Miami Models (1994) - full transcript

(Multicom Jingle)

- Now you make love to Helmut.

Good, here we go, you ready?

Yeah, make love to the camera.

♪ Miami Models ♪

- Good, good now you drip the juice

on the bosoms, good.

And you rub that, not too hard.

You're rubbing them a
little too hard for Helmut.

'Cause you're looking beautiful,

but you are looking, good, okay,



now we're gonna drip a little bit of this

on the belly button.

I like this.

Yeah, the wet look, good.

Now make love to Helmut.

That was good, no, no, stop turning,

because in the lighting,

that we have to capture the focus,

and make the artwork.

Now, and you are turning over.

And you are killing my audience.

And Helmut is trying to
make love to all of you,

and you are just, ooh
that's a nice curve, yeah.

That's good, yeah.



Okay now I fire away with the camera,

and you make love to me.

Who's responsible for
the tan line titties?

Who sent this person?

I want the name of the agency, Loopi.

Yeah, you're going good.

Mm, more for me, please.

Oh yes, look, and you are bouncing across

the top of the glistening water,

making love to Helmut and Loopi.

Ya and you are going and
you are falling down,

and you're like oh, ooh.

♪ Miami models ♪

♪ And you could be ♪

- [Helmut] And you are jumping up

and you are like a sea otter
on the seaweed of life.

Coming toward Helmut.

Oh, you are gorgeous.

Oh, you're a petite little flower.

You are sexy.

Oh, oh I look good today
myself, as well, oh yeah.

Oh yes, Ingrid come closer
and then you are falling down.

That's good, but you.

Oh, now you crawl, good.

Crawl to Helmut.

Crawl onto your knees to Helmut.

Oh yes, you are so sexy.

Good, good.

You look beautiful today, you know that.

You do, you're gorgeous.

Next girl please.

(orchestral music)

(telephone ringing)

- Yes, hello?

Ah, Monsieur Grande.

Why, yes.

I'll be right there, thank you.

- Such perfection in nature.

Such beauty, such little value.

Ah, what is this?

Ah, Barry.

I leave for Paris at dawn for two months.

I'm most concerne about
my little children.

Barry.

- [Barry] Mm-hmm.

- I think that my orchidee,
my little children.

They're stressed, I'm concerned.

They lack something, I don't know what.

- Some clarity maybe.

- I think Barry, that perhaps you will

sing to them every single day.

I think you will sing La
traviata, you understand?.

- Perhaps I should fling
them off the balcony?

- I beg your pardon?

- I said how about if I
(sniffing) sing them Toscanini.

- Yes, yes, whatever you want.

Ah, my darlings I will miss you

like a flower misses a soleil.

- Like a french fry misses it's poupon.

- Like a frog misses his legs.

- Yes.

Barry, we leave at dawn.

- Dawn?

- At dawn.

(clock ticking)
- Oh, dawn?

(heavy snoring)

(alarm blaring)

(metal clanking)

(blowing raspberries)

(nose blowing)

(liquid dripping)

(Barry coughing violently)

(happy cheerful music)

- Les orchidees, Barry
remember les orchidees.

- [Barry] Yes sir, monsieur, jerk.

- Au revoir mes amis.

I shall return.

- Not for two months ass face.

(airplane engine whirring)

- Whoo, yeah!

Got the house, got the Rolls,

got the golds and got the ah.

(light rock music)

(horn honking)

(Barry yelling)

(jet ski engine whirring)

- Boy that was close, all
right, back, back yep.

(horn honking)

Rolls cruise.

We're gonna get a hundred thousand.

(horn honking)

Shh.

(Barry yelling)

(Barry whistling)

Uh-huh, hey cutie.

Yeah, nice dress.

Make that move, make that move.

Whoo, how you guys doing?

Breakfast on the beach, whoa.

Like the wheels?

Like the wheels?

Like the wheels?

How could you not like the wheels?

Hey guys, hey girls.

Want a little spin with the Barrymeister?

Little spin?

Hey, why walk when you
can cruise with me huh?

Yeah, operator?

I made a call and I think
I need a phone credit.

I was dialing 1-900-NIPS

and I got 1-900-TITS.

Yeah, I want nips not tits.

Okay, fine, redial, get the credit, good.

I told you I'd get the credit.

Whoa!

(water splashing)

(females moaning)

(dramatic music)

(tires screeching)

(doorbell buzzing)

(snoring loudly)
(farting loudly)

(Barry grunting)

Oh, uh, ah.

- [Barry] Hey, what the hell?

(singing foreign language)

(bed whirring)

Where is it, where's ...

(body thudding)

♪ Reputation ♪

♪ Perfect situation ♪

♪ When you drove down the street ♪

- [Barry] Shut that thing up.

♪ Trading places ♪

(doorbell buzzing)

- [Barry] Stop!

Turn it off!

♪ On the grapevine today ♪

- No, no!

Coming!

Who the hell is ringing the goddamn bell?

(jazz music)

Oh God.

- Hey dad.

- Junior.

- The one and only, home for the holidays.

- Holidays?

What?

What holidays?

I just sent you away to school.

What the hell are you doing home?

- So, where's the boss man, Mr. LeBaron?

- None of your business.

What are you doing home?

- Sit down Pops 'cause I don't think

you're gonna like this at all.

(glass clinking)

Better make that a double.

Remember that job I applied for

working with Models of
Eurotrash Productions?

Just imagine me with all those models.

- Let me get this straight knucklehead.

You quit college and you got a paying job

so you could be around broads.

- Yeah except in the business

we call them models not broads.

- You making some money.

- Yeah.

- They're gonna be beautiful
girls running all around here?

- I hope so.

- You paying me some rent.

- Wait a minute you're gonna
charge your own son rent?

- You know ...

(ice clinking)

Yeah, I think I could live with that.

- That's good.

Hey, I gotta go Dad, I'll see you later.

(jazz music)

- Look, do me a favor Junior.

Why don't you bring me back
some of those fancy magazines.

You know, Cosmo, Vogue.

- Oh, and the swimsuit issue
of Monster Truck Magazine?

- Yeah, that one too so I can't let

my fingers do the walking
if you know what I mean.

- [Junior] You got it Dad.

- My JR in howdy couture.

Man, whoever would've thunk it.

(Barry exhaling)

(upbeat music)

- [Helmut] Want to check
this because I think

I saw a dimple somewhere.

Yeah, and there's a dimple.
- Here's my schedule

for next week.

- [Helmut] Turn for me please.

Good, good.

Very nice.

- Try not to call me back to St. Tropez.

Now!

You too cabin boy.

- [Helmut] Yeah, good.

They go here, you know they really are.

- Junior.

- Yeah boss.

- Do you see what I see?

- [Junior] Yeah, some of the
hottest girls I've ever seen.

- No, Arizona Iced Tea.

Do you see this?

So, take her back to the camper.

- Now?

- No, tomorrow, now!

Out, out!
- Okay, okay!

- Loopi.

Loopi, Loopi.

Loppi I am your boss, but
you never listen to me.

Now please, bring to me
the 200 millimeter lens

you are holding, smearing
the glass with your fingers,

you Mediterranean cabin boy.

- Me llamo Loopi Ansopaz.

Always with the Mediterranean cabin boy.

Does this look like a boy to you?

- [Boss] Helmut.

- [Helmut] Yeah?

- We have 89 more setups to do today.

- Yeah, 89 is good.

Yeah, a number I like.

- Yeah, so move it babe, now!

- We're moving now.

- I'm gonna be an Oscar
winning film director some day.

- An Oscar winning
- Yeah.

- film director, wow.

Have you written your
acceptance speech yet?

- Well--

- I've taken acting lessons
and the first thing we

did was write our acceptance
speeches for best actress

and best supporting actress
depending on our areas.

- You know it's funny you should say that

'cause I'm casting for a film right now.

- [Model] Really?

- You would be perfect for.

I mean, you were born to play this part.

You look good.

I mean it has some full frontal nudity

and purely gratuitous sex

but you're a professional so I'm sure

you're cool with that, right?

- No problem.

- Okay.

- Junior, get your ass over
here with some coffee, now!

- She thinks I'm some kind
of gopher or something.

(upbeat music)

(chair thudding)

(man arguing in Spanish)

(horn honking)

- [Man] What's up man?

