Modern Vampires (1998) - full transcript

[mysterious music]

[woman vocalizing]

[engine rumbling]

[music continues]

- [radio clicks]
- [rock music]

♪ I got a red car with blue tail lights ♪

♪ Shiny red seats with piping in white ♪

♪ Leopard skin dash with a louvered hood ♪

♪ She goes ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba when
she's running good ♪

♪ Let's go ♪

♪ Ride into the mountains above ♪



♪ It's low ♪

♪ My big red rocket of love ♪

♪ My big red rocket of love ♪

♪ I got a little honey you
just got to know ♪

♪ Driving this bomb as fast it will go ♪

♪ Drive the red rocket past
the local dive ♪

♪ She goes
ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba in overdrive ♪

♪ Let's go ♪

♪ Ride into the mountains above ♪

♪ It's low ♪

♪ My big red rocket of love ♪

♪ My big red rocket of love ♪

[heavenly music]

- [upbeat music]
- [woman vocalizing]



Get in.

- [radio clicks]
- [rock music]

♪ Pushers, the pushers real as ♪

♪ The perfect Jesus ♪

♪ The perfect pressure ♪

♪ Of the safest side ♪

♪ Of the safest side ♪

♪ Of the safest side ♪

So, what's your name?

What do you give a shit what my name is?

Aren't you worried I'm a cop?

[snarls]

Uh, I think maybe a condom's in order,
here, huh?

- [bottle crashes]
- [Nico growls]

[loud buzzing]

[lightning crackles]

[Nico moaning]

[mysterious music]

[Nico growls]

- [gun thuds]
- [screams]

- [upbeat music]
- [woman vocalizing]

[upbeat jazz music]

Isn't this fabulous, Harry?

- Harold.
- Harold.

Richard!

Oh, wonderful show.

I understand the artist died just
after you signed him.

Yes.
Such a shock.

Terrible, really.
He was such a difficult young man.

So talented, so tortured.

- We--
- Stop whining, Richard.

I happen to know that his works
have tripled in value

since he died and you're making a killing.

What happened to him?

Someone broke into his loft

and beat him to death with a hammer.

It's absolu--absolutely tragic.

You are so terrible, Richard.

[laughs]

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Some people I know just came in.

I must go say hello.
Excuse me.

[laughs]

Now that's what I call a caring guy.

Who, Richard?
Ugh, isn't he awful?

So, Harold, what do you do?

I'm a producer.

Really?

Have you ever done any
hardcore pornography?

I'm in television.

I see that now, you're very short.

You know what you can do with that, lady?

You can... [whispers indistinctly]

That is the most vulgar
proposition I've heard all day.

Why don't we go to my place

and find out if it's humanly possible?

Dallas!

What on Earth?
It's been 20 years!

Hello, Ulrike.

Aren't you gonna introduce me
to your friend?

Well, I would, but I can't
remember his name.

Harold Cohen.

How about those Dodgers, Harold?

Harry here wants to try something
really disgusting on me.

So, why don't you make
yourself comfortable?

[Harold] It's Harold.

[sultry music]

Take those clothes off, Harold!

[chuckles]

Oh, you're such a plump and
juicy little mister.

- [Ulrike growls]
- [Harold screaming]

Dallas, come and get it.

[Dallas snarls]

- [Dallas growls]
- [loud buzzing]

[lightning crackles]

If I'd known you were coming,

I would have found someone larger.

So, you need any help
cleaning up this mess?

Oh, don't bother, darling.

I use a service.

You're joking.

It's run by the Count.

So, how is the old monster?

Oh, still the same.

But, if you are smart,
you will avoid any confrontation.

I'm sure his feelings have not
softened towards you.

Made any new bloodsuckers
while I've been away?

The Count hasn't let us work
the change in years.

But there is this trashy little female

running around in Hollywood,
posing as a prostitute.

If anybody knows anything about her,
they aren't talking.

[body cracking]

What's she like?

Why are you so interested?

I'm always interested in new faces.

They call her the Hollywood Slasher.

And the Count isn't concerned?

Well, of course he's concerned,
but hey, you know,

what is he going to do?
She keeps escaping his people.

I hear it's driving him crazy.

I'll just bet.

Dallas, [clearing throat] please.

[loud buzzing]

[lightning crackles]

[Nico panting]

[Nico groans]

- [upbeat funky music]
- Yo, baby!

Wanna talk to you for a little bit.

Hey, listen.

I feel like shit and I'm in a hurry.

Yeah, I can see that, baby,
but it's all good.

I got a little
something-something for you.

- [vomiting]
- [woman screams]

Fuck.

[elegant orchestral music]

Excuse me, I'm looking for a young man.

He's about 20 years of age.

Probably came in her last night, no?

What is your party's name, sir?

I don't know, he uses so
many different names.

I'll tell you, he has
extraordinarily white skin.

Can't help you without a name, sir.

You don't understand,
this man has all sorts of names!

The point is that he is dangerous!

He is not 20!

He's ancient!

Sir, would you please lower your voice?

You're telling me,

Dr. Van Helsing from Vienna,
to lower his voice?

[speaking German]

Sir, you'll have to leave
the premises now.

Dr. Van Helsing has to leave the--

These people can take over
the entire world for God's sakes!

We are in danger!

They are vampires!

You hear me?

These people are demons,
I'm talking about!

They control the international press!

They control the international banking!

They drink blood!

[upbeat music]

[both purring]

The ad is: "Wanted, a strong
and brave young man

who's not afraid, brave, B-R-A-V-E,

who's not afraid to get his hands dirty

in a cause that is holy."

Holy like church.

Ho--H-O-L-Y!

[upbeat jazz music]

[chuckles]

[all] Surprise!

[Dallas]
Vincent! Panthia!

Richard, how are you?

- Lovely to see you.
- Panthia, you look

lovely as ever.

And how is the little one?

Well.

He just moved.

- Did you feel it?
- I think so.

How she loves that baby.

How long have you been expecting now?

Oh, 115 years of joy.

Yeah, thank God she can't have
the fucking thing.

- [Dallas laughs]
- How long are you gonna

be in town for?

- I'm not sure.
- I've just found the most

wonderful house in North Hollywood.

A home for battered wives.

Perhaps you'd like to join me
for a bloody massacre?

God, you're still one sick fuck of
a vampire, Vincent.

Well, why don't I pick you up next week,
and we'll have an evening of fun.

I'm going to slip into something
much more comfortable.

And then we'll all go out

and we'll celebrate Dallas's return to LA.

- Ah.
- Yes? [laughs]

[chattering indistinctly]

[mysterious music]

No!

[yelps]

[group laughs]

This is Dr. Van Helsing.

I'm watching them.

I didn't know there was
this many involved.

It's a larger concentration.

I don't know how
the Institute overlooked it.

I'm going to try to gauge and investigate

the extent of this infestation.

And God help us all, huh?

[crickets chirping]

[upbeat dance music]

[man] I have a feeling it was a waste.

