Miranda Sings Live... Your Welcome (2019) - full transcript

[audience chanting] Miranda!

Miranda!

Miranda!

Miranda!

Miranda!

Miranda!

Miranda!

[announcer] Please welcome to the stage

Miranda Sings!

[cheering]

[mid-tempo music plays]



Miranda, what are you doing?
You're supposed to be on stage!

I can't go on stage right now. I'm busy!

Busy doing what?

Hello. I'm waiting for this scab to form
so I can pick it.

[scoffs]

[door opens, closes]

[announcer] Uh, change of plans.

Please welcome to the stage
Colleen Ballinger!

[cheering]

Oh, my God!

Hello, everybody!

This is crazy!

We're doing a Netflix special
at the Kennedy Center. What?

This is nuts!



Oh, my gosh.

And you guys are never gonna
believe me when I tell you this, but...

I'm pregnant.

[cheering]

There's a tiny little penis in there.

[cheering]

Is that weird? Are there kids here?

[laughter]

You know, pregnancy is the most beautiful,

magical, wonderful thing
in the whole world...

for everyone who isn't pregnant.

[laughter]

I am so miserable.

This is awful.

No one tells you
how much this is gonna suck.

I am so grumpy.

I am in so much pain.

I am constipated.

And I've been to the doctor,
I've seen the baby.

He's down here.

So then, what's all this?

[laughter]

People come up to me
and they want to rub my tummy,

and they're like, "Oh, how sweet. A baby,"

and I'm like, "That's not a baby.
I haven't pooped in two weeks."

[laughter]

"But keep rubbing. Maybe it will help."

I'm very excited to have this little guy.
I can't wait to be a mom.

But I'm gonna admit something
to you guys tonight.

I am so nervous.

I'm so nervous to have him.

But I'm not nervous
for the reasons you might think.

I'm not nervous 'cause I have to push
a baby out of my parts

and they're all going to rip into pieces.

I'm not nervous because I'm going to be
responsible for another human being.

I'm nervous because this kid
is going to have my genes,

and I looked like this when I was a baby!

[laughter]

[cheering]

That's not photoshopped.
That's my actual face.

And I know what you're thinking.

You're thinking, "Oh, that was probably
just an awkward phase.

You know, all babies look weird
in pictures sometimes."

Oh, no. I was a very ugly baby,
and I have proof.

This is also me as a baby.

[laughter]

And this is me as a baby.

And my personal favorite...
This is me as a baby.

[cheering and applause]

And to any of you out there who think,
"Oh, you know what? It'll get better.

You know, you'll grow out of that,"

you must be forgetting
that this is what I do for a living.

So no, it doesn't get better.

And if this kid looks anything like me
when he comes out,

I'm gonna be like, "Put him back!"

[laughter]

Just kidding.
I'll love him no matter how ugly he is.

[laughter]

I'll just love him less.

[laughter]

Oh, how am I going to explain that
to my child?

[laughter]

He's gonna be so confused.

He's gonna think he lives in a house
with a mommy and a daddy,

and sometimes mommy disappears

and a crazy girl with lipstick
and a camel toe

chases him around the house with a camera.

[laughter]

Like, what's he gonna tell his friends
that his mom does for a living?

What's he gonna do?
Show them this picture?

His friends are gonna be like,
"My mom's a doctor."

"Well, my mom's a teacher."

And he's gonna be like,
"My mom does this."

-[laughter]
-Oh, God. Why did I give him that voice?

[laughs] Just assuming he's doomed.

Oh, God. We can get rid of that.

You know, uh, I've been doing that
for ten years now.

I've been doing Miranda.

[cheering]

Whoo!

So long of doing a character
that everybody hates.

Everyone hates me. It's true.

I have made a career
off of people hating my character.

Are there any parents
in the audience tonight?

[cheering]

Hey! Thanks for coming.

You guys hate me the most.

[laughter]

No, don't worry, though.

If you're a parent
and you feel like you were just dragged

to some dumb YouTuber's show tonight,

you were. Gotcha.

But also, I try really hard
to make my show enjoyable for everybody.

So yes, there are some jokes
for the kids tonight.

But there's also a lot of mature,
inappropriate jokes

that will go over the kids' heads.

No offense to you kids,
but you guys are... dumb,

-so they'll go over your heads...
-[laughter]

...and then the parents will have
something to laugh at, don't worry.

Uh, but it is true.
I get a lot of hate from the mothers.

-Hi. Uh...
-[laughter]

You all say the same thing to me
when you meet me, too, the moms.

And I think
you think this is a compliment,

but you always say...

[exhales] "I don't know why
my kid likes you."

[laughter]

Fighting back tears.

I remember this one time I met a girl
at a mall, and she was so sweet.

I was so excited to meet her.

She watched my videos. She was a big fan.

But her mom was standing, like,
two feet from us and she looked pissed.

So I went up to her to introduce myself,

and she goes, "Oh, I know who you are."

[laughter]

"If I have to hear your voice in my house
one more time, I swear to God..."

And I was like...

"Thank you."

I did an interview with this guy once,

and he was so rude.

He did not want
to be talking to me at all.

And at the end of the interview, he goes,
"All right. I have one final question.

I interview a lot of comedians.

Is there a reason why they're funny
and you're not?"

-[audience gasps]
-True story. He said that.

And in my head, I was like, "Well,
is there a reason why you're a dick?"

But I didn't say that

because there are kids here.

[laughter]

I said something better.

He said, "Is there a reason why comedians
are funny and you're not?"

And I said...

[shyly] "Thank you."

So I'm very uncomfortable
when it comes to confrontation and hate,

but I'm a little bit better at it
when I can hide behind my camera

like a coward.

So I write songs about the hate
that I get,

and I would love to sing one
for you guys tonight if that's cool?

-[cheering]
-Yes! Awesome.

I've got my ukulele.

[cheering]

So...

I have to warn you,

all of the lyrics to this song
are hate comments that I have received.

So there's a lot of bad words,

and there is some crude language
in this song.

