Mitzi... A Tribute to the American Housewife (1974) - full transcript

♪ How the world can change ♪

♪ It can change like that ♪

♪ Due to one little word ♪

♪ Married ♪

- That's him!

(audience laughs)

♪ See a palace rise from a two-room flat ♪

♪ Due to one little word ♪

♪ Married ♪

♪ And the old despair
that was often there ♪

♪ Suddenly ceases to be ♪



♪ For you wake one day ♪

♪ Look around and say ♪

♪ Somebody wonderful ♪

♪ Married me ♪

(lively orchestral music)

(audience applauding)

Yes, that one little word, married,

and that one little word
gives a girl all of this!

(audience laughs)

What's this?

Well, this is the small print
in the marriage license.

This is one week's work for
the average American housewife,

42 beds to make, 863 dishes to wash,

and an open-faced peanut butter and jelly



that fell gooey side down.

(audience laughing)

But listen, before we continue,

all you guys out there watching the show,

would you do me a great big favor, please?

Would you go out into the kitchen

where your wife is still up to her elbows

doing the dinner dishes and
bring her into the living room

so that she can watch the show, too?

Would you do that for me, huh?

(lively music)
(audience applauding)

- [Announcer] "Mitzi...A Tribute
to the American Housewife,"

starring Mitzi Gaynor, Ted Knight,

Jerry Orbach, Jane Withers,

featuring Cliff Norton,

and special guest star, Suzanne Pleshette.

(light orchestral music)

- I hope that you don't
mind I started without you.

Tonight, we'd sorta like
to get the record straight

on the subject of housewives.

There's an awful lotta wrong ideas

about what a housewife really
is and what she really does.

For example, ask any husband,
and he'll probably say this.

(whimsical music)

♪ The girl that I marry will have to be ♪

♪ As soft and as pink as a nursery ♪

♪ The girl I call my own ♪

♪ Will wear satins and laces ♪

♪ And smell of cologne ♪

♪ Her nails will be
polished, and in her hair ♪

♪ She'll wear a gardenia,
and I'll be there ♪

♪ 'Stead of flittin', I'll be sittin' ♪

♪ Next to her ♪

♪ And she'll purr like a kitten ♪

(lively music)

♪ I can wash 44 pairs of socks ♪

♪ And have 'em hangin' out on the line ♪

♪ Starch and iron two dozens shirts ♪

♪ While you can count from one to nine ♪

♪ Ah ♪

♪ If you come to me sickly ♪

♪ You know I'm gonna make you well ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ If you come to me hexed up ♪

♪ You know I'm gonna break that spell ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm a woman ♪

♪ W-O-M-A-N, I'll say it again ♪

♪ I can rub and scrub
till this old house ♪

♪ Is shinin' like a dime ♪

♪ Feed the baby, wash the car ♪

♪ And powder my nose
all at the same time ♪

♪ Get all dressed up
and go out and swing ♪

♪ Till four a.m. and then ♪

♪ Lay down at five and jump up at six ♪

♪ And start all over again ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm a woman ♪

♪ W-O-M-A-N, I'll say it again ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm a woman, W-O-M-A-N ♪

♪ Whoo ah ♪

♪ A doll I can carry, the
girl that I marry must ♪

(lively music)

♪ I can stretch a greenback dollar bill ♪

♪ From here to kingdom come ♪

♪ Play the numbers and pay my bills ♪

♪ And still end up with some ♪

♪ I got a $20 gold piece that says ♪

♪ There ain't nothing I can't do ♪

♪ Make a dress out of a feedbag ♪

♪ Make a man outta you ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm a woman ♪

♪ W-O-M-A-N, I'll say it again ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm a ♪

♪ Woman ♪

♪ Woman ♪

♪ Woman ♪

♪ Woman ♪

♪ A doll I can carry, the
girl that I marry must be ♪

(lively music)

(audience applauding)

(phone ringing)

Hello. Oh, hi Grace, how are ya?

Good, listen, honey, I called
before because Phil and I

are having a little dinner
party on Friday night.

Yeah, 7:30, you know,
dressy-ca, everything, right.

You can? Terrific, okay,
honey, bye-bye, bye.

I better check that off before I forget.

The calendar's a very, very important part

of a housewife's life,
you know, and oh, gee,

this week is filling up already,
and today's only Monday!

(audience laughs)

Monday, that's the toughest
day for a housewife

because it's the beginning
of a long, long week.

And that's when she sometimes wonders,

did she marry the right guy?

Now, come on, admit it.

