Michael (1996) - full transcript
Frank Quinlan and Huey Driscoll, two reporters from a Chicago-based tabloid, along with Dorothy Winters, an 'angel expert', are asked to travel to rural Iowa to investigate a claim from an old woman that she shares her house with a real, live archangel named Michael. Upon arrival, they see that her claims are true - but Michael is not what they expected: he smokes, drinks beer, has a very active libido and has a rather colourful vocabulary. In fact, they would never believe it were it not for the two feathery wings protruding from his back. Michael agrees to travel to Chicago with the threesome, but what they don't realise is that the journey they are about to undertake will change their lives forever.
Good night now.
Good night.
Right here is fine.
Think this is
bleak enough?
My ears are frozen,
my feet are frozen.
This is as far
as it goes.
Malt's not going
to like this.
What's he not
going to like?
He'll find something
not to like.
Besides us, you mean?
Yes, besides us.
Huey...
You sit in the sled.
Santa, Sparky, presents...
Reindeer...
Fake snow...
What are we missing?
Children.
Oh, yeah.
Let them out!
Let them out!
Now what do I do?
You know what to do.
When they
handed out the parts,
you got the heart.
That's right,
I got the heart.
You got the brain.
Is that what
you're saying?
I'm saying that
between the two of us,
you've got the heart.
I'm saying that together,
we make a person.
It's Santa!
It's Sparky!
What is this,
Craddock, a joke?
No.
Who was in charge here?
Me. I was.
That's right,
Mr. Malt.
This was Quinlan's baby.
Quinlan...
Let me ask you
a question.
You was a big-shot
investigative reporter
for the Chicago Tribune.
Won some prizes.
Give him a biscuit.
Now, what do these
look like to you?
They're Indians
dressed up as Eskimos.
Indians, Eskimos...
What's the difference?
That's what we thought.
Shut up, Driscoll.
You know the only prize
I ever got, Quinlan?
It's out there
on the walls.
I got 4 and a half
million people
who buy the National Mirror
every week.
Do you know how
many of those
4 and a half million readers
are Indians or Eskimos
or Eskimo-Indians?
I told him.
American children.
Americans want to see
pictures of Americans.
They are Americans.
Americans!
Is that too much to ask
for Christmas?
No, sir, and I will
get someone right on it.
Aw, did you
do that again?
If you don't teach
that dog some manners soon,
somebody else
is going to have to,
won't they, hmm?
How long were you in
Elizabeth Taylor's pool,
ma'am?
Reincarnation.
Miss Uffler speaking.
Were you on the bed
when it levitated?
So you're saying
he's living in
your refrigerator?
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
You know what?
Can I put you on
hold for a second?
I'm going to go
to my desk and take
this call there.
Yes. Now,
don't let him out.
Okay. Hold on.
Oh.
Oh, no, no, no.
Here's something
interesting.
Ay yi yi.
Malt sent you
for the tree this year,
didn't he? I forgot.
I found it in Montana.
Now, the second
I see this tree,
I know that it's too big
to fit on the truck.
Then I think,
what if someone else
sees the same tree
while I'm out trying
to find something
that will fit
on the truck?
Then Malt...
Gets the second
biggest Christmas tree
in America,
and I'm screwed.
Yeah, well,
that's good thinking.
So I cut the top off.
You did that?
How was I supposed to
know it was going to be
such a major problem
to put the top part
of the tree
back on the bottom?
He is never going
to fire you, Huey.
Look at the walls.
Look, look at the walls.
He's got
millions of dollars
tied up in that dog,
and the dog
belongs to you.
Hold on to that dog,
Huey.
What?
Driscoll?
Driscoll!
Driscoll!
Come in here!
We're going
together, Sparky.
"Dear, Mr. Quinlan,
I'm a great admirer
of your... Prose
"and can tell you have
a sensitive nature.
"I have had an angel
named... Michael...
"Living with me
for almost 6 months now.
"He's extremely polite.
"I have enclosed
a photograph to prove to you
"that I have not
lost my wits.
"I know that you and Sparky
travel all over
"reporting on your stories.
"That one about the coconut
with the wedding ring inside
"was very, very nice,
"and I think you should
visit Iowa...
"And see us for yourself.
"Sincerely,
Pansy Milbank."
Mmm-hmm.
Yeah.
Did your mother
drop you?
What was going on
in that pea brain
that lets you take
this superb creation
of the Lord almighty
and chop it in half?
Whatever I'm paying you,
it's too much!
How much
does Fred make?
What, the janitor?
Oh, Mr. Malt,
I cannot survive
on a janitor's
salary--
Kill the dog.
Quinlan, did someone
invite you to this meeting?
Take him outside
and let him go
on the highway.
Wait a minute--
What kind of person are you?
Who is this?
This is
Miss Dorothy Winters.
She works here.
I do?
I got the job?
Yes!
You won't regret this,
Mr. Malt.
Do you know
what that is?
That is an angel.
That is
a genuine angel.
Huey discovered it.
Is this for real?
Absolutely.
You're going to go
get me this angel.
That's exactly
what we're going to do.
We'll put it on
the front page, bold.
- Some white fluffy clouds...
- There you go.
A drift of sky...
You got it.
- And some musical notes!
- Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah!
Poetry.
Don't play with me,
Quinlan.
You really are going to go
and fetch me this angel
for Christmas,
or... I fire
the two of you,
and I keep the dog.
Yeah?
Deal.
A little conference
with my colleague.
You cannot live
on Fred's salary.
You cannot.
That's a deal.
Don't you
worry about a thing,
Mr. Malt.
We'll leave
tomorrow.
We're taking
Sparky with us.
And you're taking
Miss Winters.
They are?
Why are we
taking her?
She's an expert.
In what?
Angels.
Miss Winters is
an expert in angels.
I have something
to tell you.
I won't be taking care
of you anymore.
Your parents will find
someone else and...
Stop looking at me like that.
I have this wonderful
new job.
The only problem is,
I have to pretend
to be an angel expert
for a few days
on this trip.
It'll be fine.
I'll be fine.
And so will you.
Good dogs.
Good dogs.
Have you ever
had an encounter
with an angel?
No. Yes.
Maybe.
Have you ever
met an angel?
Yeah, once.
I got a flat tire
on the side
of a deserted
country road.
There was
no food, no water,
108 degrees
temperature,
and a man
in a white robe
suddenly appeared
on the horizon
with a spare and a jack.
You're kidding.
Yes, I am.
Bradley used to tease.
Who is Bradley?
My ex-husband.
Oh, ho.
You better watch it,
Quinlan.
I think
we should start over.
You know, when something
isn't going well,
it's best just to start over.
I'll go first.
Okay.
Where'd you get Sparky?
Oh, no.
He comes up to Huey
in a parking lot
one day.
Huey was eating
a donut,
and he's trying
to kick the-- Trying
to kick him away.
You were trying
to kick the dog?
I wasn't trying
to kick him.
I was trying
to shoo him away
very gently.
When Malt
comes out the door,
he looks at the dog,
he stops dead
in his tracks.
It turns out
that Malt was
once a child
who had had a dog
just like that one.
Oh, that's so sweet.
Anyway, Malt's eyes
get all teary,
and he pours out
this story all about
his dog, Sparky,
which ended up
underneath a tractor tire!
Ha ha ha!
And you know
what Huey did?
Huey turns to Malt,
and he says,
"Mr. Malt,
that is amazing!
"This dog's name
is Sparky, too!"
Ha ha ha!
In no time at all,
the dog is famous.
He's got his own column.
He must've saved Huey's neck
a hundred times.
Milk Bottle Hotel.
Here, here, here!
Milk Bottle Hotel!
Looks like
your angel checked out.
Somebody's here.
Mrs. Milbank?
Mrs. Milbank,
I'm Frank Quinlan
from the National Mirror.
About your letter?
Um...
This is my associate
Mr. Hugh Driscoll.
How are you?
And this is
Dorothy Winters,
who is an expert
in... Various things.
And this is...
Sparky.
Oh! Oh!
Oh, you're just as handsome
as in the pictures!
Aww...
Oh, I think he's cold.
I wouldn't know
why not.
We better get him
inside. Oh...
Sparky, here you are.
Oh, ha ha!
Mmm. What's that
wonderful smell?
You must be baking.
Well, it was nice
of you to come.
Oh!
Mrs. Milbank?
Don't shake me,
Mr. Quinlan!
I'm contemplating
my death.
Are you
with the angel?
Do you see an angel?
I don't think I do.
Then how could I be
with him?
Well, we don't know exactly
how it works with angels.
"How it works"?
If he's in the room,
then you're with him.
If he's somewhere else,
then you're not.
And that's why we
can't see him now.
He's not here.
Are you impaired in some way
that I haven't noticed, Miss?
Miss Winters has
probably never heard
of an angel
living in a motel.
You think
I'm full of shit.
No, no,
nothing like that.
I don't judge
these things,
Mrs. Milbank.
It's not for me
to decide what's real
and what's not.
I've seen
too many things
myself.
We once heard
there was a werewolf
in South Jersey.
We went there.
To locate the werewolf.
Yeah. In that
particular case,
that person was...
Utterly convinced
that the werewolf was
in the room with us.
They could see it,
although Mr. Quinlan
and myself...
We couldn't see
the werewolf,
but that doesn't mean
it wasn't there.
Michael!
Michael? Are you
coming down, dear?
Yeah...
Be right down.
Just gotta find my smokes.
They're beside the bed,
next to my cortisone.
Did you find them?
He'll be down directly.
That smell is so familiar.
It's like something
from childhood.
Oh...
Michael, look
who's come to visit us.
It's Sparky.
How do you do?
You'll have
to excuse Michael.
He's not good
at suffering fools,
but he'll be better
in the morning.
