Merry Wives of Windsor (1981) - full transcript

[merry folk music]

Sir Hugh, persuade me not

I will make a star-chamber matter of it.

If he were 20 Sir John Falstaffs

he shall not abuse
Robert Shallow, esquire.

In the county of Gloucester,

justice of peace and Coram.

Ay, cousin Slender, and Custalorum.

Ay, and Rato-lorum too

and a gentleman born, Master Parson,

who writes himself Armigero
in any bill, warrant,



quittance or obligation, Armigero.

Ay, that I do and have done

any time these three hundred years.

All his successors gone
before him hath done it

and all his ancestors
that come after him may.

They may give the dozen
white luces in their coat.

It is an old coat.

Py'r lady, if Sir John Falstaff

have committed disparagements unto you,

I am of the church and will
be glad to do my benevolence

to make atonements and
compromises between you.

On my life, if I were young
again the sword would end it.

It's better that friends
is the sword and end it.

And there is also another
device in my brain



which per adventures brings
good discretions with it.

There is Anne Page, which is
daughter to Master George Page,

which is pretty virginities.

Mistress Anne Page?

She has brown hair and
speaks small like a woman.

'Tis the very person for all the world,

as just as you would desires.

And seven hundred pounds of
moneys and gold and silver

is her grandsire upon his deathbed,

God deliver to a joyful
resurrection, give,

when she is able to overtake 17 years old.

It were a good motion to leave
our pribbles and prabbles

and desire a marriage
between Master Abraham

and Mistress Anne Page.

Did her grandsire leave
her seven hundred pounds?

Ay, and her father is
make her a better penny.

I know the young gentlewoman,
she has good gifts.

Seven hundred pounds and
possibilities is good gifts.

Oh, let us see honest Master
Page, is Falstaff there?

Shall I tell you a lie?

Oh.

I do despise a liar as I do
despise one that is false.

Or as I do despise one that is not true.

The knight, Sir John, is there

and I beseech you be ruled
by your well-willers.

I will beat the door for Master Page.

[knocking]

What ho, God bless your house here.

[Page] Who's there?

Here is God's blessing and your friend,

and Justice Shallow and
young Master Slender,

which per adventures will
tell you another tale,

it might just grow to your liking.

I am glad to see your worships well.

[Shallow laughing]

I thank you for my
venison, Master Shallow.

Master Page, I am glad to see you.

Much good do it your good heart.

I wished your venison better.

Pah.

It was ill killed.

How doth good Mistress Page?

[Page and Shallow laughing]

I thank you always with thy
heart, la with my heart.

Sir, I thank you.

Oh sir, I thank you, by yeah and no I do.

I am glad to see you, good Master Slender.

How does your fellow greyhound, sir?

I heard say he was outrun on Cotsall.

It could not be judged, sir.

You'll not confess, you'll not
confess [Slender giggling].

That he will not, 'tis your
fault, 'tis your fault.

He's a good dog.

A cur, sir.

[laughing]

He's a good dog and a fair dog.

Can there be more said,
he's good and fair.

Is Sir John Falstaff here?

Sir, he is within

and I would I could do a
good office between you.

'Tis spoke as a Christian ought to speak.

He hath wronged me, Master Page.

He doth, in some sort, confess it.

If it be confessed it is not redressed.

Is not that so, Master Page?

Master--

He hath wronged me, indeed he hath.

At a word, he hath, believe me.

Robert Shallow, esquire,
saith he is wronged.

Here comes Sir John.

Now, Master Shallow, you'll
complain of me to the king?

Knight, you have beaten my men,

killed my deer and broke open my lodge.

But not kissed the keeper's daughter.

A pin, sir, it shall be answered.

I will answer it straight,
I have done all this.

That is now answered.

The council shall know this.

For better for you if it
were known in counsel,

you'll be laughed at.

Pauca verba, Sir John, good words.

Good words, good cabbage.

Slender, I broke your head,
what matter have you against me?

Marry sir, I have matter
in my head against you

and against your cony-catching rascals,

Bardolph, Nym and Pistol.

They carried me to the tavern,

made me drunk and
afterward picked my pocket.

You Banbury cheese.

Ay, it is no matter.

How now, Mephostophilus.

[Slender] Ay, it is no matter.

Slice, I say, pauca, pauca,
slice, that is my humor.

Where's Simple, my man,
can you tell, cousin?

I pray you, peace, let us understand.

There is three umpires in
this matter, as I understand.

That is, Master Page,
fidelicet Master Page,

and there is myself, fidelicet myself,

and the three party
is, lastly and finally,

mine host of the Garter.

We three, to hear it
and end it between you.

Very good, I will make a
brief of it in my notebook.

And afterwards we will work upon the cause

with as great discreetly as we can.

Pistol.

He hears with ears.

The devil, it is done,
what phrase is this,

he hears with ear?

Why, it is affectations.

Pistol, did you pick
Master Slender's purse?

Ay, by these gloves, did he,

or I would I might never come

in mine own great chamber again else,

of seven groats in mill-sixpences

and two Edward shovel-boards
of Yead Miller,

that cost me two shillings
and two pence a-piece

of Yead Miller, by these gloves.

Is this true, Pistol?

No, it is false, if it is a pick-purse

Ha, thou mountain-foreigner.

Sir John and master mine,

I combat challenge of this latten bilbo.

Word of denial in thy labras here.

Word of denial, froth
and scum, thou liest.

By these gloves then, 'twas he.

Be advised, sir, of past good humors.

I will say, merry trap with you.

Merry trap with you--

Ha, and if you run the
notebook humors on me

that is the very note of it.

By this hat, then, he
is a red face had it.

For though I cannot remember

what I did when you made me drunk,

yet I am not altogether an ass.

What say you, Scarlet and John?

Why sir, for my part, I say the gentleman

had drunk himself out
of his five sentences.

It is five sense, fie,
what the ignorance is.

And being fap, sir, was,
as they say, cashiered

and so conclusions passed the carriers.

Ay, you spoke in Latin then
too, but 'tis no matter.

I'll never be drunk whilst I live again

but in honest, civil, godly
company for this trick.

If I be drunk, I'll be drunk with those

that have the fear of God
and not with drunken knaves.

So God judge me, that is a virtuous mind.

You hear all these matters
denied, gentlemen, you hear it.

Oh nay, daughter, carry the
wine in, we'll drink within.

Oh heaven, this is Mistress Anne Page.

How now, Mistress Ford.

Mistress Ford, by my
troth, you're very well met

by your leave, good mistress.

My husband's name is Ford, sir.

Well I shall desire more
acquaintance of you.

The like of you, good Mistress Page.

With all my heart, Sir John.

Come, husband, will you go?

Dinner stays for us.

Wife, bid these gentleman welcome.

Come, we have a hot
venison pasty to dinner.

Come, gentlemen I hope we shall
drink down all unkindness.

[merry folk music]

I had rather than 40 shillings

I had my Book of Songs and Sonnets here.

How now, Simple, where have you been?

I must wait on myself now, must I?

You have not the Book of
Riddles about you, have you?

Book of Riddles?

Why, did you not lend
it to Alice Shortcake

upon All-hallowmas last, a
fortnight afore Michaelmas?

Come coz, come coz, we stay for you.

A word with you, coz, marry this coz.

There is, as 'twere, a
tender, a kind of tender,

made afar off by Sir Hugh
here, do you understand me?

Ay sir, you shall find me reasonable.

If it be so, I shall
do that that is reason.

Nay, but understand me.

So I do, sir.

Give ear to his motions, Master Slender,

I will description the matter to you,

if you be capacity of it.

Nay, I will do as my
cousin, Shallow, says.

I pray you, pardon me, sir.

He's a justice of peace in his country,

simple though I stand here.

But that is not the question.

The question is concerning your marriage.

Ay, there's the point, sir.

Ay, marry is it, the very point of it,

to Mistress Anne Page.

Cousin Abraham Slender, can you love her?

Can you carry her your
desires towards her?

I hope, sir, I will do

as it shall become one
that would do reason.

Nay, conceive me, conceive me, sweet coz.

What I do is to pleasure you,
coz, can you love the maid?

I will marry her, sir, at your request.

But if there be no great
love in the beginning,

yet heaven may decrease it
upon better acquaintance

when we are married

and have more occasion
to know one another.

I hope that upon familiarity
will grow more content,

but if you say marry
her, I will marry her,

that I am freely
dissolved and dissolutely.

It is a very discretion answer.

Save the fall is in the word, dissolutely.

The word is, according to
our meaning, resolutely.

His meaning is good.

Ay, I think my cousin meant well.

Ay, or I would I might be hanged, else la.

Here comes fair Mistress Anne.

Mistress Anne, would I
were young for your sake.

The dinner's on the table,

my father desires your worship's company.

I will wait upon him, fair Mistress Anne.

Blessed will I will not
be absence at the grace.

Will it please your
worship to come in, sir?

No, I thank you, forsooth,
heartily, I am very well.

But the dinner attends you, sir.

I am not a-hungry, I thank you, forsooth.

Go, sirrah, for all you are my man,

go wait upon my cousin Shallow.

A justice of peace sometime

may be beholding to his friend for a man.

I keep three men and a boy yet,

till my mother be dead.

But what though?

Yet I live like a poor gentleman born.

I may not go in without your worship,

they will not sit till you come.

I'll eat nothing, I thank
you as much as though I did.

I pray you, sir, walk in.

I had rather walk here, I thank you.

I bruised my shin the other day

with playing at sword and dagger
with a master of the fence.

Three veneys for a dish of stewed prunes.

And, by my troth, I cannot abide

the smell of hot meat since.

[dogs barking]

Why do your dogs bark so?

Be there bears in the town?

I think there are, sir,
I heard them talked of.

Oh, I love the sport well

but I shall as soon quarrel at it

as any man in England.

You are afraid if you see
the bear loose, are you not?

Ay, indeed, sir.

Well that's meat and drink to me now.

I have seen Sackerson loose twenty times

and have taken him by the chain

but, I warrant you, the women so cried

and shrieked at it that it passed.

Women, indeed, cannot abide them.

They are very ill-favored rough things.

Come gentle Master Slender,
come, we stay for you.

I'll eat nothing, I thank you, sir.

By cock and pie, you shall
not choose, sir, come, come.

Nay, pray you lead the way.

Come on, sir.

Mistress Anne, yourself shall go first.

Not I, sir, pray you keep on.

No I will not, I will
not go first, truly la.

Indeed, I will not do you that wrong.

I pray you, sir.

I rather be unmannerly than troublesome.

You do yourself wrong, indeed you do.

[merry folk music]

[crowd murmuring]

Go your ways

and ask of Doctor Caius'
house which is the way

and there lives one Mistress Quickly,

which is in the manner of his nurse,

or his dry nurse, or his
cook, or his laundry,

or his washer and his wringer.

Well, sir.

Nay, nay, nay, 'tis better yet.

Give her this letter, for it is a woman

that altogether's acquaintance
with Mistress Anne Page.

And the letter is to desire and require,

to solicit your master's
desires to Mistress Anne.

Pray you be gone, I'll
make an end of my dinner,

there's pippins and cheese to come.

Mine host of the Garter.

What says my bully-rook?

Speak scholarly and wisely.

Truly, good mine host,

I must turn away some of my followers.

Discard, bully Hercules, cashier.

Let 'em wag, trot, trot.

I sit at 10 pounds a week.

Thou art an emperor,
Caesar, Keisar, and Pheezar.

I will entertain Bardolph,
he shall draw, he shall tap,

said I well, bully Hector?

Do so, good mine host.

I have spoke, let him follow.

Let me see thee froth and
lime, I am at a word, follow.

Bardolph,

follow him.

A tapster's a good trade.

An old cloak makes a new jerkin,

a withered serving-man a
fresh tapster, go adieu.

It is a life I have
desired, I will thrive.

Oh, base Hungarian wight,

wilt thou the spigot wield?

He was gotten in drink,
is not humor conceited?

I'm glad I'm so acquit of this tinder-box.

His thefts were too open,

his filching was like
an unskillful singer,

he kept not time.

The good humor is to
steal at a minute's rest.

Convey the wise it call.

Steal foh, a fico for the phrase.

[Falstaff] Well, sirs, I
am almost out at heels.

Why, let kibes ensue.

There's no remedy, I must
cony-catch, I must shift.

Young ravens must have food.

Which of you knows Ford of this town?

I ken the wight, he is of substance good.

My honest lads, I will
tell you what I am about.

Two yards, and more.

No quips now, Pistol, I am, indeed,

in the waist two yards about

but I am now about no
waste, I am about thrift.

Briefly, I mean to make
love to Ford's wife.

I spy entertainments in her,
she discourses, she carves,

she gives the leer of invitation.

I can construe the action
of her familiar style

and the hardest voice of her behavior,

to be Englished rightly, is,
I am Sir John Falstaff's.

He hath studied her well
and translated her will

out of honesty into English.

The anchor is deep, will that humor pass?

Now, the report goes she has all the rule

of her husband's purse, he
hath a legion of angels.

As many devils entertain
and to her boy, say I.

The humor rises, humor me the angels.

I have writ me here a letter to her

and here another to Page's wife,

who even now gave me good eyes too,

examine my parts with
most judicious oeillades.

Sometimes the beam of
her view gilded my foot,

sometimes my portly belly.

Then did the sun on dunghill shine.

I thank thee for that humor.

