Memories of Me (1988) - full transcript
On his girlfriend's insistence, a disgruntled man tries to make peace with his high-spirited, street-smart and often irritatingly careless father, a failed actor who never quit his dream to be a success.
Kay, Dr. Folin?
Dr. Folin?
They're taking Mrs. Petrakis
into surgery.
- Has she been prepped?
- No, she hasn't.
And go!
Did you call Dr. Sherman?
- He's on his way.
- Great.
Wait! Whoa!
Race you.
You come here often?
Am I going to die?
Are you kidding?
Nobody's going to die,
Mrs. Petrakis.
I'll clean all of the baklava
out of your arteries.
This is the late show.
I do my best work.
Anesthetic, please.
Mrs. Fetrakis...
I'd like you to click
your heels three times...
and when you wake up,
you'll be back in Kansas.
Kansas?
Scalpel. Forceps.
Sponge. So, Carol...
how was your date
with Bigfoot last night?
He paid for the movie,
but I paid for dinner.
You're with the wrong guy.
I need more retraction here.
Let me get a retractor.
Boy, I can't get this...
She's hemorrhaging. Clamp.
I thought that would happen.
Suture.
I can't stop this bleeding.
I should be better at this.
My grandfather was a tailor.
Maybe a 6-0 would work.
I'd use a staple gun
if I could.
Clamp.
I'm getting an irregular
heart rate... a fibrillation.
Heart rate and rhythm
are normal, Doctor.
Constriction
in the chest cavity.
Breathing is labored. Clamp.
Respiration normal, Doctor.
God, this hurts.
Abbie, she's under.
Almost got
this bleeding controlled.
Clamp.
Loss of feeling in the left arm.
Carol, don't go to the Bahamas.
Give me another clamp,
please.
Bleeding is controlled.
Dr. Sherman,
would you be so kind?
Abbie, what's going on?
I'm having a heart attack.
Dr. Polin!
Get me a gurney and
a bed in ICU immediately.
I need a blanket and a pillow.
I'm going to need oxygen
at four liters.
How's the patient?
She lost a lot of blood.
No problem here.
Check my pulse, please.
Ninety-eight
and slightly irregular.
- Not too bad, Abbie.
- For a duck.
Scotty, get me an I.V.
Lidocaine with a push.
Hi, boys.
One, two, three.
I'm going to buy you all
something big.
Don't fight it, Abbie.
I'm afraid to go to sleep.
I'll get a hammer.
Dad, I'm afraid to go to sleep.
Why are you afraid
to go to sleep?
What if I never wake up?
Then there'll be more for me
for breakfast.
Daddy, read to me...
the dreams book.
No. When you can read,
you read the dreams book.
But it's my favorite.
All right,
but it's not my favorite.
OK. The dreams book.
"Sweet dreams to my fingers.
"Sweet dreams to my knees.
"Sweet dreams to bellybuttons
that go in and out.
"Sweet dreams to all the little
tushies in the world."
The big ones, too, like the
waitress in the bowling alley.
That's not the way it goes.
This is kid's stuff.
You want something
you can put your teeth into?
"Inherit the Wind."
Oh, no, not again.
"It's the loneliest
feeling in the world...
"to find yourself
standing up...
"when everyone else
is sitting down.
"To have everybody
look at you and say...
'What's the matter with him?'
That's very good, Dad.
Paul Muni, kiddo.
"I know what it feels like
to walk down an empty street...
"to hear the sound
of your own footsteps.
"Shutters closed,
blinds drawn...
"doors closed against you."
I'm asleep, Daddy, really.
"And you don't know
whether you're walking...
"towards something
or just walking away."
But it's very important
that she doesn't miss...
her physical therapy sessions.
Good-bye, Matilda.
I checked you out.
How are you doing?
Abbie?
I can hear!
Very funny.
You're a funny guy.
Let's get out of here.
Thank God I'm out of here.
I have such weird dreams.
That's understandable.
Let's get a cab.
No, no, no.
I really want to walk.
You're going to like it.
Look.
I'll lean on you,
and you just lean on me.
- Is this good for you?
- This is great.
We're a semicolon walking home.
- Have to have my pretzel.
- Salt!
Thank you.
Salt now.
- I was not ready for this.
- Who is?
I'm a heart surgeon,
for Christ's sake.
I should have seen it coming.
Even the Indians
warned Custer...
"Don't come over today.
We're a little cranky."
You had plenty of warning.
You work like a maniac.
You were so busy
being the doctor...
the patient almost died.
You're lucky it wasn't
more serious this time.
Why can't you be straight
with me?
What are you
so pissed-off about?
I don't want to lose you.
You were so cute.
Nice hands, Doctor.
I still wear that outfit.
Look at me.
This is great.
I couldn't catch a ball.
It's hard to catch
with your face.
I had the word "Spalding"
written on my forehead...
until I was about six.
Oh, my God.
Now I see why
you always lock the door.
- Who took these?
- My father.
Your mother's loving this, too.
How old were you
when they broke up?
Seven. My favorite toy
was a suitcase.
Mine was
my father's stethoscope.
Speaking of which...
it's still ticking!
I didn't even realize
this was on here.
What's this?
This is Music Night, PS 74.
You don't want to see this.
Wait, wait, wait.
No, no. Abbie.
- Are you wearing a tuxedo?
- Yes.
You look like
the world's smallest maitre d'.
He made me wear that.
He wanted me to be a bandleader,
like Harry James.
"Kid, it's a great job.
"You wear a black tuxedo,
a white carnation.
"You can fuck Betty Grable."
I wish you would play for me.
I can't.
And that's another reason.
You want some tea?
You never talk about
your father.
When did he die?
He's not dead.
What? He's alive?
Wait a minute.
Your father is alive?
I haven't checked lately,
but he's alive. So what?
So what?
You told me he was dead.
Why would I do that?
Come on, Abbie.
Every time
I'd ask you about him...
you'd shrug.
I assumed that meant...
You take
my shrugs too seriously.
Come on.
Really? He's alive?
- Where is he?
- He lives in Los Angeles.
What does he do?
He's a professional
embarrassment.
How come you
never talk about him?
There's nothing to say.
Welcome home, Lisa.
The turtle is back in his shell.
Some things are personal.
Personal? Wait a minute.
For three years,
I assume your father's dead.
Now I find out he's alive.
That's personal.
Abbie, this is scaring me.
What else have you not told me?
I'm a transvestite
on the weekends.
I knew that. No, I mean it.
Answer the question.
Let's just save this
for a rainy day.
My heart has done the mambo...
and it was not on
my list of things to do.
We can't forget the list.
Sorry.
I've spent a lot of time
wondering...
where I fit on that list.
Right near the top.
You know why we broke up?
Because you're
always hiding from me.
Hello?
We could have a great time
together, Abbie.
Why don't you join me?
I have this patient-a boy...
He's 12. He's terminal,
and he's amazing.
He tells me something new
every day.
He tells me everything.
He's a kid, and he's scared.
You want a mirror?
So, what did your father do?
Did he beat you?
Do you know what it's like...
to go to a father and son
dinner with my mother?
With Sylvia Polin
in a fox stole?
She brought cake.
How come you dream about him?
I don't know. It was a fluke.
It must have been the I.V.
Have you ever thought
that maybe you love him?
No.
No?
You're a tough piece.
You are great in bed...
but then you don't know
how to hold my hand.
Did you come back
because I got sick?
No.
When you find a decent,
witty, straight turtle...
with great potential,
not to mention a fine ass...
you do everything you can
to make it work...
but it's really tiring
trying to do it alone.
I've got rounds.
Abbie! Yo, Abbie, hey!
Come on, wave!
Do something.
This is a moving picture.
Do something funny.
Come on.
Guess who.
Sanctuary! Sanctuary!
Charles Laughton,
"The Hunchback of Notre Dame."
Aunt Sophie.
Perfect..and cut.
Dr. Livingstone, I presume.
I'm going to be late
getting back to work.
I'll probably get fired.
I'll spend my most
productive years...
waiting for
unemployment checks.
I could have taken a cab.
Don't be silly.
Why are you staring at me?
You look different.
What'd you do,
get a haircut or something?
Around three years ago.
How's a hotshot doctor get
time off to visit his old man?
I told you on the phone.
I had a little
bit of time off...
and I have a lot
of friends out here...
and I wanted some sun.
You couldn't have come
at a worse time.
I'm busy as hell.
Don't worry.
I won't stay that long.
Was it something I said?
Polin, lunch was an hour.
You can't keep doing this.
I overdid it at the salad bar.
I was afraid to drive.
Get a job.
I'm surrounded by assassins.
- Freddie?
- Yeah?
Do me a big favor?
Punch me up on the monitor.
I appreciate it.
In case anybody is interested,
I brought my own family doctor.
Abbie, do me a favor.
Help me raise the bed.
How's your so-called mother?
Seen her lately?
She came to visit me
about two weeks ago.
She moved to Vermont.
Hold it! Vermont?
A woman her age is supposed
to live in Florida.
Who moves to Vermont?
She likes the cold.
She should. She invented it.
Extras, places right away.
Abe, there's an ugly rumor
going around...
that they're
letting people go today.
I warned you... never play a coma.
It's deadly.
Comas are the first to go
when they lay off.
What should I do?
Come out of your coma.
Thanks.
Vermont.
Your so-called mother's crazy.
She was always crazy.
That's why I divorced her.
She said she divorced you.
That's how crazy she is.
How do I look, Doctor?
Don't you feel like a putz?
Where else could you lay
around all day and get paid?
Would you please clear the set?
Abbie, stand by the monitor.
Watch me. You'll enjoy it.
First scene, first position.
Background.
You are very sick.
Pick a disease-a quiet one.
I need this bed clear.
I'm feeling much better.
No. You don't
come out of your coma.
You're dead.
You're history. Let's go.
Very quiet, please.
On the bell.
And in five, four, three, two.
Have you checked him?
Why not?
Oh, my God.
I hope he doesn't recognize me.
How could you sleep with
your own grandfather?
Well, I didn't know.
Wait a minute! Abbie!
When did you start to like sun?
What are you
really doing out here?
Stop tape.
Who the hell's talking?
Hal, come on.
We can't work like this.
I thought I heard a noise
coming from this bed.
It was me.
I picked malaria.
I was delirious.
Back to one.
Come on, people.
Please, help me out here.
Second bell.
Tape is rolling.
And in five, four, three, two.
Here's a funny story
I hope you understand
Listen very closely
if you possibly can
The story of two popcorn
kernels in a red-hot pan
One turned to the other
and said, "Hey, man"
"I'm too pooped to pop"
"Ain't playin' possum"
"Too pooped to pop"
"And I do want to blossom"
"Don't like the bottom"
"Want to get up on top"
"It seems like I'm just
too pooped to pop"
"Now, I'm too pooped to pop,
and I ain't lyin""
"Too pooped to pop,
just layin' there fryin""
"Salt and butter's ready,
and the fire is hot"
"Seems like I'm
just too pooped to pop"
Oh, yeah
Yeah!
No applause.
Just throw money.
How you doing?
Good, good.
Abbie, have a drink.
This is fine.
Come on. Have a taste.
I'll have an Absolut
on the rocks.
Absolutely. Give me one.
You can't fly on one wing, kid.
Am I going
to see you Wednesday?
I'll give you a call.
My kid's in town.
See that you do.
And now, for all the lovers
in the room...
I usually play by ear.
You're a pretty popular girl.
These are my people.
Extras are the real Hollywood.
You won't see our names
in the credit...
not above the title
or below the title.
We think of ourselves
as behind the title.
See the fat guy over there...
with the square head,
looks like a bottle of cologne?
- Yeah.
- He's a legend.
He invented the courtroom walla.
He's that famous?
You know how in every courtroom
scene the guy confesses...
and there's a murmur
goes through the courtroom?
That's the walla,
and that's Stan Cantor...
the great man who invented it.
Watch this.
Hey, Stan!
Isn't it true you had sexual
intercourse with Alison Weatley?
They got the Brody kid
over in the jailhouse.
Hang him, I say!
Let's hang him!
Hang him!
I say that, too.
Watch this one.
Pardon me.
How's your hay fever?
I love it when you do that.
Thanks.
We're all specialists, kid.
