Mi vacío y yo (2022) - full transcript
A young trans woman in Barcelona deals with her transition, dating and daily life.
foodval.com - stop by if you're interested in the nutritional composition of food
---
Come.
Are you horny?
Are you OK?
Sure?
Relax, relax, hey, relax.
What's wrong?
Relax, relax. We're here.
Hey, what's wrong?
Rafa man, what's wrong?
Relax, don't worry.
My Emptiness and I.
What is your female name?
My female name?
- Do you have a female name?
- No.
And if you had one? What would it be?
I don't know.
I've never thought about it.
Okay, so I'll put Raphael, Okay?
If you want put Raphaëlle with LL and E,
which is the female version in French.
- ¿With F or...?
- PH.
PH.
Rapha... ëlle.
- LL and E at the end.
- LL and E at the end.
- "Raphael"?
- Raphaëlle.
Oh, Raphaëlle.
Okay, so... it sounds the same
in masculine and feminine.
Alright.
How do you define yourself?
What do you mean?
I mean, um...
You define yourself:
I am a boy, I am a girl...
- I'm a boy, of course.
- I'm a boy.
And how do you feel?
What do you mean how do I feel?
I don't understand these questions.
There's a difference.
One thing is how do you define yourself.
You name yourself. Another thing
is how you feel more intimately.
If you close your eyes
and you let yourself feel...
Do you feel like a girl?
Do you feel like a boy?
Well, what is feeling like a girl
or like a boy? I don't...
It's something very deep and intimate.
I can't answer that for you.
Well, neither can I.
Okay, don't answer that.
But I see you are dressed like a woman.
Well, yes...
Do you usually
dress like a woman?
When I was studying in Paris I did.
I don't know, I like feminine clothes.
Alright, I'll note that down. Okay.
Moving on to the more intimate
questions.
What did you play with
when you were little?
- With dolls.
- Dolls.
How did you pee?
- Sitting.
- Sitting.
Did you wear a bra?
No.
You didn't pretend to...
I know that when you're a child
you don't have breasts, but you pretend.
Just like you played with dolls...
- Did you wear one?
- No, no.
No.
Alright.
How did you masturbate?
I don't know what to say.
For example, when you masturbated,
did you look at yourself?
- Did you look at your genitals?
- No.
That was the question.
To know if you did it
with the lights on or in the dark.
So you could look at yourself
or not. That was the question.
Those were
the most difficult questions.
Wait, let me start the update.
OK. I have to do a synchronisation
that will take thirty minutes...
and in thirty minutes
you should have the internet back.
Okay?
Please, stop insisting
or I will have to hang up.
Okay fine, listen: goodbye.
- Hello?
- Hello.
- Hi, dad.
- Hi Rapha! How are you?
- Fine, you?
- Fine.
- Yeah?
- What's wrong? You sound strange.
No, I just left the psychologist.
And?
So...
She told me that...
apparently, it's gender dysphoria.
Gender dysphoria? What's that?
I didn't quite understand because
I was in shock, but basically...
She thinks that...
Actually, she thinks that
I'm a girl in a boy's body.
That's it basically.
Alright.
So, what do you have to do?
I don't really know.
She talked about
a hormonal treatment, but...
I don't know, it seems really...
I feel like I have no choice.
She just informed me...
and now I have to make a decision.
She's sending me
to the endocrinologist, but...
I don't know. It seems...
Sweetheart, in any case...
we have to do something.
Yes, but... do what?
Gender dysphoria.
DO YOU THINK I'M A LEGITIMATE GIRL?
LEGITIMATE FOR?
THAT'S FOR YOU TO DECIDE.
YES
YOU'RE RIGHT.
#LOVEISINTHEAIR
BUT IT'S BLOWING THE WRONG WAY
Álex. According to his profile,
he's thirty years old.
He's amazing. Look.
He's handsome, right?
It's just to take off a little bit.
It happens to me too,
when I put on makeup at home,
later I'll look at myself
in my car mirror,
it's too much and
I have to remove it.
It happens sometimes.
Don't worry, I'll take it off.
Okay.
- Raphi?
- Hi.
Hi, I'm Alex.
How are you?
Sorry I'm late.
- Fine, and you?
- Fine, have you been waiting long?
- No, not at all.
- Okay.
- Where are you from?
- I'm French.
- Yes, you have an accent.
- Yes, horrible, right?
No, come on, I love it.
I lived in Paris.
- Whereabouts in France?
- I was born in Perpignan.
- What do you do?
- I'm a musician.
- Musician? Wow.
- Yes.
- How cool is that.
- I play the guitar.
- I have an Indie band, in Catalan.
- Cool!
Yes, it's really nice.
And you? You're also really creative.
Well, yes. I write sometimes...
- Do you write too?
- Yes, I write.
I like a lot of things.
I like art in general,
photography, fashion, but...
Of course, fashion.
Why did you choose to be
a designer or...?
Well, I'm not a designer.
I work in a call centre.
- Well, still...
- Yeah, fashion...
- Well... it's my passion.
- Our job isn't who we are.
- We are what we like.
- That's true. Yes, totally.
Me too, I was into this
since I was little, and...
Did you dress up as a child?
- I imagine...
- With my mother's clothes.
- Did you?
- Of course. I made up my stories...
And you design your own...?
It's really flamboyant,
but in a cool way.
- Really? You like it?
- Yes.
Nice. I'm glad.
What do you think of me?
- I don't know, I like yours too.
- Yeah?
Yes, it's very...
- Musician look.
- Yeah, a bit. It suits you.
Yeah.
It's a bit late.
- I have to go.
- Yeah?
- Okay.
- It's a bit late for me.
- Did you enjoy yourself?
- I did.
- Yeah? Me too.
- Cool.
- I really liked getting to know you.
- Thank you, me too.
Well, it's a shame that
you're leaving alone like this.
Well, if you want
to tell me something more...
What?
What do you want me to tell you?
Something about you,
I don't know.
Like what?
I don't know. What do you want to know?
Well.
I've always been with girls.
I mean, with "girls-girls".
That were born girls.
So I'm...
I mean, it doesn't bother me.
But I didn't know
if you wanted to tell me.
I don't know what to tell you.
Yes, I was born...
a boy
but it doesn't make me less of a girl.
- I mean, I don't think so.
- No, of course.
I don't know.
- See you another day?
- Yes.
- Well, I'm leaving.
- Okay.
- Take care.
- Take care.
- Bye.
- We'll talk, okay?
Okay, perfect.
That's it! Wow!
Come on!
Much better!
That's how I like it! Good, Raphi!
I want you to push harder.
Okay, let's do it again, Sexy!
That's it, loosen your shoulders...
A little bigger.
That's it! This is almost over.
And each time
we raise our arms, we yell.
I can't hear you!
- How are you feeling?
- Fine, honestly. I'm fine.
You look really good.
Have you noticed any side effects
since the treatment started?
At first, yes.
A lot of mood swings.
Everything affected me,
I cried without knowing why...
Things like that.
And now, I'm getting used to it,
and I'm doing better.
You are dealing with your emotions.
All these changes
are normal with oestrogens.
Alright.
It is clear that
you look a lot more feminine.
- Thank you.
- The analysis is correct.
I think it's the perfect time
to have your first meeting
with the surgeon.
- What do you think?
- With the surgeon?
Yes.
It would be the first visit.
Have you seriously thought
about reassignment?
Well, it seems really early.
I mean, I'm not...
at that stage yet.
- You're at this stage.
- What do you mean?
You've done the whole treatment
for a year...
One year seems very little to me.
But, have you made a decision?
Not yet.
Have you had any sexual intercourse
this year?
- No.
- No.
Alright.
Let's see...
I think I can give you
two or three months
so you can make
an informed decision
of what you really want to do.
- I'll explain.
- I know what I want right now.
What do you want?
I want to meet a man
who loves me as I am
without having to change, that's it.
Right.
Can I give you a personal advice
supported by years of experience
in this department?
If you continue to have
a male sexual organ,
you'll be fetishized
by the majority of the men you meet
and you'll probably feel
like a sex object.
I'm not really sure.
Unfortunately, that's how it is.
Some won't, but that's the usual.
If it's okay for you, let's see
each other again in a few months.
- Okay.
- Meanwhile, continue
with the hormone treatment
like you've been doing
and try to have sexual intercourse
to see what happens, how you feel.
- Where you stand.
- Okay.
FRENCH, ROMANTIC AND TRANS.
WOW! YOU DON'T LOOK TRANS.
- WHAT DO I LOOK LIKE THEN?
- A GIRL.
Raphaëlle.
HAVE YOU HAD SURGERY?
NO
THEN WHY DON'T YOU LOOK FOR A GIRL?
BECAUSE I'M STRAIGHT
THAT TURNS ME ON
TURNS YOU ON?
THE UNKNOWN
I'M NOT AN ALIEN
Hello.
- Hello.
- You're A it or, right?
- Yes, and you are Raphi?
- Yes.
- How are you?
- Fine, and you?
I'm fine, too.
You look definitely better in person
compared to your photos.
Really? that's a compliment,
thank you.
- You seem nervous.
- No.
- Aren't you?
- No.
Okay.
But are you okay?
You seem...
very closed off.
Is there something wrong?
No, I'm fine, it's...
Nothing... stuff.
You know.
- Work stuff...
- You can tell me if you need to.
I don't want to see you so...
I don't know you well enough
to tell you all that.
I don't know, I don't want
to burden you.
Me too, I'm nervous.
- Maybe you can't tell but...
- Doesn't seem like it.
Well, I am.
It seems like
you do it every day.
Well.
Do you usually
meet up with people
on these kinds of apps to fuck?
- I don't know.
- What do you mean, you don't know?
I'm looking for boys.
But then meeting up is more difficult.
Why?
On your side or theirs?
No, on theirs.
- Oh really? Why?
- Yes.
Well...
I don't really know.
You don't know
or you don't want to tell me?
Well, you can imagine it,
I'm not gonna draw you a picture.
Well.
Let's say I don't have
a lot of imagination. Tell me.
No, tell me about yourself.
You haven't even told me where you live,
or what's your job. You are the mystery.
The most important thing
is to be safe, okay?
Be safe?
What are you talking about?
I'm saying this because you told me
I should buy the condoms.
I thought maybe sometimes
you don't use condoms.
- Do you use condoms?
- What? Of course.
Okay.
Isn't it normal for me to ask you that?
- Yes.
- You are the one who's gonna wear them.
Yeah well, I don't know.
But If I didn't buy them, then what?
- Is anyone here?
- I don't know.
Come.
- Nice room.
- Yeah? Thanks.
- Ready?
- Yes.
- What's wrong?
- It hurts.
- A little more gentle?
- Yes.
What's wrong?
- Should we continue?
- No!
Where's the bathroom?
That way, behind.
- I'm gonna go, okay?
- Okay.
I want the surgery,
but I'm really lost.
Because I have many doubts,
a lot of fear...
Because if I get the surgery,
I want to have a normal,
and functional life,
that if I touch myself, I feel it,
and everything else.
In that sense,
I want to tell you that nowadays,
with almost any surgeon
you will have
the sensibility issue solved.
If you've had
a more or less fulfilling sex life,
as much as possible.
This will surely benefit
the sexuality after the vagina.
And that's not up to the surgeon.
That also depends on ourselves,
and it's one of the things
that we try to work on here.
The surgery also scares me a lot.
It scares me
because of what it is,
because of the blood,
or the operating room...
I know nothing about the topic,
and I'm here because they told me
I'd find the information
I need to make a decision.
