got all kinds of ideas
on how to run this place.

I don't think so.

Now, I could kick
your slim ass.

Was that true about you
and Radio Werewolf?

Why don't you two
get acquainted,

and we'll be conferencing
right over here.

Well, to tell you the truth,
I've never heard them.

Really?

Well, they're gonna be
in concert

this weekend
at the Arena.

It's gonna
be huge.

JAMES: That's why
you need rubber gloves.

You can catch
all kinds of diseases.

Would you like
to go?

Yeah! Yeah,
that'd be great.

Hey, terrific.

[LAUGHING]

Got it, you got it.
Okay.

[MECHANICAL BUZZING]

Mmm. How are the Grimm brothers
doing in their studies?

I don't think that
the Grimm brothers

are cut out for
the mortuary business.

You should've seen
the older one freak

when I started
to embalm his uncle.

I knew
they wouldn't last

the minute they walked
through the door.

There is something about
the younger one, though.

Oh, really, Mary?

He is aggressive.

He's smart.

And sexy.

And really
good-looking.

Oh, I don't find him
attractive at all.

I just think that he's gonna
excel in a number of areas.

Have you lost
your mind?

Don't you know
what happens

if they graduate from
the Mortuary Academy?

Didn't you read that copy
of Willard's will

I had stolen from
his attorney's office?

Paul, what are you
talking about?

I'm talking about sole
ownership of the mortuary,

building and grounds.

I'm assuming his nephews
get it all.

If they graduate.

Get the picture?

And if they fail?

Ownership reverts
to present management.

In other words, me.

Or us.

If we become
partners.

Oh, Paul, is that
a proposal?

Not exactly.
Keep on rubbing.

We'll see
what happens.

Oh, Paul,
I love you.

Let's do it. Let's
do it in the garage.

Let's do it
in the hearse.

Let's do it in the mud,
and then we can--

[WHISPERING]

[LAUGHS]

That sounds lovely.

But there's
some things

I have to take care of
around here tonight.

SAM:
Hey, Larry!

Time to eat!

This chili is
really good, Abbott.

Really?

Won the blue ribbon
five years running

at Vacaville.

VALERIE:
Really?

[SPEAKING
IN HEBREW]

Where did you get that, Larry?

Remember when you
got lost at Macy's

and I had to buy this
Porta-Potty?

No.

Yeah, I found you
an hour later,

caught by the guards,

crying your
little eyes out.

I don't remember.

[SPEAKS IN HEBREW]

He had to take a tinkle, Larry.

Oh, that's
really cute.

How old were you?

Eighteen.

[LAUGHTER]

Guys like you
used to get lost

in the joint
all the time.

But they never
got found.

[GUFFAWING]

Oh, poor Max.

[SPEAKS IN HEBREW]

DON:
An enema, Larry?

What good would that do?

Hey, Larry, I didn't know
you were into water and power.

Max?

Hey, Sam,

what's
all this food?

MAX: Don't come
in here.

Sam, is
that Max?

Uh...

[LAUGHS]

Oh, that's
a kidder.

He's done this for--
VALERIE: Max!

Max, stop
fooling around.

No.

Max, you're ruining
the tapioca.

Just leave me
alone.

Let me go quietly to sleep

and freeze
to death.

Max!

Uh, why don't you
get him out of here

and I'll go
get a blanket?

[LAUGHS]

Max, does the light
really go off

when you close
the door?

[LAUGHS]

Max.

I understand.

We all need
somebody to love.

Like, I-- I have
this little dog, Max.

Oh.

No, really, Max.

He's-- He's the sweetest
little thing.

He's so tiny.

Except, every week,
I have to hide him

because my mother has
all these fat women over

for diet seminars.

Oh, I love him so.

And you're gonna
love him too, Max.

Uh, I don't need
a dog.

I need a-- I need
a girl to love me.

Oh, but I guess
that'll never happen.

[BELL TOLLS]

[WATER DRIPPING]

[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]

Linda,
it's Paul Truscott.

Would you come out
for a moment?

I'd like to talk
to you, if I may.

Mmm.

I hope I'm not
disturbing you.

What?
Behind my back?

See if you can guess.

[LAUGHS]

Clever girl,
how did you know?

For you.

Yes, they're
my favorite too.

I spoke with Randy today.

Such a sweet boy,
but not right for you.

Somehow, I see you
with someone older,

someone who could
appreciate your subtleties.

My beard? Do you like it?

I've always worn it.

Some women tell me
it tickles when I--

[CHUCKLES]

You know.

Let me be frank.

I find you very attractive,

but I'm not interested in any
fly-by-night, casual romance.

I've had my heart broken
too many times.

What?

[WHISPERS] What?

Oh, darling, nothing would
give me more pleasure.

It's what I long for.

But I don't think we should,
not on our first date.

I'd better go now, before we
do something we both regret.

[LARRY SPEAKING HEBREW]

[SCREAMING]

[ALL SCREAMING]

Larry! Larry, you've got
to learn to concentrate.

MAN:
Whoa!

[PROPELLERS BUZZING]

Now, the most important thing
in dumping ashes

is to do it in one swift,
decisive gesture.

Here, Max.
You do the honors.

Uh, I feel sick. Could
somebody else please do it?

