Marsha: The Erotic Housewife (1970) - full transcript

[Music]

so

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okay tiger you've made the threshold

okay tiger you've made the threshold
thing i think you better put me down

thing i think you better put me down
before you break your back and i'm not

before you break your back and i'm not
going to spend my wedding night sitting

going to spend my wedding night sitting
up with you in a fracture ward

up with you in a fracture ward
not just yet my mouth not until i

not just yet my mouth not until i
delivered you to this couch of

delivered you to this couch of
yonder



you see if i put you down sooner you

you see if i put you down sooner you
might have made good your escape

might have made good your escape
not a chance do you think after all the

not a chance do you think after all the
work i put into catching you i'd let you

work i put into catching you i'd let you
go now

go now
well i thought i did all the chasing

you know better than that

you know better than that
i know i've got to be the happiest girl

i know i've got to be the happiest girl
in the world

in the world
you should be i just made an honest

you should be i just made an honest
woman out of you

woman out of you
that's not very nice to say even if it

that's not very nice to say even if it
is true

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but like they say in the movies i'm

but like they say in the movies i'm
gonna slip into something more

gonna slip into something more
comfortable

comfortable
okay honey while you do i think i'll

okay honey while you do i think i'll
find some of that bubbly that i hear

find some of that bubbly that i hear
from all the well-wishers

from all the well-wishers
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so

if you need anything just whistle you do

if you need anything just whistle you do
know how to whistle don't you

know how to whistle don't you
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just how long do you think a man can

just how long do you think a man can
stand to see you walking around an

stand to see you walking around an
outfit like that

outfit like that
well not long i hope why do you think i

well not long i hope why do you think i
put it on

this is ridiculous i mean we do have a

this is ridiculous i mean we do have a
marriage license don't we

marriage license don't we
i think it's time that i got into

i think it's time that i got into
something more comfortable

something more comfortable
and i couldn't agree more

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you stop staring at me for pete's sake i

you stop staring at me for pete's sake i
feel like i should be in a

feel like i should be in a
laboratory jar or something but i like

laboratory jar or something but i like
to look at you

to look at you
i think

and i think you are evil minded

and i think you are evil minded
and immoral you told me you made an

and immoral you told me you made an
honest woman of me

honest woman of me
i guess i did wanton as you may be i

i guess i did wanton as you may be i
suppose i've stuck with you

suppose i've stuck with you
lucky you

well it's nice to know if you do too

well it's nice to know if you do too
much talking i do have a way to shut you

much talking i do have a way to shut you
up

up
oh very funny you turned me to jelly and

oh very funny you turned me to jelly and
then become a comedian

then become a comedian
hey what's going on what's the matter

hey what's going on what's the matter
with you guys it's

with you guys it's
fun it's fun but this is our wedding

fun it's fun but this is our wedding
night no gregory you got to come up for

night no gregory you got to come up for
air sometime

air sometime
hey you're quite a guy man but you got

hey you're quite a guy man but you got
to come up for a breather here and there

to come up for a breather here and there
between rounds

what's going on how come you guys know

what's going on how come you guys know
how come your timing is so perfect

how come your timing is so perfect
we just made a little recording of the

we just made a little recording of the
festivities greg oh boy i thought you

festivities greg oh boy i thought you
might like it in your old age

here honey so you won't be upset here's

here honey so you won't be upset here's
a recording of it and you'll be able to

a recording of it and you'll be able to
enjoy it in the years to come

enjoy it in the years to come
i guess we're stuck with them baby

i guess we're stuck with them baby
neither of us are in a position to get

neither of us are in a position to get
up and throw them out

i guess so let's have a party

give

oh i don't know phyllis i knew i'd be

oh i don't know phyllis i knew i'd be
happy with greg

happy with greg
but that first year was just beyond my

but that first year was just beyond my
wildest dreams i know

wildest dreams i know
remember we've been like this since the

remember we've been like this since the
year one

year one
when you two got married everybody was

when you two got married everybody was
so happy for you

so happy for you
we all knew you had something great

we all knew you had something great
going

that's about the time mine went to worms

remember

remember
you just can't figure it you put one

you just can't figure it you put one
together for a while and it works

together for a while and it works
at least it seems to you just never

at least it seems to you just never
really know

really know
i know when greg and i first got married

i know when greg and i first got married
he seemed to settle down a bit

he seemed to settle down a bit
then he got his big promotion with the

then he got his big promotion with the
company and i guess like all bachelors

company and i guess like all bachelors
who finally do take the plunge

who finally do take the plunge
he was maturing to his new

he was maturing to his new
responsibilities

responsibilities
i didn't mind the long hours or even the

i didn't mind the long hours or even the
occasional business trips he had to make

occasional business trips he had to make
he was happy and i was happy for his

he was happy and i was happy for his
success

i was also thinking about that little

i was also thinking about that little
vacation we've been planning

vacation we've been planning
the trip started off beautifully then

the trip started off beautifully then
greg got careless

greg got careless
fortunately the ticket he got was a good

fortunately the ticket he got was a good
warning and he was careful from then on

warning and he was careful from then on
it was really going to be a belated

it was really going to be a belated
honeymoon

honeymoon
we just never seem to have been able to

we just never seem to have been able to
get away for more than

get away for more than
a weekend since we married and then i

a weekend since we married and then i
was looking forward to the trip up the

was looking forward to the trip up the
california coast

california coast
i've never seen any of those famous

i've never seen any of those famous
places like big sur

places like big sur
carmel or monterey

i just couldn't believe how beautiful it

i just couldn't believe how beautiful it
was

was
and with just greg and i to enjoy it

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has its share of losing

when you deal yourself

when you deal yourself
a winning hand

a winning hand
it's your game

and if you

the realize of giving

the realize of giving
you smile again

knowing you won't dread

knowing you won't dread
tomorrow

tomorrow
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don't forsake what's your own

happiness keep saying

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we spent hours just walking the quaint