I'm going to ask you a question, Raphi.
What are your expectations
for the vaginoplasty, at the moment?
When you have a vagina,
the day you do,
how do you imagine yourself?
But I don't know if I want to have one.
You don't know. Okay.
- Not yet.
- You still don't know.
Let me tell you something:
when the time comes
you will be under anaesthesia
and you won't feel a thing.
We can all agree, I mean
everyone that has gone through it.
At your age, I would say don't worry.
You will go through
a physical transition
that is permanent.
So, give yourself time,
to know when you're ready.
And the real fear
comes when you stop loving yourself.
If you keep loving yourself,
I don't know why but the fear.
But what's interesting
is that, nowadays, you can say that.
Before, in the 70's and 80's
people with botched surgeries
didn't say anything.
Because of the fear of being judged.
Then, we have this one here,
also from Spain.
We can see that the urinary tract
is very red.
This is a sign of inflammation
and possibly an infection
and it's also facing up.
So, the urine
comes out like a sprinkler,
sometimes, getting their clothes wet,
even spraying outside
of the toilet. That could happen.
Above, is the clitoris.
We can see it has
labia minor a and a very small hood
that doesn't really cover it.
That's also missing.
And this one here,
is a necrosis.
We can see
the tissue under the clitoris,
with the corresponding fibrin
and the tissue badly stitched.
They went back to surgery. And as
all the tissue underneath was damaged
they faced the clitoris up,
I guess.
They leave it out.
That's really uncomfortable.
- Hello.
- Hello, it's Raphi.
Come in.
The bass.
- Your bass.
- I don't know how to sing it.
No, here.
Ladies, do you know
how to open the wine?
Fucking hell, what's going on here?
Do you want me to show it to you?
You think?
So you can see
what the surgery looks like.
- Okay.
- Look.
See?
It's closed, you don't see anything,
because if you see the clitoris,
it can rub and cause problems.
But if I open it, you can see
the hood of the clitoris, the clitoris,
here's the urethra
and the vaginal opening underneath.
- Okay.
- I like it a lot.
Did you imagine it like this?
I had no idea.
It's the first time.
- Well, now you've seen it.
- Well, yeah.
Well, that's it.
Other than the fact that I like it,
it works well because I have orgasms...
Oh, that's great.
That's the most important.
- Raphi.
- Hello. Raphi, nice to meet you.
Were you playing in our absence
to practice and beat us?
- I'm Raphi, nice to meet you.
- Who knows...
Use your hand as if you're shooting
a rifle.
Like this, don't move.
Try to hit it in the middle,
or it will jump.
- Damn it.
- There.
- Is it good now?
- Yes, hit it, but...
- Almost.
- No, I'm really bad, I'm sorry ladies.
I don't know how to play this.
After a while, his friend says:
You would get along with my friend
because he's a nature freak like you.
And then we exchanged numbers,
we started talking,
we started going to the mountains...
up until today.
Cool.
I fell in love on the first day,
when he jumped
into the mud to see a salamander larva.
When I saw him on the ground,
I thought: "That's my man!"
Someone who dives
into the mud to see a salamander.
That's beautiful.
I'm alone.
But do you meet people?
Do you party?
Or do you have...?
I don't know.
I don't go out much.
I'm on Tinder, like most of us,
but Tinder grosses me out a bit, for us.
It's complicated, isn't it?
Actually, since many boys
don't know I'm trans,
one day, out of the blue,
I bring the topic up:
"Actually,
all of this gay and trans issues..."
And some people say:
"Yeah, those people that think
they're women".
And me:
"Oh, interesting...".
Well because you pass.
People are like that.
Later, you go on a date,
they see you and they get scared.
- And they can behave badly.
- But not with you.
- I'm sure they don't.
- It has happened to me.
I think it's good
if you're on Tinder and you say:
"I'm trans". And whoever
wants to meet me, can add me.
Yes, but there are many
who are interested in us for...
well, for what I have.
Because you've already...
Oh, okay, that scenario.
That's very hard.
Of course, if you write that
it becomes a sexual fetish.
- Yeah.
- Like: "Hi! I'm a sex object."
- Have you ever met people like that?
- Yes.
When you bring it up,
is like: "I don't know about this."
There are three options:
it goes well, and they don't care.
Two: they tell you to go to hell.
Or three, they're really interested,
because of a sexual fetish.
"I never did this,
but I want to try."
TALK TO ME LIKE YOU WOULD TALK
TO A CIS WOMAN.
WHAT FILM ARE YOU PLAYING IN YOUR HEAD?
FILM?
YOU'RE NOT A WOMAN
AND YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE
A FAT PIECE OF SHIT
HI
CIS?
HI
TRANS
#LOVEISINTHEAIR
AND I CAN'T BREATHE
I came back a week ago,
a little more, ten days ago.
- Where were you before?
- I was in Madrid.
For a while, for a project.
And now, I'm back in Barcelona,
and I'm getting back on track.
Nice.
Do you like the neighbourhood?
Yes, it's fine.
I found a good place.
- But until I organise everything...
- Little by little.
It's a little stressful.
- But it will work out.
- And what about work?
What do you do?
I work in the pharmaceutical industry.
What's that about?
It's a little hard to explain.
I design studies.
I mean, I'm not in the laboratory
with a lab coat.
I design the studies that show
the viability, the safety,
the efficiency of a medicine.
To release a new drug,
or to develop a generic...
Nowadays, the body
imposes itself as
a predilection site
for the social discourse.
What does that mean? The body...?
"These days, the body poses
as the
preferred subject
of social discourse."
Look!
They forgot to dress this one.
No!
It's to show
what the exhibition is about.
About how fashion
modified the body.
It shows how they used
bustles to make it bigger.
It was the beauty standard of the time.
They had to have a big butt, or...
- Of course.
- It wouldn't work.
And these are from the 20's.
"Les années folles", you know?
- What?
- "Les années folles."
- Oh, yeah.
- That period.
The straight lines,
women with no chest, no hips.
Everything very straight and linear.
I like it a lot.
Very shiny too.
What's wrong?
Nothing.
Are you okay?
Don't worry.
Come. Don't worry.
Okay. It's over. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Can I do something?
The exhibition will last one month.
Then the idea is
taking it to other centres.
I'd like you to introduce yourselves
and explain your work a little bit.
Well, I'll start.
My name is Claudia, and I'm a writer.
I wanted to show
a poem that I wrote a few months ago,
right when
I came out of the closet.
I'm looking forward to
seeing it on these walls
and sharing it with people.
It's my turn, right?
My name is Raphi,
and I'm from France.
The truth is that, I don't know
what I'm going to exhibit.
We reached out to you
because of your texts on Instagram?
Yes.
But if you want to do
something more performative.
- Is that possible?
- Yes, whatever you want.
Yeah, I don't know.
I thought of sharing some texts.
But I don't know if you want
something really specific...
Whatever you want to express,
whatever you want to say,
without restraints or barriers.
Okay.
- Hi.
- How are you?
- Fine, and you?
- Fine.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
- What's that?
- White wine.
- You didn't have to.
- Well, I really wanted to.
- Perfect, come in.
- Thank you.
How was your week? How did it go?
Fine. It was busy.
Cheers.
How about you?
Fine, it was a calm week.
- You look very pretty.
- Thank you, you too.
Well, I was a little worried
the other day.
Do you feel better?
- Yes.
- Yeah?
- Yeah, don't worry.
- We didn't talk about it.
- Yeah.
- I didn't know...
Well, that's it.
- Don't talk about it anymore.
- I will not.
Okay, perfect.
Do you want to?
You don't?
Okay, it's fine.
- Good morning.
- Hi.
- How are you?
- I'm fine, you?
- Fine. Did you sleep well?
- Yes.
I don't think I have anything
for breakfast.
- No?
- No.
Cool.
Can we take a picture?
- Of what?
- I don't know, a selfie.
- If you want to.
- Can we?
Yeah, of course.
- Come on.
- On top of it?
Come on.
Don't look that much,
you look very pretty.
- Are you sure?
- Yes.
Okay.
I don't know if this is my style.
- You don't like it?
- No, it's cool but...
- I have to think about it.
- Okay.
- Hi, good morning.
- Hi.
Can I help you?
Well, we're just looking,
because I need to furnish
my entire flat.
I've just moved in nearby.
Okay, if you need information
or you want to buy something...
- Honey?
- I do want to buy!
- Sofas? They're over there, right?
- Yes, sofas on that side.
OMG! I love this one.
- I love this one.
- No way!
- Sit down.
- Let's see.
- It's cool, isn't it?
- Very cool.
- Where would you put this?
- I don't know, in the bathroom?
In the bathroom?
Well. I'll have to think about it.
It's very original.
- Very beautiful.
- Just original?
- Well...
- Don't you like it?
- You definitely like it more.
- I love it!
Do you want to come in?
I'd love to,
but if you don't mind
I'd rather use this time
to organise things
before the weekend is over.
Well, we could eat something.
We haven't eaten anything.
Yeah...
- You don't want to?
- I do.
But I'd rather...
Don't get upset,
but I have things to do...
Okay. Me too,
I also have things to do.
- Don't get upset.
- No, I'm not upset, don't worry.
- Really? You seem...
- No, it's fine.
- You sure?
- Yeah, that's fine.
- I'll call you.
- Yes, of course.
- We had a good time, right?
- Absolutely, I loved it.
Don't worry.
That's what we'll do, okay?
- Okay.
- Perfect.
- Thanks a lot.
- Thank you.
- Hey, you better call me.
- I'll call you.
Well, well, well! Welcome!
Trinitat Vella!
A loud applause!
Come on, come on!
Of course.
Welcome to the first LGBTI exhibition
of Trinitat Vella called.
"The Collective."
Come here, Raphaëlle, my love.
- Can I call you Raphi?
- Yes, of course.
Raphi, for friends. French?
- Yes, you can tell?
- No, not at all. You're from Cadiz!
You look totally from the south,
my pussy.
What do you have for us, my love?
I brought some collages
I made a little while ago.
"My Emptiness..."
This is yours, right?
Yes.
Stop seeing what you don't want to see.
So deep, girl!
Were you high?
To love,
to build a relationship, a house,
a home,
to plan, to have kids, lots of them,
to be happy with them,
to spoil them, to take care of them,
to adore them,
to have a simple and peaceful life,
to have a life that's
full of joy and happiness.
To stop being a weirdo.
To enjoy and to write a better future.
More beautiful.
- Very good.
- Thank you.
- I loved it.
- Really?
Yes, because I'm also a weirdo.
In my own way
and what we have to do is surrender and
start living for once in this fucking
life and society,
even if it's really hard,
we aren't alone.
We have "The Dyke"...
The entire collective,
and not only them,
people in the neighbourhood
we are getting closer to.
Making ourselves listened to.
And although that respect
comes from just a few people,
to feel
as if they were a thousand.
He told me we were boys,
that there were boys with tits.
We look at each other's breasts.
Before, our breasts
were two big spheres
and now, a mantle
of skin and textures.
He told me we should
love our chest because it changes,
takes on other forms,
another kind of softness
and it gives us another type of pleasure
that no one speaks of.
We get lost
in their stretch marks,
in the ninety centimetres
that are no longer there,
in the story it tells,
in the echo of our new masculinity.
With our sex,
with our spectrum,
with our androgyny,
with our new scars,
and with our feminine curves.
This body is our landscape,
and here we stay.
I don't know. Everyone's work
seemed better.
- Well...
- The poems?
- Everything.
- You can't compare.
Some of your collages
are really interesting.
