Modern Love (1990) - full transcript

I guess I've always
had a European flare
for romance.

As far back
as I can remember,

I've been in love
with love.

I've always loved women.
What a gender!

I've nothing against men,
don't get me wrong.

I mean, like, my Dad.

I mean, Dad...
Dad was the greatest.

Except for his stogies.

I love you, kid.
You got the whole world
at your feet.

- But, the women...
- I mean, really...

What's not to love?



I remember
the horrible feeling

in the pit of my stomach
with my first
girlfriend, Wiwi.

Well, her real name was Lily, but I couldn't pronounce my L's yet.

I loved her completely.

Blue eyes, blonde hair.
She had the cutest
little nose.

But, I was jilted.

Cheated on at age one.

Unfortunately, this sort
of thing became routine.

I don't know why, but I was
always attracted to
the same type of girls.

Heart-breakers.

I decided not to waste
any more times with bimbos.

I mean, besides,

what do bimbos have to do
with real love?

I was on a quest,
a quest for true love.



And I wasn't gonna stop
until I found it.

Sure, things got
a little rocky.

But I vowed never to stop
in my search for true love.

Am I really on an airplane?

Am I really going to meet
this girl's family?

I mean,
why can't I just say no?

Isn't this just exciting?

Isn't this wonderful?

God!
Look at those lips.

Ladies and gentlemen. Please fasten your seat belts.

We will be landing in
Itta Bena, Mississippi
momentarily.

Mmm.

Is everyone gonna
act like a black man
is at our table?

He's only Jewish.

I'm freezing.

Oh... I'm freezing.

So much for a romantic
walk in the moonlight.

You warming up a bit?

I thought we'd never
fish you out of that swamp.

So... When's your
daddy coming?

He had to run out
to a meeting.

It's nothing personal.

But, Fritz won't be in
the same room with your kind.

Great!

Adolf Hitler's gonna be
my father-in-law.

Holy cow!

Your dad...

Hey, Fritz.
How you doing?

Good to see you.
Gonna do some hunting?

Yeah, let's go.

I love making
love to you.

Oh...
Ooh...

How's this feel?

The right thing,
the sane thing,

would be to
walk out of here
right this second.

This feels great.

This is for you, baby.

These people are nuts.

Can you imagine having
a kid with this woman?

The mangled genetics,
the garbled DNA.

A baby Klansmen.

A circumcised Nazi.

This is sensational.

Honey bear?
Yeah?

I think I'm pregnant.

I have an appointment
with Dr. Reed.

I think I'm pregnant.

Congratulations!
Go right in, dear, room one.

Oh, honey bear.
Wish me luck.

Oh, my God!
This isn't the way
it's supposed to be.

This girl has cheated on me.

She's lied.
She's irresponsible.

Do you understand
the consequences
of this moment?

Say something.

Oh, honey bear!
Aren't you going to
say something?

Anything.

New fathers are
always this way.

Go in, dear. The doctor
will be with you.

You little shit.
You don't love her, do ya?

What?

Excuse me.
I didn't say anything.

Oh.

Um, would it be possible

for me to see
the urologist...

Dr. Parker?

What is the nature
of your problem?

It's a little personal.

Yes.

I, um...

I have growth...

But I thought that
since I was here.

Herpes, a cluster?

An open sewer.
You get what you deserve.

I beg your pardon?

Room two.

Thank you.

Greg to guilt!
Greg to guilt!

Come in, please.

Mayday! Mayday!

Do you love her, Greg?
Do you love her?

You know, love and
care are different.

Love is when you want
to be with somebody,

no matter what size
their breasts are.

Hello. I'm Dr. Parker.

How may I help you?

Well, I have a...

I have a little...

It's not little.

No, it's not... Well...

Oh...

It's kind of a...

I... I have a...

I have a...

I have a...

I have a... I...

I have a... I have a...
I have a growth.

Let's have a look.

Oh!

Oh!

What, what you doing? Oh!

Sure...

C'mon Greg.
You are at the urologist.

So she's a woman.
You hardly know her.

Oh... This can't
be happening.

Concentrate on anything.

Football. Track and field.

She doesn't even
have big breasts.

Just relax.

Relax.

Brain to penis.
Brain to penis.

Think of that foul tip
you took in fourth grade.

Ooh.

Moldy vegetables.

Bad investments.

She's not even my type.

She's intelligent,
she's not blonde...

Oh, my God!

These types of warts
are fairly common
in men your age.

They are usually brought on
when the body
is under stress.

Which in turn,
causes the immune system
to become vulnerable

to certain types of viruses.

She's literate,
eloquent.

So why am I
attracted to her?

Now, I'm going to give you
a local anesthetic...

And then...

I'm going to use this machine
to burn the wart
and the roots away.

Oh.

Uh.

I don't need an anesthetic.

What am I saying?

Are you sure?

I'll try the cave-man
approach.

Positive.

It's going to hurt.

Count to five and it
will be all over.

What's so funny?

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
It's just that...

Doesn't this remind
you of shop?

Only, where are
my goggles?

Shop? Goggles?
Is she kidding?

Count to five.

Ho. Ho.

One...

Pain! Pain!

Two...

Pain! Pain! Pain!

Just a few more seconds.
Are you all right?

I'm being cremated alive!

Burned at the stake!

Three...

I'm a ballpark frank!

Four...

Five...
There.

All done.

How do you feel?

Okay...

Never better.

I think
he's coming to.

Oh! Honey bear.

Would you like
a glass of water?

Oh.

I'd love a glass of water.

Get it yourself, you creep.

While you were
in there making
eyes at the doctor,

Annabell found out
she wasn't pregnant.

Annabell!

You're not...

How did you know?

Don't I glow anymore?

I oughta kick your teeth in.

Why you blaming me?

I don't blame you.

God is punishing me
for all the times
I cheated on you.

No!

Uh...
I think I'm having
a little difficulty

handling this particular
situation in my life.

The wisest thing to do...

Eh, just bail out.

Sorry to hear about
you and your
girlfriend, Greg.

Hmm?
Sorry about you
and Annabell.

Hello.

Annabell's been grazing
other pastures, eh, buddy?

Who is this?
Jeff, is this you?

Greg... Hey buddy!

How did this ever
happen to me?

- Hey, Greg.
- Get in here right now.

Greg. Where the hell
are you? I need you in
my office right now.

I have someone very important I want you to meet.

Greg. Answer me,
goddamn it. Greg!

- Greg, Greg. In here now.
- Goddamn it.

Greg. Greg.

Like you to meet
Dirk Martin.

He's gonna have his
own TV series this fall.
Brahma Beach Cop.

Oh, that's great.
Nice to meet you.

Hey, dude!

The networks are really
excited about him.

They think he has
star potential.

Kind of a working
man's sex symbol.

Blue collar hunk.

And I'm proud
to announce,

that the Hoskins PR firm
has just signed this
talented young artist,

to a long term contract.
How about that, eh?

