Meet the Hollowheads (1989) - full transcript
The Hollowheads are a normal, loving, futuristic, middle class family who live in a dystopian, corporate-controlled, The Jetsons (1962)-type future world populated with many cool gadgets and some alien creatures. Henry, the pacifist head of the family, is hoping for a promotion at the slime factory where he works, and when his sleazy boss invites himself to the Hollowheads family dinner, Henry mistakes this for a sign that his moment has finally come. However, when his boss shows his dark, horny, perverted and rude side at the dinner table, and crosses all the lines when he starts verbally abusing Henry and sexually harassing his lovely wife, the family has no choice but to come together and fight back.
(circus music)
(whistle blowing)
- Operator, Operator?
- [Operator] Operator, how may I help you?
- Yes, thank you, Operator,
I'd like tube 6-7-6-0-6, please.
- [Billy] That's my dad!
Hi, I'm Billy Hollowhead,
and this is about that terrible shift
when my father brought
his boss home for dinner.
Of course, I had problems
of my own that shift.
But then, we all did.
(rock music)
- [Operator] You are speaking to she.
- Hello, Miriam, uh, listen, dear,
I know how you hate it when I bring
unexpected guests home for dinner, but--
- [Miriam] What?
- Yeah, yes.
Yes, dear, dinner.
But, but you'll never guess who.
My new boss, Miriam,
this will be our chance to reach out
and grab that brass tube.
Opportunity is knocking here, I feel it,
my promotion is just around the bend!
- [Miriam] Oh, but this
always happens, I--
- [Henry] Operator?
- [Miriam] Hello?
- [Henry] Operator?
- [Miriam] Henry? Henry?
♪ Once upon a time in a different place ♪
♪ With some runners in the human race ♪
♪ They weren't quite
the same as you and me ♪
♪ Their family fell out
of a different tree ♪
♪ Henry Hollowhead is a daddy dude ♪
♪ Working all shift just
to bring home the food ♪
♪ United Umbilical is where he works ♪
♪ The best meter reader
this part of Earth ♪
♪ Miriam's a lady of his dreams ♪
♪ She cooks and sews,
she's a domicile queen ♪
♪ She picks Henry up when
his spirits get low ♪
♪ When things wanna stop,
she's the one that says go ♪
♪ Now Bud is the rabbit
food of their loins ♪
♪ Plays a little music
to pick up some coin ♪
♪ His pet chicken, sings like a bird ♪
♪ While Bud plays the strangest
music you ever heard ♪
♪ Cindy, the daughter, just turned 14 ♪
♪ Got a woman's engine
in a girl's machine ♪
♪ Her hormones are
screaming adult desires ♪
♪ As often angelic as fuel for the fire ♪
♪ Hollowhead last is Billy the boy ♪
♪ He's got a dog named Spike,
he's got a splat-spray toy ♪
♪ He thinks on his feet
and he keeps things cool ♪
♪ He may be young, but
he's nobody's fool ♪
- How's it going here?
Oh, it's nice and quiet for a change.
I was just trying to think
what I'd fix for dinner.
Yes.
Yes, I remember when
you told me about him.
Oh, Henry, that's wonderful news.
After this shift?
Oh, honey, I know he's your new boss
and we've gotta make a good impression,
but, but, but, the house is a mess,
and I have no idea what to fix.
Hmm, I'll have to get
the children to help.
I know, I want this promotion
just as badly as you do.
Yes.
Yes, it'll be just fine, dear, you'll see!
Yes, dear, I love you too.
Alright, bye.
Oh, Henry, one of these days,
you're gonna drive me right to the edge.
I don't even know where to start.
(screaming)
Billy, what are you doing here?
- Same thing I'm always doing
at this time, coming home.
- Well make some noise next
time, you gave me a fright.
- Was that Dad?
- Yes, and he's got me
very worried right now,
he's bringing his new boss home for dinner
so we can try and get that new promotion,
and I am going to need you to be
on your very best behavior, Billy.
Billy,
what happened to your face?
- My, my face?
- Why, Billy Hollowhead,
you have got a black eye.
- I do?
- Yes, you do!
How did it happen?
- Well, I don't know.
- Billy, who gave it to you?
- I don't remember.
- Well, I guess we're gonna
have to let your father
get to the bottom of this.
Oh.
- Yes, ma'am.
- And in the meantime, we
can't very well have you meet
your father's new boss with
a black eye, now can we?
- I could go over to Joey's.
- Absolutely not, I need
you here to help me,
and besides, I'm sure your father
is gonna want you here for dinner.
- Come on, Mom, it's just a black eye,
not even a very black black eye,
you don't need to use that.
- Come here.
- Mom, I really don't want this.
- Billy.
- Mom, I really don't like this.
- Shush.
- But my eye feels fine now.
- [Miriam] Stop being childish.
- No.
- Oh, I almost forgot
the most important thing.
(circus music)
(dramatic music)
(comedic music)
(dramatic music)
(comedic music)
(Billy groaning)
- Hey, Mrs. H.
- Hi, Joey.
- And what's the latest
drain in these parts?
- Why, we're just taking
care of Billy's black eye.
Say, Joey, you wouldn't
happen to know anything
about how he got that, would you?
- Well.
- I might be able to come up
with a nice snack for you both.
- Okay, it was Johnny.
- You promised, Joey!
- He said that Billy's dad was nothing
but a spineless pipe polisher,
and Billy stood up to
him, but not for long.
- I see.
(creature sucking)
- Why'd you have to tell, Joey?
- I guess I'm just not
as brave as you are.
- Now see, Billy, that
wasn't so bad, was it?
I guess you boys have
earned two of my specials.
- Great.
- Good, two specials,
coming right up.
(animal squealing)
- Here Mom.
- Thanks.
(squealing)
(comedic music)
There you go, boys.
And doesn't your eye feel better now?
- Yeah Mom, thanks.
- And try not to make a mess in there.
- [Billy] We won't Mom.
- Now what am I gonna fix for dinner?
- You've got it all, a mom, a room,
homemade specials.
I get my flesh thinned.
Hi there, thanks.
Pecoriam.
(dreamy music)
Smooth move.
You got a new splat-spray game.
Come on, help me.
All right, stand by,
for maximum propulsion.
- No wait, you've got to
start with splatter panels.
- Come on, that speed's for babies.
- Oh okay, my turn, my turn.
(upbeat music)
- That's a super fluid idea.
(knocking)
(comedic music)
- Uh oh, Mom's in a cooking mood.
- Come on, don't be a squirt.
Where is he?
- Who?
- Spike.
- [Billy] Joey.
You're gonna get us in trouble.
- Spike, come here Spike.
- Joey, my mom doesn't want him in here.
He's infested.
- I know that.
Come here, come here Spike.
- Billy?
- [Billy] Yeah Mom.
- I hope you weren't
thinking of letting Spike in.
- [Billy] We weren't Mom.
- Because he needs a good depenetration.
- No, no.
- Taking Spike back out, right now.
Great, I lied to my Mom.
I'm in really big trouble.
- Be a man.
Stand up to her.
- [Billy] You really do
need a depenetration.
Hope they didn't lay any eggs on you.
He should feel a little better now.
Don't you Spike?
Joey, you're gonna make a mess.
- Pipe down too bloob.
We're just gonna have some fun.
(rock music)
♪ We been sittin' in this
class for a hundred years ♪
♪ Just waiting for the bell to ring ♪
♪ The second hand's moving
about a minute a tick ♪
♪ Instead of switching
like a top on a string ♪
- You're sick.
♪ Working on nothing till
I waltz through the door ♪
♪ There's just 20 more seconds to live ♪
♪ 19, 18, come on down ♪
♪ School day's gone and I'm free ♪
♪ Just a kid looking for a good time ♪
(lyrics muffled)
♪ I'm just a kid looking for a good time ♪
- What's pumpin'?
- Oh Bud dear, could you do me a favor?
- No, I can't, I gotta practice and go.
- But Bud, your father
has invited his new boss
over for dinner tonight, and I--
- And you thought I would stay
home and help you out, right?
- Well Bud--
- Dad promised I could play at the party.
- All right, but you send
your brother down here to me.
Right now.
♪ I got places to go,
I got people to see ♪
♪ I got money for the video arcade ♪
♪ The weekend's coming and
the folks are leaving town ♪
♪ There's party plans being made ♪
♪ I'm just a kid looking for a good time ♪
(lyrics muffled)
♪ I'm just a kid looking for a good time ♪
♪ Come on ♪
- Whoa, pipe squeak.
You are really gonna get it this time,
'cause Mom, she wants
to see you right now.
Of course maybe I'd just better tell her
why you can't come.
- You're not gonna tell her, are you?
- Why not?
Unless you can make it worth my while.
- What do I have to do?
- Feed Grandpa for my next three turns.
- Three turns?
That's not fair.
- Four then.
That's the deal, take it or leave it.
- Okay.
See, I told you we'd get in trouble.
Start cleaning up.
(exotic music)
- Hi.
- Oh Cindy, thank goodness you're home.
Your father invited his
new boss over for dinner,
and I need your help.
- What is this Mom, a cranium fog?
You can't do this to me, Dad
said I could go to the party.
- What?
That is for dinner.
Cindy, can't you at least be here
when your father gets home?
I mean, I need all the help I can get,
and I can't even hear myself think
with that racket going on.
- Go slow Mom, I'll tell Bud to choke it.
(bizarre music)
Bud, Mom says to pinch it off.
- Hey, you know the words, right?
So let's flow.
♪ I feel good about myself ♪
♪ Would not be anyone else ♪
♪ I feel good about myself ♪
♪ Would not be anyone else ♪
♪ I feel good about myself ♪
♪ I would not be anyone else ♪
♪ I feel good about myself ♪
- Cindy, Bud, quiet!
- [Miriam] I have to get running anyway.
- Hey sis, not bad.
- You've still got some on your neck.
- [Miriam] Billy?
Billy!
Scum squirts.
- Never heard your mother cuss before.
- Billy?
Could you run an errand for your mom?
- Sure, where, when?
- Billy, what is this all over your, yuck.
Every time you and Joey get
together, something bad happens.
I want you to change this shirt right now,
and get back here immediately,
or you will spend some time
in the punetration box.
- Sure, no problem.
I'll get right on it.
Well?
What next?
- [Cindy] Connie? Connie?
Pick it up.
Connie.
Connie!
- [Voice On Phone] Hello?
- Hi, Missus Gramus, is Connie there?
Connie, what took you so long?
Guess who asked me to the party.
No.
No.
Oh no, okay I'll tell you.
Oliver.
Yes, Oliver Digits.
Well of course he's a pathetic pipe seed,
but he's perfect.
He's about the only tuvoid my
parents would let me go with.
Yeah, it's great.
So what are you wearing?
You bought the flotation skirt?
With what?
And your mom went for it?
