Mom or Dad? (2017) - full transcript

They've been here an hour, all alone.

That's them.

- Cut that out.
- Lay off.

- Idiot.
- Moron.

What a mess! Clean it up, slob!

Stop or it's down the toilet.

Give it back or I'll kill you!

- Move over, fatso!
- Retard!

What are you doing?

What might three minors
be doing at international arrivals?

Real honeys...
Where are your parents?



Forget it.

What happened?

8 months earlier

It was going fine,
the anesthesia worked,

but she kept sobbing in a panic.

I delivered the babies and said:

"Your twins are born,
they're beautiful,

they're healthy, everything's fine".

She sits up, grabs my white coat
and shouts:

"I know, I know!

But I don't know the father!"

Of the second.

"I don't know
the father of the second!"

"I don't know
the father of the second!"



Told right, it's a nice story,
but you messed it up.

When will you let me know
about the beach?

We'd better get a deposit down
for a house on the beach.

This year could be
a little more complicated.

We're divorcing.

Yes, Valeria and I are separating.

- You dummies!
- C'mon!

We decided last year.

We vacationed alone
after all these years

and we realized...

We'd become like friends.

Everything's fine, nothing's wrong.

Actually, we've even stopped arguing.

Right, but I miss that a little.

Me too.

We didn't want
to be like those couples

who pretend things are okay,

keeping one another company
watching TV.

- Nothing tragic!
- It's life!

How did the kids take it?

In the best way possible.

They're really fantastic.

- We're lucky.
- Really lucky.

At this point,
we have to tell the kids.

Sorry, it just slipped out.

Don't worry.

- You think so?
- Sure!

Sorry.

Sorry.

We'll manage.

- You think so?
- Sure.

Here we are!

Good evening, Demetra.

Hoodlums, they're hoodlums.

Thank you for staying so late.

I can't pick up Giulio
from chess tomorrow.

No problem. Here.

Or Thursday either, or any other day.

There's a problem?

Your kids.

What's wrong with them?

I hate them.

Fuck it all!

Swell!

We can't do without a babysitter.

- Don't worry, we'll manage.
- How?

The European Head comes tomorrow,

then the Technical Commission,
and you're on night shift.

- The third sitter in a month!
- Don't worry!

Giorgio can stand in for me
and I'll get Giulietto.

I'm too edgy, right?

I must be a pain in the ass.

A big, big pain in the ass.

Let's hope Maria doesn't leave too.

Nicola?

When will we tell them?

Tomorrow evening.

Nicola?

- Can we manage?
- We can manage!

Goodnight.

Goodnight.

Kids, wake up!

Honey, it's time to get up!

- Mom?
- Yes?

- I have no boobs.
- You're only 12.

- Carlotta wears a 38.
- She was held back.

- Think I'll have your boobs?
- What?

That would be a nightmare.

- C'mon, we'll talk this evening.
- Mom?

Yes?

If I don't get my period at 13,
I'll kill myself.

Okay, have a good day.

Giulietto!

It's time...

- What's that?
- Who's that!

It's Nero, the science guinea pig.

- Caligula died at Christmas.
- You'll keep it?

- Why, do you mind?
- No, absolutely not.

Okay, darling, I'm off.

- Be careful!
- Sorry, Nero.

Have a good day, sweetheart.

Matteo, get up, it's seven!
You'll be late...

for school.

- School sucks, it's obsolete.
- Okay, see you later.

Here's Giuletto's lunch
for the outing

and his signed permission,
there's juice in the fridge.

Matteo needs a check
for the cafeteria,

Viola too, for the dentist,
here's my health card.

Maria's ironing is ready,
will you leave her money?

Stop at the market,
the shopping list is on the fridge.

I'm off, have a good day.

I'm a Post-it.

- Move up!
- Shut up, stop!

- When did her waters break?
- Move up!

- About 2 a.m.
- Dilation?

Just 2 cms, but
we've been here for hours.

The cervix?

You're doing fine...

Dad, won't you say something?

Quiet!

Hurry.

Call the anesthesiologist
for the epidural.

- Giorgio, I'll call you back.
- Fuck you, move up!

- Who taught you that talk?
- You two.

Isn't discipline
in your martial arts course?

Krav Maga isn't exactly
a martial art.

Shut up, Wiki-dwarf!

- Move the seat up!
- Shut up!

What a headache!

Stop, I can't be seen with you,
you'll ruin my reputation.

Okay, sure!

Stop here!

Come directly home, we need to talk.

- I can't!
- Come home, we need to talk!

I'm getting out too.

This taxi's always at your disposal,
young lady.

- Walking was faster.
- Want to sit in front?

Okay, thanks.

- Good morning, Engineer, ma'am.
- Morning.

I have inspection now,
we can update in a few hours.

Engineer, ma'am, good morning.

Here's the person
I was talking about,

our chief engineer, Valeria Mozzati.

A woman!

Mr Engineer, Miss Engineer...

what do we say?

Just engineer is fine.

Already a chief, Miss?

