Model Hunger (2016) - full transcript
A former model (Lynn Lowry) forced into retirement due to her age exacts her revenge on young beautiful women in this horror thriller.
(GENTLE LULLABY MUSIC)
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
(REMIXED POP MUSIC)
VOICEOVER: Ready!
One, two!
Go, fight, win!
Yell it, go, fight, win!
Go, fight, win!
Yell it, go, fight, win!
Yell it, go, fight, win!
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
All right everyone,
gather around and
pick up this year's
fundraiser magazines.
(WHISPERS) God,
not this shit again.
(WHISPERS) Shhh,
Coach Lisa will hear.
(MUMBLES).
Missy Wallace, you will raise
more money than last year or you
will risk your
Captaincy for the Fall.
What?!
That's so totally fucked,
you can't do that!
Young lady, you will
watch your language
and you will raise more
money than last year.
Or I will replace you.
This team is not
for freeloaders,
no matter how pretty or
popular they think they are.
Push the wool
sweaters, we have a
great markup on them this year.
(FOREBODING MUSIC)
(CAR REVS)
Good day, sir.
What?
I said good day, sir!
Are you lost?
Oh no, we're cheerleaders from
the local high school,
we're going door
to door to raise
funds for our squad.
Raise money?
What?
You tell that son
of a bitch Glazer
that I mailed in my
real estate taxes.
This township is
not getting another
cent out of my social
security check!
Goddammit!
No, wait, sir...
Deviants!
You're all deviants,
every last one of you!
No, sir, wait!
Grr, this is such a
fucking bad idea, Katie!
We've only two sweatshirts
and it's already
7 PM, these old gasbags
are fucking cheap!
Actually it was a sweatshirt
and bikini briefs
to that hairy guy.
MISSY: Can we
just get the fuck
out of here already?
KATIE: Just one more house!
Come on Missy, someone's
gotta buy something.
Besides, do you really want Amy
to show you up again?
All right!
(FOREBODING MUSIC)
(KNOCKING)
Can we please just go?
Someone's coming.
Good afternoon, Ma'am!
Whoa, easy there, honey.
I'm old, not deaf.
Oh, I'm sorry, it's just that
so many of your neighbors seem
to have a difficult
time hearing.
What's that you say?
I said your...
(LAUGHS) Honey, I'm
joking with you, honeypie.
I'm well aware of the
age of my neighbors.
In fact, Harold next
door, he passed away
just a few months ago,
but apparently old
Harry's house was sold
to a young couple,
so we should be
getting some fresh
blood into the
neighborhood soon enough.
(WHISPERS)
Congratu-fucking-lations.
(LAUGHS) You just wait until
you're old too, sweetie.
Yes, well our
squad is desperately
in need of funds and we're going
door to door to raise money.
Well you don't say.
You know what, I was just
getting ready to
sit down and have
a nice cup of tea and watch my
favorite television show.
Why don't you girls
come on inside and we
can discuss what you
have to offer me, hmmm?
- We'd love to.
- No.
GINNY: Well great.
Come on.
(LIGHT POP MUSIC)
I thought you said your
favorite show was coming on!
GINNY: There's
no need to scream,
I can hear you just fine.
And it is.
All I see is a shopping show.
Oh well yes, my favorite
show is Suzi's Secret.
The hell is that?
SUZI: In a modern
world that judges
women based on their
outer appearance,
that tells us lose weight or
else you're not beautiful,
That says so you
actually enjoy eating?
Well guess what,
you're fat and ugly.
He's a show that says to
you stop this insanity!
(LAUGHING)
Are you not stick skinny?
Do you actually have hips?
Do you, gasp, dare to feel
beautiful in spite of it all?
Then you've turned
into where real women
know how to help you
flaunt your fabulousness.
You've tuned into Suzi's Secret!
What the fucK?
(LAUGHING)
Do you girls like quiche?
Sure.
Oh how wonderful,
I'm just in time.
SUZI: Welcome to the show,
fellow fabulous females!
We have an incredible show
in store for you tonight
featuring some super
sexy and bootylicious
designs from one of my favorite
designers ever,
Jessica (MUMBLES).
And offered for a
limited time only
to you, our fab female audience.
(LAUGHS) More like
fat female audience!
Please, you're not even
half that whale's size.
Any woman buying something like
that is wasting their money.
Not as big a waste
as whatever your
daddy spent on
those big puppies.
So what is it you girls
have to offer me, hmm?
Everything we
offer, all the funds
go to help our squad.
GINNY: Oh so you say.
Excuse me, but
where's your bathroom?
Oh, don't you
wanna try the tea?
I have to piss.
Missy!
Oh that's all right.
I've heard much worse
language in my time.
The little girl's room is down
the hall, first
door to the left.
First door to the left.
Got it!
So like I was
saying, we have a
great selection
here and everything
we offer is made right here in
the good ol' US of A.
Require an additional
fee, but our latest
delivery time is only
two weeks and with...
GINNY: Look at those legs.
Fucking twigs for calves.
Though the thighs have
some meat to them.
Probably tasty with a little bit
of garlic and onion seasoning.
Oh she's probably
thinking look at
the purple monster
eater on the television.
See, she doesn't
realize that I saw
her face when the show came on.
I know she's disgusted.
They're always disgusted.
These little twigs.
These disgusted, putrid,
self-centered little twigs.
(LAUGHS) She thinks
because I picked on
her friend that
she's in the clear.
Well she's just a big
a whore as the other.
So what if she
doesn't get the most
popular boy, she's
still sucking off
the popular boy's tag-a-long.
Ugh, how pathetic.
Now if her flesh is
to taste good at all,
I'll have to cook out
any venereal diseases
that she got from
sucking off of...
(DOOR OPENS)
SUZI: Satisfaction.
GINNY: Oh my.
You look a little flushed.
Oh no no, have some more tea.
(FOREBODING MUSIC)
(DRAMATIC STING)
Shit, Katie!
Come on come on,
we gotta get the
fuck out of here, come on!
Come on, come on, we gotta
get the fuck out of here!
Hello, girl.
(SHRIEKS)
No!
GINNY: Why not?
Three strikes you're out.
At the old ball game.
(GIGGLES)
Home sweet home.
DEBBIE: This isn't home, Sal.
SAL: It is now, Deb.
No Sal, it's not,
home is New York.
This place is Hell.
Worse, it's fucking
worse than Hell,
it's Fishville, it's
the goddamn suburbs,
this is so stupid.
Nice, real fucking nice.
Look, you know why we're here.
Please, you wanna
talk about my shrink
again like some fucking
guilt trip, Sal?
What is your fucking problem?!
You are my problem!
Why are we here?!
Well?!
What?
I need the keys, shitface!
SAL: Jesus Christ, you
gotta be so fucking loud?
You'll wake the neighbors.
(FAINT WHIRRING NOISE)
Shh.
Do you hear that?
I don't hear anything.
You don't hear that whirring?
She's probably just vacuuming.
Who vacuums in the
middle of the night, Sal?
How the hell should
I know, if you're so
interested, go over
and ask her yourself.
The old coot's
probably vacuuming.
I'm gonna go to the
van, I'm gonna get
the boxes, take in
the air mattress
and set them up, and
I'm going to sleep.
They're probably just cleaning.
Old ladies love to
clean, like my mother.
She used to clean
all fucking day.
That's cause you and your
brothers were slobs, Sal.
Maybe so, but
I'll tell you what.
How much damage
could we really do
seeing that she had
half the furniture
fucking covered in plastic.
Besides, what do you
care what they're up to?
Wouldn't you be
more interested in
what your husband is up to?
No, not tonight, Sal.
I'm so tired, I'm stressed.
I don't know what
to do tomorrow.
Sal!
Sal!
Sal!
Sal.
(LIGHT FANCIFUL MUSIC)
(OMINOUS MUSIC)
GINNY: I'm still hungry.
Oh my goodness.
That is so good.
You know, I'm not exactly sure,
but I think their cheerleading
career just might be over.
Rah rah, sis boom bah.
(CHUCKLING)
(HUMMING)
Your turn, honeypie.
Shut up.
(MUFFLED SCREAMING)
(DRAMATIC STING)
Pathetic.
How could any sort of man have
any kind of interest
in your body?
I mean skinny little
arms, boney legs, and...
Fake breasts.
(MUFFLED) No, please!
Help me!
(SCREAMING)
Ooo, darling, I bet
you can't even feel this.
Rah rah!
Sis boom bah!
(SCREAMING)
My, my.
You're not so perky
now, are you bitch?
(DRAMATIC STING)
Rise and shine, beautiful.
What, you not get
enough sleep last night?
Dream, Sal.
Well it's probably
from all the stress,
you can talk to your new
doctor about it next week.
And don't forget the movers are
coming today around
three o'clock.
DEBBIE: I know Sal,
just let me sleep.
Deb, I'm serious,
if you're not
here when the
movers come and they
pull the furniture
off the truck,
they're just gonna
put it in the middle...
Where the fuck
am I gonna go Sal,
I don't know anybody here!
With the local VFW for bingo?
God, you're a fucking douchebag.
Nice, Deb.
Real nice.
Is that what you call
behavioral modification?
How many times
have you gone to
the mailbox expecting
a card from a
loved one, or maybe
a postcard from
a relative vacationing
on a tropical island?
Instead, you're greeted
by something far worse.
Not an unwanted bill.