Oh, she did so course o'er my exteriors

with such a greedy intension,

that the appetite of her eye did seem to

scorch me up like a burning-glass.

She bears the purse too,
she is a region in Guiana,

all gold and bounty.

I will be cheaters to them both

and they will be exchequers to me.

They shall be my East and West Indies

and I will trade to them both.

Go, bear thou this letter to Mistress Page

and thou this to Mistress Ford.

We will thrive, lads, we will thrive.

Shall I, Sir Pandarus of Troy become

and by my side wear steel?

Then Lucifer take all.

I will run no base humor,
take thou the humored letter,

I will keep the behavior of reputation.

Hold, sirrah, bear thou
these letters tightly.

Sail like my pinnace
to these golden shores.

Rogues, hence, avaunt,
vanish like hailstones, go.

Trudge, plod away oh the
hoof, seek shelter, pack.

Falstaff shall learn the honor of the age,

French thrift, you rogues,
myself and skirted page.

Let vultures gripe thy guts.

A gourd and fullam holds,

and high and low beguiles
the rich and poor.

Tester I'll have in pouch
when thou shalt lack,

Base Phrygian Turk.

I have operations which
be humors of revenge.

Wilt thou revenge?

By welkin and her star.

With wit or steel?

With both the humors, ay.

I will disclose the humor
of this love to Page.

And I to Ford shall eke unfold

how Falstaff, varlet
vile, his dove will prove,

his gold will hold, and
his soft couch defile.

My humor will not cool,

I will incense Page to deal with poison.

I will possess him with yellowness,

this revolt of mine is
dangerous, that is my true humor.

Thou art the Mars of malecontents.

I second thee, troop on.

[merry folk music]

What, John Rugby, John?

What, John I say?

I pray thee, go to the casement

and see if you can see my master,

Master Doctor Caius, coming.

If he do, in faith, and
find any body in the house

here will be an old
abusing of God's patience

and the king's English.

I'll go watch.

Go, and we'll have a posset for it

soon at night, in faith,

at the latter end of a sea-coal fire.

An honest, willing, kind fellow,

as ever servant shall
come in house withal.

And, I warrant you, no
tell-tale, no breed-bate.

His worst fault is he's given to prayer.

He's something peevish that way,

but nobody but has his
faults, but let that pass.

Now, Peter Simple, you say your name is?

Ay, for fault of a better.

And Master Slender's your master?

Ay, forsooth.

Doth he not wear a great round beard,

like a glover's pairing-knife?

No, forsooth, he hath
but a little wee face,

with a little yellow beard,
a Cain-colored beard.

A softly-sprighted man, is he not?

Ay, forsooth, but he's as
tall a man of his hands

as any is between this and his head.

He hath fought with a warrener.

How say you?

Oh, I should remember him,

doth he not hold up his head,

as it were, and strut in his gait?

Yes indeed, does he.

Well, heaven send Anne
Page no worse fortune.

Tell Master Parson Evans I will do

what I can for your master,

for Anne is a good girl, and I wish--

Out, alas, here comes my master.

We shall all be shent.

Run in here, good young
man, get into this closet.

He'll not stay long.

What, John Rugby, John?

What, John I say, go, John, go

inquire for my master,
I doubt he be not well

that he comes not home.

♪ And down, down, down, adown. ♪

What is you sing?

I do not like these toys.

Pray you, fetch me in my closet

[speaks in foreign language].

A box, a green box, do
intend what I speak?

A green box.

Ay, forsooth, I'll fetch it you.

I'm glad he went not in himself,

if he'd found the young man
he'd have been horn-mad.

[speaks in foreign language]

Is it this, sir?

[speaks in foreign language] quickly.

Where's that knave, Rugby?

What, John Rugby, John?

Here, sir.

You are John Rugby and
you are are Jack Rugby.

Come, fetch your rapier

and come after my heels to the court.

'Tis ready, sir, here in the porch.

By my trot, I tarry too long
[speaks foreign language].

There is some simples in my closet

that I will not for the
world I shall leave behind.

Ay me, he'll find the
young man there and be mad.

[speaks in foreign language]
what is in my closet?

Villainy [speaks in foreign
language], Rugby, my rapier.

Good master, be content.

Wherefore shall I be content?

The young man is an honest man.

What shall your honest
man do in my closet?

There is no honest man
shall come in my closet.

I beseech you, be not so phlegmatic.

Hear the truth of it, he came

of an errand to me from Parson Hugh.

Well.

[Simple] To desire her--

Peace.

Peace your tongue, speak your tale.

To desire this honest
gentlewoman, your maid,

to speak a good word to Mistress Anne Page

for my master in the way of marriage.

This is all, indeed, la.

[Caius grunts]

But I never put my finger
in the fire, I need not.

Sir Huge sent you?

Rugby, [speaks in foreign
language] some paper.

Tarry you a little while.

I am glad he's so quiet, if
he'd been thoroughly moved

you should have heard him
so loud and so melancholy.

But notwithstanding, man,

I will do you your master what good I can.

And the very yea and the no is,

the French doctor, my master,

I may call him my master, look
you, for I keep his house,

and I wash, wring, brew, bake, scour,

dress meat and drink, make
all the beds, do all myself.

'Tis a great charge to
come under one body's hand.

Are you advised of that?

Oh, you shall find it a great charge,

and to be up early and down late,

but notwithstanding, to
tell you in your ear,

that I would have no word of it.

My master himself is in love
with Mistress Anne Page.

But notwithstanding
that, I know Anne's mind,

but that's neither here nor there.

You, jack'nape, give
this letter to Sir Huge.

By gar, it is a challenge, I
will cut his throat in the park

and I will teach a scurvy

jack'nape priest to meddle or make.

You may be gone, it is
not good you tarry here.

By gar, I will cut all his two stones,

he shall not have a stone
to throw at his dog.

[Simple whimpers]

Alas, sir, he speaks but for his friend.

It is no matter of that,

do you not tell me I shall
have Anne Page for myself?

By gar, I will kill the Jack priest

and I have appointed
mine host of the Garter

to measure our weapons.

By gar, I will myself have Anne Page.

Sir, the maid loves you,
and all shall be well.

We must give folk leave to
prate, what the good jeer.

Rugby, come to the court with me.

By gar, if I have not Anne Page,

I will turn your head out of my door,

follow my heals, Rugby.

You shall have Anne.

Fool's head of your own.

No, I know Anne's mind for that.

Never a woman in Windsor

knows more of Anne's mind than I do,

nor can do more than I do
with her, I thank heaven.

[Fenton] Who's within there, ho?

Oh, who's there, I trow?

Come near the house, I pray you.

How now, good woman, how dost thou?

The better that it pleases
your good worship to ask.

What news, how does pretty Mistress Anne?

In truth, sir, and she is
pretty and honest and gentle,

and one that is your
friend, I can tell you that

by the way I praise him for it.

Shall I do any good thinkest thou?

Shall I not lose my suit?

In truth sir, all is in his hands above.

But notwithstanding, Master Fenton,

I'll be sworn on a book, she loves you.

Hath not your worship
a wart above your eye?

Yes, marry have I, what of that?

Well, thereby hangs a
tale [laughs] good faith,

it is such another Nan

but, I detest, an honest
maid as ever broke bread.

We had an hour's talk
of that wart [laughs].

I shall never laugh but
in that maid's company.

But indeed, she's given too
much to melancholy and musing.

But for you, well, go to.

Well, I shall see her today.

Hold, there's money for thee,

let me have thy voice in my behalf.

If thou seest her before me, commend me.

Will I, in faith, that we will.

And I'll tell your
worship more of the wart

the next time we have
confidence, and of other wooers.

Well, farewell, I'm in great haste now.

Farewell to your worship.

Truly, an honest gentleman
but Anne loves him not,

I know Anne's mind as
well as another does.

Out upon't, what have I forgot?

[merry folk music]

What, have I escaped love letters

in the holiday time of my beauty,

and am I now a subject for them?

Let me see.

Ask me no reason why I love you,

for though love use
reason for his physician

he admits him not for his counselor.

You are not young, no more am I.

Go to, then, there's sympathy.

You are merry, so am I, ha,
ha, then there's more sympathy.

You love sack, and so do I,

would you desire better sympathy?

Let it suffice thee,
Mistress Page, at the least,

if the love of soldier can
suffice, that I love thee.

I will not say pity me, 'tis
not a soldier-like phrase,

but I say, love me, by me.

Thine own true knight, by day or night,

or any kind of light, with all his might

for thee to fight, John Falstaff.

What a Herod of Jewry is here.

Oh, wicked, wicked world.

One that is well-nigh
worn to pieces with age

to show himself a young gallant.

What an unweighed behavior had
this Flemish drunkard picked,

with the devil's name,
I doubt my conversation,

that he dares in this manner assay me?

We have not been thrice in my company.

What should I say to him?

I was then frugal of my
mirth, Heaven forgive me.

Why, I'll exhibit a bill in the parliament

for the putting down of men.

How shall I be revenged on him?

For revenged I will be,

as sure as his guts are made of puddings.

Oh, Mistress Page, trust me,
I was going to your house.

And trust me, I was coming
to you, you look very ill.

Nay, I'll never believe that,

I'll have to show to the contrary.

Oh, but you do in my mind.

Oh well I do then, yet I say,

I could show you to the contrary.

Oh, Mistress Page, give me some counsel.

What's the matter, woman?

Oh woman, if it were not
for one trifling respect,

I could come to such honor.

Hang the trifle, woman,
take the honor, what is it?

Now dispense with trifles, what is it?

If I would but go to hell
for an eternal moment or so,

I could be knighted.

What?

Thou liest, Sir Alice Ford,
these knights will hack

and so they should not alter
the article of thy gentry.

We burn daylight, here read, read.

Perceive how I might be knighted.

I shall think the worse of fat men,

as long as I have an eye to
make difference of men's liking.

And yet he would not swear,
praise women's modesty

and gave such orderly

and well-behaved reproof
to all uncomeliness

that I would have sworn his disposition

would have gone to the truth of his words.

But they do no more adhere
and keep place together

than the Hundredth Psalm to
the tune of Green Sleeves.

What tempest, I trow, threw this whale,

with so many tons of oil in
his belly, ashore at Windsor?

How shall I be revenged on him?

I think the best way were
to entertain him with hope,

till the wicked fire of lust

have melted him in his own grease.

Did you ever hear the like?

Letter for letter, but that the name

of Page and Ford differs.

To thy great comfort in this
mystery of ill opinions,

here's the twin brother to thy letter.

But let thine inherit first,

for I protest, mine never shall.

I warrant he hath a
thousand of these letters,

writ with blank space for
different names, sure more,

and these are of the second edition.

He will print them, out of doubt,

for he cares not what
he puts into the press,

when he would put us two, ha.

I'd rather be a giantess
and lie under Mount Pelion.

Well, I will find you
20 lascivious turtles

ere one chaste man.

Why, this is the very same,
the very hand, the very words.

What does he think of this?

Nay, I know not, makes me

almost ready to wrangle
with mine own honesty.

I'll entertain myself like one
I am not acquainted withal,

for sure, unless he
knows some strain in me

that I know not myself,

he would never have
boarded me in this fury.

Boarding, call you it?

I'll be sure to keep him above deck.

So will I, if he come under my hatches

I'll never to sea again [laughing].

Oh, let's be revenged on him.

Let's appoint him a meeting,

give him a show of comfort in his suit,

and lead him on with a fine baited delay

till he hath pawned his horses
to mine host of the Garter.

[laughing] Nay, I will consent to act

any villainy against him

that may not sully the
chariness of our honesty.

Oh, that my husband saw this letter.

It would give eternal
food to his jealousy.

Why look, where he comes
and my good man with him.

[paper rustling]

He's as far from jealousy as
I am from giving him cause,

and that, I hope, is an
unmeasurable distance.

You are the happier woman.

Let's consult together

against this greasy knight, come hither.

Well, I hope it be not so.

Hope is a curtal dog in some affairs,

Sir John affects thy wife.

Why, sir, my wife is not young.

He woos both high and
low, both rich and poor,

both young and old,
one with another, Ford.

He loves the gallimaufry, Ford perpend.

Love my wife?

With liver burning hot.

Prevent, or go thou, like Sir Actaeon he,

with Ringwood at thy heels,
oh, odious is the name.

What name, sir?

The horn, I say, farewell.

Take heed, have open eye,
for thieves do foot by night.

Take heed, ere summer comes,
or cuckoo birds do sing.

Away, Sir Corporal Nym, believe
it Page, he speaks sense.

I will be patient, I will find out this.

And it is true, I like
not the humor of lying.

He hath wronged me in many humors,

I should have borne a
humored letter to her

but I have a sword which
can bite upon my necessity.

He loves your wife, that
is the short and the long.

My name is Corporal Nym, I
speak and I avouch, 'tis true,

my name is Nym and
Falstaff loves your wife.

Adieu, I love not the
humor of bread and cheese,

and that is the humor of it, adieu.

The humor of it, quoth 'a.

And here's a fellow frights
English out of his wits.

I will seek out Falstaff.

I never heard such a
drawling, affecting rogue.

If I do find it, well.

I will not believe such a Cataian,

though the priest of the town
commended him for a true man.

'Twas a good sensible fellow, well.

How now, Meg?

Wither go you, George, Hark you.

How now, sweet Frank,
why art thou melancholy?

I melancholy, I am not
melancholy, get you home, go.

