Michelle Buteau: Welcome to Buteaupia (2020) - full transcript

[cheering, applauding]

[announcer] New York... [echoing]

- ...are you ready?
- [audience cheering]

[announcer] Please welcome...

Michelle Buteau!

[upbeat music playing]

[cheering continues]

[audience continues cheering]

Yeah!

[audience continues cheering]

Oh, my God!



New York City!

Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh!

I am here for you!

I am here...

[audience chanting] Hey! Hey! Hey!

Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!
Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

[audience cheering]

Whoo!

Yes!

Yes!

Everybody looking like a snack!
Oh!

[audience cheering]

Don't do it. Don't do it.



Don't you dare do it.

Don't turn me into Octavia Spencer
in every movie.

[audience laughing]

[laughs]

But you is special, you is kind.
Thank you for coming.

Ooh, can I tell you,
I just wrapped a movie with J.Lo. What?

[audience cheering]

J.Lo? Excuse me?
She is beautiful. Are you kidding me?

She is... I couldn't stop staring at her.

I was like, "Oh, my line..." [mumbles]

She's like an athlete that can dance,
that's a businesswoman in a tank top.

I say, "Yes, you go with your good knees
and edges, J.Lo!"

[laughs]

The hardest part of working with J.Lo

is pretending that I didn't know
everything about her.

[audience laughing]

I know everything about J.Lo.

For example,
I know that we have the same birthday.

- [audience cheering]
- Yes, July 24th. [laughs]

But I didn't want to tell her
the first day

because I don't want to be the creepy girl
on the set, you know what I mean?

But there's always somebody at the office
that's into astrology,

- you know who you are...
- [audience laughing]

Always worried about the sun and the moon,
never your taxes.

[audience laughing]

So we had one of those assholes on set.
I said, "Okay...

I'm going to wait for my moment."

And, sure enough, three weeks later,
he goes, "Uh!

You and Jen have the same face
'cause you're both Leos."

I said, "Oh!"

[audience laughing]

"This is my moment."

So, I said, "Jen!

You a Leo?"

[audience laughing]

She said, "Yes!"
I said, "Jen, I'm a Leo!"

She said, "Stop."
I said, "I will not."

[audience laughing]

"That's so crazy."

I said, "Jen, when's your birthday?"

[audience laughing]

Yo, I was so good at this,
Meryl Streep would be like,

"Give that bitch the Oscar, okay?
Just give the bitch the Oscar."

[audience cheering]

So I said,
"Jen, my birthday is July 24th."

She said, "What?" [stammers]

She said, "No!" I said, "Yes!"

- [audience laughing]
- She said, "Your birthday's July 24?"

I said, "Isn't that crazy?"
She said, "No one has my birthday."

I said, "I know, it's so special."

[audience laughing]

I said, "Jen, we should have
a joint birthday party."

[audience laughing]

And then she walked away...

...didn't talk to me
for, like, three hours...

That's okay. She came back.

You know, I got big tits, freckles,
big hair. It's friendly.

People are like, "Let's talk to it."

[audience laughing]

[laughs]

- True!
- [audience laughing]

So she came back and she wanted
to, like, spill the tea, you know?

She was like, "Oh, man,
have you ever dated a Leo?"

I said, "Where we going with this, Jen?"

[audience laughing]

I said, "Where we going?"

She's like, "No, have you ever dated a Leo
'cause they're, like, so difficult?"

I said, "Oh, honey, I done fucked
the whole zodiac calendar!"

[audience laughing]

No one plays the lotto once,
you know what I mean?

You don't learn how to ride a bike
the first time.

[audience laughs]

I said, "Yeah, all that."

She was like,
"Uh, I was engaged to a Leo."

I was like, "Really?"

[audience laughing]

- "That's so crazy."
- [audience laughing]

[chuckles] Yeah, she's like,
"It wasn't the easiest with Ben."

I said, "Ben who?"

[audience laughing]

"Benjamin Button?

Benjamin Franklin? Who the Ben?"

[laughs]

And she's like, "I'm so happy now, though,

'cause I'm engaged to a Leo,
but he's great.

He's an athlete, he's Dominican..."

I said, "Ooh, that sounds spicy."

[audience laughing]

[laughs]

It has been such a beautiful time for me.
You know what I mean?

I feel like I can't complain,
but I love to.

I do. I feel like I cannot complain
but I love to.

And I have so many pet peeves.

The older you get, no one tells you,
your pet peeves get stronger and...

I feel like Tom Petty right now.

I can't... I'm in my 40s right now.
I know, I look so good.

[audience cheering]

Seriously.

I mean, you gotta celebrate your age.

Real talk, 'cause black don't crack
and beige don't age.

Yes, Prince, thank you.

- [whoops]
- [audience cheering]

And I just cannot... cannot stand certain
motherfuckers that do crazy things.

I cannot stand an adult in their 40s,
50s, whatever,

that leave their home
with a pillow from their bedroom

and take that shit to the airport...

[audience laughing]

...and sleep on the plane.

What is wrong with you,
you weak, weak bitch?

Unfollow me,

delete, we're done.

What, you're 45 years old
and you need your blankey? I can't!

[audience laughing]

- I cannot.
- [audience cheering]

The whole show is my pet peeves,
by the way.

I swear to God, this Asian dude's
gonna leave and be like,

"Raven-Symoné was so angry.
I don't get it.

Oh.

That is not So Raven.

Why is she so angry?"

I'm kidding.
He gonna leave here and be like,

"Nicole Byer looks different."