Max, we're flying over
Santa Anita at 3000 feet.

Just dump the fucking ashes.

Oh! Oh, no, no!

[SCREAMING]

[LARRY SPEAKING HEBREW]

ALL: Larry!

Get off me, you squid.

The drill's over. That's it.
Kill the fans.

Max.

You owe the academy $50
for that urn,

$100 for my dress,

in addition to a $25 shampoo

to get the loved one
out of my hair.

That's $175, Max.

PURCELL: Now, cremation
is a real art form.

It's also a great way
to make a quick buck.

How long has it been in?

I think it should be
done by now.

Just leave it in.

No, no. Leave it in any longer,
and it'll be ruined.

We might as well
see if it's ready.

Valerie, be careful.

VALERIE: Ow! It's too hot.

Abbott.

You pussies.

[STEAM HISSING]

[SCREAMING]

Oh, damn, man. That's what
I call finger-lickin' good.

[SIZZLING]

You'll learn more
about the mortuary business

in the next five days

than you ever thought possible.

We are going to reveal to you

professional secrets
of Grimm Mortuary

that are worth hundreds
of dollars on the black market.

And if any of you
ever reveal them,

we will track you down
and kill you.

Fuckin' A!

Miss Purcell?

Will any of
these activities

bring us into conflict
with the police?

The only thing you have
to worry about, Mr. Dickson,

is direct conflict with me.

Get down, bitch.

All right, all of you,

get in the wagons.

[♪]

[MAN SPEAKING OVER POLICE RADIO]

A traffic accident.
Sixteen hundred East--

PURCELL: A police radio is
indispensable in mortuary work.

[WOMAN SPEAKING
OVER POLICE RADIO]

WOMAN 2: Multiple collision on
Sunset Boulevard, westbound.

Bodies in roadway.
Proceed. Code 3.

PURCELL: Dickson, floor it.

[TIRES SQUEAL]

DICKSON: I-is this gonna
be gory, Miss Purcell?

PURCELL: I can't promise
anything. All I can do is hope.

[TIRES SQUEAL]

Great!
We're the first ones here.

Oh, shit!
It's just like Platoon.

I haven't seen
this much blood

since Jimmy Hawks asked me
to be his cellblock bride.

Oh, my God! This is gross.

I feel sick.

[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

Don't worry, Larry.

You'll get a chance
to use the bathroom later.

Get tags on these bodies
as quick as you can.

PURCELL: Go ahead.

JAMES:
Oh, man! He ain't got no dick.

MAN: Hey, hey!

What the hell is
going on around here?

Oh, hi, Anthony.
A little late, aren't you?

Don't be such
a fucking hog, Mary.

There's more than enough bodies
to go around here.

Tony, Tony.

We got here first.

To the victors
belong the spoils.

DON:
Smoking does kill.

Well, I'm
taking that one.

The fuck you are.

[TIRES SQUEAL]

[ALL SHOUTING
IN JAPANESE]

[TIRES SQUEAL]

PURCELL:
Tag all those bodies.

Come on!

MAN: Get your hands
off my stiff!

[BLOWS WHISTLE]

Grimm team,

load up the meat!

MAN 2: Get your hands
off their legs!

[SIRENS WAILING]

Well, class.

All in all, you seem
to have survived blitz week

in pretty good shape,

and I'm very proud of you.

But it is not over yet.

[ALL GROAN]
Quiet.

Put your books away
and prepare for a pop oral.

I got your pop oral right here.

[LAUGHTER]

Are we being
graded on this?

Yes, we are
being graded on this.

It is probably the single most
important exam of the term.

But,
Miss Purcell--

PURCELL: Silence!

Will there be questions
on cosmetology?

That is my very
first question.

What is the red substance

we put on the loved one's lips

in order to improve
his appearance in the casket?

Oh, God. I know this.

It comes in a tube.
We use it in everyday life.

Put it on the lips.

Oh. It's lip...

Um...

No helping,
Mr. Grimm.

It's lip something.

I-I just can't
think of the word.

That's close enough.
It's lipstick.

Oh, wow.
You've passed the test.

Sam.

Your turn next.

I've got this one waxed.

In the 16th century,
in some European countries,

it was against
religious custom

to give funeral rites
to the practitioners

of certain occupations.

I want you

to name three of
those occupations

and cite specific
names and dates.

Uh...

MAN: That wasn't
in the book.

Street sweepers.

Wrong.

Winemakers.
Wrong.

Devil-worshipers.

Wrong.

Actors, Mr. Grimm,
people of the theater,

is the correct answer.

What were the other two?

There weren't any others.

It was a trick question.

[ALL MURMURING]

PURCELL: Dickson.

What do we call the place

where the bodies
are put to final rest,

and I'm gonna
give you a hint.

It often has stones and markers

indicating locations of graves
and the names of the deceased.

Cemetery?

Wonderful.

At least some of us
have been doing our homework.

Max Grimm.

What is the chemical composition
of formaldehyde?

And at what temperature
does it vaporize?

MAX: Uh...

Two-C-H...

three-O-H...

plus-O--

Wrong.

Miss Purcell,
I think Max was right.

CLASS:
Yeah.

Well, then, in which hand
do I hold the eraser?

How the hell should I know?

