Meet the Patels (2014) - full transcript

An Indian-American man who is about to turn 30 gets help from his parents and extended family to start looking for a wife in the traditional Indian way.

(DOOR CREAKING)

(LIGHT SWITCH CLICKS)

(CHAIRS SQUEAK)

(ZIPPING)

GEETA: Do you want me to hold
this so you... RAVI: No, that's fine...

But we both need to talk into it
so maybe, put it in the middle of us.

Wait, not with your headphones because
you're going to be yelling otherwise.

GEETA: Oh, right. RAVI:
You got your headphones on

and you got this thing in your
hand... (GEETA CHUCKLING)

...and you're like,
"I'll hold this."

(FURNITURE CREAKING)



(SWITCHING ON THE LIGHT)

(BEEPING)

How do we, uh,
how do we wanna do this?

Do you wanna...
should I just...

GEETA: Just, just start
at the beginning of the story.

Right, so...

(SIGHS)

So you know, when I think
about our extended family

I always felt like growing up, I was
the odd man out. GEETA: Mmm-hmm.

But now I think
it's all relative.

Like, you know, my entire life,

I got made fun of
for having a big nose.

People called me Gonzo.

So I always thought this nose was
kind of my obstacle to greatness.



(KIDS LAUGHING)

And then recently, I was
getting fitted for a hat

as an actor.
GEETA: Mmm-hmm.

RAVI: And the guy goes...

"You have an
unusually small head."

After all these years, I find out that
my nose was perfect. (BELL RINGS)

It was my head that was small!

GEETA: Wait, how did...

RAVI: See what I'm saying?
So like,

you know, like,
in terms of the family

maybe I'm not the one
who's out of place,

maybe it was an analogy...
(MUMBLES)

GEETA: Rav,
can you just get...

Start the story. So, start,
start it with the trip to India.

Right. So, story
starts two years ago.

(FRAME CHANGE SOUND)
Here in LA,

I had just broken up with Audrey

and I was miserable.

We'd been together for two years

and I had never told
Mom and Dad about her,

in fact, they were
freaking out (BEEPING)

Because you know, here I was, almost
thirty, never married, (WHOOPING)

Which in our culture is like...

GEETA: Code red.
RAVI: Code red!

And to make things worse,

two weeks after this breakup,

I had to go on our annual
family trip to India.

MOM: My dear, when are you
going to get married?

DAD: You know, the later
you show up to a restaurant,

the more limited the menu.

MOM: My prince,
you're killing us.

RAVI: Zone two? No?

MOM: Do you want us to die
without the grandchildren?

DAD: You know, Champa, I don't
even think he wants to get married!

Don't do what Geeta did to us.

MOM: You and your sister
can't live together forever!

DAD: If he wanted
to get married... (SCOFFS)

He would be married!

(MUSIC PLAYING)

RAVI: You know that girl
in Eat, Pray, Love,

you know,
she goes through a break-up,

goes on the existential
journey to India

to get over depression,

find out what
she really wanted in life?

I was that girl.
(FLUTE MUSIC PLAYING)

Except, my family was with me
the entire time.

(MOM AND DAD SINGING)

RAVI: The entire time.

MOM: Let's go, Geeta!
RAVI: Geets, come on!

(LAUGHING)

MOM: Ahhh!

Oh, you have to buy one now,

the guy's been working...

(SPEAKING IN GUJARATI)

MOM: Four, five.

Hey!
(CHUCKLING)

RAVI: I look too sexy
for this.

(DAD SPEAKING)

RAVI: And behind the camera
was you, sister.

GEETA: Yeah.

RAVI: Documentary filmmaker,
but by no means a cinematographer.

That's why for the next
hour and a half,

we will be treated to footage
that is out of focus,

poorly framed,

and often has a microphone
in the upper right hand corner.

We are having a great time
with the family.

Next time, we are going to
come with the grandchildren.

RAVI: Here's the thing.
In Mom and Dad's eyes,

I had never had a girlfriend

and I had no idea
how to get a girlfriend.

GEETA: Right.

RAVI: So in their mind,
it's like,

"Hey, we're going to India,
it's our last chance"

"and maybe we can get him to
get married the way we did."

DAD: Why do our marriages
survive at a higher rate

than the American marriage

when you say, "I have
to be falling in love,

"and it has to click."
Where you know the girl

for a year or two
the way Americans do

and still 50%
of the marriages fail,

- the reason is compatibility, value, the belief.
- MOM: Yeah.

Like we got married, me and Mom,

I only talked to her 10 minutes.

Does that mean you think
that works for me as well?

Absolutely!
MOM: Absolutely.

DAD: If you ask me, 100%,
I believe... MOM: Yeah.

...from the bottom of the
heart, not even a doubt.

Everything affects
our thinking and liking

whether you are going to
put up with the person or not,

if your, if her
food habits are different.

Food habits is the first reason?

No, no, I'm giving you
a reason at random.

You want to focus on a girl

who has same value in the life

and have been raised
same way you have,

and especially keeping in mind
the religion is same.

DAD: Now, we're not saying

every Indian family
is good for you.

That is why we select.

RAVI: You had to check
the family and the background

because you only get
10 minutes to meet the person.

Whereas I'm saying,
you date the person.

- You get a better sense of who a person is...
- MOM: No, no, no...

...by spending time
with that person

than by finding out
who their family is.

That's why there's a
matchmaking. MOM: Aha!

If this girl is good
with that boy

but that boy is good
with this girl,

so everybody is good,

everybody gets married
at the end.

All the girls and all
the boys get married.

What would be the downside
of me marrying a white girl?

A white girl, a white girl?

Let's say American, let's
say a white American girl.

(AUNT SPEAKING)

RAVI: Here's where
it gets a little tricky...

I have a huge family,
all last name Patel.

And here's the thing,
they're all married to Patels.

See, these are the
rules of being a Patel,

you're supposed to marry
someone who's also named Patel.

Now, it's not incest.
It's... it's like a caste thing.

It means... uh,

that they're from this
small little region of India.

Where we come from,

actually our hometown's
probably, I want to say 90%...

Eighty to 90% Patel...

...is Patels.

The story starts
she's from Anand.

I am from Dharmaj.

My brother got married
to her sister.

I was only 18, she was 14.

(LAUGHS)

We decided that
both families, you know,

liked each other.

And then we were told
that we are going to

meet each other
at this person's house

and our parents
were waiting outside

and we went in the room

and given five minutes
to take care of it.

We had a guy in the middle of
us so there's no hanky-panky.

In India,

the girls don't have much
of a say in those days.

Girls have to get married
to who their parents say,

so I said,
"No, that's not fair."

I said, "If you have
anything in your mind",

"you want to marry
someone else, let me know,

"and I will say no."

"So that way, you
don't have to say no."

I went back and told my family,

I said, "This is
the girl I want to marry."

It took five minutes
though... Right?

We never said anything,
just hi, hello, and that's it.

GEETA: Let's get married.

And let's get married.

(DAD SPEAKING)

RAVI: Right.
DAD: Right?

And I'm supposed to
get a girl from where?

Ideally.

DAD: It's a triangle.

That would be ideal for Patel.

RAVI: Uh-huh.

(ROOSTERS CAWING)

RAVI: So if I found
a girl from this,

Kapadvanj in Kheda...
Hmm.

Oh, you're shaking your head
already, that's way too far?

How far apart do they have
to be for it to be justified?

Well, usually there
should be no relation.

Because everyone
is probably still,

a lot of these people
are probably still related

way down the road.

I'm pretty sure
they are at some point,

but I don't know
that much history of it.

RAVI: Before we go any
further, let me just take you back.

(MOVIE CLIP) Take it from
the top, one, two, three...

RAVI: India 1945,
Dad entered the world.

Twenty-two years later,
Dad's entire village

pooled their money
to send him to America.

DAD: You know I came to America
with eight dollars in my pocket?

