Miss Congeniality (2000) - full transcript

They're fighting again!

Oh, boy.

Don't! Wait!
Not my homework!

No! Stop it! No!

Problem, gentlemen?

Hey, dork-brain!

If you weren't a girl,
I'd beat your face off.

Yeah? If you weren't a girl,
I'd beat your face off.

- You call me a girl?
- You called me one!

Oh, you asked for it.

Now, get outta here!



Forget those guys.

They're just jealous cause
you're smart and funny.

- And... girls like that.
- What girls?

Lots o' girls.

I mean...
I like you.

Well, I don't like you.

Now everybody thinks
I need a girl to fight for me.

You are a dork-brain.

My nose!

Wimp!

Moe and Larry in the house.

Grant, what have
we got out back?

All clear here, sir.

Matthews, what do you got?



Returnable cans, sir.

Think I'm up to 75 cents.

Hey, hey, hey, we got a cab.

Here comes Curly.

Yep, the Three Stooges.

- Check it out. Ivan's packin'.
- Uh-huh.

Yeah. Thank you!
We've got a briefcase.

Hart, waiting for
visual confirmation.

No disc yet.

Case is opening...

Ah, Jesus!
Woman's ass is in the way.

Hart, we can't see
a goddamn thing.

We need to see the discs.

This broad's got two asses!
Hart, do something!

- Excuse me.
- Da...

- You vanting something else?
- Yeah. Uh... You know what?

I... You know,
I really love this borscht.

Or, as they say in Russian:

All right, Hart.
We got the discs.

We're movin' in!

FBI! Get down on the ground!
Now! Get down!

- Get down on the ground!
- Do it!

Keep your hands
where I can see 'em!

No English.

Hart! Nobody moves until I see
some goddamn "Lazhitsa na pol"!

- Sir, he's turning purple!
- Hart... until we secure, you stay.

- Sir.
- Hart!

Sir, that is one really,
really,purple Russian, sir!

He is still armed!
Nobody moves!

Hands up!
Back off! Back off!

- No, sir. He's not gonna die like this.
- Hart!

He's not good enough for that.

His victims didn't get a chance
to choke on a peanut, did they, sir?

That's right.

Now you're goin' down.

Drop the guns... or I'll kill 'er.

Ivan, out the back.

You're not killing anyone,
you peanut-eating bastards.

Step back!

Get back!
Move it! Move it!

Party's over, boys.

How's your head,
my little piroshki?

This is gonna put you away
for a long time. You know that?

Let's get that
ambulance in here!

Shut up!

- Stay with me, all right?
- I'm sorry.

Listen. Don't be sorry.
You did a great job!

Nice work.
See you back there, okay?

You got it.

Come on, Hart.
The van's waitin'.

I got Grant shot.
I shouldn't have moved.

Come on, you made a choice.

It was wrong, but that's it.
It's over.

By the way,
you look like hell.

Morning, Mrs. Schwartz.
Schnatzie.

Good morning, Gracie.

Hart.

Yes, sir.

Sir, yes, sir.
ETA, 20 minutes.

No problem.
Uh... Breakdown?

Yes. Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Uh,
negative. Do not need assistance.

Ten-four, sir.
Yes, I know it's hot.

Hey, you cannot park...

Sorry. Sorry. It's an emergency.
Official business.

Ma'am, aside, please.
Aside, please. Thank you.

Official business, sir, ma'am.
Emergency. Please, step aside, sir.

Hey, hey, hey, get lost!
I'm waiting here, uh?

FBI. You might wanna
stay out of this, all right, sir?

Excuse me, sir, ma'am.
Please, back off.

All right. I need
eight double-tall...

Eight double-tall lattes.
One with no foam.

Five ice 20 decaf percent
lattes with a long straw.

Four caramel macchiattos.

Double up on the cup.
I got a long way to go.

I need two blueberry scones
with the little granules on top

and one Starbucks
compilation CD.

- No! I would like...
- Oh, jeez.

So, uh, what's goin' on?
Where's, uh... where's McDonald?

Forget about McDonald. Could we
put out an APB on my Frappuccino?

It's in the bag.

So, uh, have you heard anything
about last night? Did he say anything?

Look, just relax, all right?

Don't annoy 'im.
Don't say anything. Don't argue.

I don't argue. I never argue.
When do I argue?

I might... have a heated
discussion with somebody

when I might get very passionate
about what I say, but...

Is this you not arguin'?
Cause you suck at it.

Morning, everybody.

Morning, sir.

Morning, sir. It's, uh...

Uh, sir.

Okay, everybody.

I know you're all concerned
about Grant's condition.

So I'm happy to report...

Jerry's gonna be fine.

He'll be out of the hospital
in two weeks.

He says he's expecting
lots of gifts.

Okay, okay, everybody.

So much for the good news.
We got another letter from the Citizen.

Arson, explosives, poison...

this guy never works
the same way twice.

The only thing we
know for sure...

is we get these letters full
of incomprehensible riddles

and then he strikes and
suddenly the clues make sense.

This one is down in Intelligence.

Hopefully, we'll get a lead
before somebody gets killed.

In the meantime,

Matthews, get a team together.

Sir. You want me to take point?

For five years you've been talkin'
about runnin' an op.

Last night, you earned it.

Pick your team. I want
preliminaries by 3. That's it.

Sir...?

Sir?

Sir?

All right, so,
who's buyin' me lunch?

Sir. I-I would really like to talk to you
about what happened last night.

I-I realize I didn't
exactly follow orders...

"Exactly" follow orders?
There's no such thing.

You follow orders
or you don't follow orders.

No arguments, sir.
None... none whatsoever.

There'll be a hearing in two weeks.
Until then, you're out of the field.

Sir, yes, sir. I expect that
the hearing is totally warranted,

but wouldn't my time be better
served working on the Citizen case?

I've a very strong background
in profiling and decoding.

- Forget it.
- I really think I could contribute.

Like you contributed last night?

By putting yourself and five
other agents in jeopardy?

I'm gonna save the rest
for the review board.

And you are gonna bury yourself
under a mountain of paperwork.

- Sir...
- Discussion is over.

Hey, Mike! Gimme a pint.

- Rough day, huh?
- The worst.

- Sure you want a whole one?
- Oh, yeah. Hit me bigtime, baby.

Hey, Einstein.

Listen. If you figure out that
Citizen letter, let me know, mm?

Hey... Congratulations on
the op. It's a... big shot.

Yeah. Thanks.

So, how you doin', huh?
You okay?

Yeah. I'm good.

Thank you.

- Hm, you're startin' early today, no?
- Yeah, I'm gonna get chip-faced.

Wanna join me?

Love to, but I got a
pressing social engagement.

- Hey, Beth!
- Mm, brownie meeting.

- Hey, Mike, gimme a beer and, uh...
- Oh, uh...

Milk. Give her milk.

White wine spritzer.

So... Are most of the
people in here agents?

Yeah. As a matter of fact, here's
an agent right here. Gracie Hart.

Beth Carter.

Wow!

- Right back to you.
- Beth is an undergrad at Vassar.

She's doing a paper
on law enforcement...

I'm gonna help her
get an inside look.

And I bet she'll do
the same for you.

You know, Gracie, I would love
to get a woman's point of view.

Oh, no, no, no, Beth.
You're barking up the wrong tree.

Right, Hart?

Do all the women in the Bureau

have to wear those really
masculine shoes?

Oh... No.
I get these made special

by the same guy that
put the tattoo on my ass.

Listen, we're gonna leave you alone
with Ben and Jerry. Catch you later, Hart.

- Yeah, it was nice meeting you.
- You too.

You too.

Hope you have a good
time at the mall.

I'm tellin' you guys,
Wohop is the place.

Yeah, Wohop is good,

but if you like a little variety,
you go to La Chinita Linda, amica.

- Exactly. Their rice and beans are slammin'.
- I don't want variety.

I get pork fried rice every...

I got it!
I figured it out!

I tried to create a content-based pattern
that was similar to his previous letters,

but this time,
he was using a signifier.

