Minte-mã frumos în Centrul Vechi (2016) - full transcript

Wait, there's no music.
Wait for the music to start.


- How do I move?
- One, two three.

One... Wait.
Let's do it.

- Do you like it up there?
- Do you?

Look at the beautiful lights.
Do you like them, baby?

- Are you dancing or what?
- I am.

You are a pain in the ass.

One, two three, my woman.

- C'mon! We'll be late for the show.
- So?

- Where is the 8th row?
- Ticket please.

- Yes, here.
- It ends in seven minutes, anyway...

Here it is.

Sorry... my seat is on this row.


Sorry. I'm sorry.

16... this is the seat.

This is my seat... move along.
It ends in seven minutes.

Did you close your phones?


- My Child!
- Father!

Father, you wanted me
to be Dorante's...

Yes, my child!

What the heck is she doing with
the Kleenex in the XVIII century?

- Your daughter is so... happy...
- Happy.

... like she never was before,

What am I hearing?
Are you her Father, Sir?

- Yes, my dear, I am.
- Yes, Dorante...

You entered too early...

- So what? Dorante!
- Get out!

- Dorante!
- Dorante!

Ask a stoker to help you,
if you're on heat.

How dare you, nasty soubrette?

- What did you say?
- How dare you, nasty soubrette?


My child!

- Ladies!
- Silvia, calm down!

Stop sobbing!
You know you're on my seat?

You know that?

16, 15, 14.
So you're on my seats.

Get up. Come on!

Come on. You too.

Calm down.

Who put the sofa here, Father?

Your Mother.

You scarred me!

Congrats, Milady!

You've lost your rank,
but do not despair.

On the contrary,
you still have the Harlequin.

Before knowing who we are,
your dower worth more than yourself.

Now, you worth
more than your dower.

Marquis, let's dance.

- What a nonsense!
- Thank God it's over!

You ruined my career.

Well done...
You left me all alone for applause...

Were there any applause?

Melancholic ones.

Who do you think I saw
in the auditorium?

Mrs. Asaftei.

Was Asaftei in the audience?

That Asaftei snake
was here tonight?

- Yes...
- I'm a dead man. Dead!

Take an anti-Slytherin.

Dear Mr. Freddy,
let me assure you

that this show
is going to be a glorious flop.

And if I'm not the one to tell...

- What have I done wrong to you?
- Who's to blame, me or this idiot?

Don't you remember the class
about the character's motivation?

My character
loves Doru unconsciously.

That's what I felt.

You're not supposed to feel
in this play. You must get laid.

With Alecu, not Doru.

"Get laid"? Watch your language,
noble lady from No Man's Land... Desert.

Or maybe
you want to change the roles.

No, thanks.
You keep the servant roles.

It's your career since college.

I also played the Nanny
in "Romeo and Juliet".

And Doru was Romeo.

Honorable colleagues,
I've thought about it and I've decided.

I'm leaving the show.

How can you do this?

I'm not going to ruin my career
before having one.

Virgil, listen! If you leave,
you'll never play again in one of my plays.

You really think you are going
to direct another play, after this success?

I have a shooting tonight.
Don't wait for me.

Tomorrow at 5 PM we have rehearsals.
Maybe they bring us new pieces of decor.

Yeah, right... two more chairs.

So, who plays Mario,
if Iantu is gone?

I will. I know all the parts anyway.

Asaftei is waiting for you upstairs.

Hold on.
Who asked her to come?

What do you mean? I did.


Didn't you say so:
relatives, acquaintances and press.

She's the only one who came.

The others had food at home.

The quarrel at the end

with Dora and Miss Sexy-Little-Ass,
was it supposed to be that way?

Their games...

Will you give me a ride?

I must leave it here,
I've got a show at Godot.

Some other time.

Hey, bag lady!
What are you doing?

How did you call me?

What is she saying?

If you ever touch me again, I'll rip
your hand off and bang your head with it!

What's this?

Can't you see they're playing?
Let them be.

See what a nice lady?

Keys, money, whatever!

And the papers?

Girls, are you in for a drink?
I've come by car.

I would drink something.

I'm going home. I don't feel well.

Oh, my... such a princess.

Thanks, Alecu, you're sweet,
but I have an appointment.

Just one is enough for you?

I'll give you a lift.

You know what?
Give me a lift to a taxi.

Girls! Hey, girls!

I beg you not to crush me.

The review is already written.

It was written in '68
after a play in Brasov.

- I haven't read it. I wasn't born yet.
- Really?

What's left is to change the names
of the actors and the director.

To write a review today
is no big deal.

The synopsis on three pages,
conclusions in the last paragraph.

I must write
only the last paragraph.

I can crush you
or start your career.

And that's up to what?

Up to you.

- Please.
- Another one?

One before the last, I swear!

Why does everybody call you...

On the poster, you are...

Small Fir, Little Fir.
Dascalu. Little Fir.

When you write the review,
please name me Freddy.

- Little Fir... doesn't sound good.
- Thank you.




Please tell the boy in Harlequin's role
to contact me. We need to talk.

I see a bright future for him.



Alecu. His father financed the play.

That's what I heard.

I got it...

Where will you write the review?

On my blog.

Does it get traffic?

Of influence, cutie...

OK? Traffic of influence.

Much better.

The last before I go.

If after such a flop,

you don't have
whom to get drunk with,

the Romanian theatre
is on the verge of falling apart.

Thanks. You're nice.




I was thinking
I could come upstairs.

I don't think so.


- Ouch... I hurt my finger.
- What?

Can I come upstairs? Maybe
you have a band-aid or something.

There's a drugstore
across the street.

- Where?
- That way.

- Bye.
- Bye.

Is this for me, kitty?


What do I get you?

- A Coke... light.
- Light?

Here you go.

Do you know the guy behind you?