That's all, that's all I had.
(WHOOPING)

Look at me now.

RAVI: 1967,
Dad enrolled at Michigan Tech.

He and six other guys from India

shared one room
and one bank account.

DAD: You know, I had to look
up every word in the dictionary,

every word.

Having a weak English lexicon left me feeling
lugubrious, acrimonious, cantankerous.

I'm sorry,
am I being superfluous?

Look at me now!

RAVI: 1972, Dad's dad called
him and told him... (PHONE RINGS)

It's time to get married!

RAVI: Dad flew to India,
got an arranged marriage,

came back with Mom.

DAD: You know
some people they date,

then they get married?

We did it opposite. (LAUGHING)

Look at me now.

RAVI: I don't know
how they fell in love,

but they are the happiest
couple I've ever seen.

1975, you were born...
GEETA: Yup.

RAVI: Three years later,
I was born.

I had a very happy childhood,
but the older I got,

the more I lived a double life.

At home, I was Indian Ravi,
I spoke Gujarati,

hung out with Indians,
I watched Indian movies.

(INDIAN MOVIE CLIP)

RAVI: Outside the house,
I was American Ravi.

Hi, Ma!

I spoke English,
hung out with Americans,

watched American movies...

(AMERICAN MOVIE CLIP)

RAVI: My, my
dating history is short.

Growing up,
dating wasn't allowed.

In fact, if a girl
ever called the house,

there was an interrogation
afterwards. GEETA: Right.

RAVI: The expectations
were clear,

I was gonna have
a perfect Indian wife.

She'd be a wonderful
mother, a great cook,

that was the plan.

So I was shocked

when the first girl
I really fell for was...

Hey, we're on hayride.

RAVI: A redhead
from Connecticut.

AUDREY: (SINGING)
♪ Doe, a dear a female deer.

RAVI: Audrey was my first
and only girlfriend, ever.

Okay, I look a little weird

because, um,
I'm on night vision.

We're gonna get in trouble!
You're really high up!

RAVI: You know,
we were pretty serious.

Um, Madonna, Snoop Doggy Dog,
oh, he's a, he's a painter,

he's a computer guy?

(OTHERS LAUGHING)

(LAUGHING) What?

RAVI: She has so many
amazing qualities.

I mean, just that she could
dance at a drop of a hat

for no reason.

She has a lot of sensibilities

that most 50-year-old
mothers have...

She loves a good how-to book.

Any puppy videos...
GEETA: Aww.

RAVI: If there's a video
online where people are crying,

she's watching it and she's
crying too. (GEETA LAUGHS)

I mean, we were
together for two years,

and it definitely felt like,

"Okay, it's time to tell
Mom and Dad that she exists."

AUDREY: That was good, right?

But somehow, there was
still something else inside me,

like in my gut,
that just didn't sit well,

and I didn't really
know what it was.

And I didn't really know what it was. Is
there a term for it, the Indian Problem?

Is there a term for it,
the Indian Problem?

I said, "Look, I just can't
live this double life anymore."

"You know, I... I can't hide this
relationship from my parents,"

"it's not fair
to you or them."

And I, I don't know,
I just couldn't do it anymore.

So...

We broke up.

(DAD SPEAKING)

It's not the idea of marrying
a girl that's a problem,

I, 100%, I would get married...

You know, I'm 29,
I want to be married,

but for me specifically,
I don't want to...

You know, doing it
like a job interview.

(DAD SPEAKING)

RAVI: In a
best-case scenario,

I think I could marry a girl
six months after meeting her.

(DAD SPEAKING)

Hey, that was different
though, man.

DAD: No, no, no, no.

RAVI: I know the process!

DAD: No, no,
no, no.

RAVI: Right.

It gets me stressed out
just thinking about it.

I think I just never questioned

that I would
find the girl I want

and I would find her in kind
of a normal, American way,

like in the movies...

Ray!
Excuse me

- RAVI: In the middle of nowhere...
- Can I help you?

RAVI: It would be romantic...

You complete me...

You had me at hello...

RAVI: And I wouldn't need
my parents to do it for me,

cause it's pathetic!

I mean, they're setting up
the dates. GEETA: Right.

In my case, they're probably,
texting me in the middle of it.

GEETA: And then
you're waiting to find out

whether you get a second date,

not from her
but from Mom and Dad.

From Mom and Dad.

It's like, it's like exactly the
relationship I have with my acting agents.

RAVI: Like they'll call me up
and be like...

RAVI: (IN MOM'S VOICE) My prince,
my prince, darling, baby, good news.

Talked to Seema's parents,

looks like they want to
bring you in for a callback!

Vasant, coffee!

So here's the deal,
it's going to be Friday night,

you're going to
take her to Chinese.

Now listen, they love you.
Don't do anything new.

Same stuff.

Nothing tricky,

we're hearing it's between you
and two guys named Raj.

All right? Oh and, hey,
Ravi, good luck,

don't blow it.
Hit the girls.

(INDIAN MUSIC PLAYING)

GEETA: So the next stop
was Dad's village. RAVI: Right...

There's literally a pile
of crap everywhere you go,

they need to figure out how to potty-train
the cows, right? (MOM LAUGHING)

RAVI: Dad's village is like
the belly of the beast.

GEETA: Right, cause we are
related to everybody.

RAVI: Yeah, and they all
immediately had one question...

RAVI: Imagine the most
annoying person in your family,

who's kinda always
in your business,

asking all sorts of questions

and you're trying to just
get out of the situation.

Now imagine an entire village
filled with that person.

RAVI: Like in The Matrix,
you know where that bad guy

is, like, multiplying
over and over again.

RAVI: Dad's one of the most
respected people I know,

but Mom might be
an even bigger deal

because she is known
as a matchmaker.

RAVI: So it's a huge failure
in Mom's eyes

that her own kids
aren't married,

and she's the best
in the business.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

RAVI: December's actually
wedding season in India,

meaning Indians
from all over the world

come to India, not just
to meet each other, but...

GEETA: To marry... Yeah.
RAVI: To marry each other.

RAVI: Everyone except for us.

No.

No.

Wow!

(DAD SPEAKING)

When too many people like us

are telling you that,
my prince, this thing works,

at least you need to close
your eyes, one day, for 24 hours

and think, all these
people are telling you.

And think that
there could be some truth.

DAD: The whole world
cannot be wrong.

MOM: Yeah, the whole world
cannot be wrong, my prince.

(APPLAUSE)

(MUSIC PLAYING)

(MOM SPEAKING ON MIC)

RAVI: I remember sitting there, and
I'm looking at Mom and Dad on stage

and, you know, this charity,
that... And this whole event

which is put on just
because of their own efforts

and, you know, it reminded me
just how much I love our family

and how much I love our culture.

GEETA: Where we're from.

RAVI: Yeah, you know,
when I have kids,

I kinda wanted them
to have the same feeling,

the same experience.

GEETA: And grow up
the way we did.

RAVI: Yeah, and go on trips
like, like these.

GEETA: Yeah.

RAVI: And that's when it all
became clear to me that,

you know, maybe that's why
I had broken up with Audrey,

because, you know,
I wanted this.

(RAVI SPEAKING IN GUJARATI)

So what happened?
What changed your mind?

I guess I had
this realization that...

whenever in my head I imagined
who it was that I was gonna marry,

it was this Indian girl.

Yet, here I was, almost 30
and I hadn't found one yet,

and I started doing the math.

I mean, when we
were in India, it was like,

looking around,
there's Indians everywhere,

those guys have it easy.

(CHUCKLES)
But I live in America,

and here I am
looking for an Indian girl,

who's Gujarati,
and Patel more specifically.

GEETA: And single.
RAVI: And female, by the way,

and all these
other normal things

that people look for,
cute, smart, funny.

GEETA: And she
has to love you.

She has to love me,
I have to love her,

we have to find each other.

I mean, there's a lot of odds
stacked against me. GEETA: Right.