Haven't you ever wondered
what it would've been like

if you'd married one of those guys

you used to date back in high school?

You know, like the guy who
wrote in your yearbook,

"Yours till Niagara falls"?

(audience laughs)

Or maybe the, uh, captain
of the football team

or the best dancer, you
know, the one who could dip?

Or how 'bout the guy voted
Most Likely to Succeed

or the class brain, the
first guy you ever dated.

♪ The photograph album she
takes from the closet ♪

♪ And slowly turns the first page ♪

♪ And carefully picks up
the crumbling flower ♪

♪ The first one he gave
her, now withered with age ♪

♪ She holds up her apron
in little girl fashion ♪

♪ As something comes into her mind ♪

♪ Then slowly starts dancing,
remembering her girlhood ♪

♪ And all of the boys
she had waiting in line ♪

(audience applauding)

♪ Such are the dreams of
the everyday housewife ♪

♪ You see everywhere any time of the day ♪

(whimsical music)

Oh, Michael, I'm so glad
I decided to marry you.

In high school, you were voted

the Most Likely to Succeed, remember?

- I do, and I did.

(audience laughs)

- Michael, can we go to
that wonderfully expensive

new French restaurant?

- Of course we could go,

if it weren't for my
ulcer. (clears throat)

- Then Michael, maybe we can go to Europe.

- Of course we could, as soon
as the dollar bounces back.

But don't pack your bags.

(audience laughs)

- Maybe, Michael, we could just spend

the evening alone together.

- Of course we could. As
soon as I get the time.

You know, corporations
need attention and care.

- But what about me?

- Why don't we discuss that next week?

Hey, I'm afraid your time is up,

and I've got another appointment waiting.

- Appointment!

You mean I can only see you by appointment

and then for just one half-hour?

- Well, it was either that

or cancel the kids'
appointment altogether.

(audience laughs)

(whimsical music)

♪ Dreams, dreams, everyday dreams ♪

♪ You see everywhere any time of the day ♪

(whimsical music)

- Oh, Danny, I'm so glad
I decided to marry you.

You were the best athlete in high school,

and you still have a terrific physique.

- Thanks, honey. I try to stay in shape.

- Listen, Danny, I know
just what I wanna do today.

- Ow, honey! My trick knee!

Don't you remember when
Kowalczyk tackled me

in a homecoming game?

- Oh, yeah, Danny. I'm
sorry, I forgot. (chuckles)

Well, maybe we could have
a candlelight dinner?

- Ow, my bursitis!

(audience laughs)

- Oh, dear, Danny, I'm,

well, listen, Danny, I
thought maybe after dinner,

uh, we could have a little brandy.

- Yeah?

- And a little coffee.

- Yeah!
- And then maybe

I might slip into
something more comfortable.

Huh?
- Yeah!

- Oh, my back, my, you
know it's never been same

since I pressed that 200 pounds!

- Yeah, yeah, Danny, I forgot.

- Oh, but go ahead, honey.
What's the rest of your plan?

- Oh, never mind, Danny.

- Oh, my neck, my neck!

(audience laughs)

♪ Dreams, dreams, everywhere ♪

♪ Any time of the day ♪

(whimsical music)

- Oh, Mark, I'm so glad
I decided to marry you.

In high school, you were the
smartest boy I went with.

- Honey, don't you mean to say

I was the smartest boy with whom you went?

- Oh, yeah, well, anyway, Mark,

you've made me as happy as a lark.

- Honey, happy as a lark
is a rather hackneyed

and overused simile.

(audience laughs)

Would it be better to simply
say that you are happy?

Larks, by the way, have no
ability to show emotion.

Now, had you said a hummingbird-

- Well, irregardless, I just love you.

- Oh, honey, about irregardless,
there is no such word.

That's a double negative.

Uh, it would be more
appropriate to say nevertheless,

or better still, notwithstanding.

- Oh, I don't care how I say it.

I'm just crazy about you!

- (chuckles) Honey, crazy about you

is a misdirected colloquialism.

Now, that isn't what
you meant to say, is it?

- You're right, Mark.

- I know.

(audience laughs)

- What I mean to say
is that I am departing,

and I never, ever wish to
see you again, you creep.

(audience laughs)

- Not bad!

However, "you creep" used
in that context could mean-

(audience laughs)

(lively music)

♪ Such are the dreams of
the everyday housewife ♪

♪ You see everywhere any time of the day ♪

♪ Like the everyday housewife ♪

♪ Who gave up the good life ♪

♪ For me ♪

(whimsical music continues)

(audience applauding)

- Have you ever read a refrigerator?