Just like you.
What's your specialty, Abe?
Me? I'm a face in a crowd.
Let's talk turkey.
Why did you
really come out here?
I've been under
a lot of pressure lately.
You want my advice?
Sleep on it.
Thank you very much.
Have you tried taking showers?
I get my best ideas
in the shower.
Please listen to me.
I got a better one.
Take off your socks,
put on your socks.
Einstein figured out the whole
universe putting on his socks.
I had a heart attack.
You hold that thought.
Last Call.
I'll see if he's here.
Dr. Folin? Telephone.
Dr. Folin?
Are you sure
they said Dr. Folin?
Yeah, Dr. Polin.
Hello. This is Dr. Polin.
When did it happen?
Where the hell are you?
This is a toll call.
You want to just hit
the highlights?
What the hell
is the matter with you?
I caught you at a bad time?
Listen,
while you're calming down...
if you want to talk to me,
I'm at 555-4379...
and while
you're thinking it over...
I want you to know
it's not my fault.
Get down here and talk to me.
When the hell did it happen?
Six weeks ago!
Six weeks? Six weeks?
And you wait
till now to tell me?
What am I,
a passing acquaintance?
How am I supposed to feel?
This isn't about you...
Excuse me.
Abe, your call did it.
I got the job.
Two weeks guaranteed.
Isn't that good news, Abbie?
I'm so nervous.
I haven't worked in months.
Come on. Angels don't cry.
She needed my help.
I pulled a few strings.
Shit.
Five years, you don't see me.
Then you waltz out here
without a warning...
and you hit me
with heart attack.
What am I chasing you for?
Where are you going?
How can a city this big
have no cabs?
Will you listen to me?
Do you know you embarrassed me
in front of my friends?
My heart attack embarrassed you?
What did I say?
I'm going to the hotel.
You were better on the phone.
Taxi! Taxi!
Hi. It's me.
It's a little bit
after midnight for you...
which makes it 1958 out here.
Just called to say I'm fine.
Everything went great.
My dad was
really happy to see me...
and we're actually going
to a baseball game tomorrow.
Otherwise, I feel good.
I'm just a little bit tired,
that's all.
Your voice sounded really sexy
on your answering machine.
Well, enough of that.
I'm not allowed
to get crazy, am I?
This is your weary traveler
saying good night.
- Who is it?
- Room service.
I didn't order any room service.
Complimentary fruit
for Dr. Polin.
Say you're shtupping
some girl in here...
and you have
another heart attack...
and she robs you
and leaves you there...
and you can't get
to the phone for help.
What do you want?
Will you stay with me, kiddo?
This trip was a really bad idea.
It was lovely seeing you,
but I'm going home tomorrow.
Going home?
We got off to a bad start.
We always
get off to a bad start.
Will you do it for me?
It's pointless.
I'm your father, and I'm asking.
Don't you ever feel like a putz
in those costumes?
Putz?
I never feel like a putz.
I've lived a thousand
different lives...
in a thousand different
places, kid.
Great. When was the last time
you opened a window?
"Towering Inferno."
Steve McQueen
needed a little help.
Hey, hey.
You gonna stay here with me?
Watch it. Nobody tells
Abe Polin how to live.
You still have
the old chair from Herkland.
We watched Johnny Partridge beat
the Yankees from that chair.
That's the only thing I took
with me after the divorce.
I left your mother
everything else...
including the rumors.
Let me show you something.
You see that?
When I die,
make a mold of that imprint...
and put it in front of
the Chinese Theater.
Gable's feet, Monroe's hands,
and Abe Polin's ass.
I'll write that down.
This is
an interesting collage.
I couldn't find a picture
of us, so I taped me in.
You'd never know.
I did a good job.
You want a beer?
Got a pill to take?
No. I'm going to turn in.
To what?
- Hey, Abe.
- What?
Which is my bed?
What's the difference?
Take your pick.
I don't want to sleep
in your bed.
A bed is a bed is a bed.
It looks like you
picked out a bed. Take it.
I got an early call
at the studio tomorrow.
Want to come with me?
You said if I stayed here
you'd take some time off.
Did I say that?
This is a very important job.
Could be the big one.
Big one?
But you're an extra.
Didn't you want to be an actor?
I am an actor.
But it's not really acting.
Anybody can do what you do.
You stand behind the actors.
I could have had
a hundred speaking parts.
I don't know how many times
a director has said...
"Abe, read for a part."
Why haven't you?
Because
I won't take just anything.
There's an alt
to being incidental.
You know how good I am?
I laid in that hospital bed
every day...
for two months
on that soap opera.
People all over the country
sent me "Get well" cards.
I'm not an extra.
I'm the king of the extras.
Good night, Abe.
Good night.
Any schmuck
can get a speaking part.
Must have scared
the hell out of you, huh?
I thought I was immortal.
It's like old times...
just you and me
talking about our problems.
We never talked about anything.
Why bring up problems?
What's the matter?
You're in my bed.
Thank you.
Hi.
People, hold it down.
Want to finish that conversation
on your own time?
A couple of things.
Number one,
use the phones outside.
Don't use
the phones on the stage.
They're for the actors only.
That's the good news.
The bad news is that
we don't need all of you.
You're breaking my heart.
Let's just count out the 20...
and the rest of you can go home.
Go ahead.
- Go ahead, what?
- Start counting.
I don't count. I'm an actor.
He's an actor.
Start counting or get lost.
One.
What did you say?
Two, three...
four, five, six, seven...
eight...
- Who is it?
- Dr. Polin, telegram.
Abbie Folin?
This is your Celebrity
Impressions Tapping Telegram!
Well, hello, you old poop
I just came to get the scoop
To see if you're behaving
like you should
You know what I mean?
Are you watching your aorta
And doing what you oughta?
'Cause doctors
who are sick ain't very good
Yes
Thanks very much.
Are you in show business?
No, I'm a doctor.
For one of the studios?
No. I'm sorry.
Here's a picture anyway.
You never know. Call me.
Who sent you?
Direct from the Big Apple,
Dr. Lisa McConnell!
I was in the neighborhood.
Holy shit.
"You're so romantic,"
she said...
as he swept her into his arms
and carried her off to his bed.
Did I say holy shit?
You've got to stop
threatening to love me.
What the hell
are you doing here?
I was sitting home
listening to my messages...
and all of the sudden,
here's your lonely voice...
saying everything's fine...
you and dad
went to a baseball game.
Schmuck, there's
no baseball in January.
How about asking me in?
This is a 3,000-mile house call.
Yeah, sure. Come in.
You don't seem
very happy to see me.
I'm surprised to see you,
that's all.
Hi.
Could you be a little less
emotional when you kiss me?
I'm perspiring.
How is it going?
I'm in a lot of trouble here.
That may be the most honest
thing you've ever said to me.
I was doing good.
I really was.
I was nervous,
but I was in control.
Then someplace between
baggage claim and the curb...
it got all screwed up.
I'm going to take a shower,
all right?
Make yourself at home.
Thank you.
Play it, Bill.
Excuse me. Sorry.
Can you tell me
where Stage 13 is?
At the end of the trailer,
to your right.
Thank you. Sorry.
That's pretty good.
Try it again.
Let me get this straight
before I meet him.
He's either an actor,
or he isn't.
Exactly.
It's not stupid
to play broccoli.
I'm very sorry.
Excuse me.
No. I'm an actor.
I play many roles.
I am not a piece of meat.
I command respect.
If they catch me
using this phone...
they will kill me.
Excuse me, Miss Strawberry.
What's happening?
Can you tell me
where Abe Polin is?
Of course.
He's holding court
right on the set.
Thank you.
Abe, you got visitors!
Look out
for people wearing bibs.
This is a really good
friend of mine.
Dr. Lisa McConnell,
this is my father.
It's such a pleasure
to meet you.
I've heard so much about you.
I'm glad you came, Doctor.
Maybe you can tell me
what's wrong with my hand.
It's been like this for a month.
Have you tried soaking it
in melted butter?
We got a winner here!
Anything off the top shelf,
sweetheart.
Don't you feel like a putz?
When was the last time
you were a lobster?
Are you from Hollywood, Doctor?
No. New York.
Really?
That's where I'm from.
Frozen fresh.
Lisa and I
are on staff together.
She's one of the best
pediatricians in New York.
Nice credit.
What is it?
You bored with me already?
You had to fly in visitors?
Tango, touchup!
Shut up. Get over here.
You remember my late son Abbie.
And this is one of only
three lady doctors...
in the world...
Christian O'Hara.
- Lisa McConnell.
- Nice to meet you.
Make it special.
It isn't every day
my son sees me crawl.
I'll make you look like
you just came out of the water.
Who does her skin remind you of?
Grace Kelly.
Skin like a baby's bottom.
Thank you.
I worked with Grace Kelly
in "To Catch a Thief."
Remember the ballroom scene?
I danced right by.
That's the first movie
I ever saw!
The State Theater,
Madison, Wisconsin.
That's nice.
Do me a favor, will you?
Rub the shell
right above my ear.
You really knew Grace Kelly?
Yes, I knew Grace Kelly.
That's it. Off you go.
Thanks, Tango.
Anybody calls...
tell them I'm in Maine
for the summer.
This thing weighs a ton.
I'd like to get some air.
What's the name of this picture?
"Surf and Turf."
Abe, is that you?
Sean, is that you?
You look very well.
$12 a pound, mate.
I must get back to work.
Good-bye.
That's Sean Connery!
I know.
He's from my old neighborhood.
You know Sean Connery?
I worked with
all the greatest...
Sean Connery,
Marlon Brando, Paul Newman.
I worked with Doris Day.
I used to walk her cat.
You stay right over here,
sweetheart.
You can see everything.
Can we have all atmosphere
in place right away?
First team.
Anybody bothers you,
tell them you're with Abe.
Excuse me.
He's very charming.
Isn't he?
Bosco, you OK in there?
Can you see
where you're going?
- Yeah.
- Right over here.
Fruits and vegetables,
stay together.
You shellfish,
you can spread out...
but remember, this is
your first time on land.
You're panicked.
You can only think
of one thing...
you want revenge!
Is everybody ready?
Max, are you ready?
- Yes, I'm ready.
- Max is ready. I'm ready.
You're ready.
Let's make this thing.
This is picture.
Put us on a bell, please.
- Marker.
- Action!
Fruits and vegetables, go!
Shellfish!
Carol! Tommy!
The loneliest feeling
in the world...
is to be standing up...
when everybody else
is sitting down...
To have everybody say,
"What's the matter with him?"
He has a part.
I know..
I know what it's like to
walk down an empty street...
and hear the sound
of your own footsteps.
He must be drunk.
You want to get him off the set?
Cut! Cut!
You aren't sure if you are
walking toward something...
or just walking away.
Would somebody get rid
of the lobster, please?
Is there a nurse on the set?
I'm a doctor.
- What are you doing?
- Nothing.
Are you all right?
Of course I'm all right.
Then come down here, please.
Give us a second, please.
Thank you.
I haven't said that speech
in 30 years.
I know.
What's the matter? You never
saw a lobster talk before?
I'm fine. I'm OK.
Right here.
Will you stop carrying on?
I just lost my geography.
For a second there,
I thought I was someplace else.
Has this ever happened
before, Abe?
No. Once in a while...
I recite The Gettysburg Address,
but that's for practice.
Look up.
No dizziness?
No sudden blackouts?
You're the doctor.
You tell me.
Do this.
His coordination is fine.
Maybe it was dehydration.
It must've been hot as hell
in that costume.
What did you have
to eat and drink today?
The usual...
a taco, a couple of beers.
And this is a good idea.
You don't take care of yourself.
Look who's talking,
Mr. Chest Pains.
When was the last time
you had a physical, Abe?
When I needed one.
Now, please...
Al, you know Dr. and Mrs. Welby.
What the hell happened?
I faked it.
You do something crazy,
it gets in the movie.
You are a sick puppy.
This is where
it all happens, kid.
Magic time.
You see that?
Moses parted
the Red Sea right there.
Right there in that parking lot?
It's a water tank.
Cecil B. De Mille's
"The Ten Commandments."
It was my first flick.
I played a goat herder.
I almost didn't make it through.
That's amazing.
Want a bite?
Why bother eating it?