And then here Dad
was saying, "Trust me",

"this is gonna work," and
I was like, ya know what?

- Maybe, maybe I'm being close-minded.
- GEETA: Right.

This system has worked

for so many people...
People that are like me.

(RANDOM COMMOTION,
LAUGHTER) I'm so happy!

(UNCLE SPEAKING)

(DAD SPEAKING IN GUJARATI)

(LAUGHTER)

(LAUGHTER)

Little punk.

(JINGLE BELLS SONG PLAYING)

♪ Dashing through the snow
In a one-horse open sleigh

♪ O'er the fields we go
Laughing all the way

♪ Bells on bob-tail ring
Making spirits bright

♪ What fun it is to ride and
sing a sleighing song tonight ♪

NADINE: National Lampoon Comedy
Radio XM 154, back in the studio,

NADINE: National Lampoon Comedy Radio XM 154, back in the
studio, uh, people aren't normally invited back so quickly

uh, people aren't normally
invited back so quickly

but I... I love him, I do.

Uh, Ravi Patel, welcome back.

RAVI: I have missed you so.

NADINE:
You're first generation?

I'm first generation,

you know, it's
a generally strict culture,

specifically the kind of Indian
that I am, which is Gujarati.

I'd say about 50% of the
Indians that you meet in America

are Gujarati, Patels,
Patel's a very com...

There are...
I know a lot of Patels.

RAVI: Yeah,
Patel's very common,

like, my name, Ravi Patel is
like John Smith. (LAUGHS) Right!

Patels are hardcore,
and there's so many of you.

They're useless vegetarians,

you're physically small humans.

The first word that came
to mind was "cheap."

Patels own motels or own hotels

or, you know, 7-Elevens.

RAVI: If I pay to
stay somewhere,

it's purely as a result of me
not making enough phone calls.

You know, it's really like
Gujarati people in America are

often the working class
in India that came over.

I came to America
actually in December '67.

(SPIRIT IN THE SKY
SONG PLAYING )

When our children
came to a marriage age,

there was a need for

some kind of matchmaking,

girl to a boy.

This book gives
the names and addresses

of all the 24 villages.

-And these are all Patels! All Patels.
-Oh yeah. All Patels.

DAD: Problem is,
all the Patels who came,

they are spread all over
50 states in America.

How do you still
follow the same system

that was workable back home
in the small area

but not workable here

because of the geographic,
you know, the distance.

So what happened?

RAVI: What happened is
they invented the bio-data.

The bio-data is a sheet
of paper, like a resume,

that the parents pass around

to help them
make an informed decision

when they're making matches.

RAJ: Nobody writes
their own bio-data.

It's done by committee

and it's a very
rosy picture of yourself

that really isn't you.

I never gave my mom
an actual physical bio-data,

I refused, I was like,

I'm not going to resume
myself out on a piece of paper,

and she's like,
"Give me a resume,"

and so I sent her
my work resume.

I've never seen mine,

I've never, 'cause
I just don't want to know.

I go to a wedding
and I run into this lady.

She's like, "Oh, my God,
come sit down next to me",

"you are just...
you're so wonderful,

"and gosh, you know,
had your dad

"sent a better picture of you,

"you could have been my
daughter-in-law." (LAUGHING LOUDLY)

And I'm like...

RAVI: Here's what's
on my bio-data,

date of birth, height, weight,

occupation, education, hobbies,

and then there's stuff
I have no interest in,

like parent's location
and work history,

sibling location
and work history,

horoscope, caste,
skin complexion,

there's "wheatish brown,"

I think
I've seen "almond brown."

It's like the lighter you are,

the more attractive you are.

They talk about the homely,
wheatish complexion girl,

I mean, it's a running joke.

Well, one, the word
homely is used wrong.

Hey, Hasmukh, what's up?

Listen, got your
daughter's bio-data,

oh, great job,
I mean, PhD. Really?

Okay, see, here's the thing.

Um, Raj is more
of a wheatish brown,

he's just, yeah,
he's just had a good life,

and we've kept him
out of the sun on purpose.

So good to talk to you,

and good luck with that
dark daughter of yours...

Congrats again on the PhD,
great job.

So after I gave Mom
and Dad my bio-data,

they could officially release
it into the marketplace.

Within weeks, my bio-data
was in the hands of uncles,

aunts, family friends
and complete strangers.

Now while my bio-data
was circulating out there

in the marketplace, Mom and Dad

were simultaneously receiving
other people's bio-datas.

Then what they do is filter them
based on what type of women

they think would be
a good fit for me.

Looks good, so I'm going to
forward this to Ravi, okay?

RAVI: And by
the end of January,

I got my first batch
of bio-datas.

Dad sent me 20 bio-datas,

so basically,
20 pictures and resumes

of matrimonial candidates,
which is totally normal. Right?

This is the one I like the most,

she's 28, she's 5'4",
124 pounds...

Is she getting
one of these of you?

RAVI: I would imagine, yeah.

And can she also veto
or give the thumbs-up?

Yeah, this is her preferences,

oh, they have a preferences
section at the bottom.

MERI: Ooh!
"Hindu, Gujarati speaking,

"must have moderate family
and religious values."

"Preferences: Academic
or professional career."

I don't know how I got this.
(LAUGHTER)

Now, phone-call phase is,
it's straight up cold-calling,

"Hey, my name is Ravi,

"my mother Champa
gave me your bio-data,

"which was given to her
by Kokila-bhen

"who was given to her
by Mahendra-bhai"

"who happens to be
your uncle, I think."

(YOU SEXY THING
SONG PLAYING)

(GEETA LAUGHING)

I love that I get to watch this.

This is so weird.
(GEETA LAUGHING)

I mean, wait, so
when I'm talking to you

during the date at some point,
I'm gonna talk to you, right?

GEETA: No, why would you
talk to me during the date?

I'm supposed to pretend you're not there
the whole time? GEETA: Yeah! What, Ravi...

That's how this is done, I'm supposed to
pretend like you're not there the whole time.

GEETA: You're just having a
date, I'm just filming. This whole...

That's not "just anything,"
that's weird.

That's just weird.

(RAVI SPEAKING)

I'm a little nervous, this is like uh,
really weird. (BOTH LAUGHING)

I'm nervous too, okay, you're not
the only one. (LAUGHS) Okay, good.

Do you want a drink, by the way?

Are you gonna get one?
Yeah.

Like, I've played a doctor
like, 30 times.

Really? Typical.
Yeah.

(LAUGHING) Yeah, I know, it's
the next best thing for my parents.

-I have a lot of um, Asian
friends, -RAVI: Okay.

So we'll go like dinner,
karaoke... It's so much fun.

Wait, hold on, time out, why do
you have so many Asian friends?

Well, I started off
as a computer science major.

I love chocolate,
but what girl doesn't?

I'm a big...
I'm a big chocolate fan.

You like chocolate too.

My parents love talking
about blood pressure,

forever they've always
been talking, BP,

what's your BP?
(LAUGHS)

Yeah. (SNIFFS)

GEETA: So what'd
you think of her?

I think she's really cool.
I don't know, we'll see.

I don't know, what'd you think?

You were there, what'd you
think? (GEETA LAUGHING)

I guess that's the upside...

(BOTH LAUGHING)

...afterwards I can be like,
"So what did you think?"

"Should we, uh,
should we call her back?"

(BOTH LAUGHING)

"I don't know, Geeta,
what do you think?"

"I don't know
if she's for us."

(BOTH LAUGHING)

RAVI: So, there's this one
time we're on this family trip

driving through Tennessee
in the station wagon,

we had to stop somewhere
for the night.

Of course, we're Patels,
we're cheap,

we always stayed in motels.

Then we get to the motel.

Of course,
it's owned by a Patel.

GEETA: That was every trip.

RAVI: Dad looks back at me
with this grin,

'cause he knows
he's hit the jackpot.

Somehow, this is
going to save us money.