The left one.
Wrong. I don't have an eraser.

You've failed the test.

[ALL MURMUR]

[SIREN BLARING]

Emergency! Emergency!

Emergency! Emergency!

Helen, Helen, Helen.

I'm sorry to interrupt,
Miss Purcell,

but there's an urgent message
for Miss Valerie.

Oh, that's all right.
I've finished anyway.

Class is dismissed.
What is it?

You're wanted at home
right away.

I hope it's
nothing serious.

The test results
will be posted at 5:00.

Mary!
Paul.

Mary, where's
the Levenstein body?

What did you do with it?

I gave it to Abbott
for his cremation project.

The ashes will be ready
in five days.

You've gotta stop him.

The Levensteins
have changed their mind.

Now they want
an open-casket ceremony.

Open-casket?

You told me
I could roast him.

Now, Abbott, calm down.
There's been a change of plans.

We need him dressed and ready
for an open-casket ceremony

in a couple of hours.

Snap to it.

Fuck.

I already sold the legs
to UCBS Medical Center.

[SPEAKING HEBREW]

Chicken legs?

Larry, if they were going to
execute you for having a brain,

they'd be hanging
an innocent man!

Chicken legs?!
What are you, a fucking alien?

Where's that foot?

I wonder what happened
to Valerie.

She's been gone
an awful long time.

I hope she's okay.

We're supposed to go
to that concert tonight.

Thanks for reminding me.
I still don't have a date.

Well, look who's here.

Valerie!

What happened?
Are you okay?

Is your mom okay?

My mom's okay.

Except for the bloodstain
on her dress.

What?

She, uh...

She...

She sat on Mouse.

ABBOTT:
Ha! Frisbee dog!

The poor little guy.

ABBOTT:
Valerie...

He's up there pissing on that
big fire hydrant in the sky.

[SOBS]

[ABBOTT GUFFAWING]

He looks, uh...

uh...

peaceful.

At least he didn't suffer.

Well, that all depends
on whether or not

your momma got a big ass!

Hey, hey, Dickson,

wasn't your specialty
dogs at Animal World?

Do you think
you could, uh...?

Yeah. But I need
a place to do it.

I-I need--
I need equipment, supplies.

Do you think
somebody could sneak us

into one of them
mortuary workrooms?

Sam, you can do that.

Sure, babe.

DICKSON: Valerie.

Can I borrow Mouse tonight?

I promise not to hurt him.

How you going to hurt
the damn dog? He's already dead.

Sorry.

I'm sorry.

Come on.

Max, just throw it.
Throw it.

Come on, throw it at--
Max.

Max, just--

TRUSCOTT: "It is therefore
with appreciation

"that I accept
your kind invitation

"to the Mortuary Science
Symposium in the Virgin Islands.

I am hoping accommodations
may be available for my..."

Uh...
Come on, Max.

"Fiancée."

Come on, Maxie.

Oh, dear. I'll give you
the rest of this later, Helen.

[KNOCKING AT DOOR]

Shall I call the police?

Heavens, no. I can handle
the O'Rourke brothers.

Let them in, Helen.

[KNOCKING AT DOOR]

Mick, Sean,
how nice to see you.

Cut the bullshit, Truscott.
You know why we're here.

Where's our coffin?

Uh, refresh my memory.
Which coffin is that?

BOTH:
The mother-of-pearl inlaid,

silk-lined, triple-reinforced,

fumed-oak, super-deluxe
O'Rourke special edition!

Prickhead!

MICK: Dickface!

Valued at $15,000 wholesale,

which you've had on consignment
for the last 18 months!

Oh, that coffin.
Did you boys want it back?

We happen to know you sold it

two days ago.

For $20,000. We want
our money now, butt-head!

That's absurd.

Why, I hadn't heard
from you boys in so long--

Somebody told me
you were both in prison.

--that I sold that casket for
peanuts to some charity case.

You call Sam Levenstein
a charity case?

Where did you get that name?
We have our sources, shithead.

He's richer than God.
Give us the money,

or we'll take the coffin
with us right now!

I'll have a check drawn
to you first thing next--

Tomorrow morning.
Nice try, Truscott.

Okay, Sean, the tight bastard
ain't comin' across.

Let's go get what's ours.

Now, wait a minute, boys.

Hey!

Mick! Sean!

Come on, guys,
be reasonable.

I said I'd give you a check.

I'm willing to give you
a check. Speak to me.

What, don't you want a check?

Wait, stop.
You can't go in there.

TRUSCOTT:
That's the viewing room.

Charity case, my ass! That's
the special edition, all right.

WOMAN:
Oh! Oh!

Oh!
[SQUELCHING]

Hey, lady,
your dearly departed's

gonna leak like
a cheap prophylactic.

Mr. Truscott!

BOTH:
Happy trails, doctor!

I demand an explanation.

My dear Mrs. Levenstein,

I discovered only moments ago
that this casket was defective.

You can see for yourself

what the caustic chemicals
and lining have done

to your dear
loved one's body.

Thank God we caught it
before the damage got any worse.

This is absolutely
outrageous!

Naturally, I demanded
that the manufacturers

take back the casket
immediately.

I apologize for any
inconvenience or embarrassment

you may have suffered.

I-- I don't know
what to say.