we spent hours just walking the quaint
streets and

streets and
buying all those silly little things

buying all those silly little things
that mean so much in later life

that mean so much in later life
we stayed at a lovely little hotel

we stayed at a lovely little hotel
it seemed so private sometimes that we

it seemed so private sometimes that we
felt we were in our own

felt we were in our own
little castle

and yet at those times when it was nice

and yet at those times when it was nice
to have a drink and

to have a drink and
talk with other people there was always

talk with other people there was always
someone around to that too

someone around to that too
when we met natalie and george i guess i

when we met natalie and george i guess i
should have suspected something

should have suspected something
but the plain truth of the matter is

but the plain truth of the matter is
that i was so in love with greg that i

that i was so in love with greg that i
couldn't see anything else

couldn't see anything else
oh dum-dum he would probably get stoned

oh dum-dum he would probably get stoned
and want to fall into bed at 12 o'clock

and want to fall into bed at 12 o'clock
he's great fun to take along on a

he's great fun to take along on a
vacation

vacation
i tried to get kerry grant as a

i tried to get kerry grant as a
replacement but he had too many prior

replacement but he had too many prior
commitments

commitments
i'd be happy just with someone who

i'd be happy just with someone who
didn't turn into a pumpkin at midnight

didn't turn into a pumpkin at midnight
well he doesn't i can vouch for that

well he doesn't i can vouch for that
what is this

what is this
i sound like i'm on the auction block or

i sound like i'm on the auction block or
something anybody want to check my team

well come on you party poops let's have

well come on you party poops let's have
another round of drinks

another round of drinks
and maybe we'll find some inspiration

and maybe we'll find some inspiration
way to eat

way to eat
and you really need inspiration around

and you really need inspiration around
here i've never

here i've never
seen so many great restaurants

seen so many great restaurants
and have i've been taking advantage of

and have i've been taking advantage of
it i'm going to be afraid to get on the

it i'm going to be afraid to get on the
scales by the time we get home

scales by the time we get home
yes we have to be careful of that

yes we have to be careful of that
darling for those of us who can eat all

darling for those of us who can eat all
they want and never

they want and never
gain an ounce

holy mackerel you're always telling me

holy mackerel you're always telling me
that i drink too much and then you do

that i drink too much and then you do
this to me

this to me
where'd you learn how to make drinks at

where'd you learn how to make drinks at
a boilermakers convention sorry about

a boilermakers convention sorry about
that darling

that darling
i thought for a moment you could hang in

i thought for a moment you could hang in
there with the big kids

there with the big kids
here it is julio's i forgot about it

here it is julio's i forgot about it
until i saw it

until i saw it
do you remember a friend was telling us

do you remember a friend was telling us
how great the food was there

how great the food was there
can we go there to eat tonight please

can we go there to eat tonight please
sure baby

sure baby
why not sounds great

why not sounds great
come on let's drink up

come on let's drink up
i can't remember when or if i've ever

i can't remember when or if i've ever
had a better dinner

had a better dinner
thank you though my pleasure yes sir

thank you though my pleasure yes sir
a meal like that always makes me think

a meal like that always makes me think
what a brilliant guy the man was that

what a brilliant guy the man was that
invented the siesta

invented the siesta
see what i mean seen your crash and burn

see what i mean seen your crash and burn
gotcha i actually was just about to ask

gotcha i actually was just about to ask
marsha if i could have the honor of the

marsha if i could have the honor of the
next dance

next dance
how about it marsha should we show this

how about it marsha should we show this
bunch of old fogies what the younger

bunch of old fogies what the younger
generation can do

generation can do
right george we'll show him what about

right george we'll show him what about
you nat i mean we can't let a challenge

you nat i mean we can't let a challenge
like that go unanswered now can we

like that go unanswered now can we
no thanks i'd like to pass i just cut my

no thanks i'd like to pass i just cut my
foot on the beach and my shoes are

foot on the beach and my shoes are
rubbing on the sore spot

rubbing on the sore spot
okay listen i'm gonna sit up with a sick

okay listen i'm gonna sit up with a sick
friend you guys go on and enjoy yourself

friend you guys go on and enjoy yourself
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i didn't know about your foot i'm sorry

i didn't know about your foot i'm sorry
how did it happen

it hasn't yet what

it hasn't yet what
oh it's just that i like to take nice

oh it's just that i like to take nice
long late walks on the beach

long late walks on the beach
a person does cut their foot sometimes

a person does cut their foot sometimes
on a piece of shell or stones

besides i think a man should always have

besides i think a man should always have
his excuses made in advance don't you

his excuses made in advance don't you
i sure do how about you greg don't you

i sure do how about you greg don't you
like to take

like to take
nice long leg walks especially on the

nice long leg walks especially on the
beach

beach
how about tonight 1 30. i'd love to hey

how about tonight 1 30. i'd love to hey
but wait a minute it's a big ocean

but wait a minute it's a big ocean
i mean an awful lot of beaches out there

i mean an awful lot of beaches out there
i know but at the end of the street our

i know but at the end of the street our
motels on there's a big tree

motels on there's a big tree
and a little path that runs down to the

and a little path that runs down to the
beach

beach
very small beach very nice at 1 30 or

very small beach very nice at 1 30 or
thereabouts

thereabouts
it's a deal

well how about that dance what about

well how about that dance what about
your foot i just kicked my shoes off

your foot i just kicked my shoes off
besides dum-dums forgotten about it by

besides dum-dums forgotten about it by
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now

now
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what's the matter darling oh nothing

what's the matter darling oh nothing
baby

baby
my mouth's just a little dry i think it

my mouth's just a little dry i think it
must have been a salad dressing

why don't you go back to sleep baby

why don't you go back to sleep baby
you've had some long days and some very

you've had some long days and some very
hard nights

hard nights
i can't have you getting sick good night

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we just talked about walking you didn't

we just talked about walking you didn't
talk about this kind of stuff

talk about this kind of stuff
you know exactly what kind of stuff we

you know exactly what kind of stuff we
came here for

came here for
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[Applause]

[Applause]
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[Applause]

[Applause]
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uh

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um

um
greg is that you what are you doing

greg is that you what are you doing
i think honey go back to sleep

i think honey go back to sleep
what are you doing you forgot your

what are you doing you forgot your
clothes on uh yeah

clothes on uh yeah
i was dressed a little while i just went

i was dressed a little while i just went
out for a little walk that's all

out for a little walk that's all
oh wow this time of the morning

oh wow this time of the morning
i had indigestion i got it from that

i had indigestion i got it from that
gourmet dinner we ate tonight you know

gourmet dinner we ate tonight you know
and uh i was tossing and turning and

and uh i was tossing and turning and
everything i just didn't want to bother

everything i just didn't want to bother
you

you
oh come on in bed sweetie if i

oh come on in bed sweetie if i
wake up while you were going i'd have

wake up while you were going i'd have
been bothered okay baby

been bothered okay baby
i just wanna i just want to take a quick

i just wanna i just want to take a quick
shower a shower this time of the morning

this is gonna sound stupid i know but it

this is gonna sound stupid i know but it
was such a beautiful night and i was

was such a beautiful night and i was
walking down by the beach and it was

walking down by the beach and it was
warm and everything

warm and everything
i was just kidding oh you're gonna be

i was just kidding oh you're gonna be
some dirt nuts

some dirt nuts
skinny dipping at three o'clock in the

skinny dipping at three o'clock in the
morning you didn't even take me with you

morning you didn't even take me with you
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you know when you're young and in love

you know when you're young and in love
you're blind to anything that could

you're blind to anything that could
possibly burst the bubble

possibly burst the bubble
must be another gypsy saying at least if

must be another gypsy saying at least if
i ever find a knowledge if they'll have

i ever find a knowledge if they'll have
to ask him about it

but in those early days of our marriage

but in those early days of our marriage
i never dreamed of doubting anything

i never dreamed of doubting anything
greg said

greg said
besides i was happy with my little

besides i was happy with my little
secret

honey i'm home stay right by the door

honey i'm home stay right by the door
greg i have a surprise for you

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hey this is more like it who are we