In this case, the-the south
fifth of the word "miss"

in the... in the
subsequent letters...

Look, will you let me finish?

- It's the Miss United States Pageant.
- Yeah. Intelligence thought so too.

What?

All right. So, what do we got?

Miss United States Pageant
from San Antonio, Texas,

home of the Alamo.

I forgot the Alamo.

Yeah, the pageant
lasts three days.

You got preliminaries,
press conferences, the telecast...

With those out live,
it's a logistical nightmare.

Not just a babe fest.

- Oh, yeah.
- Jesus, we only got 48 hours.

Okay, okay, gentlemen.

Where do we start?

I got a cousin in Texas.

Well, you might wanna... call the, uh, network
and the pageant people. Set up a meeting.

Cause you'll probably need
their cooperation at some point.

Yeah. Yeah, I can do that.
Let's do that.

What about jurisdiction?

The Citizen has been our
territory from the start.

That's should be no problem.

But, what you might wannna do
is call up the San Antonio office,

grease some wheels so they don't feel
we're takin' over their turf, you know,

when we need manpower
and tech support.

Yeah, while I'm at it,
let's do that.

Good idea.

And the Citizen nut
loves to make a splash.

So, his target will
probably be public,

like one of these outdoor prelims,
maybe even a TV broadcast.

Telecasters at the
convention center.

That means we're gonna need all kinds
of surveillance on the interior perimeter.

No, we're gonna need
a lot more than that,

because it's about a million places
only these bikini-stuffers can go,

like... backstage areas,
hotel rooms, things like that.

I think we need to get
somebody in there.

Yeah, yeah, yeah!
Now I'm thinkin'...

- undercover.
- Good idea, boss.

And I got just the girl.

- Huh? Huh?
- All right.

That's nothing.
Check this out.

Compliments of my daughter.
The "Dress Up Sally" web site.

Yeah! See, what did
I tell you? Hot, right?

- Yeah, baby.
- Very nice.

- Uh... You got a little problem.
- What? She's perfect!

Look to the left.

Down... down... down...

- There you go.
- "On maternity leave"?

- That's not gonna work.
- Not unless it's "The Miss Lamaze Pageant".

Let me ask you something.
Can you do a search?

Female field agents under 35...

Oh, Jensen, Jensen!

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!
I got it, I got it! I got it!

- Oh, no!
- That's right, that's right.

Uh, you think that's good?
Check this out.

There's a new broad here.

I got the winner right here.

Scorekeepers ready?

This is the best
part, right here.

Here we go.

- He's right behind me, isn't 'e?
- Not really my color, is it?

Sir, we were just, uh...

we were just lookin' for someone
to go undercover at the pageant.

And I'm the best we have.
It doesn't inspire much confidence.

Get back to work. And, Hart,
shouldn't you be at a desk?

Yes, sir.

What's the matter
with you, people?

He's standin' right behind me,
you don't say anything?

Made me look like an idiot.

Do I have eyes in the back of my
head where I can see this thing?

He was standing right behind me.

- What about this one?
- What were we gonna say?

- What?
- This one.

What, are you kiddin'?
It's Hart.

Oh, come on, cut it off.
Let's go back to work.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

- Hey...
- Okay, very funny.

No. Hold on a second.
Hart, that's not bad.

Hold on, nothing.

You know, you might wanna hit the save button,
cause you're never gonna see that again. All right?

- Oh, come on.
- Take it off.

- What do you say, Hart?
- No freaking way.

Come on, Harty. Why not?

Cause I'm not gonna
parade around in a swimsuit

like some air-head
bimbo that...

goes by the name of, what,
Gracie Lou Freebush

and all she wants is... world peace?

It wouldn't be like that.

Come on, you'd be an important
member on the undercover team.

- Yeah, right. In a thong.
- Hey!

In a tasteful one-piece!

Come on, look, you do
a few butt-shaping exercises,

you tighten this stuff...
you could pull this off.

You know what? Pull this off.

What is it?
Because McDonald hates me?

- He doesn't hate you.
- Or is it, like, a woman thing?

Don't kid yourself. Nobody
thinks o' you that way.

He's punishin' me, ain't he?

Listen, I had to beg him
to let you do this.

- What?!
- Yeah, that's right.

Like it or not,
you screwed up, pal.

Sit down, sit down, sit down.

This may come as a shock to you, but
I've never been in a beauty pageant before.

I don't even own a dress.
I don't even own a brush.

Ow, Jesus. Oh.

Which part of that
is supposed to shock me?

Let's suspend reality for, like, a
second and pretend, like, I said yes.

I gotta do, like, everything?

Like the whole... the whole big
hair and the... makeup and, uh...

Damn right.

The spinning, the twirling,
the smiling...

the cute little tap number...

All right. A hundred bucks
on Matthews.

I don't know, man.
She's got a lot o' rage.

I'll take that bet.

That's right, baby.
That's right.

Yeah, baby.

So you're sayin'...
I have to wear the bathing suit.

Yeah, you have to wear
the bathing suit.

Okay.

You go, girl.

- Where am I gonna put my gun?
- No place I wanna know about.

Ugh... What could possibly motivate anybody
to enter a beauty pageant is beyond me.

Scholarship money,
a chance to see the world,

broaden your horizons,
meet new people....

So join the Marines.

It's like feminism never even
happened, you know?

I think any woman to do this

is catering to some misogynistic
Neanderthal mentality.

I dated the Young Miss
Scarsdale last month.

Oh, God. Can you really
be this superficial?

Hard to believe, right?

All right, here we are.

Therefore, we'd like to use
one of our team undercover.

I'm not sure I'm hearing
this correctly.

Kathy, th-th-these people
wanna put one of their agents...

in the pageant.

- They want her to win?
- Oh, no, ma'am. Uh...

But we will need your help
with the judging,

to make sure that one of our
agents gets in the top five...

That way, they have access to
all the areas on the stage at all times...

Absolutely not.

Miss Morningside, we understand how
important this, uh, beauty pageant is to you and...

Excuse me.

This is not a beauty pageant.
This is a scholarship program.

And it has been ever
since my reign.

And I fully intend on
maintaining that credo.

Absolutely, Miss Morningside. We're here to protect
the girls or... women... the... scholarship ladies.

There's nothing more important
to me than the safety of my girls.

I'd rather cancel the pageant
than have one of them blown up.

Especially without
their knowledge.

But we went to the network
to have them cancel the pageant,

but they refused.
We can't force 'em.

I'm confused. What state
is she going to be from?

All the winners have
already been chosen.

Don't worry about
that, Mr. Fields.

We recently discovered some information
about the winner from New Jersey.

And her performance in a
little film called "Arma-Get-It-On".

- Was that her?
- Oh, yeah.

So she was probably gonna drop out
pretty soon, if you know what I'm sayin'.

Well... Do you...
have an agent in mind?

Sorry.

Let me get you...
Victor Melling's number.

Frank. He's our
pageant consultant.

Frank.

Maybe... he can do
something to help.

- Frank!
- Oh! Uh, just one minute.

This is my assistant,
Frank Tobin.

Hi, everyone.

Would you... would you get these people
Victor Melling's number, please?

And get me a spring water.
And, for God's sake, tuck in your shirt.

That wa... that was, uh...
a water for you...

and, uh...

Victor Melling's number.

Thank you.

Mr. Melling...

How are you?

If you are Grace Hart,
I quit here and now.

Yeah, it's, uh...
I'm having a bad hair day.

Bad hair decade, really.

Mr. Melling, I'm Eric Matthews.
We spoke on the phone.

Your hair is... perfect.
However, I can't accept this job.

There's no way on earth that I can
make this woman ready in two days.

Please, Mr. Melling, give
it a chance, uh? Sit down.

Have lunch.
Totally on the Bureau.

Yes, I... I suppose that would
be the civilized thing to do.

Actually, I'm gonna
take a rain check.

I got a lot o'... FBI stuff

- ... I gotta take care of.
- What're you gotta do?

- That thing that I told you...
- What thing?

- That thing I told you about that I gotta do.
- You didn't say anything.

