Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates (2016) - full transcript

(MESS AROUND PLAYING)

(SINGING) Oh, no
Oh, no

Ahhh, oh, no
Ahhh, oh, no

Ahhh, oh, no

No, she don't mess around
No, she don't mess around

MIKE: 100% blue agave.

Taste it.

RANDY: Look, Mike,
I like you.

But no one's looking for
another brand of tequila.

They've got the three...
What is it?

The Cuervo, the other one,
and the third one.



And they don't need
more tequila.

If I can't sell it,
it's not gonna sell.

People want the new-new.

The "new-new"?
The "new-new."

They want that new-new.

No!

What if I could sell
this tequila to a customer?

Would I have
your order then?

(LAUGHS) Yeah, sure.

And I'm just gonna pick
a customer at random.

Excuse me, sir.

Do you enjoy
the taste of tequila?

(IN AUSTRALIAN ACCENT)
Why, yes, I do.

But I only drink
my particular brand,



and you will not
convince me otherwise.

It's a perfect candidate.
Because it's your brother!

I know that's your brother.

He dated my niece.

Look, mate,
I don't know your niece.

Okay.
But if I did...

I'd say she was
a little clingy,

and she'd freak
a lot of people out.

We play Words With Friends
together, right?

Dave, right?

Name's Rick.
Just got in from Melbourne.

His name's Rick.

I know he's your brother.

Look, look, look.

You guys are funny,
you're weird.

We do this
every couple weeks...

All right, I'll take 10 cases.

Fuck, yes!
(IN NORMAL ACCENT) Yes!

Yes! I knew it!

We sold your ass, Randy!
(DAVE WHOOPS)

I don't know
if that's what happened.

It was the hat, right?
Was it the hat?

I just found this over there.

(DO SOMETHING CRAZY PLAYING)

(SINGING) Do something crazy

(ALL CHEERING)

Live like it's Mardi Gras

And go jump
Make the party start

Don't need no R&R

To regular life,
I say au revoir

Yay! Living life
in the fast lane

Now your pain
only be champagne

So please come join me
One thing, good vibes only

Start the keg
I'mma fill my cup

Got fireworks, got booze
Let's blow some shit up

Tonight I'm going stupid

Doing things I've never done

We all got one thing in common

We just wanna have fun

Do something crazy

Okay

Do something crazy

Do what you wanna do

Do something crazy

I'm about to do

I'm about to do

Do something crazy

Do something crazy

Do something wild

Rolling with the homies

Chicks by my side

Live for the moment

All of the time

Turn up the music

Only good vibes

DAVE: Sorry to throw
the accent at you, bro.

MIKE: No, dude. I loved it,
and it kept me in the now.

Do you realize
that that sale

puts us at number three
in the office?

The Stangle bros
are killing it right now!

(LAUGHING)

MIKE: It's not an actual hat.
They just call it a jimmy hat.

If you wear two, they break.

It's an urban legend...
No, it's not.

Mom, Dad?

DAVE: Jeanie. Eric.

Don't freak out.
I don't want you to freak out.

Just come on in.

BURT: Why don't we all
just sit down?

We gotta talk to you.

We wanna discuss
Jeanie and Eric's wedding.

DAVE: Oh! Sweet.
MIKE: Okay.

DAVE: Are you guys thinking
DJ or band?

First thought, band, right?

No. People want to
hear the real songs.

You don't want to hear
a guy singing Beyoncé.

You just want to hear Beyoncé.

Oh.

Yeah, but we want to
talk about...

is you two.

Now, over the years...

a theme has emerged
at our family gatherings.

Everyone's having
a good time...

That's right.

Things are going smoothly.

Party time.

And then you two show up...

stag...

and you hit on girls...

you act like idiots...

and you ruin it.

Ruin it.

What? We are not party ruiners!
Mm-mm.

We're party creators!

And besides, when have we
ever ruined a family event?

Ah!
(LAUGHS)

We thought you
might say that.

ROSIE: Yep, here we go.
And we just stream it.

BURT: Apple TV.

We just need your password.

Bryan's baby dick 69.
Yeah.

BURT: Bryan's baby dick 69.

What the fuck,
guys? Really?

Got it. Yep.
Is that it?

BURT: Good.

Happy Fourth of July!

(ALL CHEERING)

Oh, shit!

(ALL SCREAMING)

It was fun up
to that point.

(EXPLOSION)
(ALL SCREAMING)

(BOTH LAUGHING)

God damn it! My trailer!

(ALL CHEERING)

(SCREAMING)

(LAUGHING) Oh, shit.

Actually, this is what
we're trying to avoid.

(CRYING)
(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)

The both of you
are fucking idiots.

Fucking losers!

(ALL CHEERING)

(COUGHING)

JEANIE: Grandpa, wake up!
Take his tie.

Are you saying
we had something to do

with Grandfather's death?
Hmm?

He died five years
after that!

That is a lot of guilt
to put us. Shame on you.

Plus, this video only
shows the screw-ups.

Where's the epic tracking
shots of smiling faces?

And everybody looking
at us, just going...

"God, I love Mike and Dave.

"They made this whole
party worth it."

When are the two of you
going to grow up?

This shtick was cute
for a while...

but it's gotten stale.

Mom, come on,
what are you...

You're talking
about us like

we're a couple of
losers or something.

BURT: What we don't
want you to do is

go chasing girls
and get out of control.

You understand?

Wait, we can still
talk to girls, right?

You can each talk
to one girl.

The girls that you bring
to the wedding.

What do you mean?

I want you to bring a date.

That's two dates.

You want us to bring
dates to a wedding?

Excuse me?

Are you allowed
to do that?

Nice, respectable,
smart girls!

Keep you in line.

What the fuck?
What?

Are you insane?
Oh, you're kidding.

You are not screwing up
this wedding. Do you hear me?

Mom, do you hear
this river of horse shit

coming out of Dad's mouth?

We don't want you showing up
stag and riling each other up!

We don't rile each other up!

We never get riled up!

I don't get riled!

He doesn't
and I don't, either!

Look at you right now!
You're riled!

Take your head
out of your ass, Dad!

You sound insane right now.

Everybody stop yelling! Okay?

You guys bringing
wedding dates was my idea.

Look, I love the shit
out of you guys.

But everyone
is already stressed out

about this wedding...

and I just need you
to be cool.

Of course, Jeanie!

Please?

For me?

I promise.
We would never do anything

to mess up your wedding.

MIKE: Jeanie, we love you.

We want this to be
the best day of your life.

Yeah.

You, too, Eric.

Oh.
Oh. Thank you.

Mostly you, though, Jeanie.

(CHUCKLES)

If you want us to bring dates,
we're bringing dates.

All right, it's settled then.

Wedding dates!

Dave, buddy,
let me talk to you

for a second, okay? Listen.

I'm sorry to lump you
in with Mike...

but if I only told your older
brother to bring a date...

he'd get all weird about it.

I just feel like
he's holding you back.

Dad, I don't mind
being lumped in with Mike.

Do you remember
the fifth grade bake sale...

when Mom made
those cupcakes...

and I called them moist?

Mm-hmm.

Everyone called me Moist...

till Mike took a cupcake...

and shoved it
in Tom Ginty's face.

He said,
"Now you're moist, Moist."

That's the kind
of guy Mike is.

So, think on that...

Dad.

I'm sorry,
I didn't mean to end that

on such a weird note, Dad.

I love you. And thanks.

Good. I don't want
you to be mad.

I'm not even mad.
I'm not even upset.

We're gonna find some dates.

TATIANA: I gotta say,
some nights,

I am not looking my best.

But tonight is not
one of those nights!

(LAUGHS)

Do you like my hair?
Yeah, girl.

You look good.
No.

We're gonna make
a lot of tips tonight.

Good. We need it.
We don't have any money.

Uh, you got money
for this ride, don't you?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah!
Yeah, yeah, yeah!

(WHISPERING)
'Cause you have money?

I thought you had money.

I don't have any money.

You know I don't
have money.

Yeah, y'all are whispering
like people

that don't got money.

Check it out.
I'mma pay you right now.

Boop. I Apple Paid.

I don't even have Apple Pay.

Yo, Siri, pay this man.

He's already paid.

God damn it!

I'm not gonna
take shit from you,

because this my cab.

You shouldn't
take shit from us.

You should kick us out!

You should kick us
out of this cab.

You know what?

I'm gonna kick you
the fuck out of this cab.

Yeah, just go three more
blocks up on the right...

and then kick us out!

(BRAKES SCREECHING)
Here we are!

Get out of my cab.

Thank you.
You're a really good person.

Okay, God bless you.

I'm just gonna start driving
for Uber. Fuck it.

Ooh. I got a good idea.

Let's pop off, get a couple
of drinks before work.

Just a few, because I don't
want to get hammered.

Yeah, of course not.
Just a light buzz.

(ALL CHEERING)

Hey, hey, hey!

Welcome to Sake Bombers...

where your first
Sake Bomb is on us!

Kaboom!
You're drunk, Alice.

You're doing that thing
where you're whispering,

but you're really yelling.

Because I'm upset with you.

Oh, what the hell?

ALICE: I don't understand
why you just started

yelling at me for no reason.

What the hell
is going on here?

Your little buddy
is shit-faced.

Straight up.

Her fiancé just
left her at the altar.

She's been going
through a hard time.

Are you guys
talking about me?

No, baby girl.

You know how many times
I have come in here...

and she is drunk
off her fucking ass,

dancing on the tables?

Only when Rihanna comes on,
because it's my jam.

I am a strong
independent woman.

And I will get on a table
and shake my shit to RiRi.

Because it's my right.
America!

Feminism!

You just push your tits up
and say feminism?

Yeah. Read a Twitter.

#2016. Women can do shit now.

(ONLY GIRL IN THE WORLD
PLAYING)

RONNIE: Don't do that!

Who put her jam on?

Queen RiRi, forever!

I'm really sorry
that I got us fired.

I'm just sort of surprised
it didn't happen sooner...

but I'm still really sorry.
Hey!

Alice, you do not apologize
right now, okay?

You didn't do one thing wrong.

Okay. People need to
get in line with you.

Right. You're right.

Alice, why are you watching
your wedding video?

FATHER MIKE ON VIDEO:
And Alice...

do you take Luke?

I do.

ALICE: Because
it's therapeutic.

The more I watch it,
the less I feel.

FATHER MIKE: And do you,
Luke, take Alice?

I do...

not.

(PEOPLE GASPING)

Oh, man. Fuck you, Luke.

Oh, fuck that guy.

Fuck him right in his dick.

No!

Because now
I'm picturing his dick

getting fucked
by another dick.

And it makes me
want to protect it.

Oh, my God, girl! Damn!

You're better than this.
Come on!

We're T and A!

