Michelle Wolf: Nice Lady (2017) - full transcript

- ( music playing )
- ( chatter )

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen,
Michelle Wolf!

( cheering, applause )

Oh, stop, stop!

Thank you, thank you!

Guys!

Boy!

What a time to be alive, huh?

I probably don't need
to say this,

but I should
just let everyone know,

- I am a feminist.
- Woman: Whoo!



I... yeah, one person,
that's all.

Uh, that's about average.

Oh, feminism is fairly unpopular,
so I should also point out

I'm not, like,
a buy-my-own-drinks kind of feminist.

We all have our lines.
Mine is at the bar.

It's like, "I want equal pay
and a chardonnay!"

Well, then, just the chardonnay.

I do think as feminists

we're fighting
for too many things right now.

Like, there's some feminists
that are like,

"We wanna be in charge of stuff

and we wanna get paid the same."

And then there's
other feminists
that are like,

"We wanna free the nipple
on Instagram."



It's like, "Hey, can we focus?

I know she's more fun,
but can we focus?"

It's like if during
the Revolutionary War,

if some soldiers were like,
"We wanna be independent!"

and then other soldiers
were like,

"We wanna free the nipple
on Instagram!"

You'd be like,
"Yeah, maybe England
should stay in charge of you.

You sound like you'd be
fairly irresponsible."

Also just logically,
we focus our attention
and power on one thing.

We're much more likely
to get it accomplished.

So, personally, I think
we should go after equal pay.

But if all the women voted,
and we got on the same page,

and we wanted to go
after nipple, fine,

I'll fight nipple,
I'm a team player.

It's just hard
for me to even believe that
that was a woman's idea.

Sounds like a man infiltrated
a meeting and he was like,

"We gotta get these nipples
on Instagram!

Did you hear we can't?

It's not fair...

for the women.

You know me, my main concern
is the women."

( exhales )

"It's why I call 'em
'the women.'"

And the whole debate is
men are allowed to have

their nipples on Instagram;
women aren't.

Well, here's an easier solution.

Just get male nipples
off of Instagram.

I've never seen a man's nipple
and been like,

"Oh, now my day's better.

Boy, do I love looking
at those useless skin tags."

We gotta focus!

We gotta focus
on what we're fighting for.

Stop going after shiny objects.

Like, we kept campaigning
to get women on money.

We're gonna get one.

I don't care who's on my money.

I mostly use a credit card,

and there's a picture
of a cat on that.

And I picked it,
'cause I'm the person
you think I am.

There were a ton of options.
I was like, "Cat."

And then I saw
a second cat option.

I was like, "I gotta open
another account."

I can't choose between two cats!

I'm not a monster.

No, I don't wanna donate
to your children's charity.

Like, why you wanna put
a woman on a dollar, anyway?

It's not like a man's
gonna look down at it

and be like, "Oh, right,
I gotta start respecting these.

I'm sorry, stripper,
I can't give this to you.

I mean, Mrs. Stripper."

So much is happening right now.

I think a lot of us
are still trying to figure out

how Hillary lost.

I do have a theory
on why Hillary lost.

I think it's 'cause
no one likes her.

Like, I voted for her,
but I don't like her.

Like, if she came up
to talk to me at a party,

I'd be like, "I'm sorry.
I have to go to the bathroom."

And then if she tried
to talk to me in the bathroom,

I'd be like, "I'm sorry.
I have to use the men's room.

I just made a life choice."

But you shouldn't like Hillary.

She's a bitch.

You have to be a bitch
to be that powerful.

We're never gonna have
a nice lady run for president.

Nice ladies aren't
in charge of things.

And if you're in charge
of something

and you think
you're a nice lady,
no one else does.

( laughter and applause )

There are whole email chains

about how much
you're not a nice lady.

And Hillary isn't nice,
she's not fun,

she doesn't go to brunch.

She eats, like,
a hard-boiled egg in the morning

and then nothing
the rest of the day.

She doesn't even peel it.

She just squashes it
in her fist.

She gets hungry in the afternoon

and then slaps a man
and goes, "Full now."

( applause )

And I get it,
I get not liking Hillary,

but the one thing that I think
is completely unforgivable

is some people would be like,
"Well, you know what it is?

I just can't listen to her.

She has such
a shrill voice,"
and it's like,

( shrilly ) well, sometimes...

( laughter )

...that's just what happens
to your voice.

Sometimes you're a person
with a shrill voice,

and there's nothing
you can do about it,

( increasingly shrill )
'cause you don't get to
choose your voice!

I was never like,
"Oh, you know what,

I'll take the voice that causes
dogs to gather outside.

No, no, I want it
to be so shrill

that if I suck the helium
out of a balloon,

it wouldn't change
my voice at all."

That might be a 100% real thing
that happened to me.

I wasn't like,
"No, leave the sexy voices
for someone else.

This hair will take care
of the rest of it."

That's a real one-two punch.
"Hi, how are you?"

( deeper )
"Well, this seems
like it'll be normal."

And I get it, I get it!

You don't want
four years of this voice,

just like I know you don't wanna
wake up next to this voice.