So to all of the mothers
that I'm about to offend, um...

[shyly] ...thank you.

[laughter]

"Why are you a YouTuber? I'm not a hater.
I just hate your vids. And your voice."

"You look uglier than my ass. No ofoinse."

"Does she have cancer? Because I don't
want to make fun of her if she does.

She's so effing annoying."

"Your cloths are so ugly.
Maybe you need to go into a model class.

Your cloths look like pajamas.

You don't know what you're wearing.
You look good to you. You look bad to me."

[laughter]

♪ "Roses are red, violets are blue ♪

♪ Pornhub is down
Colleen Ballinger will do" ♪

♪ "Her face is a rip-off, so sad" ♪

♪ "Nice fonking forehead" ♪

♪ "Butt ♪

♪ Head" ♪

♪ "Toltoly stupid" ♪

♪ "I hatte you with a passion"
Thumbs up ♪

♪ "Her face scarets me
She neds more makeup" ♪

♪ "She has a uniboob" ♪

♪ "I'm pretty sure her vagina
Smells like cat food" ♪

-That one's accurate.
-[laughter]

♪ You might think that I'm hurt
Or I'm feeling abused ♪

♪ But I'm not, I'm getting paid
From your comments and views ♪

♪ So keep the comments coming ♪

♪ But here's some help ♪

♪ Before you go insulting people
Maybe learn how to spell ♪

♪ Dum-da-dum ♪

♪ Dum-da-dum ♪

♪ You sound so dumb, dumb, dumb ♪

♪ You sound so dumb ♪

"What the duck is wrong with her face?

Duck, duck, duck!"

"There are eight-year-olds watching this."

"She looks fat but still pretty."

♪ "I think she might be a dude" ♪

♪ "You remind me of a raisin
'Cause you have wrinkles ♪

♪ And everyone hates you" ♪

♪ "You look like Maranda"
"You look like Mirada" ♪

♪ "Are you Mirinda?"
"Are you Amanda?" ♪

♪ "Are you Mirrranda?"
"Are you a Marinade Sings? No ofens ♪

You know, I'm not a marinade,
so, none taken.

♪ You might think that I'm hurt
Or I'm feeling abused ♪

♪ But I'm not, I'm getting paid
From your comments and views ♪

♪ So keep the comments coming ♪

♪ But here's some help ♪

♪ Before you go insulting people
Maybe learn how to spell ♪

♪ Dum-da-dum ♪

♪ Dum-da-dum ♪

♪ You sound so dumb, dumb, dumb
You sound so dumb ♪

Everybody! ♪ Dum-da-dum ♪

There you go. ♪ Dum-da-dum ♪

♪ You sound so dumb, dumb, dumb ♪

♪ You sound so dumb ♪

One more time! ♪ Dum-da-dum ♪

♪ Dum-da-dum ♪

♪ You sound so dumb, dumb, dumb ♪

♪ You sound so dumb ♪

[cheering and applause]

There you go!

[exhales]

There you go.

You know,

I get a lot of hate, as you can see.

Uh, but you know what? The hate
doesn't really bother me that much.

I'm usually able to let the hate
just roll off my shoulders.

But every once in a while,
there's just one comment that gets to me.

This has happened
more frequently recently

because I'm pregnant
and I'm very emotional.

I cry at everything now.

Um, so recently, I was upset about
some of the hate comments I was getting,

and I needed to do something
to make myself feel better.

So I did something
that I know you all have done,

so you cannot shame me
when I tell you what I did.

But I Googled myself.

See, I thought if I Googled myself,
I would feel better,

but that's not what happened.

What happened was
I noticed these words in bold.

These are the most frequently searched
things on Google.

So I thought I would play with this

and see what you guys
were searching about me,

and I typed in, "Is Colleen Ballinger..."

And the most frequently searched thing
on Google when you type in,

"Is Colleen Ballinger..." is...

"dead."

So that did not make me feel better.

So I tried something else.

I typed in...

"Did Colleen Ballinger..."

And the most frequently searched thing
on Google

when you type in,
"Did Colleen Ballinger..." is...

"die."

[laughter]

So...

I tried something
a little bit more obscure,

and I typed in,
"Where was Colleen Ballinger..."

thinking there is no way

that this could be about me dying.

Well, I was wrong because it was...

"buried."

[laughter]

So thank you. I love my fans.

So when Googling myself
did not make me feel any better,

I did something that I've been doing
since I was a little girl

every time I feel low.

I wrote in my diary about my feelings.

Now, this is actually
what inspired my most recent book,

called My Diarrhe by Miranda Sings.

-[cheering]
-Some of you brought it. Thank you.

You guys are the best!

So, yes, I recently came out with a book,

and it's all of Miranda's diaries
duct-taped together.

Now, the entire inspiration for this book
was my actual diaries as a child

because they are
horrendously embarrassing.

So I thought,
to celebrate such a special night,

we're doing a Netflix special,
we're at the Kennedy Center, this is epic.

I should read to you

some of my most embarrassing pages
from my diaries as a child.

What do you think?

[cheering]

Yes!

I was gonna do it
even if you didn't scream,

so thank you.

So this is one of my diaries
from when I was a child.

[cheering]

And I found some, uh,

just very embarrassing pages
to read to you guys from.

This is from when
I was about 12 years old,

um, this picture
that I'm about to show you.

Let's take a look.

Yep, there it is.

[laughter]

Oh, God.

[laughing] So it says...

-It says, "What's wrong with me?"
-[girl shouts] Nothing!

And I'm on the "road to nowhere."

[laughter]

[laughs] I want you guys
to get an idea in your mind

of what I looked like
during this time of my life,

this emo, depressed little girl.

So I brought a picture of myself
for you guys to see...

[laughter]

...what I looked like then.

Let's continue.

Here we go.

"Dear Marsha..."

Oh, by the way, I never called my diary
"diary" for some reason.

I always gave it a name.

I think I thought it would make me feel
like I had friends.

So here we go.

"Dear Marsha.