Aw, bitchin'!

Say something.

Anything.

Uh...

How did you
get your part?

Yeah, yeah. Good.

You see, I was writing
my foot boards off
Hilton Head and...

Foot boards?

Yeah, water skis, dude.
Anyway...

I made this really cool,

stand up beach landing

in front of this incredible
looking chick

who turns out to be
this Hollywood producer.

Dude. She took one
look at me, she said...

"You."

You, what?

"You!"

You, what?

"You!"

I'd like to talk to you
a second, Greg.

It was good
verbalizing with you, dude.

Oh. Man... Uh,

I'm really sorry to hear
about you and your chick.

That happened to me,
I would really be cheesed.

Did you hear about
Greg and Annabell?

Wipe his nose, wipe his ass
for all I give a shit.
Just keep him happy.

I want you to
look after him.

Be his babysitter.
This kid's my ticket
out of here!

Why me?

You two have a lot in common.
You're young. You speak each
other's language.

You surf? Water Ski?

God, no.

I want you to go water
skiing with this kid.

Mr. Hoskins, I can't swim.
I'll drown.

Greg.

Have a little compassion,
will ya?

Look at me dressing
up like a cowboy.
Do you think I like this?

I gotta do these things.

This is what I've been
waiting for 25 years.

The big time.

A client on
the national level.

No more local begs.

No more used car salesmen
in chicken suits.

Do you understand what
that means?

Yes, sir. I understand.

You're a sweet kid.

Stay exactly the way you
are, babe. Don't ever change.

By the way, kiddo.

Since you not seeing
the sexy blonde anymore,

you wouldn't mind if I...

Put her and Dirk together?

Be kind of a nice gesture.

- It's going to be great.
- Ha! This will be terrific.

Yes?

I have a follow up
appointment with
Dr. Billie Parker.

Yes. Room Two, please.

That's it?

The doctor will be
right with you.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

You sneaky bastard.
Snipping the pussy, aren't ya?

No! I'm looking for love.

I'm available, darling.

Oh, I'm sorry.
I'll come back when you
are in your gown.

No. No, no, no.
That's okay.

Well, if you want me
to watch, you will
have to pay extra.

And, I don't think your
insurance covers that.

Just kidding!

So...

How's it hanging?

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
I'm so sorry. I can't
believe I said that.

I practiced that
in my head all night.

I thought that maybe,
it might loosen my
male patients up, but...

It sounded really
horrible, didn't it?

Yes, it did. I...

This is just never
going to work out.

I'm never going to be
a good urologist.

Why? Why?
What's the matter?

Well, just look at you.
Look how nervous you are.

You're only my third patient,
and you're the only one

who's come back
for a follow up.Really?

The other two didn't even
pass out of my office.

I... I don't know why
you came back.

Well, I came back

to give you this.

For me?
Yes.

Oh! They're great.

Oh, those are gre...

Goggles.

That's... You're funny.
That's great. Thank you.

I love it. I'll use them.
I love 'em.

Okay!

Um, I also came
back to ask you

if you'd like to go out
and have a cup
of coffee with me.

Boy, you've got
a lot of balls.

Oh! No, no, no.
Oh, I'm sorry.

Look. I... I didn't
mean to offend you.

Oh, you didn't offend me.

I was just looking
at your chart.

Just kidding.

Um, but, uh...

Really, I make it a point of
never, never socializing
with my patients.

Oh!

Well, then if it's a matter
of ethics, I won't be
your patient anymore.

Oh, it's not ethics at all.

My other two patients...
Yeah?

One had VD, and the
other had both of his
testicles removed.

Oh, my God!
That's terrible.

Just kidding.

Just kidding!

Oh, yeah. I...

I'd love to have a cup
of coffee with you.

That's great.
Yeah?

Yeah.
That's great.

Um... When?

Let me check my schedule.
Okay.

How about now?

I know it seems
a little bit goofy, but,

I always wanted
to be a rebel.

An individual.
Break new ground.

While the other students were
attracted to the brain
or the heart, I thought,

"Why not the penis?"

I mean,
the penis is actually
the heart of our society.

Because no matter
how liberal minded
some men may be,

when it comes down to it,

their dick has the
final say in almost
every major decision.

Holy shit!

Oh, my parents, gosh.

They were not too
thrilled with urology.

My father, he's an
Army psychologist.

And he says it's the closest
a woman can come to
neutralizing penis envy,

without having
a sex change.

At one point I thought about
opening an office called
Comedy Urology.

You know, like those traffic
schools in L.A. that are
taught by comedians?

But, then I thought,
"How much can a person laugh
during a catheter insertion?"

Ooh! Talk about
a tough audience.

Well, I mean,
I liked him a lot...

I even think I loved
him, but, you know...

I just, marriage, I mean...
That's just outta
the question.

I... I just don't
believe in marriage.

Oh, no. Really?

Oh. Well, I do.

Really? Oh...

Well, it's...

Really? It's just that,
you know...

I mean out of all my
girlfriends, you know...
I mean, they got married,

they got pregnant,
not necessarily
in that order.

But, it all ended
up the same. None of
them are happy.

Oh.
Well, you know, maybe
it's because of my parents.

My parents are like...
They're really different.

But they are great,
you know, and...

I don't know...

I kind of believe
that, that

marriage is...
Is not an ending, but...

But it can be more,
more like a beginning.

You know like a...
it can be a beginning of...

Of partnership.

It can be a beginning
of a...

A true commitment.
It can even be...

Be a beginning
of freedom.

My parents are
very distant.

Oh.

Maybe it can be

the beginning of the end.

Just kidding.

♪ You must remember this

♪ A kiss is still a kiss

♪ A sigh

♪ Is just a sigh

♪ The fundamental

♪ Things apply

♪ As time goes by

♪ And when two lovers woo

♪ They still say I love you

♪ On that

♪ You can rely

♪ No matter what

♪ The future brings

♪ As time goes by ♪

May I help you?

What?

Bobo! Bobo leClown.

The famous, Bobo leClown.

Oui.

Oh...

This estate is shown
by appointment only.

How many bedrooms?

Seven.

Oh. Seven, no, no, no...

Webster.
Webster.

Webster.
C'est la vie.

Come along, Bobo.
Bye-bye.

Oh! Wait... Bobo?

Well, this house does have
a certain charm to it.

Perhaps I could bend
the rules a bit.

Feel free
to look around.

Merci!

What do you think it would
be like to really live here?

I don't know.

Want to find out?

Oui, oui.

Will you marry me?

Yes.

Yes?

Yes.

Bobo?

The door is locked, Bobo.

Bobo? Check the Jacuzzi?

Bobo?

What are you two
doing in there?

Stop that. Open this
door right now.

You may now
kiss the bride.

Mazel tov!
Mazel tov!

- Huh?
- What?

What did she say?

It means, uh...

It means happiness.

