Married to It (1991) - full transcript

NINA: I can't believe
we're really here.

It's such a long way
from home.

CHUCK: Wasn't that
the idea?

Something wrong
with yours, hon?

It's got legs.

It is squid.

It is?

(LAUGHING) How was
I supposed to know
calamari was squid?

Why did
you order it?

I'm trying to
develop more
sophisticated tastes.

A big shot like you
can't be married
to some hick from Iowa.



You're not some hick.
You're my hick.

Thanks... I think.

WAITER: Tea for the lady,

and milk
for the growing boy.

Happy anniversary,
Chuckles.

Happy anniversary, Nina.

Of gettin' married
or just livin' together?

Neither. Actually,
it's the 16th anniversary
of our first phone call.

You guys celebrate
everything?

Everything good.

Which is everything.

Well, good
isn't good enough.
It had to be great.

Come on, you can
tell me the truth.

Was it sort of okay,
not too awful?



It... It was fine.

Yeah,
that's what I said,
it was a disaster.

There were hundreds
of people there.

One hundred
and forty three,

including the Mayor's
entire staff
and the cleanup crew.

Come on, Iris,
what'd you expect?

You want people to spend
the last day of summer
watching clog dancing?

Come on, Dad.

Why not?

(BOYS CLAMORING)

The city is
a melting pot.

And we should be proud of
all the different art forms
that comprise our culture.

You sound like
a press release.

Today is Labor Day,
remember?

I just think we should
focus on some of
the labor struggles

our colorful neighbors
have endured.

Yeah, that'll be
a real crowd pleaser.

Oh, shit!
Hey!

IRIS: Oh!
JOHN: Asshole!

I love this car.

I think you married me
for this car.

Legs first.
Then mind, then car.

Maybe it was car,
then mind,
I don't remember.

Why did you marry me?

You're the second largest
penis I've ever seen.

(LAUGHS) Okay.

"Who has the first?"
he asked,
begging for trouble.

A statue in
the Piazza Signoria.

A statue, a statue.
A sculpture?
Mmm-hmm.

Very funny, very funny.

It's not fair. It's not fair.
(LAUGHING)

Why?
"Why?"

'Cause a sculpture
could always send out
for more marble.

I got to work
with what I got.

Too bad.

What you've got
works great for me.

Mmm.

I'm almost relaxed.

Oh, good.

I need some
champagne and caviar.

Let's go to Petrossian
and get drunk,

then go home
and get in the hot tub.

Then I'd be
totally relaxed.

Don't start, Claire.
We're picking up Lucy.

Didn't we have her
last week?

Yes, we did,
and we're gonna
have her tonight

for a few hours.
That's all.

Tonight is the night
before the first day
of school.

I always
cook her dinner.

How sweet.

It's kind of a tradition.

Yeah, hello?
Yeah, hello...

Yeah. Please let me
talk to Lucy.

No, no, your check
is not late, Madeleine.

Today is a legal holiday.
You'll get it tomorrow.

We're not gonna...
Hello, baby.

Hi, sweetheart.

How's my girl?

CHUCK: Mmm, no, no, no, no.
(NINA CHUCKLING)

Oh, this is
kinda nice.

No.
Yeah? No.

Diego hates yellow,
remember?

He said
it's the state color
of New Jersey.

Diego...
Well, it goes
with everything.

We don't have anything
for it to go with it.

Hey, get the one
you want.

I've got to get to work
so I can pay for it.

Are we so poor
that I can't even have
a new pair of shoes?

Your brother
only wore those
for three weeks.

In two weeks,
you'll be telling me
they're too small.

What about
school jackets?

You need
new jackets?

Everybody has them.

How much are they?

$150.

Geez, what a bargain.
We should all get one.

Do they make 'em
for dogs?

Can we just
talk about this later?

Okay, now I'm gonna take
a nice, cold shower.

And, oh, would you mind
taking out Fenno?

I think
he's gonna explode.

I'm already late.

Oh, hey, fine.
Just lock him
in your closet.

(KIDS CHATTERING)

(SCHOOL BELL RINGING)

Just this way,
Mrs. Bishop.

We've got a wonderful
bunch of kids here.

Of course,
they're normal,

so we have
our problems, too.

Well, that's why
I'm here.

You'll be dealing
with a lot of divorce.

Single parents,
kids caught in the middle
of grownup problems.

Here we are.
Here's your new office.

Just given it
a fresh coat of paint.

(CHUCKLES)

Yes, I can smell it.

It's one of
my favorite smells.

Yeah, me, too.
New beginnings
and all that.

Yeah. All that.

Well, I'm going
to let you set up
housekeeping.

Thank you.
Remember, my door
is always open.

Thanks.

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

Well, I can't predict
the future.

That's true.
I have been right
every time.

Okay, I'll put
the order through.

Great. I'll talk to you
after the market closes.

Hey, Chuck, buddy.
Pal.

Putz.
Moron.

Listen, much as
I hate to do it,

I gotta thank you
for that Forestal tip.

I got a lot of
very happy clients.

Good. I don't mind
sharing the wealth.

Good. I don't mind
returning the favor.

Here. Have a look at
this Merotan stuff.

Looks very interesting.

I'll give it a look.

Not plotting
a coup, are we?

No. Just trying
to make you more money.

Keep doin'
what you're doin'.

You were number one
in commissions
last quarter.

And we all know
how hard
you pushed for that.

No pain, no gain.

I don't know.
Jeremy makes it look
pretty painless.

He handled that
Ferenco offering
without one hitch.

I had a lot of fun
with that one.

Oh, come on.
Fun, my ass.

You put your dick
on the line
when it counted.

JEREMY: Yeah.
Listen, you guys,
I'm late for my 11:00,

so I'll see you
later, buddy.

Chuck, we had to
let Dexter go.

Oh, no.

It's harder these days
to get the job done,

and he wasn't
cuttin' it.

But the good news is
I'm gonna give
his accounts to you.

Great. You won't regret it.

Better not.

George Mullaney
is his heaviest hitter.

You'll meet him tonight.

Mmm-hmm.
I'll be ready for him.

Enough said.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

...wants to help you.
Help.

(CONTINUES SPEAKING SPANISH)

Oh, please.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

Hey.

Hey, if isn't
our man about town.

You know what I love
about this job?

What's that?

I get to go
to exotic places.

Like 942 West
142nd Street,

an address, I might add,
that no longer exists.

The exercise is great.

I climbed 23 flights
of condemned steps today.

You know what I'm saving
on a health club?

John, you are
an inspiration to us all.

You also got
an appointment waiting.

Oh, shit.

WOMAN: Mr. Petrovich?

PETROVICH:
Yes, yes, here, here.

Hey, Mr. Romero.
How you doin'?

You tell me.

How's that kitchen job
holding up?

It's bullshit.
They put me on
part-time.

They're screwing around
with my hours

so I can't watch the kids
when my wife works.

I'll call the manager again.
I'll talk to him personally.

Look, I need a real job.
Something with a future.

Stock options
and profit sharing.

I can't raise my kids
in an apartment.

We need a house
with a yard.

It doesn't
have to be fancy

as long as
the schools are decent
and the air is clean,

we'll pack up
and leave tomorrow.

Do you have
any jobs like that?

If I had one,
I'd take it myself.

Thank you, Joy.

I can't believe
I killed myself

to get back
from Washington

so we could watch
dirty movies,
and now you're telling me...

Honey, I told you about this
a million times.

It's very important
to Lucy.

Is Mad Dog gonna be there?

No, she's not.
She's working nights
this week.

If she was
gonna be there,

I wouldn't have
asked you to go.

Barbara, I need
some heads now.

And her name
is Madeleine.

A rose is a rose.

Listen, I am up to my ass
in alligators here.

You mean
I have to go alone?

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

IRIS: Hi.

I'm Iris Morden.
I'm president of
the Parents' Association.

Hi. I'm Nina Bishop.

I'm the new
school psychologist.

Oh, I thought
you looked a little young
to be a parent.

You look like
one of the kids.

I sort of feel like one.

Not that I don't think
I'm qualified or anything.

Oh, I didn't mean that.

I have two boys here.
Marty and Kenny.

Seventh, eighth grades.

Those are
very interesting ages.

Yes, interesting
is the right
choice of words.

Excuse me.
Is there a pay phone
around here?

The one in the lobby
is out of order.

Yeah, by the nurse's office,
third floor,
right through those doors.

Third floor?
Forget it.

Took me half an hour
to find a place to pee.

I ended up in
the little boys' room.
Oh.

I could've traumatized
some eight-year-old,
but I figured, fuck it.

You gotta go,
you gotta go. Right?

Absolutely.
Hi. I'm Iris Morden.

I'm president of
the Parents' Association.

This is Nina Bishop,
our school psychologist.

Hi.

Bet you're busy
in a place like this.

Oh.

I'm Claire Laurent.

Oh, I've been
looking for you.

Your daughter
put you down for
the refreshment committee.

Daughter? Good God!
Do I look
like a mother?

I don't know.
What do mothers
look like?

What I mean to say is
my husband's daughter
is a student here.

What grade is she in?

I don't know.

Oh. How old is she?

Twelve or thirteen.
She's a walking mass
of raging hormones.

But then,
aren't we all?

Well, I have
just the spot

to put those
raging hormones
to good use.

We need all the help
we can get.

CLAIRE: Help with what?
I'm sorry.

I don't quite understand.
I'm kind of filling in here.

Oh, I'm talking about
the Rainbow Festival.

The school pageant.
This year we're doing
a kind of '60s theme.

Okay, committees. Now...

Refreshment committee,
poster committee,

program committee,
decorations committee.

I'll do decorations.

Oh, great.
That's my committee.

School committees
are not my thing.

I do my best work
in the board room.

And the bedroom.

Well, it is
a school tradition.

Fine.
My husband will do it.

Husbands and wives,
it's a rule.

You don't understand.
I'm only the stepmother.

Oh, stepparents count.

If we didn't count
stepparents,

we'd have like, maybe,
four people show up.

I'll put you down
on the decorations committee
with us.

Don't worry about it,
really. It's fun.

Besides,
it's months away.

Months away? I haven't
the faintest fucking idea
what I'll be doing then.

I'm sure
you can fit it in.

And we should meet
maybe next Tuesday?

Here maybe?

Well, no.
Why don't you come
to my house?

And I'll cook supper
and we'll have
a meeting there.

Husbands, too.

Don't put yourself out.

That sounds great.
See you then.

It'll be great.

George Mullaney
has more money than God,

but he's tighter
than a duck's ass.

Hi.
Hi, Sharon.

This is major, Bishop.
Don't fuck it up.

Hey, George, I am so glad
that you could make it.