Why not shove it directly
into your artery?
Biff is a moody man.
What do you see in the tush?
What has he got
that I ain't got?
Only younger.
To start with, more hair.
He was 11 years old.
I took him to Sugarman's
Turkish bath.
He didn't want to go in naked.
He was afraid that
everybody would laugh...
when they'd see that he didn't
have any hair on his...
I was afraid
they were going to laugh.
Is it such a big deal?
What the hell are you
bringing this up for?
- Anyway...
- Tell me about this tank.
I tried to explain to him.
You think these guys
never saw a little boy before?
It's natural. You grow up,
your body starts to change.
So I trust him, right?
I take off my clothes.
I hold his hand,
and we go inside.
- And then he yells...
- I said.
"Don't anybody laugh...
"because my son don't have
hair on his balls."
Was that so bad?
It's a funny story.
If you like that story,
you're gonna love this.
After he left us,
I would come out to see him.
And he was always busy working.
I was hot.
Can I tell my story, please?
After a couple of days...
he'd get bored with me.
And he'd send me
right back to my mother.
He'd put me on a train...
give the porter $12
and tell him...
"Don't let this kid get off
before New York."
I still get mail
from the porter.
I never gave the porter
less than $25.
He's always making up
these kind of stories.
Excuse me, boys.
Not that this isn't fun,
but I'm gonna look around.
Where are you going?
It's not important.
Where are you going?
I got to talk to you.
You're talking to
the wrong person.
You're both
very funny and charming.
But don't put me
in the middle of this.
It's too painful.
Want to know why you got sick?
I see him, I see you.
Wait a second.
Are you saying
that I'm like my father?
The man is a pit bull.
He can suck the oxygen
out of a room.
Yes, he's a tough case...
but you've never walked
away from one before.
Doctor.
She's still not at the hotel.
What are you worried about?
She probably went to the movies.
It's your fault.
Do you love her?
Leave me alone.
Was that too tough a question?
Why don't you do
what you do best?
Stay out of my life.
We're getting very personal.
Maybe I ought
to get to the phone.
Giants.
They were all giants.
These are gimmicks to get people
to come into a theater.
Gable is a gimmick?
Gary Cooper, a gimmick?
Humphrey Bogart was a gimmick?
Fonda, Charles Laughton...
Charles Boyer,
Edward G. Robinson...
They moved Paul Muni.
No, they didn't.
It's Jimmy Stewart.
It was always Jimmy Stewart.
You're telling me?
We always played that way.
I'll show you.
Fonda, Laughton, Boyer,
Robinson, Stewart. See?
They moved him!
No, they didn't!
You never listen to me!
What's to listen?
You're wrong.
Where are you running?
You're not supposed to run!
I'm a doctor.
Coming through, please.
Are you OK?
Stay there, please.
That guy's bleeding pretty bad
right over there.
It's OK. I'm a doctor.
Why don't you come into
my office right here?
Lie down. Good.
My name is Dr. Abbie Polin.
I'm from New York.
You ever been there?
Come on. Move it.
You've been in an accident.
Do you understand?
Does this hurt here?
Will you step back, please?
You have a compound fracture
of your left clavicle.
I don't do that kind of work.
We send it out to the shop.
What I'm going to do
is remove your tie...
which is a lovely fabric,
by the way...
and I'm sorry,
but I have to...
Step aside! Are you a doctor?
Yeah.
No, he's an electrician,
but he's good with his hands.
What are you, a wise guy?
Let him work.
Just step back.
Let him work, huh?
Step back.
Come on, everybody back.
You driving a Corvette?
What kind of mileage
do you get to that?
How you doing?
You're in my light.
Back up, back up.
Are you feeling any other pain
besides this pressure?
This pressure is only me.
I'm just applying
a little pressure here.
You're unbelievable.
What?
What if the man died?
If the man dies,
you could get sued.
Look at you. You got blood
all over your clothes.
That's what I do.
I get blood on my clothes.
I'm a doctor.
What the hell did you ever do?
Excuse me. Did you have
a roof over your head?
Clothes on your back?
Who do you think sent you
through medical school?
Uncle Dave!
He could afford it!
What the hell
do you want from me?
What I want from you,
you couldn't give me...
if your life depended on it.
And what's that?
How about love?
Love?
If you love someone,
you come and see them...
a little more often
than every five years!
Love?
What the hell
would I know about love?
Everything I learned
I learned from you!
I'm sitting in there thinking...
"Maybe you might
say something good."
You saw me do something.
You might be proud.
But you gave me bullshit
about getting sued!
I was trying
to look out for you!
You never looked out
for anybody but yourself.
Is that why you came out here?
No, I came out here to get you
in or out of my life!
What conclusion
have you come to?
That you're a fraud.
You're a fraud as a father,
as a husband...
and you're a fake, Abe!
You are not an actor.
Did I ever lay a hand on you?
At least
you would've touched me.
It's not too late!
Let's go!
I have dreamed about hitting you
so hard so many times.
Give it your best shot!
Come on!
Right now!
Look at us.
We're pathetic.
I am not a fraud!
I am an actor!
Who is it?
It's me.
What happened?
Wait a minute.
All I said was talk to him.
It's OK. No more talking.
Just hold me, please.
Can we talk now?
How do you feel?
I feel very grown-up.
I feel very sad for him.
You feel amazing in my arms...
and I've done
enough for one trip.
I'm going home.
You want a second opinion?
Maybe later.
I was looking all over for you.
What are you doing down there?
I like to watch the sun come up.
God does nice lighting.
Why don't you jump in?
It's a little cold...
but you get used to it
after a while.
I packed all my stuff.
My plane leaves at 10:00.
That's a nice time to fly.
Where's the other doctor?
Lisa is waiting in the cab.
At least
I got to see your haircut.
Say good-bye to Christian.
Tell her to think
about changing her name.
You have my number.
Yeah.
Don't work too hard, kiddo.
So long, Abe.
Let me drive you to the airport.
We have a cab. Thanks, anyway.
I'm your father, and I'm asking.
I'll meet you out front.
I'll take you
right to the plane.
I'm hungry.
Why don't we stop?
I'd like some breakfast.
You got a plane to catch!
Don't worry, we'll make it.
It's your plane... but my call.
How about a taco?
How could you eat a taco
this early in the morning?
It started on "The Alamo"
with Duke Wayne.
I worked 28 days
on that picture.
The real Alamo took 13.
- I'm game.
- Where can we get tacos?
Mexico.
People, smile.
You're standing on the oldest
street in Los Angeles!
Don't you feel like a putz?
Relax, Mr. Fun Police.
Excuse me, Ansel Adams.
Could you hurry up?
The kids are getting cranky.
He said we were going to Mexico.
Use your imagination.
This is Mexico, only better.
You save a three-hour trip,
and you can drink the water.
I know you have a smile.
You just have to bring it
from here to here.
Last night...
I don't want it to be like that.
Neither do I.
Nothing is worth getting
that upset about...
except this girl...
she had nipples...
the size of the dials
on my television set.
Hold it!
Listen...
You don't have to apologize.
Not even to me.
How do I look?
You know how you look.
It wasn't that long ago.
You said $10
for a color photograph.
Black is a color,
and white is a color.
Yeah?
And five is the number!
And adios is good-bye.
Come on!
It's fiesta time!
Excuse me.
I bought one of your cars.
You got good rhythm, Christian.
Not bad for a shiksa.
What are you doing?
You came out to gang up on me?
No. I heard you were
a terrific dancer.
- Did he say that?
- Yeah.
His heart's all right now?
I think it's getting better
every day.
He's right.
You're a great dancer.
I'd be better if you
let me lead once in a while.
Abbie, let's dance.
No, it's way too much fun.
It's great cardiovascular.
Now don't you feel
like you're in Mexico?
No.
Nurse?
Another round for my men.
Make sure that you give me
all the checks.
I don't want you to lose them.
What are you talking about?
I'm so happy that I lived
to see your bar mitzvah.
I'm very proud of you, Abbie.
Thank you.
I think we should go.
I'm getting tired.
No, no, no.
Know what I feel like now?
I feel like doing a hora.
This doesn't
look like a hora crowd.
What's a bar mitzvah
without a hora?
I think he's right, Abe.
I can't do another dance,
I'm sure.
Hora's not a dance.
It's a tradition.
Maestro!
Havah nagilah.
Gracias. Have a tequila!
Hold it, hold it.
How do you do?
- What is your name?
- Jose.
Now... follow me.
Ha-vah-na-gi-lah.
Hav-a-te-qui-la.
Nothing to do with tequila.
I know exactly what you want.
Can I borrow your trumpet?
That's for Lisa McConnell
and the gang at the morgue.
You've been practicing.
Follow me.
Abe, I don't know how!
Come on!
Come on, let's go!
If he'd have
listened to me...
he could have been
another Harry James!
All right. Guess who.
Cyd Charisse, "Band Wagon."
No. Do it again.
Stewart Granger
in "Scaramouche."
Wait, I've got one.
I've got one. Don't laugh.
"If only I wasn't
in this chair, Jane."
"But you are, Blanche!"
Bette Davis, "Whatever
Happened to Baby Jane?"
Bette Davis and Joan Crawford.
I did both parts.
- Dual roles.
- All right, I got one.
"You want me
to hold the chicken?"
What is this?
Is this a foreign movie?
"You want me
to hold the chicken?"
It's the waitress
in "Five Easy Pieces."
Remember the order?
Then Jack Nicholson says...
"Yeah, between your knees."
Remember?
"The loneliest feeling
in the world...
"is to be standing up...
"when everybody else
is sitting down...
"to have everybody
around you say...
"to have everybody...
"to have everybody
around you say..."
Wait...
It's what's-his-name.
He's not playing the game.
"To..." What?
It's just me.
"And everybody
looks at him and says...
'What's the matter with him?'"
I know.
"I know what it's like
walking down an empty street...
"listening to the sound
of your own footsteps.
"Shutters closed,
blinds drawn...
"doors locked against you.
"And you aren't sure...
"whether you're walking
toward something...
"or just walking away."
Paul Muni.
"Inherit the Wind."
That was good, Pop.
It was really, really good.
I hate hospitals.
How could you stand it?
You could catch something.
You got a connection here?
The chief of staff is
an old professor of mine.
He's doing us a very big favor.
Just relax.
Everything is gonna be OK.
Put this on.
Name? I know your name.
- Date of birth?
- Before your time.
Date of birth is December...
March 14, 1925.
We always celebrated it
in December.
So I lied. I liked a lot
of gifts for Christmas.
Have you ever had...
No, I never had anything.
I never even had my own room
until I got divorced.
How do I look?
Try to imagine this
with jewelry.
Would you get
on the scale, please?
Why are you walking
like that in here?
It prevents athlete's feet.
Of course.
Why are these things
always so cold?
Come on, get up. 5'9".
I'm shrinking.
By the time I die...
you can bury me in a shoe box.
What's the difference?
I didn't come here for a suit.
I came for a physical.
- Fill this up.
- With what?
Just fill it up.
- Are you OK?
- No.
I can't get the lid
off the goddamn bottle.
Very funny.
Try it again. Thank you.
I can't perform in here.
Try running the water.
Thank you.
I'll give you 500
for a cigarette, kiddo.
You can't move.
It's hard for me to do stills.
I'm a motion picture actor.
Just relax.
Won't you come home,
Bill Bailey?
Won't you come home?
She moans the whole day long
I'll do the dishes, darlin'
I'll pay the rent
My mother used
to sing that to me.
You didn't know
your grandmother, did you?
You would've loved her.
She was always singing.
My father was always miserable.
Broke his ass for 40 years
in a sweatshop.
All he ever
wanted out of life...
was a sewing machine
by the window.
I never heard him laugh.
This won't hurt at all...
but you really
have to be still now.
I'll do the dishes
And I'll pay the rent
OK, Pop, go home.
Go home?
You touch this,
you touch that...
you've seen parts of me
I haven't even seen...
and all you can tell me
is "Go home"?
I'll wait for the results
of your test.
They're rushing them..
I don't like rushing.
Rushing makes me nervous.
Don't be nervous.
On your way home,
get me a sandwich.
An Eddie Cantor.
You hear me?
I hear you. An Eddie Cantor.
Thank you.