[audience laughing]

[audience cheering]

I cannot stand...

adults...

who fall all the time.

[audience laughing]

You know who you are if you're a faller.

You fall all the time.

And you make a meal out of this shit.

Like you're the only person
who's ever fucking fell.

[yells] "I just fell!"
"I see you, bitch.

Get up." "Is anyone looking?"

"Nobody's looking.

They're walking around you right now."

"Oh, my God, don't take a video!"

"Not Boomerang-worthy, bitch, please...

get up!"

Let me tell you something.
I am a faller, okay?

I fall all the time.

Look at my body, okay?

I have not seen my feet
since the 7th grade.

[audience laughing]

These tits, it's like a fleshy IKEA shelf.

[audience laughs]

Truly, I cannot see my feet.

My whole body is shaped
like a drumstick emoji.

[audience laughing]

You see this shit?

[audience cheering]

- It's a drumstick emoji!
- [cheering continues]

For real. She meaty on top,
nubby on the bottom, fucking delicious.

[audience laughing]

[audience cheering]

But, for real, I fall all the time.

You know what I do?
I fucking army crawl my way back up,

'cause I'm a woman.

My ankles are so teeny tiny
and so cute and so white,

if you just saw a picture of my ankles,
you'd be like,

"Who dat skinny white girl?"

- It me!
- [audience laughing]

It me. If you saw a picture of my ankles,
they are so skinny and so white...

- [woman] How skinny and white are they?
- [man] How skinny and white are they?

[audience laughing]

If you just saw my ankles, you'd be like,

"Ooh, that white girl gotta go to Montauk
and name her boat right now."

[audience cheering]

[audience laughing]

I fall all the time.

I was just on the set of...

[giggles] ...another movie, um...

[audience cheering]

Oh, my God. You guys!

You guys!

[cheering continues]

[laughs]

So I had the last...
The last, like, line of the last scene,

like, the last week.
It was a very long week,

and I turned around

after I said my line,
I didn't see the camera.

The camera was so close
that I headbutted it.

That's how close the camera was.

No, truly, I said my line, I was like,
"Okay, everybody, have a good night."

And I turned around

and I hit that shit so hard,
it looked like I did it on purpose.

Like, I hit it and I was like,
"Ow, karma, why you hit me so hard?"

[audience laughing]

And I was about to fall down

and this is something that happens
in your 40s that nobody tells you:

you think about
how you're going to fall.

You think about how you're gonna fall.

I said, "Girl, how you gonna fall?"

[audience laughing]

I said, "I don't know, girl."

[audience laughing]

I said, "Girl, we gonna fall on face?"

I'm like, "No, girl.

You're gonna chip your tooth...

and a chipped tooth,

freckles and big titties?

That's too much character."

[audience laughing]

[audience cheering, applauding]

"We don't need all that character."

[laughs]

So I was like, "Girl, what we gonna do?
We gonna fall on hands?

Fall on your hands,
it's the most natural reaction."

Stop!

Stop the fall. Stop.

You better stop this fall.

And then I said, "No, girl,

don't fall on your hands.

You're gonna break your wrist.

If you break your wrist,
who gonna wipe your ass?"

[audience laughing]

I know you guys are thinking
I'm making so much money

in this borrowed
gold sequins plus-sized suit.

- But I don't have ass-wiping money, okay?
- [audience laughing]

Yet. I got goals!

Who gonna wipe my ass, my husband?

I love him, he love me.
He ain't gonna wipe my ass.

He is not gonna wipe my ass, okay?

I can't even fart
in front of my husband.

And it's not up to him. It's up to me.
I don't want to fart in front of him.

We been married ten years. It's lovely.

I'm not gonna fart in front of him. No.

Uh-uh. Would you eat
in a restaurant that's dirty?

[audience laughing]

[audience cheering]

You guys.

My husband's so cute.

[laughs]

He's so sweet.

He's from Holland,
but he calls it the Netherlands. I'm like,

"Boo-boo, you gotta pick a name.
We don't give a fuck.

Okay? We don't care."

Holland, that's like Germany Light.
We don't know where that is.

We don't know where Holland is.

You do not know where Holland is.
Don't act like you know.

Excuse me. Case in point,
one time I was in [mumbles] Amsterdam...

[mumbles] Amsterdam, that's right.

[audience laughing]

And my friend came to visit me.

She got on a plane from New York
to [mumbles] Amsterdam...

[audience laughing]

[laughs]

...went through customs,

got out the airport,
looked around and was like,

"Damn, Denmark is so beautiful
this time of year."

[audience laughing]

We don't know where Holland is, okay?

We don't.

And my husband, he's so cute.
He has the most Dutch name ever.

It's like first testament type shit.

It's spelled G-I-J-S
and it's pronounced...

"Hhhiyce."

- You could feel sorry for me, and...
- [audience laughing]

The Dutch G doesn't exist
in the English language

and it never means anything to me
in America until we get to Holland,

AKA the Netherlands, AKA Germany Light.

'Cause I forget. I forget.

Like, I was out one night in Amsterdam,

and...

I was ordering some cheese and crackers,
a little charcuterie plate,

you know, she cute.

[audience laughing]

Classy.

And so I told the waitress, I was like,
"I'd like some brie,

I like some Gouda..."

And she goes, "You mean, hhow-da?"

I said, "Why you do that?"

[audience laughing]

"That's not nice."

I said, "I don't want it no more.

Hhow'd you do that?"

[audience laughing]

Those Dutch people
are about correcting you, honey.

They love correcting you.
I'm like, "Look,

I'll learn Dutch when I can make
more money speaking Dutch."

