Monster Island (2004) - full transcript

Six friends win a vacation to the Bermuda Triangle and become trapped with only an MTV Crew to help keep them alive. They have to rescue Carmen Electra escape while they all battle the monsters on Monster Island.

[ Monster roaring,
people screaming ]

I don't believe this!

Are you kidding me?

High school's pathetic enough
without this nonsense.

How the hell did I get here?

[ Doorbell ringing ]

Check it out,
Josh krueger! Guess what?

Your name was chosen
out of 500,000 entries.

You and your entire
senior class are going to party with Carmen Electra

on your own private island,
courtesy of mtv.

- Whoa, whoa, wait--
- no way! No way! We won the mtv contest!

[ Hysterical screaming ]

Scammed by own little sister
on live TV.

Entered me without even asking.

- She was dead.
- [ Screaming hysterically ]

Oh, my god! Oh, my god!
A shout-out to my girls Sandy, Patty, and Sue,

and all the hot guys
in the club,

and Justin Timberlake,
if you're watching.

I'm gonna kill you.

[ Screaming ]

[ ♪ ]

♪ Look at how fast
the young man grows up ♪

♪ nose up
ahead of the other ones... ♪

Let me just say this,

winning some massive
mtv contest

was the last thing I needed.

My girlfriend
had recently dumped me,

and I was in no shape
to be shipped off

to some island
in the middle of nowhere

to hang with Carmen Electra.

My class was psyched.

For them, this was
the ultimate school trip.

I just wanted to hurl myself
into the sea.

[ Whooping ]

The pack, pop music,

the whole party thing?

I was never really into it.

Add in,
my ex was along for the ride.

I don't think my life
could suck any worse.

Look, don't get me wrong.

It's not that I'm against
having a good time.

I just don't like being told
how and when to do it.

Now, thanks to my scheming
little sister,

I was hosting the kind of party

I would never even
be invited to.

I had no idea

how I was going to survive
all this joyful exuberance.

At least I had
my best friends with me

to keep me from losing my mind.

There's nothing I like better

than vacationing
with every jackass

who's ever tortured me.

I can't believe my stupid sister
would do this to me.

[ Giggling ]

It's just business, Josh.

Jen really wanted to win this.

You've got to respect
initiative like that.

You're blinded by lust, Andy.
Hitler had initiative.

The Republicans
have initiative.

Martha Stewart.


It's what you're initiating
that counts.

Remember that.

A blind man could see it--

my sister's the devil.

Send me to hell.

Yeah, and then you
totally run up to her,

and, oh, my god...

[ Fake giggling ]

Having a good time?

Ooh, bitter,
dark, sad joshy.

Fun bad. People bad.

Why don't you
try to relax?

Where'd you get the balls

to enter me in this
totally disgusting display

of corporate self-promotion?

Were you high?

I entered everyone I knew
over 18.

Who would complain but you?

This is my senior class.
You're a junior.

What the hell?

Principal havey loves me.

He put me on the vip list.

Don't you have any shame?

Don't you?

Sitting up in your room
brooding over maddy.

When are you gonna get over it?

This is your
senior year, Josh.

This is supposed to be
the good times.

Maybe even the best times.

Hit me on the head

and stuff me
in the crawl space

if these
are the best times.

Okay, forget
that this would be fun

for 99%
of the rest of the world,

and forget about how
all those people you hate

now think you're a hero
for winning this,

and consider...


This may be your
perfect chance--

maybe your only chance--

to win her back.

Yup. Maddy got herself

a brand new
action-hero boyfriend.

She thinks she's found someone
just as idealistic as she is.

I guess I just never
saw the point

in doing all the stuff
she wanted me to do.

I just wanted to be with her.

The circus closes this weekend.

You know how they treat
those animals.

We have to protest.

Can't I just write
a scathing letter?

You know what?

Forget it.

I need to be with someone
who's going to get off his ass

and do something
about the things he believes in,

not just sit around his house
spewing complaints.

You used to think my spew
was funny.

You are funny...

But it gets old.

Okay, tough crowd.

Must get new material.

Broader, more
physical stuff.

See, that...Wasn't funny.

Just take me home.


So I blew it,

and now she's with a guy

who thinks he's the next
president of the United States.

You know, as the next
generation of leaders,

we have
a responsibility.

Check this...

The estimated
rate of extinction

of plant
and animal species

in rainforest ecosystems
such as these

is in excess of 50,000
every year.

Hey, what's up,
party monster?

Are you okay?

You look
a little pale.

And we're losing roughly
140 species every day.

We really need to protect
what's left of our rainforests

and get the logging companies
out of there.

That's my girl.

Hey, you know how every time
there's a party like this,

there's always
that one idiot

who gets
a little too crazy

and ruins it
for everybody else?

I love being that idiot...


[ Monkey noises]

[ Clucking ]

Cut it out, man.

Remind me again

why we keep
company with him.

Fourth grade.

He took on
Jimmy Cushing, Eric King,

and both
their older brothers

while they were
kicking our asses.

[ Raving ]

He sprayed silly string
in their eyes and got his ass kicked, too.

It's the thought
that counts.

This is so cool.

I can't believe
I'm finally a v.J.

You're on a test deal.

Choke out here once, newbie,

and you're back to making coffee
and picking up dry-cleaning.

I'm not worried.

It's going to be a great gig.


I can't wait to get back
to trl in New York.

Oh, trl.

New York.

You think you can put in
the good word for me?

You got any money?

Oh, yeah.

Candy for monkey.

You know,
you wouldn't believe

the toxic waste
they put in this.

Definitely not fit
for human consumption.

Mm, not at all--

hey, krueger...

Good job
on the big win, man.

Thanks for having us
all along.

Hey, newsom,
pleasure's mine.

Dude, you got
a little chocolate

or something
on your lip there--

hey, what's your problem,
Mr. Pants, huh?

You want some monkey?

You want some
monkey, don't you?

I got it right
here. Right here.

Stack, it's cool,
I got this.

Go, monkey.

I'll catch you guys
later, all right?

Yeah, come
on, Andy.

Tango time.

I'm not ready
for this.

I do not

Can we not do
this whole cliche?

All right.

I'll catch up
with you later.

[ Kisses maddy ]

How can you prefer
to be with that phony piece of nonsense?

