Michael Yo: Blasian (2018) - full transcript
Family first comedian and bonafide Blasian, Michael Yo, brings his uniquely personal blend of comedy to his debut stand up special. Born and raised in Houston, TX, Michael talks about the ...
All right, guys.
- Are you ready?
- Let's do it.
Check one, check two.
Is it on yet? It is?
This should look good now.
Hey, Mike. It's Joe... Koy.
Yeah. It's your night.
Or should I say our night,
since I'm opening for you.
Remember when you
used to open for me
and you only had two minutes?
Michael Yo cut the budget
when it came to producing
my segment.
That's an iPhone
that I'm looking into.
And this is just some kind
of karaoke mic
that my mom uses.
Isn't that great?
But anything for Michael Yo.
So, look.
Thank you guys for coming.
We're about to crush this show
'cause Michael Yo
is backstage and ready.
So ladies and gentlemen,
give it up for my friend,
and make some noise
for Michael Yo!
What?!
What's up?
That's what I'm talking about!
Sit down, sit down, man!
My God! I feel so good.
Thank you so much, man.
Yes!
That's what I'm talking about!
My goodness, man.
My boy Joe Koy,
he said, "You got
your first special.
Where you gonna shoot it at?
New York? Miami?
San Francisco?"
I was like,"Nah.
Glendale."
Armenian capitol of the world!
Why wouldn't I shoot it here,
though?
I mean, look at this room.
Look at all this diversity
in this room. Why wouldn't
I shoot it here, man?
That's right.
I gotta tell you,
it ain't like this everywhere.
I was in Wyoming last week.
I was the diversity in Wyoming.
I was onstage, they were like,
"I didn't know Tiger Woods
did comedy!"
Yeah, I mean, look at it.
We got black folks here.
I'm...
I'm sorry I just pointed you out
like that.
That was kind of messed up.
- What's your name, man?
- James.
James. All right, man.
I like that.
James in the...
We got Asian people here.
I love Asian people, man.
I love 'em.
I love the way they yell.
They yell the exact same way
no matter where I go.
It's like,"
We come for you!"
But I gotta tell you
my favorite ethnicity.
And I love these folks.
They got so much passion.
I'm talking about Latinos, man.
You just dance for no reason.
I was at McDonald's,
I saw one just like...
Okay, you go ahead.
I love Latinos, man.
You just say the word "Latinos,"
they'll go nuts.
Watch this, James.
Latinos!
That's how they got caught
crossing the border.
Donald Trump is at the wall,
"Latinos!"
They're like, "Whoo!
Puto, we did it again!"
Nah, man.
Looking at the crowd, I see
the 20-year-olds in the crowd.
Yeah, no, no. Yeah, yeah.
No, you don't need to yell.
You don't need to yell.
I can see it in your eyes.
You know what I mean?
You got this thing called life,
you know what I mean?
I can see it!
I'm just jealous, man.
Once you get over 35,
you get jealous of people
in their twenties,
you know what I mean?
You know, just jealous,
that's it.
'Cause you do things that I just
don't understand anymore.
Like, to me... this is
your first stop tonight.
You haven't even had dinner yet.
For all the people 35 and up...
No, no, no. Shh!
Shh!
Conserve your energy.
This is your last stop tonight.
That's right, that's right.
When you get old like us,
you gotta do the sleep math,
right?
You know what the sleep math is.
You did it before you came out
tonight. Don't lie.
You're like, "All right,
this show gonna start at 7:00
and be over around 9:00.
I'll be home around 9:30,
be sleeping by 10:00
My kids wake up at 6:00,
that's eight hours of sleep.
Hell yeah, let's do this!"
Here's the thing.
If you're in your twenties,
if you're in your twenties,
enjoy it.
'Cause once it's gone,
it's gone.
Here's what's great about you.
Like all the people
in your twenties,
you can go to sleep tonight,
wake up in the morning,
open your eyes,
and just jump out of bed and go.
No problem!
For all the people like us,
all the older people,
you ever go to bed
feeling fine...
and then when you wake up
it feels like somebody
beat the shit out of you?
Man, who is beating us up
in our sleep?
How do you get sore not moving?
I don't understand it, people.
I'm falling apart.
I'm falling apart. Like, my left
knee is messed up right now.
You know how I hurt it?
Walking across the street.
I was walking across the street,
my knee said, "Screw it!
I'm out, peace!"
I'm like, "Goddamn!"
I'm trying to be a man, though.
I'm trying to be a man.
I'm trying to go
to the weight room.
But you know what I'm on
right now? The elliptical.
You hear the women
laugh at that?
Nothing takes your man card away
like an elliptical.
You know where they put
the ellipticals?
Behind the treadmills.
So you can watch
real athletes run.
I think I look cool
on this thing
till I see my ass in the mirror
like this.
I'm a bitch,
that's what I'm saying.
I hate getting older, man.
I hate it.
'Cause I'm starting to say
things my parents
used to tell me.
You catch yourself
saying those things
that your parents said to you.
Like if a person this morning
was like, "Hey, how you doing?"
I was like, "Any day you wake up
it's a great day."
Like, I'm hating music today.
We grew up with Tupac, Biggie,
Tribe Called Quest.
Thank you!
Real lyricists.
I don't know what rappers
are saying today.
I have no idea.
Half of the rappers sound like
they just woke up from a nap.
You know what I mean?
They're like...
Why are you rapping on Ambien,
Fetty Wap? What's going on?
Or all these rappers
just make sound effects.
They just make sound effects.
Like Cardi B.
You heard her?
She's just like...
What do you got, Tourette's,
girl? What's wrong with you?
But one thing that really
makes me mad,
and it makes me angry,
is breakup music today.
What happened to breakup music?
It used to be so good.
It used to be so good.
You know how I know breakup
music is awful today?
People are dancing
to breakup songs.
People are dancing and don't
even know they broke up, people.
That's what I'm saying.
Man, it's terrible.
They're fun and poppy today.
Like raise your hand
if you like Taylor Swift...
so I can punch you
in the throat.
That's not real breakup music,
man!
Breakup music supposed to make
you feel just miserable.
You know what I mean?
It's supposed to make you
go to your room and just cry,
reevaluate your life,
you know what I mean?
Like a girl broke my heart
in high school.
You know what I threw on?
Boyz II Men.
Right?
"End of the Road."
After the first lyrics
of that song,
I was like...
"We do belong together."
Our music had passion.
You know, real breakup music
had passion back in the day.
And it empowered women.
Today, your artists
don't empower you.
And dudes gotta be scared
of the artist a little bit.
You know what I mean?
Like, no dude in here
is scared of Taylor Swift.
Or Adele.
But let me tell you something
about the women in the '90s.
They empowered women.
That's right.
They empowered women.
You had groups like TLC.
Try being a shady dude
hitting on a woman in the '90s.
She be like,".
You a scrub! You a scrub!
Get your scrub hands off of me!"
You had Mary J. Blige.
Toni Braxton.
En Vogue made a song
called "Never Gonna Get It."
These women were telling you
you were never gonna get it!
You can't dance
to that breakup song.
The whole time the girl's finger
is in your face, like,
Can't have it. Can't have it."
Dude's dancing with her like,
"Goddamn, that's fucked up."
But let me tell you something.
There was one woman in the '90s
that scared,
petrified every man.
That's right. She didn't
make breakup songs,
she made breakup revenge songs.
Her name was Alanis Morissette.
Right, ladies?
Alanis Morissette
did not play games, ladies.
No. She said what every
woman wanted to say
when they found out their man
was cheating on 'em.
Yeah. She was like,
"You are going to die!"
She scared
the hell out of me, man.
Every picture,
her hair's in her face,
looking like the girl from The Ring,
you know what I mean?
If you don't believe Alanis
Morissette empowered women,
in the '90s she had chicks
cutting off dicks
and throwing them out of car
windows! Remember that?
Lorena Bobbit was her name.
Driving her car,
singing the wrong lyrics
into the dick.
♪ You are going to die
For you younger people,
that's me rolling
down the window.
Now, I know a lot of y'all
right now are going,
"How old are you?"
I know I look young.
Black don't crack,
Asian no raisin.
That's right. I'm 136 years old.
But you know what?
They got a name for me.
They got a name for me.
Black and Asian.
They call me blasian.