We'll have your loved one
tucked away

in one of our elegant postmodern
all-pine numbers in a moment.

But first I do
have to speak to you

about the additional costs.

Oh! Ohhh!

Ohhh...

[THUD]

Watch it. You're gonna
hit the fat boys.

Hey, Max, throw it in here.
Throw it in here.

Come on,
hit the fat dorks.

Paul.

The O'Rourke brothers have taken
away the special-edition casket.

Please, Mary,
I don't want to talk about it.

But didn't you just sell
that casket to the Levensteins

for $30,000?

Frankly, Mary, I don't remember
what the Levensteins paid.

But it certainly
wasn't that casket,

and it wasn't $30,000.

Now, what about
the Grimm boys?

Have you
flunked them out yet?

Soon, Paul. Soon.

The sooner,
the better, Mary.

For the good
of everyone involved.

Now, if you'd excuse me...

[♪]

[OPENS DRAWER]

[GLASS SHATTERS]

Helen?

HELEN:
Grimm Mortuary and Academy.

You snuff 'em,
we stuff 'em.

I have something personal
to ask you.

One moment,
please.

If it's about my period,
I haven't had one for 50 years.

Not that personal.

Listen, Helen...

has Dr. Truscott been
getting any funny calls?

No.

Just the usual
creditors.

You know, threatening his life.

No, I mean female calls.
Ladies.

Girls.

Why, no, Mary.

And I certainly would have
remembered if he did

because I haven't had
my period for--

That's enough. Honestly.

Oh, Mary.

Back when I was still
having my period,

I found out that the best way
to keep a man interested

is to play the field a little.

You know, like, diddle around.

You mean, fuck around?

Hi, Sam.

Oh!

Oh, hello, Miss Purcell.

What did I do wrong now?

[LAUGHS]

You don't have to be in trouble
to get my attention.

So, what's wrong
with your car?

Oh, you're in a cheerful mood.

Got another
pop oral for me?

Oh, Sam, I know that
seems terribly unfair.

But we do have to think
of the good of the school.

Maintaining high standards
and all.

Oh, right.

Hey, I don't want
you to think

that I have anything
against you personally.

It's quite the opposite.

Are you saying
you find me attractive?

Yes.

You're intelligent
and hard-working

and serious...

and absolutely
attractive.

Attractive? Me?

Yes, you.

What are you
doing tonight?

I got a couple of tickets
to see Radio Werewolf.

Oh, Radio Werewolf!
Wow, they're my favorite band.

But I suppose you
already have a date.

No, as a matter of fact,
I don't.

Would you like to be
my date, Miss Purcell?

Would you
call me Mary?

And I'd be delighted.

And let's take my car,
because it works.

[♪]

A glass of champagne,
my dear?

You do like champagne,
don't you?

[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

You know, everything smells
like formaldehyde to me lately.

Oh. Don't you
like formaldehyde?

What a pity.
Well, you're very young still.

A toast.

To my new handsome friend.

You know, you look
pretty swell in that dress.

So thoughtful of Randy
to drop it off.

So, what would you
like to do tonight?

Movies?

Dinner? Hmm?

I'm really looking forward
to this concert.

And maybe afterwards...

I might have a little
surprise for you.

[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

[LAUGHS]

[♪]

Wow, your date's really
trashed, isn't she?

Didn't eat her fries
or anything.

I guess her eyes are a little
larger than her stomach.

She looks like a girl
I used to know in high school.

Weird. Did you know a girl
named Linda Hollyhead?

The worst thing happened.
She was eating popcorn--

We're visiting
from Europe,

and we have to be
in Las Vegas in an hour.

How much do I owe you?

Four dollars for the hamburgers
and 75 cents for--

This ought to cover it.
Keep the change.

[TIRES SQUEAL]

[CRASH]

VALERIE:
I'm so nervous.

Don't you think that this
should be over by now?

Dickson's a perfectionist.

He's using all
his skills on Mouse.

I should have never
left Mouse unattended

with all those fat women
at diet seminars.

Oh, that dog was a champ.

Is everything
all right?

He's doing fine.
He's doing great.

Ohh.
There's just one question.

We gotta figure out
which one of these

sounds most like his voice.

Okay, are you listening?

[DOG BARKING VICIOUSLY]

All right.

[ELEPHANT TRUMPETING]

And the last one now.

[MONKEY SQUEALING, COW MOOING]

I love the last one,

but I really think the first one
sounds more like Mouse.

Wait a minute.
What about "Hee-haw"?

[♪]

That was such
a great concert.

I'm a total Radio Werewolf
freak now.

What the fuck
are we doing here?

Oh, I've got to check up
on someone-- Something.

It's only gonna
take a minute.

Why don't you
come with me?

It's a little spooky
here at night.

I think it's romantic.

That son of a bitch!

Is there anything wrong?

Nothing.

Nothing that an hour or so

with a nice, healthy
young man like you

isn't going to make right.

[♪]

MAN:
Hey. We're all out of pâté.

And I'm getting horny.

Well, whose idea
was it anyway

not to bring along anyone
of the female persuasion?

Yeah, we need a little
yin with our yang.

Well, I'm going on a little
reconnaissance mission.

You never know what you'll find
lying around on the beach.