You can really get to
know a housewife that way.

When you look at ours,
you can tell that my wife,

Dottie, is willing to take chances.

Little Elyse's home-ec recipe
for vegetarian meatloaf.

But Dottie's also practical.
There's the antidote for it.

(audience laughs)

And she's sentimental, too.

Ted Junior's self-portrait
in finger paints. He's 19.

(audience laughs)

(laughs) Actually, it's
little Eric's. He's 20.

No, I'm only kidding. He's only 10.

Yes, I can really read
my wife like a book.

Oh, here's a note for me.

"Stay outta the kitchen, dummy.

I just waxed the floor." (laughing)

(audience laughs)

That Dottie's a great kidder.

(audience laughs)

Funny, Dorothy, funny.

(audience laughing)

(vampish music)

♪ I'd make a magazine cover ♪

♪ Oh, I keep my house on a dime ♪

♪ I am a wonderful lover ♪

♪ I should be paid overtime ♪

♪ And I can cook, too,
on top of the rest ♪

♪ My oven's the hottest you'll find ♪

♪ And I can broil, too,
my ribs get applause ♪

♪ My gravy will lose you your mind ♪

♪ Well, I'm a man's
ideal of a perfect meal ♪

♪ Right down to the demitasse ♪

♪ I'm a pot of joy for a hungry boy ♪

♪ Baby, I'm cookin' with gas ♪

♪ I'm the hors d'oeuvre,
a jelly preserve ♪

♪ A dish that you'll wish that you took ♪

♪ Oh, what's more, baby, I can cook ♪

(bells ringing)

♪ You load 16 tons, what do ya get ♪

♪ Another day older and deeper in debt ♪

(audience applauding)

♪ Cement mixer, putty putty ♪

♪ It's so nice to have
a man around the house ♪

(audience laughs)

♪ You and me, we sweat and strain ♪

♪ Body all achin' and racked with pain ♪

(audience laughs)

(bell rings)

♪ One less bell to answer ♪

♪ I get by with a little
help from my friends ♪

♪ Alone from night to
night you'll find me ♪

(audience laughs)

♪ Too weak to break the
chains that bind me ♪

♪ I need no shackles to remind me ♪

♪ I'm just a prisoner of ♪

♪ R ♪

♪ I said R-A ♪

♪ R-A-G ♪

♪ R-A-G-G ♪

♪ R-A-G-G M-O-P-P ♪

♪ Rag mop ♪

(lively music)

♪ Try my candied sweet ♪

♪ Try my pickled beet ♪

♪ Step up to my smorgasbord ♪

♪ Go around until you've had your fill ♪

♪ Baby, you'll never be bored ♪

♪ I'm a pate, a marron glace ♪

♪ That's not in the recipe book ♪

♪ Ah, once more, baby, I can cook ♪

♪ C'mon be my guest ♪

(drums rumbling)

♪ And I can clean, too,
I'm one of the best ♪

(lively brass music)

♪ And I can wash, too,
on top of the rest ♪

(lively orchestral music)

(audience applauding)

(whimsical music)

- Are you sure I'm gonna
like this new hairstyle?

- Trust me!

- Oh, darling, would you
hand me that bag over there

with my needlepoint in it?

- There you are.

- Thank you, Arnold.

- That's Armand.

- Oh, thank you so much.
(audience laughing)

Hi, hi, Doris. (laughs)

Oh, my mother gave this to me.

I mean, I don't want you to think

that I'm one of those silly women

who sits around and just needlepoints

with nothing better to
do, you know? (chuckles)

(whimsical music)

(audience laughs)

I find it very fulfilling. Do you like it?

- I like the background.

When are you gonna start on the pattern?

(audience laughs)

- Well, this is the pattern. It's squares.

- Oh (chuckles), it certainly is.

(audience laughs)

- I find it very restful.

- I find it very boring.

- Doris, what does your say?

- Oh!

- Bless this horse?

- That's house!

(audience laughs)

Ooh, I guess I did foul up a few stitches.

- Oh, that's all right, honey.

It's the thought that counts.

- Too bad she didn't give it any.

(audience laughs)

♪ Needle needle needle needle
needle needle needle needle ♪

♪ Crewel, crewel, crewel, crewel ♪

♪ Petit point, petit point,
petit point, petit point ♪

♪ Needle needle needle ♪
♪ Crewel, crewel, crewel ♪

♪ Needle needle needle ♪
♪ Petit point, petit point ♪

♪ The trick is knowing all about sewing ♪

♪ Spinning a yarn is so much fun ♪

- Hmm, your needlepoint is, uh, very-

- [Mitzi] Hmm, unusual.