There are three kinds
of giving birth.

1. Spontaneous.

When the wife gives birth
one month after the wedding.

- Tell me about it!
- There you go.

2. Late.

When the wife gives birth
two years after the death of the husband.

3. Extra-uterine.
When the maid gives birth.

So when you find out
you're going to be a father,

choose the forth one.

Brother Jack...



What is it? What?

You're wearing
the whole lipstick again!

I don't even wear lipstick.

I promised to tell you the truth,
so I'm telling it.

By the way...

By the way what?

What would you say if...

... if I tell you I'm pregnant?

I'd say
it's too early for bad jokes.

It was a joke, right?

- Was it a joke?
- Of course it was!

And wear something decent.
We're not going to the gym.

We meet with a client.

What are you doing? Drawing?

Give up drawing and start eating.

We're gonna be late, eat your tit-bits.
If not, the seal will.

Hey, what are you doing?
On my wedding dress?


I've decided to sell it.
I want to buy a mixer.

If you find a six months
pregnant bride, sell it.

Come on... nobody forced you!

Anyway... if I marry again,
I'll marry an actor.

- Why?
- To tell me sweet lies.

You don't even lie to me anymore.

How can you tell?

Hello, yes,
this is Claudius Call Center.

- Cloud You.
- Claudius.

- No. Cloud You. Cloud in the sky.
- Yes, Claudius.

What did I say?
Claudius Call Center. I've said Claudius.

- Fuck you.
- Fuck you.

- You're a waste.
- No, you are.

Yes, please. Veronica here.
How can I help you?

You're the one
I spoke yesterday?

- What is the matter?
- My site.

I told you yesterday.
It's me, Chrysa.

It's Chrysa, the one with the flower shop.
It's working!

Where is Doru?
It's 10 o'clock and...

He's a waste.

A waste.

Right away, madam.
I'll transfer you to my colleague.

OK. I'll wait.
I can't believe this.

Hello, Panseluta speaking.

Hello. I talked to you yesterday...
It's me, Chrysa.

- Yes, please.
- I called you about the site.

- Isn't the problem solved yet?
- Who the hell to solve it?

Nobody came.
I'm desperate, don't you understand?

The intervention team didn't come?
They left on their way one hour ago.

I'm worried about them.
Maybe something happened.

Come on, Miss...
why are you laughing? I'm desperate.

Can't you see I need you?
It's unbearable...

Forgive me,
but this is not possible.

We've talked on the phone
and I told you.

We are sorry.

You might be sorry,
but it's useless. I'm desperate.

I am Dora,
he is Doru, our specialist.

Nice to meet you.

I can't believe this.
Wait a second.

I know you. I know the gentleman.
I know him very well.

From the spray commercial?

Very bad commercial.

- It's you, isn't it?
- No, ma'am, I am someone else.

Really? Look at me a little bit.

I am someone else.

Really? Sorry.
You really look alike.

Everybody mistakes me for him.

Excuse me. I'm nervous today.

Well, I wanted to keep up
with times.

I asked someone to build me
an online shop...

- Black Tulip. You've heard of it?
- Yes.

You did?

Where will you take me
for New Year's Eve?

There are lots of places to go,
but no money.

- Well, why don't we?
- Because you forbid me to hack.

I forbid you? Go hack.

Hack today, hack tomorrow...
just let me know.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Do you think my eyes
are bulb-shaped?

Who says it?

Just asking...

Madam Chrysa, you've been
the victim of an informatic assault.

- Me?
- Yes.

This is the worse hacker
in Romania.

First a warning assault,
then he asks for a protection fee.

To me?

If you pay, fine. If you don't,
he breaks your hardware.

What do you mean he breaks it?
I paid for it.

Did he contact you?

What do you mean, contact me? No!

- That's the way he acts.
- How?

He waits for you to despair, then...

- Good God.
- ... he contacts you.

If my associate finds out,
he'll kill me. I'm desperate.

Can't we help the lady...?

I can help you this time, but next time
there will be nothing I can do.

We can install
our protection software.

If the lady wants to move the site
on our server for a minimal monthly fee...

- This is the contract.
- OK. Just a sec...

How much must I pay
for you to protect me?

The unblocking operation
has a separate fee.

And how much is it?


That little?


That much?


You used to like roses.

Are these white?

No, they're not white,
they're mauve.

So, they are not white.

They're not, they're mauve.
What's the problem?

It's long since you brought me roses.
How can you tell what I like?

What's the bug?
They're still flowers.

They are not white.

Where did you sleep last night?

What's your problem?

- Say what?
- What's your problem?

I slept at Alecu's.

The shooting finished late and I slept
at his place. What's the problem?

- At Alecu's?
- Yeah. At Alecu's.


- Bye, Daddy. We're going in the park.
- Bye, Daddy.

I want Daddy.

I want him too,
but he doesn't have time for us.

Is this a hint?

No. I'm telling it
straight in your face.

Oh, my...
Our godchildren are here.

They argued again.

We'll be their godparents
when pigs shall fly.

Come in.

Do you want to take this with you?
Then carry it!

My bag is full of dolls.
Carry it!

Hello! How are you, lovebirds?

We're fine...

- Are those for me?
- Hey.

- For you.
- Thanks!


What's that? The contract?

And the unblocking fee?

We invested in the theatre play.
Cut it off from the salary.

Consider it a gift.

Why don't you have any kids?

They don't
because they're not married yet.

When mister is going to propose to miss,
they'll make a baby.

And guess who is going to be
their godmother?

- I will
- No. I will.

Both of you.

Why don't you marry Dora?
She's very beautiful.

Alright... park time!

We are going to the park.
If you don't have anything better to do...

I don't.

How are you, man?

- Fine.
- Hey, not on the monitor.

What's up? What's itching you?

She's too annoying. Something
bothers her all the time.