[♪]

Valerie, don't you think
you've had enough?

I just can't take it
anymore, Max.

I know. I remember
when Uncle Willard--

Oh, screw
Uncle Willard, Max!

Mouse is dead!

Valerie.
Jim, Jim, is he okay?

Girl, we ain't got no tab
on him right now.

Just answer this question:
Did Mouse ever wag his tail?

Why? Is there something wrong
with Mouse's tail?

Dickson is in there
working on it right now.

When did Mouse wag his tail?

Uh...when he was hungry.
Uh-huh.

When he was happy.
Uh-huh.

When he had to go
to the bathroom.

Practically
all the time.

Good. You can have him.

Wait, please!

Can we see him?
Not now.

Val, let's just get moving.

No, Max!
I've gotta see him!

[MACHINERY WHIRRS]

Mouse! Mouse, what have
they done to you?

Valerie, no. It's too early.

You don't wanna see him
in this state.

Oh, but I just want to see
his tiny little face,

just for a minute.

Please.

All right.
But just for a moment.

And don't try to talk to him.

He won't know you.

Talk to him?

Why, yes.

Once the heat sensors are in,

you'll be amazed
at what he can do.

Ohh!
[WHINES MECHANICALLY]

No!

[♪]

Linda.

Linda?

Linda?

Linda!

She's...dead.

MAN:
Who's dead?

What are you talking about?

Look for
yourself.

Probably fucked her to death.

Oh, my God. Should we
call the police?

Not if we don't want
to lose our jobs

at Balcerowicz, Teller, Niebaum,
Tomosaka and Klein.

Just leave her here.
People will think she drowned.

Excuse me, gentlemen.
I'm looking for my fiancée.

She seems to have gotten lost
last night.

What did she
look like?

She's about 5'2",

brown hair, brown eyes.

Haven't seen her.

No.

Why, there she is.

In your sleeping bag.

Oh, that girl.
Why didn't you say something?

Found her here last night.

She's very cold
and exhausted.

That's right. We were just
trying to keep her warm.

She's a real
party animal.

Shut up,
will you?

Look, mister,
we gotta get going.

She's still sleeping it off.
We don't want to impose.

Bye.
She can keep the sleeping bag.

I'm so glad you're safe.

I was terribly worried.

We'll overlook whatever happened
between you and those young men.

I know you could never
feel anything for them.

Come on, darling.
Let's go home.

I'll never forget
this night,

but now we have
decisions to make,

a future to plan.

[ENGINE STARTS]

See? I told you
I could fix it.

The carburetor is
a delicate piece of machinery.

Eh, it's not so delicate.

Just needs a little
diddling with.

You certainly have
a point there.

So you're not mad at me
anymore, are you?

No, I'm not mad at you.

[DOOR OPENS]

Oh, my darling.

There'll be plenty of time
for foreplay

when we're on our honeymoon.

I want you to lie
perfectly still.

[KNOCKING AT DOOR]

Open up!

Damn!
I'm gonna call the police.

That won't be necessary,
Mary. It's only me.

I got here
a little early.

What were you
doing in here?

Just cleaning up.
Checking the bodies.

Why was the door locked?

Habit, I guess.

Isn't the Hollyhead girl
a little overdue for burial?

Her parents can't
quite bring themselves

to make the final arrangements.

Hmm. They'd better hurry up.
She's not getting any fresher.

Wasn't that the Grimm boy
I saw driving away as I arrived?

How should I know?

Perhaps he just came to say
a last goodbye to the old place.

Has Helen sent them notice of
their failure and expulsion yet?

I don't think so.

Well, as soon as she does,

the sooner you and I
become partners.

I hope I'm making myself
perfectly clear.

Paul, can we talk about--?

If you'll excuse me, Mary,

I have a number of things
to attend to.

[SCOFFS]

DICKSON:
Go ahead, try it, Valerie.

VALERIE:
Sit, Mouse. Beg.

[BOTH LAUGH]

I gotta work on that.

Wag your tail,
Mouse.

Try patting him.

I've been having trouble
with the tail.

Go ahead, go ahead.
It's okay.

[BARKS]
Oh!

What, he's gonna
bite you?

DON: I'll work out
the kinks later tonight.

By the time
I'm through with him,

he'll be fetchin'
the morning paper.

Dickson, show her that little
thing that you were showing me.

What? Oh.

Valerie, clap your hands twice
right by his left ear.

[ALL LAUGHING]

May I inquire the meaning
of this brouhaha?

My dog Mouse died,
Dr. Truscott,

and Dickson
fixed him up for me.

Yes, sir.

Your dog?
Yeah.

May I remind you students
that this is a mortuary academy?

We deal in the art
of embalming loved ones,

not stuffing and animating
vulgar house pets.

Now, you just hold on,
you bald-headed test-tube--

Am I to understand that
this desecration took place

on mortuary property,
using mortuary equipment?

Wasting
mortuary material?

Please. It was the only way.

I detect the delinquent hands

of the brothers Grimm
in this fiasco.

That's right,
Dr. Truscott.

It was our idea.
We'll take full responsibility.

SAM:
Max, Max.

We figured it was okay,

since we were gonna, you know,

end up owning this place
sooner or later.

Well, you have
another thing coming.