You don't want me going,
"Hey, good morning!

Oh, you lost your boner?"

This is a real
wind-out-of-the-sails
kind of voice!

This isn't a phone sex voice.

No one's calling in to hear,

"Where do you want
to put your penis?"

It's not a fun voice, I get it,

but it is the voice of someone
that gets shit done.

It's like,
"Hey, I'm gonna keep talking

unless you agree to this!"

We gotta focus,
'cause a lot of times

I think people think
we're moving forward,

like women are moving forward,
we're making progress,

and I'm like,
"Is that progress?"

Like, "Sports Illustrated"
will put a plus-size model

on their swimsuit issue,
and a lot of women will be like,

"Bravo, 'Sports Illustrated.'

You're so innovative."

That's not innovative!

They just finally realized

that men will also masturbate
to fat women.

You wanna be innovative?

Put a completely clothed woman
in there

and just talk
about her personality.

Like, "This is Rhonda.
She loves quilting.

Let's get into the detail."

Even women would be like,
"I don't wanna read that."

Also you don't have to yell it.
It's a magazine.

( chuckles )

And there's this whole wave
of women right now,

that we're showing
that we're confident

by posting naked
or almost naked pictures online.

Being like, "I don't care
what you think about my body.

I'm confident.
Please like and subscribe."

And it feels anti-feminist
to be like, "Don't post that,"

but at the same time,
I don't know what
our goal is here.

I don't know
what we're working toward.

Like, I think there's other ways
to show that you're confident.

Like, I don't think
Ruth Bader Ginsburg's

ever been like,
"I gotta get out of this robe

and show people
what I'm really about.

Plus I know you're all dying
to see this little bird body."

( laughter )

We want every woman
to be confident

and every woman to be beautiful.

We have to be beautiful.

Like, Bruce Jenner
turned into Caitlyn,

and immediately we were like,

"She is so brave and beautiful."

Okay, fine, I'll give you brave.

( laughter )

She wants to be who she is
and she should be,

but she should know who she is
is an okay-looking older lady,

the kind of person
that if you were in a room,

you'd be like,
"Oh, she could help me move."

( laughter )

But that's a great trait!

That's why
we should respect people,

not for how pretty they are,
for how useful they are.

What would you rather have,
a pretty friend

or a friend
that can help you move?

Always a friend
that can help you move,

because then maybe
you're the pretty friend.

We gotta stop,
we gotta stop telling
everyone they're beautiful.

We need ugly people.

Ugly people get shit done.

There's no one in a lab
trying to cure cancer

'cause he was
just drowning in pussy.

He's working very hard
to cure cancer

so that later
he can drown in pussy.

That's the American dream.

If you want your children
to be successful,

tell them they're ugly,
tell them every day.

And I know, parents,
that's very hard

because you made
a perfect angel,

but you look her
in the face and you say,

"You have a face that means
you're gonna need to work hard."

That kid will change the world

or murder you.

But that's a risk
you should take for us.

And I'm glad, I'm so glad
we live in a world

where people
like Caitlyn Jenner can exist.

I just wish we were saying

what we really wanted
to say about it,

which is I'm glad you get to be
who you wanna be.

We should all be
who we wanna be.

I still fucking hate
your personality.

Whether you're a man
or a woman, Caitlyn,

you still killed
a lady with your car.

Yeah. That lady's still dead.
She can't come back as a man.

( laughter )

And everyone's like,

"She's so brave,
she's such a hero."

Well, if Bill Cosby
turned into a lady,

would we just forget
about all the rapes,

like, more than we already have?

He's getting away with it.

The detective work on that
has been lazier than his eye.

Oh, come on,
I think the least
we can do at this point

is make fun of Bill Cosby's eye.

( applause )

For years, for years

people were like,
"Don't, he's a legend."

His eye is, like,
the only part of his body

that was like,
"I can't do this anymore.

I gotta look away."

And he was like,
"One Quaalude for you,

and one Quaalude for you.

Shh, go to sleep."

So much is happening!

We're trying to figure out
where trans people

can go to the bathroom...

Who saw that one coming?

Probably trans people.

And here's the thing.

Most politicians are men,
so men are making the laws,

and they think
that if trans women
use women's bathrooms

that women will feel unsafe,

and I think that comes
from a fundamental
misunderstanding

about what happens
in a women's bathroom.

( laughter )

And to be fair,
we have made it very mysterious.

We always go in groups,

there's a huge line outside,

people go in,
but they never come out...

It's a whole Willy Wonka
situation.

When we finally
do get back to the table,

we're all giggly,
and you're like,
"What happened?"

And we're like, "We can't say.

But I have new hair now.

Also this is
my new best friend Ashley.

She's gonna live with us."

Every woman has some sort
of Ashley from the bathroom

in their phone.

Men do, too,
but for a very different reason.

So we've had... we've made
bathrooms very mysterious,

but in reality,
in a women's bathroom,

at any point,
if you see genitals,

something has gone
terribly wrong.

We're a very private people.

No one's walking in the bathroom

being like, "Labias out, ladies!