You're the one keeping her
in the puzzle.

It's time not to keep her anymore.

Do I look like a married man?

Do I?
More exactly, did I use to?

I lost weight,
I left my sideburns grow.

You know what my dream
used to be?

To be forever single, like my Dad.
Women, parties...

Your body shape didn't help?

Too bad,
my imaginations works great.

If we were in America,
I would've been a porn scriptwriter.

She will find another one.

It will be...

I don't know how to do it,
'cause I don't want to hurt her.

How thoughtful of you...

I'm trying to make her
breakup with me.

Do you need a script?

Why didn't you try it with Oana?

Because Oana tricked me.

She made me a kid
and bang: game over.

Doris, please get out of there.

They are going to hit you
with the swing.

There's no point
in me talking to this kid.

- Give her some space.
- Sure...

- Look how cute she is.
- Extremely cute.

Don't you want to take her home?

For one day maybe, but for two weeks...
she'd eat you alive.

Would you leave her with me?

Leave her with you? You can't
take care of yourself, but Doris...

Bravo, Doris. That's more like it.

Listen, what was the thing
with those two last night?

I took money from a loan shark
and I couldn't give it back.

How much?

3,000 and I signed they gave me
6,000 for the motorcycle.

All legal. Selling pre-agreement
signed at the notary.

What did you do with the money?

Do you have 6,000 around?

Cash... no.
Since I've stopped hacking, I'm low.

Thank God I have those cars
on the street...

The kid, the family.

You have responsibilities,
you'll see.

I don't care,
I want my motorcycle back.

I'm a waste, I don't have any.
It's a lot.

Hold on... I'm stupid.
I have the van I gave you today.

I'll put it on the site.

I can get 8,000. I give you 6,000
and get 2,000 for me, isn't that OK?

Toni, I need 6,000 Euros.


Are you crazy?
Get out of here! 6,000 Euros?

These are Megabits
you're you talking about?

I can't believe this.
Let me refresh a bit.

Do you here yourself?
6,000 is... I don't know...

Do you know
a trustworthy gynecologist?

Really? Don't tell me...

I've already bought the present.

What month?

It's just a routine check.

I've got a great medic.
The one I gave birth with.

And I must tell you
he's got pianist fingers.

Mr. Bebita... I do recommend him.

- Does Doru know?
- Know what?

That you're having a routine check?

No, he doesn't
and he doesn't need to.

What do you mean?
This is not a joke.

You'll wait a little, won't you?

Until the 4th month.

No. I've got nothing to wait for.

Doris, where are you?
Please stop leaving without telling me.

This kid is killing me.

When I don't see her,
my heart stops.

But I terribly love her.

OK, I got it, "next to the park",
but where exactly?

- Next to the kids' playground.
- Wait a sec.

Look up. Hello.

Walk strait, turn left,
and it's the first door.

OK. What apartment?

It's the only apartment
on the floor.

You paid some good money on this.

Thank God for my folks.

If they wanna brag about their son,
actor in Bucharest, they must pay.

- Out of what?
- Out of garbage.

They have also a security services company.
If you're in need, you call me and...

Then I don't understand
why you studied drama.

- Didn't I tell you?
- No.

Because I'm not good at anything.

By the way...

... how much do I owe you?

You don't know?

I lost count.
I wrote it down, but...

I know precisely. 3,200 Euros.

It's not much, in a month or two...

- You want to give it back?
- No.

I mean, I'll start paying back as soon
as I get the money from the commercial.

So you need more.

On what do you spend your money?

You've got 1,000 jobs,
you act in all kind of plays...

I've got my own stuff.


Dora... she's the least expensive.

How much?


No. How much do you want?




- I'll give it back, I swear.
- I know...

Next week you'll need more and...

Here's what I say...

We'll forget about those 3,200.


And I'll give you 3,000 more
as a gift.

This gift... doesn't have a price?

Come on, say it.

You break up with Dora.

You do know
this girl loves me, right?

4,000, so she won't love you?

You mean to break her heart?

I have no clue.

Plus 2,000 for moral prejudice.

I'm gonna suffer.

OK. 6,000.

Come on, I'm lazy, but not stupid.

I need to see the scene
when you break up with her.


You're really leaving?

Are you afraid I'll change my mind?

What a sure answer.

But everything's so childish.


If he goes away...

If he goes away, I'll stop
loving him and I'll never marry him.

How is it?

What line is next?

It seems like he stops.

It seems like he stops.

He dreams.

He dreams.

What's this?

- What do you mean?
- What's this?

Freddy, what's this?

You have the phrasing of a 10 year-old
and you don't even remember the lines.

The week before the opening!

- What's your problem?
- Kitty, please.

- This is unbelievable.
- Doru, please!

Dora had a blank
because you should have left the stage.

No, I had a blank
because he's stupid!

- Say what?
- She's right. You are.

What did you say, skinny?

What did you say?

- Get off me!
- What did you say?


If I hit you, you'll play
only hunchbacks all your life.

You, short fuck!

The pregnancy is about 6 weeks old.

Does the father know?

Or you don't know
who the father is...

Whatever, it's not my problem.

I can do the abortion
even tomorrow.

I can't,
I have an opening show on Friday.

You're an actress.

- Yes.
- I haven't been to the theatre in ages.

I do abortions

only until 4 months,
3 weeks and 2 days.

Later than that is risky.

I can handle this, thanks.

You'll get the part.

- You'll get the part.
- Where you the last?

- I hope I was the first. You were great.
- You too!

You too!
I have to hurry up to another casting.

What casting?
For the zoo?

No. It's a movie
with Jean-Claude Van Damme.

I say my line, he says his punch...

That's more like it.

- You've got something to tell me?
- Not really, but I'll walk you out.

Congrats, girls!
Girls, are you all here?

Were you at the casting?