But a swimsuit or
lingerie catalog.
And you ladies know
why I'm saying these
things are such a
disappointment, don't you?
Real women, women like us can't
even look at these things!
Instead of featuring real women
with some meat on their bones,
airbrushed skeletons
litter these magazines.
Ladies, today we fight back.
Men want skin?
Well honey, today's
lingerie line
offers more skin
than any of these
ugly emaciated models
could ever offer!
And ladies, keep eating
those cheeseburgers because
this lingerie line doesn't
come with a size limit.
(FOREBODING MUSIC)
(ROCK MUSIC)
Ginny, looks like you
hit the fucking lotto.
Yeah yeah.
Don't be calling for me.
Don't keep me waiting either.
I have things to attend to.
Oh absolutely, Princess Ginny.
Yo boss, we have a
customer out here!
COLIN: I'm busy, who is it?
Just come out and
see for yourself,
what are you, a fucking invalid?
COLIN: Can't answer a
simple fucking question?!
Yo Ginny, babe, how you doing?
What are you so busy
jacking off to in there,
you can't come outside and
help an old friend, huh?
I was working (MUMBLES).
Now had I know you
were out here with this
(MUMBLES) well I
wouldn't have hesitated.
So quit breaking my balls, huh?
But you have such
tasty balls, Colin.
(GIGGLES)
Ginny, you know I'm a
happily married man now.
Oh right, and I'm an angel.
Don't worry, darling,
I'm just buttering
you up for the
sale, but you know,
I wouldn't really touch
those with a cattle prod!
(LAUGHING)
Always good to see you, Ginny.
What are you thinking, huh?
I was thinking
500 up front and
points on the back end.
Points on the back end?
What do you think this is,
Paramount fucking Pictures?
Shut the fuck up, Verrill.
We got a deal?
Yeah, we got a deal.
Splendid.
Oh, and Colin, I'm
gonna need a ride home.
Yeah yeah, sure, no problem.
Actually I can't spare Verrill
to drive you, so you'll
have to drive yourself.
That's all right.
Verrill, grab a set of keys to
one of the clunkers
there for Ginny.
You lazy old fuck, they're
two feet away from you.
Who the fuck pays
who, get the keys!
Why yes, your majesty,
coming right up.
I'll go and get
you some money.
Alrighty.
COLIN: V, get
that stripped down.
Do come again.
(DRAMATIC VIOLIN MUSIC)
GINNY: Those twats
deserved to die.
Especially the snotty one.
They weren't innocent.
I was the innocent one.
I deserved better,
but I never got it.
Little bitch was
no different than
that whorebag Chloe.
REGGIE: All right
Chloe, straighten
your leg back a little more.
Straighten back a little more.
Yeah, all right Chloe.
Give me that sexy face,
now spank that little butt.
Harder, harder.
I'm just so turned on right
now, I hope you two know that.
Perfect, perfect,
now one more time,
one more time, oh
got it, got it!
Aw yeah, all right ladies,
that was simply gorgeous.
Let's take five.
So when do we shoot my cover?
Chloe, get in the
dominatrix outfit
and bring out the cuffs.
Ginny, can I talk
to you for a moment?
What's the deal?
Well I've been talking
to Mikey and he's
been saying the magazine
needs a new approach.
Guys just ain't
jerking it to the
Betty Page look anymore.
Oh Jesus, Reg!
Oh no no no no, don't
get me wrong, Ginny.
I've always loved your look.
But Mikey's saying
that audiences
want something more like twig.
Something more like Chloe.
Wait, what are you saying?
Well Chloe's gonna be the
never cover model next month.
Then the month after
that and the month
after that and the
month after that.
Well you get the picture.
What?!
So that's it?!
Just like that?!
I'm out?!
Not exactly.
If you know you're up
for something more fun,
we might be able to
arrange something.
Maybe even something for
my private collection.
No, you pig!
Let's just, let's
get this over with!
REGGIE: Do it harder, harder!
Now choke this bitch!
Aw yeah, choke the
life out of her!
Nice, Ginny!
Give her a good showing!
Now hit her so hard!
(SOBBING)
Rip that hair, Chloe!
Rip that hair!
(SCREAMING)
You know, a
young woman such as
yourself should
not be hitchhiking.
I know.
A really creepy guy just
tried picking me up too.
Could you give me a ride?
Really, I'll go to whatever
town you're headed.
All right, I suppose.
Get in.
Okay.
Thank you.
(CAR REVS)
GINNY: Where you coming from?
The heart of Georgia.
Georgia, oh my.
And where you going exactly?
Well I know this sounds silly,
but I'm looking to make
it to New York City.
Aw, let me guess.
Actress.
I know, I told you
it'd sound silly.
And I know I don't
have the look,
I don't match what them Hollywood
types would call beauty.
Now how would
you define beauty?
Tall, skinny, I
mean I don't mean
to say I'm ugly,
and my mama always
used to tell me I
was the prettiest
belle this side of the
Jefferson rideaway,
but it comes to my
thighs, you see.
I got my daddy's genes.
Big ol' lumberjack thighs.
Well now I don't
think that that should
get in the way of your
acting now, do you?
Goodness gracious no.
In fact, as soon as
I get me some money
for my first break,
I will shave off
a few pounds with some
thigh reduction surgery.
I saw it done on a
reality show once.
It looked painful
for the first couple
of weeks, but I'll be darned if
that woman did not have the legs
of Charlize Theron
when she was finished.
GINNY: Really?
And you think that
that will really
help you to become famous?
Of course not as
much as my skill.
My talent should
be the main thing,
you see, I've been
acting since I
was a little girl
putting on plays
in the family room.
I even landed the
role of Blanche
in Street Car Named Desire for
my high school senior
year performance.
GINNY: Really?
You know, that
Tennessee Williams play?
I do, I do, I know it well.
VOICEOVER: He was a boy.
Just a boy when I was
a very young girl.
When I was 16, I
made the discovery.
Love.
GINNY: Love?
What do you know of love?
You and your pretty
little vacant skull.
I bet if I sliced
you open right now,
nothing would ooze
out of your head
but naive notions of
beauty and innocence.
(LAUGHS) I bet you fucked your
first love and he
impregnated you.
Now you're running from it.
You're running from the
fear of what life really is.
Shit, total complete shit.
You know, you go
to New York City,
you go there and
you get raped by
casting directors
salivating over your body.
Be ogled by directors
who lie to you
and tell you that you're
a brilliant actress.
When really all
they're envisioning is
how snug and warm your mouth is
for their throbbing cocks.
Fan boys and stalkers will
beg for your autograph
hoping to be in your presence.
Not because they love you.
But because they wanna
grope your breasts
and they dream of shoving their
pathetically lonely penises into
your great southern twat!
Oh my, oh my.
VOICEOVER: What was that,
did we run over something?
I think so, I think
it might be the tire.
We better pull over.
Do you see anything?
Not on this side.
We better check.
You see anything?
VOICEOVER: I
don't see anything.
GINNY: No?
Nothing?
(SCREAMING)
Goddamn fucking car,
you goddamn fucking bitch!
(DRAMATIC STING)
Blanche...
Was a whore.
(CAR REVS)
Are you tired of
shopping for bathing suits?
Finding only ugly one
piece suits make you feel
like you've been stuffed
into a tube of toothpaste?
Are you sick of
walking down the beach
and having some
insensitive asshole
call you a beached whale?
Just because of your
shiny white one piece?
Ladies, I want you
to take all those
bathing suits and burn them!
Better yet, sew them
all together and
make yourself some nice
(MUMBLES) out of them.
'Cause today, for
the first time ever,
I am unveiling my very first
Suzi's Secret bikini line.
It's time you were let in on...
Suzi's Secret!
The bikini was meant for
everyone to feel free.
The bikini was not
invented solely for
malnourished little girls
to flaunt their flapjacks.
This is exactly what our
supermodel is showing us today.
A beautiful woman modeling
a beautiful display.
Now ordinarily, something
like this would cost
you at least 50, maybe
even $75 or more.
But today we're
offering this to you
for the exclusive
low Suzi's Secret
- price of only $33.99.
- Are you still
watching this nonsense?
SUZI: You too can have this
beautiful outfit for only 33.99.
I don't get it, what's
so appealing about a
bunch of fat chicks
wearing steer-sized undies?
Not underwear, Sal.
Bikini.
More like dental floss
on gigundas like that.
Hey asshole,
you're one to talk.
What's that supposed to mean?
VOICEOVER: Your show
has changed my life
and I think that's amazing.
Women, you will find
real, real women in
these paintings, luscious women,
women who look
like they know how
to finish a steak dinner and you
know what I'm talking
about, don't you?
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
Sal!
What, I'm brushing my teeth.
Hey, come over here.
What?
Look at that
old lady's window.
Think something
happened there today.
Mind your own business, Deb,
I'm sure it's nothing.
There's something
really weird going on.
Debbie, Debbie honey, did
you take your pills today?
Fuck off, Sal.
Debbie.
Yes Sal, I took
my pills, okay?
If you're so
worried about what's
going on, why don't
you just call the cops?
Maybe we oughta do that.
(KNOCKING)
VOICEOVER: Evening, Ginny.
Oh, evening officers.
Evening Ginny, may we come in?
Why certainly.
It's rather late
for you officers
to be knocking on the doors of
lonely old ladies.
Well certainly this isn't what
the kids today call,
oh now what is that,
a booty call?