Let's get to comparing.

You're another redhead.
I wanna see that."

No, we're private!

We go in the bathroom,
we go in the stall,

we lock the door,
we pee, poop, or cry,

and then we leave.

The only thing we're
ever really worried about

is "Do they know
I'm the one that pooped?"

I tried to cough a lot
and only go when the hand dryer
was on...

which is a crazy thing
for women to worry about

in a women's bathroom.

Who are you trying
to impress in there?

If anything,
you should poop very loudly,

'cause then if there's
an attacker in there,

he'll be like,
"Well, not that one!"

( laughter )

"I'm evil, I'm not crazy."

That's good self-defense
in general.

You have to walk home
late at night,

fart the whole way.

Be your own rape whistle.

Like, "Not ( imitates fart )
to-( imitates fart ) -day."

That's a great strategy
if you just accidentally fart
in public.

Like, you thought
it was gonna be silent,

and then your body betrayed you,

next time just be like,
"Yeah, that was just a warning.

I'm a very dangerous person.

There's more
where that came from.

Now if you turn your attention
back to this PowerPoint..."

( laughter )

"...you'll see
that third-quarter profits

are on their way up."

Men, you wanna make bathrooms
better for women?

Get those four-year-old
little boys out of there!

Always poking their creepy
little heads under the stalls

being like, "Are you my mom?"

"I told you,
not anymore, Kevin!"

And I don't know
why men are so concerned

about our bathrooms.

I'm worried
about your bathrooms.

You don't lock yourselves
in a stall.

You just stand up against a wall
and watch each other pee.

You have your pants undone
while you're looking at a wall.

You are just ripe
for the raping.

( laughter and applause )

And you designed both bathrooms.

You gave yourselves
a shittier bathroom.

Give yourselves enough stalls,
sit while you pee,

rest those legs.

You gotta be tired
from stomping on us all day.

( cheers and applause )

Seriously, I feel bad

that men don't get to sit
while they pee.

You have to walk in the bathroom
knowing what your intention is.

You have to walk in the bathroom

being like,
"I'm going to poop now."

Women, we get to be like,
"Hey, I'm pooping now!"

( laughter )

"This is a fun surprise
afternoon poop."

"This has turned my day around.

I'm so glad I had that yogurt
this morning.

Thank you, Jamie Lee Curtis."

( applause )

Stop it! Stop using
"We're protecting women"

as your excuse
for getting things done.

It's bullshit
and it's insulting.

I've never, ever been scared
of trans people.

The only people that have
ever consistently scared me

are straight men.

You guys have
a terrible track record.

( cheers and applause )

I like to think
all those women clapping

are with a guy right now,

and they're like, "I do?"

No, you keep using like,
"We gotta protect women
from trans people."

When gay people
wanted to get married,

you were like, "Well,
we can't let that happen,

because then they're gonna
start fucking dogs."

Yeah, you only ever said that

because you thought
about fucking a dog.

You were like,
"People want to fuck dogs,"

and gay people were like,
"I mean, not us."

And you were like,
"Some people do!

Some people love
a cute little puppy butt."

( laughter )

( barks )

Stop it! Stop using
"We're protecting women"
as your excuse.

I was on a date.

A guy offered
to walk me to my door.

He was like,
"I just want to make sure
you get home safe."

That's bullshit!

That's not why you're
walking me to my door.

That's your last-ditch effort
to touch a boob.

At that point in the night,

the most dangerous thing
at my door is you!

And if a robber came by,

I don't think you'd be able
to do anything about it,

'cause earlier
that night at dinner,

I learned you have
a gluten allergy!

( laughter )

You can't protect me
from a biscuit.

Also, that's why
you're not coming up.

There's nothing less sexy
than hearing a guy

be like,
"Well, I can't eat bread."

'Cause I'm gonna need you
to be okay with yeast.

( laughter and applause )

But did you get it?

I just wanna make sure
you got it.

I'd hate for there to be
someone in the back

being like, "I didn't get
the yeast part."

Go home, call your mom.
She'll tell you all about it.

And there are so many big things
happening right now.

Like, the environment
is in terrible shape,

and most people pretend
that they care about it.

I don't believe
anyone actually does.

If anyone actually cared
about the environment,

there's no way fountains
would still exist.

Fountains are a real big
fuck-you to thirsty people.

Imagine bringing a little kid

from a third-world country
to see a fountain.

He'd be like,
"Look at all the water!

Can I have a sip?"

And you'd have to be like,

"Oh, no, no!
That's for decoration."

"Well, can I at least grab
the money out of it?"

"No, those are wishes..."

"that were thrown there
by people

that can afford to throw money.

And you know
what they didn't wish for?

Water.

Now, come on,
I'm gonna show you
a water park.

That's where the water's
for peeing in."

But climate change,
it is a real big deal,

and everyone says,
"Mother Nature."

And I do believe
nature is a woman,

because she's trying to kill us

in the most passive-aggressive
way possible.

It's not some sort
of immediate fire or flood

or a cool explosion.

She's just like,

"What? I raised
the temperature a little."

( laughter and applause )

"Oh, are you uncomfortable?