- [man 2] No!
- It was a waste!

[upbeat dance music]

LA's become quite a mecca
for our type, Dallas.

- [Richard laughs]
- [woman whimpering]

Ah, this is really something!

[woman screams]

There's never been anything quite like it.

Oh, excuse me, love.

[screams]

[woman screams]

[Richard growls]

[Richard laughs]

- [woman screams]
- [Richard growls]

- [cage rattling]
- [woman screams]

[music continues]

No!
I'm an attorney!

You can't do this!

Stop!

I'll sue every last one of you!

No! Let me go!

Please! No!

[screams]

Two black and tan.

[Ulrike laughs]

[man screams]

- Hello.
- [group screams]

[attorney screams]

Ooh, is he Italian?

I was wanting Italian tonight.

[all screaming]

Shit.

Hello, wanker.

[Dallas] What do you want?

Me master would like to have
a word with you.

- I'll be right back.
- Mm.

[Dallas] Hello, Count.

It's been a long time.

What do you want in my lovely city?

Well, I'm just here on a visit.

Visit?

I'll give you three days

to enjoy the city and see the sights.

After that, I want you to slither back

into the rancid, putrid hole that
you crawled out from.

I hadn't heard I'd been exiled.

Are you going to let this impertinent ass

ruin such a wonderful dinner?

Shut up.

[Richard] Dallas!

Something wrong old boy?

[music continues]

Dallas, what is wrong?

Is it the Count?

Something going on?

Dallas had words with the Count.

Shit. I think we'd better
get out of here, then.

I'll go get Vincent and Panthia.

All right. Pinkie.

Thank you.

Look, everyone hates me

and it's all because of that
Nazi Van Helsing.

Well, it takes time
for people to forget, Dallas,

but they do, they do.

30 years, 30 fucking years of putting up

with the whispers and
the sidelong glances.

You know, I didn't have a choice,
all right?

Have I ever said otherwise?

- [upbeat music]
- [people screaming]

[saw buzzing]

[screaming]

All right, get in.

It's very interesting,
they come in and out

of this big building that's
some kind of an establishment.

I don't know, maybe club or something.

Evidently, it's popular.
I don't know, but there are many.

It's an infestation.

[Richard] ♪ Yee-haw ♪

♪ She'll be coming around
the mountain when she comes ♪

I'm glad to see you again, Dallas.

It's not often we have visitors.

Let's kill some people together real soon.

- See you.
- [Richard] Goodbye, Vincent.

Goodnight, remember to
pull your drapes!

♪ She'll be coming around
the mountain when she comes ♪

♪ Yee-haw ♪

♪ It's your nutty nigga, how you figure
you can take my shit and break ♪

♪ Try that shit you thinking 'bout
and hollow point gon' lead your wake ♪

♪ 'Cause ain't no jacking me ♪

♪ For no green, we done no dividends ♪

♪ Niggas get they shit blew up,
so motherfucker ♪

♪ Best of friends ♪

♪ Killing his so-so block,
or straight up pull out his Glock ♪

♪ He's been shot, took his knot ♪

♪ Left him in the parking lot,
no mercy on the enemy ♪

Ja. Coming.

Ja, what is it?

[man] Yo, I called about the job.

Oh, yeah.
Yeah, come in.

Come in, come in, come in.

Uh, yeah, my name is Dr. Van Helsing.

Yeah, people call me Time Bomb.

That's some old dubious shit
you got there on that bed, Doc.

Tell me something, what do you
know about vampires?

I know a lot, you know what I'm saying?

I watch TV.
You know what I'm saying?

Aha, well, I tell you what
I'm willing to do.

I am going to give you
1,000 dollars a week,

plus 1,000 dollars for every
drinker of blood we destroy.

[chuckles]

Yeah, all right.
Whatever.

You don't believe in vampires?

Yo.

Long as you writing them checks, Doc,

I'll fuck up anybody you say.

I don't understand this.

You're telling me you don't
believe in vampires,

yet you're willing to drive a stake
through someone's heart?

Yo, I need this job.

That bad?

Yeah.

Okay.

You can consider yourself an employee

of Dr. Van Helsing's Institute of Vienna.

[mysterious orchestral music]

[whispering] Open it.

- What's this?
- Shh! For God's sake.

[Van Helsing] There you are!

[Time Bomb whispering]
Hey, yo, there's somebody in here, Doc.

[Van Helsing]
You don't have to worry.

He can't do anything as long
as it's daylight.

So, behold the vampire.

Yo, this guy's dead as shit, man.

[chuckles] That's what you think. Watch.

- [dramatic music]
- Ooh.

Van Helsing?

Shit, that freak said your name, man!

That's right.

His kind, they all know my name.

All right, my friend,
your days of evil are over.

You Nazi fuck!

How is your son?

Don't you mention my son,
you filthy-mouthed creature!

Your son, Van Helsing,
is screaming in Hell.

Screaming your name!

- Shut up!
- [Vincent] In Hell!

Here.

You take the hammer.
I'll take the stake.

Yo, yo, yo, maybe I'd better
take the stake, man.

- No, no, no, no.
- I'm on probation, man.

I don't wanna fuck that up.

[Van Helsing]
Never mind the probation!

We haven't got time to lose!

The sun goes down, he comes alive,
he destroys both of us!

You have to strike.

You strike with all your might.

Now, for God's sake, hit him, will you?

[groans]

What's the matter with you, man?

You're gonna have to finish by yourself.

Aw, shit, man!

It's my heart.

[Time Bomb] Fuck, man.

I get my bonus for this, right?

Ja! Kill!

In the name of God,
kill, kill, kill, kill!

Jesus Christ, do it!

- [hammer clangs]
- [groaning]

- [dramatic music]
- [Van Helsing] Kill!

- [hammer thuds]
- [screams]

- [hammer thuds]
- [Van Helsing] Kill!

- [hammer thuds]
- [hissing]

Kill, kill, kill!

[hammer thudding]

- [intense music]
- [groaning]

[screaming]

God, man...

See you in Hell.

In Hell.

Shit.

Yo, that's gotta be the worst shit
I've seen in my life, man.

Now you will take the saw from the box

and you separate his head from his body.

Say what?

I said, if you want your bonus,

you take the saw from the box

and you separate his head from his body!

Jesus Christ, do it!

You want the money?

Then do it!
Take the saw, in the name of God!

Do it!

Do it!

Do it!

Do it!

Yeah!

- Do it!
- [shouting]

Do it!

Do it!

- [shouts]
- Do it!

- Take it!
- [grunts]

Thank you.

Fuck.

Almighty God.

[growls]

[engine rumbling]

Want a date?

Hop in.

- [radio clicks]
- [rock music]

♪ Standing here for the runaway ♪

♪ Even from here I can hear
a thousand voices ♪

♪ Shimmering, resounding ♪

♪ To be irreverent ones ♪

♪ To be irreverent ones ♪

♪ And we will rise ♪

[crickets chirping]

- So, how long have--
- Shh.