- Yes, I love it, too. (chuckles)

It's going to cover the seat of a chair.

- Darling, that's just where it belongs.

- (chuckles) Mm-hmm, where
someone can sit on it.

(audience laughs)

- Needle needle needle needle
needle needle needle needle.

- Crewel, crewel, crewel, crewel.

- Petit point, petit point,
petit point, petit point.

♪ Aren't we nimble, using our thimble ♪

♪ Letting our hair down one by one ♪

- Oh, boy, this is the first time

I've been outta the house in a whole week,

what with all of that housework

and washing the car and
stacking the firewood, and-

- What does your husband do,
Doris, bear the children?

- No, he can't bear the children!

(audience laughing)

- Well, you do all the work
around your house, don't you?

- Darling, I only do what's
in the marriage contract.

I do the washing, and
Phil does the ironing.

He cooks, too. He doesn't have
one ounce of male chauvinism.

- Sounds like that's
not all he doesn't have.

(audience laughing)

♪ Needle needle needle needle
needle needle needle needle ♪

♪ Crewel, crewel, crewel, crewel ♪

♪ Petit point, petit point,
petit point, petit point ♪

♪ Never bossing, double-crossing ♪

♪ A woman's work is never done ♪

- Well, my husband won't let me

lift a finger around the house.

You know, I wouldn't know what to do

with a broom if you gave it to me?

(audience laughing)

Needle needle needle needle
needle needle needle needle.

♪ Crewel, crewel, crewel, crewel ♪

♪ Petit point, petit point,
petit point, petit point ♪

♪ Once we thread it, how we dread it ♪

♪ Getting in each other's hair ♪

- Lovely, lovely, lovely!

You all belong in a museum!

You're such masterpieces.

- Oh, Arnold.

- [All] Same time next week, girls.

♪ I won't forget this wash and set ♪

♪ What a crafty thing to do ♪

♪ Just needling, needling,
needling, needling, needling ♪

♪ With you ♪

- C'mon, let's go. I am so hungry.

- Well take your car.
- C'mon, Doris!

- C'mon, let's go.
- Let's go in arm!

(audience applauding)

- I love being a housewife.

Oh, not because I like the washing

or the cooking or the cleaning,
but because I love the guy

who made me a housewife, my husband.

Now, usually he's a strong, mature man.

But then at other times, he's only four.

Like last Christmas,
you know what he wanted?

A set of trains.

(audience laughs)

You know what I got him?

I set of trains, 'cause let's face it,

there isn't a man alive who
doesn't act like a little boy

every now and then, and
there isn't a woman alive

who doesn't love him for it.

Because when we act like little girls,

aren't they there to
love and protect us, too?

Besides, when he's a little boy,

he's so easy to please, because for him.

♪ Happiness is two kinds of ice cream ♪

♪ Finding your skate
key, telling the time ♪

♪ Happiness is learning to whistle ♪

♪ Tying your shoe for
the very first time ♪

♪ Happiness is playing the drum ♪

♪ In your own school band ♪

♪ And happiness is walking hand in hand ♪

(mellow orchestral music)

♪ Happiness is five different crayons ♪

♪ Knowing a secret, climbing a tree ♪

♪ Happiness is finding a nickel ♪

♪ Catching a firefly, setting him free ♪

♪ Happiness is being
alone every now and then ♪

♪ And happiness is coming home again ♪

♪ Happiness is morning and evening ♪

♪ Daytime and nighttime, too ♪

♪ And happiness is anyone ♪

♪ And anything at all ♪

♪ That's loved by you ♪

- Oh, I love ya, Tommy.

(calm music)

(audience applauding)

(knuckles rapping)

- (laughing) Hi, honey! I'm home!

- Oh, what are you doing home, honey?

It's only noon, for heaven's sakes.

- Well, I thought you
deserved a treat, princess.

So how about lunch?

- Oh, darling, I love it, but
I can't go out to lunch today.

I'm so busy.

- Oh no, I, I meant
you would fix me lunch.

You see, Thursday, I
have a long lunch hour.

(audience laughing)

Nothing fancy, nothing fancy.

- All right, just let me
finish the ironing, will you?

- (laughs) Oh, of course.

(doorbell ringing)

Oh, I'll tell you what, you
finish up your little job here,

and I'll get the door.