It's freezing!
Whoa!
Where's the thermostat
in here?
Are we talking
about an angel here?
We can't be talking
about an angel.
There is no
such thing as an...
Such thing
as an angel.
That is definitely
the weirdest thing
I have ever seen.
It's like
some great big bird
made love to
that guy's mother.
Yes! And we...
We reap the benefits!
I'm set for life!
I mean, I could
even get a raise!
I... Thank you!
Thank you, Jesus!
What?
That is not an angel.
It is too!
It is not!
I will handle this.
Where has he been?
Meaning what?
Meaning if he were
a man with wings,
which is
the alternative here,
we would've heard
about him.
He didn't just show up
at his age with wings.
There would've been
a story about him
in the papers.
In the National Mirror.
Exactly.
"Baby Born with Wings."
Yeah, "Birdman of Iowa."
It is not angel
versus man with wings.
There are
other possibilities.
Like what?
It's fairly obvious,
isn't it?
He's a younger man.
She's an older woman.
He's after her money.
A gigolo with wings?
A gigolo!
What money is he after?
The Milk Bottle
Motel fortune?
You don't have
to have money
to have someone try
to take it away from you.
Lord! Oh, Lord.
Is it so hard
for you to imagine
that a man would be
after a woman's money?
Is this, uh...
Is this Britely
or Brinkley or whatever,
what's his name?
Bradley.
Is this Bradley we're
talking about here?
Actually, no. It's Myles.
Who's Myles?
My second husband.
Ah.
Myles was a wild man.
It only lasted
a week.
You left him?
No. He left me
in my Camaro.
Ah!
I see.
I'll bet he racked up $5,000
on your Visa bill,
too, didn't he?
Didn't he?
Oh, you just know
everything, don't you?
Angels don't smoke!
I'm going to sleep.
Good night.
Don't let
the bedbugs bite.
That is
a horrible expression.
It is not an expression.
Ooh, is that good?
Oh!
Ooh, you're so hungry.
Oh, boy!
Aw!
Good boy.
Oh, what a sweet doggy!
Oh!
How would you
like your eggs, Mr. Quinlan?
Oh, Sparky's look good.
Over easy!
You know, last night
we were discussing
your wings.
Would you mind
if I took a closer look?
Let them look
at your wings, Michael.
They're from
the National Mirror.
Thank you.
They're not bad.
Compared to what?
Well, I've...
I've seen birds.
Would you mind
if I touched...
Oh.
I'd rather you didn't.
Hey, well...
We'd just like...
Like to take a look
to see how you have
these things attached.
Why don't you pull
on your pecker
and see how
that's attached?
Watch your language, mister.
Pecker.
An angel
that says "pecker."
Language, gentlemen!
And how would you like
your eggs, miss?
Is there something
in the oven
The smells is
so delicious.
We are serving eggs
this morning,
and that's that.
Over easy
would be just fine.
Over easy!
I thought angels
were...
Cleaner.
She doesn't mean
to offend.
Yeah.
It's... It's...
Yeah.
Miss Winters is
an angel expert,
and she gets
kind of literal.
What she probably
wants to know is...
Can you fly?
I do not want to know
if he can fly.
I know he can't fly.
Only little angels can fly
because their wingspan...
Stop. Stop.
Says who?
I just thought...
- Halos?
- Yes.
Inner light?
Yes.
I'm not that kind
of angel.
What kind of angel
are you?
Michael is an archangel.
He battled Lucifer
and threw him out of heaven.
Revelation 12, verse seven.
Well, that was
a long time ago.
He smote a bank for me!
A bank?
I knew it. Money was
involved, wasn't it?
I should say so.
After Elmer died...
Who's Elmer?
My husband.
After he died,
they built the highway
and stole all my truckers.
And then the bank came
to take the Milk Bottle,
and I prayed for help
until God sent me Michael.
Well, she was persistent.
You came down
and smote the bank?
Eh, a branch.
First Iowa
Bank of Commerce.
It was lovely.
He walked into the manager's
office and said...
What was that you said?
Money-changer!
"Money-changer!
"I shall turneth
this earthly den
"into a parking lot!"
Come on, I'd say that?
I didn't say that.
They didn't believe us,
so Michael flattened it.
You did that?
Had to.
Into a parking lot?
Mmm.
Well, they said
it was a tornado.
This town doesn't really
need a parking lot,
but it's, uh, more, uh...
Mmm, cosmopolitan.
And what about
the money?
We never heard another
word about it, did we?
Nope.
You look like you must eat
a robust breakfast.
How would you
like your eggs?
Poached?
Uh, that's... Poached...
Poached is fine.
Poached.
"The lord is my shepherd.
"I shall not want.
"He maketh me to lie down
in green pastures.
"He leadeth me beside
the still waters..."
Look, she's...
She's happier
where she is, right?
Heaven?
She's happier
up there, right?
It isn't my area.
You hardly knew her.
She died
cooking us breakfast.
She died
making breakfast.
What is it that you keep
writing in that book?
Lyrics.
To what?
I write country-western songs.
It's my hobby.
"Earth to earth,
"ashes to ashes,
"and dust to dust.
"The lord bless
and keep you
"and give you peace."
Justine? It's Quinlan.
Put me straight through.
What you got?
Wings.
Real wings...
Don't play
with me, Quinlan.
This guy is
about six feet tall,
and his wingsreach from
his shoulders to his knees.
He's filthy, though.
We're gonna have
to clean him up
and put him in a white robe.
Get Craddock to dig up
some of those sandals.
You know, the ones
with those straps
that go up your legs.
It's too bad he's not
blond, though, right?
Angels is supposed
to be blond.
But Oprah, Barbara,
the Today Show, Hard Copy,
book the works.
Then let's...
Don't mess this one up.
I want that guy
on the first plane to Chicago.
Or does the birdman
fly himself?
I don't know
if he actually uses the wings,
but, God,
wouldn't that be a draw?
Oh...
Anyway, don't worry,
he's in safe hands.
Yeah, and I'm
the queen of England.
Don't fret, Malt.
"He's in safe hands."
In view of
this development,
should we call
the girl off?
No, no. Leave her
where she is.
I'm in a no-lose
situation.
Heya, Mike.
Michael.
Have you, um...
Have you ever seen
the world's biggest
ball of twine?
No.
Listen, we have
to get back...
I once saw the world's
biggest cannonball.
Mesopotamia.
I wonder if it's
still there.
Mesopotamia
isn't still there.
Ugh. Nothing lasts.
Listen, I have
to ask a favor.
Huey and I,
we're on a little bit
of a losing streak.
Quit.
We can't quit.
He's got a mortgage.
He's got three kids
in a soccer camp.
He's got a wife.
God knows he loves her,
but she's burning
a hole in his pocket.
And I...
Well...
Love to fight. Like me.
We'll drive.
Where?
Chicago. That's where you want
to go, isn't it?
Yes!
Yeah. I know.
That's why I wrote you.
You wrote? I thought...
Yeah. My idea.
Ah.
Why are we driving?
I mean,
why don't we fly?
I mean, all of us,
together, in a plane.
Ho! Hey!
It's safer,
much safer.
Nobody believes it,
but, statistically, it's true.
And the paper will pay.
Nope. We need time.
Time for what?
Smokes? Smokes? Ah.
Besides, I will get to see
the world's largest
ball of twine.
It's on the way.
Great. Great.
One condition.
You will owe me something.
Money. Yeah. I can't
quote a figure,
but there will be
plenty of money,
I promise you that,
once the world sees
pictures of these babies.
No.
You will owe me an apology.
An apology for what?
Oh, then, yeah, sure.
I apologize. Whatever.
Not now. When I say so.
And no pictures.
No pictures?
Are you kidding me?
Not until we get
to Chicago.
Deal?
Deal.
Mmm-hmm, mmm-hmm.
Hmm.
I like your coat
better.
It's yours.
The world's biggest
ball of twine
is less than two
hours from here.
I would like to see it
before the sun sets.
Michael, they are
going to exploit you.
You have to know that.
I'm going.
Well, I'm not,
for your sake.
Yes, you are,
or I'll have to tell them
the truth about you.
What?
I know why you're here,
and it has nothing
to do with angels.
How do you know?
I pay attention.
Also,
I would like you
to sing.
A song?
Of course.
Fine. I'll sing.
Now?
No.
When I tell you to.
In financial news,
hog futures are down
a quarter in Chicago
and selling down
an eighth in Sioux City.
"Hog futures."
What?
"Hog futures are
down a quarter."
Hey. What's
the opposite of white?
Black.
Wrong. Yolk.
What?
What is that,
like, an egg joke?
Hey, Michael,
when we stop to eat,
are you going
to put your coat back on?
Why?
Your wings, Michael.
People are going
to see your wings.
Are you afraid they'll
think less of you?
No.
Just they won't know
what to think, you know?
A lot of people aren't
as sophisticated
as me and Huey.
Oh.
You know, we don't
want any trouble.
We just want
to get to Chicago.
Mmm-hmm.
He's worried that
somebody will see you
and try to steal his story.
I am not worried.
Yes, you are worried.
Hey! Hey!
Look what pansy left us.
Car Bingo.
Oh. Dig the propaganda.
"The miles will fly,
"and your children won't cry
"if you play Car Bingo."
All right.
Everybody gets one.
Here we go.
Hand them out.
So, what do we do?
Here are the pencils.
Instead of writing
down a number,
you write down
what you see on your trip.
Yeah.
Okay.
Dog. One point for me.
Oh, no! That's not fair.
You've played this before.
It's not fair to me.
I'm driving.
Deal with it.
Bird on a wire.
Picket fence.
Policeman.
Where?
Ah, that was good.
Oh!
Oh. You gotta
learn to laugh.
It's the way to true love.
