Michael Moore in TrumpLand (2016) - full transcript

♪ ("When Johnny Comes
Marching Home") ♪

It's Support the Troops Week

here in Wilmington, Ohio.

Plus it's Homecoming weekend

for Wilmington's Fighting Quakers.

And don't forget the big
county Corn Festival

is just around the corner.

If this is any indication
of how Mr Trump's gonna do,

it's gonna be a
landslide for Trump.

Also a reminder about

that big Wilmington gun festival



which is going to be held
at the Roberts Centre

at the end of the month.

You wanna see my 357?

A lot of people say
that Trump is a clown.

He won't be when he's president.

Around here, I ain't heard
nobody for Clinton.

And speaking of guns,

and the people who want to
take them away from us,

controversial film-maker
Michael Moore

will perform a one man show
tonight at the Murphy Theatre.

Trump lost $914 million dollars,

but he got out of a lot
of taxes for that, too,

so probably just a good idea.

You know, he didn't get
it handed down to him



like Hillary did from her parents.

Ohio Republicans
have tried to block

Moore from performing
in the state,

with one local leader
threatening to cut public funds

for the theatre if
the show goes on.

I think it's gonna be close,

and I think that Hillary's going
to have dead people vote.

There's no word from the
theatre's benefactor

Conservative icon Glenn Beck
where he stands on the issue.

Michael Moore needs
to go a little right.

He needs to go a little right.

He needs to go to the right.

We put the word out,

we wanted all types of
people to come here tonight.

Do we have anybody here

who's thinking about
voting for Donald Trump?

Good, thank you, welcome.

And how many people here
are voting for Hillary?

Wow, so we've got a
good mix here tonight.

Trump voters, we've
got Hillary voters,

we've got people who aren't sure
who they're gonna vote for,

we've got people who
aren't gonna vote at all.

How about third party people.

Anybody voting for a
third party candidate?

Can I ask you where Aleppo is?

Just kidding, just kidding.

The only thing you need
to know about Wilmington,

it's the birthplace
of the banana split.

How about that, huh?

Hold the nuts.

Well, Wilmington, Ohio here

is the county seat of
Clinton County, Ohio.

The irony was not lost on me,

probably from the first
minute I entered this town.

It may be called Clinton County,

but it's not Clinton country.

Alright?

I mean seriously.

Trump got four times
as many votes here

than Hillary did in the primary.

Right?

I mean I think in
part it's because

the people who are
more conservative,

Republicans, Trump
voters, whatever,

It's something I actually
admire about conservatives.

You have the courage
of your convictions.

You are relentless.

You're like, "This is
the way I believe.

"Damnnit, that's it."

and we're like,
"Well, I don't know,

"I could think about it a
little bit and maybe."

You know, these Trump
voters, my friends,

are gonna be up at five in
the morning on Election Day.

They're up at five in
the morning a lot.

The only time we see
five in the morning

is when we've been up
partying all night.

That's five in the
morning, yeah right.

Come on, everybody in here has got

a conservative in
the family, right?

Many of you brought that
person with you tonight.

A brother, a father, an uncle,

a brother-in-law, a sister,

not a sister, I know, I
just threw that in there.

And they are the organised
one in the family.

They never lose their car keys.

The conservatives, they've
got little hooks in the,

by the back door, with
a label on each hook.

That's my Beamer key,
that's my F-150 key,

that's the key for the car
Mathew McConaughey drives.

Our side, we're like,

this is how we, this
is how we sound.

This is how we sound,

"So, where do you want
to go eat tonight?"

"I don't care, where
do you want to go?"

"I don't know, wherever
you want to go."

"No, no, no you picked last time."

"No, seriously wherever you want."

This is right?

Like the conservative,
they're like,

"Get in the car, we're
going to Outback.

"Get in there."

Decisive, organised, discipline.

You've got to admire
that about them.

No but, all kidding aside, as
it says out on the marquee,

Trump voters welcome here tonight.

And I really wanted to invite

people who are thinking of
voting for Donald Trump,

might be leaning toward Trump.

So, I just wanna, as a
gesture of good will

to those of you who are thinking
of voting for Donald Trump,

tonight I've done something
to make you comfortable

in here amongst these
liberals, and Bernie voters,

and third-party people, and
undecideds and whatever,

and on the way in,

you might have noticed the
ushers asked Mexicans,

and Mexican-Americans
who were coming in

if they would sit in a
special Mexican section.

We've segregated them out for you.

Where, oh there you
are over there.

We gave them their
own little, what?

She said she's from Guatemala.

Close enough.

It's, it's just so the Trump
people wouldn't be nervous

we made it Mexican
or Mexican-looking.

All right?

And during the show tonight

our production assistants
will be building

a symbolic wall around
them in the balcony.

Don't worry you will
be able to get out.

You will have to pay to get out

of the wall at the
end of the show.

And as an added gesture

we have placed any person that
was Muslim or Muslim looking

in their own section
here in the back.

Are the Muslims up there?

Here we go Muslims.

There they are.

Muslims, Muslim-Americans.

Right, let's hear it for them.

They're Americans.

But just so, just so
that the Trump people

aren't too nervous about
you being in here,

we are going to fly
a drone above them

right within the theatre here.

They're no weapons on the
drone, we're non-violent,

just cameras, so we'll
be able to know,

you know, to just check in on you

to see how you're doing when,

what you're up to.

Now I see the shoulders of
the Trump guy back there,

he's already relaxed.

So, see?

We've got it covered for you.

That's what I was willing to do

so that you would
come here tonight.

I'll tell you one thing

if this eases your mind at all,

I have never voted
for Hillary Clinton.

I voted for Obama in
the primary in 2008,

and I voted for Bernie in
the primary this year.

I actually never voted for Bill.

Back then I think I
voted for Nader in '96

and '92 was probably
a third party thing

because Clinton was just too,

he was a very
conservative Democrat.

So I've never really
voted for Hillary.

I am not a Hillary voter.

Thank you, thank you,
you can applaud that.

You know we're all
Americans, right?

Let's just start there.

Regardless who we're
voting for, right?