I told you about
Chuck Bishop,
our new V.P.

It's good
to meet you,
Mr. Mullaney.

So, you're the latest
lion-tamer.

(LAUGHS)

Well, I am fearless,
if that's what you mean.

JEREMY: Hey.

I just got off the phone
with the Japs. Bam!

They went for it.

Oh, I'm sorry.
I don't believe
we've met.

I'm Jeremy Brimfield,
young stud.

I'm George Mullaney,
old fart.

(MEN LAUGHING)

I will never be
as smooth as Jeremy.

He always says
the right thing.

He always
dresses perfectly.

Who cares?

He's just a lot
of hot air.

You're too hard
on yourself.

You need a diversion.

I don't have time
for a diversion.

You do
on Tuesday at 7:30.

We're having
a dinner party.

For who?

I met some people
at the meeting tonight.

We're doing
a school pageant
together.

Honey!
Honey, I can't.

I just can't. I have
too much work to do.

Well, I already
invited them.

Well...

Besides, I came here.

It's only fair
that we entertain
for my job.

You're right.

It'll be fun.

Oh, yeah,
it'll be a blast.

An evening
with a bunch of people
I don't even know.

We don't even know
these people.

I told you, she's the new
school psychologist

and the other couple
are parents.
Well, at least he is.

Do I have to
wear a tie?

You can go stark naked
for all I care.

Why are you being
so difficult?

Because I hate
small talk.

I'd rather stay home
and read a good book.

We never go anywhere.

All our friends
have left the city.
It's so boring.

I'm not bored.

Okay.

Say, "Thank you, Mother dear."
And eat your breakfast.

"Thank you, Mother dear.
And eat your breakfast."

(GASPS)
(MIMICKING KENNY)

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Scrambled eggs
and toast, Marty.
Pancakes are on the way.

What have you done
to your hair?

Nothing.

Then we must have
an electromagnetic field
in our hallway

because your hair
is standing on end.

I wore love beads.

Well, then,
let him wear love beads.

It's my hair.

The punk movement
glamorizes violence,

and this is
a nonviolent household.

Doesn't sound
very nonviolent to me.

I don't complain
about your hairdo.

There is nothing wrong
with my hairdo.

(LAUGHING)
Yeah, right.

(ALL LAUGHING)

What? Please.

Oh, I feel so fatherly.

Dinner with
school leaders.

Lucy's going to
love this.

I didn't love her
volunteering me
for that stupid committee.

Those women are
not exactly my type.

(MOANING)

You sure I can't talk you
into a romantic evening
at home, alone?

It's only going to be
for a couple of hours.
How bad can it be?

So you're from Iowa?

Uh, Iowa.

What's it like
in Iowa?

Oh, it's...

(CHUCKLING)
It's nice.

It's very small...

And it's friendly.

And it's very...

It's very...

Iowan?

(GIGGLES NERVOUSLY)
Yeah, I guess.

Hmm.

You know, a lot
of people think
Iowa is

more, you know...
It's further west
than it actually is.

Right.
That's true.

Oh?

I can't tell you
how grateful I am

that you've allowed us
to use your apartment
for this meeting.

Oh, yeah.
This is a real treat.

Oh, yes. Real.

NINA: So, Leo,
what do you do?

LEO: Me?
I manufacture toys.

Warm, cuddly ones.

Just like the owner.

Good old-fashioned
American dolls.

We make them
in Taiwan.

(LAUGHING)

I'm sorry
we don't have
more furniture.

We've got a lot
of stuff on order.

The table and
the chairs are a loan
from our decorator.

Oh, who are
you using?

Diego Carrera.

I hear he's very
high concept.

Would you call
our decorating
low concept?

I call it eclectic.

Chuck, did you know
Claire's in banking, too?

Oh, really?
I'm in stock portfolios.
Bonds and...

Who do you work for?

Arthur Everson.
Arthur?

Do you know him?

Of course.

Is he still married
to that bitch
with the lousy nose job?

(JOHN LAUGHING)

(LAUGHING)

So, John,
what do you do?

I'm in welfare.

NINA: Oh.

(BELL DINGS)

Oh, my cheese puffs!

I'll just
be back in a second.

I'll...
Excuse me.

Cheese puffs.

Hmm.

This is a disaster.
Whoo!

I had more fun
when I had
my wisdom teeth out.

No, no, then you had
laughing gas.

(CHUCKLING) Stop it!

Maybe Diego should
put in a trap door.

Maybe they'll
just go away.

Chuck!

Chuck, go play host.

(CAR ALARM BLARING)

Oh, God! Oh, God,
don't you hate that?

Welcome to the '90s.

Boy, I mean,
how inconsiderate
can you get?

I mean, some guy wakes up
the entire neighborhood

trying to protect
a stupid car.

Is it ours, honey?

No, I don't think so.

CHUCK: Cheese puffs.

Cheese puffs.

Watch your fingers.
They're hot.

(BLARING STOPS)

LEO: Boy, you guys have
a heck of a view here.

Mmm. Those must be
the 1,000 points of light
I've heard so much about.

Yeah, it's really
spectacular.

It looks like
a light show out of
the '60s, doesn't it?

I don't know.

I'm not exactly
an expert on the '60s.

NINA: Yeah,
we were born in '66.

IRIS: You were born in '66?

Yeah, so we don't
remember a whole lot.

God!
I remember everything.

Unfortunately, so do I.

Cheese puff?
No. No, thanks.

Cholesterol.

(CLAIRE COUGHS)

I just immediately assume
that anyone that was
even alive in the '60s

went to Woodstock
and wore love beads.

Oh, John went
to Woodstock.

Really?

Did you really?
Were you there?

I was there, yeah.

My mother wouldn't
allow me to go.

She didn't think
there would be
enough toilets.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Your mom was right.

Well, I have
a Jimi Hendrix album.
Does that count?

CLAIRE: You do?
Jimi always counts.

He was great.
Janis, Joe Cocker.

Yeah, but the best group
of the '60s by far,

very obscure,
urban shit kickers,

Willy and the Saddlesores.

John.
You're kidding.

CHUCK: Willy and
the Saddlesores?

Very much
an anti-war slant.

John.

Willy and
the Saddlesores?

♪ I wish the bombs
were cow dung Frisbees

♪ I wish the bullets
were made of straw

♪ I wish soldiers
trained on whiskey

LEO: ♪ And war
was against the law
♪ Against the law

♪ So put out my
"do not disturb" sign

♪ Put my boots
beside my bed

♪ Wake me
when it's over

♪ Ain't no sleepin'
when you're dead
♪ When you're dead

BOTH: ♪ So when the old
mother lovers on the earth

♪ Fight their battles
on their own

♪ And we'll all party
for all we're worth

♪ Flipping Nixon
the big old bone ♪

BOTH: Yes!

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Tricky Dicks. '68, '69.
Queens Boulevard.

Unbelievable!
You were there?

Do you... The waitress.
I know what you were...

The waitress.
The waitress. The waitress.

Yeah.
Hair down to here.

With the tattoo.
With the tattoo.

What did the tattoo say?
What was her name?

What did it say
on the tattoo?
What was it?

"I take no prisoners."

She's right.
You're right.

You knew her?

We didn't exactly meet.

(CHUCKLING) I knew her.

(BOTH WHISPERING)

Those... Those days
are long gone now,
I tell you.

You know, it's time...
You gotta get past,
you know...

Tattoos?

Tattoos and,
you know...

You grow up.
I grew up.
I got a job.

Makin' toys.
Makin' toys, yeah.
That's right.

Keeping in mind
that our theme
is the '60s,

let's start with
decorations.

Yeah, I could use
some suggestions.

Claire?
Okay.

Any suggestions?

Come on.

Okay, what do we do...
We decorate
the auditorium

with, what, like
war protest signs?

That's a colorful idea.

War pro...
I mean...

Yeah.

What about...
Why the worst times?

Why don't we...
Why not the best?

Best day
of the '60s.

Best day
of the '60s.
No contest.

October 16, 1969.

Bottom of the ninth,
Davey Johnson batting
for the Orioles.

Baseball.
Baseball.

He lines one to left.
He lines one...

MEN: Back, back,
back, back, back,
back, back.

No, no, no, no,
Cleon Jones
is under it!

MEN: And the Mets
have won the World Series!

(OVERLAPPING CHATTER)

Time out,
time out.

Come on,
come on, come on,
come on, come on.

I got a piece
of baseball trivia
for you.

Okay, which famous
world leader

once tried out
for the Washington Senators?

George Bush.

Wrong.

Uh... Eisenhower.

Eisenhower.

No, I did not say
it had to be
an American leader.

Fidel Castro.

Fidel...
LEO: That's right.

Is she right?
That is right.

No! How did you know that?
On the nosey.

Very good.

NINA: You're kidding.
That's right?

Yeah. I still have
a few tricks up my sleeve.

Well, back to business.

Yeah. Great idea.

I hate to bring it up.

I'm sure
you're wondering.

Can I... I just wanna
go check the score.
No.

I know.
I'm not gonna watch.

I'm just gonna...
Look at the score.

Okay. Bye.
See you tomorrow.

The Mets are...
The Mets are
a half game out.

Where are you going?
(STUTTERING) It's right here.

IRIS: John?
CHUCK: They got a man
on second.

(COMMENTATOR CHATTERING ON TV)

Oh, work with me, John.

I'm workin' with you.

I have to go
to the bathroom.

Well, meeting adjourned.

What is this?
Some weird genetic encoding.

They get the baseball,
we get the dishes?

(CHUCKLING) Yeah.
Oh, what's the worst day
of the year?

Super Bowl Sunday.

Right.

Or World Series...

LEO: Two weeks from today,
our house.

CLAIRE: (SHOUTING)
He'll do the cooking!

Fine with me.

Great.

LUCY: Bye!
CLAIRE: Bye!

Hold it, sweetheart.
I want to go up with you.

I want to
talk to your mother.

She's not home.

(STUTTERING)
What do you mean
she's not?

You're walking into
an empty apartment?

I do every day.

Oh, you do, do you?
Yes.

Well, why didn't you
tell me? I really...

Speak of the devil.

Okay, sweetheart.

You wait here.
I want to talk
to your mother, okay?

Then talk to her.

Madeleine.
What do you want, Leo?

Madeleine, I was hoping
that maybe we could
switch weekends.

Oh, Leo!
Come on, I have
a business thing.

A business thing?

What million-dollar
scheme is it this time?

A talking jump-rope,
a battery-operated
hula-hoop?

Madeleine...
Lucy, would you go
upstairs please?

MADELEINE: Lucy,
do whatever you want.

You think
you can be a father
at your convenience.

Well, it's not
that easy, Leo.