Faith, thou hast some
crotchets in thy head, now.

Will you come, Mistress Page?

Have with you, you'll
come to dinner, George?

Who comes yonder?

She shall be our messenger
to this paltry knight.

Trust me, I thought on her, she'll fit it.

You are come to see my daughter, Anne?

Ay, forsooth, and I pray,
how does good Mistress Anne?

Go in with us and see, we'll
have an hour's talk with you.

How now, Master Ford.

You heard what this knave
told me, did you not?

Yes, and you heard what the other told me?

Do you think there's truth in them?

Hang 'em slaves, I do not think
the knight would offer it.

But these that accuse him in
his intent towards our wives

are a yoke of his discarded men,

very rogues, now they're out of service.

Were they his men?

Marry, were they.

I like it never the better for that.

Does he lie at the Garter?

Ay, marry, does he.

If he should intend his
voyage toward my wife

I would turn her loose to him.

And what he gets more
of her than sharp words,

let it lie on my head.

[both laughing]

I do not misdoubt my wife,

but I would be loathed
to turn them together.

A man may be too confident,

I would have nothing lie on my head,

I cannot be thus satisfied.

Look where my ranting
host of Garter comes,

there is either liquor in his pate

or money in his purse
when he looks so merrily.

How now, mine host.

How now, bully-rook, thou art a gentleman.

Cavaleiro-justice, I say.

I follow, mine host, I follow.

Oh morrow and 20, good Master Page.

Will you go with us,
we have sport in hand.

Tell him, cavaleiro-justice,
tell him, bully-rook.

Sir, there's a fray to be fought between

Sir Hugh, the Welsh priest,
and Caius, the French doctor.

Good mine host of the
Garter, a word with you.

What sayest thou, bully-rook?

Will you go with us to behold it?

My merry host hath had the
measuring of their weapons,

I think hath appointed
them contrary places.

For, believe me, I hear
the parson is no jester.

Hark, I'll tell you
what our sport shall be.

Hast thou no suit against my
knight, my guest-cavaleire?

None, I protest,

but I'll give thee a bottle of burnt sack

to give me recourse to him,

and tell him my name is
Brook, only for a jest.

My hand, bully, thou shalt have

egress and regress, said I well?

And thy name shall be Brook.

'Tis a merry knight, will you go Mynheers?

Have with you, mine host.

I have heard the Frenchman
hath good skill in his rapier.

Oh, tut sir, I could have told you more.

These days you stand upon distance,

your passes and stoccadoes,
and I know not what,

'tis the heart, Master
Page, 'tis here, 'tis here.

I have seen the time, my long sword,

would have made you four
tall fellows skip like rats.

[men laughing]

Shall we wag?

Out with you.

I had rather hear them scold them fight.

Though Page be a secure fool,

and stand so firmly on his wife's frailty,

yet I cannot put off my opinion so easily.

She was in his company at Page's house

and what they made there, I know not.

Well, I will look further into it

and I have a disguise to sound Falstaff.

If I find her honest, I lose not my labor,

if she be otherwise,
'tis labor well bestowed.

I will not lend thee a penny.

Why, then the world's mine oyster,

which I with sword will open.

I will retort the sun with a quippage.

Not a penny.

I have been content, sir,

you should lay my countenance to pawn.

I have grated upon my good friends

for three reprieves for you
and your coach-fellow, Nym,

or else you'd looked through the grate,

like a geminy of baboons.

I'll be damned in hell
for swearing to gentlemen

my friends, that you are good
soldiers and tall fellows.

And when Mistress Bridget
lost the handle of her fan

I took't upon mine
honor thou hadst it not.

Did thou not share, had thou not 15 pence?

Reason, you rogue, reason.

Thinkest thou I'll
endanger my soul in gratis?

At a word, hang no more about
me, I'll be no gibbet for you.

Go, a short knife and a throng
to your manor of Pickt-hatch.

Go, you'll not bear a letter for me,

you stand upon your honor,

why, thou unconfinable baseness,
it's as much as I can do

to keep the terms of my honor precise.

I, I,

I myself sometimes,

leaving my fear of God in my left hand

and hiding mine honor in my necessity,

am fain to shuffle, to hedge and to lurch

and yet you, rogue,
will ensconce your rags,

your cat-a-mountain looks,
your red-lattice phrases

and your bold-beating oaths,

under the shelter of your honor.

You will not do it, you.

I do relent, what would thou more of man?

[Falstaff yells in anger]

Sir, there's a woman would speak with you.

Let her approach.

Give your worship good morrow.

Good morrow, good wife.

Oh, not so, it please your worship.

Good maid, then.

I'll be sworn, as my mother was,

the first hour I was born.

[Falstaff] I do believe
the swearer, what with me?

Shall I vouchsafe your
worship a word or two?

Two thousand, fair woman,

and I'll vouchsafe thee the hearing.

There is one, Mistress Ford.

Sir, I pray you, come a
little nearer this ways.

I myself dwell with Master Doctor Caius.

Come, Mistress Ford, you say?

Your worship says very true,

pray your worship, come a
little nearer this ways.

I warrant thee, nobody hears,

mine own people, mine own people.

Are they so?

Now, God bless them and
make them his servants.

Well, Mistress Ford, what of her?

Why, sir, she's a good creature.

Lord, Lord, your worship's a wanton.

Well, heaven forgive you
and all of us, I pray.

Mistress Ford, come, Mistress Ford.

Marry, this is the short and long of it.

You have brought her into such
a canaries as 'tis wonderful.

The best courtier of them all,

when the court lay at Windsor,

could never have brought
her into such a canary.

Yet, there has been knights, and lords

and gentlemen, with their
coaches, I warrant you.

Coach after coach, letter
after letter, gift after gift,

smelling so sweetly, all
musk and so rushling,

I warrant you, in silk and
gold and in such elegant terms

that would have won any woman's heart.

And, I warrant you, they could
never get an eye-wink of her.

I had myself 20 angels
given me this morning,

but I defy all angels in any such sort,

as they say, but in the way of honesty.

And, I warrant you,
they could never get her

so much as sip on a cup with
the proudest of them all.

Yet there has been earls, nay,
which is more, pensioners.

And, I warrant you, all is one with her.

But what says she to me?

Be brief, my good she-mercury.

Marry, she hath received your letter,

for the which she thanks
you a thousand times,

and she gives you to
notify that her husband

will be absence from his
house between 10 and 11.

10 and 11.

Ay, forsooth, then you may come

and see the picture, she
says, that you what of.

Master Ford, her husband,
will be from home.

Alas, the sweet woman
leads an ill life with him.

He's a very jealousy man.

She leads a very frampold
life with him, good heart.

10 and 11, woman, commend me
to her, I will not fail her.

Why, you say well,

but I have another
messenger to your worship.

Mistress Page hath her hearty
commendations to you, too.

And,

to tell you in your ear,

she is a virtuous, civil modest wife.

And one that will not miss you
morning nor evening prayer,

as any is in Windsor,
whoe'er be the other.

And she bade me tell your worship

that her husband's seldom from home

but that she hopes there will come a time.

I never knew a woman so dote on a man.

Surely, I think you have
charms, la, yeah in truth.

No, no, I assure you,
setting the attraction

of my good parts aside,
I have no other charms.

Blessings on your heart for it.

Yeah but, I pray thee, tell me this,

hath Mistress Page and Mistress Ford

acquainted each other how they love me?

That were a jest indeed.

They have not so little grace, I hope,

that were a trick indeed.

But Mistress Page would desire you

to send her your little page of all loves.

Her husband has a marvelous
infection for the little Page

and, truly, Master Page is an honest man.

Never a wife in Windsor leads
a better life than she does.

Do what she will, say what she will,

take all, pay all, go
to bed when she list,

rise when she list, all is as she will.

And truly, she deserves it.

For, if there be a kind
woman in Windsor, she is one.

You must send your page, no remedy.

Why, I will.

Nay, but do so, and look you,

he may come and go between you both

and, in any case, have a nay-word,

that you may know one another's minds,

and the boy need never
to understand anything,

for it's not good that children
should know any wickedness.

Old folk, you know, have discretion,

as they say, and know the world.

Fare thee well, woman
commend me for them both.

Here's my purse, I am yet thy debtor.

Boy, go along with this woman.

This news distracts me.

This punk is one of Cupid's carriers.

Clap on more sails, pursue
up with your fights,

give fire, she is my prize,
or ocean whelm them all.

Says thou so, old Jack?

Well go thy ways, I'll make more use

of thy body than I have done.

Will they yet look after thee?

Wilt thou, after the expense

of so much money, be now a gainer?

Good body, I thank thee, let
them say 'tis grossly done

so it be fairly done, no matter.

Sir John, here's one Master Brook

below would try to speak with you

and be acquainted with you,

and has sent your worship a
morning's draught of sack.

Brook is his name?

Ay, sir.

Oh, call him in, such Brooks are welcome

that overflow such liquor.

[Bardolph laughs]

Mistress Page and Mistress
Ford have I encompassed you?

Go to, via.

[Bardolph coughs]

Bless you, sir.

And you, sir, would you speak with me?

I make bold to press with so
little preparation upon you.

You're welcome, what's your will?

Give us leave, drawer.

Sir, I am a gentleman
that hath spent much,

my name is Brook.

Good Master Brook, I desire
more acquaintance of you.

Good Sir John, I sue for yours.

Not to charge you, for I
must let you understand

I think myself in a better
plight for a lender than you are.

The which hath something embolden me

to this unseasoned intrusion.

For they do say, if money go
before all ways do lie open.

Money is a good soldier sir, and will on.

Truth, and I have a bag
of money here troubles me.

If you will help me to bear it, Sir John,

take all or half, for
easing me of the carriage.

Master Brook, I do not know

how I deserve to be your porter.

I will tell you, sir, if you
will give me the hearing.

Speak, good Master Brook,

I shall be glad to be your servant.

Sir, I hear you are a scholar,
I will be brief with you

and you have been a man long known to me,

though I never had so good means as desire

to make myself acquainted with you.

I shall discover a thing to you wherein

I must very much lay open
mine own imperfections.

But, good Sir John, as you
have one eye upon my follies

as you hear them unfolded,

turn another into the
register of your own,

that I may pass with a reproof the easier,

since you yourself know

how easy it is to be such an offender.

Very well, sir, proceed.

There is a gentlewoman in this town,

her husband's name is Ford.

Well, sir?

I have long loved her,

and I protest to you,
bestowed much on her.

Followed her with a doting observance,

engrossed opportunities to meet her,

feed every slight occasion

that could but niggardly
give me sight of her.

Not only bought many presents to give her

but have given largely to many

to know what she would have given.

Briefly, I have pursued her
as love hath pursued me,

which have been on the
wing of all occasion.

But whatsoever I have merited,
in my mind or in my means,

me, I am sure, I have received none.

Unless experience be a jewel

that I have purchased at an infinite rate.

And that have taught me to say this,

love like a shadow flies

when substance love pursues,

pursing that that flies,
and flying what pursues.

Have you received no promise
of satisfaction at her hands?

Never.

Well, have you importuned
her to such a purpose?

Never.

Of what quality was your love then?

Like a fair house built
upon another man's grounds,

so that I have lost my edifice

by mistaking the place where I erected it.

To what purpose have
you unfolded this to me?

When I have told you
that I have told you all.

Some say that though
she appear honest to me

yet in other places she enlarges her mirth

so far that there is shrewd
construction made of her.

Now, Sir John, here is
the heart of my purpose.

You are a gentleman of excellent breeding,

admirable discourse, of great admittance,

authentic in your place and person,

generally allowed for your many war-like

and court-like and learned preparations.

Oh, sir.

Believe it, for you know it.

There is money, spend it, spend it,

spend more,

spend all I have,

only give me so much of
your time in exchange of it

as to lay an amiable siege

to the honesty of this Ford's wife.

Use your art of wooing,
win her to consent to you.

If any man may, you may as soon as any.

Would it apply well to the
vehemency of your affection

that I should win what you would enjoy?

Methinks you prescribe to
yourself very preposterously.

Oh, understand my drift.

She dwells so securely on
the excellency of her honor

that the folly of my soul
dares not present itself,

she is too bright to be looked against.

Now, could I come to her with
any detection in my hand,

my desires had instance and
argument to commend themselves.

I could drive her then from
the ward of her purity,

her reputation, her marriage-vow,

and a thousand other her defenses,

which are now too, to
strongly embattled against me.

What say you to it, Sir John?

Master Brook, first I will
make bold with your money,

next, give me your hand, and
last, as I am a gentleman,

you shall, if you will, enjoy Ford's wife.

Oh, good sir.

I say, you shall.

Want no money, Sir John,
you shall want none.

Want no Mistress Ford, Master
Brook, you shall want none.

I shall be with her, I may tell
you, by her own appointment.

Even as you came into me, her assistant,

or go-between, parted from me.

I say, I shall be with
her but between 10 and 11,

for at that time the
jealous, rascally knave,

her husband, will be forth.

Come to me at night, you
shall know how I speed.

I am blessed in your acquaintance, sir.

Do you know Ford, sir?

Oh, hang him, poor cuckoldly knave.

I know him not yet I wrong
him to call him poor,

they say the jealous wittolly
knave had masses of money,

for the which his wife
seems to me well-favored.

I will use her as the key to
the cuckoldly rogue's coffer,

and there's my harvest-home.

I would you knew Ford, sir,

that you might avoid him if you saw him.