I'm married!

Already married,
you look like a teenager.

- Are you already 20?
- No, 17 in November.

A minor and already ballsy!

Don't tell me you're a single mother!

It wouldn't be sensible at 17!

- Good for our little engineer!
- First of all...

Let's set things straight.

One: I want no irony
in my relationship with dependents.

Two: I want no physical contact,
especially, at work.

So, steer clear of me

and remember this is an inspection,
not a guided tour.

Shall we go?

Thank you.

He's a total asshole, or am I wrong?

No, you're not wrong.

- Well done.
- Thank you, Doctor.

Here's your little one.

- Nico, what is it?
- Can you take over this afternoon?

Not Thursdays, I have choir practice!

- Thanks, I owe you.
- I said no!

There are 50 of you,
you'll never be missed!

Not the choir!

Nurse, prepare the medication kit.

Excuse me, sir...

I know you applied
to work with AMREF in Mali.

I'm on the waiting list,
I know your project by heart.

Look...

Well, let's hope for the best...

- Melania.
- Thank you, Melania.

Today's inspection aims

at understanding which areas
of the plant are to be maintained

to unfreeze investments,
giving the plant a future.

The major activity...

Matteo School

...is directed by Engineer Mozzati
who is enlarging...

Yes, speaking!

He didn't come to school?

PAINTS

Mom, not now!

- You were with us, right, Engineer?
- Yes.

- Credit run out?
- What?

- Want my cell phone?
- No, thank you.

I'll make one last try.

- Excuse me.
- Absurd!

Excuse me.

Unbelievable!

Nicola, listen!

No, Dad!

Just a moment!

- I'll be right back!
- Quiet!

Please, forgive me.

What are you doing?

Stop!

Stop!

He's overdoing it,
they'll kick him out.

I know. We'll talk later!

Okay.

- All okay, we can go.
- All okay?

- You won the trophy!
- No, I stole it!

I don't tolerate phone calls

except for emergencies, thank you.

Forgive me.

Hello, are you
Matteo Vignali's mother?

- Yes.
- Carabinieri in Treviso.

What?

There's a problem with your son,
could you come by?

- Coming.
- Right away, thank you.

Leaving so soon?

I'm sorry, it's an emergency.

For the children you don't have!

That's women: either they're pregnant
or they leave early!

What are you thinking?

The father of Russian chess champion
Anatoly Karpov

gave up his job
to follow his son's career.

- Maybe he wasn't a doctor.
- No, he was an engineer.

So, a doctor's no good?

It's fine if you were
a more enlightened one,

helping human beings to progress.

Sorry if I just give them birth.

You know that's not enough.

He's young, easily led...

I'm sure he's already sorry
for what he did.

You're sorry, right?

No, we're fighting for our ideals,
our planet!

They're just kids,
they'd like to change the world...

Why SUVs?

SUVs are an aberration of modernity!

They produce
half of global CO2 emissions.

Dear, would you please be quiet?

The man is a Carabiniere, not
president of the Kyoto summit.

- A Carabiniere officer.
- A Carabiniere officer.

Forgive me, Officer sir...

Think you can save the planet?

I call it vandalism.

What fuss for a little paint!

Officer, let's not exaggerate
for a little graffiti...

A little graffiti?

9,750 euros.

Expensive graffiti.

9,750 euros!

- Do you realize?
- For a good cause.

I was in the middle
of a technical inspection!

I didn't call you!

People like you
are making the Amazon a parking lot!

Let's go, move!

I'm off to Leo's, see you later.

No, not tonight, we have to talk!

About what?

Well, kids, Dad will have a house
right next to Mom's,

so you'll have two houses,

Dad's house and Mom's house.

Well?

Maybe you're smiling too much.

I can't be angry!

No, you should stay positive,
but it's not good news.

Maybe what's missing
is a bit of solemnity.

Positive and solemn.

- Easy!
- Try it!

Solemn...

Dad and Mom are divorcing.

No, that's obnoxious.

- Then do it yourself.
- You asked my opinion!

Why not put it off?

Giulietto has a math test,
I wouldn't want to upset him.

We can do this some other time.

- We have to tell them.
- Yes, we do.

- Positivity and solemnity.
- Alternate.

Alternate.

- Are you ready?
- Yes, I'm ready.

- I'll get them?
- Okay.

Positive and solemn.

- Alternate.
- Alternate, alternate.

Well, kids,

you're probably wondering
why we got you together.

Viola, would you stop texting?

I'm not texting, it's Snapchat.

Okay, but it's the same...

I don't listen with my fingers!

Idiot, want us here till midnight?

- Fuck off!
- No swearing in this house!

- It's my fault she's a bitch?
- Knock it off!

Please!

- Viola, please listen?
- What's wrong with you all?

Sara's all shook up,

she says she has to take some pills

because her parents are divorcing.

What should I do?

You're too selfish, I hate you!

What did you want to say?

That we...

We want to tell you that...

- Demetra has stopped coming.
- Right.

She walked out.