- Hey, look at that.

What do we got?

A quarter, catch it.

Good, you want a tip?

Start your college fund with that.

- You.

- Ladies, bonjour.

What are we doing?

Little drinks here out on South Beach?

Very, very nice.

Need someone to pay your bills?

What about buy you expensive jewelry?

You like that, don't you, hmm?

What about licking between your toes?

Hmm, you would like
that, I know you would.

You're all so beautiful.

And that over there, that's
my late model black Rolls.

I know you saw me drive up in

'cause I saw you checking me out.

- It's very late.

- Witty, very witty.

Hey, look I got frequent
flyer miles on my Sears card.

Why don't we go use that and
make a little oochie coochie.

Come on girls where you--

- [Woman] Come on.

(upbeat music)

- Yeah, hello.

Wife swapper?

I wanna talk to you about renting a broad.

So, how much for one in their 20s?

I want one with big silicone lips

and big silicone nips, yeah.

A tight ass for sure, perfect.

Ten thousand?

Are you nuts?

No broads worth ten grand.

Gimme a break, forget
it, you guys are crazy.

(everyone laughing)

- [Boss] Junior!

Get your ass over here
with some coffee, now!

- Oh!

(girls screaming)

(everyone yelling)

- You insect.

I will kill you.

I will disengorge your
organs, crush your vertebrae,

and slice you like a pizza.

And do you know why?

- It's because you're fired!

- No, you can't fire me because I quit!

- No, you're fired.

- No, I quit.

- Fired.

- Quit.

- Fired.

- Quit.

- Fired.

- Quit.

- Fired.

- I'm fired.

- Yeah, you quit, I mean
you, you're double fired!

(upbeat music)

(everyone yelling)

(jazz music)

- Hey Dad.

- Junior, what are you doing?

I thought you were working,
where are the babes?

- Yeah, well they sent me out
to scout new talent, you know.

- [Barry] You got fired didn't you.

- Yeah, but it wasn't my fault.

- Never is.

Look, sit down.

- Man, you should've seen
me with all those models.

In a week I could've been
a fashion photographer

and in a month I could've
been a film director.

- Yeah, and next year
President of the United States.

What would happen if you
were teamed up with somebody

who knew something about business?

- Like Donald Trump.

- Yeah, or Ivan Boesky.

- Wait a minute, are you
trying to say that you and me.

- Could get together in business

and maybe open our own modeling agency.

- That's the worst idea I've ever heard.

- Exactly, it's so bad it just might work.

- You're right.

- Yes.

- Darling, you're gonna love them.

They're all fresh faces just from Europe.

We're gonna go pick them up today.

Yes, we have Brit from England,
we have Babs from Texas.

Germany is, of course it's from Germany.

(horn honking)

I've to be honest,

yes, she just came off
the covers of Vogue.

Great, I want a car to
take me to the airport

at six to pick up the new girls.

- You like my pouf pouf?

I do a pouf pouf.

- Oh God I don't care
about your pouf pouf,

just go get me a car to pick up the girls.

Come on, shoo shoo shoo.

- [Man] But what about my pouf pouf?

(whimsical music)

(airplane screeching)

- [Junior] Hey, Dad,
there's a Swedish one they

were talking about let's get her first.

Oh there she is, that has to be her.

She's hotter than they said she was.

- [Barry] What is she
a ref, black and white.

Good, very nice.

- [Junior] Wow.

- [Barry] Blonde, uh huh, she's the one.

- Hi, we're here from the
agency to pick you up.

- This is nice.

- Here, let me get your bag.

- Wow.

- Hey, what's you're name sugar lips?

- My name?

Oh, my name.

My name is Inga.

- Inga?

- I am from Sweden.

- Nah, that will never work if
you wanna work in this town.

From now on your name is Zinga.

- Zinga?

- Zinga, now that's a classy name.

- [Barry] Yeah.

- Oh.

- Come on, get in.

- [Zinga] Okay.

- [Barry] Zinga, Zing
yourself in this car dear.

You're, beautiful.
- Wow, this is nice.

- [Barry] Yes it is,
almost as nice as you.

So I bet you like Aquavit huh?

- [Junior] Dad wait,
real models don't drink.

- Oh yeah, I drink all the time in Sweden.

- [Junior] Okay Dad, the
next one we have to get is,

oh the German one.

That's one of those airlines.

- [Junior] Gosh, she is there.

- You're late.

- [Barry] Hold on cutie.

- This one's a looker.

(speaking foreign language)

- Hey maybe you and I can
have some bratwurst sometime.

- Who is this schwank?

I'm going to report him to the agency.

- Really, I am the agency.

(airplane engine roaring)

(whistling loudly)

- [Barry] Man, she's got legs that go

all the way to the alps.

- I don't care what your name is Fraulein.

From now on your name is Legs, come on.

- [Barry] Welcome.

- [Michael] He he, he he.

- [Barry] Virgin Atlantic, let's go there.

- Hi, we're from the agency.

Let me see if your name is on the list.

- Of course it's on the list.

It's Brit, I'm on the list.
- Brit.

Okay, here you are.

- Thank you.

- [Barry] Hop on in.

Oh there's no room.

- I got it.

- [Barry] It's a little tight there.

- Sorry.

- [Barry] Slide on in here Brit.

- [Junior] Slide right on in.

- Why do I feel like I'm in
between a rock and a hard place?

- Well, I don't know about the rock

but I can definitely tell you about the--

- Dad, haven't you ever heard about

sexual harassment in the workplace?

- Heard about it?

I invented it.

- [Brit] Oh God.

(Brit gagging)

- Can you tell me where we are?

- No I'm sorry, no Ingles.
- Hey, here she is.

- Hi, excuse me, can y'all tell
me is this Miami or Chicago?

- [Junior] This is Miami.

We're from the agency.

- Hi.

- Hi, how you doing?

Do you have a name?

- Babs.

- [Barry] Babs?

Why don't we make that Boobs?

- Cool it Dad.

- No, Babs.
- Lemme get that for you.

- Babs is fine, Babs will do.

- Why don't you and
your friends hop on in.

- Hi, y'all.

- [Girls] Hi.

- [Junior] Give it a rest.

- [Girl] Hi.

- Okay, settle in.

We're off to see the wizard.

(birds chirping)

- Well here we are, at the mansion.

- Home sweet home.

- [Barry] Home sweet home.

(upbeat rock music)

- Juan.

- Hey, senor Barry.

You going to take care of me, eh?

If not, I'm going to tell the big one.

- Girls this is the B And
B Models corporate yacht.

Pretty hot.

This is the pool heated in the winter

and cooled in the summer.

Girls these are the tennis courts.

Feel free to use them anytime.

Nice shot, Dad.

Girls this is the hot tub.

Try to avoid going in
there during feeding time.

Trust me on that.

Hey, Dad living large huh?

Girls, this is it.

- Wow.

- [Barry] This is your new home.

- I love it.

- [Barry] It's huge isn't it.

(girls chattering)

(luggage falling)

(models laughing)

Get up you idiot.

Girls this is my living room

and it's your bedroom.

- So where do we sleep?

- Pick a couch, any couch will do.

I want you to consider
me your long lost uncle.

I want you all to know
that you can count on me,

that there will always be an
open bedroom door to my room.

- And now the house rules
are really basically simple.

First, try to respect each
others food, makeup, clothes,

and privacy but secondly,
and most importantly of all,

no guys ever, never, ever,
ever under any circumstances

without exception, instant
firing will follow.

Don't even think about it.

- What about bedroom checks?

I think we should have bedroom checks.

Absolutely, don't you think
bedroom checks would be good?

Yeah, we need that.

- Dad, I know the girls are sexy

but this is supposed to be a business.

- Fine look, I'm the
businessman here right?

In this business we have an expression.

It's called mixing business with pleasure.

(intense upbeat music)

(models chattering)
(models laughing)

- Hey, that's my bed.

- Honey, I deserve the
biggest and the best

and the biggest is always
the best in men and in beds.

Get your stuff.

(loud hammering)

All right, you watch out
bitch because I am going to

be more famous than you.

- And how are you gonna do that?

- By sleeping with the
right man of course.

- (gasps) Sleeping with
the right ... (scoffs)

I'm gonna reach the top of the world

by sleeping only with the
man I intend to marry.