Yeah. You hear all
the white women? Yeah.
They love blasian dudes.
'Cause I'm a starter black.
I'm a gateway drug to blackness.
I'm like weed for white women,
you know what I mean?
They start with me and they
wind up with James down here.
It's tough being blasian, man.
They struggle is real.
'Cause you have two polar
opposites in one body.
You got black and Asian
in one body,
always fighting,
never getting along.
You seen the movie Rush Hour,
right?
I am Rush Hour, people!
I can't do simple things
without fighting with myself.
Like my girl will
get nasty sometimes.
She be like, "Hey,
send me a dirty pic."
My black side's like, "Yeah.
Send that."
My Asian side is like,
"No, could be trouble!"
The struggle is real
being blasian.
Or mixed.
'Cause no matter where I go,
nobody knows what I am.
That's when they call me
what they want.
Yeah. I go to Miami,
they're like,
"Hey, you're Puerto Rican."
I go to New York, they're like,
"You're Dominican."
I go to Hawaii, they're like,
"Welcome home."
I was born and raised
in Houston, Texas.
Yeah!
I went to an all-white school
in Houston, Texas.
A lot of people don't believe
me, so look at that right there.
There I am!
I loved going to an all-white
school, though, you know?
I loved it.
I got my personality,
I got my sense of humor,
I learned how to take a joke.
And trust me, I heard every
stereotypical joke
you could hear about being
half black and Asian.
Like a kid came up to me
and went, "Hey, Yo.
You know you're the only guy
that can steal a car...
and wreck it on the way home?"
That's impossible, man.
You know how hard it is to steal
a car with flip-fops
and socks on? Come on now.
My dad. He was born and raised
in Louisiana.
He served our country
in the Army, folks.
My dad had swag, man.
He's 74 years old and he walks
around the house like this.
You know what I mean?
And he's always laughing,
he's like...
And he's always pointing at shit
that's not there.
He's like...
Like, my dad's a special man.
You know?
He taught me lessons
in five seconds or less.
You know, he didn't sit me down
and have long conversations.
Nine years old,
watching cartoons,
my dad walks in and goes, "Son!
Don't talk about it,
be about it."
And just left the fucking room.
There's another reason
my dad has swag.
This black man has a PhD
in nuclear physics.
Right?!
Now I hear the Asian people.
"Okay.
Black man plus PhD
equal white man."
My mom.
That's my mom. Calm down.
My mom, she was born
and raised in Korea.
South side.
Now we know who doesn't
watch the news in this room.
But here's the thing
about Asian women.
They don't have filters.
If they think it, they say it,
it flies out their mouth.
If you don't believe me,
go to the airport.
They all got masks
over their mouths,
just walking around,
talking shit about people,
like, "You so stupid,
you so dumb.
Your purse is fake."
My mom has no filter.
That's what I'm saying.
No filter, man.
I was 12 years old, my mom
buys me my first pet.
It's a little black
Cocker Spaniel.
I was so excited.
I was like, "Mom!
What should we name it?"
She looks at the dog and goes,
"Well, it's black.
Let's name it Blackie."
"You can't name a black dog
Blackie, Mom.
That's racist."
She go, "So funny.
So funny.
I racist. Okay.
You know you have black dad,
right?"
So I live in Houston, Texas
in an all-white neighborhood.
Predominantly racist
with a dog named Blackie.
I didn't care, I was having
the time of my life
with the dog in the front yard.
It's dinnertime, my mom comes
out and goes, "Hey, Blackie!
Come home!"
Even the racist white people
were like, "Goddamn!
That bitch is racist!"
Man.
My dad met my mom
and then they had me.
Aw!
"Aw" is right. Look how old
I look in this photo.
I look younger now
than I do in this photo.
I am the real-life
Benjamin Button.
Look at this! I look like an old
Asian man that just died.
I'm two days old in this photo.
How is my hairline receding?
It's all right, man.
My parents made it work.
They told me I always belong,
man, and I could be anything
in America, you know what
I mean? That's right.
I love 'em. I love 'em.
I love 'em so much.
I mean, I was the happiest
kid around.
I mean, look at this smile!
Look how big those teeth are,
man.
I'm eight years old
in this photo.
My teeth are 46.
Can I tell you what I love
about this photo?
I know I'm not adopted.
If you take my dad's head,
squish it into my mom's head,
that little shit pops out.
My mom.
My mom has no filter, man.
The best story in the world
happened last year of my life.
I went home,
it was the NBA playoffs.
The championship, actually.
The Cleveland Cavaliers plays
the Golden State Warriors.
Right? I go home,
all my friends come over,
and my dad,
we're watching the game.
My mom comes in out of nowhere,
looks at the screen and goes,
"Look, so stupid.
Me no understand."
I look at the screen
and I'm like, "What?
It's LeBron James."She goes,
"Yeah, I know Bron-Bron.
"But you tell me this,"
in front of all my friends,
"why he have tattoo?
He too black, you can't see."
"Mom, my friends are here.
That shit is racist."
She goes, "So funny.
So funny.
So I racist now.
Okay, okay, I racist.
But you no racist, right?"
I'm like,"Nah, Mom.
I'm not racist."She goes,
"Good, good, good.
Since you no racist...
tell me what tattoo say."
The whole room looks
at the screen.
We couldn't tell what
the shit said either.
But I didn't want my mom
to know she was right.
I look at my dad for help 'cause
he's the leader of the pack.
He jumps up and goes,
"I got this, son.
I got it, I got it.
It says 'K-W-N-T-M-T-O-B.'"
My mom goes,
"K-W-N-T-M-T-O-B?"
He goes, "Yep. Korean women need
to mind their own business.
Shit!"
She didn't like that.
But I love my parents, man.
They been together for a while.
And you know how
they make it work?
They're always trash talking
each other.
You know my parents,
that's all they do.
That's how they keep it fun,
man.
But it's not mean-spirited,
it's just fun.
Like, for instance, my dad,
me growing up in
an all-white neighborhood,
wanted me to know
that I was black.
I remember one day,
ten years old,
watching cartoons,
he bust in and went, "Son!
If you one percent black
in America,
you are black!"
And just leaves the room.
My mom pokes her head in
and goes, "He so stupid.
You Asian too."
My dad goes, "Stupid?
I'm a black man with a PhD."
My mom goes,
"Everyone in Korea had PhD."
Man, I tell you...
Black father, Korean mother.
And I tell you what.
My black father
gave me whuppings. Yes.
But there is no beatdown
like an Asian mom beatdown.
It's not, man!
If you don't believe me,
I got two questions for you:
When's the last time you seen
an Asian kid act bad in public?
Or even talk?
You don't even see Asian moms
hit their kids.
You just hear a sound.
Kid on the floor.
My mom did it to me
all the time. Why?
'Cause our moms are ninjas,
that's why.
My mom is a ninja.
Every night when I was a kid,
we ate dinner at 6:30. Right?
So my mom's running behind.
And Asian moms love to beat us
with wooden spoons. You know?
Like, 'cause they're short.
So they can use it
as a "go-go Gadget" arm.
They can pull stuff
off the shelves.
But this day she was cooking
her rice with it, right?
It's 6:30,
my mom's running behind,
she looks at me and goes,
"Hey, boy. Set table."
I'm a punk-ass kid.
I go, "Set the table?
Mom, forget you."
Blackout.
It's tough having an Asian mom,
people. It's tough.
'Cause my mom's name is K-U-M.
My mom's name is Kum.
And the worst thing about having
a mom named Kum...
is a mom named Kum
that doesn't understand
what cum means in English.
And what's worse than that,
my dad never told my mom
what her name meant in English.
'Cause he thought it was funny.
And what's worse than that,
my dad would make me
introduce my mom to people!
'Cause he thought it was funny.
He be like, "Go ahead, son.
Introduce your mama."
I never forget it.
I never forget it.
My mom is driving the car.
My dad's in the passenger seat.
I'm in the back seat
with two of their friends.
No, my mom's always wanted
to own a restaurant.
And in real life
in Houston, Texas,
they own a Jewish deli.
I don't have enough time to get
into that story.
So my dad is like, "Okay,
you wanna own a restaurant?
What kind of food
you wanna serve?"
My mom is like, "I love burgers.
Let's serve burgers."
My dad's like,"Great.