Where's the Alice who made
vodka pot brownies with me...

for the junior high
science fair?

Or gave us water balloon tits

and we won that wet T-shirt
contest in Mexico?

Oh, yeah,
they were so nice.

I know, dude.
We need that shit.

I'm tired of living like this.

We need an adventure.

We've got
a great little package

we're selling here, man.

A week in
a tropical paradise...

with two fun-loving,

yet surprisingly
well-read bros?

Yeah.

I read most of the Goosebumps
series, and so did you.

Yeah.

Where do I sign up?

Dude, focus.

Okay.
This is for Jeanie.

So to find the perfect fun,
but nice girls...

we're gonna have to meet
a lot of them.

The Internet!

That's a good idea.

Grindr, OkCupid.

Craigslist!

Craigslist?

Craigslist, you think,

that's where you go
to meet nice girls?

Dave?

We met this couch
on Craigslist.

And you wuv this couch,
don't you?

I do love that couch.

DAVE: I'm gonna unlock
the swag on this bitch.

All right.

Here you go.
Just take a little sip.

Take a little nip-a-roo.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Boom!

Do you think anyone's even
really gonna see this?

God, I hope so.

Like max, what do you think?

We're gonna get, like,

five or six dates out of this,
or what?

I'd be happy with that.

Hey.

Did you see this thing

that Shelly's sending
around the office?

It's a free trip to Hawaii!

Look what someone
posted to my Facebook.

I gotta tweet this out.
WOMAN 1: Those guys are cute.

HILTY: Alo-hot!

ALL: I got the one
on the right.

I like the one on the right.

Oh, I got the one
on the right.

I like the one on the right.

We gotta send this
to everyone.

TANISHA: Let's all apply!

WOMAN 2: I want
to go to Hawaii.

WOMAN 3: I just emailed them.

WOMAN 4: Let's just meet them,
give 'em a chance.

So, you guys want to
go to a wedding?

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Uh, what are your names?

(CONTINUE LAUGHING)

Do you guys have names?

Basically we were looking
through Craigslist for work.

Oh, you're both...

CALL GIRL: Prostitutes.

Whatever.
Take us to Hawaii!

Hawaii!

(ALL CHEERING)

We can't take you.

No way.

Did you guys
say something about

an all-expenses-paid trip
to Hawaii?

It's just for girls.

That's not a deal breaker.

Hi, my name is Lauralie...

and I'm kind of
new to this.

Yeah.

You're new to...

Online dating. Yeah.

I'm not really looking for

a heteronormative
relationship.

You look like a Nike swoosh.

Goddamn right, I do.

I work at a dog shelter.

Our sister loves dogs.

I wanna make sure
they get really good homes.

What's a good home?

The white homes.

The what homes?
The white homes.

Like white people.

Check, please.

This isn't lipstick. This is
a tattoo, you dumb fuck.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Who are you laughing at?
Who?

All right, look,
here's the deal.

I went through
a divorce, like,

three weeks ago.
I need a vacation.

No.

Okay, you guys sure
you don't want to fuck?

What?
Nothing.

DAVE: What did you say?
Nothing.

Sounded like you said,
"Do you wanna fuck?"

Do you wanna fuck?

What?
What?

What?
You guys...

Do you want me to fuck you?
No.

No.
I didn't say it, but...

I'll suck your dick
right now. What?

What?

(THEME SONG PLAYING)

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Welcome back.

I'm here with
Mike and Dave Stangle...

who posted an ad
on Craigslist...

looking for dates
for their sister's wedding...

in Oahu, Hawaii.

Well, the ad went viral.

Mm-hmm.

WENDY: It racked up
over 6, 000 responses...

from women who
actually wanted to go.

Yeah, well, who's counting?

You know, I guess we all are.

Is this my close-up?

WEN DY: You guys, come on.
Craigslist?

MIKE: Honestly, this is about
finding nice girls...

to go with us to Hawaii
for our sister's wedding.

And I just
want to reiterate...

we're footing
the bill for this

because we're gentlemen.

Free trip to Hawaii?

(GASPS) I'm awake!

WENDY: Come on. Craigslist.
What's up?

That's where you go
to buy old patio furniture.

You know what else
you can find on Craigslist?

Mm-hmm.

Love.
Mm-mm.

That's right. I said it.

Love.
ALICE: That one seems sweet.

He has a kind soul.

Yeah, and he's
also super hot.

Yeah, he's hot as
fucking balls.

But just to repeat,
we're looking for nice girls.

Like, girls that our mom
and our sister would like.

Okay, look, dude,
we are going to Hawaii.

Let's go on vacation.

But it's not a vacation.
It's a wedding.

Do you really think
a wedding's

the best place for me?

Since the last wedding
I went to was mine...

and it didn't turn out
very well.

I hear you, but look...

this shit is why this shit
is perfect, okay?

Because ever since Luke left,
you haven't been the same.

You need to get over that,
once and for all.

And this our shot, man.

That dude, he's gonna get
your groove back.

This right here

is an opportunity
of a lifetime...

and you know
we are entrepreneurs.

You know what?

Let's make these guys
take us to Hawaii!

You're right! Let's do it!

Let's just do it!

Yes, bitch.
Let's fucking do it!

We'll be right back.
(WOMEN WHOOPING)

TATIANA:
We gonna go to Hawaii!

We gonna go to Hawaii!

Whoa! Whoa!

Hold up!
What?

Those boys said
they wanted nice girls.

We don't look like
nice girls.

Yeah, I guess I haven't
showered in a while.

Fine, well, you know
what we're gonna do?

We're gonna look
respectable as fuck.

Like nice girls.

Ugh. (SNIFFLES)

Dude, it's like
that Jesus rag!

Ow! It's part of me.

Tatiana, your underwear
needs more underwears.

Whoo!

Oh, this dress is my bitch!

Dude, we have met
37 insane women.

We can't bring
any of these girls.

Maybe Dad'll just forget
about his ultimatum.

Why would Dad forget
about an old tomato?

No, his ultimatum.

Old tom...
Ultimatum.

Are you saying "old tomato"?

Ultima-tomb.
Like a tomb or a crypt.

Ultimatum.

Well, we gotta figure
something out,

because the wedding's
coming up quick.

(SIGHS)

BOTH: Why is everything
a competition with you?

And I said that first,
so actually, I won that.

ALICE: So what time
are we meeting them?

Technically, no time.

Yeah, because I was thinking
about emailing them...

but then I was
thinking, um...

what kind of floozy-ass bimbo
would respond to that ad?

Um...

Us.

Yeah, but we're not
like those idiots.

You know what I'm saying?

Because they're all like,
"Oh! Pick me, pick me!"

It's like the guys
interviewing the girls.

Like, it immediately would put
us in an inferior position.

We're gonna flip the script
and Bachelorette that shit.

Those guys would be
lucky to have us.

Right.

We just gotta
make them think so.

Okay, right.

But, you know, I'm really
not good at lying...

because I always
try to start small

and then it gets crazy...

and I make-up stuff

that couldn't
possibly be true.

Baby, you can do this.
Let's practice, okay?

Okay.

Um, what do you like to do?
Drink.

Just sweet teas.

Sweet teas
and biscuits on blimps.

All right, straight up,

you don't have to
do an accent.

I was doing an accent?

And definitely
don't bring up blimps.

Shit! They're leaving.

If it was a competition,
I won it.

All right, don't worry.

It's all part of the plan.

Is it?
Oh, yeah.

What does that mean?
What plan?

I don't know
this part of the plan...

Whoo! Ahh!

Oh, fuck!
(MEN GASP)

(GROANING)
(PEOPLE GASPING)

Tatiana! Oh!

Holy shit.

Babe. Are you okay?

I'm okay. Yell,
"She can't breathe!"

She can't breathe!

She can't breathe!
Somebody help her!

Somebody give her CPR!

She can't breathe!
I know CPR!

Great!
I was a volunteer EMT!

Hey, don't worry.
My brother's got this, okay?

I took a class.
I know what I'm doing.

ALICE: She has a weak heart!
Ma'am?

Ma'am?
She has a weak heart.

I'm an EMT.
I'm like a doctor, basically.

I'm here to save
your fucking life, okay?

She's my only friend!

That's her only friend, Mike!

We got a pulse! Okay.

Don't let her die!

Don't you fucking
let her die, Mike!

Just shut the fuck up, Dave!
You, too, shut up!

Both of you, shut up! Okay?

I'm gonna save her life!

(BREATHES DEEPLY)

Plug the nose.

(GASPS)

MIKE: Oh!

Are you okay?

(PANTING) I am now.

I saved her life!
ALICE: She's okay!

She's okay?
I saved her life!

(ALL CHEERING)

Thank you! Thank you!

OFFICER: You're under arrest.

MAN: She hit my car!

TATIANA: No, you guys,
I'm totally fine, really.

It happens all the time.

That was a vicious hit.

We should take you
to the hospital.

It's crazy. It's almost like
I owe you my life.

Almost.
Yeah. Technically, yeah.

Let me help you
with that ice.

I do.

Oh, no.

Seems like it's going
pretty well with your guy.

Dude, I'm fucking
crushing it! So hard!

(LAUGHS)
Check this out.

The kids in my class
are gonna love this story.

I'm a school teacher.

You're a school teacher?
(CHUCKLES) Wow.

Oop. I think they spelt
"frittata" wrong on the menu.

I always notice
words and spelling...

because I'm a teacher...

and that's what I do.

(CHUCKLES) That's...

So, Alice, um,
what do you do?

Manage a hedge fund.

You manage a hedge fund?

I don't even know
what a hedge fund is.

Oh. So there's a regular fund,
and then there's a hedge fund.

And our fund...

Uh, we hedge it.

We hedge it hard.

Oh, wow.

I get in, in the morning,
and I'm like...

"How's the hedging coming?"

"You been hedging?
You hedged much?"

And it's like, too big to fail.

Corporate greed, bailouts.

In a New York minute,
everything can change.

On the floor of the NASDAQ
and the U.N.

And then, Fannie Mae.

Bernie Mac
and D.L. Hughley...

Alice, you want some water?
Yeah.

That's so smart.
That is.

(IMITATES LIAM NEESON)
"But what I do have...

"is a particular
set of skills.

"Skills I have acquired
over a very long career.

"Skills that make me
a nightmare

"for people like you."

Click. That's it.

That was amazing.

It was like Dave
was not even here...

and I was just standing
in a bar with Liam Neeson.

Like, "Hello,
Liam Neeson's over here."

You're a professional
comedian or something?

What? No. I sell liquor
with my brother.

Oh.
Yeah.

I do like to draw.
Oh, yeah?

Yeah, I have drawings here
I could show you.

Oh, shit, not that. Sorry.

Here. So,
they're like The Avengers...

but they're different
types of alcohol.