(kissing loudly)

- Intend to marry?

Girl are you crazy?

What if he has other plans?

You know like loving you
and then leaving you?

- No, not my man.

Believe me I can spot them.

- Do you love him?

I love him very, very much.

- Then I think you ought to marry him

and have babies right away.

- [Model] What?

- Did I say something wrong?

- What do you do with all of this?

- I use them.

You see I'm going to be an actress.

Modeling is only a step
towards a silver screen for me.

- What does modeling
have to do with acting?

- Directors sleep with models

and until you go out with a director

and sleep with him you'll
never be an actress.

So what are you doing here?

- Some guy stopped me
on the street in Surigao

and offered me a ticket here.

He never asked if I'd modeled before.

- Oh, so have you?

- No.

- No?

- No.

- So, you've never modeled before?

- No.

- That's all right, we'll teach you.

(models laughing)

- Girls.

Zinga bring the shaving cream.

Babs bring your brassieres
and bring stuffing,

lots and lots of stiffing.

It's all right we'll teach you.

- Well first when go get a job
it's called see go, go-see,

and you have to dress up like a model.

- You mean in high heels
and a tight dress right?

- No, no, no, no, no, forget that stuff.

Trendy, funky clothes.

Hop hip, hop rap, these clothes.

- Yeah, yeah, and when
you see someone you know,

like a makeup artist or
photographer, even if you

don't remember their names
they breathe all over you

and they got really stinky
breath you've got to go

up to them you go,

"Oh, it's so good to see you, oh!"

(kissing loudly)

Wow.

- Oh God, and don't forget to
tell them they look fabulous.

- Oh yeah, you look great.

- Even if you don't remember their names.

- But what do I do if I get a job.

- Ah, that's the easy part.

Just act like a model.

- And when you get a fashion
show, it's called runway, okay.

Now line up, line up.

And this is what you do.

Ready, boobs out, butt
in, put your head up

and cop a big attitude like Iman.

Ready, and strut, strut,
strut, strut and turn,

okay, strut, strut, strut, strut and turn.

Okay, now you try go ahead.

Go strut, strut, strut, strut and turn.

- [Model] Yes.

- [Model] And strut, come
on, strut, keep going.

Strut, strut, and oh, good.

- Was that good?

- [Model] Oh it was great,
beautiful, beautiful.

(models clapping)

(cat call whistling)

- Hey, hey, now how's that for new talent?

Check it out.

- Whoo wee baby I feel
a love thing coming on.

- They're walking right past us

and didn't even say hello, huh.

- Hey, hey, I love you and you and you.

Oh my God I think I'm gonna faint.

- [Model] Miami Beach
looks so small on here.

- Oh, but that's because it's a map.

It's much bigger in real life.

- Hey, guys look there's Barry, come on.

- [Model] Oh.

- This is disgusting.

- [Models] Ew.

- How are ya?

Good to see ya.

Welcome to.

- [Model] B And B Models.

- Yes, that's right.

Barry and Barry.

(Barry exhaling)

Buns and boobs.

Whoo, I love this business.

(upbeat music)

(models chattering)

- [Junior] Oh hey girls.

- [Models] Hi.

- Okay everybody line up.

Zinga, eyebrows.

I want those eyebrows
plucked into a thin line.

Otherwise, you're looking really good.

And you, Brit, you have great skin tone

but don't hide it under all that blush,

you know just a little bet.

Legs, Legs, don't show
so much leg on go-sees.

Make them ask to see those.

No, make them beg to see those.

Whoa, is that real?

- But of course it is.

- That watch is worth at least $5,000.

- [Fab] So?

- You know, if they think
you're rich you won't work.

- [Barry] Yeah, I'll take that.

- Dad, Dad, I got it.

Just take it off later.

- Yeah, later.

- Good, very good.

No, sorry.

(spitting)

Ladies, you are on the hottest
fashion scene on the planet.

Right in the epicenter.

I mean Claudia, Paulina,
Naomi, they're all here.

- So, how much money do we get?

- Yeah, okay, let's talk about that.

See this is how it works.

First, we query up by the day.

Unlimited mileage and
unlimited cleavage, mm-hmm.

Now, there is 20% that we
take out for deductible.

There's 18% for wear and tear,

then of course, there's 45%

to maintain this lavish
palace, then of course,

there's state and local taxes,

there is tax, tag and title.

Price is subject to change.

Void where prohibited by law.

Excuse me, any questions?

Good, I didn't think so.

Barry Junior.

- Thank you Barry Senior.

The bad news is girls,

you're all gonna need new portfolios

if you wanna work in this time.

The good news is, I'm gonna
show all your new pictures.

- Yes but, there will be a small charge.

- How small?

- $500 per girl.

- You've got to be shitting me.

- Babs, high fashion models do
not use the term shitting me.

- I don't even have
(speaking foreign language).

- Don't worry girls, don't worry,

we'll work with you, okay?

Listen, you just pay us
what you can for now,

and we'll take the rest
out of your residuals.

- Along with the rent for the mansion.

- [Models] Rent?

- But don't worry, $500 an hour,

you girls will be making that much money

in no time at all.

- [Model] All right.

- Okay now everybody, let's
go shoot your new pictures.

(upbeat music)

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,

that's looking good.

Okay get it off the shoulder a little bit.

There you go, oh this is good.

(camera shutter clicking)

Oh this is great, you can't screw this up.

Give me the Twin Towers, come
on give me some real estate.

Don't worry, this will
strengthen your thing.

Oh yeah, oh yeah, come
into me baby, lean into me.

Looking good, oh yeah.

Oh this is good, this is ...

(girl screaming)

(upbeat music)

- Oh looking fabulous and lovely,

stand up the hair, I like it like that.

Come up on the hair.
- Ultimately

you have to handle this.

- [Loopi] Come up with the hair,

I like it like this, pouf, pouf.

- It looks like electric shock therapy.

- [Loopi] We'll try dreadlocks later.

- Go on.

- I don't know, maybe, maybe not.

No, it's big hair, that's what it is.

Lackluster really.

Knock that off.

- Loopi.

- You look like funny name man,

the bald headed TV, Luke Perry.

You know I think maybe perhaps,
maybe we do the tuck, tuck.

- Loopi, you are the one
who said no tuck, tuck.

- [Loopi] Okey-dokey, no tuck tuck.

- Get in here, what--

- I got it, I got it.

- Let me see that.

- I can't believe it.

- Hmm.

- This is good.

- We're in business.

- [Junior] Here are your
new go-see lists girls.

I made copies for each one of you.

- And here are your new portfolios.

- [Junior] And you'll notice
that I'm using an avant garde,

nuevo art deco style,
which Helmut Newton and I

are at the cutting edge of this new look.

I think you'll really like 'em.

- Yes, and as the cop
on the TV says girls,

go out there and get
'em, before they get you.

- [Model] Helmut, don't you
think this is a little too much?

- [Helmut] No, no, no
touch, no touchy here.

(workers chattering)

I'm shooting from the ground up

and the sunlight is coming
into the shadow, hello.

- [Loopi] Who is this person?

- Yeah, I'm wondering about this myself.

- Is this for models, ya.

- No, it's a dog show stupid.

(everyone laughing)

- [Helmut] And she has a sense
of humor on top of it all.

The sunlight is ...

(girl screaming)

Oh, oh my god, oh.

- I hope your dogs can swim then.

Now, where's the Queen Mother?

- Hey boss, how you like my new look?

I think we might be
able to work with this,

the wet look.

- Good yeah, no out, no in, no out.

Yeah good, no, no, yeah good, good, hmm.

(upbeat music)

(man groaning)

- Legs, what?

(girl groaning)

- [Legs] Oh I'm sorry boss.

- It's okay.

- [Legs] Sorry.

- It's okay.

- I'm about to go to the casting
for a skating commercial.

- Don't worry, I'll teach
you a couple of things

about roller blading.

Okay, like this.

It's all in the waist, all in the waist.

Okay push out, okay go ahead.

You're doing great, you're doing good.

Wait Legs, watch out!

(Legs screaming)

Legs, are you okay?

(groaning) Whoa.

- See that was great.

- [Junior] Yeah you are great.

You know the problem is that your pair

doesn't have any bounce.

- What do you mean, I bounce.

- Yeah, but not like the new ones do.