Well, maybe I wouldn't have

if you'd taken out
the recycling like I asked!

I'm fine."

Nature is a woman,
and she hates us women.

She hates us!

She gave us all the icky stuff.

She's a mean girl.

We're the ones that bleed
every month.

She made orgasms
impossible to find.

We're supposed to have
the babies and then feed them?

That seems like a thing
you could've split up.

There were two people
involved in that!

You got most of the way!

You gave men nipples!

What happened? All of a sudden
at the last second

you were just like,
"You know what,

we're gonna keep it
over here with women.

But, men, hang on
to those nipples.

Do whatever you want with them."

And we're the ones
that have the babies,

and she made the hole too small,

way too small.

That's a real square-peg,
round-hole situation.

It's a design flaw.

If every time an elevator
went down a building

it broke the building...

( laughter )

...you'd be like,
"We should fix that."

Every time I hear a woman
talk about giving birth...

Honestly talk about giving it,
not the Facebook version

of like, "This is magical
and I'm blessed"...

Honestly talk
about giving birth,

it always feels like
the beginning of an infomercial

where some guy's
gonna pop out and be like,

"Are you tired of a hole ripping
from your vagina to your butt?

Is pooping on a table
in front of strangers

leaving you feeling embarrassed?

Have you been
pushing for 20 hours
with no end in sight,

thinking, 'There's gotta be
a better way!'

Well, there's not!"

( applause )

And that is why I don't recycle.

'Cause if Mother Nature's
not gonna take care of my house,

I'm not gonna take care
of her house!

Also, recycling is very hard.

( laughter )

I do think, though, there's
a really serious problem
right now

that no one's talking about.

I think right now
it's a really hard time
to be a man.

You guys are struggling.

You can't be the first
to do anything anymore.

You've done almost everything.

It's almost like there's
no reason for you to live.

( laughter )

It's a great time to be a woman.

I mean, we're at rock bottom,
but we can only go up.

We'll still have
the first female president,

the first woman on the moon,

the first woman
to assassinate
a president...

( laughter and applause )

It's exciting! It could be you!

I think it would be very easy

for a woman to assassinate
a president.

She just had to be beautiful
and walk up and be like,

"I just wanna talk
to the president for a second."

( laughter )

"Please?"

I'm posed like
all my bones are broken.

( laughter )

We haven't had a female assassin

because women are too nice.

We've got close enough
to kill the president,

but instead we just end up
having sex with him.

That's a very nice thing
that we do.

In general, I don't think
we're thanked enough for that.

Think about it.

Monica Lewinsky had
the president's dick
in her mouth.

She could've assassinated him.

She could've been selfish
and gotten anything she wanted.

If you don't think
you can get anything you want

when you just have
a regular guy's dick
in your mouth,

next time bite down
just a little

and see if he
isn't immediately like,

"Yeah, fine,
we can go on vacation
with your sister!

Just release, release!"

Try it when you go home tonight.
It'll be fun.

She had the leader
of the free world's dick
in her mouth.

She could've assassinated him,

she could've gotten
anything she wanted,

but instead
she was a nice lady
and she blew him,

and then we were mean to her

for being a nice lady.

I thought at least men
would've stood up for her

and been like,
"Hey, that woman's a patriot!"

But it's a good time
to be a woman.

We're on our way up.
It's exciting for us.

But, men, you're done!
It's over!

There's nothing new
for you to do.

You've been to the moon!

You've been all the presidents!

Even if you were like,
"I'm gonna win an Olympic medal
and then turn into a lady,"

you'd be the second!

( laughter and applause )

I feel bad for men.

I think it's a really hard time
to be a man right now.

You have a ton
of erection medicine.

I hope everything's okay.

Seems like it might not be.

And I'm glad you guys
have erection medicine.

I think that's great.

A soft penis is very sad.

A soft penis looks
like the sound of sad.

( laughter )

You know, like, wow.

If you showed a deaf kid
a picture of a soft penis,

he'd be like, "I know
you're talking about sad.
Thank you."

That's actually
how they taught Helen Keller.

They just let her
feel a soft penis,

and she was like,
"This means sad."

( laughter )

"Thank you for teaching me
this new word."

It's the only way
you could've done it.

I actually think a soft penis
feels very neat.

Every woman in here,
if you had a soft penis
at your desk at work,

you would play with it all day.

It's soft and squishy.

It's a stress reliever.

Sometimes I'll have
a soft penis in my hand,
and it'll get hard,

and I'm like, "Hey,
you're ruining my good time.

This is less fun now."

How I feel about soft penises

is as close as I'll ever get
to understanding

about how men feel about boobs.

'Cause those are also
soft and squishy.

I'm guessing
that's part of their appeal.

Now, imagine when you felt them,

if all of a sudden
they got rock hard.

You'd be like,
"These seem like weapons."

That's how we feel
about your penis.

But it's good.

You guys got erection medicine,
that's great.

No one should have
a broken body part.

But you make it hard
for women to get birth control,

and that's not fair.

That's like saying,
"Let's have a duel,

but only one of us gets a gun,

and on average that gun
shoots 20 million bullets."