Oh, hang him, mechanical
salt-butter rogue.

I'll stare him out of his wits.

I will awe him with my
cudgel, it shall hang

like a meteor over the cuckold's horns.

Now, thou shalt know, Master Brook,

I will predominate over the peasant

and thou shalt lie with his wife.

Come you to me at night,

Ford's a knave and I
will aggravate his style

and thou shalt know him
for knave and cuckold.

Come to me soon at night.

What a damned Epicurean rascal is this?

My heart is ready to
crack with impatience.

Who said this is improvident jealousy?

My wife has sent to him,

the hour is fixed, the match is made.

Would any man have thought this?

See the hell of having a false woman.

My bed shall be abused,
my coffers ransacked,

my reputation gnawed at.

And I shall not only receive
this villainous wrong

but stand under the
adoption of abominable terms

and by him that does me this wrong.

Terms, names, Amaimon sounds well.

Lucifer, well, Barbason, well.

Yet they are devils'
additions, the names of fiends.

But Cuckold, Wittol, Cuckold.

The devil himself hath not such a name.

Page is an ass, a secure ass.

He will trust his wife,
he will not be jealous.

I'd rather trust a Fleming with my butter,

Parson Hugh, the Welshman, with my cheese,

an Irishman with my aqua-vitae bottle,

or a thief to walk my ambling gelding

than my wife with herself.

Then she plots, then she
ruminates, then she devises

and what they think in their
hearts they may effect,

they will break their
hearts but they will effect.

God be praised for my jealousy.

11 o'clock, the hour, I will prevent this,

detect my wife, be revenged on
Falstaff, and laugh at Page.

I will about it, better
three hours too soon

than a minute too late.

Fie, fie.

Cuckold.

Cuckold.

Cuckold [Ford sobs].

[Caius yelling]

Jack Rugby.

[Jack] Sir.

What is the clock, Jack?

'Tis past the hour, sir,
Sir Hugh promised to meet.

By gar, he has save his
soul, that he is no come.

He has pray his Bible
well, that he is no come.

By gar, Jack Rugby, he be
dead already if he be come.

He is wise, sir, he knew

your worship will kill him if he come.

By gar, he's a herring, me not so dead

so as I will kill him.

Take your rapier, Jack, I will
tell you how I will kill him.

Alas sir, I cannot fence.

Villainy, take your rapier.

[Caius and Rugby yelling]

Forbear, here's company.

Bless thee, bully Doctor.

How now, good Doctor.

God save you Master Doctor.

Give you good morrow, sir.

What be all you, one, two,
three, four, come for?

To see thee fight, to see thee
foin, to see thee traverse,

to see thee here, to see thee there,

to see thee pass thy punto, thy stock,

thy reverse, thy mountain.

[Caius gasps]

Is he dead, my Ethiopian?

Is he dead, my Francisco?

Ha, bully, what says my Aesculapius?

My Galen, my heart of elder?

Huh, is he dead, bully-stale, is he dead?

By gar, he is the coward,
Jack priest of the world,

he is not show his face.

Thou art a Castalion-King-Urinal.

Hector of Greece, my boy.

I pray you, bear witness

that me have stay six or seven,

two, three hours and he is no come.

He is the wiser man, Master Doctor.

He is a curer of souls, and
you're a curer of bodies.

If you should fight,

you go against the hair
of your professions.

Pah.

Is it not true, Master Page?

Master Shallow, you have
yourself been a great fighter,

though now a man of peace.

Oh, bodykins, Master Page,

though I now be old and of the peace

if I see a sword out, my
finger itches to make one.

Though we are justices,
and doctors, and churchmen,

we have some salt of our youth in us,

we are the sons of women, Master Page.

'Tis true, Master Shallow.

It will be found so, Master Page.

Master Doctor Caius, I am
come to fetch you home.

Pah.

I am sworn of the peace,

you have shown yourself a wise physician,

Sir Hugh has shown himself a
wise and patient churchman.

You must go with me, Master Doctor.

Pah.

Pardon, guest justice, a
word, monsieur Mock-water.

Mock-water, what is that?

Mock-water, in our English
tongue, is valor bully.

By gar, then we have as much
Mock-water as the Englishman.

Scurvy Jack priest!

By gar, me will cut his ears.

He will clapper-claw thee tightly, bully.

Clapper-claw, what is that?

That is, he will make thee amends.

By gar, then me do look
he shall clapper-claw me,

for, by gar, me will have it.

But I will provoke him
to it, or let him wag.

Me thank you for that.

Moreover, bully, but first,

Master Guest and Master Page,
and eke Cavaleiro Slender,

go you through the town to Frogmore.

Sir Hugh is there, is he?

He's there, see what humor he's in

and I will bring the doctor about

by the fields, will it do well?

We will do it.

Adieu, good Master Doctor.

Adieu Master Doctor.

Adieu, good Master Doctor.

By gar, me will kill the priest,

for he speak for a
jack'a'nape to Anne Page.

Let him die, she thy impatience,

throw cold water on thy choler,

go about the fields
with me through Frogmore

I will bring thee where
Mistress Anne Page is,

at a farm-house a-feasting,
and thou shalt woo her.

Try game, said I well?

By gar, me thank you for
that, by gar, I love you

and I shall procure you the good guest,

the knight, the earl, the
lords, gentlemen, my patients.

For the which I will be thy
adversary toward Anne Page.

Shall we wag, then?

By gar, it is good, well said.

[men laughing]

Come at my heels, Jack Rugby.

[men laughing]

I pray you, good Master
Slender's serving-man and friend,

Simple by your name,
which way have you looked

for Master Caius, that calls
himself doctor of physic?

Marry, sir, the pretty wood,
the park wood, every way,

old Windsor way, and every
way but the town way.

I most vehemently desire you
should also look that way.

I will, sir.

Oh, would you so bless me, how
my heart throbs and throbs.

How full of chollors I am,

and trembling of mind.

I shall be glad if he have deceived me.

How melancholies I am.

I will knock his urinals
about his knave's costard

when I have good
opportunities for the work.

Bless my soul.

♪ To shallow rivers, to whose falls, ♪

♪ melodious birds sing madrigals, ♪

♪ there shall we make our beds of roses, ♪

♪ and a thousand fragrant posies. ♪

♪ To shallow. ♪

Mercy on me, I have a
great disposition to cry.

♪ Melodious birds sing madrigals, ♪

♪ When as I sat in Babylon, ♪

♪ and a thousand vagrant posies. ♪

♪ To shallow rivers, to whose falls-- ♪

Yonder he is, coming this way, Sir Hugh.

He's welcome.

♪ To shallow rivers, to whose falls. ♪

Heaven prosper the right,
what weapons is he?

No weapons, sir.

Here comes my master, Master Shallow,

and another gentleman from Frogmore,

over the stile, this way.

I pray you, give me my gown.

Or else, keep it in your hands.

How now, Master Parson,
good morrow, good Sir Hugh.

Keep a gamester from the
dice and a good student

from his book, it is wonderful.

Ah, sweet Anne Page.

Save you, good Sir Hugh.

Bless you from his
mercy's sake, all of you.

What, the sword and the word?

Do you study them both, Master Parson?

And youthful still in
your doublet and hose

this raw rheumatic day.

There is reasons and causes for it.

We are come to you to do a
good office, Master Parson.

Oh, very well, what is it?

Yonder is a most reverend gentleman,

who, belike having received
wrong by some person,

is at the most odds with his own gravity

and patience that ever you saw.

I have lived fourscore years and upwards,

I never heard a man of his
place, gravity and learning,

so wide of his own respect.

Aw, What is he?

I think you know him, Master Doctor Caius,

the renowned French physician.

God's will and his passion,

of my heart I would lief you would tell me

as above a mess of porridge.

Why?

He has no more knowledge
in Hippocrates and Galen,

and he's a knave besides, a cowardly knave

as you would desires to
be acquainted withal.

I warrant you, here's the
man should fight with him.

Oh, sweet Anne Page!

It appears so, by his weapon.

Oh.

[Shallow] Keep them asunder,
here comes Doctor Caius.

Ah,

ah.

Nay, good Master Parson,
keep in your weapon.

Ah.

So do you, good Master Doctor.

Disarm them and let them question,

let them keep their limbs
whole, and hack our English.

I pray you, let me speak
a word with your ear.

Wherefore will you not meet me?

I pray you, use your patience, hm.

In good time.

By gar, you are the coward,
the Jack dog, John ape.

I pray you, let us not be laughingstocks

to other men's humors.

I desire you in friendship and will,

one way or other, make you amends.

I will knock your urinals
about your knave's cogscomb

for missing your meetings
and appointments.

[speaks in foreign language] Jack Rugby,

mine host [speaks in foreign language]

did I not stay for him to kill him?

Did I not, at the place I did appoint?

As I am a Christians souls, look you,

this is the place appointed,

Ah.

I'll be judgment of
mine host of the Garter.

Peace, I say, Gallia and Gaul,

French and Welsh,
soul-curer and body-curer.

Ay, that is very good, excellent.

Peace, I say, hear mine
host of the Garter.

Am I politic, am I subtle?

Am I a Machiavel?

Should I lose my doctor?

No, he gives me the
potions and the motions.

Shall I lose my parson,
my priest, my Sir Hugh?

No, he gives me the
proverbs and the no verbs.

Give me thy hand, terrestrial, so.

Give me thy hand, celestial, so.

Boys of art, I have deceived you both,

I have directed you to wrong places.

[men gasp]

Your hearts are mighty
and your skins are whole,

and let burnt sack be the issue.

Come, lay their swords to pawn.

Follow me, lads of peace,
follow, follow, follow.

[men murmur in excitement]

Oh sweet Anne Page.

Ha, do I perceive that?

Have you made a sod of us?

Ha, ha.

This is well, he has made
up his flouting-stock.

I desire you that we may be friends,

and let us knock our brains together

to be revenge on this same scall, scurvy,

cogging companion, the host of the Garter.

Ah, with all my heart,

he promised to bring
me where is Anne Page,

by gar, he deceived me too.

Well, I will smite his
noddles, pray you follow.

[upbeat trumpet music]

Nay, keep your way little gallant,

you were wont to be a follower,

but now you are a leader.

Whether had you rather, lead mine eyes

or eye your master's heels?

I had rather, forsooth,
go before you like a man

than follow him like a dwarf.

Oh, you are a flattering boy,

now I see you'll be a courtier.

Well met, Mistress Page, whither go you?

Truly, sir, to see your
wife, is she at home?

Ay, and as idle as she may

hang together for want of company.

I think if your husbands were
dead, you two would marry.

Be sure of that, two
other husbands [laughs]

Where had you this pretty weathercock?

I cannot tell what the
dickens his name is,

my husband had him of.

What do you call your
knight's name, sirrah?

Sir John Falstaff.

Sir John Falstaff.

He, he, I can never hit on's name.

There is such a league
between my good man and he.

Is your wife at home indeed, sir?

Indeed she is.

By your leave then, I
am sick till I see her.

Has Page any brains?

Hath he any eyes, hath he any thinking?

Sure, they sleep, he hath no use of them.

Why, this boy will carry a letter 20 mile,

as easy as a cannon will
shoot point-blank 12 score.

He pieces out his wife's inclinations,

he gives her folly motion and advantage

and now she's going to my wife

and a Falstaff's boy with her.

A man may hear this
shower sing in the wind.

And Falstaff's boy with her.

Good plots, they are laid,

and our revolted wives
share damnation together.

Well, I will take him
then torture my wife,

pluck the borrowed veil of modesty

from the so seeming Mrs Page,

divulge Page himself for a
secure and wilful Actaeon,

and to these violent proceedings

all my neighbors will cry aim.

[clock chiming]

The clock gives me my cue,

my assurance bids me search,
there I shall find Falstaff.

I shall be rather praised
for this than mocked.

For it is as positive as the earth is firm

that Falstaff is there, I will go.

Well met, Master Ford.

Trust me, a good knot.

I have good cheer at home and
I pray you all go with me.

I must excuse myself, Master Ford.

And so must I, sir,

we have appointed to
dine with Mistress Anne,

and I would not break with her

for more money than I'll speak of.

We have lingered about a
match between Anne Page

and my cousin Slender, and
today we shall have our answer.

I hope I have your good will, Father Page.

You have, Master Slender,
I stand wholly for you.

But my wife, Master Doctor,
is for you altogether.

Ay, by gar and the maid is love me.

My nurse, Quickly, tell me so much.

[Host] What say you to
young Master Fenton?

Pah.

He capers, he dances,
he has eyes of youth,

he writes verses, he speaks holiday,

he smells April and May.

He will carry it, he will carry it,

'tis in his buttons, he will carry it.

Not by my consent, I promise you.

The gentleman is of no having.

He kept company with a
wild prince and Poins,

he's of too high a
region, he knows too much.

No, he shall not knit
a knot in his fortunes

with the finger of my substance,

if he takes her, let him take her simply.

The wealth I have waits on my consent

and my consent goes not that way.

I beseech you heartily,

some of you come home with me to dinner.

Besides your cheer, you shall have sport,

I will show you a monster.

Master Doctor, you shall go,

so shall you, Master
Page, and you, Sir Hugh.

Fare you well,

we shall have the freer
wooing at Master Page's.

Go home, John Rugby, I come anon.

Farewell, my hearts.

I'll to my honest knight, Falstaff,

and drink canary with him.

