Monkey Business (1931) - full transcript
While stowing away on a ship to America, the boys get involuntarily pressed into service as toughs for a pair of feuding gangsters while trying desparately to evade the ship's crew. After arriving stateside, one of the gangsters kidnaps the other's daughter - and it's up to our unlikely heroes to save the day.
[Fast-paced lively
instrumental music]
[Fast-paced lively
instrumental music continues]
What is it?
Sorry to have to report...
there are four stowaways
in the forward hatch.
Stowaways? How do you know
there are four of them?
They were
singing Sweet Adeline.
Get them out of there,
you hear?
But we can't find them.
And besides,
they've been
writing insulting notes.
So, I'm an old goat, am I?
Listen to me.
Find them if you have
to clear out that whole hatch!
Yes, sir.
Captain, when do we get in?
Wednesday!
I beg your pardon. Wednesday.
Thank you.
GROUCHO:
[Singing] In all my dreams
STOWAWAYS:
[Singing] In all my dreams
GROUCHO: Your fair face beams
STOWAWAYS:
Your fair face beams
ALL: You're the idol
of my heart
Sweet Adeline
My Adeline
This is the only
way to travel, boys.
The only way.
I was gonna bring
the wife and kiddies...
but the grocer
couldn't spare another barrel.
I was gonna
bring my grandfather,
but there's no
room for his beard.
Why not send
for the old swine,
let his beard come later?
I sent for his beard.
You did?
It's coming by "hair" mail.
Fellas,
I think I hear someone.
If it's the captain,
I'm gonna have
a few words with him.
My hot water's been
cold for three days
and I haven't got
room to swing a cat.
In fact,
I haven't even got a cat.
My grandfather
can swing a cat.
He can?
That'd make
a good job for him.
GIBSON: Come on, men.
Someone's coming.
Come on, men. Snap it up.
Listen, fellas.
We've got to find
those stowaways.
And when we do,
we'll put them in irons.
Aye, aye, sir.
Take a look in
behind those cases.
You fellows,
look behind those boxes.
Never mind the barrels.
Aye, aye, sir.
What's that?
I just said "aye, aye, sir."
Never mind that.
Find those men.
Aye, aye, sir.
[Lids rattle]
[Horn tooting]
They're not here, sir.
Oh, yes, they are.
Hoist all this
stuff up on deck.
And get these
barrels out of the way.
Very well, sir.
Lower away up there.
Hurry up with that sling.
You'll never find
them standing around.
Yes, sir.
You look in back
of those bales.
You look in those boxes.
SAILOR: Yes, sir.
All right, boys.
Make it snappy up there!
GIBSON: Hey!
There they are!
CHICO: Hurry.
[Footsteps pattering]
[Horn tooting]
[Crowd chattering]
[Playing lively music]
[Crowd applauds]
You fellas, go aft.
You fellas, take a look
in behind those lifeboats.
[Woman exclaims in shock]
[Crowd
chattering indistinctly]
WOMAN: Captain,
tell us about the stowaways.
I'll have them in
the brig before long.
That's terribly romantic.
I'd love to meet a stowaway.
CAPTAIN: Hey, you.
Are these your gloves?
I found them in your trunk.
Go to your rooms.
I'll be down shortly.
Who are you?
Are you the floorwalker?
I want to
register a complaint.
What's the matter?
Matter enough.
You know who
sneaked into my stateroom
at 3:00 a. m.?
Who did that?
Nobody,
and that's my complaint.
I'm young.
I want gaiety,
laughter, ha-cha-cha.
I wanna dance.
[Singing] I wanna dance
till the cows come home
Just what
do you mean by this?
I don't like the way
you're running this boat.
Get in the backseat
and let your wife drive.
CAPTAIN: I've been captain
of this ship for 22 years.
Twenty-two years?
If you were a man,
you'd go in
business for yourself.
I know a fellow,
started last
year with a canoe.
He has more women than
you can shake a stick at,
if you enjoy that.
One more word,
and I'll throw you in irons.
You can't do it with irons.
It's a mashie shot.
It's a mashie shot if
the wind is against you.
If the wind isn't, I am.
How about those
barrels down below?
I wouldn't
put a pig in there.
See here, you--
Not even if you got
down on your knees.
And here's your gloves.
You would take them,
wouldn't you?
And keep away from my office.
Now, see here, you!
How dare you invade
the sanctity of
the captain's quarters?
I thought you
was the captain.
I'm hungry.
I'm gonna find
something to eat.
I'll take care of that.
Hello.
Send up the captain's lunch.
Two.
Send up his dinner, too.
Who am I?
I'm the captain.
You want to choose up sides?
Engineer, will you tell them
to stop the boat from rocking?
I'm gonna have lunch.
What's the matter with you?
What's the matter with me?
I'm hungry.
I didn't eat in three days.
Three days?
We've only been on
the boat two days.
I didn't eat yesterday...
I didn't eat today,
and I won't eat tomorrow.
That makes three days.
State your business.
I've got to
shiver my timbers.
I got no business.
I come up to see
the captain's bridge.
Captain's bridge? I'm sorry.
He always keeps
it in a glass...
while he's eating.
Would you like to
see where he sleeps?
I saw that. That's the bunk.
You're wasting your breath,
and that's no great loss.
A fine sailor you are.
You bet I'm a fine sailor.
You know,
my whole family was sailors?
My father was
partners with Columbus.
What do you think of that?
Your father and
Columbus were partners?
You bet.
Columbus has
been dead 400 years.
They told me
it was my father.
Hop up there,
and I'll show you
a few things you
don't know about history.
Now look. There's Columbus.
That's Columbus Circle.
Would you mind
getting up off that flypaper
and giving the flies a chance?
You're crazy.
Flies can't read papers.
Now, Columbus sailed
from Spain to India
looking for a shortcut.
You mean strawberry shortcut.
I don't know.
When I woke up,
there was the nurse
taking care of me.
What's the matter?
Couldn't the nurse
take care of herself?
You bet she could,
but I found it out too late.
Enough of this.
Let's get back to Columbus.
I'd rather get
back to the nurse.
So would I.
But Columbus was
sailing along on his vessel.
On his what?
Not on his what.
On his vessel.
Don't you know
what "vessel" is?
Sure. I can vessel.
[Chico whistling lively tune]
Do you suppose
I could buy back
my introduction to you?
Now,
one night Columbus' sailors
started a mutiny.
No mutinies at night.
They're in the afternoon.
You know, mutinies Wednesdays
and Saturdays.
There's my argument.
Restrict immigration.
[Gibson talking indistinctly]
All right.
Of all the colossal impudence!
Why don't you stand up?
Can't you see he has no chair?
Why, you--
You better keep quiet.
We're a couple of
big stockholders
in this company.
Stockholders?
You look like
a couple of stowaways to me.
Don't forget
that the stockholder
of yesteryear is
the stowaway of today.
Well,
you look exactly like them.
What do they look like?
One of them goes around
with a black moustache.
So do I. If I had my choice,
I'd go around
with a little blonde.
I said one goes around
with a black moustache.
You couldn't
expect a moustache
to go around by itself.
Don't you think a moustache
ever gets lonely, Captain?
Sure, it gets lonely.
When my grandfather's beard
gets here,
I'd like it to
meet your moustache.
I'll think it over.
I'll talk it over
with my moustache.
Has your grandfather's beard
got any money?
Money? Why,
it fell hair to a fortune.
Now, listen!
Stockholders or
no stockholders,
you clear out of here!
[Knock on door]
There's someone
in that room.
GROUCHO: There's
somebody in that closet,
and I think it's you, Captain.
Now, we can eat in peace.
All right.
Here's a piece for you.
That a baby.
[Knock on door]
Beg pardon, Captain.
How dare you enter
the captain's quarters...
while I'm eating.
Sorry, sir.
[Knocking on door]
[Groucho guffaws]
Now I've got you!
Don't forget the butter.
[Slow,
romantic instrumental music]
You know, there's some
mighty pretty
country around here.
I've--
I beg your pardon.
[Zeppo whistling softly]
Pardon me.
Is this yours?
Why, no.
You sure?
I'm positive.
Is this yours?
Yes, it is.
As I was saying, there's some
mighty beautiful
country around here.
The trees are lovely.
You bet they are.
I love them.
[Puppets chattering]
[Children cheering]
Get out of my way!
[Children continue
laughing and cheering]
[Harpo humming in
distorted voice]
[Harpo screams]
Gibson. Come out of there.
Yes, sir.
I want to report I found a--
Gibson,
you've been drinking again...
and you know
what my orders were.
But those stowaways,
I just caught one
of them in there.
Stowaway, huh?
Yes. There he is.
PUPPETEER: [In falsetto] Help!
Look out!
You're choking me!
I thought so.
Go to your quarters.
[Children laughing]
That's one now.
That's a dummy. Come with me.
[Children laughing]
First officer.
I'm telling you, that's him.
This has gone far enough.
Get up to your quarters.
[Captain screams]
Yes, sir.
[Children laughing]
Quiet.
I think you're right.
I know you're right.
[Puppeteer
shouting indistinctly]
[Harpo whistling upbeat tune]
[Horn tooting]
[Children cheering]
Would you like
anything before lunch?
Yes, breakfast.
Nobody eats in here.
I do.
Mustard's no good
without roast beef.
Do you want your
nails trimmed long?
About an hour and a half.
I got nothing to do.
You're
a nice-looking gal, all right.
You got it.
Thank you.
And you can keep it.
[Girl screams]
That's a nice gal?
Somebody's coming.
Come on, boys.
You're next, Cap.
I'm looking for
a couple of mugs.
No, you boys look on B Deck.
Aye, aye, sir.
How about a shave?
Sure. Give me a once-over.
Once-over, partner.
No, a shave.
CHICO: On the face.
All right.
Wake me up when
you get through.
We'll take care
of you, all right.
We take the tonsils last.
I think we work on
the moustache first.
Give him a little snoop.
This side's too long.
Give him a little
snoop this side.
Now this side
is too short.
It's too short.
The other side is
too long. Snoop him up.
That's better, but the side
that was too short
now is too long...
and the side that was
too long is too short.
I think you got to
give him one more snoop.
I think we better measure.
It's about a foot too much.
No, the measure's
a foot too much.
Now it looks much better.
It can stand one more
snoop in
the middle, I think.
In the middle, one snoop.
That's fine.
That's very good.
I think it's a little
bit rough right here.
I fix that.
You know, I'm never going
on this boat again.
The food is no good.
Of course,
I no eat yet, but even
if I don't eat,
I like the food good.
One more snoop.
That's beautiful?
That's what you
call a work of art.
Hey, you know,
I think you give him
one snoop too much.
Hey, you know,
I think you give him
one snoop too much.
And I want you to know,
I'm fed up on your alibis.