We're the sentimental
gentlemen of song
How do you do?
In case I burn my pants!
- It's very funny.
- Ed Wynn!
I want you to know,
you doctors play rough.
My ass looks like
a miniature golf course.
- Where's Lisa?
- At the hotel.
She said give her a call.
Did you bring what I asked?
Yeah.
An Eddie Cantor?
This is not an Eddie Cantor.
This is a Georgie Jessel.
What's the difference?
An Eddie Cantor's
a meal in itself.
Jessel... an Ethiopian
wouldn't eat this.
I made a mistake.
Just eat the damn thing.
All right, I'll eat it.
At least
you got the pickles right.
I failed the test, right?
You have a blister...
on a blood vessel in your brain.
It's like what happens
to an inner tube...
when it starts to burst.
Why don't I feel anything?
You do, actually...
the headaches...
these speeches that
you suddenly remember...
it's all part of it.
It's called an aneurysm.
Good word for Scrabble.
Probably has
double letters in it.
What do we do for it?
It's in a portion of your brain
known as the Circle of Willis.
We can't get to it surgically.
So what you're saying is,
don't buy green bananas.
I can't do anything.
How long?
I don't know.
Come on.
An hour, a day, a week,
a month?
There is no way to know.
What's gonna happen?
The headaches will continue,
but there's medication for that.
And these episodes...
How did you say it at the set?
You lost your geography?
What's gonna happen
if I get lost?
I'll be here.
That's good.
I never had
my name in "Variety."
Probably now,
it'll be on page nine.
A little box.
"Abraham Polin, 63. Movie extra
"19th man to yell,
'I'm Spartacus!"
I guess I'll get some sleep.
I'll see you tomorrow?
Why do you say it like that?
Because you won't tell me
how long.
If this is it, I'll stay up.
Maybe there's a good movie
on the late show.
Dad.
Come on, kid, don't worry.
It's not your fault.
Things like this happen
with fathers.
I'm mad.
I know.
I really wanted an Eddie Cantor.
Maybe I shouldn't have told him.
He's your patient.
He has a right to know.
I should have been
a dermatologist.
You'd be a lousy one.
There are 300 skin diseases
and two creams.
Where's the challenge?
This whole thing
could've been avoided.
You see how he lives.
He takes better care...
of his goddamn car
than he does himself.
Damn it,
I feel like his father.
Don't.
Feel like his son.
- Abe?
- Breakfast!
I have some tacos here.
Abbie!
What the hell are you doing?
Rehearsing!
How could you do that?
That is not funny.
Think it's easy laying there,
playing dead?
Open your eyes and don't blink?
That's dying!
Let me show you something
about dying.
I've been thinking.
Watch. Who's this?
Dustin Hoffman
in "Midnight Cowboy!"
He died all the way to Florida!
Every actor loves a death scene.
Let me set the scene.
Christian, you'll enjoy this.
Stay right over here.
The man knows he's dying...
but he don't know when.
So he decides to come
into the kitchen...
have a coffee,
and read the trades.
All of a sudden,
a dizzy spell overtakes him.
Beads of perspiration
dot his forehead.
He grabs...
He thinks this is it.
He decides to give up smoking.
He has only one thought
in his mind.
He must get to the phone
to reach his son.
He must speak to his son...
who is out God knows where
shtupping some Catholic girl.
The first pain hits him.
You will notice that
the picture is slightly askew.
He desperately
fights across the room...
holding on with every bit
of strength he can muster.
He starts to fall again.
He clings!
He fights his way
across the room...
he falls to the floor,
crawling, scratching.
The morning sun
touches his face.
He realizes there'll be
no more mornings.
He reaches...
Coupons he was saving
to buy his son a hair dryer.
With his last ounce
of strength...
he reaches the phone.
He dials desperately...
but it is too late!
The death rattle.
The number you have reached
is not a working number.
Perfect! Pretty good?
It was very good.
- Go get dressed.
- Where we going?
I made a list
of all of the things...
that we never
had a chance to do.
What are you talking...
Just go get dressed.
I'll tell you...
what I want to do,
and you'll get us there.
All right.
He's very good.
He's very crazy.
True.
Come on!
I'm getting saddle sore.
This was a great idea.
I love this.
They like me, I think.
Hello.
He kisses like Aunt Sophie.
Look.
I got one! I got one!
I've never seen
anything like it.
It's a feeding frenzy.
Come on, boys.
Come on, boys, eat.
The fish in Europe are starving.
I can't believe
I haven't gotten one yet.
It's all in the wrist, Abbie.
I got a hot pole. Take mine.
I got another one!
Could you please not do that?
I'm gonna go over here
and fish by myself...
and you two can catch
every fish that's left.
Thank you.
Just gonna go over here.
You must concentrate.
I didn't put any bait
on his hook.
You catch all of those yourself?
- Yes.
- That's great.
I got to go back to work.
I understand.
Stay here.
I got to do this.
It's OK. Stay right here.
It's OK!
Passing on the left!
- Come on!
- I'm going as fast as I can!
Let's go for the burn!
Excuse me, ma'am.
I'm going into hyperspace!
I don't want you to go.
I have to.
My patients need me.
What am I gonna do without you?
You'll do fine.
I love you, Christian.
I love you, Jewish.
I'll miss you, Abe.
I'll miss me.
Nice exit.
You know what you need?
A sequel.
A speaking part.
What are you talking about?
I don't know.
I'm not sure yet.
Do you know anybody at
Jenny Lynn Productions?
They're casting a movie, too.
Abbie, please.
Sure you don't want this?
I only wore it once.
Once is plenty for that.
It's nice for the summer.
I'm sending some things over
to the Motion Picture Home.
It's tough staying warm
when you're retired.
Do you know a producer
named Phil Mitchell?
Producer Phil Mitchell?
Started with me 30 years ago.
He was the world's worst extra.
He's producing a movie,
and they need...
all different kinds
of character types.
Right here.
Let's give him a call.
"Agent submission only."
I don't have an agent.
They all say
"Agent submission only."
How do you get an agent?
You got to get a part.
- How do you get a part?
- Get an agent.
Don't ask me the next question.
It's 30 years,
and I still don't understand it.
Who's a really big agent?
Buddy Haverman,
the biggest, ICM. Powerful.
He once said to Sinatra,
"You want to hold it down?
"I'm eating!" That's big.
What are you doing?
Don't mix up my life.
Trust me.
Hi. May I help you?
I'm Les Schecter from
Buddy Haverman's office.
We have an appointment
for Mr. Abraham Polin.
Yes. A Mr. Polin.
You do? Of course you do.
Excuse me. Just a second.
Abe, don't be so impatient.
I spoke to Dominic.
He'll hold a booth for us.
Here you go. Pages 81a, 81b.
Fart of Eric.
Thank you. Nice typing.
What are you doing?
Maybe it's the wrong time.
I haven't had any sun lately.
Come on.
Tell her I have a headache.
Listen to me.
What is the worst thing
that can happen?
I'll be discovered.
No, no, no.
You're an actor.
You can do this.
You are Eric.
Now, come on.
Go in there,
and you break a leg.
I'll mend it.
I'll call you from the car.
Ciao.
Chad?
Chad Hunter?
This way.
Surf was very rough today,
wasn't it?
Sit down.
I'll be with you in a minute.
Mr. Folin?
You look surprised.
I've always looked like this.
Excuse me. I was expecting
somebody younger or different.
I hope I didn't embarrass you.
If you think
my face is embarrassing...
you should see my body.
Please, sit down.
You look familiar, Abe.
Have we worked together before?
We're in the same business.
Tell me a little bit
about yourself.
I'm 22. I'm from New York.
I studied with Oeter...
and I'm having trouble
adjusting to California.
Now tell me about you.
I'm 35.
I've worked summer stock...
regional theater,
off-Broadway-
Yo, Abe.
I'm 63 years old...
I'm making a complete
schmuck out of myself...
and I think
it's time that I left.
No, don't go. Please.
Really,
I'm glad you came in.
It's actually quite
refreshing to find...
an older leading-man type with
a sense of humor about himself.
Did I mention I was dying?
Don't be so hard on yourself.
You're very charming, Abe.
Would you like something?
No, thank you. I'm walking.
I can't get over it.
You look so familiar.
What movies have I seen you in?
I made many.
Too numerous to mention.
Try.
Let's say I...
lost the best years
of our lives...
I harvested
the grapes of wrath...
and I inherited the wind.
Come over here, Abe.
I'm an actor.
You want somebody to cheer,
I'll cheer.
You want somebody to laugh,
I'll be hysterical.
You want somebody to cry...
Believe me,
I know about crying.
I can be anybody you want.
Here's a funny story
I hope you understand
Listen very closely
if you possibly can
Dad, don't do this.
Just tell us what happened.
I charmed the pants off her.
And?
Too pooped to pop
I ain't lyin'
Please just tell me
what happened.
Ten lines of dialogue.
What?
Double scale!
Oh, Abe!
You got the job?
I start tomorrow morning
at 6:00.
- A toast!
- Hear, hear.
To my son.
Not only a wonderful doctor...
and a wonderful agent...
he's also paying for
the whole party tonight!
Where are you taking me?
This is a special occasion.
This is a great day.
I have a surprise for you.
What do you got here,
a firing squad?
Right here. Here we go.
- What?
- This.
Come on.
We're starting a new tradition.
You're crazier
than your so-called mother.
This is for the extras,
and who better...
to start this than you,
the king of the extras?
We'll get arrested!
Not if you hurry up!
Come on!
There it is... Gable's hands...
Monroe's feet,
and Abe Polin's ass.
Give me the towel
before it heals.
- Come on.
- No, no, no.
You've got to sign it.
Let's get out of here.
Let's do this one last time...
and then I have to get
some sleep.
"Eric the maitre d'
approaches the table."
"Good evening,
Mr. and Mrs. Belson."
"Nice to see you again, Eric."
"Would you like to know
about the specials tonight?
"We have a lovely
Saddleview veal au jus.
"We have the fresh
catch of the sea"
Hold it, please.
All you say is...
"Would you like
to see the menu, sir?"
Actors don't
pay attention to words.
You make the part important,
make it your own.
"How about a nice flounder?"
"Would you like
to see the menu, sir?"
You see? if I didn't
divorce your mother...
we wouldn't be spending
this quality time together.
I'm going to sleep.
No, no, wait.
I got to get a couple
of things off my chest...
in case we get separated
in the crowd.
What is it?
It's no big news to know
I wasn't a great father.
Let's say I was miscast.
But I want you to do me
a big favor.
Sure.
I love you, kid...
but I want you to go home.
Why?
You're waiting around
for this thing to happen.
The pressure's killing me!
I want you to go.
I'm not going anywhere.
I know you for 37 years,
and we just met.
And you want to put me
on a train again?
No, no. But this time...
you can get off
anyplace you want.
If I was you,
I'd get off in New York.
I'd marry the Christian doctor.
Have a baby and name him after
somebody who recently died.
That's a deal...
but I'm not going anywhere...
except to bed.
You go to sleep.
I have a small question,
a professional opinion.
OK.
And don't be my son now.
Be my doctor.
All right.
What do you think the odds are
of my dying on a weekend?
Call your bookmaker.
I don't know.
This is very important!
If I die during the week,
nobody'll come to my funeral.
Everybody's working.
Why worry about this?
When you're my age,
you worry about two things.
One, you're with a woman
and she says...
"Let's do it again right now"...
and the other is,
"Who'll come to my funeral?"
You have a million friends.
I know a lot of people.
It's different.
My father worked in that shop
for 40 years.
Nobody came to his funeral.
But that was him,
and you're you...
and you have
a 6:30 call tomorrow.
"Would you like
to see the menu, sir?"
You're gonna be great.
May I have the envelope,
please?
Can I have Stage 10, please?
Thank you.
Hello,
I'm calling for Abe Polin.
I know he's late...
and he's very, very sorry
about that...
but Mr. Polin will not
be able to come in today.
Thank you.
Now is the time to go to sleep.
Time to slip away.
Time to say sweet dreams to
the things that I loved today.
Sweet dreams to the stars.
Sweet dreams to the breeze.
Sweet dreams
to bellybuttons that go in...
and bellybuttons that go out.