He goes in, he goes,

"Hey, you know we
need a room for the night."

The guy looks up.

"Patel?"

"Patel."

RAVI: Next thing I know,

we're having dinner with them.

I remember, I'm like,
laying on the carpet,

like changing channels
on the TV like it's my place.

Dad is talking to this uncle,
who we just met!

GEETA: And it's like they've
known each other forever...

RAVI: Mom's in
the kitchen cooking,

you know, making samosas...

GEETA: It was like
a family reunion.

RAVI: It was almost as if
we had made the trip

just to see them.
And of course,

the next day we leave.

And I don't know that
we ever talked to them again.

GEETA:
I don't think we did.

That's what I love
about being Patel.

They don't keep score,
they don't count favors.

You are unconditionally

a part of the biggest
family in the world.

(PHONE RINGS)

RAVI: Hey, Dad...

(DAD ON PHONE)

RAVI: I'm good.
Hey, so listen,

there's a lot of girls from
other parts of the country,

there's a lot of girls
from Toronto.

(DAD ON PHONE)

Yeah, that's the problem,
like, what I'm supposed to like...

(PHONE RINGING)
(RAVI ON PHONE)

(GEETA ON PHONE)

(RAVI SPEAKING)

(GEETA CHUCKLING)

(GEETA AND RAVI ON PHONE)

(PHONE RINGING)

(MOM AND RAVI ON PHONE)

(PHONE RINGING)

(GEETA TALKING)

(RAVI ON PHONE)

(MOM ON PHONE)

(PHONE RINGING)

(DAD ON PHONE)

(PHONE RINGING)
(RAVI ON PHONE)

(GEETA SPEAKING)

(RAVI ON PHONE)

(MOM AND RAVI ON PHONE)

(MOM ON PHONE)

(DAD ON PHONE)

GEETA: Pretty impressive.
RAVI: Yeah, that was...

GEETA: Would have been
more impressive if you...

Met the woman of your dreams.

RAVI: Yeah, I mean, I didn't
come out of that trip

feeling like
"Oh, I just met the one."

But I came out
of that trip feeling like,

"Okay, I think I will."

And uh, by the way,
I felt accomplished

(CHUCKLING) just having gone
on 15 dates around the country.

That's crazy. GEETA:
Yeah, right, but for them,

15 was a huge number.

I mean, Dad found Mom
after 12 women.

Yeah but he's clearly
better at this than I am.

(LAUGHTER)

GEETA: I've probably
been on 1 to 200.

What?

Yeah.

I've been doing this
since I was 20.

And how many of those
resulted in second dates?

None.

Well, we should be
talking about you then.

I mean, why are you failing?

(LAUGHTER)

So they were, like,
trying to pressure me

into like, getting
an arranged marriage

and I'm like, no,
I don't want to do it,

they were like, let's
put an ad in the paper,

'cause that's what
a lot of people do

is they go there, they put
an ad in the classifieds.

SH: In the mrimonial section...

JOSH: The classified
is labeled matrimonial.

It's like, "Seeking an
alliance for our daughter..."

ADITYA: That's like
Victorian England.

The fact that the term
alliance is used... (LAUGHTER)

Alliance is the right word.
Alliance is the right word, yeah.

"Homely and comely,"
whoever knows what that means.

"Homely and comely,
wheatish complexion."

From my perspective, that sounds

incredibly racist or odd, you know...
JULIANNA: (LAUGHING) Yeah.

...but like, right?
It does, doesn't it?

SUNKRISH: They sell
a lotion in India

called Fair And Lovely,

and people like,
lather it onto their skin.

It's a skin-bleaching lotion?
A skin-bleaching lotion...

JOSH: No way. ...to
try and get lighter.

They have a male version now
that's called Fair And Handsome.

SUNKRISH: Oh!
(LAUGHTER)

RAVI: Fair skin
is a big deal.

Like, right now, if my mom
saw me in the sun right now,

she'd be like, "Ahh, your
marriage value is plummeting!"

(ALL LAUGHING)

I got to tell you, like, based
on what I've gone through

with my parents so far, like I
hope it does work, I really do.

JULIANNA: You really do?
You hope it does?

Absolutely, like, look,
if the end is that I end up

with a girl that
I think is amazing

and I want to be with...

I guess I'm just confused

because you've been
with somebody who you love

and think is amazing
and you do want to be with

and now you guys are broken up
which happens and is fine,

but like that prospect
is totally gone

if this works out.

(PHONE RINGING)

(AUDREY ON PHONE)

Hey.

(CHUCKLES) How are you?

Sister's great, she's uh,
she's in Charlotte right now

and it's awesome.

I've recently...

Yeah, I love when she leaves.

How has your life been

not being Facebook
friends with me?

Nothing, it was just a bit of an
earth-shattering moment for me,

I didn't know about it
until like two weeks in,

and then I realized,

I don't even know
how I figured it out,

I'm sure I tried to
go to your profile

and I wasn't your friend.

Yeah.

What?

Did... (LAUGHING)

Have I dealt with
my inability to commit?

Huh. How do you deal
with that kind of thing?

Um,

I don't know how to deal
with commitment issues.

I mean, you either have
them or you don't, right?

Or like, you have them
until you commit,

is that how it goes?

Yeah, so then I still have them.

How do we end this?
What do we...

- Do we just say bye?
- AUDREY: Umm.

Well, when do we talk again?

Do we have to like set a date,

or do I like, have to wait
another six weeks or something?

Oh, yeah, so I'm just
calling you whenever,

like I'll call you, like in
a month or something?

It's good talking
to you, Audrey.

All right...

All right,
talk to you later, bye.

(DAD ON PHONE)

Well... she's,
I mean... (SIGHS)

I'm telling you, our odds
are going to be much better

if you find girls
that are in America,

American-born and also...

you know, tend to have a
mixture of friends culturally,

'cause that to me
is the ultimate indicator.

Okay.

Okay, you're probably right
about that, yeah.

♪ (MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

(INDISTINCT)

NUPUR: This one?
It's 17.99 a month.

And then I got to pay for
every date I go on, obviously.

Well, yeah, you have to
pay for the dates...

well, you don't have to,
you can split the dates.

Dutch on the first date,

unless you like them...
Do you do that?

Have you ever
gone Dutch on a date?

I am a man seeking a woman.

NUPUR: Okay, which best describes
your body type. (RAVI LAUGHING)

NUPUR: Go with,
"Athletic and toned."

RAVI: I am athletic and toned!

NUPUR: No, you're not,
you have a few extra pounds.

(LAUGHTER)

"Graduate student
in neurobiology."

"Science geek"!

RAVI: Yeah I'm going after
her, she's awesome.

This girl is awesome.

NUPUR: Strategically placed
tattoo, yeah, that's so hot.

RAVI: She's great,
she's great.

All right, so I'll pick
you up at like, 8:00?

Okay.

(GEETA SPEAKING)

Neeta.

- Hi!
- Hi, are you Heena?

- Hima. Yeah.
- Hima, oh, I'm sorry.

- Ravi.
- Hi.

RAVI: I'm gonna have to
come up with more constraints,

this has 566 matches.

(LAUGHING)

RAVI: Are you a wedding
planner? Yes I am.

(LAUGHS)

Her name is... Seema?

(ON PHONE) Well Mom,
she didn't even email me back.

(MOM ON PHONE)

I can't reply to myself!

The good news is if, uh,
match doesn't work,

you get your money back
in like six months,

so it's more like
a savings account.

Look at that.
That's a fun...

MERI: This is a fun girl.

Are we supposed to get
like, a knife or something?

HIMA: No, you just
dig in, like Indian style.

Hey Seema, I'm Ravi...

Hey Seema, I'm Ravi...
Yeah, not so good there.

Yeah, not so good there.

Don't do anything sneaky
with the camera...

GEETA: Okay.
I'm, I'm dead serious.

This girl's gonna be cute.