Look, I'm doing the best
that I can, okay?

I love this kid more
than I love breathing.

So, don't you even
insinuate that I'm not
a good father, okay?

Your child was
about to walk into
an empty apartment.

Lucy, go upstairs.
No, you stay right here.

I've bust my ass
providing for everything
my child needs.

Like tuition to that
fancy private school.

Like tuition to that
fancy private school.

That's right.
It's the best school
in the city.

But, you can't
afford it, Leo!

Who are you trying
to impress?

Some rich bitch
socialite princess?

LEO: I'm not trying to
impress anybody, okay?

What I really want to
give her, I cannot.

Which is a mother
and a father in love

living under
the same roof.

So, I buy her things
instead, okay?

Your jealousy
is quite unbecoming.

Jealousy?
Yes.

Is that
what you think this is?
Yes.

Try anger.

Try rage. Try disgust.

Come on, Lucy.
Lucy...

Congratulate me.

Everson's sending me
to close the London deal.

How come you're going?

Come on, Chuck,
buddy, pal.

You have got to
scrape the cow dung
off your shoes

and get with
the program.

Aardvark.

(DOOR CLOSES)

Charles Bishop for
George Mullaney, please.

Mr. Mullaney,
it's Chuck Bishop.

(LAUGHING)

Right, the new lion-tamer.

Mr. Mullaney,
how's about we make
some money together today?

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

Come in.

Miss Foster sent me here
because she hates me.

Did she...
Did she say that?

She didn't have to.
I can tell.

How can you tell?

Because she treats me
like my bitch stepmother.

How... How's that?

(SIGHS)

She treats me like
I'm not even there.

Or like I'm only there
when it's convenient for her.

Like I'm a dog
or something.

How do you treat
your stepmother?

I don't treat her
like anything. I hate her.

Right.
That makes sense.

What does your father
think about all that?

He thinks
it's just a stage
I'm going through.

I guess he just can't admit
this is actually
my personality.

(CLEARS THROAT)

(CHUCKLING)

MAN: New York City Events.
Yeah.

IRIS: Yeah.
Well, Frankie, that's all
very well and good.

But I have to get
those bleachers down
by Tuesday,

because they got to
be up in Staten Island
by Wednesday.

Yeah?

Can't you get someone
to donate a truck
or something?

Okay, all right.
Now, look, I'll see
what I can do. Okay?

I'll call you back.
Bye.

Read it and weep.

No six months' reviews.

No raises.

No bonuses? Oh, God.

Sorry, bubeleh.

Our neighbors
would rather have
air-conditioned subways.

What about
the quality of life?

I mean, where would
the city be

without its theaters,
its ballets, its museums.

Hey, hey, hey,
you don't have to
convince me.

But you can't get
blood from a turnip.

IRIS: John, we've talked
about this.

We've agreed that
the most valuable investment
we can make

is in the education
of our children.

Bullshit.

You're fooling
yourself, Iris.

You can't get blood
from a stone.

Yeah? Well, you can't
get it from
a turnip either.

We're at the end
of the line here.

I think we should
discuss tuition.

That is not
negotiable.

Well, lots of kids
go to public school.

Yeah, well, lots of kids
have hand guns, too.

(EXHALES)

You're sounding
very elitist.

Whatever happened
to changing the system
from within?

That was for us.
We're talking about
our children here.

Well, maybe our children
should have
a more realistic view

of life in the big city.

I'm innocent!
Do you hear?

I'm old Pop Corn!

I... I'm a Colonel.
You can't do this to me!

IRIS: John, even
you have to admit

that Brampton has
the best science department
in the city.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Hear they got the best
athletic fields, too.
Yeah.

So, boys,
how's school today?

BOTH: Okay.

Yeah? Well, what are
you studying now?

Mot much.

(SIGHS) Could you be
a little more specific?

I think if you really think
hard enough...

Well, in history class,
we're studying the '60s.

You're studying the '60s
in history?

You mean I'm that old?

Well, I told my teacher
that you were at Woodstock.
She freaked out.

You were like
a total hippie,
right, Dad?

Oh, total.

George Washington and I
used to hang around
the village together.

God, you remember
the Fillmore?
I wish they'd reopen it.

Hey, your mother
was a hippie, too.

Did you guys
ever drop acid?

Never.

We never took drugs
in our lives.

What a pretty
neighborhood.

CHUCK: Claire can
afford the best.

NINA: Hmm.

There's John and Iris.

(RINGS DOORBELL)

Hey!

You beat us.

We already tried
downstairs.

So, now we're gonna
try upstairs.

Hello.

You must be
Leo's daughter.

CLAIRE: Lucy dear,
bring our guests inside.

Hi.
Hi.

This is lovely.

JOHN: Sure isn't
rent-controlled.

LEO: Hello.

Hi.
Hi.

Hello. How are you?
Hi.

Welcome, welcome.
Hi.

Ah-ha,
the guest of honor.

It's rhubarb custard.
I hope it goes.

CLAIRE: Come in, everybody.

It goes with everything.
Don't worry about it.

Lucy, you wanna
lead the way?

Did everybody
meet Lucy,
my daughter?

This is John and Iris Morden.
JOHN: Hi, Lucy.

And that's Chuck
and Nina Bishop.

You know Nina works
at your school?

Um, no.

There you are. Welcome.
Welcome, everyone.

Lucy love, take the pie
to the kitchen.

Come in, come in.

Oh.

I didn't know
they had fireplaces
in New York.

This barn has seven.
That's why I bought it.

I was going
for chateau.

But next time.

I think I'll have to have
a penthouse on the river,
all black and white.

You know, Fred Astaire
meets Aubrey Beardsley.

How could you ever
leave this place?
Really.

I'm not
married to it.

It's just a place
to hang your hat.

I hope everybody
is hungry.

The round ones
are lobster

and the triangles
are crabmeat.

Oh, I haven't had
lobster in ages.
Thank you.

Leo, you're brilliant.
This is great.

Mmm. You've got
real talent, Leo.

Oh. Sorry.

Oh, I helped, too,
didn't I, honey?

I minced, I chopped.

And you whisked.

You're a wizard
with a whisk.

Yes, well,
it is all in the wrist.

(CHUCKLING)

(MEN LAUGHING)

Um, what is this?

Oh, that's potato koogla.

Kugel.

Kugel.

Leo's mother's
giving me
cooking lessons.

But, everyone, please,
let's sit down.

We have two
Italian wines.

I like the white,
but Leo thinks
it tastes like piss,

so there's red, too.

Lucy darling,
come sit by me.

I'm not hungry.

LEO: You're not hungry?
I made all your favorites.

You're not getting
sick, are you?

Um, yeah, I am.

My stomach hurts and...

Maybe you should
go lay down.
Okay!

Wanna go upstairs?
Lucy.

I'll be up in a minute
to tuck you in.

Lucy. Say good night
to everybody.

Good night, everybody.

Good night.
ALL: Good night.

JOHN: Good night.

She's adorable, Leo.
She looks just like you.

Thank you.

She's his pride and joy.
She's a delight.

It's nice
you get along so well.

This is a great
fabric, Claire.
Yeah.

How did you ever
decide?

Diego sends Nina
20 swatches a day.

None of them look like this.
No.

Just don't get
anything nubby.

Nubby.

CLAIRE: Nothing nubby.

(ALL LAUGHING)

No, seriously,
I met Claire
crossing the street.

Seriously. He was
crossing the street.
I was in my car.

And I almost
ran over him.

My divorce papers
came through that day,
you know.

Not that
I wasn't happy.

It's just...
It was kind of,
you know...

An emotional day
for me.

So, here's this
very attractive man
in a well-cut suit,

crossing the street crying.
He didn't see the light.

I slammed
my brakes on so hard,
my airbag went off.

Yeah.

(LAUGHING)

So, I hear
these brakes squeal,
I look up.

For a split second,
I see this Shiksa goddess
in the car.

The next thing I know,
there's a big balloon
in front of her.

You pulled
the car over.

I was shaking, he was crying.
You know...

But here's the most
amazing thing.

There was a parking meter
right there.

Do you believe that?

In New York.
Oh.

LEO: A sign from God.

So, we went,
we had a drink
to settle our nerves.

So, we got married.

And then we got married.
What else do you do?

Well, sort of, you know.

Well, we found
a parking spot together.
First, yeah.

First, we got
the parking spot.
So, yeah.

So, I marry anybody
that, you know,
had a parking spot.

Yeah.

We met in a barn.
No.

Call of the wild?
(HOWLS)

It was in 4-H camp.
Yeah.

Well, they start
early in Iowa.

Well, yeah.
Technically, we did have
our first date

when we were eight years old.
Eight years old.

I assume you didn't
go all the way.

(LAUGHING) Hardly.

I didn't even like him then.
Mmm-hmm.

He thought
he was so cool.

I had
a crush on her.

I called you
Stuck-up Chuck.

Oh, you didn't pull
any punches, did you?

The kids used to
hang around this barn
at 4-H camp.

And we'd walk
down there and...

(WHISPERING)
You're not gonna
tell them. Don't.

We'd watch and we'd wait
for the animals to do it.

Don't! Oh, God!
Isn't it true?

Amazing.

And then
we started dating.

That's a great story.

Gross.

How'd you guys meet?
BOTH: Yeah, how'd you meet?

No.
No.

Come on, come on.
Yeah.

Well... Hey...
John and I
met in jail.

What?

(JOHN AND IRIS LAUGHING)

End of story.

No, come on,
we have to tell 'em.

After all,
they told us.

Well, see, there was
this student protest
going on.

Hey.

Skip the gory details,
will you?

Well, I mean,
it's the truth.
It's the truth.

So, anyway,
I go down there
and it's a great place.

You can meet other people
and end the war
at the same time.

And I happened to be
in the right place
at the right time.

Yeah, paddy wagon.

(PHONE RINGING)

Oh, I'll get it, honey.

Saved by the bell.

Sounds romantic.
It was.

Tear gassed together
and everything.

Will you stop it?

He hates it when
I tell this story.

Leo, it's Mad Dog.

Mad Dog?
LEO: Tell her
I'll call her back.

CLAIRE: No.

Excuse me.

Ease up, Claire.

I won't ease up.

She has the telephone
etiquette of a mad dog.

Lucy's wonderful,
but her mother's impossible.

She calls,
I say "hello."

She says, "Is he there?"

Like I don't exist
or like I'm a servant
or something.

Red or white?

I'll stick with the piss.

(LAUGHS)

(SIGHS)

I hope you told her
to get a B-12 shot.

She doesn't play doctor
as well as you do.

(LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY)

NINA: You know what?

We haven't even
talked about the festival.

Don't you think we should
talk about the festival?
Oh, honey.