That haircut?

When are you
going to realize

that sarcasm
and disdain

is not an end
unto itself?

Well, it depends on
the quality of the remark,

don't you think?

No, I don't.

I already told you,

I don't want words,
I want action.

Well, how about

Check this one out.
It's my latest.


Chase newsom's not the answer.

Talk about posers.

Least you know where I stand.

[ Shrieking roar ]


Josh krueger...

Lil mindi.

Hey, you ready to meet
Carmen Electra?

Did you see that?

Don't you play me now.

You've got
backstage passes.

Did someone say
backstage passes?

You guys are clear.

Come on in,

but no
sudden movements.

where's my black fishnets?

Huh? Fishnets?

Yeah, they're in the trunk
behind the dressing table.

Oh. Hi.

What up, girl?

I got a fan of yours
over here.

So you're Josh.

You seem so familiar.


You didn't mail me a six-foot
nude sculpture of myself

made out of rubber cement?


No, I made mine
out of silly putty.

You're funny.

Oh, my god.

This is totally
the best.

I can't believe
I'm here with you.

Here, Josh,
take our picture.

Oh, my god, thank you.
You're so cool.

Aw, you're so sweet.
Thank you.

Thank you.

Carmen, you should decide
what you're wearing tonight.

I know.

I'm so out of it
before a show.

Um, would you guys help me pick?


Yeah. Come on.

Oh, my god.

I hate making decisions.

Oh, I know.
Me, too. Totally.

Do you like this one?

Oh, wow.

Oh, that's so nice.

You've got
a lot of decent stuff here.


Queens of the stone age...


All right.

Always been a rock girl.

Ramones were the best.

Joey was totally underrated
in his day.

Right on.

A man with taste.

You've seen
rock 'n' roll high school?

Own the DVD.

You know who I love?

Hillary duff.


Hair and wardrobe?

You guys, I have to
get ready, but, um...

Maybe after the show
we could hang out

and talk more about music.

Okay. Yeah.

Okay. Nice
to meet you.

Nice to meet you.




[ Crowd screaming ]

Remember, stay behind me.

Behind me.

What's up, y'all,
are y'all ready to get busy?

No doubt, no doubt.

Well, give a big island welcome
to the goddess of the tropics,

Miss Carmen Electra.

Check it out.

Hey, back it up, buddy.

Plant it
right there.

Stay right there.

[ ♪ ]

♪ Jungle fever ♪

♪ jungle love ♪

♪ temperature's rising ♪

♪ you got me burning
burning ♪

♪ burning up ♪

♪ and I can't control it ♪

♪ I'm in flames ♪

♪ it's a wild thing, baby ♪

♪ that can't be tamed ♪

♪ jungle fever ♪

♪ fire, fire ♪

♪ sweaty and sweet ♪

[ Boys screaming ]

♪ When we kiss ♪

♪ can you feel the
feel the ♪

♪ feel the heat ♪

♪ baby, baby ♪

♪ we got it bad... ♪


What's with our
boy over there?

♪ I said yeah, yeah
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah... ♪

He shouldn't
stand there.

I mean, he could

hearing damage,

or at the very least,

♪ Temperature's rising ♪

♪ got me burning ♪

♪ burning, burning hot ♪

♪ and I can't control it... ♪

You've got
to be kidding me.

♪ I'm in flames... ♪

Here's your
15 minutes, joshy.

Choke on it.

♪ Jungle fever ♪

[ Roaring ]

What's that?

Oh, my god, look.

[ Roaring ]


[ Screaming ]

Look out.

Eightball, no.

[ Screaming ]

[ Carmen screaming ]

[ Eightball screaming ]

Somebody help me.

This is bad.


This is awesome.

Come on.

Oh, for...

Worldwide service, my ass.

[ Boy sobbing ]

What are we
going to do?

Hey, it's okay.
It's okay. Hey.

Hey, come here.
It's okay. It's okay.

Chase has got you.

Come on.

Come on, let's buck up.

Let's buck up.
Okay, let's buck up.

Be a man here.
Let's go. Come on. Come on.


I knew it.

I doubted.
I should never doubt myself.


We're smack in the middle
of the Bermuda triangle.


Can we just go home?

What about Carmen?

Death sells, dude.

I mean, her video sales
are gonna be, like...

How do you know
she's dead?

You saw, Josh.

She's gone.

I thought you were
such a big fan.

Now you're ready
to sell her downriver?

For what?

For a 25-foot flying insect.

We should go after her.



I'm down.

I am totally down.

I want to meet that big buglet.

I admire
your bravery, Josh,

but this...
Seems a little foolish.

I mean, with the exception
of a summer at weeblo camp,

you have no wilderness training,

let alone search and rescue.

And that weeblo camp thing
wasn't even a whole summer.

We had to come pick you up.

Those fascists made me
paint my face

and make god's eyes.

[ Clapping ]

All right, young people,
listen up.

I'm, uh, I'm Bob staton,
producer of the show.

How you guys doing tonight?

[ Sobbing ]

All right.

Uh, we have an, uh, emergency
situation here,

so let me tell you
what's happening.

Uh, point one,

"due to unforeseen
indigenous animal activity,

Carmen Electra will not be able
to complete her performance."


But I assure you,

we're doing everything we can
to ensure her safe return, okay?

Uh, what exactly
is being done, Bob?

Please hold all questions.

Uh, point two--

[ electrical explosions ]

A tiny
electrical storm

has temporarily interfered
with communications,

which means that
for the time being,

we're cut off from the mainland.

[ Explosion ]

[ Gasping and muttering ]

[ Boy sobbing ]

Also, our ship's power's
gone a little funny,

so we're all going to have
to depend on each other, okay?

Right, so let's
stick together, people.

[ Chase clapping ]

You know,
I don't recall

electing ass-boy
"island leader."

I'm told by our captain

that once the navigational
equipment is up and running,

well, we'll be up and running.

So, uh, let's keep it real,


And please proceed
in an orderly fashion

back to the beach.

The, uh,
the launches are waiting.

Oh, a very special
surprise musical guest

will be waiting for you
on the party boat

to keep your spirits up.


Wait. Stop.


It's easy
to be there for a star

when they're on top
and number one,

but the real fans are there
in the times of trouble.