Nope.
Ohh...

(ALARM RINGING)

RAVI: See ya.

(GEETA LAUGHS)

I don't know, there is
something cool about showing up

and feeling like you
already know so much about

the other person, like...

We all have kind of like
the exact same upbringing.

(GEETA SPEAKING)

Right, like especially
with this dating stuff, like...

(GEETA SPEAKING)

No! I mean,
we talk about that stuff...

No, that's what
I'm telling you, it's like...

it's like a support group
or something.

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

(GEETA SPEAKING)

It's supposed to dry.

It will dry on the way.

I have a system.

Bye.

GEETA: How did it go?

Rav?

Huh? (MUMBLES)
How did it go?

(RAVI SPEAKING)

GEETA: How do you know that?

Well, see, I don't even
know dating that well,

I haven't done it
that much, okay?

I really haven't, like...

I don't date, right?

I went through this like

four-year period, I decided...

I mean, I would even
tell my friends about this,

that I decided that I
wanted to date an Indian girl

and if the only way
I could do that

is if I literally, cut myself
off from everything else,

that I was starving so bad for,

(LAUGHING) a woman,

and knowing that
that was the only way...

That I would go after it
that much harder.

And it didn't work.

GEETA: When was this?

Right before Audrey...

I thought it would help me
get closer to finding an Indian.

GEETA: I did the same thing.

You did the same thing?

Even though I was born
here and considered American,

Even though I was born here and considered American, it
wasn't like I ever really considered myself American.

It wasn't like I ever really
considered myself American.

GEETA: I've never seen
my parents kiss,

like intimacy wasn't something,

did you guys have that?

I saw my dad kiss my mom
on the cheek one time

and I was like,
(GASPS) "Whoa!"

You know, they'd
put me to sleep,

we'd rattle off all the
different Hindu God names,

at the end they'd say,
"Okay, study hard,"

"no boys, no blacks,
no Muslims, good night."

My grandmother is probably the
most racist human being I've ever met...

(CHUCKLES) ...but she's, like,
the most lovable human being.

They just look in a tunnel
(BABY GURGLING)

And they can't kind of
see outside of that.

I wasn't allowed to date,

girls weren't allowed
to call the house.

When I got to college,

there was a ton
of Indian people, right,

most of the girls, they, I
called them "Snapback girls,"

those were the ones
that I always went after...

I didn't date anyone, till...

They were never allowed
to date in high school, right,

or their whole lives,
so when they got to college,

the freedom, oh, my God!
And I was in a fraternity...

I don't know how to
really talk to men

in order to let them know that
I would be interested in them,

or how to like, play the game,

and like, you know,
have them hunt me,

or whatever they're
supposed to do.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

(DAD SPEAKING)

GEETA: Yeah, Mom,
come sit, let's do cheers!

GEETA: I love that we're celebrating
your anniversary in sweatpants.

Okay, cheers!

RAVI:
Happy anniversary.

-GEETA: Happy anniversary!
-MOM: Thank you. Happy anniversary to us!

My kids are the lovely kids.
(LAUGHTER)

I go upstairs.

She's sitting in a chair
or a stool or something.

Probably a little intimidated
because this guy is from America.

I was the one
who asked the questions.

And she never
asked me any question.

Which was a big set-up

Which was a big set-up because
she never opened her mouth there

because she never opened
her mouth there

but she never shut up
after the marriage.

(LAUGHTER)

MOM: But let me tell you,

when I talked to him, we
only talked maybe 10 minutes.

- DAD: And even then...
- MOM: And he made me laugh...

Like crazy.

I asked her, one of the
questions was, and this is true,

"How far have you traveled?"

(LAUGHTER)

She said, "I traveled all
the way to Pavagadh."

Now, Pavagadh
is only 30 miles away.

(LAUGHTER)

GEETA:
So she thought that was far?

To her that was a big
accomplishment, I guess.

(LAUGHTER)

Vasant, that's not true.

I mean, you know, how
can I disappoint her in life

when she's happy
with 30-mile travel?

(LAUGHTER)

DAD: But you know what
the bottom line is, Ravi?

I still believe,
when you are ready,

you will find a girl.

Just like a guru, they said
in the Bhagavad Gita.

Bhagavad Gita says, "When
you are ready for a guru,

"you don't ever look for a guru."

"Guru will come to you."

RAVI: I know that, I know that at
the end of all these failed dates,

you guys just see failure.

But what I see

is that it's helped me
figure out what I want.

I see progress.

I see that, oh, I've figured
out that, you know what...

(MOM SPEAKING GUJARATI)

DAD: (IMITATING RAVI)

(LAUGHTER)

DAD: (IMITATING RAVI)

(LAUGHTER) (IMITATING RAVI)
But you know what, I'm learning.

I'm learning. Now I know
what kind of girl I want.

RAVI:
Oh, I got a ticket.

God.

GEETA: Oh, God.

Do you have to do it this way?

(EXHALES)

PEJ: Ready?

RAVI: (CLEARS THROAT)

Okay, ready?

Okay. (BREATHES DEEPLY)

Hey, can I talk to you
for a sec?

- SUNKRISH: Not really.
- RAVI: So, what do you think?

Notice anything different?

Hair color,
trying to age myself up.

You're anticipating
a little bit.

RAVI: I am?
A little bit.

Ready?

(SUNKRISH SPEAKING)

Yeah, please.

All right, here.

What are you doing?
I'm taking it off.

You're taking it off?
I'm taking it right off.

Did I tell you Audrey made
me a good-luck cake?

SUNKRISH: What's going on? This
is like the unhealthiest relationship.

It's the unhealthiest
non-relationship.

GEETA: And then I came home
and she was there.

I came to your house
and she was there!

GEETA: Why did you not tell me
that you guys were hanging out?

RAVI: Well, I wasn't trying
to, like, hide it from you.

I mean, I was trying
to hide it from you,

but it just wasn't a big deal.

I mean, we ran into each other
one day

and the next thing you know,
we're like, laughing

about how miserable
dating can be.

And it was good
to just be friends.

GEETA:
But there are rules, like,

when you break up,
there are rules

that you have to follow that...

- About how the break-up goes.
- RAVI: Yeah, but we spent time apart.

We were both dating other
people, so it's not like we weren't...

You know, it's not like
we were trying to

get back together or anything,
we were just hanging out.

You guys were barely dating
other people, it hadn't been that long.

We were best friends.

DAD:
I got this girl here in Boston

and when we're going
to the wedding there,

there's a girl named Seema

that I really want him
to meet her.

GEETA:
Did you tell him already?

No, I'm gonna call him
and let him know,

but I just wanted
to let you know,

But I think, since we are
going to be there anyway,

it would be nice
to meet with her.

RAVI: I remember, Mom
calls me up and she goes,

"My prince, big wedding season."

"My prince, hit the girls."

(MUSIC PLAYING)

RAVI:
Beginning of wedding season!

(MUSIC PLAYING)

(CROWD CHEERING)

WEDDING SINGER: ♪ If
the sky that we look upon

♪ Should tumble and fall

♪ And the mountains
should crumble to the sea ♪

(DAD SPEAKING)

But, how are we going to
set it up, let's talk about it.

It's not going to happen
automatically. MOM: Yeah.

RAVI: No, no, no,
do not do that,

that's where you guys
go too far,

I'm telling you
I'm gonna take care of it.

I don't want you guys jumping in

and getting all these
other people involved,

that's when it becomes
embarrassing.

We're not going to do anything
you don't want us to do.

Okay? It's given.

Okay, just, then relax,
then. We're done.

When you talk to her,

she may not know
why you are talking to her.

Don't be shy, talk to her, man.

We'll support you,
my dear, don't worry...

We'll support you.
You are my son.

I'm telling you, you guys
are treating me like I'm, like,

socially retarded, I'm...

I'm very good socially.

DAD: Ravi, you are socially good,
except when it comes to marriage.