(LAUGHING)
I can assure you Ginny,
it's purely business.
Oh well in that case
I hope I can help.
Your neighbor filed
a complaint about loud
noises coming from your
house late last night.
And they also
noticed an unfamiliar
vehicle parked in
front of your house?
Oh?
You wouldn't happen
to know anything
about that now would you?
Oh, well...
I do remember seeing a
Honda Civic earlier today.
I mean I can't be sure.
Your neighbor also
noticed that you parked
an older vehicle in front
of your house today?
Oh well yes, as
a matter of fact,
I mean it is still
out there right now.
My friend Colin,
my late brother's
best friend, he
let me borrow a car
so I could run some
errands this week.
Oh, I'm not registered
on his insurance.
Is that illegal, oh
my, I didn't just
incriminate myself, now did I?
I wouldn't worry about
it too much, Ginny.
Just avoid getting
into any accidents.
Oh me?
Oh no!
I don't go above 40 when
I'm behind the wheel.
Hey, are you
watching Suzi's Secret?
Oh why yes as
a matter of fact.
It was just beginning when you
officers walked up to the door.
They play them back to back now.
Well thank you for
your cooperation.
Oh well.
So I'm not under arrest?
Not tonight, maybe tomorrow.
(LAUGHING)
Well in that
case, I will have my
very best quiche
waiting for you all.
Good evening, officers.
This Suzi's Secret must
be a really good show.
It is, why?
Well Ginny said the
rerun had just started.
A home shopping show that's
worth watching twice?
Now that must be really good.
(FOREBODING MUSIC)
What a headache you must have.
(SOBS) Please!
Wah wah, I have
heard it all before.
Me me me.
"Please, please don't hurt me."
"What are you gonna do with me?"
"Why me, why, why why?"
Why not?
I don't know what I did!
I'm sorry, please, oh God!
Oh honey.
Honey, I'm not,
I'm not heartless.
I used to be a lot like you are.
I wanted to be an actress.
I used to go on all
the casting calls.
God knows I have
the arthritic knees
to prove all the begging I did
in the casting office.
But it got me nowhere.
Younger, prettier girls
always got the roles.
Skinny young things that
preferred salad over steak.
You know what?
Instead of asking
me to let you go
and begging me not to kill you,
I have a question for you.
What is beauty?
What?
I don't know.
GINNY: You don't know?
You don't know?
Why your response in the car
was that your
thighs were too big!
(SCREAMING)
That's right!
You said that your thighs were
your biggest hurdle
to becoming famous!
VOICEOVER: (MUMBLES) Jesus!
No no no, I don't
think so, I don't see
any Jesus down here, honeypie.
But I can perform miracles.
I can solve your problems!
(SCREAMING)
This is what you wanted
me to remove, isn't it?
Well isn't it?!
Aww, pretty as a picture.
(SCREAMING)
I want you to look at this.
Damn it, I said look at it!
You see this right here, this
yellow part, this is the fat.
The rest, why the rest is beef.
Succulent, delicious meat that
you can cook it,
you can digest it.
Why, it holds life.
You see how little fat
you had in your thighs?
(LAUGHS) So you see?
You weren't fat, darling.
And you weren't ugly.
You were just stupid.
(GIGGLING)
You ready for your closeup?
(SCREAMING)
You only get one take
though, so energy energy!
Oh come on, honey, what
would your mama say now?
You look just like Charlize
Charono, whatever the hell
that girl's name is.
Oooh, bye bye.
(SAW BUZZING)
(LIGHT SUSPENSE MUSIC)
(ALARM RINGS)
DEBBIE: Sal.
Fuck.
You getting up?
In a bit.
What are you eating?
You know that
little old lady Ginny,
the one who lives
next door, the one you
think worships Satan?
She made it?
Mmmhm.
Brought them over just
a couple minutes ago.
The fuck is it?
I don't know, it's
like buffalo chicken,
but a little spicer,
maybe a little tougher.
You want it?
No.
Suit yourself.
Listen, I have to get to work.
Any big plans for today?
I think I'm gonna write.
Good.
Good.
Deb.
I love you, Deb.
I love you too, Sal.
(FOREBODING MUSIC)
(KNOCKING)
Well howdy there, neighbor.
Hi, listen, thank you
so much for these, okay?
I just wanted to return
the plate for you,
I've gotta get to work, my
wife's gonna be too busy.
What a dedicated
hubby you are.
How did she like them?
She actually didn't have
any, it was (MUMBLES).
Oh.
You mean you ate
them all yourself?
Yes ma'am, they
were delicious.
(LAUGHS) Oh wow, thank you.
You know, you look a
bit under the weather.
Are you sure you wouldn't
like to come in for a moment?
No thank you, I
don't want to be
late for work, but
again, thank you so
much, you have
yourself a great day.
You too, Sal, you too.
Hey V!
Hey V, I want you to pick up
the car from the old lady.
V!
Chop chop!
Come on, I want you to pick
up the car from the old lady.
You fucking drinking?
VERRILL: I had
one fucking drink.
One fucking drink?
Look at the bottle, man!
What the fuck, why
the fuck didn't
you call me, I'm
your fucking sponsor!
(VOMITING)
Oh nice.
Oh you fucker.
I gotta go and collect
the car myself,
look at me, I gotta
go and collect
the fucking car myself
now because of you, okay?
Get your fucking shit together!
I can't take you by the
hand anymore, okay?!
Now get the fuck
up and get showered
and you better be
standing over the
engine of a fucking car when I
get back, now you hear me?!
(VOMITING)
Fucking cocksucker.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
Fucking Virginia.
(LAUGHING)
(DOOR CLOSES)
(KNOCKING)
Ginny, you in
there, it's Colin!
I've come for the car!
Ginny?!
You in there, Ginny?!
Fuck.
The search for Melissa Wallace
and Catherine
McGovern continues on.
The two were last seen leaving
their high school
cheerleading practice
riding in Wallace's
gray Honda Civic,
a birthday present
for the young Melissa.
The two cheerleaders
were last seen on Friday.
The Wallace family
has made several
public statements
including offering up a
$50,000 reward for the safe
return of their daughter.
Ginny!
Ginny!
I know you're in
there honey, you okay?
Ginny?
Ginny, you okay?
Ginny!
Ginny!
Ginny, you okay sweetie?
(OMINOUS MUSIC)
Boo!
Jesus, Ginny, you scared
the fucking shit out of me.
Oh I scared you, Colin?
I'm not getting
any younger lady,
you could've given me
a fucking heart attack.
Hey, you know I'm not the one
skulking around
somebody else's house.
Well if you had brought back
the car you borrowed I wouldn't
be skulking anywhere, would I?
I was gonna bring it back,
but I wanted to get the
window repaired first!
I'm sorry, (MUMBLES).
Just get me the
keys and I'll have
Verrill take care of it.
Sure, sure, just
give me a second.
COLIN: You look
like you're cooking
(MUMBLES) here lady.
Done a fair bit of cooking
in my time you know.
I like to get into the kitchen,
roll up the sleeves, make
a nice bearnaise sauce.
Is that so?
COLIN: Uh huh.
Have your keys right here.
Bring them over.
Looks like you fucking
severed a pig here though.
(DRAMATIC STING)
Jesus!
(FOREBODING MUSIC)
Glad somebody called you,
she has a man in her house.
Right now.
Mrs. Lombardo, we need
to talk to you inside.
Okay, yes, but she has a man
in there right now, please!
It's about your
husband Salvatore.
What about Sal, Sal's at work.
I'm sorry, but he
perished in a car accident.
What?!
Ma'am, I'm sorry, but
your husband's dead.
He's at work.
My husband is at work!
Right?
(SOBS) My husband's
at work, right?
He's at...
Is he at work?
(SOBS) (MUMBLES)
to know anything.
He's at work!
No, he's at work!
Oh hello.
I'm so glad you're awake, Colin.
Oooh, you're frisky aren't you?
Hey Colin, I have
a question for you.
You ever seen this show?
No, I figured you hadn't.
It is my favorite show though.
Not because I'm a shopaholic or
anything like that.
In actuality, I just admire what
this Suzi's trying to do.
(LAUGHING)
Oooh, say, do you
know how I know
why you don't like this show?
Because, move your butt over,
because you have a penis!
(LAUGHING)
Aww, don't worry Colin baby,
I'm not gonna cut
off your penis.
No, no that's something that you
might have to see in a movie.
No, you know I'm all about the
punishment that fits the crime.
Judging from what
I know about you,
you are a man,
just like any man,
concerned with yourself!
(COUGHING)
Concerned with
your own pleasure!
You know I have a
question for you, Colin.
When your penis
still has life in it
and your wife gave you head,
did you, did you
return the favor?
Did you at least finger her?
Aww, baby doll,
you're gonna make
this hard for me aren't you?
Time to release the
(MUMBLES) Colin.
(MUFFLED SCREAMING)
Are you readY?
This little piggy
went to market.
This little piggy stayed home.
This little piggy
had roast beef.
Shit.
And this little piggy had none!
And this little piggy
cried wah wah wah
wah wah all the
fucking way home!
(SOBBING)
(KNOCKING)
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
You still don't get
it, do you, Colin?
After all this, you
still don't get it.
You men, all men have failed us.
You've had centuries
and millennium
to fix the Hell that
you brought onto Earth.