And we're just asking
for a shield,

and you're like, "No."

We don't even want another gun.

We just want a shield.

We're saying
you can have all the players
on both hockey teams.

We just want one goalie.

It doesn't even have to be
your best goalie!

We'll take
your third-string goalie!

You can give
the Zamboni guy a stick.

We just need someone
to hit a couple pucks away!

( laughter and applause )

Even cars get windshield wipers.

Come on, give us a chance!
There's a downpour.

( laughter )

We should be constantly
given birth control!

It should be annoying.

Like, when you leave
a restaurant,

instead of mints
it should be birth control.

When you push a door
instead of pull it,

birth control should pop out.

Like, "You're not ready yet."

( laughter )

"Let's work on
some other skills."

It's a human!

You'd be making a human!

It should be hard
to make a human!

It's hard to make a croissant.

( laughter )

It takes three days
to make a croissant!

You can make a human
in that bathroom.

You cannot make a croissant
in that bathroom.

Like, how many people here
have successfully made
a croissant?

How many people here have
accidentally made a human?

And those two people
are never the same,

'cause croissant-makers
are planners.

And they're usually
a little less fun.

Now, if when you had sex
you accidentally made
a croissant,

that would be great.

( laughter and applause )

Finally, women would be like,
"No, I'm paying for the drinks,

and we're leaving now.

Drink it up, little lady,
we're going home!

I'm hungry
and I want a flaky snack!"

Then finally men would be like,

"I feel like you're just
using me for the croissant.

I mean, I don't care,

I just want you
to know how I feel."

( laughter )

And if having sex
with a black guy

meant you got
a chocolate croissant,

that "never go back" thing
would be 100% true.

( laughter and applause )

Even white men
would be like, "Go!

I get it! Go!

You have to go!
The croissants are better!

And bring one home."

It should be hard.

It should be hard
to have a human.

We have enough.

We don't need as many
as we used to.

At this point,
if you wanna have a baby,

you should have to take
a test or two.

Something simple,

like, "Let me see
your iPhone screen.

Oh, it's cracked? Then no!"

( laughter and applause )

You can't carry a phone,
you can't carry a baby.

They're wigglier.

I don't want to have a baby.

This isn't an abortion joke.
I'm not pregnant.

I'm not like, "I don't want
to have a baby,

and I gotta get out of here!"

I don't want to have a baby
or a family.

I want a career.
That's what I want.

And I know there's a lot
of people out there
that are like,

"But, Michelle,
you don't have to choose.

You can have it all.

Women can have it all."

Yeah, stop saying that.

You act like "all" is good.

"All" does not mean good.

You've never left
an all-you-can-eat buffet

and thought, "I feel
really good about myself."

( laughter and applause )

"Mm, that crab and pudding

is sitting really well together.

I sure am glad
I went back for spare ribs."

"All" is not good.

And even if we do try
to have it all,

even if a woman out there
definitely wants it all,

we've put up too many obstacles

in your way to make it possible.

It's like, "Oh, congratulations,
you're having a baby?

Great. Couple things...

We're gonna need you to get
that car accident of a body

back to work
as soon as possible,
because this is America

and we don't think
you need time to recover.

Also, you should breastfeed.
It's what's best for the baby.

But don't do it
in public, you pig.

Do it in the old janitor's
closet underneath the bridge

with the rest
of the breastfeeding trolls.

And don't ask
to take time off from work
when your kids are sick.

We'll think
you're not dedicated.

Also, why are you
such a bad mom?

By the way, your salary
is just enough to cover
the cost of childcare.

And we know you're exhausted
and you don't really know
who you are anymore,

and you're trying to balance
your old life and your new life,

but, quick,
go have sex with your husband!
He's about to leave!

He doesn't understand
what you're going through!

Quick, go now!
And, sweetie, smile!"

( cheering and applause )

I don't want it.
Men don't try to have it all.

They're just like,
"I got a job and a sandwich.
I'm good.

My wife says if I behave
for another year,

she'll give me a section
of the garage where I can sit."

( laughter )

"I love sitting."

I don't want to be a mom.

I wouldn't mind being a dad.

( laughter and applause )

That seems like more fun,

and there are great dads
out there.

There are
very good dads out there,

but a great dad
is still just an okay mom.

A fork is a shitty spoon.

I know, I can't be a dad.
It's very upsetting.

I don't wanna be a mom,
so I want a career.

And I thought knowing
what I wanted in life
made me special,

but it really just kind of
makes me a waste.

Like, having a baby is arguably

the coolest thing
your body can do.

Like, I have a friend
who has one arm,

and then she just
had a baby that had two arms.

( laughter )

You can make shit
you don't even have!

Also, how pissed
did she have to be

when she saw that sonogram,
like, "Two arms?!

This is bullshit!

I give this sonogram
one thumbs down!"

Imagine how frustrating
it would be

to be tying your shoe
with one hand

knowing you have two new hands
growing inside of you

that you're not allowed to keep!

Two new hands that you will
push out of your body

that will walk away,
wave good-bye,

and never love you
as much as they should.