I like burgers too.
Honey, what would you call it?"
She says,
"I call it Kum Burger."
My dad is laughing his ass off.
After about 30 seconds,
he looks at my mom and goes,
"Nobody going
to that restaurant.
You need to change the name,
honey.
You're making it about yourself.
It's not just about you.
It's about the family."
Now my name is Yo.
And my dad's name is Oliver.
So my mom is like, "Good idea.
You know what I do?
I put all our names
in restaurant."
My dad's like, "Great.
I like that.
Honey, what would you call it?"
She said,
"I call it
Kum Oliver Yo Burger."
How do you market that
to people?
"Say, man, what you
doing for lunch?"
"I'm gonna cum all
over your burger.
That's what I'm gonna do."
It's terrible.
I tell you, my dad
was stationed in Korea.
Fell in love with my mom,
came back to America,
saved up money for two years.
They wrote letters back
and forth.
My mom ran away from her parents
'cause they wouldn't let her
marry a black guy.
My dad left his parents
'cause they wouldn't let him
marry an Asian woman.
They still got married.
And they been married 45 years
to this day.
They did it, man.
I asked my dad the other day,
I was like, "Dad, how do you
stay married 45 years
in today's society?"
My dad goes,
"That's simple, son.
You just give up."
I'm like, "Give up? What..."
"Son!
You don't give up on your life.
You just give up
on your opinion."
Then my mom walks by and goes,
"No!
You have opinion...
when I say you have opinion."
My dad can't even
order his dinner anymore.
Yeah. I take them out to eat
the other night,
my dad goes,
"I'm gonna take the steak."
My mom goes,
"You don't like steak."
My dad looks at me and goes,
"She's right.
I don't like steak."
Like, "Dad, you been eating
steak all your life."
He says, "If your mama say
I don't like steak,
I don't like steak."
I had to let him know, people.
This is not the man
I grew up with.
I lean over to him and say,
"Hey, man.
You just need to know,
you're acting like a bitch."
My mom leans over to me
and goes, "Yeah. My bitch."
But you find out a lot
about your parents
when they been together
for so long.
You know what I mean?
You find out a lot about them.
I found out my dad's the rock
of the family.
He is the rock, man.
Good news, bad news,
he's always consistent.
He's never down, man. I've
never... he's always positive.
Like, my mom beat
breast cancer twice.
Yeah.
The first time she beat it...
I was nine years old.
Sorry.
The second time she beat it,
I was 31.
And, um...
And I was scared
when I found out.
I knew that I could lose
the only woman
I know that would love me
for the rest of my life.
Right?
So... so, my dad tells me
to come to the hospital.
So I go to the hospital
and my dad's always the same.
Always positive.
I walk into the hospital,
my dad goes,
"So, you wanna hear the good
news or the great news?"
I'm like, "Well,
give me the good news.
Give me the great news.
Give me the good news."
My dad says, "Well,
the good news is
your mama beat breast cancer."
I'm like,"All right!
All right!" I was like, "Well,
no, that's the great news, Dad."
My dad says,".
The great news is
she's getting new boobies."
So I wanted something like that
in my life, you know.
So not too long ago,
I got engaged myself.
Now, people ask you two
questions when you get engaged.
You know, "How'd you know she
was the one?"
And "How'd you get engaged?"
Well, I knew she was the one
'cause I can't imagine waking up
in the morning
and not seeing her face.
I can't. I love her!
How we got engaged
is an amazing story.
I rented out this place called
the Malibu Winery, right?
Yeah!
It has zebras, giraffes.
It's a fairy tale, right?
So the idea I had was
I was gonna surprise her.
She doesn't know I'm there.
I'm gonna walk...
That's our dog, Paul,
so I was gonna walk with Paul,
right, I was gonna take the ring
off his neck.
She was gonna turn around,
I was gonna look at her and go,
"Baby, I love you so much.
I can't imagine my life
without you.
Every day that goes by
that we're not married
is a wasted day.
Will you marry me?" Right?
Yeah.
That's what I thought
I was gonna say.
It's the big day, right,
so I'm walking with my dog,
I take the ring off her neck,
she turns around,
we make eye contact.
I start ugly crying.
I'm like,""
I'm like...
Now I'm sounding like Fetty Wap.
You know what I mean?
My goodness.
It was so amazing.
It was the worst proposal ever.
But she still said yes.
And that's the most
important part, right?
So... so I had another surprise
for her.
After we got engaged,
we took engagement photos,
then I surprised her
with a dinner, right?
It was her family, my family,
and all of her friends.
And I took this picture
with her family
at the end of the night.
Now, this is before I saw
the movie Get Out.
Now when her mom asks me
to come over,
I'm like, "No!"
Yeah, man. Six months after
that, on Valentine's Day,
we got married. Yeah!
Look at her! So calm.
So beautiful. No tears.
Let's look at the next guy.
I'm so sensitive.
Yeah, man.
It was such... it was such
a great wedding, man.
I love this photo right here.
I love it.
This is the last photo we took
before everybody went
into the reception.
And two of my best guy friends,
they come up to me
when everybody's walking in,
they go, "Hey, man.
You got to have sex
at the end of the night.
You're married now."
I was like,"Of course.
Yeah. No... yeah, of course."
He goes, "No, no,
you don't understand.
We partied too much
during our wedding,
and passed out.
So now every wedding we go to,
our wives remind us about it.
Don't be a victim, Yo."
I'm like, "No, no, no.
I got this. I got this.
I want a family right away.
I want little Yo-Yos
running around.
You know what I mean?"
It's the end of the night.
I carry my wife
over the threshold,
she gets in the bed, she starts
taking off her clothes,
I start taking off my clothes.
Then she says the kinkiest thing
I've ever heard her say,
She goes, "Do the helicopter!
Spin it around!"
I'm like, "Who are you?"
But I'm into it,
it's our wedding night.
So I'm like...
But it's not picking up
much speed.
It's like a pendulum.
Then she goes, "Faster!"
Now I'm like...
Now we're starting to roleplay,
you know what I mean?
She's like, "Bring it in."
I'm like, "Chopper's coming in.
Big chopper's coming in."
Now, fellas,
there's a lot going on.
I'm trying to focus.
I'm trying to keep it up.
Every step I take,
it get worse and worse. Right?
My wife is like, "Bring it in."
I'm like, "I'm losing altitude.
I'm losing altitude.
I'm losing altitude."
I get to her.
Nothing.
And all I hear from the bed is,
"Black Hawk down."
Black Hawk down."
Maybe I should have kept
that shit to myself.
But I made it up.
We had a baby in March, people.
That's right!
I love it, man. I love it.
I love this photo,
and let me tell you why.
Every time people
would see us together,
me and my wife walking together,
and they knew she was pregnant,
random people would walk up
to us and go, "Hey, man.
What you think
it's going to look like?"
"What's the baby gonna look
like?"
I'm like, "I don't know,
you mix up too much stuff,
it could go wrong, you know?"
Like a Unicorn Frappuccino
or something. I don't know!
Fellas, if you're gonna
have a baby,
be in the emergency room,
watch the whole process.
It's the most beautiful thing
you will ever see in your life.
Your wife give birth.
You know?
It's just so magic... And women
are so much stronger than men.
And that's what you find out.
That's what you find out.
The baby comes out.
It's a boy.
We name him Oliver after my dad.
Yeah. Yeah.
He's crying, he's crying,
he's crying.
He won't stop crying.
My wife is trying
to get him to stop crying.
So I said I needed
to do something.
So I took this finger,
and put it by his hand.
- And he grabbed it.
- Aw!
And stopped crying.
And I started crying.
Here's what's crazy
about this photo.
I knew, as soon
as he grabbed my finger,
I would die for him.
I would die for my son.
I don't even know anything about
him, but I would die for my son.
My wife had to work for that.
You get it, right?
Like, nobody dies for someone
on the first date.
Ladies, let me tell you
something.
If a dude says on the first
date, "I would die for you"
you better run.
'Cause that dude is gonna kill
you, you know what I mean?
I tell you when I knew
I would die for her.
When you get married,
you think when you say yes,
that is the most in love
you could be.
Hundred percent.
Until you see your wife
take care of your child.
See how great
of a mother she is.
My heart exploded with love.
So now I would die
for my wife. Hundred percent.