What have you done, all you have
done is to constantly
explore new
ways to exploit women.
You fuck with our minds just so
you can fuck with our bodies!
And then, then when we're old,
when we're your age, Colin,
well then what happens?
After we have primped and shaved
every fucking
crevice of our body,
after we have
developed a newborn
neurosis, after a
newborn neurosis,
and anxiously
worried about whether
this body part is
too fat or this
body part is too thin,
what then Colin?!
You toss us to the side
like a used Kleenex
that you just jerked off into!
Fuck that and fuck you, Colin!
(SOBBING)
(GAGGING)
Ladies, I am
here today to talk
to you about one of
the most difficult,
delicate subjects for plus
size women that there is.
Underwear.
That's right, while
most women can
just sift through a catalog or
stroll down to the
nearest store or mall
or department store,
wherever the hell they go,
what are we left to do, huh?
Why are we always
stuck having to wear
those massive parachute
panties, tell me that.
Why do I have to
choose from actually
finishing everything
on my plate and
feeling sexy and
desirable in my lingerie?
I mean come on!
They tell you this
pizza's delicious,
and you order up another pie.
Answer me this, why?
As I, a modern woman, tell me,
maybe I wanna finish
my three dollar steak.
And who knows, maybe I wanna eat
my mashed potatoes
and my string beans
and fuck, maybe
I wanna follow it
down with a crème brulee or who
the fuck knows what else.
Why at the end of the night is
my date stuck having
to pull granny
panties off of
this luscious ass?
You tell me that.
Ladies, it's time that you were
let in on Suzi's Secret!
VOICEOVER: Cut it all off.
Give me something
that's easy to maintain,
like Linda Gray
or Joan Crawford.
But mom, I told you I wanted
to grow my hair
like Brooke Shields.
No!
Linda Gray.
Mom's the boss.
Mommy, no, please!
Cut her!
Sorry.
Have to.
Nooo!
I told you to stop crying.
I just wanted my hair like...
'Cause you wanted to look
like Brooke Shields, right?
Right?
Because you thought it
would make daddy come home.
Well you're wrong,
he's not coming home.
Not now, not ever!
Do you understand that?
Keep it going, Debbie!
We need these rosebushes
installed by nightfall!
And I don't care if it
takes all day, little lady!
Come on, young lady, dig!
Dig, damn you, dig!
I'm digging!
Not with your
hands, is that how I
raised you, to behave
like a little piglet?!
(GRUNTING)
So from the unhappiness of
two, this evil has sprung.
A curse on the man
and woman alike.
Is happiness enough?
Where is it today?
I ask you, Deb.
Where is it today?
DEBBIE: Ginny?
(GHOSTLY WHISPERS)
What?
Hello?
(OMINOUS MUSIC)
(DRAMATIC STING)
(GHOSTLY WHISPERS)
No.
No!
No, I'm not gonna die!
No!
No!
Please, I'm not gonna die!
No!
Please!
(KNOCKING)
Could you imagine
a world without evil?
No.
(GROANING)
Fuck.
Shit.
Colin!
Colin, I'm sorry!
Colin!
Verrill, gone to collect
the car at Ginny's.
One more strike, we're done.
Back by four and
we'll go to a meeting.
Colin, it's Verrill,
call me back.
Catherine, is Colin there?
He's not answering
his cell phone.
Shit.
Nothing, I'll call you back.
I'd like to report
a missing person.
How are you doing on
this gorgeous afternoon?
Jehova's Witness?
Yes, we're better
known as that,
but personally I prefer
the term restorationist.
I see.
My name's Melanie and
I may call you Mrs...
GINNY: It's Miss, and
you may call me Ginny.
Why it's wonderful
to meet you, Ginny.
Oh cut the crap, sweetie.
If you wanna talk
God, come on in
and have a seat on the couch.
I'm an old lady.
Standing here at the door
is beginning to hurt my hip.
Come on.
(DRAMATIC VIOLIN MUSIC)
My favorite show.
(LAUGHS) It's coming
on in just a bit,
and well I always like to nibble
on something while I'm
watching television.
Now don't you?
Yes, I know what
you mean Miss Ginny,
but honestly I'm
really not hungry.
Unless of course you mean
a hunger for salvation.
What are you?
Too good for my
tea and crackers?
You think yourself
better than me
just because you found God?
No no.
Well, I guess some tea and
crackers couldn't possibly hurt.
Well good.
Then drink up.
Oh.
To the glory of Christ.
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)
MELANIE: Have
you ever imagined
a world without evil?
GINNY: How?
See, this is what I'm
talking about, Miss Ginny.
Think of it, a
world without wrong,
without corruption,
without hate.
A world filled with love.
Nothing but God's
everlasting embrace.
GINNY: I will be farting
sunshine and pissing rainbows.
Have you not looked out there?
(LAUGHS) A world without evil.
The world is shit, Miss Melanie.
And it is shit because there is
no good and there is no evil.
Things just are.
I share your frustration,
believe me I do,
but as the scriptures tell us,
there was a time when
the world had no evil.
(RUSTLING)
Did you hear something?
MELANIE: Think
I heard something.
GINNY: Must be squirrels.
But honestly, all
I'm really hearing
is your lost soul spiraling into
the darkness, Miss Ginny.
But it's never too late.
Never too late for what?
Why salvation, Miss
Ginny, salvation!
But only you can make
it happen, Ginny.
As the scriptures
tell us, Abraham...
GINNY: I used to have a
pair of tits like that once.
Perky, supple.
Except mine were bigger.
At least like
fucking cantaloupes.
I also had a full body.
Not skinny and in
need of a hot meal
like she desperately does.
And at least I had a brain!
How dare she call
me a lost soul!
Lost soul, feh!
Does she feel the love of God?
Is that why she's so thin?
Does she think that
God, if He exists,
somehow loves her
more than others?
Simply because she was born with
an eating disorder
and a small frame?
Thousands of years
ago this little
bitch would've fallen victim to
Darwinian as surely
back then men
would have wanted a stronger,
more robust woman with tits that
could sufficiently
feed their offspring!
I guess even in the 21st
century Darwin still applies.
Ready, ladies?
Today is our Suzi's
Secret Sunday Special.
Here at Suzi's Secret,
we are all about
empowering real women
with real waistlines!
For the past few months we have
busted down the
barriers that try
to restrict our inner beauty.
We've offered bras and panties
and outerwear and day wear all
at rock bottom prices!
Today is something
very very special.
Today, we don't just
take back our bodies.
Today, we don't just
take back our beauty.
Today, we take back the bedroom!
(LAUGHING)
Get ready, ladies.
Get ready.
It's time you were let
in on Suzi's Secret!
(LAUGHING)
But not just any secret.
Behold, as our Suzi's
Secret plus size beauty
shows us the first
outfit to come
tonight as I
unleash my brand new
Suzi's Secret dominatrix line!
(LAUGHING)
MELANIE: (SOBS) Please!
For fuck's sake.
I have heard it all before.
(FAKE SOBBING) Oh look at you.
Cry like the little
lamb that your
nonexistent God
expects from you.
MELANIE: Let me go!
God will forgive you!
I will forgive you, please!
I don't need your forgiveness.
(SCREAMING)
Are you a virgin, Melanie?
Please stop.
Please, please stop, please!
Hey, I asked you a question!
I said are you a
virgin, Melanie?
Yes.
Oh I figured.
I figured a young,
stupid Christian girl
like you, you've probably never
even seen a big throbbing cock.
Never mind had it
forcefully shoved
up your hallowed twat.
(LAUGHING)
Oh my.
I'll bet that you were even
saving yourself for God.
I'll bet that you
even masturbate
to Him when your
parents aren't home
and then you pray to
Him for forgiveness.
Oh God, oh God, yes, oh yes!
Oh God, oh God, no no!
Do you want to stay
a virgin, Melanie?
'Cause you know what?
You know, do you
want to, do you want
to resist sin, Melanie?
'Cause you know what, I
could help you resist sin.
We just need to
remove your clitoris.
MELANIE: No,
please just let me go!
Are you ready, honeypie?
(SOBS) Please
help me, oh please.
(SCREAMING)
My God, that is good.
You want some?
No?
More for me.
Virginal is the best.
It is chewy like...
Oh, top grade clams.
Now let's see to that clitoris.
No, no, no, no no no no!
Quit your fucking bitching or
I'll just rip off
your entire vagina!
MELANIE: No!
Okay, it needs a
little tenderizing.
Don't you go anywhere.
(LAUGHING)
Oh God please.
Please help me!
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
You fucking freak!
(DRAMATIC STING)
Fucking bitch!
DEBBIE: Fuck!
God bless you.
- Please untie me, please!
- Shh, shut the fuck up.
Shhh.
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)
GINNY: Grrr!
Fucking bitch!
We want to be the ones...
Smack your (MUMBLES).
Goddamn cunt!
(SCREAMING)
My eyes!
DEBBIE: Fuck your eyes!
(SCREAMING)
My eyes!
My eyes!
Stop, police!
Drop the weapon!
Drop the weapon!
(GUNFIRE)
(OMINOUS MUSIC)
SUZI: No longer
do we allow our
insecurities, our
low self-esteem,
our anxieties to prevent us from
having real fun in the bedroom.
Men and women are not
from different species.
They have the same needs,
wants, and carnal desires.
The only obstacle to
humanity is humanity.