Sorry I haven't written in a while,
but I have been very busy.

Here are all the things I have been doing.

One, went to church.

Two, started sixth grade.

Three, got lots of new Beanie Babies.

Four, lost my Tamagotchi."

[laughter]

"Five, practiced miming."

[laughter]

Now, this sounds like a joke,
but I legit took mime classes as a kid.

Uh, I have proof.

This is me... [laughs]

...as a child mime.

Um, I was homeschooled.

-Okay, moving on.
-[laughter]

So five was "practiced miming."

-And then, "Six, my cat ran away."
-[audience] Aww.

"Seven, found my cat.

It's dead."

[audience] Aww.

[chuckles]

"I have been doing a lot more stuff, too,
but I'm tired and can't write anymore.

I most likely will only write
when I'm having problems, or puberty,

or I'm just bored from now on,
so don't expect many letters.

Good night. Love, Colleen."

[laughter]

Well...

[cheering and applause]

You guys are cheering
'cause you think it's over.

I'm sorry, it's not. There's more.

So, uh, I did write
when I went through puberty.

So I want to show you
one of my favorite pages from that time.

"Personal note. My boobs are popping out
and they are killing me."

And I drew a picture in case anyone wants
to know what that looks like. [laughs]

[laughter]

It hurts.

So puberty did not do me well.

I had a really hard time during puberty,
as most kids do.

And you will see that reflected
on this next page.

[laughter]

"Hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate,
hate, hate, hate times a million.

This is my feelings towards life.

Lava lamps are really cool...
Colleen Ballinger."

[laughter]

So...

Now, when I was looking for pages
to read to you guys tonight,

um, I found this one page in my diary
that is so embarrassing,

so mortifying,

that I could not possibly read it myself.

That's how bad it is.

So I'm going to have the help
of my best friend, Kory DeSoto...

-[cheering]
-...to come read this to you.

This is Kory.

[cheering continues]

Kory.

[laughs]

[cheering continues]

They love Kory!

I do, too.

[cheering]

He's the best.

So Kory...

is my best friend,
and he has been for many, many years.

Now, Kory and I met doing theater,

and we have a strange obsession
with bad theater and bad acting.

So I have requested that he read
the worst page of my diary

as a bad-acted monologue
for you guys tonight, so...

Oh, by the way, before he gets started,

I just want to let you know
that this is no ordinary journal.

This is my prayer journal.
[nervous chuckle]

[laughter]

So these are my thoughts to God.

Keep that in mind.

[laughter]

Scene.

[laughter]

"Precious Daddy..."

[laughter]

"I need you to provide me

with a lot of patience right now

because I keep on getting
these dirty looks from this girl...

Taryn."

[laughter]

"At the last prayer circle,
she asked for us to pray for her grandma.

But if she keeps on giving me
these dirty looks,

I am not gonna pray for her."

[laughter]

[cheering and applause]

"Sorry. Satan got a hold of me there..."

[laughter]

[cheering]

[laughing]

Oh...

[laughter]

"Anyways...

in other news, let's talk about boys...

or lack thereof.

Am I a mutant or something?

Why can't I get a boyfriend?

Good times..."

[laughter]

"Not really."

[laughter]

"Amen."

[laughter]

[cheering and applause]

Give it up for Kory DeSoto, everybody!
[laughs]

[cheering]

Okay.

Now, I could keep reading to you

from my emo high school
and junior high diaries,

or I could read to you
from my favorite childhood diary,

which is the poop diary.

Unfortunately,
this is exactly what it sounds like.

My mother, she has four kids,

and she was trying to figure out a way
to get closer to us, to bond with us.

Um, she wanted us to open up to her more
about our feelings.

So she came up with this brilliant idea.

"I know. I'll put a diary
next to the toilet,

and that way, whenever they're doing that,

they can write to me
about their feelings."

She thought this would help us to bond.

Now, obviously,
this wasn't the greatest idea,

and I have proof,
because I'm going to read you some pages

from the poop diary.

So these are conversations
between me and my mother, okay?

So the first page here,
it starts with my mother.

She asks me...

"How is choir going?"

And I said...

"Fine. I have diariah again!"

[laughter]

"Every time I eat cheese, I have..."

Arrow to "diariah."

[laughter]

So... [laughs]

My mom's great idea wasn't really working.

Um, but she didn't give up, my mother.

She knew this poop diary would work,

so she tried again.

And I'm gonna read to you another page.
This one actually starts with me.

I said...

"That turkey stuff you made
for your diet dinner

smelled better than it taste."

And then she said,

"Yes, it did."

[laughs]

And I said,

"I have diariah!"

[laughter]

So...

it was a good attempt from my mother,
but obviously, the poop diary backfired.

But you know what? Actually,
my mom and I are really close now,

so maybe it worked.
Moms, try out poop diaries with your kids.

By the way,
I thought this was a normal thing

that everyone had in their homes

until I was about 16 years old.

So that was an embarrassing conversation
to have with my friends in high school

and be like,
"Uh, where's your poop diary?"

[laughter]

Ah.

Anyway, let me get rid of this.

So...

listen up.

I know why you guys are here, all right?

So who's excited to see Miranda Sings?

[cheering]

All righty.

Let's see if she's ready.

She's not,
so I'm gonna do another song.

[laughter]

But maybe if I sing this,
Miranda will come out to play.

Now, I am a musical theater dork.

My background is in theater.
I love theater.

And so when I first started doing Miranda
ten years ago,

my entire show was just Broadway songs.

So I would like to pay my respects
to the beginning of Miranda Sings

and sing a theater song for you guys
right now, if that's cool.

[cheering]

Perhaps if I sing this,
Miranda will come out to play.

This is "Defying Gravity."