You know, we gotta get you a new pair.

- You Americans always

want to replace everything, even breasts.

- Hey, I wasn't talking about your tits.

- Tits?

- You know hooters.

- Hooters?

- Melons, gazongas, jugs, no cones, knobs,

your breast, how 'bout breasts?

I wasn't talking about your breast.

- Would you like to?

- Well, you know I gotta go to work.

I'll see you later though.

- Okay, later we'll talk about my breast.

- [Man] You'll see, dogs
really love that food.

(dog growling)

- Onie, be a good
doggie, eat the dog food.

Be a good dog. (screams)

Bad doggie.

- [Bass] Hey, you can't do that.

- Ugh.

(engine revving)

- Is this a fisheye lens?

It looks to me like a fisheye lens, Loopi.

(upbeat cheery music)

If I wanted a fisheye lens,
I would ask for one, no?

- No.

- Yeah.

- Si.

- No, yeah.

- I think a fisheye lens.

- Now, where is the talent?

Where is the talent?

- Helmut.

- Oh, wonderful.

Take this trash off
please, show us your bosom.

Beautiful, yeah.

- I know you.

- [Brit] No you don't.

You probably wish you did.

- [Man] I'd remember that body anywhere.

You and your friends just
started working today.

- That's right, how'd you know that?

- It says so in the script.

- Oh.

- [Helmut] Yeah, I can see it,
yeah good, yeah this is it.

Yeah, oh yeah that's it.

Ooh, ooh, I really do look good today.

Ah, okay, yeah.

Just one more, next girl,
next girl please, yeah.

- Don't worry, I'll see you again.

- [Helmut] Yeah, beautiful.

Loopi, out, like old Helmut do his art.

Yeah good, beautiful,
look beautiful, yeah.

Oh sexy, good, yeah, good.

Work it, oh yeah.

(dramatic music)

- Si.

(glasses clanking)

Ooh.

- I can't believe it.

That stupid little dog tried to bite me.

It wasn't my fault.

- [Model] Hey.

- Hi.

- I found this wonderful new shop.

Want to see what I bought?

- [Model] Sure.

- You know I couldn't
find any of the places.

- Hi everybody, I just signed
for one of the commercials.

Junior taught me how to be good.

- [Model] I guess that means
you didn't get the job.

- [Man] Hey there.

- What, hi.

- [Man] I told you I'd see you again.

- Are you following me?

- [Man] Can I see your book?

Who shot these things, Ray Charles?

- Yeah, they're good, no.

- Junior says they look
like Helmut Newton.

- Helmut Newton, no, no, fig newton, yes.

(everyone laughing)

- Don't laugh at my book.

I have never been so
incredibly insulted, so rude.

- [Man] Hey, wait, just wait.

- No, don't make fun of our books.

- We can make it up to you okay.

I live with these three other guys,

and they were wondering if you girls

would have us over for dinner tonight?

- Yeah, you girls can cook the food,

serve it to us, and clean up,

while we drink beer and play
volleyball, how about it.

- What about the other two guys.

- Are they good lucking too?

- Shoot, I'd say we're good looking.

- Okay, what do y'all want to eat?

- Maybe a little sushi and some sashimi.

And maybe a little Dom
Perignon to wash it down.

- Yeah, and then we can have
some oysters on the half shell,

maybe a little bottle of Chardonnay,

some smoked salmon in there,

and then we get up to main course.

- Yeah.

- Filet mignon's great this time of year

with some artichokes, asparagus,

you know we can have a couple of

chocolate souffles and creme brulees,

before we go on to the vintage
ports and cognacs of course.

- Ooh all right.

- Okay, all right.

- Great, well we'll see
you girls tonight then.

- [Model] All right.

- All right, bye.

- Forget about it, we give
them beer and hotdogs.

In the meantime, we've got
some important business

to discuss with our agency.

- We can't get work with these pictures.

Mine makes me look like a dumb blonde.

- Me too.

- Me too.

- Me too, I want my old pictures back.

- [Model] And I want my money back.

- I like mine, I think
Junior makes me chic,

like Hollywood movie, and I like that.

- Look, let me call you back.

Girls listen, JR, he's like that one eared

groomba guy, Van Gogh, do
you remember his painting?

The Scream, oh the power of
that image, unbelievable.

He is an artist.

Now, don't question me or him,

go, out of here, please.

- I think you're right.

- I know I'm right, thank you Legs.

- Dad, I just passed
the girls in the hall,

they really looked pissed.

What did you do to them now?

- Look, they hate their books

and you didn't get them any work today JR.

- 'Cause nobody has any vision, any taste,

any appreciation of art.

- Art, like what?

- Like this bike, this bike
is made of Russian titanium,

pla-ta-nium, uranium,
the best money can buy.

- Yeah, you mean the best bike

the girl's money can buy JR.

- Corporate travel, it's a
legitimate business expense.

- [Barry] Is that right?

- Yes.

- Well speaking of expenses,

I'm doing some traveling myself kid.

- [JR] Where you going?

- Look, I'm outta here,
I can't bone these girls,

I ain't making any money,

what the hell am I doing here, huh?

- Wait, wait, wait, I
mean where are you going?

You haven't even heard
the master plan yet.

- The master plan, I'll
give you the master plan.

I'm gonna rent some dirty movies

and then I'm going home
to hook up my blowup doll

to the vacuum, that's the master plan.

- Okay, so I guess you don't want to make

some major buckanagas with me.

- Major buckanagas, what do you mean?

- Come here.

(Junior whispering)

Send their girls out.

- You can do that?

- Hey, am I Barry Junior or what?

- I don't know, but if you pull that off,

that'll be unbelievable.

I'll issue you some major stock warrants,

some convertible dentures,
and until we go public,

you'll remain the schmuck, okay.

- Sure Dad.

- Perfect.

♪ Ooh yeah, ooh yeah, ooh yeah ♪

♪ Ooh yeah, ooh yeah, ooh yeah ♪

♪ Ooh yeah, ooh yeah, ooh yeah ♪

- Swedish right?

- How did you know?

- Psychic I guess.

- It's better if you play with two.

- Wow, where did you learn
how to play like that?

- UK.

- What?

- United Kingdom.

- Is that in Ohio?

- England.

- Oh England.

- Right.

- Okay.

- Where'd you learn how to play?

- UVA, you know it's
University of Virginia.

That's the UV, I don't
know what the A's for.

- So you do a lot of
sporting commercials, right?

- Obviously you didn't notice my ass.

- [Both] Jean commercials.

- So why do you preppies wear
those wide rim glasses anyway?

- Are you talking to me?

- Yes I am preppy.

- Catch.

Hey, just because I'm
a preppy from Boston,

doesn't make me a bad guy.

- Really, well I bet you
wear those preppy underwear,

you know, the kind that
gets all bunched up

between the cheeks when you stand up.

(man groaning)

- Wanna see my role book?

- Wow, this is some great shots.

Can I tell you something?

You look a lot better in person.

- You're not just telling me that

'cause you want to get me in bed are you?

- Actually yes I am.

Did I tell you I was studying
to be a veterinarian?

- [Girl] Really?

- Yeah.

- I love animals, I almost
married one last year.

- Really, me too.

(everyone laughing)

(men yelling)

- [Man] Whoo, here we go.

(everyone cheering)

(water splashing)

(man yelling)

(jazz music)

- Obviously you can get it in
huh, let's play strip poker.

- [Man] Here we go.

- Wait, wait, wait, I
think I hear Junior's call.

We better get inside.

- What, you girls turn into vampires

at sunset or something?

- Junior says that if we
show up late for casting,

they call us ragged.

- Buy hey come on, we don't have

to even work tomorrow, so let's party.

- [Man] Hey Junior, come on, let's party.

Come on Junior, come on.

- I'd like to, but sorry
guys, I'm management now

and these girls have got
to get their beauty sleep.

They have a lot of work tomorrow.

- How'd we get a lot of work?

- Well just trust me okay.

I'll give your girls your
go-sees in the morning,

but you gotta go to bed.

- [Model] I feel like
we live in a monastery.

- [Model] Come on girls.

- You gonna play?

- How many cards in strip poker?

- I don't know.

- Just deal.

- I told you Chantal is booked to do

the Eu de monde perfume commercial

at the Majestic at 10, right.