I think I shall drink in
pipe wine first with him.

I'll make him dance.

Will you go, gentles?

Have with you to see this monster.

[men laughing]

[merry folk music]

What John, what Robert.

Quickly, quickly, is the buck-basket.

I warrant, what Robin, I say.

Here, set it down.

Come, come, come.

Well, give your men the
charge, we must be brief.

Marry, now as I told you
before, John and Robert,

be ready here hard by in the brew-house

and when I suddenly call you, come forth.

And, without any pause or staggering,

take this basket on your shoulders.

That done, trudge with it in all haste,

and carry it among the
whitsters in Datchet-mead,

and there empty it in, Datchet-mead,

and there empty it in the muddy ditch

close by the Thames side.

You will do it?

I had told them over and
over, they lack no direction.

Now, be gone, and come
when you are called.

Here comes little Robin.

How now, my eyas-musket,
what news with you?

My master, Sir John, is
come in at your back-door,

Mistress Ford, and requests your company.

You little Jack-a-Lent,
have you been true to us?

Ay, I'll be sworn,

my master knows not of your being here,

and has threatened to put
me into everlasting liberty

if I tell you of it,

for he swears you'll turn me away.

Thou'rt a good boy,

this secrecy of thine
shall be a tailor to thee

and shall make you a new doublet and hose.

I'll go hide me.

Do so.

Go tell thy master I am alone.

Mistress Page, remember you your cue.

I warrant thee, if I
do not act it, hiss me.

Go to, then.

we'll use this unwholesome humidity,

this gross watery pumpkin.

We'll teach him to know turtles from jays.

Have I caught thee, my heavenly jewel?

Why, now let me die, for
I have lived long enough.

This is the period of my
ambition, oh, this blessed hour.

Oh, sweet Sir John!

Mistress Ford, I cannot cog,

I cannot prate, Mistress Ford.

Now will I sin in my wish, I
would thy husband were dead.

I'll speak it before the best lord,

I would make thee my lady.

I, your lady, alas, Sir John,
I should be a pitiful lady.

Let the court of France
show me such another.

I see how thine eye would
emulate the diamond.

Thou hast the right arched beauty

of the brow that so becomes the ship-tire,

the tire-valiant, or any
tire of Venetian admittance.

A plain kerchief, Sir John,

my brows become nothing
else, nor that well neither.

Oh, by the Lord, thou
art a tyrant to say so.

Thou wouldst make an absolute courtier

and the firm fixture of thy foot

would give an excellent motion to thy gait

in a semi-circled farthingale.

I see what thou wert,
if fortune, not nature,

were thy friend, come
thou canst not hide it.

Believe me, there's no such thing in me.

What made me love thee?

Let that persuade thee

there's something extraordinary in thee.

Come, I cannot cog and say
thou art this and that,

like a many of these lisping hawthorn-buds

that come like women in men's apparel,

and smell like Bucklersbury
in simple time, I cannot.

But I love thee, none but thee.

And thou deserves it.

Do not betray me, sir, I
fear you love Mistress Page.

Why, thou might as well say

I love to walk by the counter-gate,

which is as hateful to me
as the reek of a lime-kiln.

[Mrs Ford laughing]

Well, heaven knows how much I love you

and you shall one day find it.

Keep in that mind and I'll deserve it.

Oh nay, I must tell you, so you do,

else I could not be in that mind.

[Falstaff and Mrs Ford laughing]

Mistress Ford, Mistress Ford.

Here's Mistress Page at the door,

sweating, and blowing, and looking wildly,

and would needs speak with you presently.

She shall not see me, I will
ensconce me behind the arras.

Pray you, do so, she's
a very tattling woman.

[running footsteps]

What's the matter, how now?

[Mrs Page gasping]

Oh Mistress Ford, what have you done?

You're shamed, you're overthrown,
you're undone for ever.

What's the matter, good Mistress Page?

Oh, well-a-day, Mistress Ford,

having an honest man to your husband,

to give him such cause of suspicion.

What cause of suspicion?

[Mrs Page] What cause of suspicion?

Out upon you, how am I mistook in you.

Why, alas, what's the matter?

Your husband's coming hither, woman,

with all the officers in Windsor,

to search for a gentleman
that he says is here

now in the house, by your consent,

to take an ill advantage of
his absence, you are undone.

'Tis not so, I hope.

Pray heaven it be not so,
that you have such a man here.

but 'tis most certain
your husband's coming,

with half Windsor at his heels,
to search for such a one.

I come before to tell you.

If you know yourself
clear, why, I'm glad of it.

But if you have a friend
here, convey, convey him out.

Now, be not amazed, call
all your senses to you.

Defend your reputation,

or bid farewell to your
good life for ever.

What shall I do?

There is a gentleman [Mrs
Page gasps] my dear friend

and I fear not mine own
shame so much as his peril.

I had rather than a thousand
pound he were out of the house.

For shame, never stand,

you had rather, and you had rather.

Your husband's here at
hand [Mrs Ford sobbing]

bethink you of some conveyance,

in the house you cannot hide him.

Oh, how have you deceived me.

Look, here is a basket, if he
be of any reasonable stature,

he may creep in here and
throw foul linen upon him,

as if it were going to bucking.

Or, it is whiting-time, send him

by your two men to Datchet-mead.

He's too big to go in
there, what shall I do?

Let me see it, let me
see, oh, let me see it.

Oh, I'll in, I'll in, follow
your friend's counsel, I'll in.

[Mrs Page gasps] Sir John Falstaff.

Why, Sir John, is this your love?

Are these your letters, knight?

I love thee, none but thee.

Help me away, I'll creep
in here, I'll never--

Help to cover your master, boy.

Call your men, Mistress Ford.

What, John, Robert, John.

You dissembling knight.

Go, take up these clothes here, quickly.

Where's the cowl-staff?

Oh, look how you drumble.

Go, take them to the
laundress in Datchet-mead.

Quickly, come.

Pray you, come near.

If I suspect without cause,
why then make sport at me,

then let me be your jest, I deserve it.

How now, who goes here,
whither bear you this?

[Servant] To the laundress, forsooth.

Why, what have you to
do whither they bear it?

You were best meddle with buck-washing.

Buck, I would I could
wash myself of the buck.

Buck, buck, buck, ay, buck.

I warrant you, buck, and of
the season too it shall appear.

Gentlemen, I have dreamed
tonight, I'll tell you my dream.

Here, here, here be my keys,

ascend my chambers,
search, seek, find out.

I warrant we'll unkennel the fox.

Let me stop this way first.

Ha, so now, uncape.

Good Master Ford, be contented,

you wrong yourself too much.

True, Master Page.

Up, gentlemen, you shall see sport anon.

Follow me, gentlemen.

This is very fantastical
humors and jealousies.

By gar, 'tis not the fashion of France,

it is not jealous in France.

Nay gentlemen, follow him,
see the issue of his search.

[loud footsteps]

[Mrs Ford and Mrs Page laughing]

Is there not a double excellency in this?

I know not which pleases me better,

that my husband is deceived or Sir John.

What a taking was he in

when your husband asked
who was in the basket.

I warrant he'll have need of washing,

so throwing him into the
water will do him a benefit.

Hang him, dishonest rascal,

I would all of the same strain
were in the same distress.

[objects clanging, drawers opening]

I think my husband hath
some special suspicion

of Falstaff's being here.

For I never saw him so gross
in his jealousy till now.

I will lay a plot to try that

and we will yet have more
tricks with Falstaff,

his dissolute disease will
scarce obey this medicine.

Shall we send that foolish carrion,

Mistress Quickly, to him,

and excuse his throwing into the water

to give him another hope,

to betray him to another punishment?

We will do it, let him
be sent for tomorrow

eight o'clock, to have amends.

I cannot find him, maybe the knave

bragged of that he could not compass.

Heard you that?

You use me well do you, Master Ford?

Ay, ay, I do so.

Heaven make you better than your thoughts.

Amen.

You do yourself mighty wrong, Master Ford.

Ay, ay, I must bear it.

If there be any body in the house,

or in the chambers, or in the
coffers, or in the presses,

heaven forgive my sins
at the day of judgment.

By gar, nor I too, there is no bodies.

Fie, fie, Mister Ford,
are you not ashamed?

What spirit, what devil
suggests this imagination?

I would not have your
distemper in this kind

for the wealth of Windsor Castle.

'Tis my fault, Master
Page, I suffer for it.

You suffer for a bad conscience.

Your wife is as honest a woman's

as I will desires among five thousand,

ay, and five hundred too.

By gar, I see 'tis an honest woman.

Well, I promised you a dinner,

come,

come, walk in the park.

I pray you, pardon me, I will hereafter

make known to you why I've done this.

Come wife, come Mistress Page.

I pray you, pardon me,
pray heartily pardon me.

Let's go, gentlemen but we'll mock him.

I do invite you tomorrow morning
to my house to breakfast.

And after, we'll a-birding together,

I have a fine hawk for the bush.

Shall it be so?

Anything.

If there is one, I'll
make two of the company.

If there be one or two,
I shall make the third.

[Page laughing]

Pray you, go, Master Page.

I pray you, remembrance tomorrow

on the lousy knave, mine host.

Ah, that is good, by
gar, with all my heart.

A lousy knave, to have his
gibes and his mockeries.

[Mrs Ford laughing]

We'll leave a proof by
that which we will do.

Wives may be merry and yet honest, too.

[women laughing]

[merry folk music]

I see I cannot get thy father's love,

therefore no more turn
me to him, sweet Nan.

Alas, how then?

Why, thou must be thyself.

He doth object I am too great of birth,

and that, my state being
galled with my expense,

I seek to heal it only by his wealth.

Besides these, other
bars he lays before me,

my riots past, my wild societies,

tells me to the thing impossible

I should love thee but as a property.

Maybe he tells you true.

No, heaven so speed me in my time to come.

Albeit I will confess thy father's wealth

was the first motive I wooed thee, Anne.

Yet, wooing thee, I
found thee of more value

than stamps in gold or
sums in sealed bags.

'Tis the very riches of
thyself that now I aim at.

Gentle Master Fenton,

yet seek my father's
love, still seek it, sir.

If opportunity and humblest
suit cannot attain it,

why then, hark you hither.

Break their talk, Mistress Quickly,

my kinsman shall speak for himself.

I'll make a shaft or a bolt on it,

slid, 'tis but venturing.

Be not dismayed.

No, she shall not dismay
me, I care not for that,

but that I am afeard.

Hark ye, Master Slender
would speak a word with you.

I come to him, this is my father's choice.

Oh, what a world of
vile ill-favored faults

looks handsome in three
hundred pounds a year.

How does good Master Fenton?

I pray you, a word with you.

She's coming.

To her, coz.

Oh boy, thou hadst a father.

I had a father, Mistress Anne.

My uncle can tell you good jests of him.

Pray you, uncle, tell
Mistress Anne the jest,

how my father stole two geese
out of a pen, good uncle.

Mistress Anne, my cousin loves you.

Ay, that I do,

as well as I love any
woman in Gloucestershire.

He will maintain you like a gentlewoman.

Ay, that I will, come cut and long-tail,

under the degree of a squire.

He will make you a hundred
and fifty pounds jointure.

Good Master Shallow,
let him woo for himself.

Marry, I thank you for it,

I thank you for that good comfort.

She calls you, coz, I'll leave you.

Now, Master Slender.

Now, good Mistress Anne.

What is your will?

My will?

Hm.

Od's heartlings, that's
a pretty jest indeed.

I ne'er made my will yet, I thank heaven.

I am not such a sickly
creature, I give heaven praise.

I mean, Master Slender,
what would you with me?

Truly, for mine own part,

I would little or nothing with you.

Your father and my
uncle hath made motions,

if it be my luck, so.

If not, happy man be his dole.

They can tell you how
things go better than I.

You may ask your father, here he comes.

Good Master Slender,

love him, daughter Anne.

Why how now, what does Master Fenton here?

You wrong me, sir, thus
still to haunt my house.

I told you, sir, my
daughter is disposed of.

Nay, Master Page, be not impatient.

Good Master Fenton, come not to my child.

She is no match for you.

Sir, will you hear me?

No, good Master Fenton.

Come, Master Shallow, son Slender, in.

Knowing my mind, you
wrong me, Master Fenton.

In.

Speak to Mistress Page.

Good Mistress Page, for
that I love your daughter

in such a righteous fashion as I do,

perforce, against all
checks, rebukes and manners,

I must advance the colors
of my love and not retire.

Let me have your good will.

Good mother, do not marry me to yond fool.

I mean it not, I seek
you a better husband.

That's my master, Master Doctor.

Alas, I had rather be
set quick in the earth

and bowled to death with turnips.

Trouble not yourself.

Good Master Fenton, I will
not be your friend nor enemy.

My daughter will I
question how she loves you,

and as I find her, so am I affected.

Till then farewell, sir.

She must needs go in,
her father will be angry.

Farewell, gentle mistress, farewell, Nan.

This is my doing now.

Nay, said I, will you cast your child away

on a fool and a physician?

Look on Master Fenton, this is my doing.

I thank thee, and I
pray thee once tonight,

give my sweet Nan this ring.

There's for thy pains.

Now heaven send thee good fortune.

A kind heart he hath.

A woman would run through fire and water

for such a kind heart.

But yet, I would my
master had Mistress Anne,

or I would Master Slender had her,

or, in sooth, I would
Master Fenton had her.