Listen.

What?

Can't you hear it?

What?

The beating of your heart.

- [bottle shatters]
- [Dallas groans]

[loud buzzing]

[Nico moaning]

[panting]

- [gasps]
- Ooh, that was great.

[winds blowing]

[panting]

[sultry music]

[both moaning]

You like it, don't you?

Yes.

[moaning]

Okay, okay, that's it.

Any more and I'm gonna get sick.

What do you want with me?

I wanna help you.

Yeah, right.

You don't even know me.

I know there's a whole bunch
of bad characters out there

ready to kill you.

Oh, yeah?

Well, I'm gonna make them wish
they was never born.

That won't do you any good.

There's a powerful Count out there
that wants you dead.

He uses mortals for security.

Mortals, hear me?
Now, you've killed a few.

Next time, you'll be up against
vampires just like us.

You won't stand a chance.

I don't get it.

What did I ever do to this Count guy?

Everyone's afraid you're
gonna get arrested.

You know what will happen then?

The whole world will know vampires exist.

And the human race
will hunt us down like rats.

So, to us, you're dangerous.

Yeah, well, you know something?

I am dangerous.

No, you're not dangerous.
Just stupid.

Hey! I'm the one holding the gun, okay?

So that makes me smart, and you stupid.

Better take the safety off then.

Look, if I wanted you dead,

I would've killed you when
you got in the car.

Would've been so easy.

[snarls]

[Tlme Bomb] What was that shit
that freak was saying about your son?

I mean, hey, if you don't
wanna talk about it,

it's all right.

No, that's all right.

It's all right, it's just
nearly 20 years ago,

there was this vampire.

And he wanted revenge and
he chose the most heinous

and cowardly way, you know, to do it

to my crippled son.

Hans.

What he do?

He held out false hope he'd walk again.

He plied him with lies and he seduced him.

And then, finally,

he made him one of them.

So, he made your boy a vampire?

[Van Helsing] Ja.

His mother tried to hide
the facts from me,

but every night,
she would go to visit the cemetery,

visit his grave and then she wouldn't
come back until dawn.

Then, one night, I followed her,

and she went into the mausoleum

the Van Helsings have always had

for their final resting place.

I watched in horror as my Frieda
entered the mausoleum.

The sun was going down and
I knew I only had a few moments to act.

I knew that our Hans
was not our Hans anymore.

He was now a monstrous evil,

with a doting mother to watch over him.

Hey, Frieda, get out!
Out, out, go!

Out, get out! You have to--

- No!
- Out of here!

Father, no! Father, no! No!

- [Hans groaning] No!
- [Frieda sobbing]

No! [sobbing] No!

[Van Helsing] Die!

Mama, Mama!

[groans]

It hurts!

No!

So, what happened to your old lady?

She drank, uh, drank rat poison.

That's some cold shit, man.

And the vampire who did it
is in this city now.

No shit?

And I have sworn I kill him.

I have sworn, on the soul of my son,
I destroy him.

So help me God.

You live in there?

Yeah, you happy now?

- No, are you?
- I'm not complaining.

I'd like you to tell me your memories
of your life before all this.

Before what?

Before you became what you are now.

That's a hard question.

You know, this place is a rat hole.

Yeah, well, you know, it's my rat hole,
okay?

Come on, let's go.

Will you relax?

If I go with you,
you promise you'll bring me

right back here whenever I want?

I promise.

Ulrike.

Ulrike.

Richard. Ulrike.

Dead woman.

Meet the Hollywood Slasher.

[Ulrike snarls]

Are you insane, bringing
this creature here?

[chuckles]
Calm yourself, Ulrike.

Well, well.

Hello, my dear.

Very nice to meet you at last.

Dallas, I knew you were irresponsible,

but I think you might be
mentally unbalanced.

Let me kill her now

before the Count finds out
and destroys us all.

Oh, yeah, you fucking bitch?
How about I blow your head off right now?

Now, now, ladies. Don't fight.

Oh, you are insane.

This creature must die.

Look, Dallas, you promised that
you'd take me home

whenever I wanted.

[Dallas] Would you just--
just wait a minute, all right?

Ulrike, I really need your help with this.

Very well.

If you are going to bring her here,
I insist you bathe her.

She smells like one of those
disgusting homeless people.

And I will not have it.

You do need a bath, kid.

Give me that!

It'll be all right.

When did you last bathe, monster?

Oh, look at these filthy, disgusting rags!

She probably died in them.

Oh, well, that's great.
What am I supposed to wear?

Oh, don't worry, I'll find you
something much better.

So, how old are you?

I don't know!

Look at this, Richard.
What do you think?

[Richard]
Oh, they're cute little things.

I'd say she's been with us 20, 25 years--

Do you mind getting your fucking
fingers out of my mouth?

- 20, 25 years.
- [Richard laughing]

Hmm.

With the cigars, out!

Go!

Okay, my little icky-pooh.

Now I clean you for real.

I have a lot of experience with this.

In Germany, we do it all the time.

- Sit up.
- [Nico groans]

[Richard] I like your young lady.

Of course,
you Yankee doodle Air Force types

get all the hot, young trumpets, don't ya?

You know, I haven't flown anything
since I was shot down in '43.

Really?

Well, it's lucky the local
vampires needed your help

getting their green cards.

[chuckles]
How time flies.

You know, these are rather nice.

- Cuban?
- A Cuban seed.

Nicaraguan.

Pretty cool Jag, you and the missus
seem to be doing well.

Eh, all right, I suppose.

Although, if it hadn't of
been for the equity,

Panthia and I hadn't those Florida condos,

we'd have had to start again from scratch.

What, did you take out a second mortgage?

Well, I had to when I...

Hello.

[gentle orchestral music]

When I bought the gallery.

Thanks to stinking LA nouveau,
we paid it off this year.

Dallas, here is your child.

Look at you.

I wanna go home now, okay?

It's gonna be sunrise soon.

Dallas, we need to talk.

I'll be right back.

I know you are responsible for
that creature in there.

Do not even try and deny it.

Am I missing something here?

Can't you see the way he looks at her?

So?

Oh, Richard, you are so dense.

He made her.

He is the one responsible for
turning that little cunt

into the vampire she is today.

How can you possibly know that?

Because I know.

All right?

Oh, Dallas.

You've been a very naughty boy,
haven't you?

I don't want her to know, all right?

[Richard chuckles]

Burn her, Dallas.

Nobody's burning anyone.

I fucking mean it.

[Richard] You have to admit, Dallas,

you've put us all in danger
by bringing her here.

[indistinct chattering]

If anyone asks, you can just say
she's visiting from Europe.

- [Richard laughs]
- Europe?

That little white trash thing?

And what are we supposed to do, huh,

when she starts killing the bellboys

and draw attention to herself?

She won't do that, okay?

[heavenly music]

[upbeat music]

[dog barking]

[snarls]

Wake up. Look.

They're here.