But, listen, I'll see you later.
We'll hang out.

You like caps?

- What's the matter?
- Excuse me.

I'll get you an official
FBI cap, all right?

See you later. Be good.

- Well, what a pity.
- Oh, yeah.

- Are you hungry?
- Yeah.

- "Yes".
- Yeah.

- "Yes".
- Yeah.

It is always "yes",
never "yeah". Sit down.

Miss United States is always
well-spoken and polite.

- Do you understand?
- Hey, hey, hey, hey. Watch the hands, garcon.

- Excuse me, madam.
- It's all right, Philip.

I have a feeling that we're going
to need a drop cloth later.

Philip, could I have another
cabernet sauvignon, please?

- Another keg for you?
- I'm good, thanks.

That's okay, Philip.

So, how long have you been doing
this pageant-training thing?

I'm sorry? What-what
was the question?

I was distracted by the
half-masticated cow

rolling around in
your wide-open trap.

Excuse me?
What is your problem?

- Problem?
- Yeah. I mean, yes. I mean...

Have I offended you in some
way? Because, quite frankly,

you've been completely antagonistic to me
since the second I walked in that door.

Did you know that I was once the most sought-after,
highly paid consultant in pageant history?

I had no idea.

Every season, girls would
plead with me to train them.

Ten out of eleven years...

my girls were crowned.

The year we lost...

the winner was a deaf-mute.

You can't beat that.

Then...

in '96...

my girl froze like a puddle halfway
through her aria from "La Boheme".

Afterwards, she told a reporter
from "Pageant Magazine"

that I was a crazed perfectionist

who had harangued her
to within an inch of her sanity.

Of course,
after that article, uh, came out...

nobody wanted me.

Okay. With all... due respect here, why
did Miss Morningside suggest you then?

Because I am the best.

Or perhaps it's because everyone
else worth having had a contestant.

They had their Southern belles,
their Midwestern farmers' daughters.

Spunky Western cowgirls...

And I have...

Dirty Harriet.

- Will you desist?
- Yeah.

- "Yes".
- Yes.

Oh, my God.

I haven't seen a walk like
that since "Jurassic Park".

Yeah? Well, you know what? It's been working
really well for me for the past 30 years, all right?

- Well, glide. Now, glide.
- What?

Gl... Don't-don't look down,
don't look down.

Look, don't look
down, look up.

Your-your chin should always
be parallel to the floor.

Now, glide. Glide.

- It's not the bloody Ice Capades. Glide.
- Gliding.

No, no. D-don't pick your feet
up. Don't pick your feet up.

- Why are you picking your feet up?
- Because I'm preparing to run away.

- No. Wait, wait. Wait. Wait.
- What?

Watch me. Watch me.
Glide. Glide.

See? Glide.

It's all in the buttocks.
Don't I look pretty?

It takes a very secure
man to walk like that.

Roll your hips, roll your hips.
Head up, head up!

Keep gliding...

- I'm gliding here!
- Hey, what are you, blind?

Asshole.

Look how she walks.
She's floating.

Lightly ascending from
cloud to cloud...

towards heaven.

And once she gets there and
he takes one look at that fake rack,

he's gonna send her right back.

Look, she's gonna cry again.
"If I only had a brain!"

I am somewhat
less than amused.

So, how is she doin'?

With some intensive work...

she'll be ready for
the world's finest trailer park.

Thank you!

Both painful...

and grotesque. Isn't it?

Oh, my God!

Okay, Mr. Vic, we got
everything you asked for.

- Where do we start?
- Teeth, hair, manicure, pedicure.

Which one first?

Hey, guys, what teeth are
you gonna do to my teeth?

Hopefully, remove the beer
stains and steak residue.

- Can't I get some Novocain?
-It's only a cleaning.

I'm talkin' about Sweeney Todd
back here. What are you doing?

Your hair should
make a statement.

As long as it doesn't say "Thank you very
much for the Country Music Award". Ow!

Here, you'll be lucky
if I can get it untangled.

- No mercy.
- Can I borrow that drill?

Attention. Attention.

All hair removal units, wax,

electrolysis, laser,
to commence at 23:00 hours.

- Bikini wax.
- Ohh...

Hey, how you doin'?

Did you ever seen one this big?
Sandwich, I mean.

Yeah, that's a lot o'f meat.

- Yessss....
- Hey! Hey!

Thank you!

Nobody said this job was easy.

This earpiece lets you hear anybody
on our frequencies. They can hear you.

Don't need that.
With all this foil in my head,

I'm gettin' HBO.

This is a pin camera. There's
an actual little lens in there.

It provides a digital video
feed to our hookups.

All right. Here's your new IDs.
Your pageant identity.

- Gracie Lou Freebush?
- Yeah, I remembered you liked that name.

Yeah, well, my IQ just
dropped 10 points.

More... fluffy.

Eyebrows.
There should be two.

Another two coats
and a sealant.

Unbelievable.

Where the hell is she? What
could possibly be taking this long?

Hart, is that you?

I'm in a dress,
I have gel in my hair,

I haven't slept all night,
I'm starved,

and I'm armed.
Don't... mess with me. Ooh!

Ooh!

Whoa! I'm fine.
I'm cool. I'm good.

Oh, yeah, that's her.

- Mr. Vic, nice work!
- Thank you.

My God, I'm good.

Okay, Gracie Lou, listen up.

"Operation Thong"
has commenced.

Why don't you
stun-gun yourself?

I knew she'd like that one.

Victor?

Try not to speak.

Victor!

Why, Miss Morningside, if it's possible,
you look more radiant than ever.

Well, then I guess it's possible.

- Hello.
- Hi.

Miss Hart?!
I mean... Miss Freebush.

Well, Victor, I see you haven't
completely lost your touch.

You look absolutely perfect.

And you're just in time
for the orientation breakfast.

Oh, oh, Victor. You'll take
the bags to the room?

I-I realize it's been a while
since you've been with us,

but... you remember how
everything goes, don't you?

One little mistake and
I'm a bloody bellhop.

Ohio. Oh-hi-yo!

Washington? Nice apples.

Original. You come up
with that all by yourself?

No.

- Miss Freebush!
- I got it. I got it.

New Jersey? Welcome.

- Who's she?
- You seen her before?

Oh, hey, New Jersey?
This one's empty.

Oh, thank you.

- Thanks.
- I'm Cheryl Frasier from Rhode Island.

Hi, I'm...

- Gracie Lou Freebush
- Gracie Lou Freebush.

- Yeah.
- I memorized the orientation pamphlet.

I know all 49 ladies
by name and picture.

Well, fifty, including myself.

But your picture wasn't there,

so I knew it was you
from your lack of picture.

Here we go.

- How about a little song for the drive?
- All right.

I think you know
the one I mean.

From sea to shining sea

Like Lady Liberty

She reigns over all she sees

She's beauty and she's grace

She's Miss United States...

- Entering Barbietown.
- All right, people, we're up and runnin'.

- Ooh, I love my job!
- It's not a bad view, uh?

Nah, not at all.

Oh, look, there's our table!

I got here three days
early so I could...

- Look at all the hoochie mama!
- Hey, Hart! Hart, not the pastry.

Ladies... Ladies, I would like you to meet
Gracie Lou Freebush from New Jersey.

- This is Karen Krantz, New York.
- What's up, Jersey?

- Mary Jo Wright, Texas.
- Hi there.

- Belinda Brown, Tennessee.
- Hi.

- I like that!
- Ooh, yeah!

- Leslie Davis, California.
- Hey, girl.

- And Alana Krewson, Hawaii.
- Aloha.

Aloha to you too!

I just want you all to know...

I believe what it says on
that sign at the Alamodome.

We are all winners.

Hey, Hart!

You think she's hungry?

The most important thing is that we're
gettin' our issues out there for people to hear.

Oh, I know. And it's an honor
to have made it this far.

I mean, especially when you
come from such a small state...

Oh, that's so true!
Us Rhode Islanders...

Um... I wasn't finished. I...
Did it sound like I was finished?

I'm sorry. I...

My dears, what are you
apologizing to her for?