Take it easy.
You're getting all excited.
Now where do you
think you're going?
Never mind.
I'm running this racket.
Just stay here and
keep out of sight
like I told you.
No you don't.
Now, listen to me,
Mr. Alky Briggs.
You can't keep me
cooped up like this.
I've played second fiddle
on this ship long enough.
Now you listen.
I'm not after any dames.
I'm after Joe Helton,
I tell you, and
he can't get away
from me on this boat.
He's got to put
his okay on my gang,
or he's gonna get this.
Hey, who are you?
I'm the tailor.
That reminds me.
Where are my pants?
You've got them on.
Pardon me while I
step into the closet.
And get a load of this,
if you come in
again at 3:00 a. m.--
Stop bothering me.
Tell it to the tailor.
Alky!
Alky!
What are you
doing in there?
Nothing. Come on in.
You can't
stay in that closet.
can't, can I?
That's what they said
to Thomas Edison,
mighty inventor...
Thomas Lindbergh,
mighty flier,
and Thomas Shefsky,
mighty like a rose.
Just remember
that if there weren't
any closets, there
wouldn't be any hooks...
and if there weren't
any hooks,
there'd be no fish,
and that would suit me fine.
Don't try to hide.
I know you're
in that closet.
Did you see me
go in the closet?
No.
Am I in the closet now?
No.
Then how do you know
I was in the closet?
Your Honor, I rest my case.
Come here, brown eyes.
You're not gonna
get me off this bed.
I didn't know
you were a lawyer.
You're awfully
shy for a lawyer.
You bet I'm shy.
I'm a shyster lawyer.
Then what do you
think of an egg
that would give me--
You've been getting nothing
but dirty breaks.
We can clean and
tighten your brakes...
but you'll have to stay
in the garage all night.
I want excitement.
I want to ha-cha-cha-cha.
[Groucho playing upbeat music]
You don't realize it.
From the time he got
the marriage license,
I've led a dog's life.
Are you sure he
didn't get a dog's license?
Alky can't make a fool of me.
I want to go places.
I want to do things.
I want freedom, I want
liberty, I want justice!
[Groucho humming]
Madam, you're making history.
In fact, you're making me.
And I wish you'd keep
my hands to yourself.
You know what I want.
I want life, I want laughter,
I want gaiety.
I want to ha-cha-cha-cha.
[Groucho playing upbeat music]
Madam, before I
get through with you,
you will have
a clear case for divorce...
and so will my wife.
The first thing to do is
to arrange for a settlement.
You take the children,
your husband takes the house.
Junior burns the house,
you take
the insurance and I take you.
But I haven't
any children.
That's the trouble
with this country.
You haven't any children.
And as for me,
I'm going back in the closet
where men are empty overcoats.
LUCILLE: Brown eyes.
[Groucho exclaims]
[Upbeat instrumental music]
Sir, this is an outrage,
breaking into a man's home.
There'll be
a letter about this in
the Times tomorrow morning.
Yeah?
But you won't read it,
'cause I'm gonna
lay you out pretty.
You're gonna
lay me out pretty?
That's the thanks I get
for freeing
an innocent girl...
who, although she is hiding
at the moment...
has promised to become
the mother of her children.
And with that, sir,
I bid you a fond farewell.
Good day, sir.
Good day.
Come out of there.
I want to talk to you.
I'm sorry, but we're using
the old-fashioned iceman...
and we find him
very satisfactory
for keeping the house warm.
Just as I thought,
you're yellow,
grabbing at a woman's skirts.
I'm wise.
You're wise?
What's
the capital of Nebraska?
What's the capital
of the Chase National Bank?
Give up?
Now,
I'll try you on an easy one.
How many
Frenchmen can't be wrong?
I know--
You were warm
and so was she.
Don't be discouraged.
With a little study
you'll go a long way.
And I'd wish you'd start now.
Do you see this gat?
Cute, isn't it?
Santa Claus bring it
for Christmas?
I got a fire engine.
Listen, mug.
Do you know who I am?
Don't tell me.
Are you animal or vegetable?
Animal.
Get this. I'm Alky Briggs.
And I'm the fellow
who talks so much.
Fancy meeting you here
after all these drinks.
Wait a minute.
Sorry, I can't stay.
The captain's
waiting to chase me.
You can stay, all right,
until I finish with you.
Alky, darling, please!
Don't "darling" me.
Get in that next
room and stay there!
Get in that next room.
I'm not good
enough for her, am I?
Is there anything
you've got to say
before I drill you?
Yes, I'd like to
ask you one question.
Go ahead.
Do you think that
girls think less of a boy
if he lets himself be kissed?
Don't you think that although
girls go out
with boys like me...
they always
marry the other kind?
If you're gonna
kill me, hurry up.
I have to take
my tonic at 2:00.
I can use a guy
with your nerve.
I think we could get
along well together.
Of course,
the first year we might have
our little squabbles.
But, then, that's inevitable,
don't you think?
And what do you want here?
I was just looking for him.
Do you know this guy?
I've known him for years.
He used to live in
the next barrel to me.
I see. The stowaways.
I can help you bozos.
Mr. Bozos to you.
All right, Mr. Bozo.
And you can help me.
I'm shorthanded,
and I want to get
a guy on this boat.
It's too late to
get him on now.
Should've said so
before we sailed.
Listen.
This is a map of B Deck.
There's Joe
Helton's stateroom.
And he's a tough egg.
And you're coming with me...
while I have it out with Joe.
Do you know who Joe Helton is?
I think I'll get off this boat
until this blows over.
If you know
what's good for you,
you'll stick with me.
You keep the windows covered
while I go in. Now, move!
[Children chattering]
[Horn tooting]
[Harpo whistling]
[Frog croaking]
[Harpo whistling a soft tune]
What is the idea of this?
It's all right.
I make a move for you.
This is an outrage!
I'll call the captain!
The captain don't play chess.
Purser!
Steward! Come here.
Too much noise here for us.
We better go
someplace where it's quiet.
[Knock on door]
Come in.
Your cigars, sir.
Thanks.
Wait a minute.
Thank you, sir.
Dad, now look at you.
You aren't even dressed yet.
You can do all the dressing
for the family, Mary.
Old Joe Helton is
taking things easy
for the rest of his life.
We're big shots now, baby.
[Knock on door]
Come in.
Hello, Joe.
Hello, Briggs.
What do you want?
I just wanted to
have a friendly talk.
I'm sort of
worried about business.
Step in the
other room, baby.
But, Dad--
Run along, honey.
Your kid?
She's cute, isn't she?
I don't think
we've got anything
to talk about. Get out.
Not before I get
your okay on my gang.
I'm not doing you
any favors.
Yes, you are.
You're gonna sign this.
[Dog barking]
I'm taking over
your territory,
or there's gonna be trouble.
I'm taking no sides.
You'll have to fight it out
with Butch and the gang.
I'm stepping into
your shoes as boss.
I'm not backing up any
small-time chiseller.
ALKY: Don't put on
the Ritz with me.
JOE: Don't get
cocky with me, Briggs.
ALKY: I'm talking turkey.
You can't make all the dough
and then run out on your pals.
I'm not taking orders
from a mug like you!
Scram!
So that's your answer?
Here's mine!
[Horn tooting]
So you got your gang with you?
I'll get you later.
Who are you guys?
What are you doing
in my room?
That's my partner,
but he no speak.
He's dumb and deaf.
[Horn tooting]
[Joe chuckles]
You guys don't know it,
but you just scared
a pretty tough egg
out of this room.
Sure,
we're a couple of tough guys.
Do you want to
make some money?
Money?
[Chico guffaws]
Money? Feel this muscle.
Feel his muscle.
All right.
How much you pay?
Just how tough are you?
You pay little bit,
we're little bit tough.
You pay very much,
very much tough.
You pay too much,
we're too much tough.
How much you pay?
I pay plenty.
Then we're plenty tough.
And we show you, too.
Partner,
show him how tough we are.
See?
That's nothing. That's free.
Now we give you
the real stuff this time.
Come on.
Put some pep in it.
The one-two uppercut.
You know, on the button.
No downstairs button.
Upstairs button.
That's fine.
That's good, all right.
I tell him you're tough,
and you punch
like a lily. What's a matter?
You wanna lose this job?
Give him the stuff this time.
Excuse me, boss.
He can do much better...
but he no work good today.
He no get paid.
When he get paid,
you watch him.
Come on. This time
we give him the works.
Come on. Hurry up.
On the button this time.
Come on, I tell you.
On the button.
Hurry up.
Give me the punch.
Come on.
All right.
Come on! Punch!
[Frog croaking]
That's enough. Wait.
What do you think of us?
You're great.
Not so loud.
You want him to
get a swell head?
You guys are
plenty tough, all right.
I'm spying on you.
You're just the fellows
I need. You're hired.
We're great, huh?
You're great.
My partner?
He's great.
My grandfather's great.
He's a great-grandfather.
When Helton comes out
of his room, plug him.
What'll we plug him with?
Didn't I give you two gats?
We had to drown the gat,
but we saved you
a little black gitten.
Here, take these,
and hang onto them now.
Don't leave me for a minute.
And keep your eye on that guy
that just went out of here.
You understand.
Anybody come near the boss,
let him have it.
You're all right
now, boss.
Anybody comes near you... .
What's a matter with you?
Look out.
That's all right.
He was just practicing.
Get out.
Now I can take
a walk out on deck
and feel safe.
Come on. Let's go.
There he comes now. Get him.
Don't worry. We'll get him.
I've got my
finger on the trigger.
Hey, don't forget.
Anybody comes near the boss,
let him have it.
[Chico laughs]
It's the boss.
He's got a disguise.
Take off the whiskers.
We know you.
[Screams] What do you mean?
Officer!
Why didn't you get him?
Not afraid, are you?
Afraid? Me?
A man who's
licked his weight...
in wild caterpillars? Afraid?
You bet I'm afraid.
So--
Hello.
How are things in the closet?
You know,
I still smell of mothballs.
I don't want to talk to you.
[Groucho humming
dramatic dance music]
So here you are,
loafing around
with these tramps.
I came down to see Joe Helton.
Don't you think
we'd better go?
What?
And leave this woman alone
with her husband?
Suppose her
sweetheart came in.
Alky Briggs,
don't think you can keep me
cooped up in that stateroom.
Because you're crazy!
You'll stay down there
and keep out of my business.
Do you understand?
Keep out of my business.
Your turn.
You were going to
show me a good time.
A good time!
I might as well
have stayed home
and played solitaire!
Your turn.
Pipe down.
I've more important things
than you to worry about.
Your turn.
You say that
again and I'll scratch
your eyes out!
You take this gun.
You're gonna need
it more than I will.
Oh, you!
[Woman screams]
Just the man I wanna see.
