Mixed Company (1974) - full transcript

MARGE: These children are all color blind.

By that I mean, they don't care what color your skin is.

You represent hope to them.

The only hope they have.

And one of them may be the only hope you have, too.

You see, with the coming of the pill and legal abortion,

the unwanted baby whether white or black or brown

or even plaid has practically disappeared in this country.

And that's something to cheer about.

The stock of older white children is also scraping the bottom of the barrel.

So if you want to adopt a child without a wait of several years,



it may have to be one of these,

who have committed the unpardonable sin of having been born

with the skin different than yours.

You'll have to take my word for it, it wasn't their fault.

Oh, damn this projector!

If this wasn't a donation,
I'd gladly kick it.

Jesus!

Well, you'll have to pardon our projectionist's vocabulary.

I'm sorry.

In my house,
that talk is polite...

Son of a bitch!

[PEOPLE LAUGH]

Show's over.

Well, I think they got the idea anyway.



We're fresh out of little
blonde angels and
new born kewpie dolls,

but if you're still
interested, Mrs. Morrison,

one of our volunteers and I
will be happy to give you
one of the foundation's

application blanks and
help you fill it out.

I'm a little worried.
I'm not sure I can learn
to love a child

that is so different
from my own.

I don't think that'll be a problem, Mrs. Mitchell.

These children need real homes so very badly.

Talk with one of them, your heart will go right out.

Then why don't
you take one?

Oh, I have no energy. I have three of my own.

I have five.

You're a strong woman. I don't know.

I feel these children would need a full-time father.

My husband is a basketball coach.

He travels with the team a good deal of the time.

Pardon me, but you
had three children.

He must have had
some home games,

I mean, even if Phoenix
hasn't won in a month.

Marge, this is very embarrassing.

I'm trying to have another child of my own.

You are? What does
Pete say about this?

I'm terrified to tell him when the team is losing.

[ALL CHEERING]

PETE: One more try. Well, come on, Walt,

pick up the goddamn ball for Christ sakes!

That's it, good move there! Put it up!

Holy Christ! Nine foot tall, he misses the goddamn iron!

There's Pete Morrison,
the Phoenix coach,
his usual relaxed self,

just one step away
from a coronary.

I'm gonna send a goddamn
cheerleader in for you!

Hey, ref! Did you see that? What the hell are you, in Cleveland?

Call a foul, will ya?

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

[CROWD CHEERING]

ANNOUNCER: This is the
fourth time Walt Johnson
is shooting one.

That's four in a
row you missed.
We'll play without you!

No!

What are doing to me, Walt? You put the ball in the other basket!

[HORN BLOWING] You won the game for them!

[CROWD BOOING]

This crowd is
out of its mind. They're
coming out of the stands!

There's Jack Brown,
the club's owner,
leading the mob.

They're heading
for the coach!

They're blaming Pete
Morrison for the team's
16th loss in a row!

What's that?
Someone's got a rope.

It's his wife and
their children! They're
gonna hang their father!

I tell you, Phoenix fans take
their basketball seriously.

What are you lifting
me up for? We lost!

What's going on?

Hey, Kathy,
put down the rope!
What are you crazy?

ANNOUNCER: Walt Johnson
has the rope now.

He's leaping for the basket.

[CROWD CHEERS] This time he makes it good.

Sorry I yelled at your wife! Stop it for Christ sake! Stop it!

ANNOUNCER: They are trying to
beat Morrison to the basket!

Let's take another
look at him.

I'm sorry, I yelled
at your wife! Stop it
for Christ sake! Stop it!

[SCREAMING]

Stop!

Hello. Hello.

What are you saying?

It was only a nightmare.I know.

We were making love.

When?

Oh, about two minutes ago.

You fell asleep,
in the middle.

While we were making love.
Kissing me on the
back of the neck.

I'll kill that son of a bitch.

That Johnson's
throwing every game.

[SIGHS]

All that counts is
that damn team, eh?

Can a team do this?

Can Walt Johnson do this?

Kathy. Kathy. What?

I just lost two in a
row to Kansas City.
Not tonight, huh?

God damn it!

I'll kill him.

All right.

You might as well know
I'm trying to have a baby.

All by yourself?

You haven't been
much help, darling.

I haven't taken
a pill in two months.

No kidding?

When were you gonna tell me, in the delivery room?

Might have been
longer than that.

I was going to tell you
when you started winning.

That's the joke, dear.

I heard it.

Pete, you always said
you wanted another
son someday, didn't you?

So I thought now
was a good time.

Kathy. What?

I may be out of a job any minute.

We got three kids and a second mortgage.

I got a nine foot superstar that couldn't grab a rebound from Grandma Moses!

The fans are screaming to have me boiled in oil.

Do you wanna bring another child into a world like this?

You can't go on this way.
You're tying yourself
in knots over a game.

A game?

To you basketball
is just a game?

Yes, that's all it is!

Basketball bought that nightgown for you.

Basketball bought
you you're loom,

that you asked me for, for 10 years, you finally got!

Basketball puts shoes on the kids!

You don't wanna
be happy, right?

You marry a basketball coach and you want happiness?

Well, I don't know about you, but I wanna be happy.

All right, you have basketball and that's your thing and my thing is children.

And I... And you always...
You never understand
my needs

and you run away
just when I need you.

12:30. Replay of
the Kansas City game.

MAN ON TV: ...on the air
and wherever you are,
whoever you are...

KATHY: You haven't heard
a word I said.

You don't care about
me at all, do you?

Hmm?

I'm crazy about you.

Sure.

What do you mean, sure?

You're the greatest wife a guy ever had and the sexiest.

Peter, don't.Hey!

I married my dream girl.

Would you wait a second?
I can't see the set.

Oh, darling!

That's a hideous,
boring game.

Wait a minute,
could you hold this until
the end of the quarter?

Please, darling.

Why don't you...
Just feel my warm body...

Be in the present,
boobie. Hmm?

Pretend I'm Lana Turner.
Fantasy.

Pretend I'm Greta Garbo.

Could you move
your head, Lana?

Oh! Darling, think of this.

This could be ecstasy.
It really could.

Why don't you hold your ecstasy till half time,

we have 12 glorious minutes, huh?

Oh, darling...

What do you want me to do, force you?

Yes. Force myself?

Yes, both.

Do it with both, honey. All right.

Or anything. For you I'll force myself, okay?

Mmm-hmm.

Can we wait till half time till I force you?

No. Now.

When was the last time I told you I love you?

Um...

I think it was when
you beat the Pistons.

Yes.

That long ago, huh? Yeah.

I remember, I asked.

You really want
another baby?

Yes. Please.

Make you happy?

Yes.

Can I watch the game afterwards?

Oh! Yes. Yes.

You'll leave me alone? Yes.

You got it.

You're a sport.

PETE: Don't say I never did anything for you.

[MAN CHATTERING ON TV]

[KATHY LAUGHS]

MAN ON TV: ...back from
behind his right ear,
put it up in the air.

[KATHY EXCLAIMS]

...jump shot from eight
feet off the back of
the rim, no good.

Bantam gets the rebound.
Where's Scott?

Scott quickly on the back
court on the dribble to
the free throw under

[CROWD CHEERS] and it's good!

Great balls of fire!
One of those you'd
have to see to believe.

I could give you all
the fancy medical terms
to justify my fee,

but the simple fact
is you two can't have
anymore children.

No, are you sure?

How can that be?

We had three in a row
like pouring jelly beans
out of a machine.

Well, it wasn't that easy.

That was a few years ago.

Kathy's not that old.
She keeps herself
in good shape.

Takes her vitamins.

You didn't forget to take
your vitamin E, did you?

No. I take my vitamin E every morning.

It's not her, it's you.

How'd you like a
rap in the mouth? Pete!

I don't have any trouble.

Do I?

Definitely, absolutely, no.

Congratulations.
But it's not a
question of virility.

Then what is it?

A while back you told
me you had the mumps
when you were on the road.

Nothing. Kid's disease.

DOCTOR: Which can prevent you from having anymore.

Mumps? Mumps.

Mumps, mumps. Mumps.

Mumps can do that. Mumps can.

Plain, old fashioned mumps?

Plain, old fashioned mumps.

Pete, would you like to
see your fertility count?

Let me see. No, thank you.

Does this mean we can never have children ever?

Oh, you can, Kathy. I can!

You're a healthy,
normal female.

Very healthy, very normal.Thank God.

As a matter of fact,
your fertility count
was amazing.

Is that the same as the...

Would you two
like to be alone?

Have you ever
considered adoption?