[cheering]

["Defying Gravity" plays]

[cheering]

♪ Something has changed within me ♪

♪ Something is not the same ♪

♪ I'm through with playing by the rules ♪

♪ Of someone else's game ♪

♪ Too late for second guessing ♪

♪ Too late to go back to sleep ♪

♪ It's time to trust my instincts ♪

♪ Close my eyes and leap ♪

♪ It's time to try defying gravity ♪

♪ I think I'll try defying gravity ♪

♪ And you can't pull me down... ♪

[cheering]

[cheering]

[cheering]

♪ So if you care to find me ♪

♪ Look to the western sky ♪

♪ For those who told me lately ♪

♪ Everyone deserves a chance to fly ♪

♪ And if I'm flying solo ♪

♪ At least I'm flying free ♪

♪ To those who'd ground me ♪

♪ Take a message back from me ♪

♪ Tell them how I am defying gravity ♪

♪ I'm flying high ♪

♪ I'm defying gravity ♪

♪ And soon I'll match them in renown ♪

♪ And nobody in all of Oz ♪

♪ No wizard that there is or was ♪

♪ Is ever going to bring me ♪

♪ Down ♪

[cheering]

♪ Bring me down ♪

♪ Oh, whoa! ♪

-[song ends]
-[cheering and applause]

Hey, guys. It's me, Miranda.

[cheering]

I'm so excited to be here
at the Kennedy Center tonight.

Are you guys excited?

[cheering]

You'd better be excited

'cause you're here to see
the most miraculous,

amazing person in the entire world,

Miranda Sings!

[cheering]

It's true.

I'm the most incredible person ever.

I'm a famous singer, dancer, actor,
model, magician,

other things...

But you guys are in for a treat tonight

'cause not only
do I do all of those amazing things...

Oh, no. That stuff
doesn't even matter anymore.

You guys are in the presence of greatness

because tonight, standing before you

is the very next

Virgin Mary!

[cheering]

[harp plays]

It's true. I am with child.

I am expecting a little brat pretty soon.

Now, obviously,
I would never do the nasty,

which means I am the next Virgin Mary.

But I have some skeptics out there.

Some people don't think
I'm actually the next Virgin Mary.

Well, I'm about to prove it to you.

You are in the presence
of freaking greatness.

Watch this.

Hit it!

[angelic choir plays]

[laughter]

[splash]

♪ Halle-- ♪ Oh, shoot.

♪ Hallelujah ♪

♪ Hallelujah, hallelujah ♪

♪ Hallelujah ♪

["Pregnant Virgin" plays]

[cheering]

♪ Look at me, I'm a pregnant queen ♪

♪ Baby's coming soon, my poor tookie ♪

♪ But it probably won't hurt
because God chose me ♪

♪ To be the next Holy Virgin Mary ♪

♪ Well, you don't think
I'm the next Virgin Mary? ♪

♪ A lot of magical things
Have been happening to me lately ♪

♪ To prove I'm the chosen one ♪

♪ Currently have two brains in me ♪

♪ So I'm double smarter than everybody ♪

♪ When I sneeze, I pee simultaneously ♪

♪ I don't need a table
I just use my belly ♪

♪ Haven't pooped in weeks
And I'm still alive ♪

♪ Got a tiny little penis in me
At all times ♪

♪ I see everything, I've got four eyes ♪

♪ And my booty's looking thick
'Cause I've got four thighs ♪

[cheering]

♪ Do the waddle, do the waddle ♪

♪ Do the waddle, do the waddle ♪

♪ Before he comes out
He needs to repent ♪

♪ He's kicking and grabbing me
Without my consent ♪

♪ Stop grabbing my tookie
Or I'll make you pay rent ♪

♪ If he keeps it up
He could become the next president ♪

[vocalizing]

[cheering]

♪ Virgin Miranda ♪

♪ The holiest of all ♪

[cheering and applause]

See, just proved it.

I am the next Virgin Holy Miranda,
all right?

Now, when I announced this
on the internet,

I had a lot of people being very offended
that I said I was the next Virgin Mary.

Which is ridiculous!

Look at these comments.

People are saying things like,
"I'm affended."

"This video offiended me."

"Ew, ur preginanit."

But you know what?

I realized people are gonna be offended

whether I'm preginanit or not.

Because everybody is offended
by everything these days.

It's ridiculous!

[cheering]

You can't do anything
without offending someone.

It's so annoying.

Like, I can't even post an Instagram
picture without ticking someone off.

Look at these, okay.

This picture offended the vegans.

This picture offended the mothers.

This picture offended... everyone.

[laughter]

So friggin' annoying.

But then I realized something.
I was doing it all wrong.

Because you can actually say whatever
you want and do whatever you want

and not get in trouble for it,

as long as you say two little words.

[audience] No offense!

That's right. "No offense."

-Hit it!
-[rock music plays]

Listen up, leotards.
I'm about to teach you two magic words

that make it so you can say
whatever you want, whenever you want,

and not suffer consequences.

♪ Feel like you're offending everyone
These days? ♪

♪ Feel like you're losing friends
No matter what you say? ♪

♪ There's a way to say offensive things
And not look bad ♪

♪ Just say these two little words
And no one's allowed to be mad ♪

♪ I hope you get a paper cut ♪

♪ No offense ♪

♪ Even your grandma thinks you suck ♪

♪ No offense ♪

♪ Your face looks exactly like your butt ♪

♪ No offense ♪

♪ I bet Comic Sans is your favorite font ♪

♪ No offense ♪

[music ends]

[cheering]

See, that's all you gotta say.

In a normal situation, you go up
to someone and say, "You're ugly."

That's really rude.

But if you just finish it off
with, "You're ugly. No offense,"

they can't get mad.

See? Now, some of my haters
have yet to learn this lesson.

They're saying very rude, offensive things
to me and not saying, "No offense,"

which is really titting me off,

and I'm gonna show you right now
what I'm talking about.

People are telling me that I did porn

in order to get pregnant.

Which is not true.

I would never participate in the nasty.

Now, I need to prove it to you

so I can prove
that I'm actually the next Virgin Mary.

So I'm gonna prove
I would never participate in a porn.

Now, what you might not know
is that porn is happening all around you.

Even right now, there are people
being porn in this very room,

and I cannot have that.

So I'm going to need two volunteers
right now.

