Marry Me (2022) - full transcript

Kat Valdez is half of the sexiest celebrity power couple on Earth with hot new music supernova Bastian. As Kat and Bastian's inescapable hit single, "Marry Me," climbs the charts, they are about to be wed before an audience of their fans in a ceremony that will stream across multiple platforms. Divorced high-school math teacher Charlie Gilbert has been dragged to the concert by his daughter Lou and his best friend Parker Debbs. When Kat learns, seconds before the ceremony, that Bastian has cheated on her with her assistant, her life turns left as she has a meltdown on stage, questioning love, truth, and loyalty. As her gossamer world falls away, she locks eyes with a stranger-a face in the crowd. If what you know lets you down, then perhaps what you don't know is the answer, and so, in a moment of inspired insanity, Kat chooses to marry Charlie. What begins as an impulsive reaction evolves into an unexpected romance. But as forces conspire to separate them, the universal question arises: Can two people from such different worlds bridge the gulf between them and build a place where they both belong?

♪ ♪

(Wagner's "Bridal Chorus"

KAT: All right.
Let's do it again from the top.

We can cue music.

♪ Marry me, marry me, say yes ♪

♪ Marry me, marry me,
say yes ♪

♪ Marry me, marry me ♪

♪ Say yes,
for the rest, the rest ♪

♪ I never seen forever ♪

♪ I never seen forever
in the wild ♪

♪ But now I'm lookin',
now I'm lookin' in its eyes... ♪

HODA KOTB: Tomorrow night,
superstar Kat Valdez

and Grammy-winning
hot, hot, hot Bastian

will make history
when they perform

their new hit song "Marry Me"
and exchange vows

in front of the whole world.

- 20 million people.
- (cheering)

See you tomorrow.

I'll be the one in the veil.

And guess who's gonna
be one of them. Me!

Okay, I hear that she is wearing
a Zuhair Murad custom gown

with 10,000
hand-beaded crystals.

I feel so grateful right now

that everything is
the way it is.

I have a beautiful fiancé

who's so supportive
and loving and...

I feel so grateful
for the American fans because

they are supporting me and Kat
in a very nice way.

"Marry Me" is sweeping
the country.

KAT: Planning the wedding show
has been insane.

Strike that, the world.

Kat Valdez and Bastian
are taking their vows onstage

in New York City tomorrow night,

and then jetting off
to a private island

where they'll make, let's hope,
more beautiful music together.

City National Bank,

bank of the stars,
presents "Marry Me."

The end of a tour
and the beginning of a lifetime.

And with me is Colin Calloway,
her manager. How are you?

I'm very well, Justin.
How are you?

I'm good. Now, I heard
this was all Bastian's idea.

Uh, no, no, no,
they-they both wanted to give

- something back to the fans.
- You know, combined,

they have a social reach
of over 200 million people?

Uh, yeah, of course I know that.
I'm-I'm the manager.

- Uh... uh...
- Who's a bridesmaid?

What about her exes?
Will they be in the audience?

They got some people,
uh, waiting for me,

so I'm just gonna go
and deal with that.

- Just...
- Bye, guys.

I hate dealing with managers.

♪ Marry me ♪

♪ I want you in my life so bad ♪

♪ Ma-ma-ma, ma-ma-ma, ma-ma-ma ♪

♪ Marry me. ♪

Can somebody get this cart?

- Can somebody help me?
- (indistinct chatter)

It's a gift from Pasquale Bruni.

I mean, if you don't like it,
I'll take it.

- Oh, that's beautiful.
- Ah!

(both laughing)

Um, let's pack it
for the honeymoon.

- Okay.
- Okay?

Oh, more flowers.

My God, this is insane.

This is nothing.
There's a moving van on Park

stuffed with wedding gifts,
including a stove.

- Someone got me a stove?
- It's from a fan.

(scoffs) Who thinks
I don't have a stove?

Yeah, Tyra?

Donate all of it.

- ("Marry Me" ringtone plays)
- Oh, it's Tom from iHeartRadio.

Tom, the man himself.
Talk to me.

Of course I've got
some tickets for you,

even if we are
completely sold out.

I don't think there's
a single person in this city

who's not clamoring
to come to this wedding.

Think this is
one of my better lunches,

but you be the judge.

Dad, don't mess up my hair.

I thought that gave you
good luck.

That was, like, a long time ago.

I think it was
about a month ago.

How great is this?

Going to the same school

- Mm-hmm, great.
- Oh, and, Lou, you probably

won't see that much of me.

I know that could be
a problem for you,

but if you need
to see me anytime...

I won't.

I like the independence. Good.

Oh, and you know the student
that you're shadowing, Esther?

Full disclosure,
Esther is in my math club,

but I don't want you to feel
any pressure to join.

I'm not joining.

Tough audience.


(kids chattering)

Um, Dad?

- Can I go in alone?
- Of course.

I was just gonna ask you
the same thing.

If I could walk in alone,
you know, for my street cred.

I love you!

You may be good at football,
you may be good at track,

but when it comes
to math clubs...

You better watch your back!

Coolidge Pi-thons attack!

- (hissing)
- Yes!

What's our number?


- (school bell rings)
- 65839...

Percy, we got it. Good.

Okay, remember,
if you sit in the question,

the answer will find you.

Terrific job today.
I love the energy.

I'm telling you,
if we bring that

to the Mathalon finals,
we win the...

- Oh, Esther, you got a second?
- Yeah.

How's Lou doing? She good?

I think so.

You know, she's great at math,
so at some point,

I wouldn't be surprised
if she starts asking

about maybe joining
the Pi-thons.

'Cause, you know,
at her last school,

she made it
to the Mathalon finals.

She never mentioned that.

Ah, you know, that's the thing.
She's really shy.

Oh, not at all. She was
telling me about her vacation

and about this guy named David.

David? My ex's new husband?

- What did she say about him?
- Oh...

It doesn't matter. Never mind.

Actually, go ahead. Tell me.

Oh, just that he's awesome

and no matter what they do,
it's always cool

- and exciting and, you know...
- Fun.

- Yeah. (chuckles)
- Gotcha.

- All right.
- Okay. Thanks, Esther.

I guess they're going
cave diving.

- Hmm. Cave diving.
- Yeah.

- (door opens, closes)
- Where?

PARKER: In a stairwell,
spying on your daughter.

- Really?
- CHARLIE: We're not spying.

We're-we're just watching
from a distance.

We're not spying.

Look, she had a hard time
at her last school.

I just want to make sure
she's okay.

So, what, you thought you'd
hook her up with the cool kids?

CHARLIE: Parker, you're
supposed to set a good example

as the guidance counselor.

I am setting the best example
with my look and my vibe alone.

Jesus, kids still do the robot?

(ringtone playing):
♪ Marry me, marry me, say... ♪

- Is that a "Marry Me" ringtone?
- Guilty.

What's "Marry Me"?

It's Kat and Bastian's new song.

- It's everyone's new song.
- It's my new song.

- It's not mine.
- People are gonna propose to it.

They're gonna post videos
of themselves

dancing to it down the aisle.

- Are you ready to be jealous?
- Yes.

I'm taking my new girlfriend
Roxy and her ex-girlfriend

- to their concert/wedding.
- Shut up.

Where she's gonna look
at me and say...

Hi, baby.

BASTIAN (over phone):
Hi, love.

- Did you see my post?
- No. You post something?


So, do you like it?

I love it.

I love you.

I love you more, baby.

(inhales deeply)

- When'll you be home?
- About an hour.

You know there's about
a thousand people

- in this apartment right now?
- (laughing): What?

I know.

20 million?

(chuckles) Yeah, of course.

Oh, my God. This has gotten
so out of control.

(man speaks Spanish over phone)

Yo, I'm on with Kat. Wait.

Yeah, I just...

now I just wish it was me
and you on a beach somewhere.

No, my love.

You deserve the biggest wedding
in the world.

And tomorrow's gonna be
the best night of our lives.

- Can't wait. (chuckles)
- I can't wait either, baby.

Where's Kat?

An interview in ten minutes.

(horns honking)

Look what I just found.

Scoot over. (grunts)

I was just looking
through some old pictures.

- Uh-huh?
- And look at this one I saw

of you, me and Mom
in Jamaica, parasailing.

We went parasailing?

Do you not remember?

I mean, to be honest,

I don't remember you
together at all.

(grunts softly)

Well, we were, and we had fun.

I get it, Dad.
You were a fun guy.

I was, and I am a fun guy.

(takes deep breath)

But, you know,

it's not just about fun.

It's-it's harder than that.

It's work. It's...

Well, think about Tank.

- When Tank was a puppy.
- (chuckles)

- You remember that?
- Yeah.

You remember how fun he was

and playing tug-of-war
with the Frisbee

and him jumping around?

And now he's old,
and his eyes don't work,

and you don't know
how many good years he has left,

- but you still...
- Dad, is Tank dying?

No. No.

I'm sorry, I-I... Tank's good.

I got a little off track.

I was just...
What I meant is that

love is about sacrifice
and the day-to-day.

Um, Dad, uh,
can I go to sleep now?

Yeah, of course. Yeah.

- Okay. Good night.
- Okay.


she was here, Kat Valdez,

who let's just say
is no stranger to weddings...

(audience laughing)

said she wanted to do
something smaller,

understated, intimate,

with just, say,
5,000 of their closest fans.

- (laughter)
- I mean friends.

Just a simple wedding
for a simple gal.

- Just like Mom's wedding was.
- (laughter)

Hey, good morning, New York.

It's 102.7.
This is Seacrest with you.

Kat and Bastian fans,

it's Enrique Santos with you.

Tonight, Kat Valdez and Bastian

will give it all they got
and tie the knot.

Today is the big day.

That shit is crazy, man.

"Then on the shore

"Of the wide world
I stand alone, and think

Till love and fame
to nothingness do sink."

It's Keats.
You think he'll like it?

If somebody explains it
to him, yeah.

It's beautiful.

Oh, today is your wedding day!

- (squeals)
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Get it, get it, get it.

Tomorrow would've been
our anniversary.

You guys went out
for what, two weeks?

17 days,
if you include the breakup.

And she dumped me with a text.

So rude.

Come to the Kat Valdez concert
with me tonight.

Parker, I'm not
a big concert person.

Listen, this is
a once-in-a-lifetime invitation,

and you don't even get it.

This is Halley's Comet.

It's you wearing an outfit
that flatters your body.

It's very rare.

Okay, I've got Lou tonight.

Good. I've got three tickets.

Bring her.

Maybe she'll think you're fun.