- [chuckles]
- [audience laughing]

- [audience cheering]
- It's a plan. She got plans.

But thank you, white girls be snapping.
I love...

woke white people.
Yes, this is my town hall.

Thank you so much.

- [audience applauding]
- Yes.

Let's get to the issues at hand.

I love her. Cute little white girl
in the back, "Yes, sister. Yes, sis.

Speak on it, sis."

- I'll see you on TikTok. [laughs]
- [audience laughing]

"I speak your language." [laughs]

So one of my favorite things
to do in Amsterdam is...

get a little high. Not too high.
Bitch doesn't need to be flying.

Get a little high and go to museums.

Not for very long, like 40 minutes.

You know what I mean?
Too long feels like a class.

I'm like, "Hurry up."

[audience laughing]

And so one time I was in Amsterdam
and I saw the Van Gogh Museum.

I was like, "I love Van Gogh.
I've got the place mat. Let's do it."

[audience laughing]

I told you I was classy.

And so I'm learning all about Van Gogh,

I said, "Oh, my God,
Van Gogh was so interesting."

Here go the host of the tour:

"It's Van Hhoghh."

[audience laughing]

"What?" "It's Van Hhoghh."

I said, "No wonder this motherfucker
cut his ears off."

[audience laughing]

Who wanna hear that?

"Van Hhoghh?"

[audience applauding]

Thank you. I thought that was too soon.

Thank you so much.
Thank you so much.

[laughs]

The Dutch names are wild.
I mean, they're just crazy.

When you learn a Dutch name,
it's like you are actually speaking Dutch.

It's insane, like...

Gijs' best friend is named Thijs.
I'm like, "What?"

Gijs and Thijs, I'm like,
"Is this a ghetto morning show?

What is this?"

[audience laughing]

Gijs used to have a cat named Guus.
I was like, "You better not.

You better not."

[laughs]

One time, the cat got out.

Gijs called Thijs. He was like,
"Guus is on the loose!"

I'm like...

"Is this a Dutch Dr. Seuss?"

[audience laughing]

It's too much!

Too much!

I'm not making this up.

My mother-in-law, beautiful lady,

her name is Johanna,

she legally shortened it,
as you do in Holland,

to Hanneke.

[audience laughing]

What now?

I said, "Hanukkah, like the holidays?"

She's like, "It sound nothing
like the holidays."

I was like, "Happy Kwanzaa, bitch."
Like, I don't even know...

...what to say.
I feel like this is a joke on me.

But Dutch is wild, man.

There aren't a lot of verbs,
so you think it might be easy to speak.

But even the verbs are hard.

They're hard to say and pronounce,
they're hard to get through your mind.

Let me tell you something.

One of the first times I was in Amsterdam,

we were taking a group family picture

and I did not know the Dutch word
for "look"...

is "kijk."

[audience groaning and laughing]

Yes, bitch.

Spelled K-I-J-K, kijk.

So I'm just standing in public
with the family and they're just like,

"Kijk the camera,
kijk, kijk, kijk the camera.

Kijk the camera!"
I said, "Hanneke, do something!"

[audience laughing]

Oh, my God.

The verbs are crazy.

For instance,
there's this verb called "swaffling."

And that means...

to hit your dick on something.

[audience laughing]

[laughter continues]

That means, there were so many guys...

[audience laughing]

...in Holland
just hitting their dicks on shit,

- they needed a verb for it.
- [audience laughing]

I know y'all gonna have fun in Amsterdam.

[audience cheering]

Yes, sis. Yes, sis. Yes, sis.

Yes, sis, yes.

Be free, be you.

Like I said, my husband's very sweet.

He's very nice.

Sometimes I feel like he wants to kill me.

He always wants to take a long walk
at night. I'm just like, "Why?"

And then he's always like, "Let's go down
this alley to see if there's artwork."

I said...

[audience laughing]

...said, "No! Have you not seen Ghost?
That's how that shit happens."

[audience laughing]

Thank you. I thought that was too soon.

- [audience laughing]
- Thank you so much.

Every time my husband and I get an Airbnb,
he's always like,

"Babe, can you make sure
that they have a shed?"

I'm like...

"For what, Dexter?" [scoffs]

[audience laughing]

We were online one time, looking at stuff
we can't afford. It's our favorite thing,

and we were looking at vacation homes.

He's like, "Oh, you know,
if we get a vacation home,

I really want one that has
at least eight acres."

And I was joking, I was like,
"What, to hide my body?"

He's so sweet.

[audience laughing]

And then he comes back, "No, baby.

Everybody knows you need
at least 13 acres to hide a body."

I said...

- "Who knows that?"
- [audience laughing]

"Why do you know that?"

[laughs] But sometimes I feel like
I just don't understand him, right?

Like, I'm his, like, sassy American wife

and he's this very polite,
white Dutch dude,

and I don't understand him sometimes.

And I feel like he doesn't understand
the nuance of an American husband.

You know, I'm from Jersey and he thinks
I sound aggressive all the time.

That's his thing.

Like, I'll be making breakfast
and I swear to God,

I feel like he just hears DMX, you know?

[audience laughing]

For real, I'm like,
[shouting] "How do you want your eggs?

How you want your eggs?
This your wife!"

[audience laughing]

[audience cheering]

- [laughs]
- [cheering continues]

I mean, I feel sorry for him sometimes,

but I really don't understand him
sometimes either.

He doesn't pick up on my cues. Like,
one night, we were having a dinner party

and people were overstaying their welcome.