We're all in the same boat,

and we're gonna sink
or swim together.

And I'd rather we swim.

Because I believe we have more
things in common than not.

We, we believe in the same things.

First of all we want the best
schools for our kids, right?

Trump voters?

Right?

Right?

You want the best schools
for your kids, that's not,

I know, I know there's a rule,

don't agree with Michael
Moore on anything,

but I'm trying to come out
and meet you halfway.

And the things we don't agree on,

alright, you love your guns.

I don't want a gun,
I don't get a gun.

I won't get one.

You don't believe in abortion.

Okay, sir?

Do not have an abortion.

Don't, if you are against
it, don't get one.

Who doesn't like the
Supreme Court's decision

on gay marriage in here?

You don't support it.

Right? Right.

Anybody else back there?

Sir?

Okay, sir?

Then don't get gay married.

Right?

It's like, if,

if two gay people
want to get married,

let them be married.

You don't want to be gay,
trust me, you won't like it.

Alright?

It won't, it won't feel
good, it won't look good.

I'm convinced that will
end up in gay divorce,

which isn't even legal yet.

They only legalised gay marriage.

They forgot to
legalise gay divorce.

I don't even know
what that looks like.

So I met one of the
five Democrats in town.

And he comes up to me yesterday

and he goes, "Mike, Mike,
we got to do something

"about the millennials.

"They're, they're not gonna
vote, they're not voting.

"What are we gonna do
about the millennials?"

And I said, "Well, nothing.

"We already did something,
we raised them."

That was a lot.

We raised this generation,
my generation did, right?

We raised you, those of you
who are millennials in here.

And you turned out, I
think, pretty good.

I think your generation is, yes.

You're smart.

You come over and change
the ink cartridges

for us in our printers.

When we can't get our device
to work, we call you up

and you explain to us
how to turn it off,

then turn it back on,

and it magically works
again every time.

And you're not haters.

This is a generation
of non-haters.

Have you noticed that?

I mean really the majority,

the majority of 18 to 35 year olds

are, you know, they
don't hate people

because of their skin colour,

or because they're in love

with someone of their same gender.

I don't see it and it
makes me feel really good

that we did something right.

So I said to this guy, I
said, "Really, I don't,

"I don't think it's on us
to do something about them.

"Because they didn't
create climate change,

"they didn't send
the troops to Iraq.

"You know, millennials
didn't cause

"the Wall Street collapse.

"Why is it on them to fix our

"shitty situation that
we've handed them?"

I mean seriously.

I mean.

I mean, there's something
about when you're that age

and you're rebellious, and
I want you to be that way.

I don't want you compromising.

You got plenty of time in the
real world to compromise.

The rest of your life

you'll have plenty of
time to compromise

and be in some shitty job
that you can't stand,

you know, to be in some
loveless marriage,

why be that way at 19?

Just don't compromise,

but also understand too,

that sometimes,

sometimes we have to take
some medicine to get better.

And taking medicine isn't
really a compromise,

it's a smart thing to do.

So you'll know what to do.

It's not the kids
I'm worried about.

The kids are alright.

It's the angry white guy.

His days are numbered.

Total number of white guys

over the age of 35 now in
the United States, 19%.

That's all we are guys.

Hey.

Hey.

What, they're cheering our demise,

our extinction.

That's what's going on
here, you know that right?

We know it, we guys know it.

We know it's over for us.

We had a good run, 10,000
years wasn't bad, right guys?

Right?

And now here we are
in the 21st century.

For the first time ever,

there are now more single
women than married women,

you aware of this?

Yes, see that guys?

Yeah, because they don't need us.

They can be single now.

100 years ago, they
couldn't be single.

We had laws that wouldn't
allow them to own property,

or have a bank account,
or get divorced, right?

They couldn't sue in court.

There are all these laws.

Check this out, if
you don't know this.

There were a long list of
laws that prohibited women

from doing the basic things

that somebody should
be able to do.

But now they don't need us.

We used to be useful
for something, right?

Well we're needed to
keep the species going.

That was our most important job.

What else were we good for?

Getting something
off the top shelf.

Except now, they've invented
in vitro fertilisation,

and the portable
aluminium stepladder.

You don't need us.

You don't need us for
orgasms any more.

Guys, you know they don't
need us for that, right?

Somebody put out a book
like 30 years ago,

"Our Bodies, Ourselves,"
taught women things

that God knows they
shouldn't have been taught.

If Hillary wins, if
the women take over,

and because they don't need us,

so you know what this
is gonna lead to?

There are gonna be
internment camps for men.

And Hillary will have
all her you know,

Wellesley students there,
with her clipboards,

checking us in to the
internment camp.

They've got to pick out a few
to keep the species going.

Who are they going to pick?

The smart ones, and the
good-looking ones.

So all right,

already I'm looking at the
faces of the guys here.

They already know
they're in the camp.

We're all in line, we're
gonna be in line there,

"You in there in the camp, yes
you, keep going, you, you.

"Oh, you.

"Over here."

The guys will go, "Oh
just because he's got

"a good six pack for the abs?

"I was gonna start going
to the gym last month."

"Well, you should've fucking gone,

"because now you're
going to the camp.

"Don't worry, there's
gonna be lots of gyms

"in the guy camps."

And that's why they're so upset.

You've seen them at
the rallies, right?

These guys at the Trump
rallies, they're like,

It's the sound of
the dying dinosaur.

The signs are everywhere to them,

the women are taking over.

There's now more women that
go to college than men?

There's more women in
law school than men.

Whoa, no.

I predict anthropologists,
they will note the moment

it happened, when it was clear,

the men were on their way out

and the women were on their way in

and it was the Superbowl
this past year.

You know, it's the half-time show,

Coldplay is playing one
of their nice songs,

♪ Ooh, I love you,
I love, ooh, ooh ♪

And then Bruno Mars came on,

and then that sort of
confused a lot of guys

watching the half-time show.

"Ooh, what is this?"

And then all of a sudden,

right in the middle
of Bruno's song,

out comes Beyonce and 500
women in these uniforms,

with their fists clenched enraged,

and their shit-kicking boots
on, taking the field.