If I show you
how to save 20%...
would you be interested?
Of course you would.
First,
your overhead is too high
and your brow is too low.
Interested already,
aren't you?
Wait till I get through.
I haven't got time.
Two fellows are
trying to attack you...
and two fellows are
trying to defend you.
Now, that's 50% waste.
Why can't you be attacked
by your bodyguards?
Your life will be saved,
and that's 100% waste.
Now what have you got?
Me, and I'll
attack you for nothing.
What are you getting at?
I anticipated that.
How does an army travel?
On its stomach.
And you? On a ship.
Of course,
you're saving your stomach.
The same common sense--
I don't think you realize--
I realize it's
a penny here and there,
but look at me.
I've worked
myself up from nothing
to extreme poverty.
What do you say?
I'll tell you what I say--
Then it's all settled.
I'm to be your new bodyguard.
In case I attack you...
I'll be there to
defend you, too.
When you want to be attacked,
I'll defend you
10 minutes later.
I've already got
two bodyguards,
but I'll think it over.
[Harpo whistling a soft tune]
Thank you.
You're welcome.
What's the matter with you?
I've got a frog in my throat.
What?
A frog in my throat.
You've got
a frog in your throat.
Yes.
You can't do that
to my customers!
Cut it out!
Say,
what's the matter with you?
Are you crazy or something?
[Frog croaking]
[Harpo whistling for frog]
[Ship's horn blowing]
[Ship's horn blowing]
Have your landing cards
and passports ready, please.
How do you do,
Madame Swempski?
Hello, boys.
Any statement for the press?
No, I'm afraid not.
Nothing of
interest on this tour.
Is it true
the opera is on the decline
in Central Europe?
Absurd.
I predict they're going to
have the greatest year
they've ever had.
Is it true that
you're gonna get
married again
while on this tour?
Gentlemen,
I don't know what to say.
Gentlemen, I'd say just this.
The bicycle will
never replace the horse.
But,
the horse will never replace
the bicycle...
which is quite a horse on
the bicycle if I ever saw one,
and I never did.
I dare you to print that,
you muckrakers.
Have a cigar, babe.
Okay for the picture, Joe.
Pictures?
Here's a little sex stuff
for your front page.
Now, hold it steady, please.
[Horn tooting]
You can say it was
a real love match.
We married for money.
Eh, my shrinking violet?
It won't hurt you to
shrink 30 or 40 pounds.
You impudent cad!
I'll report you to your paper.
Let me do the reporting.
Is it true you'll
get a divorce as soon
as your husband
recovers his sight?
Is it true you wash
your hair in clam broth?
Is it true you
danced in a flea circus?
This is outrageous!
If you don't stop,
I'll call the captain.
So that's it.
Infatuated with
a pretty uniform.
We don't count.
We gave you our best years,
now you want an officer.
I don't like this innuendo.
That's what I always say,
love flies out the door
when
money comes innuendo.
Good-bye.
It's nice to have seen you,
but I've got nobody
to blame but myself.
REPORTER: Could you tell me--
SWEMPSKI: Please... .
You're awfully glum.
I was just thinking,
after the boat lands,
I may never see you again.
Does it matter to you
whether you ever see me again?
I can't think of
anything in the world
that matters more.
Mary, I'll never leave you.
[Soft romantic
instrumental music]
SAILOR: Tag.
Tag.
Wait a minute!
I'm just trying to
sneak off the boat,
that's all.
I'm looking for
the man who owns... .
Where's your passport?
GROUCHO: Wait a minute.
Let me handle this.
I don't like to
speak about it,
Officer, but I happen to be...
a good friend of
the meat supplier
to this boat.
Well?
Well, do you like lamb chops?
Yes, what of it?
This man doesn't
handle lamb chops.
But the roast beef
is very good today.
You fellows can't
get off the boat
without showing passports.
Get on back there at
the end of the line and
get your passports open.
Go on.
Get back there.
Stuffed shirt.
When he said that to me...
you could've knocked me over
with a feather.
He gives you service.
[Thudding]
It looks like
we're up against it.
It's up to you to
get us a passport.
I got you, didn't I?
Well, you'll have to get up
pretty early in the morning
to steal from me.
He did get up early this
morning, but you weren't
here. Perhaps tomorrow?
Well, come on.
Let's try another one.
What's the idea,
putting your
hand in my pocket?
Just a little mistake.
I had a suit that
looked just like that
and I thought
those were my pants.
How could they be yours,
when I've got them on?
This suit had
two pairs of pants.
Better keep your
hands to yourself.
Do you know
who's on this boat?
Maurice Chevalier,
the movie actor.
I just ran into him.
Did you hurt him?
How do you know
it was Chevalier?
I got his
passport right there.
Now he can't get off the boat.
Hey, he looks like Chevalier.
And I can look like Chevalier.
I certainly look
like Chevalier.
But that's not enough.
You have to sing his song
to get off this boat.
[Singing] If a nightingale
could sing like you
They'd sing much
better than you do
Dandy. Sing like that,
they'll throw us
all off the boat.
Well, let's try it.
All right. Come on.
Have your passports ready.
Straight out...
you'll find
the baggage on the deck.
Have your passports ready.
Keep in line, everybody. 945.
Keep in line, everybody.
Have your passports ready.
1092.
[All talking indistinctly]
INSPECTOR: Never mind.
Hey, if you want to
get off the boat...
get in the back.
Oh, I didn't get on
in the back.
I got on in the front.
Never mind that.
Leave them alone.
You're right...
I told them to stay in line.
Yeah? Show me your passport.
Yeah, right here.
That's my name.
Maurice Chevalier?
Yeah.
This picture
doesn't look like you.
Sure, I'm Maurice Chevalier.
I'll sing for you.
[Singing] If a nightingale
could sing like you
They'd sing much
better than they do
Here, never mind that.
Get back in line
where you belong.
I was ahead of you!
INSPECTOR:
Your passport.
Let me have your passport.
This picture
doesn't look like you.
It don't look like
me from the front,
but go in the back of
the boat, just like me.
You're not
Maurice Chevalier.
No.
Are you Maurice Chevalier?
Well, there you are.
Wait. I prove it.
[Singing] If a nightingale
could sing like you
He sing much
better than you do and
Out!
No push me!
Get out of here!
Get back in line
where you belong.
Passport!
This picture
doesn't look like you.
It doesn't look
like you either.
This man has no moustache.
The barbershop wasn't open.
Why, look at that face.
Well, look at that face.
Hey, are you going to identify
yourself, or else--
[Singing] If a nightingale
could sing like you
They'd sing much
sweeter than they do
For you brought
a new kind of love to me
Out! Back in line
where you belong!
OFFICER 1: Get off there!
OFFICER 2: Get off the table!
OFFICER 1: What do
you think this is here?
Put that down!
OFFICER 2: Lunatic!
OFFICER 1: Stop that!
OFFICER 2:
You want to break that?
OFFICER 3:
Here, let it alone!
Passport. I said passport,
not pasteboard.
Come on with that passport!
Not washboard!
Passport!
INSPECTOR: Chevalier?
[Lip-synching]
If a nightingale
could sing like you
They'd sing much
sweeter than they do
For you brought
a new kind of love to me
[Record garbling]
And if the sandman brought me
dreams of you
I'd want to dream
my whole life through
For you brought
a new kind of love to me
INSPECTOR:
Get him out of here!
Put him back there
where he belongs!
Take it easy, folks.
The gangplank is
to the left, please.
Don't crowd. Don't crowd.
Take your time. Ladies first.
Let me off the boat.
I'm a sick man.
I feel faint.
I don't care, take your time.
I tell you, I feel faint.
I'm going to faint.
SWEMPSKI:
Someone get a doctor!
MAN: Somebody fainted.
Where's a doctor?
A doctor! I want a doctor!
She's sick.
We'll take care of you.
Look, she's got a chill,
cover her up.
No, get off. Take her pulse.
No purse, put it back. Pulse.
I think you best
take her temperature.
That's good,
we'll take care of you, lady.
All right.
You fools,
I'm not the patient.
We're not the doctor.
Come on.
Doctor! Is there
a doctor on the boat?
Doctor!
Are you a doctor?
Sure, I'm a doctor.
Where's the horse?
A man fainted over here.
Man fainted?
I'll soon fix him.
Just my hard luck it
couldn't be a woman.
MAN: Here's the doctor.
Just as I thought,
smoking too much.
Here he is here, Doctor.
Don't tell me.
I'll find him myself.
[People murmuring]
I can't do
anything for that man.
He's fainted.
What he needs is
an ocean voyage.
In the meantime,
get him off the boat
and have his baggage examined.
MAN: Gangway!
You all get close
so he won't recover.
Right this way, please.
Step right around here.
OFFICER:
Step lively down there.
Back that ambulance in here!
[Women exclaim in surprise]
Hey!
Helton's throwing
his party tonight,
and this time we
blow the works.
Now, you guys are
going in as musicians.
And stay that way until
I give you the office.
Say,
what about those four guys
in the house?
The ones you said
were on the boat.
Don't worry about them.
They eat out of my hand.
The thing for you to
worry about is that girl.
Keep your eye on her. Get me?
That ought be easy to take.
Okay.
Sit tight and
I'll give you a call.
[Band playing upbeat music]
Have you guys
got an invitation?
We give you
invitation of Chevalier.
[Singing] When the nightingale
sings like you
Cut it out! And stay away
from this door, see?
ZEPPO: Mary?
You certainly had me worried.
I thought you'd
forgotten your own party.
You haven't been
doing all the worrying.
I was afraid
you wouldn't come.
My, but, there are
a lot of
strange-looking people here.
[Band continues
playing upbeat music]
Ladies and gentlemen!
Quiet, everybody.
A lady's diamond
earring has been lost.
It looks exactly like this.
In fact, this is it.
I beg your pardon!
How about you
and I passing out
on the veranda?
Or would you
rather pass out here?
Sir, you have
the advantage of me.
Not yet, but wait
till I get you outside.
You're pretty fresh,
aren't you?
That's my wife and
I don't like the way
you're acting here.
If you don't like our country,
go back where you came from.
I should sink that
right in your scalp.
Run for your life!
The Indians are coming!
What?
Put your scalp in
your pocket. Here.
The Indians.
[Groucho whooping]
Come here.
I'll get him.
[Groucho whooping]
Have a good time, kid.
This is going to
be a real party.
Is this a party?
The beer is warm,
the women are cold...
and I'm hot under the collar.
In fact, a more
poisonous little barbecue
I've never attended.
You're a funny kind of
a duck, but I like you.
You stuck by me,
and I'll stick by you.
Sheriff, I ain't much
on flowery sentiments...
but there's something
I just got to tell you.