You know how motherfuckers
overstay their damn wel...

I'm like, "You gots to go now."

They start eating shit off the menu,
I'm like...

"These avocados were for the week."

[audience laughing]

"Why are you still here?"

[groans]

"How am I gonna get my healthy fats?"

[audience laughing]

We actually had our first married fight
that night.

And if you ever have
your first married fight, you never forget

'cause we were in the bedroom
just going back and forth

and I was like, "You know what, Gijs?"

[audience laughing]

I said, "Go sleep on the couch.
I don't wanna do this no more."

He said, "No."

I said, "Go sleep on the couch now.
I don't wanna see you."

And he was like, "Why?"

I said, "'Cause we're having an argument

and everybody knows...

the men sleep on the couch."

[audience cheering]

"Everybody knows this."

He said, "Who told you that?"

[audience laughing]

I... [laughs]

[audience laughing]

I said... I said, "Uh, all the movies,

all the TV shows:

Everybody Loves Raymond,

Everybody Hates Chris.

Nobody likes Gijs."

[audience laughing]

[audience cheering]

I do feel bad for him, though, sometimes,

because I don't like to do anything
he likes to do,

but he does all the stuff I like to do,

- which is important.
- [audience laughing]

Like, I like being bra-less on the couch

drinking some rosé,
watching 90 Day Fiancé.

- It's my jam.
- [audience cheering]

Yes, I love that shit.

And everything he wants to do
requires health insurance.

- I'm like, "I'm so tired."
- [audience laughing]

Real talk, he wants to go camping so bad.

I was like, "No!

- On purpose? No."
- [audience laughing]

The closest I've ever been to camping
is eating sushi on the subway. I'm done.

[audience laughing]

- Done. It's yuck.
- [audience applauding]

Out in the wild.
Using my hands. [gags]

No merci.

Oh, my God, my man,
he wants me to go skiing with him.

I'm like, "With these titties,
all that gravity?"

I tried to go one time.

I spent $375 just on the outfit.

- I couldn't afford to go up the mountain.
- [audience laughing]

And this outfit was crazy.
I looked like a sassy Lego.

[audience laughing]

The other day my man hit me with,
he's just like, "Oh, babe,

do you want to climb a mountain?"

I said, "Emotionally?"

[audience laughing]

"'Cause, as a black woman,
I do that every day."

- [audience cheering]
- Yes. Yes, sis.

Yes, yes, white girl.

Tell your aunties how to vote.
Tell your aunties how to vote.

You know, you do have to do
what your partner likes to do.

And when you're, like,
different nationalities

and different countries,

it's just hard sometimes.

Like, I'm with a white boy, yes.

So I understand, I'm gonna
have to do some white boy shit.

But European white boy...

is next-level white boy shit.

[audience laughing]

Real talk. Like, the other day
we were home, I was working.

He's like, "Babe, come meet me outside."

I said, "Let me put my shoes on, hold up."

He's like, "You don't need your shoes."
I said, "Yes, I do.

- And you do too."
- [audience laughing]

I go meet him outside.

He's like, "Put your phone away."
I said, "Let me drop this pin first."

[audience laughing]

"I don't know what activity this is.
This is new."

He's like, "Give me your hands."

I was like,
"Ah! Is this a rose ceremony?" [squeals]

[laughs]

"This is cute."

And he goes, "Let's look at the sun..."

[audience laughing]

[laughter continues]

"...and let's try to guess
what time it is."

[audience laughing]

I said, "Motherfucker, I got a job!

I'm trying to get that ass-wiping money!

Go fly your kite somewhere else!"

Uh! To be that bored and confident,
I don't get it.

[audience laughing]

I strive for it.

[laughs] So silly.

Oh, my God.

What's really fun, too,
is when my single friends come over

and they're like, "I want what you have!
You like your partner."

I'm like, "You should."

You should like your partner,
and I love hooking people up,

but I feel like my single friends
never know what they want.

Who is single here? Who is single?

- [audience cheering]
- So many of y'all!

Okay, you boo-boo, what's your type?

[man] I like somebody
that I can really converse with.

You like somebody
you can really converse with.

- Yeah.
- That's cute.

[audience laughing]

And he said "converse,"
so you know he reads a magazine.

[audience laughing]

That's cute. Like, "really converse."
Okay.

So you want someone
who's a little intellectual? Yes.

Okay, same page as you.

You know, I don't know if you ever dated
a smart person.

It's really hard to argue with them.

They always win,
so get someone not so smart.

- [audience laughing]
- But kind.

What's your type, boo-boo?

[woman] Smart, funny, tall.

Smart, funny and tall.

[laughs] Okay.

[audience laughing]

No, you got a list. I like it.

I always feel bad when people say tall,
though,

'cause I'm like, short guys are great.

- [audience cheering]
- Yes.

See all them short men clapping?

[audience laughing]

They amazing. They can't reach everything,
but they don't have to.

They reach the things they supposed to.

[audience cheering]

Don't.

Don't sleep on that short, boo-boo.

Climb me like a ride at Busch Gardens now.

[audience laughing]

[laughs]

Oh, my God.

Skin... I was gonna say skinny people
over here. I'm so sorry.

- [laughs]
- [audience laughing]

All you bitches are skinny. Listen...

single people, single people.

- [faint cheering]
- [she laughs]

It sounds like I'm calling you to, like,
board a Delta flight.

"Single people! Single people!"

[audience laughing]

"Go down the side aisle, now.
Single people."

No, that's great.
Who's single? Who's single?