I would die for her. Like,
if a car jumped a curb
and was headed her way,
I would push her out of the way
and take the hit myself.
No problem.
'Cause we've all dated people
we wouldn't die for.
A car jumps the curb,
you're like,
"I guess it was they time.
I guess it was they time.
The Lord works
in mysterious ways."
Aw!
Yeah. Couple of days old
in the hospital.
You know, people coming by our
room congratulating us
and going, "My God!
He looks just like you."
And I'm like, "Really?"
This looks like a before
and after of a crackhead.
I put my baby on Instagram,
follow me at Michaelyo,
he gets thousands of likes.
I can't put this baby
on Instagram!
He would get no likes,
just a bunch of sad faces
with prayer hands.
That's all he would get!
I didn't even know this picture
existed till six months ago.
My dad calls me up and goes,
"Son, check your email."
I check my email,
this picture pops up,
he goes, "You was an ugly-ass
baby, weren't you?"
Boom! And hangs up the phone.
Every time I do a show,
when I leave my house,
I take a picture of my son.
Take a picture.
'Cause I know I'm gonna do this
live show so I wanna see
the latest photo of him.
And this is the one I took.
- Aw!
- Right. Right.
He just turned one years old.
Yeah, yeah.
But I want you to do me a favor.
I want you to do me a favor,
everybody.
Look at my baby.
Really look at him.
This kid is white, black,
and Asian.
We gave birth to a panda.
What am I gonna tell my son?
What am I gonna tell my son?
My dad told me, if you
one percent black in America,
you are black.
He's 25 percent black,
25 percent Asian,
50 percent white.
So what I decided
is I'm gonna tell him to love
everything about himself,
because if you can't
love yourself
you can't love anybody else.
Right?
Because let me tell you,
I want my son to know who he is
right away 'cause I struggled
with it growing up.
I didn't know what I was.
Like if I hung out
with a black kid,
the Asian kid would get mad.
If I hung out
with the Asian kid,
the black kid would get mad.
That's why I like white kids,
man.
I was like a Pokémon to them.
They were like, "Look!
We got one!"
I struggled with who I was
till I was 18 years old.
Then I had drinks
with Tiger Woods.
True story, 21 years ago,
he won the Masters
for the first time.
That's right.
He went on Oprah.
Oprah says, "How's it feel to be
the first black golfer to win?"
Tiger says, "I'm not black."
Black people lost
their freaking minds.
My dad lost his mind.
He was like,
"Um, how that Tiger Woods
gonna say he ain't black?
Don't he know if you one percent
black in America,
you are black!" Boom!
And hangs up the phone. Right?
So I'm sitting there with
Tiger Woods, I go, "Hey, man.
Black people are mad at you.
My dad is mad at you.
Why didn't you just say
you were black?"
He goes, "If I said I was black,
I'd be disrespecting my mom.
And she's Thai. And I love
my mom just as much
as I love my dad.
So I am proud to be both."
And I was like, "Shit.
Me too!"
Light bulb went off.
I knew who I was.
I called my dad up and said,
"Hey, Dad.
Tiger Woods is proud to be both
and so am I."
My dad goes, "I don't give
a damn what Tiger Woods say!
You tell him if he one percent
black in America, he is black!"
Boom! And hangs up the phone.
Fast forward
to Tiger Woods' wife
chasing him with a golf club.
My dad calls me up this time
and goes,
"Tiger Woods, he black now,
ain't he?
He black now, ain't he?"
I tell you, it's interesting,
since I'm a father,
I told my dad before I told
my mom we were pregnant.
I called my dad, I was like,
"Dad! We're gonna have a baby.
You got any advice?"
My dad goes, "You never know
what you're doing,
just take it day by day."
Boom! And hangs up the phone.
He doesn't know what he's doing.
He's carrying me
like a football, people!
This is child abuse.
You know how I know?
My mom is taking the picture!
"This look great.
Take another one. Okay."
So now I'm trying to be
the best father I can be.
And I'm watching other parents,
and things have changed
since I was a kid. You know?
And this is a question
for all of you.
Did your parents,
when you were growing up,
care what you thought
about them?
No. No.
Today, parents care
what their kids think about 'em.
A lot of 'em do.
I live in Hollywood.
My friend's a big actor.
Big actor.
He has a four-year-old son.
He calls me up and goes,
"Hey, man.
I don't know what to do.
My kid just told me he hated me.
We might go to therapy."
Therapy. I remember the
first time I told my dad
I hated him. He was like,
"Good, I hate you too!"
He reversed it on me.
I was like...
"Mom! My dad just said
he hated me!"
My mom goes, "Good.
He finally tell you."
I gotta say, everyone asks me
in comedy,
why'd you want to put
your parents' faces
in slides in your standup show?
And I said, look, for my family,
this is a way to honor them.
You know what I mean?
This is a tribute to them.
Because I'm lucky
they're still alive. Yeah.
I want my wife to able
to look back on this.
I want my son, later in life,
when he's older, to look back
at this and go, "Man!
My dad, he's such a bitch.
Just crying. Just crying
all the time. Just cries."
I'm gonna leave you with this.
You know, I got a blessed life,
I got a beautiful family,
I got beautiful parents.
But I do...
But I do want leave with this.
I, I been lucky in life,
as far as job wise too.
I've worked for every
entertainment platform.
I've interviewed
every celebrity.
And I wanna leave you with
a story about Justin Timberlake.
Now, I don't know if you know,
but I was Samoan
in my past life.
Justin Timberlake invites me out
to his show to interview him
for his charity.
I get there, he makes me
wait three hours.
Right? I'm mad, I'm angry,
I wanna go home.
Finally, this dude shows up
and goes, "Hey, man.
Sorry I was late.
You want tickets to my show?"
In my mind, I'm like, "Nah.
I'm a man.
And men don't go
to Justin Timberlake shows."
I look down at the tickets,
it's second row.
I'm like, "Shit,
this man about to go
to a Justin Timberlake show!"
Now, if you never been
to a Justin Timberlake show,
second row, back in the day,
let me break it down for you.
Twelve-year-old girls...
all around me.
I'm mad, I'm angry,
and I look like a pedophile.
Two songs, I'm out.
Two songs, I'm out.
Lights go down. Wah!
I never heard demon children
scream so loud!
And then I hear the music.
Lights come up,
Justin Timberlake.
Wah! I'm like, "Shut up!"
Two songs, I'm out.
Two songs, I'm out.
Justin Timberlake's
standing there.
And then he starts walking.
And right before the "kah,"
he looks to the second row.
Makes eye contact with me,
and goes, "Yo!"
Now, I don't know what happened
to my mind and body,
- but I was like, "Justin!
- Justin!"
I started high-fiving the
12-year-old girls around me.
I stayed the whole show, people.
I bought four CDs
at the end of the show.
Justin Timberlake made me
gay for him that night.
I was so excited,
I was dancing and singing
all the way back to my car.
I had to share this experience
with somebody.
I hit the first number
on my phone. It was my dad.
He's like, "Why you breathing
so hard, son?"
I was like, "Dad, you would not
believe what just happened!
Justin Timberlake just gave me
a shout-out onstage!"
My dad goes,
"Who's the bitch now?"
Boom! And hangs up the phone.
Thank you! Have a great night!
Thank you so much!
Thank you!
My mom, my dad,
and my wife Claire.
And this is Oliver.
Y'all have a great one.
Good night!
Yeah... well,
you gotta say something.
- No, I don't.
- Yeah, you do.
- No.
- Go ahead.
Hi.
Michael was the best kid
you could have,
you can imagine.
He cried a lot, though.
- Go ahead.
- Why?
- Why he cry?
- I don't remember.
- I have no idea.
- I don't remember.
- You told me he cried a lot.
- When he were a baby.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
The best quality he got
from me is his comedy.
He take after my smartness.
And we had a little black dog,
and I didn't know what
to name him.
So he was black,
so I said let's name Blackie.
- I hear...
- This wasn't a good quality.
Ask for... what was the question?
I forgot what the question was.
Michael wasn't very good
in school.
He was very athletic, though.
He had really skinny legs.
And when he played football,
that skinny leg can run.
- He turned out okay.
- Yeah, he turn out to be
- really good.
- Yeah, pretty good kid.