Well, as a matter of fact, I have.

Because I work for the Del Rey Foundation in my spare time.

Oh, that should
be a great help.

We have over
50 children now.

Hey, I don't believe this!

Am I in this room?
Am I here?

Well, I got something
to say!

I'm not interested in adoption.

It's tough enough
loving your own kids.

So put down the foot, Kathy, and let's get out of here.

You promised me a baby.

I promised you my baby.

And I tried.
Can you deny, I tried?

I can't deny you,
you did try, dear.

You better believe it.
You know anybody who
could have tried harder?

No, dear, you worked your tail off.

Then let's go home.

I thought you said you wanted me to be happy?

Kathy, do you have
any idea what it is to
adopt a baby? Huh?

Somebody else's kid that they find in an ashcan someplace?

Maybe the father was
a murderer, a sex fiend.

A basketball coach.

Or a doctor!

Oh, don't call each other names. Please.

Kathy, 10 years from now, the kid could have a nose over here.

Is that what you want?

I wanna know what my
kid's gonna look like.

Could be something terribly wrong with the kid,

you wouldn't know about it till years later.

You take the same chances with husbands.

Mumps!

Hurry up, we'll be late for the game.

Big deal.

Do you wanna be ex-communicated?

What does that mean? Means he learned
a new word.

Okay kids up and at 'em. Liz, dishes in the sink, we're running late as usual.

I want another desert.

Come on, come on, let's move. I gotta get down to the Coliseum

by 7:00 or my guys are liable to blow the warm-up.

Oh, honey, we'll get you some ice cream at the game. Okay?

At the game, none of us
ever feels like eating.

Thank you.

I'm gonna go start the car.

Okay. Will you wait one more second? Marge is coming.

Who's Marge?

Marjorie Reiss from the
foundation. She's coming
to the game with us.

What for?

What for? Well, she
likes basketball.

Margie's crazy about
basketball. And she's
bringing a child with her.

No, no.

Discussed it, gave it a lot of thought and we are not adopting a baby.

Oh, hon, I know
what you're thinking.

Now, it's not
a question of that.

This is just a child who
wants to get out once
in a while and see a game

with an average, happy
American, well adjusted,

normal, upper
middle class, family.

Look, Kathy, I know you want to adopt one.

What's the sense of bringing a little baby to a basketball game?

[HORN HONKING] What's he gonna
do at the game?

Hey, Dad, Mrs. Reiss
is here. Now we can go.

MARY: Maybe she's just
taking him next door.

KATHY: [SHUSHING] Mary.

So that's the little baby you wanna bring into this family, huh?

The kid's gotta
be at least 11.

He's 12.

Probably comes from a broken home. Probably has a lot of emotional problems.

True and we can help him.

Did you also happen to notice he's a spade?

Daddy, what's a spade?

A shovel. MARY: What?

Lock your door and don't ask.

What is this April Fool's in October?

Oh, I got it! They brought back Candid Camera.

Is that it? Come on, where you hiding Allen Funt?

Allen? Allen?

Come on out, Allen?
Where's the camera?
Where's the moose head?

It's a terrific joke, Kathy. I got the punch line for you.

Pete! You're crazy.

I'm ashamed of you.

How can you be prejudiced when half your basketball team is black?

Come off it, Kathy. Have you seen them play?

Kathy, Kathy, will you stop fooling around?

It's a terrific joke, it really is.

I mean, you had a
lot of crazy ideas
in your life.

And this one's gonna get you in the hall of fame for cuckoo birds.

Pete, you're hurting me.
You're hurting me!

No matter what, he's
coming to the game with us.

Look, I don't know if you're serious about that,

but if you are, I just wanna say one thing.

What?

I don't wanna talk to him,

I don't wanna get to know him, I don't even wanna meet him.

Get him out!

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Pete, if you're mean
to this little boy, I'll
never forgive you. Okay?

Cuckoo bird.

I hate him.

You be quiet.

You don't know him well
enough to hate him yet.

We don't need anymore kids in this family.

I can't get into the bathroom right now.

I think he's cute.

Figures. Lock your door.

Hi, Marge. Hi, Kathy.

Say, I won't be able
to go to the game
tonight, but Freddie will.

This is Freddie Wilcox. Freddie, this is Mrs. Morrison.

How do you do? Fine.

Very glad to meet you.
I want you to come in,
meet my family.

We're all getting ready to go to the game. Pete, hon...

Oh, Freddie, this is Coach Morrison.

Pete, Freddie just lives
and breathes basketball.

You're gonna have so
much to talk about.

What do you say?

What do you say?

I'm sure you're going to
enjoy the game, Freddie.

They lost the last five in a row.

Oh, that's because half the team is, you know...

Fred meet Liz.

Hi, Freddie.

And this is Rob. He's been
very anxious to meet you.

Shake hands with him, Rob.

And this is my
little one, Mary.

I'm gonna lock
my door, too.
Daddy says so.

LIZ: Come on out,
Bette Davis.

She's always showing off.

Well, I hate to break up this magic moment, but the daddy has to go to work.

Let's go.

Yeah, we gotta get there
on time to see the moves.

Now, I hope you've
had your supper.

If not we always get hot dogs at the game.

Don't worry about me,
everybody always
throws me peanuts.

Why don't we adopt
Eldridge Cleaver?

[GROANS]

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

[CROWD CHEERING]

MAN OVER PA: Car out on
the parking lot Arizona
license 066ECW.

Lights are on.

Horn is blowing.
Motor is running,
car is locked.

Will the lady who owns it
please do something?

Oh, if you want it, go up and get your own.

Rob, take a napkin.
Eat it.

[CROWD BOOING]

Hey, Ref, did you see that?
He's pushing off.

Thought you were
gonna call a foul.

Come on, Donald,
he's all over my guy!

He had his finger up his nose, for Christ sakes, call a foul!

Don't let me catch you driving a new Cadillac tomorrow!

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

ANNOUNCER: Foul on
Walt Johnson. The first
foul of the evening.

That's the fourth
foul for Mr. Johnson.

Oh, no!

Can I have another hot dog?

Here, I can't eat mine.

I don't want yours.

Mary, that's not nice.

I don't care. I'm still gonna lock my door.

You're a little young,

but I think I can get you
in the Ku Klux Klan.

Thanks!

Stay on top of them.
And don't fall out
like the living legend.

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

Oh, I'm throwing the game, is that what you're saying?

Hey, I'm working my tail off.

You ever say once I did a good job?

Did you ever give me a pat on the back?

What's the matter, you don't feel loved, is that it?

That's right.

What do you want,
a kiss on the forehead?

A pinch on the cheek? How about a kick in the ass?

Come on, you guys, we got a game going on out here.

Come on, Ref,
he's all over my guy.

Pete here, he don't understand me.

Come on, I know just
where you're coming from.

Where am I coming from?

Money! Moola! Dinero!

That's all you're interested in! Screw the team!

Exactly. Exactly.

Well, let me tell
you something, man,

we don't pay you
$500 just to sit on
your can or to foul out.

Pete, you know what I should be getting?

Yeah, I know what you should be getting. Nothing, garbage!

You're playing like
a pom pom girl.

Get her out there.

[CROWD BOOING] Pay her what you're paying me.

Come on!

You notice he doesn't foul
out on his way to the bank.

Yeah, he goes
right through everybody.

Right to the teller's booth, nobody lays a hand on him.

He doesn't
touch anybody. Right to
the teller. Two points.

Give me the dough.

My best shot.

Come on, come on, guys.
Clark, you're walking
it down the court.

Pass off, will you?
Move it! We're only 32
points down.

We'll get 'em.
Come on, guys.

Hey, Pete, take it easy
on the big guy.

Look, Jack, this is your ball club.

Who do you want to run it, me or the Jolly Black Giant?

We couldn't do
much worse, Coach.

The way this club
is going, without him
we don't draw flies.

We're drawing
a few with him.

He makes me
so goddamn mad!

Well, he makes me
so goddamn rich!

I'll go put him over my shoulder and burp him, okay?

PETE: Ref, where's your
whistle for God's sake?
What'd you do, swallow it?

How about one shot
for attempted murder?

Hey, Coach, look there.

Who's the little black
spot with the kids?

My uncle. He's doing his Al Jolson imitation.

I don't believe
this is happening.

I just don't believe
this is happening to me.

If that wasn't an offensive
foul then I'm a monkey.

Look, Darryl, I'd like to talk to you for a second.

I really don't wanna fight with you,

I really don't,
because, you're
a terrific ref.