Yes, oh, my God, so many bitches.
What's your type?

Thoughtful.

- What?
- Thoughtful.

Thoughtful?

[audience laughing]

Oh, my God.

You got to get more specific,

but I like that.

Someone that can read.

[audience laughing]

Yeah.

What's your type?

Family-oriented.

Now, family-oriented, like,
he already got kids?

'Cause I'll hook you up.

I will hook you up.

[inaudible]

At this point you'll take it?
That's what I'm talking about.

Don't be picky, you'll fall in love.

Don't be picky, you will fall in love.
Real talk.

But I think, like, the more specific
you can get is amazing.

You know what I mean?
Specificity is everything,

whether it's someone casual or someone,
you know, for a very long time,

you know, people are just out here
like, "Tall, with h... ".

It's like you guys sound like
a character witness, like, I don't get it.

I'm just saying, think about who

you don't mind getting
in an argument with.

You're going to argue a lot.

You know, think about who you don't mind
being your last and/or first phone call.

They're going to be your everything.
Think about, you know...

who you want to put your face
in their crotch, like...

[audience laughing]

- ...you're going to do that a lot.
- [audience laughing]

So much.

Even when you're arguing,
think about that, you know, like...

Who's gonna make you want to feel
like you're gonna be a better person?

That is your type, really.

And, I don't know, like,

you guys have a type, right?

But you don't even realize
that you are somebody else's type.

- [woman] Hello.
- [audience laughing]

- Hello from the other side.
- [audience laughing]

Whoever. Whoever.

Yes, honey, you are somebody else's type.

You don't even know that.
Like, I realized way too late in life

that I am an achievable Beyoncé
for government workers.

[audience cheering]

[cheering intensifies]

Oh, my God, are you serious?

And if they're like old,
black government workers named

Lawrence, Dennis, Curtis, Otis,
anything ending in "is," they love me!

- [audience laughing]
- Whoo!

I can't go to a Veterans Day parade.
My booty ain't safe!

- [audience laughing]
- She is not safe.

They looking at me like they want me
to motorboat the PTSD off their face

and I'll do it 'cause I'm a patriot.
Thank you so much.

Whoo! Thoughts and prayers.
Thank you for your service.

Thank you so much!

I mean, I don't know about you,

but I can make a government worker
work a holiday.

- That's power, bitch.
- [audience cheering]

What you do?

I'm just saying,

you want to go to the post office with me
in December, okay?

[audience laughing]

So silly.

Ah! Anyway...

Whatever you guys want,
I want that for you.

I wish for whatever you want.

Okay, I don't think we...
We don't do that enough.

And I really want whatever you want.

I don't really have any wishes
or wants anymore, like,

not with this current administration.
Let's be honest.

But I do have one teeny tiny wish
that I want to speak into fruition.

I really want Meghan Markle
to let herself go.

[audience cheering]

Do it, girl!

You did it!

You did the whole thing!

Like, wear your hair curly,

wear a blousy T-shirt,
wear a heeled sneaker. Get wild, Meghan.

Get wild and comfortable.

But I secretly and selfishly want
Meghan Markle to let herself go

so I can play her in The Crown.

[audience cheering]

Oh, my God, I'd be so good at it.
Are you serious?

I'd make The Crown so fucking edgy.

Oh, my God, I'd be in a corner
of Buckingham Palace

getting my hair braided...

[audience laughing]

[laughs] ...sucking on a chicken bone,

pouring frosé on someone's titties...

Being like,
"I'm a queen too, bitch, and what?"

- [audience cheering]
- Ooh, I'd make The Crown so edgy.

I want a sex scene with Harry.

I want a sex scene with Harry.

I would suck his ginger dick.

I would suck his ginger dick, now.

- I would!
- [audience cheering]

I would. You'd suck it too, bitch.
Don't act like you wouldn't!

I would suck that ginger dick.

The episode would be called
"Ginger Snaps." I thought about it.

- [audience cheering]
- She thought about it.

[cheering and applauding]

Come on, you know I'm already down
for the foreskin.

I am for the skin, man.
My husband...

is European. I love it, guys.

Don't cut your dick off.
You're Lady Gaga beautiful born that way.

She likes a salty protein snack.

Yes, she likes her...

presents under the Christmas tree.

Why are you giving me Home Alone face?

Okay, don't look at me like that.

That's why you single.
Everyone's like, "What do you do with it?"

It's a banana. You peel it back
and have breakfast, bitch.

Suck the dick and man the fuck up!

[audience cheering]

- Are you serious?
- [cheering and whistling]

These are our bodies!

Celebrate each other!

[audience cheering]

Let me tell you something. If you're
single and you can't afford to travel,

you need to suck a dick
with some foreskin,

- it feels like you're in another country.
- [audience laughing]

That dick is like a Moroccan stew,
you're like,

"Ooh, I got a flavor I can't quite place."

[audience laughing]

"Is that a za'atar? Is that a za'atar?"

[audience laughing]

- "Ah! Is that preserved limón?
- [audience laughs]

[audience cheering]

They ain't ready. They ain't ready.

[cheering continues]

Y'all ain't ready.

Not fucking ready.

Aww, are you wiping your face?

Are you crying?

Did you pee yourself a little bit?

- Yeah, me too.
- [audience laughing]

[laughs]

Oh, my God.
Oh, my face, I can't believe it's real.

[audience laughing]

It has been a good-ass year
for so many reasons.

For so many damn reasons.

A year ago, my husband and I welcomed
boy-girl twins in our life.

[audience cheering]

It was amazing.

Amazing!