No, it was like, oh my,

wait that's our game,
what's she doing here?

That's where we're ending
up, and guys know it.

And that's why they're
at the Trump rallies.

That's why you hear that sound,

"Donald, save us."

"The women are coming."

"The women are,"

"Hillary is Genghis Khan."

"It's all over."

It doesn't feel good.

Eight years of a black president.

Okay, we got through that.

Now it's gonna be eight
years of a woman president?

No, no, no.

No, because, no, because you
know what happens after that?

It's gonna be eight
years of the gays.

We'll have a gay president.

No.

And you know what comes after
that, the transgenders.

Eight years of a transgender
in the White House,

you're not gonna know
which bathroom to use.

What's left after that?

After they've taken everything
from us white straight guys?

Oh, the animal rights people.

PETA will take over
the White House.

A fucking hamster is gonna
be running this country.

A little hamster in the
Oval Office on a wheel.

"Send in the next congressman"

And finally, mother nature.

There are now less boy
babies being born.

Mother nature has looked
at the situation,

has decided that men are
bad for the planet.

No woman has ever
built a smoke stack.

No woman has invented an
atomic or a hydrogen bomb.

And no women, no girls go into
schools and shoot them up.

Not a single one of
these school shootings

are girls, are they?

How can that be?

Think about that.

It's like, and it's not
just school shootings,

it's like women generally
don't shoot you.

Unless you deserve it.

I mean, usually,

when a woman shoots her
husband or her boyfriend,

some thought has gone into it.

That's actually true
with most crimes.

How many female
arsonists are there?

Or burglars?

Or rapists?

Or, I mean you go down the
whole list of crimes.

We're actually quite safe
from 51% of the population.

Right?

I mean it's like.

When you, when you
leave here tonight

and wander out onto the dark
streets of Wilmington, Ohio,

it's a rough town out there,
but you know, it's dark.

You're on a dark street, you're
just a little more aware.

What are you being aware of?

A woman gonna jump out of the
bushes and stab you to death?

Is a woman gonna mug you?

Whatever you're afraid of,
does not wear a dress.

Or a pantsuit.

Oh man, see but that's,

you must understand
the Trump voter.

These are legitimate concerns,
legitimate concerns.

And I think, you know,

we're laughing a lot
about this stuff,

and thank you Trump
voters for letting us

have a little bit of
laughter over this.

But I actually wrote
something today

while I was sitting here at
the official hotel of the,

of the Murphy Theatre,

the Holiday Inn Express.

And ah...

Can I read this to
you, do you mind if I,

I just wrote this, I just want to,

I want to read it to you.

Because I know a lot
of people in Michigan

that are planning
to vote for Trump.

And, they're not,

they don't necessarily
like him that much,

and they don't necessarily
agree with him.

They're not racist
and rednecks and,

they're actually
pretty decent people.

And so I wanted to sort of,

after talking to a number of
them, I wanted to sort of,

I wanted to write this and,

Donald Trump came to the
Detroit Economic Club,

and stood there in front of
the Ford Motor executives

and said, "If you
close these factories

"as you're planning
to do in Detroit,

"and build them in Mexico,

"I'm going to put a 35%
tariff on those cars

"when you send them back, and
nobody is going to buy them."

It was an amazing thing to see.

No politician,
Republican or Democrat,

had ever said anything like
that to these executives.

And it was music to the ears

of people in Michigan, and
Ohio, and Pennsylvania,

and Wisconsin, the Brexit states.

You live here in Ohio, you
know what I'm talking about.

Whether Trump means it or not

is kind of irrelevant, because
he's saying the things

to people who are hurting.

And it's why every
beaten down, nameless,

forgotten working stiff,
who used to be part of

what was called the middle
class, loves Trump.

He is the human Molotov cocktail

that they've been waiting for.

The human hand grenade that
they can legally throw

into the system that stole
their lives from them.

And on November 8th, Election Day,

although they've lost their jobs,

although they've been
foreclosed on by the bank,

next came the divorce, and now
the wife and kids are gone,

the car's been repo'ed,

they haven't had a real
vacation in years,

they're stuck with the shitty
Obamacare bronze plan,

where you can't even get
a fucking Percocet,

they've essentially lost
everything they had,

except one thing.

The one thing that doesn't
cost them a cent,

and is guaranteed to them by
the American Constitution,

the right to vote.

They might be penniless,
they might be homeless,

they might be fucked
over and fucked up.

It doesn't matter, because
it's equalised on that day.

A millionaire has the
same number of votes

as the person without a job, one.

And there's more of the
former middle class

than there are in the
millionaire class.

So on November 8th,

the dispossessed will walk
into the voting booth,

be handed a ballot,
close the curtain,

and take that lever, or
felt pen, or touch screen,

and put a big fucking X in the box

by the name of the man who
has threatened to upend

and overturn the very system

that has ruined their lives,

Donald J. Trump.

They see that the elites who
ruined their lives hate Trump.

Corporate America hates Trump.

Wall Street hates Trump.

The career politicians hate Trump.

The media hates Trump,

after they loved him
and created him,

and now hate him, thank you media.

The enemy of my enemy is who I'm
voting for on November 8th.

Yes, on November
8th, you, Joe Blow,

Steve Blow, Bob Blow, Billy Blow,

Billy Bob Blow, all the Blows,

get to go and blow up

the whole goddamn system,
because it's your right.

Trump's election is going
to be the biggest fuck you

ever recorded in human history.

And it will feel

good.

For a day.

Maybe a week.

Possibly a month.

And then, like the Brits,

who wanted to send a message

so they voted to leave Europe

only to find out that if
you vote to leave Europe

you actually have to leave Europe.

And now they regret it.

All the Ohioans,
Pennsylvanians, Michiganders,

and Wisconsinites of
middle England, right?

They all voted to leave

and now they regret it

and over four million of
them have signed a petition

to have a Dover.

They want another election.

It ain't gonna happen

because you used the ballot

as an anger management tool.

And now you're fucked.

And the rest of Europe,
the rest of Europe,

they're like, "Bye Felicia."