Sweet dreams to all
the tushies in the world.
The little ones
and the big fat ones...
like the waitress
at the bowling alley.
Sweet dreams.
Dr. Folin?
They're taking Mrs. Petrakis
into surgery.
- Has she been prepped?
- No, she hasn't.
And go!
Did you call Dr. Sherman?
- He's on his way.
- Great.
Wait! Whoa!
Race you.
You come here often?
Am I going to die?
Are you kidding?
Nobody's going to die,
Mrs. Petrakis.
I'll clean all of the baklava
out of your arteries.
This is the late show.
I do my best work.
Anesthetic, please.
Mrs. Fetrakis...
I'd like you to click
your heels three times...
and when you wake up,
you'll be back in Kansas.
Kansas?
Scalpel. Forceps.
Sponge. So, Carol...
how was your date
with Bigfoot last night?
He paid for the movie,
but I paid for dinner.
You're with the wrong guy.
I need more retraction here.
Let me get a retractor.
Boy, I can't get this...
She's hemorrhaging. Clamp.
I thought that would happen.
Suture.
I can't stop this bleeding.
I should be better at this.
My grandfather was a tailor.
Maybe a 6-0 would work.
I'd use a staple gun
if I could.
Clamp.
I'm getting an irregular
heart rate... a fibrillation.
Heart rate and rhythm
are normal, Doctor.
Constriction
in the chest cavity.
Breathing is labored. Clamp.
Respiration normal, Doctor.
God, this hurts.
Abbie, she's under.
Almost got
this bleeding controlled.
Clamp.
Loss of feeling in the left arm.
Carol, don't go to the Bahamas.
Give me another clamp,
please.
Bleeding is controlled.
Dr. Sherman,
would you be so kind?
Abbie, what's going on?
I'm having a heart attack.
Dr. Polin!
Get me a gurney and
a bed in ICU immediately.
I need a blanket and a pillow.
I'm going to need oxygen
at four liters.
How's the patient?
She lost a lot of blood.
No problem here.
Check my pulse, please.
Ninety-eight
and slightly irregular.
- Not too bad, Abbie.
- For a duck.
Scotty, get me an I.V.
Lidocaine with a push.
Hi, boys.
One, two, three.
I'm going to buy you all
something big.
Don't fight it, Abbie.
I'm afraid to go to sleep.
I'll get a hammer.
Dad, I'm afraid to go to sleep.
Why are you afraid
to go to sleep?
What if I never wake up?
Then there'll be more for me
for breakfast.
Daddy, read to me...
the dreams book.
No. When you can read,
you read the dreams book.
But it's my favorite.
All right,
but it's not my favorite.
OK. The dreams book.
"Sweet dreams to my fingers.
"Sweet dreams to my knees.
"Sweet dreams to bellybuttons
that go in and out.
"Sweet dreams to all the little
tushies in the world."
The big ones, too, like the
waitress in the bowling alley.
That's not the way it goes.
This is kid's stuff.
You want something
you can put your teeth into?
"Inherit the Wind."
Oh, no, not again.
"It's the loneliest
feeling in the world...
"to find yourself
standing up...
"when everyone else
is sitting down.
"To have everybody
look at you and say...
'What's the matter with him?'
That's very good, Dad.
Paul Muni, kiddo.
"I know what it feels like
to walk down an empty street...
"to hear the sound
of your own footsteps.
"Shutters closed,
blinds drawn...
"doors closed against you."
I'm asleep, Daddy, really.
"And you don't know
whether you're walking...
"towards something
or just walking away."
But it's very important
that she doesn't miss...
her physical therapy sessions.
Good-bye, Matilda.
I checked you out.
How are you doing?
Abbie?
I can hear!
Very funny.
You're a funny guy.
Let's get out of here.
Thank God I'm out of here.
I have such weird dreams.
That's understandable.
Let's get a cab.
No, no, no.
I really want to walk.
You're going to like it.
Look.
I'll lean on you,
and you just lean on me.
- Is this good for you?
- This is great.
We're a semicolon walking home.
- Have to have my pretzel.
- Salt!
Thank you.
Salt now.
- I was not ready for this.
- Who is?
I'm a heart surgeon,
for Christ's sake.
I should have seen it coming.
Even the Indians
warned Custer...
"Don't come over today.
We're a little cranky."
You had plenty of warning.
You work like a maniac.
You were so busy
being the doctor...
the patient almost died.
You're lucky it wasn't
more serious this time.
Why can't you be straight
with me?
What are you
so pissed-off about?
I don't want to lose you.
You were so cute.
Nice hands, Doctor.
I still wear that outfit.
Look at me.
This is great.
I couldn't catch a ball.
It's hard to catch
with your face.
I had the word "Spalding"
written on my forehead...
until I was about six.
Oh, my God.
Now I see why
you always lock the door.
- Who took these?
- My father.
Your mother's loving this, too.
How old were you
when they broke up?
Seven. My favorite toy
was a suitcase.
Mine was
my father's stethoscope.
Speaking of which...
it's still ticking!
I didn't even realize
this was on here.
What's this?
This is Music Night, PS 74.
You don't want to see this.
Wait, wait, wait.
No, no. Abbie.
- Are you wearing a tuxedo?
- Yes.
You look like
the world's smallest maitre d'.
He made me wear that.
He wanted me to be a bandleader,
like Harry James.
"Kid, it's a great job.
"You wear a black tuxedo,
a white carnation.
"You can fuck Betty Grable."
I wish you would play for me.
I can't.
And that's another reason.
You want some tea?
You never talk about
your father.
When did he die?
He's not dead.
What? He's alive?
Wait a minute.
Your father is alive?
I haven't checked lately,
but he's alive. So what?
So what?
You told me he was dead.
Why would I do that?
Come on, Abbie.
Every time
I'd ask you about him...
you'd shrug.
I assumed that meant...
You take
my shrugs too seriously.
Come on.
Really? He's alive?
- Where is he?
- He lives in Los Angeles.
What does he do?
He's a professional
embarrassment.
How come you
never talk about him?
There's nothing to say.
Welcome home, Lisa.
The turtle is back in his shell.
Some things are personal.
Personal? Wait a minute.
For three years,
I assume your father's dead.
Now I find out he's alive.
That's personal.
Abbie, this is scaring me.
What else have you not told me?
I'm a transvestite
on the weekends.
I knew that. No, I mean it.
Answer the question.
Let's just save this
for a rainy day.
My heart has done the mambo...
and it was not on
my list of things to do.
We can't forget the list.
Sorry.
I've spent a lot of time
wondering...
where I fit on that list.
Right near the top.
You know why we broke up?
Because you're
always hiding from me.
Hello?
We could have a great time
together, Abbie.
Why don't you join me?
I have this patient-a boy...
He's 12. He's terminal,
and he's amazing.
He tells me something new
every day.
He tells me everything.
He's a kid, and he's scared.
You want a mirror?
So, what did your father do?
Did he beat you?
Do you know what it's like...
to go to a father and son
dinner with my mother?
With Sylvia Polin
in a fox stole?
She brought cake.
How come you dream about him?
I don't know. It was a fluke.
It must have been the I.V.
Have you ever thought
that maybe you love him?
No.
No?
You're a tough piece.
You are great in bed...
but then you don't know
how to hold my hand.
Did you come back
because I got sick?
No.
When you find a decent,
witty, straight turtle...
with great potential,
not to mention a fine ass...
you do everything you can
to make it work...
but it's really tiring
trying to do it alone.
I've got rounds.
Abbie! Yo, Abbie, hey!
Come on, wave!
Do something.
This is a moving picture.
Do something funny.
Come on.
Guess who.
Sanctuary! Sanctuary!
Charles Laughton,
"The Hunchback of Notre Dame."
Aunt Sophie.
Perfect..and cut.
Dr. Livingstone, I presume.
I'm going to be late
getting back to work.
I'll probably get fired.
I'll spend my most
productive years...
waiting for
unemployment checks.
I could have taken a cab.
Don't be silly.
Why are you staring at me?
You look different.
What'd you do,
get a haircut or something?
Around three years ago.
How's a hotshot doctor get
time off to visit his old man?
I told you on the phone.
I had a little
bit of time off...
and I have a lot
of friends out here...
and I wanted some sun.
You couldn't have come
at a worse time.
I'm busy as hell.
Don't worry.
I won't stay that long.
Was it something I said?
Polin, lunch was an hour.
You can't keep doing this.
I overdid it at the salad bar.
I was afraid to drive.
Get a job.
I'm surrounded by assassins.
- Freddie?
- Yeah?
Do me a big favor?
Punch me up on the monitor.
I appreciate it.
In case anybody is interested,
I brought my own family doctor.
Abbie, do me a favor.
Help me raise the bed.
How's your so-called mother?
Seen her lately?
She came to visit me
about two weeks ago.
She moved to Vermont.
Hold it! Vermont?
A woman her age is supposed
to live in Florida.
Who moves to Vermont?
She likes the cold.
She should. She invented it.
Extras, places right away.
Abe, there's an ugly rumor
going around...
that they're
letting people go today.
I warned you... never play a coma.
It's deadly.
Comas are the first to go
when they lay off.
What should I do?
Come out of your coma.
Thanks.
Vermont.
Your so-called mother's crazy.
She was always crazy.
That's why I divorced her.
She said she divorced you.
That's how crazy she is.
How do I look, Doctor?
Don't you feel like a putz?
Where else could you lay
around all day and get paid?
Would you please clear the set?
Abbie, stand by the monitor.
Watch me. You'll enjoy it.
First scene, first position.
Background.
You are very sick.
Pick a disease-a quiet one.
I need this bed clear.
I'm feeling much better.
No. You don't
come out of your coma.
You're dead.
You're history. Let's go.
Very quiet, please.
On the bell.
And in five, four, three, two.
Have you checked him?
Why not?
Oh, my God.
I hope he doesn't recognize me.
How could you sleep with
your own grandfather?
Well, I didn't know.
Wait a minute! Abbie!
When did you start to like sun?
What are you
really doing out here?
Stop tape.
Who the hell's talking?
Hal, come on.
We can't work like this.
I thought I heard a noise
coming from this bed.
It was me.
I picked malaria.
I was delirious.
Back to one.
Come on, people.
Please, help me out here.
Second bell.
Tape is rolling.
And in five, four, three, two.
Here's a funny story
I hope you understand
Listen very closely
if you possibly can
The story of two popcorn
kernels in a red-hot pan
One turned to the other
and said, "Hey, man"
"I'm too pooped to pop"
"Ain't playin' possum"
"Too pooped to pop"
"And I do want to blossom"
"Don't like the bottom"
"Want to get up on top"
"It seems like I'm just
too pooped to pop"
"Now, I'm too pooped to pop,
and I ain't lyin""
"Too pooped to pop,
just layin' there fryin""
"Salt and butter's ready,
and the fire is hot"
"Seems like I'm
just too pooped to pop"
Oh, yeah
Yeah!
No applause.
Just throw money.
How you doing?
Good, good.
Abbie, have a drink.
This is fine.
Come on. Have a taste.
I'll have an Absolut
on the rocks.
Absolutely. Give me one.
You can't fly on one wing, kid.
Am I going
to see you Wednesday?
I'll give you a call.
My kid's in town.
See that you do.
And now, for all the lovers
in the room...
I usually play by ear.
You're a pretty popular girl.
These are my people.
Extras are the real Hollywood.
You won't see our names
in the credit...
not above the title
or below the title.
We think of ourselves
as behind the title.
See the fat guy over there...
with the square head,
looks like a bottle of cologne?
- Yeah.
- He's a legend.
He invented the courtroom walla.
He's that famous?
You know how in every courtroom
scene the guy confesses...
and there's a murmur
goes through the courtroom?
That's the walla,
and that's Stan Cantor...
the great man who invented it.
Watch this.
Hey, Stan!
Isn't it true you had sexual
intercourse with Alison Weatley?
They got the Brody kid
over in the jailhouse.
Hang him, I say!
Let's hang him!
Hang him!
I say that, too.
Watch this one.
Pardon me.
How's your hay fever?
I love it when you do that.
Thanks.
We're all specialists, kid.
Just like you.
What's your specialty, Abe?
Me? I'm a face in a crowd.
Let's talk turkey.