Anybody here have kids,

pets, finicky plants, what y'all got?

Somebody taking care of something.
Who got kids?

- [audience cheering]
- Ooh!

Yes, honey, how many kids you got?

Just one, and you're pregnant now?

Bitch.

Congratulations.
You know who the father is?

Yes, she knows!

[audience laughing]

America's so beautiful.

[laughs]

It's hard, man.
I truly didn't realize how hard it'd be

to take care of little ones.

Really, 'cause, you know, when people
are like, "What's motherhood like?"

I'm just like,
"I feel like a shoe caught in a dryer."

[audience laughing]

You know, I'm just like...
[makes thudding noises]

I'm so tired.

And these little babies were born
in January, in the dead of winter,

and they were premature,
four and five pounds,

so we couldn't leave them for a while

and we would just like sit on the couch
and rock them and look at each other,

trying not to fall asleep.

And, like, after a while,

I feel like I just turned into a scene
from The Hateful Eight.

[audience laughing]

I was just looking at my husband,
rocking the baby.

And I was like...
"Who gonna go for provisions?"

[audience laughing]

It's so... You're so tired.

Like, I remember
in the middle of the night,

I was changing one of the babies

and I opened up the diaper
and just started to cry.

Cry! I was like,
"Baby girl, you have a penis."

I was crying and my husband's like,
"That's the boy."

- [audience laughing]
- "Oh."

I didn't know.

[laughs]

And husband, he's so sweet,

you know, I can see
this is his first time too.

It was very nice.

I remember the first time
I left for work,

he's like, "Okay, so I guess
I'm on daddy duty right now?"

I was like, "For all of time."

- [audience laughing]
- All of time.

All of time.

All.

Look at this time. Look at this time.
Look at all...

of... time! Motherfucker, daddy duty, all.

- [audience cheering]
- All of it. All.

All. All the time.

Daddy duty all the time.

It doesn't stop.

[laughs] He's so well-meaning,

he's never taken care of a baby before.
Now we got twins, okay?

He's never even changed a diaper.
I said, "Ooh, you are not Caribbean."

- [laughs]
- [audience laughing]

That's some shit.

I was teaching him how to change a diaper,

I was like, "It's like an orthopedic shoe,
okay? You zip-zip."

But he didn't realize babies
have these things called "blowouts."

And it's not when
they straighten their hair.

[audience laughing]

It's when they shit up their back
to their necks.

[gags]

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

And he was changing a baby
and it had a blowout and it kept shitting

and, oh, my God, my husband shut down
like a host in Westworld.

He's like, "But there's so much!"

[audience laughing]

[audience cheering]

I held that so long.

- [audience laughing]
- Yeah, it was so long,

[laughs] I was thinking about
what I wanted to eat later.

[audience laughing]

You know what I mean,
we're out here doing it.

Twins is a lot of work.
You know, I realized I needed help.

I was really trying to be a shero.
I'm like, "No, I got this."

And I was like, "No, bitch, you don't.

You really need help,
you have to call on your village."

And I'm better about it now, you know.
We gotta ask for fucking help.

Now I'm out and I just hand the baby
to someone so I can tie my shoe.

My husband's like, "Do you know her?"

I'm like, "No, but that's a black woman,
we family."

[audience laughing]

I love you.

[audience cheering]

[laughs]

Real talk, man, I mean,

I remember the first time the babies
were old enough where we can leave them

and go to a party.

Ooh, I had a statement lip on,
I was like, "You know I'm ready."

But it was like we'd never been in public
before. Oh my God, we were a mess.

It was like we were in our 20s
doing coke for the first time.

We were like, "We got a story,
you want to hear it?"

"Tell me your story, I got a story too!"

And then I fell asleep on a toilet.

[audience laughing]

Oh, my God, you need the help.
You need the help. Like,

I used to judge Mormons all the time.

I'm like,
"Ooh, why they got all them women

with the braids and that one dude
with the man bun? That's too much.

They doing too much."

I get it.

Ooh, I get it now.
I want a sister wife so bad.

I really do. People are like,

"What you want for your birthday?"
"A sister wife. Just...

please come over, fold laundry,
hold the baby, touch his dick,

- I'm not jealous."
- [audience laughing]

"I gotta touch my toes.

I gotta cat-cow my way
back into existence right now."

[audience laughing]

Cat-cow.

Cat-cow.

You ever get stuck in front of...
In back of somebody in yoga class

who's just, like, cat-cowing too hard,
you're, like, "All right."

[audience laughing]

"I get it, you're flexible."

Oh, my God, and when people act like
it's an American Idol audition

in yoga when you're supposed
to be chanting, like... [chants]

And this bitch out here...

[vocalizes]

[audience laughing]

[laughs] You're doing too much!

So silly.

Oh, man, I didn't realize as a parent,
especially of babies,

you need so much equipment.

It's like a walking Shark Tank episode,
I'm like, "What is this?"

I can't remember the names of everything,
I'm tired,

and one day I was taking baby girl
out for a walk

and I forgot the name of the Bjorn.

So I just yelled in the house,
I said, "Baby!

Get me the strap-on for our daughter!"

[audience laughing]

"No, not the black one. The purple one!"

[audience laughing]

I'm a good person.

[audience laughing]

- I'm a good mom!
- [audience laughing]

[laughs]

Oh, my God, and also...

I didn't realize you have to become, like,
a low-budget Dr. Oz right away, like,

these little bodies, something goes wrong,
it's just, like, how do I fix this?

You know, like,
I've never even bathed a baby before.