Marriage, right.

Don't just look at her and say
"Oh, I don't like her."

I don't do that.

You guys think I do that,
but you just...

you're so desperate for me
to like someone

that you don't trust
when I make my own choices

and I give everyone
a fair chance.

MOM: To like somebody, you've
got to get to know somebody.

DAD: I'm saying at least
talk to the person.

Why do you love Mom and Dad?

Because you've been with them
for all these years.

So if you...

Take a little interest...
RAVI: Okay.

...and you know
what will happen,

if nothing,
let's say you do not like,

you may say that, "Oh, my
friend might be right for her."

- MOM: Ah.
- DAD: Introduce to a friend.

This is the most
unnecessary pep speech

I've ever gotten in my life.

MOM: Yeah. Okay, let's go.

DAD: Geeta, are we done,
my dear?

(MUSIC PLAYING)

(GEETA SPEAKING)

Yeah I did.

I don't like her.

(GEETA SPEAKING)

What do you mean how
do you know, you just know.

I don't like her.

So, put your camera away.

GEETA: Was that Mom?

I told Mom and Dad,
I'm like, "Hey, she's great",

"like, she's a really great
person, but,"

"I'm not really into her."

GEETA: Mmm-hmm.

You know, in that way.

By no fault of her own,
I'm just...

GEETA: Yeah.

You know and, uh...

they're like, "Well, just,
just talk to her."

And I'm like, okay, but,
I mean, I'll talk to her,

But, like, it's just weird.

GEETA: Mmm-hmm.

Like, I'm supposed
to call her now on Friday

and it's just like, ugh.

I am so afraid of hurting other
people's feelings. GEETA: Me too!

Like, I feel really bad, like,

she's like a great girl,

and I don't want her to think
that I'm rejecting her.

Because that's not really
what it is.

GEETA: Yeah.
You guys have it harder

because you have to actually
approach the women.

Or, you know,
culturally, that's...

It's easy for women,
women just have to be.

You just have to be.
And...

Then... ugh.

GEETA: You know what?
I realized it's not easy,

because I thought
we just had to be,

but I think
that's why I'm single

because I didn't know
this whole eye contact thing,

like, you have to actually

allow someone...
What's the eye contact thing?

GEETA: Well, I don't really...

I never did eye contact
growing up, like you have...

We have to give you guys
a signal that,

"Yeah, we're interested."

Or like, "Yeah, I at least
acknowledge that you exist."

If a girl's looking around,
you have to look right at her,

which is really scary.

Well, what's the difference
between that and staring?

'Cause I know how to stare.

♪ (MUSIC PLAYING)

I'm excited because

Ravi promised me five grandkids.

You appear to be not promising,

but sort of leaning
towards three.

Which makes it
a potential eight.

Ravi gave me,
one five-year time period.

Guaranteed, almost.

You are noncommittal.

But I assume same time period.

(GEETA SPEAKING)

Hey, listen.

GEETA: It's been easy sailing
until now.

Life is a commitment.

So you have to make some
commitments. GEETA: Mmm.

(THUNDER)

(DOOR OPENS)
RAVI: Hello.

GEETA: Hello.

What's up? GEETA: Someone
didn't come home last night.

Yeah.

GEETA: You're an idiot.

RAVI: What?

What?

GEETA: Were you at Audrey's?

We didn't do nothing,
we just fell asleep.

Well, she cooked me,
we like, made dinner,

then we watched a movie
and fell asleep.

GEETA: Okay.

So.

GEETA: So are you going
to get back together with her?

RAVI: Audrey and I met

when we both worked
in the same bar,

and we had been friends
for a few years.

But all of a sudden,
we started hanging out a lot,

and then one night she came
over to watch a movie,

and that was when things, you
know, started to get a little weird.

You know, towards,
as the movie went on,

we'd slowly kinda
cuddle a little bit

but in very non-committal
cuddling, so our toes,

like I think our feet started
getting closer together

and then next thing you know,
our legs...

I was so nervous
that I was like,

I remember
I was stuttering a lot, "Um..."

"Do, do you think we should,
um, like we should uh, like,

"this is, like, this is weird
right?" (GEETA LAUGHS)

And she was looking at me
and then she just goes...

(GEETA LAUGHS)

And of course, to me, the
bury-the-head-in-the-pillow

was like a bad sign
because that's the only way

I'm willing to interpret
any situation with a girl,

is like rejection.

She was really nervous too.

I was like, should we start
dating or something, or...

(GEETA LAUGHING)

And she was like,
"Yeah, I guess,"

and then I walked
her to her car,

and I'm saying bye, and like,
this is the first time

it's been this kind of a bye.

I was like, "Well,
should we kiss?"

She goes like, "Yeah, I guess,"

and then we go in
and it's like a kiss,

and it is the worst kiss
in the history of kisses.

Like it was disgusting,
you know,

because it was so forced
and uncomfortable

and we were friends.

Any man would have handled
that better than me, I think.

And so there was a lot
of just self-loathing.

- GEETA: Right.
- RAVI: And at the same time,

I don't remember ever feeling
that level of exhilaration

in terms of happiness
and just excitement

that this was happening.

GEETA: Even though
you had a bad kiss too?

But the second one
was incredible.

MOM: My sister has her son
living with her

and she has three kids,
grandkids,

and I don't know how to tell
you, it's very rewarding, peaceful,

I tell you they are just simply,

I call them they are happy,
happy, happy family, you know.

But what can I say,
America is different.

And that's the only thing
I regret about myself

that I wish
I didn't come that early

because my kids would have
been maybe somewhat different,

and I could have had a similar
life to what my family has.

Family-wise,
staying together and all that.

(GEETA SPEAKING)

Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah,

because they came
later on in the life,

so their beliefs are different.

When I came to United States,
there were not Indians,

so you know,
we had to compromise the life

and we did, and uh,

and when you compromise,
you pay the price for it, you know.

And that is the price
we are paying for it

right now, I think.

GEETA: We're happy, though!

We're happy. GEETA:
And we are gonna be happy,

we are gonna be
just as happy as them.

We are happy.
We are different,

but we are happy, yeah.

(PHONE RINGS)

(MOM SPEAKING)

Hey, Ma.

Yeah, there's serious
interest, send it to me.

MOM: (ON PHONE)
Okay.

MOM:
(SPEAKING IN GUJARATI)

Ma, ah... (SIGHS)

Mom, Mom, do you guys
remember the conversation we had

about you guys sending me
girls that are, that are American?

Okay, okay, okay.

She's from India, she's
overweight, and she's an engineer?

Yeah.
That's not the best pitch.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

RAVI: If the bio-data thing
doesn't work,

if the Internet dating
doesn't work,

if you're still not able
to meet her at a wedding,

or say a motel owners expo,
there's still one last shot

at meeting
the perfect Patel girl.

The Patel convention.

People get together
for two or three days

and purpose was to bring
their boy and a girl,

children together,

and they have programs
and dance and speeches

and all that, basically
to see if you can find...

Just like a business expo.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

We have a sheet and you're going
to go to people of the opposite sex

and you're gonna go
introduce yourself

- and go see if they can fill out a box.
- Okay.

PRESIDENT OF CONVENTION:
There's already one marriage out of it,

somebody that met last year
is already married

and there's another couple
that's almost there.

RAVI: 1:30 to 5:00,
Icebreakers.

Three and a half hours
of icebreakers!

I can't think of a more efficient
way to meet women though.

BANK: I rarely meet Indian
girls that I like talking to.

I'm getting in the practice
of like, pursuing women,

which, unfortunately,
I'm almost 30 years old

and I really genuinely
feel like I'm bad at it.

BANK: Well, you're Indian,
you're not going to be good.

(LAUGHTER)

So if a girl has Georgia

and a boy has Atlanta,
you guys match up, okay?

I hope you guys know
your states and capitals.

I don't like how I look.

My hair, I look ridiculous.