[Time Bomb] I ain't never seen
no vampires carrying no gun, Doc.

Maybe you oughta bring some
heavier weapons on this,

you know what I'm saying?

It's all right, when the sun comes up,
then it's our turn.

Fuck.

Did you see a young girl just now?

Sans clothes and carrying a pistol?

[dramatic music]

Do you know how dangerous that was,
walking through the street like that?

Your friends are all a bunch of snobs,
you know that?

Motherfucking wetbacks with
their big-ass words,

running around telling
American citizens what to do.

Look, the sun's gonna come up soon.

Well, what do you want me to do about it?

I have to get in there with you.

I guess you're probably not used to this,
huh?

But if you're too hoity-toity,

you can always stay out here and sizzle.

[Dallas] You don't even know how long
you've been walking the streets, do you?

Don't you wanna have friends?

Someone you can talk to?

People you can feel comfortable with?

[Nico] I do okay.

[Dallas] Catch a movie, go dancing?

- [Nico] You go dancing?
- [Dallas] Sure, I go dancing.

[Nico]
I'd like to go dancing sometime.

[Dallas]
Well, maybe I'll take you one night.

[mysterious music]

Hey.

Yo, Doc.

She could be anywhere, man.

Yeah.

We find the little bloodsucker,

I tell you, I'll drive a stake
through her heart.

And that would be absolutely
[speaks German].

Yo, don't you think there's too
many of these freaks

for us to be handling them by ourselves?

What, you losing your courage?

Nah. I'm just thinking, you know,
maybe it's a good idea

to call in some of the brothers,
you know what I'm saying, to help out.

Brothers? What--what's brothers,
a new religious order?

Yeah, the royal order of the Crips.

I don't understand.
The only thing I know royal order,

or anything like that, is St. Crispus.

Nah, man, it's an American thing.

Just chill, all right?

Oh, come on, you can't stand there.

We have to move!

You want to catch something,
you know you have to pursue.

I mean, vengeance has to be relentless!

Come on, we must move.

[Time Bomb]
Let me ask you a question, man.

- What?
- Think we could fight her if we had to?

A vampire?

They are superhuman.

You can't fight them. You can kill them
with a stake through the heart,

but fight, physically, forget it.

You couldn't do it.

[Time Bomb]
We're gonna wind up with our balls

in a schnitzel [indistinct]
this motherfucker.

Vampire killers.

Where did you get schnitzel from?

[dramatic music]

[gun clicks]

- [gun firing]
- [bullets ricocheting]

[upbeat rock music]

[indistinct shouting]

- What the fuck is that?
- Oh, that's him! I'm sure that's him!

- Let's go! Get the fuck outta here!
- That's Dallas! I'll get you, Dallas!

- I get you!
- [Time Bomb] Come on!

- [gun clicking]
- Fuck.

[music continues]

You can never come back here now.

What are you talking about?

That old man is Dr. Van Helsing.

He's a professional vampire killer.

You shithead, this is all your fault!

I'm fucking homeless now!

You hit me.

Look, I don't have time to play
games with you, all right?

So unless you wanna die,
you're gonna have to do

everything I tell you
from here on out, understand?

Okay.

Fine.

Now go put on those clothes.

Fine.

[elegant orchestral music]

[knocking on door]

Richard.

[knocking on door]

Dallas. Come in.

Ah, I was wondering when
you'd be bringing--

- Well, well.
- your little protégé over.

Well, this is a surprise.

Van Helsing's here in town.

Oh, shit.

Van Helsing? Here? In LA?

Yeah, and he's not alone.

He's got some guy working for him.

Stranger, I've never seen him before.

That wasn't no stranger.

That was a Crip.

Some sort of local youth club.

Whatever. Van Helsing knows
where she sleeps now,

so I've gotta find a place
for her that's safe.

I'm afraid to leave her at Ulrike's.

She's too unstable.

But it would be the greatest pleasure

for Richard and I to have
this little creature with us.

Am I right, Richard?

Oh, but look, she's so precious.

Oh, my dear, you're going to need
an entire makeover.

You have to understand that image,
ah-ah, is everything here.

So come along.

You can call me Aunt Panthia.

She's been pining for that fucking
rugrat for so long,

I think my wife's finally
adopted your protégé.

I've got to do something
about Van Helsing.

Well, if you do find him, then what?

You think I'm incapable of killing him.

Well, you tell me.

He's dead meat.

You two can forget about
Van Helsing for now

because if you really wanna save a woman,

this girl needs to go shopping with me,

because when I say I go shopping,
I mean it.

I go shopping.

Oh, Dallas, you got any money?

Please?

And Richard, [indistinct]?

[Dallas]
I don't know how much I got here.

Ah, thank you.

Not to worry, dear.

It's just money.

Will you join us?

[upbeat music]

[Richard] Be still my beating trousers.
[growls]

Yo, Panthia, you spent all our money yet?

Oh, I can assure you she will have.

It was worth every penny.

- [Richard] Mm-hm.
- Take a seat, please.

[Richard] Mm-hm.

Ready to see the beauty?

- Voila.
- [gentle orchestral music]

Two thumbs up.

[both] Way up.

[woman] Um, you don't have to put her
in those green shoes

with the blue shirt and
the shiny eye shadow.

- It's just too much.
- Hey, listen, if you're gonna talk to me,

then why don't you say it
straight to my face?

[laughs]
Excuse me?

Ah, well, what do you think now?

You like it?

Of course I do.

My dear, you're so delicious.

All peaches and cream.

Thank you, Aunt Panthia.

What a pleasure.

[Panthia moans]

Excuse me, is anybody going to be
paying for anything?

Would you like to give me
your credit card?

'Cause I have to close in five minutes.
I have a party to go to.

Oh, go on, kill the fucking bitch.

Go on, rip her fucking lungs out.

Come on, you little rascal.

[roaring]

[screaming]

Jolly good.

- [Nico roaring]
- [Richard chuckles]

[continues roaring]

- [continues roaring]
- [Panthia] Oh!

- Darling.
- [Nico roars]

[panting]

Darling, this is not the way we kill.

You know, this is
a very talented young lady.

Well, I'm afraid that
this outfit is ruined.

[continues panting]

Hello? Yes, could we have a pick up
at 1123 Hollywood Boulevard?

[Nico roars]

Yes.

Yes, credit card will be fine, thank you.

Could you come around the back?

I don't know.

This is a strange place to meet a brother.

Don't worry about it, Doc.

- What's up, cuz?
- Yo, yo!

This is the guy I was telling you about,
Dr. Van Helsing.

Doc, these are my fellas right here.

This right here's my man Soda Pop.

What's up, Doc?

- Soda Pop?
- Yeah, Soda Pop.

Right here's my man, Li'l Monster.

[shotgun clacks]

[Li'l Monster] What's shaking, Gramps?

Little Monster, yeah.

And last but not least,
my main man, Trigger.

What's up, Gramps?

You know why they call me Trigger?

After all this, I don't have
the slightest idea.