- Very powerful.
- Yes.
You have to keep developing
more and more,
because you have something
very interesting.
Well, the one about the king
creeped me out a little...
Excuse me, ladies.
Raphaëlle meet Carles.
He's a theatre director and
he wants talk to you.
Okay, great.
- Hi, nice to meet you.
- Hi, Raphi, nice to meet you.
- Congratulations.
- Thanks a lot.
I loved it, it really touched me.
- Well, excuse me, I'm Carles.
- Anna.
Maybe now isn't a good time.
I have a theatre company.
We are focused on documentary theatre.
We work with people
that are not professional actors.
I'd like to get a coffee
with you one day and talk...
- Yes, perfect.
- Yeah? I'll give you my card.
- Call me one day.
- Okay, great.
Okay, here you go.
- Great, thanks a lot.
- Take care.
Thanks a lot, bye.
Well, he didn't kiss me.
I don't know... how to take it.
HI.
HOW'S YOUR WEEK, HANDSOME?
HEY, I'M FINE.
QUITE BUSY.
Yes, today I am a woman with a penis.
Do I have to change it for a vagina?
Would that make me more normal?
Being normal is just a concept.
Being normal doesn't mean anything.
Normality doesn't exist.
Every one of us is one of a kind.
A penis doesn't have
to be a limit or an obstacle
in a woman's life.
We, trans people don't have to change
our bodies.
All we have to change
is how people
keeps perceiving us nowadays.
That's the real cause,
we have to fight for.
- Exactly.
- Very good.
- An applause.
- Thank you.
Thanks a lot.
For me, there was a sentence that
disrupted me a little bit.
When you say we don't need
to change our body.
What we need to change
is how others see us.
Exactly.
Obviously,
the second part is correct
because social pressure exists.
- Of course.
- But it exists for everybody.
Even for queer people.
Those queer people
that you just described here,
where everyone is happy,
everyone accepts themselves,
they don't have any problems.
Well, I don't know.
That seems like Disneyland.
I think that all queer people
have their own problems.
Obviously. They are human beings.
But why do we always fight
for ourselves
and we don't fight with queer people
for these issues?
I am going to give you
a simple answer.
If you are on that border,
where you don't really know,
I'd tell you to you jump from
side to side or to stay in the middle.
But until you know
by yourself
where you'll find
this feeling of belonging,
you're denying me...
- I'm not denying you anything.
- Not you.
Sorry, in general.
The queer world
is denying
a vital part of ourselves,
which is to feel fulfilled
because we can have our vagina.
- No!
- Yes, that's how it is!
- I...
- No, no, no...
One small thing.
On both sides,
thing are being said
that infringe on our personal freedom.
I-Vaginarium isn't about that.
I-Vaginarium goes beyond being a woman.
This is about helping each other
to become a better person
with the tools we have.
From there, you have to ask yourself
what kind of woman do you want to be.
Up, up, down, down!
More energy!
And now we are going to dance
for someone.
Let's go down slowly.
Wow! No one can see us!
A little higher.
And now, the challenge.
I go down and up.
Now! And up!
That's it! A little faster!
Down and up. That's it!
Shake your body!
It's four in the morning
and the party is yours!
I liked that one more.
We're going to turn around.
That's it ladies! Like every day
I want to say goodbye
to my blondies!
Thank you!
HI HANDSOME
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
DO YOU LIKE IT?
I'M NEXT TO YOUR PLACE
Hi there!
#LOVEISINTHEAIR
BUT IT'S POLLUTED
Look over there.
She just took a picture of us.
- Really?
- Yes. I think she did.
Let's see if something comes out.
- Why?
- I don't know.
- Of Zaskia?
- Yes.
- Her?
- Yes, she took a photo.
- But why?
- I don't know, but I noticed.
- Hi, excuse me. Do you speak Spanish?
- Yes.
Why were you taking pictures
of my daughter?
I didn't take any picture.
Yes, my husband told me.
You did it when you were walking.
Why are you taking pictures of us?
- Well, it's a project that I have...
- A project for what?
An artistic project
of couples I see in the street.
- And you're an artist? What kind?
- Yes, I'm.
- And what are you?
- Why do you care?
That's none of your business.
You took a picture
and we're asking you to delete it.
Show it to me please.
You can't see your face, look.
But it doesn't matter.
It's my daughter.
Can you delete the picture please?
There are laws!
- I think you should delete it.
- You can't do this!
We came here to kindly ask you
to delete it.
And I think you should do it.
Okay, so I'll delete it.
That's children's rights.
- It's done!
- Thank you.
- Okay, good evening.
- It's done. Bye.
- It's enough!
- Why is she taking pictures?
She didn't ask for permission.
You have to ask for permission
to do it.
Especially a child.
DON'T MAKE ME WASTE MY TIME, PLEASE
PHOTOS XXX?
NO
I'll SEND YOU MINE.
DO YOU GIVE DICK?
NO
I'M BLOCKING YOU
“HORNY? CAN I RAPE U?
WHAT?
I'D EAT YOUR ASS
I HAVE DIARROHEA
DO YOU HAVE A PLACE?
- Hi.
- Hi.
- How are you?
- Fine.
Yeah?
- And you?
- I'm fine.
What's wrong?
Are you kidding me?
What's wrong?
I was not supposed to meet a dude.
Well, I'm not a dude.
- You're not a dude?
- I'm not.
I know who I am.
Yeah? And the girl in the pictures?
- I am the girl in the pictures.
- Oh, really?
What's your problem?
I don't understand.
“My problem is I'm not meant to be
meeting up with a dude to fuck.
And I'm not fag,
do you understand?
I'm not gay either.
- Oh, you're not fag?
- No.
- No?
- Well, no.
- You're a chick?
- Of course.
And your voice, where's it from?
- Well, I think we'll leave it here.
- Yeah, we are going to leave it here.
Sure. I want nothing
to do with you.
Fuck off.
Neither do I.
- Go away.
- The truth is...
What's the truth?
Damn it!
Why are you lying to me?
I didn't lie to you.
I owe you nothing.
I don't have to tell you anything.
Yes, you do,
because we met up to fuck.
- And I don't like dudes.
- But I'm a chick.
- What's your fucking problem?
- You're a chick?
Do you want me
to fuck you in the ass?
Do you have a problem?
Yes, I have a problem,
I'm not into faggots.
So, you can fuck off.
But I'm not gay though.
- You aren't gay?
- No.
You're a tranny.
You're going to fool
your fucking mother. Fuck off.
Leave!
Go fool your fucking mother!
Fuck off!
- Fuck, that's enough!
- Go lie to your fucking mother.
Creep. Fuck off!
Hi.
Where are you going that beautiful?
Are you OK?
Yes, all good.
Is something wrong?
No.
- Good morning!
- Hi.
Raphi! What a change, honey!
- Hi.
- How are you?
Babe, you look so pretty with that hair,
it looks great on you.
But, that face?
What's wrong?
Hi!
- Hi.
- Hi.
Wow! So blonde!
I thought it would be darker.
Me too.
Hello, this is Elena,
how can I help you?
Raphi, honey, what's wrong?
What's wrong, my love?
Wait... these are coming...
Good morning!
How was your weekend?
- Fine.
- Oh, Raphi, this new look?
But you're piecing it together
without really knowing why he left you.
- I don't know, boys are really strange.
- People in general.
He's probably afraid of society,
the looks, the prejudice.
I don't know, I can't explain.
He didn't give you an explanation.
You know what? He doesn't deserve you.
- It's not worth it.
- No, but...
- The problem is the expectations.
- With your self-esteem...
What do we imagine a relationship is?
It's like fantasy that we make up
about what the other
has to give us.
The reality
often doesn't fit that pattern.
No, it doesn't.
Maybe, we need to lower
those expectations.
We get too excited
and we have such a romantic idea
of princesses and prince charming...
What has been taught to us
as children.
When that all breaks down
- it's a drama.
- Well, that's how it is.
But, in the end,
we're all exposed to this.
It's true that there are people
with more difficulties in life,
but difficulties are opportunities
to become stronger.
People that decide
to accept who they are
are much braver than a person
that is comfortable with everything.
Yes, but one thing is feeling
comfortable,
and the other is feeling complete
and, at the moment,
I don't feel complete...
Give it time!
Of course you'll be able to!
You think that having a vagina
will end all your sexual problems.
- Of course.
- No, I'm telling you.
- Maybe not.
- Not necessarily.
- Not necessarily.
- Why not?
Listen... first of all, sexuality
isn't just genitals.
Sex goes a little further...
- Do you enjoy it?
- Enjoying of your skin,
the eye contact,
different things, okay?
I had relationships
where I was really happy
with the orgasms of my partners,
- but I felt a little...
- Of your partners!
And you faked it, classic!
I didn't fake it!
But if I didn't come, I didn't come.
In that moment, I thought:
"I don't mind,"
because I had...
the fantasy of a relationship.
The fantasy of it being
the be-all and end-all...
and that you're incomplete
if you don't have someone.
But it's a lie!
And the more expectations you have
for things to be a certain way,
- the more frustrated you'll feel.
- Of course.
But ladies,
Raphi hasn't told you something.
- Go on, tell us.
- Because, it's not all sadness, honey.
- Tell them.
- There are definitely good things.
Tell them about the theatre director.
Well, a theatre director
has approached me to do a play.
Wow!
They were looking
for a trans-girl
to tell her... her story.
And don't you think that could
be an opportunity to heal?
I think they chose a trans-girl,
because she's trans.
In the same way, when
there's a play about a black person.
It's like they used to do here,
when they painted King Balthazar black.
There are black people,
so they choose a black person.
They're not going
to choose a girl that's not trans.
But I'm tired of being chosen
because I'm trans,
that they see me as trans,
that they limit me to being trans.
I'm going to do a very basic exam
just to see the tissue, okay?
- Okay.
- Okay, pull it up.
Okay.
Very good.
Well, Raphi like I was saying,
the surgery can be done.
Now it's about you telling me
what you want to know,
if you have any doubts...
I have several doubts, like knowing
if it's functional,
if there's sensitivity
once the surgery is done.
Alright, about sensitivity...
That's one of the main goals
of the surgery.
It will never be like the sensitivity
that you have in your penis now.
But yes, you will have sensitivity.
Okay.
So, there's no risk of the body
rejecting the future vagina?
Good question.
But don't worry, because
we're going to use your own tissue.
Your body won't reject it.
I also wanted to know,
if there is a time frame...
If I could know
when the surgery would be.
Raphi, you're on the waiting list.
You are number 73,
so it will be at least three years.
- A three-year wait?
- Yes.
Okay.
Listen, Raphi. These are the spots
that are managed by the government.
This is also important because
you'll start
preparing for this situation.
I know if you've made it this far,
it's because you're convinced of
what you want to do,
but this is a major surgery
that can't be reversed.
Okay.
Okay.
Oh, what a surprise!
You have a new look!
No, it's not great.
No! I think it's...
...pretty. It's like
a bluish-grey, silver, isn't it?
Yes, but I wanted blond, not blue.
- It's not my style.
- But it looks good!
I don't know.
- It's rock & roll!
- Yeah, but I'm not rock.
I'm glam.
Well yeah.
Yes, but it's pretty
and the hair will come back...
But I can see in your face
that something's wrong.
- There's something that...
- You seem sad.
Well, I just got back from the surgeon.
And so?
So, it's a three-year wait.
Yeah, I understand three years is a lot.
Does it seem long to you?
Yes dad, there are seventy girls
before me.
What am I going to do?
My plan was to do it now.