It means good luck.

Oh! It means good luck.

Good luck!

Mazel tov!

Was it a tough trip?

Looks like
a cardboard square.

It's not a cardboard,
it's a matzah.

You know, I always
wanted my son to
be a doctor.

But he did
the next best thing.
He married one.

Thanks a lot.

Needs a little
barbeque, this.

Greg, Greg. Come here.
Come here.

I want you to meet
one of my best friends
from high school, Mary Miller.

Hi.
Kim, Kim,
out of the cake.

Foster that's enough punch.
That is enough punch,
I said.

Oh! It was a wonderful
wedding, don't you think?

Yes, it was.
You look like a china doll.

Thank you,
thank you.

Mary Miller!
Mrs. Parker!

Hey! Hey!

Yeah!

Jim's working
two jobs and...

Well, Kim's been sick.

We've had
three ear infections
in three months.

And Buster
is a holy terror.

And Jim Jr. is already
taking after his dad.

He's so mischievous.

I barely have time
to light a cigarette.

Like to have a walk
with your new father?

Sure.

So, how have you been?

Oh! Busy as ever,
busy as ever.

Fantastic university.

Very progressive.
Doing great things here.

Fantastic country.

I loved it ever since I was
stationed at Fort Jackson.

Now they've got me
down in Florida.

In other words, son,

take good care
of my Billie,

or I'll break you into
10,000 little pieces.

Sir?

Just kidding!

I love Billie very,
very much.

Now.

You know...

One time when Billie
was a little girl,

she came home from
visiting a friend of hers.

She was physically ill.

Her mother and I
tried to get her
to tell us what was wrong.

Figured she caught a cold.

Eaten something bad.

She got around to telling us.
She said that

the men at the house
were out on the porch,

smoking and
telling stories.

Wife was inside doing
the house work.

She was only 30.

But...

This is the part I remember
just like it was yesterday.

She was only 30,
but her life was over.

That's what made
Billie so sick.

How you going
to raise the kids?
We're Catholic, you know.

Well...
Is it true you
gave the judge

twenty bucks not to
mention the word "God"?

Uh, well...

I...
Ten thousand little
pieces, son.

♪ He's a man
He's a bull

♪ He's a man
He's a bull

♪ He's Brahma

This guy's awesome.

♪ He's Brahma ♪

That's no bull.

I've seen this show.
He's a good actor.

Our Greg works
with Dirk Martin.

Really?

What kind of
a guy is he, Greg?
Seems pretty intelligent.

Hey, Greg! Dude.
Finally decided to make it.

Hey, what took you
so long, man?

You searching for
your waves?

I got married, Dirk.

So, what do you think of
my new place, man?

Not bad for
my first time, eh?

Look, Dirk. I got
to talk to you...

Honey bear! What are
you doing here?

She's a swell chick.

Real screamer, huh, dude?

Okay, uh. What do you
want to talk about?
I'm a good listener.

I can't swim.

Don't worry, man.

I will personally
take you out.

Dude can't swim.

Whoa!

Whoa!

Whoo! Honey bear!

Dirk!

I can't swim.

Oh! Honey bear!

Gnarly.

Yeah!

Yes, yes, yes!

Oh, this is the happiest
day of my life.

Keep it down,
pecker head.

We'll make friends with our
neighbors as soon we mount
a gun rack on the VW.

Gregory, when are you
going to find a real job?

What's that noise?

Is that running water?

I'm doing the dishes.

Doing the dishes?

He's doing the dishes?
What did he get married for?

Billie and I have a deal.

She cooks,
I do the dishes.

I cook,
she does the dishes.

You cook?
He cooks?

God help the world.

I give this marriage
one week.

Ma, I've gotta go.

Why? What's the matter?

Nothing, nothing.
It's just...

Your mother's talking to you.

Don't play the big shot just
because you're married.

She's still your mother.

Greg. Did you read the
article on Steven Spielberg
in the paper today?

Ma...

We live in different cities.

We have different papers.

Greg, do you know him?

No, Ma.

He seems like such a nice, successful Jewish boy.

That's nice, Ma.

You should
get to know him.

I'm sure all of Hollywood
would love to know
Steven Spielberg, Ma.

I gotta go.

Maybe, you could have lunch with him, Greg.

Maybe you could just
have lunch with him.

I'm telling you, the two of
you would probably hit it off.

Ma...

We live
in different cities.

What am I gonna do?
Ask Steven Spielberg to come
to South Carolina for lunch?

You never know.

Write him a letter.

Write him a letter,
Gregory.

I'll write for you.

Thank you, Ma.
Bye, sweetheart.

You slut. You vixen.

I want your
swollen body.What?

I mean, you can have
my swollen body.

I want your swollen lips.

Oh. Jam your love tool
into my passion canal.

My studly rod stands waiting
with bated breath.

Well. Tell it to gargle
and floss and get
the hell in here.

My flowing river of love
can wait no more.

Oh, but alas. Poor me,
but my tool cannot swim.

It can bask in the sun,
as it floats
on the jism of love.

Yes.

Ew.

♪ Love me sure

♪ Kiss me sure

♪ Hold me sure

Oh. I love that when
you sing to me.

♪ I'm glad that we got chummy

Chummy.

♪ 'Cause something's
cooking in my tummy

Tummy.

Don't stop.

♪ Here's another clue

Uh-huh.

♪ It might grow up to look like you ♪

Like you!

Exactly what are
you saying?

I'm pregnant.
We're going
to have a baby.

We're pregnant!

We're gonna have a baby.

Greg, Greg. You would want to
turn out the lights. You're
naked. People can see you.

I don't care.
I don't care.

I want everyone to see me.
I want everyone to know.

We're pregnant.
We're pregnant.

Oh, Greg.
Greg!

Greg!

Greg!

Greg!

I'm pregnant.
We're gonna have a baby.

Ha ha!

I'm gonna be a daddy.

She's gonna be a mommy.

Keep it down, needle dick!

Show's what you know!

I made a baby.

Yeah!

Greg!

I love you!

I didn't know I married
a handyman. I'm impressed.

I subscribe to
Time Lifebooks.

Shit.

Yup. There's a rat behind
that there wall. You hear 'im?

Yeah.

Jesus!

God! Now what are you doing?

Oh!

It might smell for a while.

But you'll get used to it.

I actually like
the smell, myself.

Ugh!

Oh! Ow!

Oh, God. Shit.

Oh, shit.

Oh, no. Oh, no!

This is so that I can give
the baby baths.

Since I can't breastfeed him,
I might as well be able
to give him baths.

Uh, him?

Her, it.

I don't care what we have,
as long as it's healthy.

As long as it's healthy
and it doesn't bark.

As long as it's healthy,
doesn't bark or have three
sixes hidden on his scalp.

All right!

Honey?
Yeah?

Can I ask you something?
Yeah, sure, sweetheart.

Well, uh...