Absolutely right.
No, just relax.

Will you relax?
No, we have to get
some work done.

Why don't we just
get together next week?

Yeah, that would be okay.

Oh, great. Great.

Next week, same time,
your place.

IRIS: We only have
one bathroom.

And our furniture,
it's so nubby.

JOHN: You're right,
you really
should redecorate.

Let's see.
Claire and Leo
did chateau.

Yeah.
I know! Let's do ski lodge!

Very, very funny.

We'll bring in
artificial snow.
It'll be fabulous.

Oh, God,
that couch of ours
is 15 years old!

It keeps my butt
off the floor when
I watch the news, Iris.

You can't ask
for more than that.

You know,
sometimes I just think
you enjoy torturing me!

You're torturing
yourself!

Cancel the damn
dinner already.

We got enough mouths
to feed.

Will you stop playing
devil's advocate?

For once just
be my advocate.

I just want them
to like us.

Who cares if they like us?
You're being neurotic.

Oh, well,
if I'm neurotic,
you're antisocial.

I'd say that
describes us
perfectly.

Oh, please,
I don't want to
hear anymore.

I just don't want to
talk to you anymore.

I don't care.
I'm antisocial,
remember?

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

What the hell
were you doing
at my father's house?

Lucy, I'm sorry.

I had no idea
Leo and Claire
were your parents.

Leo's my father!
Claire isn't anything!

She doesn't care
about me.

You saw
what a bitch she is.

I saw two people
having a hard time
relating to each other.

Two people?

(SIGHS) You mean
you think it's my fault.

No.

You know, people can't
always react the way
you want them to

or need them to.

Sometimes they get busy
or distracted

and you need to
make a special effort.

You gotta try a little
to make a difference.

Forget it.

Lucy, nobody's perfect.

Look, maybe you could
help Claire.

Yeah, think of something
that the two of you
could do together.

Something fun,
you know.

Something you'd enjoy, too.

Can you think
of anything?

I don't know.

Try meeting her halfway.

She might surprise you.

Okay?

Okay, Lucy,
what do you say?

What do you
wanna do tonight?

I have a fabulous idea,
okay?

We get all dressed up,
go to some really
fancy restaurant

and just order
desserts for dinner.

Oh, that's all
I need.

Well, what about this?

We eat a lot
of desserts

and then make ourselves
throw up.

Ooh! That's a good idea!

I like that.
I've got it.

Let's go roller-skating.

There's that new place
down in Soho.

It's a private club,
but I'm sure
I can get us in.

Doesn't open
till 11:00 though.

I hate roller-skating.

Okay, how about
we just go home, huh?

Good movie
on the tube tonight.

Fine.

If you two are hungry,
why don't you
order something?

I'll just make
an espresso.

Lucy, the sleeves on this
are a little short.

Would you like
to have it?

I hate red.
Only tramps
wear red.

Then why don't you give
it to your mother?

Why don't you give it
to your maid?

She's a Communist.
She doesn't wear leather.

Showtime,
90 seconds.

I'll call the couch.

You coming?

Any other child would kill
to have that jacket.

And would be thrilled
to go roller-skating.

I can't reach her.

And she's got you
in the palm of her hand.

She's 13 years old.

I want 5,000
at three-quarters. No!

No, the bid's at
five-eights,
seven-eights.

I... I want it.

(KNOCK AT DOOR)
Great.

Charles Bishop?

Yes, sir.
What can I do for you?

You can come with us.
You're under arrest.

Stand up, please,
Mr. Bishop.

Leo!

What?
Look at this.

(PHONE RINGING)

Hello?

Yes, I've seen it.
I haven't read it yet.

Oh, it says here he was
taken away in handcuffs.

Thank God
he's out on bail.

What did they
get him on?

Stock parking.
Stock parking?

Stock parking.
You're kidding!

It says he masterminded
the whole thing.

Listen, I can't listen
to both of you.
He was buying back stock.

I'll call you right back
as soon as I've read it.

Oh, okay, okay.
Listen, I'm gonna call Nina.

Okay? Bye.

(GRUNTS)

It's busy.

Why don't
you eat your breakfast
and forget about it?

Chuck is led away in chains,
you want me to
forget about it?

That's what happens
when you break the law.

You mean
you think he's guilty?

I didn't say that.
I haven't heard
all the evidence yet.

Oh, well, what are you,
Oliver Wendell Holmes?

I believe in
due process of law.

Oh, yeah?
Well, I believe in
standing by your friends.

You hardly
know the man.

Yeah? Well, I know
all I need to know.

(DIALING)

(GRUNTS)

Terrible picture of Nina.
Talk about yellow journalism.

(SIGHS)

Think he did it?

Oh, I don't know, Leo.
We all have our price.

And it's usually
not too high.

The price you pay
for stock parking is high.

Bishop could receive
heavy fines
and imprisonment

for violating the SEC's rules

that a purchase of over
five percent of a company
must be disclosed.

The defendant is charged
with organizing
a network of...

Why are they picking on you?
You haven't
even been convicted yet.

Do you think I'm capable
of committing a crime?

Oh, no, sweetie, no.

But they do.

(MUFFLED) Oh, my God!
It's on TV!

Oh, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean it that way.

All I meant was
you have to remain calm.

(RINGS)
(GROANS)

Leave us alone!

Oh, Nina.
Oh, come on.

Honey, you just must be
going through hell,
you poor thing!

Oh, you could
say that, yeah.

Well, oh, listen,
I just called to say
is there anything we could do?

I mean anything at all.
I mean we're all
in this together.

Thanks, I appreciate it.
But I've got to go.

Oh, no. I understand.
Now I want you to
call me anytime. I mean it.

Four o'clock in the morning,
wake me up, I don't care.

I do.

Okay, well, bye.

(SIGHS)
She feels sorry for me.

I hate it when people
feel sorry for me.

Jesus.
What if he is guilty?

(VIDEO GAME BLEEPING)

Okay, now.
What?

This... Okay,
you're gonna
go to work...

(PHONE RINGING)

I'm not gonna
go to work.

You're gonna
go to work
and I'm...

I mean, by the time
you get home from work

I'm gonna have
this whole mess
straightened out.

(RINGING CONTINUES)

Hi.

Mr. Carrera wants us
to pick up
six chairs and a table.

(STUTTERS)

Excuse me.
There must be
a mistake.

I'm just gonna
call him, okay?

Uh, hello.
Diego Carrera, please.

This is Nina Bishop.

Yes, Mrs. Charles Bishop.

I need to talk to him.
It's really important.

I got his signature.
I just need yours. Here.

They're taking
my furniture.

Oh. Thanks a lot.

(SIGHING)

Hey, have a nice day.

Thank you.

CHUCK: Jeremy!

Hey, hey. Jeremy.

What's going on?
I can't even get
Petersen on the phone.

Under advice of counsel,
I am unable
to discuss the case.

You gave me that tip.

I gave you
dozens of tips.

But I never told you
to break the law.

You did that
on your own.

I didn't.
Come on, Jeremy,
just talk to me.

I'm trying
to figure this out.

Jeremy!

I thought
we were friends.

(SCOFFS) Guys like you,
you don't need friends.
You need lawyers.

I had a client
who did the same thing
you did.

We'll plea-bargain
down to a lesser charge.
Maybe a fine.

(LAUGHING)
Wait a second.

I didn't do anything.

Of course you didn't.

(CHILDREN CHATTERING)

MAN: No, band practice
is downstairs today.

Band practice
is downstairs.

Thought we had
an appointment
last week.

Look, your advice sucks.

I tried to be nice to Claire,
but she wasn't interested.

How'd that
make you feel?

Oh, cut the shrink crap.

Why can't you admit
that sometimes it doesn't
matter how hard you try?

Some people
just aren't worth it.

I need a $25,000 retainer,
and I can guarantee
you never go to trial.

(SIGHS) No,
I want to go to trial.

I'm not afraid
to go to trial.

Look, Charles...
Can I call you Charlie?

I wish you wouldn't.

Mom, I'm starving.

Did you empty
the wastebaskets?

You owe me 50 cents,
but I think I deserve
a cost of living raise.

Absolutely.
You'll get one
when I get one.

What's with
the furniture?

Yeah, well, I thought
it made the room
look bigger.

Yeah, for a second there,
I thought
I was in the astrodome.

Mom?
Yeah.

When are we
gonna eat?

Well, you guys
can eat now.

Your father and I
are having
a dinner party.

Oh, shit, that's tonight?
Can't we get out of it?

They're our friends.
We can't get out of it.

What friends?

Actually, you sort of
know one couple.

Their daughter,
well, his daughter
goes to Brampton.

Her name
is Lucy Rothenberg.

Lucy Rothenberg
is coming here tonight?

Oh, so you do know her.

Know her?
He loves her.

I do not.
I hate her guts.
She's a total bitch.

Hey, watch
that vocabulary.

Well, she's not coming,
her father is. Here,
give me a hand with this.

What if her father
sees this place?

Then he'll know we're poor.
My life is ruined.

Trust me. Your life
will get much worse.

In last year's spelling bee,
I finished in third place,

and I'm also interested
in political sciences

like my father
was before me.

I'm named after
Martin Luther King, Jr.

And my brother Kenny,
he was named after
the Kennedys in general.

Don't you guys
have homework to do?
Come on, let's go.

Come on.
Dad, come on.

Come on, come on,
come on, come on.

How's Chuck
holding up?

Oh, he's fine.

He's really fine.

We're fine.
We're really fine.

Is there anything
I can do?

Oh, check on
what's burning.

Something in the kitchen...
What?

(GASPS) Oh, excuse me.
Oh, my goodness. John!

John!
What the hell is it?

I know you didn't
do it, Chuck.
I didn't do it.

I know you didn't.
You know I didn't?

Yes, I do.
How do you know that?

Because you told me
you didn't do it.

No, I knew
you didn't do it

before you told me
you didn't do it.

You did?
Yes, I did.

I didn't do it.
I know you didn't, Chuck.

Thank you. Thank you
for knowing that.

Geez, he looks
like shit.

What'd you expect him
to look like?

Bad, but not like shit.

Nina doesn't look
so hot herself.

She looks bad,
but not like shit.
He looks like shit.

What you really need,
what you really need
is a good lawyer.

(SIGHING) Good lawyer?
Now, that's an oxymoron
for you.

I didn't
do it, John.

I know you didn't.
I didn't do it.

I know
you didn't do it.

He didn't do it.

I know.

I hope you don't
mind my asking.

But are you guys
okay for money?

Sure.

Because if I can help...

(CHUCKLES)

Don't cry.

I won't.

Don't cry.

I won't.

(CRYING)

Too late.

I'm sorry.