Yes Christy is also booked at 10.

Yes, she is doing the Lamborghini shoot,

12 Street Beach, yes, 12 Street Beach.

- Yes.

- Paulina's booked to do the
Harley Davidson commercial.

Yes, it's a national, I
told you that yesterday.

She's wearing some sort of thong.

I don't know that they change it.

(upbeat music)

- All right Fab, here it is.

- [Junior] Okay, you go in here

for the Eu de monde perfume commercial.

- [Fab] All right.

(everyone cheering)

- [Junior] Oh Fab, you're booked
under the name of Chantal.

- Bye Fab.

- Bye.

- [Junior] Knock 'em
dead babe, go get 'em.

- All right girls, you wait here.

Barry will be right back, okay?

- [Junior] So girls, it
must feel great to know,

that you're on your way to
becoming world famous models.

Stay with B And B Models,
we'll take you far.

- Okay Legs, you're
booked here as Christy.

Don't even ask why, just get
in there and use your legs.

- You're late Christy, come
on, makeup's waiting for you.

- [Both] Yes.

- Christy.

- Yes.

- Sorry babe, you were
late and they canceled you.

- What, nobody cancels me.

- Wrong, you've been dumped, too bad.

Look I've got an eight seater
jacuzzi over at my mansion,

why don't me and you go over
there and crack a little--

- [Junior] Come on Dad,

we've got three more deliveries to make.

- Canceled me.

Hmm.

- What do you mean they
canceled the shoot?

They can't possibly
cancel the shoot on us.

(phone ringing)

Would you just hold on
a minute, just wait.

Hello.

What, that's impossible.

They wouldn't dare say that you were late.

I mean you are never late.

Would somebody get me Helmut,

there is something definitely wrong here!

♪ Miami models ♪

- Ah Barry Junior, the
sweet bubbles of success.

I love it.

♪ Miami models ♪

- It's great.

I feel like I'm sitting on Easy Street.

- Wrong you knot head,
that's a jacuzzi jet.

- Oh.

- [Barry] I love it sitting here,

while our girls are out
there on the street,

just making us globs of money.

♪ So go with the smoke
and let out the steam ♪

♪ Everything seems before our eyes ♪

♪ So hold on tight, enjoy the ride ♪

♪ Tomorrow seems so far away ♪

♪ We got to live today, today ♪

♪ Just roll back the
top and feel the wind ♪

♪ A hot wet time is about to begin ♪

♪ We got to sing, Miami models ♪

♪ Oh you could be, Miami models ♪

♪ We got a once in a lifetime
chance to score big time ♪

♪ 'Cause we got a once, Miami models ♪

♪ Oh check the palm, Miami models ♪

♪ We got the stuff that go with
this very precious find, ya ♪

(upbeat music)

(singing foreign language)

- Hey Legs, did you have a good time?

- I was shooting and working, yeah.

- Yeah, you know what, I wish
the other guys were here,

but if you can't be with
the one you love baby,

then go skinny dipping.

(girls screaming)

(crowd cheering)

♪ Here we go yo, smoke into the intro ♪

♪ Wait to attack, with
a hip-hop dance track ♪

♪ Took the time to get the time to rhyme ♪

♪ To make you dance,
prance, and lose your mind ♪

♪ Hip-Hop, and you ride
it to the tip top ♪

♪ No stop while we walk the right shop ♪

♪ We can be so smooth to make you move ♪

♪ On the dance floor
time to show the groove ♪

♪ Dance a mile yeah,
don't forget to smile ♪

♪ As your body spins like a turnstile ♪

♪ Round and round, up
and down to the sound ♪

♪ Everybody jump, jump, off the ground ♪

♪ Here we go, here we go, now check it ♪

♪ One, two, one, two, and I'll wreck it ♪

♪ Step to this, I ain't synth ♪

♪ I'm more of a recruit,
it's time to enlist ♪

♪ Get up to the boogie and dance now oh ♪

♪ Get up to the boogie
and then you go oh ♪

♪ Haile amigo ♪

♪ Get up to the boogies and dance now oh ♪

♪ Get up to the boogie
and then you go oh ♪

♪ Haile amigo ♪

♪ I'm 'bout to be alive yo ♪

♪ I've got a funky rhyme
that you can't deny though ♪

♪ With this jam I'm bringing instruction ♪

♪ A body sham and make a function ♪

♪ Rich or poor, they gone want more ♪

♪ As long as she's moving
on this dance floor ♪

♪ Moving it downtown, moving it uptown ♪

♪ You're on the floor
moving that butt around ♪

♪ Pump it down, down and up ♪

♪ Hey New York, you know what's up ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm standing
around, making a move ♪

♪ Feel the beat, feel the groove ♪

♪ After that it is up to you ♪

♪ Find a female you can step to ♪

♪ I don't speak Spanish
but I manage to know ♪

♪ You grab a ho, haile amigo ♪

♪ Get up to the rhythm and dance now oh ♪

♪ Get up to the boogie and then you go ♪

(girls yelling)

♪ Get up to the rhythm and dance now ♪

- Hey!

♪ Get up to the rhythm and make you go ♪

(upbeat music)

- Zeesh, you sure could
use a shave there honey.

- Hey Legs.

- Hi.

- Still no boyfriend?

- No, not yet.

- No.

- I'm not really looking for one.

- That's a shame, 'cause I'm
looking for a girlfriend.

- Who would want you?

- I lost count.

- [Photographer] Your
wardrobe, it is perfect,

it fits you so well, yes, so wonderful.

It cut you in all the right places.

Oh, oh yes, Mr. Pazetti and his group

have done such wonderful work.

We will shoot you and you'll
never be shot like that again.

It is very, oh.

- Is, is this the lingerie shoot?

- Yes Zinga, it is, and
we have been waiting.

Suzie Q, Mademoiselle Suzie
Q has been waiting for Zinga.

Zinga, Suzie Q, now ladies
let Mr. Pazetti do his magic.

Suzie, you here.

Uh-huh, Uh-huh, yes, okay.

Now we will put you in here, Uh-huh.

Come, come Zinga, sit with Suzie.

There we go, we want you
to get, uh-huh, like this.

Like that, there.

No, I don't think we, okay.

Okay, I'll let you girls

just work on it yourself for Mr. Pazetti.

Let's put you guys in the camera.

Perfect, yeah, this will not do.

We need, Pazetti magic is what we need.

Okay, I think what I
must do is take this here

and we put up here, and then uh-huh,

and then yes, this is good, good.

- I knew it, I knew it, it's you, you pig!

- Yes.

- [Suzie] What's her problem?

- Don't know, it is me,

and I am the great Pazetti.

We were making art, weren't we Suzie.

Yes, uh-huh, yes indeed.

Let's take some more pictures.

- [Photographer] Take that
shoulder up, other way.

- [Man] Turn around, that's it, lovely,

nice, that's wonderful.

That's it, come on, be good.

- [Man] That's lovely, come on.

- [Man] Come on you can do this.

- [Man] Yeah, beautiful.

All right, come up on the handlebars.

Yeah, that's beautiful.

- [Police] Excuse me, excuse me.

- [Man] That's it, come on.

- What are you doing?

- Somebody called in indecent exposure.

- [Man] Is there a problem here officer?

- Yes, excuse me.

That's a violation of
statute 12345 and six,

not to mention 69.9 of the penal code.

- Nobody ever called me indecent before.

- I'm not saying you're indecent,

I'm not even saying what
you're exposing is indecent.

As a matter of fact, it's kind of decent.

I'm just doing my job.

My job obviously is to give out tickets.

Now let me see your IUD.

- [Man] Officer, I'd like to
report a crime in progress.

- What are you talking about?

That is a crime in progress.

41-16, we have a 36-24-36,

with a size four top in progress.

Can you give me some back up units please?

- How about dinner?

- Okay.

(camera shutter clicking)
(upbeat music)

(silly dramatic music)

- This is my talent?

Loopi, this is my talent?

Makeup please, and the
dermatologist too maybe, huh?

Yeah, yeah I think so, Loopi.

- What?

- This is the talent you bring for me?

I can't work, I can't, no, I can't.

- Boss, boss man.

- Ya.

- This way, boss.

- Oh yes, this is beautiful.

Best boys please, turn the camera around.

Around we go.