(audience laughs)

- Good afternoon, sir.

- Good afternoon.

- I'm taking a survey on how
Americans earn their living.

- Yes.
- Uh, may I ask

your occupation?

- I'm a lawyer.

- Ah.
Attorney at law,

or as our English cousins would
say, a barrister. (laughs)

- Yes (chuckles). Uh, does your wife work?

- Oh, no, she's just a housewife.

(jarring music)

- Yes, I see, well,
thank you very much, sir.

- You're entirely welcome, I'm sure.

Oh, still ironing, huh? How's it coming?

- I wouldn't know, I'm just a housewife

who doesn't work for a
living, you barrister.

- What?

- Do you have any idea
what I do around this house

and what it would cost you

if you had to pay me for
every single job I do?

- Hey, I'm no dummy.
- You never think about

things like that.
- Listen, I know maids

don't come cheap!

(audience laughs)
- Maid!

Is that what you think of me?

- Well, now-
- I'm just a maid to you?

- Oh, you're not just any maid.

- How can you-
- No, no,

you're a super maid.

- Oh, a super maid. Thank you so much.

Let me tell you what I've done

this morning already, now, huh?

All right, laundress,
$25, seamstress, $15,

dishwasher, $10, and
sewing machine repair, $30.

That comes to $80. Read it and weep.

- Oh, sure, listen, listen.

I, I've gotta get back to the office,

and I don't wanna go back there.

I mean, you have no idea the
problems I have back there,

all the backstabbing,
the petty jealousies,

guys trying to take my
job away. (whimpering)

(audience laughing)

- Oh, oh, my, my.

- Oh, it's good to have you to talk to.

- Oh, are you feeling better, honey?

- Thanks.

- Psychiatrist, $50.

(audience laughing)

- I think I'm getting a headache.

You got an aspirin?

Oh, no, no, never mind, never mind.

I've also lost my appetite.
You are through, aren't you?

- I haven't even started
get. I'm not through.

I refinished this table last night.

- All right, all right.
- You didn't even know

that I had done it!
- All right!

All right, perhaps I haven't been the most

thoughtful husband in the world.

- You never think about me.

- Or the most helpful.

- You never help me
around the house, I get-

- And sometimes I say
some pretty dumb things.

- Well, you don't seem to ever just-

- But remember, honey,
I'd do anything for you.

(light-hearted music)

- Anything?

- Anything!

♪ I'd do anything ♪

♪ For you, dear, anything ♪

♪ For you mean ♪
- Oh, you.

♪ Everything to me ♪

♪ I know that I'd go anywhere ♪

Anywhere.
♪ For your smile, anywhere ♪

♪ For your smile, everywhere I'd see ♪

♪ Buy a mink for me ♪

- Anything.

♪ Pay a salary ♪

♪ Anything ♪

♪ Would you never shout ♪

I don't shout!

♪ Take the garbage out ♪

Now?

- Now.

- Oh.
(audience laughs)

(audience applauding)

(light-hearted music)

(audience applauding)

(light-hearted music continues)

(audience applauding)

- Aw, honey, that'll be
5.50 for entertainment.

(audience laughs)

Never mind, never mind, this one's on me.

♪ I'd do ♪

♪ Anything for you ♪

(dramatic music)

(audience applauding)

- [Announcer] Ladies and gentlemen,

welcome to the first annual
Housewife of the Year Awards,

a tribute to the American housewife.

(audience applauding)
(dramatic music)

♪ Here's to your life ♪

♪ Mrs. American Housewife ♪

♪ This is your night ♪

♪ Your night to shine ♪

♪ As well as mine ♪

(audience laughs)

♪ She's like no other ♪

♪ Wife, cook, and lover ♪

♪ Plus, she's a mother ♪

♪ Who could've fashioned her ♪

♪ They should've rationed her ♪

♪ Here she comes now,
Mrs. American Housewife ♪

♪ Beat the drums now, come take a bow ♪

♪ I'll show ya how ♪

♪ A, she's exceptional ♪

♪ B, I bet you will ♪

♪ C, what I'm shoutin' about ♪

♪ Mrs. American Housewife ♪

♪ This is your night out ♪

(audience applauding)

- Good evening, good evening,

and thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

We're here tonight to
honor the over 30 million

housewives of America, and our first award

is the Golden Tailgate Award
given for the most pickups

in a nine-passenger station wagon.

(audience laughs)

The glove compartment, please!

(audience laughs)

(drum roll rumbling)

And the winner is, Mrs. Leona Ort!