'Cause I'm the illest
gunslinger in the set.

[Soda Pop] Why you lying, man?

[Li'l Monster]
'Cause he look like Mr. Ed.

Hey, man, shut up,
with your receding hairline.

Please, please, please!
No, no, please!

Let's not have any argument.

This is very serious business here.

We're dealing with vampires.

Now listen to me carefully.

Bullets can stop a vampire,

but not destroy him, you understand?

Garlic, in this case,
is stronger than bullets.

Man, ain't no garlic
stronger than no guns.

Yo, yo, the Doc knows what
he's talking about.

Chill.

["Psycho Dwarf 2" by The Beatnuts]

Oh, please, please, stop the music!

Will you please stop it?
You're driving me crazy!

This is serious business!

We are dealing with vampires here!

Hey, man, we gotta have some
sounds before we party,

so why don't you just get with it?

Party?
What are you talking about, party?

You understand, I'm talking about people
who live off human blood!

I'm talking about people
who destroy things!

I'm talking about bad, bad people!

- You're talking about us, right?
- [all laugh]

Don't worry, just drive.

That's your man, Bomb.

- Your man, that's your man, Bomb.
- [laughing]

♪ Set the show, wet a hoe
with my super dick ♪

♪ Nut, then I got ghost ♪

♪ You got to be clean in between,
not gross ♪

♪ I bust the illy style
your ears ain't used to ♪

[siren wailing]

There's life here, Dallas.

[Nico sniffing]

Stay in the van.

Put your hands on the wheel.

Take out your license and registration.

[Van Helsing] I must not be delayed!

Hey, we got Crips.

Passengers in the van,

step out of the vehicle one at a time.

Place your hands over your heads.

Now.

[crickets chirping]

[Dallas panting]

[snarls]

[gentle orchestral music]

[panting]

[music continues]

[music continues]

[Nico moaning]

[snarls]

Do you know who I am?

I am Dr. Van Helsing,

the greatest expert on
vampires in the world!

Listen, you old fart!

You're gonna shut your kraut mouth
or I'm gonna shut it for you!

- You understand me?
- Put your hands on the van!

- Get them on the van now!
- Hands on--

- Get them up there!
- [Van Helsing] I'm putting--

Shut your mouth!

Here's your speeding ticket, asshole.

- [car part cracks]
- Consider yourself lucky!

- Lucky!
- Shut your mouth!

Let's go.

I'm not a kraut!

I never knew vampires could do sex.

That's a myth.

With a good commercial lubricant,
we can go for hours.

You know, Dallas, you're a real card.

You oughta be dealt with.

[low music]

You ever watch any Christopher Lee movies?

Chris--Bruce Lee.

Listen, can't I just wait in the car?

I'm gonna freak out if I go in there.

No, you won't, trust me. This is
a great place to get a late dinner.

[man] So, you see, I've been concentrating
on nonlinear stuff mostly,

but I do have this great
screenplay that Steven Seagal,

he'd be so good for, I'm telling you.

He'd be perfect.

Really, is he an actor?

No, dear, not at all.

Oh, who's this?

Oh, this is Alan, Dallas.

He's an author.

He's very intelligent,
and look at those lashes.

Isn't he delicious? [growls]

Yeah, he's a good-looking kid.

[Richard chuckles]

What did you say to her?

Oh, my little dear,
I told her to go to the toilet

and wash the blood off her face.

- [Panthia chuckles]
- What's she talking about?

Oh, you don't want to know.
Woman's problems.

Hey, that's a nice outfit you got there.

Thanks, my aunt gave it to me.

Oh, yeah?

You got any eye shadow on you?

I'm totally out.

I'm Rachel.

Hi, I'm Nico.

[Rachel] Hey.

- Are you from around here?
- Yeah, I guess.

Yeah, me too.

So where do you go to school at?

- I don't.
- [Rachel] That's so cool.

You know, I wanted to drop out
of high school too.

My mom and dad,
they're just total fucking assholes.

Don't get it.

Would you ever wanna go out
together sometime?

Yeah, sure.

Exchange numbers.

Okay.

You know, I really like your hair,
I have to say.

- Hey!
- Like your hair too.

Have you been waiting
out here this whole time?

I'm just keeping my eye on you, okay?

Oh, this is my friend, Dallas.

Oh, what a lovely little girl.

Is she coming with us?

Oh, no, absolutely not.

She has things to do, yeah.

Oh, then say goodbye, darling.

Oh, but, Aunt Panthia, we just got here.

We have to go.

Don't worry about it, all right?
I'll call you tomorrow.

Really? You mean it?

Of course, I mean it.

Oh, wow! [moans, giggles]

[chuckles]

- [Panthia] Jealous, Dallas?
- No, I'm not jealous.

- You're not gay are you?
- No, no, no, just bi-curious.

[dramatic music]

[Count] Dallas.

And you are?

She's just a friend from out of town.

Hello, my little dove.

I know who you are.

You're that bag of shit
who wants to kill me.

- Ah.
- [laughs]

What a vicious little child.

Can I have her?

He doesn't look so badass to me.

And what do they call you, my child?

You ever hear of the Hollywood Slasher?

You bring this being here

to our place of recreation and sanctuary?

Don't look at him, fuckwad, look at me!

No, no, no, no.

She's just a little baby.

You.

We'll settle this little matter later.

You and I.

And you.

What, are you leaving?

[Count] Yes, fuckwad.

Fuckwad, I love that.

Well, that went rather well.

What should we do for an encore?

Shoot ourselves in the fucking head?

Come on, he didn't seem so tough.

Would somebody shut that disgusting
little shit the fuck up?

Do you have any idea what you just did?

- I'm talking to you!
- Oh, screw that piece of shit!

Dallas, you have to get the girl
and leave the country tonight.

He's right, we should get out of here.

Oh, I should leave the country?

Well, I got news for you,
I'm an American citizen,

and no fucking foreign bag
of shit's gonna run me

outta my own goddamn country!

- Bravo.
- [Nico] No offense to you two.

I didn't mean you guys.

None taken, dearest.

Hey, your friends are, uh,
they're kinda weird.

Oh, well, you should see them naked.

[upbeat music]

Come along, everyone.

Daddy's gonna take you all
for a lovely little ride.

[Time Bomb]
You getting paid, right, motherfuckers?

[Trigger] I ain't seen no money yet!

[indistinct]
'cause I'm tired of this shit, man.

[Van Helsing]
I'm sure there's a gas station

on a busy street like this, you know?

[speaks German] Push, push!

[crickets chirping]

[dramatic music]

Vincent's dead.

- [whimpers]
- [somber music]

We had a date.

[Ulrike crying]

I went to his house.

I found him in the bed.

[Richard] This is definitely the work
of Van Helsing.

[sobs] That bad, bad, Dr. Van Helsing.

You should have killed him
when you had the chance!

- [Richard] Shh, shh, shh.
- [crying]

His soul is free now.

- [music continues]
- [muffled upbeat rock music]

Hey, what's your problem?