(organ plays intro to "Church"
by Kat Valdez)

(audience cheering)

KAT: ♪ Church, church,
church, church ♪

♪ Church, church, church ♪

♪ Like church,
church, church, church ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ I'm down on my knees ♪

♪ I've fallen for you ♪

♪ You've opened my gates
and showed me the truth ♪


♪ I'm born again,
I'm feeling renewed ♪

♪ You showed me the way ♪

♪ I'm baptized in you ♪

♪ I feel it in my chest ♪

♪ I got you in my head,
I'm putting on my best ♪

♪ Like I'm in church,
church, church ♪

♪ Screaming out your name ♪

♪ Got me feeling safe ♪

♪ It's a new day,
like I'm in church ♪

♪ Church, church, church ♪

♪ You make me sing out,
"Hallelujah" ♪

♪ This kind of love
will do it to ya ♪

♪ Like church, church,
church, church ♪

♪ Church, church, church ♪

♪ Like church, church ♪

♪ Church, church ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Ready to say "I do" ♪

- ♪ Ooh, ooh ♪
- ♪ Making this woman true ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Yes, honest to God,
it's true ♪

♪ Church, church,
church, church ♪

♪ Ready to say "I do" ♪

- ♪ Ooh, ooh ♪
- ♪ Making this woman true ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Yes, honest to God,
it's true ♪

♪ Church, church,
church, church ♪

♪ You make me sing out,
"Hallelujah," testify ♪

♪ This kind of love
will do it to ya ♪

♪ Like church, church,
church, church ♪

♪ Church, church, church ♪

♪ Like church, church,
church, church ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah, hey, hey, baby ♪

♪ I'm in church ♪

♪ Church, church,
church, church ♪

♪ Ooh, I'm in church with you ♪

- ♪ I'm in church with you ♪
- (cheering)

- ♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
- (whooping)

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Lord almighty. ♪

- (song ends)
- (cheering)

- WOMAN: We love you, Kat!
- (cheering continues)

Thank you so much for being here

on such a monumentally
special occasion.

How's everybody feeling tonight?


(speaks Spanish)

Are there any Latinos
in the house?


Well, I am looking
for one in particular.

- (laughing)
- (cheering, screaming)


Ooh, hold this.

Hey, Roxy, check out
my new best friends.

Oh, yeah, and suck it!

(mellow Latin music begins)

That beautiful woman
is gonna be my wife.

I should've worn my onesie.

(laughs) Charlie.

(singing in Spanish)


Something's wrong.


Page Six.

(typing rapidly)

Are you guys ready
for the wedding?


(singing in Spanish)

(gasping, hushed chatter)

(continues singing in Spanish)

- Where's Tyra?
- In Bastian's dressing room.

- Ah, perfect.
- Dancers, to the stage in five!

(continues singing in Spanish)

(women cheering, screaming)

(continues singing in Spanish)

Mel! Where's Mel?

- (song ends)
- (applause)

What's everybody looking at?

Oh. I know the groom is not

supposed to see the bride
before the wedding.

Can I just say, "Wow."


Ladies and gentlemen...


the moment you've all
been waiting for.

(majestic orchestral music

(Wagner's "Bridal Chorus"

- What's the matter?
- Mm, everything's fine.

- Something's weird.
- Nothing to worry about.

What's everybody looking at?

- Forget about them.
- Give me your phone.


It might not be real.

AUDIENCE (chanting):
"Marry Me!" "Marry Me!"

A Page Sixexclusive:

An anonymous poster
sent us this hot video

that's gonna blow your mind.

Kat Valdez's
husband-to-be Bastian

was caught cheating on her
with her assistant.

- (announcer speaking Spanish)
- (chanting continues)

(mechanical whirring)

Can I get a witness?

AUDIENCE: "Marry Me!"
"Marry Me!" "Marry Me!"

"Marry Me!"


(upbeat pop intro playing)


(indistinct chatter)

Uh, can you stop the music?

(music stops)

Oh, shit.

And, um, can you turn up
the house lights?

(audience quiets)


- (grunts)
- (audience gasping)

- WOMAN: We love you, Kat!
- MAN: We love you, Kat!

- MAN: Kat, we love you!
- WOMAN: Kat!

- (whispers): I'm okay.
- WOMAN: Kat, you're a goddess!

I'm told that, uh...


20 million people are

supposed to watch me sing
"Marry Me"

to the love of my life...

(applause, cheering)

and then watch
as we take our vows.


I didn't know
she was gonna do this.


So it's only natural

that I would want to see
who I'm talking to.

- (cheering)
- WOMAN: We love you!

Kat, we love you!

Probably didn't know
about this either, did you?

Only natural
that I say something,

if not about marriage,

then about... love.


Because that's what
we're all looking for, right?

- (cheering)
- (murmurs of agreement)

- Love?
- WOMAN: Yes!

A Page Sixexclusive...

We get so caught up in what
we want our life to be that...

we forget what our love
actually is.

- A lie.
- (audience gasping, murmuring)

It's okay! We love you!

A fairy tale that
you sold yourself so long ago

that you forgot
that wasn't real.

But deep down, you knew.

We love you, Kat.

- (cheering)
- We love you, Kat!

- (whooping)
- MAN: We love you!

She's making a fool of herself.

- (Kat sobs)
- No.

Somehow you knew.

You did that.

You realize that
it wasn't love at all.

You were just in love

with the idea of who
you wanted that person to be.

But you can't marry an idea.

(audience murmuring)

You know, they say,
if you want something different,

you have to do
something different.

So this time,
for the first time,

you make a different choice.

You jump off a cliff so high
you can't even see the fall.

And you just...

say yes.

Why not?


I'll marry you.


(audience gasping)

Dad. Dad, that's you.

I thought it would be Bastian,

but it's just some guy
wearing a windbreaker.

Maybe he's a celebrity
wearing a mask.

- Is this for real?
- Yeah, it's for real!

Jesus H. She's talking to you.

Charlie, go! Go!

- Go. Go!
- Go! Go! Go!

AUDIENCE (chanting):
Go! Go! Go!

(chant continues)

- (chant dies down)
- (cheering)

♪ ♪


(organ playing
Wagner's "Bridal Chorus")

Oh, my God.

Do you, Katrina Valdez,

take this guy to be
your lawfully wedded husband?

And I mean really take him.
Think hard, girl.

(audience murmuring)

- I do.
- WOMAN: Wait, what?

- (audience gasping)
- And do you, some guy,

take Kat to be
your lawfully wedded wife?

No! Bastian!

- MAN: Do it!
- OTHERS: Yeah!

(scattered shouts)

It's on you, bro.

Say yes!


- We'll take "okay."
- (scattered shouts)

By the power vested in me
by the state of New York,

I now declare you...
(whispers in Spanish)

husband and wife.

(scattered cheers)

(cheering swells)

♪ ♪

(cheering fades)



Get the hell away from me.

- Can I just explain...
- I'm serious!

- Get her out of here!
- MAN: Clear this area.

- Everybody out, please.
- MAN 2: What's going on?

What happened?


Screw you, Bastian!

We got in that fight in Miami,

then you told me to get out.

Oh, so this is all my fault?

It's nothing. It was nothing.

- Get me out of here.
- (speaks Spanish)

-Whoa, whoa, whoa, just...
Whoa, just... -Wait.

Who the hell do you think
you are, man? Some fan?

No, I'm not a fan. Just...

Well, I mean, I am now.

Okay. We're done.
You lot, get your phones down.

- Show's over. Go, go, go.
- (clamoring)

Carl, take these two
round the back.

I'll have you send decoys
round the front.

- Listen.
- Just get him out of here!


Hey, move. Move.

Hold him there. Hold him there.

- Terry, I'm-I'm good.
- Whoa, whoa.

(clamoring continues)

(cameras clicking rapidly)

(Kat panting softly)

♪ ♪

That was crazy.

I'm sorry.
I don't know exactly what to say

or what just happened,
but I know on some level

you must have really cared
about that guy.

I was marrying him.

Good point.

He's going to age badly.

No, he's not.

Yeah, you're right.

He's probably just gonna
get better looking.


I'm really sorry about all this.

Me, too.

You gonna be okay?

Jeff will take you home.

Okay. Good night.

(cell phone buzzing)

PARKER (over phone):
Charlie, finally.

Hey. How's Lou?

She's fine. She's at her mom's.
Where are you?

I'm in a garage.
I'm on my way home.

Hold on. You're saying
you haven't seen it?

(chuckling): Oh, my God.
You are everywhere.

Online, on television, on...

What do you mean "television"?

FALLON (on TV): Did you hear
Kat Valdez got married

to a different stranger
at the concert tonight?

- Do you believe that?
- (audience laughing on TV)

On the way home
from the concert tonight,

Kat Valdez also left
the guy from the concert,

then married her Uber driver,
and then...

(audience laughing)

Now he's-he's driving them
to the honeymoon

in Turks and Caicos, where
she will marry the bellboy.

It's very... It's all...
It's all happening...

Kat Valdez y Bastian...

(reporter continues in Spanish)


There you are.

You need anything?


tell me it didn't happen.

Why do I always pick
the wrong guy?

I let everyone down.

- No, no. No, you didn't.
- (Kat sniffling, sobbing)

I can't get out of my own way.

Oh, come here. Come here.

It's all right.

- We'll figure it out.
- (sobbing)

I promise.

I promise.

We'll figure it out.

Well, the good news is
there was a wedding last night.

The bad news is
it was not a joke.

I have two things to say.

First, Kat, we love you...

It's Bastian.

He says he just needs
five minutes.

Hang up and turn that off.

I got to go.

God, he's unbelievable.

What now?

Well, he's going to Puerto Rico.

He says he needs to get
his head together.

(scoffs) Whatever.

(sighs) Kat, he was crying.

Not helping.

(Colin grunts softly)

You all right?


Okay, well, I did
a bit of digging last night,

and it turns out, out of 10,000
potential dumpster fires,

you picked a decent,
straight, single father

with no criminal record,
and get this,

he's a maths teacher.

- And that's good?
- It's great.

He's not gonna be a problem.

I say we offer $5,000,

get him to sign an NDA
and let it all blow over.



Or I could stay married to him.


You're kidding.

You're kidding.

You're not kidding.

Y-You can't. We can't.

It-it's not legal.

We didn't file papers.

So file the papers.


I mean, play the record
through here.

I started something last night,

and if I don't finish it,
I look crazy.

"Er." You'll look crazier.

(Kat exhales)


Yeah, we got to get out
in front of this.

Now, he thinks he can
publicly humiliate me?

Screw him.

This is a manic response
to an insane situation.

No, we have to change
the narrative.

All right?
I'm not marrying him forever.

It's just for a month,
a... a few months.

Now, presuming
the man you married

doesn't have
a girlfriend or a life,

and presuming
I can get him to agree,

I'm not sure exactly
what we're telling the world.

You don't want to be a joke.

I don't want to be
the punch line.

We have to embrace
the spontaneity of the moment

and just say...

"Nothing else has worked.

Maybe this will."

You know what they say to do

when your car's skidding
out of control, Colin?

Close your eyes and pray?

Hit the gas and turn into it.

Wait, what are you saying?

Rethink the paradigm.

We're not selling the world
a fairy tale.

We're taking the fairy tale
off the table.

That's what you did last night.

- That's what I did?
- Yeah.

Look, I was just trying
to help someone who seemed like

they were in the middle
of a nervous breakdown.

We're calling it
a break from tradition.

A moment of clarity where
she picked you out of a crowd

and you, my friend, picked her.