Would be all right if
my mother came and stayed
with us for a little while?

Sure.
Really?

Really?Sure, sure.

Oh, honey, that'd be
so great, you know.

We don't know anything
about babies and...

And she would be
so happy if she could
really help us out.

Oh, jeez, honey.
Okay, sweetie.
Don't cry. Don't...

Newlyweds.

Expecting. How nice.

Did you bring
your checkbook?

Mother!

Oh, Mommy.
Come hug me.

Oh, get up here.

Oh. It's you and me, kid.

We're gonna be the best
friends in the whole world.

All right, come on in.
Oh!

Here, honey.
Look at this!

Sure, sure!

Is it open?
Yeah. Here we go.

Yeah.

Sweetheart?

Sweetheart?

Mom?

Everything looks just fine.
Any day now.

Evelyn?

You don't worry,
Billie, now.

Many first pregnancies
are a week or two late.

Everything's fine.

Oh.

Oh.

Mom?

Mom?

Yes, honey?

Ma, is this what it's
like when my water breaks?

What?

What did she say?

Honey?

I just don't think
we ought to take any chances.

Sweetheart?

Did she say her
water broke?

That's great.

Why didn't she tell me?

Honey?

Sweetheart?

No! No! Wait!

Wait, you forgot me!

Wait, you forgot me!

You forgot me!

Wait!

Wait!

Honey!

You forgot me!

I'm trying
to sleep, peckerwood!Wait!

I'll be right here.
Hey!

Yeah, yeah. Greg?

Mom was just going to get you.
How did you get here?

Why didn't you...

Why didn't you tell me?
Oh, Greg, I'm sorry.

I guess I just
wasn't thinking.

Sir, you don't look well.
Would you like to
see a doctor?

Evelyn, why did you
leave without me?

Oh, Greg, I think we're
about to have her baby.

Okay, calm down. Calm down,
this is emotional time.

Calm down.

What are you doing
to my wife?

Some meconium was found
in her water which could mean
the child is in trauma,

so we're hooking her up
to a Pitocin drip
to induce labor.

Oh, my God. No!

It's quite normal, sir.
Here.

Wait.
Greg, take this.

Ice chips.
Oh, thank you.

They're not for you, sir.
They're for your wife.

Oh. Oh, right.

I'm going to
go on home now.

I don't want
to be in the way.Thank you, Mommy.

We'll call you as soon as
we know something.

You call me even if you
don't know something.

Now, I want a report
every hour, on the hour.

Yes, Mom.

Here.

Bye-bye, sweetheart,
bye-bye, sweetheart.

Bye, Mommy. Bye.
Bye-bye.

God, what? Whoa!

Stay in touch.
Yes, Mom.

Goodnight.

I'll be right back.
Thank you.

Oh, honey, hi.

Look, they just hooked me up.
See the digital readout?

Oh, yeah.
That's the baby's
heart monitor.

Oh. 160 beats per minute.

It's kinda like mine.
Yeah, honey, I think so.

And... And over here...

It's the graph.
See that graph?

Yeah.
See how it's almost
all the way at the top?

That measures my
contractions.Oh.

I can barely feel anything.

Oh. Baby,
it's all downhill
from here.

Yeah.

Well, it's gonna be
a piece of cake.

Do something. Do something!

What? What should I do?

I don't know. Breathe on me,
breathe on me, breathe on me.

It's getting better.
Oh, good.

Almost. Oh, my God.
It's getting better.

Boy, those contractions,
they seem to be coming along
faster, a little stronger.

No, shit. I want drugs.
Give me drugs. I want drugs!

Honey, this
isn't like you at all.

No!

Didn't even
take one aspirin.

Not one cup of coffee.

I sat in
non-smoking areas...

They just gave her
an injection, Evelyn.

Yeah.
She's doing a lot...

Evelyn, I'll call you back.

I was so good.
Wasn't I, Greg?

Yeah, honey,
you were so good.

Ow...
Jerry, look at the monitor.

Jesus.

Yes, sweetheart.

You did so great.

Yes, you did so great.
You didn't even take a Tums
when you had indigestion.

I love you so much.

I love you too, sweetheart.

Loose wire.

Oh.

Oh.
What?

Something's happening.
Do you feeling like
pushing, Billie?

Evelyn, she's been in labor
for over 20 hours.

She's been pushing
for the last four hours...

I'm sorry. I tried to call
you, but I have...

No, that's not true.
Fathers take a much more

active role these days,
Evelyn.

I...

All right. I'll tell him.

Jerry?
Hmm?

Evelyn says...

"Stop dicking around
and do a fucking C-Section
right this goddamn minute."

Yes, I think she's right.

Really?

Evelyn, you were right.
Good going.

Evelyn?

You're doing great, honey.

Scalpel?

Is the baby out yet?

Making the incision now.

You didn't feel anything,
did you, Billie?

No.

Nothing.

Hang in there, champ.

You're doing great.

Billie.

Billie.

We have a baby.

What about Natasha?

Oh, God forbid.
They killed our people.

I don't like it.

What about Sky?

Sky?

Like clouds?

In the sky?

What is she,
an Indian or something?

Mom.

It's short for Skyler.

Well, why don't you just
call her Running Goose?

Sky. Sky!

What are you,
a hippie or something?

Dad, what do you think?

I think it's sweet
of you and Billie to ask,
but it's none of our business.

We've already had our chance.

And if you ask me, the names
Greg and Billie aren't exactly
works of genius.

But since you ask...

I like your first choice.

Chloe.

Okay.

Chloe it is.

I don't like it.
I don't like it, either.

The folks got off okay.

Where's my shorts?

I'm going to give
the baby a bath.

Where's my t-shirts?

Where's my socks?

- Look at this.
- Aw.

And she loves this.
You love your bath,
don't you, sweetie?

You love your grandma, too.
And your grandma loves you.

She's so beautiful,
Mom.

Has anybody seen
my t-shirts?

Or my shorts?

Or my socks, or my shoes,
or my pipe wrench?

Well, your shorts and your
socks are in your top drawer
and, uh...

Your shoes are in your
closet under the t-shirts
which are hung up.

And...

Tools are
in the big cabinet.

Thank you.
Thank you very much.

I'll be right back.

Greg?

What's the matter?

The house
is spotless and I can't
find a goddamn thing.

Oh. Well...

My mom got a little nervous
during my labor and...

And when she gets nervous,
she... She does housework.

She had ironed
my jock straps.She loves you.

With spray starch.

Oh.

I thought I was the one
who was supposed to
give the baby baths.

You'll give the baby
lots of baths, honey.

But I was supposed to
give it its first bath.

Oh, I know, I know.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Look, uh...

Tonight. Tonight,
I'll express my milk,

and you can give the baby
her first feeding.

What do you say?

Would you like to do that?

Yeah.

That'll be great. Okay?
Okay.

I'm so sorry.
It's all right.