You're expelled,
the two of you.

Get out! Get your things
and get out!

ALL:
What?!

Sam and Max
wasn't even here.

I did all the work.

They only did it
for me.

Hey, chief. Back off!

You're expelled too,
you pathetic recidivist.

All of you, get out.

Out of my sight!

Your careers are
with your diplomas:

in the crematorium oven.

I don't expect to see any of you
around here again.

And if I do, you'll all be
arrested for trespassing!

Good day!

More come in every day,

but none of them
ever seem to get paid.

Well, how long
has this been going on?

I don't know. Months.

There's no reason
for this.

The mortuary's been in the black
ever since I've worked here.

Where's Dr. Truscott?

HELEN:
In his office, I think.

Tuesday at 11:45 a.m.

What day does it arrive
in the Virgin Islands?

Not until Sunday?

I guess that'll
have to be all right.

I'd like to book one first-class
cabin to Saint Thomas.

Now I wonder
if you have

refrigeration facilities
on your ship?

You do?

In the cargo hold?

I see.

My fiancée has
a very rare medical condition.

She requires extremely low
temperatures at all times.

I trust that won't be a problem.

All right, I'll be down to pick
up the ticket this afternoon.

No.

Just one-way.

I won't be
returning ever.

[♪]

Oh, miss.
Yes?

Excuse me.
Mm-hmm.

I'm looking for a traveling
ensemble for my fiancée.

Why, certainly, sir.

Would you like something
for a cold or a warm climate?

Warm, but she'll
want to cover up.

I need something
with a high neck

and a floor-length skirt,

and...do you have any parkas
with Odor-Eaters in them?

I beg your pardon?

Odor-Eaters.

[WOMAN SCREAMS]

The most horrible thing's
just happened!

It's on TV!

Come on!

The enormously popular group
the Radio Werewolf

was apparently taking joy rides
in a stolen 'Baker.

We're going to Christie Doll
on the scene.

They came from a white
Transylvania ghetto,

and they died on this
Beverly Hills boulevard

far from home.

The irony of this
would not have been lost

on these acerbic youths
whose name, Radio Werewolf,

summed up an era
in popular music.

Smothered by a breast-shaped
balloon meant to protect them,

they died quickly
but prematurely.

Let's talk to a fan.

WOMAN:
They're not dead.

They've pulled
this shit before.

Bernie Berkowitz, their manager
for the last two months.

They're not dead!
You can't kill Radio Werewolf!

These are wonderful kids,
you know.

A little wild, sure,

but, I mean, who can
hold that against them?

They had more music
in their rotten teeth

than most musicians have
in their whole heads.

You talk about them
as if they're still alive.

Uh, no comment.

This is Christie Doll.
Back to you, Nancy--

[SWITCHES OFF TV]

First Mouse is squashed,
then we're all expelled,

and now this:
Radio Werewolf, dead.

Hey! Come on,
everybody.

Look, we have to get
our acts together.

Now, what are we gonna do?

PURCELL:
I know what to do.

I've got a plan,
but I need your help.

And if it works,

I can pretty much guarantee
that all of you will graduate.

[♪]

Looks like she's been through
the wringer.

Let's just say
she's been around.

Are you sure
this is legal?

All's fair
in love and war.

What do you say,
Dickson?

Do you think
you can do it?

I'll need epoxy,
some foam rubber, a merkin

and a stiff drink.

[HORN HONKING]

Can I help you?

Yes, I'd like to see something
in a vacuum cleaner.

Is there any particular make
or model you're interested in?

I want something strong that
will really suck up the dirt.

Oh, well, if you want
something industrial,

we've got
this little item.

Uh-huh.

[TYPEWRITER CLACKS]

Are there two Ls
in "unconditionally"?

Yes.

And don't forget
"irrevocably."

[♪]

[SMOOCH]

[THUNDER RUMBLING]

You can't know how I've longed
for this moment.

[THUNDER RUMBLING]

Mary?

Oh, we had
a little something,

but warm-bodied women like Mary

don't really understand
the needs of a man like me.

Of course I'll be gentle.

Oh!

What is that delightful scent?

Is it Tiger of the Valley?

Ah! No, darling, don't move.

I can't wait any longer.

[THUNDER CRASHING]

[SIGHS]

[VACUUM CLEANER WHIRRS]

Oh! Oooh!

[ALL YELL]

You disgusting pervert!

Somebody get me
out of this thing!

Not till you sign this,
Casanova.

You better sign it,
Dr. Truscott,

or you'll be
singing soprano.

What is it?

Well, it's a statement
declaring

that all students
in the current class

graduate with
full honors.

And transferring
the ownership

of the Grimm Mortuary
and Academy to me

and my brother.

Are you behind this, Mary?

Every inch of the way.

It looks like you'll be having
a skid-row honeymoon

with Cathy
the cadaver.

Don't you dare
refer to her that way.

As for your paper, you...
[WHIRRING INTENSIFIES]

...can forget it.

I'm not signing anything.

Should I turn it up
from wood floors and linoleum

to shag and deep pile?

DON:
Let her rip!

[WHIRRING INTENSIFIES]
Ooooh! Whoo!

On second thought,
if anybody has a pen...

Would you like
to peruse it first?

Very funny.