I don't even know her.

Kat Valdez is a legend.


She was raised
by a single father

who died before she had
any kind of success.

Now she's a woman north of 35

in a business that marginalizes
women at any age.

People love their artists
to bare their souls,

then vilify them
if they go too far.

Well, I'm not gonna let them
do that to her.

- And I'm asking you to help me.
- How?

Stand beside her
for three months.

And what does she think
about this?

It was her idea.

- She had the idea for...
- Yeah.

What if we offered you $10,000?

No, no, no. Wrong approach.

Offer him, like, a fundraiser.

He'll go for that.

Oh. Hi.

Uh, I'm sorry. Are you two...

Ew, gross. No.

Parker Debs, guidance counselor.
Same school.

How about, uh, we host
a fundraiser for your math club?

Don't answer that. Okay.

What about if it's, like,

instead of three months,
it's six months,

and it could be, like,
a whole math wing?

-(chuckles) -I'm thinking
about the children.

Yeah, this is ridiculous.

I don't think
anyone's gonna believe

that she's gonna go
from Bastian to me.

- That's a good point.
- Well, the fact is

that she did go
from Bastian to you.


COLIN: We're not pretending
you're in love.

We're just gonna say
that you're getting

to know each other,
and if it goes further,

then great, and if it doesn't...

It won't. Come...

- Not with that attitude.
- Well, then it doesn't have to.

This is about this moment.

Managing the media frenzy
until things die down.

I have a daughter.

I don't want to drag her
into the middle of a circus.

I can assure you,
we won't impinge

on your life whatsoever.

-(clamoring) -How does it feel
to not be a nobody?

How do you feel about her
being so much hotter

- than you, Charlie?
- Hey, Charlie! Right here!

Hey, Charlie, are you gonna
go through with this?

Where's the honeymoon?

Did you get a good look at him?

Yeah. He's cute.


- He's fine.
- COLIN: Hey.

Charlie, come in.

Oh, she's right there. Jesus.

Come over, guys.

Charlie, Kat. Kat, Charlie.

- Hi. Oh.
- How are you? Oh.

(Charlie chuckles)

- Okay. (laughs)
- I'm Parker.

I'm... I am the one who brought
Charlie to the concert,

- so I'm-I'm...

I guess I'm responsible

- for this whole thing.
- (laughter)

Hi, Parker.

Hey, Kat.


Would you do me a favor,

uh, just two seconds,
and just say,

- "Roxy, you really blew it"?
- CHARLIE: Oh. Oh.

Today Showis a go
at 10:00 on Tuesday.

- (whispers): Sorry.
- MELISSA: They want, uh, um...

Um, Charlie.

Charlie in studio
and Kat remote from London.

- Kat.
- Excuse me one second.

- I just have to take a call.
- Okay.

- Bye, Kat.
- WOMAN: Everything's set up...

- She's like a real person.
- All right, so what's going on?

Uh, we're booking interviews
all week.

I thought that's what today was.

No, no. Today's more of
a press conference.

But throughout
the next few weeks,

we're gonna have
some sit-downs and B roll

and news outlets following us,
charting the progress

as you two
get to know each other.

It's all in your email.

I don't check my emails a lot.

How do you schedule your life
if you don't check your email?

Easy. I can't do anything

between 8:00 and 3:00
Monday through Friday,

and I have math club
after school,

and three days a week,
I have my kid.

-Beyond that, I'm pretty much
available. -(groans)

- So, sorry...
- Melissa.

Melissa, you're gonna
have to move The Today Show.

What? Excuse me?

We don't move The Today Show.

We move for The Today Show.

He's gonna have to
shift his schedule.

Okay, I'll-I'll handle it.

Okay, I can handle my own life.

I can help him handle it.

Uh, Melissa, shouldn't you
be posting Vitamix?

That's Tyra's job.

Oh. Right.

Morning, everybody.
I don't know about you guys,

but when I get up in the
morning, I like to meditate.

I also love to have fresh juice.

So I like to juice daily
with my Vitamix.

I take my fresh greens,
mix and go.

Okay, look, I hate
to interrupt an artist

while she's juicing,
but we're gonna have to draw

a hard line
when it comes to the students

- and the schedule, okay?
- Yeah. Yeah.

You're a little shiny.

Awesome. Let's take a selfie.

(camera clicks)

I don't feel comfortable.

-I really don't feel like
this is my world. -It's natural.

It just feels like
everyone walking around

is, like, a sycophant.

Everything in her life
is sponsored.

-I know, but don't ruin this
for me. -No, but listen to me.

- I...
- COLIN: Hey.

- How we doing?
- I'm sorry.

I don't... I don't think
it's gonna work out.

It's just perspective.

No, it's not just perspective.

You see her as some pop star
with endorsement deals,

a narcissist who takes
meaningless selfies,

but that's not the full...

Well, I mean, is a selfie
ever meaningful? I mean...

Look up.

Look, I-I don't mean
to be negative,

but I'm not
a big social media person.

I feel it's kind of
a distorted reality.

I'm so glad I came
to your TED Talk.

No, come on. I see it
all the time in my students.

- It's... (sighs)
- MELISSA: Kat's ready to walk.

Okay, she's ready.

COLIN: Social media
can also reach people.

- No, I know. Yeah.
- It can be a tool.

You know what a tool is,
though, right, Charlie?

- Okay. Thank you, Melissa.
- PARKER: Burn.

I know this is a lot.

Just go out there
and be yourself.

Myself probably wouldn't
be here, but...

Listen, if you don't
want to do this...

Uh, what, then I leave?

I thought you said
he was into this.

- COLIN: He is.
- He can hear you.

Ladies and gentlemen,

Kat Valdez and her new husband,

Charlie Gilbert.

- (applause)
- (cameras clicking)

So, you think it's romantic

marrying a complete stranger?

Uh, impulsive, without a plan.

But, hey, look where
my plans got me.


So, you just

threw caution to the wind
and thought...

I didn't think, actually.

It was a moment.

You're banking a lifetime
on a moment?

No, I'm banking
a moment on a moment.

Get enough of those,
and that's a lifetime.

You know nothing
about each other.

Did you think twice?


Mm, people meet randomly
all the time.

At a... at a bar or...


Yeah, online, at 7-Eleven.

- (laughing)
- CHARLIE: Uh...

I mean, why is this any crazier?

To state the obvious,
you got married.

Yeah, and...

Now we get to know each other.

- But not as man and wife?
- KAT: Uh, no.

That would be nuts. (chuckles)

Just for her.

For me, it would be
pretty amazing.


Last night,
I held up a friend's sign

asking a woman to marry me,

and she said yes,
and I did, and...

you know, I did it not,

you know,
because she was beautiful...

- Well, maybe a little...
- (laughter)

um, but it just seemed like,

in the moment,
the right thing to do.

So, what, you just saw
each other and said yes?


(both laugh)

And that doesn't seem frivolous?

marriage was transactional.

It was about
expanding your empire,

and a woman's value
was based on what she brought.

Like, "You give me a heifer,
and I'll give you my daughter."

(reporters scoffing, murmuring)

It's terrible. I know.

That's... Uh, you know,
I didn't come up with it.

But it really was
a business deal,

and it wasn't designed
to be about love,

and maybe that's where people
kind of get tripped up now.

REPORTER: This is your second
marriage, right, Charlie?

You wouldn't want to fail again.

(chuckles softly)

Well, you haven't lived
unless you've failed, Bill.

You should know that
from your time at CNBC.


Listen, what we did was crazy...

We know that... but, you know,

it was just truly
a leap of faith.

The rules as they exist
pretty much suck for women.

I mean, why do we have to wait
for men to propose?

Why is everything on his terms?

No, I think it is time
to shake things up.

How about this? We pick the guy,

we keep our name and let him
earn the right to stay.

(cheering and applause)

- COLIN: That was terrific.
- (Kat chuckling)

No, no, seriously.
Oh, and listen.

Don't worry about Tuesday.

We'll adjust our schedule
around yours.

- It'll be fine.
- Thanks. I appreciate it.

- No, of course.
- KAT: We'll try not to

turn your life
upside down too much.

I think it might be
a little too late for that.

I mean, do you ever
get used to this?

Just the attention and the chaos
and the people everywhere?

I don't know.
Some days, you barely notice.

Other days, you feel like...
a panda in a zoo.

You should know that up front.

Got it.

Where you off to now?

Oh, London, for a meeting.

And I'm off to Flatbush
for a dog,

which pretty much sums it up.

I'll see you
at the next photo op?

- Okay.
- (engine starts)

Don't forget to check
your schedule.

I got it.

He can't even text with that.

OMG. Yes, he can.

But very slowly.

Ay, ay, ay.

You did not look nervous,

and you know what,
you kind of have

offbeat good looks
for someone...

- Offbeat?
- PHOTOGRAPHER: Charlie Valdez!

-Charlie, over here! -CHARLIE:
What are they doing here?

Relax. We're famous now.

Is this a throuple?

Where's your wife?!
Why don't you live with her?!

Why are you yelling at me?

- I'm standing right here.
- Come on, Charlie.

- I'm gonna go inside.
- What are you doing?

- PARKER: Just, um...
- Are you now Mr. Valdez?

Are you in the doghouse? Huh?

Gonna be a short walk.

Go inside. I'll deal with this.

You been kicked out already?

The dog can't shit
if people are watching.

Luckily, I can only shit
if people are watching,

so if you're feeling lucky...

I'm busy, too, by the way.

(cheering, excited chatter)

♪ ♪

BASTIAN (on video):
What's your name, baby?

- WOMAN (on video): Janice.
- BASTIAN: Janice.

You look so sexy tonight.

I don't know about you guys,

but when I get up in
the morning, I like to meditate.

I also love to have fresh juice.

So I like to juice daily
with my Vitamix.

Could we get a Vitamix?

I'd like to juice daily.

Come on. Put that down.

No electronics at dinner.

What do you call that?

I call that
a nature documentary,

so we can travel while we eat.

Put it down.

So, is Kat, like, my stepmom?

No, Lou. Come on.

Dad, I think this experience
is actually really good for you.

Says my 12-year-old?

It's true.
I mean, you never just, like,

do things without planning them.

I think it's cool.

I really want to meet her.

I mean, Parker says she's nice

and smart and next-level hot.

She is nice.
She is... She's an attract...

Here, let me get this.

Dad, she just hit 80 million
followers on Instagram.

Okay. I'm not impressed.

Talk to me when she gets
to 90 million, okay?

Lou, it's not real.

It's all a facade.

You know, they had me
wearing makeup.

You wear makeup now?

Wore once. Never again.

Well, you never say never,
but I don't plan on it

in the next couple months
that we're doing this.

And you're saying the whole time
I can't meet her?

I don't think
Mom would want that.

Actually, Mom wants
to meet her, too.

Oh, perfect. Lou, you know
that we're not really together.

Her manager stages things. Look.

- You have an iPhone?
- Yeah.

I mean, it's-it's just
for scheduling.

They're making me use it.

- Huh.
- Yeah, bowling,

and then we're gonna do
a photo shoot, so...