I'm sorry. Okay?
It's all right. It's okay.

It's over.

I'm sorry.

Darling?

It's time.

It's time?
What time is it?

It's 2:45, darling.
Oh.

I'm on my way,
sweetheart. Oh!

I'm coming, honey.

Daddy's coming. Oh!

God!

Oh!

God! Oh, God!

Daddy's coming, honey.

Daddy's coming.

Don't cry. No, no, no.

It's okay.
Don't cry, sweetheart.

You've got the whole world
at your feet. You do.

You do. Oh, don't cry.

Mommy made milk for you.

She expressed milk for you.

Here, honey. See?
Here's the milk.

Oh, no!

No, no, no!

Don't cry. Here.

Milk. Mmm.

What's the matter?
What's the matter?

You want it warm?

Is that it?
You want it warm?
Okay.

Here. Here.
You want it warm?

No, here. Over here.

There. This will do it.

This is a lot quicker.

Yes, it's okay.

See? Daddy's got ya.

Daddy's got it.

You don't have to cry.
We'll show Mommy.
We'll show Mommy.

Here, I'll test this, okay?

I'll test it, it's okay.
Watch Daddy.

Ooh, ooh!

Oh, it's hot, hot.
Ice, ice, ice.

No, no, no...

Another time.

I'm willing
to try something.

I'm willing to
try something
if you are.

Want to try it now?

Now, look, you see? Look.
No, no, no, no, no.

Look up here. See that?
See that?

It's a lot smaller than
the real thing.

But, I'm really proud of it.

Come on, come on, come on,
come on, come on. Come on.

That's it.

Ow! Argh!

You bit me!

What do you want?

What do you want?

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

What do you want?
Don't cry.

Mommy's here.
Mommy's here.
Mommy's here.

Mommy's here.
Mommy's here.
Mommy's here.

Yes, yes, it's okay.

Mommy's here.
Poor baby.

Poor baby,
Mommy's here.

Greg!

Now, I know exactly how much
of this to use.

This much.

And now I know
where to put it.

I put it a little here.

I put it a little here.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Mmm? Hmm.

Excuse me, ladies
and gentlemen.
I hate to, um...

I hate to interrupt this
wonderful meal we're having.

And I think you'll agree,
it is a great meal.

But we are not here
to eat, of course,

we're here to, um,
honor someone

with what you know
as the Hemisphere Award.

The Hemisphere Award
was designed, of course,
to honor in some small way

a distinguished
South Carolinian.

And I think our honoree
tonight certainly
fills that bill.

Please welcome and honor
Mr. Dirk Martin.

I did it.
You told me I'd win!

Dude.
It's not a competition.Oh.

Yay!

Whoa. Yeah.

Darling?

Wanna mess around?

You're gonna start
exercising soon?

You think I'm fat.

I didn't say that.

That's it, isn't it?
You think I'm fat.

You used to think
I was cute.

You were.

Now you're a little
overweight.

I was just wondering
if you're gonna exercise,

or if you plan on
following Bullwinkle in
the Thanksgiving Day Parade.

How dare you.
I just had a baby.
Your baby.

I'm still breastfeeding.
I'm at work part-time.

And I'm staying up nights
and I'm exhausted 'cause
you won't do your part.

My part?
Yes, your part.

The baby rejects me. She wants
Mommy. What am I supposed to
do about that?

Get up with me.
Make an effort
with my mother.

You know what?
I think I'm doing more
than my share around here.

I'm the one who brings home
the bacon in this household.

I'm the one who has to
work with sleaze balls

for the good of my family.
Don't lay that on us.
You just quit.

I'm perfectly capable
of bringing home the bacon.

Oh, that's great.
Spoken like a true realist.

You're about the only doctor
on the planet earth that
qualifies for food stamps.

I mean, I knew there was
such a thing as a bad doctor.

Didn't know there was
such a thing as a poor doctor.

Lucky me.
I had to marry both.

Oh. There's your cue.
There's your cue.

Roll over and play dead.

What's that
supposed to mean?

Well, every time
the baby cries,

you either have work to do or
you act like you're in a coma.

You don't have to
worry, dears.
I got her back to sleep.

Greg?

Let's make up.

Let's be friends.

Evelyn?

Evelyn?

Evelyn, I just came home
to get a quick baby fix.

She's reading her Bible? What happened to Mother Goose?

Wait a minute.

What's she doing?

Holy shit!

Wait!

In the name of the Father,
the Son, and the Holy Ghost.
Amen.

Hi, Greg. Home so soon?

So this guy
comes into my office
and he says,

"Hey, Doc. You've
got to help me
with my kidleys."

And I said
"Kidleys?

"You mean kidneys,
don't you?"

And he says,

"I said kidleys,
diddle I?"

Hello, Greg.

I'd like to
see my wife.

Oh, Doctor
Parker isn't in
at the moment.

Well, can you tell me
where she is?

She's cheating on you!

She needs
some tender
lovin' care.

She needs a good lay.

Look, you bitch. Tell
me where my wife is,

or I'll beat the
crap out of ya.

Oh, she's at
the Trustus Theater, silly.

She's auditioning
her comedy material.

You can't go
in there, buddy.

I'm looking
for my wife.

I said,

I'm looking
for my wife.

They're holding
auditions.

Nobody gets in.
Nobody!

Great, a fetus in
a fullback's body.

Wait a minute.

Argh.

Billie!

You know,
with all the flying

I'm doing
back and forth,

I'm practically
keeping the
airlines in business.

It's best
for everyone.

Mom, you know
that's not true.

Chloe loves you.
You're like
best friends.

I want her to grow
up around her grandma.

Well, then, you'll just
have to bring her

to visit me, won't you?

Billie, I cannot
imagine what

your father
would have done

if my mother had come
and stayed with us

right after we'd
been married.

It's just not right.

Besides, Frank
needs me, too,
you know.

Mom.

Greg loves you.

Billie, Greg loves me
because he has to.

I want him to
love me because
he wants to.

Wonder who
we'll get to help
with the baby.

You'll figure
something out.
Listen.

Your father and I
have made some
mistakes in our lives.

But the biggest
mistake we ever made,

was when we
stopped trying.

Oh, I wish I had
some special box

with all the wisdom
in the world in it I could
give you, honey.

But I know part of
growing up is

learning to make
your own mistakes.

But, you promise me
one thing, will you?

Don't ever
stop trying.

I promise, Mom.

I promise.

That's my baby.
That's my girl.

I got to pack
or I'm going to
miss that plane.

"Dearest Greg,
I wish there was
some way I could

"convey to you
how I really feel,

"and how sorry I am

"if for any reason
I offended you

"or overstepped
my boundaries
in any way.

"Chloe is my
first grandchild,

"and Billie,
my only daughter.

"This should be
a wonderful time
for all of us.

"Thank you for
loving my daughter.

"Thank you for
giving us a grandchild.

"And please forgive my
misplaced enthusiasm.