I mean, you're really one of the best refs around.

Could you just think about what you're doing okay? That's all, that's all.

But you're terrific, man, you're really terrific.

Stupid schmuck.

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

Now sit down and shut up!

[CROWD GROANING]

ANNOUNCER: Technical
foul on the coach.

Come on, now.

It's the worst officiated game I've seen in my 25 years of basketball.

I don't care if they fine me 1,000 bucks,

I'm gonna blast his ass in the paper tomorrow.

See that? See that he walked. Why didn't he call it?

He didn't call it. But look, I'm not gonna let him make me go crazy, huh?

I'm just gotta take it in stride.

Call a goddamn
foul for Christ sakes!

[CROWD BOOING]

Hi, Gloria.

[MEN SHOUTING]

Hey, hey!

In case any of you girls are wondering how the score turned out,

it was 104 to 85.

In favor of the other team.

MAN: Yeah.

PETE: So go ahead, laugh it up. Play games in the shower. Have the time of your life.

There's nothing at stake here except your job!

Oh, yeah, we got a
lot of help from our
super star over here.

He bent over only once and that was to pick up his check.

And it ain't worth bending for.

I signed that lousy contract when I was hungry and you know it.

I gotta get me some more money, now.

Hell, I could break one of my legs tomorrow

and I'd be out for the season.

From your mouth
to God's ears.

I got two maybe three years and then I've got to stop.

And I am not busting my ass to no slave contract.

Slave contract? Slave contract.

You're making more money
than Abraham Lincoln.

Did he lead the league in scoring?

Well, let tell
you something.

I lead the league two years in a row in foul shot percentage.

And I didn't make half
of what you're making.

Well, I can say one
thing about my 12
years in this league.

What? I did my best.

Oh, I'm not doing my best, is that what you're saying?

That's right, man.

Well, if I'm not
doing my best,

if you was a good coach, you'd bench me.

That's one way I'd
know that you're a
jive hot dog coach

and you got no guts!

Pete!

[ALL WHISTLING]

Get out, get out. Are they embarrassed?

Not by you, by the score.

I've gotta talk to
you about... Not now.

Now! It's important.

[WHISTLING CONTINUES]

I'll talk to you later.

Look, all right.
Well, what did you think?

I think that son of a bitch is laying down on me.

I mean Freddie.

Who's Freddie? Who's Freddie?

You mean the kid?

Yes.

Don't be ridiculous, huh?

Pete, Pete, he needs our help.

Poor little boy's been
in foster homes
since he was four.

He's already been
picked up for truancy.

Last week he hotwired a
car and tried to run away.

I almost cried
when I heard it.

I'm all choked up myself.

Look, now, Marge
says that if we
don't take him,

there's nothing left but juvenile hall.

Has he considered politics?

Pete, I've been talking to him.

And he's lovable.

He's extremely smart.

But he's frightened
so he covers this all up.

He tries to cover it
anyway, by playing tough.

He's doing a terrific job.

You're being a smart ass!
This is no time to
be a smart ass!

Here's a human being
Marge brought to us

because basketball
is his whole life.

Now basketball's
your whole life, right?

Now you might be the only one in the world who could reach him!

Look, he'd be better off with his own kind.

How many black families can afford to adopt children?

How the hell do I know. What, am I a farmer's almanac?

Have him go to one of those couples that make a business of lost causes.

Humanitarian types
make the worst families.

Now Marge wanted you because she knows you very well. She understands you.

She, she feels your
attitude is healthy.

Well, tell her I
just got sick.

I'm glad you lost tonight.

I pray, I pray you
lose every game.

She didn't mean that. Honestly, she didn't mean it.

Look, honey.

We'd be doing this kid a big favor if we'd tell him the truth.

You mean you're gonna
tell Freddie to his face
that you don't want him?

You're gonna tell him.

You want me to tell him.

You don't wanna tell him, get Marge to tell him.

Oh, my God!

Oh, oh, God!

[CRYING]

You're crying, right?

No.

Stop crying.

It isn't fair!

Do I cry when I lose?

I'd be crying all the time.

Will you stop crying?

Kathy, listen to me. I saw him up in the stands with our kids, it won't work.

It will not work, do you understand that?

Will you please stop crying?

All right!

All right!

All right, what?

I'll do it! I'll tell him!

Oh!

Oh, I hate you.

I hate you.

Coach?

Coach?

Well, what do you say,
Freddie, right?

Yeah.

Where's the family?

They all went out to the car.

That lady, your wife,

she told me you had
something to tell me.

Oh, yeah, I guess I do.

Well?

Trying to think how to put it.

You just did.

Hey, look, kid, I want you to understand the reason.

Christ, you think
you're the first?

No, I guess not.

Well, that settles that.

Freddie, what do you say we stop and I'll buy you a nice milk shake

before I take you back to the foster home.

Can I trade it for something?

Sure, like what?

I never been in this place before in my life.

Can I shoot a basket?

Be my guest.

Tommy, let me have the ball.

Take your best shot.

Too flat. You need more arc.

Hey, man, where you going?

You took your shot.
I don't have all night.

I paid a milk shake for that.

I'll buy the milk
shake anyway.

I don't want your
goddamn milk shake.

Freddie, give me the ball back, come on.

Come and get it.

Freddie, give me the ball, I gotta take you back.

Come on, I gotta get home.

Give me the goddamn ball.

You gonna call foul?

Hell no, that's your best move.

Give me the ball.

Like you said,
"Come and get it."

Come on, take it.

Come on, let's go.
Come on, try it again.

Come on, come on,
come on, let's go.

Here, here, here,
I'll put it for you.

That's it, atta boy!

Hey, come on, I got it back. Come on, look, hey, up!

Lucky!

Lucky?

Well, let's see you
do better, Clyde.

Come on. Let's see you take a pass at me. Come on.

Go on, I'll take it right away from you.

Come on. Come on, let's go.

Come on. You got to hustle for a shot.

Come on, you're hot-dogging it.

Come on! You're playing like Walt Johnson.

Come on, you got to work for a shot.

Come on, show some fight.

Come on, you little black son of a bitch!

[GROANS]

Now, lay it, lay it in there.

All right. Good shot.

Your shot, Whitey.

There's no handkerchiefs in here.

[SHOUTING] How can I go to work without a handkerchief, huh?

What the hell is a wife for except to put

a goddamn handkerchief in a goddamn drawer?

That's where you put the handkerchiefs?

Underneath my underwear? Is that where a handkerchief belongs?

Underneath underwear? For Christ sakes!

Does that mean
we're taking Freddie?

Hmm?

You and Marge had it all figured out, didn't you?

I don't know what
you're talking about.

Sure.

What happens if
the little son of a
bitch turns out to be

a little son of a bitch?

Do we kick him out?

Well, we're not

allowed to adopt him
officially ourselves
for six months.

He could kick us out
in that time, you know.

He'd love that.

Thank you.

For what?
I haven't actually
said I'd take him.

Well, that's all right.
You never actually asked me
to marry you, either, dear.

Well, there goes the whole damn neighborhood.

Well, I read it someplace.

Funny.

Bubbles, bubbles, bubbles.

That's enough of this.
This stuff goes
an awful long way.

Don't use anymore of this.

Well...

I think I can
leave you alone now.

All the other kids gonna take a bubble bath, too?

No.

Then why do I have to?

Well, Freddie, you don't
have to do anything.

I thought it'd be a
nice little treat for you.

A luxury.

Why don't you just spray me with Flit?

[CLEARS THROAT]
Oh, boy.

Look, when you get out, dry yourself with this towel

and don't forget to let the
water out of the tub, okay?

I know how to take a bath.
I read a book.

Okay, Freddie, if you wanna be a little stinker for awhile, be a little stinker.

We're going to learn
to love you anyhow.

By the way,
we know you're black.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

I'll get it, love.

Hey, Al, how are you? Glad to see you. Come on in. Pete.

Hi, Kathy. Hi, neighbor.

Yeah, I will, thank you. Double scotch, straight.

Gee, I thought you'd never ask, Al.

Got some good news for you people.

Yeah? Found a buyer
for the house?

Well, you're not surprised, are you?

No, no, just that it
took you so long.

The little dark fella's
in the neighborhood
over two hours.

Property values must be down 20 percent by now, huh?

Twenty-five.

Well, we real estate people have to keep up on these things.

Hey, Al, have you
ever thought of

yourself as a no good, evil minded, two-faced bigot?

Often. Why do you think I drink?

Anyway, a group of us public spirited bigots

have gotten up a little campaign fund

and I've been authorized to make you guys an offer you just can't refuse.