Lousy ratings,
falling record sales, rehab...

Abduction by flying insects.

I don't claim to have
any answers.

I'm not even always sure
what I believe.

I'm depressed...

I hate sports...

I'm trying to go vegan,
and, uh...

I'm considering
community college

until I figure out
what I want to do...

[ Snorting with laughter ]

But I do know one thing...

I'm going after Carmen.

Now, who's with me?

[ Cheering ]

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,

whoa, whoa.

Whoa. Whoa...

One second, there, chief.

If it is your
intention to stay here

and play hero,

there's something
you should know.

Something you all should know.

As it states

in your signed waivers...

"Staton productions
is not responsible

"for any bodily harm,
including death,

"dismemberment, etc.

During the filming of mtv's
tropical weekend getaway."

Plainly speaking,

you slip off a cliff,

fall into
a quicksand pit,

get eaten by a bug
the size of a Hummer...

It's not my problem,

and when the navigational
equipment is repaired,

my boat is leaving,


Or without you.

I'm out of here.

Seriously, dude,
I'm not gettin' killed for this.


Thanks for your support.

I'll take that
under advisement.


Some speech, loser.

Didn't know
you had it in you.


I don't really know
that I do.

Oh, yes,
you do, brother.

I mean, you just took
your first step

into a whole
new world.

A world of
unimaginable horror.

It's gonna be
so much fun.

You're such a big boy.

Yes, you are.

Okay, let's go,

I knew the location fee
for this place

was too good to be true.

Any news
on the surprise guest band?

That chopper should have landed
two hours ago.

We lost radio contact with them
right before the show, Bob.

They might have went down
in the storm.

Bad day to be famous.


You know, this is
supposed to be my big break.

Now I'll never get to host trl.

Are we still getting paid
for the whole gig?

Okay, okay, shut up.

This may look like a disaster,

but, actually, this could be
the greatest opportunity

any of us is ever gonna get.

Oh, god.

Screw mtv and their candy-ass
variety hour.


This...this is
high octane adventure.

Real life and death.

I'll sell it
to the highest bidder.

Where you going with this, Bob?

Don't you see?

If that pinhead kid
does find Carmen

and we capture that on tape,

we're made.

And what if he tanks?

Then it's
a heart-wrenching tale

of unfailing faith
and spirit,

like survivor.

Either way,
the footage will save our ass.

You down?

You kidding me?

I've been waiting my whole life
for something like this.



I just signed
a contract extension.

My job is safe.

I ain't going into any jungle
with y'all.

I'll do it.

Sure you will.

I'll get everything we need.

Smart girl.

All right.

Hijacked these
from the production.

No telling how long
the batteries'll hold, though.

Check the compass.

like a dreidel.

[ Distant thunderclap ]

Magnetic fluxes
like these

can last
up to 24 hours.

I wouldn't gamble

on having more time
than that.

I would also count

on highly unpredictable
weather patterns.


That bag...

When are you going to realize

there is time to go
to your locker between classes?

Come on--

ain't no lockers in the bush.

Yo, j-man.

What do you want?

Josh, I believe
in what you're doing.

I'd like to offer my support,

and we want to document
your journey.

Yeah, right.

Come on. It'll be fun.

I'll make you look fabulous,
I promise.


Attention, students.

The last launches are leaving
in five minutes.

Let's go,
let's go.

The last launches are leaving

in five minutes.

Come on, maddy,
let's go.

The boat's leaving without us.

Let's go.


I think we should stay.
I think...

I think we should help them.

It might be too late
for Carmen, baby.

But what if it's not?

There's always a reason
not to do something,

but when you have the chance,
you should act.

Josh, tell us

what's on your mind
right now.

How do you prepare
for a big mission like this...

Don't you think?

Yeah, right.

Yeah, absolutely.

Let's go.

Let's do this.

Dude, way to go.

You've rallied
the troops.

Well done,

but I think you'll all agree

that in order for this rescue
to succeed,

it's going to come down
to strategic planning.

My world.

[ Andy scoffs ]

You're unbelievable.

As an eagle scout,

I did my fair share
of search and rescue.

First thing,

we need to establish
a target zone.


The thing flew off
towards the big mountain.

That's where we're headed.

Yeah, that's exactly
what I was thinking.

Mountain's the rallying point.

All right, let's
lock and load, people.

Let's go.
Let's go.

We're on the move.

Hey, I got your
back, bro, okay?

I know you do.

But, look, just
between me and you,

your problem with maddy
and Mr. Pants, that's...

That's what's
really behind

this whole action
hero bit, right?

Partly, yeah.

Well, what's
the other part?



You really think you
got a chance with that?

Look, man,
to tell you the truth,

I have no idea

what I'm doing
right now.


Well, Josh.

That's the best
place to be.

Here. It's tape
number one.

It's the bit
with the thing.

You know, coming...

Just mark it,
like, "awesome"

or "amazing"
or something.

Hey, I really
admire you two.

You know, putting your
butts on the line

for posterity.

God, I think
it's so interesting

how crisis situations

bring out the hidden
strengths in people.

Subtle, Jen.

Agenda much?

Josh is all
over Carmen.

That's what this
is about for him.

Any luck with
that compass?


and to tell you
the truth,

I'm more than
a little nervous

about the imminent

of our only visual aid.

No kidding.

I thought the stars
would help,

but with this
thick canopy--

hey, kreuger, looks like you're
starting to drift off course.

Maybe we should compensate
for the downgrade?

Head over this way.

[ Jungle birds calling ]


Looks like
you compensated us

right into
a brick wall.

Look, shut up, you little punk.

Anyone who criticizes leadership
in a time of crisis

is not only counterproductive
but unpatriotic.

Did you get that off a plaque
in your daddy's office?

Did I get--

stop it.

He's right.

You're not helping.

How can you buy
this guy's shtick?

He's stumbling around
in the dark

just like the rest of us,

only he's dangerous 'cause
he won't admit when he's wrong.

Josh, you little--

hey, hey, hey.


I don't get it.

In two years, I could barely
get you to recycle,

and now all of this?

Okay, you got me?
Right here? Right here?

A few hours into the search
for Carmen Electra,

and tempers
are starting to flare.