So I can borrow it, right?
Oh Connie, we're gonna have so much fun.
- Billy, my tubes are stuffed up again,
so I want you to take this list
to Stationmaster Babbleaxe,
and either get them to
unblock those lines,
or fill this list from
what they've got on hand.
- Right.
- Now, you know that I wouldn't send you
to the pumping station
unless I absolutely had to,
don't you?
- Yes, ma'am.
- So I want you to promise
me that you and Joey
will not get into any trouble there.
- Okay, I promise.
- Now, get going.
And don't stop anywhere else, boys.
- Don't worry, Mom.
- And stay away from the edge.
- No problem, Missus H.
- [Billy] Whenever Joey said, no problem,
I knew we were gonna have one.
As we walked to the pumping station,
Joey told me about our
friend, Seymour Legs.
It seems Seymour was playing
with his splat-spray game,
except he got caught
using his baby sister.
His parents were gonna put
him in the punetration box,
for just about ever.
So Seymour ran away.
Some people say he fell off the edge.
- [Joey] You know, I
don't believe in the edge.
That thing's just one
of those stupid things
parents make up.
- [Billy] But where'd he go, then?
- [Joey] I don't know.
I heard someone slide off the edge once.
- You did?
- Yeah.
I was out walking once,
and I heard these footsteps coming,
and then after a few seconds,
a scream that went.
(screaming)
And then nothin'.
- You haven't told me this story before.
(eerie music)
(dramatic orchestral music)
(gas blowing)
- Okay you rat-reaming tube slime,
when I say read, you say, what to.
You human fools,
I want a volunteer right now.
Give me a hero to go.
You, reamer, you're up.
Take 41-A.
- But that's the waste tube sir.
- And you are the waste.
Now in the tube.
- Sir this is my first reaming sir,
couldn't I take the 16-D sir?
(laughing)
- What kind of mama's little tube boys
are they sending me these days?
Now you get your passive
tubes into that pipe,
or I will wrap you around
the four-way gang valve,
is that understood?
- Aye sir.
- Go, move it, move it.
(screaming)
- Watch this.
- [Boss] Reamers, I want
you to make me proud.
- Joey.
- [Boss] I want you to
hit those tubes men,
and I want you to ream.
Everyone, let's get 'em.
(upbeat music)
- God, should have been having lunch.
- You tubal slime.
You let 'em get away.
- I was just gonna try and
get my mom's order filled.
(ominous music)
- [Cindy] Hey Mom?
- Yes, dear.
- [Cindy] Where's the softening jelly?
- It's right next to the fem stick dear.
Softening jelly?
(knocking on door)
- Yes?
- [Miriam] Cindy, can I come in?
- Sure Mom, the door's unlocked.
- Cindy, I--
- Yeah Mom.
- What did you want with
the softening jelly, dear?
- What all women want with it, Mother.
- Cindy,
don't you think you're a little too young
to be using softening jelly?
- Mom I'm 14, Connie's been
using it since she was 12.
- And if Connie wanted to jump
off the edge, would you, too?
Oh dear,
you know I have never
forbidden you anything,
just because I'm your
mother, and I said so.
We've always discussed
these things, haven't we?
But there are some things in this life
that you have to have a certain
maturity to handle.
- Come on Mom, you treat
my like I'm a child.
- Well you are a child.
Honey, do you know that I had
been married to your father
for a long time before I
even tried softening jelly?
- Well Mom, it's not like that anymore.
I mean, I just want to feel
nice, like everyone else.
- This wouldn't have anything
to do with Jeff, would it?
- Jeff who?
- You know which Jeff I'm talking about.
Who are you going to the party with?
- Oliver.
- Oliver?
Oliver Digits?
- Uh huh.
- Oh, he is such a nice young man.
I should have known your father
wouldn't give you permission
to go with just anyone.
Oh well, all right.
I guess you can use the softening jelly,
but in moderation, darling.
Don't start feeling too nice.
- Okay, thanks Mom.
- They grow up so fast.
- Miriam?
Honey, we're home.
- Delightful domicile, Hollowhead.
- Hello dear.
- Hello.
How's everything going?
- I want you to meet the new
head of United Umbilical,
Martin Crabneck.
- Oh, I am so pleased to
meet you, Mister Crabneck,
and congratulations are in order.
- Why thank you, Miriam.
- Excuse me.
- And permit me to say my dear,
that the pleasure is truly all mine.
(rock music)
♪ This thing that's going on tonight ♪
♪ And I am feeling so good ♪
♪ The boys are jumping so, tonight ♪
♪ They'd steal my heart of they could ♪
- I was just telling Henry here,
what a comfy little
place you have, Miriam.
- Oh well, we love it.
Well if you'll, if you'll excuse me
I still have a few more things
to pin down in the kitchen.
Henry, why don't you make a
drink for Mister Crabneck?
- Good idea, Miriam.
Oh we've got a rare libation
hopped in from the mid-outer
region that you must try.
It's very smooth, as the kids say.
♪ I will move on the night boys ♪
♪ Just as they will in me ♪
♪ First time out in the real world ♪
♪ Just to fill my needs ♪
♪ I feel good about myself ♪
♪ Would not be anyone else ♪
♪ I feel good ♪
- Yes indeed Hollowhead,
you've got a real homey place here.
You've done very well on your salary.
- Actually I'm glad you brought that up.
I've been meaning to
ask you about my salary.
- Later, Hollowhead.
You need to learn timing.
That's funny,
for a meter reader, your timing is rotten.
- I'm sorry, I didn't
mean to jump into it,
I'll try to work on my
timing, you're right.
- You don't work on timing Henry, timing,
timing is bred in the bone.
It's a talent.
You've either got it, or you don't.
Now, look at me, Hollowhead.
I've got it.
That's why I'm the regional president
of United Umbilical Housing Corporation.
And thousands, like you, are not.
Timing.
- But Mister Crabneck,
United Umbilical has been run
by a long line of Crabnecks.
- That's right, that's why
I'm president now, timing.
Right place at the right time,
but Hollowhead, you've insulted me.
I was not merely Umbilical born,
don't accuse me of nepotism.
I've got executive skills.
I've got a take-charge personality.
I was born to float to the top.
Now, what you're good at Henry,
is metering tubes, and that's it.
(rock music)
♪ I'm feeling right for me, tonight ♪
♪ And I just want it to start ♪
♪ Things will go right for me tonight ♪
♪ And I will light up the dark ♪
♪ Hide and seek is for children ♪
♪ Look and I will be there ♪
♪ I will be that enchantress ♪
♪ Put magic in the air ♪
♪ I feel good about myself ♪
♪ Would not be anyone else ♪
♪ I feel good about myself ♪
♪ Would not be anyone else ♪
♪ I feel good about myself ♪
♪ Would not be anyone else ♪
- So Mom, I am off to hit it big.
- Bud, you haven't eaten a thing.
- Mom, I gotta flow,
don't worry, I'm gonna grab
something at the party.
Oh you two little rooters
are ripping slugs again?
- Oh look, it's Mister Smooth.
- Whose air you gonna
pollute now, Mister Smooth.
- Hey cap it, pine pipe,
I'm floating right to the top.
- And we know what floats to the top.
- All right you two, cut that out.
- Bye Mom.
- Bye Bud.
- Say Mom, do you know anything
about what happened to Seymour Legs?
- I know that his parents brought him home
from the neighboring tube last shift.
- Here Mom.
- Oh good.
Oh Billy,
you need to go and get cleaned up, honey.
And Joey, you're gonna have to run along.
We have a guest for dinner.
- Okay.
Next time.
Tube slime.
- After a while womb file.
- Hi Jeff, I wrote a poem for you.
Yeah, you would?
Okay, I'll do it for you.
Whenever I'm with you,
my heart seems to burst,
like mainline fluid you're
quenching my thirst.
Your lips on mine, taste
of sweet tubal wine.
My body reeking of constant despair,
Jeff do you love me, Jeff do you care?
Let your essence go, take
my hand and let's flow
to a place no others would dare,
the tube of my dreams,
the tube to nowhere.
Billy.
How long have you been standing there?
- Oh Jeff, tube of my dreams, let's flow.
- Don't ever repeat that to anyone, okay?
- Only Mom.
She'd love to know you got into her stuff.
- Well I happen to have her permission.
- So it doesn't matter if I tell her?
- Well I'm gonna tell her you were spying.
- I bet if I tell Mom what I saw,
you'll never be with like Jeff.
- Okay, let's just forget everything.
- No, let's not.
- Oh you little--
- Mom's gotta hear this story.
Oh Jeff, your lips on mine,
like a sweet tubal wine.
- All right, what do you want from me
to keep from opening your big, fat--
- Two nickels nowhere shut.
Feed Grandpa.
- Jump off the edge.
- Make it six turns.
- Billy please.
- No, that's the deal.
No ifs, ands, or butt polish.
- All right, I'll do it.
But you want to know something?
You're gonna wake up one of these days
and find that everything that
matters to you has shriveled.
- Oh, what, your boyfriends?
- I think that--
- There's another problem Hollowhead.
You are always interrupting.
Timing is an essential
ingredient to growth.
You see it's what's going
to make our company grow.
You have to know when to flap it,
and when to cap it.
That's the tale of the
tube, in one short squirt.
- Hi Dad.
- Billy, come over here
and meet my new boss, Mister Crabneck.
This is my son, Billy.
- Well,
hello there Billy.
(laughing)
Well he's a binky little drip
off the old glop isn't he?
- He was a tube baby, Mister Crabneck.
- I'll bet you have trouble
with the other kids, right?
- Henry, could I have a word
with you in the kitchen, dear?
- Certainly, dear.
Oh excuse me.
- Your timing's improving, Hollowhead.
I was about to ask where
the waste chamber is.
- Oh, down the hall,
second orifice to the left.
(ominous music)
- And I'm about to fix dinner.
- Oh I know dear, and I'm sorry,
but you see he didn't give me any choice,
he just invited himself.
He came up to me, and he said, Hollowhead,
I like knowing more about my employees,
and I'm gonna take you up
on that dinner invitation
at your place after work,
and I started to say but,
but Mister Crabneck,
what dinner invitation,
and he just started laughing at me,
and he said that he liked the man
who could improvise and think on his feet,
and make snap judgments,
and I mean what could I do?
- All right Henry, I understand.
It's just that I wasn't prepared.
I'm sorry.
I'll try to do better.
How do you think it's going so far?
- I really don't know, dear.
I read meters, not men.
- Why Henry Hollowhead,
you know you are a brilliant man,
and a great asset to United Umbilical.
Mister Crabneck will see
that you're the right man for the job.
You just leave the entertaining to me.
- Oh Miriam,
how lucky can a man be?
- Oh about Billy.
- Come over here son.
Sit down here.
Now, your mother tells me you
did have a little trouble.
- Well it was really nothing.