So when the rightfully
angry people of Ohio,

and Michigan, and
Pennsylvania, and Wisconsin

find out after a few
months in office,

that President Trump
wasn't going to do

a damned thing for them,

it will be too late to
do anything about it.

But I get it.

You wanted to send a message.

You had righteous anger

and justifiable anger.

Well, message sent.

Goodnight America.

You've just elected the last
president of the United States.

Good evening, Terri Hardesty

reporting from our
nation's capital.

Donald J.Trump was sworn in today

as the 45th president
of the United States.

I, Donald J. Trump,

As some had predicted,

the shit show started
within minutes.

Before the parade,

President Trump ordered
an aerial bombardment

of all Mexican border towns.

The instatement of stop
and frisk checkpoints

at all US inner cities,

and the deportation of Rosie
O'Donnell to American Samoa,

to which Trump replied, "Hey,
it's not really a deportation,

we own the damn fat farm
for Christ's sakes."

The inaugural parade
finally got underway,

but only after President
Trump insisted on

flying over the parade route
in his Trump helicopter

once he learned that he was
expected to get out of his limo

and walk to the White House.

Upon arriving, the
president walked inside

the 200 year old structure,
took a brief look around,

and we have this exclusively,

a recording made by a White
House maid on her cell phone.

In other news, by day's end,

20 million Americans who
say they voted for Trump

had signed an online petition,

asking for a Dover election.

Finally, this will be
our last broadcast

as the new Trump channel run by

Roger Ailes and Breitbart News,

will be taking over this network

and featuring all reality,
all day, every day.

Trump himself will be hosting

The Real World 1600
Pennsylvania Avenue

and You're Fired, America,

a nightly show where
your job may be next.

I'm Terri Hardesty signing
off, good luck America.

Just wanted you to see what
it's going to look like.

So here's my question.

What is our problem with Hillary?

What's your problem?

What is your problem with Hillary?

You know, I got my problems.

I can, I'll tell you what
my problem is with her.

She voted for the Iraq war.

She's too cosy with Wall Street.

Those are big ones.

We don't really talk
about the issues, do we?

Whenever they talk about Hillary,

when anyone talks about
Hillary it's about

how you like her
or don't like her.

And the people that
don't like her,

and that's on the right and
the left, don't like her.

But what is this about
her being likeable?

You're not going to the voting
booth to vote for a friend.

"I want her to be my friend."

No, I don't want her
to be my friend.

I want her to,

I want them not to like
her up on Capitol Hill.

I want the people she's
negotiating with

not to like her.

You don't want
somebody all likeable.

"Sure, whatever you say."

"Okay, I'll sign here."

What else, what are the
other knocks on Hillary?

Not trustworthy, right?

We hear that a lot,
she's not trustworthy.

How did she prove her
distrust-worthiness to you?

Did she, did she promise
to water the plants

for you while you were
gone, and then didn't?

Now we're talking
about differences,

you say well she
flip-flops or whatever,

well everybody changes,
everybody evolves,

I hope they do, right?

We want our Trump voter
friends in here tonight,

we're asking them to maybe change.

If you just stay in cement, it's
like okay so she's learned.

She was against, she
fought gay marriage

and then she was for it.

Well I'd rather that, than
staying against gay marriage.

I don't think that's a bad thing.

She said her Iraq
War vote was wrong.

She's never done anything
more wrong than that.

Okay it's not exactly I'm sorry,

but that pretty, okay she's a
politician, I accept that.

What else, what else?

What are the other
knocks on Hillary?

Benghazi.

Okay Benghazi, yes.

She got up in the
middle of the night

and personally planned, with ISIS

which she and Obama created,

according to Trump,
they invented ISIS,

and they planned this attack

to kill our people there at
the Consulate in Benghazi.

She was cleared six times.

Oh she's been cleared of
the charges six times.

That's not enough.

You have to be, if
you're Hillary Clinton

you have to be
cleared eight times.

The Clinton Foundation.

Oh the Clinton Foundation.

Well thank God there's
a Clinton Foundation,

look at all the good they've done.

You know?

I mean,

and if what they say is true,

and so they get to have
a meeting with Hillary,

and what's their meeting,
she's still Hillary Clinton.

It's not like they get
to go in there and say

"I need you to bomb,

"I need you to,

"I need you to bomb Yemen."

"Okay, how much did you give
the Clinton Foundation?"

"I gave the Clinton Foundation
$50 million dollars."

"Call in the air strikes."

That's not what's going on.

Generally, what the
Obama administration

state department has
done, not everything,

has been good for the world.

The world likes us a
little bit better

than when George W. Bush was
in the White House, right?

So.

But what else?

Remember I'm not a Hillary
voter, so what else, what else?

Huh?

She forgot to tell
us she was sick.

Yes, that one.

It was pneumonia.

She wouldn't tell us
she had pneumonia.

And I want to say
something about that.

I just feel bad

that she didn't tell the
truth about her pneumonia.

And what I feel bad about
is not her being a liar,

but that she has got
to a point in her life

where she can't even trust us.

If she had just said

"I've got pneumonia and I've
got to take the weekend off."

What would the response have been?

It would have been,
"It takes a village."

Right?

What she taught us.

She can't quite trust that

about the United
States of America.

That's a sad commentary on us.

That's not really on her.

Can't we start saying
something nice about her?

You know, even the Trump
people in here, you know?

Or conservative people,
Bernie people,

can't you say something
nice about Hillary Clinton?

Isn't this they way
we were raised?

Didn't your grandmother
tell you like she told me

"You can say something
nice about everybody

except Hitler and Matt Lauer."

Just to prove it to
you, I will start off,

I'll start off by
saying something nice.

I'll say three things nice
about George W. Bush.

Just to prove, just to
prove this can be done,

all right?

Number one,

I think he did a good job
raising those two daughters.

They seem like very fine women,
they seem to love their dad.

Number two, Bono.

Bono credits Bush with
breaking the log jam

and getting funds for
AIDS relief in Africa,

that Bush put a whole
bunch of money

into Africa for AIDS relief.

And number three,

he loves his dogs.

Yes, that's number three.