Shucks, man, I'd be nothing
but a poisonous varmint...
and not fit to touch
the hem of your pants...
if I didn't tell you
you've treated me square,
mighty square...
and I ain't forgetting.
Sheriff, I ain't forgetting.
[Groucho imitating
a horse neighing]
GROUCHO: Whoa, there, Bossie.
Whoa, there!
[Groucho imitating
horse hooves clattering]
[Guests applauding]
My friends,
this is indeed a surprise.
You couldn't have
pleased me better.
I want you to meet
the sweetest little thing
in the whole wide world.
[Guests applauding]
[Dramatic instrumental music]
[Horn tooting]
Hey.
Yes, sir?
No, it's special for
Mr. Helton, sir.
You see this?
Come back in a half hour,
and I'll give you
another look at it.
Listen.
Keep your eye on Helton.
We're gonna grab his daughter
and take her to the old barn.
Old barn?
A fine tinhorn sport you are.
With all
the good shows in town,
taking a girl to an old barn!
Once we get
a hold of that girl,
he'll take orders from me.
I'll show him--
Enough small talk.
Where's your wife, Lucille?
Would you... .
Someone's coming.
I'll be back.
Be back next Thursday,
and bring a specimen
of your handwriting.
And, above all, don't worry.
[Imitating cat meowing]
What brought you here?
It's midsummer madness.
The music is in my temples...
the hot blood of youth.
Come, Kapellmeister.
Let the violas throb.
My regiment leaves at dawn.
[Slow-paced lively
instrumental music]
I guess my regiment
can go without me.
No, don't,
my husband might be inside.
If he finds me out here,
he'll wallop me.
Always thinking
of your husband.
Couldn't I wallop
you just as well?
I heard Alky
talking about this party.
I've dreamed of a night
like this, I tell you.
You tell me about
some of your dreams.
Dreams?
I can't even sleep anymore,
wondering who he's
chasing around with.
Why can't we break
away from all this,
just you and I...
and lodge with my
fleas in the hills?
I mean, flee to my
lodge in the hills.
No, I couldn't think of it.
Don't be afraid.
You can join this
lodge for a few pennies.
You won't even have to take
a physical examination...
unless you insist on one.
What a swell
home life I've got.
Why, I think I'd
almost marry you
to spite that
double-crossing crook.
Mrs. Briggs...
I've known and respected your
husband Alky for many years...
and what's good enough for him
is good enough for me.
Emily!
Henry, carefully,
somebody may see us.
I've been careful too long.
Now that you've brought it up,
how long have
you been careful?
They saw us!
Be calm, Emily.
I'll talk to them.
You won't say
anything about this?
Sir,
are you trying to offer me
a bribe? How much?
But you don't understand.
You see, I'm not
happy with my husband.
He should've married
some little housewife.
Madam, I resent that.
Some of my best
friends are housewives.
[Clears throat]
Now, see here,
if you're going to--
You're living in
a fool's paradise.
You intend to spend $10 to buy
this woman a ring?
Look at this.
It's solid brass and
$1.50 takes it away.
I know it'll fit her.
I got it from
the nose of a savage.
Well? $1.50.
You can have it for $1.
Fifty cents and
not a nickel under.
Now, my friends,
what am I offered for
this fine French
piece of bric-a-brac?
I know what it
is to be unhappy.
How do you think I feel?
I'm stuck with this ring.
I've been
married for four years,
four years of neglect...
four years of battling,
four years of heartbreaks.
That makes 12 years.
You must've been
married in rompers.
Mighty pretty
country around there.
Do you think
you'll ever go back?
Come here, babe. I like you.
I shouldn't.
What about my husband?
That's all right.
Maybe we can get
a girl for him.
Who was that? My wife?
Married to her 12
years and you ask me?
What're you doing here?
I told you to spy on Helton.
I did spy on him.
What was he doing?
He was spying on me.
Did he see you?
No. I was too foxy for him.
All he could do was spy on me.
Well, get back in there.
We're all set to cop his girl.
Okay, chief.
[Girl screaming]
They got some
good stuff outside.
You want a drink?
Ready, boys? Let's go.
[Band playing slow music]
[Playing upbeat music]
[Playing intense upbeat music]
Beat you that time.
[Playing rhythmic music]
[Continues
playing rhythmic music]
Very swell.
Let me get you some punch.
I'd love it.
Just what I needed.
[Band playing upbeat music]
Well, how's it coming, kid?
Got everything you want?
Sure, how about
a job for my grandfather?
Your grandfather,
what does he do?
He puts cheese
in the mousetraps.
Why, we haven't got
any mice here.
He brings his
own mice with him.
[Joe laughs]
You know,
Mary, everyone seems to be
having nearly as
much fun as I am.
I beg your pardon,
but there's someone
to see you, Miss Helton.
Pardon me,
and I'll hurry right back.
Surely.
[Harpo whistles]
No, you're wrong,
girls, you're wrong.
In the first place,
Gary Cooper is
much taller than I am.
I wish you'd
announce this singer.
I can't make out the name.
Ladies and gentlemen,
I wish to announce...
that the buffet will be served
in the next room
in five minutes.
To get you in
that room quickly...
Mrs. Schmalhausen
will sing a soprano solo
in this room.
[Singing a slow opera song]
[Girl screams]
[Schmalhausen continues
singing slow opera song]
[Schmalhausen singing
high-pitched finale]
That's no good.
You wanna get
thrown out again?
Play something nice.
I tell you what you play.
Play... .
[Chico humming upbeat tune]
[Harpo whistling upbeat tune]
That's it.
That's beautiful.
That's magnifico. I like that.
[Playing upbeat music]
[Continues
playing upbeat music]
[Plays
fast-paced upbeat music]
[Guests applauding]
Mary! They've kidnapped her!
ZEPPO: Who's been kidnapped?
Mary, my daughter!
Do something!
But who could've done it?
It's that Alky Briggs!
You saw them drag
her into the car.
Where did they take her?
First, they
blindfolded me and then they--
Of course,
they took her to the barn.
Fellows,
let's all pack up a lunch
and go down to the old barn.
Fred, you go down
to the North Road.
Jack, you head
down by Front Street.
I'll go pick up
a couple of the boys.
And I'll take
care of picking up
a couple of dames.
Women?
This is no time for women.
On to the barn!
Gee, I wish I had a horse.
ALKY: Hurry it up, boys.
MAN: Come on.
Let me go!
No use yelling, kid.
Nobody will hear you in here.
You wait till my
father hears about this!
He's gonna hear about it
because I'm gonna
tell him myself.
Take it easy!
You're not going anyplace.
Don't get all excited.
Come on.
You take your hands off of me!
Listen, kid.
Nobody's gonna hurt you.
You'll be out in an hour
if your dad comes through.
Butch, you take
care of the girl while
I telephone Joe.
Come on, you guys.
[Mary screaming]
You take your hands off of me!
Now, make yourself
at home, but shut up!
DRIVER: $1.10.
Here's $1.
Keep the change.
But I said $1.10.
Give me $1.
I'll keep the change.
That's a half
a dollar I owe you.
You call this a barn?
This looks like a stable.
It looks like a barn
but smells like a stable.
Well, let's just look at it.
Get out of here!
Have you got
a girl in that hayloft?
BUTCH: No!
You're a bigger
fool than I thought.
Beat it, I tell you!
What'd you say?
I said beat it!
Pardon me.
What did you say?
BUTCH: I said beat it!
He said beat it.
Gee, I wish I'd said that.
Everybody's repeating it.
I'm coming down
there and get you!
Don't bother.
We'll come right up.
Come on.
I'm going in to get him.
[Hens clucking]
[Cow mooing]
Here we are at the old barn,
all set for
a nice picnic lunch.
Gosh, the picnic is off,
we haven't got any red ants.
I know an Indian who's got
a couple of Red aunts.
Don't you think we'd better
go look for the girl?
Let's wait till we eat,
there's hardly
enough lunch for two.
I don't see why
she couldn't get
kidnapped near a restaurant.
Some dark night,
I think I'll come
and lay for you if
the hens don't get sore.
Here.
Go over to that
filling station
and get some milk. Grade-A.
Well, come on.
Where's the milk?
There's
a customer ahead of me.
Hey!
What are you doing here?
What are we doing?
What about you,
kidnapping a girl?
Old-fashioned
piece of melodrama...
kidnapping a girl!
You've been reading
too many dime novels.
Go on. You get him.
I'll wait for you outside.
Keep out of this loft!
It's better to
have loft and lost
than never to
have loft at all.
Nice work.
Beat it,
or I'll throw you out!
[Hens clucking frantically]
CHICO: Take your
face out of my foot!
BUTCH: I gotcha!
So, thought we were afraid?
Thought we were afraid,
did you?
BUTCH: Now I'm gonna give
it to you guys right!
[Mary screaming]
[Cow mooing]
Butch! What happened?
Hey!
You, get out of that loft!
[Mary screaming]
Butch, what happened?
Come up here, Butch.
Where's all those
farmers' daughters
I've been hearing
about for years?
Why don't you boys
fight over there?
You want to break my glasses?
Come on, folks.
Step right up.
Only 10 cents a chance.
Attaboy!
Here you are.
Ten cents gets you in
the only game in the stable.
Let's see. Number 16 wins.
And the lucky number.
There you are, young man.
Sorry you didn't
get a better one.
CHICO: Here we go!
Let's see what comes up.
Well, if he isn't
the lucky guy. Double 0.
Two shots for
the price of one.
Folks, this is
the best game in all--
You're a mother,
you understand.
How would you like
to have somebody...
steal one of your heifers?
I know, heifer cow
is better than none...
but this is no time for puns.
Get in that battle over there.
Here we are again
at the ringside,
and it looks
like a great battle.
Now the boys are locked
in the center of the ring.
What a grudge fight.
Zowie! Zowie! Zowie!
That makes three zowies,
and a man gets
a base on balls.
Ending of the first inning.
No runs, no errors,
but plenty of hits.
[Exclaims in mock joy]
This program comes
to you courtesy of
the Golden Goose
Furniture Company...
with three stores:
125th Street, 125th Street
and 125th Street.
You furnish the girl,
we tar and feather your nest.
Look for our advertisement
in today's ash can.
Now the boys are at it
in the center of the ring!
Oh! That one hurt!
Come on, you palookas!
Stop stalling!
Oh, mama,
if I only had my youth again.
[Bells clanking]
Round two.
Both boys are
fiddling in the ring,
and I don't think
much of the tune.
Briggs is bobbing and weaving.
It's nice work
if you can get it.
Now they're trying.
Very trying.
I copped that one
from an almanac.
Now they're in
the center of the ring,
and the crowd hurrahs.
[Cow mooing]
Oh, Dad!
Are you all right, honey?
[Bells clanking]
Good boy.