You can literally feel

the strain and stress
on these young people.

How's that? Good? Yeah? Okay.

Let go of my jacket.

Kids? Kids?

Now, chimp-boy is here
to resolve all query.

So let's take
a little breather...

[ Exhales ]

A little time-out,

a little calm
and reverence

for the mountain

so that she might reveal
her gracious presence.

[ Grunting and straining ]

What's he doing?


[ Screaming ]



Oh, my god.



[ Whimpering slightly ]

Huh? What?

Oh, my god.
I can't believe you're alive.

What happened?

I don't know.


All I remember is that damn
flying cockroach grabbed me...

And then I was, like,
falling through the air,

and then I was in and out
of consciousness,

and I was hanging onto this tree

till sport, here,
grabbed a hold of my leg.

Thanks for breaking my fall.


this is eightball,

Carmen's bodyguard.

Oh, great.
He was a lot of help.

What the hell
are you talking about?

Where's Carmen?

The thing that grabbed you
grabbed her too.

You don't remember?

It carried her
up to the big mountain,

so that's where we're going.


She was my responsibility,

and I failed her.

So I'm on it, and I'm in.

So you lead the way.

Uh, I caught a glimpse
of the mountain

before the spill.

It's, uh,
over this way.

I think.

You carry that thing
in your shorts?


No holster?


How do you sit?

[ Whispering ]:
That's the discipline.


After you.


Eightball's coming.

I'll get you.

[ Lil mindi ]:
We've got to get

an interview
with that guy.

[ ♪ ]



I'm not harassing you,

but wouldn't a laptop
be more information

and less weight?

Well, yeah, less weight,
less tangible,

and especially
in situations like this,

I mean, useless.

Insane jungle
rescue missions

happen often
in your life?

I know this is
bordering on creepy,

but books actually make me
feel safe, you know?

They're a constant,

and, if need be,
a great place to hide.

I don't think
you're creepy.

I had no idea.

Jane Austen's
been my favorite

since fourth grade.

Well, who else
do you like?


Gabriel Garcia Marquez,

Judy Blume.

I just don't carry
them all around with me

everywhere I go. Duh.


[ Lil mindi]: So, chase, maddy,
tell us why you're here.

Well, we're happy to be
leading this rescue mission

for Carmen Electra,
right, honey?

I think my experience
as an eagle scout

has led me to...



So who dumped who?

She dumped me.

For that guy?

Lame as I am,

I can't
believe it myself.

Well, it's all
about the attitude.


So, what, now
you're into Carmen?

Well, we have a lot
in common, you know.

We share the same
music tastes.

She gave me this look.
I felt--

hey, look.

I watch guys fall in love
with Carmen every day.

That's 'cause she's so nice,

but you do realize

that nothing's ever
going to happen.

She's already found
her soul mate.

What do I know?

You know enough
to risk your life

and the lives of your friends
to save her.

That means something.

Buck up.


What is it?


it's a praying mantis.

[ Snarling ]

What's it praying for?

Little kids lost
in the woods?

Shh. Nobody move.

[ Roars ]


[ Screaming ]

Get out
of my way.

Go. Go. Go.

[ Roaring ]

Oh, god.

I don't believe this.

Keep moving, keep moving.

Did you get the shot?

Did you get it?

Yeah, I got it.

No. Stop.

Why are we

What's going on?

No stopping.

do something.

This way.

Come on.

Oh, my god, I'm gonna die.


Can a praying mantis swim?

I don't think so.

Then again,
neither can I.

Saddle up, partner,
we're going in.

No. There.

How did you--

forget it.
Everyone in the canoe.

Go. Go. Go.

Go. Go.

Get in. Let's go.
Let's go. Get in.

[ Jen screaming ]

Go. Go. Go.


[ Grumbles with disappointment ]

It can't swim.

You can't swim.

[ Roaring ]

You're a loser.

Not you, Andy.


Come on. Let's go.

[ Dry grass crackling ]

[ Gasps ]

Oh, hey, I was just, um...

[ Roaring ]

Just--just gonna go
powder my nose.

[ Roars ]

You know, most girls
are afraid of bugs,

but I'm not.

In fact,
I think you're kind of cute.

[ Roars ]

What do you say

I go slip into something
a little more comfortable?

[ Roars ]

Or not.

[ Andy ]: Two giant insects
varying in scale.

A dangerous pattern
could be emerging.

[ Josh ]: Meaning?

[ Andy ]: A 500-foot ladybug
could kill us at any minute.

Oh, yeah, this'll
totally work.

Use my earring
as a hook.

Trick or treat, kids.
Who's hungry?

That's all
you brought?

and nutty bars?

There's protein
in the peanut butter, Jen.

Hey, guys, no worries.

I'm on it.

I don't believe you.

I'll eat candy for dinner

before I gore out
a fish's innards with a hook

and then suffocate and burn it.

She's right, dude,
fishing hurts.

Oh, hon, fish feel no pain.

They're the dumbest things
on earth.

Chop, chop,

I need some help
with the wood.

Uh, duck, duck, goose.

You three, come on.

You should
eat something.

Totally vegan.

Not hungry.

Pretty neat trick back there
with the boat.

How'd you do that?

I don't know.

I had this...

It's like I've been here before.


That's new.

Chase give that to you?

Kind of earthy of him.

Don't talk to me about chase.


Hey, I got one!

[ Laughing ]

Survival of the fittest, baby!

[ Grunting ]


[ Choking ]

Get in there! Get in, get in.

[ Growling ]

It's hot. Yes!


Get that, get that!

Get that.

Zoom in! Zoom in on that!

[ Roars ]

[ Whimpers ]

Stop trying to kill us!

Enough already!


[ Moaning ]

'95 golden gloves, swamp monkey!

[ Grunting ]


[ Jen ]: Do something!

Maddy, look out!

[ Gasps ]


Give me
another tape!

Give me another tape!

Tape, tape.

[ Shrieking ]

Do you have any idea

what this is going
to do for us?

[ All screaming ]

[ Gunshot ]

[ Gun cocks ]


Bruce doesn't take kindly
to strangers, I'm afraid.

Bit tenacious in his bullying.

Thank you for your help.

Who are you?

Dr. Harryhausen,
department of atomic energy.