And, oh, my God,
I'll just tell you this right now,

they slippery as fuck.

[audience laughing]

But they're resilient.

[audience applauding]

Yeah!

- Yeah, it's all cartilage, so...
- [audience laughing]

I'll never forget the first time
we gave the babies a bath.

It was warm water,

really cute organic soap.
I said, "It's gonna be great."

We put them in the water.

They were crying
like it was battery acid.

I said, "Get them out the water.
We're never going to bathe them."

[audience laughing]

My husband's like, "We gotta bathe them."
I said, "No, we don't.

We just gonna get the hot spots
like a walk of shame."

[audience cheering]

Keep 'em moving.

And really, man,

you find out who your friends are
when something good happens in your life.

Like, I didn't realize so many people
were going to have my back.

You know what I mean?
I didn't want to be that person, like,

"I've got a baby shower,
give me this stuff..."

I didn't want to do that at all.

And I had friends just come out
the woodwork,

they're like, "We want to set up
a registry for you. What do you want?"

And I'm like, "I don't need anything.
That's so sweet.

I just need CBD oil and cash."

[audience laughing]

That's the new parent registry
right there.

And then other friends, like,
don't even know how to act.

I had a friend say, "I want to
come over and hold the baby."

I said, "Oh, yes, Jesus, come over
and hold the baby. Thank you so much."

She came over, they were weeks old,
I said, "Can you wash your hands?

They don't have their shots yet."
And she goes, "Oh...

I'm spiritually clean."

[audience laughing]

- I said, "You sound dirty as fuck."
- [audience laughing]

Didn't want to wash her hands. I was
like, "I guess you won't hold the baby."

So I'm talking to her,
wishing she'd leave... [laughs]

She just eating up all my good fruit
and crackers and stuff...

Baby boy started fussing,
so I picked him up,

I started, you know, cuddling him
and stuff like that, comforting him.

Here she go...

"Hmm, he gonna manipulate you."

[audience laughing]

What? I said, "He's six weeks old!"

She's like, "He's manipulating you

and he's gonna manipulate you
even more."

I said, "Bitch, did you get catfished
by a toll booth worker?"

[audience cheering]

[audience laughing]

Don't come for a bitch.

Husband and I were really lucky

because we welcomed these babies
via surrogacy.

And...

- [audience cheering]
- Thank you.

And that was really special.

It was really, really special.

And, you know, it's always an awkward,
like, conversation to have

when you run into somebody,
'cause they're like,

"What's your birth story?"
I'm like, "Expensive."

[audience laughing]

But I ran into one of my neighbors
in New York

and he's like, "Ah, how y'all been?"
I'm like, "Good, man, we just welcomed

these boy-girl twins..."

And he's like, "Oh, you know what?
I don't mean to offend..."

- I said, "But, you're gonna."
- [audience laughing]

"Give it to me."

He's like, "I know a really good diet
if you want to take the baby weight off."

- I said...
- [audience gasping]

- "That is so funny you say that..."
- [audience laughing]

"...'cause we actually had a surrogate."

And then he goes, "What's a surrogate?"

I said, "Oh, my God." This is why we need
more federal funding for education,

so people know what the fuck is going on
outside of their two-mile radius,

I'm fucking done.
Let's get educated, okay? It matters.

[audience cheering]

So... I'm explaining it to him,
I was like,

"Our DNA, she's the carrier,
a miracle happened, we have a family,

she's an angel walking on Earth..."

I see his eyes going...

And he goes,
"Oh, is it like Handmaid's Tale?"

[audience gasping]

[audience laughing]

And I knew I had a choice.

[audience laughing]

So I said,
"Yes, exactly like Handmaid's Tale."

- It's exactly like it.
- [audience cheering]

- That's how you start a rumor.
- [audience laughing]

It was really a wild ride, though,
for a good while

because surrogacy
is not legal in New York.

Which is crazy.

Like, I am so tired
of old white men making laws for my body,

and every other woman's bodies.
It's too much.

- [audience cheering]
- For us, by us.

Oh, man.

[audience cheering]

You know, it was really crazy, like,

I didn't think that's, like,
how my journey would go.

And I always tell my friends, like,
it doesn't even matter at this point.

Right? Like, it doesn't even matter
how the journey goes,

as long as you get to the other side.

That's the only thing that matters,

so don't give up anything
you want in life.

- [audience cheering]
- Really.

And I wish somebody
would have told me that.

You know, I was sad.

I was sad that I couldn't carry
but so happy somebody else could,

you know?

I decided to make the best out of it

because you have to,
'cause life is still happening.

So when my surrogate was waiting
to go into labor,

my husband and I were at the bar next door
having a glass of wine.

[audience laughing]

And Oprah says you can have it all
but not at the same time,

but I think you can, honey,
'cause I did that shit.

[audience cheering]

Oh!

The need to take care of something

besides your dusty friends
is fucking insane.

At one point I was like,

"We gotta adopt a dog.
I gotta take care of something."

My husband said,
"What kind of dog you want?"

I said, "A big one."

So he came home with a lab mastiff.

- [audience laughing]
- Do you know what a mastiff was?

I didn't know.
I should have Google Imaged.

We have a pony. I have a pony.

I said, "She's 140 pounds,
she's my goal weight." Listen...

[audience laughing]

I have a shovel for her shit.

I wear overalls.

I look like a Puerto Rican Kathy Bates.
Listen...

[audience laughing]

I see so much shit before 11:00 a.m.
that's not mine. I'm a good person.