- Son, fighting is always something,
now we've talked about
fighting before, haven't we?
- Yeah.
- And do you remember what we said son?
- That violence never solved anything.
- That's right, and I'm sure
Mister Crabneck here would
agree that fighting--
- Oh purge, Hollowhead,
let me handle this.
Come here Billy.
Come on.
Now I'm gonna show you something
my old man taught me before I,
before he died.
Hey, what's you got on your shirt?
Deception, son, you gotta
trick the suckers, look.
Up here.
See how easy that was?
Now I'll show you another.
- Mister Crabneck, don't
you think you're being
just a little too---
- Meter it Hollowhead.
I'm doing your boy a favor here.
Come back here, you
yellow-striped pipe blot.
(laughing)
You'd better teach that boy
some manners, Hollowhead.
You certainly haven't
taught him any self-defense.
- Well, I'm afraid that
that is not our philosophy,
Mister Crabneck.
- I should have guessed.
Stand up.
- Well we try to teach the kids
to reason with their peers.
- Stand up.
- Mister Crabneck, my wife
doesn't allow any roughhousing
in the front room.
- Who's this?
- Cindy, come over here and I want you
to meet Mister Crabneck.
Mister Crabneck is my new boss, at UU.
Mister Crabneck this
is my daughter, Cindy.
- Call me Marty, Cindy.
Delighted to make your
acquaintance, my dear.
- Nice to meet you, Mister Crabneck.
- Now, you must call me Marty.
All my big girls call me Marty.
You're looking very,
should I say, succulent.
- Cindy don't you think that that dress
is just a little too--
- Too enticing?
Too alluring?
Too suggestive?
- Yes.
- Not at all.
Fathers are the last people to recognize
those special womanly feelings,
particularly in such a
beautiful, fine daughter.
- Thank you, Mister--
- Uh uh uh.
- Marty.
- Marty, good.
So are you all dressed
up for someone special?
- I'm just going to a party
with some of my friends.
- When the boys get a look at you,
they're going to trip
over their own tubes.
- Mister Crabneck, you are such a kidder.
- Cindy, you'd better get going now,
you don't want to keep your
little friends waiting, do you?
- No, I guess not.
- Bye Mister Crab, bye Marty.
- Get her out of here.
- Cindy, I was just
gonna come and get you.
Billy said you volunteered
to feed Grandpa.
- Feed Grandpa, but Mom.
- Shhh.
We don't want Mister
Crabneck to know, now do we?
You know they would just love
to find out we've got Grandpa,
and then they would pump him away.
- But Mom, I'm in a
hurry, I'm gonna be late.
Grandpa, I have your dinner, Grandpa.
Hi Grandpa.
I brought your food for you.
(soft orchestral music)
Grandpa stop.
Stop it.
Grandpa stop it.
Stop.
- Hello Mister Hollowhead.
What's humping?
- Well I think you mean pumping Oliver,
and the UU pledge goes like that.
Now come on in here and
meet Mister Crabneck.
Mister Crabneck is (muffled) of UU.
Oliver, this is Mister Crabneck.
- Hello sir.
Say, did you read the imprint
on super-pneumatic suction,
in the Tube Times.
- Well Oliver, who do you
suppose developed that model?
- Wow.
So do you think we'll be
running on bullet tubes soon?
- [Henry] Just around the bend, Oliver.
- [Oliver] Smooth, Mister H.
I'll be you can do it too.
It's like I tell Cindy,
where there's a will,
there's a Hollowhead.
- Who is he Henry?
- This is Oliver.
- No, Hollowhead.
Read my lips, who is he?
- This is Cindy's date.
- Is Cindy ready?
- Yes, Cindy, Oliver's here.
- Well Hollowhead, she may
not have your bad timing,
but she's certainly got your bad taste.
Well, he's a real case of the squirts.
- Hi Oliver.
- Hi Cindy.
You look really nice.
This is for you.
- Thank you.
Let's flow.
- Bye Honey.
- Bye Daddy.
Bye everyone.
- [Miriam] Goodbye Honey.
Have a nice time.
- Well well well, if this
isn't another happy home,
tied to United Umbilical.
A happy home, two kids.
- Oh, three.
Three, you haven't met our eldest, Bud.
He's our musical genius.
- Three?
- Three.
- Why you're more of a man
than I took you for, Henry.
Of course when you're married
to a woman as enticing,
as alluring.
- Oh I'm sorry.
Did I walk in on some man-talk?
- [Henry] He was just
talking about you, Miriam.
- Oh Mister Crabneck.
- Marty, call me Marty, Miriam.
- [Henry] Mister Crabneck was just--
- Well, as I was telling Henry here,
I would do just about anything
to have a woman like you, Miriam.
- Oh really, Mister Crabneck.
Marty.
- Right.
- How's that dinner coming dear?
- Well if you two will come to the table,
I'll go and get Billy.
- I hope you're hungry Mister Crabneck.
- Hungry, why I'm famished.
I could suck a waste tube
from here to the edge.
- Good.
We're all here now, so we can start.
- Speaking of soups,
would you believe I recorded
14,937 GPM's last shift.
Some of those tubes were getting real hot.
- I find talking business
at the dinner table
awfully offensive, Henry.
Don't you, Mir-- Miriam?
- Well, Marty,
sometimes I just don't
understand all the talk
about PM's, viscosity, all
that technical talk like,
what makes the tube hot.
- You Miriam.
(laughing)
- GPM's means gallons per minute, dear.
Viscosity is a measurement of how quickly
a given fluid can pass through
a certain size orifice.
- That can cause an an eruption, Miriam.
- What makes our tubes hot,
is the friction caused
by the viscous fluid
flowing through the walls of the tube.
- Hollowhead, I do believe
you've embarrassed your wife.
- So what happens next Dad?
- The heat can cause
a rupture pretty soon and you've got
fluid spraying everywhere.
- Love to.
Of course the equation changes,
depending upon the length of the tube,
but that's not your
department, is it Henry?
- Oh but it could be.
Henry's just a little bit quiet
about his talents, Mister Crabneck.
- Uh uh uh, it's Marty.
- I'm sorry.
I'm just not used to
calling my husband's bosses
by their first names.
- Don't think of me as
your husband's boss,
think of me as a very close friend.
- I believe you're the one
who's embarrassing my wife, Marty.
- That's Mister Crabneck to you.
And who gave you permission
to unplug your pipe meter, monkey.
- Dinner's over, I think
it's time to leave.
- Seal it screw-top before
you're up a purge pipe
without a paddle.
- Now Henry, I don't that
that mister, uh Marty,
really means it, I think
he's kidding that's all.
He's just kidding, you
wouldn't want to do anything
to lose your job, now would you?
- I'm not gonna lose my job, Miriam.
I've been with UU for almost 20 years now.
I started in the waste
department, as a reamer,
and spent shift after shift
crawling through rust-encrusted pipes.
- Henry, please sit down.
- Dad?
- I think that Marty was just kidding,
weren't you Marty?
May I serve you, Marty?
- Yes, I would love you
to serve me, Miriam.
Mmm, this looks delicious.
Please forgive me, Miriam.
I had a bad time at work.
You see the demand for
tubes, why it's overwhelming.
We pump eight billion
gallons in every station,
and I, I am personally responsible
for almost 16 million miles of tubes.
What the pipe stick am I talking about?
Why you must be bored stiff,
listening to us talk shop Miriam.
- Why no, I find Henry's
work very interesting.
- Yes, why I was just telling
Miriam what would happen
if only one of our pumping
stations broke down.
- You mean like what happened
just a little while ago?
- Are you trying to say in
that half-formed way of yours
that something is wrong
with our tubes, young man?
- Some of Mom's tubes are blocked.
- [Henry] Some of the lines were blocked?
- Yeah.
Me and Joey had to go
to the pumping station
and complain to station monster Babbleaxe.
- You complained?
Why you little bezore.
You're too lenient with
your children, Henry.
Too many privileges,
children need discipline.
You don't want them winding
up as rationalists, do you?
- What's wrong with that?
People should have the right
to think what they want to think.
What difference it make?
- I'll tell you what difference it makes.
United Umbilical was not
founded by a bunch of lowlife
sludge-sucking, rat-reaming rationalists.
And if they were to find out
that you lean even
slightly in that direction,
they'd cut your tubes off so fast,
the only thing you could do
is crawl into a two-line and
flush yourself off the edge.
I should know.
My ex-wife was,
was a--
- A rationalist?
- Didn't you know that
when you married her?
- No, I married her
because she was a sumptuous
piece of throbbing flesh.
- What's that mean Dad?
- Never mind, son.
- And because she looked
good at company parties.
- What happened?
- It was at one of
those very same parties,
that I found the leak in her mainline.
She was a rationalist,
and I mean a real card-carrying member.
She as much as announced it right there
in front of the entire upper
management of United Umbilical.
But of course I had no choice.
- You divorced her?
- Divorce is such an ugly word,
I prefer, dispensed.
- You must have loved her deeply.
- Often.
But I'm a company man,
and you know what kind of
business this is, Miriam.
It's a cruel business.
A cruel, cruel, cruel,
cruel, cruel business.
You never know what you're up against.
That's why I have to
maintain control at UU.
If you're going anyplace
in our business Henry,
you have to be ramrod tough, ramrod.
Nothing less will do.
Now you Henry, you lack the substance,
the real meat, your ramrod helper.
Without me you're nothing.
- I don't like your tone, Mister Crabneck.
- Miriam, I plan on nothing less,
than blazing a trail right to
the top of United Umbilical.
- What about Henry?
- Henry?
- [Miriam] Henry.
- A promotion in UU?
- Yes, me me.
I think I'm long overdue for a promotion.
- And after all, he is featured
in the current issue of Tube Times.
- He was voted number one
meter man in his section,
three times in a row.
- Three times.
- Yes damn it, everybody knows
I'm the best meter man in the business.
- Then why would anyone
want to promote you?
- Yes, of course.
That's right.
If you're really good at your job,
why would anyone promote you away from it?
- Now you're getting it, Henry.
The fact is, that our
industry isn't for boys.
It's a cruel business.
You're a smart woman, Miriam.
You understand that it's a
cruel, cruel, cruel business.
Cruel,
- Dad!
Cruel business.
So unless your husband
can offer something more
than his sterling qualities.
- Maybe I am too good for my job.
(laughing)
- Mister Crabneck, are
you suggesting that if I?
That Henry will?
- Call me Marty, Miriam.
- I could screw up the whole works.
(dramatic orchestral music)
- It will grow on you.
- Dad!
- [Marty] Let me have it.
Come on Miriam, you know you want it.
- No I don't.
- No means yes.
- Promote me.
Billy?
Hey, where'd everybody go?
Hey, what's going on in--
Mister Crabneck, what are you doing?
- Cap it, before I stick you sideways
through an eight-inch.