So, you have Tequila,

and then he's got
his pet worm right there.

And his name is Lil' Mez.

Because he'll "Mez" you up.

The next one right there,
that's Gin.

(IMITATES ALI G)
When he flips his cap off,

dawg, he's just like...

"Yo, I'll pop you off.
Guaranteed.

"One knock." (GRUNTS)

Done.

Next, Whiskey.

(IN SOUTHERN ACCENT)
Likes to make moonshine

and kill bad guys.

Dude, this is
objectively amazing.

(IN NORMAL ACCENT) Thanks.

What's the hardest thing
about being a teacher?

I don't know.

Oh, um...

The hardest thing
about being a teacher...

is teaching cursive.

That's awesome.

What about you?
Yeah?

Are you seeing anyone?
No.

My ex is gone. Long gone.

What do you mean?

He died. Of cancer.

Oh, my God.

And AIDS.

He died twice?

(EXHALES) And then he died
in a plane crash, so...

Whoo! That's a lot
to take in.

I know!

Thank you.

Thank you, brotha.

Dude.

We should take these girls
to the wedding. Right?

Mine's a sexy
school teacher...

and yours... hedges funds.

Just keep doing sexy eyes.
Okay.

Keep doing sexy eyes.

I like Alice.

And she's smart,
she's funny, she's weird.

MIKE: We invite these girls
to the wedding,

suddenly we're not losers.

We're winners!

TATIANA: Here they come.
They're coming.

Hey, uh,
this might sound crazy...

but our little sister is
getting married in Hawaii...

and we wanted to know

if you guys
wanted to come with.

Um... (LAUGHS)
Um...

Can you just
give us a second to...

Of course.

Okay, so just whisper
like we're talking it over...

like we're not sure
if we wanna go or not.

ALICE: Oh, like...

What the fuck
are you doing?

ALICE: I don't understand
why we're arguing!

I thought we wanted to go.

All right, fuck it.
Let's go to Hawaii!

(WHOOPS)

Yes! Fuck yes!
ALICE: Hawaii!

(ALL WHOOPING)

(FEEL SO GOOD PLAYING)

Yo, what you know
about goin' out?

Head west, red Lex
TV's all up in the headrest

Try and live it up,
ride true, a bigger truck

Peeps all glittered up
Stick up can, they go what?

Jig wit it 'cuz ship crisp,
split it all

Ho's ride, get your nut
'till I can't get it up

Bad, bad, bad, bad boy

You make me feel so good

Aloha, and welcome.

Hi.
Aloha.

For real?

Let me get you gentlemen
checked in, yeah?

Holy shit,
this place is nice!

It's gonna be more nice.

Nice girls don't show
off their ecstasy.

One of these
is a multivitamin.

Is this shit free?

I can smoke weed
out of this,

I can smoke weed
out of this...

Look at that teacher,
grabbing her apple a day.

Look at that personality
from behind.

It is, dare I say...

well-rounded.
Mmm-hmm.

TATIANA: Look at Mike.

He looks like
a funhouse mirror version

of a better looking dude...

but he is just that dude.

Dave, it is so on
this weekend.

(LAUGHS) I am not touching
this guy the whole weekend.

He thinks just because
he brought me here

I'm gonna sleep with him?

Check it out.

If this was Mike's dick,
I'd be like...

Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo...
(LAUGHING)

I'd get close,
but I'd never touch it.

They have such
beautiful flowers here.

She's throwing out
serious vibes right now.

I'm like, I'm hungry.

I'm gonna
butter them biscuits.

I'm gonna baste
them ham hocks.

I'm gonna be
like a sex chef.

Mr. Grey will see you now.

I'm gonna touch Dave.

Every time he says
something sweet...

I wanna get
some rope and chain

in bulk from Home Depot...

and just see where
it takes us, you know?

That is messed up.

Ladies,
your wedding itineraries.

# DoingltForJeanie.

DAVE: Today, we have the
meet and greet by the pool.

And then after that,
we have a dolphin excursion.

Friday is
the rehearsal dinner.

Mmm-hmm.

That's where Dave and I are
gonna be doing our big speech.

(CLEARS THROAT)
Will there be any downtime?

ALICE: Yeah, 'cause I gotta
keep in touch with the office.

I gotta call my stocks
about the state of my bonds.

It happens a lot.

Mm-kay, I think
we are right up here.

Great. So which one
is me and Alice's room?

Uh...

I don't know. Are you
and Alice gonna share a room?

Or I was thinking
that maybe you and I...

would stay in the same room.

That sounds interesting...

but I don't think
it would be a good idea.

Why not?

(WHISPERING) Because I don't
trust myself around you.

You can trust me.

I do trust you.

Let's trust each other.

There's so much trust.

Sorry.
I didn't mean to do that.

I respect you so much,
I can't wait to get you alone.

Yeah, we're gonna cover

all the room charges
and stuff...

for up to $50 per day.

Oh, my God.
You don't have to do that.

I'm a very strict teacher.

You be Michelle Pfeiffer

from Dangerous Minds,
and I'll be...

I'll be Coolio.

Coolio's not in that movie.
Oh.

He is in song and spirit.

I'm gonna call a
parent-teacher conference...

and tell them what
a bad boy you are.

Please don't tell my mommy.

Please don't tell my daddy.

I think Wi-Fi is included,
too, so...

That's always nice. Yeah.
Yeah.

If I were to give you a grade,
I'd give you a D.

A big, hard D.

Why? I deserve an A.

What are you talking about?
Oh.

Nothing.

In conclusion...

I'm gonna stay in the room...

with Alice.

That one, with Alice.

Cool, cool. No doubt.

Somebody overcooked
the soft pretzel.

My dick is hard.
That's what I'm saying.

Give me five minutes.

Oh, my God. Ew!

(SINGING)
Lift it, drop it, shake it

It's going down for real

It's going down for real

Grandma, I'd like you
to meet Alice.

She's super smart,
great conversationalist,

and she works on Wall Street.

But I'm one of
the good ones.

(LAUGHS) I think she is.

TATIANA: I am a teacher, yeah.

And you know what?

The key to teaching children
is repetition.

You'd be surprised
how stupid they are.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Jeanie!

(GASPS)

Hey, you!
Hi! Hi!

I'm so proud to introduce
our wedding dates...

Tatiana.
And Alice.

Hi!

Oh, the bride.
The gorgeous bride.

Ow! Hi.

This weekend is all about you
being happy and not shattered.

Oh. Thank you.

Yeah.

Check out your arms.

You got some
Michelle Obama arms.

How'd you get those guns
on the plane, girl?

(ALL LAUGHING)

Eric...

you are two points hotter
just being next to this woman.

TATIANA: Try 10 points hotter.

Try a million.

That's too many points.

Wow, and Jeanie, nice snag.

Thank you.

TATIANA: You guys
look great together, really.

I'm liking this. Huh?

Maybe you two will keep these
two in check a little bit.

(ALL LAUGHING)
I think we can.

I'll just keep him on a leash.

Maybe don't hurt him.
(CHOKING)

I like these girls.

They're so fun.

Unlike my maid of honor.

She's having a time.

How is ol' Becky Grammerstein?

(SHUSHING) She's coming.

Jeanie.
Hey.

I'm in crisis mode.

I ordered Prosecco
for the mani-pedis...

and all they have
is champagne!

Aren't they the same thing?

No. No, they're not. No.

No?

Hello, Michael.

Hi, Dave.

Look, I'm trying to make
your dreams come true, okay?

Right.
What?

If this is bad news,
I'm gonna eat your ass.

Sorry.
Okay.

Purple. It better be purple.

I should probably
go see to that.

You'll come?
Yeah.

Thank you so much
for being here.

Guys, good job
with these two.

Mahalo.

DAVE: Bye, Jeanie.

(WHISPERS)
Jeanie likes the girls.

(SINGING)
Jeanie likes the girls

Talk about Jeanie
Jeanie likes the girls

Because it's all about
Jeanie likes the girls

Oh, yeah,
Jeanie likes the girls

Come on!

It's all about Jeanie
Likes the girls

It's all about
Jeanie likes the girls!

Mike. Where are the girls?

BURT: Oh, hello!
I'm Alice.

I just I wanna give you a hug.

It's so nice to meet you.

Fucking A.
You distracted me, man.

This dress is lucky to be
on you. Those pins!

My Mike?
Yes.

I can't... Wow.
He did.

That's fantastic.

Mike, Tatiana was
just telling me...

that you saved her life.

I most certainly did,
Father.

You see how great it is
to have nice girls around?

I mean, these are nice girls.
Aw!

Absolutely.

They are.
And we brought them, so...

KEITH: Excuse me.

Excuse me.

See you in a minute.
Honey, come on.

Can I get
everybody's attention?

Could we gather around?

Oh, my God.
Oh, my God!

We're killing this shit!
We're killing.

Mom and Dad like the girls!

Ow.

(SINGING)
Mom and Dad like the girls

Hi, I'm Keith.

I'm Eric's best man,
his cousin...

and his best friend.

Welcome to the meet and greet!

(ALL CHEERING)

MIKE: Yeah!

Put your hands together...

for Eric and his lovely bride,
Jeanie.

Give it up!
(ALL CHEERING)

Jeanie!

Hey, everybody.
A big thank you

to my new family,
the Stangles.

We love you, Eric!

Thank you.

And to my own family,
I must say...

Portland, Oregon
in the house!

(ERIC'S FAMILY WHOOPING)

I'm really happy to finally
make you all my ohana...

which means "family."
(APPLAUSE)

And as the Hawaiians say...

Kole maluna!

Which translates loosely
into "bottoms up." (LAUGHS)

But more closely translated,
it actually means...

"your butts to the sky"...

which is inappropriate.

This is gonna be magic.

Thank you all again,
so much, for being here.

We are so happy
to have you at our wedding.

(ECHOING)
Wedding. Wedding. Wedding.

Put the mic on the stand.
The stand.

Alice.

Where are you going?

Hi! What happened?

You sort of zoned out
for a sec.

What's up? You okay?

Yeah! We're at a wedding.
Wedding. Wedding.

You just said "wedding"
three times.

I'm fine. Yeah!

Let's just forget about
the past, and move on.

To the bar!

To the bar?

Mmm. Mmm.

Ooh. I don't think
these are shots.

I mean, we're drinking 'em
like they're shots...

but I don't think they're

supposed to be
drunk like that.

Your face is funny.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

(WOMAN CHATTERING
INDISTINCTLY)

(LAUGHING)

Oh. Hey, Mike.

I was just talking
to my new friend, Tatiana.

Tatiana,
this is my cousin, Mike.

She knows who I am.
She's my date.

Why would someone this
attractive ever be with you?

Are you gonna hit
on my date all weekend,

like bisexual Fonzie?