Ladies, I'm here to tell
you we have met the enemy.
And she is lust.
(DRAMATIC VIOLIN MUSIC)
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
(REMIXED POP MUSIC)
VOICEOVER: Ready!
One, two!
Go, fight, win!
Yell it, go, fight, win!
Go, fight, win!
Yell it, go, fight, win!
Yell it, go, fight, win!
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
All right everyone,
gather around and
pick up this year's
fundraiser magazines.
(WHISPERS) God,
not this shit again.
(WHISPERS) Shhh,
Coach Lisa will hear.
(MUMBLES).
Missy Wallace, you will raise
more money than last year or you
will risk your
Captaincy for the Fall.
What?!
That's so totally fucked,
you can't do that!
Young lady, you will
watch your language
and you will raise more
money than last year.
Or I will replace you.
This team is not
for freeloaders,
no matter how pretty or
popular they think they are.
Push the wool
sweaters, we have a
great markup on them this year.
(FOREBODING MUSIC)
(CAR REVS)
Good day, sir.
What?
I said good day, sir!
Are you lost?
Oh no, we're cheerleaders from
the local high school,
we're going door
to door to raise
funds for our squad.
Raise money?
What?
You tell that son
of a bitch Glazer
that I mailed in my
real estate taxes.
This township is
not getting another
cent out of my social
security check!
Goddammit!
No, wait, sir...
Deviants!
You're all deviants,
every last one of you!
No, sir, wait!
Grr, this is such a
fucking bad idea, Katie!
We've only two sweatshirts
and it's already
7 PM, these old gasbags
are fucking cheap!
Actually it was a sweatshirt
and bikini briefs
to that hairy guy.
MISSY: Can we
just get the fuck
out of here already?
KATIE: Just one more house!
Come on Missy, someone's
gotta buy something.
Besides, do you really want Amy
to show you up again?
All right!
(FOREBODING MUSIC)
(KNOCKING)
Can we please just go?
Someone's coming.
Good afternoon, Ma'am!
Whoa, easy there, honey.
I'm old, not deaf.
Oh, I'm sorry, it's just that
so many of your neighbors seem
to have a difficult
time hearing.
What's that you say?
I said your...
(LAUGHS) Honey, I'm
joking with you, honeypie.
I'm well aware of the
age of my neighbors.
In fact, Harold next
door, he passed away
just a few months ago,
but apparently old
Harry's house was sold
to a young couple,
so we should be
getting some fresh
blood into the
neighborhood soon enough.
(WHISPERS)
Congratu-fucking-lations.
(LAUGHS) You just wait until
you're old too, sweetie.
Yes, well our
squad is desperately
in need of funds and we're going
door to door to raise money.
Well you don't say.
You know what, I was just
getting ready to
sit down and have
a nice cup of tea and watch my
favorite television show.
Why don't you girls
come on inside and we
can discuss what you
have to offer me, hmmm?
- We'd love to.
- No.
GINNY: Well great.
Come on.
(LIGHT POP MUSIC)
I thought you said your
favorite show was coming on!
GINNY: There's
no need to scream,
I can hear you just fine.
And it is.
All I see is a shopping show.
Oh well yes, my favorite
show is Suzi's Secret.
The hell is that?
SUZI: In a modern
world that judges
women based on their
outer appearance,
that tells us lose weight or
else you're not beautiful,
That says so you
actually enjoy eating?
Well guess what,
you're fat and ugly.
He's a show that says to
you stop this insanity!
(LAUGHING)
Are you not stick skinny?
Do you actually have hips?
Do you, gasp, dare to feel
beautiful in spite of it all?
Then you've turned
into where real women
know how to help you
flaunt your fabulousness.
You've tuned into Suzi's Secret!
What the fucK?
(LAUGHING)
Do you girls like quiche?
Sure.
Oh how wonderful,
I'm just in time.
SUZI: Welcome to the show,
fellow fabulous females!
We have an incredible show
in store for you tonight
featuring some super
sexy and bootylicious
designs from one of my favorite
designers ever,
Jessica (MUMBLES).
And offered for a
limited time only
to you, our fab female audience.
(LAUGHS) More like
fat female audience!
Please, you're not even
half that whale's size.
Any woman buying something like
that is wasting their money.
Not as big a waste
as whatever your
daddy spent on
those big puppies.
So what is it you girls
have to offer me, hmm?
Everything we
offer, all the funds
go to help our squad.
GINNY: Oh so you say.
Excuse me, but
where's your bathroom?
Oh, don't you
wanna try the tea?
I have to piss.
Missy!
Oh that's all right.
I've heard much worse
language in my time.
The little girl's room is down
the hall, first
door to the left.
First door to the left.
Got it!
So like I was
saying, we have a
great selection
here and everything
we offer is made right here in
the good ol' US of A.
Require an additional
fee, but our latest
delivery time is only
two weeks and with...
GINNY: Look at those legs.
Fucking twigs for calves.
Though the thighs have
some meat to them.
Probably tasty with a little bit
of garlic and onion seasoning.
Oh she's probably
thinking look at
the purple monster
eater on the television.
See, she doesn't
realize that I saw
her face when the show came on.
I know she's disgusted.
They're always disgusted.
These little twigs.
These disgusted, putrid,
self-centered little twigs.
(LAUGHS) She thinks
because I picked on
her friend that
she's in the clear.
Well she's just a big
a whore as the other.
So what if she
doesn't get the most
popular boy, she's
still sucking off
the popular boy's tag-a-long.
Ugh, how pathetic.
Now if her flesh is
to taste good at all,
I'll have to cook out
any venereal diseases
that she got from
sucking off of...
(DOOR OPENS)
SUZI: Satisfaction.
GINNY: Oh my.
You look a little flushed.
Oh no no, have some more tea.
(FOREBODING MUSIC)
(DRAMATIC STING)
Shit, Katie!
Come on come on,
we gotta get the
fuck out of here, come on!
Come on, come on, we gotta
get the fuck out of here!
Hello, girl.
(SHRIEKS)
No!
GINNY: Why not?
Three strikes you're out.
At the old ball game.
(GIGGLES)
Home sweet home.
DEBBIE: This isn't home, Sal.
SAL: It is now, Deb.
No Sal, it's not,
home is New York.
This place is Hell.
Worse, it's fucking
worse than Hell,
it's Fishville, it's
the goddamn suburbs,
this is so stupid.
Nice, real fucking nice.
Look, you know why we're here.
Please, you wanna
talk about my shrink
again like some fucking
guilt trip, Sal?
What is your fucking problem?!
You are my problem!
Why are we here?!
Well?!
What?
I need the keys, shitface!
SAL: Jesus Christ, you
gotta be so fucking loud?
You'll wake the neighbors.
(FAINT WHIRRING NOISE)
Shh.
Do you hear that?
I don't hear anything.
You don't hear that whirring?
She's probably just vacuuming.
Who vacuums in the
middle of the night, Sal?
How the hell should
I know, if you're so
interested, go over
and ask her yourself.
The old coot's
probably vacuuming.
I'm gonna go to the
van, I'm gonna get
the boxes, take in
the air mattress
and set them up, and
I'm going to sleep.
They're probably just cleaning.
Old ladies love to
clean, like my mother.
She used to clean
all fucking day.
That's cause you and your
brothers were slobs, Sal.
Maybe so, but
I'll tell you what.
How much damage
could we really do
seeing that she had
half the furniture
fucking covered in plastic.
Besides, what do you
care what they're up to?
Wouldn't you be
more interested in
what your husband is up to?
No, not tonight, Sal.
I'm so tired, I'm stressed.
I don't know what
to do tomorrow.
Sal!
Sal!
Sal!
Sal.
(LIGHT FANCIFUL MUSIC)
(OMINOUS MUSIC)
GINNY: I'm still hungry.
Oh my goodness.
That is so good.
You know, I'm not exactly sure,
but I think their cheerleading
career just might be over.
Rah rah, sis boom bah.
(CHUCKLING)
(HUMMING)
Your turn, honeypie.
Shut up.
(MUFFLED SCREAMING)
(DRAMATIC STING)
Pathetic.
How could any sort of man have
any kind of interest
in your body?
I mean skinny little
arms, boney legs, and...
Fake breasts.
(MUFFLED) No, please!
Help me!
(SCREAMING)
Ooo, darling, I bet
you can't even feel this.
Rah rah!
Sis boom bah!
(SCREAMING)
My, my.
You're not so perky
now, are you bitch?
(DRAMATIC STING)
Rise and shine, beautiful.
What, you not get
enough sleep last night?
Dream, Sal.
Well it's probably
from all the stress,
you can talk to your new
doctor about it next week.
And don't forget the movers are
coming today around
three o'clock.
DEBBIE: I know Sal,
just let me sleep.
Deb, I'm serious,
if you're not
here when the
movers come and they
pull the furniture
off the truck,
they're just gonna
put it in the middle...
Where the fuck
am I gonna go Sal,
I don't know anybody here!
With the local VFW for bingo?
God, you're a fucking douchebag.
Nice, Deb.
Real nice.
Is that what you call
behavioral modification?
How many times
have you gone to
the mailbox expecting
a card from a
loved one, or maybe
a postcard from
a relative vacationing
on a tropical island?
Instead, you're greeted
by something far worse.
Not an unwanted bill.
But a swimsuit or
lingerie catalog.
And you ladies know
why I'm saying these
things are such a
disappointment, don't you?