I will do what I can for them, all three.

For so I promised, and
I'll be as good as my word.

But speciously for Master Fenton.

Well, I must of another
errand to Sir John Falstaff

from my two mistresses.

What a beast I am to slack it.

[merry folk music]

Bardolph,

Bardolph, I say.

Here, sir.

Now, go fetch me a quart of sack.

And put a toast it.

[Bard] Oh, sir.

Have I lived to be carried in a basket,

like a barrow of butcher's
offal, and thrown into Thames?

Well, if I be served such another trick

I'll have my brains taken out and buttered

and give them to a dog
for a new year's gift.

The rogues slighted me into the river

with as little remorse as they'd had

drowned a blind bitch's
puppies, 15 in the litter.

And you may know by my size

I have a kind of alacrity in sinking.

The bottom were as deep
as hell, I should down.

I had been drowned,

but that the shore was shelvy and shallow.

It's a death that I abhor,

for the water swells a man

and what a thing should I
have been had I been swelled.

I should have been a mountain a mummy.

Mistress Quickly below,
will speak with you.

Oh, come, let me pour some
sack into the Thames water,

my belly feels as cold as
if I'd swallowed snow balls

for pills to cool the kidneys.

[slurping]

Call her in.

Come in, woman.

By your leave, I cry you mercy,

give your worship good morrow.

[Falstaff belching]

Bard, take away these chalices,

brew my a bottle of sack, finely.

With eggs, sir?

Simple of itself, I'll no
pullet-sperm in my brewage.

How now.

Marry, I come to your
worship from Mistress Ford.

Mistress Ford, I've had enough of Ford,

I was thrown into the ford,
I had my belly full of ford.

Alas a day, good heart,
that was not her fault,

she does so take on with her men,

they mistook their erection.

So did I mine to build upon
a foolish woman's promise.

Well, she laments, sir, for it,

that it would yearn your heart to see it.

Her husband goes this morning a-birding.

She desires you once more to come to her

between eight and nine.

I must carry her word quickly,

she'll make you amends, I warrant you.

Well, I will visit her, tell her so.

And bid her think what a man is,

let her consider his frailty,
and then judge of my merit.

I will tell her, sir.

Do so, 'twix nine and ten, says thou?

Eight and nine, sir.

Well, go to, I will not miss her.

Peace be with you, sir.

I marvel I hear not of Master Brook,

he sent me word to stay within.

I like his money well, oh there he is.

Bless you, sir.

Ah, Master Brook, you come to hear

what hath passed between
me and Ford's wife?

That indeed, Sir John, is my business.

Well Master Brooke, I will not lie to you,

I was at her house the
hour she appointed me.

And sped you, sir?

Very ill-favoredly, Master Brook.

How so, sir, did she
change her determination?

No, Master Brook but the

peaking Cornuto, her
husband, Master Brook,

comes me the instant of our encounter,

after we had embraced, kissed, protested,

and, as it were, spoke the
prologue of our comedy.

And at his heels a
rabble of his companions,

thither provoked and
instigated by his distemper

and, forsooth, to search his
house for his wife's love.

What, while you were there?

While I was there.

And did he search for you
and could not find you?

You shall hear, Master Brook.

As good luck would have it,
comes in one Mistress Page,

gives intelligence of Ford's approach,

and, in her invention and
Ford's wife's distraction,

they conveyed me into a buck-basket.

A buck-basket.

[Ford laughing]

Yes, a buck-basket.

Crammed me in with foul shirts

and smocks and socks, foul
stockings and greasy napkins.

That, Master Brook, there
was the rankest compound

of villainous smell that
ever offended nostril.

And how long lay you there?

You shall hear, Master Brook,

what I have suffered to bring this woman

to evil for your good.

Being thus crammed in the basket,

a couple of Ford's knaves, his hinds,

were called forth by their mistress

to carry me in the name of
foul clothes to Datchet-lane.

They took me on their shoulders,

met the jealous knave
their master in the door,

who asked them once or twice
what they had in the basket.

Well, I quaked for fear,

lest the lunatic knave
would have searched it.

But fate, ordaining he should
be a cuckold, held his hand.

Well, on went he for a search

and away went I for foul clothes.

But mark the sequel, Master Brook.

I have suffered the pangs
of three several deaths.

First, an intolerable fright,

to be detected by a jealous
rotten bell-whether.

Next, to be compassed in
the circumference of a peck,

like a good bilbo, hilt
to point, heel to head.

And then, to be stopped in
like a strong distillation,

with stinking clothes that
fretted in their own grease,

think of that, a man of
my kidney, think of that.

That am as subject to heat as butter,

a man of continual dissolution and thaw.

It was a miracle to scape suffocation.

And in the height of this bath,

when I was more than
half stewed in grease,

like a Dutch dish, to be
thrown into the Thames,

and cooled, glowing hot in
that surge, like a horse-shoe.

Think of that hissing hot,
think of that, Master Brook.

In good sadness, sir, I am sorry that

for my sake you've suffered all this.

My suit is then desperate,
you'll undertake her no more?

Master Brook, I will be thrown into Etna,

as I have been into Thames,
ere I will leave her thus.

Her husband is this
morning gone a-birding.

Oh.

I have received from her
another embassy of meeting,

'twixt eight and nine is
the hour, Master Brook.

It is past eight already, sir.

Is it?

I will then address me to my appointment.

Come you to at your convenient leisure,

you shall learn how I speed.

Adieu, ha, ha.

You shall have her, Master Brook.

Master Brook, you shall cuckold Ford

Is this a vision?

Is this a dream?

Do I sleep?

Master Ford, awake, awake, Master Ford.

There's a hole made in your
best coat, Master Ford.

This it is to be married,

this is it to have linen and buck-baskets.

Well, I will proclaim myself what I am,

I will now take the lecher,

he is at my house, cannot escape me.

'Tis impossible he should, he cannot

creep into a half-penny
purse, nor into a pepper-box.

But, lest the devil that
guides him should aid him,

I will search impossible places.

Though what I am I cannot avoid,

yet to be what I would not
shall not make me tame.

If I have horns to make one mad,

let the proverb go with
me, I'll be horn mad.

[upbeat folk music]

Sir, the Germans have come

and desire to have three of your horses.

The duke himself will be at court tomorrow

and they are going to meet him.

What duke should that
be comes so secretly?

I hear not of him at the court,

let me speak with the
gentlemen, they speak English?

Ay sir, I'll call them to you.

They shall have my horses
but I'll make them pay.

I'll sauce them, they've had
my house a week at command,

I turned away my other guests.

They must come off, I'll sauce them, come.

[lqughing]

Is he at Master Ford's
already, thinks thou?

Oh, sure he is by this,
or will be presently.

But, truly, he's very courageous mad

about his throwing into the water.

Mistress Ford desires
you to come suddenly.

I'll be with her by and by.

I'll but bring my young
man here to school.

Oh, look where his master comes,
'tis a playing-day, I see.

How now, Sir Hugh, no school today.

No, Master Slender islet
the boys leave to play.

Blessings of his heart.

Sir Hugh, my husband says my son profits

nothing in the world at his book.

I pray you, ask him some
questions in his accidence.

Come hither, William,

hold up your head, come.

Come sirrah, hold up your head,

answer your master, be not afraid.

What is fair, William?

Polcat.

Polecats, there's fairer
things than polecats, sure.

Peace your tattlings,

you're a very simplicity
woman, I pray you, peace.

What is lapis, William?

A stone.

And what is a stone, William?

A pebble.

[Evans] No, it is lapis,

I pray you, remember in your brain.

Lapis.

That is a good William.

And what is he, William,
that does lend articles?

Articles are borrowed of the pronoun,

and be thus declined,
[speaks in foreign language].

I pray you, have your remembrance, child

[speaks in foreign language].

[speaks foreign language]

[speaks foreign language]

Hang hog's Latin for bacon, I warrant you.

Cease your prabbles,

what is your genitive
case plural, William?

Genitive case.

[Evans] Ay.

Genitive, [speaks foreign language].

Vengeance on Jenny's case, fie on her,

never name her, child, if she be a whore.

For shame.

You do ill to teach a child such words.

He teaches them to hick and to hack,

which they'll do fast
enough for themselves,

and to cry hore, shame on you.

Woman, art thou lunatics?

Hast thou no understanding of thy cases,

and the numbers of the genders?

You are a foolish Christian
creatures as I would desires.

I prithee, hold thy peace.

Go your ways and play, go, go, go.

He's a better scholar
than I thought he was.

He's a good sprag memory.

Farewell, Mistress Page.

Adieu, good Sir Hugh.

I get you home, boy,
come we stay too long.

Mistress Ford, your sorrow
hath eaten up my sufferance.

I see you are obsequious in your love,

and I profess requital
to a hair's breadth,

not only, Mistress Ford, in
the simple office of love,

but in all the accoutrement,
complement and ceremony of it.

But are you sure of your husband now?

He's a-birding, sweet Sir John.

[Mrs Page] What ho, gossip Ford, what ho.

Step into the chamber, Sir John.

How now, sweetheart, who's
at home besides yourself?

Why, none but mine own people.

Indeed?

No, certainly.

Truly, I am so glad you have nobody here.

Why?

Why, woman, your husband
is in his old lines again.

He so takes on yonder with my husband,

so rails against all married mankind,

so curses all Eve's daughters
of what complexion soever

and so buffets himself
on the forehead, crying,

peer out, peer out, that any
madness I ever yet beheld

seemed but tameness, civility and patience

to this his distemper he is in now.

I am glad the fat knight is not here.

[Mrs Ford] Why, does he talk of him?

Of none but him, and
swears he was carried out,

the last time he searched
for him, in a basket,

protests to my husband he is
now here and hath drawn him

and the rest of their
company from their sport

to make another experiment
of his suspicion.

I am glad the knight is not here,

now shall your husband
see his own foolery.

How near is he, Mistress Page?

Hard by, at street end,
he'll be here anon.

Oh, well I am undone, the knight is here.

Why then, you are utterly
shamed, and he's but a dead man.

What a woman are you, away
with him, away with him.

Better shame than murder.

Which way should he go,
how should I bestow him?

Shall I put him into the basket again?

No, I'll come no more in the basket.

May I not go out ere he come?

Alas, three of Master Ford's brothers

watch the doors with pistols,
that none shall issue out,

otherwise you might slip away ere he came.

But what make you here?

What shall I do?

I'll creep up into the chimney.

There they always use to
discharge their birding-pieces.

Creep into the kiln hole.

Oh, where is it?

He will seek there, on my word.

Neither press, coffer,
chest, trunk, well, vault,

but he hath an abstract for
the remembrance of such places,

and goes to them by his note.

There is no hiding you in the house.

I'll go out, then.

If you go out in your own
semblance, you die, Sir John.

Unless you go out disguised.

How might we disguise him?

Alas the day, I know not,

there's no woman's gown
big enough for him.

Otherwise he might put
on a hat, a kerchief

and a muffler and so escape.

good hearts, devise something.

Any extremity rather than a mischief.

My maid's aunt, the
fat woman of Brentford,

has a gown above.

On my word, it will serve
him, she's as big as he is.

And there's a thrummed
hat and a muffler too.

Run up, Sir John.

Go, go, sweet Sir John,
Mistress Page and I

will look some linen for your head.

Quick, quick, we'll
come dress you straight.

Put on the gown the while.

I would my husband would
meet him in this shape,

he cannot abide the
fat woman of Brentford,

he swears she's a witch,
has forbade her my house

and has threatened to beat her.

Heaven guide him to thy husband's cudgel,

and the devil guide the cudgel afterwards.

But is my husband coming?

Ay, in good sadness, is he.

And talks of the basket too,

howsoever he hath had intelligence.

We'll try that, for I'll appoint my men

to take up the basket again,

to meet him at the door with
it, as they did last time.

Nay, but he'll be here presently,

let's go dress him like
the witch of Brentford.

I'll first direct my men

what they shall do with the basket.

What John, Robert.

Go up, I'll bring linen for him straight.

Hang him, dishonest varlet,
we cannot misuse him enough.

Go, sirs, carry this basket
again on your shoulders,

your master is hard at door.

If he bid you set it down,
obey him, quickly, dispatch.

Come, come, take it up.

Pray heaven it be not
full of knight again.

I hope not, I had as
lief bear so much lead.

[men yelling]

Ay, but if it prove true,

Master Page, have you any
way then to unfool me again?

Set down the basket, villains.

Somebody call my wife.

Youth in a basket, oh you panderly rascal.

There's a knot, a ging, a
pack, a conspiracy against me.

Now shall the devil be shamed.

What, wife, I say, come, come forth,

behold what honest clothes
you send forth to bleaching.

Why, this passes, Master Ford,

you are not to go loose any
longer, you must be pinioned.

This is lunatics, 'tis mad as a mad dog.

Oh indeed, Master Ford,
this is not well, indeed.

So say I too, sir.

Come hither, Mistress Ford.

Mistress Ford, the honest woman,

the modest wife, the virtuous creature,

that hath the jealous fool to her husband.

I suspect without cause, mistress, do I?

Heaven be my witness you do,

if you suspect me in any dishonesty.

Well said, brazen-face.

Hold it out, come forth sirrah.

This passes.

Are you not ashamed,
let the clothes alone.

I shall find you anon.

'Tis unreasonable, will you
hold up your wife's clothes?

-Come away.
-Empty the basket, I say.