Oh this is crazy.

Not that far, this way please.

Oh okay, here we go now.

Settle down, settle down.

On my cue, action, good.

(birds chirping)

Oh yeah, very good, cut!

Front line, you have
something better to do?

Would you like to join us?

You're looking here, you're looking there?

What, you don't want to work with

the great Helmut on movie, no.

You're looking here I see.

There's another commercial

you would like to be
in perhaps, over there?

Hmm, well what are you doing?

Sit back down and you are grabbing balls.

Will you hit anything, ooh incoming.

Ooh, mm.

- Yeah.

- Hey balls, hey boss I meant.

- Yeah.

- I think I have a hot flash.

- Of course you have a hot
flash, the sun is shining.

- No, no, no, a hot flash, a poof.

- Oh, the hot flash.

- Si, si.

- And yeah, do you know
why you have the hot flash?

- I don't know why, but I
think you're gonna tell me.

- Because you are Italian.

- Which one of you hags took my mousse?

- Shut up.

- [Girl] Those are mine!

- [Model] No it's not.

- You ate my cheese again.

- It's mine, all mine.

(girls arguing)

- Stop.

- All right, all right, that is enough.

That's enough!

Hold it, stop it.

Now come here, come here you guys.

Listen to me, now let's
pretend we're adults

and talk about this, okay.

You see we're all fighting
over nothing at all.

What's really the problem?

- The problem is, I haven't gotten paid

for any of the work I did.

- Me neither, and I have no money.

- Yeah, well I just got a
bill for rent from Barry,

can you believe that guy?

- Okay, then we all
agree, enough is enough.

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

- I think we should just quit
the agency until they pay us.

- Yeah, and pay us now.

- Yeah.

- [All] Yeah!

(girls cheering)

- Yeah, we will wrap up
yoga commercial on Friday.

We can't return that
equipment until Monday.

Ultimately, you're gonna
have to have security.

- Oh yes, yes.

- And if you can get equipment,
it will be Fuji stocks,

or design bags for the models.

(speaking foreign language)

- Oh, where's my pen.

- The set of TV, the rest
of these things, yeah.

Go to sleep, yeah,
(speaking foreign language).

That's good yeah.

- Junior, what the hells
all the commotion here?

- Huh, we're making a movie.

- Who's we, I see me and you knot head.

What are you French now, oui, oui,

you got a mouse in your pocket?

- Oh Dad, Dad, you and me.

I'm directing and you're producing

from an original script by yours truly.

If I could just find one
we could shoot in two days.

- So do you have one?

- Oh here's one.

A British Werewolf From
Miami, what do you think?

- A werewolf from Miami.

- [Junior] Yeah.

- Sounds like a story about Madonna.

- Nah, she's totally for the part.

But you know she does have
hair in all the right places.

- So what else you got there?

- This is a good one.

This one we can shoot in a weekend.

It's about your life Dad,
it's called Mr. Miami.

- Uh-huh, I like the way that sounds.

Let me take a look at that.

- Nah, it's garbage.

- What do mean it's garbage.

- It's garbage, it's just garbage.

Anyways, here it is,

this is perfection.

That is good.

- Perfection huh?

Ah, from Miami to Eternity,
sounds like a classic.

- Also known as Oscar's List.

- [Barry] Hmm.

- This is a film within
a film, within a film.

You see what I did was I
ripped off the climax scenes

of 40 Academy Award winning films

and I wove them into this top script,

spectacular cinematic images.

- Hmm, climax scenes huh?

Now that sounds interesting.

(girls chattering)

- We quit.

- I hate you.

- [Model] Swine.

- Junior, how could you do this to me?

- I'm tried of this rubbish, up your bum.

- And we're gonna sue
you for all you're worth.

- Fine, see you in small
claims court. (laughs)

- Wait, wait, you girls haven't even heard

about the feature film
I've been asked to direct.

- Yeah, the kid's got his big break.

And he wants to make you girls stars.

- Did you say stars?

- I did.

- You're lying.

- Uh-huh.

- Junior I'm so happy for you.

- I'll tell you what, you girls show up

at 8:00 a.m. Saturday morning

and you'll see if we're lying to you.

In the meantime I have
a copy of the script

for each one of you.

- Yeah, so why don't you
girls just take a script,

any script, and memorize a part, any part.

- And where's the money for this?

- Oh is that what this
is about, cash girls?

- Well here you go, see.

Hey, not so fast.

You girls are what we
moguls call, pay or play.

That's right, you pay, we play.

- Fab, here you go.

You get to play that
memorable role from Octagon,

I mean Octopussy.

And you, Cleopatra.

- But I thought Cleopatra was Egyptian.

- Well Cleopatra was Egyptian,

but Elizabeth Taylor was British.

And Zinga, you get to roll on
the beach, sex on the beach.

I hope it takes you from here to eternity.

And Babs, you've used a gun before right?

- Yeah.

- Good, 'cause you're
gonna get Bonnie and Clyde.

- All right.

- And Legs, fabulous Legs,

only you could play that
long-legged French Lieutenant,

I mean his woman.

(men sighing)

That was really a close call.

You know we really do have
to pay them this time.

- Oh yeah, well how do
you expect us to pay them.

You know we have to pay a film crew.

You know what I'm talking about,
those big guys with tattoos

who set things up, break things down,

snap people's necks,
and breaks their knees.

- I know, I know, I know.

Screw the writers, screw
the director, and--

- Yeah, but most importantly,
screw the talent.

(upbeat music)
(man snoring)

- You boys the weekend shift?

- That's right, 10-4,
over and out good buddy.

- They say this stuff's
worth over a million bucks.

Stay away!

- I think you had a little
too much coffee there Bill!

Hit the road, we got this baby covered.

- Go home and feed the dogs
Bill, we got it all, yee-haw.

(both yelling)

- Man, them trailer
parks, and a broken phone,

get us fired.

- Well the inbred thing.

- [Barry] I'm telling you what
we got here, here, Junior.

All right.

- [Junior] Well I'll be darn.

- Whoo hoo, we hit the
mother load Barry Junior.

- If this stuff is worth a million bucks,

you know we can get into some deep shit.

- Big shit, trouble, heaps, mounds of it.

- And action!

Okay Legs, you're awfully
close to the rocks.

You're looking for your lover.

You climb over these rocks, sand, grass,

anything looking for him.

The French Lieutenant
is never coming back.

You've got to make him wanna come back.

Show him your tits.

Okay let me see those tears.

He didn't break daybreak.

- Yeah, and he ate all
your croissants too.

- Dad, I am the director,

nobody talks to the
talent but the director.

- You're right you are the director.

- Thank you.

- But nobody talks to the
talent but the director

and the director's dad.

Now, act you bitch!

- Oh this is great, this is
great, keep rolling the film,

she's committing suicide.

(girls screaming)

- Oh my God, oh my God, she's
drowning, she's drowning!

- Perfect, we won't have
to pay her residuals.

(upbeat music)

(music drowning out speakers)

- And action.

Okay.

- [Barry] Show us more tits.

- [Junior] Okay, keep
rolling, keep rolling.

- I would not be able to do
this in the state of Denmark.

- Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn.

- And cut, I love it, I love it.

Classical dialogue, amazingly
main stream visuals.

And yet, and yet it's so Joe Eszterhas.

- Yeah, you're a regular Sneilberg.

(upbeat music)

(birds chirping)

- [Junior] Okay, and ninjas attack.

(people groaning)

Okay, good flip 'em.

And swing 'em, kick.

Yes, kick someone else.

Kick him, kick him in the sides, yes.

Yes, keep going and kick 'em, punch.

Kick him.

(people groaning)

Kick anyone, kick, kick.

And cut!

- Oops.

- Perfect, take two.

Also, show us more tits.

- And action.

Okay Clyde gets Bonnie out of the car.

You're scared, you're
nervous, the law is coming.

It's the final showdown.

And guns out, fire.

(gun firing)

(girl screaming)

And you're dying, you're dying.

You're dying, you're dead.

You're dying, and you're dead.

Dad, Dad, what do you think?

That was great.

That was good.

- It was good, but next
time show us more tits.

(relaxing music)

- This is fantastic.

You're in Venice, it's hot, you're dying.

This is great.

- Wrong, I'm in Miami Beach,

I'm hot, and you're dying.