One of our dearest friends is dead

in the trunk of a car outside.

Yeah, well, what do you want me to do?
Start crying?

You're empty inside.
You have no history.

That's why you're not afraid of anything.

Look, what you see, that's me, okay?

If you don't like it,
then too fucking bad!

- Come on, we're leaving.
- What do you mean we're leaving?

The sun will be up soon!

I said we're leaving, now move your ass!

Why'd you bring me here?

You don't remember this place.

Dallas, will you take me home please?

It's gonna be all right.

Trust me.

- [tense music]
- I've been here before, haven't I?

When? When was I here?

Everything will be clear to you.
Just have a little patience.

[Nico] How come you know so much about me?

When the time comes,
I'll tell you everything.

[Nico] Oh, I'm--I'm scared, Dallas.

[Dallas]
Come on. Everything's gonna be okay.

[Nico] Oh, I've got such a real bad
feeling about this.

[knocking on door]

[woman]
It's three in the goddamn morning!

Who's out there?

[Nico]
That voice, oh, my God, that voice.

Mom?

[gentle music]

Mom, it's me, Nico.

This kid here says she's Nico.

[chuckles]

Yeah, and I'm Abraham Lincoln.

I am Nico, goddammit.

You know, that's a pretty sick joke, miss.

Our Nico ran off more than 20 years ago.

You're saying you can't remember my face?

Well, ought to after doing
all that sex shit to me when I was little!

Meet my stepfather.

Where you been all these years, Nico?

Are you nuts, Wanda? That can't be Nico.

I ought to know my own daughter, George.

Oh, you got to be kidding.

Nico--she'd have to be 40 years old.

Listen, I came to see my mama, George,

so why don't you just
shut your big fat fucking mouth?

This is my trailer and I will speak

- when I please.
- My real daddy

bought this trailer, so why don't
you just shut your mouth

before I shut it for you permanent?

Why'd you come back here, Nico?

I brought her back so she'd remember.

Have you had amnesia, honey?
Is that where you been all these years?

She's probably here to ask you for money.

Be still, George.

You get fresh, Wanda,
and you're gonna be sorry.

You lay one hand on her, George,

and you're the one who's gonna be sorry,
and I mean it!

I think it's time you all cleared out.

Just say the word, kid.

[sighs]

Kill him.

- [Dallas snarls]
- No!

No! No!

- [neck cracks]
- [Wanda] No, don't touch me! Go away!

No! No! No, no!

You're some kind of demon! No!

He ain't gonna beat on you no more, Mama.

It'll be okay.

You're not my baby!

- No, no!
- Mom, it's okay!

It's me, Nico!

Go back to Hell!

[sobs] You never loved me, anyway!

- [Wanda wailing]
- You never fucking loved me!

You were a terrible mother!

I wish I never came back here!

[Wanda sobbing]

- Are you okay? Talk to me.
- I don't want to talk about it, okay?

[Nico crying]

[somber music]

[tense music]

[sobs] Can you just please
get me out of here, Dallas?

We've got company.

And they're scared.
Can you smell it?

[dramatic music]

[Nico roars]

[gunfire]

[grunting]

[guns firing]

Shit!

Bitch! [groans]

You shot me.

Shit!

You shot me.

You dirty little bitch.

Me master's gonna burn you very slowly.

And you, you bloody wanker,
I'm gonna burn you me self.

[Dallas] You wouldn't dare.

Vampire doofus flambé.

[fire roars]

- Come on!
- [screaming]

Blimey! [screaming]

Oh, shit!

[screaming]

It's hot! It's hot! [groans]

[upbeat orchestral music]

I knew Van Helsing's
institute was in Vienna,

so I figured I'd meet the legend himself

and put his lights out.

I figured I'd get him
through his son, Hans.

You killed his kid?

No, I didn't kill his kid.

He was smart and witty.

We hit it off and ended up
becoming real good friends.

And when the opportunity came
to kill the father,

I couldn't do it.

Out of loyalty to Hans.

You're a real sap, Dallas. You know that?

No wonder everyone hates you.

Do you want to hear the rest of this,
or do you want to gimme a bunch of shit?

Both. Continue.

The kid had a genetic disorder
that was killing him,

so I offered him a choice.

You know, die from the disease,
or become one of us.

Cool.

I figured Van Helsing's attitude

towards our kind would change.

You know, seeing how his kid
was a vampire and all.

What a minute.

You mean Van Helsing offed his own kid?

Put a stake right through his heart
like it was nothing.

Man, he is one sick fuck.

[music continues]

[operatic music playing]

[Ulrike whispering]
It's going to be all right.

No.

Yes.

Relax.

[woman whimpers]

[music continues]

[sighs]

[phone rings]

Hello?

Hi, Rachel, it's me, Nico.

I can't believe you called.

Yeah, I'd love to go out.

Um, oh, it's 447 Martel.

Yeah, I'll meet you outside.

Okay, I'll be waiting.

Bye.

My friend's coming over.

My friend's coming over!

My friend's coming over!

That's wonderful, my love.

Are you going to kill her?

No! No! No, fucking way! Uh-uh.

- [bright music]
- [woman vocalizing]

Hey, girlie, girl, get in.

It's so cool of you, coming over.

Of course, you know, I said I would.

[ominous music]

Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.

What do I have to do
to get you to leave the girl alone?

[chuckles]

Why don't you try sticking
your thumb up your ass

and doing a little dance?

[laughs]

Then, [chuckles]
maybe I'll think about it.

Look, she's young and
she doesn't know anything,

but I can teach her.
She's already learning.

She's learning.

She's learning.

Oh, and I bet
you're quite the teacher, Dallas.

I don't want her to learn.

I want her dead.

Damn you!

Ah, ah, ah, ah.

Look, she's no threat to us.

[Count] Dallas.

You will bring her to me.

If you don't, not only will I kill you,

I will gut you like a pig.

And everyone that you think you love,
will die screaming.

Can I have her?

Goodbye, Dallas.

It's coming, mate.

[laughs]

- [upbeat rock music]
- [laughing]

[can hissing]

[indistinct] chattering]

[group laughs]

What do I do?

Don't tell me you've never
huffed paint before.

Put the bag in your mouth and
breathe like a pig.

[can hissing]

Inhale.

Don't get any paint on you face, though,

'cause it never comes off.

[group laughs]

Fuck.

What do you think? You like that?

Yeah, it's funny. [laughs]

Damn, girl, those are big fucking teeth.

They're pretty ugly, huh?

I think they're cute.

[Nico laughs]

Love your teeth, honey.

[Nico laughs]

♪ She's got her heart struck ♪

[upbeat pop music]

I can't stand this!

This music, I don't--
so primitive and stupid, stupid!

I can't take it!

- [radio clicks]
- Hey, man! What the fuck are you doing?

I want peace and quiet
so I can concentrate!

We're doing important work
in the name of God.