Lucy, you were selected.

You were all great, perfect.
Thanks a lot!

Dora, Lucy really looks better on camera
with Doru, there's nothing I can do.

See you at rehearsals, OK?

Come on, Lucy,
let me give you the script, hurry up.

- You really were at this casting?
- Yes.

What's this?


You know I don't like half measures
when we're talking about art,

especially when
we're talking about commercials.

You're lucky that I've seen a pair
of leather pants that I desperately want.

Here is the text.

You know, I could've paid you in other
way if you weren't desperate for some pants.

- Lucy...
- Freddy.

Lucy, stop it.

Lucy, I dislike it.

- You'll like it. You'll get used to it.
- Lucy.

Lucy. Lucy! Rape!

Don't be upset, a serious actress
won't appear in commercials.

1. I do not respect myself.

And 2?

I really needed that money.

I can lend you some.

No, thanks. I can manage.

I don't like being in debt.

Do you like kids?

Of others.


Where does Doru sleep
when he stays at your place?

In the closet.

Doru, at my place?
Is this a night hospice or what?

He never slept here.

I thought you're calling yourself
a lazy boy.


Meaning you're taking it slowly.

Yeah. Lazy means
I'm taking it slowly.

And taking it slowly
means you're not rushing things.

That's the thing.

Now we're gonna have
better chemistry on the stage.

Off course, after so much physics...


That stiff twat
doesn't give you pussy?

How do you know?

From how quick you are.

With Dora I have something serious,
not just sex.

And what is sex, if not serious?
Just a hobby?


- Do you have time for another round?
- Of course.

You already said
how quick I am.

Hello, Marcel.

I've got the money.



It's fine. No problem.

Dora came by.
Wonderful girl.

She's worth every penny.
You have no idea what you've lost.

Did you get laid?

What? I can't hear you.

Tell me, you idiot,
did you get laid?

No, really. I can't hear you.

Are your feelings for me...

Are your feelings...

Are your feelings for...

Are your feelings for me...

Are your feelings for me real?

Do you love me that much?

Do you love me that much?

I would lose
any other arrangement...

... just to bond my destiny
with yours.

Are you OK?


What are you doing?

That's yours.

Clearing out the place.

What happened this time?

You're asking me?

Where are my slippers?
Where did you put them?

- You're the one who's pissed?
- Yes.

Maybe I've got reasons.

- What reason? I forgot a line. That's it?
- Yes. That's a reason.

Please stop.
I don't understand a thing.

I love you.

And I forgive you.

You mustn't make any pauses
during a monologue.

You'd better learn that text, you'll make
a fool out of yourself at the premiere.

Salaam Alaykum.

What is our play about?

We don't know.
You tell us, we couldn't get it.


Sir Orgon decides
to marry his daughter,

Silvia, with Dorante,

the son of a nobleman
from another town.

Only that Silvia wants
to test Dorante.

So she changes clothes with Lissette,
the maid.

- Soubrette.
- Whatever.

Dorante has exactly the same idea.

So he changes clothes with Harlequin,
the servant.

The Valet.


It's obvious that Silvia
falls in love with Dorante,

and so does Lissete with Harlequin.
So common, you'd better beat your children.

Why should you beat them?

It's better not to make them.

So what should we do?

What we can do...
a big success, right?

For this we must do something
out of the ordinary, revolutionary.

I am against.
It's a classical, we can't spoil it.

My darling, the text is just a pretext.
We keep the text and change the couples.

I've thought about it.
Silvia will hook up with Harlequin.

- Agreed?
- We already did that.

Dorante will hook up with Mario.
That would be me. OK? Good.

And Sir Orgon will hook up...
with Lissette.

Bravo! This is a really good idea.
I'm all for it.

Freddy, I've got a genius one.
Listen to me.

If you want to make a big scandal,
the couples should be like this:

Silvia with Lissette, Dorante with Harlequin
and Sir Orgon with his son.

Freddy, listen to me,
and you'll take all the awards.

Antonio, cutie,
stop watching Arte channel.

Go prompt the text.

I'm an actor and I do what the director says,
but don't hook me up me with Alecu.

But why not? What's wrong?

My place or yours?


You're late, Doru.
I almost marked you as absent.

Greetings, Mr. Viorel.


Are you gonna play
or you don't have enough dough?

- Is Marcel around?
- Nope.

I'm here.

I'll be there in one hour.
I'm stuck in traffic. Bye.

You're on?


You got a part in a movie?


Leading role. Romantic comedy.

Good luck.

We know who we're dealing with.

Wanna bet
he spends it all in one hour?

I won't, 'cause I'm gonna lose.

What are you doing?

What am I doing?

You fucking bitch!

It's a little too hot
for your balls, huh?

What's wrong?
Did you lose everything?


I was caught in traffic, there was
a police a raid. That's why I'm late.

So, let's go get your bike.

Don't be a child.
You don't want it anymore?

I ain't got the money.

Stop joking. Let's go.

- Let's go.
- I don't have the money.

So I came for no reason?

What do I tell Mr. Marlon?

You lost every penny? All of it?


Good job!

You must be really stupid.

Listen to me carefully.

This is just because we're friends.

I'll give you something
to get you back on track.

But give me something as collateral.

What will you give me?


You're a funny guy...
Come on, tell me what you can give me.


Kid, you are worthless, OK?

You're a loser. If tomorrow you don't
have the money, I'll sell your bike.

Got it?

I'm talking to you, look at me.

And a piece of advice. Give up gambling,
'cause you're out of luck.

Maybe you're lucky in love.


Check this out.
A beauty on eBay.

- 6,000. Gorgeous!
- Fuck me!

At this price
it will be sold until tonight.

Why don't you buy it?

With what money?

You borrow some.

Are you nuts?

You borrow some
for three hours only.

Go on...