She is big and black and beautiful,
she won't stop growing,

- I call her Precious. Um...
- [audience laughing]

Too soon? Too soon.

Spoiler?

[audience laughing]

And I don't mean to be a big titty PSA,
but I just want to say,

if you're going to adopt a dog,
look into a black or brown one

because white and beige ones
get adopted first

and the black ones go down first.

#blackdogsmatter, thank you so much.

Are you writing it down?
You'll remember.

But what I love about my kids, I mean,
obviously because they're mine.

I love that they have such crazy
personalities, do you know what I mean?

Because I'm the only child,

my parents like to say
they got it right the first time. [laughs]

But really, they weren't fucking,
you know?

[audience laughing]

Come on, separate bedrooms
and all those puzzles?

- They ain't fucking.
- [audience laughing]

But I'm fascinated, like,

they're the same ingredients
but so different.

Like, every morning
baby boy wakes up smiling

and baby girl wakes up crying

and I'm like, "Damn, it's like they
already know about the patriarchy."

[audience laughing]

How?

Like, real talk, baby boy just has
so much pure joy in his heart.

Every time we go out in New York,
in our neighborhood,

he wants to make eye contact,
he wants people to smile at him...

I'm like, "Motherfucker, stop it.
You going to get robbed."

[audience laughing]

Stop it!

And baby girl, she's so sassy.

I don't know where the fuck
she get it from.

- [audience laughing]
- I do not know.

Like, even the pediatrician was just like,
"Wow, her peripheral vision is so good."

[audience laughing]

[audience cheering]

I said, "That's side-eye, motherfucker."

[audience laughing]

- She know you got the needle.
- [audience laughing]

[laughs]

Oh, man.

Anyway, I used to, um...

I used to judge parents so much.

Like, you can't judge people until you,
like, are really in them shoes.

You know what I mean? I'm like,
"I'm not going to do it like that.

I'm gonna be cool and do it like this."

And then you're a parent and you're like,
"Oh, fuck."

[audience laughing]

"Help me."

Like, I used to judge parents

when you would ask how old their kid is

and they'd be like,
"19 and a half months."

[stutters]

"Please don't make me do math.
Like, is that two? Is that two?

I'm not your accountant, I can't...

read these receipts right now."

[audience laughing]

But I realize parents do that shit

because it's truly the last night
they had a good night's rest.

Real talk!

If you out, you see a cute baby, you ask
the parent, "How old's your baby?"

And they be like,
"Eight months and four days."

[audience laughing]

[laughing continues]

So happy. [laughs]

You give that new parent a hug,
you give him a joint,

buy him a pickleback, I don't give a shit.
Be nice to them.

[audience laughing]

I used to judge parents too,
actually, um...

that do that third-person singsongy shit
in front of you.

Oh, my God, you ever been out...

and see a dad just do, like,
a one-person show

in front of you with their kid?

"Daddy wants to put your jacket on.
Could Daddy put your jacket on?

Daddy wants to put the jacket..."

- "Put the jacket on, Daddy."
- [audience laughing]

"It's March, we need a jacket.
Put the jacket on."

Oh, my God.

These moms out here
doing the singsongy shit

like they're your waitress,
"What do you wanna eat?"

[audience laughing]

"Mommy wanna get you something to eat.
What do you want?

Mommy want to get you..."

"Get the kid something to eat.

The kid want food."

Oh, my God.
"Mommy wanna get you a cookie.

What kind of cookie do you want?"

"It ain't British Bake Off, bitch."

[audience laughing]

Get the kid a cookie.

[laughs]

But I'm realizing now,
you do that singsongy shit

because you can't rush your kids,
you know?

They don't understand
what it's like being late.

They don't. We can't rush our kids.

If we rush them,
they're gonna be all anxious

and we're just going to have
a world full of Larry Davids.

- Who wants that?
- [audience laughing]

Not me, sis!

Nobody wants that, and I just fell
into that singy-songy shit.

I didn't even know I was doing it.

I came home one night and I was like,

[singsong] "Oh, baby girl,

Daddy didn't change your diaper.

So mommy gonna change your diaper.

♪ Mommy gonna change your diaper ♪

♪ Mommy gonna change your diaper ♪

♪ Mommy gonna change
Mommy gonna change ♪

♪ Mommy going to change your diaper ♪

♪ Mommy gonna change... ♪

♪ Your... ♪

♪ Dia... ♪

[audience laughs]

♪ ...per! ♪

'Cause who rules the world?

Girls!"

[audience cheering]

I just wanna say,

oh, my God, you guys,
I truly feel like a size 13.

- Um...
- [audience laughing]

I just want to say, I've been doing
stand-up for 18 years,

- and it is...
- [audience cheering]

It's been a journey.

It's been a journey.

And that's why I tell you, just keep doing
whatever the fuck you want to do

because you never know what is
going to happen, but it'll be great.

- Anything you want.
- [audience cheering]

And...

- Oh, my God.
- [cheering continues]

And I just want to say...

And I just want to say, there's a lot
of shit going on in the world right now.

There's always going to be a lot of shit
going on in the world

and it doesn't matter
what your title is at work,

or what your degree says,

or whatever fucking car you drive.

The only thing that matters
is your character.

We have to be kind to each other

and I cannot appreciate you enough
for being kind to me.

- [audience cheering]
- That's been my motherfucking show!

[audience cheering]

[whistling and cheering]

[upbeat music playing]

[cheering continues]

[squeals]

[cheering and whistling]

[upbeat music continues playing]

[woman] Oy vey! And up.
Use your knees, Page. Come on, push it!