She's obviously been drinkin'
too much Coppertone.

Are you talking to me?

Well, I'm talkin' to you,
I'm lookin' at you.

Mm, mm! Question:

In Hawaii, don't you use, um, "Aloha"
for, like, hello and goodbye?

So?

So, if you're on the phone with
somebody they won't stop talking,

how do you get them off because
you say "Okay, take care, aloha",

don't they, like,
start all over again?

At least she thinks I'm funny.

Hart!
Hart, do you copy?

- What's up?
- I don't know. It's not workin'.

- What do you mean, it's not working?
- It worked five minutes ago.

Yeah, it was working,
we put it together.

Check one...
Check one...

Thank you so much.
Thank you.

For the past 21 years,

it has been my honor to serve
as director of this pageant.

And I know that this year will be
our most exciting event ever!

Couple o' geniuses
I'm working with. Let's go.

After the rehearsal
and a photo shoot,

you'll be able to settle
into your rooms.

And then tomorrow, we
will begin the preliminaries,

hosted by our master o' ceremonies,
an American institution... Stan Fields.

Thank you! Oh, thank you,
Kathy! Oh, thanks!

Let's go!
Get it back online!

- We're workin' on it.
- We're tryin', boss.

Thank you. Thank you, Kathy.
Isn't she... ravishing?!

How does she do it?

All I know is Iwake up every morning,
I look in the mirror and I say

"Who is that old man
wearin' my pyjamas?"

And... even though I'll be retiring...
this year...

Well, don't cry for me... Alabama.

- That's so sad. He's retiring.
- Oh, he's not retiring.

I spoke to 'im this mornin', the
poor man blurted out the whole thing.

They're firin' him...

goin' for someone
newer and younger.

I hope it's Ricky Martin.

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Ow! Jesus Christ! Ah!

I, uh... Sorry, I, uh...

I-I had a bite of my bagel
and I forgot to pray.

Dear Jesus,
please forgive me

for... not praying before I had
a bite of my bagel and schmeer.

Thank you very much.

- Amen.
- Amen.

- Hi!
- Hi.

I hope I'm not disturbing you.

Oh, no, I was just, you know...

I was grooming.

- I made some of my famous hot chocolate.
- Oh...

Oh, um... Well, my, uh,
roommate's asleep...

or she's... starting to mold.

But, uh...
do you wanna come in?

You know, I-I, uh, I asked
some o' the other girls,

but as soon as they heard the word "chocolate",
they slammed their doors in my face.

- They didn't even gimme a chance to say "non-fat".
- Oh, oh!

Well... here's to...

- ... world peace.
- World peace.

- Hot.
- Oh, I'm sorry.

You know, I-I have to tell you,

I-I thought it was really great how you
settled that argument today at orientation.

"Aloha, aloha."

- That's why you're gonna win.
- Mm?

You're so clever. You-you
should tell jokes for your talent.

What is your talent?

Um, it's, uh...
It's kind of, like, uh...

It's, you know, like a...
like a surprise.

- Ah...
- Yeah. Yeah.

Ah, but don't worry, it's-it's
nothing embarrassing, you know.

Not anything like, you know,
baton twirling or anything.

So, uh, wha-what's your talent?

Oh, Cheryl, I'm sorry.

- Twirling... it can be a... a real art.
- Yeah.

I-I saw this girl once, a cheerleader
doing it at a football game...

And she lit her batons on fire
and did this sexy dance...

I wish I could do
something like that.

But why can't you?

Oh, my parents don't like
anything ostentatious.

And they really don't like fire.

Look, I mean, Cheryl, I... I think you have
as good a chance as anybody to win.

I mean, you obviously believe enough
in yourself to have gotten this far, right?

- Really?
- Yeah.

Well... You're so nice and...
so smart and so sensitive.

You're definitely gonna win.

That's it. Excuse me.

I am in the middle of a
REM cycle over here.

Sorry, sorry.

Yes.

Not... happening.

What?

You took your earpiece out.
Vic needs you.

Now? Eric, I haven't
slept in two days!

I'll give you a cookie.

It better be a big one.

You don't walk, you... float. Gently
descending, you don't look down...

go back up and do it again.
Never, ever look down, okay?

Thighs touching...

- Touching, not clenching.
- I'm touching.

There's a gap between
your knees and your calves,

your calves and your ankles.

You know, right now there's a huge gap
between my brain and my spinal cord, all right?

Here. Take these.

- What, no armored car?
- That would be in my other dress.

By the way, what are you planning
to do for your talent? Sing? Dance?

- Chew with your mouth closed?
- I'll do whatever you want me to, Yoda.

Oh, Lord.

Agent Matthews!
This woman has no talent!

Vic, you don't gotta shout
it out right in front of 'er.

I was not told to provide a talent and
I'm certainly not equipped to do so

- ...in the next five hours!
- Wait a minute.

What the... what the hell
are you talking about?

I am saying that tomorrow she'll
be on stage with nothing to do

but convert oxygen
into carbon dioxide!

Hey! You also said you couldn't
make her beautiful in two days

and look at 'er now.
Look how gorgeous she is.

I mean, compared to the
car wreck she was before.

My duties are clearly stated in a
contract and I have fulfilled them all.

Listen to me. You talent her up
by tomorrow morning or...

Are you threatening me?

- Listen to me, you old fruitcake!
- How dare you, you... cupcake?

Hey, hey, hey, hey. Time-out,
time-out, time-out, guys.

There's somethin' I know
how to do, all right?

I haven't done it since high school
but it's kinda like... ride a bike.

You are not having sex
on this stage.

I... I didn't know that
was an option, all right?

Look, this thing... I just
gotta call room service, right?

Miss Hart.

Please.

Thank you.
And the other one.

Thank you.

All right, all right,
all right, all right.

Happy, you doughnut Nazi?

Did I tell you that Stan
Fields was gettin' fired?

I'm on it.

Look, you just concentrate
on being Gracie Lou, all right?

Mm-hm.

And by the way,
you're doin' a great job.

I thought the
evening gown looked...

I mean... I totally bought it.

- I know, you think I'm gorgeous.
- What? I don't think you're gorgeous.

You think I'm gor-geous...

You want to kiss me...

- You want to hug me...
- Look, I think McDonald is more feminine.

- I'd rather kiss him.
- You want to love me...

You want to hug me...
You want to smooch me...

You want to...

Hm. Enjoy the rest o' your night.

- Gracie, you look so tired.
- Yeah.

Oh, she had a busy night.

I saw that gentleman stop
by the room.

- Gentleman?
- Uh-huh.

That's not allowed.
No men in the room.

Oh, but things are different
here on the mainland, Five-O.

Now, hold on, ladies. Let's
just hear her side of the story.

Are you sleepin' with a judge?

Oh... th-that guy?

No, no, I-I-I-I-I was dating him
for a little while because...

he told me he had
an incurable disease.

Yes, yeah.

I-I-I-I didn't realize
it was stupidity.

Oh, I know what that's like.

All right.

Yeah.
He is such a pathetic loser.

It's, like, I'm sorry
he's obsessed with me

but at some point it's, like, "Hello!
Move on! Get over yourself!"

I mean, his ego is like this big.

- But his equipment is like this big!
- Ohh!

Good cover! Yeah.
We worked that out together.

Use that sucker for a needle.

All right, back to work. Get ready
for the Alamo. Let's go. Break it up.

Thank you. Thank you.

And welcome to the Miss United
States Pageant Preliminary

here at the beautiful and
historical Alamo! Yes...

Prepare... for what promises to be

a day of astounding musical,
theatrical and dancing talent.

And after I'm finished,
you can see the ladies.

Oh, yes!

And now... put it together...

for... Miss Mary Jo
Wright from Texas!

What's her talent,
bartending?

I made it very clear you weren't responsible
for making her look credible, Victor.

I wish I could explain...

but there are no words.

Eagle-Eye?

You might wanna check
out cowboy at 1 o'clock.

- My 1 o'clock or your 1 o'clock?
- Right under the white Stetson.

What Stetson?
There's Stetsons everywhere.