Uh-huh. But do you guys,
like, talk ever?

It's just publicity.
It's not real.


Yeah! Come on!

Okay, your turn.

Don't be nervous.
It's just, uh...

It's not a competition.
Just having fun.

Uh, okay, no. I'm guessing

from the way you're holding
that that you haven't done

- too much bowling.
- Uh, what do I do?

Well, you... you're gonna want
to put your fingers

- in the holes there.
- Yeah. Mm-hmm.

This one, yeah.
Get your thumb in that one.

- There? That one? Okay.
- Yep. And then take

three steps kind of...
You want to land on your left,

and don't be afraid
to use those little...

A strike is better
than a spare, right?

-That is not your first time
bowling. -(laughing)

Yes! Did you get that?

- Come on! The old rope-a-dope.
- Yes!

Oh, my God.

I wish I put money on this,
because people are loving it.

- What people?
- Oh, well, this is

an Instagram live feed,
and 237,000 people

are like, "Why is he
such a boring nerd?"

- Mel.
- What? Their words, not mine.

Get off the live, Mel.

All right.

So, we just need
a little bit more

B roll for The Today Show.

Well, I've-I've got to
get home to Tank.

- Is Tank his daughter?
- Stop.

- COLIN: Okay.
- You have to go?

Yeah, if you guys
are done with me.

Mm-hmm. We're going to a party.

You go.

Where's home?

Wow. Cool.


Yeah, it's a, um...

Kat, meet dog. (chuckling)

Wow, I never heard
that one before.

Sorry. That was pretty... ruff.

You are so lucky

that Mel didn't
hear you say that.

No, I'm lucky Mel isn't here.

I feel like you're never alone.

What? I'm alone now.

Well, I mean, yeah,
other than Kofi.

Just ignore him.

Is everything you do filmed?

- KAT: Banked.
- Banked?

For my channel.

Just little mini episodes
of life.

Uh, can-can we skip an episode?

Want me to go?

Yeah, you can go.

- I'll see you tomorrow.
- Good night.

- I'll see you. Yeah.
- Happy?


(door closes)

Is this your daughter?

- CHARLIE: Yeah.
- She's cute.

Thanks. Yeah, she's great.

Although she is in that
awkward in-between phase

where she's still my baby girl

but she definitely wants
nothing to do with me.

And you can forget
about getting hugs,

'cause it's not
happening anymore,

which kind of breaks my heart,
but that's the way it goes.

What happened with her mom?

I mean, I'm sorry, you don't...

You know,
it's none of my business.

You don't have to tell me.

No, no, it's okay. Um...

We were married, and
we actually had a good marriage.

You know, then,

I don't know, all of a sudden,
I got the feeling

she didn't want it
or she didn't want me anymore,

and I had nothing to do
but let her go.

And, you know,
statistically, we're screwed,

'cause 48% of marriages
end in divorce, so...

That means 52% work.

- Ah, an optimist.
- (laughs)

- This is so cool. Can I?
- Yeah.

And then I think when you get
up to, like, second and third,

then it jumps up to, like,
67% failure rate.

Even if it's one in a billion,
what does it matter?

It's worth a shot.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

I believe in marriage.

Jesus, still?

Haven't you been married
like six times?

Three times.

Not including this.
This is four.

But the first time
was only 48 hours, so...

doesn't count.

But still, do you ever
feel like just kind of,

"I'm waving the white flag
on marriage. That's it."

No, it's like math.

When you get a problem wrong,
you just don't give up on it.

You keep trying
till you get it right.

And what about you and Bastian?

How long were you guys together?

Mm, year and a half.

I'd just split
from my second husband.

He was a music producer
who did, uh,

my last two albums
and then sold a sex tape.

- (inhales sharply)
- That's not the worst part.

The worst part is
I thought I could fix things.

- (chuckles)
- Pretty hard to fix a sex tape.

- Right.
- (Tank grumbles)

Sorry. Yeah, it's just
a little power nap.

Pacing himself.

- Mm.
- (Charlie chuckles)

If we give him a minute,
he'll-he'll restart.

- Okay.
- But you were saying?

Well, this business,
those type of guys,

they build you up
to break you down.

But you were
already famous, so...

It's not about fame.

You know,
it's about credibility.

It just didn't matter
how successful I was.

They never gave it to me.

You know I've never been
nominated for anything?

And then I met Bastian.

And he... and he gave me this.

"Sing." What does that mean?

It means "don't let them win."

Nobody's all bad, Charlie.

If they were, it would
make it so much easier.

But cheating on you with
your assistant is pretty bad.


Zoo mates.

Zoo mates.

See, we're not
so different, Charlie.

♪ You know I tried so long ♪

Come on. Come on!
It's not a big...

♪ Every time I thought
I found it, I was wrong ♪

♪ I swear I must've spent
a thousand nights ♪

♪ Lookin' for somebody
who could hold me tight ♪

♪ Until I realized ♪

♪ I am the love of,
the love of my life... ♪

COLIN: The Marciano brothers
and Kat Valdez

are telling the world
there's no age limit.

- Is that right?
- Guess so.


♪ I am the love of,
the love of my life ♪

♪ I am the love of,
the love of my life ♪

♪ I was just
waiting for you... ♪

Think we've got
everything we need.

We'll post to our socials,
so... you're all set.

All right.

Maybe... Is it okay if I stay?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, of course.

Make yourself at home.

♪ I can't tell you now ♪

♪ I don't know why,
don't know why ♪

♪ And now I'll pick myself up ♪

♪ One more time, one more time ♪

♪ You know I tried so long ♪

♪ Every time I thought
I found it, I was wrong... ♪

- Bye.
- Bye.

- Hey.
- Hey, Mom.

How you doing?

♪ Hold me tight ♪

♪ Until I realized ♪

♪ I am the love of,
the love of my life... ♪

There's a picture of you
buying her a pregnancy test.

- Charlie!
- No.

No, that was
a stool softener for Tank.

♪ I ain't got nobody else
on my mind... ♪

REPORTER: Kat Valdez and her
new husband, Charlie Gilbert.

- Wh-What do I do?
- Just stand and smile.

- Charlie! Charlie!
- (clamoring)

- Oh, my God, it's Bastian!
- Bastian! -Bastian!

Bastian, Bastian, Bastian!
Over here! Over here!

(clamoring continues)

Guys, this way. How about
the three of you together?

No hard feelings, man. Yeah?

No feelings at all. (chuckles)

Mm, mamacita.

one with the three of you.

What did he say to you?

Kat, Bastian, Charlie, this way!

- What did he say, Charlie?
- Look, Bastian! Bastian!

- Thank you, guys.
- (clamoring continues)

My Spanish is a little rusty,
but he said,

"You're the most beautiful woman
I've ever seen.

"I'm such an idiot.

And why did I get
that neck tattoo?"

You okay?

I'm good.

(jet engine whooshing)

Now, where are you?

Paris, for a show.


- Paris!
- CHARLIE: Is it weird having

everyone in the world
know who you are?

No, what's weird is that

everyone in the world thinks
they know who I am.

Yeah, I bet.

And you're headed home
after that?

Well, um, I'm home tomorrow,

but then I have
that private in Japan.

Wh-What's a private?

KAT: I get paid a fortune
to sing songs

to like ten
insanely rich people.

Do you think maybe they'd want

to watch someone do
some math problems?

- (class cheering)
- (Kat chuckling)

- KAT: I'll ask.
- CHARLIE: All right, well,

I'll let you go,
but call me if you're lonely.

(ringtone playing)


- KAT: I'm lonely.
- (laughing)

It's been like 13 seconds.

Are you brushing your teeth?

- Yes.
- Are you going to bed?

It-it's like 8:00 p.m. there.

Um, maybe.

- Wow.
- Well, I'm gonna read.

I'm not gonna go right to bed.

How's Lou?

She's really good.

She finally agreed
to join the math club,

which makes me happy
'cause she's phenomenal at math

even though
she doesn't want to be.

Well, maybe she just
doesn't want to be you.

That's for certain.

But it's not really that.

It's-it's more that
she's afraid, and,

you know, she almost won
the Mathalon when she was 11.

- The Mathalon?
- Yeah, the Mathalon.

It's kind of like
the Grammys for math,

except there's like
four people in the audience.

-Ah. -She kind of froze
in the finals,

and then some kids
made fun of her and...

I just want her
to find her place.

Just give her a minute.

Yeah, definitely.

Okay, well, I'm glad
you were lonely.


I guess I'll let you
get to bed now.

- (laughs) Okay.
- Bye.

So long. Adios.

(laughs) Bye.

See you.


(kids chattering)

(school bell rings)

Okay, after you've completed
the prime factorization,

identify the distinct
prime factor.

All right, listen up,
Coolidge Pi-thons.

- I'm here on official business.
- Park...

First of all, who didn't get
their waiver signed?

All right, you two, out.

Hey, y-you can't just
dismiss my students.

(mock stammering) Yes, I can.

You heard me. Scram. Beat it!

Now, for the rest of you

who know how
to follow direction,

I bring you the one, the only...

(students gasping)

(squealing excitedly)

Kat, I love you!

Percy, stop yelling.
She's right here.


Thought you had a private
for, like, a fortune.

I rescheduled.

PARKER: All right,
who's got a question for Kat?

- Oh, I do! I do!
- Me! Me!

Say something smart.

Don't embarrass me.

Uh, George.

Did you really kiss Katy Perry?

Actually, she kissed me.

- KAT: Next.


Uh, Not George.

- Spencer.
- Don't care.

Why is Mr. Gilbert
better than Bastian?


he didn't cheat on me
with my assistant.

- (laughter, cheering)

Okay, you guys caught us
right in the middle

of our mock Mathalon training,

which you're welcome to stay
and enjoy for a little bit.

Uh, Lou, you're up.

- (whispers): Dad, no.
- KAT: Is that Lou?


Finally. Hi.

I've wanted to meet you forever.

Me, too.

PARKER: Are you kidding me?
They haven't met?

- No.
- What is wrong with you?

- Well, they...
- (whispers): You're married.

Can we forget about
the mock Mathalon?

I have a million questions
for Kat.

Yeah, and Lou's too scared
to get up

in front of people anyways.

Shut up, Jose.

Oh, well, don't worry.
I totally get it.

You know, sometimes when I have
to get up in front of an arena

with thousands and thousands
of people, I get so nervous.

(student murmuring in disbelief)

No, I'm serious.
I'm afraid I'll choke.

Okay, Mel, pull up
"Kat VMAs 2010."

- I've got it.
- Oh, okay.

- Hey, Google.
- Look at this.

Show me a video: "Kat Valdez
2010 VMA performance."

♪ Number nine, yeah,
I'm going up ♪

♪ I'm getting so high ♪

♪ I'm not the sa... ♪

Hey, Google.

- (laughs): That's enough.
- (music stops)

- (students groaning)
- Yeah.

I forgot the lyrics on live TV

to a song that I wrote.

It could happen to anybody.

Yeah, but the point is
that once it does,

you're always worried, you know?