Watch the news.
Waiting lists tend to be longer.
I don't think three years is that long.
Also, those three years are to
fully process the idea and...
...so that the girls
that take this route, are sure.
And don't worry,
we're with you, your sisters too.
The whole family is with you.
Everyone supports you, and like I said,
if you really need to, just come home.
Barcelona isn't going anywhere.
Come back whenever you want to.
There are many possibilities.
You don't have to be stuck
...in something that doesn't suit you.
Yes, yes, I get the issue.
No.
I can give you the information...
Yes, but it's not my fault
they charged you.
There is someone pretending to be you
requesting cell phones.
So, I'm telling you the process
we have to follow.
I need you to send an email.
I'm Carmen, I told you at the beginning.
I need you to write the email
so I can send it to my colleagues.
HI CARLES. HOW ARE YOU?
I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT YOUR OFFER.
CAN WE MEET
?
I can't solve it.
Right now,
how would you define yourself?
- How do I define myself?
- Yes.
First of all, I'm a woman.
I think that it's something
I have to reclaim nowadays.
When sometimes, my identity
is still in question.
When people that I meet
question me
or talk to me in masculine form,
or hurt me during my transition.
I feel the need to claim
that I'm a woman,
and also...
because of what happened to me recently,
sometimes I have the feeling
that I'm still very much a child.
I'm a total dreamer.
Maybe a little naïve, ingenuous.
It's something that I'd like to change.
To become someone with a stronger
personality, more empowered...
I don't know if this might be useful,
I haven't known you very long,
but I think you have a lot of character.
A lot of character!
You have plenty of conditions,
and qualities to spare
to do this project.
Okay.
On one hand you said:
"I don't want to be different."
But on the other hand,
I know you have a strong,
artistic personality,
that you've been looking a lot
for your own identity.
This difference, even with your look...
So, I'd like you to talk to me
a little about...
Is this a contradiction for you?
At this point in my life
I see that it's something negative
for me to be different.
I'd like to fit in the world,
with people.
But I see that's not the case.
It's true that there's a part of me
that likes to transgress with fashion...
I like to use this means of expression
but I have to be very feminine too.
Often others remind me of my condition,
and I feel more masculine than ever.
That's the hardest thing to deal with.
Because that's what
everyone else sees in me.
But, after all, I don't see it.
A very easy example,
with boys...
I feel like...
I'll end up alone.
Because no one loves me.
I mean...
It's great to have me as a friend,
as...
But I'll never be someone's woman,
or someone's wife
or just someone's girlfriend.
I don't know.
Boys don't want to be
with me because...
I'm not...
I'm not perfect enough for them.
I don't know how to say this.
Raphi, do you realise that...?
I think you're very capable.
But there will
be a lot of people watching you.
We are working
about the people
that are watching you.
And you let them watch you.
Okay?
Okay.
Come in.
I can't believe it!
Wow!
- Wow!
- Does it look big?
Okay, now we have to make sure
you are in the light.
- Okay.
- Okay?
Whenever you're ready, Raphi.
I feel excluded
from the representation of the sexes.
Why aren't there trans mannequins?
Man, woman. What does it mean?
Who is to say how a man should be?
Or how a woman should be?
To fit in, or not to fit in?
Be who they expect you to be
or be yourself?
For me, that's the question.
Sorry,
just one step back, and stand here.
Do you feel the heat here?
- Okay.
- That's it.
- Much better!
- Thank you, Llorenç.
- Thanks a lot.
- You're welcome.
Okay, so let's do it again.
This is the position, OK?
- Perfect. Great.
- Okay?
Eugenio, can we repeat the scene?
I don't know if it's a typical comment,
but why do you torture yourself so much?
I see you as a very attractive girl.
Well, I don't torture myself,
but I see the truth. I mean...
After all, when...
when I start a relationship
with someone or whatever
the boys always run away.
Perhaps I'm attractive,
but then what?
Sometimes I feel like
I'm a fucking image, and nothing else.
- Many of disappointments?
- Disappointments?
Well, yeah, a lot...
You haven't met your prince charming?
I'm not even looking
for a prince charming.
I don't know
why you say that, but...
I'm just looking for company.
You aren't looking for a prince,
but someone...
to share with...
- Yes, totally.
- Someone to trust in...
Yes exactly.
Someone to merge with,
to be one with, to become...
- Of course.
- So nice.
- You don't?
- That's bullshit.
- What do you mean that's bullshit?
- I don't want it.
I think
that people are born alone,
we die alone, and on that path
which can be short or long,
we will meet different partners
who can even be simultaneous.
For me this Disney fairy tale
about the love of my life,
my other half...
I am already whole.
I don't want to be with a half.
I'm whole on my own.
Do you live it well?
I live however I can.
What you're telling me
is very beautiful, but...
unfortunately, I don't seem to find...
those partners that easy.
The few boys
that are interested in me...
- Hi!
- What?
I'm interested.
You're interested.
And what's gonna happen then?
- What's gonna happen?
- Nothing.
If you're going to be like that,
nothing will happen.
And if it doesn't,
but something just as beautiful happens?
- How...?
- Let's go with the flow.
Yes, sure, we go with the flow,
and tomorrow?
Tomorrow is tomorrow!
We could talk for hours
about what "normal" means, but...
the separation that you see,
and the violence that you feel
sometimes,
we don't have it.
- In the play, right.
- I think we need to take that route.
I want to be strong.
I want to be able to face any look.
And then I think
and feel with my entire being
that I cannot go back
because I can't let
those looks break me.
I can't take a step back.
If I do, nothing would have made sense.
If I do it, I give in to fear,
to their desires.
I give in to them,
to those that look violently,
to those that treat you like an object.
None of us can give a step back.
No trans or cis woman,
or whoever.
How long will we
have to deal with this superiority?
This arrogance that's everywhere.
Sometimes in a very obvious way,
other times very subtle.
How dare you?
Why do you dress so strange?
What are you?
Why are you so different?
I don't want them to devour me.
I want to be who I am.
To the boy that I was.
To the girl I was without knowing it.
To you, who I don't even know.
To you, who I love
without even knowing you.
To you, an image in my mind.
I am Raphaëlle.
Damn, this text is intense.
Yes.
So...
Is it OK?
Can we work with this?
It comes from the things you told me.
They're your words, your experience...
If you identify yourself in the text,
we'll try it in a scene.
Yes, I see myself, but...
I think it will be very hard.
I don't know, I don't think I'm capable.
What are you? How dare you?
You dress so weird.
Who do you think you are?
Why are you so different?
I start counting the stops.
They are like pieces
of Paris history.
The voice that announces
pronounces
with different inflections.
I always liked this detail.
République.
Oberkampf.
Charonne, Rue des Boulets
Nation, Buzenval,
Maraîchers.
Porte de Montreuil.
From this moment on...
I leave behind the sparkling
and elegant Paris, the Paris of dreams.
This is the real world, dark,
dangerous, violent.
This is the real world,
dark, dangerous,
violent.
Two men are looking at me.
At me? Impossible.
Yes,
they look at me, up and down, staring.
It's more than curiosity,
it's perverse, disgusting.
They come near me,
I get up, I go to the door
to be closer to the exit.
They must be coming for me.
I arrive at the third...
- I run up the stairs.
- Okay, let's start again.
- From here!
- From here?
Yes. Calm down! Don't speed up!
Hey! What are you doing?
- I'm putting this on.
- Let me see.
- Are you nervous?
- Yes.
- Me too.
- You too?
A lot. Look.
- Am I nervous or what?
- Yes.
Yes, right?
Fuck!
- No.
- No? Okay,
Stop, stop!
- Why?
- I don't want to come yet.
- Don't you?
- Wait.
- Why?
- You first.
- Why?
- You first.
- She leaves her hideout.
- Okay.
Does the whole monologue...
My cue is
"what does it mean to be a woman."
I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND
I DON'T KNOW
IF YOU'RE FREE, I'D LIKE TO SEE YOU
- How are you?
- Hi.
- How are you?
- Fine, you?
- Fine.
- Yes?
Well, everything ended...
well "ended"... I mean...
Yes, it ended.
Because you disappeared!
I didn't disappear!
I mean...
- You avoided me.
- You're a bit extreme, aren't you?
Maybe,
but, what do you want me to say?
- I don't know.
- You're always over the top.
Yeah.
But I'd like to know why.
It was really intense for me.
I wasn't...
looking for a relationship
or something stable.
- I noticed that you were...
- But we didn't say that.
- We didn't even talk about that.
- I know...
But I noticed you were pulling
harder than I was ready for.
I also noticed things.
I'm in a place where
I'm getting my shit together again...
I don't know, maybe I need more time.
I don't know...
And it also scared you
to be with me.
A little, yeah.
- Out of ignorance...
- Ignorance?
I also have my doubts.
This is completely new to me.
I mean, I understand that for you
it has not been easy to accept
a relationship with a trans girl
for all that it involves...
to your...
friends, the approval...
But I'm not talking
about going that far...
I addressed the topic
as best I could...
But I didn't know
how to touch you,
what you were comfortable with.
It was there, like a taboo.
Maybe you didn't know
how to do it and I...
didn't know how to address it,
in a mature way.
But if you don't guide me a little,
it's difficult for me.
Yeah, I understand perfectly.
It wasn't easy for anyone.
It's a shame that we couldn't
verbalise it at the time.
Now, it's three months later.
- But it's not a lost cause, isn't it?
- No, I know.
I don't even know if you want
us to continue seeing each other...
I don't know
if you are dating someone.
If I'm dating someone? No.
- No? Are you sure?
- Yes, why?
Because you're smiling.
- It's like you're in a divan...
- Divan?
I feel like a psychoanalyst
and you're my patient.
- I love it!
- Yeah? Can I ask you questions?
- Of course.
- I turn away a bit,
like they do
to avoid eye contact...
It's true, they do that!
- Oh, really?
- Of course.
You're French. There's a big
psychoanalysis school there.
So I can ask you...
What do you like the most about sex?
- What do I like the most?
- Yes.
Maybe it sounds stupid,
but the presence of the other person.
It doesn't sound stupid.
I thought that with a vagina,
I would be accepted
and desired by a boy.
Yeah.
- But that doesn't guarantee anything.
- No, I mean...
I can't do anything.
I can't even go to a private clinic,
because I don't have the money, so...
So I have to wait and...
I think that now it's time
for me to accept myself.
And that's it.
I take these three years to...
see where they take me...
And that's it, I come first.
You come first.
This is me at 4 years old.
And this is me
a little younger, at 2 years old.
And this is Raphi,
about 24 years ago.
I'm hiding
like I did for many years.
I'm not an actress.
But I can lie, pretend,
I'm good at that.
I played a role for 20 years,
but the day arrived
when I decided to cross the line,
the border, the limit.
What are you?
How dare you?
You dress so weird!
Who do you think you are?
Why are you so,
so different?
I leave behind the sparkling
and elegant Paris, the Paris of dreams.
This is the real world.
You have gender dysphoria.
No one will love you
in this body.
Don't look for me.
Don't look, don't answer,
don't listen.
I'm sorry, it feels really weird
to refer to you in the feminine form.
Do your parents support you?
You' should speak with a professional.
I love you.
Are you sure?
You won't be able to turn back.
Do you masturbate?
I want you to fuck me from behind.
You can't leave me like this.
Good morning.
How can I help you?
In my dressing room...
Look at you!
Raphi!
Come and toast with me!
Oops, the glass!
Put as much as you want.
- I'm your masterpiece.
- A little more?