Why did you
really come out here?
I've been under
a lot of pressure lately.
You want my advice?
Sleep on it.
Thank you very much.
Have you tried taking showers?
I get my best ideas
in the shower.
Please listen to me.
I got a better one.
Take off your socks,
put on your socks.
Einstein figured out the whole
universe putting on his socks.
I had a heart attack.
You hold that thought.
Last Call.
I'll see if he's here.
Dr. Folin? Telephone.
Dr. Folin?
Are you sure
they said Dr. Folin?
Yeah, Dr. Polin.
Hello. This is Dr. Polin.
When did it happen?
Where the hell are you?
This is a toll call.
You want to just hit
the highlights?
What the hell
is the matter with you?
I caught you at a bad time?
Listen,
while you're calming down...
if you want to talk to me,
I'm at 555-4379...
and while
you're thinking it over...
I want you to know
it's not my fault.
Get down here and talk to me.
When the hell did it happen?
Six weeks ago!
Six weeks? Six weeks?
And you wait
till now to tell me?
What am I,
a passing acquaintance?
How am I supposed to feel?
This isn't about you...
Excuse me.
Abe, your call did it.
I got the job.
Two weeks guaranteed.
Isn't that good news, Abbie?
I'm so nervous.
I haven't worked in months.
Come on. Angels don't cry.
She needed my help.
I pulled a few strings.
Shit.
Five years, you don't see me.
Then you waltz out here
without a warning...
and you hit me
with heart attack.
What am I chasing you for?
Where are you going?
How can a city this big
have no cabs?
Will you listen to me?
Do you know you embarrassed me
in front of my friends?
My heart attack embarrassed you?
What did I say?
I'm going to the hotel.
You were better on the phone.
Taxi! Taxi!
Hi. It's me.
It's a little bit
after midnight for you...
which makes it 1958 out here.
Just called to say I'm fine.
Everything went great.
My dad was
really happy to see me...
and we're actually going
to a baseball game tomorrow.
Otherwise, I feel good.
I'm just a little bit tired,
that's all.
Your voice sounded really sexy
on your answering machine.
Well, enough of that.
I'm not allowed
to get crazy, am I?
This is your weary traveler
saying good night.
- Who is it?
- Room service.
I didn't order any room service.
Complimentary fruit
for Dr. Polin.
Say you're shtupping
some girl in here...
and you have
another heart attack...
and she robs you
and leaves you there...
and you can't get
to the phone for help.
What do you want?
Will you stay with me, kiddo?
This trip was a really bad idea.
It was lovely seeing you,
but I'm going home tomorrow.
Going home?
We got off to a bad start.
We always
get off to a bad start.
Will you do it for me?
It's pointless.
I'm your father, and I'm asking.
Don't you ever feel like a putz
in those costumes?
Putz?
I never feel like a putz.
I've lived a thousand
different lives...
in a thousand different
places, kid.
Great. When was the last time
you opened a window?
"Towering Inferno."
Steve McQueen
needed a little help.
Hey, hey.
You gonna stay here with me?
Watch it. Nobody tells
Abe Polin how to live.
You still have
the old chair from Herkland.
We watched Johnny Partridge beat
the Yankees from that chair.
That's the only thing I took
with me after the divorce.
I left your mother
everything else...
including the rumors.
Let me show you something.
You see that?
When I die,
make a mold of that imprint...
and put it in front of
the Chinese Theater.
Gable's feet, Monroe's hands,
and Abe Polin's ass.
I'll write that down.
This is
an interesting collage.
I couldn't find a picture
of us, so I taped me in.
You'd never know.
I did a good job.
You want a beer?
Got a pill to take?
No. I'm going to turn in.
To what?
- Hey, Abe.
- What?
Which is my bed?
What's the difference?
Take your pick.
I don't want to sleep
in your bed.
A bed is a bed is a bed.
It looks like you
picked out a bed. Take it.
I got an early call
at the studio tomorrow.
Want to come with me?
You said if I stayed here
you'd take some time off.
Did I say that?
This is a very important job.
Could be the big one.
Big one?
But you're an extra.
Didn't you want to be an actor?
I am an actor.
But it's not really acting.
Anybody can do what you do.
You stand behind the actors.
I could have had
a hundred speaking parts.
I don't know how many times
a director has said...
"Abe, read for a part."
Why haven't you?
Because
I won't take just anything.
There's an alt
to being incidental.
You know how good I am?
I laid in that hospital bed
every day...
for two months
on that soap opera.
People all over the country
sent me "Get well" cards.
I'm not an extra.
I'm the king of the extras.
Good night, Abe.
Good night.
Any schmuck
can get a speaking part.
Must have scared
the hell out of you, huh?
I thought I was immortal.
It's like old times...
just you and me
talking about our problems.
We never talked about anything.
Why bring up problems?
What's the matter?
You're in my bed.
Thank you.
Hi.
People, hold it down.
Want to finish that conversation
on your own time?
A couple of things.
Number one,
use the phones outside.
Don't use
the phones on the stage.
They're for the actors only.
That's the good news.
The bad news is that
we don't need all of you.
You're breaking my heart.
Let's just count out the 20...
and the rest of you can go home.
Go ahead.
- Go ahead, what?
- Start counting.
I don't count. I'm an actor.
He's an actor.
Start counting or get lost.
One.
What did you say?
Two, three...
four, five, six, seven...
eight...
- Who is it?
- Dr. Polin, telegram.
Abbie Folin?
This is your Celebrity
Impressions Tapping Telegram!
Well, hello, you old poop
I just came to get the scoop
To see if you're behaving
like you should
You know what I mean?
Are you watching your aorta
And doing what you oughta?
'Cause doctors
who are sick ain't very good
Yes
Thanks very much.
Are you in show business?
No, I'm a doctor.
For one of the studios?
No. I'm sorry.
Here's a picture anyway.
You never know. Call me.
Who sent you?
Direct from the Big Apple,
Dr. Lisa McConnell!
I was in the neighborhood.
Holy shit.
"You're so romantic,"
she said...
as he swept her into his arms
and carried her off to his bed.
Did I say holy shit?
You've got to stop
threatening to love me.
What the hell
are you doing here?
I was sitting home
listening to my messages...
and all of the sudden,
here's your lonely voice...
saying everything's fine...
you and dad
went to a baseball game.
Schmuck, there's
no baseball in January.
How about asking me in?
This is a 3,000-mile house call.
Yeah, sure. Come in.
You don't seem
very happy to see me.
I'm surprised to see you,
that's all.
Hi.
Could you be a little less
emotional when you kiss me?
I'm perspiring.
How is it going?
I'm in a lot of trouble here.
That may be the most honest
thing you've ever said to me.
I was doing good.
I really was.
I was nervous,
but I was in control.
Then someplace between
baggage claim and the curb...
it got all screwed up.
I'm going to take a shower,
all right?
Make yourself at home.
Thank you.
Play it, Bill.
Excuse me. Sorry.
Can you tell me
where Stage 13 is?
At the end of the trailer,
to your right.
Thank you. Sorry.
That's pretty good.
Try it again.
Let me get this straight
before I meet him.
He's either an actor,
or he isn't.
Exactly.
It's not stupid
to play broccoli.
I'm very sorry.
Excuse me.
No. I'm an actor.
I play many roles.
I am not a piece of meat.
I command respect.
If they catch me
using this phone...
they will kill me.
Excuse me, Miss Strawberry.
What's happening?
Can you tell me
where Abe Polin is?
Of course.
He's holding court
right on the set.
Thank you.
Abe, you got visitors!
Look out
for people wearing bibs.
This is a really good
friend of mine.
Dr. Lisa McConnell,
this is my father.
It's such a pleasure
to meet you.
I've heard so much about you.
I'm glad you came, Doctor.
Maybe you can tell me
what's wrong with my hand.
It's been like this for a month.
Have you tried soaking it
in melted butter?
We got a winner here!
Anything off the top shelf,
sweetheart.
Don't you feel like a putz?
When was the last time
you were a lobster?
Are you from Hollywood, Doctor?
No. New York.
Really?
That's where I'm from.
Frozen fresh.
Lisa and I
are on staff together.
She's one of the best
pediatricians in New York.
Nice credit.
What is it?
You bored with me already?
You had to fly in visitors?
Tango, touchup!
Shut up. Get over here.
You remember my late son Abbie.
And this is one of only
three lady doctors...
in the world...
Christian O'Hara.
- Lisa McConnell.
- Nice to meet you.
Make it special.
It isn't every day
my son sees me crawl.
I'll make you look like
you just came out of the water.
Who does her skin remind you of?
Grace Kelly.
Skin like a baby's bottom.
Thank you.
I worked with Grace Kelly
in "To Catch a Thief."
Remember the ballroom scene?
I danced right by.
That's the first movie
I ever saw!
The State Theater,
Madison, Wisconsin.
That's nice.
Do me a favor, will you?
Rub the shell
right above my ear.
You really knew Grace Kelly?
Yes, I knew Grace Kelly.
That's it. Off you go.
Thanks, Tango.
Anybody calls...
tell them I'm in Maine
for the summer.
This thing weighs a ton.
I'd like to get some air.
What's the name of this picture?
"Surf and Turf."
Abe, is that you?
Sean, is that you?
You look very well.
$12 a pound, mate.
I must get back to work.
Good-bye.
That's Sean Connery!
I know.
He's from my old neighborhood.
You know Sean Connery?
I worked with
all the greatest...
Sean Connery,
Marlon Brando, Paul Newman.
I worked with Doris Day.
I used to walk her cat.
You stay right over here,
sweetheart.
You can see everything.
Can we have all atmosphere
in place right away?
First team.
Anybody bothers you,
tell them you're with Abe.
Excuse me.
He's very charming.
Isn't he?
Bosco, you OK in there?
Can you see
where you're going?
- Yeah.
- Right over here.
Fruits and vegetables,
stay together.
You shellfish,
you can spread out...
but remember, this is
your first time on land.
You're panicked.
You can only think
of one thing...
you want revenge!
Is everybody ready?
Max, are you ready?
- Yes, I'm ready.
- Max is ready. I'm ready.
You're ready.
Let's make this thing.
This is picture.
Put us on a bell, please.
- Marker.
- Action!
Fruits and vegetables, go!
Shellfish!
Carol! Tommy!
The loneliest feeling
in the world...
is to be standing up...
when everybody else
is sitting down...
To have everybody say,
"What's the matter with him?"
He has a part.
I know..
I know what it's like to
walk down an empty street...
and hear the sound
of your own footsteps.
He must be drunk.
You want to get him off the set?
Cut! Cut!
You aren't sure if you are
walking toward something...
or just walking away.
Would somebody get rid
of the lobster, please?
Is there a nurse on the set?
I'm a doctor.
- What are you doing?
- Nothing.
Are you all right?
Of course I'm all right.
Then come down here, please.
Give us a second, please.
Thank you.
I haven't said that speech
in 30 years.
I know.
What's the matter? You never
saw a lobster talk before?
I'm fine. I'm OK.
Right here.
Will you stop carrying on?
I just lost my geography.
For a second there,
I thought I was someplace else.
Has this ever happened
before, Abe?
No. Once in a while...
I recite The Gettysburg Address,
but that's for practice.
Look up.
No dizziness?
No sudden blackouts?
You're the doctor.
You tell me.
Do this.
His coordination is fine.
Maybe it was dehydration.
It must've been hot as hell
in that costume.
What did you have
to eat and drink today?
The usual...
a taco, a couple of beers.
And this is a good idea.
You don't take care of yourself.
Look who's talking,
Mr. Chest Pains.
When was the last time
you had a physical, Abe?
When I needed one.
Now, please...
Al, you know Dr. and Mrs. Welby.
What the hell happened?
I faked it.
You do something crazy,
it gets in the movie.
You are a sick puppy.
This is where
it all happens, kid.
Magic time.
You see that?
Moses parted
the Red Sea right there.
Right there in that parking lot?
It's a water tank.
Cecil B. De Mille's
"The Ten Commandments."
It was my first flick.
I played a goat herder.
I almost didn't make it through.
That's amazing.
Want a bite?
Why bother eating it?
Why not shove it directly
into your artery?
Biff is a moody man.
What do you see in the tush?
What has he got
that I ain't got?