He's moving, he's moving...

Oh, he's moving towards the stage.
He's definitely shooting. Anybody?

Hold on a minute,
we're checkin' it out.

Guys.

Hey, guys, he has a gun.
He has a gun.

Who's got the 20 on the shooter?

- I'm takin' 'im out, you guys...
- No, wait till we have a visual.

Gun! Gun! Down, down!
Everybody down!

Better up to them...

don't you think?

In a very bizarre incident today at
the Miss United States Preliminaries,

the contestant from New
Jersey leapt off-stage

and tackled a man in the crowd
who was just trying to light a cigarette.

Gracie Lou Freebush is her name.
She's here with me right now.

Tell me exactly what were you thinking
when you jumped off the stage?

Well, as you know, all the
contestants are actively involved

in trying to end America's
dependence on tobacco.

So, needless to say I think the gentleman
will think twice before he lights up again.

I'm sure we all will.

- Look, he had a gun.
- Of course he had a gun.

This is Texas,
everybody has a gun.

- My florist has a gun.
- I don't have a gun.

- My ancestors were Quakers.
- Stan, please!

Look, we're gonna assume that
any man with a weapon is a suspect.

Not any more.
We got the DNA results.

The envelope from the Citizen...
was licked by a woman.

DNA? There's never
been any DNA before.

Well, he slipped up.
Or I should say "she".

This is preposterous. You
people are completely clueless.

I mean, if I ran my pageant like this,
we'd be holding it in someone's basement!

Miss Morningside. Every operation
is bound to have its screwups.

As far as I can see,
she's still with us.

Oh, God!

Gentlemen, could I have a moment
alone with Miss Hart, please?

Sure.

Just for a tiny minute. We'll just
be a moment. It's... just shop talk.

Hair, gel, mousse.

Look, I-I-I... I know I made
a mistake. I'm sorry.

You know, I've been fighting
all my life against your type.

The ones who think we're
a bunch of worthless airheads.

You know who I mean.

Feminists, intellectuals...
ugly women.

But I refuse to give in
to their cynicism.

That's why I have dedicated my
entire life to this scholarship program.

And no one's going to
ruin that. Not this year.

You get in my way,
I will kill you.

- Do you understand?
- Uhh, yeah.

- Yes!
- Yes.

Frank!

The interview is the single
most important part of the pageant.

It accounts for 30%
of your total score.

And what's the
other 70%, cleavage?

Is this your idea of doin' final preps on
the convention center? Come on, let's go!

No, no, no.

Look at this. Liberace's got 'er
in a nice evening gown.

And McDonald called.

He saw Hart's little anti-smoking
commercial. He's on his way down.

Oh, good, perfect.

Cause I'd hate for 'im
to fire me over the phone.

- I can't believe this!
- It's gonna be ugly.

No shit.

Look, I gotta do somethin'.
I'm gonna go do laps, all right?

Back in fifteen minutes. We'll
go over tomorrow's assignments.

You got it.

Hands folded...

ankles crossed.

Neck up!
And remember. Smile.

Smilers wear a crown,
losers wear a frown.

- I would so love to hurt you right now.
- As long as you... smile.

Now... Why is New Jersey called
the Garden State?

Because it's too hard to fit "Oil and
petrochemical refinery state" on a license plate?

You know, I-I don't appreciate
your selfishness and immaturity

when I'm working
as hard as I am.

You know, what is
the diffence? Big deal.

It is fixed, I'm in the top five.
Congratulations... to me.

But i-i-is that enough?

Have you no pride in... in yourself,
in your... in your presentation?

You know what?
I'm an FBI agent, all right?

I'm not a performing
monkey in heels.

You're also a person and
an incomplete one at that!

In place of friends and relationships,
you have... sarcasm and a gun.

Oh, I have sarcasm?

When every word that comes out
of your mouth is dripping with disdain?

Ah, that is because I am
a miserable, grumpy elitist,

and that works for me.

You know what? I don't have
relationships because I don't want them.

And-and-and I don't have friends
because I work 24-7.

And you have no idea
why I am the way that I am.

Look, as we're practising interviews
here, why are you the way you are?

None o' your damn business.
That's why.

None o' your damn business.

All the judges probably
have never heard that before.

We have more to do here.

No, we are finished.

Finished.

Come in, gimme a 20 on
Matthews. Right now.

Be advised he's at the pool.

"How do you feel about
gun control?" Favorable.

Thought I'd let you know I was
quittin', all right? Take care.

Hold on a second.
Wait a minute.

What do you mean, you quit?

I mean, you got the
wrong girl. All right?

Hart, I do not need this now.

I know you don't need this right now.
That's what I'm saying, all right?

I'm totally screwing up in there!
I don't even feel like a real agent anymore.

I mean, Vic says this
thing that's, like, so...

You know... I don't care what he said.
I don't care. I-I-I don't care, you know?

Because I am the job. I am
the job and I'm okay with that.

- I mean, you're the job. Right?
- Yeah, I'm the job. We're all the job.

You're the job. So, then,
what's wrong with me?

I date. I go on dates.

I know... I know everyone thinks
I haven't had a date about 10 years.

- Is that... is that what you think?
- I think you date.

Damn right I do. But, you know,
both times it was totally screwed up.

You know what?
I don't even care. I don't care.

All I... all I wanna do...
is my job.

And for the last three days,
I feel like I'm completely lost.

Hart, listen to me. I've been waiting
five years to run my own op.

You think I'd blow it
on the wrong girl?

No, no, no. I know the
only reason you picked me

is because I'm the only one to look half decent
in the bikini and wasn't on maternity leave.

No, that's why they
let me pick you.

- You wanna know why I picked you?
- Lost a bet.

Because you're smart, because you don't
take any crap from people, you're funny...

you're easy to talk to
when you're not armed...

Give yourself a break, cut Vic and the
rest of the pageant ladies some slack.

Because if they see ever get the
chance to see what I see, then...

they're gonna love you.

So, what do you say?

- All right, I won't let you down.
- Good, that's what I wanna hear.

I mean, in all honesty,
I-I-I might let you down.

But I'm gonna...
try my best... not to.

Do not mess with the dress.

Oh, Vic is gonna kill you.

- What?
- You in big trouble.

- Why? You fell. You actually...
- Big trouble.

- You look good wet.
- Shut up!

Whoa, whoa, guys! Hart's in the
dressing room. Come on. Come on!

- Ow! You see the legs on that girl?
- Who's your daddy?

- Those better be candy dishes!
- Turn around.

Open.

This guy's like an inch
from death! You see this?

Yeah, yeah, but what a way to go!

- Break it up. Nothing to see.
- What do you mean?

What do you mean?

She's a federal agent. Come on.
Give her a break.

Oh, good. I guess it's time
to apply at my local "Hooters".

What? Hemorrhoid ointment?

You really think the judges
are gonna be lookin' that closely?

It's for the little baggies
under your eyes.

Really?

Good, hair spray. Finally
something I recognize.

What are you doing?

- It stops the suit from riding up.
- Riding up where?

- Just... up!
- That is enough!

Why do you make things
difficult for me?

Oh, yeah, I can see this is an incredibly
embarrassing situation for you.

Ah! Okay, why does Georgia
get to wear a one-piece

and I have to wear this?!

Listen. If you can do this, then you can
convince anyone that you belong here.

Places, everybody!
Let's go!

The Swimsuit Preliminary accounts
for 15% of the total score,

and tests the grace,
athleticism and poise

of each lovely woman.

Look, the last time I was this naked in
public, I was coming out of a uterus, okay?

I-I don't have any breasts, my thighs...
I should be wearing a moomoo. Really.

Look. I have been avoiding
this experience my entire life.

And here it is. You must
achieve a Zen-like state.

Listen to your breathing,
feel your heartbeat,

think of the Dalai Lama.

Texas!

Rhode Island!

New Jersey!

Nebraska!

Dalai Lama, Dalai Lama,
Dalai Lama...

New York!

California!

I would have to say,
world peace.

Definitely, world peace.

That's easy. World peace.