"The world's largest
ball of twine
"has a circumference
of 45 feet..."
What's the excuse?
Well, it's just going to
take a little longer
than we thought
because we have to stay
off the main highway.
Fly.
Well, he won't fly.
Why?
'Cause he can't fit
in coach seats.
His wings take
too much space.
Wanna pay first-class?
Drive.
"Eventually, it was
transported here.
"There is enough twine
"to stock 5,000
hardware stores..."
Battle.
We'll be there. Don't worry.
What can happen, you know?
Trust me. Nothing.
Michael?
Don't fret, Malt.
Quinlan!
Michael!
Michael!
What are you doing?
Battle!
Michael.
Michael.
Michael, you know
what that is?
Battle!
Michael. Don't.
Michael.
Michael.
I am completely happy.
Are you all right?
Ooh...
Can you feel your legs?
Whoo.
No injuries.
6,360 battles.
Can you sit up?
Of course I can sit up.
Ah. Now that...
That is my nature. Yes.
I am a grass roller,
but I'm doomed
to live in one place
and crave
the pleasures of another.
But don't you
feel sorry for me, no.
Why would we feel
sorry for you?
Because this is
my last blast.
26. That's all we get.
Thank you, Quinlan.
For what?
I think he's saying
there's no sex in heaven.
Is... Is that
what he's saying?
You know, uh,
it's really not polite
to talk about someone
in the third person
when that person is here.
I know. I'm very sorry.
Sparky!
What do you mean,
"Last blast"?
Only so many visits
allowed.
I'm going to miss
everything so much.
Ah!
Mmm!
Why are you here?
Why are you saying
it has anything
to do with me?
Hmm. The sun was
having an argument
with the north wind.
Who was smarter,
who was stronger.
The north wind
pointed out a man
walking down the street,
"I bet I can make
that man take off his coat,
and you can't."
"I'll take that bet,"
said the sun.
The north wind blew
and blew and blew,
and the more
that wind blew,
the tighter that man
held that coat
around himself.
And then the sun
came out and smiled,
and it became warmer.
The man took
off his coat.
What is that
supposed to mean?
Did you make
a bet about me?
Well, I had to get
back here somehow.
Hey, watch the wings
there, buddy.
That's not how
you eat a lemon.
How do you
eat a lemon?
You cut it in half.
Put salt on it.
That is how you
eat a lemon.
That's how you
eat a lemon.
Oh, is this
a rule?
Hey.
Hey to you, too.
Thank you.
Do you have pie?
Do you have pie?
No.
I'm a writer, too.
Oh, really?
What did you write?
Psalm 85.
It wasn't called
Psalm 85 when
I wrote it.
I had no idea
they were going to be
collected and numbered.
Mmm.
Yeah. Yeah.
It was right around
the time I invented
standing in line.
You invented
standing in line?
Mmm-hmm.
Before then everybody
just milled around.
It was a mess.
So one day I said,
"Why not make a line?"
A line for what?
To get in.
Why don't you ask him
what you want to know?
What do I
want to know?
He wants to know
why angels don't
solve big problems.
That is what
I want to know.
Why don't angels
solve big problems?
You can't change
the nature of the world.
What can you do?
Small miracles.
Only so many.
Some angels
aren't so smart.
They use them up
in stupid ways.
Like the parking
space angel?
I don't like to
criticize other angels.
I'll, uh, be with you
in a minute.
Yup.
This is how
you eat a lemon.
Hey.
Excuse me.
They want me.
Now, remember what
John and Paul said.
The apostles?
No. The Beatles.
All you need is love.
Hello, ladies.
Do you believe
in angels?
Absolutely.
Have you ever,
ever heard of an angel
that was interested in sex?
Of course not.
Angels do not
have sex.
But is there one?
And I suppose he
invented standing in line.
Sparky, I'm going
to take you for a walk.
Let's go.
Suzanne, what's going on?
Hey. Suzanne.
Follow me, ladies.
Follow me.
I invented the hole in
the coffee cup, you know.
When you get
coffee to go.
I was the first person
to rip that little
hole in the lid
so you could
drink it in the car.
Could've made
a fortune.
It's weird.
What?
She's an angel
expert, but...
What?
Battle!
Come on!
Ha! Ah! Ha!
For God's sake,
Michael.
Stop.
Hey. You.
Battle.
You'd better
believe it.
Over here!
It's caramels.
He smells like caramels.
It's cotton candy.
It's cookies.
He smells like cookies,
and the smell
gets stronger
when he's in heat.
Ha!
You're a great
fighter.
I certainly am.
- I'm cold.
- My head hurts.
You folks from
the National Mirror?
I got a two-headed
chicken in my yard,
if you're interested.
What are we
being held for?
Destruction of property,
assault, battery,
and disturbing the peace.
Magistrate
will be here
in the morning.
Your honor, I didn't
have anything
to do with this.
Good night.
Hey. Hey, hey.
We have a phone
call coming to us.
Hey.
Whoo, whoo, whoo.
Ralph got
thrown in jail,
but at least
he had the decency
to keep me out of it.
I don't want to
spend the night here.
I hate you.
What? You hate me?
Not you.
You hate me?
Not you.
The process
of elimination.
Who is Ralph?
Another husband
has popped up.
Maybe Sparky
can get us out.
Hey.
Sparky?
Go in the drawer
and get the key.
Sparky.
Go in the drawer
and get the key.
Dorothy can
make him do it.
Dorothy's
good with dogs.
I have noticed this.
Dogs don't talk.
They don't shave.
They don't run off
in your Camaro.
When you want them to take
a bath you just make
an appointment, you know?
Sit. Stay.
Roll over.
No.
Now.
What?
Apologize.
Say you're sorry.
To her?
Be serious.
Or I'm not going to...
Sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I didn't mean it. Okay?
Dorothy.
You cold?
Here. Take my blanket, okay?
I'm going to sleep.
Me, too.
All rise, all rise.
The court of Bickle County
is now in session.
The honorable Judge
Esther Newberg presiding.
Please rise.
Be seated.
Now.
You are charged with
disturbing the peace,
destruction of property--
$1,200 worth.
I know.
I spoke to Jenny.
Who's, uh, Jenny?
That's his wife. She told me
that sweet little painting
above the bar...
Uh, two moose
hunters in a canoe.
Smashed to smithereens.
That is so sad.
Yep.
Isn't this a
conflict of interest?
Did I say
you could speak?
I know someone who
can restore paintings.
I told Jenny,
"Stop crying.
I will take care of it."
Now, who can tell me
exactly what happened...
Last night?
I can.
Anyone else?
We were having dinner.
Not you.
If I may.
Put your hand down.
You. Please.
In chambers.
All rise, all rise.
The court of Bickle County,
Judge Esther Newberg
presiding, is now in recess.
Please rise.
Come on, sing!
Not you, not yet.
Just the guys.
Come on, fellas.
Bring it down.
- Hey! Wait a minute.
- Wait, wait.
Meadsboro, one mile.
So?
So that's where
the world's largest
non-stick frying pan is.
Oh, no, Michael.
We are not stopping
to see the world's
largest non-stick frying pan.
Why not?
Because we have
to get back.
Well, me too,
but before that happens,
I would like to see
the world's largest
non-stick frying pan.
It is on the way.
Every time we
stop somewhere,
he gets us in trouble.
Yes, but he also
gets us out of trouble.
Huey!
What?
Well, he does!
I mean, look,
that judge just took
one look at him and...
What is that?
What is it about you?
What?
As a woman, could you...
Could you explain that to me?
How should I know?
I'm not the least bit
attracted to him.
No offense, Michael,
but I'm not.
I put a block on you.
Oh, sure.
I did.
All right, to continue,
"Presumably this frying pan
was coated with Teflon
"to save a wee bit on
the amount of cholesterol
"ingested by the town
of Meadsboro every year
when they get together
"to honor the egg."
Michael, we're not stopping.
You have 10 seconds
to change your mind.
Ten hippopotamus.
Nine hippopotamus.
Eight hippopotamus.
How much more attractive
is he than I am?
Seven hippopotamus.
Be honest with me.
Six hippopotamus.
Huey, this is not healthy.
Five hippopotamus.
Four hippopotamus.
Three, two, one!
Oh, no.
There's no jack!
Of course there is no jack!
Just ask him to fix it.
He blew it, he can fix it!
Fix this tire!
Come back here this instant
and fix this tire!
No can do.
I miss my wife.
I don't miss
any of my husbands.
Although Bradley
was handy with a jack.
He had to be.
I don't want to ask why.
His tires were bald.
His tires were bald.
So was his head.
I wish he'd call,
but now he's dead.
He's not dead,
and he wasn't bald.
Poetic license.
♪ His tires were bald
♪ And they went flat
♪ So did our love,
and that was that ♪
Heh.
Maybe you could write
a song about my wife.
Do you love her?
Hey, she drives me wild.
Mmm.
What about her?
She had her
lips done.
Had little bits of fat
squeezed into them.
Now my wife has
lips like a blowfish.
But in a good way.
Mmm.
♪ My wife has lips
like a blowfish ♪
I don't see it.
But you know,
I could be wrong.
If I had any talent
as a country singer,
I wouldn't be sitting
on the side of the road
in the middle of nowhere.
♪ Sitting on
the side of the road
In the middle of nowhere ♪
Sounds awfully familiar.
Mmm. But it's good, though.
This is one god-forsaken road.
I'll bet you no one
ever comes down it.
Yeah, well,
they won't stop though.
Hi there.
Bet you need a jack.
I spun around,
and the next thing
that happened was
he came as 100 mouths,
open and stinking with decay,
and he tore at my flesh
from every angle of heaven.
So I grabbed Beelzebub's
blue tongue in my fist.
Whoa, man.