[excited screaming]

Hmm.

Let's see here.

Um, how about you right here
in the red pants?

I need one more.

[excited screaming]

There's a lot of you.

Um, how about in the skirt, right here?
Yeah, in the skirt.

Come on up.

Hello.

-What's your name?
-Calita.

Calita!

Wow, do you have a dragon?
Is that you, the Mother of the Dragons?

No. [laughs]

I got you confused with someone else.
[chuckles]

So anyways...

Hi. Okay.

So...

Listen, in order to talk about
this first type of porn,

I'm gonna need my pointer.

I really want to make sure
you guys are paying attention, okay?

So just give me a second.

Okay.

[laughter]

Listen up.

Calita over here

is wearing a nice button-up shirt
all the way to the tippity top,

nice long sleeves,

pants that go all the way down
to the floor.

This is very nice. Very conservative.

This is a perfect example of not porn.

This...

[laughter]

...is porn, okay?

Her skirt is so short,

all it will take
is one really big gust of wind

and we'll see
all the creases and crevices.

And the top goes so low
we can the entire chesticle crack.

This is a perfect example of porn.

-So what's your name?
-Sarah.

[scoffs] Exactly.

[laughter]

No offense.

[laughter]

So here we have porn, not porn.

Porn, not porn.

Do not fret, Sarah. I'mma help you out.

I know you're a Mirfanda.

However, give Calita a round of applause.

[cheering and applause]

Thank you.

Go away.

Get off. Okay.

Come here, Sarah.

Oh, this is bad news.

Listen, you are in the presence
of a biblical holy figure, okay?

I cannot have my Mirfandas
walking around dressed porn-y,

so I gotta fix this.

Lucky for you,
I brought something with me tonight

in case there was a Sarah here.

I use this whenever I see someone
looking porn-ish.

Okay?

This is the stretchy solution to porn.

So what you do is,
whenever you see someone dressed porn,

you just put this on their head...

and then you just...

[laughter]

Like this. See?

Very nice.

However...

she is such a severe case of the porn.

Turn around.

This is so tight, we can see
the entire shape of the badonkadonk.

-Inappropriate!
-[laughter]

Which means this needs to go, all right?
This is never going to work.

There is only one thing that we can do
for someone who is this porn-y, okay?

This I only do in severe cases,

so please,

help me...

and pray for Sarah.

-[laughter]
-Okay?

-Thank you, Sarah.
-[cheering and applause]

Thank you. Goodbye.

[giggles]

[cheering]

Okay. Listen, I can't have that.

I can't have my Mirfandas
dressing porn-y, okay?

You represent me now.

So everybody, look to your left,
look to your right,

see if anybody's dressed porn-y right now.

Put a hand on them and pray for them.

Let's get rid of the porn together,
one prayer at a time.

Very good, yes.

Very nice. Oh, this girl's praying
for her mom in the front row.

[laughter]

What the heck?

The mom's all happy.
She's like, "I am porn."

-[giggles]
-[laughter]

Okay.

Now, listen, I wish that was
the only type of porn that there is,

but there's lots of types of porn.

And this next type of porn
is the most common

and the worst one of all.

It's porn-style dancing.

I know you kids.

You like to go out
to da club and bust a move.

But I don't want to see you doing
any of these nasty booty shakes

and booty twerks.

It's disgusting and inappropriate.

The only type of dancing
my Mirfandas should be doing

is my type of dancing.

So if you know it,
I want to see you do it.

This is "Do The Miranda!"

-Hit it!
-[cheering]

-[dance music plays]
-All right, Miranda Sings in the house!

Get up out of your seats.

I want to see you dancing right now,
having a good time.

All right. Here we go.

♪ Hey, you over there
With the porn-y hair ♪

♪ I got what you need ♪

♪ Hey, you there, bro
With the camel toe ♪

♪ Come and just follow my lead ♪

♪ A new dance is here
And I fear, my dear ♪

♪ That you're all looking like hoes ♪

♪ So cover your backs
And your chesticle cracks ♪

♪ 'Cause here is how it goes ♪

♪ Lift your legs up high
Poke your neighbor in the eye ♪

♪ Paint a rainbow in the sky
Wipe it till it's dry ♪

♪ Then twerk like me
But don't make it slutty ♪

♪ It's as easy as can be, so follow me ♪

[cheering]

♪ Let's do it again ♪

♪ Do the Miranda ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ Do the Miranda ♪

♪ Do the Miranda! ♪

[cheering]

Very nice.

I see lots of you
know how to do the Miranda.

Very good.

I saw some of you not participating.

Mothers.

[laughter]

So congratulations.
You will never get a boyfriend.

No offense.

[burps] Okay, listen.

[laughter, cheering]

We have a lot to discuss tonight.

I can't spend this much time
on freaking porn,

so we got to move on
to the next thing, okay?

Because, listen, there's one thing
that the Virgin Mary had

that I don't have yet.

This is a problem, okay?

She had a Joseph.

I don't have a Joseph yet to my Mary.

So I got a question for you.

Where my baes at?

-[cheering]
-["Where My Baes At?" plays]

♪ I'm about to break it down ♪

♪ Sing along if you know it ♪

♪ All right, here we go ♪

♪ Every time I look around
All I ever see ♪

♪ Is people being jealous
And they wanna look like me ♪

♪ I've got Tyler, Ricky, Joey
And the Dolan twins too ♪

♪ My uncle and Lohanthony
But I'm my favorite boo ♪

♪ Got a lot more
But I forgot who they are ♪

♪ Sorry, not sorry
Just a superstar ♪

♪ Got lots of baes
Are you wondering how I do? ♪

♪ Take a little listen
I'll find a bae for you ♪

♪ Hey, where my baes at? ♪

♪ Where my baes at? ♪

♪ I got so many baes, man ♪

♪ I'll teach you how to get one too ♪

♪ Where my baes at in the house? ♪

[cheering]

-[music ends]
-Whoa, so many baes.

You know what, guys?

I'm not joking around.