hey this is more like it who are we
having for dinner

having for dinner
jackie and airy nothing that glamorous

jackie and airy nothing that glamorous
i thought i'd just like to enjoy a last

i thought i'd just like to enjoy a last
supper

supper
what do you mean last supper well it's

what do you mean last supper well it's
going to be the last second for a while

going to be the last second for a while
because i'm going to stop worrying about

because i'm going to stop worrying about
counting calories

counting calories
i'm in a little weight because from now

i'm in a little weight because from now
on

on
ain't gonna be able to stop it you're

ain't gonna be able to stop it you're
gonna be able to stop it

you gotta be kidding i mean it's not a

you gotta be kidding i mean it's not a
false alarm or anything is it did you

false alarm or anything is it did you
get

get
how do you know but you you know what i

how do you know but you you know what i
need darling i can't have the rabbits in

need darling i can't have the rabbits in
southern california

southern california
i'm gonna gain weight and you're gonna

i'm gonna gain weight and you're gonna
be a daddy let's have a drink why don't

be a daddy let's have a drink why don't
you touch that drink don't you lift

you touch that drink don't you lift
anything that's gonna hurt that little

anything that's gonna hurt that little
baby boy you take care of yourself put

baby boy you take care of yourself put
that out of the way

that out of the way
you're just gonna make sweet little fat

you're just gonna make sweet little fat
babies big greg

babies big greg
i'll take care of everything honey sit

i'll take care of everything honey sit
back i think those months while we

back i think those months while we
waited for the baby were the happiest in

waited for the baby were the happiest in
my entire life

my entire life
greg just couldn't seem to do enough for

greg just couldn't seem to do enough for
me

me
i thought at the time junior greg might

i thought at the time junior greg might
become upset with our reduced sexual

become upset with our reduced sexual
activity

activity
being as he is a man of such strong

being as he is a man of such strong
physical needs

physical needs
he took the whole thing with complete

he took the whole thing with complete
common understanding

common understanding
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i've been timing them i think we better

i've been timing them i think we better
be going

what do you mean you've been timing them

what do you mean you've been timing them
how long have they been going on

how long have they been going on
since early this evening since early

since early this evening since early
this evening

this evening
well come on you dangling we've got to

well come on you dangling we've got to
get started

get started
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that's exactly what i'm not going to be

that's exactly what i'm not going to be
into dingling

into dingling
dashing talk to the hospital the first

dashing talk to the hospital the first
sign of a gas pain

sign of a gas pain
we've got plenty of time plenty of time

we've got plenty of time plenty of time
she says i could see my son being born

she says i could see my son being born
in the front seat of a police car

in the front seat of a police car
officer muldoon officiated

our son that you're so convinced we're

our son that you're so convinced we're
gonna have

gonna have
on sony's way we got plenty of time

on sony's way we got plenty of time
my case

my case
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so

what do you mean the drivers are on

what do you mean the drivers are on
strike i can't help that i want some

strike i can't help that i want some
diapers and you're my diaper service

diapers and you're my diaper service
do you have that racket in the

do you have that racket in the
background i've got a sick baby here

background i've got a sick baby here
we're both screaming for diapers

i don't care just get some diapers over

i don't care just get some diapers over
here

here
hello baby how's the monster

hello baby how's the monster
can't you tell by just listening don't

can't you tell by just listening don't
worry about that

worry about that
a crying baby's just a healthy baby

a crying baby's just a healthy baby
listen why don't we have us a couple of

listen why don't we have us a couple of
martinis sit down and relax and i'm sure

martinis sit down and relax and i'm sure
the whole world will look a lot better

the whole world will look a lot better
oh great there's nothing in the house to

oh great there's nothing in the house to
drink i didn't get a chance to get to

drink i didn't get a chance to get to
the market today

the market today
oh what a day you know the damn diaper

oh what a day you know the damn diaper
service is on strike and little greg's

service is on strike and little greg's
been burping up everything he ate today

been burping up everything he ate today
can we just send out for a pizza or

can we just send out for a pizza or
something just wait

something just wait
one minute you've been here all day with

one minute you've been here all day with
a baby that has a little cold

a baby that has a little cold
and you tell me you can't even send out

and you tell me you can't even send out
to the liquor store to get some gin

to the liquor store to get some gin
suppose i ran my office like that one

suppose i ran my office like that one
secretary gets the flu as the whole

secretary gets the flu as the whole
place collapses right

place collapses right
greg i'm too bushed to argue with you

greg i'm too bushed to argue with you
the baby's been sick all day and i had

the baby's been sick all day and i had
to stay home with him

to stay home with him
oh big deal one woman one child

oh big deal one woman one child
suppose you had you were a broodmare

suppose you had you were a broodmare
with 10 kids and you didn't have any

with 10 kids and you didn't have any
modern conveniences

modern conveniences
what happens then if one of them gets

what happens then if one of them gets
sick the other nine star today

sick the other nine star today
if they were as selfish as you they

if they were as selfish as you they
should hell would

oh greg let's don't fight i know the

oh greg let's don't fight i know the
house is a mess and i'm a mess

house is a mess and i'm a mess
i'm trying to do the right things just

i'm trying to do the right things just
understand

understand
i'm sorry baby

i guess i'm a little strung out myself i

i guess i'm a little strung out myself i
had a pretty rough week

you know i suppose you know greg comes

you know i suppose you know greg comes
home he just wants a little of that

home he just wants a little of that
tender loving care that you've been

tender loving care that you've been
giving to little greg all day long

giving to little greg all day long
well it's my pleasure big greg

well it's my pleasure big greg
one good thing about this you can't

one good thing about this you can't
complain about me messing your hair up

complain about me messing your hair up
oh very funny

listen little greg stopped scatter

listen little greg stopped scatter
walling

walling
i guess he realizes the old master's

i guess he realizes the old master's
home in his rightful place

home in his rightful place
hmm maybe he thinks we're gonna make him

hmm maybe he thinks we're gonna make him
a little baby sister

a little baby sister
well as i always say honey anything his

well as i always say honey anything his
little heart desires

you see you're a mommy and you're still

you see you're a mommy and you're still
portable

shut up while you're still ahead

shut up while you're still ahead
[Music]

ruth uh give me harp dixon over in sales

ruth uh give me harp dixon over in sales
okay honey bring me back

[Music]

hello harp yeah greg

hello harp yeah greg
listen i just called to see if you could

listen i just called to see if you could
use that new girl i sent over to fill

use that new girl i sent over to fill
that in personnel

that in personnel
great i thought she might fit into your

great i thought she might fit into your
operation quite well

operation quite well
uh when did she start you've already

uh when did she start you've already
put her to work hey you don't mess

put her to work hey you don't mess
around do you pound

around do you pound
uh harvey speaking of messing around

uh harvey speaking of messing around
hands off

hands off
okay buddy right i don't mess with ruth

okay buddy right i don't mess with ruth
and you don't mess with my new friend

and you don't mess with my new friend
that's right

that's right
too good a deal to blow yeah okay i'll

too good a deal to blow yeah okay i'll
see you later

see you later
[Music]

bye-bye

bye-bye
yes honey oh i'm sorry i didn't bring my

yes honey oh i'm sorry i didn't bring my
watch with me today and i didn't realize