Get yourself another actor, schmuck.

- This is the scene where Richard Burton

tells Elizabeth Taylor
how much he digs her.

All right, okay ready and action.

(soft music)

(girl coughing)

- Et tu, Et tu Burton.

- [Junior] Cut, cut, cut.

Your husband's name is Richard Burton,

his name is Brutus.

It's et tu Brutus, Brutus, Brutus okay.

Et tu Brutus, ready and action.

- That's him!
- Et tu Brutus.

- Arrest him officer right there.

That's that worm.

- Art, where are your papers?

- You little heterosexual smaller person,

nobody like you no more.

- Don't worry girls I'll be back,

this happens to the best of them.

Don Sells, the Brothers Cohen, Spike Lee,

you'll see, I'll be back.

- Well folks, I guess that's what

they call in this business a wrap.

Yeah, hello.

Wife Swapper, boy, have
I got some girls for you.

- No work.

- At least you have a boyfriend.

Junior won't even look at me.

- Who would hire us now anyway,

we're practically criminals.

- Oh come on girls, maybe after this one,

we'll all get work as an actresses.

- Yeah and in the meantime
where are our boyfriends?

- Well the last time I saw
Rod, he was chasing Legs.

- [All] Yes.

- He has the hots for Legs.

- I have an idea where
we can all have some fun

and teach those guys a
lesson they'll never forget.

- What is it?
- What?

- First we get a video camera.

- [All] Yeah.

- And then ...

Now you know what to do right?

- Yeah I know what I'm,
they're all the same.

- Okay, okay, go.

(jazz music)

Oh hi Rod.

- [Rod] Hi.

- Babs is out on a casting
today, so I was wondering,

would you like to help me
to try on some lingerie?

- [Rod] Yeah sure,
where's everybody else at?

- Oh they're gone, but you really think

that Babs wouldn't mind.

- You know actually, I'm sure
she'd want me to help you out.

I mean, that's what friends are for.

You know this could
definitely use some adjusting.

- [Model] Oh.

- And this definitely has to come off.

- [Model] Mm-hmm.

- So does this.

Slow down, your candid camera.

Hey I was only trying to help her out.

- I'll show you about being helpful.

- Well I just don't know where Fab is,

I mean she said she'll meet us here.

I haven't see her.

- Well that's all right,

I'm kind of enjoying being alone with you.

- [Model] Sting, you wouldn't
cheat on Fab, would you?

- Oh no, I'd never do that.

But I feel like being alone with you.

- [Model] Oh you naughty boy.

Keep your hand just like that
so Fab can focus the camera.

- Ah ha, so that's how much
a true Boston boy does it.

- Oh shit.

- Ooh Babs, those moves and my great body,

we're gonna make one great couple.

- You dance so well.

- That's not all I can do.

- Oh yeah, show me big guy.

- Ooh, now feast your eyes on this.

- Feast your eyes on this.

- Well at least they're all consistent.

- Ooh Eddie, it's so hot in here.

- Here baby, let me cool you off.

- Ooh, that's cold.

- [Eddie] Well I can
always lick it off for you.

- Uh, uh, uh, uh, before
you do that cowboy,

I think you better smile for the camera.

(water splashing)

(girls laughing)

(Junior breathing heavily)

- So is that what you
mean by no distractions?

- Look Legs, Legs, come on.

Now what do I do?

- [Girl] I'll show you.

- Jerk.

- I can't believe them.

- Focus on this.

- What a pig, what a pig.

(phone ringing)

Get that would you, would you get that?

Get that for me.

- And this definitely has to come off.

- Hello.

- [Girl] I just don't know where Fab is,

I mean she said she'll meet us here.

- No Steve I'm sorry, Babs busy.

Mm-hmm, yeah, bye-bye honey.

- [Girl] Ooh, that's cold.

- [Eddie] Well I can always lick it off.

- Uh, uh, uh, uh, not so fast cowboy.

I think you better
- Yeah.

Oh no I'm sorry Rod.
- Smile at the camera.

Babs out shopping again.

Oh yeah, I'll tell her you called, bye.

(phone ringing)

- Yeah.

Sorry Jeff honey, Brit's out.

- [Man] Now what do I do?

- [Girl] I'll show you what to do.

(phone ringing)

- Hello.

Eddie, no sorry, Zinga's
at the hair salon.

- [Girl] You've got to admit,

Jeff is amazingly good looking.

- [Jeff] That's not all I can do.

- Oh yeah, but he lacks sophistication.

- Are you kidding, Rod's the best.

- You're all crazy.

My cowboy is the best and you all know it.

- Give me that phone, I'm calling Jeff.

- No, no, no, no, I'm calling Steve.

(phone ringing)

- Hello.

- [Man] Ooh, feast your eyes on this.

- It's for you.

- [Girl] Feast your eyes on this.

- Yeah.

- [Girl] Well at least
they're all consistent.

- Sure, sure.

Junior wants me to be his date

for the premiere of the
movie tomorrow night.

(girls cheering)

- Oh good.

(upbeat triumphant music)

(lady snoring)

(people laughing)

(upbeat music)

- [Lady] Yes!

- You don't want to see it?

- No, I'm too nervous with
all these people around.

(everyone laughing)

(gun firing)

(girl screaming)

- Et tu Burton.

- I could not do this
in the state of Denmark.

- [Man] Frankly my dear,
I don't give a damn.

(man groaning)

(everyone laughing)

(audience booing)

- I'd like to thank my mother, my father,

my cousins, my drama
teachers, and basically--

(Helmut laughing)

- Oh you should submit that

to Germany's funniest home videos.

- I don't know for me, maybe a little bit

too so-so campy, si.

- No, take a walk.

- [Man] I'm getting
pooped, one of these days.

- [Junior] One of these days.

- I think they're tying his ponytail

just a little too tight.

- That's what happens when
you shoot non-union, worm.

- Bitch.

- I don't know which
one of you two did that,

but you might think of changing your name,

if you ever want to
work in this town again.

- Yeah well, maybe we'll
change it to your name.

- I'm sure you don't even know my name.

- Yeah what is it, shit for brains.

Hit the streets pencil neck.

- It's okay, they just
didn't understand it.

- Oh yeah, they understood
perfectly, it sucked.

- I'm through.

- Yes you are, and I'm out of here.

Oh and by the way Junior,

I think you should drop

that Junior thing at the end of your name.

Or you'll be hearing from my lawyer, son.

- Come on, let's get out of here.

- But where can we go, Havana?

- Listen to me, I liked your film.

- You did?

- Yes and I like you.

(romantic music)

- No kiss ever meant so much to me.

You know, I think I'm
falling in love with you.

- That's good, because I loved you

from the first day I saw you.

- Okay you lucky swines,

step on up, let's do some business then.

Let's begin to make your dreams a reality.

Ooh, let me think about this one.

You must be the prince.

- Yes Prince Ali Khan from Shibam.

- So, which girls for you?

- The blonde one, I got
20,000 American dollars.

- Let me see it,

sounds about right.

You want that girl?

- [Prince] The sexy blonde.

- Ah, she's white you know.

- I got jungle fever.

- Yeah, she's the antidote then.

Okay, hit the streets Wesley.

Next, how chic.

- Sheik Abdul Dadul Fabul, I got 20,000.

- [Barry] That's no bull.

- I'll take the blonde one.

- 20,000, sounds about right.

The blonde, not a bad choice for a man

who rides between humps all day.

Yeah, take a walk sheik

and watch were you stick your sword, next.

- Hi.

- [Barry] Hi.

- Hi.

- [Barry] Hi again.

- I 20,000.

- Uh-huh, sounds good.

- I take, I take blondie.

- Blondie.

- [Man] Hi.

- Hi again.

You want blondie.

Well you happen to be
a lucky man my friend,

Mr. Shaguni Shogun Benihana Tokyo,

'cause I happen to have an
excess of blondes in inventory.

So, by the way also, she
happens to be dumb too.

- Tonto.

- Uh-huh, you lucky man, yeah.

Okay, well nice doing business with you.

- Arigato.

- Yeah arigato, and
moriyaki, and who's next.

- Holy Cow.

- [Barry] Holy Cow is next, yes indeed.

- 'Cause my country has very,
very, very, very few blondes.

- Really, well my country has
many, many, many 7-Elevens.