I don't think it's gonna take
all weekend. Am I right?

So, you guys are cousins?

She's been jealous of me
since I was a little kid.

What could I possibly be
jealous of?

Your outfit looks like
Jimmy Buffet's dust ruffle.

Do you guys always do this?

Okay, this is actually
a very fashion-forward outfit.

No, you look like
the wallpaper

from a Long John
Silver's bathroom.

TATIANA: Cool. I'm gonna
hit the buffet now...

while you guys do
whatever it is you're doing.

Okay?

Good idea.

Look at that.

Pink little ass just
bouncing away, saying...

(SINGING) Terry, come get me
Terry, come get me

No, it's saying...

(SINGING)
Mike, crawl up in this

Mike, crawl up in this

Whoa. What's up,
double trouble?

Terry. Cousin of the bride.

Get at me later,
we'll make a Terry sandwich.

Don't touch her.
She has chlamydia.

Everybody does.
No.

Not everyone does.

Saw you and Dave are doing

your speech together
at the rehearsal dinner.

Mmm-hmm.

I'm going to bring the house
down with my speech.

And why do you think
you're such a hotshot?

You know Chris Rock?

He's my neighbor.
Practiced my speech on him.

And he gave me
seven killer jokes.

Suck on that, cousin.

Terry out.

Chris Rock? Fuck!
That sounds awesome.

(TATIANA MOANING)
(ALICE CHUCKLING)

TATIANA: Yas, yas, yas.

(BOTH MOANING)

Oh, my God. You were right.

These cheeseburgers
are amazing.

I know.

Being a good girl is hard.

I know. It sucks.

You were hitting that booze
too hard for a nice girl.

You need to get
Luke out of your head.

Yeah.
You do.

And what better way
to do that...

than good old-fashioned
dick flicks.

Yes.

ALICE: Oh, God.

Tatiana. Mike Stangle.

From the meet and greet.
Well, from before that.

One second.

Fuck.

Hey. It's you.

It is me.

I was hoping
maybe I could come in

and we could
watch a movie or...

(WHISPERS)
Do whatever you wanna do.

Why are you whispering?

'Cause that's what
we were doing before.

They've got Cockbusters.

Is that supposed to be
like Ghostbusters?

Why would you wanna
get rid of the cocks?

What's that?
She's talking in her sleep.

She says the craziest stuff
in her sleep.

It looks like
his dick is gonna pop.

It's so veiny and hard.

Tatiana!
Something's hard?

Julio. My student.

I'm doing a Skype
class session with him...

and he's having a really
hard time in the schoolyard.

If you don't get in here,
I'm gonna start masturbating!

Oh, phooey. I've gotta go.

That sounds like you guys are,
watching porno, or...

No.
ALICE: Tatiana!

Does it smell like
weed in here?

You guys smoking weed?
No. It was a skunk.

I've gotta go,
because a bunch of kids

are waiting to hear...

if they've failed
second grade or not.

Well, I am doing some
grading myself, and girl...

you are getting an A plus.

Thank you so much.

Mmm.

(KIDS PLAYING)

WOMEN: And then win!

Skills. Def skills.

BURT: Cheers to
Tatiana and Alice.

We're so glad you're here.

(ALL CHEERING)

MIKE: Yes. Cheers.

You guys, Alice and I found
this really cool thing.

Jurassic Park ATV Tours!

You ride ATVs where they
shot Jurassic Park.

Actually, we are about to go
swimming with the dolphins.

It's on the itinerary, so...

But, guys, Jurassic P!

I love this movie!

(GASPS) Oh, my gosh, on ATVs,
this would be so sick.

"Welcome...

BOTH: "...to Jurassic Park."

"That is a big pile of shit."

"Oh, you're not so scary,
little guy."

(ALL MIMICKING DINOSAURS)

What is going on here?

Oh! Oh!

I wish we could do that...

but we have a date
with the dolphins...

at the bottom
of the ocean, so...

Don't you think we should do
what Jeanie wants to do?

I mean,
it is her wedding after all.

Right, Mike?

I'm so happy we're here!

This is where the dinos
ran in the prairie!

I know, girl!

Check it out!
I'm a brontosaurus!

I'm a T-Rex.
I'm coming to get you!

(WOMEN SHOUTING)

Guys, butts on seats, okay?
No hot dogging!

(CHUCKLES)

(ALL YELLING)

ALICE: "They're flocking
this way!"

Here's a T-Rex!

"Life finds a way."

Jeanie! Eric!

Hey!

Hi! Sorry, I lost Eric.

I wasn't lost. Just driving
at a reasonable pace.

Stay there. We'll come to you.

All right,
we better go around.

This ledge
looks super dangerous.

Oh, yeah, Mike's right.
It does look dangerous.

It's a good thing my middle
name is "dangerous!"

Yeah, it is!

ALICE: Whoo!
Whoa!

(LAUGHS EXCITEDLY)

(BICYCLE BICYCLE
YOU ARE MY BICYCLE PLAYING)

Oh, God!
What?

Oh, my God, she's Superman!

Oh, my God!

A-Money!

(GRUNTS) Oh!

I still think
we should go around.

She just got some
serious air, bro!

(SCOFFS)
You call that serious air?

Check this fucking shit out.

Whoo!

Suck my clit, fuckers!

Whoo!

Whoo!

Oh, not again.

Yeah, baby!

Easy does it. Nothing fancy.

(SCREAMS)

Oh, my God.
Look at what she's doing!

I see it!

Sweet candied nuts.

(TATIANA WHOOPING)

Oh!

Who are these girls?

Whoo!

Um... (CHUCKLES)

Where did you guys
learn to do that?

We lived in Baja.
Oh.

Tore up a lot of trail
down there.

Made a lot of friends.

Made even more enemies.

God, I miss Baja.

Your turn, Mike!
Don't be a pussy!

I'm not gonna do it.

Name calling
doesn't work on me, so...

TATIANA: Mike,
it'll turn me on

if you take that jump.

ERIC: Turn me on if you don't.

Still not going to, still.

I'm not gonna do it.

Like we would ever do that.

No way.
(CHUCKLES)

Come on! Do it.

He's not gonna do it. Do it!

Do not do it.

No, definitely don't do that.

It's a bad idea.
It's a stupid, dumb idea.

And it's dangerous,
and it's foolish.

Yes, it is.

I'm gonna do it!
(ENGINE REVVING)

Mike!

(SCREAMS)

Oh, shit!
Oh.

Oh!

I'm never gonna die!

(SCREAMING)

Oh, shit.
He going fast.

Oh, no. Keep it straight!

Oh, he's shanking it.

(SCREAMING)

Whoo! Got it, got it!

(GASPS)

(CONTINUES SCREAMING)

Oh, no, God!

Jeanie, move!

No!

No!

(GASPS)

It's gonna be fine.

Your face is making me think
it's gonna be bad.

I'm sure
it's not as bad as you think.

You know?
JEANIE: No. Yeah.

BECKY: Just show us
what we're working with,

and it'll be fine.

Okay.
Okay?

Is it okay?
(ALL GASP)

DAVE: Oh, my God!
Oh! God! Oh!

Wow! Don't you look good?

(GROANS)
(SCREAMS)

Your face!
Shut up, Mike!

You shut up, Becky!
Have you seen her face?

Oh, God! What?

It looks like
you were making meth,

and the bathtub exploded.

(SOBBING)

You look like
Burn Victim Barbie.

Hush it up!

And you're Black Ken.

Stop!
Okay.

It's like an exaggerated
smoky eye.

Dave, be honest. Is it bad?

This side,
there's a little...

There's a little
discoloration there.

Little discoloration.

Which side is it?

DAVE: You could do a dance
the whole night

where you just hold a hand
over your face.

MIKE: Oh, that's smart.
Okay.

It's like a new thing.

(SINGING) Do the Jeanie
Do the Jeanie

Like this?

Come on, everybody!
Do the Jeanie. Do it.

I'm doing the Jeanie.
MIKE: Do the Jeanie, y'all.

It's a one-two step.

All right, that's enough.

Enough dancing!
You and you...

outside, now!

Honey, calm down.

(SCREAMING)

Honey, calm down.
Sorry.

Do you understand they've
deformed our little girl...

the day before
her goddamn wedding?

She looks like Seal,
for Christ's sake!

Oh! Why, Dad?

Ow!

Do you think
he's gonna spank us?

What?

Never mind.

I haven't seen him this
pissed in a long time.

Oop.

Yeah. It's the other door.

They meet in the middle.

They meet in the middle.
God damn it!

DAVE: Dad, listen.
I know what you're gonna say.

You're right. We're gonna
sue the ATV companies.

Right?
(SCOFFS) I see.

Not what I was gonna say.

Let's Erin Brockovich
this bitch.

Mike, stop!

You've got to own this.
This is your fault.

It's not.

If anything,
it's the girls' fault.

They're crazy.

The girls aren't the problem!

You are.

What the hell did you think
was gonna happen, huh?

What did you think
was gonna happen?

We had a plan.

The plan was
to swim with dolphins...

and eat bananas afterwards.

See, Dad, I'm not gonna
point any fingers here...

but indirectly...

we wouldn't have been on ATVs

if the girls
hadn't forced us to.

And who made us bring dates
in the first place?

Not pointing fingers.
Yeah.

All right. I'm gonna take back
what I said to you earlier.

I am going to
lump you in together.

All right, you are lumped!

The hell is wrong
with you, huh?

What the hell is
wrong with you?

Dad.

Fuck.

Everyone get the fuck
away from me.

Move! Adult Swim!

It's all fucked now.

It's all fucked, you know?
Poor Jeanie.

Jeanie's special weekend,
and I ruin it.

Hey, hey, hey, Alice?
That was not your fault, okay?

That's two weddings
that I've ruined.

It's just like,
"Stupid Alice!"

Look, it's too bad that
Jeanie's face got shredded...

but this is supposed
to be our vacay.

Remember? We're supposed
to be having fun...

and going on adventures.

Get in here with me.

I'm gonna find her.
I'm gonna make it up to her.

No, no! You're not listening
to me. Don't leave me!

(SCOFFS)

Ah!

(SIGHS) Oh.

Hmm?

Thanks again for letting me
join your spa day, ladies.

It's not like you
asked or anything,

but you're here. Yay.

What did you guys do
for your bachelorette party?

Did it get crazy?
Did you guys do that thing...

where you go to Vegas

and you dress up
as a prostitute...

and you go out
and there's a contest...

to see who can get
the most money from a john...

but then you tell him,
"I'm an undercover cop"...

and they, like,
beg that you don't tell

their children
and their wives...

and they piss themselves,

and you've got
the whole thing on video.

And then you put it on YouTube

and then there's
the Auto-Tune remix.

Did you do that thing?