Is that so? How much?

Seventy-five thousand clams.

[WHISTLES]

Even though it's common knowledge your roof leaks.

Will you get out of here, Al?

Now!

Hey, you're not being very neighborly.

Get out before
I kick you out.

And give me back my liquor!

Hey, you're an Indian giver, you know that?

Now look, Pete, I know how you feel.

I heard you talk
about Walt Johnson.

Everybody feels that way about him.

Listen, I'm as liberal as the next guy,

but you know what's gonna happen the word gets out, huh?

Go home, Al.

MARY: Daddy, Daddy, Daddy!

Time to light
that cross on your lawn.

Daddy! There's bubbles
coming out under
the bathroom door all over!

Freddie!

Up to our knees!

LIZ: Freddie, open the door!

[BANGING AT DOOR]

Freddie, open the door!

Did you hear me, Freddie?

You better open up by the time I count to three

or I'm gonna break the goddamn door down, you hear me?

One, two, three.

Oh, Freddie.

I guess you're right, I just don't know how to take a bubble bath.

Yeah, well, I'm gonna teach
you, little man. Come here.

Now, what do you mean?

First comes the towel. Come over here!

FREDDIE: What the hell are you... Pete!

Pete, don't! No, no!

Marge warned me they all go through this to see if you really want them.

Want them? You mean
you're gonna keep it?

He's about to become
a member of this family.

No, no!

Don't look,
don't you dare look.

Do it again!

All right, children,
now please take your seats.

And will the parents please find seats in the rear of the room?

Now, will you all take
your history books

and turn to page 160.

The Declaration of Independence.

Hi, Miss Bergquist,
we're late.

Well, good morning, Mrs. Morrison.

Good morning.
This is Freddie Wilcox.

Well, Freddie, we heard all about you.

I think it's such a wonderfully brave thing your family is doing.

Now, Robert, Frederick will have the seat right next to yours.

That close?

Robert, please take your seat.

Now, Mrs. Morrison, we're so pleased to have you here for Parent's Day.

Will you please find a seat in the rear of the room?

Frederick, your record is a little vague.

Have you ever done sixth grade work before?

I don't know.

What does that mean?

Well, I been in
so many schools,

they just kinda
pass me along if I
showed up regular.

I was in seventh grade once, because that was the only place they had a seat.

I see. And I understand.

Freddie, all I ask of you here

is that you do
your very best.

And I promise you that no matter what,

I won't blame you.

I blame our archaic educational system.

Right on, Teach.

Miss Bergquist.

Right on, Miss Bergquist.

[CLASS CHEERING]

Children.

[KIDS WHISTLING]

Now, I'm sure some of you children do not realize

what Frederick
has gone through

and why we must treat him

with a great deal
of understanding.

And why until such time as he has the opportunity

to catch up with
the rest of you,

he will not be required
to do homework.

[LAUGHS]

Hey, Mom!

I thought all men
were created equal?

Right. So did I.

Those were the
good old days.

Freddie, open the door.

Get out of there.

You've been in there so long.

Open the door!

What's the problem now? Girls?

Mom, Freddie's
been taking a bath
for half an hour,

just because he's
been made captain
of the basketball team.

You wouldn't let
me take that long

and I'm dirtier
than he is anyway.

Hey, some people have to do homework, you know.

Quiet!

You go to your room, girls.

Here's your towel, Rob.

Great. I figure if there is no more hot water it'll be my turn.

Right. And what happened to your room? This is a pigsty.

Why don't you clean it up?

Hey, I thought I locked it.

Liz says you're black all over,

and I didn't get a good look last time.

Take my word for it, I am.

Well, I'm white all over and I don't care if everybody knows it.

Hey, you're crazy,
nut! Get out!

My friends say if you come near me, I'm supposed to scream.

[GRUNTS]

[SCREAMS]

Mary, you stay
out of that room

or you'll get a spanking
you won't forget for
the rest of your life.

Now go to your room.

Boy, I wish I was
black all over.

Everything, everything's
wonderful here.

Oh, marvelous, in fact.

Do you like my new hat?

I don't know
if it's very good.

How insensitive of me.
How did the team do?

We lost seven out of nine.

Oh, great man,
you won two games!

Finally!

Uh, well, aren't you

going to ask me
how everything is?

How's everything?

Honey...

I think we made a mistake.

I really think we
made a mistake.

Freddie.

What happened? He knocked up Liz?

Honey, it's nothing
like that. It's nothing
like that at all.

It's worse.

Everybody's handing
him everything
on a silver platter.

And his teacher's turning
him into the Dreyfus Case.

Giving him A's
in everything.

He's the center of attention wherever he goes

and he loves
every minute of it.

He's made captain
of the basketball team.

Rob's the water boy.

It's the worst kind
of discrimination.

The kind you can't fight
or even get angry about

and Freddie thinks
he deserves it all.

It's just bad for
the other children.

Robs' getting stomach aches.

Mary feels neglected
and Liz is starting to
resent Freddie.

I never thought
that would happen.

Now, there's only one
way to solve this,

honey, there's
really only one way.

Marge thinks we
ought to adopt another
child right away.

And I'll tell you
why she's right.

This could be a
very good thing.

Freddie's having a problem, adjusting to other children.

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Hit the brake! Pull over. Pull over! Stop the car!

You're going
to love this child.

What child?

[STAMMERING]
This child is a...

What child? I don't even love Freddie yet!

Well, it'll help
you to love Freddie.

I don't wanna love him, I'm just beginning to hate him again!

You hate Freddie?

I don't believe this. I do not believe this!

We're having trouble
with one child

and your solution
is to adopt another?

You're crazy! You're really crazy!

I lose six games on the
road and I come home
to this craziness?

You're cuckoo bird!

Oh, no, no,
it's very logical.

Because Freddie,
Freddie has to learn

that he's not the only
one who's skin is a
different color.

Where are we? And besides...

Where are we?

Where? I don't... MARGE: Hi, Kathy.

Hi, I thought you'd never get here.

Marge!

Home. Home?

Home!

Hey, don't you wanna join
us for the foundation's
annual picnic?

Hey, Marge, you wanna do me a favor? Take a walk.

Home.

Pete.

How could you do this to me? I don't believe it!

I don't believe it. I just lost six games in a row.

And you bring me here. To adopt another kid?

[HUSHING] Come on, please!

I wish you'd listen.

[STAMMERING]
Because it's very

important to me.

All right, I'll listen, but that's all.

And it is logical,

because I didn't
think of it,
Marge did.

Excuse me, but I think
a train's coming.

So, please, please,
honey, let her explain.

Please.

All right, explain.

All right.

A lot of clinical work has been done on this, you know.

And all our data shows the most important thing is to prove to the child

that black is not the only color.

Now, it's the only way that it'll work with a boy like Freddie.

PETE: What about drowning?

BOY: Daddy? PETE: I'm not your daddy.

Oh, look isn't she lovely?

PETE: What happens
if I say yes?

Hi.

MARGE: She and that little Indian boy are inseparable.

You know, we've got quite an afternoon planned.

Santa Claus is arriving later.

Even though it's only October the children won't mind.

And we own a Santa Claus costume.

Come over here, children.

There's someone over here I want you to meet.

KATHY: They're so
beautiful together.

MARGE: That's the girl.

What's the pad
and pencil for?

Well, each child who gets 10 adults to sign their books wins a dollar.

It's part of our sneaky get acquainted strategy.

KATHY: Well, why don't I
start out signing it?

You sign his book. Okay.

Why didn't you ask me?

She don't give me
a chance.

Tell Mrs. Morrison your name, honey.

His name is Joe Rogers.

See? She don't give me a chance.

KATHY: What's your name?

Quan Tran.

Where's your book?

Don't you wanna
make a dollar?

Quan not for sale, soldier.

Come on, Joe.
We get the hell out.

Where's she from?

American father, Vietnamese mother.

She's a mongrel.

Of course in Asia, that's a disgrace to her race.

They don't let too many of them out.

Now she was discovered in a deserted hooch.

What happened to her mother, her family we just don't know.

And she won't say.

She needs a tremendous amount of love and reassurance.

So do I.

And Joe is a Hopi Indian.

Orphaned since birth.

[CLEARS THROAT]
Uh, Pete...

Now Marge and I feel...

Wait a minute,
wait a minute.

If Joe and...

Wait, I got a few points
I'd like to make.

Sure.

First of all, we're running a home not a hotel.

True.

Second of all, I have a feeling those two come as an entry.

Well.