Excellent,
we're rid of another bitch.

That's right.

Speaking of household help,

I'd like to say
Maria doesn't do a thing here.

Has there been a setback?

No, Your Honor...

I mean, yes.

You've decided not to divorce?

Oh, yes!

Problems of alimony, the house?

- With the distribution of stocks?
- No, nothing like that.

You no longer want joint custody?

No, on the contrary!

Then will you explain
what's happening...

Well, we were wondering

if you'd like to come to dinner
at our house.

It's a little unusual...

- All right.
- Perfect.

Meantime you should bring me...

the notary deed
for the purchase of the house.

- And when might you be free?
- For dinner.

Let's wait until after
the divorce is pronounced.

No, before that.

Come for dinner before that.

- Before that?
- This weekend, for example.

We could barbeque in the garden

and if it rains,
roast beef with potatoes.

Delicious!

Roast beef with potatoes is perfect.

And after dinner we could
leave you alone with the kids

to chitchat.

You mean to say

the children haven't
been informed of the divorce?

They still don't know?

You see, Annamaria...

May I call you Annamaria?

I'm a gynecologist

and I never shirk
when I have bad news,

I give the news personally!

It's a professional view of the fact.

Objectivity...
you understand, don't you?

No.

Not at all.

Annamaria, exactly which part
didn't you understand?

Fuck off!

What a bitch!

A shitty bureaucrat!

- We were so polite.
- Right.

We just asked her to dinner!

Please!

Sorry.

Take that away!

Hi, how are you?

- Hello.
- Like company?

Sure!

Excuse my smiling,
but it's strange being here...

...an average overall capacity
of 16 tons...

Everything okay last night?

Fine.

Did you get a little sleep?

Not much.

Why?

A complicated night shift.

Meaning?

A complicated case,

but nothing special.

I'm off, have a good day.

- Already here?
- Yeah.

- Coffee?
- Listen, Valeria, I...

- I have to tell you something.
- What?

- I've been promoted.
- Great! What job?

- Chief.
- Chief of what?

- What's this crap?
- First of all, hello.

I've been putting up with
your sexist quips for days.

- What's your problem?
- No problem.

You won't take supervision from me.

- Why not?
- I've always done my duty.

- You've met deadlines?
- On the nose.

- You've stayed in the budget?
- I've spent less!

- You've fomented strikes?
- Not one day.

- Caused accidents?
- Not one.

Wonderful, we're in total agreement.

On what?

That you've always done
an excellent job.

Miss, things
always run smoothly at this site.

Keeping you here would be a waste.

- Sweden needs you.
- Who?

I'm sending you to Sweden,
the worksite in Ostvik.

If not, that plant will never
be reconverted in 100 years.

Aren't you happy?

You're not pregnant again!

You scared me for a moment.

Let me know.

And pack warm things,

Sweden is not Naples.

- Hello, doctor.
- Vignali, my compliments!

- Thank you, for what?
- You're going to Mali.

Come to my office
regarding your substitution.

See you later!

Look, darling, he's beautiful!

Nicola, am I interrupting?

No, did you get my message?

Yes, can we meet for a moment?

Yes, wait...

Come here!

Yes, just a second.

Wait.

I have something to tell you too.

- You should go.
- No, why turn it down?

It's a great chance, I know,

but your job is more important.

You've been dreaming of this
since I met you.

You should have gone after
your degree, then the kids came...

It's why you became a doctor!

I don't want you to give it up,

it's okay.

Consider it my gift for the divorce.

I'm so lucky to have you in my life.

I have to go.

Sorry, I left the keys...

to the car.

Valeria, Melania.

What a nice name!

I'm his wife... his ex-wife.

No, not yet...

What am I?

I'm Nicola's future ex-wife.

- A pleasure.
- My pleasure, ma'am.

So, I'll call the judge
about what we said.

You'll be home late, I guess.

Yes.

All right.

Because I thought I'd do a roast!

But maybe it's not enough for 4...

As you like.

Maybe I'll do spaghetti...

- The kids love it.
- Why not?

Well, bye.

- Goodbye, Melania.
- Goodbye, ma'am... Valeria!

You, madam, called to say

due to a commitment abroad,

you two would like to change
joint custody arrangements.

We agree that,

except for a period of seven months

in which joint custody

will be exclusively
one of the two of you,

the rest will be 50/50.

Excuse me, there's a mistake,

I heard "seven months".

- Yes, that's not so?
- Yes, it is.

No, just five, six at most.

So, you're leaving for five months?

- No.
- Yes.

- I'm the one leaving.
- You're the one going to Sweden?

No.

Sorry, who's leaving?

- Me!
- Me!

And who'll care for the children?

- Her!
- Him!

- I don't understand.
- What's going on?

I've accepted the worksite in Sweden.

- Couldn't you have told me?
- Why, did you tell me?

Valeria, we're divorcing.

You played games with me,
you want me here

while you screw your Melissa in Bali!

Mali, and her name's Melania!

- Doesn't matter!
- No!