No.
No.

I didn't actually end up
having one, so...

Why? Every bride
needs a bachelorette party.

I'm sorry Cabo didn't
work out, Jeanie.

I know. It's fine.

You know I couldn't get
the time off work.

And it would have
ruined it for you,

down there without me.

Is there some tension
about this?

So I just thought,
"Let's cancel the whole trip,"

if that makes sense.

Jeanie, can you keep it down?
On the phone with Tokyo.

Did I bring up
something uncomfortable?

Also, I caught the shingles
because it was so stressful.

(SPEAKING JAPANESE)

'Cause it feels like I did.

BECKY: Plus they have
Mexican bed bugs.

(SCREAMS)

I need you guys to stop it!

Oh, that fucking gaping mouth
of yours, shut it!

Shut it!

I just want to relax!
Is that too much to ask?

Please! I just wanna relax.

KEANU: How are
you feeling, Jeanie?

A little stressed out.

I'll give you a minute
to disrobe.

Yeah, okay.

Face down on the table.

Hi, um, that is
my best friend in there...

and she's getting
married tomorrow,

and she's a little uptight.

And I was wondering
if you could, um,

help her let loose
a little bit?

You know?

Give her the "Hawaii Five Oh"
experience?

The wink-wink, nudge-nudge massage,
you know?

I can't really wink,
but a wink-wink, nudge-nudge?

Are you okay?
Yeah.

Looks like you
had a bit of a fit.

No, no. That's wink...
That's wink-wink...

I feel like I've gotten
what you're trying to say.

Great.

But I figured it out.

You didn't really
communicate it to me.

Okay, that's fair.

Yes, you want the special
"I am blissful" massage?

Yeah.

Um...

How blissful is that?
Oh, don't worry.

Physically, no penetration.

Classy.

Spiritually, I'll be doing
an intimate tour of her qi.

Oh, you're gonna be
good in there. I can tell.

(MOANING)

How's the temperature
in here, Jeanie?

Oh, it's good. Good. Comfy.

Good. Take down
the light a little bit.

So you're getting
married, huh?

I am. Yeah.

I know it can be
a stressful time.

You know it's like,

"Who is this for,
me or my family?"

Yeah. I've recently had
an injury to my face...

which I'm a little
stressed out about.

Are you okay with oil?

Yeah, sure.

(MOANS)
You know, in my country...

they call oil
"God's beautiful lubricant."

It sounds better
in my language.

Khuda ka khubsurat lubricant.

Oh, that's lovely.

'Kay.

Some ground rules.

One, no emotions.

Okay.

Two, breathe.

Ahh... (GASPS)

Three,
there is no penetration,

only vibration.

(JEANIE MOANING)

What is happening?

I call this
"The Bent Penguin."

This one is just
"The Ham and Eggs."

This one is called
"When Moons Collide."

"Angry Hummingbird."
"Angry Hummingbird."

This one is called
"House by the Airport."

Just checking in.
Everything good?

Hope you're enjoying this.

For me,
it's just another Friday.

(MOANING ECSTATICALLY)

(SIGHS DEEPLY)
"Happy Doll."

This one is just called
"Taking a Break." I am pooped.

A little break. That's nice.

(BOTH YELLING)

Here we go again.

(MOANING)

Are you even touching me?

No, but my aura is.

Yes, it is!

Sweet baby Jesus!

(SIGHS)

How's it going?
(SCREAMS)

Shit, I thought
I was alone in here.

Oh, yeah. You're not.
I mean, we're alone.

How's Mike?
Still really jealous of me?

It's like, yeah, okay,
do I own a Tesla? Yes.

Do I make a shit-ton of money,
like, way more than Mike?

Yes. But it's like, who cares?

Do I get backstage tickets
to Rihanna?

Do I have a glass blowing
studio in my basement?

Hold up, backstage
tickets to Rihanna?

Yeah, she likes to
have me around. You know.

RiRi is Alice's jam.

Oh, RiRi, is it?

Yes.
That's funny.

She would freak out
if I got her

backstage tickets
to Rihanna.

Well, you could
get her tickets.

From me. I'm right here.

Are you serious?

Oh, God, steam rooms
just open up

your pores, you know?

They open up everything.

Backstage at RiRi is very fun.
Sometimes she plays the DJ.

You know,
just scratching records.

You know like...

(IMITATES RECORD SCRATCHING)

Shit, man. That's...

Are you saying you want me to
get in there for the tickets?

No. No, no, no. No.

(WHISPERS) Yes.

Tatiana?

Tatiana? Whoa.
(WOMAN SCREAMS)

Sorry about that.
Looking for my wedding date.

Tatiana?

JEANIE: Yeah, yeah, yeah...

(EXCLAIMING IN SHOCK)

(MOANING RAPIDLY)

Please leave, sir.

What are you doing
to my sister?

Mike, I'm coming.

No!

(MOANING)

(HUMMING)

(MOANING ECSTATICALLY)

Get out!

(SCREAMS)

TERRY: Oh, sure.
Oh, sure. Oh, sure.

So, are we, like,
close, or...

Let's put the washing machine
on spin cycle. There we go.

(SCREAMS)

What the... Tatiana!

Terry!

Tatiana!

Shut the fuck up, Mike.

(BOTH YELLING)

Whoa!

MIKE: I'm gonna kick your ass.

(BOTH GRUNTING)

He is losing this fight!

Oh, God!
I can see your nipple!

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Get your butt out of my face!

(YELLS)

(GROANING)

Well, thank you so much.

Um, I definitely needed this.

I know. Bring this gift
into your marriage.

All you need
is load-bearing ribbons.

Okay.

And a reinforced ceiling.

Oh.

I should warn you...

you may experience some
aftershock orgasms.

Oh.

So, I wouldn't operate
any heavy machinery

for a couple weeks.

That is not a euphemism
for penis. I mean like...

tractors, cranes...

Okay.
...big boats.

Good to know.

Oh, and please hydrate.

Okay.

I cannot stress this enough.
The consequences could be...

You could develop cancer.

You have a very
good friend.

Wait, you did that?

Yeah, well, I felt so bad
about your fucked up face...

and I wanted to
make it up to you.

Aw! Thank you.

Hey, who needs
a bachelorette party

when they have you around?

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

He rubbed my butt.
Yeah?

But with his butt.

It was like...
He was on ribbons.

I don't know what you did
with Jeanie in the spa...

but she's in a great mood.

Yeah, no problem.
She just needed a release.

Oh, um, I had an idea
for your graphic novel.

I thought you could do
like a Rum character,

who's like Rastafarian,
and he's like...

"I'm Rum Rum,
get in my tum-tum,

"and I play the steel drum."

(IMITATES STEEL DRUM)

"You can rum,
but you cannot hide, mon."

Yeah, that's awesome.
Already, that's so amazing.

No, that's such a good idea.
How did I not think of that?

I think when I get back,

I'm gonna stop
selling liquor with Mike...

and start drawing full time.

Really?
Yeah.

That's amazing.

Do you know how few people

know what they
really wanna do?

But then I think about

what Mike's gonna think
about it all...

and he's gonna
hate that idea.

He's so clingy.

When we were kids,

if I fell asleep
before Mike...

he would always wake me up
so he wouldn't feel alone.

That's kinda sweet.
Yeah.

I don't know. I just...

Do you ever
get that feeling...

that you're not good enough
to get what you really want...

so you're too
scared to try?

All the time.

Really?

Like, all the time.
It's terrifying.

It is, it's terrifying.
Yeah.

You're, like, stuck.

Totally.
Yeah.

Thanks. It's nice
talking to you about this.

Hey, where you going?

Is there a gang bang
in the ballroom

you need to emcee?

Don't be such a drama king.

Yeah,
I'm totally overreacting.

When you invite someone
to a wedding...

they obviously are supposed to

finger diddle
your family members.

That's common courtesy!

Okay, hold up.
I am a grown-ass woman.

I can finger diddle
whomever I want.

Just because
you say "whomever"

does not make it okay.

It's not a big deal.

It's just like
texting someone.

Oh.
It's just like Tinder.

Swipe right,
swipe right, swipe left.

Swipe left, swipe right.

That's very graphic.
That is...

Rotating your photos.

Expanding them,
contracting them.

Are you deliberately
trying to hurt me?

Is that what you're doing?

What? No!

I was just trying
to get RiRi tickets...

to make my best friend
feel better, okay?

We're on vacay.

No...

You are invited
to my sister's wedding.

You're supposed
to smile, nod...

and do what I
want you to do.

That's the deal.

I thought that
we had a connection.

Like a spark.

You thought you were
gonna bring me here

so that you could
have sex with me.

Yes. No! What? Yeah, right.

Really?

Yes, obviously.

You are so hot.
And you smell good.

It's not a weird thing that
I wanna have sex with you...

because you are very sexy...

and you were leading me on,
and we are in Hawaii...

which is a sexy place,
and people have sex here.

God, dude, you built this
all up in your head.

Alice and I just
saw you on TV...

wanted to go to Hawaii.
Hold up.

Fuck.

You saw us on TV?

No, I don't even
watch Wendy Williams.

(GASPING)
(GROWLING)

What?

What?
Shh!

I thought you dug me.

Are you even a teacher?

No.

What about little Julio...

the dyslexic boy
who you taught how to read?

Made it up. All of it.

Although I did have sex

with this guy
name Julio once...

and I'm pretty sure
he couldn't read.

Here I thought
you were Michelle Pfeiffer

from Dangerous Minds.

Turns out, you're Michelle Pfeiffer
from Scarface.

And you didn't even

(IMITATES TONY MONTANA)
say hello to my little friend.

(SCOFFS)

Oh, come on, man.

Mike.

(SIGHS)

I'm really sorry. Um...

I've been acting crazy.

It's probably about Luke,
my ex.

Oh, yeah. The guy who
died in the plane crash...

with cancer,
and AIDS, and stuff.

Yeah, that's the one.

Except none of that
stuff happened, 'cause, um...

I lied.

You lied?

I can't do this.

Wait.

Sorry.

That's okay. That's okay.

Sorry everyone.

I just forgot my phone.
Can I grab my phone?

Sorry, I still don't want
to get married.

(GUESTS BOOING)

(CRYING)
DAVE: Oh, my gosh.

That's almost as bad
as the plane crash story.

Why didn't you just tell me?

I didn't want you to think
I was damaged goods.

I would never think that.

"Love hurts.

"Love scars.

"Love wounds, and mars."

That's from a really old song,
for old people.

Why are you so nice?

(SNIFFLES)

'Cause I think you're nice.

MIKE: David!

David, I need you here
with me now. Come on.

No. No.

Stangles, assemble. Now!

Let's go.
Is he okay?

Yeah, I think he's fine.

He's just got
a lot on his mind.

Let's go!