You kids shouldn't be
horsing around out here.

[ Jen ]: What
is this place?

Welcome to U.S. army outpost
xb27 minus.

It's a tad understaffed
these days, I'm sorry to say.

Watch those tripwires, kids.

I really should
pick up around here,

but damn if I'm not one of those
one-thing-at-a-time types.

The idea of washing dishes

whilst carrying on
a conversation

is totally beyond me.

Two, three, four...
You're quite a crowd.

It's awfully nice
to have company.

Are you kids hungry?

We're kind of
in a hurry.

Can you tell us
what's going on here?

Progress, my boy. Progress.

Look around you,
what do you see?

Clutter, mess,
dirty dishes in the sink.

What's the obsession
with dirty dishes?

It's what we are, really,

deep down...

A big, slimy, gooey mess.

You ever see a man splayed open,

looked deeply into his innards?

Not before this trip,
but go on.

Confusing, isn't it?

Not all organized,
cleaned and pressed properly.

First dishes,
now laundry?

Yeah, but, sir,

physicians have mapped
the human body.

I mean, there's method
behind the mechanics

and structure,

beneath all the blood and...


Doctors don't know anything.

My sister's
a doctor.

Oh, you should hear
some of the stories.

It's worse than
the food service industry.

The nature of things...

Is disorganized mess.

We waste our lives
developing perfumey deodorants

when b.O. Is what we are

by design,

but even here, in the jungle,

I can hear my mother's voice...

"Clean up your room, freak!

"Hey, freak!

Go down to the store and get me
my cough syrup and smokes!"

Tea, anyone?

[ Screaming ]

Get this thing
off of me!

Help! Help!

It was trying to eat my brain!

Bad Rudy!

Bad, bad, bad little Rudy!

[ Quacks ]

What the hell is that?

Predatory fungus

with a dash
of horseshoe crap.

[ Warbling ]

A mutated crossbreed?

Oh, just a mutt named Rudy,

but he wasn't trying
to eat your friend's brains out.

Little fella's in heat.

Good thing
orifice identification

isn't his strong point.

Oh... ew!


Such is the price
of arrogance, kids.

In 1967,
the army stole this land

from the mombata islanders,

who lived right here.

You won't find them
in any book.

A lost tribe,
a holdover from the stone age.

What happened?

We gave them some colored beads

and relocated them
for their own protection.

The tough ones
refused to be intimidated.

Strong warriors
these folks were.

Pioneers in the martial arts.

So the army left them
right here.

They believed

that their goddess,
queen mohatcha,

would protect them.

Alas, they were sorely mistaken.

Four h-bombs were detonated
in these waters.

I was among the team sent in
to investigate the effects

on the environment
and the wildlife.

Our findings...

Well, by now,
you know the results.

Yeah, horny
nuclear mutants.

Oh, it was a bad scene
for a while.

Considered, uh, checking out
more than once.


Figured if it got bad enough,

I'd bash this sucker
over my head

and see what's next.

I can think of
less painful ways

than blowing
yourself up.

Points for dramatic
effect, though.

Not quite time yet.

I still feel
that one must go through hell

to experience
the real value of heaven.

Anyway, it'll all be over soon.

What do you mean?

The end is near, kids.

This land is so polluted,
so sick with corruption,

it's in its death throes.


The island's going to sink.

Oh, my god,
you've got to be kidding!

What dumbass did
the location scout

for this thing?

Doctor, when?

When exactly
is the island going to sink?

Oh, it could be minutes,
it could be days.

If there's anything
I've learned

in this life,

it's that there's no such beast
as an exact science.

Anyone like a beer?

This is ridiculous.

Can you tell us the quickest way
to the big mountain?

The mountain?

Tell me what you know
about the mountain.

Only no one has dared
venture there for many years.

My entire team perished
on that rock.

It was not meant
for man to tread upon.

We have no choice.

Our friend is trapped up there.

If she's even
still alive.

I think
we should listen--

she lives.

She waits...

And she is not alone.

Are you
on something?

we're running out of time.

Please, if you know anything...

Cut through the greenhouse,

then a quick right
past the mass grave.

There's an old army road.

Thank you.

Do you want to come with us?

Thank you, child, no.

The jungle's my home.

I'll stay here with my babies.

[ Warbling ]

I owe them that.

I felt it.

You were chosen,
my dear.

Where you go,
there's hope.

[ Andy ]: Figuring
this magnetic blackout

lasts no more
than 24 hours,

I'd say that leaves us

with about eight left
to grab Carmen

and make it back
before the boat leaves.

[ Jen ]:
Not a lot of time.

[ Chase ]: It's definitely
not enough time.

I mean, you heard
what the quack said.

This place could
go down any sec.

I mean, I think we've done
all we can do here.

[ Lil mindi ]:

From a journalistic

we've captured
the whole story.

[ Chase ]: All we're
doing is wasting time.

Wait a minute.

Look, guys,
I don't know what's up there,

but whatever it is,
it's gonna be bad.

It's gonna be worse than bad,

Deadly, most likely.

Uh, pep talk going
a little astray, buddy.

Yeah, um...

What I'm trying to say is I...

I wouldn't blame anyone
for turning back.

Rightness lights our path.

Our cause
will deliver us.


The mountain waits.

We go.

Now, that's what
I'm talking about.

Let's get it on.


Hey, maddy,
what's up?

Look, I know things are
kind of weird right now,

but you're
freaking me out.

The problem
is not mine,

but yours.

Why are you
talking like that?

Even when you act,
you question.

No faith.

Look, Yoda,

you're the one
who picked 'fraidy-pants

to be your new
suitor, okay,

so you're not exactly

in any kind of
position to--


Not those.

My heart.

It beats with the rhythm
of the ancient drums.

The mountain beckons me,

its power increasing
with each step closer--

I feel, I feel.


The mountain is everything.


Here, let me help
you with that.


You're welcome.

Is everybody crazy
but me?

I mean, this is
crazy, right?

No. I know.

I mean, it'd
be different

if they knew what
they were doing.

You know, had
solid leadership?

Sort of puts things
in perspective, though,

you know?

Makes you realize
what's really important.

Heard that.


what can a lousy
television show mean

when so many lives
are at stake?