World peace.

What is the one most important
thing our society needs?

That would be harsher punishment
for parole violators, Stan.

And... world peace.

- Thank you, Gracie Lou.
- And thank you, Stan.

Cheryl Frasier...
from Rhode Island.

That was charming.
Are you drunk?

I'm glad you
enjoyed it, monkey.

If you'd excuse me, I have
to go unscrew my smile.

Hey. We got a lead.

- What, the blood test?
- Photos.

Cheryl Frasier, with members of a radical
animal rights group involved in several bombings.

It's always the quiet ones.

Anyway, she fits the profile:
a loner, introverted...

Cheryl? That Cheryl?

Describe your perfect date.

That's a tough one.

I'd have to say April 25th,

because it's not too hot,
not too cold.

All you need is a light jacket.

Right. Now, there is
a hardened criminal.

Hey! Listen to me, Sparky!
Maybe she's an accomplice.

Maybe she's his inside connection.
Maybe she's totally innocent.

- That's what you gotta find out.
- How?

I don't know, coke some out of 'er,
buddy up to her... You know, girl talk.

- Girl talk?
- Yes, girl talk.

I'm sorry, I'm totally
drawin' a blank.

Well, leg waxing,
fake orgasms,

the inability of
men to commit...

Well, why don't
you go talk to 'er?

Just imagine that she's me

and there's somethin' you wanna
know, but I don't wanna talk about it.

What would you do?

You want me to beat it out of her?

- Why don't you go talk to her?
- Okay, you know what? Forget about it. I will go.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait a minute.
What are you doin'? Put that back in your ear.

I can't talk girl talk
with a guy in my head.

I can't even do it
with me in my head.

Girl talk.

- Oh, my God!
- Hey, Rhode Island! How you doin'?

How can you ask that?
You heard my interview.

I was like a female Rain Man.

Oh, no, it-it def-def-definitely
wasn't Rain Man.

De-definitely wasn't Rain Man.

Come and have a midnight
snack with me and, uh, some...

girl talk. Come on.

Are you crazy?
We can't have pizza and beer!

Do you know how many
calories you're talking about?

Uh... it's light beer and
she's gonna throw it up anyway.

Come on.

Come in.

No? No takers? No?

All right, well, you know,
I'll just... sit here.

You guys go back
on your little bicycles

and I'll sit here with my...
very large, cheesy pizza.

Oh, look at all that cheese.

Cheryl... don't.

- I don't know.
- At least scrape off the toppings.

First step, pizza.
Second step, flaming batons...

Well, I guess we'll be
needing some more pizza.

I need another drink!

We're gonna get a drink.

Another round, ladies?

- I can't do another one!
- Yes, you can.

This is so weird! This is my third one
o' these and I don't feel a thing!

Really?

Kinda like when I answered
my interview question.

Well, you know, don't worry
about that, we all sucked.

You know, I had such a good
answer to that question too.

Yeah?

My idea of a perfect date would be a
man who takes me to a romantic dinner

and then we walk along the beach barefoot,
discussing books and-and music and-and movies!

No wonder you're still a virgin.

- Okay. Time to paint. Come on.
- No, my contacts.

We're gonna stay here.

We're gonna have some
more, uh... pizza and beer.

Have fun!

- This is so much fun.
- Yeah, it's fun.

It's so fun it should be illegal.

- No?
- Speaking of illegal...

like, have you ever, like...
committed a crime?

Yes!

Yes, I... I did.

Go on.

One time I stole red underwear
from the department store.

My mother wouldn't
buy them for me!

She said they
were Satan's panties.

- So, is... is that it?
- Yeah.

Oh, well, there was, uh, this one
thing in college with my lit professor.

And, um... one day
I came to his office

cause he said he wanted
to discuss a paper I wrote.

He wanted to discuss
a paper, right?

Hey, um, can I get another
one of these tubie things?

Yeah, can we get another...
you know, tubie... more?

Anyway, he attacked me.

Ch... Cheryl, did you...
did you report him?

Oh, no, I never told
anyone before this.

I-I know that kind of thing
happens all the time.

No, no, it doesn't!
Cheryl, it doesn't.

You know, there is, like, so many
maneuvers that I could show you.

- Really?
- Yeah!

Come on.
You know, get up. Get up.

All right. Now I want you
to firmly plant your feet.

- Right here, right here.
- Okay.

I'm gonna move the chair.
Hold on!

Now, if someone comes at you...

She's completely trashed.

You know, we should get her back
before, uh, Miss Morningside finds out.

Oh, Kathy's just got a boot
up her ass about something.

Oh, I don't think she ever
got over those... rumors.

Come again?

You know, her pageant years,
she was a runner-up.

But then the winner just
mysteriously gets food poisoning.

Bizarro!

Uh-uh, Stan told me she got a letter, like,
a few weeks back from the network

and they're firing her too!
She threw a chair out the window!

Okay, we gotta go. Come on.

Look! I got 20 people here
waiting for confirmation.

No, don't tell me I don't understand.
You don't understand.

I hate it when I don't see
that wet paint sign.

Okay, stop it. Listen.

What? I can't hear you,
I took out my earpiece.

You stop?
I have a lead and it's not Cheryl.

Forget it, Picasso. Looks like
they bagged the Citizen.

What? Where?

All right. It's confirmed. He was
holing up in a little shack in Nevada.

Place had enough C4 to
make a new Grand Canyon.

Let's pack up and
get the hell outta here.

Sir, I-I need to talk to
you for a minute.

I just... one second
o' your time.

- Hart!
- Just, uh, hear me out for a second.

I-I... I really feel that the
situation bears further scrutiny

and our... and our continued
presence here at the pageant.

What are you, deaf?
You just got paint in the ears!

Look, we caught the guy!

Sir, I hear what you're saying.
I totally respect it,

and if I were you, I'd probably
say the same thing to me

but... what if we were wrong?

What if the Citizen didn't send
the letter? What if it was a copycat?

- Copycat...
- No, sir, the letter didn't follow the normal pattern.

The... linguistic scheme was
totally uncharacteristic

and the DNA said
it was a woman!

Maybe he got his girlfriend
to lick the envelope.

Sir, I-I think we have reason
to monitor Kathy Morningside.

Really?

Why don't you jump on 'er
dressed like a Bavarian fruitcake?

Look, you are the reason I had to
drag myself down here in the first place

and I don't wanna hear
another damn word!

Yes, sir. You're absolutely right.
Not another damn word.

Thank you.

But, sir, she's getting fired this year,
which she neglected to tell us.

Hart, you're already in enough
trouble with the review board.

Yeah, yeah, but, you know the other
thing. When she was in the pageant,

the only reason she won the crown was because
the winner "mysteriously" got food poisoning.

How bizarro is that?

"Bizarro"?

Oh! Oh! And another thing.
She threatens me.

And according to Mary Jo,
she has a history of violent behavior.

Who the hell is Mary Jo?

The point is, where you gettin' your
information, from a pyjama party?

- No.
- Would you just... shut up?

Why? You're shuttin' up
enough for the both of us.

- Matthews...
- Yes, sir.

Is there any reason
to suspect Morningside?

No, sir.

There.

Sir, I request permission to stay behind
with a small contingent of agents.

- Denied.
- Then I request permission to stay behind alone.

You know what?
I don't care what you do.

You wanna stay, stay!
But as a private citizen.

Turn in your badge
and your gun.

All right, everybody,
I suggest we start packing.

Yes, sir.

What?

Come on, don't look at me
like I just betrayed you.

No, betrayal implies an action.
You just stood there.

You got nothin' to go on.

No, you know... I know everyone
thinks I'm a screwup, all right?

But for the first time in my life,

I feel like I'm in the right place
at the right time.

And I have to protect
those girls. It is my job.

Fine. Part o' doin' the
job is followin' orders.

The other part of that job
is using your brain, Eric.

Take the rule book and
just throw it our the window...

I like the rule book, okay?

I like knowin' what I
can and cannot do.

You're not the only one
who lives his life for the job.

And I wanna keep mine
for the next 20 or 30 years.