What if it happens again?

What did you do?

I shifted focus.

I made my dance so hard

that all I could do
was concentrate on the steps.

So, it's like
you distracted your mind.

Yes. Exactly.

Concentrating on the dance steps
made me forget how scared I was.

Mel, we're gonna need
some speakers.

Not too loud, right?

(blasting over speakers):
♪ I just got paid... ♪


And two.

And free your mind,
and three and four.

Make a turn, three and four.

Again, three and four.

♪ Don't know
where we're going... ♪

And one and two,
and three and four.

And ask a question,
three and four.

Look alive, Chuck,
three and four.

Oh, uh, okay.

Lou, what is 43 times 101?

- 4-3-4-3.
- Yes!

Yes, you're on fire. Yes!

You're ruining it, Charlie,
three and four.

Keep the time,
and three and four.

And turn.

Esther, what is five factorial?

Uh, 120.


All geniuses with rhythm.


♪ I just got paid... ♪

Go, Percy. Go, Percy.

Go, Percy.

Go, Tristen.
Go, Tristen. Go, Tristen.

Go, Jose. Go, Jose.
Go, Jose. Go, Jose.


Go, Leah. Go, Leah. Go, Leah.

Go, Kat. Go, Kat.
Go, Kat. Go, Kat.


♪ I just got paid ♪

♪ Give me that, give me that,
give me that ♪

♪ Give me that,
give me that, give me that ♪

♪ Give me that money,
give me that money ♪

- ♪ Give me that money ♪
- ♪ I just got paid ♪

♪ Give me that, give me that,
give me that ♪

♪ Give me that,
give me that, give me that ♪

♪ Give me that money,
give me that money ♪

- ♪ Give me that money ♪
- (cheering)

♪ I just got paid. ♪

(piano plays simple melody)

What are the words?

Uh, I haven't figured
that out yet.

And, actually, the more I try,
the harder it gets.


You know, when I can't
figure out homework stuff,

my dad says,
"If you sit in the question,

the answer finds you."


And does it?

I don't know. I...

I don't sit long enough.


That's my problem, too.

So, do you like my dad?

I mean, he can be so annoying,

but he's also, like,
really smart and nice.

You know, your dad says
you're the best thing about him.

That's probably true.


Let's put it right over here.


- Is all this stuff for you?
- CHARLIE: Coach.

Is this another
endorsement deal?


They're donating merchandise
to Dress for Success,

which is a charity
that I work with.

- That's awesome.
- (chuckles)

You like?

I love.

(Charlie chuckling)

- No way.
- Yeah.

Can I?

Don't worry. I'll pay them back.

(shushes quietly)

- CHARLIE: Okay, come on.
- Thank you.

You got another bag in here
with some textbooks.

- Thank you.
- Are you kidding?

- (Charlie chuckles)
- I love it. (laughs)

- I got to get her home.
- What?

- Yeah. Yeah.
- Already? No.


I love Keats.

- Oh. (sucks teeth)
- Wha...

Stop. What are you doing?

- I killed it.
- (laughing): It's not...

Listen, I'm gonna say something

-that's probably gonna come out
completely wrong... -(chuckles)

but you're beautiful
without all of that.

- Aw.
- I mean, either way, you're...

good to go.

- Good to go?
- Good to go.

- (laughs) Okay, I'll take it.
- (laughs)

You're a great teacher, Charlie.

Those kids,
they're lucky to have you.

I don't know,
hanging with you guys today

made me feel kind of normal.

Wheels up for Puerto Rico
at 7:00.

Oh, my bad.

I thought you were by yourself.

Puerto Rico.

Um, my friends, they have
a bed-and-breakfast there, so...


Listen, if-if...
if Bastian is the guy

that you think
you're supposed to be with,

then, hell, I'll drive you
to the airport.

But if you're not sure...

then come with me

to the fall semiformal
tomorrow night.

Yeah, they need chaperones.

Maybe you need chaperoning.

Listen, I'm not saying this

as your husband
or even as your friend,

because technically
I'm not either,

but if you go back to Bastian,
aren't you just making

the same mistake
all over again... again?

♪ ♪

Are you asking me
to the school dance?

-Well, I could leave a note in
your locker, but... -(laughing)

here we are in free period,
so I figured I'd take my shot.

(chuckles softly)

(indistinct chatter, laughter)

Welcome. (chuckles)

Excuse me. Oh, wait, wait, wait.

Come on. Okay.

Can I have your left wrist?

My left wr... Okay.

Oh, my God.

How sweet.

Oh, and I also got you this
to give me.

(both laughing)

So thank you very much.

- I'm glad I thought of that.
- It's my favorite.

You look in...

You look... (sighs)

Let's go to the dance.

Out of respect for Mr. and Mrs.


we would like the gym
to be a photo-free zone,

so please check
your phones at the door.

(upbeat dance music playing)

You did all this for me?

- I might've had a little help.
- (laughs)

You know what, Kofi, why don't
you take the night off?

I'll let you know
when I need you.

All right.
Have a good time, y'all.

Okay. All right.


I'm gonna screen-grab
your search history

and send it to your mother.

That's a guarantee.

("Satisfied" by Galantis
featuring MAX playing)

- Hey.
- Hey.

- How are you?
- Good to see you.

♪ ♪

- Kill the music!
- (music stops)

A-one, two, three, four.

Hit it.

♪ Marry me, marry me, say yes ♪

♪ Marry me, marry me,
say yes... ♪

What are you doing?

You know, kids opening
for pop stars

is very big these days.

♪ I've never seen forever... ♪

When did the glee club
learn "Marry Me"?

When Charlie Gilbert
became Charlie Valdez.

- I'm hungry, Mr. Pitts.
- Keep singing!

You're an inspiration, Pitts.

Right back at you, Gilbert.

Oh, my God,
they are so adorable.

- Uh...
- Thank you.

If you could.

Um, yeah, okay. (laughs)

"To Jonathan Gregory Pitts,

a fellow architect of song."

(laughs) Okay, let her breathe
just a little bit.

Come on.

- ♪ Ring, ring, ring ♪
- ♪ Ring, ring ♪

-♪ Church bells, let 'em ring,
ring, ring... ♪ -(chuckles)

Love and light.

- Love and light.
- Okay. Cut!

- ♪ Tonight, tonight. ♪
- Bring the music back!

(over speakers):
♪ Keep me satisfied... ♪

(excited chatter)

(both chuckling)

So, do we have a job?

Do we have duties?
What do we do?

Yes, we do. We got to monitor.

We got to guide.
We got to encourage.

- Okay.
- We might have to discourage.

- (laughing)
- We might have to separate.

And maybe later... mm, dance?

(laughing): I don't think
you want to see that.

Oh, I do. I do want to see that.

Did you see my corsage?

I did.

(indistinct chatter)

♪ ♪


- (camera clicks)
- (yells playfully)


Oh, yeah, I want to do one.

- Ready?
- Yep.


Hold this.

What are you doing?

A private.

(upbeat dance music playing)

(feedback squeals)

Hey, everybody.

- (music stops)
- (excited chatter)

This is my first semiformal,

and, uh,

I just want to thank you guys
for letting me crash.

We love you, Kat!

(chuckles) Thank you, Parker.

Love you, too.

Uh, you guys mind
if I do a song?

- (cheering)
- Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

I actually wrote this song
when I was about your age.

It was on my very first album.

It's called "After Love."

You guys may not know it.

- I do!
- KAT: Oh. Do you want to come

- up here and do it with me?
- (Parker gasps)

- You play?
- Y-Yeah.

Let's do it.



Give it up for a fellow
architect of song, Mr. Pitts.


- Pitts!
- Mr. Pitts!


Three, four.

- ♪ Long nights in your car ♪
- (guitar playing)

♪ Mornings in your arms ♪

♪ From five-hour calls ♪

♪ To nothing at all ♪

♪ I guess I missed the signs ♪

♪ The writing on the wall, ooh ♪

♪ Don't know where
it all went wrong ♪

♪ But if this is how
it's got to be ♪

♪ I need someone to tell me,
tell me, tell me, tell me ♪

♪ What comes after love? ♪

♪ I want to know there's
something for me after us ♪

♪ I don't think my heart
was made to break this much ♪

♪ Tell me there's
a happy ever after love ♪

♪ Tell me there's a happy
ever after us ♪

- ♪ I believe, I believe ♪
- (attendees singing along)

♪ I believe in love ♪

♪ Even if, even if
it wasn't meant for us ♪

♪ I believe, I believe,
I believe in love ♪

♪ I just need someone
to tell me ♪

♪ Tell me, tell me, tell me ♪

♪ What comes after love? ♪

♪ I want to know there's
something for me after us ♪

♪ I don't think my heart
was made to break this much ♪

♪ Tell me there's
a happy ever after love ♪

♪ Tell me there's a happy
ever after us. ♪

- (song ends)
- (cheering)

-Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you. -Thank you.

Thank you guys so much!

Well, that is
my new favorite song.

(Kat chuckles)

What was your old favorite song?

Um... I don't know,

this might be a little
too edgy for you to handle,

but when my mom was sick,
we watched a lot of musicals,

and her favorite was Camelot.


You know, it was like
Game of Thrones

but less nudity and murder.

- More music and velvet.
- (laughs)

But, anyway, when Lancelot

wants to tell Guenevere
how he feels,

instead of saying,
"I want to be with you,"

he says, "We're gonna split up.
It's inevitable."

That's a little depressing.

No, not when you hear it.

"If ever I were to leave you,
it wouldn't be in summer."

♪ If ever I would leave you ♪

♪ It wouldn't be in summer ♪

♪ Seeing you in summer,
I never would go ♪

- It's nice.
- Yeah.

♪ Your hair streaked
with sunlight ♪

♪ Your lips red as flame... ♪

- Dance with me.
- (laughs): No, I don't dance.

Come on. Dance with me.

Just a little bit.

There we go.

♪ How could it be in autumn? ♪

♪ How I'd leave in autumn ♪

♪ I never would know... ♪

Shouldn't we be listening
to Barry White or Drake...

-(laughing) -...or whatever
it is you listen to

when you're about to,
you know...

To what?


Well, I don't want to presume

that I'm about to have
the best night of my life,

but if I am, I don't want
to do it to Robert Goulet.

I like it.

You do?

♪ When you catch
the fire's glow ♪

A lot.

♪ If ever I would leave you ♪

♪ How could it be
in springtime ♪

♪ Knowing how in spring ♪

♪ I'm bewitched by you so? ♪

♪ Oh, no, not in springtime... ♪

Is this smart?

I think we left smart
six weeks ago.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

(birds chirping)


(Charlie sighs)

- Morning.
- Morning.

Thank God you're here.

'Cause I did have
just a minute of:

- "Is she gone? Did she leave?"
- (laughs)

I was like, "God, just...

"I know you rock stars
move fast,

-on to the next town,
like, just love..." -(laughs)

- Oh, God. Here, take it.
- (cell phone ringing)


Hey, how was last night?

- KAT: Amazing.
- MELISSA: Wait. Where are you?