Okay, I'm coming, dude.
Jeez.

(GRUNTS)

Oh... I...

You gave me a boost up. Okay.

A line has been drawn, David.

A clear line in the sand.

Is that why you brought me
all the way down here...

so you could literally
draw a line in the sand?

I'm a visual thinker, David.

God damn it!
Son of a...

These girls,
they've gotta go.

They pretended to dig us

just to get
a free trip to Hawaii.

They're liars!

So what, man? So they lied.

I was talking to Alice.

You have no idea
what this girl's been through.

She needed this trip.
We might have saved her life.

We should be practicing
our speech for tonight.

Not babysitting the twins
from The Shining.

(CHUCKLES)

Oh, my God.

Why are you laughing at me?

You sound like mom and dad
when they're talking about us.

Well, no, fuck that noise.

Oh. Oh. Oh.

Guess what!
You're gonna love this.

Tatiana was jerking off
our cousin Terry.

What?
Mmm-hmm.

Cousin Terry has a dick?

No, not "jerking off"
jerking off.

The female version
of jerking.

Dude, let's just chill out...

focus on Jeanie,
and try not to be assholes...

for the rest of the weekend,
okay? Can we do that?

I can't do that, David.

Because I saw
our little sister...

What?

Well, let's just say
she was making this face...

(IMITATES JEANIE MOANING)

What? She saw a ghost?

(MOANS LOUDLY)

She really had to pee?

(MOANS RAPIDLY)

Doing vocal warmups?

What are you doing? It looks
like you're having an orgasm.

She was, David!
With the masseuse.

What!
Yes!

Oh, my God!

She orgasms like a star.

No!

What's next?

I'm gonna walk in on mom
giving dad a Push Pop?

What's a Push Pop?

I made it up, Dave.

It's a sexual term
that I just made up.

What's a Push Pop?

I don't know.

What's a Push Pop?
I don't know!

What's a Push Pop?

I've been to the bowels
of the Internet,

and I've never seen
a Push Pop.

God, just tell me!
What's a Push Pop?

It's a whole hand
up an ass, David.

Is that what
you want me to say?

Oh, God!
Two hands pushin' the pop.

Oh, God. Is that what
you want me to say?

I'll send you some links.

(HAWAIIAN MUSIC PLAYING)

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

We're at table two.

I'll be at the bar.

I said table two.
I'll be at the bar!

You're out of control!

Thank you.

Trouble in paradise?

(EXHALES FORCEFULLY)

Freaking I don't care
if I cause a scene.

Freaking I will punch you
17,000 times

in the face. Freaking.

Take a shot.

You look like Don Johnson
fucked Zack Morris.

Wait till Tatiana
hears your shitty speech

after my crazy dope one.

She's never gonna
touch your baby bird again.

Thriller-Terry out!

(GRUNTING)

So sad!

DAVE: Oh, my God.
It's a movie about cameras

just following you everywhere.

Like The Truman Show.

Yeah! Exactly like
The Truman Show!

Hey, Dave! Dave!

Hey, what's up?

I need you to come
backstage right now

and practice the speech.

Uh...

Dude, I'm kind of
talking to Alice right now.

Which is a conversation
you've now interrupted twice.

Our speech needs to kill.

Terry got a punch up
from Chris Rock.

I didn't want to
tell you before

because I didn't want
you to freak out.

I'm not freaking out.

Calm the fuck down, Dave!

You calm the fuck down!

Mike, you look like
your face is gonna pop.

You gonna come or what?

Let's go.

I'll see you backstage.

(CHUCKLES)

Uh...

I'm gonna go deal
with this real quick.

Okay.

I'll just talk to myself
for a while. All alone.

ALICE ON PHONE:
...look on your stupid face!

What's wrong with me?

TATIANA: Don't fucking
look at her. Turn around.

Everybody get the fuck
out of here.

Fuck you, Luke.

I'm just gonna have
a little lie down, okay?

(ALICE SOBBING ON PHONE)

(CROWD APPLAUDING)

Hi!

Hi!
Hi!

Did you need to take
a little breather, too?

No. Why? Are you?

(CLICKS TONGUE) Well...

You know, you think that

every moment
is going to feel...

warm and glowy...

and absolutely magical.

But, then,
some stuff happens.

Sure does.
Yeah.

(BOTH CHUCKLE NERVOUSLY)

Well, if you want warm,
glowy and magical...

I have just the thing.

I don't leave
home without it.

(GASPS)

Ecstasy!
Oh!

Every bride deserves
to have a little fun

the night before
her wedding!

Yeah. I deserve to
have a little fun.

You are so nice to me.

Aww.

This is gonna be
so much fun!

(CHUCKLES)

We should find
something to suck on.

What? Oh.

(GRUNTS)
Mike!

Here. Put these on.

We need headsets?
Yeah!

There's a lot of dancing in our speech,
my man. Right?

Gotta go hands free.

This is how we
do it, baby.

Come on. Hey,
check this out.

I'm going to "wedding crash"
cousin Terry.

What?

Put a few eye drops
in her drink.

That way she shits all night,
and can't do the speech.

Just like in the movie
Wedding Crashers.

Mike, that is
a terrible idea.

You've seen the movie!

Of course
I've seen the movie.

You love that movie.
Everyone loves that movie.

How's it a bad idea
if you love the movie?

I love Taken. I don't want
to go steal little girls.

But we shouldn't wedding
crash our own cousin.

I'm worried about you, man.

I'm really worried that
you're losing your mind.

The look in your eyes
right now...

You haven't blinked since
we've started talking.

Oh, Davie, Davie, Davie!

What?

I've never been in more
control in my entire life.

(LAUGHS)
Mike!

Whoo!
Ugh. Mike!

This is really intense.

(ECHOING) Yeah,
it's hitting me really hard.

This is good ecstasy.

I don't know. I wouldn't know.
It's my first time.

Wait, what?
What?

Why would you take ecstasy
for the first time

on the night
before your wedding?

What?

That is so baller!

Like a tiny blonde gangsta!

This little gangsta
would kill

for a motherfucking
ginger ale!

(LAUGHS)

Do you wanna go?
Mmm-hmm.

Okay, let's go.

Hello, everyone.
Please take your seats.

Welcome to
the rehearsal dinner...

for my man, Eric...
(APPLAUSE)

and his bride-to-be,
the lovely Jeanie.

They're two of the sweetest,
best people I ever met.

All right.
Our first speaker tonight...

is resident nasty girl...

Cousin Terry.

(GUESTS CHEERING)

We can't let Terry crush.

It's not fair!

No. Give it to me.

My eyes are dry.
Just give it to me.

Do you guys know
who Chris Rock is?

He's my neighbor,
and he helped me out

with a little something
I like to call...

"my speech."

Stop. You're wasting it.
You're wasting the poison.

Mike, this is baby safe.

They removed
the active ingredient,

Tetrahydrozoline,
like 20 years ago!

It worked on
Wedding Crashers!

That was not real life!

Now let's talk about
destination weddings!

It's like a vacation...

without the relaxation!

(ALL LAUGHING)

That's true.

Why aren't you
on my side, Dave?

What?

I'm done with
this shit, man.

I'm not doing
our stupid speech.

In fact, I'm quitting
our liquor business.

There it is!

Really?
Yeah.

And what are you
gonna do?

I'm gonna draw!

I'm gonna work on
my graphic novel,

and Mom's gonna help me
cover the rent.

Boom!

You traitor!

TERRY: I ain't gotta rehearse!

I know how to eat dinner.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Keith, can you turn
me up a little bit?

MIKE ON SPEAKERS:
You turn your back on me...

when everyone else does.

Backstabbing, treacherous...

lying coward!

Ooh, I don't think
they know they're on.

What? Where is
that coming from?

I don't know what I did!

DAVE: It doesn't matter, Mike.

You're losing your mind.

You just tried to
poison our cousin Terry!

(ALL GASP)

Try a little harder.
Am I right?

You're goddamn
right I did.

Because I wanted
her to shit

hot brown poop
all over that stage.

That is unacceptable.

The mics are on, boys.

I wanted her butt to explode
like a rotten cantaloupe.

The mics are on!

You're just fucking
pissed off

because Tatiana
finger diddled Terry.

(GASPS)
There it is!

It was for tickets
to Rihanna.

You're sad, man.
You are sad.

I'm gonna kick your ass
just like when we were kids.

(YELLS)
(GRUNTS)

ALL: Oh!
My God!

Do you wanna go?
Don't do it!

These are coming
your way.

Just stop!

(GROANS)

God! That had to hurt.

Don't do it again.
(YELLS)

ALL: Oh!

(DAVE GRUNTING)

(MIKE GROANING)

MIKE: Why do you
keep punching me?

DAVE: Why do you
keep rushing at me?

Get him, Dave.

Oops, who said that?

This wedding is
going to hell!

Yes.

MIKE: They're out there,
smiling like fucking idiots.

And they don't
realize the bride...

is getting off
at massage parlors...

like a goddamn
Vietnam War veteran.

(ALL GASP)

I think they misunderstood
what happened.

I think they just
misunderstood.

MIKE: I walked in
and saw little Jeanie...

the bride-to-be, orgasming.

The masseuse got her off.

God damn it!

Jeanie!

I hate you!

(ALL GASP)

(BOTH GRUNTING)

KEITH: The rehearsal
dinner is over.

Drinks by the pool, everybody.
Drinks by the pool.

(ALICE WHOOPING)

(JEANIE LAUGHING)

Everything feels
so good, right?

Yep.

You know what I've been
thinking about a lot?

Tell me.

Eric is so sweet
and sensitive.

Kind, good, fiancé.

Probably great husband
and stuff, but...

Do you think Eric is boring?

Boring?

Like for my honeymoon...

all I wanted to do was go
on a hot air balloon...

to different countries
around the world.

And just be surrounded
by wicker.

We could have
wicker picnic baskets...

and I could make
picnic hats out of wicker.

We would be wearing
matching Chuck Taylors.

And he vetoed it.
Oh!

Because he wants to
go to a resort, and just...

...perch.
What?

I am a young woman...

Preach!

There is so much
for me to see.

Yes.

I haven't even
been to Burning Man.

I don't even know
what Amsterdam is like.

I haven't been to Seattle.

You've never
been to Seattle?

No!

Seattle's gonna change
your fucking life!

Really?

You need to get out
of this cage!

I am in a cage...

just like these
horses are caged.

Just let them out.

Huh?

Let them all out.

Be free!
No one can hold you down!

Be free, my friends!
Follow your dreams!

Here to pile on?

Go ahead.

Any insult
you can think of...

I've probably told myself
a million times.

Why were you trying to
poison your cousin?

I was jealous of the whole
steam room incident.

That is some crazy shit.

That's like something
I would do.