"With love, Evelyn."

Come on, pumpkin.
Come on, eat your eggie.

Eat your eggie for
Dad, Dad, Dad...

No!

What did you say?

No.

Billie.

Billie, Billie.
Come here.

What's the matter?
What's the matter?

Billie. She just said
her first word.

She said "no."

Oh, baby, that's
so wonderful.

Say it for Mommy.
Say it for Mommy.

Say it for Mommy. No.
Say it again.
Say it again.

Can you say "no"?

Aw, she gave us
a raspberry.

Come on darling.Say no.

Say no.
Say no.

No.

Baby, we made her
from scratch
and she talked.

Yes, and
she said "no".

Aw.

No. No.

No.

No.

Come on, sweetheart.
You can say yes,
can't you?

No.

No. No. No.

No.

No. No.

No.

No. No!

Na, na, na.

You want someone
caring, loving,

responsible,
experienced.

A good cook,
doesn't mind cleaning,

drives a car
and can handle
emergency situations.

Yes.

In other words,

you need
a mother-in-law.

She left.

Just another minute,
just another second.

Two seconds.

Here, here, here.
It's okay.

It's okay.

It's okay, here.
Here's Mommy.Hold Mommy.

Oh, my God!

It's okay.
It's okay.

It's okay.
It's okay.

Dr. Parker, your patient will be arriving

fifteen minutes late.

- Hoskins Public Relations.
- May I help you?

Can you do that?

Billie, there's no
film in the camera.

There's no film
in the camera.
There's no cake.

You were supposed
to get the film.

And you were supposed
to get the cake.Oh. No, no, no.

I got the clown,
the party favors
and the decorations.

Doesn't that just
suck the big one?

Suck the big one.

Mama, when's
Santa coming?

Merry Christmas.

Ho, ho, ho.

Who is that?
Merry Christmas!

Ooh!
No.

Oi.

Oi, I'm stuck.
Billie, I'm stuck.

Santa!

Ho. Ho. Ho.

Miss, I'm stuck
could you help?

Okay, I'll be
right there.

Santa's stuck.

Ho. Ho. Ho. Ho.

Mommy.

What's the matter,
little girl?

Ooh!
It's okay.

Chloe...
It's okay.Merry Christmas.

It's only
Santa, honey.

Hurry up,
will you?I'm trying.

Mommy.

Please don't cry.

No, you don't have
to be afraid.

Look.

It's just Daddy.

Greg.

Argh!

Baby toys,
clothes, $198,
$65, baby outfit.

Thirty-one and...
Popples slippers?

Care Bear nightwear.

My Little Pony...
My God...

Where do you shop?
Cartoon land for
sucker parents?

What happened to sales?
What happened to discounts?

What happened to sanity?

I'm doing the best
that I can.

If you don't
like it,

you do the shopping.

Fine. I will.

I don't suppose
you bother checking
sizes or gender?

These are lovely.

She's never
eaten a marble.

She might like that.

Let's see.

You want a live-in,

must be good
with babies.

Must have
experience.

Must cook,
must drive.

Must speak English.

Seventy-five dollars
a week.

Hey, buddy.

You don't need a nanny.

You need a wife.

How did this ever
happen to me?

♪ He's a man
He's a boy
He's Brahma

♪ Brahma

Yeah, yeah.

Whoo-hoo.

Yeah, give it
to me, baby.

Yeah.
Let's party.

♪ That's no more ♪

Yeah.

Hey! Fun man.
Come here.

You almost
missed the party!

Dirk.

You have an interview
with Time Magazine
in 15 minutes.

Time Magazine!

Relax.

Check out some
of the chicks.

Hey.

Want to get high?

Greg, my man,
go for it!

Actually whenever,
I want to get
inebriated,

I hyperventilate.

Make love to me.

I think I'm
hyperventilating.

Please.

Oh, my God.
What am I doing?

Stop it.

Greg, you're a happily
married man.

I'm sorry, miss.

I'm a happily
married man.

You don't
look so happy.

She's right.

I don't look so happy.

I don't feel so happy.

Well, I feel happy now.

You know, a lot of
people cheat.

Good people cheat.

Intelligent people.

Ah, look at that
nubile body.

Wait a minute.

What's going on here?

Brain to conscience.
Brain to conscience.

Mayday. Mayday.

Bypass lust.

Speak to me.
Speak to me.

Oh, my God.

What am I doing down there?

Come on, Greg.
Do the nasty.

Jump her bones.

Do the wild thing.

Real commitment.

True partnership.

What a crock of
male bullshit.

This is your chance.

I dare you.

Come on, show your
true colors.

Do the wild thing.

Thanks, miss.

No.

No, thanks.

Being a doctor,
I usually tell jokes
by appointment only.

Who says
the appendix is
a useless organ?

It's made lots
of doctors rich.

But not me, of course,
because I'll be paying off
my med school loan

for the next
30 or 40 years.

I want to leave you
with this thought.

Maybe, I'm just
no good, but,
what the heck?

Where else are you
going to get anesthesia
this cheap?

Oh. No, no, no.

Cut it out.

Let's hear it for
Dr. Billie Parker.

Thank you, thank you.
Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you for
indulging me.

Thank you very much.
You've been great. Whoo!

They sort of liked me.
Can you believe it?

You were very funny.

This is like
a dream come true.

This is like what
we talked about on
our first date!

Oh. Can you
believe it?

Yes.

I can believe it.

I've never seen
you drink before.

I've never seen you
on stage before.

How do I look?

You look fine.
Really?

Really, you
don't think I need
a face-lift.

You know, get rid of
my wrinkles now that
I'm in showbiz?

Sure.

Maybe while you're at it,
you can get a tummy tuck.

Maybe a heinie hoist.

Don't forget some
silicone in the old
boobies for dada.

I mean,
now that you're
in show business,

you don't want
to look like a
Ubangi mother of 12.

What is your problem?

I almost got
fired today.

I also got a letter in
the mail apprising me

that there have been
three cases of head lice

at our daughter's
day care center.

Well, that's
very common.

"It's very common."

It's very common
in the swamps
of Louisiana.

It's very
common in third
world countries.

Keep your voice
down, please.

It's very common in
the cocaine fields
of Bogota.

It's very common
among the Shiites of
West Beirut.

It's very common
among the inmates of
Folsom Prison.

Hey keep it
down, buddy.

And I'm sure it's
pretty common to him.

But we're talking
about head lice

on our little
baby girl.

Okay, buddy, you
have some...

Now wait, Biff,
come on, come on.

Come on you guys,
really. I'm going to
take him home now.

Just, everything's
all right.

We have another
mouth to feed!

We have another
brain to educate.

We have a life
to take care of!

We lost our freedom.
I wasn't ready for this,
goddammit.

Calm down,
let's talk about it.

I've lost track
of my wife.

I don't remember
why we fell in love.

We're strangers.