You pay it on-line.
You give them the payment order.

You take back the bike
and return the loan.

Toni... you've seen these guys.

Yes, they are bad.

Very bad.

So what?

- You won't get me in trouble, will you?
- Not at all.

You got yourself in trouble,
I'm the one getting you out.

Tell me: you want it or not?

A real beauty she is.

Do you trust me?

Like I do with any other man.

So can you borrow me
6,000 till tonight?


- Did you get Dora pregnant?
- Come on! Knock on wood.

You knock on wood.

Can you help me?

Smells like bullshit.

- Do you trust me or not?
- I don't.

But I'm gonna give it to you.

Just to take me for a fool.

Did I ever say something like this?

Maybe I thought about it,
but I never said it.

I don't have that much money
in my house.

I've got a bracelet,
if you want to pawn it.

Then give me a bracelet.

This is it.
Be careful, it has diamonds.

My father paid 10,000 for it.
He bought it from Monte Carlo.

He's a gambler?

No, he's a lawyer.

Thanks a lot!

- Doru!
- Yeah?

You won't lose my bracelet, right?

You know what they say,
"Easy come, easy go".

Fuck "easy come, easy go". Bring back
the bracelet. My father will kill me!

Kisses. See you at the rehearsals.

- Say something.
- Something.

- Something.
- What?

I can't here you.
Hold on.

Hold still.

Let me see the camera. Hold on.

That's not good.
I'm afraid they'll see it.

Hold your hair.

You look like a poodle.

That's it. Turn around.

So... listen to me.

When he types the password,

you will politely turn your back around,
so you can't see. But I will.

Here is the payment order.

Show it to the boys
to prove everything is right.

This is the house.

Number 13.


Are you sure this is a good idea?

Do you have a better one?

I'm ringing.

Good luck.

What's up?

I came for the bike.

No shit?

I've got the money.

Are you OK?

Hold on. Wait a minute.

If you wanna seem a nice guy
and please the Boss, give this to him.

He likes to get flowers.

I don't know why, but he does.


- Doru?
- Doru.

Doru, the actor.

Mister Marlon.

You're not doing it right.
Doru, the actor, and me...?

Mister Marlon,
Romanian philanthropist.


So, you've got the money?


Oh, you shouldn't have.

I already made the payment.

OK. I forgive you.

Marcel, come see if this is OK.
You know I don't have my glasses.

So, Doru, the actor

transferred in the account of...
the amount of 27,000.

I've round it up.

What did you do?

I've round it up.


So you won't lose
when you make the exchange.

Oh, good! Smart boy, the actor.

I like him. Fine dude!

Check it up, Marcel.

Smart guys these actors...


Come on, turn around.


Come on...

Marcel, you type it.
I don't have my glasses.

Irish, how is the barbeque
coming along?

What about
making it sushi, Marlon?

Carp sushi?
I'm surrounded by amateurs!

"I love Mum."

The cash is in.

- It's in?
- Yes.

- You say it's in?
- Yeah.


You know what I don't get?

Where do you know my account?


- From the site.
- What site?

The one with the selling offer.

- Did we do that?
- Yes.

Sit down.

Starting when we put offers
on the Internet?

- Since we've put Chrysa on the Internet.
- What did we do?

- We've put Chrysa on the Internet.
- My aunt got on the Internet?

- Yes. Not her, the flower shop.
- Good.

Didn't you say you want
to laundry some money?

I've put the motorcycle,
so we can cash some.

Congrats, you're smart.

Good job.

You know what?
Give him the keys and the papers.

We've got nothing else to do.

Get up.

So... we are honorable men,
unlike the banks.

Remember what I'm telling you.

Go. Get on your way.

The flowers!

Hey! My gift?

Now let's see
who's got frog-eyes.

- That can't be right.
- What?

The cash is gone.

Say what?

The cash is gone.

What do you mean?

Three minutes ago it was in the account.
Now it's not.

Who took it?

You took it.

You did with the credit card.

- I did?
- Yes.

- I took it...
- Yes.

Marcel, I'm asking you one more time.
Who took it?

- You did.
- You fucking piece of shit!

Run after him.

- After a Ducati? With what?
- With your feet. Move!

Sorry, do you have a light?

I think you should quit smoking.

- It's tight here and here.
- That's because you're fat.

If you eat sweets before the premiere,
what can I do?

Oh... Undress!
I have a piece of fabric left to extend it.

- Hello.
- Hey, Doru!

Is it the one I gave to you?

Come on...

And the interest?


Why not?


Yes, nanny.



Have you given more thought
about my proposal?

Are you changing your mind?

After a night of erotic dreams
with Mister Chirita?

Oh, but the way
I've dreamt of you Miss...

On top... On top of any dream.

What a night!

- I have a more brilliant idea.
- Another one?

We do the real play.

Exactly the way Marivaux wrote it.

That's brilliant! This has only been done
before the Revolution.

It will be a mass-media scandal.

The first director that stages a play
exactly the way it was written.


I told you this from the beginning,

though nor the idea to hook me up
with Lucica was not a bad one.

So, from the beginning.

Lights are ready?




Close the doors.

1st act, 1st scene.

Hello? This is Dora, the actress.

Yes, the one with the premiere
and the abortion.

I want to know
if it's possible on Monday.

I don't know. 9:30 AM?

Yes? OK. Thank you.

All right, I'll leave the invitation
at the entrance.

Thank you. Goodbye.

Let's check the teeth.

White and beautiful
like little stones. Good.

And now let's go to sleep.

Come on, Doris.
Listen to Mom. Please!

You want to keep me up all night?

Ok. We'll watch TV a little bit.

- And the story?
- What story?

- The story...
- No. You want to stay up till 12:00 PM?

It's either TV or the story,
please choose.

We'll do like this...

We'll watch TV
and then you'll tell me a story, OK?