- She's still a whore.
- Jealous?

No way,
I couldn't care less about you!

Then face reality!

We're divorcing.

You made me face reality, and fast!

- You're crazy.
- I want a divorce, right now.

- That's why we're here.
- Make it fast!

- The sooner, the better.
- Right.

Stop!

This act has lasted a year,
it's my last warning:

the divorce settlement
is at the end of the month,

meaning, in three weeks,

either come to an agreement
or your children will decide.

- Pardon?
- What's that mean?

Since the adults
don't know how to be adults,

I'll hear the kids

and they'll decide
whether to stay with Mom or Dad.

So...

you must be wondering

why we've brought you together.

Viola, honey,
please put that thing down.

That's enough!

- But...
- Quiet!

Shut up! Stop!

Well, Dad and I
have brought you together...

because we've always been frank.

- Absolutely.
- Maybe not totally.

- What's right.
- Omitting a detail or two.

It's not the moment.

- That's why we want to tell you...
- Simply...

- Demetra's coming back?
- No!

That's good!

We're divorcing.

- What?
- We're divorcing.

- Who is?
- Who?

Me and her, the two of us.

Mom and Dad, over.

Is this a joke?

In all sincerity, Giulietto,

do we seem like two people
capable of irony

on such an important matter? No.

I'm shocked.

This thing stresses me...

I know, it's very unsettling for you,

but we are sure

you can easily distinguish

between a couple in love

and a parental couple.

But, we'll always be
a family joined by love,

although no longer
under the same roof.

And as regards custody,

since you're inseparable,

we thought you should decide...

- To stay with Mom...
- Or with Dad.

- Sure, with Mom...
- Or with Dad.

I feel like throwing up.

I'm shocked.

- When?
- What do you mean, my angel?

When do we have to decide
to stay with Mom or Dad?

There's time!

Of course, we'll decide
calmly and peacefully.

However, not before Saturday.

- But today is Thursday!
- Exactly!

I told you, there's time.

Excuse me... What is it?

Don't you think we should talk?

No.

- Done!
- Good for you, no pity.

- Think so?- Of course!

We have to be everything:

mothers, wives, friends, lovers,

and then we get to 40 and...

are tossed out like dirty laundry.

I understand.

My dear,

you're still a good-looking woman,

but 40, three children, divorced.

You're certainly no plum.

Who'll ever take you,
at your age, with all the baggage?

This trip to Sweden is your chance,

not the last, but close to it.

- Don't miss this one!
- Thank you.

The only thing they say

is: "Don't get the rug dirty"

or "Did you go by the laundry?"

And they're surprised
if a guy looks around.

A man needs air.

But I messed up,
I should have told her.

Don't feel guilty, you're divorcing.

Why are you panting?

I'm on the elliptical.

- What's it like?
- It sucks.

But it's the only way to get air.

- On the elliptical?- Yeah.

I'll call you back.

What are you drinking?
You're eight years old!

Yes, and already
so many things to forget.

How is she?

She's broken up.

And Nicola?

A devastated man.

I tried to douse the fire

but when there's no communication,
it's the end.

Dialogue is everything.

Good morning.

I'm touched, you made
breakfast for everyone.

You've done it
maybe once in fifteen years.

Now I can leave for Sweden
with peace of mind.

Don't go crowing,
you're not on the fjords yet.

The fjords are in Norway.

As you like, but you haven't won yet.

You neither.

Get moving, Viola has an essay,
you risk being late.

You have seven minutes to get them
washed, dressed and taken to school.

Kids!

It's late, it's eight o'clock! Move!

Why wake me first and not Matteo?

Because I'm a girl
and you're a male chauvinist!

That's why!

Couldn't you knock?

Could you get Giulietto's breakfast?
I need to shower.

What?

And also: when Mom leaves,

you'll be the only female
so you'll be helping

with the washing,
shopping and cooking.

You'll see your friends less
but you and I will manage.

C'mon, hurry, we're late!

- Wake up!
- Dad!

- Wake up!
- Why the racket?

Quiet!

Wake up!

Well! C'mon!

Wake up, wake up!

Your father is so sweet

but he'll let you do what you want.

- Meaning?
- Pizza every night, hot dogs...

Hamburgers, chips, mustard, ketchup,
mayonnaise all you can eat...

I can see you two watching TV,

a joint,

a porno film.

Honey...

No, no junk food while I'm around.

Actually...

None of this either.

Look what nice cauliflower!

Hello.

- Smell the goodness.
- Yuck!

- It's good for you! How much?
- Two euros.

Thank you.

Carry this, it's heavy,
you're a big boy now.

- Dad?
- What?

There's no need to come with me,
I always go alone.

I know, but I want
this moment to share

before you go live with Mom.

Why do you think we'll choose Mom?

You can't go against nature.

I see it everyday
in the maternity ward,

a newborn goes naturally
toward his mother's breast.

Mom doesn't have breasts.

So? Cubs cling instinctively
to their mothers

for protection against predators.

This cordon can't be cut,

it's too hard
on both the mother and the child.