Remember, old Joe Helton
never forgot a friend.
This is one job that
certainly was a pleasure.
What are you doing?
I'm looking for
a needle in a hay stack.
[Upbeat instrumental music]
instrumental music]
[Fast-paced lively
instrumental music continues]
What is it?
Sorry to have to report...
there are four stowaways
in the forward hatch.
Stowaways? How do you know
there are four of them?
They were
singing Sweet Adeline.
Get them out of there,
you hear?
But we can't find them.
And besides,
they've been
writing insulting notes.
So, I'm an old goat, am I?
Listen to me.
Find them if you have
to clear out that whole hatch!
Yes, sir.
Captain, when do we get in?
Wednesday!
I beg your pardon. Wednesday.
Thank you.
GROUCHO:
[Singing] In all my dreams
STOWAWAYS:
[Singing] In all my dreams
GROUCHO: Your fair face beams
STOWAWAYS:
Your fair face beams
ALL: You're the idol
of my heart
Sweet Adeline
My Adeline
This is the only
way to travel, boys.
The only way.
I was gonna bring
the wife and kiddies...
but the grocer
couldn't spare another barrel.
I was gonna
bring my grandfather,
but there's no
room for his beard.
Why not send
for the old swine,
let his beard come later?
I sent for his beard.
You did?
It's coming by "hair" mail.
Fellas,
I think I hear someone.
If it's the captain,
I'm gonna have
a few words with him.
My hot water's been
cold for three days
and I haven't got
room to swing a cat.
In fact,
I haven't even got a cat.
My grandfather
can swing a cat.
He can?
That'd make
a good job for him.
GIBSON: Come on, men.
Someone's coming.
Come on, men. Snap it up.
Listen, fellas.
We've got to find
those stowaways.
And when we do,
we'll put them in irons.
Aye, aye, sir.
Take a look in
behind those cases.
You fellows,
look behind those boxes.
Never mind the barrels.
Aye, aye, sir.
What's that?
I just said "aye, aye, sir."
Never mind that.
Find those men.
Aye, aye, sir.
[Lids rattle]
[Horn tooting]
They're not here, sir.
Oh, yes, they are.
Hoist all this
stuff up on deck.
And get these
barrels out of the way.
Very well, sir.
Lower away up there.
Hurry up with that sling.
You'll never find
them standing around.
Yes, sir.
You look in back
of those bales.
You look in those boxes.
SAILOR: Yes, sir.
All right, boys.
Make it snappy up there!
GIBSON: Hey!
There they are!
CHICO: Hurry.
[Footsteps pattering]
[Horn tooting]
[Crowd chattering]
[Playing lively music]
[Crowd applauds]
You fellas, go aft.
You fellas, take a look
in behind those lifeboats.
[Woman exclaims in shock]
[Crowd
chattering indistinctly]
WOMAN: Captain,
tell us about the stowaways.
I'll have them in
the brig before long.
That's terribly romantic.
I'd love to meet a stowaway.
CAPTAIN: Hey, you.
Are these your gloves?
I found them in your trunk.
Go to your rooms.
I'll be down shortly.
Who are you?
Are you the floorwalker?
I want to
register a complaint.
What's the matter?
Matter enough.
You know who
sneaked into my stateroom
at 3:00 a. m.?
Who did that?
Nobody,
and that's my complaint.
I'm young.
I want gaiety,
laughter, ha-cha-cha.
I wanna dance.
[Singing] I wanna dance
till the cows come home
Just what
do you mean by this?
I don't like the way
you're running this boat.
Get in the backseat
and let your wife drive.
CAPTAIN: I've been captain
of this ship for 22 years.
Twenty-two years?
If you were a man,
you'd go in
business for yourself.
I know a fellow,
started last
year with a canoe.
He has more women than
you can shake a stick at,
if you enjoy that.
One more word,
and I'll throw you in irons.
You can't do it with irons.
It's a mashie shot.
It's a mashie shot if
the wind is against you.
If the wind isn't, I am.
How about those
barrels down below?
I wouldn't
put a pig in there.
See here, you--
Not even if you got
down on your knees.
And here's your gloves.
You would take them,
wouldn't you?
And keep away from my office.
Now, see here, you!
How dare you invade
the sanctity of
the captain's quarters?
I thought you
was the captain.
I'm hungry.
I'm gonna find
something to eat.
I'll take care of that.
Hello.
Send up the captain's lunch.
Two.
Send up his dinner, too.
Who am I?
I'm the captain.
You want to choose up sides?
Engineer, will you tell them
to stop the boat from rocking?
I'm gonna have lunch.
What's the matter with you?
What's the matter with me?
I'm hungry.
I didn't eat in three days.
Three days?
We've only been on
the boat two days.
I didn't eat yesterday...
I didn't eat today,
and I won't eat tomorrow.
That makes three days.
State your business.
I've got to
shiver my timbers.
I got no business.
I come up to see
the captain's bridge.
Captain's bridge? I'm sorry.
He always keeps
it in a glass...
while he's eating.
Would you like to
see where he sleeps?
I saw that. That's the bunk.
You're wasting your breath,
and that's no great loss.
A fine sailor you are.
You bet I'm a fine sailor.
You know,
my whole family was sailors?
My father was
partners with Columbus.
What do you think of that?
Your father and
Columbus were partners?
You bet.
Columbus has
been dead 400 years.
They told me
it was my father.
Hop up there,
and I'll show you
a few things you
don't know about history.
Now look. There's Columbus.
That's Columbus Circle.
Would you mind
getting up off that flypaper
and giving the flies a chance?
You're crazy.
Flies can't read papers.
Now, Columbus sailed
from Spain to India
looking for a shortcut.
You mean strawberry shortcut.
I don't know.
When I woke up,
there was the nurse
taking care of me.
What's the matter?
Couldn't the nurse
take care of herself?
You bet she could,
but I found it out too late.
Enough of this.
Let's get back to Columbus.
I'd rather get
back to the nurse.
So would I.
But Columbus was
sailing along on his vessel.
On his what?
Not on his what.
On his vessel.
Don't you know
what "vessel" is?
Sure. I can vessel.
[Chico whistling lively tune]
Do you suppose
I could buy back
my introduction to you?
Now,
one night Columbus' sailors
started a mutiny.
No mutinies at night.
They're in the afternoon.
You know, mutinies Wednesdays
and Saturdays.
There's my argument.
Restrict immigration.
[Gibson talking indistinctly]
All right.
Of all the colossal impudence!
Why don't you stand up?
Can't you see he has no chair?
Why, you--
You better keep quiet.
We're a couple of
big stockholders
in this company.
Stockholders?
You look like
a couple of stowaways to me.
Don't forget
that the stockholder
of yesteryear is
the stowaway of today.
Well,
you look exactly like them.
What do they look like?
One of them goes around
with a black moustache.
So do I. If I had my choice,
I'd go around
with a little blonde.
I said one goes around
with a black moustache.
You couldn't
expect a moustache
to go around by itself.
Don't you think a moustache
ever gets lonely, Captain?
Sure, it gets lonely.
When my grandfather's beard
gets here,
I'd like it to
meet your moustache.
I'll think it over.
I'll talk it over
with my moustache.
Has your grandfather's beard
got any money?
Money? Why,
it fell hair to a fortune.
Now, listen!
Stockholders or
no stockholders,
you clear out of here!
[Knock on door]
There's someone
in that room.
GROUCHO: There's
somebody in that closet,
and I think it's you, Captain.
Now, we can eat in peace.
All right.
Here's a piece for you.
That a baby.
[Knock on door]
Beg pardon, Captain.
How dare you enter
the captain's quarters...
while I'm eating.
Sorry, sir.
[Knocking on door]
[Groucho guffaws]
Now I've got you!
Don't forget the butter.
[Slow,
romantic instrumental music]
You know, there's some
mighty pretty
country around here.
I've--
I beg your pardon.
[Zeppo whistling softly]
Pardon me.
Is this yours?
Why, no.
You sure?
I'm positive.
Is this yours?
Yes, it is.
As I was saying, there's some
mighty beautiful
country around here.
The trees are lovely.
You bet they are.
I love them.
[Puppets chattering]
[Children cheering]
Get out of my way!
[Children continue
laughing and cheering]
[Harpo humming in
distorted voice]
[Harpo screams]
Gibson. Come out of there.
Yes, sir.
I want to report I found a--
Gibson,
you've been drinking again...
and you know
what my orders were.
But those stowaways,
I just caught one
of them in there.
Stowaway, huh?
Yes. There he is.
PUPPETEER: [In falsetto] Help!
Look out!
You're choking me!
I thought so.
Go to your quarters.
[Children laughing]
That's one now.
That's a dummy. Come with me.
[Children laughing]
First officer.
I'm telling you, that's him.
This has gone far enough.
Get up to your quarters.
[Captain screams]
Yes, sir.
[Children laughing]
Quiet.
I think you're right.
I know you're right.
[Puppeteer
shouting indistinctly]
[Harpo whistling upbeat tune]
[Horn tooting]
[Children cheering]
Would you like
anything before lunch?
Yes, breakfast.
Nobody eats in here.
I do.
Mustard's no good
without roast beef.
Do you want your
nails trimmed long?
About an hour and a half.
I got nothing to do.
You're
a nice-looking gal, all right.
You got it.
Thank you.
And you can keep it.
[Girl screams]
That's a nice gal?
Somebody's coming.
Come on, boys.
You're next, Cap.
I'm looking for
a couple of mugs.
No, you boys look on B Deck.
Aye, aye, sir.
How about a shave?
Sure. Give me a once-over.
Once-over, partner.
No, a shave.
CHICO: On the face.
All right.
Wake me up when
you get through.
We'll take care
of you, all right.
We take the tonsils last.
I think we work on
the moustache first.
Give him a little snoop.
This side's too long.
Give him a little
snoop this side.
Now this side
is too short.
It's too short.
The other side is
too long. Snoop him up.
That's better, but the side
that was too short
now is too long...
and the side that was
too long is too short.
I think you got to
give him one more snoop.
I think we better measure.
It's about a foot too much.
No, the measure's
a foot too much.
Now it looks much better.
It can stand one more
snoop in
the middle, I think.
In the middle, one snoop.
That's fine.
That's very good.
I think it's a little
bit rough right here.
I fix that.
You know, I'm never going
on this boat again.
The food is no good.
Of course,
I no eat yet, but even
if I don't eat,
I like the food good.
One more snoop.
That's beautiful?
That's what you
call a work of art.
Hey, you know,
I think you give him
one snoop too much.
Hey, you know,
I think you give him
one snoop too much.
And I want you to know,
I'm fed up on your alibis.
Take it easy.
You're getting all excited.
Now where do you
think you're going?
Never mind.
I'm running this racket.
Just stay here and
keep out of sight
like I told you.