Not to mention
you can grow a penis
inside a vagina,

like the world's
most terrifying greenhouse!

Find me a horror movie
with a scarier plot!

It is the coolest thing
your body can do.

Me not wanting to have a baby

is like a bird being like,

"No, I'll walk."

"Okay, but you're built to fly."

"I know. I'm gonna walk.

And believe me,
these wings work.

We've had to cancel
a couple flights."

That was the abortion joke.

( laughter and applause )

You have to have one.

Joke or abortion.
I don't know, take your pick.

We care so much
about how we look!

Women, we put in so much effort
into being beautiful.

And I think we should be
more like men

'cause they don't really care
about their bodies,

and look at them!

They're successful!

They're presidents!
They're CEOs!

You never heard a CEO go,

"I wanna get profits up
and keep costs down

and love me for me!"

You know who should care
about their bodies?

Men! You have weird bodies, men!

You're gross!

Your balls are gross!

I've never seen a guy
and been like,

"Oh, I can't wait
to get his pants off

and see that weird bag of stuff
between his legs!"

What is it?

It's like a goblin's coin purse.

It's like when you go
to a haunted house

and you stick
your hand in a jar?

You're like, "Please be grapes."

Balls seem like
a real God whoopsy.

It's like when you're
putting together furniture

and you have
a couple leftover pieces,

and you're like,
"Aah! Those were
supposed to go somewhere.

They look important.

I guess I'll hang 'em
from a satchel!"

Even the name
sounds like a mistake!

Like, "What are you
gonna call 'em?"

( gruffly ) "Scrotum!"
"Okay, I'm sorry.

I didn't realize
it was a bad time.
I'm so sorry."

You are so lucky
that we get our faces
near them!

If a woman puts your balls
in her mouth,

you should pay her
a lot of money.

And not like a prostitute
kind of way.

In like, "That was
a very nice thing you just did,

and I don't know
how to say thank you.

Here is some money."

It's a selfless act!
It's selfless!

There's not a single woman
in the world

sitting around in her book club

being like, "You know
what gets me off?

A lumpy skin sac
hanging out my mouth."

I don't know how we ever
let you guys get away

with calling our boobs saggy.

Your balls are saggy!

You wear a bra!

And you make it fancy!

You dress up for me!

( laughter and applause )

I get one wrinkle,
my career is over.

I have to put paint
on my face to leave my home,

and you guys get to walk around

with those wrinkly,
dangly bags of crap.

You should have to put
makeup on them!

Or, at the very least,
googly eyes.

I don't know if that
would be better or worse,

but it would be fun.

"He's happy! He's sad!
He lost his boner."

A real Mr. Magoo.

And the thing is,
I think we should all be
ashamed of our bodies,

every single one of us!

Like, that's why
we wear clothes!

That's why animals have fur!

You ever seen a shaved cat?

You look that cat in the eyes,
and you're both ashamed.

If you saw a turtle
outside of its shell,

you'd be like, "Get the fuck
back inside your shell!"

I don't care
how confident you are

in your weird, turtle-y body.

Also, can we be sure
that turtles have bodies?

Is it just a head and feet?

It seems like
it might be a scheme.

And I'm the worst,
because I say we shouldn't care

about how we look,
but I work out all of the time.

I run every day. I love running.

I have no idea
what I'm training for.

'Cause I am not physically
gaining any skills.

Like, the only way
working out is ever gonna
help me in life

is that at some point
someone tries to rob or rape me

by chasing me
for three to five miles

at a moderately slow pace.

From the beginning,
if some guy's like,

"Watch out! I'm gonna rape you!"

I'm like, "Nuh-uh,
not unless you can keep this up

for 30-ish minutes.

Although, I'm gonna have to stop

about a mile in
to stretch my hamstring.

Could you help me with that?
No funny stuff!

Could you help me with that?"

Women, we spend so much time
trying to be beautiful.

We spend so much time

when ugly things
are constantly happening to us.

Like, every month
we get our period.

I know... we're not supposed
to talk about it.

It's very nice
that we don't talk about it.

It is the only time
a human is bleeding

and that's not
what the conversation is about.

Like, if Paul got
his arm ripped off

and it was shooting blood

and he walked into the office...

I should tell you,

a couple of my guy friends
have come up to me

after the show and been like,

"Hey, you shouldn't use
arm-ripping-off as your example.

It's too extreme."

"Oh, is it?"

One of them actually said,

"You should use
nosebleed instead."

"Oh, you think
it's like a nosebleed?"

( laughter and applause )

All this time, I could've
just tipped my hips up

and it would've gone away.

I'm such a dumb lady!

Both arms viciously torn
from his body!

( laughter and applause )

It's torn from his body,
he walks into the office,

no one's gonna be like,
"How are the expense reports
coming, Paul?"

And Paul wouldn't be
expected to respond,

"Great! And I feel fine.

Just a normal day for me.

Nothing weird happening here.

I don't want to murder you."

Paul wouldn't be sneaking off
to a corner of his office

to see if blood
had gone through his bandage.

That's happening at your work.