- Are you with, uh...
- Yeah. Charlie.

- Still?
- Still.

(Melissa continues indistinctly
over phone)

"Charlie. Still."

KAT: Let's just move that
to Tuesday.

But they're expecting you.

Sorry. Just tell 'em no.

- Okay.
- Okay.

I'll call you later.

Did I hear you just
rearranging your day for me?


And you're welcome.

Thank you.

You and your mom?

Yeah, at Coney Island.

The Wonder Wheel.

Well, we actually called it
"the wishing wheel."

Yeah. We loved going out there.

Although the last time
that I took her out there,

it was closed
'cause it was winter.

It was, like, right before
she passed away.

- Oh, I'm sorry.
- No, no.

It-It's okay.
I like talking about her.

It happened a while ago
when Lou was like five, but...

they definitely got to spend
some good times together.

And it's crazy how much of her
I see in Lou.

You think she would've liked me?



Yes, she would've loved you.

She would've thought
you were amazing.

I mean, she might have
questioned a few things.

She was very...

Well, she was
very self-sufficient.

Well, I'm, like,
the most self-sufficient

person on the planet.

-I mean, I do more things
in one day than... -No, I know.

I know you do.
I'm not saying that.

I'm saying you have
a lot of people,

you know,
kind of handling things.

There's nothing wrong
with having help.

-I mean, it doesn't mean
I'm helpless. -(chuckles)

It just means that I have
a lot of things on my plate.

I know, but you might not need
as many people helping you

as you think you do.

So, what are you saying?

You want me to try being alone?

Because I could go
be alone right now.

No, no, uh, let's be clear.

"Alone" means without help,
not alone without me.


Is this a challenge?

Now you get it.

- What, are you challenging me?
- Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, but let's make it
a real challenge, okay?

- Okay.
- That means without doormen.

- Without yes-Melissa.
- Fine.

Without cooks,

without cleaners,
without hair extenders.

- (laughs)
- Yeah, this is serious.

Without live-feeding.

Without constant
filming updates.

Without all that little stuff.

Okay. I can do that.

- Okay.
- What are you gonna do?

Me? I'm...
You know, I'm gonna be there.

I'm gonna monitor.


Nice try, buddy.

- Okay.
- (laughing): What?

You're gonna get
on social media.

- No.
- Yes.

Come on, that's...
This is about you.

You're gonna go on social media.

You're gonna have Snapchat
and Instagram and TikTok.

- You're gonna do a dance! Yes!
- This is about you.

- Don't flip it.
- No, listen.

Why are you so judgmental?

It's so crazy.

No, look, this is
gonna be a great thing.

It's an amazing platform
for you as a teacher.

- (sighs)
- Seriously.

If you don't do it,
I'm not doing it.


(birds squawking)

CHARLIE: So, this is
your little getaway?

(door banging)

Nope. It's locked.

Nothing under there?

Gosh. Dang it.

Jeff, can you...

No, no, th-that's cheating.

Come on. What are you gonna do?

You got a little problem.

Sometimes you just
got to concede.

It's okay.

(alarm blaring)

You really like to win.

Yes! (grunts, laughs)


I'm sorry I couldn't find
the wine glasses.

- It's better.
- (laughs)

- Living room.
- (computer chimes)


Ugh, this...

Uh, no. Sound.

(computer chimes)

- (laughing): Oh, my God.
- (horse neighs on TV)

- Jesus!
- Whose house is this?

Well, that actually
could be nice

to offset the breeze
from the broken window.

- We can make s'mores.
- I like s'mores.

- Me, too.
- Yeah.

♪ What comes after love... ♪

I am going to make us
these smoothies all by myself.

♪ I don't think my heart
was made to break this much ♪

♪ Tell me there's
a happy ever after us... ♪


I think you may have
forgotten this.

ESTHER: Jesus, he's had
an account for 45 minutes,

and he already has
half a million followers.

- Oh, my God. Look.
- STUDENT: Half a million?

Now you need your own web page.

"Numbers Neva Lie."

- Oh, that's perfect.
- That is a good one.

- I love that. Do you love that?
- Yeah, yeah, I do like it.

So, what do you want
your caption to be, Mr. G?

"If you sit in the question,

the answer will find you."


Sorry, I was checking out
this guy on Instagram.

Oh. Should I be jealous?

He sounds very interesting
and handsome.

Just posting about
all this math stuff.

Oh, one of those.

Brought you an apple.

♪ ♪

Happy birthday, part one.

Oh. Thank you.

- (laughs)
- Yeah, on my last birthday,

I was at a math conference
in the Poconos.


- I have a lot to live up to.
- Yes.

- Open it!
- Okay.

Like, a handkerchief or...

Turn around.

Oh, it's a blindfold.

- (Kat laughing)
- Oh.

I'm a little taken aback.

I, uh, didn't know
this was your thing,

- but whatever you're... into.
- Shh.

- KAT: Okay, straight ahead.
- CHARLIE: Okay.

I got to say,
I'm getting excited.

- You should be.
- (laughing): Okay.

Wait, turn around.

It's not a piñata.

Maybe. Okay.

That's it, right there.

- That's where I need you.
- Yeah. Oh, yeah.

- You ready?
- Okay.

Happy birthday.



I know a guy who knows a guy.

Come on.

CHARLIE: Okay, so we're on
the wishing wheel.

- KAT: Yes.
- CHARLIE: Go ahead.

'Kay, done.

Your turn. Make a wish.

I already got it.

♪ ♪

KAT (over speakers):
♪ Since you came around ♪

♪ You're testing my faith ♪

♪ I'm praying out loud ♪

KAT (chuckling):

♪ I feel it in my chest... ♪

- 21!
- Yes!

- (cheering)
- Yeah!

- Yeah!
- Hey.

Come on. Okay. Sorry, sorry.

Great day, you guys.

We are finished.
Grab your stuff.

- (kids murmuring)
- LOU: I'm ready.

You are. You're gonna be great.

- STUDENT: Yo, is that Bastian?
- KAT: Amazing. -LOU: Thanks.

- BASTIAN: Yo. What's up, kids?
- STUDENT: Oh, my God, Bastian!

(excited chatter)

Wait, what's going on?

He insisted on coming.

Hey, come on, now. Your parents
are waiting for you outside.

Okay. See you later, guys.
See you. Bye.

I tried to give you a heads-up,

but somebody wasn't
answering her phone.

No, no.
There are no phones at school.

- What are you guys doing here?
- You got nominated

for Best Pop Vocal Performance
at the Grammys.


"Marry Me"...
(continues in Spanish)

- Yeah. -Oh, my God!
- We got nominated!

- Can you believe it?
- Congratulations.

- Oh, my God, yes!
- (chuckles): Congratulations.

- Yes. Oh, my God.
- Wow.

I can't believe this.

It was only
a matter of time, babe.

- Oh, my God.
- You should tell her.

Oh, yeah.
So, um, Bastian's concert

at Madison Square Garden
on Friday is streaming

across multiple platforms,
so there's loads of exposure.

Yeah, he thought we could

surprise everyone
and do "Marry Me."

COLIN: Right. Now, the ballots
are out next week,

and nobody's seen you two
together since...

well, you know, a while.


You know, we don't...
we don't have any

- of the dancers in town.
- BASTIAN: No, no, no.

It's short notice. I-I don't...

No, but wait. But we can do
the ballad version.

The one that we wanted
to release after the ceremony.

I don't know, Sebastian.


Come on. "Sebastian"?

That's his real name.

Look, can I just...

I-I know this is a little...

I'm not trying to make
a thing here,

but this is the song that
you were gonna get married to.

This is huge for me.

Totally. Totally.

You should come.
I want you to come.

Are you gonna come with us?

Right. Okay. I mean, it's...

it's not a big deal.

The nomination is.

So please don't be upset.

I-I'm just being a jerk.

And I'm sorry.

I just want you to remember
award shows are bullshit

and you don't need them
to tell you how good you are.

I know.

Just do me a favor.

Don't say "Sebastian."

(door opens)

See you, babe.

- See you soon.
- Hey.

We got to schedule
a band rehearsal

- and a wardrobe fitting.
- Okay.

- Now?
- Yes, now.

- Yes.
- Okay. You good?

- I'm good.
- Are you sure?

Okay, I'll call you.

MELISSA: This is gonna be
so exciting! (squeals)


- You okay?
- Yeah.

Just keeping Tank company.

Good dog.

You're afraid she'll fall back
in love with Bastian

and dump you?



I'd be afraid of that, too.

(audience cheering)

(cheering continues)

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Thank you. Um...

I have a little surprise
for you tonight.

There is a woman

- who's been my heart...
- (cheering)

and my biggest inspiration.

She always gonna be my family.

(lush orchestral ballad begins)

And we're always gonna have...

"Marry Me."


(cheering over computer)

Crowd's going bananas.

I know.

I don't know if I'd say
"bananas," but...

♪ I've never seen forever ♪

♪ I've never seen forever
in the wild ♪

♪ But now I'm lookin',
now I'm lookin' in its eyes ♪

♪ Baby, you're my shelter ♪

♪ Shelter from
a broken paradise ♪

♪ I couldn't dream it
any better if I tried ♪

♪ True love gotta
ring, ring, ring ♪

♪ Church bells,
let 'em ring, ring, ring ♪

♪ You're the queen,
I'll be the king, king, king ♪

♪ For life, for life, for love ♪

♪ Marry me, marry me, say yes ♪

♪ Marry me, marry me,
say yes ♪

♪ Marry me, marry me, say yes ♪

♪ For the rest,
the rest of your life ♪

♪ I'm-a fly her off to Vegas ♪

♪ We could tie it up tonight,
no patience ♪

♪ Take my last name,
put it where your name is ♪

♪ Have they ever seen
a love this famous? ♪

♪ They never, no, they never ♪

♪ This forever,
ever, ever, ever, ever ♪

♪ Ain't nobody do it
better, better, better ♪

♪ Every song we getting better ♪

♪ True love gotta
ring, ring, ring ♪

♪ Ooh, we gotta ♪

♪ Church bells,
let 'em ring, ring, ring ♪

♪ Ooh, they gotta ♪

♪ This queen need
a king, king, king ♪

♪ For life, for life, for life ♪

- ♪ For life ♪
- ♪ Yeah ♪

♪ True love gotta
ring, ring, ring ♪

- ♪ Ring, ring ♪
- ♪ Church bells ♪

♪ Let 'em ring, ring, ring ♪

♪ Ring, ring ♪

♪ Angels gonna
sing, sing, sing ♪

♪ Tonight, tonight,
tonight, baby ♪

♪ Marry me, marry me, say yes ♪

♪ Marry me, marry me,
say yes ♪

♪ Marry me, marry me, say yes
for the rest ♪

- ♪ The rest of your life ♪
- ♪ Marry me, baby ♪

♪ Marry me, marry me, say yes ♪

♪ Marry me, marry me,
say yes ♪

♪ Marry me, marry me, say yes ♪

♪ For the rest,
the rest of your life ♪

♪ Baby ♪

(singing in Spanish)

♪ Ma-ma-ma-ma, ma-ma-ma-ma,
ma-marry me ♪

♪ Won't you marry me, baby? ♪

♪ Ma-ma-ma-ma, ma-ma-ma-ma,
ma-marry me ♪

♪ I want you in my life so bad ♪

♪ Ma-ma-ma-ma, ma-ma-ma-ma,
ma-marry me ♪

♪ Won't you love me, baby? ♪

♪ Ma-ma-ma-ma, ma-ma-ma-ma,
ma-marry me ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Ah-ah-ah. ♪

- (song ends)
- (cheering)

Get your ass to the Garden.