I mean,
a she-wolf can let herself die

if her cubs are taken.

Just imagine Mom.

No, I can't think about it.

I just can't.

Well... with this box

Dad made a small ballot box,

with a slit here.

While Mom made these ballots.

It's very easy:
pink for Mom, blue for Dad.

- We're not idiots.
- It's to make counting easier.

It's very simple:
insert the ballot in the box,

like in this case, pink for Mom.

Or blue for Dad.

You vote, we'll leave the ballots...

Feel free to vote like...

We'll be waiting in there.

- Pink for Mom...
- Blue for Dad.

There are two colors.
Enjoy your voting!

If you win, I won't make a fuss.

What do you mean "if you win"?
That they choose me or you?

That they choose you.

So, when you say "if you win",
it means "if you lose"?

How's that, "if you lose"?

If I lose...

So, if I win...

We're done!

What's this mean?

Yesterday Mom said if she were me,
she'd go live with you.

- You said that?
- No.

Yes.

And you said Mom would die
if we didn't choose her.

- You said that?
- No.

Yes.

This mean just one thing:
you're still in love.

You asked us to choose and we did:

we want you to stay together.

We're against the divorce.

Are you happy?

About what?

- I lost.
- So did I.

- We lost.
- What do we do now?

Do what you want,
I'm going to the hospital.

- What?
- I'm on night shift, remember?

Go in your T-shirt,
you can strip faster.

With her, I like to take my time.

- Fuck off.
- You too.

Supper!

Sorry, I have to take this,
it's home.

Coming.

- Where are they?
- In the bedroom.

What did they eat?

It's not a tough question:
what did they eat?

Some pasta...

- Plain... spaghetti.
- Plain? How?

A classic: oil and parmesan cheese.

Valeria, would you come a moment?

- Taste this.
- No, thanks, I'm not hungry.

This pasta has bubbles, dammit.

- What did you put in it?
- I didn't mean to, I swear.

- You're a criminal.
- I realized later, I swear!

You poisoned your children.

- You think I could do that?
- Yes!

It was an accident!

Anyway, it's a bioproduct,

with aloe vera, non-toxic...

All's fair, but you can't kill them.

- How can you say that?
- You poisoned them so they'd want me!

- What are you saying?
- You're totally crazy!

You drive me crazy!

No problem,
I never want to see you again.

Fine.

From today, the kids are
yours one day, mine the next.

And the bedroom too!

- From right now.
- That's fine!

- And you start.
- Okay.

- Why me?
- Because I said it first!

- But I'm on night shift!
- Too bad!

I don't give a damn!

Bitch.

Keep breathing, breathe!

We'll get your stomachs pumped
and a blood sample

so we can all relax, okay?

Okay?

C'mon, breathe!

Keep breathing,

keep breathing...

You too, breathe, breathe...

Good kids!

Good news, everything's fine.

Can we go home?

Sure, of course.

But, since you're all here,

I can't pass this up...
I want you to see something.

You know this is
my second home, my life.

I can finally share all this with you

because helping babies be born
is the best job on earth.

Don't you agree?

Carry on,

don't mind us.

You can see better from here.

Who are they?

Concentrate on the birth, not
what happens in the delivery room.

See?

For this cesarean,
Giorgio is using a new technique:

"Misgav Ladach".

He makes a horizontal incision

which will be covered by pubic hair.

Dad? I don't feel so good.

Here's the best part.

We stretch
the abdominal muscles apart...

we reach the uterus
and cut it with a scalpel.

And here's life.

Isn't it stupendous?

Look what's coming!

- What's that stuff?
- You've never seen a placenta?

It looks like a big calf's liver.

Isn't it beautiful?

He's always been the most sensitive.

- We'll leave you two alone.
- Yes.

Hi.

We'll be right outside.

- Where are the kids?
- With Giorgio.

For once...

I wanted to meet on neutral turf.

Okay, tell me.

We overdid it, let's stop all this

and behave like normal adults.

- You decide?
- What?

When to divorce, when to argue,

when to calm down,
when to behave like adults.

I'm not your worker,
I take no orders from you, I decide.

Is your Florence Nightingale
giving you courage?

You think I'm leaving to be with her?

I'm leaving to get away from you.

I'm more successful than you
and you've never liked it.

- You made me into a Post-it.
- You went to the market 3 times!

You did 3 times
what I've been doing for 15 years!

You're a huge pain in the ass,
the queen of them,

at least you're consistent:

you've always been a pain in the ass.

- I'm going to Sweden, it's decided.
- The kids choose.

- Want war?
- You do.

- Yes, I do.
- Count me in.

- I'm ready.
- So am I.

Fuck you!

Fuck you!

I'm even more ready than you.

Fine...

Enough is enough!

Yes?

Tell your daughter to turn off
that music or I'll kill her.

It's your day, go right ahead.

You fuck off too!

Rat!

Matteo!

- What?
- I had a nightmare.

Please, it's 4 o'clock.

- I'm all shook up, can I tell you?
- No.