He loved Barney, Barney loved him.

He was so good with those dogs.

Okay, there's three
nice things about Bush.

I've said them.

So, to say something
nice about Hillary.

We're gonna start with a man.

I filmed this seventeen years ago,

I had a show called
The Awful Truth

on the Bravo network.

And, thank you.

It was during the
Lewinsky scandal,

and Clinton was being impeached,

there was a lot of speculation
that she might leave him.

And we had this idea on the show,

that let's go out and try
and find her a date.

She deserves a date
with a nice guy.

If we have that ready in the
booth, can we show them?

This is 1998.

We're doing an interview

about Hillary Clinton
being single.

- Oh really?
- Yeah, what do you think?

Well I think that
Hillary Clinton's

a hell of a good woman and
I hope she's not single

in a year and a half, I
hope they stay together

and I think they will.

I think she's very committed,

and I think he's very committed.

You think that she's not
gonna be out having a,

you don't wanna date
her when she's single?

No, I think that she's very happy.

I hope she's very happy
with her husband.

And I think she understands her
husband better than anybody,

and I think she'll be just fine.

So wow, okay.

Okay?

So no dating advice?

I don't wanna give her
any dating advice.

She's gonna be married
to our current president

for a long time.

- Alright, Donald.
- I hope.

Thanks a lot.

I'll tell her you're
not interested.

Tell her.

Have a good time.

Bye.

Well, I just left Michael
and he's a good man.

He's a good man, he's
done a good job.

Yeah, okay, thanks.

- Okay, have a good time.
- Bye.

See?

See, he said something nice
about Hillary, and me.

Right, so if he can
do it, you can do it.

Anybody, just raise your hand.

Yes, go ahead.

She's overqualified.

Is that a nice thing?

Usually I'm, I used
to be told that

when I didn't get the job.

Right down here in the
centre, yes, sir.

She's super smart.

She's super smart.

Over here.

Hillary actually knows
where Aleppo is.

Hillary knows where Aleppo is.

There you go.

Do we have anybody,
anybody from the

I don't like Hillary camp

that can say something
nice about her.

Yes sir, in the red.

She's what?

She stood by her man?

Yeah.

How about the Mexicans up there?

True, that's very true.

Let's check in with our Muslims.

How are they doing up there?

Okay, we'll have
to get that fixed.

So anybody else?

Come on.

Right down here in
the front row, yes.

I think she's every single thing

we say we want our
daughters to be.

She's smart, she works
hard, she's independent,

and she doesn't take
any shit from anybody.

Wow, that was, that
was beautifully put.

Alright, right behind, yes.

Sir, right back there.

I like her ads, she really
has fought for our,

You like her ass?

Ad. Commercial.

Her ads, oh, her ads.

She really has

fought for opportunity for
kids for her entire life.

Yes, that's very nice.

Alright let me say something
nice about Hillary.

I'm glad she killed Vince Foster.

That's another knock on her,
she killed Vince Foster.

White House Deputy Counsel,

the Clintons had been
in there six months,

all of a sudden, a Sunday
morning he's found dead

in his car in a park
on the Potomac River,

bullet hole in the head and
a suicide note in his hand.

And ever since that, how long?

Right, those of us,
you're a little older?

Right, how long have we had
to listen to this, since 1993

that Hillary killed Vince Foster?

I hope she did.

Because that's badass, man.

How'd she do that?

She must have jacked
his car at like

eight in the morning on a
Sunday before going to church,

shot him, written
that suicide note

like a Jon Benet type note,
put that it in his hand,

went back to the White
House for breakfast.

Bill had no idea.

Go on the Internet
tonight and type in,

Hillary and murderer into Google

and see what comes up, seriously.

She has killed 46 people.

46 people.

With her own bare hands.

Ladies and gentlemen,

this is who I want for
commander-in-chief.

Somebody who's not
afraid to kill somebody.

We haven't had somebody
in the Oval Office

who has killed somebody
since Ulysses S. Grant.

ISIS is going to shit

if she's president.

And you know what the
jihadist rule is,

it's not martyrdom if
you're killed by a woman.

If a girl kills you, you
don't go to paradise,

you don't get the 72 virgins,

it's like you're in a permanent
high school cafeteria table

all alone with the rest of
the cafeteria mocking you

cause a girl killed you.

Listen you don't want the
70-year old out of shape guy

who's had nannies and
servants his whole life.

You want somebody who, in
the middle of the night,

as commander-in-chief, will
parachute in with Delta Force

and slit the throats of
two-dozen terrorists

in their sleep.

Yeah.

I got a surprise for you tonight.

Someone from the Trump campaign

has leaked us a copy
of their new ad.

The diseases, she's had them all,

pneumonia, hypothyroidism,
allergies, yeast infection,

urinary tract discomfort,
pregnancy, childbirth,

time-of-month disorder,
bleeding from wherever disease,

and menopause.

Do you want a commander-in-chief

whose lady parts are
out of control?

Or do you want a fit, buff leader

who will be the healthiest
president ever?

Ever?

Even healthier than
Teddy Roosevelt,

and he was shot in the chest.

Yes, there's only one
candidate this year

healthy enough to spawn an
entire new breed of humans.

Vote Trump, he never gets sick.

Well I could stand in the
middle of 5th Avenue

and shoot somebody, and I
wouldn't lose any voters, okay?

Now that's sick.

I'm Donald Trump, and I
so approve this message.

Effective.

I think he's gonna do really well.

I want to tell you a little story.

When I wrote my
first book in 1996,

it was called Downsize This

And there was a chapter
in there called

My Forbidden Love For Hillary.

And so you've probably seen these

different photographs

behind me on the
stage here tonight.

I was just really upset with
the way she was being treated

when she was First Lady.

I mean she was being knocked
and criticised all the time,

she was being made fun of.

How she looked, how she dressed.

And, and also for being
the co-president.

Right?

Because, remember when
she said that they were,

she was being criticised
during the campaign

when Bill first ran and she said,

"Look I'm not some little
lady gonna be in the kitchen

"baking cookies and hosting teas."

Attacks on her started then,

and she was the butt of jokes
of late night comedians.