(audience applauding)

- What? Oh, that's me! Oh, thank you!

- C'mon up here, Mrs. Ort.
Isn't she wonderful? (laughs)

- Thank you.
- Mrs. Leona Ort,

congratulations.

- Oh, thank you.

- Mrs. Ort, tell me, what do you consider

your greatest accomplishment
as a driven woman?

(audience laughs)

- Well, without a doubt,
I think it was today,

because you see, it was my
son's 4-H club pet show,

and I drove 23 screaming children.

- 23.
(audience laughs)

- Yes, 23, seven cats attacking nine dogs.

- (laughs) Oh, my.

- Two snapping turtles.

- (laughing) Oh!

- And an ant farm.

- Oh!
- Which broke.

(audience laughs)
- But how, how do you drive

with so many distractions?

- Oh, concentration. My
mind is never off the road.

- And the noise doesn't
bother you, Mrs. Ort?

Mrs. Ort!

- Don't talk to the driver.

(audience laughs)

- Mrs. Ort!

(audience applauding)

- Next, the Ozzie and Harriet
Good Housekeeper Award

for fastidious cleanliness
indoors and out.

The vacuum cleaner, please.

(audience laughs)

And the winner is-

(drum roll rumbling)

Mrs. Nancy Neat!

(audience applauding)

- Oh! (crying)

(lively music)

- Congratulations, Mrs. Neat!

- Thank you, I accept this award

for clean people everywhere,

including my husband, Norman,

and my wonderful children,
who are at home right now

eating their dinner around
the TV set and not dropping

one single crumb on
that nice, clean carpet.

(audience laughs)

- Isn't she something?
(laughs) Mrs., Mrs. Neat-

- Yes.

- Mrs. Neat, I'm sure that
housewives all over America

look up to you for making
filth a dirty word.

- Well, you know, you
either have it or you don't.

My husband, Norman, says I have

ammonia in my veins. (laughs)

- He must know what he's talking about.

(audience laughs)

- Say, you know, you kind
of remind me of Norman

when I first knew him.

- Really? Uh, you find me attractive?

- No, messy.

- Ah, at any rate, here
you are, Mrs. Neat,

a great big Valentine.

- Oh!

- From America to you.

- Don't put that thing near your mouth!

You don't know where it's
been, for heaven's sake!

(audience laughs)

(audience applauding)
(dramatic music)

- And now, one of our
most important awards,

the Best Supporting
Wife Married to a Loser.

(audience laughs)

The clothes hamper, please.

(drum roll rumbling)

(audience laughs)

And the winner is, Mrs. Mona Wigmore!

- It's me! Oh my!
(audience applauding)

(lively music)

- (laughing) Congratulations,
Mrs. Wigmore.

And you certainly deserve a lot of credit.

It must be tough being married to a loser.

- Oh, my husband's not a loser.

He's just had a few bad breaks.

So he's had 37 jobs in one year.

After all, he was only fired from 25.

(audience laughs)
And sure,

we'd had to move around a little bit, but-

- Eight countries in two years?

- Well, it's been very educational.

Do you know that I can
say, "Release my husband,

he's sober now" in eight
different languages?

(audience laughs)

- (laughing) Oh, come on, Mrs. Wigmore.

Your husband is over walking Edsel.

- Well, he did make one tiny
little stupid investment.

- Oh, really? We'd love to hear about.

- Oh, you promise you
won't laugh? (laughs)

Well, he invested in a diamond
mine in New Jersey. (laughs)

(audience laughs)

- Diamond mine?

- Yeah, he lost everything.

- That wasn't the, the, the
Newark Mining Company, was it?

- Yes, that's the one!

- No diamonds?

- No, none!
(audience laughs)

- Not even one lousy baguette? I'm ruined!

I'm ruined!
- Oh, oh, don't cry.

Why don't you take this?

I think your wife earned it. (laughs)

(audience laughing)

(audience applauding)

- Music!

♪ D, she's deductible ♪

♪ E, indestructible ♪

♪ F, she's funny that way ♪

♪ Mrs. American Housewife ♪

♪ Queen for today ♪

(audience applauding)

(lively music)

(shoes tapping)

- Aha!

- All right!
(audience applauding)

- Terrific, Joyce, terrific.

Now, girls, girls, girls!

If you all talk, you can't hear me!

- Oh!
- Come on now, girls.

You've gotta work on your number, music!

Now, remember, this is Saturday.

We open tonight, tonight,
and I don't want you to think

of this as just a charity PTA show.