watch with me today and i didn't realize
it was so late

it was so late
okay you go on home have a nice evening

okay you go on home have a nice evening
i'll see you tomorrow

bye

hello yes this is craig banister

hello yes this is craig banister
oh yes i understand you passed our

oh yes i understand you passed our
practically impassable personnel test

practically impassable personnel test
yeah well listen when you finish why

yeah well listen when you finish why
don't you stop by here and we'll see if

don't you stop by here and we'll see if
we can figure out some appropriate means

we can figure out some appropriate means
and celebration

and celebration
oh you're right outside my office door

oh you're right outside my office door
i see they already taught you how to use

i see they already taught you how to use
the intercom phone system here

the intercom phone system here
yeah right i think i just might live to

yeah right i think i just might live to
regret this

my goodness sweetheart you certainly do

my goodness sweetheart you certainly do
seem to swing some weight around here

seem to swing some weight around here
well when you called and said you had to

well when you called and said you had to
have a job desperately

have a job desperately
i had to come to the aid of a damsel in

i had to come to the aid of a damsel in
stress

stress
oh you have no idea how difficult it is

oh you have no idea how difficult it is
for a little old divorced girl to get a

for a little old divorced girl to get a
job

job
divorced why yes

divorced why yes
well i guess i forgot to mention it when

well i guess i forgot to mention it when
i called yeah i finally dumped creepo

i called yeah i finally dumped creepo
he was getting to be more like stan

there see how defensive we get i didn't

there see how defensive we get i didn't
even want to tell you i was divorced

even want to tell you i was divorced
oh well that's enough of me and my

oh well that's enough of me and my
problems how's your lovely wife

problems how's your lovely wife
don't tell me let me guess right at this

don't tell me let me guess right at this
moment she's chilling the martinis

moment she's chilling the martinis
slipping into something very sexy a

slipping into something very sexy a
table set with candles in the best

table set with candles in the best
silver

silver
all ready for the very nice supper she's

all ready for the very nice supper she's
prepared for you

prepared for you
i think that's about right in almost

i think that's about right in almost
every detail

every detail
i can see her right now cleaning

i can see her right now cleaning
whichever end of the baby is at present

whichever end of the baby is at present
malfunctioning

malfunctioning
hair still in rollers of course and

hair still in rollers of course and
still in her bathrobe

still in her bathrobe
contemplating what fantastic gourmet

contemplating what fantastic gourmet
delight

delight
she's going to select for her enchanted

she's going to select for her enchanted
husband

husband
from her vast assortment of frozen tv

from her vast assortment of frozen tv
dinners

dinners
oh my the horrible realization that

oh my the horrible realization that
lotus land is air force

lotus land is air force
oh well how about that little

oh well how about that little
celebration you mentioned right

celebration you mentioned right
listen i know a place very quiet very

listen i know a place very quiet very
cozy

cozy
just a block away not a chance love

just a block away not a chance love
we go to my place where i shall serve

we go to my place where i shall serve
you

you
such delights that no amount of

such delights that no amount of
scientific ingenuity has ever been able

scientific ingenuity has ever been able
to freeze or package

to freeze or package
now that's a beautiful idea but first i

now that's a beautiful idea but first i
must make a very important business call

hello honey yes uh-huh

hello honey yes uh-huh
how's the baby that's fine listen honey

how's the baby that's fine listen honey
mike hargrave from over in the legal

mike hargrave from over in the legal
department just dropped by with all the

department just dropped by with all the
papers from the aristotle account

papers from the aristotle account
and yeah well it's fine but except the

and yeah well it's fine but except the
uh the new costs don't reflect the price

uh the new costs don't reflect the price
schedule

schedule
yeah it's going to take three or four

yeah it's going to take three or four
hours to straighten that mess out

hours to straighten that mess out
oh no i don't think i'll be late but

oh no i don't think i'll be late but
listen baby if i am now don't wait up

listen baby if i am now don't wait up
for me

for me
yeah when i get home i'm going to give

yeah when i get home i'm going to give
you a real nice big sweet juicy kiss

you a real nice big sweet juicy kiss
bye bye

talk about a pro

talk about a pro
oh baby i'd hate to have you two timing

oh baby i'd hate to have you two timing
on me

what you doing there

what you doing there
[Music]

[Music]
you gonna call daddy you're gonna grow

you gonna call daddy you're gonna grow
daddy on your telephone

daddy on your telephone
[Music]

daddy daddy come home

daddy daddy come home
when the baby first came i was

when the baby first came i was
definitely happy i knew

definitely happy i knew
greg was a little upset at times because

greg was a little upset at times because
i couldn't seem to run the house like an

i couldn't seem to run the house like an
efficient office

efficient office
but i was learning i also knew that if

but i was learning i also knew that if
greg ever resented all the attention

greg ever resented all the attention
and fussing that little greg needed he'd

and fussing that little greg needed he'd
get over that

get over that
too as soon as he was able to throw a

too as soon as he was able to throw a
football

football
or whatever fathers want their year old

or whatever fathers want their year old
sons to do

sons to do
and as much as i missed him when he had

and as much as i missed him when he had
to work evenings or go off on business

to work evenings or go off on business
trips

trips
i knew he was doing it all for a little

i knew he was doing it all for a little
greg and i

you know natalie when i first met you i

you know natalie when i first met you i
said to myself

said to myself
now there goes the greatest girl in the

now there goes the greatest girl in the
world

world
for late night walks on the beach

for late night walks on the beach
i'm gonna have to amend that you are

i'm gonna have to amend that you are
undoubtedly

undoubtedly
also the world's greatest remain cook

also the world's greatest remain cook
well i'm glad you appreciate me love it

well i'm glad you appreciate me love it
because you ought to see what i'm

because you ought to see what i'm
cooking up for you

i can next wait tell me

i can next wait tell me
[Music]

[Music]
it's not tell it's show time

uh

[Music]

[Music]
well i guess i'm gonna be a widow again

well i guess i'm gonna be a widow again
for a few days

for a few days
you know little greg and i are getting

you know little greg and i are getting
pretty good at holding down the fort

honey what time does your plane leave

honey what time does your plane leave
what time do we have to be at the

what time do we have to be at the
airport

airport
uh i'm glad you're asked baby i i i

uh i'm glad you're asked baby i i i
think i'm going to take that little

think i'm going to take that little
feeder line that goes from van ness over

feeder line that goes from van ness over
to international

to international
list i'll just drive a you know get a

list i'll just drive a you know get a
cab in the morning you sleep in

cab in the morning you sleep in
okay baby i understand you have to get

okay baby i understand you have to get
greg ready with all the diapers and

greg ready with all the diapers and
everything

everything
oh bless your heart baby you know that

oh bless your heart baby you know that
trip to the airport especially with a

trip to the airport especially with a
baby it's just not my idea of how to

baby it's just not my idea of how to
start a day off

you know i'm trying to think in some way

you know i'm trying to think in some way
i didn't thank you for being so thankful

let's go to bed

let's go to bed
[Music]

what are you doing in that big boy

what are you doing in that big boy
getting up your nerve putting all my

getting up your nerve putting all my
pajamas

pajamas

hey what kind of good night is that for

hey what kind of good night is that for
my husband who's going away for a week

my husband who's going away for a week
not for a week honey just for three days

not for a week honey just for three days
well it's gonna seem like a week i could

well it's gonna seem like a week i could
have told you it wouldn't do you any

have told you it wouldn't do you any
good to put these on

marsha baby i really do love you but i'm

marsha baby i really do love you but i'm
just so bushed

just so bushed
my mind is churning with everything i

my mind is churning with everything i
have to remember for tomorrow and

have to remember for tomorrow and
i just can't keep it on anything else

not tonight honey i'm too tired

not tonight honey i'm too tired
that's my line

honey your calves here listen i'm not

honey your calves here listen i'm not
going to go down with you i look upright

going to go down with you i look upright
you have a nice trip and call me tonight

you have a nice trip and call me tonight
let me know you got this safe

let me know you got this safe
okay okay honey i'll do all those things

okay okay honey i'll do all those things
i always do don't i

i always do don't i
well usually but i don't know about that

well usually but i don't know about that
behavior part

my chariot driver grows restless

my chariot driver grows restless
i'll call you every night

oh wow

i'm going to have to go to the airport

i'm going to have to go to the airport
after all

after all
[Music]