- OK... let's go.
- Ring!

Who is the douchebag
that rings at this hour?

Oh, Doru, the godson.

Doru, we were just going to bed.

Say goodnight,
then we're going to sleep.

If you leave before we get out of the room,
we're already saying goodbye to you.

Let's go.

Oh, you were the slippers thief.

I've been looking for them
the entire evening.

Go to sleep!

What have you done?

What have you done to me?

- What have you done to me?
- What?

Marcel called.

If I don't bring him 20,000
by tomorrow, he'll cut my throat.

What have you done?

- What have you done?
- They have no proof.

Are you stupid?
Do you think they need any proof?

These are loan sharks.

Loan sharks!
And they'll cut my throat.

And then
the wolf took a breath and said:

"I'll huff and I'll puff
and I'll blow your house down."

I'm in deep shit.

- I'm in very deep shit.
- You're in deep shit? You?

I am in deep shit.
I've got a family and a kid.

And I'll leave her an orphan
if they cut my throat.

You've got yourself into shit.

Where does all your money go?

You don't drink, you don't smoke.

Women are rather paying you.

You are not gambling.
Where does all your money go?

Slot machine.

Slot machine! How much
can you lose on slot machines?



The bike is there.

Another 6,000
from a colleague is there.

- Another 6,000?
- Yes.

No! Whatever. Those aren't
a debt 'cause I sold Dora.

To whom? What?
What do you mean?

A colleague of mine who loves
her for a very long time...

I wanted to break up with her anyway,
to cut her loose out of this shit.

So I thought...

So you thought
you can make some money out of it.

Got it.

No, you douchebag,
I took advantage.

Like an asshole, like a jerk.
That's what I did. Got it?

That's a pity.

You were beautiful together.

I know what to do.


James Dean style.
150 miles per hour.

Why not do it like a human being?
Jump out the window from the first floor.

Maybe you'll get a stick in your ass
and you'll think straight.

Really now.

You, lovebird...

How much did you hear?

Starting with the part
that he sold Dora to some guy.

What an asshole!

Said he wanted to protect her.

Yeah, right.
Better off, than this.

When you think
she might also be pregnant.


I want you to know
that I'm going to tell her.

Yes, Mother, I'm drunk.

Yes, Mother, I'm drunk.

You're drunk.


He's an asshole.

He sold you for 6,000 Euros.

Do you still love him now?

And if you're pregnant,
lose the baby

and be thankful
'cause the bullet went right next to you.

Do you hate me?

You may, but I'm your godmother
and I've got this responsibility.

You know
what he needed the money for?

You still love him? What does it matter
what for? He sold you!

Maybe he needs it for a surgery.

Come on, girl!
Are you stupid?

You really are stupid.
Now I'm sorry I've come.

But since I've come,
let's sort things out.

I wanted to spare you the details,
but I don't want to take that responsibility.

- What responsibility?
- This responsibility.

Doru is addicted to slot machines.

That's where he lost the money
he sold you for.

Do you still love him?

That means he's sick.

You are.

Incurable. Good night.

Don't forget...
Tomorrow is the premiere.

When I think I must see
that loser at the premiere,

I feel I'm losing my mind.

Somebody else?
Shall I tell you?

Because otherwise
they'd fall right in the boat.

Good one.

What are you doing here?

You have an opening show tomorrow.

We both have.

Since when do you care
about me?

I care about me.

Do you have anything to tell me?

Like what?

Like you've never slept
at Alecu's.

No, I didn't.

That's all?

You want to know where I go?


I go to slot machines.
That's where I lose my nights. Satisfied?

No. I only feel pity for you.

What kind of a man are you
if you can't quit?

The kind of man you don't need.

- How do you know what I need?
- I do.

You need a man like Alecu, one who
you can rely on, know where he is...

One who has imagination.

- Imagination?
- Yes. Imagination.

If you lack imagination, then...


Forget about me, OK?

Forget about me.

- I'm a loser.
- You're not.

- I'm the biggest loser.
- You're not.

I'm the biggest loser. Stop telling me
what I am and what I'm not, OK?


I can't go on like this, without sleep,
with thousands of small parts and jobs.

I can't take it anymore.

Let's go home.

Let's go home!

Why not?

I'm afraid
we'll go too far with this

and you're not going to be OK
at the premiere.

Just because of this?


Learn your part by heart.


I want to take Doris
to your mother, OK?

- Yes, my little cream puff.
- I'll see you at the theatre, OK?

- Mommy!
- What?

When was the last time
you made a cream puff for me?

If you're good,
I'll make some at his mother's...

- You mean at "grandma's"!
- At his mother's.

Yeah, it's been a while
since Mommy made cream puff,

or brownies, or snow-whites...

Hope you're not coming
dressed like this.

No, I shall wear double-toe-loop
with G-string...

C'mon, do not embarrass me,


I know you'll come poorly dressed.

- Come on, Doris, your mum is in a hurry.
- Let's go, Doris, let's go!

Come on!

- Come on, my baby.
- Who's kissing dad?

- Take this one too.
- May I kiss mom too?

Kiss mom too. Dad will kiss mom
at the theater if he's not gonna be late.

- Let's go. Bye.
- Kisses. Bye.

See you there.


You fucking Fatboy, stop!

You can kiss my ass!

Stop, you fucking piece of shit!

Where the fuck did he go?

Where's that mother fucker?

Check on that side.

- Where the hell did he go?
- He's not here.

You stinking fat canister...

You piece of shit, stop!

Fucking piece of...


Fatboy, open up!

Say 'hello' to my little friend!

Yo, Fatboy!

Yo, Fatboy,
open up or you'll burn like a rat!

You fucking frog-face!

Who are you calling a frog-face?

Mother fucking half-wit.

Just watch this,
you fucking piece of shit!