Who's Beelzebub?
Beelzebub is Satan.
Oh. Satan.
Michael,
get in the car.
What'll it be, folks?
Do you have pie?
Do we have pie?
Buddy, you're in
the pie capital
of America.
Well, we want pie.
What have you got?
I got them memorized.
Okay, ready?
We got apple, of course,
banana cream,
coconut cream,
sour cream raisin.
We got--
Chocolate cream?
Definitely
chocolate cream.
And strawberry
rhubarb pie, and
cherry, and lemon meringue.
We want two slices
of everything.
And vanilla ice cream
on the side.
- You got it.
- Thank you.
Mmm. Chocolate. Oh.
Ah. Bliss. Bliss.
That's banana cream
and that's coconut.
Everybody get out of
my banana cream pie.
That, that's the pie.
What is this?
What is this pie?
That's the sour cream raisin.
Very underrated pie.
Lemon meringue pie.
This isn't key lime.
Mmm-mmm.
Lemon meringue.
What is it
about pie?
It's pretty, you know?
There's nothing
prettier than pie,
with the little
scalloped edges
around the sides
and those slits in the top
for the heat to escape.
Pie gives you the sense that
you're a four-square person
living in a
four-square country.
Well, pie says home.
As American
as apple pie.
I wish I invented pie.
I did.
I'm just kidding.
That was a good one.
God's in his heaven,
and all's right
with the world.
Mmm. My mother
made a great--
Blueberry pie.
Yes.
So do I.
I have to say,
I like cream pie
more than fruit pie.
Me too.
That is so wrong.
I like them all.
I like you.
Mmm.
Dorothy.
Sing your song
about pie.
You have a song
about pie?
Actually, I do.
Sing, Dorothy.
Now.
♪ Pie, pie
♪ Me, oh, my
♪ Nothing tastes sweet,
wet, salty, and dry
♪ All at once
so well as pie
♪ Apple, pumpkin,
mince and black bottom
♪ I'll come to your place
every day if you've got 'em
♪ Pie, me, oh, my
♪ I love pie ♪
That's great.
Sing another song.
Oh.
It's in b-flat.
It's pretty basic,
but watch out
for the guitar
down there, okay?
Oh.
Hi. I'm nervous.
Oh, this is, um--
You'll have to forgive me.
It's a work in progress.
Don't apologize,
Dorothy. Okay.
Okay.
One, two.
Yeah!
Whoo!
And then when
I went to college
I was published.
You were published?
Yeah, I was published.
I mean, well, kind of.
You know, it's
like a yearly thing.
Poems, you know?
Yeah, that's great.
That's great.
Uh, it's really great.
It's cold.
Yeah.
I'm in there.
This is Huey's room, so...
Where are you?
I'm in four.
Where is that?
It's up there.
Where exactly?
On the corner.
On the corner
right there?
Mmm-hmm.
Directly over
my room?
Um...
You were great.
Really great.
Um...
It was...
Good night.
Yeah. Good night.
It was...
What are, uh, what are
you doing tonight?
Not much.
You wanna
come to my room?
Why don't you
come to mine?
That's...
That's a good idea.
I have to tell
you something.
I know.
I'm not--
Ever falling in love
with anyone again.
I know.
Okay, okay.
Okay, oh, okay.
Come on,
Sparky. Come on.
Come on.
Yes.
Wings?
Far out!
Some angel.
I needed the job.
Good morning.
What exactly are we
talking about here?
At the paper.
That's what I was trying to
tell you last night.
That's why I'm here.
I don't make excuses
for working there.
There's no reason
for you to.
Here's a confession.
You wanna hear
a confession?
Yours?
I needed the job, too.
No one would
go near me after what
happened at the Tribune.
What did happen?
Oh.
I hit the managing editor.
Why?
He fired this really
sweet old guy
who'd been there
for, like, 27 years.
Really?
Nope.
He changed my lead.
You hit him
because he changed
your lead?
No.
It was late.
I was drunk.
How I see it,
it makes no difference
where I work.
Now that's what I call
a lie. I bet you have
a half-finished novel
in the second drawer
of your desk.
She got the desk.
Are you keeping
something from me?
I'm not ethical.
Just because you
write about angels
for a supermarket
tabloid?
Are you keeping
some angel experience
from me?
If you are,
I forgive you.
I think I could
forgive you anything.
This was not a mistake.
Don't say that you think
this was a mistake.
I couldn't bear it.
It's going well.
It's a difficult
case, though,
to give a man
back his heart.
Mmm.
Listen.
Listen to the earth.
Mmm. I'm gonna miss
everything so much.
You gotta
remember, Sparky,
no matter what
they tell you,
you can never
have too much sugar.
Dorothy.
Quinlan.
Good morning, Michael.
Good morning, Sparky.
Sparky, no!
No!
Oh, he's all right.
He's all right.
He's all right.
No.
Oh, I killed him.
It's not your fault.
It's all my fault.
I'm so sorry, Huey.
I'm so sorry.
You didn't
do anything wrong.
Do something.
It isn't my area.
What is your area?
Explain it to me.
Would somebody tell me
exactly what is his area?
I don't know anything
about his area.
That's what I've been
trying to tell you.
What?
I don't know
anything about angels.
I'm a dog trainer.
That's why I was hired.
To train Sparky?
And then--
Then after...
We screw up with the angel,
and Malt gets the dog...
I get Huey's job.
I didn't know you.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, too.
Now bring him
back to life.
And don't give me
any of that "it isn't
my area" stuff.
Bring him back to life,
or go back
where you came from.
Bring him back.
Angel.
I don't
have much longer.
Ohh.
Ohh.
Ohh.
Ohh.
We're here, Michael.
We're here.
Michael, look up.
The Sears Tower in
Chicago is the world's
tallest building.
It stands 1,454 feet
above street level,
contains enough concrete
for an eight lane highway.
Ohh.
Ohh.
Ahh.
Quinlan,
I'm so sorry.
I didn't do
what I came for.
I didn't finish.
I'm so sorry.
Um...
Good-bye.
Good-bye, Michael.
Thank you for everything.
Thank you for letting me
have a little fun.
Good-bye,
my battling friend.
Good-bye,
world's biggest
angel.
Godspeed.
Ohh.
You're late.
We know.
Where's the angel?
Yeah,
it was a hoax.
A hoax?
- A hoax.
- Definitely a hoax.
He had detachable wings.
And a halo made out
of pipe cleaners.
And he smelled
of cookies.
Just kidding.
So, I win.
You're fired,
and I get the dog.
Come here, Sparky.
Come on,
my little sausage.
You come
to your daddy.
Come on--ow!
Bastard!
Sparky, come on.
Listen, Sparky--
Sparky!
- Don't hate me.
- I love you--ow!
Gee!
Hey, listen,
get the mutt out,
will you?
Oh, right. Like that dog
could be gotten out,
like that dog
can do anything.
That is the worst dog
I think I've ever met.
I thought you said
you could train
any dog.
She was wrong.
Are you saying I'm
stuck with these two
because of a dog?
You're stuck
with Mr. Driscoll,
not with me.
We met a guy with
a two-headed chicken
outside of Cedar Rapids.
Yeah. Okay.
Hey, where
are you going?
Hey! Quinlan!
Hey!
Hey, Quinlan!
Where
are you going?
Hey! Get off of me!
Get--get back!
Listen, Quinlan,
whatever I said. Don't--
Don't take it
personally.
You're the best
reporter I have.
I'm out of here.
Hey!
So you're just
gonna leave?
Yup.
You don't wanna
talk about it?
Nope.
Hey, come on,
talk to me, eh?
Well, disagree with me.
Argue me out of it.
All right,
let's have a fight.
Come on, fight me, eh?
Hey, Quinlan, you're
the only one that ever
fought with me here.
Who am I going to fight with?
You got to
help me out here.
It isn't my area.
Wait!
I'm sorry.
Please stop.
Please stop
and talk to me.
I appreciate what
you said up there.
I thank you.
I'll see you around.
You said--
You said you could
forgive me anything.
I forgive you.
We had a good time.
What are you
so upset about?
Oh.
It's you.
I remember you.
I thought
you were gone.
Uh, good evening. Buona sera.
For our specialties
tonight, we have
angel hair pasta
with a pomodoro sauce,
cappellini primavera,
a melange of vegetables
over angel hair pasta,
and finally, a light sauce
with lemon and parsley
tossed with
angel hair pasta.
Anything else?
Yes, we want one
pumpkin nut muffin,
and?
A piece of
angel food cake.
They don't have
angel food cake,
do you?
No.
So, did you ever
tell anyone about...
I was going to.
Oh, I couldn't
wait to get home
to tell Valerie.
And then I
opened my mouth,
and the words
wouldn't come out.
I'd take a breath,
I even opened
my mouth a second time.
Nothing.
As far as I'm concerned,
it never happened.
Oh, but we saw it.
We were there.
It never happened.
So what
are you up to?
I'm back on the novel.
If it didn't happen,
where's your raincoat?
"If it."
What is this?
"If it happened?"
If it happened,
you know what?
Then I've got to
believe that someday
I'm going to be
walking down the street
and some unknown force is
going to make me turn right
instead of turning left,
and, at that moment,
a car is going to come
around the corner
with the woman
of my dreams in it
and blow a flat.
Right there,
next to where I'm standing.
No.
It never happened.
Need any help?
No, thanks.
No, we're cool.
Michael!
Michael, wait!
Ohh!
What are you
doing here?
I live here. I live
two blocks from here.
I was on
my way home and,
I thought I saw--
He came around
this corner.
That corner.
I love you, Dorothy.
I love you.
Marry me.
No.
Marry me, please?
No.
Marry me, Dorothy.
No.
Oh, my darling Dorothy,
will you marry me?