If I'm stuck here,

I'm going to damn sure
make it worth my while.

You know,
forget freakin' trl,

I'm going straight
to entertainment tonight.

let me do you the courtesy

of being frank.

Okay, I can't allow
that footage of me...

Back there with the fish-guy

to be seen by
millions of people.

I mean, it would ruin
my political career

before it even gets started.

I'm being groomed

to be a very important
political figure.

You're asking me
to deliberately alter the truth?

That goes against

every journalistic

cut the crap, okay?
I know who you are.

You're a shameless

I know that because
I'm exactly the same way,

and we both know

that success in this world
hinges on perception.

The truth?

It doesn't mean a damn thing.

Now, naturally,

I'm willing to discuss
adequate compensation for your help--

look. No amount of money
in the world's

going to make me part
with that footage.

What kind of pinhead
do you think I am?

My future is riding in this bag.

Your future's
your own damn business,

and if that's the sharpest
political maneuver you got,

you got a lot more
to worry about

than some lousy videotape.

Hey, man...

I'm sorry if I
hesitated back there.

Hey, that's cool.

You're just thinking
of your friends.

That's the mark
of a good leader.

Thanks, but..

I think it's more
that I was just scared.

Hey, we're all
scared, brother.

You know,

fear's the toughest
beast there is,

and it ain't
never licked.

All you can do

is keep
beating it back.

I sense something here.

What now?

Dude...bad vibes.


What do you think
made that?

[ Gasping ]

Could be mechanical.

When they were bulldozing
the road, maybe.

[ Monster roaring ]

We go.

Tarzan's right.

Let's move.


Just hold onto me.
It'll be okay.

It's coming.
Come on, maddy.

[ Eightball ]:
Come on. Run.

[ Maddy ]:
To the machine. Take shelter.

No way, not him again.

[ Roars questioningly ]

[ Roaring ]

Oh, my god, this is it.
This is it.

Get a hold
of yourself.

What the hell
is this?

They're fighting.
They're fighting.

I got 20 bucks
on the one on the left.

I don't think
it's a fight.

What are you
talking about?

Well, you see
the one on the left?

Well, I'm pretty sure
that one's a female.

[ Stack ]:
That's my girl.

And the one
on the right?

That one's
definitely male.

Definitely male.

So it's
get-busy time?

It's big busy.

I think
it's kind of romantic.

Now, I don't

It's just,
well, you see,

if the female behaves

like a normal-sized
praying mantis...

Oh, my god.

Wham, bam, thanks,
you dead.

[ Muttering ]

Um, krueger...

What should we
do now?

Stay here
and be still.

Maybe she's
had her fill

of ass-kicking

[ Rumbling ]

That's it.

Go. Go.


[ Cell phone rings ]

Are you kidding me?

Whose cell phone is that?


yeah. Oh, hey, Bob.

[ Bob staton ]:
What's up?

Are you nuts?


We've got some amazing
stuff here.

I think
you'll be very happy.

[ Roaring ]

You idiot.

Go. Go. Go.

Bob, I'll just get you to hold
for a second,

'cause I really
have to run.


Make way.

Move, move,
move, move, move.

Um, just wait a minute.

[ Roaring ]

What the hell
was that?

That was a giant praying mantis.

Did you get it on tape?

Of course I got it on tape.


Okay, look,
we're all back on the boat,

ready to set sail.

Tell us where you are.
We'll come and get you.

How the hell should I know?

Near the mountain somewhere.

Just get me the hell
out of here.

Okay, okay, just, um...

All right.

Looks like there's
a small stretch of beach

on the west side
of the mountain.

We'll circle around back
and meet you there, okay?

Guard the footage
with your life.

This way.

Let's go.

How the hell are we going
to get through that?


Go, go, go, go.

Where's eightball?

Where's eightball?

Josh, come on.

It's coming.

[ Jen ]: Josh,

cross over.




[ Roars ]

There you go!


Eightball in the corner pocket.


Josh, get going.


Come on.

[ Roars ]

[ Jen ]:
Eightball, look out.

[ Screaming ]

Get out.

Back. Go away.

Pick on someone your own size.

Leave me alone.

Oh, which one?

Leave him alone,
leave him alone.

Come on, eightball, get him.



You'd better start prayin' now.

[ Roars ]

Ooh, baby,
that's the way I like it.

Let's go, baby.

[ Yelling ]

Who's the big man now, huh?

[ Gasps ]


Keep going.

Get Carmen.

No, eightball,
come on, get him.


Come on, big mama.
Let's go for a ride.

[ Yelling ]


[ Crashing ]

He's gone.

Let's go.


Wh--where are we going?

We're gonna walk around
in circles until--

until giant maggots
squirm us to death,

or--or--or huge moths
rip up all our clothes,

or dung beetles
the size of--of--of cows

rip us to pieces
because they hate our freedom.

Why don't you
just shut up?

No, I won't shut up.

I'm done shutting up.
You're gonna listen to me now--


I sever all ties with you.

The foulest dung
of the lowest creature

holds a greater place
in my heart.

Speak to me no more.

The mountain is near.

One hour.

This way.

How do you know?

I know.

She knows.

Let's get moving.

No way.

"X" marks
the spot.

I almost
don't believe it.

That thing took her up top,
then disappeared.

Maybe there's some kind of
nest up there?



What do we got?

Bear mace?

Brass knuckles?

Nobody messes with Jen,
unless Jen wants to be messed.

Okay, well, besides
tomb raider, here,

the rest of us
are a little light.

We must be resourceful.

[ Whistles ]

Hiyah. Hiyah.


[ Imitates arrow whooshing ]

Let's do this.

Going somewhere?

Whoa, whoa, wait.

You don't want
to go out there alone.

Let me help.

Yeah, I'm sure

you're real concerned
for my safety.

Come on, I want to get
out of here, same as you.

It's an even trade.

You obviously know
the way out.

I got your back.


Come on, jackass.

This is strange


You mean
like a volcano?

I hope not.

Hey, you sure you know
where you're going?

Hey, look.

Shut up.

Let's go,
hustle, girl.

Shut up.

That producer guy
must be picking them up.

Good riddance.

Yeah, but you
don't believe

they'd leave
without us?

How much longer?

I think we're
getting close.

I can hear the ocean--


What the hell?