This one time
in high school...

this bitch tried to
hit on my boyfriend...

and I cut off her ponytail
while she was sleeping...

and I wore it to
school for a month.

What the fuck?

But you tried to
poison your cousin.

Look. I'm sorry I've been
so rough on you, okay?

I honestly think it's because
you're so much like me.

You act all confident...

but, inside, you're
scared of everything.

You act like you don't care
what people think...

but you really care
what people think.

And you try
to act so smart...

but sometimes...

you're just afraid

you're the dumbest
person in the world.

I'm so dumb.

I'm constantly
saying words

that I don't know
the meaning of.

Like, I use this word,
"assuage"...

all the time.

Can you assuage me
the ketchup?

Can I assuage you
a few questions?

Is that the meaning of it?

I don't know.

But it's like,
I'm so stupid...

but I act all confident,
so people listen to me.

And it's fucked up.

Me, too.
I'm a natural born leader.

Like George Washington.

Yeah.

Or another leader.

All right, here's one.

But I'm about to get super
real with you. Okay?

I thought I was destined
for such great things...

but I may never
achieve anything.

Sister.

Have you been
reading my diary?

Yes.

Okay.

ALICE: You are beautiful!

JEANIE: On to Seattle!

Alice?

Am I glowing?

I can see sounds
and hear colors.

(MIMICS HORSE SNORTING)
Be free!

What the fuck are the
horses doing out?

Who the fuck are you guys?

Fucking gypsies!

Francisco!
Francisco, run!

Whoa! Shit!

Hey.

Dave! Hi.

What's up?
What's up with you?

What's going on?
Are you okay?

Me?

Yeah. I'm fine.

Oh. Yeah. Well...

Yeah. See,
what happened was that...

there was a tsunami,

and it took away
our clothes...

but it brought
these horses.

What?

And then, we wanted
to get naked

because of Lady Godiva...

but then horses
can't eat chocolate.

They could have
an aneurysm.

Where's Jeanie?

Hey, don't yell at her
just because she's the one...

that told me to go to Seattle.
Holy shit!

I've always wanted to go!
Oh, my God!

That is not
her fault.

Oh, my eyes!
What's the matter?

Stop yelling. Why are you
yelling? David, stop yelling.

You're being loud.
And this a happy time.

This a really good time.

There's nothing wrong.
So who's at fault?

Did you know that
Hitler's parents

were second cousins?

Do you have any water?
Put your clothes on!

I'm a woman, Dave.
Deal with it.

(GROANS)

Because this is the bush
that you came out of.

I didn't come
from that bush.

I came from Mom's bush.
And you know that.

Jeanie! Oh, my God!

You're completely naked!

Hi, Becky!

God, your bush
is huge.

You look tall.
No, ma'am.

I told you to stay away
from these bitches.

Alice, seriously,
are you tripping?

No. God, no.

Why would say that?

Just because everything
feels really soft?

Please.
Just tell me the truth.

Are you on drugs?

We're super
fucked up. Yeah.

What?

We started with ecstasy,

but then I went into
my mystery bags.

Why the fuck
would you do that?

Don't you
judge me, David.

I don't think you're supposed
to go into the mystery bag...

the night before
the wedding.

We brought you here because we
thought you were nice girls.

But Mike was right
about you two.

This whole wedding weekend
is just going to shit!

Dave, I'll be
honest with you.

I need some clothes.

I can't continue
to wear this horse.

Oh, my God.

Oh, the wind feels
so nice.

Come on, come on,
come on.

(GASPS) We should
go in the ocean.

I'm so thirsty! Dave, we
should get in the ocean.

(SHUSHING) Please, please,
please, just be quiet.

I love this song.

There's no music playing.

JEANIE: Baby, wait.

Don't worry.
Only our butts touched.

Stop it. Don't freak out
anymore, Pumpkin!

Don't freak out?
Don't freak out?

Tell me one thing.

Did you enjoy it?

No.

That is such a "yes" no.

No.

I'm gonna ask you again.
Did you enjoy it?

Yes! Oh.

Well...

Cat's out of
the frigging bag, isn't it?

JEANIE: I went for
a normal massage...

but Alice, she had asked
for a little special treat.

And then it just kept coming,
and coming, and coming, and...

Who are these
fucking girls

your brothers brought
to this wedding?

You are clearly
on drugs.

And we're getting
married tomorrow!

I'm scared, Pumpkin.

Aren't you scared?

Well, yeah, now I am.

JEANIE: It's just that...

I'm just a little worried
that you are...

boring.

What are you saying?

You don't want
to marry me?

(CRYING)

(BOTH GASP)

Well...

No, she doesn't mean that.
She's just confused...

because she's just rolling
super hard right now.

You rolled her!

You're the roller!

I'm so sorry.

I was gonna draw Rum for you.
But not anymore.

(IN JAMAICAN ACCENT)
Everything is not irie, man!

You've made me so,
so sad.

But a little bit mad.

But mostly just sad.

Oh!

Dad!
Don't!

Mike, for once
in your life...

please don't say
a fucking word.

I hate them sometimes.

Fucking love them
and they're dicks.

Sometimes I love them,
sometimes I hate them.

Everything okay
over there?

I can't find my other sock.
It's pissing me off.

Did you take
my sock, bro?

No.

I think you took
my fucking sock, bro.

God damn it.

I can't believe Jeanie and
Eric aren't getting married...

and it's all our fault.

It's slightly our fault.

It's totally
our fault. Fuck.

We got selfish.
We got distracted.

I don't think we were
#DoingltForJeanie at all.

We weren't
#DoingltForJeanie.

Our fucking little sister.

Our little
Jeanie Beanie Weanie.

She is Stanglita.

The one little girl we used to
let into our Stang Hangs.

The Stangle Dangle.

The smallest plane
in the Stangar.

Don't do it, dude.

We're supposed to be
her protector.

Don't you cry.

We're supposed to
look out for her.

Stop it.

We're supposed
to be the two dudes

that have her back
no matter what.

If you start,
I'm gonna start.

We broke up her marriage.

Of course I'm fucking
doing it, man.

We ruined
Jeanie's wedding.

I'm doing it, too.

(BOTH CRYING)
I hate it.

(BAWLING)

Oh, man, we fucked
up this wedding.

Yeah.

We fucked it
in the dick.

(GROANS)

You know I don't like it when you say that.
That's just...

I know, but we fucked it
so hard. Fuck.

I think the reason
we get ourselves

into so much shit is...

we're always
telling each other

we're so awesome...

when we're definitely
not being awesome.

That's deep.

Yeah, you know what?
Um...

I wanted you
to feel better...

and get your groove back...

but not all the way
better to where...

you wouldn't
need me anymore.

Because if you
don't need me...

then nobody needs me,
and, um...

Anyway, that's what
I was thinking

when I was knuckles deep
into Cousin Terry.

Dude, we're always
gonna need each other.

Okay.

Okay, here's the thing.

I don't wanna
stop being us.

But I think
occasionally...

we should think about how
we make other people feel.

Like Jeanie?

Yeah, like Jeanie.

Oof.
Or like Eric.

Oh, fuck.

This feels
fucking terrible.

This does not feel good.

Like, Dave's
so special and...

He must be
so mad at me.

Poor Mike.

He's less special,
but I played him so hard.

They must be
so mad at us!

They must hate us. Fuck!
I would hate us.

I would fucking
hate us!

I hate us, man.
I hate us!

I hate us, too!

But you're the best, dude.
I love you.

Don't lump yourself
in with me.

I'm like
a little troll...

who lives
on nothing but

river water
and squirrel meats.

Your drawing? I could never
do anything like that.

So go.
You go right now.

What?

Go!

Don't let your loser older
brother hold you back.

You are not a loser.

Thanks, Dave.

Dude, you introduced me
to the Ninja Turtles.

Taught me Donatello
was a pussy.

That Raphael
was actually dope...

because he didn't give a
fuck what people thought.

He's cool, but rude.

Exactly.

When all those kids
kicked at me

and they called me
"Moist"...

you stopped
eating muffins

at the school lunch
for a year.

They were too moist.

Made you
an easy target.

You're my brother.
And I love you.

Heroes in a half shell.

Turtle power.

(YELLS)

We're not
going anywhere...

until our little sister,
Jeanie Beanie Weanie...

is getting married.

(YELLS)

(GASPS)

You just killed
the TV.

I was aiming for it.

MIKE: We are such idiots.
We are so stupid.

We ruined
your whole wedding...

and we finally
just realized that.

All right. Please just
stop talking, okay?

Not another word.
My head hurts so bad.

Jeanie, Eric.

We can't let you
not get married

just because we
fucked everything up.

DAVE: We love you
so much, Jeanie.

We love you, Eric.

We just want you guys
to love each other.

Just love each other.
That's it.

(DOOR OPENS)
(GASPS)

Jeanie, Eric.

We can't let you
not get married.

ALICE: Yeah. Just because
we fucked everything up?

I mean, we want you guys
to love each other.

Love each other.

Okay.
This is bizarre,

because we literally
did that...

BOTH:...exact same thing.

We're even doing
this hand motion.

Yeah, all that
was ours.

The point is, this
shit is all our fault.

No, it's our fault.

No, it's definitely
our fault.

It is our fault
for sure.

No, no, no. For real.

If anything,
it's my fault.

(ALL ARGUING)

Shh! Please stop.

Everyone shut the fuck up!

Jesus Hussein Christ.

God damn it!

Been trying to read
this same paragraph...

for 20 minutes.

But you four fucking morons
keep on fucking with my shit.

We've only been here
for three minutes...

so those other 17 minutes...

that's kind of on you...
Mike!

I'm using hyperbole.

I don't know
what that means,

and I think you
know that I don't.

Mike, do me a favor.
Shut the fuck up.

Go Eric.

Shut up too!

I mean, God damn it!

You're all self-absorbed,
barely-functioning...

codependent weirdos!

Yeah.
I know.

MIKE: That's pretty spot-on.

ALICE: We just
figured that out.

Those are not good qualities.
We're gonna work on it.

It's been a long time.
It's been so many years.

We're both very confused.

ALICE: No, no.
You're not confused.

You're just coming
down off MDMA.

Sorry. Which I gave you.

And Eric, you can't blame her

for anything
she said last night.

I've done so much
stupid shit on E.

I got so dehydrated that
I was drinking puddle water...

and I had to go
to the hospital...

'cause puddles
are really dirty.

DAVE: One time
I was on peyote...

and I signed up
for a T-Mobile plan.

TATIANA: One time I got high.

I read the back of a shampoo
bottle for 13 hours.

Because it said "repeat."

Rinse and repeat.
I get it.

Jeanie, I know you think
that Eric can be boring...

Enough of this
talk of boring!

Damn it!

Sixty percent
of my investments

are in some pretty
aggressive stocks.