I really need to find a bae.

I am six months pregnant already,

so I need to find a daddy to this kid.

[bell rings]

-[romantic music plays]
-[cheering]

[cheering]

[girl] Love you, Patrick!

Hi, Patrick.

Hey, Miranda.

[cheering]

Patrick, what are you doing here?

I haven't seen you in, like, six months.
[nervous giggle]

[laughter]

Uh... Well, I...

I heard the, um...

That you, uh...

[stammering]
That you're with child, and, um...

[nervous exhale] I thought maybe
you could use some protection.

[laughter]

Patrick... [giggles]

It's a little late for that.

[laughter]

Besides, we can't be together.
You know this.

Netflix owns the rights to you,
and the show got canceled.

-I could get sued.
-[laughter]

So you need to go.
I don't want to get sued.

I don't have insurance.

Go away. Hurry.

Before anyone sees.
Yes. Please go, Patrick, please.

[audience screaming excitedly]

Oh, don't give me that.
I didn't cancel the show!

[laughter]

[laughter]

[cheering]

[cheering intensifies]

Just kidding.
I'm grateful for the experience.

[laughter]

I love Netflix so much. [chuckles]

You know, I can't eat this.
It makes the baby kick me in my tookie,

so does anyone want it?

[excited screaming]

What about in the balcony?
Do you want it up there? Get ready.

[grunts]

[laughter]

That was for you.

Now, listen, okay. I wasn't kidding.

Before I was rudely interrupted
by Patrick,

I really do have a surprise
for you guys tonight.

We all know I need to get a daddy
to this baby ASAP,

so I called up my number-one bae

and said I was doing
a very special show tonight

in Washington DC at the Kennedy Center.

This guy has millions of subscribers,

millions of views,

very, very famous.

My number-one bae.
Do you know who it is?

[excited screaming]

Joey Graceffa!

[cheering]

But he said he couldn't come, so...
[giggles]

That would have been great, though, huh,

if he was here.

The parents are all laughing
at their kids. [chuckles]

They're crying. [chuckles]

You know what?
He's not here, but you guys are.

Who wants to be my bae tonight?

[excited screaming]

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa. Stop. Are you kidding me?

I see so many girls raising their hands.

I'm not a Lebanese.

Boys, please. No offense.

Let's see here.

We got lots of options. Ooh.

How about in the white sweatshirt
up there?

I need two more.

Two more.

Who do we got? Who do we got?

Okay, in the black hat.

I need one more.

Come on up, white sweatshirt, black hat.

One more.

So many good options.

Okay, how about in the purple shirt
right here?

Come on up.

Ooh, hello.

Look at this sexy bae.

What is your name?

Nathan.

Nathan. Love that.

I love your face hairs.

[giggles]

Where are you from?

Barrie, Ontario.

Barrie, Ontario?

Oh. Sounds like an infection. [chuckles]

[laughter]

Oh, hey, Daddy. [giggles]

What's your name?

My name is Anthony.

-Andronen? What?
-Anthony.

Anthony!

Okay. You did not say that the first time.
Just saying.

Anthony, where are you from?

I'm from Bayonne, New Jersey. "Bay."

-Bayonne. I'm the bae.
-Ooh.

I get it. [chuckles]

Whatever.

-Good talk. Okay.
-[laughter]

Oh, hey. You're much shorter up close.

Um, what's your name?

Aldair.

[laughing]

Are you related to Andrew over there,
All-dayer?

Yeah. [laughs]

"Sure. That works." Aldair.

I love it. It's like, "All-dayer!"

"I could do an all-dayer!"

[laughter]

[chuckles]

Good. Okay.

[laughter]

Cool.

Um, where are you from, Aldair?

My mom's belly.

[laughter]

[cheering]

What do you do for a living?

Uh...

watch you on YouTube.

We have a flirt in the house tonight.

Okay, Aldair.

[chuckles]

Love that.

Now, I have three very sexy men...

boys on stage.

[laughter]

All of them are ready and excited
to be the father to this child.

[laughter]

Um, so you can all handle
this responsibility, you think?

[laughter]

Promising.

Okay. Now, here's the deal.

I can't have all three of them
being the daddy,

so I'm gonna pick one,
but how I'm gonna do that

is I'm gonna woo them
with my charms and my talents

and my vocal abilities.

And whoever I have the most chemistry with

will become the daddy to this child.

So all you guys have to do
is stay right where you are.

I will come to you, so just come...

Oh, yes. You can come to me.

[giggles]

[laughter]

I will be doing all of the work.

If the chemistry is there, it's there.

-All right? Are you ready for it?
-Absolutely.

Hit it!

♪ What up, everybody? New year, new me ♪

♪ You can smell me coming
Like asparagus pee ♪

♪ I'm so sexy, I'm just like a zit ♪

♪ That's what everybody stares at
And you want to touch it ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ You see me walking by
And you are shook ♪

["Summer Nights" plays]

[cheering]

♪ Summer loving, had me a blast ♪

♪ Summer loving, happened so fast ♪

♪ Met a boy, crazy for me ♪

♪ Met a boy, cute as can be ♪

[cheering]

♪ Summer dreams ♪

♪ Ripped at the seams ♪

♪ But ♪

[deep voice] ♪ Oh ♪

♪ Those summer ♪

[high-pitched voice] ♪ Nights ♪

[vocalizing]

-[music ends]
-[cheering and applause]

Wow.

There is so much chemistry on stage
right now.

Like I said, I can only pick one bae
to be the daddy to this child,

so I'm gonna get out
something called the bae-ometer.

The bae-ometer also happens to be my hand.

So I'm just gonna take it,
put it over their head,

and the bae you think
I had the most chemistry with,

cheer for, okay?

So here we go.

[imitates beeping]

[moderate cheering]

Pretty good. Pretty good.

[imitates beeping]

[loud cheering]

[imitates beeping]

-[louder cheering]
-Oh.

[imitates beeping]

[loud cheering]

This is so awkward. I won.

[chuckles]

But give them a round of applause.
They did such a good job.