And third of all...

Do you love me?

Do you honestly love me?

Well, love is not
enough, darling.

I guess you're right because with four kids,

I never get to see you now.

With six, I'd have to make an appointment

to get a little something going.

Pete...

I'm talking about
our sex life, Marge.

I know. Go ahead. Thank you.

Gauche, gauche.

Give it some thought.

I'm gonna get me a taco.

I think he's weakening.

He ran away.

Marge, what are we doing?

I thought I was gaining
a child, I'm losing a
husband! God damn it!

JOE: Hi.

What's on your mind?

Sign my book.

I already signed your book.
Don't you remember me?

Hey, Joe. Here's our pony.
Come on, hurry up.

Okay. I'm coming.

Can I have that book?

It belongs to him.

Hey, mister, help me up.

[GRUNTS]

There you go.

Hold me, I'm scared.

A scared Indian? I never
heard of such a thing.

Do you wanna take
me home with you?

I don't even wanna
go home myself.

I'll be good. I won't wet my bed no more.

Honest, I promise.

Look, uh...

Joe, why don't
you shop around?

I'm probably the
worst parent here.

I yell at my kids, I send
them to bed without dinner,
I spank them.

You'll hate me!

You could spank me any time.

Please? I don't like
where I stay now.

Please?

Come on you.

What's the matter?

I tell you
what's the matter.

We don't beg.

JOE: What does that mean?

Shut up, I tell you later.

Pete?

Honey, what happened?

Just came face to face with ancient civilization.

Honey,
I want to apologize.

I must be an idiot.

I don't know how I let Marge talk me into more problems

and you and I cannot
find time for
our relationship

and as such
it doesn't make sense.

[HELICOPTER WHIRRING]

Chopper, take cover! Goddamn pigs, save your ass!

What the hell is that?

Quan, Quan, what's wrong?

Here comes Santa Claus.

CHILDREN:
Here comes Santa Claus!

WOMAN: Come on, darling, you're gonna see Santa Claus.

Where we going?

Shut up and run!

Can't run no more.

QUAN: Yes, you can. Come on!

Quan. QUAN: Hurry!

Here's a present
for you. Ho, ho, ho.
Here's one for you.

Hide, in here.

KATHY: It's all right,
it's all right.

It's all right.

What the hell is this?

Thit heo kho.
A Vietnamese delicacy.

And you dip it in this
nuoc mam.

Nuoc mam?
What's its real name?

Fermented fish heads.

[GROANS] Oh, you can't make me eat this jive.

I ain't in this family. Plus I got the law on my side.

Is that supposed to
be funny, Freddie?

Aren't we doing this to help Quan feel at home on her first night,

to make her feel proud
of her heritage?

How about me? It's my first night, too.

Right. We're having
a special American
Indian dinner in your honor

tomorrow night, Joe.
What would you like?

Pizza with anchovies.

Hey, Indian, is that all you guys did at the Custer?

Hey, look at Quan.

Mom, the Vietnamese pajamas we bought her fit her perfectly.

Will you buy me a pair, too?

KATHY: Sure.

Oh, Quan you look beautiful.

Do you like them?

[SPEAKING NATIVE LANGUAGE]

What does that mean,
it stinks?

Oh, Robert, I'm sure it
means that they're
just lovely, doesn't it?

Means it stinks.

Oh, it does, does it?

Anyone, for fermented, fish heads, right?

Oh, I have another
surprise for you, Quan.

You're gonna
like this better.

Will you teach us
how to use chopsticks?

We wanna be authentic.

Why?

Because we're having
thit heo kho, cha gio,
nuoc mam.

When we get done we're
gonna look like this.

[LAUGHING]

Stop that! Stop that! Stop that! Stop that!

Stop that! Stop that!
Stop that! Stop that!

KATHY: What are you doing?

[QUAN SCREAMING]

Hey!

Get over here!

What you making
fun of her for, huh?

Get off me!

[SHOUTING IN NATIVE LANGUAGE]

LIZ: Shut up! You shut up too!

[SHOUTING IN NATIVE LANGUAGE]

Quan...

Quan...

[QUAN CRYING]

Get lost you!

Quan, let go of the door knob, Quan.

What's wrong?

Quan no goddamn slope!

No goddamn what?

Slope! Slope head! Gooks, slant eye.

Oh, I get the idea!

Don't wanna wear Mama San's clothes,

eat cotton picking gook food, stinking fish heads!

Yeah, well, my family
will be glad to hear that.

Poor honey.

Quan wanna wear Levis.

Well, you got it.
I'm gonna go fix you a
pair of Liz's right now.

Quan, you were right to get
angry, do you know that?

I'm proud of you
for getting angry.

The kids were very cruel.

But you always run away and cry when you have a problem?

Sure.

Well, let's see.

Well, if the whole
world did that
what would happen?

I'm gonna try your method,
let's see what happens.

I have a problem,
right? Okay.

[CRYING]

I have a daughter and she
doesn't wanna be loved.

Anybody else got a problem?

I'm playing Milwaukee Tuesday. Give me some room.

[CRYING]

Oh, don't hurt me, Milwaukee, please, don't hurt me.

I don't like to be hurt.

Come on in, kids, there's a lot of room at the Wailing Wall.

[ALL CRYING]

Everybody take
off your clothes.

No, no, just cry.

Stop that, goddamn
Yanks, stop that!

You stop that, goddamn
Yanks, stop that!

You stop that. You stop that. You goddamn Yanks!

You stop that!

[LAUGHING]

[ALL LAUGHING]

JOE: Can I get in bed
with you, please?
I'm scared.

Hey.

[COUGHING]

Poor, little angel.

What's going on? Menage a trois?

I thought I made
my appointment.

Didn't you check your dance card?

The kids are watching TV.

They gave Joe such a terrible time. He's so frightened.

You sure you're an Indian?

I'm not an Indian. I don't wanna be an Indian,

because I don't want
the cowboys to kill me.

They don't do that anymore.

I saw them.
I don't wanna be shot.

I don't wanna be all bloody. I want to go to kindergarten.

Don't worry, baby,
we're not gonna let the
cowboys shoot you.

Good.

And you're gonna
sleep here with us.

How do you like that?

Because we're gonna
try to protect you
from everything.

And I'll try not
to wet the bed.

[ROB SCREAMING]

What the hell is
going on out there?

Hey, it's after 12:00!

What the hell's the matter with those... Hey, what are you doing out there?

For Christ sakes!

Hey!

Darling, shut up,
they're fine.

Move, you're walking
the goddamn ball!

Why don't you show some guts? Bring it on!

Come on, Whitey!

[GRUNTS]

Beauty, beauty.
Nice move.

Oh, God!

Everything's gonna
be all right.
Go to bed.

I don't understand.

Nice.

But...

Go to bed.
It's gonna be fine.

[QUAN SCREAMING]

Quan. Quan.

They're coming for me!

They're coming for all of us with a net.

LIZ: Quan, what's wrong?

What's happening?

Why is she on the floor?

MARY: She's funny. She said she never slept in a bed before.

Mom, she was fast asleep
when I came back
from the bathroom.

Then I turned off the
light and she started
yelling like that.

[SPEAKING NATIVE LANGUAGE]

What's she saying?

I don't know.
Get my Vietnamese
dictionary.

I think it means dark or death, I don't know which.

She was having a nightmare. It's all right, baby.

Quan, Quan,
it's me, Joe.

Listen, it's all right here. They like you and they even like me.

Honest, I'm not
afraid no more.

And I don't even think
I'm gonna wet the bed.

Beat it, stupid jerk.

See, she's okay now.

Nice going, Sigmund.

Nothing to be
frightened of here.

And you're not gonna
be alone tonight.

Because you're gonna
sleep in bed with Liz.

Mom!

And Mary's gonna sleep with you, too.

Do I have to?

Yup.

You're all gonna have
company. I'm sleeping
with the three of you.

Let's get out of here before she asks us, too.

Right on, man.

PETE: Psst! Psst!

What am I supposed
to do tonight?

You made me put
the cologne on.

I don't know, honey,
but I have a feeling
you won't be bored,

you're sleeping with Joe.

Come on, Chief Running Water. But if the dam breaks you sleep alone. Get it?

Got it.

KATHY: Mary, watch it. You're spilling your Coke, dear.

You look funny.

You're jealous you
don't get Levis.

Looks like there's room in yours for both of you.

Liz, what are you doing?

Oh, Mother, you wouldn't understand.

Some boys are trying to look at me.

Oh, hallelujah! D-Day.

Can I have some popcorn?