Only younger.
To start with, more hair.
He was 11 years old.
I took him to Sugarman's
Turkish bath.
He didn't want to go in naked.
He was afraid that
everybody would laugh...
when they'd see that he didn't
have any hair on his...
I was afraid
they were going to laugh.
Is it such a big deal?
What the hell are you
bringing this up for?
- Anyway...
- Tell me about this tank.
I tried to explain to him.
You think these guys
never saw a little boy before?
It's natural. You grow up,
your body starts to change.
So I trust him, right?
I take off my clothes.
I hold his hand,
and we go inside.
- And then he yells...
- I said.
"Don't anybody laugh...
"because my son don't have
hair on his balls."
Was that so bad?
It's a funny story.
If you like that story,
you're gonna love this.
After he left us,
I would come out to see him.
And he was always busy working.
I was hot.
Can I tell my story, please?
After a couple of days...
he'd get bored with me.
And he'd send me
right back to my mother.
He'd put me on a train...
give the porter $12
and tell him...
"Don't let this kid get off
before New York."
I still get mail
from the porter.
I never gave the porter
less than $25.
He's always making up
these kind of stories.
Excuse me, boys.
Not that this isn't fun,
but I'm gonna look around.
Where are you going?
It's not important.
Where are you going?
I got to talk to you.
You're talking to
the wrong person.
You're both
very funny and charming.
But don't put me
in the middle of this.
It's too painful.
Want to know why you got sick?
I see him, I see you.
Wait a second.
Are you saying
that I'm like my father?
The man is a pit bull.
He can suck the oxygen
out of a room.
Yes, he's a tough case...
but you've never walked
away from one before.
Doctor.
She's still not at the hotel.
What are you worried about?
She probably went to the movies.
It's your fault.
Do you love her?
Leave me alone.
Was that too tough a question?
Why don't you do
what you do best?
Stay out of my life.
We're getting very personal.
Maybe I ought
to get to the phone.
Giants.
They were all giants.
These are gimmicks to get people
to come into a theater.
Gable is a gimmick?
Gary Cooper, a gimmick?
Humphrey Bogart was a gimmick?
Fonda, Charles Laughton...
Charles Boyer,
Edward G. Robinson...
They moved Paul Muni.
No, they didn't.
It's Jimmy Stewart.
It was always Jimmy Stewart.
You're telling me?
We always played that way.
I'll show you.
Fonda, Laughton, Boyer,
Robinson, Stewart. See?
They moved him!
No, they didn't!
You never listen to me!
What's to listen?
You're wrong.
Where are you running?
You're not supposed to run!
I'm a doctor.
Coming through, please.
Are you OK?
Stay there, please.
That guy's bleeding pretty bad
right over there.
It's OK. I'm a doctor.
Why don't you come into
my office right here?
Lie down. Good.
My name is Dr. Abbie Polin.
I'm from New York.
You ever been there?
Come on. Move it.
You've been in an accident.
Do you understand?
Does this hurt here?
Will you step back, please?
You have a compound fracture
of your left clavicle.
I don't do that kind of work.
We send it out to the shop.
What I'm going to do
is remove your tie...
which is a lovely fabric,
by the way...
and I'm sorry,
but I have to...
Step aside! Are you a doctor?
Yeah.
No, he's an electrician,
but he's good with his hands.
What are you, a wise guy?
Let him work.
Just step back.
Let him work, huh?
Step back.
Come on, everybody back.
You driving a Corvette?
What kind of mileage
do you get to that?
How you doing?
You're in my light.
Back up, back up.
Are you feeling any other pain
besides this pressure?
This pressure is only me.
I'm just applying
a little pressure here.
You're unbelievable.
What?
What if the man died?
If the man dies,
you could get sued.
Look at you. You got blood
all over your clothes.
That's what I do.
I get blood on my clothes.
I'm a doctor.
What the hell did you ever do?
Excuse me. Did you have
a roof over your head?
Clothes on your back?
Who do you think sent you
through medical school?
Uncle Dave!
He could afford it!
What the hell
do you want from me?
What I want from you,
you couldn't give me...
if your life depended on it.
And what's that?
How about love?
Love?
If you love someone,
you come and see them...
a little more often
than every five years!
Love?
What the hell
would I know about love?
Everything I learned
I learned from you!
I'm sitting in there thinking...
"Maybe you might
say something good."
You saw me do something.
You might be proud.
But you gave me bullshit
about getting sued!
I was trying
to look out for you!
You never looked out
for anybody but yourself.
Is that why you came out here?
No, I came out here to get you
in or out of my life!
What conclusion
have you come to?
That you're a fraud.
You're a fraud as a father,
as a husband...
and you're a fake, Abe!
You are not an actor.
Did I ever lay a hand on you?
At least
you would've touched me.
It's not too late!
Let's go!
I have dreamed about hitting you
so hard so many times.
Give it your best shot!
Come on!
Right now!
Look at us.
We're pathetic.
I am not a fraud!
I am an actor!
Who is it?
It's me.
What happened?
Wait a minute.
All I said was talk to him.
It's OK. No more talking.
Just hold me, please.
Can we talk now?
How do you feel?
I feel very grown-up.
I feel very sad for him.
You feel amazing in my arms...
and I've done
enough for one trip.
I'm going home.
You want a second opinion?
Maybe later.
I was looking all over for you.
What are you doing down there?
I like to watch the sun come up.
God does nice lighting.
Why don't you jump in?
It's a little cold...
but you get used to it
after a while.
I packed all my stuff.
My plane leaves at 10:00.
That's a nice time to fly.
Where's the other doctor?
Lisa is waiting in the cab.
At least
I got to see your haircut.
Say good-bye to Christian.
Tell her to think
about changing her name.
You have my number.
Yeah.
Don't work too hard, kiddo.
So long, Abe.
Let me drive you to the airport.
We have a cab. Thanks, anyway.
I'm your father, and I'm asking.
I'll meet you out front.
I'll take you
right to the plane.
I'm hungry.
Why don't we stop?
I'd like some breakfast.
You got a plane to catch!
Don't worry, we'll make it.
It's your plane... but my call.
How about a taco?
How could you eat a taco
this early in the morning?
It started on "The Alamo"
with Duke Wayne.
I worked 28 days
on that picture.
The real Alamo took 13.
- I'm game.
- Where can we get tacos?
Mexico.
People, smile.
You're standing on the oldest
street in Los Angeles!
Don't you feel like a putz?
Relax, Mr. Fun Police.
Excuse me, Ansel Adams.
Could you hurry up?
The kids are getting cranky.
He said we were going to Mexico.
Use your imagination.
This is Mexico, only better.
You save a three-hour trip,
and you can drink the water.
I know you have a smile.
You just have to bring it
from here to here.
Last night...
I don't want it to be like that.
Neither do I.
Nothing is worth getting
that upset about...
except this girl...
she had nipples...
the size of the dials
on my television set.
Hold it!
Listen...
You don't have to apologize.
Not even to me.
How do I look?
You know how you look.
It wasn't that long ago.
You said $10
for a color photograph.
Black is a color,
and white is a color.
Yeah?
And five is the number!
And adios is good-bye.
Come on!
It's fiesta time!
Excuse me.
I bought one of your cars.
You got good rhythm, Christian.
Not bad for a shiksa.
What are you doing?
You came out to gang up on me?
No. I heard you were
a terrific dancer.
- Did he say that?
- Yeah.
His heart's all right now?
I think it's getting better
every day.
He's right.
You're a great dancer.
I'd be better if you
let me lead once in a while.
Abbie, let's dance.
No, it's way too much fun.
It's great cardiovascular.
Now don't you feel
like you're in Mexico?
No.
Nurse?
Another round for my men.
Make sure that you give me
all the checks.
I don't want you to lose them.
What are you talking about?
I'm so happy that I lived
to see your bar mitzvah.
I'm very proud of you, Abbie.
Thank you.
I think we should go.
I'm getting tired.
No, no, no.
Know what I feel like now?
I feel like doing a hora.
This doesn't
look like a hora crowd.
What's a bar mitzvah
without a hora?
I think he's right, Abe.
I can't do another dance,
I'm sure.
Hora's not a dance.
It's a tradition.
Maestro!
Havah nagilah.
Gracias. Have a tequila!
Hold it, hold it.
How do you do?
- What is your name?
- Jose.
Now... follow me.
Ha-vah-na-gi-lah.
Hav-a-te-qui-la.
Nothing to do with tequila.
I know exactly what you want.
Can I borrow your trumpet?
That's for Lisa McConnell
and the gang at the morgue.
You've been practicing.
Follow me.
Abe, I don't know how!
Come on!
Come on, let's go!
If he'd have
listened to me...
he could have been
another Harry James!
All right. Guess who.
Cyd Charisse, "Band Wagon."
No. Do it again.
Stewart Granger
in "Scaramouche."
Wait, I've got one.
I've got one. Don't laugh.
"If only I wasn't
in this chair, Jane."
"But you are, Blanche!"
Bette Davis, "Whatever
Happened to Baby Jane?"
Bette Davis and Joan Crawford.
I did both parts.
- Dual roles.
- All right, I got one.
"You want me
to hold the chicken?"
What is this?
Is this a foreign movie?
"You want me
to hold the chicken?"
It's the waitress
in "Five Easy Pieces."
Remember the order?
Then Jack Nicholson says...
"Yeah, between your knees."
Remember?
"The loneliest feeling
in the world...
"is to be standing up...
"when everybody else
is sitting down...
"to have everybody
around you say...
"to have everybody...
"to have everybody
around you say..."
Wait...
It's what's-his-name.
He's not playing the game.
"To..." What?
It's just me.
"And everybody
looks at him and says...
'What's the matter with him?'"
I know.
"I know what it's like
walking down an empty street...
"listening to the sound
of your own footsteps.
"Shutters closed,
blinds drawn...
"doors locked against you.
"And you aren't sure...
"whether you're walking
toward something...
"or just walking away."
Paul Muni.
"Inherit the Wind."
That was good, Pop.
It was really, really good.
I hate hospitals.
How could you stand it?
You could catch something.
You got a connection here?
The chief of staff is
an old professor of mine.
He's doing us a very big favor.
Just relax.
Everything is gonna be OK.
Put this on.
Name? I know your name.
- Date of birth?
- Before your time.
Date of birth is December...
March 14, 1925.
We always celebrated it
in December.
So I lied. I liked a lot
of gifts for Christmas.
Have you ever had...
No, I never had anything.
I never even had my own room
until I got divorced.
How do I look?
Try to imagine this
with jewelry.
Would you get
on the scale, please?
Why are you walking
like that in here?
It prevents athlete's feet.
Of course.
Why are these things
always so cold?
Come on, get up. 5'9".
I'm shrinking.
By the time I die...
you can bury me in a shoe box.
What's the difference?
I didn't come here for a suit.
I came for a physical.
- Fill this up.
- With what?
Just fill it up.
- Are you OK?
- No.
I can't get the lid
off the goddamn bottle.
Very funny.
Try it again. Thank you.
I can't perform in here.
Try running the water.
Thank you.
I'll give you 500
for a cigarette, kiddo.
You can't move.
It's hard for me to do stills.
I'm a motion picture actor.
Just relax.
Won't you come home,
Bill Bailey?
Won't you come home?
She moans the whole day long
I'll do the dishes, darlin'
I'll pay the rent
My mother used
to sing that to me.
You didn't know
your grandmother, did you?
You would've loved her.
She was always singing.
My father was always miserable.
Broke his ass for 40 years
in a sweatshop.
All he ever
wanted out of life...
was a sewing machine
by the window.
I never heard him laugh.
This won't hurt at all...
but you really
have to be still now.
I'll do the dishes
And I'll pay the rent
OK, Pop, go home.
Go home?
You touch this,
you touch that...
you've seen parts of me
I haven't even seen...
and all you can tell me
is "Go home"?
I'll wait for the results
of your test.
They're rushing them..
I don't like rushing.
Rushing makes me nervous.
Don't be nervous.
On your way home,
get me a sandwich.
An Eddie Cantor.
You hear me?
I hear you. An Eddie Cantor.
Thank you.
We're the sentimental
gentlemen of song
How do you do?
In case I burn my pants!
- It's very funny.
- Ed Wynn!