Geeta, this is fine, right?

GEETA: Mmm-hmm.
It is, right?

Why doesn't anyone tell me
how stupid I look?

Did you see any guys
down there you like, Geets?

GEETA: No.

(ELEVATOR PINGING)

BANK: A bunch of Indians
in business casual,

they probably just thought it's
like an engineering conference.

RAVI: They've got to think
it's absolutely fascinating.

I'm sure they're all
just in there making faces.

BANK: Yeah, they're white,
they don't get it.

(LAUGHTER)

We have to kind of do
one of these.

RAVI: (LAUGHING)
They don't get it.

BANK: It's like, required.

RAVI: "They're white, they
don't get it." (CHUCKLING)

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Hey, I'm Ravi.
GIRL: LA!

RAVI: Yeah.
Anisha.

Hey, I'm Ravi. Hey,
I'm Ravi. Hey, I'm Ravi.

Hey, I'm Ravi. Hey, I'm Ravi.

I try to stay away from Canada

as much as possible.
GIRL: Why?

My mom and dad keep on
calling me over and over again.

RAVI: This is
exhausting, isn't it?

GIRL: ...animal sounds.

Is that what you do? You just find
other people making your noise?

Meow.
MAN: Meow.

Oh yeah. Hey, I'm Ravi.

Anisha.
Nice to meet you.

Are you good at this?
No.

Hey, I'm Ravi,
oh wait, we already met.

RAVI: Nice to meet you too.

Nice to meet you too.

This is fun. It's weird and
fun at the same time, yeah.

Yeah, I think we should do
this all the time.

This is great,
wait, what's next?

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION)

(MUSIC PLAYING)

(MOM ON PHONE)

GEETA: I... um.

I mean, I emailed him
and he didn't email me back.

It's that simple.

What are you going through?

Mom, but that's not true.

"Ravi, this is my first problem,

"our friendship isn't based
on friendship anymore.

"I wish it were. Our friendship
is based, at least on my part,

"in my hope that we
will work out.

"I will be honest with you,

"I don't have an interest
in just being your friend,

"I have an interest
in being your partner,

"I have an interest
in making sure you're happy

"and healthy and moving
forward in your life,

"but I have an interest
in doing that by your side.

"I'm not trying to be dramatic
or emotional, just practical.

"I wish more than anything
that we could be just friends,

"but I think at this point,
it's impossible.

"I need to remove you
from my life.

"It's too difficult for me to
move forward if you are around."

"I'll always be grateful
for the friendship and love"

"we were able to have."

GEETA: Oh, man.

I don't know how
I could handle, like,

not being friends with her,
that's the toughest part for me.

I know it's immature
on my part but like,

you know, like, I think I could,

I really think I could,
I could, I could,

not be with her and be okay.

You know?

GEETA: Did you love her?

I think so, I don't really
have anything else to...

But yeah, I mean, like...

GEETA: Like, what's love?

I don't know what love is,
that's why, I mean.

I don't know. I know
that, you know...

I know that...

I know that I care
a lot about her

and she cares a lot about me

and we know
each other inside out,

and, she makes me a better
person in so many ways.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

RAVI: That weekend, we went
and visited a bunch of family

in Iowa, and they're all,
you know, vintage Patels.

(MUTED CONVERSATION)

(SINGING BHAJANS)

RAVI: They all live
under the same roof

as their parents with
their kids. GEETA: Yeah.

RAVI: You know,
in fact, our cousins represent

what Mom and Dad
wanted us to be.

(SPEAKING IN GUJARATI)

For both of you,
it's time to get married.

(SPEAKING IN GUJARATI)

(LAUGHING)

(SPEAKING IN GUJARATI)

It said in the Scriptures
that you should marry early

so your mind is fixated
on a certain individual

before it starts
fluttering away.

RAVI: I was looking around,

and our extended family
represents

a version of life that
I always thought I would have,

and for the first time
I was starting to doubt

whether or not
that's what I'd end up with.

But then I was also scared of,

in the pursuit
of all these things,

ending up alone.

I think, first thing
we should talk about

is how much do you
respect this process

that parents or whoever
can screen and can do it?

RAVI: I have a ton of respect
for the process, in fact, I...

Are you giving that respect

when we say, "Meet this girl"?

No, because I don't...

DAD:
And if you don't meet,

if that respect is not
understood by the children

and children casually throw,

"Oh, I don't like this,
I don't click."

That is when I tell Mom,

I say, "You know what,
forget it",

"we are not going to do this."

Because they think we found
these online somewhere at random

that we don't know
anything about this

and that we throw them because
we want to get them married in hurry

and we don't care
who they get married with.

MOM: I really believe,
my prince,

you are not being fair
to yourself.

You are not giving yourself
enough chance,

you are not giving your life
a fair chance.

It is a mindset.

GEETA: We don't have
the same mindset you do,

and honestly, I don't even
have the same mindset.

That is why, Geeta,
you are not married,

and I'm telling
you the reasoning.

If you are ready to know
that why Geeta is not married,

why other people
are getting married

then I'm going to tell you
the differences, my dear,

that the other girls are in
the mindset to get married,

they don't want to
just reject right away.

They want to get to know
people, they meet second time,

they talk to them on the phone,

they just don't go on
and on, rejecting like you,

"No, no, no, not this".

My point is not getting
married and staying single

is the biggest loser you can be.

(MUSIC ON RADIO)

RISHIKA: I said yes to him,
but when I did say yes...

I didn't say yes, I said, "Yes,
I guess", when he asked me.

PETE: "Yeah, I guess,"
you said. You didn't say yes.

He's like, "Will you
marry me?" and I'm like...

PETE: You said,
"I'm gonna throw up",

and then you said,
"Yeah, I guess".

But I did marry him twice.

One Catholic wedding
and one Sikh wedding.

Yeah, we did two weddings.

So we, that was the beginning
of our compromise.

Like I walked down the aisle
wearing a white dress

to, Here Comes the Bride,

like, literally, laughing
the whole time

because I thought
it was so absurd.

I came down a street

on a horse, wearing a
turban, carrying a sword.

Pete's Catholic, so we said
that our kids will be baptized.

And I negotiated the communion,

but I couldn't get
confirmation. Confirmation.

She said that was
brainwashing. It's CCD.

I don't know
if I said brainwashing.

You said brainwashing,
you really did, Oh, okay.

(LAUGHING)
And quite honestly,

I'm still hoping we can open
up that conversation

and continue the
negotiation down the road.

Honestly, I don't know much
about Catholicism.

-I got you 'Catholicism For Dummies.'
-I got it, I know,

I haven't finished reading
my 'Catholicism For Dummies.'

We don't thank Jesus,
we thank God.

- We thank God, because we both share God...
- 'Cause Jesus isn't God really.

You have Guru Nanak,
I have Jesus.

But see they're gurus,
both Jesus and Guru Nanak,

They're both gurus,
they're not Gods.

Dude, you can't
call Jesus a guru.

I think he's...
He's not a guru.

♪ Have yourself
a merry little Christmas ♪

AUTOMATED VOICE:
You have no messages.

♪ Let your heart be light

♪ From now on

♪ Our troubles
will be out of sight ♪

(LAUGHTER)

(AUDREY AND FRIENDS SINGING)

DAD: Isn't this a cute
picture, Ravi?

(RAVI SPEAKING)

(DAD SPEAKING)

RAVI: Have you guys ever
considered getting a clothesline?

DAD: Why do you think we
can afford a million dollar house?

Because we don't waste money.

(LAUGHS)

RAVI:
I love this picture.

This is like the closest

an Indian picture
ever gets to kissing.

(MOM LAUGHS)

DAD: This would be considered
obscene by some people.

DAD: Geeta.
Hey, this is Geeta.

(LAUGHING) And this is Geeta.
And this is Geeta.

(SIGHS)

(SIGHS) I waited until
you left for the gym,

I waited until you left
for the gym,

because I knew we could
not do this on camera,

and I didn't want to run
the risk of you being around.