Call me when you're older, Aldair.

-Thank you. Go away.
-[cheering and applause]

You can leave now. Get away.

[exhales]

Well, now I'm single.

So...

Don't worry, guys, okay? Don't worry.

I can handle the responsibility of being
the mother and the father to this baby.

Easy-peasy.

I have been preparing for this moment
my entire life.

I was born holy.

Born the holiest of holes.

And I have proof.

I have been acting like and dressing like
biblical characters my entire life.

I have pictures
from when I was a wee little tot

dressing like every famous
biblical character there ever was.

Look at this.

Here is me as an angel,

me as Moses,

me as mother Mary,

me, the prostitute.

-[laughter]
-See?

Every single biblical character
I have played.

Not only that. Look at this picture.

That's me with the circle around her.

I'm putting on a play in the backyard
with some neighborhood friends.

"What's the play?" you might ask.

The crucifixion of Jesus Christ.

See, there's the cross, right up there.

We're about to kill that little boy,
and I am really ticked off.

Not only did I do plays
and act like a biblical character,

but I also always was very charitable,

and I was very compassionate.

Here, you'll see me being compassionate,
not only towards people, but to animals.

Here, I'm playing with my favorite pet
I ever had.

Right there, Charlie the Fly.

-[laughter]
-Next.

Oh. This is me doing some charity work.

As you can see,
the hardest charity work there is,

hanging out with a girl
with really ugly bangs.

-[laughter]
-So...

That was a tough day for me. Emotional.

Next.

Oh, here's me doing more charity work.

I'm singing for complete strangers
for free.

Look, they love it.

This guy on this end, he's like, "Yaas!"

[laughter]

So... Next.

Oh, this is great 'cause it shows
how everyone has always adored me,

setting me up for a life of being adored
by everyone as the Virgin Miranda.

These boys love me.

They adore me.

They want to be with me so bad,

they can't even keep their shirts on.
[chuckles]

So these are my cousins.

[laughter]

You know, growing up, for me,
was always really easy

'cause I was always
the most popularest girl in school,

president of the drama club,

homecoming queen, prom king,
everything, so...

Being homeschooled is great.

And it really helped prepare me
to become the Virgin Miranda.

But you know what?

I don't want to stand up here
and just brag about how amazing I am.

I need to show you how amazing I am.

So how would you guys like if I did
some charity work for you tonight?

[cheering]

That's what I thought.

I'm gonna give you the best gift
anyone could ever receive

in the entire world.

I'm going to make all of you
internet famous!

[cheering]

That's what I thought.

Now, listen.
I'm gonna do a video for you guys,

so say hello to the internet!

[cheering]

[vocalizing]

♪ Say hello to the internet ♪

[cheering continues]

Hello! We're so famous!

[vocalizing]

There you go, guys.

Wow!

You guys are gonna get so famous
from that.

Millions of people will see that

if I ever choose to post it.

[laughter]

It's crazy.

Oh, shoot. I just realized something.
Oh, no!

I just made you all internet famous,

and that means you guys
are all gonna start getting haters.

It's true!

When you get famous on the internet,
you get tons of haters,

so I need to teach you guys how to deal
with these freaking bullies online, okay?

Because, listen, you could be
minding your own business

and post an innocent little video.

Something like this. Where My Baes At?

A classic music video,

and you could end up
with hate comments like this...

"If she were any more inbred,
she would be a sandwich."

[laughter]

See what I'm saying?

It doesn't end there. Look at this one.

"You suck [beep], go to [beep].

No one likes you, okay,
so stop singing and [beep]."

Okay, listen.
The worst part about this hate mail

is not the fact that they said a bad word,
it's not the fact they told me to go die,

it's the fact that it was written
by a baby!

-[laughter]
-Look at that.

[laughter]

You can't trust babies these days.

Look at this one.

"Ugly piece of [beep].
I hope you [beep]-ing die."

Now, Joe Bob responded to his own comment
and he said,

"Subscribe to me, please."

[laughter]

No, thank you.

See what I'm saying? You're gonna get
hate like this every single day,

and it doesn't matter
what kind of videos you post online.

They hate on all of them.

Look at this incredible video.
The Slurpee Bath video.

This is quality content, folks.

[cheering]

And I got hate on this.

Look at these comments.

"She looks like the type of girl
who would microwave her hamster."

That was one time!

[laughter]

[sighs]

Next.

"What the [beep]
you trying to do to people, dread?

You in some kind [beep]-ing
mad people home?

Lord, have mercy.

Girl, hush your blasty mouth.

Nah. Set-ups.
Only squawk, squawk, squawk, squawk.

You a [beep] parrot. Hush."

Well...

MaddiNawwy is ticked off.

Next.

"You remind me of me. LOL."

Now, at first,
I thought this was a fan mail

until I realized it was from Anus!

[laughter]

I don't want to remind you of an anus.

It's not even the best part of the butt.

[laughter]

Now, the worst hate mail
I ever even gotted

was on one of my most incredible
music videos of all time, Shake It Off.

-This is a classic.
-[cheering]

But I did get hate on it,

and here it is.

"The entire video,

I was wondering how she was covering
her monster size p-word."

Are you kidding me?

I'm circumcised.

[laughter]

Next.

[speaking gibberish rapidly]

"Miranda, I'm little Russian boy
and I say you are slut and ugly."

[speaking gibberish rapidly]

[laughter]

How rude.

Now, listen.

There is one more hate mail
I have to share with you.

It's the perfect example of a hater.

Here it is.

"My dad came in, and I switched to porn
because it was easier to explain."

[laughter]

So frigging wrong.

[groans]

That's the type of hate I deal with
every single day,

and it's the type of hate all of you guys
are gonna have to deal with,

now that you're famous.

But you know what?
I know how to deal with this.

All you've got to do is say,
"Haters, back off."

Let me hear you say it.

[audience] Haters, back off!

Exactly! You say, "Haters, back off,"
to anyone who's bullying you,

anyone who's hating on you.