Yeah, so I'm very proud.
Very, very proud.
Yeah, he is very goal-orientated.
Once he put his mind to,
he achieve.
- Are you ready?
- Let's do it.
Check one, check two.
Is it on yet? It is?
This should look good now.
Hey, Mike. It's Joe... Koy.
Yeah. It's your night.
Or should I say our night,
since I'm opening for you.
Remember when you
used to open for me
and you only had two minutes?
Michael Yo cut the budget
when it came to producing
my segment.
That's an iPhone
that I'm looking into.
And this is just some kind
of karaoke mic
that my mom uses.
Isn't that great?
But anything for Michael Yo.
So, look.
Thank you guys for coming.
We're about to crush this show
'cause Michael Yo
is backstage and ready.
So ladies and gentlemen,
give it up for my friend,
and make some noise
for Michael Yo!
What?!
What's up?
That's what I'm talking about!
Sit down, sit down, man!
My God! I feel so good.
Thank you so much, man.
Yes!
That's what I'm talking about!
My goodness, man.
My boy Joe Koy,
he said, "You got
your first special.
Where you gonna shoot it at?
New York? Miami?
San Francisco?"
I was like,"Nah.
Glendale."
Armenian capitol of the world!
Why wouldn't I shoot it here,
though?
I mean, look at this room.
Look at all this diversity
in this room. Why wouldn't
I shoot it here, man?
That's right.
I gotta tell you,
it ain't like this everywhere.
I was in Wyoming last week.
I was the diversity in Wyoming.
I was onstage, they were like,
"I didn't know Tiger Woods
did comedy!"
Yeah, I mean, look at it.
We got black folks here.
I'm...
I'm sorry I just pointed you out
like that.
That was kind of messed up.
- What's your name, man?
- James.
James. All right, man.
I like that.
James in the...
We got Asian people here.
I love Asian people, man.
I love 'em.
I love the way they yell.
They yell the exact same way
no matter where I go.
It's like,"
We come for you!"
But I gotta tell you
my favorite ethnicity.
And I love these folks.
They got so much passion.
I'm talking about Latinos, man.
You just dance for no reason.
I was at McDonald's,
I saw one just like...
Okay, you go ahead.
I love Latinos, man.
You just say the word "Latinos,"
they'll go nuts.
Watch this, James.
Latinos!
That's how they got caught
crossing the border.
Donald Trump is at the wall,
"Latinos!"
They're like, "Whoo!
Puto, we did it again!"
Nah, man.
Looking at the crowd, I see
the 20-year-olds in the crowd.
Yeah, no, no. Yeah, yeah.
No, you don't need to yell.
You don't need to yell.
I can see it in your eyes.
You know what I mean?
You got this thing called life,
you know what I mean?
I can see it!
I'm just jealous, man.
Once you get over 35,
you get jealous of people
in their twenties,
you know what I mean?
You know, just jealous,
that's it.
'Cause you do things that I just
don't understand anymore.
Like, to me... this is
your first stop tonight.
You haven't even had dinner yet.
For all the people 35 and up...
No, no, no. Shh!
Shh!
Conserve your energy.
This is your last stop tonight.
That's right, that's right.
When you get old like us,
you gotta do the sleep math,
right?
You know what the sleep math is.
You did it before you came out
tonight. Don't lie.
You're like, "All right,
this show gonna start at 7:00
and be over around 9:00.
I'll be home around 9:30,
be sleeping by 10:00
My kids wake up at 6:00,
that's eight hours of sleep.
Hell yeah, let's do this!"
Here's the thing.
If you're in your twenties,
if you're in your twenties,
enjoy it.
'Cause once it's gone,
it's gone.
Here's what's great about you.
Like all the people
in your twenties,
you can go to sleep tonight,
wake up in the morning,
open your eyes,
and just jump out of bed and go.
No problem!
For all the people like us,
all the older people,
you ever go to bed
feeling fine...
and then when you wake up
it feels like somebody
beat the shit out of you?
Man, who is beating us up
in our sleep?
How do you get sore not moving?
I don't understand it, people.
I'm falling apart.
I'm falling apart. Like, my left
knee is messed up right now.
You know how I hurt it?
Walking across the street.
I was walking across the street,
my knee said, "Screw it!
I'm out, peace!"
I'm like, "Goddamn!"
I'm trying to be a man, though.
I'm trying to be a man.
I'm trying to go
to the weight room.
But you know what I'm on
right now? The elliptical.
You hear the women
laugh at that?
Nothing takes your man card away
like an elliptical.
You know where they put
the ellipticals?
Behind the treadmills.
So you can watch
real athletes run.
I think I look cool
on this thing
till I see my ass in the mirror
like this.
I'm a bitch,
that's what I'm saying.
I hate getting older, man.
I hate it.
'Cause I'm starting to say
things my parents
used to tell me.
You catch yourself
saying those things
that your parents said to you.
Like if a person this morning
was like, "Hey, how you doing?"
I was like, "Any day you wake up
it's a great day."
Like, I'm hating music today.
We grew up with Tupac, Biggie,
Tribe Called Quest.
Thank you!
Real lyricists.
I don't know what rappers
are saying today.
I have no idea.
Half of the rappers sound like
they just woke up from a nap.
You know what I mean?
They're like...
Why are you rapping on Ambien,
Fetty Wap? What's going on?
Or all these rappers
just make sound effects.
They just make sound effects.
Like Cardi B.
You heard her?
She's just like...
What do you got, Tourette's,
girl? What's wrong with you?
But one thing that really
makes me mad,
and it makes me angry,
is breakup music today.
What happened to breakup music?
It used to be so good.
It used to be so good.
You know how I know breakup
music is awful today?
People are dancing
to breakup songs.
People are dancing and don't
even know they broke up, people.
That's what I'm saying.
Man, it's terrible.
They're fun and poppy today.
Like raise your hand
if you like Taylor Swift...
so I can punch you
in the throat.
That's not real breakup music,
man!
Breakup music supposed to make
you feel just miserable.
You know what I mean?
It's supposed to make you
go to your room and just cry,
reevaluate your life,
you know what I mean?
Like a girl broke my heart
in high school.
You know what I threw on?
Boyz II Men.
Right?
"End of the Road."
After the first lyrics
of that song,
I was like...
"We do belong together."
Our music had passion.
You know, real breakup music
had passion back in the day.
And it empowered women.
Today, your artists
don't empower you.
And dudes gotta be scared
of the artist a little bit.
You know what I mean?
Like, no dude in here
is scared of Taylor Swift.
Or Adele.
But let me tell you something
about the women in the '90s.
They empowered women.
That's right.
They empowered women.
You had groups like TLC.
Try being a shady dude
hitting on a woman in the '90s.
She be like,".
You a scrub! You a scrub!
Get your scrub hands off of me!"
You had Mary J. Blige.
Toni Braxton.
En Vogue made a song
called "Never Gonna Get It."
These women were telling you
you were never gonna get it!
You can't dance
to that breakup song.
The whole time the girl's finger
is in your face, like,
Can't have it. Can't have it."
Dude's dancing with her like,
"Goddamn, that's fucked up."
But let me tell you something.
There was one woman in the '90s
that scared,
petrified every man.
That's right. She didn't
make breakup songs,
she made breakup revenge songs.
Her name was Alanis Morissette.
Right, ladies?
Alanis Morissette
did not play games, ladies.
No. She said what every
woman wanted to say
when they found out their man
was cheating on 'em.
Yeah. She was like,
"You are going to die!"
She scared
the hell out of me, man.
Every picture,
her hair's in her face,
looking like the girl from The Ring,
you know what I mean?
If you don't believe Alanis
Morissette empowered women,
in the '90s she had chicks
cutting off dicks
and throwing them out of car
windows! Remember that?
Lorena Bobbit was her name.
Driving her car,
singing the wrong lyrics
into the dick.
♪ You are going to die
For you younger people,
that's me rolling
down the window.
Now, I know a lot of y'all
right now are going,
"How old are you?"
I know I look young.
Black don't crack,
Asian no raisin.
That's right. I'm 136 years old.
But you know what?
They got a name for me.
They got a name for me.
Black and Asian.
They call me blasian.
Yeah. You hear all
the white women? Yeah.
They love blasian dudes.
'Cause I'm a starter black.