I don't remember
what it's like to
be alone with you.

Darling, calm down.
This is all fixable.

What would
make you happy?

Happy?

I want to be in
love again.

I want to feel
in love again.

I want to...
I want to feel...

I wanna feel creative.

I mean, you're doing
your stupid comedy shit.

I want to feel
hopeful again.

Do you hear something?

No.

Better go
check the baby.

God. I can't even
have a fucking
conversation with you.

Darling, calm down.
I'll be back
in two minutes.

Greg?

What?

Greg?

Greg!

Greg, get up here!

Oh my God, Greg.
I don't think
she's breathing.

I don't think
she's breathing,
you see?

You see, oh my baby!

My baby Chloe.
My little baby. Oh, God.
No. Please.

Please my baby, please.

Oh God!
Oh, my Chloe.

Oh.

Oh, honey. Oh, God.
Thank God.

Oh, baby.
Yes, yes.

Come here.
Huh.

Oh, my baby.

Oh, I love you.

I love you.

Good morning, everyone.

You're listening
to CRDS, Columbia's
all talk radio.

The big news today
is that the state
climatologist

says there is a 50% chance

that snow could reach
the Columbia area by
this time tomorrow.

Our first snow in two years.

I'll tell you
whenever it
gets like this,

it always makes
me want to

get out the baseball
and throw it around a bit.

It going to be a
beautiful day today.

The state climatologist
says temperatures should
reach the low to mid 80's

with absolutely
no chance of rain.

Local events you might
want to take advantage
of this week,

Don Portnoy and the
University of South
Carolina Orchestra

will be performing
at the Koger Center
on Wednesday.

The Columbia Mets play
Spartanburg tonight
at 8:00.

And you might want to
check out the state fair.

You'll find me
in the swine pavilion.

I want to know firsthand
where our delicious
barbeque is coming from.

The heat and smell of that
pavilion always makes me
want to...

Bring an umbrella.
The state climatologist says

there is a 75% chance
of thunder storms
throughout the day.

Turning to national news,
disaster has struck again.

A school bus, carrying
35 children collided with
a freight train

outside Fort Worth,
Texas in this morning.

So far there is no
report on the number
of fatalities.

There was another drive-by
shooting in Los Angeles
last night.

Three innocent people
were killed

when gang members opened
fire in front of a crowded
movie theater.

Nineteen people
are known dead

in the latest
bombing attack in
a small marketplace

outside of Beirut.

So far, three different
terrorist groups

have claimed responsibility
for the bombing.

I'll call you back.

Greg, you look angry.
What's the matter?
Something wrong?

Mr. Hoskins,
I've spent more time

with an untalented,

overpaid,

drugged-out surfer,

than I have
with my family.

I brought a child
into a world

of impending
nuclear disaster

and my roof leaks.

I've spent more money

on my little girl's
pre-school

than I did on my entire

college tuition.

People are getting
sucked out of jet liners
at 20,000 feet.

Peanut butter
is unsaleable.

The fish in the
fucking sea are toxic!

There's lead in our
public drinking fountains.

I'm growing tits
from eating too
much chicken.

And my marriage
is falling apart!

Greg, calm down.

I think you're having
a nervous breakdown.

Yup, you're goddamn
right I'm having
a nervous breakdown!

Now, I want my vacation,
the one you owe me.

Two weeks,
starting today.

I'm taking my family to see
Michelangelo's David
whether you like it or not!

Fine.

Fine?

Fine?

Greg, this is showbiz.

Holler, scream,
act like a shit and
get what you want.

Brahma's been canceled.

Oh.

No.

Chloe, we won.

We're going.
We're going.

We won, honey.

We won, we won, we won.

I didn't say we were
moving to Italy.

It's a vacation,
not a garage sale.

What's in here,
for Christ's sake?

Greg, we're traveling
with a child.

A child. Not the
Vienna Boys Choir.

Then why are we
here so early?

It's good to
be early.

Yeah, but half the day,
Greg, isn't that
a wee bit anal?

If my anal area
is a wee bit tight,

it's because I'm carrying
enough luggage to give
Hulk Hogan a hernia.

I'm going to be Quasimodo
by the time we hit Rome

and you know
what it's like to
go through customs?

We might as well
be at the Circus Vargas!

Greg, stop.

Turn around.

Come here.

Come here.

Look at me.
Look in my eyes.

Calm down.

You're starting to
act like an old crab.
Now cut it out.

Look at my smile.

Look at our baby.

We're a family.
We're on vacation.

Come on. Let's try
and have a good time.

I'm sorry.

We would like
to welcome you aboard
US Air Flight 11...

Any pillows here?

- Pillow?
- I'd like one.

I want one, too.

Thank you.
There you go.

What do you say?
Thank you.

Tell me again, Daddy.

Oh. Okay.

We are flying all the way
to a place over here.

Okay?
It's called London.

Then we take
a little airplane

and we go to a
place called Rome.

Then we get
in a train. Okay?

And that train
goes all the way
into tunnels.

And then the mountains.

Then we end up in
a place called Florence.

And that's where we
are going to see
Michelangelo's David.

Give me five.
Give me five.

And we're going to
end up in a place
called Florence.

And it's going to be very
beautiful and that's where
we are going to see...

Honey, I want you
to hold that with
two hands.

'Cause if you spill
that on Daddy...I have to go potty.

So, why are
you telling me?

Mommy always takes
you potty, sweetheart.

I'll take you,
darling.

No, I want Daddy.

You do?

You want Daddy?

Daddy will take you potty.
I'll hold this.

Me and my girl.

Here we go, honey.

Put your arms around me.
Let's go potty.

And then...

We're gonna take
a train ride.

All the way to a
place called...Daddy?

I have to go potty.

Okay.

Put your arms around Daddy.
Let's go potty.

And then...

We're gonna see
Michelangelo's David.

It's a very
beautiful statue.

Daddy?

I know.

You have to go potty.

No.

I went pee pee
in my pants.

"Who made the pie?

"I made the pie.

"Who stole the pie?

"I stole the..."

Chloe?

Two hands
on that Pepsi.

If you spill
that Pepsi
on Daddy's lap...

I'm gonna
leave you with a big,

fat Italian woman,

with a mustache, who eats
children for breakfast!

Don't you ever
get sleepy, honey?

I'm not tired, Daddy.

No?

She sure is
a daddy's girl.

Oh, excuse me, miss.

How much longer
do we have?

The plane will be
taking off

any minute now.

So, why don't you relax,

and enjoy 14 hours
in the air.

Daddy?
Yes, honey.

I spilled
my Pepsi on you.

What?

Just kidding.

Oh, God.

Would a Dr. Billie Parker please depress your call button

and identify yourself.

Mommy!
That's you.

What's goin' on?
I don't know.

Daddy.

Your mother's fine.

She'll be
pleased to
see you.

Can I see her now?

You know what...

She was okay.
She was doing the...