I remember there was one,

one joke was,

"Hey have you heard about the
new Hillary combo at KFC?

"It's got two large thighs,
two small breasts,

"and two left wings."

And I thought about it for
a minute, and I thought,

well, it sounds pretty good to me.

No but I just,

I thought she was beautiful.

I thought she was smart.

I thought she was a nice person.

I didn't understand what this was.

And so I wrote this chapter called

My Forbidden Love For Hillary.

And I got invited to a
White House dinner.

And to give you some context for
this, the dinner took place

the night before Clinton's
impeachment, okay?

So what a night to
be there, right?

He didn't look good...

Do we have the picture of
me at the White house?

There I am, there I am.

Hey, I clean up okay, right?

You go through this reception
line before the dinner,

and you walk into the East Room,

and there's a Marine guard
there who announces you,

and so there's like 100 people
going through the line.

So I'm standing there,

and you're told

"You get five seconds, then
you gotta keep moving.

"Shake their hands, say
something nice, move on."

And the marine goes, "Mr.
President and Madame First Lady,

"Michael Moore?"

So I walked in there,

and Bill grabs my
hand, and he goes,

"Oh Michael Moore, I
just, I love you.

"I love your number one fan,

"I love, I love your
show TV Nation.

"I remember that one
episode you did,

"where you went to Idaho, and
you went to that Klan rally,

"oh that was just,"

And I'm thinking, "What?"

Like these Clintons are good, man,

there's 100 people here

and he's got a story
for every one of them.

He's referencing an
obscure episode,

on a Friday night show on NBC,

of mine.

And he's like,

it's like he knows,

and he's accurately
describing the episode.

And I'm thinking, man.

"And I just I love Roger and Me,

"You're just, I'm
your number one fan."

And at that moment,
Hillary grabs my hand,

takes it out of his
hand, and says to him,

"No you're not, I'm
his number one fan."

And then she just,

And she goes, "I just want to say,

"what you wrote about
me in your book.

"I'm just, it was so wonderful,

"and that first line in the book."

And my face was
turning red, right?

And, because the first
line in the chapter of

My Forbidden Love For Hillary,

where I have all
these photos of her,

the first line was,

"Hillary Clinton, she's one hot
shit-kicking feminist babe."

"I just, I love everything.

"And when you talked about me
on The Today Show, that just,"

And now at this point, I had
been there for too long.

Her aide is like stepping in,

because she thinks I'm
holding the line up,

but it's Hillary that
won't let me go.

And Hillary sees the aide coming,

and she goes like
this, "Shoo, shoo."

And I said, "Well I just,
listen, I just think,

"I'm so sorry you're
going through all this

"with you know, but
you're a good person.

"And you seem like a good mum.

"And you should run for Senate."

And now, I could not, I
went through all the files

trying to find this picture
of her holding my hand,

but there is a picture
that was snapped

just as I walked away.

Okay, check this,

alright, look at
this, look at this.

That's right, that's the truth.

This is all true, look at that.

One of them is really happy,
and one of them is not.

And that's when she took me
up to the Lincoln Bedroom...

No, no, no, nothing
happened, nothing happened.

I'm just saying though, it was
a very special moment for me,

because I just felt you
know, she had been,

it was, her treatment
was just awful.

If you're young, you
don't know this.

If you weren't alive
then, you don't know it.

But people that were alive then,

you know what I'm saying, right?

I'm not making this up, I'm
not exaggerating it, am I?

You know, and the knock
on her was just awful.

Last year, I was shooting my, a
movie, "Where To Invade Next,"

and we went to this
country, Estonia.

I wanted to go there because
I was trying to show

in different countries, what
they do better than us,

and what can we learn from them?

And so, I went to Estonia
because they are,

the World Health Organisation says

that you have the least
chance as a woman,

dying in childbirth in Estonia,

than in any other
country on the planet.

If you live in Cleveland,

you have a three times greater
chance of dying in childbirth

than you do in Estonia.

And so they took me to
the maternity ward,

and they had the head doctor
of the maternity ward,

and he's showing me around,

and he's telling me why
they're so good at this.

We're walking down this hallway,

and there's a picture on the wall.

And I stopped him, and I
said, "Wait a minute.

"I know the person in that photo."

That's me and the doctor
there in the hallway.

Can we just punch in a
little bit on this here.

It's Hillary Clinton,
shaking this guy's hand.

I said, "Where did this happen?"

He said, "It happened right
where you're standing."

I said "Oh my God, who's the guy?"

"That is me, twenty years ago."

I said "Oh my God.

"Okay, so what was she
doing in Estonia?"

"Well, don't you remember?

"She wanted you to have
universal healthcare.

"So she was studying.

"She went around the
world to study it.

"And she came to little Estonia

"for the same reason
you're here tonight.

"To find out why so many more
women survive childbirth here

"than in the United States."

And I said, "Oh my God,
wow, she came here?"

"Yes, and then she went back,

"and you didn't listen to her.

"Instead, you humiliated
her, and attacked her.

"And you've gone twenty years now

"without universal healthcare.

"And we've had it."

I said, "I made
this movie, Sicko."

and while making the
movie I learned that

according to the
congressional budget office,

nearly 50,000 Americans
die each year

for one simple reason.

They don't have health insurance

or they don't have
adequate health insurance.

In other words, not
because of the disease,

not because of the
germs in the hospital,

but because they didn't
have health insurance

they put off going to the doctor,

or they had crappy
health insurance

and the doctor couldn't
send them to the specialist

that he wanted to send them to.

So they died.

They died only because
they were Americans.

If they lived across
the river from Detroit

in Windsor, Canada
they'd be alive.

But because they were
American, they died.

50,000 a year.

And I sat there and I started
doing the maths of this.

Like, 20 years,
50,000 people dead.

Holy shit.

It's like a million people.

That's a million of our
fellow Americans dead

because they didn't
have health insurance.

If they'd been Canadian
or French or Scottish,

or Chilean,

or just about anywhere
else in the world,

they would have lived.

Every 9/11, we have sombre
vigils and memorials

for the 3,000 Americans
who died in that attack,

as we should.