Women are walking around
being like,

"Did I tie my shoe?
Oh, I'm good, never mind."

( laughter and applause )

And you poor, dumb men are like,

"She doesn't even have laces!

Carol's having a weird day."

The only thing you ever
really ask about periods

is "When is it gonna be over?"

And we always give you
the same answer.

"Soon."

'Cause we have no fucking clue.

It could be over in 20 minutes,

it could be over in ten days.

It can be over in three days

and then take a break
for two days,

and then come back for a day.

It can be gone,
and then we just put on
clean underwear

and it's like, "I smell white."

( laughter and applause )

A period's like an outdoor cat.

You know it's coming back,
but you have no idea when.

And it's probably
gonna have a mouse.

I don't know what mouse is
in that analogy,

but it's gross.

Every day, every day,
at some point during your day,

you talk to a woman
who has her period

and you don't know it
because she says things to you

like, "I'm good. How are you?"

when all she wants to do

is lay down
on the ground and fart.

( laughter )

That's it, and like a fart
you never even heard before.

A fart that after you heard it,
you'd be like,

"I don't know who you are
as a person."

Like, men, if you don't know

the kind of fart
I'm talking about,

it's the kind of fart
you leave a party for.

One where you're like,
"Get your coat!
We gotta go!

No, it's not safe here anymore!

Something might've happened!
Get your coat!"

Like, "But, honey,
we're on a cruise ship."

"It doesn't matter!
We're going swimming!"

That kind of fart.

A lady fart.

You know that picture
of Marilyn Monroe

where her skirt's blowing up?

Yeah, that wasn't an air grate.

That was a period fart.

Masturbate to that.

You also say things like,
"Why are you so emotional?

Why are you so emotional?"

Well, maybe it's the hormones,

or maybe it's the fact
that I haven't shit in a week

and I got a turd
the size of Danny DeVito
inside of me.

Just a real angry
Danny DeVito who's like,

"I'm not going anywhere!

I was the star of 'Twins.'"

That'll make anybody cry.

I think if men got periods,

we'd have
a three-week work month.

They'd be like, "Let's sync up.

We gotta take a week."

But I also think
if men got periods,

they would've figured out
a better way to deal with it.

They would've demanded
a better way to deal with it.

They'd be like,
"All the money in science,
we got a problem.

Put down your cancer tubes.
We got a problem.

We'll save the children
another day.

Now bring the monkeys.

The monkeys can help.

It's all hands on deck
over here."

And those poor monkeys are like,

"I have to get
lipstick put on me.

Every day I got to feel pretty.

I don't want to work
on periods."

Women, it's our fault

we're not further along
in period technology.

'Cause we're okay
that our best solution

is a rolled-up piece of cotton.

We're okay
that our best solution

is a craft project
from a special kid,

one who was like, "I made you
a Christmas ornament."

The only advancement we've made

is sometimes they're smaller.

Because that was the problem.

We were causing
too much of a commotion

carrying our bazookas
to the bathroom.

Women trade tampons stealthier

than drug dealers trade heroin.

( laughter and applause )

I've given out four tampons

since I've been onstage.

If there was only women
dealing drugs in "The Wire,"

no one would've gotten caught.

Stringer Bell
would still be alive.

Stringer Bell is what I call
taking out a tampon.

Is that gross?

'Cause a woman did it today
and then shook your hand

and said, "I'm good.
How are you?"

( laughter and applause )

- I'm single.
- ( laughter )

And I don't want to be
in a relationship.

I don't want to be
in a relationship

for the same reason
I don't want a kid.

I don't want anything in my life

to be more important than me.

And maybe that's
selfish and mean,

but the jig is up:
I'm not a nice lady.

( laughter and applause )

And a lot of my friends,
they'll say things like,

"But aren't you scared
of dying alone?"

Is that why you got married?

So you wouldn't die alone?

So you'd have five minutes
before you died

where you're like,
"Well, this isn't the worst.

Those 40 miserable years
were wor..."

( laughter )

He died.

( laughter )

I'm not scared of dying alone.

I'm terrified of people
seeing how I live.

I live like a divorced dad

who's not trying to get custody
of his kids back.

There's just hot sauce
in the fridge.

One side of my bed
is covered in laundry.

It's now
in the shape of a person,

and every morning
when I wake up,

I roll over and I'm like,
"Today I'll try to be better."

I don't want to be
in a relationship.

I don't even like dating.
I don't.

Sometimes I try to do it.

Sometimes I try to be
a nice, normal lady.

I'll go out on a date.

I went on a date
with a personal trainer
from my gym.

I thought that'd be fun...

A big, strong guy
who could pick you up

and then set you down
in a controlled manner.

The date was not fun.

All he talked about
was exercise,

and then finally
in the restaurant we were in,

that song "Empire
State of Mind" came on.

You guys know that song, right?

♪ New York, concrete jungle ♪

♪ Where dreams are... ♪

He sang the whole song,

both Jay-Z and Alicia's parts.

This joke is three minutes long.

That song is
four and a half minutes long,

which means
after this joke is over,

he'd still be singing
for a minute and a half.