You slimy pig...
Take cover, go, go!

What the...?

- Fatboy, are you still alive in there?
- Hey, let me see!

Make way, make way!

Come on, lady,
make way, come on!

Good job, Marlon!

There you go, Chrysa!

Good evening! Is the premiere here?

Where is the premiere?

Where is the theater hall?

The loge? Where's the loge?

The official loge... we are sponsors!

With the flowers...

He's going to the theater
to meet that scum, Doru.

We should do him
before he gets to the theater.

There are lots of people
and I'm camera-shy.

- You're what?
- Camera-shy.

Hey, fluffy one, are you alone?

Wanna make a selfie with us?
So we can get lucky?

Did you catch a cold?

Well, if you are walking out
in flip-flops...

What's the story, little dove, eh?

Wanna take me
or should I take you for a round?

I can see now, my child, why
you are so anxious of this marriage.

since you do not know Dorante.


Father, may I dare to ask you something
that would comfort me completely?

Speak, my child, speak!
And, if it's possible, I will agree.

Only the most kind of all people
can talk like this!

Dorante will arrive today.

Do you know the joke
with the Romans?

They had spears, but sucked...

- You gotta be kidding me!
- The bride has been stolen.

Lisette could take my place
for a while and I could take hers.

Why not?

Beat it!

Oh, Sir! I cannot stop this boy
from kneeling in front of me!

You two are getting along very good!

Lissette, we must talk!

You, stupid!

With your permission, sir,
I shall take my leave!

Yes, go, go on your way
and make efforts

in the future to speak
more positively...

I did not expect
to come out so good.

Hold your horses!

Who's dancing around the pillow,
Sweet-heart, sweet-heart,

Also kiss the lips to follow,
Sweet-heart, sweet-heart,

Put the pillow on the floor,
Sweet-heart, sweet-heart,

And kiss like you mean it,
Sweet-heart, sweet-heart,

Who's dancing around the pillow,
Sweet-heart, sweet-heart,

Also kiss the lips to follow,

Hi, guys!

Hi... guys!

Here's where he entered!

Get him!

Let's not risk it! Let's wait.
There may be more exits...

Who's dancing around the pillow,
Sweet-heart, sweet-heart,

Also kiss the lips to follow,
Sweet-heart, sweet-heart,

Put the pillow on the floor,
Sweet-heart, sweet-heart...

Hey! We caught you!

Let's go, let's go!

Through the back!

What are you doing here?
Are you threatening us?

- She has a knife!
- Catch her!

C'mon, use you knife!

I told you
there are more than one exits!

- Well... where is he?
- Are you asking me?

There he is!

Stop, you fucking piece of...

Fucking shit...

Look at your daughter, who is listening
to your will with so much gratitude!

How? You, Sir, are her father?


Yes, Dorante, you love me,
I have no doubt!

More than this,
I have nothing else to say.




Maybe only the fact
that I am pregnant...

You have barely met, isn't it?!

Hello, hello!

What's up, fat canister?

Put down the knife!

With whom, with him?

With me?

- Don't fuck with me, I'll jump!
- Jump, you fucking moron!

I'll be damned!

What the hell are you doing here?
What are you doing here?

Excuse me, but... I have two loan sharks
on my tail... and I don't know what to do!

Well... improvise something!

Toni! What are you doing, where
have you been? I waited for you!

Don't worry,
we'll talk when we get home!

I am sorry for disturbing your home,
but don't worry.

I have not been idle
since I left you unmarried,

I gave birth to two children
as a young housemaid!

- Oh, Antoinette!
- Yes!

Is it really possible?
You are so well preserved!

I am so glad you are remembering me,
after 30 years!

Oh, my dear, my dear,
a night with you can never be forgotten!

There have been several...

Then I shall never ever forget!


- Who the fuck is this guy?
- But what have I heard, young princess?

You are already...

You are not yet wedded
and you are already pregnant?

Indeed, the apple doesn't fall
too far from the tree...

- Is it?
- Yes.

And this pedigree calf
does not want to take you as his wife?

Isn't it?

I... I just found out.
And I don't know if it's true.

It's true, she's in her 6th week.
On Monday she's scheduled for abortion!

Are you from the audience
or from the play?

No, he is for real,
he is my gynecologist, Mr. Bebita.

He has such fine fingers...
like a pianist!

If you ever need some...
he's the best!

He played on your piano?!?

He's the one
who puts you out of tune?

I'll show you
when we get home!

Hey, hey, hey!

And you, young sir,
want to duel?

When the honor of a lady is at stake,
there I show up!

Your demand, Marquis!

I am a Countess!

Excuse me, Countess,
I have mistook you!

And what about me?

You should be happy, milady,
you have lost your noble rank,

but you're not so unfortunate,
since you have Harlequin!

Oh, very fine comfort...
you are the only winner out of this!

Indeed, I am not losing.

Before we knew who we are,
your dowry was worth more than you.

Now you are worth
more than your dowry.

Let us dance, Marquis!

Drop the curtain!

What are you doing here?

I'm on the poster...
so, I'm taking over my role!

Kinda' late, bro!

Applaud, bitch!

Those flowers are from me!

- Hey, let's put some crackers!
- Yeah, I'll do it!

Have no doubt...

Have no doubt, it was a triumph!

Bravo! Here.

Long live the theater!

Who were those theater lovers...
those with short haircuts?

Some people of fine taste!

Dora, your improvisation
was very good!

- How long have you been rehearsing it?
- Yeah, for six weeks!

This is what I call
to get the play across the footlights!

- Bravo!
- Thank you.

Your improvisation was very good!

- You think so? Champaign?
- Why haven't you told me?

Well... didn't you say
you don't like children?

I don't like other's children...

Did you really have an appointment
on Monday?

- Toni!
- Oana!

My sweet little éclair!