This is the big time!

- Yeah!

- Now, your husbands
are gonna be out there.

- Yeah!
- And all of your relatives.

It's gonna be a packed house.

- Oh!
- Oh, yeah.

- [Jerry] When that spotlight hits you,

it's opening night on Broadway,

and you're a star.
(funky music)

(dramatic music)

(audience applauding)

(dramatic music continues)

(groovy music)

(dramatic music)

(groovy music)

(calm music)

(dramatic music)
(audience applauding)

- You know, I always hated parties.

When we were first married
and went to parties,

we'd walk in the door,
and my wife would head

straight for the other women,

and I wouldn't see her again
until it was time to leave.

After we'd been married 10
years, we'd walk in the door,

and my wife would head
straight for some guy

whose wife didn't understand him,

and again, I wouldn't see her
until it was time to leave.

(audience laughs)

Now we've been married 15 years,

and these days, all they
talk about at parties

is who got divorced and who caused it.

And you know something? My
wife never leaves my side.

(audience laughs)
Parties aren't that bad.

Hey, great you could come.

- Hello, darling, how are you?

I thought you were gonna be late!

- Oh, hello, how are you?

Uh, you know my husband, uh-

- Tom!

(audience laughs)
- Oh, I'm sorry, dear.

You know how bad I am with names. (laughs)

- [Jerry] Hey!

- Tom.

- I know! How 'bout those Knicks?

- How 'bout those Lakers?

- How 'bout the market?

- Yeah, how 'bout a loan?

(audience laughs)

- We're here!

- Doris!
- Hi!

Oh, hi.
- You're late, honey.

- Oh, honey, I'm sorry we're so late,

but you know, we had to
get the kids settled,

and they loathe the babysitter.

- Oh!

- It's the last time we use
your mother! Just kidding!

(audience laughs)
(whimsical music)

♪ It's the little things you do together ♪

♪ Do together, do together ♪

♪ That make perfect relationships ♪

♪ The hobbies you pursue together ♪

♪ Savings you accrue together ♪

♪ Looks you misconstrue together ♪

♪ That make marriage a joy ♪

♪ Uh-Huh ♪

- Are you gonna take him to get a drink?

C'mon Doris, I've got
some new things to show.

- Ah-ah-ah! You gave that up, remember?

- I was just trying to be social.

- Mm, you gave that up, too, remember?

- First one I had all day.

- Oh, calories, you gave that up, too.

- Yeah, thanks, Grace, thanks to you,

I gave up eating, smoking, and drinking.

We might as well go home and go to bed.

- Mm, I just gave that up, too.

(audience laughing)

- Listen, Doris, I read the most

marvelous article in a magazine.

Well, it said, if you wanna
keep your husband really happy,

you have to be three different women.

- Oh?
- You have to be

a princess in the parlor.

- Yeah?
- You have to be

a magician in the kitchen.

- Yeah?
- And you have to be

at temptress in the bedroom.

- Oh (laughs), sure!

Oh, but honey, when you've
been married as long as I have,

you have got to start
rearranging that order.

(audience laughs)
(whimsical music)

♪ It's not so hard to be married ♪

♪ When two maneuver as one ♪

♪ It's not so hard to be married ♪

♪ And boy, oh boy, is it fun ♪

(audience laughs)

(group chattering)

- (chuckles) Excuse me,
you don't mind if I steal

my husband away for just
a moment, do you, darling?

- Uh, don't forget where we were.

- I won't let you forget, Phil.

- Well, now what's the matter, pumpkin?

- Miss Centerfold, that's
what's the matter, pumpkin.

- Well, can I help it if
she's really interesting?

Do you know that she's a professor

of comparative literature?

She's probably the brightest
person in the room!

- That's a sign of brains, huh? No bra?

- Well, what do you want her to do?

Wear leather patches on her elbows?

- Not in her elbow, pumpkin.

(audience laughs)

Excuse me.

(group chattering)

Excuse me, dear.

(audience laughs)
Some wine, darling?

(whimsical music)

♪ It's the little ways you try together ♪

♪ Cry together, lie together ♪

♪ That make perfect relationships ♪

♪ Becoming a cliche together ♪

♪ Growing old and gray together ♪

♪ Withering away together ♪

♪ That makes marriage a joy ♪

♪ Uh-huh ♪

- You know, I just can't get over

how marvelous you look, Tom.

- Oh (chuckles), thank you.

I feel better now than
I did when I was 20.

- Really? Oh, and how's your eyesight?