Now, come on Miriam, let me have it.
- You want it Marty, all right you get it.
- That's it, Hollowhead.
No raise for you.
- Well I'm too good for your UU.
You just say the word, Miriam,
and this guy's crap.
(muffled)
- Yeah, get him Dad!
- Take this.
And this.
- Do you remember what we
talked about over dinner, Henry?
Now I'm going to show you just how cruel
this business really is.
- Please stop, Marty please.
I'll do anything.
I'll do what you want.
- Stop him Mom, stop him.
Yuck.
- Did I kill him, Miriam?
Is he dead?
- No.
- He's not dead?
- No, I mean, you didn't kill him.
I did, I mean,
I think I did.
- Oh Billy, don't.
- Yep, he's dead all right.
(screaming)
- What do we do now Henry?
- I don't know, I've
never done this before.
- That's it.
Starting tomorrow you're reaming pipes
outside on number nine.
- I have to sit down.
Miriam, I don't believe this.
My boss is lying there on
our kitchen floor, dead.
Do you know what this means?
It means I don't get my
promotion, he has to okay it.
- Your promotion?
Henry, what about your career?
We just committed murder.
If they find out, they'll
throw us off the edge.
- There really is an edge?
- What about regeneration?
- Oh Henry, that only works
when they're still alive.
- Oh, hey wait a minute,
how do we know he's not still alive?
We didn't check.
- If you want to go
back in there and check,
you go right ahead.
- I will.
- No son, this is a job
for the man of the house.
(growling)
- Mister Crabneck, I mean, Marty.
- Oh purge.
- Well, that surely should have done it.
- I'm gonna find out.
He's still alive!
- How could he be?
- Well he is, we can still save him.
- Save him? Are you out of your mind?
He's sleaze, he tried to kill us.
- Yeah Dad, he's muck.
- Billy.
- We can't let him die.
- We can't let him live.
- I suppose you're right.
- Somebody's coming!
- Quick.
- Wait!
We can't leave him here.
- We can hide him in the kitchen.
- Good idea, come on, give me a hand.
(light orchestral music)
- Mom? Dad?
What's humpin'?
- He's totally liquified.
- What do you mean?
- [Miriam] How do you know?
- Bud, what's going on here?
- I just got back from the party, Dad.
I'm afraid my friend here may have had
a little too much to drink.
- Oh Bud.
I really can't believe this.
- Oh yeah, home.
I had to come home, Dad.
I couldn't stand that party.
- [Henry] Why not, Bud?
- The new songs,
the guys were right, they
didn't work, they hated them.
- Oh Bud, honey, I'm so sorry.
- Miriam?
Bud?
- I'm so hungry.
- Bud, sit down before you fall down.
Can't you hear me Bud,
what's wrong with you?
- Don't burst the pipe.
- Get some cold water Miriam.
- What are we going to do?
- Dad, can you forget about, you know?
- Don't just stand there, do
as I say, get some cold water.
(doorbell ringing)
- No, Miriam, you get the door.
- [Miriam] I'm getting the water.
- Miriam, the door, now.
- The water, the door.
- Another critic.
- Missus Hollowhead?
- Yes, may I help you?
Cindy!
- We thought it best that we
escort your daughter home.
- What happened?
Are you all right?
- Well, she was attending
a party in which the kids
found out a way how to pirate
into an extremely restricted feed line,
and well, your daughter obviously
has gone through some
experimentation tonight.
- Ma'am if we could just bring
your daughter into the house.
- Uh, no.
- Pardon me?
- Well, I mean, my house
is in such a state,
couldn't you just leave her?
- Is everything okay in here?
- Well, I uh, well,
I guess if you don't mind the mess.
Do um, make yourself at home.
Henry?
(laughing)
The police are here.
What are we going to do?
- Let me handle this.
Hello officers.
Good shift.
- Good shift.
- What seems to be the trouble?
- Well Mister Hollowhead,
we had to bring your daughter home.
She and a bunch of her friends
apparently tapped into a highly restricted
vapor feed source.
- How could that be possible?
- The shame of it is,
no matter what we do,
these kids, they're gonna
find a way to get in.
We notified UU about the illegal tap,
and we also notified them about the fact
that there was minors under the influence.
- Influence?
- Your daughter and a friend
have apparently been mixing vapors.
- [Miriam] Bless you, you.
- Thank you.
Not now.
Not now, it was earlier.
(laughing)
- I tell you sir, we found well over
two pounds of softening jelly on her.
- Two pounds?
- Miriam?
Miriam, dear.
- And also there's some physical evidence
that would lead us to
believe that your daughter--
- She was--
- She had been--
- Severely compromised.
- My little angel foam, tell Daddy,
do you know who did this to you?
- Oh yes, I'll always remember.
I mean, I don't remember all of them.
- Was Oliver a part of this?
- Oliver?
- [Henry] Oliver.
- Oh Oliver, no no, he didn't.
- Oliver couldn't,
are we talking about one Oliver Digits?
17, brown hair, brown
eyes, useless presence.
- That's right.
- He overdosed.
He's all hopped up on the butt polish.
When are kids gonna learn to
just say no to butt polish?
- Oh but fortunately, I had these
two big strong,
policemen there to save me.
- Cindy, Cindy honey,
don't you think it's time
that you were in bed?
Cindy?
(sobbing)
Thank you officers, I think
I can handle this now.
- Excuse me sir,
could you please explain
to me why you and your wife
are covered with some
sort of tubal discharge?
- Well, we had a ruptured valve,
in a splat-spray game.
- Let's just try that again.
- Well, no.
No.
- Our son, Billy,
he has one of those new
games, you know, splat-spray.
- But don't forget the
ruptured valve, dear.
- [Cop] May we see where
the rupture occurred?
- No!
- It's just that it's a mess.
Besides, Henry works for United Umbilical
as an authorized serviceman.
Don't you dear?
- Yes, that's right, I do, yes.
- Well, could I see your
identification, sir?
- Oh sure.
- Okay, you might want to
be a little more careful
in the future there, Mister Hollowhead.
- Oh yes, thank you I will, I will be.
- And,
this thing about your daughter, remember,
the wellspring of control
lies within the father,
then it runs out.
- Cindy, honey.
Cindy,
Cindy sweetie, what are
you doing down there?
(laughing)
- Thank you very very much for your time.
You've been so kind, you must
have children of your own.
- No, I usually have to buy 'em.
Hey.
- [Miriam] Good shift.
- Good shift.
- Your daughter, she'll be fine,
but for safety's sake,
you'll probably want to have her drained.
- Drained?
- Wow, Bud, you ought to hear this.
Bud?
(screaming)
- Let me out of here!
- Hey hey hey, hold it right there.
What seems to be the problem?
(growling in the kitchen)
- I got ya!
(laughing)
- When are you kids gonna learn?
- They want to live life on the edge.
They're going to.
- Oh, why did he ever
come over for dinner?
- This has been the
worst shift of my life.
- Ah it hasn't been that bad, Mom.
- Yes it has.
Jeff didn't even show up at the party,
and I had to feed Grandpa.
- Mom, Dad, that's it.
- [Cindy] Hi Marty.
- It's about time you two got up.
I'm so upset with both of you.
To think that my children
would ever make me ashamed of them.
- Mom, just because Cindy got caught
with all that softening jelly
is no reason to take it out on me.
- Bud, you spaced out
son of a pipe polisher.
- Cindy.
- Stop it you two.
I don't want to hear another
word from either one of you.
Or do you want us to start following
children's home rules, like other parents.
- Hi Dad.
- Well now, there's my boy.
- He's not your boy.
I mean, he's your little man now.
It is so nice to have
everything back to normal.
Billy, I fixed your favorite.
- [Cindy] Brackish spring again, Mother?
- It's still breathing.
- Breathing?
That shows how little you know.
That means it's not properly aged.
- When I was your age Bud,
we were more interested in
basic survival techniques.
- Yes Henry, but things change.
After all, you don't
have to push everything
through a tube by hand anymore.
It's a different world.
- That's true dear,
now it just sucks by itself.
Say, whose turn is it to feed Grandpa?
We're all together,
and we're a family,
so let's all feed Grandpa together, huh?
Mealtime, Grandpa.
I hope your hungry, Mister Crabneck.
- [Billy] Dad, there's one
thing I don't understand.
- Yes.
- You know how you said
it was bad to fight?
- Yes I did.
- Did we do a bad thing
to Mister Crabneck?
- No, not at all son.
Do you remember what else we talked about?
- It's the blind man who
follows the trail in the dark.
- That's right son.
(uplifting orchestral music)
Good shift, Grandpa.
- And good shift to you, Marty.
- [Billy] As it turned out,
it wasn't a pipe dream after all.
Dad finally got his promotion.
He told me later, it was
all a matter of timing.
The right place, at the right time.
As for me, I just go with the flow.
(whistle blowing)
(dramatic rock music)
♪ I've been looking for a good home ♪
♪ Are you looking for a
different kind of thing ♪
♪ Well you're looking at a good time ♪
♪ We've got terms that
I'm sure you can swing ♪
♪ We are a family over five ♪
♪ In need of a once in a lie ♪
♪ I seen fever in your tie-dyes ♪
♪ I hear the need in
the voice of your wife ♪
♪ And then let me tell you
about the perfect place ♪
♪ Everyone there wears a smiling face ♪
♪ Lots of good homes, good jobs to do ♪
♪ And all of the latest conveniences too ♪
♪ It's a life on the edge ♪
♪ A life on the edge ♪
♪ A life on the edge ♪
♪ A life on the edge ♪
♪ Your personal Eden ♪
♪ The hanging gardens of old Babylon ♪
♪ Eighth wonder of the New World ♪
♪ Though the quality of thought was gone ♪
♪ Have you had an enticement ♪
♪ Your moving cops are all paid ♪
♪ We're flowing along on security ♪
♪ Sign here sir, don't hesitate ♪
♪ Take my word it's a perfect place ♪
♪ Every day puts another
smile on your face ♪
♪ Lots of good homes, good jobs to do ♪
♪ And all of the latest conveniences too ♪
♪ It's a life on the edge ♪
♪ A life on the edge ♪
♪ A life on the edge ♪
♪ A life on the edge ♪
♪ Take my word you can trust me ♪
♪ If you're ready you
can leave like today ♪
♪ I can see you're a man of vision ♪
♪ Don't let this chance get away ♪
♪ It's a place where you hold the future ♪
♪ It's truly man's last frontier ♪
♪ No man is perfectly safe there ♪
♪ They haven't seen those in years ♪
♪ Don't you think it's a perfect place ♪
♪ Every day puts another
smile on your face ♪
♪ Lots of good homes, good jobs to do ♪
♪ And all of the latest conveniences too ♪
♪ It's a life on the edge ♪
♪ A life on the edge ♪
♪ A life on the edge ♪
♪ A life on the edge ♪
♪ A life on the edge ♪
♪ A life on the edge ♪
♪ A life on the edge ♪
♪ A life on the edge ♪
♪ A life on the edge ♪
♪ A life on the edge ♪
♪ A life on the edge ♪
♪ A life on the edge ♪
♪ A life on the edge ♪
(whistle blowing)
- Operator, Operator?