- [laughs]
- [upbeat rap music]

[screams]

Hey, Van Hosier,
whatever your name is, man,

we're gonna drop you off in the car wash
and get your head waxed.

- Hey, man.
- What do you say in your language?

Chill it!

- [group laughs]
- Chill it!

- Chill it!
- [laughing]

[laughs]

- Okay, it went like this.
- [upbeat surf music]

That is the silliest dance I've ever seen.

- Come on, try this.
- What do you want me to do?

Why are you so crazy?

["Spill My Blood" by Three 6 Mafia]

[group laughs]

Oh, look out, he's busting out
the heavy artillery now.

Never mind all the jokes.
You listen to me now.

We have to wait until the sun comes up.

You understand?

In the meantime, I suggest we pray.

Yeah, fuck that! [laughs]

[Van Helsing] It's not a funny thing.

Shh, keep your voices down.

You don't understand!
We have to wait.

Until the sun rises,
they are all-powerful!

Yo, the Doc's right, man.
This vampire shit is serious, dog.

Man, and miss out on all this fun? Shit.

It's ripping time.

Hey, get out, man.

You don't know what you're getting into!

[men] Shh!

- [Van Helsing] Be quiet, try to--
- [men] Shh!

[Trigger] Go ahead, man.

Get out, man!

[indistinct chattering]

[Trigger] Go ahead, man.

[laughing]

[gentle orchestral music]

- [door thuds]
- [Soda Pop screams]

Hey, man, I just broke your door.

- [group chattering]
- [Richard] Excuse me!

- What the fuck is going on?
- [dramatic music]

[growls]

Kill him! Kill!

- Kill!
- [Richard shouts]

- [indistinct]
- Go! Strike!

- Kill him! Kill!
- Oh, oh, oh!

- [all shouting]
- [hammer thuds]

- [Richard screams]
- Kill him in the name of God!

- Destroy him!
- [hammer thudding]

[screaming]

[all shouting]

Let him go!

- [hammer thuds]
- [Richard screams]

- [stake thuds]
- [Panthia screams]

Thank you, almighty God in heaven!

[hammers thudding]

Ja, that's it, strike!

[indistinct shouting]

Ja, ja! Kill!

Jump on me like that! Yeah!

[speaks German]

[Ulrike roars]

Ja, ja!

- [group shouting]
- Let me go!

God damn.

[music continues]

You are [speaks German].

You're what?

Filth.

We should have killed
all of you black bastards

when had the chance!

You want to try something, huh?

I can take any one of you.

You try it!

She wants us to fuck her.

- Hit it, man!
- Give her what she asked for!

- Give it her.
- Soda Pop!

- You try it! You try it!
- Give it to her.

[indistinct shouting]

[screams]

[dramatic music]

Oh, come on, you animals.

Oh, you fucking assholes,
fuck me right, you little boys.

See what you can do.

Come on, I'm waiting for you.

Come on, let me see your little dicky-doo.

Make her say your name, yeah!

Say my name!

[Ulrike moaning]

Is this all you got?

Come on, see what you can do!

Who's next?

[Soda Pop groans]

Go to the bathroom, nigga!
Who's next?

Who got next, nigga, who got next?

- All right, man.
- [indistinct shouting]

[groans]

[Richard crying]

[Panthia] I love you.

[somber music]

You know, you really
are an odious little fucking shit.

Still the prettiest girl
at the dance, dear.

[crying]

That's some real love for your ass.

[Van Helsing] Real love?

These people drink
human blood to stay alive!

- [Trigger groans]
- [Ulrike laughing]

Oh, we're about to do [indistinct]
like that, baby!

We are responsible
in the name of God Almighty!

Existential motherfucker.

- Oh, shit!
- [Ulrike laughs]

What are you talking about,
what's up, man?

- Your turn, man.
- Yeah, give it to her--

What's up? Get it, man.

- Yeah, I know you want to.
- Oh, use her, bust it!

You don't want to, you's crazy.

[Soda Pop]
Hey, come on, we go way back, man.

[Li'l Monster] That's what I'm saying!

- Do it, man.
- [Ulrike laughing]

The big boy's coming next!

Yeah, there you go!

You're the man!

You're the man!

[indistinct shouting]

[Ulrike growls]

That's better than the bitch on Crenshaw.

[indistinct] I fucked her too, nigga,
but it was nothing like this.

Woo, yeah!

- Forgive them, God.
- [indistinct chattering]

These Negroes know not what they do.

We can go dancing any night, you know?

No, but, listen, I promise you,

my aunt and my uncle are so cool,

I know they'll lend us some money.

- Damn!
- Oh, the homie!

Damn!

[whispers] Please.

[Ulrike laughs]

Okay?

- Okay.
- Okay.

Stay there.

- [thuds]
- [Ulrike screams]

Die in the name of the Fuehrer!

Oh, shit.

- [gasps]
- [dramatic music]

I think we're gonna need some ID.

[roars]

[gun fires]

- [Nico roars]
- [gun firing]

Aw, shit, man.

- [all shouting]
- [Nico roars]

Oh, shit!

[Nico screams]

Hold her!

Hold her!

[speaks German]

- [Dallas] Van Helsing.
- [Nico whimpers]

- [Van Helsing] Oh, my God. It's you.
- [Nico panting]

I don't believe it.

Let her go.

[Nico screams]

I'm the one you want.

[chuckles]

You have a sense of humor,
my friend, you know?

When I finish with her, you are next.

- [groaning]
- [Dallas] Listen to me, Van Helsing.

Got a proposition for you.

I don't make propositions with vampires.

What would you say if I told you
I could give you Count Dracula himself?

I don't believe it.

Is he here in Los Angeles?

Where?

Let her go and I'll take you to him.

[Van Helsing] Do you think
I'm just gonna let you walk away?

No, no, I'm not that stupid,

but if you don't let her go,
you'll never get Dracula.

[Nico groaning]

I don't understand.

You mean to tell me that
you are willing to sacrifice

your life for this thing?

Don't do it, Dallas! [panting]

That's the deal.

Yo, Trigger's over here dying, man!

[lightning crackles]

You dumb bitch, you messed up Trigger!

Tell him to leave her alone,
Van Helsing.

Leave her alone! Leave her alone!

You got a smoke, honey?

Oh, man. I feel so sick.

Oh, me too.

Think Trigger's gonna be okay?

If he ain't, his mom's gonna
cut our balls off.

You're such a scumbag, Van Helsing!

Dallas should have killed you
when he had the chance!

Would you shut her up?

It's a free country, she can say
whatever she wants.

I see, it's a free country,

and you can tum my boy into a vampire!

He did it to save his life!

- Shut her up!
- [Nico] No, I won't shut up!

And the next time you tell me to shut up,

I'm gonna rip you a new asshole!

You touch her and you won't get the Count.

[Van Helsing] Well, then, control her!

I'll take care of it.

["I Like the Girls" by Winston McFarlane]

♪ Give it up, give it up ♪

What did you guys do?

Shut the fuck up, you fucking freak!