IN MEMORY OF PATRICIA PEREZ (1966-2020)
Subtitles: Mecal Subt
---
Come.
Are you horny?
Are you OK?
Sure?
Relax, relax, hey, relax.
What's wrong?
Relax, relax. We're here.
Hey, what's wrong?
Rafa man, what's wrong?
Relax, don't worry.
My Emptiness and I.
What is your female name?
My female name?
- Do you have a female name?
- No.
And if you had one? What would it be?
I don't know.
I've never thought about it.
Okay, so I'll put Raphael, Okay?
If you want put Raphaëlle with LL and E,
which is the female version in French.
- ¿With F or...?
- PH.
PH.
Rapha... ëlle.
- LL and E at the end.
- LL and E at the end.
- "Raphael"?
- Raphaëlle.
Oh, Raphaëlle.
Okay, so... it sounds the same
in masculine and feminine.
Alright.
How do you define yourself?
What do you mean?
I mean, um...
You define yourself:
I am a boy, I am a girl...
- I'm a boy, of course.
- I'm a boy.
And how do you feel?
What do you mean how do I feel?
I don't understand these questions.
There's a difference.
One thing is how do you define yourself.
You name yourself. Another thing
is how you feel more intimately.
If you close your eyes
and you let yourself feel...
Do you feel like a girl?
Do you feel like a boy?
Well, what is feeling like a girl
or like a boy? I don't...
It's something very deep and intimate.
I can't answer that for you.
Well, neither can I.
Okay, don't answer that.
But I see you are dressed like a woman.
Well, yes...
Do you usually
dress like a woman?
When I was studying in Paris I did.
I don't know, I like feminine clothes.
Alright, I'll note that down. Okay.
Moving on to the more intimate
questions.
What did you play with
when you were little?
- With dolls.
- Dolls.
How did you pee?
- Sitting.
- Sitting.
Did you wear a bra?
No.
You didn't pretend to...
I know that when you're a child
you don't have breasts, but you pretend.
Just like you played with dolls...
- Did you wear one?
- No, no.
No.
Alright.
How did you masturbate?
I don't know what to say.
For example, when you masturbated,
did you look at yourself?
- Did you look at your genitals?
- No.
That was the question.
To know if you did it
with the lights on or in the dark.
So you could look at yourself
or not. That was the question.
Those were
the most difficult questions.
Wait, let me start the update.
OK. I have to do a synchronisation
that will take thirty minutes...
and in thirty minutes
you should have the internet back.
Okay?
Please, stop insisting
or I will have to hang up.
Okay fine, listen: goodbye.
- Hello?
- Hello.
- Hi, dad.
- Hi Rapha! How are you?
- Fine, you?
- Fine.
- Yeah?
- What's wrong? You sound strange.
No, I just left the psychologist.
And?
So...
She told me that...
apparently, it's gender dysphoria.
Gender dysphoria? What's that?
I didn't quite understand because
I was in shock, but basically...
She thinks that...
Actually, she thinks that
I'm a girl in a boy's body.
That's it basically.
Alright.
So, what do you have to do?
I don't really know.
She talked about
a hormonal treatment, but...
I don't know, it seems really...
I feel like I have no choice.
She just informed me...
and now I have to make a decision.
She's sending me
to the endocrinologist, but...
I don't know. It seems...
Sweetheart, in any case...
we have to do something.
Yes, but... do what?
Gender dysphoria.
DO YOU THINK I'M A LEGITIMATE GIRL?
LEGITIMATE FOR?
THAT'S FOR YOU TO DECIDE.
YES
YOU'RE RIGHT.
#LOVEISINTHEAIR
BUT IT'S BLOWING THE WRONG WAY
Álex. According to his profile,
he's thirty years old.
He's amazing. Look.
He's handsome, right?
It's just to take off a little bit.
It happens to me too,
when I put on makeup at home,
later I'll look at myself
in my car mirror,
it's too much and
I have to remove it.
It happens sometimes.
Don't worry, I'll take it off.
Okay.
- Raphi?
- Hi.
Hi, I'm Alex.
How are you?
Sorry I'm late.
- Fine, and you?
- Fine, have you been waiting long?
- No, not at all.
- Okay.
- Where are you from?
- I'm French.
- Yes, you have an accent.
- Yes, horrible, right?
No, come on, I love it.
I lived in Paris.
- Whereabouts in France?
- I was born in Perpignan.
- What do you do?
- I'm a musician.
- Musician? Wow.
- Yes.
- How cool is that.
- I play the guitar.
- I have an Indie band, in Catalan.
- Cool!
Yes, it's really nice.
And you? You're also really creative.
Well, yes. I write sometimes...
- Do you write too?
- Yes, I write.
I like a lot of things.
I like art in general,
photography, fashion, but...
Of course, fashion.
Why did you choose to be
a designer or...?
Well, I'm not a designer.
I work in a call centre.
- Well, still...
- Yeah, fashion...
- Well... it's my passion.
- Our job isn't who we are.
- We are what we like.
- That's true. Yes, totally.
Me too, I was into this
since I was little, and...
Did you dress up as a child?
- I imagine...
- With my mother's clothes.
- Did you?
- Of course. I made up my stories...
And you design your own...?
It's really flamboyant,
but in a cool way.
- Really? You like it?
- Yes.
Nice. I'm glad.
What do you think of me?
- I don't know, I like yours too.
- Yeah?
Yes, it's very...
- Musician look.
- Yeah, a bit. It suits you.
Yeah.
It's a bit late.
- I have to go.
- Yeah?
- Okay.
- It's a bit late for me.
- Did you enjoy yourself?
- I did.
- Yeah? Me too.
- Cool.
- I really liked getting to know you.
- Thank you, me too.
Well, it's a shame that
you're leaving alone like this.
Well, if you want
to tell me something more...
What?
What do you want me to tell you?
Something about you,
I don't know.
Like what?
I don't know. What do you want to know?
Well.
I've always been with girls.
I mean, with "girls-girls".
That were born girls.
So I'm...
I mean, it doesn't bother me.
But I didn't know
if you wanted to tell me.
I don't know what to tell you.
Yes, I was born...
a boy
but it doesn't make me less of a girl.
- I mean, I don't think so.
- No, of course.
I don't know.
- See you another day?
- Yes.
- Well, I'm leaving.
- Okay.
- Take care.
- Take care.
- Bye.
- We'll talk, okay?
Okay, perfect.
That's it! Wow!
Come on!
Much better!
That's how I like it! Good, Raphi!
I want you to push harder.
Okay, let's do it again, Sexy!
That's it, loosen your shoulders...
A little bigger.
That's it! This is almost over.
And each time
we raise our arms, we yell.
I can't hear you!
- How are you feeling?
- Fine, honestly. I'm fine.
You look really good.
Have you noticed any side effects
since the treatment started?
At first, yes.
A lot of mood swings.
Everything affected me,
I cried without knowing why...
Things like that.
And now, I'm getting used to it,
and I'm doing better.
You are dealing with your emotions.
All these changes
are normal with oestrogens.
Alright.
It is clear that
you look a lot more feminine.
- Thank you.
- The analysis is correct.
I think it's the perfect time
to have your first meeting
with the surgeon.
- What do you think?
- With the surgeon?
Yes.
It would be the first visit.
Have you seriously thought
about reassignment?
Well, it seems really early.
I mean, I'm not...
at that stage yet.
- You're at this stage.
- What do you mean?
You've done the whole treatment
for a year...
One year seems very little to me.
But, have you made a decision?
Not yet.
Have you had any sexual intercourse
this year?
- No.
- No.
Alright.
Let's see...
I think I can give you
two or three months
so you can make
an informed decision
of what you really want to do.
- I'll explain.
- I know what I want right now.
What do you want?
I want to meet a man
who loves me as I am
without having to change, that's it.
Right.
Can I give you a personal advice
supported by years of experience
in this department?
If you continue to have
a male sexual organ,
you'll be fetishized
by the majority of the men you meet
and you'll probably feel
like a sex object.
I'm not really sure.
Unfortunately, that's how it is.
Some won't, but that's the usual.
If it's okay for you, let's see
each other again in a few months.
- Okay.
- Meanwhile, continue
with the hormone treatment
like you've been doing
and try to have sexual intercourse
to see what happens, how you feel.
- Where you stand.
- Okay.
FRENCH, ROMANTIC AND TRANS.
WOW! YOU DON'T LOOK TRANS.
- WHAT DO I LOOK LIKE THEN?
- A GIRL.
Raphaëlle.
HAVE YOU HAD SURGERY?
NO
THEN WHY DON'T YOU LOOK FOR A GIRL?
BECAUSE I'M STRAIGHT
THAT TURNS ME ON
TURNS YOU ON?
THE UNKNOWN
I'M NOT AN ALIEN
Hello.
- Hello.
- You're A it or, right?
- Yes, and you are Raphi?
- Yes.
- How are you?
- Fine, and you?
I'm fine, too.
You look definitely better in person
compared to your photos.
Really? that's a compliment,
thank you.
- You seem nervous.
- No.
- Aren't you?
- No.
Okay.
But are you okay?
You seem...
very closed off.
Is there something wrong?
No, I'm fine, it's...
Nothing... stuff.
You know.
- Work stuff...
- You can tell me if you need to.
I don't want to see you so...
I don't know you well enough
to tell you all that.
I don't know, I don't want
to burden you.
Me too, I'm nervous.
- Maybe you can't tell but...
- Doesn't seem like it.
Well, I am.
It seems like
you do it every day.
Well.
Do you usually
meet up with people
on these kinds of apps to fuck?
- I don't know.
- What do you mean, you don't know?
I'm looking for boys.
But then meeting up is more difficult.
Why?
On your side or theirs?
No, on theirs.
- Oh really? Why?
- Yes.
Well...
I don't really know.
You don't know
or you don't want to tell me?
Well, you can imagine it,
I'm not gonna draw you a picture.
Well.
Let's say I don't have
a lot of imagination. Tell me.
No, tell me about yourself.
You haven't even told me where you live,
or what's your job. You are the mystery.
The most important thing
is to be safe, okay?
Be safe?
What are you talking about?
I'm saying this because you told me
I should buy the condoms.
I thought maybe sometimes
you don't use condoms.
- Do you use condoms?
- What? Of course.
Okay.
Isn't it normal for me to ask you that?
- Yes.
- You are the one who's gonna wear them.
Yeah well, I don't know.
But If I didn't buy them, then what?
- Is anyone here?
- I don't know.
Come.
- Nice room.
- Yeah? Thanks.
- Ready?
- Yes.
- What's wrong?
- It hurts.
- A little more gentle?
- Yes.
What's wrong?
- Should we continue?
- No!
Where's the bathroom?
That way, behind.
- I'm gonna go, okay?
- Okay.
I want the surgery,
but I'm really lost.
Because I have many doubts,
a lot of fear...
Because if I get the surgery,
I want to have a normal,
and functional life,
that if I touch myself, I feel it,
and everything else.
In that sense,
I want to tell you that nowadays,
with almost any surgeon
you will have
the sensibility issue solved.
If you've had
a more or less fulfilling sex life,
as much as possible.
This will surely benefit
the sexuality after the vagina.
And that's not up to the surgeon.
That also depends on ourselves,
and it's one of the things
that we try to work on here.
The surgery also scares me a lot.
It scares me
because of what it is,
because of the blood,
or the operating room...
I know nothing about the topic,
and I'm here because they told me
I'd find the information
I need to make a decision.
I'm going to ask you a question, Raphi.
What are your expectations
for the vaginoplasty, at the moment?