- [Operator] Operator, how may I help you?
- Yes, thank you, Operator,
I'd like tube 6-7-6-0-6, please.
- [Billy] That's my dad!
Hi, I'm Billy Hollowhead,
and this is about that terrible shift
when my father brought
his boss home for dinner.
Of course, I had problems
of my own that shift.
But then, we all did.
(rock music)
- [Operator] You are speaking to she.
- Hello, Miriam, uh, listen, dear,
I know how you hate it when I bring
unexpected guests home for dinner, but--
- [Miriam] What?
- Yeah, yes.
Yes, dear, dinner.
But, but you'll never guess who.
My new boss, Miriam,
this will be our chance to reach out
and grab that brass tube.
Opportunity is knocking here, I feel it,
my promotion is just around the bend!
- [Miriam] Oh, but this
always happens, I--
- [Henry] Operator?
- [Miriam] Hello?
- [Henry] Operator?
- [Miriam] Henry? Henry?
♪ Once upon a time in a different place ♪
♪ With some runners in the human race ♪
♪ They weren't quite
the same as you and me ♪
♪ Their family fell out
of a different tree ♪
♪ Henry Hollowhead is a daddy dude ♪
♪ Working all shift just
to bring home the food ♪
♪ United Umbilical is where he works ♪
♪ The best meter reader
this part of Earth ♪
♪ Miriam's a lady of his dreams ♪
♪ She cooks and sews,
she's a domicile queen ♪
♪ She picks Henry up when
his spirits get low ♪
♪ When things wanna stop,
she's the one that says go ♪
♪ Now Bud is the rabbit
food of their loins ♪
♪ Plays a little music
to pick up some coin ♪
♪ His pet chicken, sings like a bird ♪
♪ While Bud plays the strangest
music you ever heard ♪
♪ Cindy, the daughter, just turned 14 ♪
♪ Got a woman's engine
in a girl's machine ♪
♪ Her hormones are
screaming adult desires ♪
♪ As often angelic as fuel for the fire ♪
♪ Hollowhead last is Billy the boy ♪
♪ He's got a dog named Spike,
he's got a splat-spray toy ♪
♪ He thinks on his feet
and he keeps things cool ♪
♪ He may be young, but
he's nobody's fool ♪
- How's it going here?
Oh, it's nice and quiet for a change.
I was just trying to think
what I'd fix for dinner.
Yes.
Yes, I remember when
you told me about him.
Oh, Henry, that's wonderful news.
After this shift?
Oh, honey, I know he's your new boss
and we've gotta make a good impression,
but, but, but, the house is a mess,
and I have no idea what to fix.
Hmm, I'll have to get
the children to help.
I know, I want this promotion
just as badly as you do.
Yes.
Yes, it'll be just fine, dear, you'll see!
Yes, dear, I love you too.
Alright, bye.
Oh, Henry, one of these days,
you're gonna drive me right to the edge.
I don't even know where to start.
(screaming)
Billy, what are you doing here?
- Same thing I'm always doing
at this time, coming home.
- Well make some noise next
time, you gave me a fright.
- Was that Dad?
- Yes, and he's got me
very worried right now,
he's bringing his new boss home for dinner
so we can try and get that new promotion,
and I am going to need you to be
on your very best behavior, Billy.
Billy,
what happened to your face?
- My, my face?
- Why, Billy Hollowhead,
you have got a black eye.
- I do?
- Yes, you do!
How did it happen?
- Well, I don't know.
- Billy, who gave it to you?
- I don't remember.
- Well, I guess we're gonna
have to let your father
get to the bottom of this.
Oh.
- Yes, ma'am.
- And in the meantime, we
can't very well have you meet
your father's new boss with
a black eye, now can we?
- I could go over to Joey's.
- Absolutely not, I need
you here to help me,
and besides, I'm sure your father
is gonna want you here for dinner.
- Come on, Mom, it's just a black eye,
not even a very black black eye,
you don't need to use that.
- Come here.
- Mom, I really don't want this.
- Billy.
- Mom, I really don't like this.
- Shush.
- But my eye feels fine now.
- [Miriam] Stop being childish.
- No.
- Oh, I almost forgot
the most important thing.
(circus music)
(dramatic music)
(comedic music)
(dramatic music)
(comedic music)
(Billy groaning)
- Hey, Mrs. H.
- Hi, Joey.
- And what's the latest
drain in these parts?
- Why, we're just taking
care of Billy's black eye.
Say, Joey, you wouldn't
happen to know anything
about how he got that, would you?
- Well.
- I might be able to come up
with a nice snack for you both.
- Okay, it was Johnny.
- You promised, Joey!
- He said that Billy's dad was nothing
but a spineless pipe polisher,
and Billy stood up to
him, but not for long.
- I see.
(creature sucking)
- Why'd you have to tell, Joey?
- I guess I'm just not
as brave as you are.
- Now see, Billy, that
wasn't so bad, was it?
I guess you boys have
earned two of my specials.
- Great.
- Good, two specials,
coming right up.
(animal squealing)
- Here Mom.
- Thanks.
(squealing)
(comedic music)
There you go, boys.
And doesn't your eye feel better now?
- Yeah Mom, thanks.
- And try not to make a mess in there.
- [Billy] We won't Mom.
- Now what am I gonna fix for dinner?
- You've got it all, a mom, a room,
homemade specials.
I get my flesh thinned.
Hi there, thanks.
Pecoriam.
(dreamy music)
Smooth move.
You got a new splat-spray game.
Come on, help me.
All right, stand by,
for maximum propulsion.
- No wait, you've got to
start with splatter panels.
- Come on, that speed's for babies.
- Oh okay, my turn, my turn.
(upbeat music)
- That's a super fluid idea.
(knocking)
(comedic music)
- Uh oh, Mom's in a cooking mood.
- Come on, don't be a squirt.
Where is he?
- Who?
- Spike.
- [Billy] Joey.
You're gonna get us in trouble.
- Spike, come here Spike.
- Joey, my mom doesn't want him in here.
He's infested.
- I know that.
Come here, come here Spike.
- Billy?
- [Billy] Yeah Mom.
- I hope you weren't
thinking of letting Spike in.
- [Billy] We weren't Mom.
- Because he needs a good depenetration.
- No, no.
- Taking Spike back out, right now.
Great, I lied to my Mom.
I'm in really big trouble.
- Be a man.
Stand up to her.
- [Billy] You really do
need a depenetration.
Hope they didn't lay any eggs on you.
He should feel a little better now.
Don't you Spike?
Joey, you're gonna make a mess.
- Pipe down too bloob.
We're just gonna have some fun.
(rock music)
♪ We been sittin' in this
class for a hundred years ♪
♪ Just waiting for the bell to ring ♪
♪ The second hand's moving
about a minute a tick ♪
♪ Instead of switching
like a top on a string ♪
- You're sick.
♪ Working on nothing till
I waltz through the door ♪
♪ There's just 20 more seconds to live ♪
♪ 19, 18, come on down ♪
♪ School day's gone and I'm free ♪
♪ Just a kid looking for a good time ♪
(lyrics muffled)
♪ I'm just a kid looking for a good time ♪
- What's pumpin'?
- Oh Bud dear, could you do me a favor?
- No, I can't, I gotta practice and go.
- But Bud, your father
has invited his new boss
over for dinner tonight, and I--
- And you thought I would stay
home and help you out, right?
- Well Bud--
- Dad promised I could play at the party.
- All right, but you send
your brother down here to me.
Right now.
♪ I got places to go,
I got people to see ♪
♪ I got money for the video arcade ♪
♪ The weekend's coming and
the folks are leaving town ♪
♪ There's party plans being made ♪
♪ I'm just a kid looking for a good time ♪
(lyrics muffled)
♪ I'm just a kid looking for a good time ♪
♪ Come on ♪
- Whoa, pipe squeak.
You are really gonna get it this time,
'cause Mom, she wants
to see you right now.
Of course maybe I'd just better tell her
why you can't come.
- You're not gonna tell her, are you?
- Why not?
Unless you can make it worth my while.
- What do I have to do?
- Feed Grandpa for my next three turns.
- Three turns?
That's not fair.
- Four then.
That's the deal, take it or leave it.
- Okay.
See, I told you we'd get in trouble.
Start cleaning up.
(exotic music)
- Hi.
- Oh Cindy, thank goodness you're home.
Your father invited his
new boss over for dinner,
and I need your help.
- What is this Mom, a cranium fog?
You can't do this to me, Dad
said I could go to the party.
- What?
That is for dinner.
Cindy, can't you at least be here
when your father gets home?
I mean, I need all the help I can get,
and I can't even hear myself think
with that racket going on.
- Go slow Mom, I'll tell Bud to choke it.
(bizarre music)
Bud, Mom says to pinch it off.
- Hey, you know the words, right?
So let's flow.
♪ I feel good about myself ♪
♪ Would not be anyone else ♪
♪ I feel good about myself ♪
♪ Would not be anyone else ♪
♪ I feel good about myself ♪
♪ I would not be anyone else ♪
♪ I feel good about myself ♪
- Cindy, Bud, quiet!
- [Miriam] I have to get running anyway.
- Hey sis, not bad.
- You've still got some on your neck.
- [Miriam] Billy?
Billy!
Scum squirts.
- Never heard your mother cuss before.
- Billy?
Could you run an errand for your mom?
- Sure, where, when?
- Billy, what is this all over your, yuck.
Every time you and Joey get
together, something bad happens.
I want you to change this shirt right now,
and get back here immediately,
or you will spend some time
in the punetration box.
- Sure, no problem.
I'll get right on it.
Well?
What next?
- [Cindy] Connie? Connie?
Pick it up.
Connie.
Connie!
- [Voice On Phone] Hello?
- Hi, Missus Gramus, is Connie there?
Connie, what took you so long?
Guess who asked me to the party.
No.
No.
Oh no, okay I'll tell you.
Oliver.
Yes, Oliver Digits.
Well of course he's a pathetic pipe seed,
but he's perfect.
He's about the only tuvoid my
parents would let me go with.
Yeah, it's great.
So what are you wearing?
You bought the flotation skirt?
With what?
And your mom went for it?
So I can borrow it, right?
Oh Connie, we're gonna have so much fun.
- Billy, my tubes are stuffed up again,
so I want you to take this list
to Stationmaster Babbleaxe,
and either get them to
unblock those lines,
or fill this list from
what they've got on hand.
- Right.
- Now, you know that I wouldn't send you
to the pumping station
unless I absolutely had to,
don't you?