[Music]

me

[Music]

um

when the hurt wore off it was replaced

when the hurt wore off it was replaced
by anger

by anger
angry greg for abusing all the love and

angry greg for abusing all the love and
confidence i showered on him

confidence i showered on him
and anger at myself for being so

and anger at myself for being so
stupidly in love with him

stupidly in love with him
i couldn't see what a two-timing hill he

i couldn't see what a two-timing hill he
was

was
then my next emotion was revenge

then my next emotion was revenge
just for an opportunity for me to

just for an opportunity for me to
degrade our marriage the way he had done

degrade our marriage the way he had done
and i didn't waste any time getting

and i didn't waste any time getting
started

started
my social life with my girlfriends took

my social life with my girlfriends took
a giant leap forward

a giant leap forward
whenever greg was gone on one of his

whenever greg was gone on one of his
urgent business trips

urgent business trips
i had this wonderful elderly lady to

i had this wonderful elderly lady to
look after little greg

look after little greg
and i was already using greg's upcoming

and i was already using greg's upcoming
race for

race for
when i insisted that she come to live

when i insisted that she come to live
with us i decided he would move the day

with us i decided he would move the day
he traded in marcia

he traded in marcia
for that low-grade nymphomaniac

i'd like a double stinger in the rock

i'd like a double stinger in the rock
please

please
double stingray let's ride a double

double stingray let's ride a double
stinger in the roof

[Music]

here

[Music]

[Music]
very tasty oh the gentleman there wishes

very tasty oh the gentleman there wishes
to pay for it

to pay for it
i wonder why he said if any lady would

i wonder why he said if any lady would
order one of those you'd be only too

order one of those you'd be only too
happy to pay to watch your drinkage

happy to pay to watch your drinkage
well tell him you can't see from way

well tell him you can't see from way
down there i won't buy him

hi hi i

hi hi i
hope you don't mind of course i don't

hope you don't mind of course i don't
mind

mind
thanks for the drink you're welcome

thanks for the drink you're welcome
uh the name's frank frank turner i'm

uh the name's frank frank turner i'm
marcia

marcia
marsha marsha that's right martian

marsha marsha that's right martian
marshall okay no more questions

marshall okay no more questions
well i have one what was the big deal

well i have one what was the big deal
about the stinger

about the stinger
oh uh no big deal it was

oh uh no big deal it was
just the way you ordered it that's a

just the way you ordered it that's a
man-sized drink you know

man-sized drink you know
maybe i'm a man size girl

in that case uh harry

in that case uh harry
uh yeah give me uh two more and

uh yeah give me uh two more and
make them both double stringers

[Music]

so

[Music]

so

well here's two man-sized drinks and

well here's two man-sized drinks and
fan-sized girls

fan-sized girls
hey let's stop messing around

hey let's stop messing around
and start messing around

why don't we get out of these clothes

first

and i loved it i loved every minute with

and i loved it i loved every minute with
every man

every man
i loved it because that's the way we

i loved it because that's the way we
used each other

used each other
it's men and women i never had to

it's men and women i never had to
apologize if the martinis weren't just

apologize if the martinis weren't just
perfect

perfect
but it'd be nervous wrecked because the

but it'd be nervous wrecked because the
house wasn't in perfect order

house wasn't in perfect order
or if they picked up the baby at the

or if they picked up the baby at the
exact moment the baby needed changing

exact moment the baby needed changing
and then put up with him lambasting me

and then put up with him lambasting me
like i hadn't checked all day

like i hadn't checked all day
and i loved it because i didn't have to

and i loved it because i didn't have to
practically beg for five minutes of love

practically beg for five minutes of love
because he was saving it but that little

because he was saving it but that little
[ __ ] spread across his desk every night

[ __ ] spread across his desk every night
and i loved it most of all because he

and i loved it most of all because he
thought he was putting something over on

thought he was putting something over on
me

me
very often he was just the sweetest

very often he was just the sweetest
lovingest man you ever saw and i was

lovingest man you ever saw and i was
supposed to appreciate how much

supposed to appreciate how much
hey honey honey here i am working myself

hey honey honey here i am working myself
for death and you're sitting there

for death and you're sitting there
reading and watching the boob tube

reading and watching the boob tube
whatever happened to all those projects

whatever happened to all those projects
you were working on

oh i don't know honey everything just

oh i don't know honey everything just
gets so boring the same thing day

gets so boring the same thing day
in and day out i guess i just have the

in and day out i guess i just have the
old housewife

old housewife
yeah well i could understand that it's

yeah well i could understand that it's
the same way for us business dips you

the same way for us business dips you
know

know
everybody thinks we everybody thinks

everybody thinks we everybody thinks
it's so exciting because we jump on

it's so exciting because we jump on
airplanes and fly halfway around the

airplanes and fly halfway around the
world making big deals

world making big deals
it isn't true in order to make a deal

it isn't true in order to make a deal
you've got to bid so low

you've got to bid so low
that you outbid your competitors you

that you outbid your competitors you
can't even make a dollar out of it

can't even make a dollar out of it
then if you don't make the deal you got

then if you don't make the deal you got
to break your neck trying to make the

to break your neck trying to make the
next deal

next deal
what do you do all night you sit in a

what do you do all night you sit in a
hotel room reading reports

hotel room reading reports
blueprints specifications for the next

blueprints specifications for the next
job

now come to the conclusion it's just as

now come to the conclusion it's just as
dull being in business as it is being a

dull being in business as it is being a
housewife

housewife
the only difference between being in a

the only difference between being in a
groove and being in a rut

groove and being in a rut
is about ten years i know what uh well

is about ten years i know what uh well
let's see have your passport out again

let's see have your passport out again
where's your great sacrifice for the

where's your great sacrifice for the
company gonna take you this time

company gonna take you this time
paris rome are you going to have to

paris rome are you going to have to
settle for some dull place like

settle for some dull place like
london or tokyo oh baby don't be cruel

you know what it is on these short trips

you know what it is on these short trips
my body doesn't even get adjusted to the

my body doesn't even get adjusted to the
climate

climate
by the time i get there it's time to

by the time i get there it's time to
come home they're not glamour trips baby

come home they're not glamour trips baby
okay you'd set me up where are you going