I don't always look both ways
when I cross the street.

I've been known to have
a second glass of wine...

with my dinner,
every now and then.

I once went to
see a movie...

walked across the hallway,
saw a second movie.

Didn't pay till after.

Is that boring?

Is that boring?

What'd you say?
Yeah.

You're right. We were wrong.
That was pretty boring.

Well, how about this
for boring?

Bam!
(GASPS)

Two hot air balloon tickets
for our honeymoon.

(EXCLAIMS)

I know you really
wanted to go...

so I got these tickets
a while ago to surprise you.

Surprise.

ALL: Aww!

Baby, you're so
afraid of heights.

Baby, I'm fucking
terrified of heights.

Yeah.

But my biggest fear...

is to not be the husband
that you deserve.

JEANIE: Baby, I'm sorry
I fucked so much of this up...

but I promise
that masseuse...

He didn't touch
my lavender juice box.

Oh God, baby. I love you.

And I know
I want to marry you.

Today, if you'll
still have me.

Babe, of course.
Are you kidding me?

Kiss her.

Baby, I'm crazy
about you.

BOTH: Aww!

I want to marry you
right now...

but, baby, we already
canceled all the vendors.

I don't think they're going
to let us get married here.

Leave that to us.

(I BELIEVE IN A THING
CALLED LOVE PLAYING)

Leave that to
all of us.

Yeah!
Let's go, Mike.

This way! Oh, fuck!

We'll actually
just head around.

Girl.
I'm good.

So what part
you like, brah?

We need the whole pig.
I can't give you a whole pig.

But we need to feed 100 people.

Could we please, please
have the wedding here?

For the last time,
we're out of venues.

Hold me back.
Hold me back, please.

What?

Give us a place!

Everybody out of the way!

It's hot. So hot!

Out of the fucking way!
I want my pig back!

What if I supplied
all the liquor...

for every bar
in this hotel...

at wholesale prices
for the next three years?

Deal.
Yes! Fuck yes!

I'll get you guys a venue.

(GRUNTS)

Ahh!

(BECKY GRUNTING)

BECKY: Keith, get it together.

We need to move,
move, move.

I'm doing my best.

Hell yeah!

(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING)

DAVE: And now...

a reading...

from the children's book
that I got in the lobby.

Oh.
"Aloha moon.

"Aloha sea.

"Aloha you.

"Aloha me."

I do.
I do.

MIKE: By the power
vested in me...

I now pronounce you
husband and wife.

Those assholes
kind of did it.

(LAUGHS) Yeah.

Those assholes
kind of did.

You may kiss the bride.

MIKE: Okay. Kiss the bride.

Kiss the bride.

(ALL CHEERING)

Uh-huh.

(LAUGHS)

(LAUGHING)

Yay!

(PLAYING HAWAIIAN MUSIC)

MIKE: You designed this?
TATIANA: Yeah.

Insane. We're at a wedding,
it's in the shape of a heart.

That was a really
good idea.

I have so many good ideas.

At my last job,
I was on fire with ideas.

Huh? Actually,
I need a new partner...

because Dave is bailing
on me to draw things.

Would you wanna...

maybe come work for me?

Really?

What do you know
about liquor?

Um, only that it's
delicious and I love it.

And those are the two
things you need to know.

You are hired. (LAUGHS)

Great. When do I start?

You can start
right away...

but just know that there
will be some late nights.

Keep it in
your pants, okay?

If we're going to work together,
let's just...

keep it professional.

Okay.

We'll keep it
professional, then.

Good.

All right.
Good.

Okay.
Okay.

Okay.
Yeah.

Are you sure?
I don't know.

What?

What'd you say?
What?

(SINGING) Love me tender

Love me sweet

Never let me go

You have made
my life complete

I don't.

Love me tender

Love me true

All my dreams fulfilled

(LAUGHING)

For my darlin' I love you

Tatiana said
this was gonna happen.

You got my groove back.

Really?

That's the sweetest thing
anyone's ever said to me.

(LAUGHS)

(SIGHS)

I like you.

(DAVE MOANING)

Wait. There's
people everywhere.

Let them watch.
Mmm. Okay.

Whoa!

Hi, everyone.

Excuse us. Could we have
your attention, please?

My husband and I...

want to thank four
very incredible people...

for saving the day.

Mike and Dave have asked
to say a few words...

so we would like to
invite them up.

Come on, boys.

Thank you, Jeanie.

We never got to
give our speech

at the rehearsal dinner.

Because we ruined it.
With fights.

But we just wanted
everybody here to know...

exactly how we
feel about you.

MIKE: Lights.

(WHISPERING) You gotta get
bigger and bigger.

Did you know
this was coming?

(SHUSHING)

(YOU ARE SO BEAUTIFUL PLAYING)

(SINGING)
You are so beautiful

So beautiful

Aww.

To me

BOTH: Aww.

Can't you see?

You're so beautiful

This is real beautiful, man.

You're everything I hoped for

In a little sister!
Oh!

You're everything I need

Everything that I need

They're kind of good.
(CHUCKLES)

You are so beautiful

As a couple. Right guys?

BOTH: Oh!

To me

And to you.

And to you. To all of us.

You're beautiful, Jeanie!

BOTH: Oh!

(CRYING)

Dave, everybody.
(APPLAUSE)

He's gonna draw!

Love you!

So sweet.

Thought they were gonna
blow it. They did not.

That's good.

(SINGING)
This is how we do it

This is how we do it

This is how we do it

This is how we do it

It's Friday night

(GRUNTS)
Oh, you don't throw...

And I feel all right

The party's here
on the west side

So I reach for my forty
and I turn it up

Designated driver
got the keys to my truck

Hit the shore
'cause I'm faded

Faded

Honey on the streets saying

Monty, yo, we made it

I'm kinda buzzed
and it's all because

This is how we do it

South Central does it
like nobody does

This is how we do it

(LAUGHS) All right.

To all my neighbors,
you got much flavor

This is how we do it

#StangleBenoit201 6.

MAN: Hell yeah! Fo sho!

DAVE: Oh, God!

Well...

(PANTING)

I picked a bad pose, guys.

Fireworks!

These are for you, Jeanie!

(ALL GASPING)
Fireworks close the show!

Those are from China,
those fireworks.

(ALL SCREAMING)

(THE BOYS ARE BACK IN TOWN
PLAYING)

You idiots! You fucking...

(WHINNYING)

(MIKE AND TATIANA MOANING)

This is cool.

I didn't know
you could do it this way.

(MOANS LOUDLY)
Oh...

I'm done.

Fuck. Holy shit.

Okay.

That was great.
Good job.

(HORSE WHINNYING)

(DANG DIGGITY DANG PLAYING)

Whoo!

(CREW LAUGHING)

I'm so behind right now
on Game of Thrones.

I don't even know
what's happening

with Khaleesi and her
Dothraki boyfriend.

Okay. Well he's dead,
and so is Jon Snow.

Jon Snow?

Fuck that dude.
I'm taller than him anyways.

Saw him.
(LAUGHING)

I just found out
some spelunker

went dunkin' in
your bunker.

(ALL LAUGHING)

You are fresh as a fucking
dick in the morning.

That's not
that fresh.

Have you ever sucked a dick
in the morning? (LAUGHS)

I brush my teeth
with dick, girl.

MAN: All right. Okay.
What?

Oh. Fox don't
like that joke?

(ALL LAUGHING)

I'm gonna throw up.
You look like meat!

Inner dialogue,
inner dialogue.

I once got
lockjaw so bad

that I was sucking a
homeless man's thumb.

Dave actually had to come
get me from the hospital...

because they found 13 Pokémon
pogs and a slammer...

shoved up
my butthole.

I just had to wait
to poop them out.

Pikachu.

Pikachu.

Charmander.

That's okay. No, no.
Keep your dick in.

(CREW LAUGHING)

For most of my life,
I thought goat cheese...

was a slang term for
cheese that's gone bad.

I'd see moldy cheese
and I'd be, like,

"Dude, that
cheese is goat."

Like, "Get that goat
cheese off the counter."

You look like a
deconstructed taco.

Like carnival food.

Like the waffle that the
chef would just go,

"We're throwing
that away."

What are we doing?

(ALL LAUGHING)

(MIKE BAWLING)

(SINGING)
And the home

Of the

Brave

Play ball, Mike.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

(STANG LIFE
PLAYING)

MIKE: (RAPPING)
You know we saw my nigga

DAVE: Mike and me forever
It's the Stang life, bitch

Stang life, getting rich
Selling fucking liquor quick

Mike and me forever
It's the Stang life, bitch

Stang life

I will never die
I'm a Stangle, bitch

Brunch make me nut a D
on the B

Flying fucking girls to my
sister's wedding at the beach

Now we have first-class seats
Couldn 't hold me back, G

Jeanie's single, then, wow

Sipping Cristal
Sipping, sipping Cristal

Sipping Cristal

Jeanie Jeanie Beanie Weanie
Getting married with Eric

Guaranteed he's got
a big, big weenie

I'm proud of my little sis

Proud that she got
a wedding ring

And a necklace
Eric is my brother now

So that means I'm kinda black

Oh, wait, not really
I'm white, man

I'm just happy to be
related to you, honestly

Shout out to Eric

I be like Superman
Let me out the cage

I got out of my cast
and I flipped the page

And now I'm drawing comic
books like I used to do

Kinda cool

Little sister Jeanie
getting married too

Mike and me forever
It's the Stang life, bitch

Stang life, getting rich
Selling fucking liquor quick

Mike and me forever
It's the Stang life, bitch

Stang life

I will never die
I'm a Stangle, bitch

We'll put the wedding
back together

First we broke it up
But we made it better

Nobody makes fun of me
in any way

'Cause I got Mike by my side

Know what he said?
Scoliosis

Now I'm fucking your bitch

Scoliosis
Now I'm fucking two chicks

Scoliosis
Vroom, vroom, vroom

Coming through the jungle
at you like, "Unh!"

Mike and Dave Stangle
on the A TV

MIKE: "We're gonna die!"
DAVE: It's my girls and me

My crew and us
We just cruising through

And fucking back-flips
off jumps guaranteed

Ran over my sister's face
It was kinda wack

But you know what?
We came back from that

You're getting married now
And it's okay

You're so Jurassic
You're so fantastic

Mike and me forever
It's the Stang life, bitch

Stang life, getting rich
Selling fucking liquor quick

Mike and me forever
It's the Stang life, bitch

Stang life

I will never die
I'm a Stangle, bitch

MIKE: My boy Dave
putting pen to paper

Trying to get
this damn label off

Like Aftermath

Vanilla Ice remodeled my house

Told Dave and I
we should start rapping

My brother's
the best white rapper

(BLEEP) Eminem!