Real women, women like us can't
even look at these things!
Instead of featuring real women
with some meat on their bones,
airbrushed skeletons
litter these magazines.
Ladies, today we fight back.
Men want skin?
Well honey, today's
lingerie line
offers more skin
than any of these
ugly emaciated models
could ever offer!
And ladies, keep eating
those cheeseburgers because
this lingerie line doesn't
come with a size limit.
(FOREBODING MUSIC)
(ROCK MUSIC)
Ginny, looks like you
hit the fucking lotto.
Yeah yeah.
Don't be calling for me.
Don't keep me waiting either.
I have things to attend to.
Oh absolutely, Princess Ginny.
Yo boss, we have a
customer out here!
COLIN: I'm busy, who is it?
Just come out and
see for yourself,
what are you, a fucking invalid?
COLIN: Can't answer a
simple fucking question?!
Yo Ginny, babe, how you doing?
What are you so busy
jacking off to in there,
you can't come outside and
help an old friend, huh?
I was working (MUMBLES).
Now had I know you
were out here with this
(MUMBLES) well I
wouldn't have hesitated.
So quit breaking my balls, huh?
But you have such
tasty balls, Colin.
(GIGGLES)
Ginny, you know I'm a
happily married man now.
Oh right, and I'm an angel.
Don't worry, darling,
I'm just buttering
you up for the
sale, but you know,
I wouldn't really touch
those with a cattle prod!
(LAUGHING)
Always good to see you, Ginny.
What are you thinking, huh?
I was thinking
500 up front and
points on the back end.
Points on the back end?
What do you think this is,
Paramount fucking Pictures?
Shut the fuck up, Verrill.
We got a deal?
Yeah, we got a deal.
Splendid.
Oh, and Colin, I'm
gonna need a ride home.
Yeah yeah, sure, no problem.
Actually I can't spare Verrill
to drive you, so you'll
have to drive yourself.
That's all right.
Verrill, grab a set of keys to
one of the clunkers
there for Ginny.
You lazy old fuck, they're
two feet away from you.
Who the fuck pays
who, get the keys!
Why yes, your majesty,
coming right up.
I'll go and get
you some money.
Alrighty.
COLIN: V, get
that stripped down.
Do come again.
(DRAMATIC VIOLIN MUSIC)
GINNY: Those twats
deserved to die.
Especially the snotty one.
They weren't innocent.
I was the innocent one.
I deserved better,
but I never got it.
Little bitch was
no different than
that whorebag Chloe.
REGGIE: All right
Chloe, straighten
your leg back a little more.
Straighten back a little more.
Yeah, all right Chloe.
Give me that sexy face,
now spank that little butt.
Harder, harder.
I'm just so turned on right
now, I hope you two know that.
Perfect, perfect,
now one more time,
one more time, oh
got it, got it!
Aw yeah, all right ladies,
that was simply gorgeous.
Let's take five.
So when do we shoot my cover?
Chloe, get in the
dominatrix outfit
and bring out the cuffs.
Ginny, can I talk
to you for a moment?
What's the deal?
Well I've been talking
to Mikey and he's
been saying the magazine
needs a new approach.
Guys just ain't
jerking it to the
Betty Page look anymore.
Oh Jesus, Reg!
Oh no no no no, don't
get me wrong, Ginny.
I've always loved your look.
But Mikey's saying
that audiences
want something more like twig.
Something more like Chloe.
Wait, what are you saying?
Well Chloe's gonna be the
never cover model next month.
Then the month after
that and the month
after that and the
month after that.
Well you get the picture.
What?!
So that's it?!
Just like that?!
I'm out?!
Not exactly.
If you know you're up
for something more fun,
we might be able to
arrange something.
Maybe even something for
my private collection.
No, you pig!
Let's just, let's
get this over with!
REGGIE: Do it harder, harder!
Now choke this bitch!
Aw yeah, choke the
life out of her!
Nice, Ginny!
Give her a good showing!
Now hit her so hard!
(SOBBING)
Rip that hair, Chloe!
Rip that hair!
(SCREAMING)
You know, a
young woman such as
yourself should
not be hitchhiking.
I know.
A really creepy guy just
tried picking me up too.
Could you give me a ride?
Really, I'll go to whatever
town you're headed.
All right, I suppose.
Get in.
Okay.
Thank you.
(CAR REVS)
GINNY: Where you coming from?
The heart of Georgia.
Georgia, oh my.
And where you going exactly?
Well I know this sounds silly,
but I'm looking to make
it to New York City.
Aw, let me guess.
Actress.
I know, I told you
it'd sound silly.
And I know I don't
have the look,
I don't match what them Hollywood
types would call beauty.
Now how would
you define beauty?
Tall, skinny, I
mean I don't mean
to say I'm ugly,
and my mama always
used to tell me I
was the prettiest
belle this side of the
Jefferson rideaway,
but it comes to my
thighs, you see.
I got my daddy's genes.
Big ol' lumberjack thighs.
Well now I don't
think that that should
get in the way of your
acting now, do you?
Goodness gracious no.
In fact, as soon as
I get me some money
for my first break,
I will shave off
a few pounds with some
thigh reduction surgery.
I saw it done on a
reality show once.
It looked painful
for the first couple
of weeks, but I'll be darned if
that woman did not have the legs
of Charlize Theron
when she was finished.
GINNY: Really?
And you think that
that will really
help you to become famous?
Of course not as
much as my skill.
My talent should
be the main thing,
you see, I've been
acting since I
was a little girl
putting on plays
in the family room.
I even landed the
role of Blanche
in Street Car Named Desire for
my high school senior
year performance.
GINNY: Really?
You know, that
Tennessee Williams play?
I do, I do, I know it well.
VOICEOVER: He was a boy.
Just a boy when I was
a very young girl.
When I was 16, I
made the discovery.
Love.
GINNY: Love?
What do you know of love?
You and your pretty
little vacant skull.
I bet if I sliced
you open right now,
nothing would ooze
out of your head
but naive notions of
beauty and innocence.
(LAUGHS) I bet you fucked your
first love and he
impregnated you.
Now you're running from it.
You're running from the
fear of what life really is.
Shit, total complete shit.
You know, you go
to New York City,
you go there and
you get raped by
casting directors
salivating over your body.
Be ogled by directors
who lie to you
and tell you that you're
a brilliant actress.
When really all
they're envisioning is
how snug and warm your mouth is
for their throbbing cocks.
Fan boys and stalkers will
beg for your autograph
hoping to be in your presence.
Not because they love you.
But because they wanna
grope your breasts
and they dream of shoving their
pathetically lonely penises into
your great southern twat!
Oh my, oh my.
VOICEOVER: What was that,
did we run over something?
I think so, I think
it might be the tire.
We better pull over.
Do you see anything?
Not on this side.
We better check.
You see anything?
VOICEOVER: I
don't see anything.
GINNY: No?
Nothing?
(SCREAMING)
Goddamn fucking car,
you goddamn fucking bitch!
(DRAMATIC STING)
Blanche...
Was a whore.
(CAR REVS)
Are you tired of
shopping for bathing suits?
Finding only ugly one
piece suits make you feel
like you've been stuffed
into a tube of toothpaste?
Are you sick of
walking down the beach
and having some
insensitive asshole
call you a beached whale?
Just because of your
shiny white one piece?
Ladies, I want you
to take all those
bathing suits and burn them!
Better yet, sew them
all together and
make yourself some nice
(MUMBLES) out of them.
'Cause today, for
the first time ever,
I am unveiling my very first
Suzi's Secret bikini line.
It's time you were let in on...
Suzi's Secret!
The bikini was meant for
everyone to feel free.
The bikini was not
invented solely for
malnourished little girls
to flaunt their flapjacks.
This is exactly what our
supermodel is showing us today.
A beautiful woman modeling
a beautiful display.
Now ordinarily, something
like this would cost
you at least 50, maybe
even $75 or more.
But today we're
offering this to you
for the exclusive
low Suzi's Secret
- price of only $33.99.
- Are you still
watching this nonsense?
SUZI: You too can have this
beautiful outfit for only 33.99.
I don't get it, what's
so appealing about a
bunch of fat chicks
wearing steer-sized undies?
Not underwear, Sal.
Bikini.
More like dental floss
on gigundas like that.
Hey asshole,
you're one to talk.
What's that supposed to mean?
VOICEOVER: Your show
has changed my life
and I think that's amazing.
Women, you will find
real, real women in
these paintings, luscious women,
women who look
like they know how
to finish a steak dinner and you
know what I'm talking
about, don't you?
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
Sal!
What, I'm brushing my teeth.
Hey, come over here.
What?
Look at that
old lady's window.
Think something
happened there today.
Mind your own business, Deb,
I'm sure it's nothing.
There's something
really weird going on.
Debbie, Debbie honey, did
you take your pills today?
Fuck off, Sal.
Debbie.
Yes Sal, I took
my pills, okay?
If you're so
worried about what's
going on, why don't
you just call the cops?
Maybe we oughta do that.
(KNOCKING)
VOICEOVER: Evening, Ginny.
Oh, evening officers.
Evening Ginny, may we come in?
Why certainly.
It's rather late
for you officers
to be knocking on the doors of
lonely old ladies.
Well certainly this isn't what
the kids today call,
oh now what is that,
a booty call?
(LAUGHING)
I can assure you Ginny,
it's purely business.