okay you'd set me up where are you going
three

three
wonderful days in stuttgart the detroit

wonderful days in stuttgart the detroit
of germany

of germany
right in the middle of their slush

right in the middle of their slush
season oh it sounds marvelous

season oh it sounds marvelous
can i go with you honey i've told you a

can i go with you honey i've told you a
million times that this chintzy company

million times that this chintzy company
i worked for will not pick up the tab

i worked for will not pick up the tab
for wives

for wives
and we don't have fifteen hundred

and we don't have fifteen hundred
dollars so you can sit in some some

dollars so you can sit in some some
crummy hotel room looking out the window

crummy hotel room looking out the window
with the freezing rain and the melting

with the freezing rain and the melting
snow

baby i realize that it's like stir crazy

baby i realize that it's like stir crazy
around here for you

around here for you
hey why don't you take little greg over

hey why don't you take little greg over
to mrs garners and leave him for a

to mrs garners and leave him for a
couple of days and you go up to vegas

couple of days and you go up to vegas
you know spend a few dollars lay around

you know spend a few dollars lay around
the sun drop a few on the tables or

the sun drop a few on the tables or
whatever

whatever
i understand i think i will honey

i understand i think i will honey
i think i'll just do that sweet old

i think i'll just do that sweet old
greg's ego would never let him admit it

greg's ego would never let him admit it
but i had no intention of going to

but i had no intention of going to
stuttgart even if he had begged me

stuttgart even if he had begged me
and las vegas was exactly where i would

and las vegas was exactly where i would
have gone

have gone
even if he had forbidden because to put

even if he had forbidden because to put
it bluntly

it bluntly
las vegas was becoming my town

las vegas was becoming my town
i just craved the excitement the casinos

i just craved the excitement the casinos
were a gas i didn't care whether i

were a gas i didn't care whether i
gambled or not

gambled or not
just excitement enough but crazy as it

just excitement enough but crazy as it
sounds

sounds
i love the signs and the lights

i love the signs and the lights
every one of them was a trip i'd spend

every one of them was a trip i'd spend
an

an
hour turning on with a light then i'd go

hour turning on with a light then i'd go
see what was happening

see what was happening
with the kind of gambling i was

with the kind of gambling i was
interested in

[Music]

[Music]
i don't know about you other people but

i don't know about you other people but
i think it's kind of touching when

i think it's kind of touching when
someone names the song

someone names the song
not after you marsha for you whichever

not after you marsha for you whichever
it's not

it's not
[Music]

[Music]
i don't know about you but i feel my

i don't know about you but i feel my
luck returning

luck returning
you want to come along right there who

you want to come along right there who
missed for the world

hey thanks pete my pleasure i'll be

hey thanks pete my pleasure i'll be
right back

right back
yeah lady luck's still mad uh not

yeah lady luck's still mad uh not
tonight pete you better stay lucky i'm

tonight pete you better stay lucky i'm
gonna close it up soon

gonna close it up soon
it's kind of slow and i'm pushed okay

it's kind of slow and i'm pushed okay
pal you don't want our money

pal you don't want our money
we'll probably see you tomorrow good

we'll probably see you tomorrow good
night marty

night marty
right here you're right already

that's right the times are frost this

that's right the times are frost this
week we're not even making the light

week we're not even making the light
bill

bill
joe makes a couple more drinks would you

joe makes a couple more drinks would you
and then you can take off

and then you can take off
marsha and i can lock up

marsha and i can lock up
[Music]

[Music]
thanks pal bye

[Music]

[Music]
go and lock the door behind you see you

go and lock the door behind you see you
tomorrow

tomorrow
alone at last behind a locked door

what's that for you're supposed to be

what's that for you're supposed to be
scared

scared
see that i can't even stage my big

see that i can't even stage my big
seduction scene you sure can

seduction scene you sure can
it's just that that prospect doesn't

it's just that that prospect doesn't
frighten me

frighten me
as a matter of fact i think it's a good

as a matter of fact i think it's a good
idea come on you're putting me on

idea come on you're putting me on
who's putting you on marty what do you

who's putting you on marty what do you
want

want
you want it in riding i think i've been

you want it in riding i think i've been
hanging around this place for all night

hanging around this place for all night
outweighing all the other citizens

outweighing all the other citizens
[Music]

[Music]

there must be some way of saying thanks

there must be some way of saying thanks
to the guy who writes me my very own

to the guy who writes me my very own
[Music]

[Music]
song

[Music]

[Music]
what are you up to now i'm gonna satisfy

what are you up to now i'm gonna satisfy
two action urges

come on over boy let's do a duet on the

come on over boy let's do a duet on the
piano

yes i took one down

yes i took one down
but as my casual affairs with an almost

but as my casual affairs with an almost
endless parade of strangers increased in

endless parade of strangers increased in
number

number
so did my awareness as much as i tried

so did my awareness as much as i tried
to fight it

to fight it
and i wasn't really punishing greg

and i wasn't really punishing greg
or even getting even with him i was

or even getting even with him i was
punishing myself

punishing myself
letting man after man use my body and

letting man after man use my body and
discard it without any of the love

discard it without any of the love
or tenderness that makes a real act was

or tenderness that makes a real act was
so meaningful

so meaningful
that's when i decided that life should

that's when i decided that life should
be more

be more
than an all-night session of drinking

than an all-night session of drinking
and sex

and sex
something else happened about that time

something else happened about that time
that made me wonder where we were all

that made me wonder where we were all
headed

headed
the whole thing was an accident and

the whole thing was an accident and
should have been played for him laughs

should have been played for him laughs
but it wasn't

but it wasn't
i had the feeling that i was the only

i had the feeling that i was the only
one who didn't really know what was

one who didn't really know what was
going on

going on
like everything else it began simple

like everything else it began simple
enough i was baking a cake for little

enough i was baking a cake for little
greg's birthday

greg's birthday
and as usual i ran short of one of the

and as usual i ran short of one of the
key ingredients

oh you scared me what are you doing home

oh you scared me what are you doing home
i've come home for a nooner honey

i've come home for a nooner honey
you're kidding me you're not kidding are

you're kidding me you're not kidding are
you

you
i don't believe it

you are crazy i never heard a thing

you are crazy i never heard a thing
you come home at lunch to rape your own

you come home at lunch to rape your own
wife in the kitchen

wife in the kitchen
and whose wife would you suggest that

right

come on dum-dum at least take me to bed

come on dum-dum at least take me to bed
we are married you know look you missed

we are married you know look you missed
the point honey if i'm gonna make love

the point honey if i'm gonna make love
to you doing working hours

to you doing working hours
it's gonna be your place of business

you're stark raving mad but i love you

[Music]

so

hmm

[Music]

[Music]
i haven't got my trusty little tape

i haven't got my trusty little tape
recorder with me

recorder with me
but my eye is a camera and you two were

but my eye is a camera and you two were
putting on a hell of a show

putting on a hell of a show
that's a dirty trick didn't seem to

that's a dirty trick didn't seem to
bother you on my

bother you on my
wedding night i'm afraid of the great

wedding night i'm afraid of the great
gotcha

gotcha
hey you don't have to have greg handy do

hey you don't have to have greg handy do
you i've got one hell of an offer to

you i've got one hell of an offer to
make you

make you
so you've got to be kidding you don't

so you've got to be kidding you don't
mean you

mean you
that's what's the big deal harry's been

that's what's the big deal harry's been
wanting to get in your bloomers since

wanting to get in your bloomers since
grammar school

grammar school
that's no secret i just thought there

that's no secret i just thought there
might be a little something in it for me

too

too
[Laughter]