I guess I'd make these
offers more often

if people didn't
keep going wet on me.

Thanks.

Silly.

So what do you think?

Did he do it?

I don't know.
What do you think?

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

I think maybe.

I think maybe, too.

...that they can
get you off.

Right. Yeah.

(CHATTERING CONTINUES)

The important thing
is not to give up.

Well, I'm trying
not to.

You guys have all
been so wonderful.

Helpful and
supportive.

Oh, come on.
What are friends for?

JOHN: Very original, Iris.

Oh, God,
she's gonna cry again.

(SIGHS) I am not.

It's moments like these
when I really miss the '60s.

This is a perfect time
for recreational drugs.

Hmm?

CHUCK: (CHUCKLES)
I smoked pot
once in my life.

I heaved all over
my friend Eddie.

Well, drugs are an escape
you don't need.

As long as you have
a good lawyer.

Ah! I don't think
there is such a thing.

What about
Sol Chamberlain?

Forget it.
Who's Sol Chamberlain?

He's a brilliant lawyer
who happens to be
a very dear friend of ours.

Who we haven't
seen for years!

IRIS: Well, he's
a brilliant lawyer!

Yeah, he defends
the oppressed.

Widows and orphans.

Yuppies rights
aren't exactly
Sol's cup of tea.

I thought we were
all created equal.

Chuck's right.
Yuppies are
people, too.

Well, put that
on a T-shirt, Iris.

They'll sell like hotcakes
down on Wall Street.

Be cool, John.

Here's his number.

Everybody's innocent.
Innocence isn't worth shit.

What matters is
who the judge is.

If he's getting laid,

if he's got hemorrhoids from
sitting in that hard chair
all these years,

a lot of variables.

But that's not fair.

You vote for Reagan?

Yes, sir.
He had a very strong
foreign policy,

created a healthy economy.

Oh.

Look, the point is,
I haven't broken any laws.

There's a difference
between the law and justice.

A guy doesn't
pay his rent.

He gets evicted.

That's the law.

But if he didn't
pay his rent

because he doesn't have
the education
to get a decent job

so that
he could earn the money,

or didn't have
a family where
there was a role model

to give him that self-esteem
that he needs to just function
in this society.

Is that justice?

Look, are you gonna
represent me or not?

They're gonna audit
your taxes.

They're gonna go over
your credit cards.

They're gonna examine
your phone bill.

They're gonna subpoena
your high school yearbook

to see if you've got any
subversive autographs.

No, that's all fine.

But you believe
I'm not guilty.

Mr. Bishop, if you were
smart enough to be guilty,

you sure as hell
wouldn't hire me.

I'm glad that
Mr. Chamberlain's nice.

I don't want
a nice lawyer, honey.
I want a nice dentist.

But mean lawyers
are too expensive.
Even this guy's not free.

Well, Daddy always said
you gotta spend money
to make money.

That's great, honey.
Your father never made
a penny in his life.

(EXHALING)
I know.

Speaking of money.

(HESITANTLY)
I was thinking that

until we get
this whole mess
straightened out,

that I should start
seeing private patients.

(SIGHS)

I put my name
on a referral list
and I've...

I've already
got some calls.

I don't want you
working overtime.

Chuck, we can hardly
pay the electric bill.

I've already cut back
as much as I can on groceries
and dry-cleaning.

Anyway, kind of nice
to have my own
private patients here.

Here?
Nina, look at this place.
You can't have people here.

Iris is gonna help me
fix it up.

IRIS: Where?
NINA: Right here.

Right here?
Right here.

Right here?
Yes.

Ugh!

Iris! Iris!

Iris!
Oh, be careful.

You see anything good?

A door.

A door?

What do we need
a door for?

Your desk.

All we need now
is a couple of sawhorses.

Look at her. She thinks
she's in Bloomingdale's.

Ah!

Thanks, guys.

Take care, ma'am.

(LAUGHING)
You crazy driver.

(CLAIRE HOOTS)

I dated
a construction worker
once.

Yeah?
Yeah.

(GIGGLES)

He had these
fabulously tanned arms.

But when he took
his T-shirt off,
he was pure white.

Fortunately,
his purity ended there.

(CHUCKLES)
I can't imagine you with
a construction worker.

Well, that was during
my experimental phase.

(SIGHING)
I was just out of grad school.
I had a few bucks.

It was like there was no limit
to what you could do.

Everything was freer,
exciting,
full of possibilities.

Remember those days, Iris?

Vaguely.

There were men
everywhere.

'Course, that was before
the days of safe sex

and Dalkon Shield
class action suit.

Back then, it was easier
to fuck somebody

than to explain
why you didn't feel like it.

(SIGHS) Well, maybe
I'm too romantic.

But I like being
with just Chuck.

Oh, there's nothing
like monogamy.

Oh, I agree completely.
That was then, this is now.

This is the way
it's supposed to be.

Absolutely.

Absolutely.

(MOANING)

(GRUNTING)

(BOTH MOANING)

(DOOR BANGING)
(BOYS CHATTERING)

KENNY:
Hey, you snot hair!

MARTY: There's no such thing
as a snot hair, you dork.

Okay, come on, come on.

KENNY: I'm telling
Mom! Scumface!

MARTY: Go ahead,
dogbreath.

(DOG BARKING)

KENNY: I'm sorry
you were even born.

MARTY:
Well, I was born first.

(MOANING LOUDLY)

Ooh!

(BOTH PANTING)

Shit.

(CHUCKLES)

Who'd have thought
you could make all that

with just a couple
of bedsheets.

Yeah.
Iris is a genius.

I thought
Mom's sewing machine
was gonna give out.

I had such a hard time
with the gathering
at the top.

Nina, it looks great.
How many times
do I have to tell you?

Well, I'm glad
I finished in time
for my first private patient.

Should be here in,
oh God, 10 minutes!

What are you gonna do?

I have to research
these security fraud cases
Sol gave me.

I don't... I don't think
it'll do any good, but...

Chuck, this is supposed
to be my office.

Can't you read in the park,
or coffee shop, or...
It's only for an hour.

I have to leave?

(SIGHS)
Well, we need privacy.

You can't stay here.
I mean, we can't work
in the bathroom.

It's $75 an hour.
And we can't live
on my salary.

Oh, thank you,
yes, thank you.
I'm a dead beat.

Why don't you...
Have you told the neighbors?

(PHONE BUZZING)

Hi.

Can you... Can you have her...
Just hold on a second, please.

Chuck.

This is great.
This is really supportive.

As if I don't have
enough to worry about.

Now my own wife
is throwing me
out of my own house.

Come on!

(DOOR SLAMMING)

Hi. Send her up,
please. Thanks.

(CHILDREN PLAYING)

Quiet! Class! Class!

Today we are very fortunate
to have someone who was
an eyewitness to history.

Someone who actually
attended Woodstock.

Mr. John Morden.

(CLEARING THROAT)

No applause, please.
(CHUCKLES).

What is this?

JOHN: I thought
I'd start today

by having you
ask me some questions.

I know
that's usually saved
for the end,

but the whole idea
of Woodstock was
to change the rules, right?

So...

Come on.

Anybody.
Don't be shy.

Mr. Morden, did all
the girls go topless?

(ALL LAUGHING)

Hey.

Yeah, some of them did.
It was pretty warm.

Did everyone take drugs?

Mmm-hmm.

Yeah. Some of them did.

Some people did.

(STUTTERING)
But you know...

I think you guys
have the wrong idea
about Woodstock.

Or at least you have
just a partial idea
of the whole thing.

See, Woodstock wasn't
just a big, giant party.

I mean, you have to remember
that this country
was at war then.

An unjust war
that was being run
by a psychopathic maniac

who was manipulating
the Vietnamese people

because of his own
twisted macho idea
of what America should be.

On the weekend
of the Woodstock festival,

there was
over 500,000 troops
in Vietnam.

And most of these
were poor minorities

because they didn't have
rich fathers to buy
their way out of the draft.

Excuse me, Mr. Morden.
Eh? Oh, sorry.

We were hoping that
you would emphasize,
shall we say,

the more
sociological aspects
of Woodstock.

You know, the music,
the idea of tie-dye
as folk art.

Oh, oh, all that was
just a reaction
to the political climate.

I mean Nixon was totally
off his rocker!

I'm talking paranoid
schizophrenic!

Mr. Morden?
Okay?

We are covering this
historical confrontation
in my class.

Yeah, sorry.

Why don't you share with us
some of your
personal experiences?

Perhaps a humorous anecdote.

Well, there's nothing humorous
about watching body bags
lined up on the 6:00 news.

I mean, if your choice
of role models

is between Richard Nixon
and Jimi Hendrix,

it's not a difficult
decision to make.

Our country
was bombing
hospitals, okay?

Thank you, Mr. Morden.
I think that...

And I think you should
give these kids the truth!

Not some
watered-down version
of revisionist history.

Mr. Morden, look,
this is my classroom

and I think that
you should leave!
Please?

He went crazy, Mom,
you should've seen the guy.

I mean, it's like
he had an acid flashback.

That's funny.
That's very funny.

Everybody's
talking about him,

even the kids
that weren't there.

You guys are getting
so excited.
Just calm down.

You know your dad.
He gets a little bit
carried away

when he cares
about something.

He'll be home in a minute
and we can all talk about...

Come on, Mom.
I mean, the guy...

Oh, look, look.
He's here,
he's here now.

Come on.
Let's go talk to him.

Let's go, come on.
Come on, Fenno,
let's all talk to him.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi, Dad.

Dinner in 20 minutes.
Turkey Parmesan.

Oh, go ahead,
eat without me.

I'm pretty tired.
I'm gonna lie down.

Sure.

NEWSCASTER: New evidence
in the Merotan
stock parking case today,

appears to be bad news
for defendant, Charles Bishop.

Prosecutors revealed
that only days before
his indictment,

Bishop purchased
two first-class tickets
to Geneva

and they are pressuring
Swiss authorities

to determine
if Bishop had set up
a numbered bank account

where he could hide profits
from the alleged scam.

(TURNS OFF TV)

Didn't you
hear that?

It was bound
to come out
sooner or later.

I told Sol.

Why didn't
you tell me?

Look, this case
is very complicated.

(STUTTERING) I can't
remember to explain
every detail to you.

Chuck...

I bought those tickets,
it was an anniversary present.

It was supposed to
be a surprise.

I don't want surprises.

Chuck, it's... It's only fair
you tell me what's going on.

You haven't told me anything.
It's like I'm not even here.

Nina, please stop it!

I'm just trying
to protect you!

Right.

This isn't going to work.
You're changing the terms.

You're absolutely
right, Charles.

I am changing
the terms
and here's why.