(pop music playing faintly)

(indistinct chatter)


- Yeah. Pose.
- We did it.

We look so good!

You guys's chemistry
is off the charts.

Come on, guys. Let's do it.

And the audience felt it.

(playing soft pop intro)

(excited chatter, applause)

(Bastian singing in Spanish)

- You know?
- Yeah.

- (laughing): Oh, my God.

- I didn't know you were coming.
- Hey.

No, I wasn't,
and then I was like,

"I'm gonna get down there,"

but I didn't have a pass,

so I couldn't get in at first,
and then luckily,

someone saw me
and they brought me backstage

and then brought me over here.

So, you didn't see it?

No, no, I did. I did. Yeah.

Uh, did you like it?

I-I... I thought it was amazing.

I-I was really happy for you.

I think you're amazing.


Can you guys... You know,
fine, we'll go over here.

- COLIN: Oh, yeah.
- (laughs)

(continues singing in Spanish)

It was great. It was...

Social media is exploding.

It's, uh... They're even saying
you guys are back together.

Well, if social media says
it's true, it must be true.

- (chuckles)
- (Charlie sighs)

Wait, are you okay?

Yeah, no, I'm good.
I'm good. I'm just...

I'm looking at you here,
and it... it all worked out.

I mean, no one even remembers
the meltdown.

I know. It's crazy, right?


I'm really happy for you.

You deserve it.

You really do.

(Bastian continues singing
in Spanish)

God, he can sing.

♪ Dame un segundo,
un segundo chance... ♪


What-what is that?
Second chances?

It's just a song.


Maybe it's something more.

What's going on?

Look, I know this is a big deal,

and that's why I wanted
to come down here,

but I don't fit.

And I think that's
objectively pretty true.

- And we don't need to pr...
- So, what are you saying?

Look, if I'm being honest
with myself,

I real...
I really came down here

just to say that this...
I don't think this works.

- (song ends)
- (cheering and applause)

BASTIAN: Can I have a bottle
of Hennessy X.O? Yeah?

Are you breaking up with me?

Katarina. Kat.

Kat, come here.

- Come here.
- It's okay. Go.

- Go.
- No.

- BASTIAN: Come here.
- What are you saying?

- Tell me what you...
- MELISSA: Hey, come on.

- What-what do you mean?
- Everybody's calling you.

It's nothing. Talk later.

- Go. Go.
- BASTIAN: Come here, baby.

It's fine. Keep going.

- Come on.
- GUESTS: Kat! Kat! Kat!

Kat! Kat! Kat! Kat! Kat!

- (laughing)
- (guests whooping)

Guys, raise your glasses

to the woman who made
all this possible tonight.

To you.

To you, Kat.

- Salud.
- GUESTS: Salud.

- (guests cheering)
- Salud, salud.

Yes, cheers!

It's for you, Kat!

(piano playing simple melody)

(simple melody continues)

♪ Always knew you ♪

♪ Even when I didn't know you ♪

♪ Don't make sense, but it do ♪

♪ I was on my way to you ♪

♪ Every teardrop fell so heavy ♪

♪ Hurt like hell,
but heaven sent me through ♪

♪ I was on my way to you ♪

♪ And every heartbreak was
a yellow brick road ♪

♪ Pointing me straight,
just taking me home ♪

♪ I was never lost ♪

♪ I was just passing through ♪

♪ I was on my way to you ♪

♪ Hope was hopeless,
faith was running ♪

♪ Didn't notice
you were coming through ♪

♪ You were on your way, too ♪

♪ And you don't believe
in meant to be ♪

♪ But somehow you were
meant for me, it's true ♪

(bell jingling)

♪ Yeah, you were
on your way, too ♪

♪ Every heartbreak was
a yellow brick road ♪

♪ Pointing me straight,
just taking me home ♪

♪ I was never lost ♪

♪ I was just passing through ♪

♪ I was on my way to you ♪

♪ I was
on my way to you ♪

♪ I was on my way to you ♪

♪ I was on my way to you, oh ♪

♪ I'm on my way,
on my way to you ♪

♪ On my way ♪

♪ On my way to you ♪

♪ On my way ♪

♪ On my way to you, oh ♪

♪ I'm on my way, I'm on my way ♪

♪ On my way ♪

♪ On my way to you ♪

♪ On my way ♪

♪ On my way to you, oh ♪

♪ And every heartbreak was
a yellow brick road ♪

♪ Pointing me straight,
just taking me home ♪

♪ I was never lost ♪

♪ I was just passing through ♪

♪ On my way to you ♪

♪ On my way ♪

- ♪ On my way to you ♪
- ♪ Ooh... ♪

♪ On my way, on my way to you ♪

♪ On my way ♪

♪ On my way to you ♪

♪ Oh, my darling ♪

♪ I'm on my way. ♪

(piano playing gentle outro)

(song ends)

COLIN: Come on, Charlie.
Don't be stupid.

Well, it's a little late
for that.

- You got another one.
- Take it, please.

It-it's made out to the school.

It just feels a little unseemly.

- I didn't do it for the money.
- I know,

but if you don't take the check,
then the prenup's not binding.

You could sell your story.

- You could write a book.
- (scoffs)

Is that what you think of me?

Oh, come on, Charlie.

I was rooting for you.

I wanted it to work.
The whole world wanted it to.

I'm sorry to disappoint you
and the world.

You're disappointing yourself.

I'm protecting myself.

I can't get away from her.

There's always a poster,
a Vitamix or a billboard.

You know they're not together?

Maybe not.

But, Colin,
can you do me a favor?

Will you be there for her
when she figures it all out?

She's gonna need someone.

♪ ♪

FALLON: On Friday's show,
we'll be talking

to the beautiful Kat Valdez

about her new hit single
"On My Way,"

with a special surprise guest
that you won't want to miss.

(Tank snoring)

- Night.
- Night.

established by jaw snapping,

headbutting or tail slapping.

Physical dominance
establishes the leader.

Pods can travel in herds
of up to hundreds of dolphins

and can cover 80 miles.

(broadcast fades)

♪ ♪

Mathalon, baby,
with the Mathalonians.

- Headed to Peoria, Illinois.
- Hey.

- Coming to get ya.
- (kids chattering)

- Wait, what are you doing?
- Oh, we're live.

Say something smart
or witty or, uh, numeric.

- (Charlie clears throat)
- 5,000 people are watching.


- Charles.
- I'm serious.

Um, I can't. Turn it off.

Are you at some point
gonna be fun again?

I was never fun.

That's true,
and I love you anyway.

You know, you're not always
gonna feel this way.

You're lucky you made it.
We were gonna leave without you.

Parker. No, we weren't.

- Come on, let's go, Percy.
- We absolutely were.

ANIKAH: I loved you
and Charlie as a couple.

Are you still friends?

Is it okay if I ask you that?


Um, sure.

Yeah. (chuckles)

He seems like the sweetest man.

You know, I actually DMed him

to wish him luck
on his Mathalon tomorrow.

He never answered, obviously.

Mathalon's tomorrow?


- (door closes)


I'll just fix that.

Thank you.

- Oh, I like that.
- Mm. Thank you.

- BASTIAN: Nice.
- (audience cheering)

So, we've been... we've been

beating around the bush,
and I think that

we should get right down to it.

I mean, we all know that
you guys are not "together,"

uh, yet you wrote "Marry Me"
for each other.

Uh, Bastian wrote "Segundo"
for Kat.

Kat wrote "On My Way"
for Bastian.

I'd say the next song
should probably be, uh,

- "Come On Already!" Am I right?
- (audience laughing)

(chuckles) Let's see if
we can get these two guys

to sing a little romantic duet
when we come back.

- Ooh.

- Do not change that channel.
- (cheering and applause)

(band playing upbeat music)

I didn't write "On My Way"
for Bastian.

I'm sorry, Jimmy.

I know it's an inopportune time
to have an epiphany, but...

I don't want to go back.

Someone told me that if you sit
in the question long enough,

the answer finds you.

And the answer is...

I don't want to keep making
the same mistakes over and over.

I want something different.

- Come here.
- (audience gasping, murmuring)

So, I'm guessing
no romantic duet.

(cameras clicking rapidly)

- Hey. -Kat!
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

- That's Kat Valdez.
- Kat! Kat, wait! -Over here!

-Where you going? -Kat, hey!
How about a shot, huh?


- I'll get you a plane.
- No.

I want to do this
by myself, okay?

- Can't be that hard.
- PHOTOGRAPHER: Kat, come on.

- Kat, where you headed?
- How about another shot?

Take me to the airport.



That's not our car.

Whoa. Is that Kat Valdez?

Oh, my God. Kat Valdez?

You're right.
What's she doing here?

(people murmuring)

Sorry. The last
connecting flight to Peoria

is through Chicago,
but it's all sold out.

- (sighs)
- If you fly tomorrow...

Tonight. It has to be tonight.

The Mathalon will be over
by noon tomorrow,

and I promised I'd be there.

I will give anyone $5,000 for
their standby slot to Chicago.

It's illegal. You can't buy
someone else's ticket.

- You can't?
- COLIN: Kat.

Did you know it's illegal
to buy someone else's ticket?

Uh, yeah. Everyone does.

Now, I can't get you a plane,

but we got you
the last available ticket.

It's in coach.

- You're a lifesaver.
- Yeah, yeah.

Tell me that
after you get there, okay?

So, there's your passport
and some money.

Go find your answer.

- Okay.
- Go on.


MAN (over intercom):
Ladies and gentlemen, due to

freezing weather conditions
and some strong headwinds,

we will be in flight
a little longer than usual,

but we will get you there
by morning.

- (passengers groaning)
- Excuse me, miss.

I'd like to buy champagne
and caviar for the whole flight.

I'm sorry. We only have
ham wraps, cheese cubes

and Michelob ULTRA.

Okay, well, then ham wraps
and Michelob ULTRA.

(passengers murmuring happily)

What about the cheese cubes?

Cheese cubes, too. Why not?

Um, also, who wants to sell me
a very heavy winter coat?

(timer ticking)

Uh, the answer is nine?

- (bell dings)
- That answer is correct.

-(cheering) -This round goes
to the Coolidge Pi-thons.

Nice, Esther.

Good job.

- Go, Esther!
- (cheering continues)

Where are the people
with the cars?

Excuse me, sir.
Do you have a phone charger?

- I-I need...
- No. Sorry.

- PARKER: I do.
- You...

Colin called me, so...

Is Charlie here?