Yes. Yes.
Let's go home.
You know, Pansy,
I invented marriage.
Michael.
Well, I did.
Before that,
you should have seen it.
Everybody was so mixed up,
they didn't know what to do.
So I said,
"Have a ceremony."
Hmm.
Let's go home.
Do you
smell something?
There's
a bakery near here.
Good night.
Right here is fine.
Think this is
bleak enough?
My ears are frozen,
my feet are frozen.
This is as far
as it goes.
Malt's not going
to like this.
What's he not
going to like?
He'll find something
not to like.
Besides us, you mean?
Yes, besides us.
Huey...
You sit in the sled.
Santa, Sparky, presents...
Reindeer...
Fake snow...
What are we missing?
Children.
Oh, yeah.
Let them out!
Let them out!
Now what do I do?
You know what to do.
When they
handed out the parts,
you got the heart.
That's right,
I got the heart.
You got the brain.
Is that what
you're saying?
I'm saying that
between the two of us,
you've got the heart.
I'm saying that together,
we make a person.
It's Santa!
It's Sparky!
What is this,
Craddock, a joke?
No.
Who was in charge here?
Me. I was.
That's right,
Mr. Malt.
This was Quinlan's baby.
Quinlan...
Let me ask you
a question.
You was a big-shot
investigative reporter
for the Chicago Tribune.
Won some prizes.
Give him a biscuit.
Now, what do these
look like to you?
They're Indians
dressed up as Eskimos.
Indians, Eskimos...
What's the difference?
That's what we thought.
Shut up, Driscoll.
You know the only prize
I ever got, Quinlan?
It's out there
on the walls.
I got 4 and a half
million people
who buy the National Mirror
every week.
Do you know how
many of those
4 and a half million readers
are Indians or Eskimos
or Eskimo-Indians?
I told him.
American children.
Americans want to see
pictures of Americans.
They are Americans.
Americans!
Is that too much to ask
for Christmas?
No, sir, and I will
get someone right on it.
Aw, did you
do that again?
If you don't teach
that dog some manners soon,
somebody else
is going to have to,
won't they, hmm?
How long were you in
Elizabeth Taylor's pool,
ma'am?
Reincarnation.
Miss Uffler speaking.
Were you on the bed
when it levitated?
So you're saying
he's living in
your refrigerator?
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
You know what?
Can I put you on
hold for a second?
I'm going to go
to my desk and take
this call there.
Yes. Now,
don't let him out.
Okay. Hold on.
Oh.
Oh, no, no, no.
Here's something
interesting.
Ay yi yi.
Malt sent you
for the tree this year,
didn't he? I forgot.
I found it in Montana.
Now, the second
I see this tree,
I know that it's too big
to fit on the truck.
Then I think,
what if someone else
sees the same tree
while I'm out trying
to find something
that will fit
on the truck?
Then Malt...
Gets the second
biggest Christmas tree
in America,
and I'm screwed.
Yeah, well,
that's good thinking.
So I cut the top off.
You did that?
How was I supposed to
know it was going to be
such a major problem
to put the top part
of the tree
back on the bottom?
He is never going
to fire you, Huey.
Look at the walls.
Look, look at the walls.
He's got
millions of dollars
tied up in that dog,
and the dog
belongs to you.
Hold on to that dog,
Huey.
What?
Driscoll?
Driscoll!
Driscoll!
Come in here!
We're going
together, Sparky.
"Dear, Mr. Quinlan,
I'm a great admirer
of your... Prose
"and can tell you have
a sensitive nature.
"I have had an angel
named... Michael...
"Living with me
for almost 6 months now.
"He's extremely polite.
"I have enclosed
a photograph to prove to you
"that I have not
lost my wits.
"I know that you and Sparky
travel all over
"reporting on your stories.
"That one about the coconut
with the wedding ring inside
"was very, very nice,
"and I think you should
visit Iowa...
"And see us for yourself.
"Sincerely,
Pansy Milbank."
Mmm-hmm.
Yeah.
Did your mother
drop you?
What was going on
in that pea brain
that lets you take
this superb creation
of the Lord almighty
and chop it in half?
Whatever I'm paying you,
it's too much!
How much
does Fred make?
What, the janitor?
Oh, Mr. Malt,
I cannot survive
on a janitor's
salary--
Kill the dog.
Quinlan, did someone
invite you to this meeting?
Take him outside
and let him go
on the highway.
Wait a minute--
What kind of person are you?
Who is this?
This is
Miss Dorothy Winters.
She works here.
I do?
I got the job?
Yes!
You won't regret this,
Mr. Malt.
Do you know
what that is?
That is an angel.
That is
a genuine angel.
Huey discovered it.
Is this for real?
Absolutely.
You're going to go
get me this angel.
That's exactly
what we're going to do.
We'll put it on
the front page, bold.
- Some white fluffy clouds...
- There you go.
A drift of sky...
You got it.
- And some musical notes!
- Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah!
Poetry.
Don't play with me,
Quinlan.
You really are going to go
and fetch me this angel
for Christmas,
or... I fire
the two of you,
and I keep the dog.
Yeah?
Deal.
A little conference
with my colleague.
You cannot live
on Fred's salary.
You cannot.
That's a deal.
Don't you
worry about a thing,
Mr. Malt.
We'll leave
tomorrow.
We're taking
Sparky with us.
And you're taking
Miss Winters.
They are?
Why are we
taking her?
She's an expert.
In what?
Angels.
Miss Winters is
an expert in angels.
I have something
to tell you.
I won't be taking care
of you anymore.
Your parents will find
someone else and...
Stop looking at me like that.
I have this wonderful
new job.
The only problem is,
I have to pretend
to be an angel expert
for a few days
on this trip.
It'll be fine.
I'll be fine.
And so will you.
Good dogs.
Good dogs.
Have you ever
had an encounter
with an angel?
No. Yes.
Maybe.
Have you ever
met an angel?
Yeah, once.
I got a flat tire
on the side
of a deserted
country road.
There was
no food, no water,
108 degrees
temperature,
and a man
in a white robe
suddenly appeared
on the horizon
with a spare and a jack.
You're kidding.
Yes, I am.
Bradley used to tease.
Who is Bradley?
My ex-husband.
Oh, ho.
You better watch it,
Quinlan.
I think
we should start over.
You know, when something
isn't going well,
it's best just to start over.
I'll go first.
Okay.
Where'd you get Sparky?
Oh, no.
He comes up to Huey
in a parking lot
one day.
Huey was eating
a donut,
and he's trying
to kick the-- Trying
to kick him away.
You were trying
to kick the dog?
I wasn't trying
to kick him.
I was trying
to shoo him away
very gently.
When Malt
comes out the door,
he looks at the dog,
he stops dead
in his tracks.
It turns out
that Malt was
once a child
who had had a dog
just like that one.
Oh, that's so sweet.
Anyway, Malt's eyes
get all teary,
and he pours out
this story all about
his dog, Sparky,
which ended up
underneath a tractor tire!
Ha ha ha!
And you know
what Huey did?
Huey turns to Malt,
and he says,
"Mr. Malt,
that is amazing!
"This dog's name
is Sparky, too!"
Ha ha ha!
In no time at all,
the dog is famous.
He's got his own column.
He must've saved Huey's neck
a hundred times.
Milk Bottle Hotel.
Here, here, here!
Milk Bottle Hotel!
Looks like
your angel checked out.
Somebody's here.
Mrs. Milbank?
Mrs. Milbank,
I'm Frank Quinlan
from the National Mirror.
About your letter?
Um...
This is my associate
Mr. Hugh Driscoll.
How are you?
And this is
Dorothy Winters,
who is an expert
in... Various things.
And this is...
Sparky.
Oh! Oh!
Oh, you're just as handsome
as in the pictures!
Aww...
Oh, I think he's cold.
I wouldn't know
why not.
We better get him
inside. Oh...
Sparky, here you are.
Oh, ha ha!
Mmm. What's that
wonderful smell?
You must be baking.
Well, it was nice
of you to come.
Oh!
Mrs. Milbank?
Don't shake me,
Mr. Quinlan!
I'm contemplating
my death.
Are you
with the angel?
Do you see an angel?
I don't think I do.
Then how could I be
with him?
Well, we don't know exactly
how it works with angels.
"How it works"?
If he's in the room,
then you're with him.
If he's somewhere else,
then you're not.
And that's why we
can't see him now.
He's not here.
Are you impaired in some way
that I haven't noticed, Miss?
Miss Winters has
probably never heard
of an angel
living in a motel.
You think
I'm full of shit.
No, no,
nothing like that.
I don't judge
these things,
Mrs. Milbank.
It's not for me
to decide what's real
and what's not.
I've seen
too many things
myself.
We once heard
there was a werewolf
in South Jersey.
We went there.
To locate the werewolf.
Yeah. In that
particular case,
that person was...
Utterly convinced
that the werewolf was
in the room with us.
They could see it,
although Mr. Quinlan
and myself...
We couldn't see
the werewolf,
but that doesn't mean
it wasn't there.
Michael!
Michael? Are you
coming down, dear?
Yeah...
Be right down.
Just gotta find my smokes.
They're beside the bed,
next to my cortisone.
Did you find them?
He'll be down directly.
That smell is so familiar.
It's like something
from childhood.
Oh...
Michael, look
who's come to visit us.
It's Sparky.
How do you do?
You'll have
to excuse Michael.
He's not good
at suffering fools,
but he'll be better
in the morning.
It's freezing!
Whoa!
Where's the thermostat
in here?
Are we talking
about an angel here?
We can't be talking
about an angel.
There is no
such thing as an...
Such thing
as an angel.
That is definitely
the weirdest thing
I have ever seen.
It's like
some great big bird
made love to
that guy's mother.
Yes! And we...