When you have a vagina,
the day you do,
how do you imagine yourself?
But I don't know if I want to have one.
You don't know. Okay.
- Not yet.
- You still don't know.
Let me tell you something:
when the time comes
you will be under anaesthesia
and you won't feel a thing.
We can all agree, I mean
everyone that has gone through it.
At your age, I would say don't worry.
You will go through
a physical transition
that is permanent.
So, give yourself time,
to know when you're ready.
And the real fear
comes when you stop loving yourself.
If you keep loving yourself,
I don't know why but the fear.
But what's interesting
is that, nowadays, you can say that.
Before, in the 70's and 80's
people with botched surgeries
didn't say anything.
Because of the fear of being judged.
Then, we have this one here,
also from Spain.
We can see that the urinary tract
is very red.
This is a sign of inflammation
and possibly an infection
and it's also facing up.
So, the urine
comes out like a sprinkler,
sometimes, getting their clothes wet,
even spraying outside
of the toilet. That could happen.
Above, is the clitoris.
We can see it has
labia minor a and a very small hood
that doesn't really cover it.
That's also missing.
And this one here,
is a necrosis.
We can see
the tissue under the clitoris,
with the corresponding fibrin
and the tissue badly stitched.
They went back to surgery. And as
all the tissue underneath was damaged
they faced the clitoris up,
I guess.
They leave it out.
That's really uncomfortable.
- Hello.
- Hello, it's Raphi.
Come in.
The bass.
- Your bass.
- I don't know how to sing it.
No, here.
Ladies, do you know
how to open the wine?
Fucking hell, what's going on here?
Do you want me to show it to you?
You think?
So you can see
what the surgery looks like.
- Okay.
- Look.
See?
It's closed, you don't see anything,
because if you see the clitoris,
it can rub and cause problems.
But if I open it, you can see
the hood of the clitoris, the clitoris,
here's the urethra
and the vaginal opening underneath.
- Okay.
- I like it a lot.
Did you imagine it like this?
I had no idea.
It's the first time.
- Well, now you've seen it.
- Well, yeah.
Well, that's it.
Other than the fact that I like it,
it works well because I have orgasms...
Oh, that's great.
That's the most important.
- Raphi.
- Hello. Raphi, nice to meet you.
Were you playing in our absence
to practice and beat us?
- I'm Raphi, nice to meet you.
- Who knows...
Use your hand as if you're shooting
a rifle.
Like this, don't move.
Try to hit it in the middle,
or it will jump.
- Damn it.
- There.
- Is it good now?
- Yes, hit it, but...
- Almost.
- No, I'm really bad, I'm sorry ladies.
I don't know how to play this.
After a while, his friend says:
You would get along with my friend
because he's a nature freak like you.
And then we exchanged numbers,
we started talking,
we started going to the mountains...
up until today.
Cool.
I fell in love on the first day,
when he jumped
into the mud to see a salamander larva.
When I saw him on the ground,
I thought: "That's my man!"
Someone who dives
into the mud to see a salamander.
That's beautiful.
I'm alone.
But do you meet people?
Do you party?
Or do you have...?
I don't know.
I don't go out much.
I'm on Tinder, like most of us,
but Tinder grosses me out a bit, for us.
It's complicated, isn't it?
Actually, since many boys
don't know I'm trans,
one day, out of the blue,
I bring the topic up:
"Actually,
all of this gay and trans issues..."
And some people say:
"Yeah, those people that think
they're women".
And me:
"Oh, interesting...".
Well because you pass.
People are like that.
Later, you go on a date,
they see you and they get scared.
- And they can behave badly.
- But not with you.
- I'm sure they don't.
- It has happened to me.
I think it's good
if you're on Tinder and you say:
"I'm trans". And whoever
wants to meet me, can add me.
Yes, but there are many
who are interested in us for...
well, for what I have.
Because you've already...
Oh, okay, that scenario.
That's very hard.
Of course, if you write that
it becomes a sexual fetish.
- Yeah.
- Like: "Hi! I'm a sex object."
- Have you ever met people like that?
- Yes.
When you bring it up,
is like: "I don't know about this."
There are three options:
it goes well, and they don't care.
Two: they tell you to go to hell.
Or three, they're really interested,
because of a sexual fetish.
"I never did this,
but I want to try."
TALK TO ME LIKE YOU WOULD TALK
TO A CIS WOMAN.
WHAT FILM ARE YOU PLAYING IN YOUR HEAD?
FILM?
YOU'RE NOT A WOMAN
AND YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE
A FAT PIECE OF SHIT
HI
CIS?
HI
TRANS
#LOVEISINTHEAIR
AND I CAN'T BREATHE
I came back a week ago,
a little more, ten days ago.
- Where were you before?
- I was in Madrid.
For a while, for a project.
And now, I'm back in Barcelona,
and I'm getting back on track.
Nice.
Do you like the neighbourhood?
Yes, it's fine.
I found a good place.
- But until I organise everything...
- Little by little.
It's a little stressful.
- But it will work out.
- And what about work?
What do you do?
I work in the pharmaceutical industry.
What's that about?
It's a little hard to explain.
I design studies.
I mean, I'm not in the laboratory
with a lab coat.
I design the studies that show
the viability, the safety,
the efficiency of a medicine.
To release a new drug,
or to develop a generic...
Nowadays, the body
imposes itself as
a predilection site
for the social discourse.
What does that mean? The body...?
"These days, the body poses
as the
preferred subject
of social discourse."
Look!
They forgot to dress this one.
No!
It's to show
what the exhibition is about.
About how fashion
modified the body.
It shows how they used
bustles to make it bigger.
It was the beauty standard of the time.
They had to have a big butt, or...
- Of course.
- It wouldn't work.
And these are from the 20's.
"Les années folles", you know?
- What?
- "Les années folles."
- Oh, yeah.
- That period.
The straight lines,
women with no chest, no hips.
Everything very straight and linear.
I like it a lot.
Very shiny too.
What's wrong?
Nothing.
Are you okay?
Don't worry.
Come. Don't worry.
Okay. It's over. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Can I do something?
The exhibition will last one month.
Then the idea is
taking it to other centres.
I'd like you to introduce yourselves
and explain your work a little bit.
Well, I'll start.
My name is Claudia, and I'm a writer.
I wanted to show
a poem that I wrote a few months ago,
right when
I came out of the closet.
I'm looking forward to
seeing it on these walls
and sharing it with people.
It's my turn, right?
My name is Raphi,
and I'm from France.
The truth is that, I don't know
what I'm going to exhibit.
We reached out to you
because of your texts on Instagram?
Yes.
But if you want to do
something more performative.
- Is that possible?
- Yes, whatever you want.
Yeah, I don't know.
I thought of sharing some texts.
But I don't know if you want
something really specific...
Whatever you want to express,
whatever you want to say,
without restraints or barriers.
Okay.
- Hi.
- How are you?
- Fine, and you?
- Fine.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
- What's that?
- White wine.
- You didn't have to.
- Well, I really wanted to.
- Perfect, come in.
- Thank you.
How was your week? How did it go?
Fine. It was busy.
Cheers.
How about you?
Fine, it was a calm week.
- You look very pretty.
- Thank you, you too.
Well, I was a little worried
the other day.
Do you feel better?
- Yes.
- Yeah?
- Yeah, don't worry.
- We didn't talk about it.
- Yeah.
- I didn't know...
Well, that's it.
- Don't talk about it anymore.
- I will not.
Okay, perfect.
Do you want to?
You don't?
Okay, it's fine.
- Good morning.
- Hi.
- How are you?
- I'm fine, you?
- Fine. Did you sleep well?
- Yes.
I don't think I have anything
for breakfast.
- No?
- No.
Cool.
Can we take a picture?
- Of what?
- I don't know, a selfie.
- If you want to.
- Can we?
Yeah, of course.
- Come on.
- On top of it?
Come on.
Don't look that much,
you look very pretty.
- Are you sure?
- Yes.
Okay.
I don't know if this is my style.
- You don't like it?
- No, it's cool but...
- I have to think about it.
- Okay.
- Hi, good morning.
- Hi.
Can I help you?
Well, we're just looking,
because I need to furnish
my entire flat.
I've just moved in nearby.
Okay, if you need information
or you want to buy something...
- Honey?
- I do want to buy!
- Sofas? They're over there, right?
- Yes, sofas on that side.
OMG! I love this one.
- I love this one.
- No way!
- Sit down.
- Let's see.
- It's cool, isn't it?
- Very cool.
- Where would you put this?
- I don't know, in the bathroom?
In the bathroom?
Well. I'll have to think about it.
It's very original.
- Very beautiful.
- Just original?
- Well...
- Don't you like it?
- You definitely like it more.
- I love it!
Do you want to come in?
I'd love to,
but if you don't mind
I'd rather use this time
to organise things
before the weekend is over.
Well, we could eat something.
We haven't eaten anything.
Yeah...
- You don't want to?
- I do.
But I'd rather...
Don't get upset,
but I have things to do...
Okay. Me too,
I also have things to do.
- Don't get upset.
- No, I'm not upset, don't worry.
- Really? You seem...
- No, it's fine.
- You sure?
- Yeah, that's fine.
- I'll call you.
- Yes, of course.
- We had a good time, right?
- Absolutely, I loved it.
Don't worry.
That's what we'll do, okay?
- Okay.
- Perfect.
- Thanks a lot.
- Thank you.
- Hey, you better call me.
- I'll call you.
Well, well, well! Welcome!
Trinitat Vella!
A loud applause!
Come on, come on!
Of course.
Welcome to the first LGBTI exhibition
of Trinitat Vella called.
"The Collective."
Come here, Raphaëlle, my love.
- Can I call you Raphi?
- Yes, of course.
Raphi, for friends. French?
- Yes, you can tell?
- No, not at all. You're from Cadiz!
You look totally from the south,
my pussy.
What do you have for us, my love?
I brought some collages
I made a little while ago.
"My Emptiness..."
This is yours, right?
Yes.
Stop seeing what you don't want to see.
So deep, girl!
Were you high?
To love,
to build a relationship, a house,
a home,
to plan, to have kids, lots of them,
to be happy with them,
to spoil them, to take care of them,
to adore them,
to have a simple and peaceful life,
to have a life that's
full of joy and happiness.
To stop being a weirdo.
To enjoy and to write a better future.
More beautiful.
- Very good.
- Thank you.
- I loved it.
- Really?
Yes, because I'm also a weirdo.
In my own way
and what we have to do is surrender and
start living for once in this fucking
life and society,
even if it's really hard,
we aren't alone.
We have "The Dyke"...
The entire collective,
and not only them,
people in the neighbourhood
we are getting closer to.
Making ourselves listened to.
And although that respect
comes from just a few people,
to feel
as if they were a thousand.
He told me we were boys,
that there were boys with tits.
We look at each other's breasts.
Before, our breasts
were two big spheres
and now, a mantle
of skin and textures.
He told me we should
love our chest because it changes,
takes on other forms,
another kind of softness
and it gives us another type of pleasure
that no one speaks of.
We get lost
in their stretch marks,
in the ninety centimetres
that are no longer there,
in the story it tells,
in the echo of our new masculinity.
With our sex,
with our spectrum,
with our androgyny,
with our new scars,
and with our feminine curves.
This body is our landscape,
and here we stay.
I don't know. Everyone's work
seemed better.
- Well...
- The poems?
- Everything.
- You can't compare.
Some of your collages
are really interesting.
- Very powerful.
- Yes.
You have to keep developing
more and more,
because you have something
very interesting.