Stop!
Turn this thing off!

Kill it, Abbott.

[GROANS]
[SQUELCH]

Somebody get me my robe.

JAMES: Why, certainly.
Oh!

[GROUP SNICKERS]

You people are sick!

Coming from you,
that's a compliment.

[SCOFFS]

I suppose you think
you're very smart,

strong-arming me this way.

Well, I'm happy to say
the joke's on you.

What do you mean?

This mortuary is on
the brink of bankruptcy.

When the creditors
foreclose next week,

you fellas
are gonna find yourself

the proud owner of
half a million dollars of debt.

No way.

I'm afraid he might
be telling the truth.

I'm going to take
a shower now.

And while I do,

I would appreciate it
very much

if someone would remove
that contraption

from my fiancée.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Good night.

MAN: If you people can't
make a substantial payment

within the next 48 hours,

the bank will be forced
to take over the mortuary

and sell it at auction.

Am I making myself clear?

Truscott's a real douchebag.

This isn't fair.
These aren't our debts.

These are the debts of the old
proprietor, Paul Truscott!

Mr. Harding, can't we have
a little more time?

This mortuary has had
more than enough time.

The bank has run out
of patience.

Excuse me for interrupting.

I just wanted to say goodbye
to the new owners.

Linda and I
are off to St. Thomas.

We'll send you a postcard.

Paul, she's perfect
for you.

But you know she'll last longer

if you keep her out of the sun.

Goodbye, everybody. You're in
good hands with Mr. Harding.

Charming man.

[SMOOCHES]
Au revoir!

What could we sell that could
generate that kind of money?

You could start
with some of the inventory,

the heavier pieces of equipment.

No, no. Then we couldn't
function as a mortuary.

There's got to be
a way out of this.

Excuse me,
I'm looking for

the head of the mortuary.

BOTH: That's me.

Hi, I'm Bernard Berkowitz,
manager of Radio Werewolf,

and I'd like to give my boys
the most fabulous funeral

money can buy.

Oh! How were you expecting to
pay for this fabulous funeral?

Well, frankly,
I'm broke.

Okay.

Welcome to the club.

But I thought possibly you guys
were Radio Werewolf fans.

Wait a minute, Mr. Berkowitz.
You said Radio Werewolf?

My boys,
God bless them.

Well, they're a musical group,
aren't they?

They were supposed to play

at a party my son
was invited to tomorrow.

The Biallystock bar mitzvah.

The greatest cash-drop gig
I ever negotiated in my life.

One million dollars
for two sets.

A million dollars?

SAM: Are you saying

that these guys
are getting paid

a million dollars
for playing a private party?

That's right.

Said he'd do
anything for that kid of his,

including hiring a band

to remind him
of his days in detox.

And now they're dead?

Oh, that is criminal.

You know, if those little shits
had lived two more days,

we'd all be rich.

Has anyone seen
Dickson anywhere?

I still can't get
Mouse's tail to work,

and it's driving me crazy.

Dickson!

Dickson.
Dickson.

He's probably in the workroom.

Tell him we want to
talk to him now.

Mr. Berkowitz,
were the Radio Werewolf guys

badly injured
in the accident?

You know, maimed?

Hardly a mark on 'em.

They were killed
by some stupid safety bag.

Bernie, now,
if it were possible--

Don't ask me how.

--to arrange them to play
tomorrow night for one set only

here at the mortuary,

can you still
get that million?

Are you out
of your mind?

Are you out of your mind?

I know it's a big job,
and you may not be up to it.

We need it
by tomorrow night.

Oh, please, Dickson,

you've got to do it!

No--
Dickson.

Just stop it!

SAM:
Dickson. Dickson!

DON:
No!

If you do it,
you'll save the mortuary.

DON:
No!

You'll be a hero!
DON: No!

You'll have a job
with us for life.

DON:
No!

We'll get you a girl.

DON:
No.

You'll make a lot of kids
very happy.

Okay, I'll do it.

But I ain't making
any promises.

♪ Hey, baby
Won't you take a chance? ♪

♪ Say that you'll let me
Have this dance ♪

♪ Let's dance ♪

♪ Let's dance ♪

♪ We'll do the shake, doo-wop
Let's do the samba too ♪

♪ Any ol' dance
That you wanna do ♪

♪ But let's dance ♪

♪ Hey, baby
Yeah, you thrill me so ♪

♪ Hold me tight
Don't you let me go ♪

♪ Let's dance ♪

♪ Let's dance ♪

♪ We'll do the twist
The stomp ♪

This is bitchen!

♪ Any ol' dance
That you wanna do ♪

Shalom, Mr. Berkowitz.

Hiya.

I've got to hand it
to you, Berkowitz.

Ernie Livkin is sitting at home,
eating his heart out.

His son didn't have anything
half this spectacular

for his bar mitzvah.

That's was a great hoax about
the band dying, Mr. Berkowitz.

Yeah, it got us
a lot of publicity.

That's the name
of the game, you know.

And a nice touch, having
the party in the mortuary.

Yeah. Yeah.

Well, come on.
Let's go in and check it out.

♪ Hey, baby
If you're all alone ♪

♪ Baby, you could let me
Walk you home ♪

♪ Let's dance ♪

♪ Let's dance ♪

♪ We'll do the shake, doo-wop
Let's do the samba too ♪

♪ Any ol' thing
That you wanna do ♪

Honey, please.