Yes, five.

I don't want any.

Four, four.
I'm sorry. Here you go.

Well, I guess I better get along to the locker room.

Okay, honey. MARY: I want to play basketball, too.

I'm just mascoting, I ain't playin'.

I'm not playing.

I'm not playin'.

Playing. Playing.

But the way the team's
going maybe I
ought to be praying.

Come on, kids, we're late.

Mom, I wanna tell
you something.

What's that?

How come Freddie gets to be
mascot and daddy says
I can't and Rob can't.

And Freddie's not
even a relative yet.

Honey, it's just something special that daddy thinks

Freddie needs more than you and Rob. Okay?

Boy, the minorities get
all the good jobs.

Isn't it about time? No.

[CHEERING]

All right! All right!
We may win this one.

FREDDIE: Yeah, let's go. Come on! That's the way!

PETE: Come on, come on,
let's play like men, huh?

ROB: Come on, get them.

Yes!

Hey, check that big
guy out! He's...

Check that big guy out. He took five seconds
in the lane.

Right, five seconds.

Come on, pay attention,
will you?

Get him out of there.

FREDDIE: Get him out of there, now!

What happened?
You had a fight with
your old lady last night?

And you wanna
take it out on me? ...take it out on...

Yeah. Right on.

What the hell is this
thing you call a violation?

ANNOUNCER: Half time.

PETE: Okay, come on,
we're only four down.

ANNOUNCER: Half time
score, Atlanta Hawks 56,
Phoenix Suns 52.

For us that's a moral victory.

Let's get some life here. We can take them.

They were sucking wind
at the end of the half
and they can be had.

Look, Corky, don't
get fancy with me,

I don't want him to get
anymore free ones, okay?

And, Charlie, don't
keep sagging in on him.

He'll pass off to your man every time, you know that.

And, Walt, drive on Williams!

Go right through him. The man can't block his shot. Go through him.

Go through that gorilla?
Why don't you try it?

You can do it, man,
you been dogging it.

Anybody can see that.

And who the hell
asked you, Oreo?

Hey, leave him alone.

Listen, he stuck his
two cents in,
I didn't start it.

You know what Oreo is, boy?

Yeah, no, I'm not sure.

Well, it's a cookie.
It's black on the outside
and white on the inside.

I ain't no goddamn Oreo.

Ain't you?
Who you living with?

You sure don't look like
Booker T. Washington to me.

For Christ sakes, Walt, will you lay off the kid?

What's the matter, Coach,
ain't you told him
he's a spade yet?

MAN 1: Lay off, Walt. MAN 2: Yeah, come on now.

Yeah, man, you're losing your cool.

He's got it tough enough, you wanna make it tougher on him?

No, I wanna make it
easier. He gonna get a
whole lot of this later on.

Think you're doing a
good thing, don't you?

Well, it's a lot of bullshit.

That kid's gonna grow up
he ain't gonna know

who the hell he is or
what the hell he is.

Why should he grow up? You never did.

I'm not interested in your opinion, just go out and play ball.

I ain't so goddamn
sure I want to.

What do you want? More money?

You want it so much, you're willing to louse up a whole team?

You want to go out in front of 15,000 people

and make a complete ass of yourself.

Then you gotta come in here and take it out on a kid?

[BUZZER SOUNDS]

Where the hell are you going?

Back to play.

You haven't played in a month!

Get your million dollar
ass in the showers.

Maybe we'll win one.
Kleinsmith you're in
for Doctor Know.

Hey, Oreo, give us
a drink, will you?

Oops, sorry.

Come on.

Kleinsmith is in,
Johnson's out of the game.

Kleinsmith replacing
Johnson this half.

Word from the coach is

Johnson has been benched
for the remainder of the
game and maybe the season.

[CROWD BOOING]

Who are they booing?

Daddy.

Good.

[BOOING]

Well, the coach finally
did something.

Yeah, he cut his own throat!

LIZ: Mother, will you please help me fasten this? I can't do it.

Okay.

Will you hurry?

Oh, honey,
you look beautiful.

This is the first time you've worn anything that wouldn't look good on our plumber.

Well, Mom, it's Halloween and I'm going to the dance disguised as a girl.

Isn't it about time maybe?

You know, you haven't
told me anything
about your boyfriend.

What does his father
do, for example?

Mom, how would I know? You don't ask a high school man questions.

Oh, no?Joe did it. Joe did it,
all by himself.

I cast a spell over him and he killed Al North dead.

Trick or treat,
threw flour in his face!

I'm an Indian! I'm an Indian! I'm brave, I'm an Indian!

Come on, let's kill the rest of the neighborhood.

Quan, come here. I didn't notice.

You're wearing your hateful ao daioutfit. What happened?

We study in school.
American people are
children.

Too young
understand anything.

Vietnamese people
wise and old. I like.

Oh, that means you're getting rid of those terrible Levis, too, huh?

Oh, no, got underneath.
My legs not cold.

Who said, "Never the twain shall meet?"

Al North's raising hell about Joe. We gotta learn him a lesson.

Teach him a lesson.Teach him a lesson.

Yeah, we're gonna make
an Indian raid and put
soap on his windows.

Oh, no, you don't! You're staying right here.

Mom, come on.

Freddie, run into my room and get me my gold earrings.

Oh, you're gonna be
so classy tonight.

Oh, Mom, thank you. Hurry up, Milton's on his way.

Have you kissed Milton yet?

Well...

Does he know you stuff
handkerchiefs in
your bra all the time?

I do not.

Quan, run downstairs
and put the cider
in the glasses. Good.

How come Quan do
all the dirty work,
God damn it, Mom?

Quan, come here.

What?

What's that for?

Well, it's not for the "God damn it."

[DOORBELL RINGS]

That's Milton! Mama, that's not my shoe!

Wait a minute.

Here's your earrings.

Thank you.
Goodbye, everybody!

Liz, wait a minute now. What's wrong here? What's the big hurry?

Come on now, don't you want him to meet your now family?

It's not exactly that.

I'm really surprised at you.

All right, let's get this straight.

There is no room for prejudice of any kind in this house.

Your boyfriend might as well know what color your new brothers and sisters are,

he'll find out sooner or later.

Put those earrings on. I will let Martin in.

Mom! For crying out loud,
Mom, his name's Milton.

Don't disgrace me before
I even kissed him.

Well, I did say Milton.

Here, Mom.

Thank you, dear, I can use this.

[QUAN GASPS]

Liz Morrison live here?

I'm sorry you frightened me.

I'm supposed to.
This isn't my real face.
The real one's ugly.

Come on in.

Liz is upstairs. She'll be down in a minute, Martin.

No, my name's Milton.

Milton, we haven't met.
We were having...

QUAN: Mom!

Better put the mask back on.

What an awful thing to say.

Quan, will you get
the mop, dear?

God damn it, Mom.

Oh, nervous day,
make yourself at home,
Martin.

I'm gonna go help
my daughter get dressed.

Yuck! This cider's just cider.

That's the way it is in this house.

How come you wanna
take Liz to the dance?

Why not?

No boy ever asked her before.

There's gotta be a first time for everything.

You figure on making out?

Man, I just asked
her to the school dance.
It ain't the last tango.

Hey, you crazy, man?

Teach says tobacco stunts your growth. I wanna grow real tall.

Tall? You'll fly right through that ceiling. Put it out, they'll smell it.

They don't even know what it is.

I know and you don't put
it out, I'm gonna tell Liz.

Go ahead, I promise
she can try one, too.

You crazy, man?

Man, who are you, the black FBI?

You better give me
my roach back.

You're all wet.
Get off me!

Hey, what are you doing there?

Freddie. Freddie, break his head.

Stop it, you.
God damn you!

[ALL SHOUTING]

Jesus, I'm fighting the whole United Nations!

Hey, hey, what's going
on here? Come on, get up!

Stop that, come on,
give me that!

Get off there.
Come on, upstairs!
Upstairs!

What the hell is
going on here? Let me at him.

Come on! Kill him, Freddie!

Get over here! Go get some iodine! Stop!

All right, enough, enough!
Who the hell are you?

Martin, I mean, Milton!

Come on, Marvin,
you're going home.

Man, this is a crazy house.

You noticed?

What happened? What happened, Daddy? Where's Milton?

Out on his rear end. Who the hell is he?

Her first date.

Probably my last.

Oh, Liz. Liz, baby.

Now all I gotta figure out is how all this is my fault.

Honey, what are you
doing home tonight?
You're playing the Lakers.

I think.

Well, your Mama was right.