No you don't.
Now, listen to me,
Mr. Alky Briggs.
You can't keep me
cooped up like this.
I've played second fiddle
on this ship long enough.
Now you listen.
I'm not after any dames.
I'm after Joe Helton,
I tell you, and
he can't get away
from me on this boat.
He's got to put
his okay on my gang,
or he's gonna get this.
Hey, who are you?
I'm the tailor.
That reminds me.
Where are my pants?
You've got them on.
Pardon me while I
step into the closet.
And get a load of this,
if you come in
again at 3:00 a. m.--
Stop bothering me.
Tell it to the tailor.
Alky!
Alky!
What are you
doing in there?
Nothing. Come on in.
You can't
stay in that closet.
can't, can I?
That's what they said
to Thomas Edison,
mighty inventor...
Thomas Lindbergh,
mighty flier,
and Thomas Shefsky,
mighty like a rose.
Just remember
that if there weren't
any closets, there
wouldn't be any hooks...
and if there weren't
any hooks,
there'd be no fish,
and that would suit me fine.
Don't try to hide.
I know you're
in that closet.
Did you see me
go in the closet?
No.
Am I in the closet now?
No.
Then how do you know
I was in the closet?
Your Honor, I rest my case.
Come here, brown eyes.
You're not gonna
get me off this bed.
I didn't know
you were a lawyer.
You're awfully
shy for a lawyer.
You bet I'm shy.
I'm a shyster lawyer.
Then what do you
think of an egg
that would give me--
You've been getting nothing
but dirty breaks.
We can clean and
tighten your brakes...
but you'll have to stay
in the garage all night.
I want excitement.
I want to ha-cha-cha-cha.
[Groucho playing upbeat music]
You don't realize it.
From the time he got
the marriage license,
I've led a dog's life.
Are you sure he
didn't get a dog's license?
Alky can't make a fool of me.
I want to go places.
I want to do things.
I want freedom, I want
liberty, I want justice!
[Groucho humming]
Madam, you're making history.
In fact, you're making me.
And I wish you'd keep
my hands to yourself.
You know what I want.
I want life, I want laughter,
I want gaiety.
I want to ha-cha-cha-cha.
[Groucho playing upbeat music]
Madam, before I
get through with you,
you will have
a clear case for divorce...
and so will my wife.
The first thing to do is
to arrange for a settlement.
You take the children,
your husband takes the house.
Junior burns the house,
you take
the insurance and I take you.
But I haven't
any children.
That's the trouble
with this country.
You haven't any children.
And as for me,
I'm going back in the closet
where men are empty overcoats.
LUCILLE: Brown eyes.
[Groucho exclaims]
[Upbeat instrumental music]
Sir, this is an outrage,
breaking into a man's home.
There'll be
a letter about this in
the Times tomorrow morning.
Yeah?
But you won't read it,
'cause I'm gonna
lay you out pretty.
You're gonna
lay me out pretty?
That's the thanks I get
for freeing
an innocent girl...
who, although she is hiding
at the moment...
has promised to become
the mother of her children.
And with that, sir,
I bid you a fond farewell.
Good day, sir.
Good day.
Come out of there.
I want to talk to you.
I'm sorry, but we're using
the old-fashioned iceman...
and we find him
very satisfactory
for keeping the house warm.
Just as I thought,
you're yellow,
grabbing at a woman's skirts.
I'm wise.
You're wise?
What's
the capital of Nebraska?
What's the capital
of the Chase National Bank?
Give up?
Now,
I'll try you on an easy one.
How many
Frenchmen can't be wrong?
I know--
You were warm
and so was she.
Don't be discouraged.
With a little study
you'll go a long way.
And I'd wish you'd start now.
Do you see this gat?
Cute, isn't it?
Santa Claus bring it
for Christmas?
I got a fire engine.
Listen, mug.
Do you know who I am?
Don't tell me.
Are you animal or vegetable?
Animal.
Get this. I'm Alky Briggs.
And I'm the fellow
who talks so much.
Fancy meeting you here
after all these drinks.
Wait a minute.
Sorry, I can't stay.
The captain's
waiting to chase me.
You can stay, all right,
until I finish with you.
Alky, darling, please!
Don't "darling" me.
Get in that next
room and stay there!
Get in that next room.
I'm not good
enough for her, am I?
Is there anything
you've got to say
before I drill you?
Yes, I'd like to
ask you one question.
Go ahead.
Do you think that
girls think less of a boy
if he lets himself be kissed?
Don't you think that although
girls go out
with boys like me...
they always
marry the other kind?
If you're gonna
kill me, hurry up.
I have to take
my tonic at 2:00.
I can use a guy
with your nerve.
I think we could get
along well together.
Of course,
the first year we might have
our little squabbles.
But, then, that's inevitable,
don't you think?
And what do you want here?
I was just looking for him.
Do you know this guy?
I've known him for years.
He used to live in
the next barrel to me.
I see. The stowaways.
I can help you bozos.
Mr. Bozos to you.
All right, Mr. Bozo.
And you can help me.
I'm shorthanded,
and I want to get
a guy on this boat.
It's too late to
get him on now.
Should've said so
before we sailed.
Listen.
This is a map of B Deck.
There's Joe
Helton's stateroom.
And he's a tough egg.
And you're coming with me...
while I have it out with Joe.
Do you know who Joe Helton is?
I think I'll get off this boat
until this blows over.
If you know
what's good for you,
you'll stick with me.
You keep the windows covered
while I go in. Now, move!
[Children chattering]
[Horn tooting]
[Harpo whistling]
[Frog croaking]
[Harpo whistling a soft tune]
What is the idea of this?
It's all right.
I make a move for you.
This is an outrage!
I'll call the captain!
The captain don't play chess.
Purser!
Steward! Come here.
Too much noise here for us.
We better go
someplace where it's quiet.
[Knock on door]
Come in.
Your cigars, sir.
Thanks.
Wait a minute.
Thank you, sir.
Dad, now look at you.
You aren't even dressed yet.
You can do all the dressing
for the family, Mary.
Old Joe Helton is
taking things easy
for the rest of his life.
We're big shots now, baby.
[Knock on door]
Come in.
Hello, Joe.
Hello, Briggs.
What do you want?
I just wanted to
have a friendly talk.
I'm sort of
worried about business.
Step in the
other room, baby.
But, Dad--
Run along, honey.
Your kid?
She's cute, isn't she?
I don't think
we've got anything
to talk about. Get out.
Not before I get
your okay on my gang.
I'm not doing you
any favors.
Yes, you are.
You're gonna sign this.
[Dog barking]
I'm taking over
your territory,
or there's gonna be trouble.
I'm taking no sides.
You'll have to fight it out
with Butch and the gang.
I'm stepping into
your shoes as boss.
I'm not backing up any
small-time chiseller.
ALKY: Don't put on
the Ritz with me.
JOE: Don't get
cocky with me, Briggs.
ALKY: I'm talking turkey.
You can't make all the dough
and then run out on your pals.
I'm not taking orders
from a mug like you!
Scram!
So that's your answer?
Here's mine!
[Horn tooting]
So you got your gang with you?
I'll get you later.
Who are you guys?
What are you doing
in my room?
That's my partner,
but he no speak.
He's dumb and deaf.
[Horn tooting]
[Joe chuckles]
You guys don't know it,
but you just scared
a pretty tough egg
out of this room.
Sure,
we're a couple of tough guys.
Do you want to
make some money?
Money?
[Chico guffaws]
Money? Feel this muscle.
Feel his muscle.
All right.
How much you pay?
Just how tough are you?
You pay little bit,
we're little bit tough.
You pay very much,
very much tough.
You pay too much,
we're too much tough.
How much you pay?
I pay plenty.
Then we're plenty tough.
And we show you, too.
Partner,
show him how tough we are.
See?
That's nothing. That's free.
Now we give you
the real stuff this time.
Come on.
Put some pep in it.
The one-two uppercut.
You know, on the button.
No downstairs button.
Upstairs button.
That's fine.
That's good, all right.
I tell him you're tough,
and you punch
like a lily. What's a matter?
You wanna lose this job?
Give him the stuff this time.
Excuse me, boss.
He can do much better...
but he no work good today.
He no get paid.
When he get paid,
you watch him.
Come on. This time
we give him the works.
Come on. Hurry up.
On the button this time.
Come on, I tell you.
On the button.
Hurry up.
Give me the punch.
Come on.
All right.
Come on! Punch!
[Frog croaking]
That's enough. Wait.
What do you think of us?
You're great.
Not so loud.
You want him to
get a swell head?
You guys are
plenty tough, all right.
I'm spying on you.
You're just the fellows
I need. You're hired.
We're great, huh?
You're great.
My partner?
He's great.
My grandfather's great.
He's a great-grandfather.
When Helton comes out
of his room, plug him.
What'll we plug him with?
Didn't I give you two gats?
We had to drown the gat,
but we saved you
a little black gitten.
Here, take these,
and hang onto them now.
Don't leave me for a minute.
And keep your eye on that guy
that just went out of here.
You understand.
Anybody come near the boss,
let him have it.
You're all right
now, boss.
Anybody comes near you... .
What's a matter with you?
Look out.
That's all right.
He was just practicing.
Get out.
Now I can take
a walk out on deck
and feel safe.
Come on. Let's go.
There he comes now. Get him.
Don't worry. We'll get him.
I've got my
finger on the trigger.
Hey, don't forget.
Anybody comes near the boss,
let him have it.
[Chico laughs]
It's the boss.
He's got a disguise.
Take off the whiskers.
We know you.
[Screams] What do you mean?
Officer!
Why didn't you get him?
Not afraid, are you?
Afraid? Me?
A man who's
licked his weight...
in wild caterpillars? Afraid?
You bet I'm afraid.
So--
Hello.
How are things in the closet?
You know,
I still smell of mothballs.
I don't want to talk to you.
[Groucho humming
dramatic dance music]
So here you are,
loafing around
with these tramps.
I came down to see Joe Helton.
Don't you think
we'd better go?
What?
And leave this woman alone
with her husband?
Suppose her
sweetheart came in.
Alky Briggs,
don't think you can keep me
cooped up in that stateroom.
Because you're crazy!
You'll stay down there
and keep out of my business.
Do you understand?
Keep out of my business.
Your turn.
You were going to
show me a good time.
A good time!
I might as well
have stayed home
and played solitaire!
Your turn.
Pipe down.
I've more important things
than you to worry about.
Your turn.
You say that
again and I'll scratch
your eyes out!
You take this gun.
You're gonna need
it more than I will.
Oh, you!
[Woman screams]
Just the man I wanna see.
If I show you
how to save 20%...
would you be interested?
Of course you would.
First,
your overhead is too high
and your brow is too low.
Interested already,
aren't you?