- Yes, ma'am.
- So I want you to promise
me that you and Joey
will not get into any trouble there.
- Okay, I promise.
- Now, get going.
And don't stop anywhere else, boys.
- Don't worry, Mom.
- And stay away from the edge.
- No problem, Missus H.
- [Billy] Whenever Joey said, no problem,
I knew we were gonna have one.
As we walked to the pumping station,
Joey told me about our
friend, Seymour Legs.
It seems Seymour was playing
with his splat-spray game,
except he got caught
using his baby sister.
His parents were gonna put
him in the punetration box,
for just about ever.
So Seymour ran away.
Some people say he fell off the edge.
- [Joey] You know, I
don't believe in the edge.
That thing's just one
of those stupid things
parents make up.
- [Billy] But where'd he go, then?
- [Joey] I don't know.
I heard someone slide off the edge once.
- You did?
- Yeah.
I was out walking once,
and I heard these footsteps coming,
and then after a few seconds,
a scream that went.
(screaming)
And then nothin'.
- You haven't told me this story before.
(eerie music)
(dramatic orchestral music)
(gas blowing)
- Okay you rat-reaming tube slime,
when I say read, you say, what to.
You human fools,
I want a volunteer right now.
Give me a hero to go.
You, reamer, you're up.
Take 41-A.
- But that's the waste tube sir.
- And you are the waste.
Now in the tube.
- Sir this is my first reaming sir,
couldn't I take the 16-D sir?
(laughing)
- What kind of mama's little tube boys
are they sending me these days?
Now you get your passive
tubes into that pipe,
or I will wrap you around
the four-way gang valve,
is that understood?
- Aye sir.
- Go, move it, move it.
(screaming)
- Watch this.
- [Boss] Reamers, I want
you to make me proud.
- Joey.
- [Boss] I want you to
hit those tubes men,
and I want you to ream.
Everyone, let's get 'em.
(upbeat music)
- God, should have been having lunch.
- You tubal slime.
You let 'em get away.
- I was just gonna try and
get my mom's order filled.
(ominous music)
- [Cindy] Hey Mom?
- Yes, dear.
- [Cindy] Where's the softening jelly?
- It's right next to the fem stick dear.
Softening jelly?
(knocking on door)
- Yes?
- [Miriam] Cindy, can I come in?
- Sure Mom, the door's unlocked.
- Cindy, I--
- Yeah Mom.
- What did you want with
the softening jelly, dear?
- What all women want with it, Mother.
- Cindy,
don't you think you're a little too young
to be using softening jelly?
- Mom I'm 14, Connie's been
using it since she was 12.
- And if Connie wanted to jump
off the edge, would you, too?
Oh dear,
you know I have never
forbidden you anything,
just because I'm your
mother, and I said so.
We've always discussed
these things, haven't we?
But there are some things in this life
that you have to have a certain
maturity to handle.
- Come on Mom, you treat
my like I'm a child.
- Well you are a child.
Honey, do you know that I had
been married to your father
for a long time before I
even tried softening jelly?
- Well Mom, it's not like that anymore.
I mean, I just want to feel
nice, like everyone else.
- This wouldn't have anything
to do with Jeff, would it?
- Jeff who?
- You know which Jeff I'm talking about.
Who are you going to the party with?
- Oliver.
- Oliver?
Oliver Digits?
- Uh huh.
- Oh, he is such a nice young man.
I should have known your father
wouldn't give you permission
to go with just anyone.
Oh well, all right.
I guess you can use the softening jelly,
but in moderation, darling.
Don't start feeling too nice.
- Okay, thanks Mom.
- They grow up so fast.
- Miriam?
Honey, we're home.
- Delightful domicile, Hollowhead.
- Hello dear.
- Hello.
How's everything going?
- I want you to meet the new
head of United Umbilical,
Martin Crabneck.
- Oh, I am so pleased to
meet you, Mister Crabneck,
and congratulations are in order.
- Why thank you, Miriam.
- Excuse me.
- And permit me to say my dear,
that the pleasure is truly all mine.
(rock music)
♪ This thing that's going on tonight ♪
♪ And I am feeling so good ♪
♪ The boys are jumping so, tonight ♪
♪ They'd steal my heart of they could ♪
- I was just telling Henry here,
what a comfy little
place you have, Miriam.
- Oh well, we love it.
Well if you'll, if you'll excuse me
I still have a few more things
to pin down in the kitchen.
Henry, why don't you make a
drink for Mister Crabneck?
- Good idea, Miriam.
Oh we've got a rare libation
hopped in from the mid-outer
region that you must try.
It's very smooth, as the kids say.
♪ I will move on the night boys ♪
♪ Just as they will in me ♪
♪ First time out in the real world ♪
♪ Just to fill my needs ♪
♪ I feel good about myself ♪
♪ Would not be anyone else ♪
♪ I feel good ♪
- Yes indeed Hollowhead,
you've got a real homey place here.
You've done very well on your salary.
- Actually I'm glad you brought that up.
I've been meaning to
ask you about my salary.
- Later, Hollowhead.
You need to learn timing.
That's funny,
for a meter reader, your timing is rotten.
- I'm sorry, I didn't
mean to jump into it,
I'll try to work on my
timing, you're right.
- You don't work on timing Henry, timing,
timing is bred in the bone.
It's a talent.
You've either got it, or you don't.
Now, look at me, Hollowhead.
I've got it.
That's why I'm the regional president
of United Umbilical Housing Corporation.
And thousands, like you, are not.
Timing.
- But Mister Crabneck,
United Umbilical has been run
by a long line of Crabnecks.
- That's right, that's why
I'm president now, timing.
Right place at the right time,
but Hollowhead, you've insulted me.
I was not merely Umbilical born,
don't accuse me of nepotism.
I've got executive skills.
I've got a take-charge personality.
I was born to float to the top.
Now, what you're good at Henry,
is metering tubes, and that's it.
(rock music)
♪ I'm feeling right for me, tonight ♪
♪ And I just want it to start ♪
♪ Things will go right for me tonight ♪
♪ And I will light up the dark ♪
♪ Hide and seek is for children ♪
♪ Look and I will be there ♪
♪ I will be that enchantress ♪
♪ Put magic in the air ♪
♪ I feel good about myself ♪
♪ Would not be anyone else ♪
♪ I feel good about myself ♪
♪ Would not be anyone else ♪
♪ I feel good about myself ♪
♪ Would not be anyone else ♪
- So Mom, I am off to hit it big.
- Bud, you haven't eaten a thing.
- Mom, I gotta flow,
don't worry, I'm gonna grab
something at the party.
Oh you two little rooters
are ripping slugs again?
- Oh look, it's Mister Smooth.
- Whose air you gonna
pollute now, Mister Smooth.
- Hey cap it, pine pipe,
I'm floating right to the top.
- And we know what floats to the top.
- All right you two, cut that out.
- Bye Mom.
- Bye Bud.
- Say Mom, do you know anything
about what happened to Seymour Legs?
- I know that his parents brought him home
from the neighboring tube last shift.
- Here Mom.
- Oh good.
Oh Billy,
you need to go and get cleaned up, honey.
And Joey, you're gonna have to run along.
We have a guest for dinner.
- Okay.
Next time.
Tube slime.
- After a while womb file.
- Hi Jeff, I wrote a poem for you.
Yeah, you would?
Okay, I'll do it for you.
Whenever I'm with you,
my heart seems to burst,
like mainline fluid you're
quenching my thirst.
Your lips on mine, taste
of sweet tubal wine.
My body reeking of constant despair,
Jeff do you love me, Jeff do you care?
Let your essence go, take
my hand and let's flow
to a place no others would dare,
the tube of my dreams,
the tube to nowhere.
Billy.
How long have you been standing there?
- Oh Jeff, tube of my dreams, let's flow.
- Don't ever repeat that to anyone, okay?
- Only Mom.
She'd love to know you got into her stuff.
- Well I happen to have her permission.
- So it doesn't matter if I tell her?
- Well I'm gonna tell her you were spying.
- I bet if I tell Mom what I saw,
you'll never be with like Jeff.
- Okay, let's just forget everything.
- No, let's not.
- Oh you little--
- Mom's gotta hear this story.
Oh Jeff, your lips on mine,
like a sweet tubal wine.
- All right, what do you want from me
to keep from opening your big, fat--
- Two nickels nowhere shut.
Feed Grandpa.
- Jump off the edge.
- Make it six turns.
- Billy please.
- No, that's the deal.
No ifs, ands, or butt polish.
- All right, I'll do it.
But you want to know something?
You're gonna wake up one of these days
and find that everything that
matters to you has shriveled.
- Oh, what, your boyfriends?
- I think that--
- There's another problem Hollowhead.
You are always interrupting.
Timing is an essential
ingredient to growth.
You see it's what's going
to make our company grow.
You have to know when to flap it,
and when to cap it.
That's the tale of the
tube, in one short squirt.
- Hi Dad.
- Billy, come over here
and meet my new boss, Mister Crabneck.
This is my son, Billy.
- Well,
hello there Billy.
(laughing)
Well he's a binky little drip
off the old glop isn't he?
- He was a tube baby, Mister Crabneck.
- I'll bet you have trouble
with the other kids, right?
- Henry, could I have a word
with you in the kitchen, dear?
- Certainly, dear.
Oh excuse me.
- Your timing's improving, Hollowhead.
I was about to ask where
the waste chamber is.
- Oh, down the hall,
second orifice to the left.
(ominous music)
- And I'm about to fix dinner.
- Oh I know dear, and I'm sorry,
but you see he didn't give me any choice,
he just invited himself.
He came up to me, and he said, Hollowhead,
I like knowing more about my employees,
and I'm gonna take you up
on that dinner invitation
at your place after work,
and I started to say but,
but Mister Crabneck,
what dinner invitation,
and he just started laughing at me,
and he said that he liked the man
who could improvise and think on his feet,
and make snap judgments,
and I mean what could I do?
- All right Henry, I understand.
It's just that I wasn't prepared.
I'm sorry.
I'll try to do better.
How do you think it's going so far?
- I really don't know, dear.
I read meters, not men.
- Why Henry Hollowhead,
you know you are a brilliant man,
and a great asset to United Umbilical.
Mister Crabneck will see
that you're the right man for the job.
You just leave the entertaining to me.
- Oh Miriam,
how lucky can a man be?
- Oh about Billy.
- Come over here son.
Sit down here.
Now, your mother tells me you
did have a little trouble.
- Well it was really nothing.
- Son, fighting is always something,
now we've talked about
fighting before, haven't we?
- Yeah.
- And do you remember what we said son?
- That violence never solved anything.
- That's right, and I'm sure
Mister Crabneck here would
agree that fighting--
- Oh purge, Hollowhead,
let me handle this.
Come here Billy.
Come on.