Should have married a guy with a steady job.

Pete, you are... Oh, God,
how did that happen? Who?

Who else? Our beloved owner. Did it with real class, too.

In the locker room in front
of the whole team.

Turned off the showers
and everything.

Threw his cigar at me.

Oh, that fink!

You were the best
coach they ever had.

You made my day, Freddie.

Goddamn!

Thank you.

[SNIFFING]

Is that...

Did Milton come back?

No! Daddy got fired and lost his job

and we're all gonna starve.

He didn't come back?

Where'd this come from? I took it from...

[SHUSHING]

I found it in the street.

Sure you did. You
and I are gonna have a
long talk, Superfly.

Up to your room.

Daddy, Daddy, guess what?

What?

I'm an Indian, I'm an Indian and I'm brave! I'm an Indian!

[ULULATING]

If it rains tomorrow,
we'll know who to blame.

Oh, Pete, I feel just
terrible, darling.

I know how awful
you must feel.

I know how much that team means to you.

It means more than
anything in the...

[SIGHS] What now?

PETE: What's the matter?

What's going on here? My jewelry's missing.

What are you talking about?

Where's my wrist watch?

Well, how, how am I
supposed to know? Who took my wrist watch?

I don't know.
It was here this morning.

Who could have taken it? All right, I don't know.

This evening I sent one
of the children to get
something from...

Which, which one of the children?My earrings.

Which one?

Uh...

Freddie.

You said the magic word.

Freddie.

Wake up, Freddie.

What do you want?

I want a little
conversation with you
over a glass of milk.

Come on down to the kitchen.

I'm not thirsty.

Sure you are.

What's going on?

The Spanish Inquisition.

Come on, son.
Go to sleep.

I don't even know what you're talking about.

You know exactly what I'm talking about.

I do not!

Go on, admit it, you took the stuff!

You're not going
to be punished.

Freddie, look,

we know what you're
going through.

After all, we're your family. All we ask is that you tell us the truth.

And then we'll beat
the hell out of you!

That's exactly what
we're not going to do.

Now, this evening
I sent you to get my
gold earrings, right?

And later when I went to put my watch away,

I found
my jade pin was missing,
two of my rings.

And my gold championship
wrist watch from the NBA

that you had
the sensitivity to steal
on the day I got fired.

You really think I took it?

Yeah, and you
probably hocked it for
that Acapulco grass.

I didn't touch grass until I was 15 years old!

I wanna get out of here. I don't wanna be no goddamn Oreo.

Any goddamn Oreo.

Any goddamn Oreo.

All right, Freddie, whether
you become one or not

depends a great
deal on you.

Don't we have a
right to question

whether or not you
took the stuff?

Whether you smoked
the cigarette?

Honey, if you tell us you
didn't, we'll believe you,

just as we believe
any of our children

and that's all
there'll be to it.

How come you're not asking any of them all these questions?

I don't have to say I did and I don't have to say I didn't.

Right.

Why don't you
learn to trust me?

After all, I'm your
mother now, Freddie.

You are not! I got a real mother someplace, ain't I?

Yes.

Where is she? Where is she right now? I got a right to know.

That's the law.

Oh, Freddie, I'm sorry.

It's not the law.

Your real mother gave
you up legally,

not because she didn't want you, because she couldn't keep you.

Honey, she didn't
have a choice.

And she knew it
had to be forever or
we couldn't take you.

By some goddamn whitey who I don't care about.

You know where she is.

No, I'm not allowed
to know either.

I got a right to know my own mother, even if I'm black.

If you had any sense
you'd realize that
your real mother's

standing right in
front of you.

The hell she is!

Well, it's true, Freddie,
I do love you very much.

Can't you accept my love?

Or can't you believe
that there's something
more important

than the color of your skin?

I wanna get out of here!

All right. Next week
will be six months.

Whatever decision you
make then will be final.

I don't wanna wait no next week, I want out now.

Terrific, I'll hold
the door for you!

All right, let's
just stop talking now.

We're all very tired,
we'll talk about it...

God damn it, I hate all of you!

I hate you all! I wanna get out right now!

And you're a lousy basketball coach, too!

Don't forget
to wind my watch!

Please, shut up.

Well, how'd it go?

I'm going back to the foster home.

Why?

Don't ask stupid questions.

How you gonna get there?

Don't worry.

Can I go with you?

Boy are you dumb!

Everybody's black there.

All the kids and everybody.
How would you fit in?

Oh, I guess it's crazy.

Hey, Rob...

I won't be needing
this anymore.

Thanks.

Hey, Fred, how do
you hotwire a car?

Ten years old and you don't
know a goddamn thing.

[MAN CHATTERING ON TV]

You know, he could've made 50 points.

Aw, that's it, nice, miss another.

Beautiful.

Freddie's leaving
Freddie's leaving.
Right now!

Leaving? Are you sure?

Yeah, he packed
his basketball.

How long ago?

Four and a half...
Four and a half minutes.

KATHY: Joe...

Where'd you get this watch?

Quan gave it to me.

Quan?

For being a brave Indian.

[ULULATING]

KATHY: My jewelry, pennies.

A loaf of bread,
my silver mirror.

Quan, a can of sardines, what for?

Eat.

Did you think we were going to stop feeding you?

Maybe.

Mom, honest,
I had no idea.

Neither did I.

I can't find Freddie,
I'm calling the cops.

What the hell is that?
What the hell has she got
there, a delicatessen?

You won't have to survive by yourself anymore, Quan.

There's no war here.

A great deal of love, but no war.

[CRYING]

Back to fermented fish heads.

Everybody in the closet.

Quan, in all this time,
don't you begin to
feel safe with us?

Do you know as long as you want to be with us everything we have is yours?

Do you believe me?

Okay, here.

That's 24 karat gold.

LIZ: Mom!

KATHY: That's what I was told on my wedding day.

Pete? Give me your wallet.

What?

Your wallet, your money.
I wanna prove a point
once and for all.

There's a couple hundred dollars in here.

Good. Give it to me.

I'm gonna have a tough time explaining this to the unemployment office tomorrow.

How's that for a start?

MARY: All I ever
get is a quarter.

Daddy, daddy, daddy!
We found Freddie.

Joe, no, no, no, you weren't supposed to tell.

Where is he, little Joe?

He's in the garage trying to start your car.

Do I get another watch?

Pete, your car,
he'll kill himself!

Don't worry,
I got the keys.

Freddie doesn't use keys.

Oh, Christ.

JOE: Daddy, will you teach me how to drive?

[CAR ENGINE STARTING]

I'll break his ass.

God damn it, Freddie!
I just had it waxed.

Be careful Freddie.

Oh, baby, I can't watch.

Please, let me go!
I wanna kill him!

Daddy, there's something I have to tell you about Milton.

Who cares about Milton?
I just lost a son
and a fender.

But this is important. That cigarette was his! I told Freddie not to tell.

[CAR SCREECHING]

You and your mother have
the worst taste in men!

There goes another fender!

Oh, no!

LIZ: Freddie, Freddie, come back! You'll kill yourself!

Stop!

MARY: Take me with you!

[DOG BARKING]

[HORNS HONKING]

[SIREN WAILING]

[CRASHING]

Let's see your driver's license.

That's him.

Can you identify this suspect?

Yeah, they don't all look
alike to me anymore.

This one's my son.

Your what?

My wife and I are in the
process of adopting him.

Sure like long shots,
don't you, coach?

PETE: Story of my life!

You all right?Yeah.

What the hell happened?

You ought to get your brakes fixed.

Hey, coach is it true Krause fired you last night?

What the hell's
that got to do
with anything?

Well, you got enough troubles.

We'll just book the kid on a misdemeanor. All right?

Like hell you will. I'm not preferring any charges.

He stole your car. I gave him permission.

Wanted to keep
the battery charged. Aw, come on, coach,

we know this kid. He's been here before

with some bleeding heart
from the welfare agency
got him off.

I feel bad for you. It's too bad you couldn't put him in the gas chamber.

Okay, coach...

You want to treat this kid as an underprivileged minority, right?

Well, let me lay some truth on you. I know a million like him.

This kid is a pain in the ass, if he was white he'd be pain in the ass,

if he was green he'd be a pain in the ass!

Now do yourself a favor, coach, huh?

Let us handle it?
We get paid for that.

Who elected you God?

Mr. Morrison, sir,
you don't understand
these kids.

You don't
understand them!

I don't understand? No!

Bullshit!

I grew up on Hestor Street, you know where that is?

Here we go again!

Well, it's the armpit
of the world,
if you wanna know!