Oh, man, I'm so fucking sick.

I told you, that's what you get

for having sex with one of
those fiendish things from Hell!

Didn't know you worked with gangsters,
Van Helsing.

They are not gangsters.

They are now in the service of God!

Damn, I should've used a rubber.

Rachel!

Are you okay?

[loud buzzing]

- [loud buzzing]
- [people screaming]

[loud buzzing]

[clanging]

I tell you one thing, if we find him,
[chuckles]

finally, I get to drive
a stake through his heart.

- That monster.
- Shh, keep your voice down.

Easy.

[tense music]

This one is mine.

Fuck off.

[grunting]

Take your hands off me!

I am Dr. Van Helsing!

[dramatic music]

- [kicks thudding]
- [men grunting]

- [wood thuds]
- [man groans]

[screams]

[Nico screams]

[Nico groaning]

[lightning crackles]

[elegant music]

As we all know, it's not very often

we get to drink the blood of
another vampire,

especially one so young

and so fresh.

Would you like to drink with me,
Dr. Van Helsing?

- Dr. Van Helsing!
- Oh, you go away.

I thought you liked the blood

of the young, fresh ones, Dr. Van Helsing.

Drink with me!

I'll get you.

[laughs]

[Count] You think that bothers me?

Huh?

Is it not true that in the camps--

[speaking German]

No, no! [speaking German]

- You deny it, Van Helsing?
- I don't--

Never with the people in the camps!

I was full exonerated at Nuremberg!

You [speaks German]!
You are a monster, not me!

I'll drive a stake slowly,
slowly into your black heart!

You sure they said the Hellfire Club?

Yo, something like that, man,
I don't know.

The fuck we care about that little bitch?

She killed Trigger.

Yeah.

Say what?
What you mean she killed Trigger.

I'm right here, man.

What the fuck is going on?

Hey, man!

[Dallas] I tried to tell you,
but you wouldn't listen.

You had sex with a vampire,
now you're vampires.

- [Tlme Bomb] Aw, man!
- [Soda Pop] Check it out, man.

Aw, man!

Yeah, you're in a world of shit now.

The fuck are you talking about, man?

Nobody, nobody gets turned into a vampire

without the Count's permission.

We don't need no permission
from no damn Count!

When he finds out there's a whole bunch
of Black bloodsuckers running around,

he's gonna throw everything at you.

What, this Count motherfucker,

he got something against Black folk?

That's putting it mildly.

He's gonna have you all burned.

Hey, man.

We the first Black vampires.

[laughs]

Hey, yo, just call me Blackie.

[laughs]

You's a dumb motherfucker, ain't you?

Hey, how's the girl doing?

[Time Bomb] She ain't doing too good,
I'll tell you that much.

Shit.

Before we begin tonight's fun,

I would like to propose a toast

to Governor-Elect Davis.

[group cheers]

The ever-hungry Governor-Elect,

and our two senators from California.

[group applauds]

But most of all,
to our main course this evening,

the illustrious and distinguished--

You [speaks German]!

Dr. Frederick Van Helsing.

[group cheers]

[Count] Dallas has escaped.

I will offer one million dollars

for the head of that bastard vampire,
Dallas!

[group cheers]

This vampire shit is cool.

I smell blood and everything, man.

Ooh.

I can't wait to kick some ass, boy.

I'm gonna bite into somebody's ass.
[growls]

Neck, neck.

[group laughing]

Tonight, I'll drink his blood
and I will eat his guts!

[saw whirs]

- [car crashing]
- [people screaming]

- Burn her!
- Right!

[gun firing]

[guns firing]

Boo!

Hollywood Slasher, slash this!

- [gun firing]
- [screams]

When they're finished playing,
clean up this mess.

An eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth,
I always say.

[dramatic music]

[blows thudding]

[screams]

[guns firing]

- [stake thuds]
- [groans]

Fuckwad.

Yo, Doc.

I'll be right back.

I'm gonna get you out in a minute.

It's just that there's something
we gotta talk about, all right?

Why can't you get me out first,
and then we talk?

[guns firing]

[upbeat music]

Time Bomb, get me out!

- [stake thuds]
- [groans]

[blows thudding]

[both grunting]

- [stake thuds]
- [screams]

- [gun firing]
- [groaning]

Here you go, baby.

[gun firing]

[groans]

[dramatic music]

- [stake thuds]
- [man screams]

[Count] Lucy, I'm home.

Fucking piece of shit.

What are you gonna do
without your army, tough guy?

'Cause I've taken all the crap outta you
I'm gonna take.

- [hand thuds]
- [Dallas groans]

Now you die, Dallas,
like the swine that you are.

It was I that gave you eternal life.

How fitting it be
I that take it from you, huh?

- [grunts]
- [stake thuds]

[dramatic music]

[voices screeching]

Vampire's true inner child comes out
just before he dies.

It'll take more than
a single stick of wood

to kill Count Dracula.

[both grunting]

- [knee thuds]
- [Count groans]

[punches thud]

[indistinct shouting]

Save the Count for me!

[hammer thudding]

Who dressed you, huh?

Huh, Count Dracula, who dressed you?

Oh, my God, you both.

[snarling, roaring]

[dramatic music]

[punches thud]

- [blow thudding]
- [groaning]

Help!

Hey, beautiful!

[snarls]

- [stake thuds]
- [both groaning]

[groaning, screeching]

Thank you!

[hammers thudding]

Ugly son of a bitch!

Hey, man, that Count dude
don't wanna die, man.

I mean, we must have staked
his ass like a dozen times.

He's too old.
You're gonna have to burn him.

- [grunting]
- [hammers thudding]

All right, burn him, cut off his head,

blow out his brains.
All right.

[Count screams]

[group cheers]

Aw, yeah!

[light orchestral music]

I know you made me, Dallas,
but what I wanna know is why.

You were a runaway in Hollywood.

I was gonna feed off of you,

but I guess it was a case of
love at first sight.

- What's up, man, what's up?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!

Yeah!

What are you gonna do now?

Go back to New York, I guess.

[men laughing]

Count Dracula, my ass!

Hey, man, did you see that motherfucker
go up in flames?

I was about to grab me some--

[Nico chuckles]

What are you gonna do now?

LA belongs to them.

Hey.

[bright music]

Oh, my God, Rachel!

I want more.

Look at your fangs.

They're so cute.

You're so cute.

[Rachel laughs]

Why don't you take me with you?

What about your gal pal?

She can come.

Get me out! Out, out, out!

Just hold on, I'll be right back.
I'll be right back.

Get me out of here!

So what are we gonna do
about the Doc, man?

[music continues]

[all chuckle]

[music continues]

[Van Helsing] Please kill me!

Oh, Hans, forgive me, for I am vile, evil!

I'm a cesspool of filthy desires!

I want my boy, please!

Hans, forgive me!

Forgive me, Hans, please!

Hey, mister, you okay?

Help me!

[upbeat music]

[upbeat music]

[music continues]