Well, well.

"So nice to see you..."

Said the spider
to the fly.

Get me the hell
out of here.

Oh, great.
Very good.

Mission accomplished.

Now, cut me loose.

You know,
I get anywhere near that stuff,

I'm going to be as stuck as you.

You weak chicken-ass.

Go get help. Get to the boat.

Where are they meeting us?

The beach against
the west face of the mountain.

Well, now we both know,
don't we?

I'm gonna make sure

they do a real nice
tribute piece on you.

How's that for
political maneuvering?

[ Hissing ]


Check it out.

Help me.

[ Lil mindi screaming ]

[ Crunching sound
ends screaming ]

Scratch one wannabe.

She had her priorities
completely misaligned.

Except for
her abs.

Stay focused.

We're running out of time.

Oh, wow...


What the hell
is this?

The beginning
of the end.

A volcano.
I knew it.

I don't know.

[ Liquid bubbling ]

Well, what's
happening, captain?

This is a piece of her dress.

She's here.

She's here.

And she may
be naked.

[ Whirring ]

[ Roaring ]

This is no volcano.


Oh, you want my candy?

You can't have
my candy.

No, you can't.

What? What?

[ Yelling ]

Okay. Okay, maybe you can
have a Kit Kat,

or a nutty bar or something.

[ Grumbles ]

Nice shooting.

Archery ribbon.

I guess weeblo camp
wasn't a total waste.

It looks like...

An ant.

A soldier ant.

This whole mountain
is one giant anthill.

But how could that be?

Whatever grabbed Carmen
has wings.

Ants don't fly.

There's one that does.

One indeed...

The queen has wings.

Highest marks, Andy.

What are you doing up here, doc?

I figured you kids
could use a hand.

[ Jen ]: Josh...

It smells like your shoes
down here.

Shut up.

All right, kids,
keep your eyes open.

Little help.

Doc, how many
more of those ants

do you think
are down here?

I would think.

Normally, yes,

but many years ago,

the army just
napalmed the hell

out of this hill,

exterminating almost
the entire colony.

My team and I
went in

with specially designed
gas guns

that were meant
to sterilize the survivors.

We completed our mission,

but not before
the surviving ants

had their revenge.

The queen herself
killed most of my men.

So it's
payback time.

She was understandably angry,

but, yes, I miss my colleagues.

[ Jen ]: Okay...

I'm officially
freaked out.

Turn off your lights.

We're in the main chamber.

[ Screeching ]

Regal, isn't she?

It's no wonder she still reigns.

Yeah, I'd do her.

If I was an ant.

I don't see Carmen.

Where is she?

[ Screeching ]

[ Screeching ]

[ Men chanting ]

Who are these guys?

Ah, yes...

The missing mombata tribe.

[ Harryhausen ]: The warriors
who refused to leave the island

those many years ago.

[ Grunting ]

Now, that's
a big banana.

What are they doing here?

Why are they in business
with the ants?

[ Roaring screech ]

[ Harryhausen ]:
They don't appear

to be partners
with the queen.

More like...


[ Moaning ]


Enslaved to do the work
of the colony.

But why would they
allow it?

There are only a few giant ants,
and so many of them.

They are oppressed...

Their souls weakened by bondage.

Now what?

[ Grunts ]



[ Sighs ]

[ Roars ]

They got a band, too.

♪ Jungle fever ♪

♪ jungle love ♪


♪ Temperature's rising ♪

[ Crowd grunting approval ]

♪ Got me burning ♪


♪ Burning up ♪

They like it.

Of course.

Even abducted
and abused,

Carmen's got it
going on.

That's why she got grabbed,
to keep the slaves happy.

♪ I'm in flames ♪

♪ it's a wild thing, baby
that can't be tamed ♪

♪ jungle fever ♪

[ Crowd grunting ]

My people are not themselves.

You're one to talk.

They worship a false god.

I have come to deliver them.

Indeed you have,

and you shall.

Go to your people.

Show them who you are.

Who is she?

Who are you?

I am mohatcha.

The physical incarnation
of their goddess queen.

Maddy, wait.

Let her go.

It's her destiny,

and it might be
just the edge you need

to save your friend.

Mohatcha Ben wadaah!

[ Screeching ]




[ Chanting ]:
Mohatcha. Mohatcha. Mohatcha.


Mohatcha. Mohatcha...

[ Roaring ]

[ Chanting continues ]

Mohatcha. Mohatcha. Mohatcha.

Mohatcha. Mohatcha.

Mohatcha. Mohatcha.
Mohatcha. Mohatcha.

Wa-beesa zumbadah.

[ Cheering ]

Mohatcha. Zumbadah.


[ Shouting war cries ]

The revolution
has started.

Go now,
while there's a diversion.

Jen, come with me.

Andy, stay with the doc
and look after maddy.

We're going
after Carmen.


Josh, I think
we should go--

[ screams ]

Oh, god.


Thank you.

Shut up.


So I'll--I'll call you, right?

[ Roaring ]

[ Screaming ]


[ Grunting ]

Mohatcha... our friend.

Our friend.

Mohatcha kahn-toocha?


Yes, maddy.

I mean, mohatcha...

With me.

You guys better get down there.

Help out your homies.

Go, go, go, go.



Yeah, me.

Weird, right?

Come on,
we've got to get out of here.

Let's go.

The end is upon us.

The island's


Okay, your highness?

Time to go.

Avacha Khan.

Avacha Khan.

Avacha Khan. Avacha Khan.

Hey. Hey, hey, hey.


Over here.

[ Ship's horn blowing ]

all hands...

Who the hell's that?

seismic activity detected.

Prepare for
immediate departure.

I don't see lil mindi anywhere.

[ Ship's horn blowing ]

for immediate departure.

So I'll write a book instead.

I got Carmen.


Which way is out?

Um, looks like someone's
watching way too much charmed.

Long story.
Doc, exit?

I know of
a ventilation shaft.

It's our quickest
escape route.

I have little mindi's bag.


[ Ship's horn blowing ]



Nobody abandons chase newsom.

Come on, let's go.

That's it,
there it is, come on.

A bit treacherous, I'm afraid.

Yeah, treacherous.

You made it.

Look, I just took on
a whole room full of ants.