I'm a gateway drug to blackness.
I'm like weed for white women,
you know what I mean?
They start with me and they
wind up with James down here.
It's tough being blasian, man.
They struggle is real.
'Cause you have two polar
opposites in one body.
You got black and Asian
in one body,
always fighting,
never getting along.
You seen the movie Rush Hour,
right?
I am Rush Hour, people!
I can't do simple things
without fighting with myself.
Like my girl will
get nasty sometimes.
She be like, "Hey,
send me a dirty pic."
My black side's like, "Yeah.
Send that."
My Asian side is like,
"No, could be trouble!"
The struggle is real
being blasian.
Or mixed.
'Cause no matter where I go,
nobody knows what I am.
That's when they call me
what they want.
Yeah. I go to Miami,
they're like,
"Hey, you're Puerto Rican."
I go to New York, they're like,
"You're Dominican."
I go to Hawaii, they're like,
"Welcome home."
I was born and raised
in Houston, Texas.
Yeah!
I went to an all-white school
in Houston, Texas.
A lot of people don't believe
me, so look at that right there.
There I am!
I loved going to an all-white
school, though, you know?
I loved it.
I got my personality,
I got my sense of humor,
I learned how to take a joke.
And trust me, I heard every
stereotypical joke
you could hear about being
half black and Asian.
Like a kid came up to me
and went, "Hey, Yo.
You know you're the only guy
that can steal a car...
and wreck it on the way home?"
That's impossible, man.
You know how hard it is to steal
a car with flip-fops
and socks on? Come on now.
My dad. He was born and raised
in Louisiana.
He served our country
in the Army, folks.
My dad had swag, man.
He's 74 years old and he walks
around the house like this.
You know what I mean?
And he's always laughing,
he's like...
And he's always pointing at shit
that's not there.
He's like...
Like, my dad's a special man.
You know?
He taught me lessons
in five seconds or less.
You know, he didn't sit me down
and have long conversations.
Nine years old,
watching cartoons,
my dad walks in and goes, "Son!
Don't talk about it,
be about it."
And just left the fucking room.
There's another reason
my dad has swag.
This black man has a PhD
in nuclear physics.
Right?!
Now I hear the Asian people.
"Okay.
Black man plus PhD
equal white man."
My mom.
That's my mom. Calm down.
My mom, she was born
and raised in Korea.
South side.
Now we know who doesn't
watch the news in this room.
But here's the thing
about Asian women.
They don't have filters.
If they think it, they say it,
it flies out their mouth.
If you don't believe me,
go to the airport.
They all got masks
over their mouths,
just walking around,
talking shit about people,
like, "You so stupid,
you so dumb.
Your purse is fake."
My mom has no filter.
That's what I'm saying.
No filter, man.
I was 12 years old, my mom
buys me my first pet.
It's a little black
Cocker Spaniel.
I was so excited.
I was like, "Mom!
What should we name it?"
She looks at the dog and goes,
"Well, it's black.
Let's name it Blackie."
"You can't name a black dog
Blackie, Mom.
That's racist."
She go, "So funny.
So funny.
I racist. Okay.
You know you have black dad,
right?"
So I live in Houston, Texas
in an all-white neighborhood.
Predominantly racist
with a dog named Blackie.
I didn't care, I was having
the time of my life
with the dog in the front yard.
It's dinnertime, my mom comes
out and goes, "Hey, Blackie!
Come home!"
Even the racist white people
were like, "Goddamn!
That bitch is racist!"
Man.
My dad met my mom
and then they had me.
Aw!
"Aw" is right. Look how old
I look in this photo.
I look younger now
than I do in this photo.
I am the real-life
Benjamin Button.
Look at this! I look like an old
Asian man that just died.
I'm two days old in this photo.
How is my hairline receding?
It's all right, man.
My parents made it work.
They told me I always belong,
man, and I could be anything
in America, you know what
I mean? That's right.
I love 'em. I love 'em.
I love 'em so much.
I mean, I was the happiest
kid around.
I mean, look at this smile!
Look how big those teeth are,
man.
I'm eight years old
in this photo.
My teeth are 46.
Can I tell you what I love
about this photo?
I know I'm not adopted.
If you take my dad's head,
squish it into my mom's head,
that little shit pops out.
My mom.
My mom has no filter, man.
The best story in the world
happened last year of my life.
I went home,
it was the NBA playoffs.
The championship, actually.
The Cleveland Cavaliers plays
the Golden State Warriors.
Right? I go home,
all my friends come over,
and my dad,
we're watching the game.
My mom comes in out of nowhere,
looks at the screen and goes,
"Look, so stupid.
Me no understand."
I look at the screen
and I'm like, "What?
It's LeBron James."She goes,
"Yeah, I know Bron-Bron.
"But you tell me this,"
in front of all my friends,
"why he have tattoo?
He too black, you can't see."
"Mom, my friends are here.
That shit is racist."
She goes, "So funny.
So funny.
So I racist now.
Okay, okay, I racist.
But you no racist, right?"
I'm like,"Nah, Mom.
I'm not racist."She goes,
"Good, good, good.
Since you no racist...
tell me what tattoo say."
The whole room looks
at the screen.
We couldn't tell what
the shit said either.
But I didn't want my mom
to know she was right.
I look at my dad for help 'cause
he's the leader of the pack.
He jumps up and goes,
"I got this, son.
I got it, I got it.
It says 'K-W-N-T-M-T-O-B.'"
My mom goes,
"K-W-N-T-M-T-O-B?"
He goes, "Yep. Korean women need
to mind their own business.
Shit!"
She didn't like that.
But I love my parents, man.
They been together for a while.
And you know how
they make it work?
They're always trash talking
each other.
You know my parents,
that's all they do.
That's how they keep it fun,
man.
But it's not mean-spirited,
it's just fun.
Like, for instance, my dad,
me growing up in
an all-white neighborhood,
wanted me to know
that I was black.
I remember one day,
ten years old,
watching cartoons,
he bust in and went, "Son!
If you one percent black
in America,
you are black!"
And just leaves the room.
My mom pokes her head in
and goes, "He so stupid.
You Asian too."
My dad goes, "Stupid?
I'm a black man with a PhD."
My mom goes,
"Everyone in Korea had PhD."
Man, I tell you...
Black father, Korean mother.
And I tell you what.
My black father
gave me whuppings. Yes.
But there is no beatdown
like an Asian mom beatdown.
It's not, man!
If you don't believe me,
I got two questions for you:
When's the last time you seen
an Asian kid act bad in public?
Or even talk?
You don't even see Asian moms
hit their kids.
You just hear a sound.
Kid on the floor.
My mom did it to me
all the time. Why?
'Cause our moms are ninjas,
that's why.
My mom is a ninja.
Every night when I was a kid,
we ate dinner at 6:30. Right?
So my mom's running behind.
And Asian moms love to beat us
with wooden spoons. You know?
Like, 'cause they're short.
So they can use it
as a "go-go Gadget" arm.
They can pull stuff
off the shelves.
But this day she was cooking
her rice with it, right?
It's 6:30,
my mom's running behind,
she looks at me and goes,
"Hey, boy. Set table."
I'm a punk-ass kid.
I go, "Set the table?
Mom, forget you."
Blackout.
It's tough having an Asian mom,
people. It's tough.
'Cause my mom's name is K-U-M.
My mom's name is Kum.
And the worst thing about having
a mom named Kum...
is a mom named Kum
that doesn't understand
what cum means in English.
And what's worse than that,
my dad never told my mom
what her name meant in English.
'Cause he thought it was funny.
And what's worse than that,
my dad would make me
introduce my mom to people!
'Cause he thought it was funny.
He be like, "Go ahead, son.
Introduce your mama."
I never forget it.
I never forget it.
My mom is driving the car.
My dad's in the passenger seat.
I'm in the back seat
with two of their friends.
No, my mom's always wanted
to own a restaurant.
And in real life
in Houston, Texas,
they own a Jewish deli.
I don't have enough time to get
into that story.
So my dad is like, "Okay,
you wanna own a restaurant?
What kind of food
you wanna serve?"
My mom is like, "I love burgers.
Let's serve burgers."
My dad's like,"Great.
I like burgers too.
Honey, what would you call it?"
She says,
"I call it Kum Burger."
My dad is laughing his ass off.