Well, the one about the king
creeped me out a little...
Excuse me, ladies.
Raphaëlle meet Carles.
He's a theatre director and
he wants talk to you.
Okay, great.
- Hi, nice to meet you.
- Hi, Raphi, nice to meet you.
- Congratulations.
- Thanks a lot.
I loved it, it really touched me.
- Well, excuse me, I'm Carles.
- Anna.
Maybe now isn't a good time.
I have a theatre company.
We are focused on documentary theatre.
We work with people
that are not professional actors.
I'd like to get a coffee
with you one day and talk...
- Yes, perfect.
- Yeah? I'll give you my card.
- Call me one day.
- Okay, great.
Okay, here you go.
- Great, thanks a lot.
- Take care.
Thanks a lot, bye.
Well, he didn't kiss me.
I don't know... how to take it.
HI.
HOW'S YOUR WEEK, HANDSOME?
HEY, I'M FINE.
QUITE BUSY.
Yes, today I am a woman with a penis.
Do I have to change it for a vagina?
Would that make me more normal?
Being normal is just a concept.
Being normal doesn't mean anything.
Normality doesn't exist.
Every one of us is one of a kind.
A penis doesn't have
to be a limit or an obstacle
in a woman's life.
We, trans people don't have to change
our bodies.
All we have to change
is how people
keeps perceiving us nowadays.
That's the real cause,
we have to fight for.
- Exactly.
- Very good.
- An applause.
- Thank you.
Thanks a lot.
For me, there was a sentence that
disrupted me a little bit.
When you say we don't need
to change our body.
What we need to change
is how others see us.
Exactly.
Obviously,
the second part is correct
because social pressure exists.
- Of course.
- But it exists for everybody.
Even for queer people.
Those queer people
that you just described here,
where everyone is happy,
everyone accepts themselves,
they don't have any problems.
Well, I don't know.
That seems like Disneyland.
I think that all queer people
have their own problems.
Obviously. They are human beings.
But why do we always fight
for ourselves
and we don't fight with queer people
for these issues?
I am going to give you
a simple answer.
If you are on that border,
where you don't really know,
I'd tell you to you jump from
side to side or to stay in the middle.
But until you know
by yourself
where you'll find
this feeling of belonging,
you're denying me...
- I'm not denying you anything.
- Not you.
Sorry, in general.
The queer world
is denying
a vital part of ourselves,
which is to feel fulfilled
because we can have our vagina.
- No!
- Yes, that's how it is!
- I...
- No, no, no...
One small thing.
On both sides,
thing are being said
that infringe on our personal freedom.
I-Vaginarium isn't about that.
I-Vaginarium goes beyond being a woman.
This is about helping each other
to become a better person
with the tools we have.
From there, you have to ask yourself
what kind of woman do you want to be.
Up, up, down, down!
More energy!
And now we are going to dance
for someone.
Let's go down slowly.
Wow! No one can see us!
A little higher.
And now, the challenge.
I go down and up.
Now! And up!
That's it! A little faster!
Down and up. That's it!
Shake your body!
It's four in the morning
and the party is yours!
I liked that one more.
We're going to turn around.
That's it ladies! Like every day
I want to say goodbye
to my blondies!
Thank you!
HI HANDSOME
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
DO YOU LIKE IT?
I'M NEXT TO YOUR PLACE
Hi there!
#LOVEISINTHEAIR
BUT IT'S POLLUTED
Look over there.
She just took a picture of us.
- Really?
- Yes. I think she did.
Let's see if something comes out.
- Why?
- I don't know.
- Of Zaskia?
- Yes.
- Her?
- Yes, she took a photo.
- But why?
- I don't know, but I noticed.
- Hi, excuse me. Do you speak Spanish?
- Yes.
Why were you taking pictures
of my daughter?
I didn't take any picture.
Yes, my husband told me.
You did it when you were walking.
Why are you taking pictures of us?
- Well, it's a project that I have...
- A project for what?
An artistic project
of couples I see in the street.
- And you're an artist? What kind?
- Yes, I'm.
- And what are you?
- Why do you care?
That's none of your business.
You took a picture
and we're asking you to delete it.
Show it to me please.
You can't see your face, look.
But it doesn't matter.
It's my daughter.
Can you delete the picture please?
There are laws!
- I think you should delete it.
- You can't do this!
We came here to kindly ask you
to delete it.
And I think you should do it.
Okay, so I'll delete it.
That's children's rights.
- It's done!
- Thank you.
- Okay, good evening.
- It's done. Bye.
- It's enough!
- Why is she taking pictures?
She didn't ask for permission.
You have to ask for permission
to do it.
Especially a child.
DON'T MAKE ME WASTE MY TIME, PLEASE
PHOTOS XXX?
NO
I'll SEND YOU MINE.
DO YOU GIVE DICK?
NO
I'M BLOCKING YOU
“HORNY? CAN I RAPE U?
WHAT?
I'D EAT YOUR ASS
I HAVE DIARROHEA
DO YOU HAVE A PLACE?
- Hi.
- Hi.
- How are you?
- Fine.
Yeah?
- And you?
- I'm fine.
What's wrong?
Are you kidding me?
What's wrong?
I was not supposed to meet a dude.
Well, I'm not a dude.
- You're not a dude?
- I'm not.
I know who I am.
Yeah? And the girl in the pictures?
- I am the girl in the pictures.
- Oh, really?
What's your problem?
I don't understand.
“My problem is I'm not meant to be
meeting up with a dude to fuck.
And I'm not fag,
do you understand?
I'm not gay either.
- Oh, you're not fag?
- No.
- No?
- Well, no.
- You're a chick?
- Of course.
And your voice, where's it from?
- Well, I think we'll leave it here.
- Yeah, we are going to leave it here.
Sure. I want nothing
to do with you.
Fuck off.
Neither do I.
- Go away.
- The truth is...
What's the truth?
Damn it!
Why are you lying to me?
I didn't lie to you.
I owe you nothing.
I don't have to tell you anything.
Yes, you do,
because we met up to fuck.
- And I don't like dudes.
- But I'm a chick.
- What's your fucking problem?
- You're a chick?
Do you want me
to fuck you in the ass?
Do you have a problem?
Yes, I have a problem,
I'm not into faggots.
So, you can fuck off.
But I'm not gay though.
- You aren't gay?
- No.
You're a tranny.
You're going to fool
your fucking mother. Fuck off.
Leave!
Go fool your fucking mother!
Fuck off!
- Fuck, that's enough!
- Go lie to your fucking mother.
Creep. Fuck off!
Hi.
Where are you going that beautiful?
Are you OK?
Yes, all good.
Is something wrong?
No.
- Good morning!
- Hi.
Raphi! What a change, honey!
- Hi.
- How are you?
Babe, you look so pretty with that hair,
it looks great on you.
But, that face?
What's wrong?
Hi!
- Hi.
- Hi.
Wow! So blonde!
I thought it would be darker.
Me too.
Hello, this is Elena,
how can I help you?
Raphi, honey, what's wrong?
What's wrong, my love?
Wait... these are coming...
Good morning!
How was your weekend?
- Fine.
- Oh, Raphi, this new look?
But you're piecing it together
without really knowing why he left you.
- I don't know, boys are really strange.
- People in general.
He's probably afraid of society,
the looks, the prejudice.
I don't know, I can't explain.
He didn't give you an explanation.
You know what? He doesn't deserve you.
- It's not worth it.
- No, but...
- The problem is the expectations.
- With your self-esteem...
What do we imagine a relationship is?
It's like fantasy that we make up
about what the other
has to give us.
The reality
often doesn't fit that pattern.
No, it doesn't.
Maybe, we need to lower
those expectations.
We get too excited
and we have such a romantic idea
of princesses and prince charming...
What has been taught to us
as children.
When that all breaks down
- it's a drama.
- Well, that's how it is.
But, in the end,
we're all exposed to this.
It's true that there are people
with more difficulties in life,
but difficulties are opportunities
to become stronger.
People that decide
to accept who they are
are much braver than a person
that is comfortable with everything.
Yes, but one thing is feeling
comfortable,
and the other is feeling complete
and, at the moment,
I don't feel complete...
Give it time!
Of course you'll be able to!
You think that having a vagina
will end all your sexual problems.
- Of course.
- No, I'm telling you.
- Maybe not.
- Not necessarily.
- Not necessarily.
- Why not?
Listen... first of all, sexuality
isn't just genitals.
Sex goes a little further...
- Do you enjoy it?
- Enjoying of your skin,
the eye contact,
different things, okay?
I had relationships
where I was really happy
with the orgasms of my partners,
- but I felt a little...
- Of your partners!
And you faked it, classic!
I didn't fake it!
But if I didn't come, I didn't come.
In that moment, I thought:
"I don't mind,"
because I had...
the fantasy of a relationship.
The fantasy of it being
the be-all and end-all...
and that you're incomplete
if you don't have someone.
But it's a lie!
And the more expectations you have
for things to be a certain way,
- the more frustrated you'll feel.
- Of course.
But ladies,
Raphi hasn't told you something.
- Go on, tell us.
- Because, it's not all sadness, honey.
- Tell them.
- There are definitely good things.
Tell them about the theatre director.
Well, a theatre director
has approached me to do a play.
Wow!
They were looking
for a trans-girl
to tell her... her story.
And don't you think that could
be an opportunity to heal?
I think they chose a trans-girl,
because she's trans.
In the same way, when
there's a play about a black person.
It's like they used to do here,
when they painted King Balthazar black.
There are black people,
so they choose a black person.
They're not going
to choose a girl that's not trans.
But I'm tired of being chosen
because I'm trans,
that they see me as trans,
that they limit me to being trans.
I'm going to do a very basic exam
just to see the tissue, okay?
- Okay.
- Okay, pull it up.
Okay.
Very good.
Well, Raphi like I was saying,
the surgery can be done.
Now it's about you telling me
what you want to know,
if you have any doubts...
I have several doubts, like knowing
if it's functional,
if there's sensitivity
once the surgery is done.
Alright, about sensitivity...
That's one of the main goals
of the surgery.
It will never be like the sensitivity
that you have in your penis now.
But yes, you will have sensitivity.
Okay.
So, there's no risk of the body
rejecting the future vagina?
Good question.
But don't worry, because
we're going to use your own tissue.
Your body won't reject it.
I also wanted to know,
if there is a time frame...
If I could know
when the surgery would be.
Raphi, you're on the waiting list.
You are number 73,
so it will be at least three years.
- A three-year wait?
- Yes.
Okay.
Listen, Raphi. These are the spots
that are managed by the government.
This is also important because
you'll start
preparing for this situation.
I know if you've made it this far,
it's because you're convinced of
what you want to do,
but this is a major surgery
that can't be reversed.
Okay.
Okay.
Oh, what a surprise!
You have a new look!
No, it's not great.
No! I think it's...
...pretty. It's like
a bluish-grey, silver, isn't it?
Yes, but I wanted blond, not blue.
- It's not my style.
- But it looks good!
I don't know.
- It's rock & roll!
- Yeah, but I'm not rock.
I'm glam.
Well yeah.
Yes, but it's pretty
and the hair will come back...
But I can see in your face
that something's wrong.
- There's something that...
- You seem sad.
Well, I just got back from the surgeon.
And so?
So, it's a three-year wait.
Yeah, I understand three years is a lot.
Does it seem long to you?
Yes dad, there are seventy girls
before me.
What am I going to do?
My plan was to do it now.
Watch the news.
Waiting lists tend to be longer.
I don't think three years is that long.