You know if someone sings at you

for more than four minutes,

you're legally allowed
to kill them?

( laughter )

So, finally, the bill comes.

It's $84.

He throws down 40
and he goes, "Is that enough?"

And, listen,
I'm an independent woman,

I'll pay for half my meal,
but that's not half.

So, I never really want
to see this guy again,

but he keeps texting me.

And one day he just sent me
a picture of his bed.

And I didn't know
how to respond.

I was like, "Congratulations
on making your bed?"

So, one of my friends goes,

"Just text him
you're not interested."

And then my other friend goes,

"Text him
the weirdest stuff possible.

Then he'll leave you alone."

I was like, "That's the one
I'm gonna do."

And I'm gonna read them
to you now.

( laughter and applause )

I took screenshots of them,

and I just have
to scroll through

a ton of selfies to get there.

And I know a lot of people
don't like selfies.

They think
you shouldn't take them.

I think you should take them
and you should post them,

but you should also post
the number of times you tried
taking the picture.

Like, "This is me
looking cute 67."

Okay, can you just confirm
that these are real
text messages?

Yeah, those look pretty real.

All right, you heard it
from that guy

with a puka-shell necklace.

( laughter )

I guess we'll have to trust him!

No one's ever said that
about a guy

with a puka-shell necklace
before.

They've been like,
"I gotta cover this drink."

( laughter and applause )

He goes, "Hey, Michelle."

I go, "Hey, Wildcat."

That's a pretty strong start.

We've been on one date.

"Wildcat" is
an aggressive nickname
out of the gate.

"'Wildcat?' LOL. That's new.

Kinda like it.
What made you choose
that nickname?"

And I go,
"Just something tick-tocking
in my old noggin."

( laughter )

That should be it, right?

If someone texted you that,

you'd be like,
"Oh, she's insane.

I have to never talk
to her again."

But instead,
he comes back with "Love it!

Keep it up. How was your day?"

And, honestly,
I get a little excited
at this point,

because he's still holding on,

and I know I can just shift it

into a higher gear to lose him.

I feel like I'm in a car chase,
and all of a sudden I'm like,

"All right, buddy!"
( imitates engine revving )

That's a pretty good car sound.

He goes, "How is your day?"

and I respond with,

"Still chipping away
at the ham."

( laughter )

That's not a saying!

For that to be
a saying, it means that
at some point in time,

people spent their day
chipping ham,

and it took so long,
they'd have to send word
to their loved ones,

"Honey, I'm sorry.

I can't come home
for dinner tonight.

I'm still chipping away
at the ham.

You know, at my job
at the ham-chip factory."

Which does sound delicious.

And this is how I knew
he was a formidable opponent.

He came back with,

"Shit, make sure you leave
a slice for me, too!"

( laughter )

"And by the way,

I have the honey
to go alongside the ham."

Gross!

What's the honey?
I don't want the honey!

Take the honey away!

If the honey's
what I think it is,

no woman has ever
wanted the honey.

Sometimes we take
the honey to be nice,

but, honestly,
it's an inconvenience.

Most of the time we're like,

"Hey, wipe this up.
I'm getting sticky!"

So, I don't respond.
I need time.

I need to regroup.

I need to train.

Normally when
I'm this stressed out,
I go to the gym,

but I can't do that.

Couple of days later
he texts me,

"Hi, Wolfgang. LOL."

And I 100% believe
he LOL'd at that.

( laughter )

He was like,
"She gave me a nickname.

I'm gonna give her a nickname.

Wolfgang! Ha-ha!

I am the best."

"Hi, Wolfgang. LOL.

I was wondering
if you'd accompany me
Friday night.

I'm taking
some of my clients out
for their birthday."

And I responded with,
"No dice, Squirrel Man!

Got plans on plans on waffles."

( laughing )

That is some of the best work
I've ever done.

I'm pretty sure Squirrel Man

is a huge downgrade
from Wildcat.

If someone started
calling me Wildcat

and then switched
to Squirrel Man,

I'd be like, "Oh, my God,
what did I do?"

And I don't know
what "plans on plans
on waffles" means,

but it's too much
before breakfast.

And this bitch comes back with

"Oh, cool, make sure
you don't forget the syrup."

( laughter )

And I don't know
what to do at this point,

because I'm pretty sure
he's falling in love with me,

and I think maybe
I'm falling in love with him.

So I text him "I love you,"

and then I never heard
from him again.

( laughter and applause )

Thanks a lot, guys!
You've been great!

I'm Michelle Wolf!

♪ She was an American girl ♪

♪ Raised on the promises ♪

♪ She couldn't help
thinking that there ♪

♪ Was a little more to life ♪

♪ Somewhere else ♪

♪ After all,
it was a great big world ♪

♪ With lots of places
to run to ♪

♪ Yeah, and if she had to die ♪

♪ Tryin' she had
one little promise ♪

♪ She was gonna keep ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ All right ♪

♪ Take it easy, baby ♪

- ♪ Make it last all night ♪
- ♪ Make it last all night ♪

♪ She was an American girl. ♪