Now I'm gonna show you something
my old man taught me before I,
before he died.
Hey, what's you got on your shirt?
Deception, son, you gotta
trick the suckers, look.
Up here.
See how easy that was?
Now I'll show you another.
- Mister Crabneck, don't
you think you're being
just a little too---
- Meter it Hollowhead.
I'm doing your boy a favor here.
Come back here, you
yellow-striped pipe blot.
(laughing)
You'd better teach that boy
some manners, Hollowhead.
You certainly haven't
taught him any self-defense.
- Well, I'm afraid that
that is not our philosophy,
Mister Crabneck.
- I should have guessed.
Stand up.
- Well we try to teach the kids
to reason with their peers.
- Stand up.
- Mister Crabneck, my wife
doesn't allow any roughhousing
in the front room.
- Who's this?
- Cindy, come over here and I want you
to meet Mister Crabneck.
Mister Crabneck is my new boss, at UU.
Mister Crabneck this
is my daughter, Cindy.
- Call me Marty, Cindy.
Delighted to make your
acquaintance, my dear.
- Nice to meet you, Mister Crabneck.
- Now, you must call me Marty.
All my big girls call me Marty.
You're looking very,
should I say, succulent.
- Cindy don't you think that that dress
is just a little too--
- Too enticing?
Too alluring?
Too suggestive?
- Yes.
- Not at all.
Fathers are the last people to recognize
those special womanly feelings,
particularly in such a
beautiful, fine daughter.
- Thank you, Mister--
- Uh uh uh.
- Marty.
- Marty, good.
So are you all dressed
up for someone special?
- I'm just going to a party
with some of my friends.
- When the boys get a look at you,
they're going to trip
over their own tubes.
- Mister Crabneck, you are such a kidder.
- Cindy, you'd better get going now,
you don't want to keep your
little friends waiting, do you?
- No, I guess not.
- Bye Mister Crab, bye Marty.
- Get her out of here.
- Cindy, I was just
gonna come and get you.
Billy said you volunteered
to feed Grandpa.
- Feed Grandpa, but Mom.
- Shhh.
We don't want Mister
Crabneck to know, now do we?
You know they would just love
to find out we've got Grandpa,
and then they would pump him away.
- But Mom, I'm in a
hurry, I'm gonna be late.
Grandpa, I have your dinner, Grandpa.
Hi Grandpa.
I brought your food for you.
(soft orchestral music)
Grandpa stop.
Stop it.
Grandpa stop it.
Stop.
- Hello Mister Hollowhead.
What's humping?
- Well I think you mean pumping Oliver,
and the UU pledge goes like that.
Now come on in here and
meet Mister Crabneck.
Mister Crabneck is (muffled) of UU.
Oliver, this is Mister Crabneck.
- Hello sir.
Say, did you read the imprint
on super-pneumatic suction,
in the Tube Times.
- Well Oliver, who do you
suppose developed that model?
- Wow.
So do you think we'll be
running on bullet tubes soon?
- [Henry] Just around the bend, Oliver.
- [Oliver] Smooth, Mister H.
I'll be you can do it too.
It's like I tell Cindy,
where there's a will,
there's a Hollowhead.
- Who is he Henry?
- This is Oliver.
- No, Hollowhead.
Read my lips, who is he?
- This is Cindy's date.
- Is Cindy ready?
- Yes, Cindy, Oliver's here.
- Well Hollowhead, she may
not have your bad timing,
but she's certainly got your bad taste.
Well, he's a real case of the squirts.
- Hi Oliver.
- Hi Cindy.
You look really nice.
This is for you.
- Thank you.
Let's flow.
- Bye Honey.
- Bye Daddy.
Bye everyone.
- [Miriam] Goodbye Honey.
Have a nice time.
- Well well well, if this
isn't another happy home,
tied to United Umbilical.
A happy home, two kids.
- Oh, three.
Three, you haven't met our eldest, Bud.
He's our musical genius.
- Three?
- Three.
- Why you're more of a man
than I took you for, Henry.
Of course when you're married
to a woman as enticing,
as alluring.
- Oh I'm sorry.
Did I walk in on some man-talk?
- [Henry] He was just
talking about you, Miriam.
- Oh Mister Crabneck.
- Marty, call me Marty, Miriam.
- [Henry] Mister Crabneck was just--
- Well, as I was telling Henry here,
I would do just about anything
to have a woman like you, Miriam.
- Oh really, Mister Crabneck.
Marty.
- Right.
- How's that dinner coming dear?
- Well if you two will come to the table,
I'll go and get Billy.
- I hope you're hungry Mister Crabneck.
- Hungry, why I'm famished.
I could suck a waste tube
from here to the edge.
- Good.
We're all here now, so we can start.
- Speaking of soups,
would you believe I recorded
14,937 GPM's last shift.
Some of those tubes were getting real hot.
- I find talking business
at the dinner table
awfully offensive, Henry.
Don't you, Mir-- Miriam?
- Well, Marty,
sometimes I just don't
understand all the talk
about PM's, viscosity, all
that technical talk like,
what makes the tube hot.
- You Miriam.
(laughing)
- GPM's means gallons per minute, dear.
Viscosity is a measurement of how quickly
a given fluid can pass through
a certain size orifice.
- That can cause an an eruption, Miriam.
- What makes our tubes hot,
is the friction caused
by the viscous fluid
flowing through the walls of the tube.
- Hollowhead, I do believe
you've embarrassed your wife.
- So what happens next Dad?
- The heat can cause
a rupture pretty soon and you've got
fluid spraying everywhere.
- Love to.
Of course the equation changes,
depending upon the length of the tube,
but that's not your
department, is it Henry?
- Oh but it could be.
Henry's just a little bit quiet
about his talents, Mister Crabneck.
- Uh uh uh, it's Marty.
- I'm sorry.
I'm just not used to
calling my husband's bosses
by their first names.
- Don't think of me as
your husband's boss,
think of me as a very close friend.
- I believe you're the one
who's embarrassing my wife, Marty.
- That's Mister Crabneck to you.
And who gave you permission
to unplug your pipe meter, monkey.
- Dinner's over, I think
it's time to leave.
- Seal it screw-top before
you're up a purge pipe
without a paddle.
- Now Henry, I don't that
that mister, uh Marty,
really means it, I think
he's kidding that's all.
He's just kidding, you
wouldn't want to do anything
to lose your job, now would you?
- I'm not gonna lose my job, Miriam.
I've been with UU for almost 20 years now.
I started in the waste
department, as a reamer,
and spent shift after shift
crawling through rust-encrusted pipes.
- Henry, please sit down.
- Dad?
- I think that Marty was just kidding,
weren't you Marty?
May I serve you, Marty?
- Yes, I would love you
to serve me, Miriam.
Mmm, this looks delicious.
Please forgive me, Miriam.
I had a bad time at work.
You see the demand for
tubes, why it's overwhelming.
We pump eight billion
gallons in every station,
and I, I am personally responsible
for almost 16 million miles of tubes.
What the pipe stick am I talking about?
Why you must be bored stiff,
listening to us talk shop Miriam.
- Why no, I find Henry's
work very interesting.
- Yes, why I was just telling
Miriam what would happen
if only one of our pumping
stations broke down.
- You mean like what happened
just a little while ago?
- Are you trying to say in
that half-formed way of yours
that something is wrong
with our tubes, young man?
- Some of Mom's tubes are blocked.
- [Henry] Some of the lines were blocked?
- Yeah.
Me and Joey had to go
to the pumping station
and complain to station monster Babbleaxe.
- You complained?
Why you little bezore.
You're too lenient with
your children, Henry.
Too many privileges,
children need discipline.
You don't want them winding
up as rationalists, do you?
- What's wrong with that?
People should have the right
to think what they want to think.
What difference it make?
- I'll tell you what difference it makes.
United Umbilical was not
founded by a bunch of lowlife
sludge-sucking, rat-reaming rationalists.
And if they were to find out
that you lean even
slightly in that direction,
they'd cut your tubes off so fast,
the only thing you could do
is crawl into a two-line and
flush yourself off the edge.
I should know.
My ex-wife was,
was a--
- A rationalist?
- Didn't you know that
when you married her?
- No, I married her
because she was a sumptuous
piece of throbbing flesh.
- What's that mean Dad?
- Never mind, son.
- And because she looked
good at company parties.
- What happened?
- It was at one of
those very same parties,
that I found the leak in her mainline.
She was a rationalist,
and I mean a real card-carrying member.
She as much as announced it right there
in front of the entire upper
management of United Umbilical.
But of course I had no choice.
- You divorced her?
- Divorce is such an ugly word,
I prefer, dispensed.
- You must have loved her deeply.
- Often.
But I'm a company man,
and you know what kind of
business this is, Miriam.
It's a cruel business.
A cruel, cruel, cruel,
cruel, cruel business.
You never know what you're up against.
That's why I have to
maintain control at UU.
If you're going anyplace
in our business Henry,
you have to be ramrod tough, ramrod.
Nothing less will do.
Now you Henry, you lack the substance,
the real meat, your ramrod helper.
Without me you're nothing.
- I don't like your tone, Mister Crabneck.
- Miriam, I plan on nothing less,
than blazing a trail right to
the top of United Umbilical.
- What about Henry?
- Henry?
- [Miriam] Henry.
- A promotion in UU?
- Yes, me me.
I think I'm long overdue for a promotion.
- And after all, he is featured
in the current issue of Tube Times.
- He was voted number one
meter man in his section,
three times in a row.
- Three times.
- Yes damn it, everybody knows
I'm the best meter man in the business.
- Then why would anyone
want to promote you?
- Yes, of course.
That's right.
If you're really good at your job,
why would anyone promote you away from it?
- Now you're getting it, Henry.
The fact is, that our
industry isn't for boys.
It's a cruel business.
You're a smart woman, Miriam.
You understand that it's a
cruel, cruel, cruel business.
Cruel,
- Dad!
Cruel business.
So unless your husband
can offer something more
than his sterling qualities.
- Maybe I am too good for my job.
(laughing)
- Mister Crabneck, are
you suggesting that if I?
That Henry will?
- Call me Marty, Miriam.
- I could screw up the whole works.
(dramatic orchestral music)
- It will grow on you.
- Dad!
- [Marty] Let me have it.
Come on Miriam, you know you want it.
- No I don't.
- No means yes.
- Promote me.
Billy?
Hey, where'd everybody go?
Hey, what's going on in--
Mister Crabneck, what are you doing?
- Cap it, before I stick you sideways
through an eight-inch.
Now, come on Miriam, let me have it.
- You want it Marty, all right you get it.
- That's it, Hollowhead.
No raise for you.
- Well I'm too good for your UU.
You just say the word, Miriam,
and this guy's crap.
(muffled)
- Yeah, get him Dad!
- Take this.
And this.
- Do you remember what we
talked about over dinner, Henry?