- Please!
- I have a test tomorrow!

I'm in Shanghai,

but not really Shanghai, it's Sidney,

I'm in a hangar, but not really
a hangar, it's a two-star hotel.

It's hot, very hot.

An old hag comes up behind me,

I ignore her
and keep eating a calf kidney

in a bowl that's not really
a bowl, it's a military helmet.

The old hag climbs on me and rapes me

and meantime I remember I haven't
taken Giulietto to chess.

I start crying, Dad's crying,

the hag isn't a hag anymore,

she's a horse and I go inside,

I'm inside a horse's guts!

But I'm not Leonardo Di Caprio,
I'm still me.

The horse isn't dead,

it's alive...

It turns, looks at me
and it has your mother's face.

Stop!

Why the yelp?

- No, nothing...
- Is it normal to feel air?

- I'll even it up.
- "Even" what?

- Let me see.
- I'll even it up!

Holy shit, what the fuck did you do?

- It looks good!
- No way!

I can't go out now.

- How much longer?
- Lower your voice!

- It's checkmate in two moves.
- Go, Giulietto!

Send him back to eat miso soup!

How sad, miso soup!

Crush the chink!

When you divorce,
the kids need support.

Don't worry!

You two are so civilized...

The kids will understand.

Furio, frankly,

could you fall in love
with a woman who has three kids?

Yeah!

Wouldn't it be like having

a dead weight, a dried prune,

an old hag?

I wouldn't say so.

Would you desire her?

Look at me.

Would you make love
with someone like me?

I think I really would.

I feel much better.

Thank you.

Like it?

Want something to drink?

Cuc-coo, it's Viola,
leave a message.

- Hello?
- Honey it's Mom...

This is Matteo's answering machine
if you're cute I'll call you back,

otherwise, forget it.

Where are you all?

Paintball is a sport,
but it can be very dangerous.

It stings at short range,
but close up it's crazy.

Visors down.

Pull the safety.

Go!

Stop Dad!

Dad, we're on the same team!

- Dad, don't shoot!
- Ow, my foot!

Dad, what are you doing?

Dad!

- What happened?
- Dad took us to play Paintball.

- He took you to Paintball?
- Can't you tell?

- He hurt us.
- Dad?

- I hate him!
- He's crazy.

I'll call the lawyer and report him.

I'll never stay with him!

- Where's the computer?
- I gave it away.

- How can I do my history report?
- Open a book.

Can't you open a book for once?

Where's the TV?

I threw it out!
Things change as of today.

Ouch, my foot!

What a fuss!

You look tired.

Don't give up, keep fighting.

What's in your hair?

Mayonnaise.

I have to battle?

You know Nicola,
he's like all the rest.

He'll hit hard,
he'll take the car, the house,

the money and, naturally, the kids.

The bastard,
he took them to Paintball.

What did I tell you?

He's trying to buy them.

It's time to get moving,
it's time to act.

Mom?

- Mom?
- Yes?

There's no hot water, I have a party.

I forgot to tell you: I rationed it.

From this evening, you have 3 minutes
of hot water per day.

Your brother's right,
we have to respect the Earth

and the Earth lacks water.

Right.

- Asshole!
- What did I do?

It's 9, I'll pick you up at 11.

Midnight?

- Okay.
- Thank you!

I adore you!

Tanza threw his pencil case
out the window today.

Know what the teacher did?

- She gave everyone detention.
- She did?

I swear!

- What are you doing here?
- I came a little early.

- It's 9:10.
- Won't you introduce your friend?

Hi, dear.

I'm Valeria, but just call me Val.

Simone.

You talk about him all the time!

Mom!

I broke in, you were together...

What? Be quiet!

What's good to drink here?

Come here, Simone.

Excuse me.

I knew it!

Here.

This is talking!

How are things between you two?

Do you like her?
She's worried about her breasts.

Mom!

She's afraid they'll be like mine,
but...

Not bad, huh?

- Cut it out!
- Look.

You kids are obsessed by size.

I don't know your size...

Mom!

Simone, don't let it worry you,

these things are not important.

- For example, her dad...
- Shut up.

Has a very nice one, well-shaped,

of considerable size,

yet I'm divorcing him!

See, it doesn't count a thing!

Excuse me.

It's my daughter, I have to answer.

What's she doing?

She's nuts!

You getting pictures?

She's just too beautiful.

Yeah, beautiful.

These "Milfs" blow your mind.

What are you doing?

Hi gorgeous, want to dance?

Let's go.

Maybe it's the divorce,
but she's gone nuts.

I'm so sorry.

I'll never go live with her!

Wait, don't say that.

Did you see how she touched herself,
rubbed herself?

How embarrassing! What's all this?

Dad? Where are we going?

We're going.

- Dad?
- Tell me.

Can we go home now?

It's important for us to talk.

Right here?

You're a big girl, it's time
to know your father's habits.

Still got the 20 euros
I gave you for the movies?

Why?

Thank you.

Excuse me, ma'am.