[Laughter]
[Music]

phyllis i don't know what's happening to

phyllis i don't know what's happening to
me making love to total strangers

me making love to total strangers
in even hotels of cars

in even hotels of cars
tops of pianos oh well it's not funny

tops of pianos oh well it's not funny
i need help not wisecrack i'm on your

i need help not wisecrack i'm on your
side

side
remember i've been through the mill but

remember i've been through the mill but
that is funny

now listen dead serious the first thing

now listen dead serious the first thing
you've got to do is cut out all this

you've got to do is cut out all this
extracurricular activity

extracurricular activity
if greg finds out and he is looking for

if greg finds out and he is looking for
a way out

a way out
he's got it lock stock bank book house

he's got it lock stock bank book house
and little greg too

and little greg too
right now the way it is things are in

right now the way it is things are in
your favor that's just it i don't want

your favor that's just it i don't want
out

out
you know if a shrink got inside my head

you know if a shrink got inside my head
he'd probably say the reason

he'd probably say the reason
i took up with all the strangers is

i took up with all the strangers is
because i don't want to form a permanent

because i don't want to form a permanent
attachment

attachment
i'm just waiting for greg to come to his

i'm just waiting for greg to come to his
senses and you're sure

senses and you're sure
greg doesn't know you know about natalie

greg doesn't know you know about natalie
no as far as greg's concerned

no as far as greg's concerned
i think he's a totally devoted

i think he's a totally devoted
hard-working husband the truth of the

hard-working husband the truth of the
matter is i'm afraid to

matter is i'm afraid to
if greg knew that i knew he'd feel

if greg knew that i knew he'd feel
obligated to

obligated to
make a choice and i couldn't take it if

make a choice and i couldn't take it if
the choice wasn't me

the choice wasn't me
that's the trouble it's been too easy

that's the trouble it's been too easy
for him

for him
if he had any idea you knew what was up

if he had any idea you knew what was up
he'd have to be a lot more careful

he'd have to be a lot more careful
sneaking up and down back stairways

sneaking up and down back stairways
meeting in shoddy little bars afraid to

meeting in shoddy little bars afraid to
be seen wears on a man

be seen wears on a man
especially a basically straight-up guy

especially a basically straight-up guy
like greg

like greg
suddenly this romantic dashing love

suddenly this romantic dashing love
affair with the beautiful sexy secretary

affair with the beautiful sexy secretary
shows up for what it really is

shows up for what it really is
a tordry dirty ugly affair with an

a tordry dirty ugly affair with an
executive slot

executive slot
yes yes but nothing oh screw your head

yes yes but nothing oh screw your head
back on straight marsha

back on straight marsha
you've got all the trumps he dumps you

you've got all the trumps he dumps you
what has he got an executive secretary

what has he got an executive secretary
that wants to get married and have

that wants to get married and have
babies

babies
he's right back where he started from

he's right back where he started from
we've been best of friends since we were

we've been best of friends since we were
kids and i know greg pretty well too

kids and i know greg pretty well too
he's not about to dump you or that

he's not about to dump you or that
magnificent kitty worships for some

magnificent kitty worships for some
chick he knows is an opportunist [ __ ]

chick he knows is an opportunist [ __ ]
well that's fine for you to say well

well that's fine for you to say well
what about me

what about me
you know wears out pretty fast being a

you know wears out pretty fast being a
part-time wife

part-time wife
right and i have the answer

right and i have the answer
that charming hostess phyllis paxton

that charming hostess phyllis paxton
hasn't had one of her

hasn't had one of her
intimate garden parties in absolutely

intimate garden parties in absolutely
ages

ages
now listen carefully while mother

now listen carefully while mother
phyllis unleashes her magnificent plan

[Music]

[Music]
no kidding phyllis you're missing a good

no kidding phyllis you're missing a good
deal

deal
you know you're out to marry me just for

you know you're out to marry me just for
my cooking

my cooking
if not my outstanding manliness and cool

if not my outstanding manliness and cool
sensuality

sensuality
not a chance loverboy if we were married

not a chance loverboy if we were married
you'd have me

you'd have me
doing the cooking besides i know all you

doing the cooking besides i know all you
amateur amorous chefs you only perform

amateur amorous chefs you only perform
when you're looking

when you're looking
once you get what you want she does all

once you get what you want she does all
the work

the work
besides that what's going to happen to

besides that what's going to happen to
you when you become old and gray

you when you become old and gray
you know you'll only do so much with a

you know you'll only do so much with a
hot water bottle

hot water bottle
when i'm old and gray a hot water bottle

when i'm old and gray a hot water bottle
will probably be more than adequate

will probably be more than adequate
and besides i'll face that problem when

and besides i'll face that problem when
the time comes

the time comes
well you may be sorry offers like i just

well you may be sorry offers like i just
made

made
do not come every day i'll risk it

do not come every day i'll risk it
what are you looking for i'm out of my

what are you looking for i'm out of my
superstars

superstars
it seems that my assistant managed to

it seems that my assistant managed to
spill most of it

spill most of it
i'm sorry i just seem to be our thumbs

i'm sorry i just seem to be our thumbs
today

today
i'll whip up another batch of this i'm

i'll whip up another batch of this i'm
going to increase

going to increase
the dosage of my secret ingredient

the dosage of my secret ingredient
very strong after this year

very strong after this year
huh you may have to change your mind my

huh you may have to change your mind my
proud beauty

proud beauty
just to save your reputation

just to save your reputation
damn it i'm all out of it

damn it i'm all out of it
really got any rosemary in the house

really got any rosemary in the house
not a drop the leaf or grain or whatever

not a drop the leaf or grain or whatever
it comes in

it comes in
that's the base of my whole concoction

that's the base of my whole concoction
well don't panic

well don't panic
i'll get harry or somebody to run down

i'll get harry or somebody to run down
to the deli and get some

to the deli and get some
marsha why don't you grab harry or

marsha why don't you grab harry or
somebody and run down to the deli

somebody and run down to the deli
our master chef is coming unglued he's

our master chef is coming unglued he's
run out of rosemary

run out of rosemary
i'll be glad to uh do you need anything

i'll be glad to uh do you need anything
else going on

else going on
not a thing

not a thing
but what if they have some rosemary at

but what if they have some rosemary at
the store how am i gonna be able to keep

the store how am i gonna be able to keep
harry away

harry away
to make it look possible don't worry

to make it look possible don't worry
about a thing

about a thing
i went on a little shopping spree

i went on a little shopping spree
yesterday and there isn't

yesterday and there isn't
a drop of rosemary left in this town

a drop of rosemary left in this town
you and i are gonna have to come up with

you and i are gonna have to come up with
some recipes we're loaded with the stuff

some recipes we're loaded with the stuff
am i glad you're on my side hey how are

am i glad you're on my side hey how are
you buddy

you buddy
[Music]