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

Excuse me, Miss Laurent,
it's your husband.
He said it's urgent.

Excuse me, gentlemen.

Leo, what is it?

Listen, I was supposed to
pick up Lucy 10 minutes ago.

I've got some buyers here
that are inches away
from a major sale.

No problem. That way she can
spend some more quality time
with her biological mother.

I've gotta go.
She's not at home.

She's at her
friend, Tiffany's,

and they're going out
to the theater,
and Lucy has to be picked up.

First of all, she has
no business associating
with anyone named Tiffany,

and second of all,
what am I supposed
to do about it?

I thought maybe
you could get her
on the way home.

Home? Leo,
I'm in the middle...

Give me her address,
I'll take care of it.

(SPEAKING JAPANESE)

The address!

Where are we going?

38 East,
69th street, miss.

(SIGHS)

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

♪ Just buy a brand new pair
of Fred Astaire shoes

♪ Climbing to the top
never gonna stop

♪ It's the same old song
and one, two, three

♪ And dec-a-dance

♪ Dance
♪ Dance

♪ Dance
♪ Dance

♪ Dancing to the decadence

♪ Dance

♪ Everybody decadancing

Um, sir?

I need to make
a stop first.

Can you take me
to the Statue of Liberty?

Yeah. I'm doing
a report for school.

Well, attagirl.

You know the value
of a good education.

♪ It's hard to stop
once the music
gets started ♪

CLAIRE: What did
you expect me to do?
Drop everything?

A limousine
is no place for a kid.

Caroline Kennedy
grew up in a limousine,

and she turned out
perfectly fine.

This is serious, Claire.

She's probably
with Madeleine.

You're not mad
about the limo,

you're just mad
because you have to call
that bitch and explain.

No. What I'm mad about
is that I asked you
to do me a favor...

Hello? Yeah.
Yeah, it's me.

Is Lucy there?

Oh...

No, look.
There was a little mix-up.

It... Calm...
Madeleine, calm down.

Look, Madeleine,
I am upset, too!

Hang up.
I'll call the limo service.

We'll straighten this out.
I'll... I'll call you back.
Okay? Yeah.

Thanks.

Hi.

You okay?

(WHIMPERING)
I didn't know
where to go.

You wanna come
upstairs and talk?

(SIGHS)

I don't need
to talk anymore.

I just need you.

Oh...

(SOBBING)

Come here.

(CLICKING TONGUE)

I can be your friend.

I can listen.

But I can't fix it.

Okay.
Where's my baby?

LUCY: Daddy.
Come here.

She's been drinking.

Daddy, help me.

It's okay, sweetheart.
I tried to give
her some milk.

You're with daddy now.
Thank you, Nina.

Okay.

It's okay, honey,
you're home.

If you need
anything else,

just give me a call.

So I guess you think
I'm a real witch, right?

Driving that poor child
to the bottle?

No. I know how
difficult it is

to deal with a child
that's so hard to reach.

No, you don't know
how difficult it is, Nina!

I've really tried
to win her over.

But she's so sullen
and arrogant
and manipulative.

She's a little girl,
not a grown-up woman.

(CHUCKLES)
When I was her age,

I never heard
the word "divorce."

I didn't know
the world could blow up
at any minute.

My biggest problem was
cheerleading try-outs.

Every night I went to sleep
feeling safe and secure.

Lucy's never had that.

But it wasn't my fault.

It's nobody's fault.

It's just the way it is.

I've got a cleaver
in my hand.

Are you sure
you want to have
this discussion now?

There is no discussion.
This isn't working.

Throw in
another egg yolk.

I'm talking about
our marriage.
It isn't working.

Of course it's working.
We're having an argument,
that's all.

It's called a fight.

I want out, Leo.

You want out? You want out?
Huh, just like that
you want out?

I'm sorry, Leo.

You gotta be more
willing to bend, Claire.
That's all.

This is not fun.

Yeah? Well, marriage
isn't all fun.
You know that?

Remember, for better
or worse,
in sickness and in health.

You know, once, just once
I'd like to have a plain,
old weekend with you

where we didn't go
to some glamorous resort,

didn't hang out
with the right people,
drink champagne,

and desperately try
to fuck our brains out
on satin sheets.

There was no gun
at your head.

You know, I would like
to spend 48 miserable hours
with you one weekend.

That's all.
Then get into bed,
have lousy sex,

wake up in the morning,
and then get on with my day

without having to worry
whether or not
I impressed you,

whether or not
you had a good time,

whether or not
I was good enough for you!

Marriage isn't just fun!

Well, this one
sure isn't!

I'm sick of suffering
because you
and Mad Dog fucked up.

How about
a little respect
for my feelings

instead of jumping
through hoops for
the other women in your life?

I married you,
not your excess baggage.

Excess baggage?

Lucy, my daughter...

My daughter, excess baggage?
I'm not talking about Lucy,

I'm talking about
the situation!

Who the hell
do you think you are?
Queen Claire?

Your Highness?
Who the fuck are you?

Who the fuck
do you think you are?

My daughter
comes with me!

I didn't mean
your daughter, okay?

Don't touch me.

Don't touch me.
Okay.

My daughter
comes with me, okay?
That's part of the bargain.

I know that, Leo.

It's no bargain.

Oh, my God,
Claire and Leo...

Are getting a divorce.

But why?
They seemed so happy!

Yeah, I can't
figure it either.

(SIGHING) I'm sure
they had hot sex.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Hot sex! What's that
supposed to mean?

You know what it means, Iris.
It hasn't been that long.

(GASPS)
You really think sex

is the most important thing
to keep a marriage together?

Of course not!
People split up
for a lot of reasons.

Lousy sex
is just one of them.

Oh, I hadn't realized
you were such an expert!

Huh, you don't have to be
an expert to make
a simple observation.

It just appeared to me
that Claire and Leo had...

Satisfying physical relationship.

Right.

Claire is a very
vivacious woman.

And...

She's got great tits!

Great tits?
What a thing to say.

A simple observation.

It is a rude and
inappropriate comment to make
about a friend in pain.

Do I say,
"Gee, Chuck's a bright,
interesting guy,

"and I bet he's hung
like a gorilla!"

I bet he's not.

(MOUTHING)

I'm sure
they'll work it out.

People say things in anger
they don't really mean,

and you just have
to remain calm,

and talk things over
sensibly.

Anything can be worked out.

Divorce is just so final.
It's so sad.

You live
in a dream world, Nina.
Divorce happens every day.

Divorce is a fact of life.

LEO: Watch your step.
Now, go slow. Go slow.

JOHN: Yeah, okay.
I got it.

(MEN GRUNTING)

You all right?
Yeah.

Easy.

It's pretty pathetic, huh?

A man's whole life
fits in one little truck.

(GRUNTING) They say
it's better to have loved
than lost.

Nobody likes losing.

Hey, help me with this,
will you? Come on.

Just hold it. Okay, easy.
LEO: Okay, easy, guys.

Get out of the way.
Easy, okay, easy.

(ALL GRUNTING)

That's it.

I certainly
hope so.

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

The smell of hot chocolate
will always remind me
of Girl Scout camping trips.

(LAUGHING) We took
the boys camping once.

John stepped on a bee.

Well, that's life
for ya.

Just when you think
you're having fun,
something always fucks up.

(GRUNTING)

LEO: How you doin', guys?
This is the last flight.
Okay?

Okay, you got it?

(JOHN COUGHING)

Just put it
against the wall.

JOHN: Huh?
Put it against
the wall there.

Okay.

(SIGHING)

Be it ever
so humble.

CHUCK:
Well, it's sort of...

LEO: Depressing.

Well, it's small,
but it's...

It's very green.

Why don't we give it
a coat of paint?

I've got time to kill.

Come on, Claire,
you can't turn your back
on the fact

that we were meant
to live our life
in pairs.

Yeah, sure.

Ever heard
of Noah's Ark?

Ever heard
of the Titanic?

No, the nuclear family
is the basis of human life,

the bond between
parent and child...

BOYS: Mom!

What?

Eric's dad wants to take
us to the hockey game...
No, no, no.

He said we could stay over.
No, I don't think...

Oh, come on, Mom, please?

They even have
toothbrushes!

BOYS: Please?
All right, all right,
all right, go.

Thanks, Mom.

Okay, okay.

I'm free!

(BOTH LAUGHING)

I am free
for one whole night.

Part of me wants
to protect my kid
from everything.

Yeah, but you also
want 'em to be able to
deal with the real world.

Yeah.
Well...

You know,
my parents are alive,

but if they were dead,
they would be
turning over in their grave.

They've been married
45 years, they still
sleep in the same bed.

What's this, lavender?

Yeah, that's Lucy's
favorite color.

I'll be happy
if one of my kids

develops a decent jump shot
from the corner.

(LAUGHS) Pretty
low expectations.

I always wanted to have
my kids when I was young.

So we could
grow up together.

I don't think we're ready.

Chuck keeps telling me
I live in a dream world.

Maybe I did,

but I'm just starting
to ask questions

about things I thought
I had answers to.

Does that make sense?

Sure.

You know, even though
I'm innocent,

there's one thing
that still bothers me.

What's that?

Well, I have to ask myself
when I think about

where I was headed,
theoretically.

If I could've gotten away
with a few million,

never gotten caught,
would I have done it?

Oh, geez! Oh, shit.

Don't worry about it.
Don't worry about it.

Take it easy. Relax.
Take it easy.

I'm sorry.
Take it easy.

Painted floors are in.
Very high concept.

CLAIRE: Above all else,
I value my independence.

I don't want to
answer to anybody!

And I don't want to
set a good example.

If people don't like
the way I choose
to live my life,

they can kiss my ass
in Macy's window!

I let Claire
keep the silver.

It was the least
I could do.

It's been in her family
for over 200 years.

(CHUCKLES) Let her sleep
with her damn silver.

See if that keeps her
warm at night.

Fuckin A.

Nobody ever plans
to get in a rut.

John and I had this,
like, you know,
open relationship

which basically meant
that he slept
with other women

while I pretended
to sleep with other men.

Then, his roommate
moved to Oregon.

Then I moved in
with the understanding

that we wouldn't sleep
with other people,

but we'd keep
our money separate.

Then what happened?

We got pregnant.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

A few years ago,
Iris had a lump
in her breast.

She had a biopsy on Friday
and we wouldn't get
the results until Monday.

I said, "Come on,
we'll do anything
you want."

We'll, you know,
put it on plastic.
"The sky is the limit."

She said,
"No, I just want
to be normal."

Hmm.

Me, I would have gone
to London, Hong Kong.

But Iris?

Not Iris.

(ALL GIGGLING)

Thank you.
We got married
on the beach.

No!
Yeah.