You know, I didn't tell him
I was coming.

I didn't want to screw with him
on the big day, in case...

You know, he's not good
with the back-and-forth,

so I got to ask you, Kat,
are you...

Is this for real?

Well, I walked out on Fallon

to freeze my toes off
in Peoria, so...

Excellent point.

I called an Uber.

47 minutes?


We're not gonna make it.

Didn't they already start?

Should we hitch a ride?
I don't know what...

- (tires screeching)
- Wait!

This woman,
this superstar, this icon,

has flown in coach in stilettos

to win back the unlikely
love of her life,

who, against all odds,
she loves.

And he loves her.

He does, right?


The next thing you say will
forecast not just their future

but the future of-of anyone
who ever believed

in the magic of a leap of faith.

-Look... -She'll give you
a thousand dollars.

The answer is 15.

- (bell dings)
- The answer is correct.

-Five points,
Trinity Numerators. -Yes!

Yes! Get 'em!


After a break,

we're moving
to a sudden-death round

between the
three-time champions,

- Trinity Numerators...

And the first-time finalists,
Coolidge Pi-thons.

(excited chatter)

Sudden death.

- Ooh. Blast off.
- (chuckling)

First up, Lou Gilbert
for the Coolidge Pi-thons.

Choker better pray.

- (laughter)
- Shut up.

(Manny laughing)

You laughing at that?

(sighs) Look...

I don't want to embarrass you.

I know that's your daughter.

- CHARLIE: Yeah?
- MANNY: I saw her last year.

She's got stage fright.

My daughter's fine.

Look, I just think maybe
it would be easier on you

if you guys
just conceded the title.

- Concede?
- Mm-hmm.

- Give you the trophy?
- No.

It's more like you save
yourself from humiliation.


Okay, huddle up. Here we go.

So, um, Coach Looney Tunes
over there wants to know

if we just want to concede
and give him the trophy.

- That doesn't even make sense.

- CHARLIE: Yeah.
- Four in a row, baby.

How about we go show him
what the Pi-thons are all about?


(all hissing)

Lou, you ready for this?

Watch me.

♪ ♪

This next answer will determine

whether the Coolidge Pi-thons
win the Mathalon.

Lou Gilbert.

- Yes, Lou.
- Go, Lou!

(Pi-Thons murmuring
encouragement, clapping)

- Come on, Lou. -You got this.
- (encouragement continues)

- Come on, Lou. You got this.
- PI-THON: Come on, Lou.

A circle with perimeter eight pi
is inscribed in an ellipse

whose width is twice its height.

What is the area of the ellipse
in square units?

(Pi-thons murmuring

PI-THON: You know this.
Set your mind to it.

NUMERATOR (whispers):
She's got it.

- Yeah, she...
- (makes choking sounds)

Anyone know a good choke?

- Hey.
- JUDGE: Quiet, please.

Please respect the Mathalonians.


It's not fair.


(laughter continues)

(camera clicks)

I tried to protect you
from this.

- (spectators murmuring)
- Stop it.

Stay with us, Lou.


(trembling breaths)

Don't let it get in your head!


- What the hell is this?
- (cell phone chimes)

Oh, my God.

You guys, it's over here!


Yeah, Mr. Gilbert. Good idea.

Yeah, that's it, Mr. Gilbert.

Yeah. Yeah.

- You got it.
- (Pi-thons murmuring)

Come on!

Come on. Objection.
He's counting.

He's dancing, you lunatic.

That's Kat Valdez.

Oh, my gosh. I'm gonna die.

Come on. Come on.

(Pi-thons murmuring

I believe in you!

- 32 pi!
- (buzzer sounds, bell dings)

- The answer is correct.
- PI-THONS: Yes!

But the timer's elapsed.

The Trinity Numerators retain
their national status.

- (cheering)
- We'll reconvene

-in ten minutes for
the awards presentation. -Yeah!

Hey, it's okay, Lou.

NUMERATORS (chanting):
Four years in a row!

Four years in a row!
Four years in a row!

Hey. Hey.

I'm so proud of you.

- (crying): Dad, I lost again.
- No, it doesn't matter.

First of all, you got it right.
It was perfect.

But second of all,
you were just up there.

You stood up there,
and you were so brave.

I'm the one who should be crying

- for the dancing I was doing.
- (laughs)

- You were great.
- (sobbing)

Thank you.

I love you, Dad. (sniffles)

You were amazing, Lou.

Really, I mean,

you took a shot
even though it was scary.

That's what matters.

Not everything adds up
the way you think it will.

You know, they say
if you want something different,

you have to do
something different.

What if we're just
too different?

What if we're not?

(kids gasping, murmuring)

(chuckles softly)



I'm fully blacking out
right now.

- Come on, Mr. G.
- Come on, Mr. G!

You're leaving her hanging.

Come on, dude.




Here we go.

♪ Marry me, marry me, say yes ♪

♪ Marry me, marry me,
say yes ♪

♪ Marry me, marry me, say yes ♪

♪ For the rest, the rest... ♪

♪ I never seen forever ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ I never seen forever
in the wild ♪

♪ But now I'm lookin',
now I'm lookin' in its eyes ♪

♪ Baby, you're my shelter ♪

♪ Shelter from
a broken paradise ♪

♪ I couldn't dream it ♪

♪ Any better if I tried ♪

♪ True love gotta
ring, ring, ring ♪

- ♪ Ring, ring ♪
- ♪ Church bells ♪

- ♪ Let 'em ring, ring, ring ♪
- ♪ Ring, ring ♪

♪ Angels gonna
sing, sing, sing ♪

♪ Tonight, tonight, tonight ♪

♪ Baby ♪

♪ Marry me, marry me, say yes ♪

♪ Marry me, marry me,
say yes ♪

♪ Marry me, marry me, say yes ♪

♪ For the rest,
the rest of your life ♪

♪ Ma-ma-ma, ma-ma-ma ♪

♪ Ma-Ma-Ma-Marry me ♪

♪ Won't you love me, baby? ♪

♪ Ma-ma-ma, ma-ma-ma,
ma-ma-ma-marry me... ♪

- Getting ready.
- Tanky.

- This is the calm... Oh, gee!
- Oh, no!

- Tank!
- (laughter)

- Okay, wait. Slower.
- He doesn't have teeth.

- Slower. Okay.
- He doesn't...

♪ Diamonds and a necklace,
everything else is off ♪

Good boy.

♪ Now he wanna bet
he can beat me to the bed... ♪

So, we met at Jimmy Fallon,
didn't we?

- Yeah.
- We didn't hook up at Fallon.

No, we had sex at Burning Man.

So, Kat made me come
to one of those...

Um, what are they
called again, babe?

- It's called a Mathalon, bro.
- Yes!

Oh, my God, it's so boring.

And what do you guys
do there again?

- It's this thing called, um...
- Math.

- Yes! Oh, my God.
- Yep. Mm-hmm.

I fell asleep just even
thinking about it, but...

She did.

-I-I met my most favorite
person here. -Mm.

We met at a party
as she was leaving.

And had I walked out
ten seconds earlier,

we never would've met.

And I bet you wish
that was the case sometimes.

(laughs) Never.

I had a six-mile radius set,

and she definitely lived
more than six miles away.

Well, she wanted
to meet at 4:00 p.m.

Who meets at 4:00 p.m.?

When we met,
he was in a unitard.

She liked what she saw.


81 years ago, we were born
in the same hospital

two days apart, in diapers.

Here it is 81 years later,

and we're back in diapers again.

- Oh, Charlie!
- (both laugh)

We met on a dating app,
but then,

uh, he invited me
on the second date,

um, camping in the woods,
and I was like,

"That seems unsafe...

- so I'll go."
- Her friend told her not to go.

Yeah, but she did,
and it's been five years,

and she's still alive.

(both laugh)

We met at a concert.

♪ Spotlight on you
got me zoomin' ♪

♪ I'm falling into you ♪

♪ We're dancing on tabletops ♪

♪ Neighbors calling the cops ♪

♪ When I'm with you,
feels like ♪

♪ Nobody's watching us ♪

♪ We're burning down
all the clocks ♪

♪ Hoping that time will stop ♪

♪ Block out the world tonight ♪

♪ Like nobody's watching us ♪

♪ Nobody's watching us ♪

♪ No, nobody's watching ♪

♪ So come touch my body ♪

♪ No, nobody's watching us ♪

♪ Nobody's watching us ♪

♪ No, nobody's watching ♪

♪ So come touch my body ♪

♪ No, nobody's watching us ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Right here by the light
of the moon ♪

♪ Spotlight on you
got me zoomin' ♪

♪ I'm falling into you ♪

♪ We're dancing on tabletops ♪

♪ Neighbors calling the cops ♪

♪ When I'm with you,
feels like ♪

♪ Nobody's watching us ♪

♪ We're burning down
all the clocks ♪

♪ Hoping that time will stop ♪

♪ Block out the world tonight ♪

♪ Like nobody's watching us ♪

♪ Nobody's watching us ♪

♪ No, nobody's watching ♪

♪ So come touch my body ♪

♪ No, nobody's watching us ♪

- ♪ No, no, no, no, no ♪
- ♪ No-no-no, no-no... ♪

♪ No, nobody's watching ♪

♪ So come touch my body ♪

♪ No, nobody's watching us ♪

- ♪ Na, na, na. ♪
- (song ends)

KAT: ♪ Got ocean views
from ceiling to the floor ♪

♪ Keep a milli by the bed,
a hundred more offshore-ore ♪

♪ Closets full of Louis
and Christian Dior ♪

♪ Picassos and van Goghs
that no one's seen before-ore ♪

♪ Diamonds drippin' down
like fountains ♪

♪ I'll sign, don't care
what the amount is ♪

♪ Every day and night ♪

♪ Live a life
filled with luxury ♪

♪ Don't matter
when you're not with me ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

(Kat singing in Spanish)

(Bastian singing in Spanish)

(Kat and Bastian
singing in Spanish)

♪ Is this sentimental ♪

♪ To put all my money
just right where my heart is? ♪

♪ But, baby, you're special ♪

♪ No matter the cost,
I'm-a do it regardless ♪

♪ Let's take a jet, we're
riding out to Puerto Rico ♪

♪ Later we get the yacht,
head to Santo Domingo ♪

♪ And my body, papi,
es tu party ♪

♪ Now I'm flying,
you be the pilot ♪

♪ No questioning our love,
make my best days even better ♪

♪ Long ain't long enough,
I'm looking at forever ♪

♪ Diamonds drippin' down
like fountains ♪

♪ I'll sign, don't care
what the amount is ♪

♪ Every day and night ♪

♪ Live a life
filled with luxury ♪

♪ Don't matter
when you're not with me ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

(Bastian singing in Spanish)

(Kat singing in Spanish)

(Kat and Bastian
singing in Spanish)

(Bastian singing in Spanish)

(Kat and Bastian
singing in Spanish)

(Bastian singing in Spanish)

(Kat and Bastian
singing in Spanish)

♪ All right, all right ♪

♪ Mamacita. ♪

(song fades)