So whatever's out there,

it's not as bad.

Let's go.

Oh, yeah.

[ Roaring ]

[ Yelling ]

Come on, guys. Let's go.

Do you like pets?

Yeah, I have two cats,
both rescues.

I've got another one for you.

[ Warbling ]

Keep him warm.

Sing to him at night.

He likes that.

maddy, go.


You're next, doc.

No, you run along.

I have something I have to do.

I owe a debt
to some old friends.

You're sure
you know what you're doing?

I'm sure.

Happy trails.

[ Screaming ]

Let's finish this,
shall we, my dear?

Here's your cough syrup
and smokes, ma.


Where's Dr. Harryhausen?

He didn't make it.

Where's the boat?

They left us.
I knew it.

How could they?

showbiz, baby.


That's so hardcore.

[ Explosion ]

[ Rumbling ]

We're definitely gonna die.

[ Screaming ]

Big trouble,
big trouble.

Oh, my god,
hold on to me.

Mohatcha. Mohatcha.

Wutchu banna zhan.

Banna zhan.

Hey, what's
with the loser?

What's going on?

My people have resettled
on a nearby atoll

where they will begin again.

Can they give us a ride?

Our destiny lies elsewhere.

We must
remain strong.

We must stay united.

Oh, I imagine
that concept comes easy to you,

seeing as how you are
a warrior goddess.

Prepare for our deliverance.

Mohatcha Ben wadaah.


Look, enough's enough.

If we're gonna die,

I want to get a few things
off my chest.

Mohatcha vahn wassah.

Maddy, you're the only person
I really care about

in the whole world.

Zahatcha pahn wahna bahtu.

Life's a crappy black hole
without you.

I'm a better person with you.

You've made me see so many
things that I've never seen.

Zutu pahna hatcha matcha.

Maddy, shut up.

Who the hell
do you think you are,

telling me to shut up?

[ Grunting ]

No, it's cool.
They used to go out.

You're back.


You are maddy again, right?

Yeah. Who else would I be?


I was going to wait
for the time to be right,

but I must tell you now...

I love you, Jen.

I've always loved you.

You're such a dork.

I'm in a rock band,
you know?

Sorry, I'm married.

Okay, burn it up.

Come on.

I am ready.

I'm ready...

I'm ready for the great

Come on, hit me.



Hit me again.

I am ready, and I am not afraid.


You guys hear that?


[ Shouting ]

Over here.

We're going
to make it.

You guys okay?

[ Screaming ]:
Oh, my god, it's Nick Carter.

Some gig, huh, carm?


What are you
doing here?

He was supposed to be
our surprise musical guest.

Yeah, but our instruments,
you know, they kept bugging out.

We got lost.

Bermuda triangle's
a spooky place, dude.

[ Squeals ]

Most spooky.

We can discuss
this in the air.

Let's go.

Let's go.

[ Warbling ]

Oh, look at you,
you cute little thing.

Isn't he cute?

[ Grunting ]

Yeah, we got some pretty big
gigs coming up.

A lot of major
label interest.

You can sign it,
"to Jen, love always",

and you can put
your phone number, too.

I don't believe it.

It felt
like a dream, but...

It's real.


You were something else
back there,

let me tell you.

You were pretty hot
with that machete.

But you made it happen.

You acted
when nobody else would.

I think I was curious
to see what would happen

if I actually did do something.

To tell you the truth,
I did it for you.

You know...

The aquarium is enslaving
a whole family of killer whales

for the summer tourist trade,

I'm there.

The last thing I want to do

is piss off
another water mammal.

Wait. Wait.

Right over here.

Hey, wait. Wait.


All right,
we got to keep it together.

Where there's a will,
there's a way.

Come on, chase.

Remember jfk.


Survived on coconuts.

So did Tom Hanks.

Come on, chase.

Where there's a will,
there's a way.

[ Monster chuckling ]

Nobody abandons
chase newsom.

[ Screaming ]

[ Mimics arrow whooshing ]

Mohatcha Ben wadaah.

I ain't going into any jungle
with y'all.

Are you guys okay?

The queen has wings.

Ah. Get out. Go away.

This is no volcano.

Hiyah. Hiyah.


[ Screaming ]

Worldwide service, my ass.

I'll do it.

I'll get everything we need.

Hey, are we still getting paid
for the whole gig?

I don't see lil mindi anywhere.

[ Screeching ]

[ Roaring ]

[ Roaring ]


[ Roars ]



[ Growls ]

Mohatch... mohatcha.

[ Hissing ]

Predatory fungus
with a dash of horseshoe crap.

[ Muttering ]

[ Warbles ]


You know, most girls
are afraid of bugs,

but I'm not.

In fact,
I think you're kind of cute.

All right, big boy.

God, I'm sorry.

Cut it,
right away.

[ ♪ ]

♪ Jungle fever ♪

♪ jungle love ♪

♪ temperature's rising ♪

♪ got me burning, burning ♪

♪ burning up ♪

♪ and I can't control it ♪

♪ I'm in flames ♪

♪ it's a wild thing, baby
that can't be tamed ♪

♪ jungle fever ♪

♪ fire, fire ♪

♪ sweaty and sweet ♪

♪ when we kiss ♪

♪ can you feel the
feel the ♪

♪ feel the heat ♪

♪ baby, baby ♪

♪ we got it bad ♪

♪ I said yeah, yeah
yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ jungle fever ♪

♪ jungle love ♪

♪ temperature's rising ♪

♪ got me burning, burning ♪

♪ burning up ♪

♪ and I can't control it ♪

♪ I'm in flames ♪

♪ it's a wild thing, baby
that can't be tamed ♪

♪ jungle fever ♪

♪ I said yeah, yeah
yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ jungle fever ♪

♪ jungle love ♪

♪ temperature's rising ♪

♪ got me burning, burning ♪

♪ burning up ♪

♪ and I can't control it ♪

♪ I'm in flames ♪

♪ it's a wild thing, baby
that can't be tamed ♪

♪ jungle fever ♪

♪ it's a wild thing, baby ♪

♪ it's a wild thing, yeah ♪

♪ it's a wild thing, baby ♪

♪ it's a wild thing, yeah ♪

[ Thunder rolling ]

[ Jungle noises ]