Oh well in that case
I hope I can help.
Your neighbor filed
a complaint about loud
noises coming from your
house late last night.
And they also
noticed an unfamiliar
vehicle parked in
front of your house?
Oh?
You wouldn't happen
to know anything
about that now would you?
Oh, well...
I do remember seeing a
Honda Civic earlier today.
I mean I can't be sure.
Your neighbor also
noticed that you parked
an older vehicle in front
of your house today?
Oh well yes, as
a matter of fact,
I mean it is still
out there right now.
My friend Colin,
my late brother's
best friend, he
let me borrow a car
so I could run some
errands this week.
Oh, I'm not registered
on his insurance.
Is that illegal, oh
my, I didn't just
incriminate myself, now did I?
I wouldn't worry about
it too much, Ginny.
Just avoid getting
into any accidents.
Oh me?
Oh no!
I don't go above 40 when
I'm behind the wheel.
Hey, are you
watching Suzi's Secret?
Oh why yes as
a matter of fact.
It was just beginning when you
officers walked up to the door.
They play them back to back now.
Well thank you for
your cooperation.
Oh well.
So I'm not under arrest?
Not tonight, maybe tomorrow.
(LAUGHING)
Well in that
case, I will have my
very best quiche
waiting for you all.
Good evening, officers.
This Suzi's Secret must
be a really good show.
It is, why?
Well Ginny said the
rerun had just started.
A home shopping show that's
worth watching twice?
Now that must be really good.
(FOREBODING MUSIC)
What a headache you must have.
(SOBS) Please!
Wah wah, I have
heard it all before.
Me me me.
"Please, please don't hurt me."
"What are you gonna do with me?"
"Why me, why, why why?"
Why not?
I don't know what I did!
I'm sorry, please, oh God!
Oh honey.
Honey, I'm not,
I'm not heartless.
I used to be a lot like you are.
I wanted to be an actress.
I used to go on all
the casting calls.
God knows I have
the arthritic knees
to prove all the begging I did
in the casting office.
But it got me nowhere.
Younger, prettier girls
always got the roles.
Skinny young things that
preferred salad over steak.
You know what?
Instead of asking
me to let you go
and begging me not to kill you,
I have a question for you.
What is beauty?
What?
I don't know.
GINNY: You don't know?
You don't know?
Why your response in the car
was that your
thighs were too big!
(SCREAMING)
That's right!
You said that your thighs were
your biggest hurdle
to becoming famous!
VOICEOVER: (MUMBLES) Jesus!
No no no, I don't
think so, I don't see
any Jesus down here, honeypie.
But I can perform miracles.
I can solve your problems!
(SCREAMING)
This is what you wanted
me to remove, isn't it?
Well isn't it?!
Aww, pretty as a picture.
(SCREAMING)
I want you to look at this.
Damn it, I said look at it!
You see this right here, this
yellow part, this is the fat.
The rest, why the rest is beef.
Succulent, delicious meat that
you can cook it,
you can digest it.
Why, it holds life.
You see how little fat
you had in your thighs?
(LAUGHS) So you see?
You weren't fat, darling.
And you weren't ugly.
You were just stupid.
(GIGGLING)
You ready for your closeup?
(SCREAMING)
You only get one take
though, so energy energy!
Oh come on, honey, what
would your mama say now?
You look just like Charlize
Charono, whatever the hell
that girl's name is.
Oooh, bye bye.
(SAW BUZZING)
(LIGHT SUSPENSE MUSIC)
(ALARM RINGS)
DEBBIE: Sal.
Fuck.
You getting up?
In a bit.
What are you eating?
You know that
little old lady Ginny,
the one who lives
next door, the one you
think worships Satan?
She made it?
Mmmhm.
Brought them over just
a couple minutes ago.
The fuck is it?
I don't know, it's
like buffalo chicken,
but a little spicer,
maybe a little tougher.
You want it?
No.
Suit yourself.
Listen, I have to get to work.
Any big plans for today?
I think I'm gonna write.
Good.
Good.
Deb.
I love you, Deb.
I love you too, Sal.
(FOREBODING MUSIC)
(KNOCKING)
Well howdy there, neighbor.
Hi, listen, thank you
so much for these, okay?
I just wanted to return
the plate for you,
I've gotta get to work, my
wife's gonna be too busy.
What a dedicated
hubby you are.
How did she like them?
She actually didn't have
any, it was (MUMBLES).
Oh.
You mean you ate
them all yourself?
Yes ma'am, they
were delicious.
(LAUGHS) Oh wow, thank you.
You know, you look a
bit under the weather.
Are you sure you wouldn't
like to come in for a moment?
No thank you, I
don't want to be
late for work, but
again, thank you so
much, you have
yourself a great day.
You too, Sal, you too.
Hey V!
Hey V, I want you to pick up
the car from the old lady.
V!
Chop chop!
Come on, I want you to pick
up the car from the old lady.
You fucking drinking?
VERRILL: I had
one fucking drink.
One fucking drink?
Look at the bottle, man!
What the fuck, why
the fuck didn't
you call me, I'm
your fucking sponsor!
(VOMITING)
Oh nice.
Oh you fucker.
I gotta go and collect
the car myself,
look at me, I gotta
go and collect
the fucking car myself
now because of you, okay?
Get your fucking shit together!
I can't take you by the
hand anymore, okay?!
Now get the fuck
up and get showered
and you better be
standing over the
engine of a fucking car when I
get back, now you hear me?!
(VOMITING)
Fucking cocksucker.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
Fucking Virginia.
(LAUGHING)
(DOOR CLOSES)
(KNOCKING)
Ginny, you in
there, it's Colin!
I've come for the car!
Ginny?!
You in there, Ginny?!
Fuck.
The search for Melissa Wallace
and Catherine
McGovern continues on.
The two were last seen leaving
their high school
cheerleading practice
riding in Wallace's
gray Honda Civic,
a birthday present
for the young Melissa.
The two cheerleaders
were last seen on Friday.
The Wallace family
has made several
public statements
including offering up a
$50,000 reward for the safe
return of their daughter.
Ginny!
Ginny!
I know you're in
there honey, you okay?
Ginny?
Ginny, you okay?
Ginny!
Ginny!
Ginny, you okay sweetie?
(OMINOUS MUSIC)
Boo!
Jesus, Ginny, you scared
the fucking shit out of me.
Oh I scared you, Colin?
I'm not getting
any younger lady,
you could've given me
a fucking heart attack.
Hey, you know I'm not the one
skulking around
somebody else's house.
Well if you had brought back
the car you borrowed I wouldn't
be skulking anywhere, would I?
I was gonna bring it back,
but I wanted to get the
window repaired first!
I'm sorry, (MUMBLES).
Just get me the
keys and I'll have
Verrill take care of it.
Sure, sure, just
give me a second.
COLIN: You look
like you're cooking
(MUMBLES) here lady.
Done a fair bit of cooking
in my time you know.
I like to get into the kitchen,
roll up the sleeves, make
a nice bearnaise sauce.
Is that so?
COLIN: Uh huh.
Have your keys right here.
Bring them over.
Looks like you fucking
severed a pig here though.
(DRAMATIC STING)
Jesus!
(FOREBODING MUSIC)
Glad somebody called you,
she has a man in her house.
Right now.
Mrs. Lombardo, we need
to talk to you inside.
Okay, yes, but she has a man
in there right now, please!
It's about your
husband Salvatore.
What about Sal, Sal's at work.
I'm sorry, but he
perished in a car accident.
What?!
Ma'am, I'm sorry, but
your husband's dead.
He's at work.
My husband is at work!
Right?
(SOBS) My husband's
at work, right?
He's at...
Is he at work?
(SOBS) (MUMBLES)
to know anything.
He's at work!
No, he's at work!
Oh hello.
I'm so glad you're awake, Colin.
Oooh, you're frisky aren't you?
Hey Colin, I have
a question for you.
You ever seen this show?
No, I figured you hadn't.
It is my favorite show though.
Not because I'm a shopaholic or
anything like that.
In actuality, I just admire what
this Suzi's trying to do.
(LAUGHING)
Oooh, say, do you
know how I know
why you don't like this show?
Because, move your butt over,
because you have a penis!
(LAUGHING)
Aww, don't worry Colin baby,
I'm not gonna cut
off your penis.
No, no that's something that you
might have to see in a movie.
No, you know I'm all about the
punishment that fits the crime.
Judging from what
I know about you,
you are a man,
just like any man,
concerned with yourself!
(COUGHING)
Concerned with
your own pleasure!
You know I have a
question for you, Colin.
When your penis
still has life in it
and your wife gave you head,
did you, did you
return the favor?
Did you at least finger her?
Aww, baby doll,
you're gonna make
this hard for me aren't you?
Time to release the
(MUMBLES) Colin.
(MUFFLED SCREAMING)
Are you readY?
This little piggy
went to market.
This little piggy stayed home.
This little piggy
had roast beef.
Shit.
And this little piggy had none!
And this little piggy
cried wah wah wah
wah wah all the
fucking way home!
(SOBBING)
(KNOCKING)
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
You still don't get
it, do you, Colin?
After all this, you
still don't get it.
You men, all men have failed us.
You've had centuries
and millennium
to fix the Hell that
you brought onto Earth.
What have you done, all you have
done is to constantly
explore new
ways to exploit women.
You fuck with our minds just so
you can fuck with our bodies!