It was sunrise,
around suns...
Oh, God, I don't remember.

But the point is
we write our own
ceremony.

It's very Zen.
Oh!

It's very feminist,
very Buddhist,
very Carlos Castaneda.

People did stuff
like that in those days.

Some people.

So what do you want?
I was young,
I was impressionable.

(LAUGHING) Hey,
I was knocked up.

Ladies?
Another bottle of wine?

Two, please.

Oh!

Bring one
at a time, please.

You know,
this may sound corny.

Everything you say
sounds corny, Nina.

Come on, Claire.
Let her talk.

It's... It's easy
to make new friends,

but it's hard
to make old ones.

And I feel
like we're old friends.

(CHUCKLES)

(MOCK CRYING)

Guys, I'm serious.

I don't like the ones
with all that jewelry on them.

I like that natural look.
You know, like the...
See the one in the white?

CHUCK: Ooh, wow.
How old do you think
she is?

She's too old for you.
She'd break you in half.

(LAUGHING)

God, sometimes I miss
being in school.

I never see
my friends anymore.

I mean, it's... I don't know.
I like being married.
It's just different.

(CHUCKLING)
You're never alone.

There's always someone
to get you off the phone,
off the toilet.

Uh-oh.

CHUCK: New York
is full of beautiful women.
It's so exciting.

Don't talk to me
about beautiful,
exciting women.

Power, glamour, wealth
aren't what they're
cracked up to be.

(SIGHING)

Oh.

There are exceptions.

(PHONE RINGING)

(CLAIRE ON ANSWERING MACHINE)
Hi, thanks for calling.

If you leave a message,
I'll call you back.

(BEEPING)

LEO: Uh, hi, it's...

(SIGHING) Boy,
I hate machines.

It's me, Leo.

Your pit-bull lawyer
called me yesterday.
We...

I really didn't
like his attitude.

(LEO SIGHS)

Okay, this is tough.

I can't do this
on the machine.

Anyway, I told him...
I hung up on him.

So why don't you
just tell him to
send the papers over.

I'll sign whatever
you want

and I won't
call you anymore if...

Okay. Bye-bye.

(BEEPING)

(DIAL TONE)

FEMALE NEWSCASTER:
That's good night
for Channel Three News.

Coming up next,

a United States senator
is slapped
by his colleagues.

(DOOR OPENING)

This and more
after sports.

Hey.
Hi.

The boys said
you'd called,

but I didn't know
how late "late" was,

and then you didn't
call back, so...

Marty said you were
at a pageant meeting.

Oh, yeah, I know.
I was.

But I would've come home
if I knew
you were feeling sociable.

(LAUGHS) What's that
supposed to mean?
I had a drink with Leo.

Oh, a drink? My God,
you two are becoming
quite an item.

It's like
a nightly ritual.

You wanted me
to be sociable.

We got to talking and...

Oh, did he talk
about Claire?

No. Why should he?
He's put that
all behind him.

He's starting
a whole new life.

If you ask me,
this divorce could be
a blessing in disguise.

You want a sandwich
or something?

Oh, no. No, thanks.
I ate with the kids.

(CHATTERING ON TV)

I have a staff meeting
after school today,

and I need to go
to the library

to do some research
for one of my patients,

so I don't know
how late I'll be.

What about dinner?

I made a casserole.
It's in the fridge.

Three-fifty
for an hour.

Looks good.

It's Iris' recipe.

Iris is so talented.

(SIGHS)

What did you say?

Iris is so talented.

Is there anything
she doesn't do?

(SCOFFS)

I've got an idea.

Why don't you fuck Iris?

(SNICKERS)

What? Cat got your tongue?

No, I've never heard you
use that word before.

Oh!

Well, I suggest
you get used to it.

'Cause I'm planning
on using it a lot more
often around here.

'Cause I'm the one
who painted
the fucking shelves,

and I'm the one who made
the fucking curtains.

And not only did I make that
stupid fucking casserole,

I also make
your fucking dinner
every fucking night!

I'm sick and tired
of doing all the
fucking work around here

while you sit around
moping all day

like you're the only
fucking person
in the whole fucking world!

And I'm rushing off
to my fucking job

and you're
still sitting around
in your fucking bathrobe.

So fuck you,
Charles fuckin' Bishop.
Fuck you!

(DOOR SLAMMING)

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

Come in.

Hi.

Well, I had to drop off
the new school leader list,

so I thought
I'd just drop by,
I'd say hello.

Hi.

Even though my lunch hour
was over two hours ago

and the city of New York
is collapsing
without my input.

So, how are you?

Fine.

Oh, wonderful.

I'm leaving Chuck.

(CHUCKLES)

(CHUCKLES)

What? What happened?

You know how you said
no one plans on
getting into a rut.

I don't know
what I'm talking about.

I say the first thing
that comes into my head.

Well, I didn't plan on
getting into this one,

but I'm sure planning
on getting out.

And Chuck won't even notice
I've gone.

Oh, Nina, he's been
through so much.

Yeah.

So have I.
I'm really tired of being
his fucking cheerleader.

You can't just walk out
on a marriage just like that.

Yes, I can.

If you're not happy,
you can, too.

How can you work
in a barn near
this broken-down nag?

(HORSE SNORTING)

LEO: Okay,
you pick it, juicer.

The movie of your choice.
Popcorn is on me.

We've got action,
adventure, romance,
comedy, drama.

You want to laugh,
cry, scream?

Personally,
I vote for screaming.

I don't care.

Well, I think
you should care.

When your father
is trying to make you happy,
you should care.

Why? I mean,
my opinion doesn't count.

You ask me about
the stupid things,
things that don't matter.

Okay, you want me
to ask you about
something that matters?

Huh? Something
that isn't stupid?

Maybe you can explain to me
why the only thing
I ever wanted in my life

was to make my child happy,
give her everything good
in life,

make her feel secure,
and that's the one thing
I screwed up.

Make me feel happy
and secure?

You say that,
but you make all
the big decisions yourself.

You treat me
like a baby.

And I haven't played
with toys like these
since I was four years old.

(CHUCKLES)

You know, I must be
out of my goddamn mind,
you know.

Okay, you want to talk
like an adult?
Let's talk adult, okay?

No more TV,
daddy and daughter,
all right, you know.

I feel so guilty,
and I am so afraid that
you will not love me,

that I have made
my own daughter
into a spoiled brat.

Oh, sure.
Everything's my fault.

No, everything
is not your fault.

Everything is my fault.

I've allowed you to become
a royal pain in the ass.

How about
a little compassion?

How about
a little recognition

that somebody
who loves you
very, very much

is trying to do the best
that he can?

Lucy.

You're gonna have to
understand something, okay?

Whatever happens,
your mother and...
Look at me, Lucy.

Your mother and I
are never going to
get back together again.

Okay?
(SIGHING)

We tried.
We've wanted to,
we tried.

We just...
We don't get along.
We really did try.

Claire and I
broke up because...

Me.
No.

It's because of me.
No, no, no. Don't say that.

Don't say that.
It's not true.

Okay, I know
you didn't like Claire,
but she...

(SIGHING) She simply
did not know how to
be a parent. That's all.

But believe me,
I really think that,
in her own way,

she tried to do the best
that she could.

She was okay.

(SIGHING) And her house
is a lot better
than this dump.

I... I just...

I just don't like it
when you're alone.

Neither do I.

Oh, I love you.

I love you, too.

(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)

Hi.

Hi. How was your day?

Actually, it was interesting.

Oh, I picked up
the dry-cleaning,

and I did
the grocery shopping.

I called John.

There's a basketball team
in Harlem
that needs a coach

so I thought,
you know, maybe,

with all this time off,
I could help out.

Good. That could really
improve your image...

For the case, I mean.

I didn't do it
to help my image, Nina.

I did it
because you were right.

Because, I mean,
there are people
in the world with problems

and it felt good
to stop thinking
about myself.

It must have been
a unique experience.

(SIGHING)

I made you a dinner.

Because we've been
celebrating the wrong things.

We're always celebrating
first dates and first kisses
and they're important.

I just think
we should celebrate
the bad times, too.

It's not that simple.

You don't just pick up
the dry-cleaning
and everything's okay.

I mean, I can't even
get a real reaction
out of you.

I mean, I don't know
if you're happy
or sad or scared.

I've been going through
the worst time of my life.

I know!

All I've tried to do
is protect you from it.

Just try to keep you
out of the mess of it.

That's what I've done wrong.
I've just tried
to be a good husband.

That's what I've done wrong?
No. Just stop!

Stop trying to be
a good husband.

(SIGHS) God.

Look, I'm doing this
all wrong.

I need you to help me.

Please, just tell me
what it is.
Tell me what you want.

(CRYING)

I just...

I just want us
to be able to talk.

Okay.

Like this.
Okay.

Oh, boy.

You are everything
to me. Okay?

Do you know that?

I just felt so lonely
the past couple of months,

and shut out.

And I just wanna feel
like I matter to you.

Oh, God, you matter.

You matter.

You don't have
to protect me.

Okay. Okay.

I'm sorry.

I love you so much.

I love you, too.

Will you marry me?
(CHUCKLES)

I already did,
remember?

Oh, yeah.

(CHUCKLES)

Marry me again.

I do.

How many
thousands of these
do you need, Iris?

There's no such thing
as too many.

The children's public theater
always gets a huge turnout.

Chuck and I can't wait.
You know, he wants
to volunteer, too.

He's so helpful.

If you two get any happier,
I'm gonna have to get
a glucose tolerance test.

Don't you recycle
these things?

I have a feeling
I'm going to.

Well, come on,
it only takes a minute
to make a difference.

It's all
in the wrist.

How do you
do it, Iris?

How do you have time
to care about everything?

You sound like John.

I mean it
as a compliment.

He sure doesn't.

I'm sorry.
I shouldn't
get like that.

He's been under
a lot of pressure lately.

They're having
more cutbacks
in his department.

Oh, really?
Yeah.

I feel so bad
for him.

(MIMICKING)
I feel so bad
for him.

Ha, ha, ha!

Anyway, there's this
big dance for the mayor
and I'm really excited,

'cause I thought
it might
cheer John up.

It's this black tie,
he's never worn
a tux before.

he's all upset
'cause they cost
too much to rent.

What are you
gonna wear?

Well, I have this
sort of long navy blue skirt
and white blouse.

And I thought that,
you know, I'd...
Yeah.

Look like
Mary Poppins?

Well, with
the right jewelry...

The right jewelry
is in the
Tower of London.

John needs to be
cheered up.

What do we have
that's real cheerful?

Do you know CPR?

Oh, God, I could
never wear that.

We won't tell God.

Come on.
That'll never fit me.