Why, man, why?

Master Page, as I am a
man, there was one conveyed

out of my house yesterday in this basket.

Why may not he be there again?

In my house I am sure he
is, my intelligence is true,

my jealousy a reasonable.

[Mrs Ford screams]

Pluck me out all the linen.

If you find a man there, he
shall die a flea's death.

Here's no man.

By my fidelity, Master Ford,

this is not well, this wrongs you.

Master Ford, you must pray

and not follow the
imaginations of your own heart.

This is jealousies.

Well, he's not here I seek for.

No, nor nowhere else but in your brain.

Help to search my house this one time?

If I find not what I seek,
show no color for my extremity.

Let me for ever be your table-sport.

Let them say of me, as jealous as Ford,

that searched a hollow
walnut for his wife's leman.

Satisfy me once more,

once more search with me?

Mistress Page, come you
and the old woman down,

my husband will come into the chamber.

Old woman, what old woman's that?

Why, it is my maid's aunt of Brentford.

A witch, a quean, an old cozening quean.

Have I not forbid her my house?

She comes of errands, does she?

We are simple men, we do not know

what's brought to pass
under the profession

of fortune telling.

She works by charms, by
spells, by the figure

and such daubery as this
is beyond our element

we know nothing.

Come down, you witch, you
hag, you, come down, I say!

Nay, good sweet husband.

Good gentlemen, let him
not strike the old woman.

Come, Mother Prat,
come, give me your hand.

We'll prat her, out of my door you witch.

You hag, you baggage, polecat, out, out.

[confused yelling]

I'll conjure you, I'll fortune tell you.

[Falstaff screams]

[muffled scuffling]

[banging]

Are you not ashamed?

I think you have killed the poor woman.

Nay, he will do it, 'tis
a goodly credit for you.

Hang her, witch.

By yea and no, I think the
woman is a witch indeed.

I like not when a woman has a great beard.

I spy a great beard under her muffler.

Will you follow me, gentlemen?

I beseech you, follow, see
but the issue of my jealousy.

If I cry out thus upon no trail,

never trust me when I open again.

Let's obey his humor a little
further, come gentlemen.

Trust me, he beat him most pitifully.

Nay, by the mass, he did not,

he beat him most un-pitifully methought.

I'll have the cudgel hallowed
and hung over the altar,

it hath done meritorious service.

Oh, what think you?

May we, with the warrant of womanhood

and the witness of a good conscience,

pursue him with any further revenge?

The spirit of wantonness
is sure scared out of him.

He will never, I think, attempt us again.

[hurried footsteps]

[gun fires]

[gun fires]

[gun fires]

[Ford laughs]

Shall we tell our husbands
how we have served him?

Yes, by all means, if it be but to scrape

the figures out of your husband's brains.

If they can find it in their hearts,

the poor un-virtuous fat knight

shall be any further afflicted,

we two will still be the ministers.

I warrant they'll have
him publicly shamed.

And methinks there would
be no period to the jest

were he not publicly shamed.

Come, to the forge with it then,

shape it, I would not have things cool.

[dogs barking]

I would all the world were cozened,

for I have been cozened and beaten too.

If it should come to the ear of the court

how I've been transformed

and how my transformation
hath been washed and cudgeled,

they would melt me out
of my fat drop by drop

and liquor fishermen' boots with me.

I warrant you, they would
whip me with their fine wits

till I were as crest-fallen
as a dried pear.

I never prospered since I
forswore myself at primero.

Well, if I had wind
enough to say my prayers,

I would repent.

[dogs barking]

'Tis one of the best
discretions of a woman

as ever I did look upon.

And did he send you both
these letters at an instant?

Within a quarter of an hour.

Pardon me, wife, henceforth
do what thou wilt.

I rather would suspect the sun with cold

than thee with wantonness,

now doth thy honor stand in
him that was of late an heretic

as firm as faith.

'Tis well, 'tis well, no more.

Be not as extreme in
submission as in offense.

But let our plot go forward.

Let our wives yet once again,
to make us public sport,

appoint a meeting with
this old fat fellow,

where we may take him
and disgrace him for it.

There is no better way
than that they spoke of.

How, to send him word

they'll meet him in the park at midnight?

Fie, fie, he'll never come.

You say he has been thrown in the river

and has been grievously
beaten, as an old woman.

Methink there should be terrors in him

that he should not come.

Methinks his flesh is punished,
he shall have no desires.

So think I, too.

Devise but how you'll
use him when he comes,

and let us two devise
to bring him thither.

There is an old tale goes
that Herne the hunter,

sometime a keeper here in Windsor forest,

doth all the winter
time at still midnight,

walk round about an oak,
with great ragg'd horns.

And there he blasts the
tree and takes the cattle

and makes milch-kine yield blood,

and shakes a chain in a most
hideous and dreadful manner.

You have heard of such a spirit and well,

you know the superstitious idle-headed eld

recede and did deliver to our age

this tale of Herne the hunter for a truth.

Why, yet there want not many that do fear

in deep of night to walk
by this Herne's oak.

But what of this?

Marry, this is our device.

That Falstaff at that
oak shall meet with us.

Disguised like Herne, with
huge horns on his head.

Well, let it not be
doubted but he'll come,

and in this shape when you
have brought him thither

what's to be done with
him, what is your plot?

That also have we thought upon, and thus.

Nan Page, my daughter and my little son,

and three or four more of their growth

we'll dress like urchins,
ouphes and fairies,

green and white, with rounds
of waxen tapers on their heads,

and rattles in their hands.

Upon a sudden, when Falstaff,
she, and I, are newly met,

let them from forth a saw pit rush at once

with some diffused song.

Upon their sight, we two in
great amazed-ness will fly.

Then let them all encircle him about,

and, fairy-like, to-pinch
the unclean knight,

[laughing]

and ask him why that hour of fairy revel

in their so sacred paths he
dares to tread in shape profane.

And till he tell the truth,

let the supposed fairies pinch him sound,

[laughing]

and burn him with their tapers.

The truth being known,

we'll all present ourselves,
dis-horn the spirit,

and mock him home to Windsor.

The children must be
practiced well to this,

or they'll not do it.

I'll teach the children their behaviors

and I will be like a jack-a-napes also,

to burn the knight with thy taper.

[laughing]

That will be excellent, I'll
go and buy them wizards.

My Nan shall be the
queen of all the fairies.

Finely attired in a robe of white.

That silk will I go buy.

And in that time shall Master
Slender steal my Nan away,

and marry her at Eton.

Go, send to Falstaff straight.

I'll to him again in name of Brook.

[laughing]

Sure, he'll tell me all his
purpose, sure he'll come.

Fear not you that, go get us properties

and trickings for our fairies.

Let's about it, this
is admirable pleasures

and very honest knaveries.

Go, Mistress Ford,

send quickly to Sir John to know his mind.

I'll to the doctor, he hath my good will,

and none but he, to marry with Nan Page.

That Slender, though
well landed, is an idiot.

And he my husband best of all affects.

The doctor is well moneyed,

and his friends potent at court.

He, none but he, shall have her.

Though 20 thousand
worthier come to crave her.

What wouldst thou have, boor?

What, thick skin, speak, breathe, discuss?

Brief, short, quick, snap.

Marry, sir, I come to speak with

Sir John Falstaff from Master Slender.

There's his chamber,
his house, his castle,

his standing-bed, and truckle-bed.

'Tis painted about with the story

of the Prodigal, fresh and new.

Go knock and call, he'll speak

like an Anthropophaginian unto thee.

Knock, I say.

There's an old woman, a fat woman,

gone up into his chamber.

I'll be so bold as stay,
sir, till she come down.

I come to speak with her, indeed.

Ha, a fat woman?

The knight may be robbed, I'll call.

Bully knight, bully Sir John.

Speak from my lungs military.

Art thou there?

'Tis thine host, thine Ephesian, calls.

How now, mine host.

Here's a Bohemian Tartar tarries

the coming down of thy fat woman.

Let her descend, bully, let her descend.

My chambers are honorable,
fie, privacy, fie.

There was, mine host,

an old fat woman even now
with me, but she's gone.

Pray you, sir, was not the
wise woman of Brentford?

Ay, marry, was it, muscle
shell, what would you with her?

My master, sir, my Master
Slender, sent to her

seeing her go thorough the streets,

to know, sir, if one Nym, sir,
that beguiled him of a chain

had the chain or no.

I spoke with the old woman about it.

And what says she, I pray, sir?

Marry, she says that the very same man

that beguiled Master Slender of his chain

cozened him of it.

I would I could have spoken
with the woman herself,

I had other things to have
spoken with her too from him.

What are they, let us know?

Ay come, quick.

I may not conceal them, sir.

Conceal it, or thou diest.

Why, sir, they were nothing
but about Mistress Anne Page.

To know if it were my master's
fortune to have her or no.

'Tis, 'tis his fortune.

What, sir?

To have her, or no.

Go, say the old woman told me so.

May I be bold to say so, sir?

Ay sir, like who more bold.

I thank your worship,

I shall make my master
glad with these tidings.

[laughing]

Thou art clerkly, thou
art clerkly, Sir John.

Was there a wise woman with thee?

Ay, that there was, mine host,

one that hath taught me more wit

than I ever learned before in my life.

And I paid nothing for it neither,

but was paid for my learning.

Out, alas, sir! cozenage, mere cozenage.

Where be my horses?

Speak well of them, varletto.

Run off with the cozeners,

soon as I had got beyond Eton,

they threw me off, from
behind one of them,

into a slough of mire and
then set spurs and away,

like three German devils,
like three Doctor Faustuses.

They are gone but to
meet the duke, villain.

Do not say they be fled,
Germans are honest men.

[Evans] Where is mine host?

Here, what's the matter, sir?

Have a care of your entertainment.

There is a friend of mine come to town,

tells me there is three cozen-Germans

have cozened all the hosts of Reading,

of Maidenhead, of Colebrook,
of horses and money.

I tell you for good will, look you,

you are wise and full of
gibes and flouting-stocks,

and it is not convenient
you should be cozened.

Fare you well.

Where is mine host, the Garter?

Here, Master Doctor, in
perplexity and doubtful dilemma.

I cannot tell what is that,

but it is tell me that
you make grand preparation

for a duke the Germany, by my trot,

there is no duke that the
court is know to come.

I tell you for good will.

Hue and cry, villain, assist
me, knight, I am undone.

Fly, run, hue and cry, villain.

I am undone.

[muffled yelling]

[laughing]

Now, whence comes you?

From the two parties, forsooth.

Well, the devil take the one
party and his damn the other

and so shall they be both bestowed.

I have suffered more for their sakes,

more than the villainous inconstancy

of man's disposition is able to bear.

And have not they suffered?

Yes, I warrant, especiously one of them.

Mistress Ford, good heart,
is beaten black and blue,

that you cannot see a
white spot about her.

What tells thou me of black and blue?

I myself was beaten into all
the colors of the rainbow

and I was like to be apprehended
for the witch of Brentford.

But that my admirable dexterity of wit

and my counterfeiting the action

of an old woman protected me,

the knave constable had
set me in the stocks,

in the common stocks, for a witch.

But sir, sir let me speak
with you in your chamber.

You shall hear how things go

and, I warrant, to your content.

Here is a letter, good
heart, what ado here

is to bring you together.

Sure, one of you does
not serve heaven well,

that you are so crossed.

Come up into my chamber.

Master Fenton, talk not to me,

my mind is heavy, I have had a great loss,

I will give over all.

Yet hear me speak, assist me in my purpose

and, as I am a gentleman, I'll give thee

a hundred pound in gold
more than your loss.

I will hear you, Master Fenton,

and I will at the least keep your counsel.

From time to time I have acquainted you

with the dear love I
bear to fair Anne Page,

who mutually hath answered my affection.

So far forth as herself
might be her chooser,

even to my wish.

I have a letter from her,

of such contents as you will wonder at.

The mirth whereof so larded with my matter

that neither singly can be manifested

without the show of both.

Fat Falstaff hath a great scene.

The image of the jest, I'll
show you here at large.

Hark, good mine host.

Tonight at Herne's oak,
just 'twixt 12 and one,

must my sweet Nan present the Fairy Queen.

The purpose why, is here.

In which disguise, while other jests

are something rank on foot,

her father hath commanded her
to slip away with Slender,

and with him at Eton,
immediately to marry.

She hath consented.

Now, sir, her mother, still
strong against that match,

and firm for Doctor Caius,

hath appointed that he shall
likewise shuffle her away,

while other sports are
tasking of their minds.

And at the deanery,
where a priest attends,

straight marry her.

To this, her mother's plot,
she seemingly obedient

likewise hath made promise to the doctor.

Now, thus it rests.

Her father means she
shall be all in white,

and in that habit, when
Slender sees his time

to take her by the hand and bid her go,

she shall go with him.

Her mother hath intended the better to

denote her to the doctor,

for they must all be masked and vizarded,

that quaint in green she
shall be loose enrobed,

with ribbons pendent,
flaring bout her head

and when the doctor
spies his vantage ripe,

to pinch her by the
hand, and, on that token,

the maid hath given
consent to go with him.

Which means she to
deceive, father or mother?

Both, my good host, to go along with me.

And here it rests, that
you'll procure the vicar

to stay for me at church
'twixt 12 and one,

and, in the lawful name of marrying,

to give our hearts united ceremony.

Well, husband your device.