[Music]
hey do me a favor and take me down to

hey do me a favor and take me down to
the deli i've got to pick up some secret

the deli i've got to pick up some secret
ingredients for the chef

ingredients for the chef
sure sweetheart you know i do anything

sure sweetheart you know i do anything
to be alone with you besides a lot can

to be alone with you besides a lot can
happen in the back of the belly

happen in the back of the belly
honey we're gonna run down to the deli

and don't come back without the rosemary

and don't come back without the rosemary
[Music]

[Music]
hey greg it's starting to rain

hey greg it's starting to rain
can we move the party over to your place

can we move the party over to your place
my house is a mess the decorator hasn't

my house is a mess the decorator hasn't
finished yet

finished yet
sure honey listen we better write a note

sure honey listen we better write a note
for marsha and harry i'll write the

for marsha and harry i'll write the
notes okay

notes okay
come on everybody we're moving the party

come on everybody we're moving the party
over to greg

over to greg
hey what about my bird bring it along

hey what about my bird bring it along
[Music]

[Music]

[Music]
where the hell did they go for that

where the hell did they go for that
stuff persia

stuff persia
all i wanted was some rosemary

all i wanted was some rosemary
hey greg baby they've been gone over two

hey greg baby they've been gone over two
hours now

hours now
i know harry's had the hearts for

i know harry's had the hearts for
marshall since year one

marshall since year one
but that ain't no excuse for him to take

but that ain't no excuse for him to take
advantage of not let me have the

advantage of not let me have the
greatest meal of the century

greatest meal of the century
why don't you shut up big mouth you and

why don't you shut up big mouth you and
your gourmet meals

your gourmet meals
who in the hell ever heard of putting

who in the hell ever heard of putting
rosemary on a turkey in the first place

rosemary on a turkey in the first place
you're right nobody pal except baby

you're right nobody pal except baby
scoffie

scoffie
the rule britain save on andy farmer

the rule britain save on andy farmer
hunts your mama hey powell what's marcia

hunts your mama hey powell what's marcia
doing with that guy

doing with that guy
they've been gone over two hours my

they've been gone over two hours my
birth's gonna be ruined

birth's gonna be ruined
keep your yak flapping like that and

keep your yak flapping like that and
more than your bird's gonna be ruined

more than your bird's gonna be ruined
harry could have had an accident you

harry could have had an accident you
know did i hold your strength

know did i hold your strength
don't answer or answer

hey we finally got back with the

hey we finally got back with the
rosemary thanks for leaving a note for

rosemary thanks for leaving a note for
us

us
there you go guy boy you don't know what

there you go guy boy you don't know what
trouble we had finding that

trouble we had finding that
i think every store in town was sold out

i think every store in town was sold out
you know we had to drive all the way to

you know we had to drive all the way to
westwood to that little gourmet deli

westwood to that little gourmet deli
hmm how'd i miss that one where in the

hmm how'd i miss that one where in the
hell have you been

hell have you been
i told you we had to drive all the way

i told you we had to drive all the way
to westwood and the traffic was just

to westwood and the traffic was just
terrible

terrible
you had to go all the way out there for

you had to go all the way out there for
a lousy jar of spice well you heard what

a lousy jar of spice well you heard what
the chef said

the chef said
don't come back without rosemary oh come

don't come back without rosemary oh come
on greg just because i've been in love

on greg just because i've been in love
with marcia since junior high school

with marcia since junior high school
that doesn't mean she finally let me get

that doesn't mean she finally let me get
lucky

lucky
very funny big mouth you did it again

very funny big mouth you did it again
wrong words at the right time

wrong words at the right time
greg i'm just trying to calm you down

greg i'm just trying to calm you down
man you're so far off base and it's

man you're so far off base and it's
my face what's so off-base about a guy

my face what's so off-base about a guy
getting mad because his wife takes off

getting mad because his wife takes off
for two hours from a party with the

for two hours from a party with the
village lecture

village lecture
we weren't gone that long doesn't make

we weren't gone that long doesn't make
any difference how long it was you went

any difference how long it was you went
off with another guy didn't you

off with another guy didn't you
well i don't get upset when you take off

well i don't get upset when you take off
with your secretary for days at a time

with your secretary for days at a time
the fat's in the fire i told you guy

the fat's in the fire i told you guy
knock it off

knock it off
honey that's ridiculous i never even

honey that's ridiculous i never even
took my secretary to lunch except in the

took my secretary to lunch except in the
company cafeteria

company cafeteria
for a birthday well i'll concede that

for a birthday well i'll concede that
point on a technicality

point on a technicality
you don't take your secretary away on

you don't take your secretary away on
trips you take harvey dixon's

trips you take harvey dixon's
judging from the times your secretary's

judging from the times your secretary's
gone i'd say

gone i'd say
harvey takes her on his trips like greg

harvey takes her on his trips like greg
baby pretty quick

baby pretty quick
the party ceases to be amusing well i'll

the party ceases to be amusing well i'll
talk to you about that

talk to you about that
later yeah well i still think it was a

later yeah well i still think it was a
damn dirty trick

damn dirty trick
you laying it out in front of everybody

you laying it out in front of everybody
like that by now the whole world knows

like that by now the whole world knows
about it

oh the male ego is something else

oh the male ego is something else
you chased all over the world with that

you chased all over the world with that
[ __ ]

[ __ ]
stuttgart in the slush season my foot

stuttgart in the slush season my foot
you make a mockery of our marriage and

you make a mockery of our marriage and
then make a fool of me with all your

then make a fool of me with all your
friends and associates

friends and associates
who cover up for you

now you got the nerve to be mad at me no

now you got the nerve to be mad at me no
i'm not mad with you

i'm not mad with you
baby i'm well i don't know what i am

baby i'm well i don't know what i am
i'm ashamed and embarrassed

and i'm grateful to you for not throwing

and i'm grateful to you for not throwing
me out on my ear when you found out

me out on my ear when you found out
as i justly deserved and

as i justly deserved and
well i i just don't know what to do

well i i just don't know what to do
well i'll tell you what you're going to

well i'll tell you what you're going to
do you're going to make a choice between

do you're going to make a choice between
natalie and marsha i'm fed up to here

natalie and marsha i'm fed up to here
with being a part-time wife

with being a part-time wife
it's gonna be all or nothing

it's gonna be all or nothing
well there never has been a choice baby

well there never has been a choice baby
that's why i feel so stupid

that's why i feel so stupid
risking losing you and little greg and

risking losing you and little greg and
you know what it was for don't you

you know what it was for don't you
just an ego build up so i could prove to

just an ego build up so i could prove to
myself i could still handle a little

myself i could still handle a little
action

when all the time all the action and all

when all the time all the action and all
the ego building a man needs is right

the ego building a man needs is right
here with you

here with you
oh greg i love you so much

oh greg i love you so much
promise me no more natalies

okay no more natalies hmm

okay no more natalies hmm
and as for you no more disappearing with

and as for you no more disappearing with
the hairs of this world

the hairs of this world
hey now that it is confession hour did

you

you don't know do you