Now I'm going to show you just how cruel
this business really is.
- Please stop, Marty please.
I'll do anything.
I'll do what you want.
- Stop him Mom, stop him.
Yuck.
- Did I kill him, Miriam?
Is he dead?
- No.
- He's not dead?
- No, I mean, you didn't kill him.
I did, I mean,
I think I did.
- Oh Billy, don't.
- Yep, he's dead all right.
(screaming)
- What do we do now Henry?
- I don't know, I've
never done this before.
- That's it.
Starting tomorrow you're reaming pipes
outside on number nine.
- I have to sit down.
Miriam, I don't believe this.
My boss is lying there on
our kitchen floor, dead.
Do you know what this means?
It means I don't get my
promotion, he has to okay it.
- Your promotion?
Henry, what about your career?
We just committed murder.
If they find out, they'll
throw us off the edge.
- There really is an edge?
- What about regeneration?
- Oh Henry, that only works
when they're still alive.
- Oh, hey wait a minute,
how do we know he's not still alive?
We didn't check.
- If you want to go
back in there and check,
you go right ahead.
- I will.
- No son, this is a job
for the man of the house.
(growling)
- Mister Crabneck, I mean, Marty.
- Oh purge.
- Well, that surely should have done it.
- I'm gonna find out.
He's still alive!
- How could he be?
- Well he is, we can still save him.
- Save him? Are you out of your mind?
He's sleaze, he tried to kill us.
- Yeah Dad, he's muck.
- Billy.
- We can't let him die.
- We can't let him live.
- I suppose you're right.
- Somebody's coming!
- Quick.
- Wait!
We can't leave him here.
- We can hide him in the kitchen.
- Good idea, come on, give me a hand.
(light orchestral music)
- Mom? Dad?
What's humpin'?
- He's totally liquified.
- What do you mean?
- [Miriam] How do you know?
- Bud, what's going on here?
- I just got back from the party, Dad.
I'm afraid my friend here may have had
a little too much to drink.
- Oh Bud.
I really can't believe this.
- Oh yeah, home.
I had to come home, Dad.
I couldn't stand that party.
- [Henry] Why not, Bud?
- The new songs,
the guys were right, they
didn't work, they hated them.
- Oh Bud, honey, I'm so sorry.
- Miriam?
Bud?
- I'm so hungry.
- Bud, sit down before you fall down.
Can't you hear me Bud,
what's wrong with you?
- Don't burst the pipe.
- Get some cold water Miriam.
- What are we going to do?
- Dad, can you forget about, you know?
- Don't just stand there, do
as I say, get some cold water.
(doorbell ringing)
- No, Miriam, you get the door.
- [Miriam] I'm getting the water.
- Miriam, the door, now.
- The water, the door.
- Another critic.
- Missus Hollowhead?
- Yes, may I help you?
Cindy!
- We thought it best that we
escort your daughter home.
- What happened?
Are you all right?
- Well, she was attending
a party in which the kids
found out a way how to pirate
into an extremely restricted feed line,
and well, your daughter obviously
has gone through some
experimentation tonight.
- Ma'am if we could just bring
your daughter into the house.
- Uh, no.
- Pardon me?
- Well, I mean, my house
is in such a state,
couldn't you just leave her?
- Is everything okay in here?
- Well, I uh, well,
I guess if you don't mind the mess.
Do um, make yourself at home.
Henry?
(laughing)
The police are here.
What are we going to do?
- Let me handle this.
Hello officers.
Good shift.
- Good shift.
- What seems to be the trouble?
- Well Mister Hollowhead,
we had to bring your daughter home.
She and a bunch of her friends
apparently tapped into a highly restricted
vapor feed source.
- How could that be possible?
- The shame of it is,
no matter what we do,
these kids, they're gonna
find a way to get in.
We notified UU about the illegal tap,
and we also notified them about the fact
that there was minors under the influence.
- Influence?
- Your daughter and a friend
have apparently been mixing vapors.
- [Miriam] Bless you, you.
- Thank you.
Not now.
Not now, it was earlier.
(laughing)
- I tell you sir, we found well over
two pounds of softening jelly on her.
- Two pounds?
- Miriam?
Miriam, dear.
- And also there's some physical evidence
that would lead us to
believe that your daughter--
- She was--
- She had been--
- Severely compromised.
- My little angel foam, tell Daddy,
do you know who did this to you?
- Oh yes, I'll always remember.
I mean, I don't remember all of them.
- Was Oliver a part of this?
- Oliver?
- [Henry] Oliver.
- Oh Oliver, no no, he didn't.
- Oliver couldn't,
are we talking about one Oliver Digits?
17, brown hair, brown
eyes, useless presence.
- That's right.
- He overdosed.
He's all hopped up on the butt polish.
When are kids gonna learn to
just say no to butt polish?
- Oh but fortunately, I had these
two big strong,
policemen there to save me.
- Cindy, Cindy honey,
don't you think it's time
that you were in bed?
Cindy?
(sobbing)
Thank you officers, I think
I can handle this now.
- Excuse me sir,
could you please explain
to me why you and your wife
are covered with some
sort of tubal discharge?
- Well, we had a ruptured valve,
in a splat-spray game.
- Let's just try that again.
- Well, no.
No.
- Our son, Billy,
he has one of those new
games, you know, splat-spray.
- But don't forget the
ruptured valve, dear.
- [Cop] May we see where
the rupture occurred?
- No!
- It's just that it's a mess.
Besides, Henry works for United Umbilical
as an authorized serviceman.
Don't you dear?
- Yes, that's right, I do, yes.
- Well, could I see your
identification, sir?
- Oh sure.
- Okay, you might want to
be a little more careful
in the future there, Mister Hollowhead.
- Oh yes, thank you I will, I will be.
- And,
this thing about your daughter, remember,
the wellspring of control
lies within the father,
then it runs out.
- Cindy, honey.
Cindy,
Cindy sweetie, what are
you doing down there?
(laughing)
- Thank you very very much for your time.
You've been so kind, you must
have children of your own.
- No, I usually have to buy 'em.
Hey.
- [Miriam] Good shift.
- Good shift.
- Your daughter, she'll be fine,
but for safety's sake,
you'll probably want to have her drained.
- Drained?
- Wow, Bud, you ought to hear this.
Bud?
(screaming)
- Let me out of here!
- Hey hey hey, hold it right there.
What seems to be the problem?
(growling in the kitchen)
- I got ya!
(laughing)
- When are you kids gonna learn?
- They want to live life on the edge.
They're going to.
- Oh, why did he ever
come over for dinner?
- This has been the
worst shift of my life.
- Ah it hasn't been that bad, Mom.
- Yes it has.
Jeff didn't even show up at the party,
and I had to feed Grandpa.
- Mom, Dad, that's it.
- [Cindy] Hi Marty.
- It's about time you two got up.
I'm so upset with both of you.
To think that my children
would ever make me ashamed of them.
- Mom, just because Cindy got caught
with all that softening jelly
is no reason to take it out on me.
- Bud, you spaced out
son of a pipe polisher.
- Cindy.
- Stop it you two.
I don't want to hear another
word from either one of you.
Or do you want us to start following
children's home rules, like other parents.
- Hi Dad.
- Well now, there's my boy.
- He's not your boy.
I mean, he's your little man now.
It is so nice to have
everything back to normal.
Billy, I fixed your favorite.
- [Cindy] Brackish spring again, Mother?
- It's still breathing.
- Breathing?
That shows how little you know.
That means it's not properly aged.
- When I was your age Bud,
we were more interested in
basic survival techniques.
- Yes Henry, but things change.
After all, you don't
have to push everything
through a tube by hand anymore.
It's a different world.
- That's true dear,
now it just sucks by itself.
Say, whose turn is it to feed Grandpa?
We're all together,
and we're a family,
so let's all feed Grandpa together, huh?
Mealtime, Grandpa.
I hope your hungry, Mister Crabneck.
- [Billy] Dad, there's one
thing I don't understand.
- Yes.
- You know how you said
it was bad to fight?
- Yes I did.
- Did we do a bad thing
to Mister Crabneck?
- No, not at all son.
Do you remember what else we talked about?
- It's the blind man who
follows the trail in the dark.
- That's right son.
(uplifting orchestral music)
Good shift, Grandpa.
- And good shift to you, Marty.
- [Billy] As it turned out,
it wasn't a pipe dream after all.
Dad finally got his promotion.
He told me later, it was
all a matter of timing.
The right place, at the right time.
As for me, I just go with the flow.
(whistle blowing)
(dramatic rock music)
♪ I've been looking for a good home ♪
♪ Are you looking for a
different kind of thing ♪
♪ Well you're looking at a good time ♪
♪ We've got terms that
I'm sure you can swing ♪
♪ We are a family over five ♪
♪ In need of a once in a lie ♪
♪ I seen fever in your tie-dyes ♪
♪ I hear the need in
the voice of your wife ♪
♪ And then let me tell you
about the perfect place ♪
♪ Everyone there wears a smiling face ♪
♪ Lots of good homes, good jobs to do ♪
♪ And all of the latest conveniences too ♪
♪ It's a life on the edge ♪
♪ A life on the edge ♪
♪ A life on the edge ♪
♪ A life on the edge ♪
♪ Your personal Eden ♪
♪ The hanging gardens of old Babylon ♪
♪ Eighth wonder of the New World ♪
♪ Though the quality of thought was gone ♪
♪ Have you had an enticement ♪
♪ Your moving cops are all paid ♪
♪ We're flowing along on security ♪
♪ Sign here sir, don't hesitate ♪
♪ Take my word it's a perfect place ♪
♪ Every day puts another
smile on your face ♪
♪ Lots of good homes, good jobs to do ♪
♪ And all of the latest conveniences too ♪
♪ It's a life on the edge ♪
♪ A life on the edge ♪
♪ A life on the edge ♪
♪ A life on the edge ♪
♪ Take my word you can trust me ♪
♪ If you're ready you
can leave like today ♪
♪ I can see you're a man of vision ♪
♪ Don't let this chance get away ♪
♪ It's a place where you hold the future ♪
♪ It's truly man's last frontier ♪
♪ No man is perfectly safe there ♪
♪ They haven't seen those in years ♪
♪ Don't you think it's a perfect place ♪
♪ Every day puts another
smile on your face ♪
♪ Lots of good homes, good jobs to do ♪
♪ And all of the latest conveniences too ♪
♪ It's a life on the edge ♪
♪ A life on the edge ♪
♪ A life on the edge ♪
♪ A life on the edge ♪
♪ A life on the edge ♪
♪ A life on the edge ♪
♪ A life on the edge ♪
♪ A life on the edge ♪
♪ A life on the edge ♪
♪ A life on the edge ♪
♪ A life on the edge ♪
♪ A life on the edge ♪
♪ A life on the edge ♪