I want you to know,
you doctors play rough.
My ass looks like
a miniature golf course.
- Where's Lisa?
- At the hotel.
She said give her a call.
Did you bring what I asked?
Yeah.
An Eddie Cantor?
This is not an Eddie Cantor.
This is a Georgie Jessel.
What's the difference?
An Eddie Cantor's
a meal in itself.
Jessel... an Ethiopian
wouldn't eat this.
I made a mistake.
Just eat the damn thing.
All right, I'll eat it.
At least
you got the pickles right.
I failed the test, right?
You have a blister...
on a blood vessel in your brain.
It's like what happens
to an inner tube...
when it starts to burst.
Why don't I feel anything?
You do, actually...
the headaches...
these speeches that
you suddenly remember...
it's all part of it.
It's called an aneurysm.
Good word for Scrabble.
Probably has
double letters in it.
What do we do for it?
It's in a portion of your brain
known as the Circle of Willis.
We can't get to it surgically.
So what you're saying is,
don't buy green bananas.
I can't do anything.
How long?
I don't know.
Come on.
An hour, a day, a week,
a month?
There is no way to know.
What's gonna happen?
The headaches will continue,
but there's medication for that.
And these episodes...
How did you say it at the set?
You lost your geography?
What's gonna happen
if I get lost?
I'll be here.
That's good.
I never had
my name in "Variety."
Probably now,
it'll be on page nine.
A little box.
"Abraham Polin, 63. Movie extra
"19th man to yell,
'I'm Spartacus!"
I guess I'll get some sleep.
I'll see you tomorrow?
Why do you say it like that?
Because you won't tell me
how long.
If this is it, I'll stay up.
Maybe there's a good movie
on the late show.
Dad.
Come on, kid, don't worry.
It's not your fault.
Things like this happen
with fathers.
I'm mad.
I know.
I really wanted an Eddie Cantor.
Maybe I shouldn't have told him.
He's your patient.
He has a right to know.
I should have been
a dermatologist.
You'd be a lousy one.
There are 300 skin diseases
and two creams.
Where's the challenge?
This whole thing
could've been avoided.
You see how he lives.
He takes better care...
of his goddamn car
than he does himself.
Damn it,
I feel like his father.
Don't.
Feel like his son.
- Abe?
- Breakfast!
I have some tacos here.
Abbie!
What the hell are you doing?
Rehearsing!
How could you do that?
That is not funny.
Think it's easy laying there,
playing dead?
Open your eyes and don't blink?
That's dying!
Let me show you something
about dying.
I've been thinking.
Watch. Who's this?
Dustin Hoffman
in "Midnight Cowboy!"
He died all the way to Florida!
Every actor loves a death scene.
Let me set the scene.
Christian, you'll enjoy this.
Stay right over here.
The man knows he's dying...
but he don't know when.
So he decides to come
into the kitchen...
have a coffee,
and read the trades.
All of a sudden,
a dizzy spell overtakes him.
Beads of perspiration
dot his forehead.
He grabs...
He thinks this is it.
He decides to give up smoking.
He has only one thought
in his mind.
He must get to the phone
to reach his son.
He must speak to his son...
who is out God knows where
shtupping some Catholic girl.
The first pain hits him.
You will notice that
the picture is slightly askew.
He desperately
fights across the room...
holding on with every bit
of strength he can muster.
He starts to fall again.
He clings!
He fights his way
across the room...
he falls to the floor,
crawling, scratching.
The morning sun
touches his face.
He realizes there'll be
no more mornings.
He reaches...
Coupons he was saving
to buy his son a hair dryer.
With his last ounce
of strength...
he reaches the phone.
He dials desperately...
but it is too late!
The death rattle.
The number you have reached
is not a working number.
Perfect! Pretty good?
It was very good.
- Go get dressed.
- Where we going?
I made a list
of all of the things...
that we never
had a chance to do.
What are you talking...
Just go get dressed.
I'll tell you...
what I want to do,
and you'll get us there.
All right.
He's very good.
He's very crazy.
True.
Come on!
I'm getting saddle sore.
This was a great idea.
I love this.
They like me, I think.
Hello.
He kisses like Aunt Sophie.
Look.
I got one! I got one!
I've never seen
anything like it.
It's a feeding frenzy.
Come on, boys.
Come on, boys, eat.
The fish in Europe are starving.
I can't believe
I haven't gotten one yet.
It's all in the wrist, Abbie.
I got a hot pole. Take mine.
I got another one!
Could you please not do that?
I'm gonna go over here
and fish by myself...
and you two can catch
every fish that's left.
Thank you.
Just gonna go over here.
You must concentrate.
I didn't put any bait
on his hook.
You catch all of those yourself?
- Yes.
- That's great.
I got to go back to work.
I understand.
Stay here.
I got to do this.
It's OK. Stay right here.
It's OK!
Passing on the left!
- Come on!
- I'm going as fast as I can!
Let's go for the burn!
Excuse me, ma'am.
I'm going into hyperspace!
I don't want you to go.
I have to.
My patients need me.
What am I gonna do without you?
You'll do fine.
I love you, Christian.
I love you, Jewish.
I'll miss you, Abe.
I'll miss me.
Nice exit.
You know what you need?
A sequel.
A speaking part.
What are you talking about?
I don't know.
I'm not sure yet.
Do you know anybody at
Jenny Lynn Productions?
They're casting a movie, too.
Abbie, please.
Sure you don't want this?
I only wore it once.
Once is plenty for that.
It's nice for the summer.
I'm sending some things over
to the Motion Picture Home.
It's tough staying warm
when you're retired.
Do you know a producer
named Phil Mitchell?
Producer Phil Mitchell?
Started with me 30 years ago.
He was the world's worst extra.
He's producing a movie,
and they need...
all different kinds
of character types.
Right here.
Let's give him a call.
"Agent submission only."
I don't have an agent.
They all say
"Agent submission only."
How do you get an agent?
You got to get a part.
- How do you get a part?
- Get an agent.
Don't ask me the next question.
It's 30 years,
and I still don't understand it.
Who's a really big agent?
Buddy Haverman,
the biggest, ICM. Powerful.
He once said to Sinatra,
"You want to hold it down?
"I'm eating!" That's big.
What are you doing?
Don't mix up my life.
Trust me.
Hi. May I help you?
I'm Les Schecter from
Buddy Haverman's office.
We have an appointment
for Mr. Abraham Polin.
Yes. A Mr. Polin.
You do? Of course you do.
Excuse me. Just a second.
Abe, don't be so impatient.
I spoke to Dominic.
He'll hold a booth for us.
Here you go. Pages 81a, 81b.
Fart of Eric.
Thank you. Nice typing.
What are you doing?
Maybe it's the wrong time.
I haven't had any sun lately.
Come on.
Tell her I have a headache.
Listen to me.
What is the worst thing
that can happen?
I'll be discovered.
No, no, no.
You're an actor.
You can do this.
You are Eric.
Now, come on.
Go in there,
and you break a leg.
I'll mend it.
I'll call you from the car.
Ciao.
Chad?
Chad Hunter?
This way.
Surf was very rough today,
wasn't it?
Sit down.
I'll be with you in a minute.
Mr. Folin?
You look surprised.
I've always looked like this.
Excuse me. I was expecting
somebody younger or different.
I hope I didn't embarrass you.
If you think
my face is embarrassing...
you should see my body.
Please, sit down.
You look familiar, Abe.
Have we worked together before?
We're in the same business.
Tell me a little bit
about yourself.
I'm 22. I'm from New York.
I studied with Oeter...
and I'm having trouble
adjusting to California.
Now tell me about you.
I'm 35.
I've worked summer stock...
regional theater,
off-Broadway-
Yo, Abe.
I'm 63 years old...
I'm making a complete
schmuck out of myself...
and I think
it's time that I left.
No, don't go. Please.
Really,
I'm glad you came in.
It's actually quite
refreshing to find...
an older leading-man type with
a sense of humor about himself.
Did I mention I was dying?
Don't be so hard on yourself.
You're very charming, Abe.
Would you like something?
No, thank you. I'm walking.
I can't get over it.
You look so familiar.
What movies have I seen you in?
I made many.
Too numerous to mention.
Try.
Let's say I...
lost the best years
of our lives...
I harvested
the grapes of wrath...
and I inherited the wind.
Come over here, Abe.
I'm an actor.
You want somebody to cheer,
I'll cheer.
You want somebody to laugh,
I'll be hysterical.
You want somebody to cry...
Believe me,
I know about crying.
I can be anybody you want.
Here's a funny story
I hope you understand
Listen very closely
if you possibly can
Dad, don't do this.
Just tell us what happened.
I charmed the pants off her.
And?
Too pooped to pop
I ain't lyin'
Please just tell me
what happened.
Ten lines of dialogue.
What?
Double scale!
Oh, Abe!
You got the job?
I start tomorrow morning
at 6:00.
- A toast!
- Hear, hear.
To my son.
Not only a wonderful doctor...
and a wonderful agent...
he's also paying for
the whole party tonight!
Where are you taking me?
This is a special occasion.
This is a great day.
I have a surprise for you.
What do you got here,
a firing squad?
Right here. Here we go.
- What?
- This.
Come on.
We're starting a new tradition.
You're crazier
than your so-called mother.
This is for the extras,
and who better...
to start this than you,
the king of the extras?
We'll get arrested!
Not if you hurry up!
Come on!
There it is... Gable's hands...
Monroe's feet,
and Abe Polin's ass.
Give me the towel
before it heals.
- Come on.
- No, no, no.
You've got to sign it.
Let's get out of here.
Let's do this one last time...
and then I have to get
some sleep.
"Eric the maitre d'
approaches the table."
"Good evening,
Mr. and Mrs. Belson."
"Nice to see you again, Eric."
"Would you like to know
about the specials tonight?
"We have a lovely
Saddleview veal au jus.
"We have the fresh
catch of the sea"
Hold it, please.
All you say is...
"Would you like
to see the menu, sir?"
Actors don't
pay attention to words.
You make the part important,
make it your own.
"How about a nice flounder?"
"Would you like
to see the menu, sir?"
You see? if I didn't
divorce your mother...
we wouldn't be spending
this quality time together.
I'm going to sleep.
No, no, wait.
I got to get a couple
of things off my chest...
in case we get separated
in the crowd.
What is it?
It's no big news to know
I wasn't a great father.
Let's say I was miscast.
But I want you to do me
a big favor.
Sure.
I love you, kid...
but I want you to go home.
Why?
You're waiting around
for this thing to happen.
The pressure's killing me!
I want you to go.
I'm not going anywhere.
I know you for 37 years,
and we just met.
And you want to put me
on a train again?
No, no. But this time...
you can get off
anyplace you want.
If I was you,
I'd get off in New York.
I'd marry the Christian doctor.
Have a baby and name him after
somebody who recently died.
That's a deal...
but I'm not going anywhere...
except to bed.
You go to sleep.
I have a small question,
a professional opinion.
OK.
And don't be my son now.
Be my doctor.
All right.
What do you think the odds are
of my dying on a weekend?
Call your bookmaker.
I don't know.
This is very important!
If I die during the week,
nobody'll come to my funeral.
Everybody's working.
Why worry about this?
When you're my age,
you worry about two things.
One, you're with a woman
and she says...
"Let's do it again right now"...
and the other is,
"Who'll come to my funeral?"
You have a million friends.
I know a lot of people.
It's different.
My father worked in that shop
for 40 years.
Nobody came to his funeral.
But that was him,
and you're you...
and you have
a 6:30 call tomorrow.
"Would you like
to see the menu, sir?"
You're gonna be great.
May I have the envelope,
please?
Can I have Stage 10, please?
Thank you.
Hello,
I'm calling for Abe Polin.
I know he's late...
and he's very, very sorry
about that...
but Mr. Polin will not
be able to come in today.
Thank you.
Now is the time to go to sleep.
Time to slip away.
Time to say sweet dreams to
the things that I loved today.
Sweet dreams to the stars.
Sweet dreams to the breeze.
Sweet dreams
to bellybuttons that go in...
and bellybuttons that go out.
Sweet dreams to all
the tushies in the world.
The little ones
and the big fat ones...
like the waitress
at the bowling alley.
Sweet dreams.