- I want blonde.

- Blonde, I should have guessed.

All right take a walk

and watch what you do
with your beef jerky.

Next.

- $20,000 man.

- Well what are you Al Pacino?

- I want the little blonde
one with the blue eyes.

- The blonde one?

- Tell you what, I'll take her.

- You'll take her.

So, this money clean?

- It all depends, why you think?

- Well it's like, it looks
like you been eating doughnuts.

There's some powder on it.

- It's hard working money my friend.

- Yes, I'm sure it is hard working money,

it's gonna work very hard in my pocket.

- Thank you bandero.

- [Barry] Yeah and I'm back again.

- I promise, I would never ever be,

what ever the name in English is again.

- The word is suckered.

- Oh screwed.

- You know, we really have had

some wild times here, haven't we?

- Guys, I think I'm gonna cry.

- Come on, let's get on with our lives.

- Yeah, I've got a plane
to London to catch.

- Maybe Junior needs a roommate.

- Girls, I'm really glad I saw you.

Boy, this is exciting.

I got a shoot for you girls today.

- Forget it Barry.

- Hey listen, I've got
500 bucks right here,

take a look, cash up front now

and another 500 when you're
done, at the end of the shoot.

- What shoot?

- I can't believe it.

We're shooting a bridal gown catalog,

right here in Barry's mansion.

Now, as a matter of fact, here you go.

We've got bridal gowns for everybody.

Here you go Zinga.

Oh, and there's a bonus.

You girls can keep these
when you're done too.

And this is exciting too,

they're made out of 100% acrylic.

Which means they'll last
longer than any marriage

you will ever be in.

- [Model] That's good.

- Uh-huh, I knew you'd like that.

So, there you go.

Oh, and also, by the way,

I need you to sign these releases.

Here, pass 'em off, just go ahead.

We can do this quickly,
Barry has places to go.

- Why does mine say marriage contract?

And who is Shogun Manifooey?

- Oh no the marriage contract,

that's a misprint from another shoot.

That is the name of the guy
you'll be modeling with.

Okay, so let's go.

Come, come, come, down the stairs.

Come on Zinga.

Babs, Babs, everyone move along.

(Barry shooing the girls)

Change, good.

- Have you seen Junior?

- Legs, I've got a little
Uncly Barry advice for you.

I think you should forget about JR.

You should be thinking
about places like Abu Dhabi

and Kuwait, he's a loser.

You're much too much woman
for him, and too tall.

So go.
- I'll never forget him.

- Yeah you will, trust me.

Yeah hello, Eurotrash Productions,

I got a big fashion gig for
that crowd photographer there.

Yeah Helmut.

And make sure they send along

that cabin boy assistant of his.

What's his name Snoopy, Droopy?

No, no, no, Loopi.

Yeah, make sure Loopi's
there, bye. (laughing)

(upbeat music)
(birds chirping)

(horn honking)

(water splashing)

(motor whirring)

- Great, so my dad the rat
is abandoned sinking ship.

Man, I don't need this.

You know, you're what's important to me

and I didn't even know it.

You're the only thing.

Well at least the girls are working today.

Shoot.

(upbeat music)

(camera shutter clicking)

- First of all, let me tell
all the ladies present today,

God loves you, yes he does.

- Ooh I love the hair.

It sits right on top of the head

with the curls coming down.

- What magazine is this for anyway?

- [Man] For the same magazine.

- [Man] Deliver his look.

- [Girl] Time.

- If you know what I mean.

- What do they care about fashion?

- Enough pictures, enough pictures.

- Oh enough from you, you Latin worm.

- Dearly beloved, we're
gathered here today

to bury the dearly deceased.

Wait a minute, you're
getting married, am I right?

Just a minute, let me find my place here.

No, why, no.

Oh, oh, there it is.

Wind and more wind.

- Hey Legs stop, it's a real wedding.

- [Elvis] Dearly beloved,
we're gathered here today.

Bonsieur John.

Business class, where is my chauffeur?

- I swear I had nothing to do with it.

- You had nothing to do with what?

- I swear, I swear.
- What do you doing?

(men yelling)

You know what, your mother was a dud.

Nothing but a lousy
little poodle, that's it.

- Come on, let's get this over with.

- And unless some son-of-a-bitch

come forward and tells why.

(yelling in foreign language)

They should not be bound and
gagged in holy matrimony.

(yelling in foreign language)

- Stop, it's a real wedding!

- Then I hereby pronounce
all of you, husband and ...

(man yelling in foreign language)

I take it you are the girl's father then?

- Who are you?

- [Helmut] What is this,
I don't like surprises?

My picture, it looks good.
- Get away, imbeciles.

- Barry sold you girls to these men.

- What?, sold us?

- Give me back my stick.

- I have a contract with this woman man,

is that a problem with that cockroach?

- No, wait, wait, wait.

I can refund all your money.

- You better, or else.

- [Helmut] All right,
all right you pushed me.

- Thank you very much

- You pushed me too far,
I'm calling my agent.

- And I'm gonna call my bookie.

- [Barry] Yes, love this boat.

Love your new life Bar.

You're big, huge.

Bahamas, here we come.

Broads, gambling, champagne.

Man, living the good life, you deserve it.

You're rich Barry, rich.

Rich I tell you, it's mine, it's all mine.

Mobs of money.

- [Junior] Wait, let's just
talk about this for a minute.

- Hey you cockroach,
you owe me $20,000 man.

- [Junior] I'm sure we
can negotiate something.

- But what about our
$500, Barry promised it.

- This is bullshit.

I'm calling the cops this time.

- Stop being so mean to him, all of you.

- Thank you, you're amazing.

- [Barry] My money, my
money, all my money.

Fish are eating it, I'm gonna catch it

and kill you and then eat you.

My money, oh it's ...

(phone ringing)

- Yes, yes.

Really, wait a minute,
let me get this straight.

You were at Paramount,

but you left Paramount
to go to Warner Brothers,

but Universal's made
you a housekeeping deal?

Sure babe, we can cut a deal.

We're making a deal.

You want to deposit the
money into my account?

Oh I love you babe, you're the best.

(everyone chattering)

I, Junior, will refund all
of your money gentlemen,

'cause I have just caught a six figure,

plus royalty output deal.

With a seven figure advance, yes.

- The studio screwed Junior
and denied the sequel.

We all went home, still
broke, but a little wiser.

I stayed in touch with all
the girls from that season.

We all send these little
videos to each other

so we can keep up.

Here's my collection.

Hi girls, I'm a cowgirl now.

(upbeat music)

- [Model] Hey girls, I'm a princess now.

- Hey everybody.

- Hey everybody, it's me Legs.

I was just practicing for my next film.

It's sort of mine and Junior's number.

- [Helmut] Do you know why

you can't keep a generous mustache on?

- [Loopi] I don't know why boss.

Is it supposed to be this
way with all this pressure?

- Because you are Italian.

- Si.

- Rod actually became a veterinarian

and does plastic surgery
on poodles, we're rich.

- Hey, we went to the Bahamas for Easter

and guess who we caught on our video.

(upbeat music)

Check this out.

- So you folks must be new
here in town in the Bahamas.

Yeah, what do want, a gambling jacket?

Nah, I don't think so, probably honeymoon.

I think you should get something

for this little cutie over here.

How 'bout this, beautiful,

take a look at this preowned coconut.

Is this a sight to
behold, is this gorgeous?

This is fabulous, this is for this woman.

It's big, it's beautiful,
all right a little beat up.

I let that happen, what
you got five years.

It's a pretty good looking
piece of coconut for five years.

You, I got something for you beautiful.

You guys are just married,
take a look at this coconut.

Only one year old.

I'll give you something
in a second you leech.

Here you go, beautiful.

What's your story, is this your friend?

You couldn't get him a date?

You should work on a date for him.

Piece of coral for you.

This is what you got your eye on,

don't you young man?

Yeah, how do you like that little baby?

This is the best price
point you'll find anywhere.

Take a loot at that.

All right you like the
weight on that, don't you?

Let me see what else you got here.

You got your eye on anything else special?

It all looks good to you?

I think you want the big
one, you want this big one.

That fresh one doesn't look too good.

You guys want to have
matching coconuts don't you?

Yeah, I think you want matching coconuts.

(Multicom Jingle)