You! If I knew you were so talented,

I would've let you more often
to make a fool of yourself!

I didn't know either
that I am so... talented!

Your whistle inhibits me...

You didn't like it? Wanna be
the only one who draws attention?

The public should also see me!

What have you done?
You came in flip-flops,

you could have taken
high heel shoes.

- If you only knew what I have been through.
- What have you been through?

Leave me alone!

Hey, Freddy, what are you doing?
Asaftei is waiting for you upstairs.

Let her wait!

Oh, such stupidity...

Mr. Little Fir, if you don't want
your ass kicked, don't be a smartass.

Whisky, please!

To be honest, I was surprised!

Thank you!

The idea with the people intervening
from the audience

and the part with the abortions...
it was great!

I wanted to give the play
a modern touch.

But I will not write the review
until I see the second show,

to make sure
it's also that good.

You know what?
Nobody reads your reviews, never...

Never, nowhere!

And I don't give a shit
about your opinion!

With all due respect!

This is also
part of the play...

I didn't invite this lady!

You drunkard!

This is something...

So we have three double whiskeys,

a gin and tonic
and a vodka with melon juice...

You also have here the receipt...

You are also
part of the play, right?

What should I do with this?

Good evening! Chief inspector Columbeanu.
Petrica Columbeanu.

No, lady, you shouldn't clap yet.

You are accused of trafficking influence,
encouraging tax evasion...

... and assaulting an officer.

Please follow me.

You are also
part of the play...

Tonight you'll meet
the greatest love of your life.

Watch out not to miss it.

You, as well,
are part of the play.

Please, follow me.

I'm part of the play too!

- Good evening! I'm Marlon.
- Good evening! Nice meeting you!

You are also part of the play...

Take it easy, bro!

Easy, easy...

Oh, my goodness,
what a wonderful show!

Don't you want to come up?

I have a stand-up comedy.

Today also?

Good night, then.

Good night!

You still have the keys, right?


That's why I pretend to be gay,
to build more easy a career.

Freddy, you talk too much,
boy, way too much.


We must compensate
the lost time.

Will you please not call me Freddy,
call me Little Fir.

- Little Fir?
- Make me feel a man.

You're very good, man.

- You're very good!
- What's up?

I swear.

I'm in the middle of the show.

Doru, you're better
then that alive statue.

Come on, these people paid.
Please, sit down.

So what? Everybody out!

Buy yourself a juice.
Why are you looking at me?

Leave him. I'm sorry.

Everybody out.
Here, take your money back!

Now, that you will be famous,
wouldn't you need a full-time muse?

You know, I really have been thinking
of directing a play

that would really lay stress
on your qualities...


Have you ever heard of...

"The Vagina... Monologues?"

It's my favorite play,
I know it by heart... inside out!

We can start rehearsing tonight!

If you are not too tired, of course.

- Are you serious, you have the text?
- Yes, of course!

It's my essential book, I have it
on the night stand. What do you say?

When it was played on Broadway,

indeed, it has been played,
by only one actress,

but then
it has been played by three.

Where can I find other two muses?

Well, is it a monologue
or an orgy?

You know
it has been played also with six...

- But six, I think it's a little too much.
- It's a little too much, Freddy.

Freddy, what's with the squeaking?

Sorry, I always forget I am not gay!

Just be yourself, it's fine.

What about our arrangement?

I'll pay for the abortion.

Hold on.
Come back, people!

- Our arrangement falls.
- What do you mean?

Then you must pay me back
9,200 Euros.

- I'll give you the bike.
- To do what with it? I don't have a license.

Hey! I'll give it back
in small installments.


How much do they pay you here,
free loader?

200 lei.

Fine. Give me 100,
and tomorrow you'll give me 300.

Mr. Viorel, how are you?
You've changed the slot machine?

Yes. After how much Doru lost to it
yesterday and the night before,

I hope something will come out.

I made a reservation on that one,
but I moved a bit to this one.

Who knows...

I won't advise you to play.
I squeezed every penny out of it.

I wanted to win something
out of this one as well.

Thanks, Mr. Viorel.

- Watch out, Doru is coming.
- No problem.

No problem.

- Hi...
- What's up?

- You've put something in this one?
- 10 lei.

I'll give you 10 lei.
If I take something out, we split.

- What are you doing, Mr. Viorel?
- Hello.

I'm gambling on this one.

I've booked that one, but...

- If you want to play on this one...
- No, I'm fine.

All right.

Hello, hello.

- 100.
- That little?


Reserved for Mr. Viorel


Fucking shit.

What did you do, Mr. Viorel?
You said you drained it.

I hope you have that cash.

This is my money.

Well, 40,000... I don't think so.

I must call the owner.

Take your time.
I'm not leaving without the money.

Don't you want to play more,
now that you're in luck?

- Chill out.
- Until the cash comes.

I quit this sport.

Matilda said the next show
is half sold.

- Freddy...
- Sorry. Half of the tickets are sold.

Did you ask the bride
to come tomorrow as well?

Oana said
that only if she gets a part as well.

Give her the part of Mario.
Freddy is not an actor anyway.

Like you are.

- What are you doing?
- Losing time.

Hey, kitty, what's up?

I exchanged some cash.

- What's this?
- 9,200.

Keep the change.

What change?

100 lei, from last night.

I said small installments.

I hope you didn't borrow
from the loan sharks.

I don't think so.
He's got the motorcycle.


He's playing mime.

So sweet...

So sweet!

Learn from him.


No, please, do it again!

Wait, it can't be that hard.

Do it again.



Little girl.

Only if it's a girl.

You marry her only if she's making
a girl that looks like her.


Hey, Romeo! Romeo!

What are you doing?
Getting married without a godfather?


Long live the bride!

- You've come to your senses.
- Yes, I did!


Are they really getting married?

Or they play mime.