And then, then when we're old,
when we're your age, Colin,
well then what happens?
After we have primped and shaved
every fucking
crevice of our body,
after we have
developed a newborn
neurosis, after a
newborn neurosis,
and anxiously
worried about whether
this body part is
too fat or this
body part is too thin,
what then Colin?!
You toss us to the side
like a used Kleenex
that you just jerked off into!
Fuck that and fuck you, Colin!
(SOBBING)
(GAGGING)
Ladies, I am
here today to talk
to you about one of
the most difficult,
delicate subjects for plus
size women that there is.
Underwear.
That's right, while
most women can
just sift through a catalog or
stroll down to the
nearest store or mall
or department store,
wherever the hell they go,
what are we left to do, huh?
Why are we always
stuck having to wear
those massive parachute
panties, tell me that.
Why do I have to
choose from actually
finishing everything
on my plate and
feeling sexy and
desirable in my lingerie?
I mean come on!
They tell you this
pizza's delicious,
and you order up another pie.
Answer me this, why?
As I, a modern woman, tell me,
maybe I wanna finish
my three dollar steak.
And who knows, maybe I wanna eat
my mashed potatoes
and my string beans
and fuck, maybe
I wanna follow it
down with a crème brulee or who
the fuck knows what else.
Why at the end of the night is
my date stuck having
to pull granny
panties off of
this luscious ass?
You tell me that.
Ladies, it's time that you were
let in on Suzi's Secret!
VOICEOVER: Cut it all off.
Give me something
that's easy to maintain,
like Linda Gray
or Joan Crawford.
But mom, I told you I wanted
to grow my hair
like Brooke Shields.
No!
Linda Gray.
Mom's the boss.
Mommy, no, please!
Cut her!
Sorry.
Have to.
Nooo!
I told you to stop crying.
I just wanted my hair like...
'Cause you wanted to look
like Brooke Shields, right?
Right?
Because you thought it
would make daddy come home.
Well you're wrong,
he's not coming home.
Not now, not ever!
Do you understand that?
Keep it going, Debbie!
We need these rosebushes
installed by nightfall!
And I don't care if it
takes all day, little lady!
Come on, young lady, dig!
Dig, damn you, dig!
I'm digging!
Not with your
hands, is that how I
raised you, to behave
like a little piglet?!
(GRUNTING)
So from the unhappiness of
two, this evil has sprung.
A curse on the man
and woman alike.
Is happiness enough?
Where is it today?
I ask you, Deb.
Where is it today?
DEBBIE: Ginny?
(GHOSTLY WHISPERS)
What?
Hello?
(OMINOUS MUSIC)
(DRAMATIC STING)
(GHOSTLY WHISPERS)
No.
No!
No, I'm not gonna die!
No!
No!
Please, I'm not gonna die!
No!
Please!
(KNOCKING)
Could you imagine
a world without evil?
No.
(GROANING)
Fuck.
Shit.
Colin!
Colin, I'm sorry!
Colin!
Verrill, gone to collect
the car at Ginny's.
One more strike, we're done.
Back by four and
we'll go to a meeting.
Colin, it's Verrill,
call me back.
Catherine, is Colin there?
He's not answering
his cell phone.
Shit.
Nothing, I'll call you back.
I'd like to report
a missing person.
How are you doing on
this gorgeous afternoon?
Jehova's Witness?
Yes, we're better
known as that,
but personally I prefer
the term restorationist.
I see.
My name's Melanie and
I may call you Mrs...
GINNY: It's Miss, and
you may call me Ginny.
Why it's wonderful
to meet you, Ginny.
Oh cut the crap, sweetie.
If you wanna talk
God, come on in
and have a seat on the couch.
I'm an old lady.
Standing here at the door
is beginning to hurt my hip.
Come on.
(DRAMATIC VIOLIN MUSIC)
My favorite show.
(LAUGHS) It's coming
on in just a bit,
and well I always like to nibble
on something while I'm
watching television.
Now don't you?
Yes, I know what
you mean Miss Ginny,
but honestly I'm
really not hungry.
Unless of course you mean
a hunger for salvation.
What are you?
Too good for my
tea and crackers?
You think yourself
better than me
just because you found God?
No no.
Well, I guess some tea and
crackers couldn't possibly hurt.
Well good.
Then drink up.
Oh.
To the glory of Christ.
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)
MELANIE: Have
you ever imagined
a world without evil?
GINNY: How?
See, this is what I'm
talking about, Miss Ginny.
Think of it, a
world without wrong,
without corruption,
without hate.
A world filled with love.
Nothing but God's
everlasting embrace.
GINNY: I will be farting
sunshine and pissing rainbows.
Have you not looked out there?
(LAUGHS) A world without evil.
The world is shit, Miss Melanie.
And it is shit because there is
no good and there is no evil.
Things just are.
I share your frustration,
believe me I do,
but as the scriptures tell us,
there was a time when
the world had no evil.
(RUSTLING)
Did you hear something?
MELANIE: Think
I heard something.
GINNY: Must be squirrels.
But honestly, all
I'm really hearing
is your lost soul spiraling into
the darkness, Miss Ginny.
But it's never too late.
Never too late for what?
Why salvation, Miss
Ginny, salvation!
But only you can make
it happen, Ginny.
As the scriptures
tell us, Abraham...
GINNY: I used to have a
pair of tits like that once.
Perky, supple.
Except mine were bigger.
At least like
fucking cantaloupes.
I also had a full body.
Not skinny and in
need of a hot meal
like she desperately does.
And at least I had a brain!
How dare she call
me a lost soul!
Lost soul, feh!
Does she feel the love of God?
Is that why she's so thin?
Does she think that
God, if He exists,
somehow loves her
more than others?
Simply because she was born with
an eating disorder
and a small frame?
Thousands of years
ago this little
bitch would've fallen victim to
Darwinian as surely
back then men
would have wanted a stronger,
more robust woman with tits that
could sufficiently
feed their offspring!
I guess even in the 21st
century Darwin still applies.
Ready, ladies?
Today is our Suzi's
Secret Sunday Special.
Here at Suzi's Secret,
we are all about
empowering real women
with real waistlines!
For the past few months we have
busted down the
barriers that try
to restrict our inner beauty.
We've offered bras and panties
and outerwear and day wear all
at rock bottom prices!
Today is something
very very special.
Today, we don't just
take back our bodies.
Today, we don't just
take back our beauty.
Today, we take back the bedroom!
(LAUGHING)
Get ready, ladies.
Get ready.
It's time you were let
in on Suzi's Secret!
(LAUGHING)
But not just any secret.
Behold, as our Suzi's
Secret plus size beauty
shows us the first
outfit to come
tonight as I
unleash my brand new
Suzi's Secret dominatrix line!
(LAUGHING)
MELANIE: (SOBS) Please!
For fuck's sake.
I have heard it all before.
(FAKE SOBBING) Oh look at you.
Cry like the little
lamb that your
nonexistent God
expects from you.
MELANIE: Let me go!
God will forgive you!
I will forgive you, please!
I don't need your forgiveness.
(SCREAMING)
Are you a virgin, Melanie?
Please stop.
Please, please stop, please!
Hey, I asked you a question!
I said are you a
virgin, Melanie?
Yes.
Oh I figured.
I figured a young,
stupid Christian girl
like you, you've probably never
even seen a big throbbing cock.
Never mind had it
forcefully shoved
up your hallowed twat.
(LAUGHING)
Oh my.
I'll bet that you were even
saving yourself for God.
I'll bet that you
even masturbate
to Him when your
parents aren't home
and then you pray to
Him for forgiveness.
Oh God, oh God, yes, oh yes!
Oh God, oh God, no no!
Do you want to stay
a virgin, Melanie?
'Cause you know what?
You know, do you
want to, do you want
to resist sin, Melanie?
'Cause you know what, I
could help you resist sin.
We just need to
remove your clitoris.
MELANIE: No,
please just let me go!
Are you ready, honeypie?
(SOBS) Please
help me, oh please.
(SCREAMING)
My God, that is good.
You want some?
No?
More for me.
Virginal is the best.
It is chewy like...
Oh, top grade clams.
Now let's see to that clitoris.
No, no, no, no no no no!
Quit your fucking bitching or
I'll just rip off
your entire vagina!
MELANIE: No!
Okay, it needs a
little tenderizing.
Don't you go anywhere.
(LAUGHING)
Oh God please.
Please help me!
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
You fucking freak!
(DRAMATIC STING)
Fucking bitch!
DEBBIE: Fuck!
God bless you.
- Please untie me, please!
- Shh, shut the fuck up.
Shhh.
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)
GINNY: Grrr!
Fucking bitch!
We want to be the ones...
Smack your (MUMBLES).
Goddamn cunt!
(SCREAMING)
My eyes!
DEBBIE: Fuck your eyes!
(SCREAMING)
My eyes!
My eyes!
Stop, police!
Drop the weapon!
Drop the weapon!
(GUNFIRE)
(OMINOUS MUSIC)
SUZI: No longer
do we allow our
insecurities, our
low self-esteem,
our anxieties to prevent us from
having real fun in the bedroom.
Men and women are not
from different species.
They have the same needs,
wants, and carnal desires.
The only obstacle to
humanity is humanity.
Ladies, I'm here to tell
you we have met the enemy.
And she is lust.
(DRAMATIC VIOLIN MUSIC)