3000.

I still tear up over it.

One of my producers was
on the plane from Boston

that went in the North Tower.

We shed no tears for
the million Americans

who have died from
that act of terrorism.

One million dead Americans

because we refused to
listen to Hillary Clinton.

Who are we?

And what is terrorism?

We don't think for one second

about the one million
dead Americans killed

by a system run by greed.

Greed of the insurance companies.

One million dead.

One million dead.

It's wrong, it's just wrong.

One million of our
fellow Americans.

Where are the tears for them?

Where are their names
on a marble wall?

I saw some of you standing.

I know why the response to that,

cause we all know
somebody, don't we?

We all have a family
member, a neighbour,

somebody we went to school
with, somebody at work,

somebody down the street,
somebody we heard about.

They put off going to the doctor.

Or they went but they didn't
have enough health insurance.

And even with Obamacare

we still have almost
thirty million

with no health insurance.

These are our fellow Americans.

And yet Hillary was attacked,

she was humiliated.

You remember this,
when this happened?

People in Congress were
like "Get rid of her.

"She's not the President.

"Nobody elected you."

And it went down to defeat.

And it never got brought
up again did it,

until Obama started
bringing it up.

Never got brought up again.

And they forced her to
change into someone else.

She was told to shut up.

And she started baking the
cookies and hosting the teas.

I don't know,
something's wrong here.

In a way we have a chance
to redeem ourselves,

don't we, for this.

It's possible, I don't know.

You know when you've
got the Pope saying

that what you're doing is a sin,

that it's a sin not to help
someone when they're sick,

and not have them worry about
how much it cost them,

because in the Bible
it says, right?

I mean Jesus laid it out,

I know you're not here
for a religion lesson,

but if you believe in that,

he lays it out pretty
clearly right?

But this new Pope he gets it.

What's the deal with him?

Whoa,

right?

I mean, he was,

he's like, he's like, I got
a theory about him too

because he was in
Buenos Aires, right?

During the time of the Junta,

during the time of
the generals, right?

When all those people were
killed, he was the guy.

He was the guy for the
Catholic Church there,

what did he do?

What did he say?

I don't remember anything.

I remember on the day
he was elected pope,

I remember thinking,
"Oh, this is not good."

And then within a
month, he's like,

"Okay, atheists go to heaven."

Atheists go to heaven?

He said if he could
personally apologise

to every gay and lesbian,

for the harm caused to them
by the Catholic Church,

he would like to do that.

Wow.

Then he said capitalism is a sin.

Whoa.

Oh.

When he said that I
thought, oh my God.

I, actually I don't know
if you remember this,

I volunteered publicly to be

his soup taste tester, you know?

Like they're gonna kill
this guy for sure now.

He said, "When you die,
your pets will be in heaven

"there to greet you."

Aww, aww.

No this guy, right?

How did he get the job?

He must have kept quiet
all those years.

But he's thinking, he's planning.

He gets all these other cardinals

to think he's some
conservative asshole

from some South
American dictatorship.

Then they vote him in, and
they're like, "Whoa."

They don't know what to do.

But he bided his time,
he bided his time.

And I've had this crazy
feeling lately, and I know,

I'm sorry to lay too much
optimism on you here tonight,

what if, what if Hillary
becomes our Pope Francis?

What if she has her
Pope Frank moment?

What if all this time, right?

This has been part
of her long game?

Like she's had this ambition
since she was a teenager.

When she was in college she
gave the graduation speech.

If you read her speech, it
reads like Bernie wrote it.

This is actually her
voice at the age of 22

giving her graduation speech.

Listen to this.

The struggle for
an integrated life

existing in an atmosphere of
communal trust and respect

is one with desperately important

political and social consequences.

And the word
consequences, of course,

catapults us into the future.

One of the most tragic things
that happened yesterday,

a beautiful day, was that
I was talking to a woman

who said she wouldn't
want to be me

for anything in the world.

She wouldn't want to live today

and look ahead to what it is she
sees, because she's afraid.

Fear is always with us, but we
just don't have time for it.

Not now.

Fear.

It's like the women of
Hillary's generation

were the first feminists
of the modern era.

They were raised by women.

Their mothers and grandmothers

had to go to work
during World War II

because the men were gone.

It was the first time
women were able to

leave the house and have a job.

And they worked in factories,
they worked in the office,

they ran the country.

They did all the work.

And then after the
war, the men came home

and they told the women to
go back to the kitchen,

and they did, most of them.

But they didn't,

they didn't leave or
forget what it was like

to have that freedom to
earn their own money.

The women of that World
War II generation

raised that next generation.

That's Hillary's generation.

There's women in here
tonight of that generation,

of my generation even.

You know what it was
like back then.

Younger people in here, I
gotta tell you something.

It was not pleasant

to stand up for what
you believed in.

It was not easy

to say, "I want it
to be this way."

The harassment that they suffered,

the abuse that they took
at work, at school,

if they decided to stand up

they were sure to be alone,

other than a few other women,

young girls that were with them.

Hillary went through
this whole thing.

She went through the same thing.

I'm seeing some women
nod their heads,

you know what I'm talking about.

You know, getting pinched
on the ass everyday

was a common occurrence.

You could say all kinds
of shit to women.

You could threaten them.

There was no such thing as

battered spousal abuse, whatever.

There was not a word for it.

And the shit that Hillary took

as a young woman,

marrying Bill Clinton,
going to Arkansas.

She decided that she was
going to have her own job.

She was going to work for
the Legal Aid Society

helping poor people
with free legal help.

And people in Arkansas
were like, "What's this?"

He lost his election,

according to the
pundits in Arkansas,

because she refused to
change her last name to his.

She was known as Hillary Rodham,

and all the papers,
everybody said,

"Well you know, this is Arkansas."

And so to help him out
in the next election

she changed her name

to Hillary Rodham Clinton.

And to help him out further
on, she dropped the Rodham.

She was willing to subjugate
and submerge herself

to help him do this, and
to take the shit for it.

I have a theory about this,

I don't think she's
forgotten one bit of this.