Also, those three years are to
fully process the idea and...
...so that the girls
that take this route, are sure.
And don't worry,
we're with you, your sisters too.
The whole family is with you.
Everyone supports you, and like I said,
if you really need to, just come home.
Barcelona isn't going anywhere.
Come back whenever you want to.
There are many possibilities.
You don't have to be stuck
...in something that doesn't suit you.
Yes, yes, I get the issue.
No.
I can give you the information...
Yes, but it's not my fault
they charged you.
There is someone pretending to be you
requesting cell phones.
So, I'm telling you the process
we have to follow.
I need you to send an email.
I'm Carmen, I told you at the beginning.
I need you to write the email
so I can send it to my colleagues.
HI CARLES. HOW ARE YOU?
I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT YOUR OFFER.
CAN WE MEET
?
I can't solve it.
Right now,
how would you define yourself?
- How do I define myself?
- Yes.
First of all, I'm a woman.
I think that it's something
I have to reclaim nowadays.
When sometimes, my identity
is still in question.
When people that I meet
question me
or talk to me in masculine form,
or hurt me during my transition.
I feel the need to claim
that I'm a woman,
and also...
because of what happened to me recently,
sometimes I have the feeling
that I'm still very much a child.
I'm a total dreamer.
Maybe a little naïve, ingenuous.
It's something that I'd like to change.
To become someone with a stronger
personality, more empowered...
I don't know if this might be useful,
I haven't known you very long,
but I think you have a lot of character.
A lot of character!
You have plenty of conditions,
and qualities to spare
to do this project.
Okay.
On one hand you said:
"I don't want to be different."
But on the other hand,
I know you have a strong,
artistic personality,
that you've been looking a lot
for your own identity.
This difference, even with your look...
So, I'd like you to talk to me
a little about...
Is this a contradiction for you?
At this point in my life
I see that it's something negative
for me to be different.
I'd like to fit in the world,
with people.
But I see that's not the case.
It's true that there's a part of me
that likes to transgress with fashion...
I like to use this means of expression
but I have to be very feminine too.
Often others remind me of my condition,
and I feel more masculine than ever.
That's the hardest thing to deal with.
Because that's what
everyone else sees in me.
But, after all, I don't see it.
A very easy example,
with boys...
I feel like...
I'll end up alone.
Because no one loves me.
I mean...
It's great to have me as a friend,
as...
But I'll never be someone's woman,
or someone's wife
or just someone's girlfriend.
I don't know.
Boys don't want to be
with me because...
I'm not...
I'm not perfect enough for them.
I don't know how to say this.
Raphi, do you realise that...?
I think you're very capable.
But there will
be a lot of people watching you.
We are working
about the people
that are watching you.
And you let them watch you.
Okay?
Okay.
Come in.
I can't believe it!
Wow!
- Wow!
- Does it look big?
Okay, now we have to make sure
you are in the light.
- Okay.
- Okay?
Whenever you're ready, Raphi.
I feel excluded
from the representation of the sexes.
Why aren't there trans mannequins?
Man, woman. What does it mean?
Who is to say how a man should be?
Or how a woman should be?
To fit in, or not to fit in?
Be who they expect you to be
or be yourself?
For me, that's the question.
Sorry,
just one step back, and stand here.
Do you feel the heat here?
- Okay.
- That's it.
- Much better!
- Thank you, Llorenç.
- Thanks a lot.
- You're welcome.
Okay, so let's do it again.
This is the position, OK?
- Perfect. Great.
- Okay?
Eugenio, can we repeat the scene?
I don't know if it's a typical comment,
but why do you torture yourself so much?
I see you as a very attractive girl.
Well, I don't torture myself,
but I see the truth. I mean...
After all, when...
when I start a relationship
with someone or whatever
the boys always run away.
Perhaps I'm attractive,
but then what?
Sometimes I feel like
I'm a fucking image, and nothing else.
- Many of disappointments?
- Disappointments?
Well, yeah, a lot...
You haven't met your prince charming?
I'm not even looking
for a prince charming.
I don't know
why you say that, but...
I'm just looking for company.
You aren't looking for a prince,
but someone...
to share with...
- Yes, totally.
- Someone to trust in...
Yes exactly.
Someone to merge with,
to be one with, to become...
- Of course.
- So nice.
- You don't?
- That's bullshit.
- What do you mean that's bullshit?
- I don't want it.
I think
that people are born alone,
we die alone, and on that path
which can be short or long,
we will meet different partners
who can even be simultaneous.
For me this Disney fairy tale
about the love of my life,
my other half...
I am already whole.
I don't want to be with a half.
I'm whole on my own.
Do you live it well?
I live however I can.
What you're telling me
is very beautiful, but...
unfortunately, I don't seem to find...
those partners that easy.
The few boys
that are interested in me...
- Hi!
- What?
I'm interested.
You're interested.
And what's gonna happen then?
- What's gonna happen?
- Nothing.
If you're going to be like that,
nothing will happen.
And if it doesn't,
but something just as beautiful happens?
- How...?
- Let's go with the flow.
Yes, sure, we go with the flow,
and tomorrow?
Tomorrow is tomorrow!
We could talk for hours
about what "normal" means, but...
the separation that you see,
and the violence that you feel
sometimes,
we don't have it.
- In the play, right.
- I think we need to take that route.
I want to be strong.
I want to be able to face any look.
And then I think
and feel with my entire being
that I cannot go back
because I can't let
those looks break me.
I can't take a step back.
If I do, nothing would have made sense.
If I do it, I give in to fear,
to their desires.
I give in to them,
to those that look violently,
to those that treat you like an object.
None of us can give a step back.
No trans or cis woman,
or whoever.
How long will we
have to deal with this superiority?
This arrogance that's everywhere.
Sometimes in a very obvious way,
other times very subtle.
How dare you?
Why do you dress so strange?
What are you?
Why are you so different?
I don't want them to devour me.
I want to be who I am.
To the boy that I was.
To the girl I was without knowing it.
To you, who I don't even know.
To you, who I love
without even knowing you.
To you, an image in my mind.
I am Raphaëlle.
Damn, this text is intense.
Yes.
So...
Is it OK?
Can we work with this?
It comes from the things you told me.
They're your words, your experience...
If you identify yourself in the text,
we'll try it in a scene.
Yes, I see myself, but...
I think it will be very hard.
I don't know, I don't think I'm capable.
What are you? How dare you?
You dress so weird.
Who do you think you are?
Why are you so different?
I start counting the stops.
They are like pieces
of Paris history.
The voice that announces
pronounces
with different inflections.
I always liked this detail.
République.
Oberkampf.
Charonne, Rue des Boulets
Nation, Buzenval,
Maraîchers.
Porte de Montreuil.
From this moment on...
I leave behind the sparkling
and elegant Paris, the Paris of dreams.
This is the real world, dark,
dangerous, violent.
This is the real world,
dark, dangerous,
violent.
Two men are looking at me.
At me? Impossible.
Yes,
they look at me, up and down, staring.
It's more than curiosity,
it's perverse, disgusting.
They come near me,
I get up, I go to the door
to be closer to the exit.
They must be coming for me.
I arrive at the third...
- I run up the stairs.
- Okay, let's start again.
- From here!
- From here?
Yes. Calm down! Don't speed up!
Hey! What are you doing?
- I'm putting this on.
- Let me see.
- Are you nervous?
- Yes.
- Me too.
- You too?
A lot. Look.
- Am I nervous or what?
- Yes.
Yes, right?
Fuck!
- No.
- No? Okay,
Stop, stop!
- Why?
- I don't want to come yet.
- Don't you?
- Wait.
- Why?
- You first.
- Why?
- You first.
- She leaves her hideout.
- Okay.
Does the whole monologue...
My cue is
"what does it mean to be a woman."
I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND
I DON'T KNOW
IF YOU'RE FREE, I'D LIKE TO SEE YOU
- How are you?
- Hi.
- How are you?
- Fine, you?
- Fine.
- Yes?
Well, everything ended...
well "ended"... I mean...
Yes, it ended.
Because you disappeared!
I didn't disappear!
I mean...
- You avoided me.
- You're a bit extreme, aren't you?
Maybe,
but, what do you want me to say?
- I don't know.
- You're always over the top.
Yeah.
But I'd like to know why.
It was really intense for me.
I wasn't...
looking for a relationship
or something stable.
- I noticed that you were...
- But we didn't say that.
- We didn't even talk about that.
- I know...
But I noticed you were pulling
harder than I was ready for.
I also noticed things.
I'm in a place where
I'm getting my shit together again...
I don't know, maybe I need more time.
I don't know...
And it also scared you
to be with me.
A little, yeah.
- Out of ignorance...
- Ignorance?
I also have my doubts.
This is completely new to me.
I mean, I understand that for you
it has not been easy to accept
a relationship with a trans girl
for all that it involves...
to your...
friends, the approval...
But I'm not talking
about going that far...
I addressed the topic
as best I could...
But I didn't know
how to touch you,
what you were comfortable with.
It was there, like a taboo.
Maybe you didn't know
how to do it and I...
didn't know how to address it,
in a mature way.
But if you don't guide me a little,
it's difficult for me.
Yeah, I understand perfectly.
It wasn't easy for anyone.
It's a shame that we couldn't
verbalise it at the time.
Now, it's three months later.
- But it's not a lost cause, isn't it?
- No, I know.
I don't even know if you want
us to continue seeing each other...
I don't know
if you are dating someone.
If I'm dating someone? No.
- No? Are you sure?
- Yes, why?
Because you're smiling.
- It's like you're in a divan...
- Divan?
I feel like a psychoanalyst
and you're my patient.
- I love it!
- Yeah? Can I ask you questions?
- Of course.
- I turn away a bit,
like they do
to avoid eye contact...
It's true, they do that!
- Oh, really?
- Of course.
You're French. There's a big
psychoanalysis school there.
So I can ask you...
What do you like the most about sex?
- What do I like the most?
- Yes.
Maybe it sounds stupid,
but the presence of the other person.
It doesn't sound stupid.
I thought that with a vagina,
I would be accepted
and desired by a boy.
Yeah.
- But that doesn't guarantee anything.
- No, I mean...
I can't do anything.
I can't even go to a private clinic,
because I don't have the money, so...
So I have to wait and...
I think that now it's time
for me to accept myself.
And that's it.
I take these three years to...
see where they take me...
And that's it, I come first.
You come first.
This is me at 4 years old.
And this is me
a little younger, at 2 years old.
And this is Raphi,
about 24 years ago.
I'm hiding
like I did for many years.
I'm not an actress.
But I can lie, pretend,
I'm good at that.
I played a role for 20 years,
but the day arrived
when I decided to cross the line,
the border, the limit.
What are you?
How dare you?
You dress so weird!
Who do you think you are?
Why are you so,
so different?
I leave behind the sparkling
and elegant Paris, the Paris of dreams.
This is the real world.
You have gender dysphoria.
No one will love you
in this body.
Don't look for me.
Don't look, don't answer,
don't listen.
I'm sorry, it feels really weird
to refer to you in the feminine form.
Do your parents support you?
You' should speak with a professional.
I love you.
Are you sure?
You won't be able to turn back.
Do you masturbate?
I want you to fuck me from behind.
You can't leave me like this.
Good morning.
How can I help you?
In my dressing room...
Look at you!
Raphi!
Come and toast with me!
Oops, the glass!
Put as much as you want.
- I'm your masterpiece.
- A little more?
IN MEMORY OF PATRICIA PEREZ (1966-2020)
Subtitles: Mecal Subt