We reap the benefits!
I'm set for life!
I mean, I could
even get a raise!
I... Thank you!
Thank you, Jesus!
What?
That is not an angel.
It is too!
It is not!
I will handle this.
Where has he been?
Meaning what?
Meaning if he were
a man with wings,
which is
the alternative here,
we would've heard
about him.
He didn't just show up
at his age with wings.
There would've been
a story about him
in the papers.
In the National Mirror.
Exactly.
"Baby Born with Wings."
Yeah, "Birdman of Iowa."
It is not angel
versus man with wings.
There are
other possibilities.
Like what?
It's fairly obvious,
isn't it?
He's a younger man.
She's an older woman.
He's after her money.
A gigolo with wings?
A gigolo!
What money is he after?
The Milk Bottle
Motel fortune?
You don't have
to have money
to have someone try
to take it away from you.
Lord! Oh, Lord.
Is it so hard
for you to imagine
that a man would be
after a woman's money?
Is this, uh...
Is this Britely
or Brinkley or whatever,
what's his name?
Bradley.
Is this Bradley we're
talking about here?
Actually, no. It's Myles.
Who's Myles?
My second husband.
Ah.
Myles was a wild man.
It only lasted
a week.
You left him?
No. He left me
in my Camaro.
Ah!
I see.
I'll bet he racked up $5,000
on your Visa bill,
too, didn't he?
Didn't he?
Oh, you just know
everything, don't you?
Angels don't smoke!
I'm going to sleep.
Good night.
Don't let
the bedbugs bite.
That is
a horrible expression.
It is not an expression.
Ooh, is that good?
Oh!
Ooh, you're so hungry.
Oh, boy!
Aw!
Good boy.
Oh, what a sweet doggy!
Oh!
How would you
like your eggs, Mr. Quinlan?
Oh, Sparky's look good.
Over easy!
You know, last night
we were discussing
your wings.
Would you mind
if I took a closer look?
Let them look
at your wings, Michael.
They're from
the National Mirror.
Thank you.
They're not bad.
Compared to what?
Well, I've...
I've seen birds.
Would you mind
if I touched...
Oh.
I'd rather you didn't.
Hey, well...
We'd just like...
Like to take a look
to see how you have
these things attached.
Why don't you pull
on your pecker
and see how
that's attached?
Watch your language, mister.
Pecker.
An angel
that says "pecker."
Language, gentlemen!
And how would you like
your eggs, miss?
Is there something
in the oven
The smells is
so delicious.
We are serving eggs
this morning,
and that's that.
Over easy
would be just fine.
Over easy!
I thought angels
were...
Cleaner.
She doesn't mean
to offend.
Yeah.
It's... It's...
Yeah.
Miss Winters is
an angel expert,
and she gets
kind of literal.
What she probably
wants to know is...
Can you fly?
I do not want to know
if he can fly.
I know he can't fly.
Only little angels can fly
because their wingspan...
Stop. Stop.
Says who?
I just thought...
- Halos?
- Yes.
Inner light?
Yes.
I'm not that kind
of angel.
What kind of angel
are you?
Michael is an archangel.
He battled Lucifer
and threw him out of heaven.
Revelation 12, verse seven.
Well, that was
a long time ago.
He smote a bank for me!
A bank?
I knew it. Money was
involved, wasn't it?
I should say so.
After Elmer died...
Who's Elmer?
My husband.
After he died,
they built the highway
and stole all my truckers.
And then the bank came
to take the Milk Bottle,
and I prayed for help
until God sent me Michael.
Well, she was persistent.
You came down
and smote the bank?
Eh, a branch.
First Iowa
Bank of Commerce.
It was lovely.
He walked into the manager's
office and said...
What was that you said?
Money-changer!
"Money-changer!
"I shall turneth
this earthly den
"into a parking lot!"
Come on, I'd say that?
I didn't say that.
They didn't believe us,
so Michael flattened it.
You did that?
Had to.
Into a parking lot?
Mmm.
Well, they said
it was a tornado.
This town doesn't really
need a parking lot,
but it's, uh, more, uh...
Mmm, cosmopolitan.
And what about
the money?
We never heard another
word about it, did we?
Nope.
You look like you must eat
a robust breakfast.
How would you
like your eggs?
Poached?
Uh, that's... Poached...
Poached is fine.
Poached.
"The lord is my shepherd.
"I shall not want.
"He maketh me to lie down
in green pastures.
"He leadeth me beside
the still waters..."
Look, she's...
She's happier
where she is, right?
Heaven?
She's happier
up there, right?
It isn't my area.
You hardly knew her.
She died
cooking us breakfast.
She died
making breakfast.
What is it that you keep
writing in that book?
Lyrics.
To what?
I write country-western songs.
It's my hobby.
"Earth to earth,
"ashes to ashes,
"and dust to dust.
"The lord bless
and keep you
"and give you peace."
Justine? It's Quinlan.
Put me straight through.
What you got?
Wings.
Real wings...
Don't play
with me, Quinlan.
This guy is
about six feet tall,
and his wingsreach from
his shoulders to his knees.
He's filthy, though.
We're gonna have
to clean him up
and put him in a white robe.
Get Craddock to dig up
some of those sandals.
You know, the ones
with those straps
that go up your legs.
It's too bad he's not
blond, though, right?
Angels is supposed
to be blond.
But Oprah, Barbara,
the Today Show, Hard Copy,
book the works.
Then let's...
Don't mess this one up.
I want that guy
on the first plane to Chicago.
Or does the birdman
fly himself?
I don't know
if he actually uses the wings,
but, God,
wouldn't that be a draw?
Oh...
Anyway, don't worry,
he's in safe hands.
Yeah, and I'm
the queen of England.
Don't fret, Malt.
"He's in safe hands."
In view of
this development,
should we call
the girl off?
No, no. Leave her
where she is.
I'm in a no-lose
situation.
Heya, Mike.
Michael.
Have you, um...
Have you ever seen
the world's biggest
ball of twine?
No.
Listen, we have
to get back...
I once saw the world's
biggest cannonball.
Mesopotamia.
I wonder if it's
still there.
Mesopotamia
isn't still there.
Ugh. Nothing lasts.
Listen, I have
to ask a favor.
Huey and I,
we're on a little bit
of a losing streak.
Quit.
We can't quit.
He's got a mortgage.
He's got three kids
in a soccer camp.
He's got a wife.
God knows he loves her,
but she's burning
a hole in his pocket.
And I...
Well...
Love to fight. Like me.
We'll drive.
Where?
Chicago. That's where you want
to go, isn't it?
Yes!
Yeah. I know.
That's why I wrote you.
You wrote? I thought...
Yeah. My idea.
Ah.
Why are we driving?
I mean,
why don't we fly?
I mean, all of us,
together, in a plane.
Ho! Hey!
It's safer,
much safer.
Nobody believes it,
but, statistically, it's true.
And the paper will pay.
Nope. We need time.
Time for what?
Smokes? Smokes? Ah.
Besides, I will get to see
the world's largest
ball of twine.
It's on the way.
Great. Great.
One condition.
You will owe me something.
Money. Yeah. I can't
quote a figure,
but there will be
plenty of money,
I promise you that,
once the world sees
pictures of these babies.
No.
You will owe me an apology.
An apology for what?
Oh, then, yeah, sure.
I apologize. Whatever.
Not now. When I say so.
And no pictures.
No pictures?
Are you kidding me?
Not until we get
to Chicago.
Deal?
Deal.
Mmm-hmm, mmm-hmm.
Hmm.
I like your coat
better.
It's yours.
The world's biggest
ball of twine
is less than two
hours from here.
I would like to see it
before the sun sets.
Michael, they are
going to exploit you.
You have to know that.
I'm going.
Well, I'm not,
for your sake.
Yes, you are,
or I'll have to tell them
the truth about you.
What?
I know why you're here,
and it has nothing
to do with angels.
How do you know?
I pay attention.
Also,
I would like you
to sing.
A song?
Of course.
Fine. I'll sing.
Now?
No.
When I tell you to.
In financial news,
hog futures are down
a quarter in Chicago
and selling down
an eighth in Sioux City.
"Hog futures."
What?
"Hog futures are
down a quarter."
Hey. What's
the opposite of white?
Black.
Wrong. Yolk.
What?
What is that,
like, an egg joke?
Hey, Michael,
when we stop to eat,
are you going
to put your coat back on?
Why?
Your wings, Michael.
People are going
to see your wings.
Are you afraid they'll
think less of you?
No.
Just they won't know
what to think, you know?
A lot of people aren't
as sophisticated
as me and Huey.
Oh.
You know, we don't
want any trouble.
We just want
to get to Chicago.
Mmm-hmm.
He's worried that
somebody will see you
and try to steal his story.
I am not worried.
Yes, you are worried.
Hey! Hey!
Look what pansy left us.
Car Bingo.
Oh. Dig the propaganda.
"The miles will fly,
"and your children won't cry
"if you play Car Bingo."
All right.
Everybody gets one.
Here we go.
Hand them out.
So, what do we do?
Here are the pencils.
Instead of writing
down a number,
you write down
what you see on your trip.
Yeah.
Okay.
Dog. One point for me.
Oh, no! That's not fair.
You've played this before.
It's not fair to me.
I'm driving.
Deal with it.
Bird on a wire.
Picket fence.
Policeman.
Where?
Ah, that was good.
Oh!
Oh. You gotta
learn to laugh.
It's the way to true love.
"The world's largest
ball of twine
"has a circumference
of 45 feet..."
What's the excuse?
Well, it's just going to
take a little longer
than we thought
because we have to stay
off the main highway.
Fly.
Well, he won't fly.
Why?
'Cause he can't fit
in coach seats.
His wings take
too much space.
Wanna pay first-class?