Cooking and
everything was okay.
And then...

The next minute...

What did the doctor say?

He said she's going
to be all right. Uh...

Go home in a
couple of days.

Thank God.

Mom?

Mom?

How you feelin'?

Oh, much better.
Yeah?

The first thing
I'm going to do,

when I get out
of this hospital,

is throw away
those damn cigarettes.

I love you
so much, Ma.

I love you.
I love you, sweetie.

Billie.
Now what?

I love the name
"Chloe".

Thanks.

Maybe you can
sneak her in here.

Yeah?
Yeah.

Daddy?
Shh, not now, sweetheart.

Is this what
a baby kangaroo
feels like?

Yes, sweetheart.

Okay.

Greg. Greg.

Special delivery.

Oh. Aw.

Grandma.
Chloe, my darling.

Grandma,
I'm a baby kangaroo.

You sure are, honey.

How do you feel?

Oh, just terrific.

So sorry,
I took you away
from the David.

It's not a real person.
It's just a statue.

Mommy told me
a little about your trip.

She said you all
got exhausted.

And you didn't even
leave Columbia.

Yeah.

I think next vacation,
we'll spend it in bed.

Greg, take good care
of my baby.

I'm not
the greatest father.

But I think I'm starting
to get the hang of it.

No, your baby is fine.

Take good care
of my baby.

Evelyn...

I love Billie
more than anything
in the whole world.

I know you do, honey.

Just don't forget
to have fun.

Have fun?

Have fun.

Ah!

Give me
a kangaroo kiss.

Bye-bye.
- Bye-bye.

I'll be back
soon, okay?

Bye, sweetie.

Bye-bye.

Bye, baby.

Mommy, you try...

Oh, I don't know.

You wanna...

Whoo.
Oh, that's lovely,
I'm sure.

Daddy, is that what
the Italian lady
is going to look like,

that you're going to
leave me with?

No, more like this.
No, more like this.Darling...

Oh, Dad. Ow!

Ahhh!
Ahhh!

Come here, little girl.

Ah. Rah!

Oh, where is she?
Where is that girl?

Ha, ha, ha!
Whoo!

I'm gonna get you.

I'm gonna get you.
No!

Excuse me, Mr. Parker,
can I speak with you
for a moment, please?

Chloe, come here.
Daddy needs
to hug you.

Why'd she go?

Daddy, where did
grandma go?

Why'd she go?

Yes, sir.
Yes, Mr. Parker.

Well, let me
go get her.

Uh-huh.

I think she's resting.
She's, uh...

Going through
a rough time now.

Sure, I'll let her know.

Okay, bye-bye.

I love you, too.

Bye.

♪ Hey, hey, hey, Billie

♪ I want to know

♪ If you'll be my girl

♪ Hey, hey, hey, Billie

♪ I want to know

♪ If you'll be my girl ♪

Don't cry, Daddy.

You've got
the whole world
at your feet.

Don't cry, Daddy.

You've got
the whole world
at your feet.

Chloe?

I know I should
have rented a car. God,
there goes my muffler. Oh!

People really
live like this?

I can't believe this.
My God.

Jesus. Ah.
Anyway, your...

Greg, I can't
tell you how important
this is to me.

I'll tell you
on a, on a scale of
one to ten, this is...

This is at least a million,
for Christ sakes.

Greg.

Look at that sky.

Jesus Christ.

What are you
looking at?

Evelyn is a part of that sky?

What are you looking at?
What are you looking at?

Are you
listening to me?

Yeah, yeah.
It... It's important.

That little bastards
just came off
a platinum album.

Kids love them.
I think they're
a gold mine.

Mr. Hoskins, you want
their account

and you're calling them
the little bastards

right in front of
where they live?

That's their name,
"The Little Bastards".

They fired their pianist,
went through the roof.

They sing obscenities
a cappella with all that
bullshit drum shit.

Yeah, it's called
rapping, Mr. Hoskins.

I don't relate to
that at all.

That's because
I think they're pigs
and they know that.

And for some reason,
they like that.
But you, you're young.

You were brought up
on that drum shit.

You can become
friends with
The Little Bastards...

Will you tell me what
you're looking at?

Greg, are you
listening to me?

What are you
looking at, Greg?

I need your attention
100% of the time.

You pay attention,
do what I tell you!

Together we can
make a fortune.

Come in, asshole!
If you dare.

Bring your friend. Derriere.

Yo, I got this chick.
She is really fine.

You know, she likes to
do it all the time.

Don't let it
get to you, Greg.

Just keep thinking
about how much money
we're going to make.

All the time.

Honey bear!

What are you
doing here?

Sure is quiet
around here.

Hasn't been
this quiet in...

Four years.

Now that Chloe
has her little school,

the house seems
kinda empty,
doesn't it?

How much time
do we have?

Well...

She's spending
the entire day

at her friend
Katie's house.

Don't move.
Stay right here.
Don't move.

Where are you going?

Greg!

Greg, what are you doing?

Give me a hint.
Come on. Greg.

Champagne,
microwave popcorn,
hot peppers.

Mmm.

Ice cream sandwiches.

The Alien.

You wanna
have a party?Yes.

Here.

You know what
I was thinking?What?

I've always
wanted to paint.

Then you should.

Well, you know,
maybe I could take
some classes.

I've always
wanted to do that.

Then you will.
You just will.Mmm-hmm.

And you know
what I could do?Hmm?

I'll build you
a place on the porch.

And it'd be
semi-enclosed.

So, you could paint
in the sun if you want.
You can paint in the shade.

You can paint anytime
you want.
How's that sound?

Oh, that'd be great.

So, what do you say?
You wanna have
another baby?

Go ahead.
Have a good time.

Make a baby.

Mom?

What do you think,
Evelyn?

That's what
it's all about, kids.

♪ It's still
the same old story

♪ A fight for love and glory

♪ A case of do or die

♪ The world will
always welcome lovers

Life is so weird.

♪ As time

You said a mouthful.

♪ Goes

♪ By ♪

Daddy, where was I
before I was?

Um...

Um... Well, um...

Ugh.

Um, well you, uh...

Where were you
before you were?

Well...

Well, you were,
you were in
Mommy and Daddy's love.

In Mommy's tummy?

Yes, yes. In Mommy's tummy.

But how did I
get in Mommy's tummy?

Well, um...

Um, well, you see,
what, what, what I...

I... I kind of put you there.

Yeah, you see, I put... I put you there.

With, um...

I put you... I put you there with... With my love.

Where did your love
come from?

Gimme your finger.

Comes from here.

Comes from...
Yeah.Here?

From my heart.

Your heart?
Yeah.

Why are you looking at me so funny, sweetheart?

You understand, don't you?

My love comes from my heart.

But... But, Daddy.

How does your heart
get in Mommy's tummy?

Do you stuff
it in there?

Is there
a magic word?

Do you punch
it in there?

What do you do?
Billie!