- Well, a wee bit farsighted.
You know how it is?

- (laughs) I certainly do!

You've been eating off my plate.

(audience laughs)

- You know, my husband
and I have been reading

this great new book
called "Open Marriage,"

and it's just changed our lives.

- Huh.
- I mean,

we're not smothering each other anymore.

There's no jealousy.

- Uh-huh.
- You know,

I just read this chapter that said

that I could leave the
party with you right now

and go walking barefoot on the beach, or-

- Yeah?

- Go back to my place for a nightcap.

- Yeah?

- Or go dancing cheek
to cheek in the dark.

- Yeah?
- And it would be okay.

- And your husband goes
along with all this?

- I don't know, he hasn't
read that chapter yet.

(audience laughs)
(whimsical music)

♪ It's not talk of God
and the decade ahead ♪

♪ That allows you to
get through the worst ♪

♪ It's I do ♪

♪ And you don't ♪

♪ And nobody said that ♪

♪ And who brought the subject up first ♪

♪ It's the little things ♪

♪ The little things, the little
things, the little things ♪

(group chattering)

- Hi, Lois.

- Oh, Syd, hi!

- Mind if I join you?

- No, c'mon, c'mon, c'mon, sit down.

How are those darling daughters of yours?

- Oh, they're just fine.
Hey, Phil looks great!

He took a little off, yeah?

- Yeah, we were, we were
on vacation in Honolulu,

and he really watched himself something.

- Lois, I, uh, I've been wanting to be

alone with you all evening.

- (laughing) Oh, Syd. You
shouldn't say such things!

- No, I mean it, I, I haven't been able

to take my eyes off you since
I first walked in that door!

- (laughs) Oh, Syd! You're just terrible.

- I can't help it, Lois.

I have this urge to, to touch you!

- Now, now, now, now, wait a minute, Syd.

Remember, I'm a very
happily married woman.

And besides (chuckles),
Phil's in the other room.

(audience laughs)

- What's that got to do with anything?

- Wait a minute, Syd!

Syd, don't make a scene!
- Lois, I've got to,

Lois, I've got to, I-
- Syd, really, oh, Syd!

- I knew it! A Bambi Barnes original!

I could make this in polyester
and cotton for 12.75!

Can I check your buttons?

- Why not?

(whimsical music)
(audience laughs)

♪ It's not so hard to be married ♪

♪ It's much the simplest of crimes ♪

♪ It's so hard to be married ♪

♪ I've done it three or four times ♪

♪ It's the people that you hate together ♪

♪ Bait together, date together ♪

♪ That make marriage a joy ♪

♪ Things like using force together ♪

♪ Shouting till you're hoarse together ♪

♪ Getting a divorce together ♪

♪ That make perfect relationships ♪

♪ Uh-Huh ♪

♪ Kiss kiss ♪

♪ Uh-Huh ♪

(audience applauding)

Most husbands really do appreciate

all the things their wives do for them,

and if they could put
their feelings into words

and add some nice, romantic music,

this is what they'd want to say.

(romantic music)

♪ Why am I smiling ♪

♪ And why do I sing ♪

♪ Why does December seem sunny as spring ♪

♪ Why do I get up each morning to start ♪

♪ Happy and head up ♪

♪ With joy in my heart ♪

(mellow music)

♪ You are the sunshine of my life ♪

♪ And that's why I'll always be around ♪

♪ You are the apple of my eye ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ Forever you'll stay in my heart ♪

♪ I feel like this is
the beginning, yeah ♪

♪ Though I've loved you
for a million years ♪

♪ And if our love affair was ending ♪

♪ I'd find myself
drowning in my own tears ♪

♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa, yeah ♪

♪ You are the sunshine of my life ♪

♪ And that's why I'm smiling ♪

♪ And that's why I sing ♪

♪ And that's why December seems ♪

♪ Sunny as spring ♪

♪ You are the sunshine of my live ♪

♪ Forever you'll stay ♪

♪ In my ♪

♪ Heart ♪

♪ Stay in my heart ♪

(audience applauding)
(audience cheering)

Thank you, we really enjoyed
being with you tonight,

and I'd like to thank my wonderful guests

and all my dear friends at Kraft.

We've had a lotta fun paying tribute

to the American housewife,

and we meant every single word of it.

Well, we did kid around a little bit,

but housewives do have a sense of humor.

We have to, to survive.

(audience laughing)

Good night.

(audience applauding)

(upbeat music)

(lively music)

(audience applauding)

(lively music continues)