Your moms, your pets, your carpets,
your uncles. I don't care who it is

'cause you know what?
Nobody bullies my Mirfandas,

except for me.

[cheering]

It's true.

Now, you know what?

I've been doing a lot of incredible things
for you guys tonight,

but now it's time for me to do you
the greatest honor of your lives.

I'm going to baptize you all
in the name of myself.

Are you ready for it?

[cheering]

This is gonna be
an incredible moment for you.

Now, in the church of myself,

how you baptize someone

is you show them all of your talents.

So I'm gonna show you
that I'm not just a triple threat.

I am a five threat.

Acting, singing, dancing,
modeling, magician.

And I'm about to do all five of my talents
on this stage to baptize you all.

The first of many talents
is my modeling abilities.

You guys are about to see me
do the most incredible modeling,

runway walk, fashion show
you've ever seen in your entire life,

so get ready
to have your minds freaking blown.

Get ready for this.

[cheering]

[dance music plays]

[cheering]

[cheering]

[cheering]

♪ Your strip is served ♪

♪ Model, model, model, model ♪

♪ Model, model, model, model ♪

[music ends]

[cheering]

That was incredible.

[exhales] But you guys
are not baptized yet. Oh, no.

I know you probably are feeling
very baptized and holy,

but you won't be baptized and holy
until I do all my talents.

So the next talent is my dancing ability.
Who wants to see that?

[cheering]

Good, 'cause you're about to.

I'm about to blow your minds.

I'm gonna do every trendy, iconic
dance move that has ever been created.

-Hit it!
-[dance music plays]

I'm about to prove
I'm the best dancer in the world.

Get ready!

♪ Dab, dab ♪

♪ Dab, dab ♪

♪ Running man, running man
Run, run, running man ♪

♪ Whip and the nae nae
Whip and the nae nae ♪

♪ Floss, floss ♪

♪ I don't need a dentist
I floss ♪

♪ Shoot, shoot, shoot, shoot ♪

-[record needle scratch]
-[music ends]

Stop. This isn't good enough.

I really need to step it up a notch here
if I'm gonna baptize you guys, okay?

I can't keep doing one talent at a time.
We'll be here forever.

So to finish everything off
and to make sure you are fully baptized,

I'm going to do all of my talents,

the remaining talents I need to do,

at one time.

My acting, my singing, and my magicianry.

Are you ready for this?

[cheering]

Once I do this,

you will all officially be baptized,

and you will be part
of the Holy Church of the Virgin Miranda.

So get ready to have your minds exploded.

But first,
I need the help of my assistant, Patrick.

Welcome him to the stage.

[cheering]

It's all right.

As far as I know,
I still don't have the rights to you,

so just, um, close your eyes
when you're looking at him,

but keep them open when you're looking
at me so that it's like he's not here.

So try that.

All right. So I'm about to do
an incredible magic trick.

This is going to go around my neck
and lock shut.

Patrick is going to take
this very sharp sword.

He's gonna stick it
through my neck, like so,

whilst I am singing,

and it will not affect
my vocal chords at all.

Not only that,

I'm gonna be doing the best acting
you've ever seen in your life

because the best type of music to act to
and to sing to at the same time

is opera music.

So I'm gonna be singing
a famous opera song in Italian.

So get ready to have your minds
freaking blown.

Hit it!

Stick it in me whenever you want,
Patrick.

["O mio babbino caro" plays]

♪ O mio babbino caro ♪

[laughter]

♪ Mi piace è bello ♪

♪ Bello  ♪

♪ A pizza with meatballs and pepperoni
And a sausage ♪

♪ Yo quiero Taco Bell ♪

[laughter]

♪ Mi struggo ♪

♪ E mi tormento ♪

♪ O Dio ♪

[voice falling in and out of tune]

♪ Vorrei ♪

♪ Morir ♪

Aah!

[cheering and applause]

Thank you, guys!
You've been a great audience.

You're all baptized.

Have a great night.

[cheering]

[Colleen] "Why are you a YouTuber?
I'm not a hater. I just hate your vids.

And your voice."

"You look uglier than my ass.
No ofoinse."

"Does she have cancer? 'Cause I don't
want to make fun of her if she does.

She's so effing annoying."

"Your cloths are so ugly.

Maybe you need to go to a model class.
Your cloths look like pajamas.

You don't know what you're wearing.
You look good to you. You look bad to me."

[laughter]

♪ "Roses are red, violets are blue ♪

♪ Pornhub is down
Colleen Ballinger will do" ♪

♪ "Her face is a rip off, so sad" ♪

♪ "Nice fonking forehead" ♪

♪ "Butt..." ♪

[laughter]

♪ "...Head" ♪

♪ "Totally stupid" ♪

♪ "I hatte you with a passion
Thumbs up" ♪

♪ "Her face scarets me
She neds more makeup" ♪

♪ "She has a uniboob" ♪

♪ "I'm pretty sure
Her vagina smells like cat food" ♪

[inhales]

-[Colleen] That one's accurate.
-[laughter]

♪ You might think that I'm hurt
Or I'm feeling abused ♪

♪ But I'm not, I'm getting paid
From your comments and views ♪

♪ So keep the comments coming
But here's some help ♪

♪ Before you go insulting people
Maybe learn how to spell ♪

♪ Dum-da-dum ♪

♪ Dum-da-dum ♪

♪ You sound so dumb, dumb, dumb ♪

♪ You sound so dumb ♪

"What the duck is wrong with her face?

Duck, duck, duck, duck!"

"There are eight-year-olds...

watching this."

"She looks fat but still pretty."

♪ "I think she might be a dude" ♪

♪ "You remind me of a raisin ♪

♪ 'Cause you have wrinkles
And everyone hates you" ♪

♪ "You look like Maranda"
"You look like Mirada" ♪

♪ "Are you Merinda?"
"Are you Amanda?" ♪

♪ "Are you Mirrrinda?"
"Are you Marinade Sings? No ofens " ♪

You know, I'm not a marinade,
so none taken.