Thank you very much.

Jesus, Hart.
Just... give it a rest.

Sure, give it a rest.

What're you doin'?

Don't do it.

Thank you.
Thank you so much.

I can't believe it!

Hi, mom.

Don't do that!

That slow, creepy thing in the
shadows. Your father used to do that.

Mom.

This isn't gonna work.

Oh, honey,
of course it's going to work.

But since the feds caught the Citizen,
we've got no one to pin it on!

Okay, that was bad luck.

But what about all these other letters
from terrorist groups threatening us...?

"Women's Liberation Front."
"Islamic Jihad."

They're not so nuts about
the swimsuit competition.

I mean, any one of these groups
could have planted a bomb.

- When did we get those?
- Well, I just finished writing them, Frank.

Just like the Citizen letter.

- You're a genius.
- No, Frank. I'm just pissed off.

Nobody fires me
and gets away with it.

The network wants a
newer, hotter show...

they're gonna get it.

- Mom, you're a little scary.
- And you're a little bit sloppy.

Now, tuck your shirt.
I don't wanna tell you again.

- Let's go home, honey.
- But... mom?

Oops!

- Need a hand, boss?
- I got it.

Okay, Vic. Beautify me.

Hair, makeup, shellac,
whatever it is you do.

Where's that shiny stuff that you
keep puttin' on my lips...? I love this...

Where you goin'?

Your agent McDonald
insists that I depart

or I won't be compensated.

No. No, no, no! After the top 10!
I am completely on my own.

The FBI is gone, it's not
fixed anymore. I need you!

Not anymore.
The cocoon is open.

I've taken a woman without
a discernable smidgen of estrogen...

and tramsformed her into a lady.

- No, Vic, come on.
- I've never been prouder of myself.

Or...

of any girl that I
have ever coached.

You are truly unique.

If I ever had a daughter...

I imagine that she would be...
something like you.

Which is perhaps why
I've never reproduced.

Okay, Vic, look. I have a really strong feeling
that somethin's gonna happen to these girls.

- You need to stay for me. Please, please.
- I... I can't.

But I can leave you this.
I was saving it for tonight.

It's your size, I believe.

Good luck to you, Gracie Lou.

It's been a privilege.

Ten minutes, ladies.

What, no insults today?

- You're a Don Ho.
- Has anyone seen Gracie?

I can't believe she
missed dress rehearsal.

Maybe she couldn't take the pressure.
She ate four slices last night.

We all saw her
glasses performance.

She is not making the top 10.
Oh, hi.

- I, uh, overslept my beauty sleep.
- Gracie, do you need help?

No, I'm fine. It all got okay.

I wonder which one of these...

- ... is, uh, lipstick.
- Oh.

Ladies!

Good luck, ladies!
Keep it movin'.

C'mon, c'mon, let's go!

Looking good, ladies.

You do me a favor. Will you
please go back to the mothership?

As long as you go
with me, Tex-Ass.

Let's go! Pennsylvania, New Jersey,
Texas, let's go! C'mon, Nebraska. Guys..

I can't open the goddamn bottle.

Let's go, have a good show.
You guys excited?

Get it.

Have a good show, all right?
You guys, have a good one.

- Yeah, you ready?
- Gracie, where are you going?

I forgot my breasts.
Hold on, I'll be back.

Going live...

In five... four... three...

Keep 'er up.

It's the 75th Annual
Miss United States Pageant

live from San Antonio, Texas!

Music too.

Oh, good you're using that one
cause that's the one I use at home.

That's great, let's go,
c'mon, c'mon, c'mon.

Let's go, let's go!

And your host for the evening,
Stan Fields!

Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen!

And welcome to a night
of beauty, talent and poise.

And I'm not just talkin' about
my co-host, Kathy... Morningside!

- Hello, Kathy.
- Stan, you charmer.

But you forgot to mention
"incredible intelligence".

That was incredibly stupid of me.
How can I make it up?

By helping me to announce
the top 10 finalists

chosen based on their performance
during the preliminaries this past week.

- And here's the envelope.
- Thank you, Scott.

Ladies, hold your breath.

Hawaii!

Follow her.

Beautiful.
Come in for that reaction.

Roll again.

- Go to two.
- Going to two.

California!

New York!

Alaska!

Texaaas!

New Jersey!

Oh, shit!

Oh, that was graceful.

Oh, that must have hurt.

But she's up and at it.

And last but not least,
Rhode Island.

And there they are!
This year's top 10 finalists.

Well, the top 10
have been chosen.

And we'll be right back with
tonight's swimsuit competition.

I checked out Kathy Morningside
again like you had asked.

Yeah, anything?

Not even a traffic ticket.
Model citizen.

Beauty contestant,
pageant director...

loving mom...

- But she's married?
- Widow. One son.

A sniveling, obsequious
weasel of a human being.

- You know her son?
- So do you. It's Frank.

- Frank. Her assistant Frank?
- Asshole Frank?

One and the same.

That's weird.
She never mentioned anything.

- Anything come up on the CCH?
- Nothing on Frank Tobin.

But there wouldn't be,
would there?

His name is Morningside.

He changed it to cover
his many indiscretions.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.
How do you know that?

I have been around this
pageant for many years.

I could shock you... with the
intimate details I'm privy to.

Good job! Good job!

Keep going, everybody.

Keep moving.

- Hey! Hey! I got you somethin'.
- What?

Oh!... Oh... But I couldn't...

I know you can. You ate pizza,
you stole panties, you're a wild woman.

We worked on this, remember?

You're gonna be great.

- Can I see your ticket?
- Federal officer.

I'm with him.

Gentlemen, you can't go in...
Oh, Victor!

He's with me.

Wait a minute. I'm not "with 'im"
with 'im. It's nothin' like that.

Come on, muffin.

Thank you!
She certainly lit my fire.

Now you can wear
Satan's panties!

Oh, my God.

I gotta go on!

- Hey, Hart.
- What are you doin' here?

Listen to me. I think
you might have been right.

Frank is Kathy
Morningside's son.

- Frank? What, disgusting, perverted Frank?
- He cleared under another name.

I ran a new CCH. Got a wrapsheet.
DUI, assault, even a weapons charge.

We doin' full deployment?
What are we doin'?

McDonald didn't wanna hear about this.
It's just us. We gotta go find Frank.

Good show, Mr. Tobin.

Get ready.

Oh, here you are!
You're up next, New Jersey.

I gotta get my glasses.

Hey! hey, hey, hey! What're you
doin'? You're drinkin' my talent!

I'm sorry.

What're you gonna do?
You gotta make it into the top five.

- Can you whistle?
- No!

- Make hand puppets?
- No!

I once had a girl
who rearranged furniture.

No! You said that all I have
is sarcasm and a gun.

Yeah, that and a right hook.

And now...

the musical stylings of
Gracie Lou Freebush.

Good evening.

I know the, uh, program says I'm
supposed to play the water glasses for you

but, uh, some o' the
girls got dehydrated.

No water glasses?

- Wanna go to a commercial?
- No, no, no, no, no. Why... Just s-stay on 'er.

Go with it.

And I believe that no woman should be
without at least a basic knowledge of-of self-defense.

So, uh, in order to show you this,
um, I'm gonna need a little help.

And I-I would like to
bring out my assistant...

Eric Bob.

More changes?

All right, just follow 'er.
Stay on 'er.

... to inflict maximum damage, uh,
with the least amount of force.

Okay, now. In, uh, some cases, your attacker
might come at you in a, uh, uh, frontal assault.

Use the heel of your hand
and thrust it upward.

This will cause the nose to break
and your assailant's eyes to tear...

giving you a chance to get away.

All right. Let's say your assailant
comes at you from behind.

Attack me!

Aw! Little Eric looks
a little scared.

Maybe he needs
a little bit of applause.

Ouch! She's kickin' his ass,
look at this!

- Tomorow you'll be the best queen ever.
- Thank you, that's so sweet.

Ladies, give Lori some room
to breathe. Go on, now.

You need some powder.

Lori, you don't have
to hold that crown all night.