So, Mom and Dad
were both in the kitchen,

Mom was cooking,
Dad was reading at a table.

And I just sat down, and I said,

"Hey, I need to tell you guys
something. (EXHALES)

"And I don't know
any other way to say this,

"but before we went to India,

"I had been dating
this girl for two years.

"And I never told you about
her and I'm sorry about that."

"But we broke up
just before the trip."

Then Dad looks up,
and asks "Well, wait",

"so all this bio-data stuff,
this was a lie?"

I told him,

"No, we broke up, but
every time I went on a date,"

"I think I was comparing
them to Audrey."

Mom was just staring
at the floor.

And then, she goes,
"Well, do you still love her?"

And I just said,
"I don't know."

And then,
that's when you came home.

GEETA: Dad, how's your
trip going? Turn around.

DAD: Trip is going terrific.

We are having great time, Geeta.

Very good time.

GEETA: Mom, how's your
trip going?

(MOM SPEAKING)

Mom, the way I look at the way
you're handling this right now,

is... I consider the way you're handling
this... Put that camera down right now!

(DAD SPEAKING INDISTINTCLY)

RAVI: There's a mature way...

(MOM SPEAKING)

(DAD SPEAKING)

(MOM SPEAKING)

DAD: I know mom.

And you know how great
a person she is.

She is emotionally just...

Taken away, and she
is very emotional.

And she'll come around.

I really trust both of you
guys for the decisions.

I may disagree,

I may do different things,

but who are we that we always
know what is right, you know?

We don't know always
what is right.

RAVI: After I told them
about Audrey, they were...

In shock.

You know, Dad was coping with
it, we were communicating,

but with Mom, it got really bad.

GEETA: She barely spoke
with you during that time.

Her and I couldn't seem to
communicate, and I don't...

I mean, I don't think it was coincidental,
I mean, we just started fighting.

About everything, like,
little things,

and I was home one day and...

I just kind of sat her
down and I was like,

"What is this,
what's happening?"

I was like, "I don't understand, like
I feel like I can't make you happy"

"with anything I do, and I just
don't feel like I'm your son anymore."

She says, "You know, it's not that
you might not marry an Indian girl."

"It's that you lied to me
for so long."

"That you could do that."

And I just said I was sorry,

and that I won't lie
to you again.

GEETA: Okay.

GEETA: All right. Okay?

RAVI: Okay.

GEETA: I used to think that the
way I was feeling, my struggle,

was because of them.

And then one day they came
to visit me and I started crying,

I was just like, you know,

"I don't even date any guys,"

"I don't do anything, and I feel
so... Like my hands are tied."

I said, "I feel like I
have to marry an Indian."

Dad stopped me and he said,

"I want you to know that
no matter what you do,"

"we love you and
we'll accept it."

And he said, "Nothing matters
more to me than you being happy."

I thought that I would
feel different.

I thought that I would feel
like the weight had been lifted.

And when I drove home,
the weight was still there.

And I realized that
it wasn't them, it was me.

I was scared

that if I married a white guy,
even if it was okay with them,

that somehow, I would be
letting myself down.

(MOM AND RAVI SPEAKING)

Don't give me too much
food, Mom.

Okay.

You want vaal, my prince?
You want chole?

GEETA: Mom, you're like a
traveling... You're like a food truck.

Like world hunger progr...

(DAD SPEAKING)

Ten minutes, okay.
You want tuvaro?

Mmm. Yeah.
Tuvaro? Okay.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

You want samosas?

GEETA: No, I'm okay right now.

You're okay, so I'm giving
you samosas then.

Give her some, okay?
Because I know she will like it.

DAD: Ravi...

This whole year...

You met different girls
from all over,

and I really want to know,
what have you learned?

You know, when we
were doing this, you know,

it was very much about
finding that Patel girl,

but I honestly, like, I
don't... after doing all this,

the one thing I feel like I've learned
is that I don't... I don't need that.

You know? I mean, I still
want that, but I don't need...

DAD: What do you mean?

Well, like, I don't need
her to be...

DAD: Indian. Yeah, I
don't need her to be Indian.

RAVI: Mom, what
would you think?

Mom, what would you think if I
ended up with a girl who wasn't Indian,

but she's Indian in
every way that you want?

She has a beautiful family and
she's a family-orientated person,

and she loves me
and she loves you guys.

If she learns how to cook Indian food
with you and you love hanging out with her?

Are you cool with it?

Are you cool with her just
not being Indian?

I would just love whoever you
fall in love with, my dear.

I would be just happy...
DAD: I would be happy.

...the one you find.

And I mean it, too.
So, Ravi...

I just want you to get
married now. Seriously.

DAD: Bottom line is,
go and get married.

Make a decision.

Time is running by...

(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING)

DAD: Let me tell you
one thing,

with the girl you get married,

you will never know her enough.

Never know enough.

Even after 35 years
of marriage...

- MOM: He still doesn't know me.
- DAD: It's still a discovery.

So if you think,
"I want to know her enough,"

that's an impo... that's why you get married,
and that's the fun of getting married,

because you keep discovering.

RAVI: Yeah.

You know, after 35 years
we tell each other,

"Oh, you don't understand me."

Now, after 35 years,
I don't understand her.

You're gonna know
somebody in two years?

(LAUGHTER)

I do, I tell him that.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

GEETA: What do you say, Mom? DAD:
And you know what, Ravi? After 35 years...

RAVI: She goes, "I do, I tell
him that."

DAD: Ravi, after 35 years...

She's still trying to change me.

(LAUGHTER)

And I keep telling her.
MOM: And you, too!

Let's not have one
way here. DAD: Okay.

So...
Thank you.

(LAUGHTER)

Every day,

"You should have done that,"
and, "You should be not doing this,"

and he should be doing this,
I should not be doing this.

RAVI: And how do
you handle this?

And I'm like, "Go to sleep."

(LAUGHTER)

That's right.

(L-O-V-E SONG PLAYING)

♪ I is for the way
you look at me

♪ O is for the only one I see

♪ V is very, very
extraordinary ♪

RAVI: Let me catch you
up to speed.

In December, I broke up
with Audrey.

He needs therapy.

I then went to India,
then back to America,

then did some bio-dating...

Don't do anything
sneaky with the camera.

...Internet dating,

marriage conventions...

Meow!

...and weddings.

Don't be shy, talk to her, man.

The next December,
I told my parents the truth.

In March, I started
yet another dating system.

The "Ravi dates whoever makes him happy,
kind of like a normal person" system.

Um...

I think part of the problem

was I was carrying this
picture around in my head

of who I was going to marry,

when really, that's just
not how it works.

It was time to just allow the world
to put that picture together for me.

And it worked.

I found the girl that
I really, really liked,

and for the first time I could
see what I really wanted.

I liked her, and I had to
beg her to like me back.

GEETA: You really begged.

RAVI: Well, it was
the only option.

GEETA: Like, you really begged.
RAVI: Yeah, we get it. Okay.

You really begged.

Do you want me to say something?

(LAUGHTER)

RAVI: It was great, I was
starting a relationship truthfully

for the first time.

And just letting it be
whatever it was going to be.

That said, Mom and Dad still didn't
understand the concept of dating.

(MOM AND DAD SPEAKING)

Okay. Geeta!
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Can you stop
the camera now, Geeta?

RAVI: Yeah, turn
that off, please. It just...

Yeah, Geeta, there's
no reason for it now.

(POP MUSIC PLAYING)

Oh, my God!

RAVI: How did it go?

(RAVI AND GEETA SPEAKING)

RAVI: Just be yourself!

What's the big deal?
It's just a camera!

How does it make you feel?
Dad, tell me,

how does it make you feel
that Geeta just went on a date?

Geeta, tell me, what is love?

(LAUGHING)

(POP MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING)

(SWING MUSIC PLAYING)