After about 30 seconds,
he looks at my mom and goes,
"Nobody going
to that restaurant.
You need to change the name,
honey.
You're making it about yourself.
It's not just about you.
It's about the family."
Now my name is Yo.
And my dad's name is Oliver.
So my mom is like, "Good idea.
You know what I do?
I put all our names
in restaurant."
My dad's like, "Great.
I like that.
Honey, what would you call it?"
She said,
"I call it
Kum Oliver Yo Burger."
How do you market that
to people?
"Say, man, what you
doing for lunch?"
"I'm gonna cum all
over your burger.
That's what I'm gonna do."
It's terrible.
I tell you, my dad
was stationed in Korea.
Fell in love with my mom,
came back to America,
saved up money for two years.
They wrote letters back
and forth.
My mom ran away from her parents
'cause they wouldn't let her
marry a black guy.
My dad left his parents
'cause they wouldn't let him
marry an Asian woman.
They still got married.
And they been married 45 years
to this day.
They did it, man.
I asked my dad the other day,
I was like, "Dad, how do you
stay married 45 years
in today's society?"
My dad goes,
"That's simple, son.
You just give up."
I'm like, "Give up? What..."
"Son!
You don't give up on your life.
You just give up
on your opinion."
Then my mom walks by and goes,
"No!
You have opinion...
when I say you have opinion."
My dad can't even
order his dinner anymore.
Yeah. I take them out to eat
the other night,
my dad goes,
"I'm gonna take the steak."
My mom goes,
"You don't like steak."
My dad looks at me and goes,
"She's right.
I don't like steak."
Like, "Dad, you been eating
steak all your life."
He says, "If your mama say
I don't like steak,
I don't like steak."
I had to let him know, people.
This is not the man
I grew up with.
I lean over to him and say,
"Hey, man.
You just need to know,
you're acting like a bitch."
My mom leans over to me
and goes, "Yeah. My bitch."
But you find out a lot
about your parents
when they been together
for so long.
You know what I mean?
You find out a lot about them.
I found out my dad's the rock
of the family.
He is the rock, man.
Good news, bad news,
he's always consistent.
He's never down, man. I've
never... he's always positive.
Like, my mom beat
breast cancer twice.
Yeah.
The first time she beat it...
I was nine years old.
Sorry.
The second time she beat it,
I was 31.
And, um...
And I was scared
when I found out.
I knew that I could lose
the only woman
I know that would love me
for the rest of my life.
Right?
So... so, my dad tells me
to come to the hospital.
So I go to the hospital
and my dad's always the same.
Always positive.
I walk into the hospital,
my dad goes,
"So, you wanna hear the good
news or the great news?"
I'm like, "Well,
give me the good news.
Give me the great news.
Give me the good news."
My dad says, "Well,
the good news is
your mama beat breast cancer."
I'm like,"All right!
All right!" I was like, "Well,
no, that's the great news, Dad."
My dad says,".
The great news is
she's getting new boobies."
So I wanted something like that
in my life, you know.
So not too long ago,
I got engaged myself.
Now, people ask you two
questions when you get engaged.
You know, "How'd you know she
was the one?"
And "How'd you get engaged?"
Well, I knew she was the one
'cause I can't imagine waking up
in the morning
and not seeing her face.
I can't. I love her!
How we got engaged
is an amazing story.
I rented out this place called
the Malibu Winery, right?
Yeah!
It has zebras, giraffes.
It's a fairy tale, right?
So the idea I had was
I was gonna surprise her.
She doesn't know I'm there.
I'm gonna walk...
That's our dog, Paul,
so I was gonna walk with Paul,
right, I was gonna take the ring
off his neck.
She was gonna turn around,
I was gonna look at her and go,
"Baby, I love you so much.
I can't imagine my life
without you.
Every day that goes by
that we're not married
is a wasted day.
Will you marry me?" Right?
Yeah.
That's what I thought
I was gonna say.
It's the big day, right,
so I'm walking with my dog,
I take the ring off her neck,
she turns around,
we make eye contact.
I start ugly crying.
I'm like,""
I'm like...
Now I'm sounding like Fetty Wap.
You know what I mean?
My goodness.
It was so amazing.
It was the worst proposal ever.
But she still said yes.
And that's the most
important part, right?
So... so I had another surprise
for her.
After we got engaged,
we took engagement photos,
then I surprised her
with a dinner, right?
It was her family, my family,
and all of her friends.
And I took this picture
with her family
at the end of the night.
Now, this is before I saw
the movie Get Out.
Now when her mom asks me
to come over,
I'm like, "No!"
Yeah, man. Six months after
that, on Valentine's Day,
we got married. Yeah!
Look at her! So calm.
So beautiful. No tears.
Let's look at the next guy.
I'm so sensitive.
Yeah, man.
It was such... it was such
a great wedding, man.
I love this photo right here.
I love it.
This is the last photo we took
before everybody went
into the reception.
And two of my best guy friends,
they come up to me
when everybody's walking in,
they go, "Hey, man.
You got to have sex
at the end of the night.
You're married now."
I was like,"Of course.
Yeah. No... yeah, of course."
He goes, "No, no,
you don't understand.
We partied too much
during our wedding,
and passed out.
So now every wedding we go to,
our wives remind us about it.
Don't be a victim, Yo."
I'm like, "No, no, no.
I got this. I got this.
I want a family right away.
I want little Yo-Yos
running around.
You know what I mean?"
It's the end of the night.
I carry my wife
over the threshold,
she gets in the bed, she starts
taking off her clothes,
I start taking off my clothes.
Then she says the kinkiest thing
I've ever heard her say,
She goes, "Do the helicopter!
Spin it around!"
I'm like, "Who are you?"
But I'm into it,
it's our wedding night.
So I'm like...
But it's not picking up
much speed.
It's like a pendulum.
Then she goes, "Faster!"
Now I'm like...
Now we're starting to roleplay,
you know what I mean?
She's like, "Bring it in."
I'm like, "Chopper's coming in.
Big chopper's coming in."
Now, fellas,
there's a lot going on.
I'm trying to focus.
I'm trying to keep it up.
Every step I take,
it get worse and worse. Right?
My wife is like, "Bring it in."
I'm like, "I'm losing altitude.
I'm losing altitude.
I'm losing altitude."
I get to her.
Nothing.
And all I hear from the bed is,
"Black Hawk down."
Black Hawk down."
Maybe I should have kept
that shit to myself.
But I made it up.
We had a baby in March, people.
That's right!
I love it, man. I love it.
I love this photo,
and let me tell you why.
Every time people
would see us together,
me and my wife walking together,
and they knew she was pregnant,
random people would walk up
to us and go, "Hey, man.
What you think
it's going to look like?"
"What's the baby gonna look
like?"
I'm like, "I don't know,
you mix up too much stuff,
it could go wrong, you know?"
Like a Unicorn Frappuccino
or something. I don't know!
Fellas, if you're gonna
have a baby,
be in the emergency room,
watch the whole process.
It's the most beautiful thing
you will ever see in your life.
Your wife give birth.
You know?
It's just so magic... And women
are so much stronger than men.
And that's what you find out.
That's what you find out.
The baby comes out.
It's a boy.
We name him Oliver after my dad.
Yeah. Yeah.
He's crying, he's crying,
he's crying.
He won't stop crying.
My wife is trying
to get him to stop crying.
So I said I needed
to do something.
So I took this finger,
and put it by his hand.
- And he grabbed it.
- Aw!
And stopped crying.
And I started crying.
Here's what's crazy
about this photo.
I knew, as soon
as he grabbed my finger,
I would die for him.
I would die for my son.
I don't even know anything about
him, but I would die for my son.
My wife had to work for that.
You get it, right?
Like, nobody dies for someone
on the first date.
Ladies, let me tell you
something.
If a dude says on the first
date, "I would die for you"
you better run.
'Cause that dude is gonna kill
you, you know what I mean?
I tell you when I knew
I would die for her.
When you get married,
you think when you say yes,
that is the most in love
you could be.
Hundred percent.
Until you see your wife
take care of your child.
See how great
of a mother she is.
My heart exploded with love.
So now I would die
for my wife. Hundred percent.
I would die for her. Like,
if a car jumped a curb
and was headed her way,
I would push her out of the way
and take the hit myself.