- Oh, my God.
- It's ok.

That is disgraceful.
Frank!

Frank, take this to the prop master.
See if you can't get it to really shine.

Now, if all else fails, go for the
four sensitive areas of the body.

But just remember
to "sing". "S-I-N-G."

Solar plexus, instep, nose, groin!

All right, cue Stan.

Whoa! Welcome to
the Garden State!

When we return, we'll find out
just who those lucky final five are.

- All right, let's go find Frank.
- Okay, uh, you take the stage left. I'll take this side.

No, no, no. Evening gown. Now.

Ladies! In one moment,
five of you...

will be one step
closer to the crown.

And... one of those five...

is...

California!

Leslie Williams is
a music major.

She believes in
the healing power of music.

Loves opera, reggae...

and, like any true
California girl.

the Beach Boys.

Rhode Island!

Cheryl Frasier is
a science major.

Her field is nuclear fission with
a minor in elementary particles.

Nebraska!

For Kelly Beth Kelly,
all the world's a stage.

A theater major...

she helps run a drama program
for underprivileged children.

New Jersey!

Gracie Lou Freebush hopes
to become a pediatrician.

Gracie, it's you. Go!

Her hobbies include
figure skating, water ballet,

and taking long,
luxurious bubble baths.

You go, Gracie Lou.

And our fifth finalist. Texas!

Mary Jo Wright is a
psychology major.

In her spare time, she
works in a homeless shelter

and eats as much Mexican
food as she can get.

Thank you, ladies.
You were magnificent.

I just wanna let all the
lesbians out there know...

if I can make it to the
top 10, so can you!

Big out to Brooklyn! Yo!

Get her off of there!
Go to Stan!

Let go!
Tina, I love you, baby!

I love you, Karen!

Tina, I love you.

And we'll be right back with
our final five lesbians... interviews.

Bumper. Commercial.
Can we say "lesbians"?

You got a problem with that?

In a way...
America is like a big ship.

And when we work together
and respect each other,

that's when the ship
gets safely home.

Terrific answer.

Damn it.

New Jersey.

As you may know, there are many who
consider the Miss United States pageant

to be... outdated and antifeminist.

- What would you say to them?
- Oh, my God.

Well, I would have to say,
I used to be one of them.

And then I came here...

and I realized that these women
are... smart, terrific people,

who are just... tryin' to
make a difference in the world.

And we've become
really good friends.

I mean, I-I know we all secretly hope the
other one will trip and-and fall on her face, but...

Ah, wait a minute!
I've already done that!

And for me, this experience has been
one of the most rewarding and...

liberating experiences of my life.

My God. I did it.

And if anyone...

anyone...

tries to hurt one of my new
friends, I would take them out.

I would make them suffer so much,
they'd wish they were never born.

And if they ran...

I would hunt them down.

Thank you, Kathy.

A brief, shining moment,
and then that mouth.

Helps if you pull it out.

I can't believe.

Good luck, ladies.

Where's the crown?
Oh, I wanted to rub it for good luck.

Well, Frank took it
to get it polished.

But don't worry, I'll have it by
the time they announce the winner.

- Let's go, ladies. You're on.
- Oh, my God! It's... it's the crown!

Yes, it is. You can taste it now...

No, no, no, no, no, no!

Let's go, let's go.

It's Texas, and Rhode Island...

and... New Jersey. Let's go.

- Not the...
- In order, please. Let's go. Come on.

Finale positions.

In the crown.

Yes. Wear the crown.
Be the crown. You are the crown.

And now, the moment
of truth and beauty.

The envelope, please.

What?

A lot of tension.

The fourth runner-up is...

California!

The third runner-up is...

Nebraska!

- Am I in danger here?
- You wait here.

The second runner-up is...

Texas!

Drop it!

I mean it! Drop it!

This is it. The moment.

One of these two ladies
will wear the crown.

Listen to me! Listen to me!

I'm gonna reach for my badge, right?
I'm gonna reach real slow.

You do, and you're dead.

The first runner-up...

who will have to take the winner's
place if, for any reason...

she cannot fulfill
her duties is...

New Jersey! Which means

our new Miss United States is:

Don't take the crown.

Rhode Island's Cheryl Frasier!

Don't take the... don't take
the crown. Trust me.

She's beauty and she's grace.
She's queen of 50 states.

She's elegance and taste.
She's Miss United States.

Hold your crown up... high.

Go ahead, hold your
crown... up high.

Raise it to the sky.

Jersey's gone berserk!

Get her off the stage!

Hold your crown up high.

Raise it to the sky.

Hold your crown up high.

She stands for all that's good.

She loves her neighborhood.

She's friends with
everyone she meets.

Ohh, she's beauty
and she's grace,

She's... queen of 50 states.

She's... elegance and taste.

She's Miss United States.

Hold your crown up high.

Gracie!

Hold your crown up high.

Yes, raise it to...

She's Miss United States.

Okay.

Good show, everybody.

- I was right in the middle of my song!
- There she is!

You people got nothing on me.
This is ridiculous.

Don't worry, Miss Morningside.

I'm sure where where you're goin',
they'd love to meet a former beauty queen.

You should know, when he
says meet, he means M-E-A-T.

Miss Hart,
you don't understand.

All I'm guilty of is trying to make
the world a more beautiful place.

Look at yourself.

Why, when I met you, Dennis
Rodman looked better in a dress.

But... but now you're a lady!
I did that!

No, Vic did that and a team of
highly specialized federal manicurists,

some people that make you,
you know, like... beautiful.

You know what? You are
under arrest. Get in the car.

No. You think you saved
something tonight.

But all you did was to destroy the dream
of young women all over this country.

What, you think their
dream is to get blown up?

You really got a good shot
at that insanity plea. Yeah.

Well, I earned it, honey!

Twenty-five years of bitching beauty
queens and what do I get? Fired!

They steal my life, they
steal my beauty pageant.

Hey! Hey! It is not a beauty pageant.
It is a scholarship program.

- Yeah, yeah.
- "Yes".

Enjoy running the Miss San Antonio
Women's Correctional Facility Pageant, huh? Huh?

- Get it? The Women's Correctional Facility...
- Hey... That was good work.

Right back at you.

So, uh, how's it feel? Throwing
the rule book out of the window, eh?

- Pretty good, actually.
- Yeah.

Listen, I was thinkin', uh...

you know, when we get
back to the city,

after we write up our reports...

you get all ugly again...

I don't know, maybe we could
have dinner, you know?

What? You, like,
askin' me out on a date?

- No. Just a casual dinner.
- Huh.

If we happen to have
sex afterwards, so be it.

You think I'm gor-geous,

you wanna date me...

love me and marry me.

You gotta admit, a part
o' you is gonna miss this.

I know I'm gonna miss the heels
cause they do somethin' for my posture.

And I'm suddenly very aware
and proud of my breasts.

Funny, me too.

Agent Matthews! Gracie!

Thank God you're still here. There's been
an emergency at the farewell breakfast.

Somebody's found some sort
of a... in-in.. an incendiary device.

Come on, quickly! Come on!

Excuse me. FBI.

She saved the pageant,
she saved our lives

and here she is!

- That's not gonna work for me.
- No...

No, no. No, no, no, no. no.
Cause I can't go up there.

It was totally his idea,
Gracie Lou.

You know, I'd never get you here unless
you had the chance to shoot someone.

- You'll get yours, Henry Higgins.
- Go on.

Come one. Come on!

Ladies and gentlemen,
agent Gracie Hart of the FBI!

No, no, not so fast!

Because even though
you're a federal officer...

to us, you will always be
Gracie Lou Freebush.

The nicest, sweetest,
coolest girl at the pageant,

and this year's
Miss Congeniality!

I, uh...
I-I-I don't know what to say.

Um... Except for, uh...

I can't wear this at work.

I... never thought anything like
this would ever happen to me.

I mean, I-I-I kind of
hoped it wouldn't.

But now that it has...

uh... I just wanna
say that, uh...

I'm very...

uh... very honored.

And...

moved.

And...

truly touched.

And...

I really do want world peace.