Wait till I get through.
I haven't got time.
Two fellows are
trying to attack you...
and two fellows are
trying to defend you.
Now, that's 50% waste.
Why can't you be attacked
by your bodyguards?
Your life will be saved,
and that's 100% waste.
Now what have you got?
Me, and I'll
attack you for nothing.
What are you getting at?
I anticipated that.
How does an army travel?
On its stomach.
And you? On a ship.
Of course,
you're saving your stomach.
The same common sense--
I don't think you realize--
I realize it's
a penny here and there,
but look at me.
I've worked
myself up from nothing
to extreme poverty.
What do you say?
I'll tell you what I say--
Then it's all settled.
I'm to be your new bodyguard.
In case I attack you...
I'll be there to
defend you, too.
When you want to be attacked,
I'll defend you
10 minutes later.
I've already got
two bodyguards,
but I'll think it over.
[Harpo whistling a soft tune]
Thank you.
You're welcome.
What's the matter with you?
I've got a frog in my throat.
What?
A frog in my throat.
You've got
a frog in your throat.
Yes.
You can't do that
to my customers!
Cut it out!
Say,
what's the matter with you?
Are you crazy or something?
[Frog croaking]
[Harpo whistling for frog]
[Ship's horn blowing]
[Ship's horn blowing]
Have your landing cards
and passports ready, please.
How do you do,
Madame Swempski?
Hello, boys.
Any statement for the press?
No, I'm afraid not.
Nothing of
interest on this tour.
Is it true
the opera is on the decline
in Central Europe?
Absurd.
I predict they're going to
have the greatest year
they've ever had.
Is it true that
you're gonna get
married again
while on this tour?
Gentlemen,
I don't know what to say.
Gentlemen, I'd say just this.
The bicycle will
never replace the horse.
But,
the horse will never replace
the bicycle...
which is quite a horse on
the bicycle if I ever saw one,
and I never did.
I dare you to print that,
you muckrakers.
Have a cigar, babe.
Okay for the picture, Joe.
Pictures?
Here's a little sex stuff
for your front page.
Now, hold it steady, please.
[Horn tooting]
You can say it was
a real love match.
We married for money.
Eh, my shrinking violet?
It won't hurt you to
shrink 30 or 40 pounds.
You impudent cad!
I'll report you to your paper.
Let me do the reporting.
Is it true you'll
get a divorce as soon
as your husband
recovers his sight?
Is it true you wash
your hair in clam broth?
Is it true you
danced in a flea circus?
This is outrageous!
If you don't stop,
I'll call the captain.
So that's it.
Infatuated with
a pretty uniform.
We don't count.
We gave you our best years,
now you want an officer.
I don't like this innuendo.
That's what I always say,
love flies out the door
when
money comes innuendo.
Good-bye.
It's nice to have seen you,
but I've got nobody
to blame but myself.
REPORTER: Could you tell me--
SWEMPSKI: Please... .
You're awfully glum.
I was just thinking,
after the boat lands,
I may never see you again.
Does it matter to you
whether you ever see me again?
I can't think of
anything in the world
that matters more.
Mary, I'll never leave you.
[Soft romantic
instrumental music]
SAILOR: Tag.
Tag.
Wait a minute!
I'm just trying to
sneak off the boat,
that's all.
I'm looking for
the man who owns... .
Where's your passport?
GROUCHO: Wait a minute.
Let me handle this.
I don't like to
speak about it,
Officer, but I happen to be...
a good friend of
the meat supplier
to this boat.
Well?
Well, do you like lamb chops?
Yes, what of it?
This man doesn't
handle lamb chops.
But the roast beef
is very good today.
You fellows can't
get off the boat
without showing passports.
Get on back there at
the end of the line and
get your passports open.
Go on.
Get back there.
Stuffed shirt.
When he said that to me...
you could've knocked me over
with a feather.
He gives you service.
[Thudding]
It looks like
we're up against it.
It's up to you to
get us a passport.
I got you, didn't I?
Well, you'll have to get up
pretty early in the morning
to steal from me.
He did get up early this
morning, but you weren't
here. Perhaps tomorrow?
Well, come on.
Let's try another one.
What's the idea,
putting your
hand in my pocket?
Just a little mistake.
I had a suit that
looked just like that
and I thought
those were my pants.
How could they be yours,
when I've got them on?
This suit had
two pairs of pants.
Better keep your
hands to yourself.
Do you know
who's on this boat?
Maurice Chevalier,
the movie actor.
I just ran into him.
Did you hurt him?
How do you know
it was Chevalier?
I got his
passport right there.
Now he can't get off the boat.
Hey, he looks like Chevalier.
And I can look like Chevalier.
I certainly look
like Chevalier.
But that's not enough.
You have to sing his song
to get off this boat.
[Singing] If a nightingale
could sing like you
They'd sing much
better than you do
Dandy. Sing like that,
they'll throw us
all off the boat.
Well, let's try it.
All right. Come on.
Have your passports ready.
Straight out...
you'll find
the baggage on the deck.
Have your passports ready.
Keep in line, everybody. 945.
Keep in line, everybody.
Have your passports ready.
1092.
[All talking indistinctly]
INSPECTOR: Never mind.
Hey, if you want to
get off the boat...
get in the back.
Oh, I didn't get on
in the back.
I got on in the front.
Never mind that.
Leave them alone.
You're right...
I told them to stay in line.
Yeah? Show me your passport.
Yeah, right here.
That's my name.
Maurice Chevalier?
Yeah.
This picture
doesn't look like you.
Sure, I'm Maurice Chevalier.
I'll sing for you.
[Singing] If a nightingale
could sing like you
They'd sing much
better than they do
Here, never mind that.
Get back in line
where you belong.
I was ahead of you!
INSPECTOR:
Your passport.
Let me have your passport.
This picture
doesn't look like you.
It don't look like
me from the front,
but go in the back of
the boat, just like me.
You're not
Maurice Chevalier.
No.
Are you Maurice Chevalier?
Well, there you are.
Wait. I prove it.
[Singing] If a nightingale
could sing like you
He sing much
better than you do and
Out!
No push me!
Get out of here!
Get back in line
where you belong.
Passport!
This picture
doesn't look like you.
It doesn't look
like you either.
This man has no moustache.
The barbershop wasn't open.
Why, look at that face.
Well, look at that face.
Hey, are you going to identify
yourself, or else--
[Singing] If a nightingale
could sing like you
They'd sing much
sweeter than they do
For you brought
a new kind of love to me
Out! Back in line
where you belong!
OFFICER 1: Get off there!
OFFICER 2: Get off the table!
OFFICER 1: What do
you think this is here?
Put that down!
OFFICER 2: Lunatic!
OFFICER 1: Stop that!
OFFICER 2:
You want to break that?
OFFICER 3:
Here, let it alone!
Passport. I said passport,
not pasteboard.
Come on with that passport!
Not washboard!
Passport!
INSPECTOR: Chevalier?
[Lip-synching]
If a nightingale
could sing like you
They'd sing much
sweeter than they do
For you brought
a new kind of love to me
[Record garbling]
And if the sandman brought me
dreams of you
I'd want to dream
my whole life through
For you brought
a new kind of love to me
INSPECTOR:
Get him out of here!
Put him back there
where he belongs!
Take it easy, folks.
The gangplank is
to the left, please.
Don't crowd. Don't crowd.
Take your time. Ladies first.
Let me off the boat.
I'm a sick man.
I feel faint.
I don't care, take your time.
I tell you, I feel faint.
I'm going to faint.
SWEMPSKI:
Someone get a doctor!
MAN: Somebody fainted.
Where's a doctor?
A doctor! I want a doctor!
She's sick.
We'll take care of you.
Look, she's got a chill,
cover her up.
No, get off. Take her pulse.
No purse, put it back. Pulse.
I think you best
take her temperature.
That's good,
we'll take care of you, lady.
All right.
You fools,
I'm not the patient.
We're not the doctor.
Come on.
Doctor! Is there
a doctor on the boat?
Doctor!
Are you a doctor?
Sure, I'm a doctor.
Where's the horse?
A man fainted over here.
Man fainted?
I'll soon fix him.
Just my hard luck it
couldn't be a woman.
MAN: Here's the doctor.
Just as I thought,
smoking too much.
Here he is here, Doctor.
Don't tell me.
I'll find him myself.
[People murmuring]
I can't do
anything for that man.
He's fainted.
What he needs is
an ocean voyage.
In the meantime,
get him off the boat
and have his baggage examined.
MAN: Gangway!
You all get close
so he won't recover.
Right this way, please.
Step right around here.
OFFICER:
Step lively down there.
Back that ambulance in here!
[Women exclaim in surprise]
Hey!
Helton's throwing
his party tonight,
and this time we
blow the works.
Now, you guys are
going in as musicians.
And stay that way until
I give you the office.
Say,
what about those four guys
in the house?
The ones you said
were on the boat.
Don't worry about them.
They eat out of my hand.
The thing for you to
worry about is that girl.
Keep your eye on her. Get me?
That ought be easy to take.
Okay.
Sit tight and
I'll give you a call.
[Band playing upbeat music]
Have you guys
got an invitation?
We give you
invitation of Chevalier.
[Singing] When the nightingale
sings like you
Cut it out! And stay away
from this door, see?
ZEPPO: Mary?
You certainly had me worried.
I thought you'd
forgotten your own party.
You haven't been
doing all the worrying.
I was afraid
you wouldn't come.
My, but, there are
a lot of
strange-looking people here.
[Band continues
playing upbeat music]
Ladies and gentlemen!
Quiet, everybody.
A lady's diamond
earring has been lost.
It looks exactly like this.
In fact, this is it.
I beg your pardon!
How about you
and I passing out
on the veranda?
Or would you
rather pass out here?
Sir, you have
the advantage of me.
Not yet, but wait
till I get you outside.
You're pretty fresh,
aren't you?
That's my wife and
I don't like the way
you're acting here.
If you don't like our country,
go back where you came from.
I should sink that
right in your scalp.
Run for your life!
The Indians are coming!
What?
Put your scalp in
your pocket. Here.
The Indians.
[Groucho whooping]
Come here.
I'll get him.
[Groucho whooping]
Have a good time, kid.
This is going to
be a real party.
Is this a party?
The beer is warm,
the women are cold...
and I'm hot under the collar.
In fact, a more
poisonous little barbecue
I've never attended.
You're a funny kind of
a duck, but I like you.
You stuck by me,
and I'll stick by you.
Sheriff, I ain't much
on flowery sentiments...
but there's something
I just got to tell you.
Shucks, man, I'd be nothing
but a poisonous varmint...
and not fit to touch
the hem of your pants...
if I didn't tell you
you've treated me square,
mighty square...
and I ain't forgetting.
Sheriff, I ain't forgetting.