I couldn't help
but notice,

but you got some
big-ass motherfuckin' titties,

and I was just wondering
if a phone number were--

Look here.

I don't give
my telephone number

to no titty freak.

A titty freak?
I ain't no titty freak!

I'm a young, black,
rising entrepreneur,

and I just so happen to own
part of this mortuary.

What you got to say?
[LAUGHS POLITELY]

555-1860.

LARRY:
You are the most

beautiful girl I am
ever dancing with.

I thought you said
you were blind.

No, I am just trying
to learn English.

♪ Hey, baby
Got that swingin' right ♪

♪ Yes, I know
That this is the night ♪

♪ Let's dance ♪

♪ Let's dance ♪

♪ Because the twist is on... ♪

Mary, can I ask
you something?

Sure, Sam. What is it?

Well,

when we, uh,
you know, fucked,

did you do it just to make
Dr. Truscott jealous?

Yes.

But, Sam, I fixed your car
for you because I liked you.

And I didn't think of
Dr. Truscott when we, uh...

You know.

I know.

[BANGING & CRASHING]

Hold that kiss.

[ELECTRICITY WHIZZING]

Dickson,
what's going on?

I'm having a hard time
keeping them on their feet.

[POP]

I don't care if
they're kneeling.

The crowd on the other
side of that curtain

represents our future.

Standing or kneeling,

they've gotta be ready
in 15 minutes.

Don't worry,
they'll play fine.

[POP]

Oh, Dickson!

[SONG ENDS]

Okay, quiet, everybody.
Quiet, please.

I have an announcement to make.

[PEOPLE SHUSHING]

Radio Werewolf is splitting up.

CROWD:
Oh, no.

This will be their
last historic performance.

And we know it's gonna be
a concert to remember.

This is a boss party
you threw for your boy Barney.

Benny.

So, what's your
racket, anyway?

I buy, I sell.
What about you?

On parole, I'm doing
10 years at Vacaville

for a triple homicide
and some burglary.

I could use
a man like you.

Give me a call
tomorrow.

We'll have lunch.
Great.

Oh, sorry, man, the wine's
gotten me a little loaded.

It's okay, Abbott.
Don't worry about it.

BERNIE: Ladies and gentlemen,
put your hands together.

[CROWD CLAPPING]

You asked for it,

you paid for 'em.

And here they are,

the fabulous

Radio Werewolf!

[ORGAN PLAYING SPOOKY MELODY]

[CHEERING]

[WILD ROCK SONG PLAYING]

♪ Driving down
A desolate highway ♪

♪ Headlights burning red
Like a demon's eyes ♪

♪ There's a shadow
In your rearview mirror ♪

I've never heard
such an ugly noise.

Dad, this is
the happiest day of my life.

Money can buy
happiness, can't it?

And don't you forget it.

Hey, where's my wallet.

My wallet!

♪ Burning rubber on Route 915 ♪

♪ Turn on the ignition ♪

♪ With my skeleton key ♪

♪ Hear my 390
Throttle it, man ♪

♪ And she screeches out
At the cemetery ♪

Valerie,
whatever happens,

meet me on the roof
in a few minutes, okay?

I'll be there.

♪ She's not
An inanimate object ♪

♪ Why can't these fools see? ♪

♪ Fifty thousand miles
Of funerals ♪

♪ Have chartered this hearse
For eternity ♪

Fags.

♪ 'Cause I'm in love with... ♪

[♪]

I love you.

I love you too.

Shall we try a kiss?

Anything might happen.

What's life
without risk?

[MECHANICAL WHIRRING]

♪ So if you're driving
Down a desolate highway ♪

♪ Headlights burning red
Like a demon's eyes ♪

♪ You'll see a shadow
In your rearview mirror ♪

♪ Well, have no fear
It's just my baby and I ♪

♪ From her super-sized trunk
To her chrome-lined fins ♪

♪ Her glass packs roar 'cause
She's blowing in the wind ♪

♪ She's a hitchhiker's
Nightmare ♪

♪ A mortician's dream ♪

♪ I love my baby
But she knows who comes first ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm in love
With my 1960 ♪

♪ Cadillac hearse ♪

[DISTORTED]
♪ 1960... ♪

[ALL CHEERING]

[EXPLOSION]

[♪]

[HORN BELLOWS]

[HORN BELLOWS]

[♪]

[FLY BUZZING]

Mr. Truscott.

Captain.

I, um...

I can't help but notice
that your wife hasn't moved

for several hours.

That's one of the things
I love about her.

She's so quiet
and self-contained.

But she hasn't
talked to anyone

since the cruise began.

Intelligent women, like my wife,

usually don't speak unless
they have something to say.

Well, enjoy the cruise.

Thank you.

Mrs. Truscott,
is there anything I can do

to make you more comfortable?

[FLY BUZZING]

Mrs. Truscott?

Oh, my God.

She's dead!

Well, let's face it, captain.

Nobody's perfect.

[RAY LEMA'S
"MARAVOT (IYOLELA)" PLAYING]

[MAN SINGING JUBILANTLY
IN AFRICAN DIALECT]