I'll to the vicar, bring you the maid,

you shall not lack a priest.

So shall I evermore be bound to thee,

besides, I'll make a present recompense.

[merry folk music]

This is the third time,

I hope good luck lies in odd numbers.

Go, they say there is
divinity in odd numbers,

either in nativity, chance or death, away.

I'll provide you a chain,

and I'll do what I can to
get you a pair of horns.

Away, I say, time wears,
hold up your head and mince.

How now, Master Brook,

Master Brook, the matter will
be known tonight or never.

Be you in the park about
midnight, at Herne's oak,

and you shall see wonders.

But went you not to her this morning, sir,

as you told me you had appointed?

Yeah, I went to her, Master Brook,

as you see, like a poor old man.

But I came from her, Master
Brook, like a poor old woman.

That same knave Ford, her husband,

hath the finest mad
devil of jealousy in him,

Master Brook, that ever governed frenzy.

I will tell you, he beat me grievously,

in the shape of a woman,

for in the shape of man, Master Brook,

I fear not Goliath with a weaver's beam

I am in haste, go along
with me, will tell you all.

Since I plucked geese, played
truant, and whipped top,

I knew not what 'twas to
be beaten till lately.

Follow me, I will tell you strange things

of this knave Ford, on whom
tonight I will be revenged

and I will deliver his
wife into your hand.

Follow, strange things in
hand, Master Brook, follow.

[dramatic music]

Come, come, we'll couch
in the castle ditch

till we see the light of our fairies.

Remember, son Slender, my daughter.

Ay, forsooth, I have spoke with her,

and we have a nay word
how to know one another.

I come to her in white and cry, mum,

and she cries, budget, and
by that we know one another.

That's good too, but what needs

either your mum or her budget?

The white will decipher her well enough.

It hath struck 10 o'clock.

The night is dark, light and
spirits will become it well.

Heaven prosper our sport, no
man means evil but the devil,

and we shall know him by his horns.

Let's away, follow me.

[dramatic music]

Master Doctor, my daughter is in green.

When you see your time,
take her by the hand,

away with her to the deanery
and dispatch it quickly.

Go before into the park,
we two must go together.

I know what I have to do,

adieu.

Fare you well, sir.

My husband will not rejoice so
much at the abuse of Falstaff

as he will chafe at the
doctor's marrying my daughter.

But 'tis no matter,
better a little chiding

than a great deal of heartbreak.

Where is Nan now and her troop of fairies

and the Welsh devil Hugh?

They are all couched in a pit

hard by Herne's oak, with obscured lights,

which, upon the instant of
Falstaff's and our meeting,

they will at once display to the night.

That cannot choose but amaze him.

If he be not amazed, he will be mocked

and if he be amazed, he
will every way be mocked.

We'll betray him finely.

Against such lewdsters and their lechery,

those that betray them do no treachery.

The hour draws on, to the oak, to the oak.

Trib, trib, fairies, come,
and remember your parts, trib.

Be bold, I pray you, follow me

into the pit and when
I give the watch word

do as I bid you, trib.

[dramatic music]

trib, trib [jangling metal].

[bell chiming]

The Windsor bell hath struck
12, the minute draws on.

Now, the hot-blooded gods assist me.

Remember, Jove, thou wast
a bull for thy Europa,

love set on thy horns.

Oh, powerful love that, in some respects,

makes a man a beast, and in
some other, a beast a man.

Oh, when gods have hot backs
what shall poor men do?

For me, I am here a Windsor stag,

and the fattest, I think, in the forest.

Oh, send me a cool rut-time, Jove,

else who can blame me to piss my tallow?

Who comes here, a doe?

My dear, my male deer.

My doe with the black skirt.

Let the sky rain potatoes,

let it thunder to the
tune of Green Sleeves,

hail kissing comforts and snow eringoes.

Let there come a tempest of provocation,

and I will shelter me here.

Mistress Page has come
with me, sweetheart.

Divide me like a bribe
buck, each a haunch.

Oh, I'll keep my sides to myself,

my shoulders for the fellow of this walk,

and my horns I'll
bequeath to your husbands.

[laughing]

Am I a woodman, ha, speak
I like Herne the hunter?

Now is Cupid a child of
conscience, he makes restitution.

As I am a true spirit, welcome.

[horn sounds]

Alas, what noise?

Heaven forgive us our sins.

What shall this be?

Away.

Away.

[jangling metal]

I think the devil will not have me damned

else the oil that's in me
should set hell on fire.

He never else would cross me thus.

[dramatic music]

Fairies, black, gray, green, and white,

you moonshine revelers, shades of night.

You orphan heirs of fixed destiny,

attend your office and your quality.

Crier Hobgoblin, make the fairy oyes.

Elves, list your names,
silence, you airy toys.

Cricket?

[Cricket] Here.

To Windsor chimneys shalt thou leap,

where fires thou find'st
unraked and hearths unswept,

there pinch the maids as blue as bilberry.

Our radiant queen hates
sluts and sluttery.

They are fairies,, he that
speaks to them shall die.

I'll wink and couch, no
man their works must eye.

Where's Bede?

Here.

Go you, and where you find a maid

that, air she sleep, has
thrice her prayers said,

raise up the organs of her fantasy,

sleep she as sound as careless infancy.

But those that sleep and
think not on their sins,

pinch them, arms, legs, backs,
shoulders, sides, and shins.

Where's Pea?

[Pea] Here.

Go you, and see where brokers sleep

and fox-side servants with their mace.

Go lay the proctors in the street

and pinch the lousy servant's face.

Spare none of these when they're abed

but such whose nose looks blue and red.

[laughing]

About, about, search Windsor Castle,

elves, within and out.

Strew good luck, ouphes,
on every sacred room,

that it may stand till the perpetual doom,

in state as wholesome
as in state it is fit,

worthy the owner, the owner it.

Away, disperse,

but till 'tis one o'clock,

our dance of custom round about the oak

of Herne the hunter, let us not forget.

Pray you, link hand in hand,
yourselves in order set.

And 20 glow worms shall our lanterns be,

to guide our measure round about the tree.

[soft music]

But stay, I smell a man of middle earth.

Oh, heaven defend me
from that Welsh fairy,

lest he transform me to a piece of cheese.

Vile worm, thou was
overlooked even in thy birth.

With trial fire touch me his finger end,

If he be chaste, the
flame will back descend

and turn him to no pain.

But if he start it is the
flesh of a corrupted heart.

A trial, come.

Come, will this wood take fire?

[Falstaff yelling]

Corrupt, corrupt, and tainted in desire.

About him, fairies, sing a scornful rhyme

and, as you trip, still
pinch him to your time.

[Chorus] ♪ Fie upon sinful fantasy, ♪

♪ fie on lust and luxury. ♪

♪ Lust is but a bloody fire, ♪

♪ kindled with unchaste desire. ♪

[Falstaff yelling]

♪ Fed in heart, whose flames aspire, ♪

♪ As thoughts do blow
them, higher and higher. ♪

[Falstaff yelling]

♪ Pinch him, fairies, mutually, ♪

♪ pinch him for his villainy. ♪

♪ Pinch him, and burn
him, and turn him about, ♪

♪ 'Till candles and starlight
and moonshine be out. ♪

[upbeat folk music]

♪ Pinch him, and burn
him, and turn him about, ♪

♪ 'Till candles and starlight
and moonshine be out. ♪

[Whip cracking]

[merry folk music]

Mums?

But it.

[horn sounds]

[jangling metal]

God save you, Sir John Falstaff.

Nay, do not fly, I think
we have watched you now,

will none but Herne the
hunter serve your turn?

I pray you, come, hold
up the jest no higher.

Now, good Sir John, how
like you Windsor wives?

[laughing]

See you these, husband?

[laughing]

Do not these fairy yokes

become the forest better than the town?

Now, sir, who's a cuckold now?

Master Brook, Falstaff's a
knave, a cuckoldly knave,

here are his horns, Master Brook,

and, Master Brook, he hath
enjoyed nothing of Ford's

but his buck-basket, his
cudgel, and 20 pounds of money,

which must be paid to Master Brook,

his horses are arresting
for it, Master Brook.

[laughing]

Sir John, we have had ill
luck, we could never meet.

I will never take you for my love again

but I will always count you my deer.

[laughing]

I do begin to perceive
I have been made an ass.

Ay, and an ox too, both proofs are extant.

[laughing]

And these are not fairies?

[laughing]

[jangling metal]

I was three or four times

in the thought they were not fairies,

and yet the guiltiness of my mind,

the sudden surprise of my powers,

drove the grossness of the
foppery into a received belief,

in despite of the teeth
of all rhyme and reason,

that they were fairies.

See now how wit may be made Jack-a-Lent,

when 'tis upon ill employment!

Sir John Falstaff, serve
God and leave your desires

and fairies will not pince you.

Well said, fairy Hugh.

[laughing]

And leave you your
jealousies too, I pray you.

I will never mistrust my wife again,

till thou art able to
woo her in good English.

[laughing]

Have I laid my brain
in the sun and dried it

that it wants matter to prevent

so gross overreaching as this?

Am I ridden with a Welsh goat too?

Shall I have a coxcomb of frize?

'Tis time I was choked on
a piece of toasted cheese.

Cheese is not good to give butter,

your belly is all butter.

[laughing]

Cheese and butter, have I lived

to stand at the taunt of one
that makes fritters of English?

Well, it's enough to be the decay

of lust and late-walking
through the realm.

Why, Sir John, do you think,

though we would have thrust virtue

out of our hearts by
the head and shoulders

and have given ourselves
without scruple to hell,

that ever the devil could
make you our delight?

What, a hodge-pudding, a bag of flax?

[Mrs Page] A puffed man?

Old, cold, withered and
of intolerable entrails?

And one that is as slanderous as Satan?

And as poor as Job?

And as wicked as his wife?

And given to fornications and to taverns

and sack and wine and metheglins.

And to drinkings and
swearings and starings,

pribbles and prabbles?

Well, I am your theme,

you have the start of me, I am dejected.

Oh, I'm not even able to
answer the Welsh flannel.

Ignorance itself is a plummet
over me, use me as you will.

Marry, sir, we'll bring you to Windsor,

to one Master Brook, that
you have cozened of money,

to whom you should have been a pander.

Over and above that you have suffered,

I think to repay that money
will be a biting affliction.

Nay good husband, let
that go to make amends.

Forget that sum, then
we'll all be friends.

Yet be cheerful, knight.

Thou shalt eat a posset
tonight in my house,

where I will desire thee
to laugh at my wife,

that now laughs at thee.

Tell her Master Slender
hath married her daughter.

Doctors doubt that, if
Anne Page be my daughter,

she is, by this, Doctor Caius' wife.

Whoa, ho, ho, father Page.

Son, how now, how now,
son, have you dispatched?

Dispatched, I'll make the
best in Gloucestershire

know on it, would I were hanged, la, else.

Of what, son?

I came yonder at Eton to
marry Mistress Anne Page,

and and then she's a great lubberly boy.

If it had not been in the
church, I would have swinged him,

or he should have swinged me.

If I did not think it had been Anne Page,

would I might never stir,
and 'tis a postmaster's boy.

Upon my life, then, you took the wrong.

What need you tell me that?

I think so, when I took a boy for a girl.

If I had been married to him,

for all he was in woman's
apparel, I would not have had him.

Why, this is your own folly.

Did not I tell you how you should know

my daughter by her garments?

I came to her in white, and cried, mum,

and she cried budget, as
Anne and I had appointed

and yet it was not Anne,
but a postmaster's boy.

Good George, be not angry.

I knew of your purpose,
turned my daughter into green,

and, indeed, she is now with the doctor

at the deanery, and they're married.

Where is Mistress Page?

By gar, I am cozened, have married a,

[speaks in foreign language]

a boy, peasant, by gar, a boy.

'Tis not Anne Page, by gar, I am cozened.

Why, did you take her in the green?

Ay, by gar, it is a hore son,

[speaks foreign language] Jack boy.

By gar, I'll raise all Windsor.

This is strange.

Who's got the right Anne?

My heart misgives me,
here comes Master Fenton.

How now, Master Fenton.

Pardon, good father,
good my mother, pardon.

Now, mistress, how chance you went

not with Master Slender?

Why went you not with Master Doctor, maid?

You do amaze her, hear the truth of it.

You would have married
her most shamefully,

where there was no
proportion held in love.

The truth is, she and I,
long since contracted,

and now so sure that
nothing can dissolve us.

The offense is holy
that she hath committed,

and this deceit loses the name of craft,

of disobedience, of un-duteous title.

Since therein she doth evitate and shun

a thousand irreligious cursed hours,

which forced marriage would
have brought upon her.

Stand not amazed, here is no remedy.

In love the heavens
themselves do guide the state.

Money buys lands,

the wives are sold by fate.

I am glad, though you've taken

a special stand to strike at me,

that your arrow hath glanced.

Well, what remedy?

Fenton, heaven give thee joy.

What cannot be eschewed must be embraced.

When night dogs run, all
sorts of deer are chased.

Well, I will muse no further.

Master Fenton, heaven send
you many, many merry days.

I also will dance and eat
plums at your wedding.

Good husband, let us every one go home

and laugh this sport
o'er by a country fire,

Sir John and all.

Let it be so, Sir John.

To Master Brook you yet
shall keep your word,

for he tonight shall
lie with Mistress Ford.

[laughing]

[murmured singing]

[thoughtful folk music]