Of course it will.
This part stretches
all out this way,

and this part
pushes everything up
and out the top.

Yeah, well, I don't know
if I want everything
up and out the top.

This is endless.

Every transaction
Everson made
for the last year.

Some for a dollar, $10.

(SIGHS)

How are we gonna...
Just keep reading.

It would be nice
when we go to trial
to have a defense.

(BAND PLAYING UPBEAT
INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

John, that Iris
is something.

I can do without the limo,
but I sure miss her.

(MUSIC STOPS)

Excuse me, excuse me.
Pardon me.

Didn't we meet
at the White House?

I don't...
Or was it
the laundry room?

Oh, yes!

(CHUCKLING)

Having a good time?
Oh, yeah.

I love watching
my tax dollars
at work,

but my date
keeps ditchin' me.

Oh! Hey! I have to say
hello to all these people.

Couldn't we...
There.
Let's take that.

Let's sneak out
that door right there.
Come on.

No, no, no, no, no, no.
Come on, come on,
come on, come on.

(IRIS LAUGHING)

(SIGHS)
This is beautiful.

You're beautiful.

(LAUGHING)

Are you really
having a good time?

Oh, I am. And as much as
I'm enjoying this party,

I can't wait
till it's over,

because then
I can get you home

and have you
all to myself.

Oh, well,
If you feel like that,

maybe I should
just give you a preview
of coming attractions.

(LAUGHING)

Geez, Iris.

(GIGGLING)

You are so...beautiful.

I never knew
you could be
so beautiful.

You should borrow
Claire's clothes more often.

What?

Come on, I'm not...
Come on.

Stop it.
What are you doing?

Hey, you know
it's me in here?

(LAUGHS) What?

God, what's the matter
with me?

Am I so desperate
for some response?

I dress myself up
in this outfit

because I'm just
convinced you think
I'm dumpy and boring?

I don't think
any such thing.

Yes, you do!

God! You fuck me,
and you won't kiss me.

You mock my casseroles
and you think I'm ditzy

when I'm just trying
to be cheerful.

I just want to have
a good life,

and not be consumed
with anger

and jealousy
and rage and...

And the feeling that
I've missed the boat.

I thought we were
in this together.

I thought this was
supposed to be
a marriage, right?

(CRYING) I know,
maybe I didn't turn out

to be the Barbie doll
of your dreams,

but let me remind you,
when we met,
you had a 32-inch waist.

And a sense of humor.

And now all you can see
is sadness and gloom

and you fantasize
about Claire's tits?

Let me
tell you something.

I think Claire's great.
I think she has great tits.

I think she has great legs
and great clothes
to show them off.

But she gave up on Leo,
and I have never
given up on you.

So how dare
you give up on me?

How dare you?

No, Iris,
I'm sorry.

I miss you.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

(SIGHS)

Look at all this money
I made for Everson.

Son of a bitch
won't even talk to me.

If I had any money,
I'd turn it over
to Jeremy Brimfield.

He made a killing
on this Hutchco deal.

Yeah, I never liked Jeremy.
He was always bragging.

He had a lot to brag about.
He made a bundle for Mullaney.

No, no, no.
Jeremy didn't do shit
for Mullaney.

Mullaney was mine.
Jeremy didn't even
know him.

What are you talking about?
The whole Hutchco deal...

No, Jeremy handled
the Hutchco deal,

but Mullaney had
nothing to do with it.

Mullaney's brother-in-law
owned the corporation,

but Mullaney
had control.

No, if that was true,
then Jeremy and Mullaney
would have known each other

and they hadn't met.

What makes you so sure?

I saw them meet.

It was
at Everson's party.

Oh.

Right in front of me.
Jeremy came over
and intro...

Uh-huh.

Oh, geez,
I am an idiot!

Mmm-hmm.

A-ha!

So Mullaney pretends
he doesn't know Jeremy.

And Jeremy
gives me the tip.

Yeah, and then Everson
gives you
some nice new clients.

All of who are
in with Mullaney
right from the beginning.

He set you up.

They had
a whole scam going.

Okay.

How are we
gonna prove it?

Well, we got 11
of Chuck's clients
to try and crack.

We can play 'em
against each other.

All we need is one.

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

Claire. Hey, thanks a lot
for printing these up.

You saved us
a bundle.

It was my pleasure.

Speaking of pleasure,
have you talked to Leo?

No. Why would I?

Well, John says
he's miserable without you.

Good.

Well, if you're glad
he's miserable without you,

that means you must be
thinking about him,

which means
you should call him up.

I haven't been
thinking about him.

As a matter of fact,
I've met someone new.

Oh, yeah?
What's he like?

Shipping tycoon.
Tall, dark, handsome.

Rich, powerful,
romantic, sexy.

Sounds awful.
Call Leo.

I won't call Leo.

I'm perfectly happy
seeing this fabulously
wonderful man.

As a matter of fact,
we're going to
the ballet Saturday.

He's got the whole box.
Why don't you join us?

We can get Chuck and Nina,
do cocktails at my place.

It'll be like,
you know, old times.

Oh, gee, I guess
you forgot about
the Rainbow Festival.

Chuck and Nina
are coming with us.

Oh.

Well, I'm sure
it will be lovely.

It's going to be fabulous.

(LAUGHS) Oh, the boys
are stringing love beads

and painting
war protest signs.

And Leo is going
to be there.

And I'll be at the ballet,
where I belong.

You belong with Leo.
You guys
were great together.

Iris, I know
you mean well,
but I know myself.

I know my limitations.

I don't bend,
I don't compromise,

and I'm too old
to start now.

You're giving up
the chance of a lifetime.

You're turning your back
on the real thing.

There is no real thing.

And believe me,
no one ever lives
happily ever after.

Honey, it happens
all the time.

(SIGHS)

Here he comes!

(REPORTERS CLAMORING)

MAN: Excuse me, has
Merotan been indicted?
Is Arthur Everson...

Four of the 11
Merotan purchasers

have signed confessions
admitting to collusion

with George Mullaney,
Arthur Everson
and Jeremy Brimfield

in an illegal
stock parking scheme
to take over the company,

using my client,
Charles Bishop,
as their pawn.

Excuse me, what about
the charges against him?

It is my understanding that
all charges against my client
will be dropped.

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

IRIS: Come on.
MARTY: But, Dad, come on.
We got to go!

It's just going to take
a couple of seconds.

It will be painless,
believe me.

Okay.

I'll have you know
that I embroidered these
with my own two hands, okay?

So if you wreck them,
just, hey,
don't come home.

Okay, we'll be careful.
See you later, Mom.
Bye, thanks.

Come here. Come here.

Okay. See you later.
Okay, Mom, thanks.

Hold it. Hold it!
I've got a little something
for you guys.

Can't be a hippie
without a mustache.

Facial hair
is where it's at.

All right, Dad, thanks.
See you later.

See you later. I...

I thought that I would
grow my own back.

What do you think?

Mmm?
I think you look
like an asshole.

(CHUCKLES)

Ow! Geez! Shit.

(LAUGHING)

Kiss me, you fool.

You are the most
beautiful woman here,

and I am the luckiest man
in the world.

Thank you.
I mean, how sweet.

LUCY: Hi.

Hi, Lucy.

I like your tattoo.

My dad did it.

Really? It looks
very authentic.

I wanted to say
congratulations.

About your husband,
I mean.

Oh, thank you.
That's very
thoughtful of you.

I was thinking
I'm going to camp
this summer.

Is it okay if I write you?

Yeah.
I'd really like that.

So would I.

Or you can call, too.
Collect, if you want.

We paid the bill.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

I have to go now,
but thanks.

Okay. Good luck.
Okay. Bye.

Well, of course everyone
wants me, darling.

With my credentials,
I can name my own price.

I just let them know
I'm in control

and then I watch
them fight it out
amongst themselves.

(ALL LAUGHING)

(CHILDREN CHATTERING)

BOY: When is it gonna
start, teacher?

Okay, Jodi,
take your seat.

Settle down.
Come on,
now, settle.

Hi.
Oh, you made it.

Hey.

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

There it is.

I told them
I'd only sign
a two-year contract.

The thing I value most
is my independence.

And who knows,
maybe you'll get married.

Married? Never.

The last thing
I want to do
is waste my time

playing house
with somebody who's
temporarily compatible.

Look, I'm trained
to look at bottom lines,
and numbers don't lie.

Statistically,
all relationships
are a bad investment.

Believe me, nobody lives
happily ever after.

Sure, they do.

It happens all the time.

MAN: (CHUCKLES) Sure.

(BELL SOUNDS)

WAITER: Hors d'oeuvres,
ladies?

(SCREAMS)
Oh, God!

Don't worry, don't worry.
It won't stain.

I just need
a little cold water.
Go ahead, I'll wash this off.

I'll come with you.

Silly, not to
the ladies room.

Be a good boy,
save my seat.
I won't be a minute.

♪ Yesterday
a child came out to wander

♪ Caught a dragonfly
inside a jar

♪ Fearful when the sky
was full of thunder

♪ And tearful
at the falling of a star

ALL: ♪ And the seasons,
they go round and round

♪ And the painted ponies
go up and down

♪ We're captive
on a carousel of time

♪ We can't return

♪ We can only look behind
from where we came

♪ And go round and round
and round

♪ In the circle game

♪ Then the child
moved ten times
round the seasons

♪ Skated over
ten clear frozen streams

♪ Words like
"When you're older"
must appease him

♪ And promises of someday
make his dreams

ALL: ♪ And the seasons,
they go round and round

♪ And the painted ponies
go up and down

♪ We're captive
on a carousel of time

♪ We can't return

♪ We can only look behind
from where we came

♪ And go round and round
and round

♪ In the circle game

Hmm.

♪ Sixteen springs
and sixteen summers
gone now

♪ Cartwheels
turn to car wheels
through the town

♪ And they tell him

♪ Take your time
it won't be long now

♪ Till you drag your feet
to slow the circles down

ALL: ♪ And the seasons,
they go round and round

♪ And the painted ponies
go up and down

♪ We're captive
on a carousel of time

♪ We can't return

♪ We can only look behind
from where we came

♪ And go round and round
and round

(MOUTHING)

♪ In the circle game

♪ So the years spin by
and now the boy is 20

♪ Though his dreams have lost
some grandeur coming true

♪ There'll be new dreams

♪ Maybe better dreams
and plenty

♪ Before the last
revolving year is through

♪ And the seasons,
they go round and round

♪ And the painted ponies
go up and down

♪ We're captive
on a carousel of time

♪ We can't return

♪ We can only look behind
from where we came

♪ And go round and round
and round

♪ In the circle game ♪

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

(HOOTING)

(JOHN WHOOPING)

(CHEERING)