No problem.
'Cause we've all dated people
we wouldn't die for.
A car jumps the curb,
you're like,
"I guess it was they time.
I guess it was they time.
The Lord works
in mysterious ways."
Aw!
Yeah. Couple of days old
in the hospital.
You know, people coming by our
room congratulating us
and going, "My God!
He looks just like you."
And I'm like, "Really?"
This looks like a before
and after of a crackhead.
I put my baby on Instagram,
follow me at Michaelyo,
he gets thousands of likes.
I can't put this baby
on Instagram!
He would get no likes,
just a bunch of sad faces
with prayer hands.
That's all he would get!
I didn't even know this picture
existed till six months ago.
My dad calls me up and goes,
"Son, check your email."
I check my email,
this picture pops up,
he goes, "You was an ugly-ass
baby, weren't you?"
Boom! And hangs up the phone.
Every time I do a show,
when I leave my house,
I take a picture of my son.
Take a picture.
'Cause I know I'm gonna do this
live show so I wanna see
the latest photo of him.
And this is the one I took.
- Aw!
- Right. Right.
He just turned one years old.
Yeah, yeah.
But I want you to do me a favor.
I want you to do me a favor,
everybody.
Look at my baby.
Really look at him.
This kid is white, black,
and Asian.
We gave birth to a panda.
What am I gonna tell my son?
What am I gonna tell my son?
My dad told me, if you
one percent black in America,
you are black.
He's 25 percent black,
25 percent Asian,
50 percent white.
So what I decided
is I'm gonna tell him to love
everything about himself,
because if you can't
love yourself
you can't love anybody else.
Right?
Because let me tell you,
I want my son to know who he is
right away 'cause I struggled
with it growing up.
I didn't know what I was.
Like if I hung out
with a black kid,
the Asian kid would get mad.
If I hung out
with the Asian kid,
the black kid would get mad.
That's why I like white kids,
man.
I was like a Pokémon to them.
They were like, "Look!
We got one!"
I struggled with who I was
till I was 18 years old.
Then I had drinks
with Tiger Woods.
True story, 21 years ago,
he won the Masters
for the first time.
That's right.
He went on Oprah.
Oprah says, "How's it feel to be
the first black golfer to win?"
Tiger says, "I'm not black."
Black people lost
their freaking minds.
My dad lost his mind.
He was like,
"Um, how that Tiger Woods
gonna say he ain't black?
Don't he know if you one percent
black in America,
you are black!" Boom!
And hangs up the phone. Right?
So I'm sitting there with
Tiger Woods, I go, "Hey, man.
Black people are mad at you.
My dad is mad at you.
Why didn't you just say
you were black?"
He goes, "If I said I was black,
I'd be disrespecting my mom.
And she's Thai. And I love
my mom just as much
as I love my dad.
So I am proud to be both."
And I was like, "Shit.
Me too!"
Light bulb went off.
I knew who I was.
I called my dad up and said,
"Hey, Dad.
Tiger Woods is proud to be both
and so am I."
My dad goes, "I don't give
a damn what Tiger Woods say!
You tell him if he one percent
black in America, he is black!"
Boom! And hangs up the phone.
Fast forward
to Tiger Woods' wife
chasing him with a golf club.
My dad calls me up this time
and goes,
"Tiger Woods, he black now,
ain't he?
He black now, ain't he?"
I tell you, it's interesting,
since I'm a father,
I told my dad before I told
my mom we were pregnant.
I called my dad, I was like,
"Dad! We're gonna have a baby.
You got any advice?"
My dad goes, "You never know
what you're doing,
just take it day by day."
Boom! And hangs up the phone.
He doesn't know what he's doing.
He's carrying me
like a football, people!
This is child abuse.
You know how I know?
My mom is taking the picture!
"This look great.
Take another one. Okay."
So now I'm trying to be
the best father I can be.
And I'm watching other parents,
and things have changed
since I was a kid. You know?
And this is a question
for all of you.
Did your parents,
when you were growing up,
care what you thought
about them?
No. No.
Today, parents care
what their kids think about 'em.
A lot of 'em do.
I live in Hollywood.
My friend's a big actor.
Big actor.
He has a four-year-old son.
He calls me up and goes,
"Hey, man.
I don't know what to do.
My kid just told me he hated me.
We might go to therapy."
Therapy. I remember the
first time I told my dad
I hated him. He was like,
"Good, I hate you too!"
He reversed it on me.
I was like...
"Mom! My dad just said
he hated me!"
My mom goes, "Good.
He finally tell you."
I gotta say, everyone asks me
in comedy,
why'd you want to put
your parents' faces
in slides in your standup show?
And I said, look, for my family,
this is a way to honor them.
You know what I mean?
This is a tribute to them.
Because I'm lucky
they're still alive. Yeah.
I want my wife to able
to look back on this.
I want my son, later in life,
when he's older, to look back
at this and go, "Man!
My dad, he's such a bitch.
Just crying. Just crying
all the time. Just cries."
I'm gonna leave you with this.
You know, I got a blessed life,
I got a beautiful family,
I got beautiful parents.
But I do...
But I do want leave with this.
I, I been lucky in life,
as far as job wise too.
I've worked for every
entertainment platform.
I've interviewed
every celebrity.
And I wanna leave you with
a story about Justin Timberlake.
Now, I don't know if you know,
but I was Samoan
in my past life.
Justin Timberlake invites me out
to his show to interview him
for his charity.
I get there, he makes me
wait three hours.
Right? I'm mad, I'm angry,
I wanna go home.
Finally, this dude shows up
and goes, "Hey, man.
Sorry I was late.
You want tickets to my show?"
In my mind, I'm like, "Nah.
I'm a man.
And men don't go
to Justin Timberlake shows."
I look down at the tickets,
it's second row.
I'm like, "Shit,
this man about to go
to a Justin Timberlake show!"
Now, if you never been
to a Justin Timberlake show,
second row, back in the day,
let me break it down for you.
Twelve-year-old girls...
all around me.
I'm mad, I'm angry,
and I look like a pedophile.
Two songs, I'm out.
Two songs, I'm out.
Lights go down. Wah!
I never heard demon children
scream so loud!
And then I hear the music.
Lights come up,
Justin Timberlake.
Wah! I'm like, "Shut up!"
Two songs, I'm out.
Two songs, I'm out.
Justin Timberlake's
standing there.
And then he starts walking.
And right before the "kah,"
he looks to the second row.
Makes eye contact with me,
and goes, "Yo!"
Now, I don't know what happened
to my mind and body,
- but I was like, "Justin!
- Justin!"
I started high-fiving the
12-year-old girls around me.
I stayed the whole show, people.
I bought four CDs
at the end of the show.
Justin Timberlake made me
gay for him that night.
I was so excited,
I was dancing and singing
all the way back to my car.
I had to share this experience
with somebody.
I hit the first number
on my phone. It was my dad.
He's like, "Why you breathing
so hard, son?"
I was like, "Dad, you would not
believe what just happened!
Justin Timberlake just gave me
a shout-out onstage!"
My dad goes,
"Who's the bitch now?"
Boom! And hangs up the phone.
Thank you! Have a great night!
Thank you so much!
Thank you!
My mom, my dad,
and my wife Claire.
And this is Oliver.
Y'all have a great one.
Good night!
Yeah... well,
you gotta say something.
- No, I don't.
- Yeah, you do.
- No.
- Go ahead.
Hi.
Michael was the best kid
you could have,
you can imagine.
He cried a lot, though.
- Go ahead.
- Why?
- Why he cry?
- I don't remember.
- I have no idea.
- I don't remember.
- You told me he cried a lot.
- When he were a baby.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
The best quality he got
from me is his comedy.
He take after my smartness.
And we had a little black dog,
and I didn't know what
to name him.
So he was black,
so I said let's name Blackie.
- I hear...
- This wasn't a good quality.
Ask for... what was the question?
I forgot what the question was.
Michael wasn't very good
in school.
He was very athletic, though.
He had really skinny legs.
And when he played football,
that skinny leg can run.
- He turned out okay.
- Yeah, he turn out to be
- really good.
- Yeah, pretty good kid.
Yeah, so I'm very proud.
Very, very proud.
Yeah, he is very goal-orientated.
Once he put his mind to,
he achieve.