- Tell me, dear.
- Your breasts are magnificent.

- Thank you, dear.
- You're welcome, ma'am.

- Vignali, ready for Mali?
- You bet.

All I need is sun cream.

Good morning, ready for Sweden?

- All I need's a fur hat.
- Engineer Mozzati!

Some evening, without obligation,

would you accept an invitation
to dinner?

Remember I'm a minor,
it's not a good idea.

Thanks just the same.

You're welcome.

Matteo's dad insisted on taking part

in a demonstration of Krav Maga.

Krav Maga is
a personal defense system.

Attack me and I'll parry.

- Can I do anything I want?
- Anything.

Stop!

Dad!

This way.

What happened?

He defended me.

Nicola, can we talk a moment?

Come on, we'll get a drink.

Come on.

You took your daughter
to a den of whores.

Whores... an ordinary lap dance.

- You broke your son's arm.
- And you, your daughter's heart.

- How far do we go?
- Depends on your motivation.

I'll win, I always do.

You don't seem motivated,
your eyes have a different look.

- I perceive a doubt.
- You're too weak.

Or you wouldn't run to your
Florence Nightingale for reassurance.

- Reassurance about what?
- Your virility.

- Don't get any closer!
- Come here.

- Come here.
- I'll hurt you.

Good.

How's that for level of motivation?

You whore!

- Why don't you report her?
- That's what she wants.

Does it hurt?

She'll pay for this.

I know a medicine
that gets rid of...

Not now, sorry!

Darling!

Pardon?

- Are you bullshitting me?
- No!

Two meals at the cafeteria
entitle you to call me "darling"?

No, c'mon!

You think you're a sex god
because you hold up for two hours,

but I'm certain
you have a prostrate problem.

No, Valeria... Melania!

- Thank you.
- Have a seat.

Good evening, Armida.

- You take her every weekend?
- When I can.

The rest home's not bad
but here is better.

- What is it?
- Citron juice.

I haven't had any since 1982!

- I buy it for Mom.
- She's doing well.

With Alzheimer's
there's no getting well.

She doesn't even know me anymore.

Listen, Nicola...

- You can stay as long as you like.
- Thank you.

But be careful.

Desertion, even for just a few days,

can lose child custody for you.

- It can?
- Of course.

- You're sure?
- Absolutely.

- And if I rented an apartment?
- Even worse.

In fact, unforgivable!

- Absolutely.
- Certainly!

Five bathrooms,
three baths, triple living room,

deluxe furnishings,

a 360-degree panorama
with a view of the Cathedral.

On clear days, you see
both mountains and sea.

- Noise?
- None.

We're 40% below market price
for this area.

- In other words, a deal.
- Certainly.

No, it's no good.

No good at all, no, no...

This turbine can't take
400 megawatts.

Get to work!

- In great shape, huh?
- I'm rid of Nicola.

No! Really?

Excellent!

No, it's too peaceful here.

Too peaceful!

No, no.

The judge will slay him.

Think so?

Of course!

Desertion during divorce?

He can forget his kids.

Damned bastard.

My father's desertion
scarred me for life.

It's almost my worst memory.

- Why "almost"?
- I have a worse one.

What's that?

When my mother
introduced me to a person

who distanced me from her for good.

- Who?
- Her new companion.

An asshole.

I will not tolerate incompetence!

Don't complain if heads roll.

Four floors with no elevator.

We're on the same wave length!

Good, good.

What's this stench?

There's a dump out front.

Excellent!

It's closed on weekends.

That noise?

It's the "Murderous Grappa",
a place for kids.

"Murderous Grappa"...

There it is!

But it's open only on weekends.

So...

either there's noise or smell.

Yes, unfortunately.

I need them together.
C'mon, we can do it!

Together!

I need the two together.

Like you say:
"a particular object", together.

Together.

Bye, Dad.

Hi.

Hi, Mom.

Hi, kids, come right in.

- You're so pretty.
- What did you do?

What elegance!

I'd like to you meet someone.

Go on!

Here they are, Giulietto,
Viola and Matteo.

Good evening.

Please, call me Gianrico.

They're darlings, a bit wild.

But ever so cute.

You hid them from me for so long.

The trouble is
their father is too permissive,

letting them do what they want.

An obsolete form
of autarkic education.

Nicola has always been a kind of...

hippy!

- Really?
- An inveterate airhead.

Joints?

In the recent election
he voted for...

A total state of confusion!

Now do you see?

They're lacking a real father figure.

A reference that lays down rules.

- Mom, what are you saying?
- She's right.

You need a paternal reference now,

a modern father, a new father.

We understand.

You and I will get along very well.

Good, our little Matteo.

Giulietto.

Punctilious, like his mother.

And I can't forget
when one of my dependents

asked me for vacation in February,

I said: "I'll give you
the 29th, 30th and 31st"

and it wasn't even leap year.

That's funny!

Leap year...

To honor Gianrico's presence,

I did pasta, potatoes and pork rinds.

Wow! Light...

Yes!