[Groucho imitating
a horse neighing]
GROUCHO: Whoa, there, Bossie.
Whoa, there!
[Groucho imitating
horse hooves clattering]
[Guests applauding]
My friends,
this is indeed a surprise.
You couldn't have
pleased me better.
I want you to meet
the sweetest little thing
in the whole wide world.
[Guests applauding]
[Dramatic instrumental music]
[Horn tooting]
Hey.
Yes, sir?
No, it's special for
Mr. Helton, sir.
You see this?
Come back in a half hour,
and I'll give you
another look at it.
Listen.
Keep your eye on Helton.
We're gonna grab his daughter
and take her to the old barn.
Old barn?
A fine tinhorn sport you are.
With all
the good shows in town,
taking a girl to an old barn!
Once we get
a hold of that girl,
he'll take orders from me.
I'll show him--
Enough small talk.
Where's your wife, Lucille?
Would you... .
Someone's coming.
I'll be back.
Be back next Thursday,
and bring a specimen
of your handwriting.
And, above all, don't worry.
[Imitating cat meowing]
What brought you here?
It's midsummer madness.
The music is in my temples...
the hot blood of youth.
Come, Kapellmeister.
Let the violas throb.
My regiment leaves at dawn.
[Slow-paced lively
instrumental music]
I guess my regiment
can go without me.
No, don't,
my husband might be inside.
If he finds me out here,
he'll wallop me.
Always thinking
of your husband.
Couldn't I wallop
you just as well?
I heard Alky
talking about this party.
I've dreamed of a night
like this, I tell you.
You tell me about
some of your dreams.
Dreams?
I can't even sleep anymore,
wondering who he's
chasing around with.
Why can't we break
away from all this,
just you and I...
and lodge with my
fleas in the hills?
I mean, flee to my
lodge in the hills.
No, I couldn't think of it.
Don't be afraid.
You can join this
lodge for a few pennies.
You won't even have to take
a physical examination...
unless you insist on one.
What a swell
home life I've got.
Why, I think I'd
almost marry you
to spite that
double-crossing crook.
Mrs. Briggs...
I've known and respected your
husband Alky for many years...
and what's good enough for him
is good enough for me.
Emily!
Henry, carefully,
somebody may see us.
I've been careful too long.
Now that you've brought it up,
how long have
you been careful?
They saw us!
Be calm, Emily.
I'll talk to them.
You won't say
anything about this?
Sir,
are you trying to offer me
a bribe? How much?
But you don't understand.
You see, I'm not
happy with my husband.
He should've married
some little housewife.
Madam, I resent that.
Some of my best
friends are housewives.
[Clears throat]
Now, see here,
if you're going to--
You're living in
a fool's paradise.
You intend to spend $10 to buy
this woman a ring?
Look at this.
It's solid brass and
$1.50 takes it away.
I know it'll fit her.
I got it from
the nose of a savage.
Well? $1.50.
You can have it for $1.
Fifty cents and
not a nickel under.
Now, my friends,
what am I offered for
this fine French
piece of bric-a-brac?
I know what it
is to be unhappy.
How do you think I feel?
I'm stuck with this ring.
I've been
married for four years,
four years of neglect...
four years of battling,
four years of heartbreaks.
That makes 12 years.
You must've been
married in rompers.
Mighty pretty
country around there.
Do you think
you'll ever go back?
Come here, babe. I like you.
I shouldn't.
What about my husband?
That's all right.
Maybe we can get
a girl for him.
Who was that? My wife?
Married to her 12
years and you ask me?
What're you doing here?
I told you to spy on Helton.
I did spy on him.
What was he doing?
He was spying on me.
Did he see you?
No. I was too foxy for him.
All he could do was spy on me.
Well, get back in there.
We're all set to cop his girl.
Okay, chief.
[Girl screaming]
They got some
good stuff outside.
You want a drink?
Ready, boys? Let's go.
[Band playing slow music]
[Playing upbeat music]
[Playing intense upbeat music]
Beat you that time.
[Playing rhythmic music]
[Continues
playing rhythmic music]
Very swell.
Let me get you some punch.
I'd love it.
Just what I needed.
[Band playing upbeat music]
Well, how's it coming, kid?
Got everything you want?
Sure, how about
a job for my grandfather?
Your grandfather,
what does he do?
He puts cheese
in the mousetraps.
Why, we haven't got
any mice here.
He brings his
own mice with him.
[Joe laughs]
You know,
Mary, everyone seems to be
having nearly as
much fun as I am.
I beg your pardon,
but there's someone
to see you, Miss Helton.
Pardon me,
and I'll hurry right back.
Surely.
[Harpo whistles]
No, you're wrong,
girls, you're wrong.
In the first place,
Gary Cooper is
much taller than I am.
I wish you'd
announce this singer.
I can't make out the name.
Ladies and gentlemen,
I wish to announce...
that the buffet will be served
in the next room
in five minutes.
To get you in
that room quickly...
Mrs. Schmalhausen
will sing a soprano solo
in this room.
[Singing a slow opera song]
[Girl screams]
[Schmalhausen continues
singing slow opera song]
[Schmalhausen singing
high-pitched finale]
That's no good.
You wanna get
thrown out again?
Play something nice.
I tell you what you play.
Play... .
[Chico humming upbeat tune]
[Harpo whistling upbeat tune]
That's it.
That's beautiful.
That's magnifico. I like that.
[Playing upbeat music]
[Continues
playing upbeat music]
[Plays
fast-paced upbeat music]
[Guests applauding]
Mary! They've kidnapped her!
ZEPPO: Who's been kidnapped?
Mary, my daughter!
Do something!
But who could've done it?
It's that Alky Briggs!
You saw them drag
her into the car.
Where did they take her?
First, they
blindfolded me and then they--
Of course,
they took her to the barn.
Fellows,
let's all pack up a lunch
and go down to the old barn.
Fred, you go down
to the North Road.
Jack, you head
down by Front Street.
I'll go pick up
a couple of the boys.
And I'll take
care of picking up
a couple of dames.
Women?
This is no time for women.
On to the barn!
Gee, I wish I had a horse.
ALKY: Hurry it up, boys.
MAN: Come on.
Let me go!
No use yelling, kid.
Nobody will hear you in here.
You wait till my
father hears about this!
He's gonna hear about it
because I'm gonna
tell him myself.
Take it easy!
You're not going anyplace.
Don't get all excited.
Come on.
You take your hands off of me!
Listen, kid.
Nobody's gonna hurt you.
You'll be out in an hour
if your dad comes through.
Butch, you take
care of the girl while
I telephone Joe.
Come on, you guys.
[Mary screaming]
You take your hands off of me!
Now, make yourself
at home, but shut up!
DRIVER: $1.10.
Here's $1.
Keep the change.
But I said $1.10.
Give me $1.
I'll keep the change.
That's a half
a dollar I owe you.
You call this a barn?
This looks like a stable.
It looks like a barn
but smells like a stable.
Well, let's just look at it.
Get out of here!
Have you got
a girl in that hayloft?
BUTCH: No!
You're a bigger
fool than I thought.
Beat it, I tell you!
What'd you say?
I said beat it!
Pardon me.
What did you say?
BUTCH: I said beat it!
He said beat it.
Gee, I wish I'd said that.
Everybody's repeating it.
I'm coming down
there and get you!
Don't bother.
We'll come right up.
Come on.
I'm going in to get him.
[Hens clucking]
[Cow mooing]
Here we are at the old barn,
all set for
a nice picnic lunch.
Gosh, the picnic is off,
we haven't got any red ants.
I know an Indian who's got
a couple of Red aunts.
Don't you think we'd better
go look for the girl?
Let's wait till we eat,
there's hardly
enough lunch for two.
I don't see why
she couldn't get
kidnapped near a restaurant.
Some dark night,
I think I'll come
and lay for you if
the hens don't get sore.
Here.
Go over to that
filling station
and get some milk. Grade-A.
Well, come on.
Where's the milk?
There's
a customer ahead of me.
Hey!
What are you doing here?
What are we doing?
What about you,
kidnapping a girl?
Old-fashioned
piece of melodrama...
kidnapping a girl!
You've been reading
too many dime novels.
Go on. You get him.
I'll wait for you outside.
Keep out of this loft!
It's better to
have loft and lost
than never to
have loft at all.
Nice work.
Beat it,
or I'll throw you out!
[Hens clucking frantically]
CHICO: Take your
face out of my foot!
BUTCH: I gotcha!
So, thought we were afraid?
Thought we were afraid,
did you?
BUTCH: Now I'm gonna give
it to you guys right!
[Mary screaming]
[Cow mooing]
Butch! What happened?
Hey!
You, get out of that loft!
[Mary screaming]
Butch, what happened?
Come up here, Butch.
Where's all those
farmers' daughters
I've been hearing
about for years?
Why don't you boys
fight over there?
You want to break my glasses?
Come on, folks.
Step right up.
Only 10 cents a chance.
Attaboy!
Here you are.
Ten cents gets you in
the only game in the stable.
Let's see. Number 16 wins.
And the lucky number.
There you are, young man.
Sorry you didn't
get a better one.
CHICO: Here we go!
Let's see what comes up.
Well, if he isn't
the lucky guy. Double 0.
Two shots for
the price of one.
Folks, this is
the best game in all--
You're a mother,
you understand.
How would you like
to have somebody...
steal one of your heifers?
I know, heifer cow
is better than none...
but this is no time for puns.
Get in that battle over there.
Here we are again
at the ringside,
and it looks
like a great battle.
Now the boys are locked
in the center of the ring.
What a grudge fight.
Zowie! Zowie! Zowie!
That makes three zowies,
and a man gets
a base on balls.
Ending of the first inning.
No runs, no errors,
but plenty of hits.
[Exclaims in mock joy]
This program comes
to you courtesy of
the Golden Goose
Furniture Company...
with three stores:
125th Street, 125th Street
and 125th Street.
You furnish the girl,
we tar and feather your nest.
Look for our advertisement
in today's ash can.
Now the boys are at it
in the center of the ring!
Oh! That one hurt!
Come on, you palookas!
Stop stalling!
Oh, mama,
if I only had my youth again.
[Bells clanking]
Round two.
Both boys are
fiddling in the ring,
and I don't think
much of the tune.
Briggs is bobbing and weaving.
It's nice work
if you can get it.
Now they're trying.
Very trying.
I copped that one
from an almanac.
Now they're in
the center of the ring,
and the crowd hurrahs.
[Cow mooing]
Oh, Dad!
Are you all right, honey?
[Bells clanking]
Good boy.
Remember, old Joe Helton
never forgot a friend.
This is one job that
certainly was a pleasure.
What are you doing?
I'm looking for
a needle in a hay stack.
[Upbeat instrumental music]