A rerun to New York City!

I got beaten up so many times, by the time I was nine. I was punch drunk.

You know what I did about it?

I learned how to hit first! Or I wouldn't live to be 10!

You know what else I did? I stole everything that wasn't nailed down!

I rolled drunks on the
Bowery! I even mugged
my teacher once!

It's tough being a
little boy! I walked
around scared all day!

I once saw a kid walking
down the street, he had
something in his hand,

I didn't know what it was. I hit him with a garbage can cover!

To this day, I don't know whether he was coming after me or not!

My father found out
about it, he beat the
living hell out of me!

That's how he
showed his love.

But I'll tell you
what he did for me!

He bought me
my first basketball.

And he saved every penny
he made and he moved us
out of that hell hole!

I had a big jump
on Freddie.

If it wasn't for my old man I'd be making license

plates someplace
for the rest of my life!

Right now, I'm the only reasonable facsimile of a father Freddie has.

If he's willing to
give me another chance.

I'm gonna pull him together.

If I have to break him
in half to do it.

Well, I wish you luck, coach.

You could sure use a winner. You said it.

Think I finally have one.

Now, what do I have to do to get him out of here?

Well, let's see.
Towing your car
to the lot, $20.

Driving without a license, about a $50 fine

and probably 150 bucks repair to the patrol car.

Few years back you could have bought 'em for less.

I know but I didn't
have any cotton
field to be picked.

OFFICER: Pay in
the other room.

Come on, kid,
you're going home!

Hey, coach.

What you gonna do when that little bastard grows up and gets some white girl pregnant?

Buy him a cigar. I got a white girl pregnant.

And believe me, it wasn't that easy.

You're like a bird's
nest right on your head.

How would you like some vinegar across your hair?

[CHILDREN LAUGHING]

Shut up!

You shut up! Who you talking? I'm the daddy of this family.

How would you like
about 1,000 turtles
on your head?

[EXCLAIMING]

You better watch what you're saying here!

How would you like
a punch in the mouth?

A what? A knock in your nut!

A knock on the nut?
How about a crams
in the klipnack?

[CHILDREN SHOUTING] Hello, everybody.

We're finally getting
around to honoring Joe.

How would you like
your nut on your...

How'd you like a kiss on your neck?

How would you like some
ice right on your eye?

How would you like a carrot?

How would you like...

I prepared all this food. Ear of corn.

And oh, boy, pizza, pizza!

Yes, pizza! Thank God!

Where's Freddie, isn't
he coming to dinner, too?

No, he's upstairs
talking to Mrs. Reiss.

Let's eat.

If he's leaving,
can I have his pizza?

I'm hungry, shoot me!

Kathy?

I've just been listening to the Emancipation Proclamation.

I'm sorry, Kathy, but he still wants to leave.

Right. Okay.
I don't understand
anything. Anything.

I don't think any of us can, not being Freddie.

I don't think Freddie
understands.

Well, I suppose in addition to everything

that happened on Halloween, somewhere in the back of his mind is

the knowledge that his natural mother is around someplace.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Honey, answer the door.

Come on, Marge, the kids wanted to say hello.

The old salary, Pete,
not a penny more.
Take it or leave it!

You got a deal, Jack. I'll leave it.

Leave it? What the hell do
you mean you'll leave it?

We just got three
at Philadelphia,

that's like losing to the Playboybunnies.

Oh, well, I'm all choked
up about that, Jack.

Oh, by the way, how's my
friend Walt Johnson?

Is he still saving
your franchise?

Who the hell knows what he's doing?

I gave him the raise he wanted. Now he hates the new coach!

Sorry.

So does everybody else!

Not me, I think he's cute.

Well, listen,

Walt told me he never
wanted me to fire you
in the first place.

He said all he wanted
was to feel loved.

I'm touched.

Pete, I could trade him. But whoever buys his contract

is gonna have to
sign his psychiatrist, too.

So you really want me to come back, Jack?

Yeah, I'm stuck!

I'll tell you what.

I'll come back under one condition.

Name it.

Walt Johnson calls me up and asks me to come back.

And begs my forgiveness.

And he tells me he loves me, how's that?

You're both crazy!
I got a couple of nuts!

I'm running an asylum.

You're not running it, Jack.

You got a nine foot Napoleon running it.

Now Johnson's not that bad.

Go on, he's a cry baby and a quitter!

In my book there's nothing worse.

Okay, okay, okay. I'll get him to fall on his knees

and apologize to you. Last night we lost by 30 points!

Thirty-four, Jack.

Hey, Jack...

What are you getting so upset about? It's only a game.

You ready? Yeah.

Goodbye, Freddie.

Good luck.

Thanks.

So long.
Thanks for the jacket.

Wherever you go,
don't be afraid.

Don't worry, I ain't.

I'm not.

I'm not.

Here, I don't need anymore.

Thanks, Quan.
I don't need it
either anymore.

Listen...

I have to.

Yes.

Let's go.

I'll call you later.

So long, Walt.

Freddie, Freddie, can I have your dessert, too?

Sure. Thanks.

Look at it this way,
we lost an auto thief,
right?

Right.

I do love you.

I love you.

And you're

probably right
about basketball.
It is a stupid game.

No.

You bounce a dead pig up
and down the court and
you throw it through

a hoop with a net on it.
What is that?

Don't judge, dear, that's a judgment.

I never really listened to you, what you were going through with the team.

And I tried to substitute children for what I owed you,

for our relationship.

I was wrong.
I was wrong.

Well, don't feel so bad,
because I've thought
it all over myself.

I think you were wrong too.

Let's go to bed.

And I'll try to understand
how bouncing a rubber ball

can be so important to you.

It'll be difficult,
but I will try.

Now, I understand
it's an art form.

You wanna win the cuckoo bird award again?

How?

[PHONE RINGING]

If you start crying I'm taking you out.

Huh. What does that mean?

You figure it out.

You phoned me, I didn't phone you.

As I remember the last thing I called you was a mean, ungrateful bastard!

What you called me
was a mean, ungrateful
black bastard!

I stand corrected.

I like a man that
tells it like it is.

It means you love me.

Just put the little ball
through the hoop or
you're back on welfare.

Well, you better save me a place in line.

I will.

Mother, sit down! Why?

The boys are trying
to look at me.

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

Yes, yes, beauty. Beauty.

When they play like
this forget about it.

Come on, guys, that's it.
Hang in there tough.

Beauty, beauty.

Come on, that's enough.

Mom, when we go to adoption?

Next month, honey, then you'll really be ours.

Do they honestly get to change their first names?

KATHY: That's right, Liz.

Court says they can choose any name they want to.

Have you decided?

Yes. Joseph Cochise Morrison.

Okay, Chief.

How about you?

Raquel Jacqueline Morrison.

You know what? It never hurts to think big.

Do I get to
change mine, too?

No. It's a bummer
but you don't.

Boy, the minorities get all the good names.

LIZ: Oh, there she goes again.

I've made such a bigot. What's happening to you?

Mom? What?

Look.

[CROWD CHEERING]

It's Freddie.

It's Fred.

It's Freddie.

Freddie's here.

Hi, Freddie. Hi.

Don't push.
There isn't any room.

We didn't know
you were coming.

Well, I'm not gonna sit down, I just come for my jacket.

Can I have a little
bite of your hot dog?

Just came for my jacket.

Here, I don't don't want it.

Thanks, Rob.

Sure.

See you later.

PETE: Look at the way he's helping out on defense.

Jim, I'm telling you
what the hell's the sense
of getting upset about it?

It's just a game, right?

Way to grab the rebound!
Look at that!

Holy...

Go in for the
Jolly Green Giant.

Any time I feel like you're not trying, you get a free seat at the game.

Sit down and count your money.

Oh, yeah, keep
your hand on your
jock strap,

somebody's liable
to steal that, too.

Come on, let's get moving
here! Move, move!

Move it down the court! Get it moving.

Let's go. Now you've got it.

You gotta get Rob another jacket.

You keeping that one?

You gave it to me,
didn't you?

You better grow up to
be six foot eight or
I'm taking it back.

Don't worry, I'll grow.

Coach, adopt me?

Hey, Ref,
what's the matter?

Did you swallow
your whistle or
something?

Are you blind? I mean, he was
crawling all over

Glazer's back.
Call a foul for God sakes!

Don't let me catch you driving a new Cadillac tomorrow!

Pay attention to
the game, will you?

You stupid son of a...

Let's go, let's move.
That's right.

Come on, you act like
a bunch of girls!

Get it together!