Sausage and broccoli.

It's fantastic.

Last, but not least,

a pasta omelet.

A big applause!

Gianrico, may I start with you?

Don't trouble yourself.

Seeing the irrepressible enthusiasm
of your offspring,

we could impose on one of them,
one at random,

like, Matteo.

Why not?

Or maybe you feel
you can't even slice an omelet?

Sorry, you mean me?

I'm wrong? Matteo or Giulietto?

- Matteo.
- Stand up, hop to it, serve!

We're not on vacation, energy, vigor!

Your mother is not a slave,

we're all in the same boat,
called "family".

- Who's this guy?
- I don't understand.

- Who are you?
- Bertelli Gianrico.

Mr. Bertelli from now on.
Go to your room!

Learn to respect those
who respect your mother.

Mom, say something!

They have to learn
or they'll get the upper hand.

You're right.

Stop playing with balls of bread.

We don't feed birds at the table!
Are you St. Francis?

If you take him, I'll take dope.

- What did he say?
- Nothing, nothing!

Thank you for the wonderful evening.

- I should go so soon?
- Yes, it's late...

It's no problem for me.

I have to be at the worksite at 8.

I'll give you half a day off.

Look... it was all so intense,

I wouldn't want
to ruin a perfect evening.

I don't want to ruin it,
I want to culminate it.

Gianrico!

I'm a woman of sound principles.

I know you're
a man of sound principles

who loves women of sound principles
who love men of sound principles.

A man of sound principles
can't help but esteem

a woman of sound principles.

In fact, I esteem you.

So, a man of sound principles who
esteems a woman of sound principles,

what does he do?

What does he do?

No!

There must be a misunderstanding.

Evidently.

See you tomorrow at the worksite.

Remember, punctual.

Gianrico!

Here we are,
this is the new house, see?

I'm sure we'll all
live together just great.

This is our house.

Here's the walkway, the garden's
to the left and right.

- This sucks!
- There are pigeon nests.

I didn't want to send them away,
they're sick.

Welcome!

Come on in, what do you say?

Like it? Not bad, huh?

Who's she?

- Aunt Armida!
- Isn't she dead?

No, Grandma's dead, Aunt Armida
is her sister and in great shape.

- Say hello to Aunt Armida.
- Hello.

Hi.

Aunt Armida will be staying
with us for a while,

I can't afford a rest home
after the divorce.

- Just one bedroom?
- Yes, we'll all sleep together!

Isn't it beautiful?

C'mon, let's settle in,

we'll close this,
dampness is bad for our aunt.

We have to get the house ready,

get dinner and wash auntie.

Auntie, a little more.

Pass the jam.

Dad, do you mind
if I have my party at Mom's house?

Absolutely not!

How are you, Aunt Armida?

Welcome to the enchanted castle.

Who wants to break the piñata

and free the candies?

Giulietto, want to come
and free the candies?

If you don't take initiative,

this thing
won't shit them out by itself.

Hola, what is este evento social?

What are you doing here?

It's obvious!
I am Don Diego de la Vega.

- Get out.
- Maravillosa!

Cut it out.

Who is this espléndida princesa?

Knock it off.

Chico, this is a gift para ti.

Giulietto de la Vega.

- A vacuum cleaner?
- I hope you don't have one.

Get out, it's my day today.

Want free reign for your dwarf?

And your little nurse?

Cut it out! Giulietto is pissed off.

It's your father's fault,
get mad at him.

Want to ruin the party?

Want to ruin your little boy's party?

I never want to see you again,
we've decided, we're with Dad.

No, what? Don't talk
to your mother like that.

- Dad!
- Shut up!

What did I say?

He slapped me.

And that makes two.

- Mom, stop!
- Don't butt in.

- Don't butt in.
- You're both crazy.

Stop it!

Why, Nicola?

Let's go... you're out of your mind.

Definitely!

I gave one more than you.

I wouldn't say so.

Bitch!

Bitch!

I'll kill you!

Bitch!

Get out of here!

Come on, let's go.

Not my computer!

No, Valeria!

Stop, you bitch!

It never dies!

I'll kill you!

Come here!

This is the way!

Bitch!

We never want to see you again.
Matteo, Viola, Giulietto.

- We found them.
- Are they all right?

- Where?
- At the bus terminal.

Don't worry, your aunt's there too.

What aunt?

I'll tell you later...

What aunt?

You're a psychopath.

- Let's go home, Mom.
- Bye, auntie.

We've been such idiots.

Let's go home now.

We love you.

We sure do.

What happened?

Oh God!

You win.

We agree to the divorce.

Maybe it's for the best.

We finally did it!

It wasn't so complicated after all.

Goodbye.

7 months later

Dad!

Hi!

You've grown so much!

How was Sweden?

- The Swedish are so cool!
- Did you see moose?

Yes!

- Mom?
- She went to get a trolley.

You're all so beautiful.

Hi.

- It's a joke.
- No.

It's a girl.

A girl?

Regarding custody, what do we do?

Mom or Dad?