Drive.
"Eventually, it was
transported here.
"There is enough twine
"to stock 5,000
hardware stores..."
Battle.
We'll be there. Don't worry.
What can happen, you know?
Trust me. Nothing.
Michael?
Don't fret, Malt.
Quinlan!
Michael!
Michael!
What are you doing?
Battle!
Michael.
Michael.
Michael, you know
what that is?
Battle!
Michael. Don't.
Michael.
Michael.
I am completely happy.
Are you all right?
Ooh...
Can you feel your legs?
Whoo.
No injuries.
6,360 battles.
Can you sit up?
Of course I can sit up.
Ah. Now that...
That is my nature. Yes.
I am a grass roller,
but I'm doomed
to live in one place
and crave
the pleasures of another.
But don't you
feel sorry for me, no.
Why would we feel
sorry for you?
Because this is
my last blast.
26. That's all we get.
Thank you, Quinlan.
For what?
I think he's saying
there's no sex in heaven.
Is... Is that
what he's saying?
You know, uh,
it's really not polite
to talk about someone
in the third person
when that person is here.
I know. I'm very sorry.
Sparky!
What do you mean,
"Last blast"?
Only so many visits
allowed.
I'm going to miss
everything so much.
Ah!
Mmm!
Why are you here?
Why are you saying
it has anything
to do with me?
Hmm. The sun was
having an argument
with the north wind.
Who was smarter,
who was stronger.
The north wind
pointed out a man
walking down the street,
"I bet I can make
that man take off his coat,
and you can't."
"I'll take that bet,"
said the sun.
The north wind blew
and blew and blew,
and the more
that wind blew,
the tighter that man
held that coat
around himself.
And then the sun
came out and smiled,
and it became warmer.
The man took
off his coat.
What is that
supposed to mean?
Did you make
a bet about me?
Well, I had to get
back here somehow.
Hey, watch the wings
there, buddy.
That's not how
you eat a lemon.
How do you
eat a lemon?
You cut it in half.
Put salt on it.
That is how you
eat a lemon.
That's how you
eat a lemon.
Oh, is this
a rule?
Hey.
Hey to you, too.
Thank you.
Do you have pie?
Do you have pie?
No.
I'm a writer, too.
Oh, really?
What did you write?
Psalm 85.
It wasn't called
Psalm 85 when
I wrote it.
I had no idea
they were going to be
collected and numbered.
Mmm.
Yeah. Yeah.
It was right around
the time I invented
standing in line.
You invented
standing in line?
Mmm-hmm.
Before then everybody
just milled around.
It was a mess.
So one day I said,
"Why not make a line?"
A line for what?
To get in.
Why don't you ask him
what you want to know?
What do I
want to know?
He wants to know
why angels don't
solve big problems.
That is what
I want to know.
Why don't angels
solve big problems?
You can't change
the nature of the world.
What can you do?
Small miracles.
Only so many.
Some angels
aren't so smart.
They use them up
in stupid ways.
Like the parking
space angel?
I don't like to
criticize other angels.
I'll, uh, be with you
in a minute.
Yup.
This is how
you eat a lemon.
Hey.
Excuse me.
They want me.
Now, remember what
John and Paul said.
The apostles?
No. The Beatles.
All you need is love.
Hello, ladies.
Do you believe
in angels?
Absolutely.
Have you ever,
ever heard of an angel
that was interested in sex?
Of course not.
Angels do not
have sex.
But is there one?
And I suppose he
invented standing in line.
Sparky, I'm going
to take you for a walk.
Let's go.
Suzanne, what's going on?
Hey. Suzanne.
Follow me, ladies.
Follow me.
I invented the hole in
the coffee cup, you know.
When you get
coffee to go.
I was the first person
to rip that little
hole in the lid
so you could
drink it in the car.
Could've made
a fortune.
It's weird.
What?
She's an angel
expert, but...
What?
Battle!
Come on!
Ha! Ah! Ha!
For God's sake,
Michael.
Stop.
Hey. You.
Battle.
You'd better
believe it.
Over here!
It's caramels.
He smells like caramels.
It's cotton candy.
It's cookies.
He smells like cookies,
and the smell
gets stronger
when he's in heat.
Ha!
You're a great
fighter.
I certainly am.
- I'm cold.
- My head hurts.
You folks from
the National Mirror?
I got a two-headed
chicken in my yard,
if you're interested.
What are we
being held for?
Destruction of property,
assault, battery,
and disturbing the peace.
Magistrate
will be here
in the morning.
Your honor, I didn't
have anything
to do with this.
Good night.
Hey. Hey, hey.
We have a phone
call coming to us.
Hey.
Whoo, whoo, whoo.
Ralph got
thrown in jail,
but at least
he had the decency
to keep me out of it.
I don't want to
spend the night here.
I hate you.
What? You hate me?
Not you.
You hate me?
Not you.
The process
of elimination.
Who is Ralph?
Another husband
has popped up.
Maybe Sparky
can get us out.
Hey.
Sparky?
Go in the drawer
and get the key.
Sparky.
Go in the drawer
and get the key.
Dorothy can
make him do it.
Dorothy's
good with dogs.
I have noticed this.
Dogs don't talk.
They don't shave.
They don't run off
in your Camaro.
When you want them to take
a bath you just make
an appointment, you know?
Sit. Stay.
Roll over.
No.
Now.
What?
Apologize.
Say you're sorry.
To her?
Be serious.
Or I'm not going to...
Sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I didn't mean it. Okay?
Dorothy.
You cold?
Here. Take my blanket, okay?
I'm going to sleep.
Me, too.
All rise, all rise.
The court of Bickle County
is now in session.
The honorable Judge
Esther Newberg presiding.
Please rise.
Be seated.
Now.
You are charged with
disturbing the peace,
destruction of property--
$1,200 worth.
I know.
I spoke to Jenny.
Who's, uh, Jenny?
That's his wife. She told me
that sweet little painting
above the bar...
Uh, two moose
hunters in a canoe.
Smashed to smithereens.
That is so sad.
Yep.
Isn't this a
conflict of interest?
Did I say
you could speak?
I know someone who
can restore paintings.
I told Jenny,
"Stop crying.
I will take care of it."
Now, who can tell me
exactly what happened...
Last night?
I can.
Anyone else?
We were having dinner.
Not you.
If I may.
Put your hand down.
You. Please.
In chambers.
All rise, all rise.
The court of Bickle County,
Judge Esther Newberg
presiding, is now in recess.
Please rise.
Come on, sing!
Not you, not yet.
Just the guys.
Come on, fellas.
Bring it down.
- Hey! Wait a minute.
- Wait, wait.
Meadsboro, one mile.
So?
So that's where
the world's largest
non-stick frying pan is.
Oh, no, Michael.
We are not stopping
to see the world's
largest non-stick frying pan.
Why not?
Because we have
to get back.
Well, me too,
but before that happens,
I would like to see
the world's largest
non-stick frying pan.
It is on the way.
Every time we
stop somewhere,
he gets us in trouble.
Yes, but he also
gets us out of trouble.
Huey!
What?
Well, he does!
I mean, look,
that judge just took
one look at him and...
What is that?
What is it about you?
What?
As a woman, could you...
Could you explain that to me?
How should I know?
I'm not the least bit
attracted to him.
No offense, Michael,
but I'm not.
I put a block on you.
Oh, sure.
I did.
All right, to continue,
"Presumably this frying pan
was coated with Teflon
"to save a wee bit on
the amount of cholesterol
"ingested by the town
of Meadsboro every year
when they get together
"to honor the egg."
Michael, we're not stopping.
You have 10 seconds
to change your mind.
Ten hippopotamus.
Nine hippopotamus.
Eight hippopotamus.
How much more attractive
is he than I am?
Seven hippopotamus.
Be honest with me.
Six hippopotamus.
Huey, this is not healthy.
Five hippopotamus.
Four hippopotamus.
Three, two, one!
Oh, no.
There's no jack!
Of course there is no jack!
Just ask him to fix it.
He blew it, he can fix it!
Fix this tire!
Come back here this instant
and fix this tire!
No can do.
I miss my wife.
I don't miss
any of my husbands.
Although Bradley
was handy with a jack.
He had to be.
I don't want to ask why.
His tires were bald.
His tires were bald.
So was his head.
I wish he'd call,
but now he's dead.
He's not dead,
and he wasn't bald.
Poetic license.
♪ His tires were bald
♪ And they went flat
♪ So did our love,
and that was that ♪
Heh.
Maybe you could write
a song about my wife.
Do you love her?
Hey, she drives me wild.
Mmm.
What about her?
She had her
lips done.
Had little bits of fat
squeezed into them.
Now my wife has
lips like a blowfish.
But in a good way.
Mmm.
♪ My wife has lips
like a blowfish ♪
I don't see it.
But you know,
I could be wrong.
If I had any talent
as a country singer,
I wouldn't be sitting
on the side of the road
in the middle of nowhere.
♪ Sitting on
the side of the road
In the middle of nowhere ♪
Sounds awfully familiar.
Mmm. But it's good, though.
This is one god-forsaken road.
I'll bet you no one
ever comes down it.
Yeah, well,
they won't stop though.
Hi there.
Bet you need a jack.
I spun around,
and the next thing
that happened was
he came as 100 mouths,
open and stinking with decay,
and he tore at my flesh
from every angle of heaven.
So I grabbed Beelzebub's
blue tongue in my fist.
Whoa, man.
Who's Beelzebub?
Beelzebub is Satan.
Oh. Satan.
Michael,
get in the car.
What'll it be, folks?
Do you have pie?
Do we have pie?
Buddy, you're in
the pie capital
of America.
Well, we want pie.
What have you got?
I got them memorized.
Okay, ready?