I don't think she's
forgotten one single inch

of this abuse from the time
she was in high school,

all the way up until 10
o'clock this morning.

I think it's all there.

And I think that she's
been biding her time.

My hope, my optimism for this,

Hillary, if you're
watching this right now,

I have a feeling
somebody is going to

slip you a tape of this.

I just want to tell you something.

I know you've been
waiting, and waiting,

and waiting, and waiting.

But you're not alone.

A whole bunch of the rest
of us have been waiting

for that glorious moment
when the other gender,

the majority gender, has a
chance to run this world,

to have real power, and
kick some righteous ass.

And we are counting
on you to do this,

right?

I wanna see what that world
looks like, don't you?

Where she's just gonna
go in there and says,

"Enough of the bullshit."

Inauguration Day, after
all the inaugural balls,

they pull up to the White
House, her and Bill to go in.

She says, "No Bill,
no, no, no, no.

"You're staying at Blair House.

"I'm gonna go in here
and run the country

"the way it should've been run."

And then she goes in there
and she just starts signing

one Executive Order after another.

Her first 100 days, right?

Like FDR,

like doesn't need Congress,

just start signing
Executive Orders.

Immigrants, you stay.

Signed.

Flint, Michigan, new water
pipes for you, signed.

Food and Drug Administration,

high fructose corn
syrup banned, signed.

Prisons, release all non-violent
drug offenders now.

Signed.

Justice Department,
prosecute all police

who kill unarmed black
men now, signed.

Well that's my hope.

And after that, after she
signs these Executive Orders,

then she puts on those
shit-kicking boots

that Beyonce wore on
the football field,

and she goes up to Capitol
Hill, and she says,

"Okay, I'm here to
end the gridlock.

"No Kumbaya.

"Who's up for it?"

Because the average American
believes in fairness.

They believe women should
be paid the same as men.

They want to drink clean water,

they want to breathe clean air,

the majority of Americans do
believe in climate change.

And if these guys aren't
gonna do their job,

she'll make them do the job.

And she can be our Pope Francis,

maybe, right?

But here's what I, this
is, I want to say this

just to close out, because

I think that this
isn't gonna happen

if we leave her on her own again

the way we abandoned her back
during the healthcare days.

She's gonna need a
revolution behind her,

the Bernie revolution.

That's what Bernie
says, November 9th,

the day after the election, right?

It's our responsibility
to hold her to her word,

but also when she
does follow through

to be there to support
her, and get behind her.

And let me say this,
if for some reason

she goes back on her word,
she doesn't do these things,

and after two years of this,

she hasn't done what she
said she's gonna do,

I am here tonight in Wilmington,
Ohio to announce to you

my candidacy for president of
the United States in 2020.

I will run.

I will run.

I know Kanye has already
said he's gonna run,

I'll run with Kanye and
Kanye can run with me.

I will run for President
of the United States.

And ladies and gentlemen,
ladies and gentlemen,

let me tell you what
I'm going to do

if you elect me president in 2020.

Number one, there will be one
charge cord for all devices,

your phone, your tablet, your
computer, one charge cord.

If you elect me president,
free HBO for all Americans.

Yes.

I will save the US Postal Service

by having every postman
and mailwoman, on Friday,

deliver one gramme of
weed to your mailbox,

everybody, everybody.

For the weekend, two joints,

two joints for all
Americans every weekend.

It will be a better weekend.

When I'm president,

only women will be able
to buy and own guns.

I will bring down the murder rate

significantly with this plan.

In case we need to go to war,

the first people on the
ship over to the war

will be the offspring of the CEOs

and the members of Congress,
they will go first.

When I'm president, corporations
will not be people.

We're gonna have a new national
anthem, one we can sing,

and one that doesn't have
a racist third verse.

Our new national anthem will be

We Are the Champions of the World.

We're gonna have new enemies,

no more of this North
Korean and Iran shit.

Our new enemies will be
Monsanto and Wells Fargo.

And finally, during my four
years in the White House,

there will be free banana splits

for every American on
the Fourth of July,

sent to you from Wilmington, Ohio.

Everybody's gonna work,
everybody's gonna work here.

And let me tell you,

as we close,

I just want to say a
word again about Hillary

and you still don't like
her, you still hate her.

You don't wanna vote for her.

Let me just say this
to you very sincerely.

I'm gonna ask you to make a
sacrifice for your country.

And I'm not gonna ask
you to stop hating her.

If you want to hate her, just
keep hating her, all right?

I don't want to try and
convince you any more of this.

If you hate her, hate her.

I want you to get up on
Election Day on November 8th,

and I want you to
wake up out of your

Hillary nightmare dream.

I want you to get in the shower

and have a real hate
Hillary shower.

Suds yourself up,
rinse and repeat.

Then get in the car

and drive with all the
road rage you can.

"Oh, I hate Hillary.

"I hate her so much."

And I want you to
drive to the polls,

I want you to drive to the polls.

Get out of the car, walk in
there, go in the voting booth,

and you're gonna see
her name on the ballot

and you're gonna go,
"Mother fucking Hillary.

"No way."

But yes way, way because
America needs you.

You're gonna do this for
your country, all right?

Keep hating her, though.

Keep hating her all you want.

But just pick up that pen.

Pick up that pen.

You might need the other hand.

Hold it down, hold your arm,

"No, I can't I hate her."

Yes, I know.

"No, don't make me Mike, no.

"No, yes."

Do it.

Boom.

"Oh, I feel so awful.

"I voted for Hillary Clinton."

That's okay, feel
awful, you should.

Go home, keep hating all you want,

but you've done something
good for this country.

And on that night, at 11pm,

when the poll results come in

and we find out that we've elected

the first woman president
of the United States,

we are all gonna rejoice,
aren't we folks?

We are all gonna have a big party.

A big party.

And we're gonna celebrate.

We're gonna go and dig up Vince
Foster and kill him again.

Thank you everybody, good night.

Thank you, thank you.

Go vote.

Go vote, Ohio.

Trumpland.

Thank you everyone.

Mexicans up there,
don't forget to pay.

When you leave the wall, you
have to pay for that wall.