We got apple, of course,
banana cream,
coconut cream,
sour cream raisin.
We got--
Chocolate cream?
Definitely
chocolate cream.
And strawberry
rhubarb pie, and
cherry, and lemon meringue.
We want two slices
of everything.
And vanilla ice cream
on the side.
- You got it.
- Thank you.
Mmm. Chocolate. Oh.
Ah. Bliss. Bliss.
That's banana cream
and that's coconut.
Everybody get out of
my banana cream pie.
That, that's the pie.
What is this?
What is this pie?
That's the sour cream raisin.
Very underrated pie.
Lemon meringue pie.
This isn't key lime.
Mmm-mmm.
Lemon meringue.
What is it
about pie?
It's pretty, you know?
There's nothing
prettier than pie,
with the little
scalloped edges
around the sides
and those slits in the top
for the heat to escape.
Pie gives you the sense that
you're a four-square person
living in a
four-square country.
Well, pie says home.
As American
as apple pie.
I wish I invented pie.
I did.
I'm just kidding.
That was a good one.
God's in his heaven,
and all's right
with the world.
Mmm. My mother
made a great--
Blueberry pie.
Yes.
So do I.
I have to say,
I like cream pie
more than fruit pie.
Me too.
That is so wrong.
I like them all.
I like you.
Mmm.
Dorothy.
Sing your song
about pie.
You have a song
about pie?
Actually, I do.
Sing, Dorothy.
Now.
♪ Pie, pie
♪ Me, oh, my
♪ Nothing tastes sweet,
wet, salty, and dry
♪ All at once
so well as pie
♪ Apple, pumpkin,
mince and black bottom
♪ I'll come to your place
every day if you've got 'em
♪ Pie, me, oh, my
♪ I love pie ♪
That's great.
Sing another song.
Oh.
It's in b-flat.
It's pretty basic,
but watch out
for the guitar
down there, okay?
Oh.
Hi. I'm nervous.
Oh, this is, um--
You'll have to forgive me.
It's a work in progress.
Don't apologize,
Dorothy. Okay.
Okay.
One, two.
Yeah!
Whoo!
And then when
I went to college
I was published.
You were published?
Yeah, I was published.
I mean, well, kind of.
You know, it's
like a yearly thing.
Poems, you know?
Yeah, that's great.
That's great.
Uh, it's really great.
It's cold.
Yeah.
I'm in there.
This is Huey's room, so...
Where are you?
I'm in four.
Where is that?
It's up there.
Where exactly?
On the corner.
On the corner
right there?
Mmm-hmm.
Directly over
my room?
Um...
You were great.
Really great.
Um...
It was...
Good night.
Yeah. Good night.
It was...
What are, uh, what are
you doing tonight?
Not much.
You wanna
come to my room?
Why don't you
come to mine?
That's...
That's a good idea.
I have to tell
you something.
I know.
I'm not--
Ever falling in love
with anyone again.
I know.
Okay, okay.
Okay, oh, okay.
Come on,
Sparky. Come on.
Come on.
Yes.
Wings?
Far out!
Some angel.
I needed the job.
Good morning.
What exactly are we
talking about here?
At the paper.
That's what I was trying to
tell you last night.
That's why I'm here.
I don't make excuses
for working there.
There's no reason
for you to.
Here's a confession.
You wanna hear
a confession?
Yours?
I needed the job, too.
No one would
go near me after what
happened at the Tribune.
What did happen?
Oh.
I hit the managing editor.
Why?
He fired this really
sweet old guy
who'd been there
for, like, 27 years.
Really?
Nope.
He changed my lead.
You hit him
because he changed
your lead?
No.
It was late.
I was drunk.
How I see it,
it makes no difference
where I work.
Now that's what I call
a lie. I bet you have
a half-finished novel
in the second drawer
of your desk.
She got the desk.
Are you keeping
something from me?
I'm not ethical.
Just because you
write about angels
for a supermarket
tabloid?
Are you keeping
some angel experience
from me?
If you are,
I forgive you.
I think I could
forgive you anything.
This was not a mistake.
Don't say that you think
this was a mistake.
I couldn't bear it.
It's going well.
It's a difficult
case, though,
to give a man
back his heart.
Mmm.
Listen.
Listen to the earth.
Mmm. I'm gonna miss
everything so much.
You gotta
remember, Sparky,
no matter what
they tell you,
you can never
have too much sugar.
Dorothy.
Quinlan.
Good morning, Michael.
Good morning, Sparky.
Sparky, no!
No!
Oh, he's all right.
He's all right.
He's all right.
No.
Oh, I killed him.
It's not your fault.
It's all my fault.
I'm so sorry, Huey.
I'm so sorry.
You didn't
do anything wrong.
Do something.
It isn't my area.
What is your area?
Explain it to me.
Would somebody tell me
exactly what is his area?
I don't know anything
about his area.
That's what I've been
trying to tell you.
What?
I don't know
anything about angels.
I'm a dog trainer.
That's why I was hired.
To train Sparky?
And then--
Then after...
We screw up with the angel,
and Malt gets the dog...
I get Huey's job.
I didn't know you.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, too.
Now bring him
back to life.
And don't give me
any of that "it isn't
my area" stuff.
Bring him back to life,
or go back
where you came from.
Bring him back.
Angel.
I don't
have much longer.
Ohh.
Ohh.
Ohh.
Ohh.
We're here, Michael.
We're here.
Michael, look up.
The Sears Tower in
Chicago is the world's
tallest building.
It stands 1,454 feet
above street level,
contains enough concrete
for an eight lane highway.
Ohh.
Ohh.
Ahh.
Quinlan,
I'm so sorry.
I didn't do
what I came for.
I didn't finish.
I'm so sorry.
Um...
Good-bye.
Good-bye, Michael.
Thank you for everything.
Thank you for letting me
have a little fun.
Good-bye,
my battling friend.
Good-bye,
world's biggest
angel.
Godspeed.
Ohh.
You're late.
We know.
Where's the angel?
Yeah,
it was a hoax.
A hoax?
- A hoax.
- Definitely a hoax.
He had detachable wings.
And a halo made out
of pipe cleaners.
And he smelled
of cookies.
Just kidding.
So, I win.
You're fired,
and I get the dog.
Come here, Sparky.
Come on,
my little sausage.
You come
to your daddy.
Come on--ow!
Bastard!
Sparky, come on.
Listen, Sparky--
Sparky!
- Don't hate me.
- I love you--ow!
Gee!
Hey, listen,
get the mutt out,
will you?
Oh, right. Like that dog
could be gotten out,
like that dog
can do anything.
That is the worst dog
I think I've ever met.
I thought you said
you could train
any dog.
She was wrong.
Are you saying I'm
stuck with these two
because of a dog?
You're stuck
with Mr. Driscoll,
not with me.
We met a guy with
a two-headed chicken
outside of Cedar Rapids.
Yeah. Okay.
Hey, where
are you going?
Hey! Quinlan!
Hey!
Hey, Quinlan!
Where
are you going?
Hey! Get off of me!
Get--get back!
Listen, Quinlan,
whatever I said. Don't--
Don't take it
personally.
You're the best
reporter I have.
I'm out of here.
Hey!
So you're just
gonna leave?
Yup.
You don't wanna
talk about it?
Nope.
Hey, come on,
talk to me, eh?
Well, disagree with me.
Argue me out of it.
All right,
let's have a fight.
Come on, fight me, eh?
Hey, Quinlan, you're
the only one that ever
fought with me here.
Who am I going to fight with?
You got to
help me out here.
It isn't my area.
Wait!
I'm sorry.
Please stop.
Please stop
and talk to me.
I appreciate what
you said up there.
I thank you.
I'll see you around.
You said--
You said you could
forgive me anything.
I forgive you.
We had a good time.
What are you
so upset about?
Oh.
It's you.
I remember you.
I thought
you were gone.
Uh, good evening. Buona sera.
For our specialties
tonight, we have
angel hair pasta
with a pomodoro sauce,
cappellini primavera,
a melange of vegetables
over angel hair pasta,
and finally, a light sauce
with lemon and parsley
tossed with
angel hair pasta.
Anything else?
Yes, we want one
pumpkin nut muffin,
and?
A piece of
angel food cake.
They don't have
angel food cake,
do you?
No.
So, did you ever
tell anyone about...
I was going to.
Oh, I couldn't
wait to get home
to tell Valerie.
And then I
opened my mouth,
and the words
wouldn't come out.
I'd take a breath,
I even opened
my mouth a second time.
Nothing.
As far as I'm concerned,
it never happened.
Oh, but we saw it.
We were there.
It never happened.
So what
are you up to?
I'm back on the novel.
If it didn't happen,
where's your raincoat?
"If it."
What is this?
"If it happened?"
If it happened,
you know what?
Then I've got to
believe that someday
I'm going to be
walking down the street
and some unknown force is
going to make me turn right
instead of turning left,
and, at that moment,
a car is going to come
around the corner
with the woman
of my dreams in it
and blow a flat.
Right there,
next to where I'm standing.
No.
It never happened.
Need any help?
No, thanks.
No, we're cool.
Michael!
Michael, wait!
Ohh!
What are you
doing here?
I live here. I live
two blocks from here.
I was on
my way home and,
I thought I saw--
He came around
this corner.
That corner.
I love you, Dorothy.
I love you.
Marry me.
No.
Marry me, please?
No.
Marry me, Dorothy.
No.
Oh, my darling Dorothy,
will you marry me?
Yes. Yes.
Let's go home.
You know, Pansy,
I invented marriage.
Michael.
Well, I did.
Before that,
you should have seen it.
Everybody was so mixed up,
they didn't know what to do.
So I said,
"Have a ceremony."
Hmm.
Let's go home.
Do you
smell something?
There's
a bakery near here.