Marlo Lasker (2016) - full transcript
Marlo Lasker, a lovable nerd, goes on a series of adventures to defeat Caleb, the school jock, and win the heart of Susie, the girl of his dreams.
(projector clicking)
(upbeat orchestral music)
(bright orchestral music)
(Marlo gasping)
What the hell is this?
Only the best Limburger on
the market, you're welcome.
I need cash, not some stinking
cheese, you orange idiot!
You got it, Mister.
(rider laughing)
(Carl groaning)
Come on, Alfie, come on.
(Marlo humming)
I know it, we're gonna
go inside, you'll see.
Come on now, be a good boy.
Reily?
Looks like Reily's making
another experiment.
Okay, good for you, okay, come on, okay.
You did a really fantastic
job today, Alfie.
Way to nail that poop on the sidewalk.
(dog barking)
You earned it.
(dog barking)
(toy squeaking)
(phone pinging)
Hi there, folks,
this is Marlo Lasker.
I'm probably making Brie
or playing chess online.
Please leave a message.
(phone beeping)
[Reily] Marlo, I'm not
gonna be able to join you
at the party tonight.
I'm going to sudden death in
the county chess tournament,
but have fun.
(Marlo exhaling)
That's a bummer, Alfie.
(dog barking)
I mean, I'm happy for
Reily, he's gonna kick butt
in that chess tournament, I have no doubt.
But it sounds like he's not gonna be
going to the party after all.
Although I'm pretty sure that
Susie will still be there.
(dog barking)
Alfie, that is very inappropriate.
(dog barking)
So what do you think?
Do you think I should
still go to the party?
(dog barking)
You're right, Alfie, I can do this.
(Marlo panting)
I'm trying.
(bright orchestral music)
(Marlo sneezing)
(water running)
(dryer humming)
(Marlo thudding)
(phone ringing)
Susie, oh.
(bright orchestral music)
(whooshing)
(keys striking)
How's today's lesson going, Timmy?
It's good, I was just looking over your
queen sacrifice scenario, and I gotta say,
that's a real doozy there,
you're a risky fella.
The queen sacrifice
might appear so brazen
that a player might choose a safer route,
but an elite tactician will
always trust his instinct
and never shirk from risk.
Remember, you aren't
playing in a tournament
in order to paint pretty pictures.
You're playing to score points.
And avoid real sports, okay.
Yes.
Plus, you know, an
objectively unsound sacrifice
can have a tremendous psychological
effect on your opponent,
throwing him way off track.
In chess, as in life, risk often pays off,
or so I'm told, cool?
Oh, I got it, Marlo, thanks a ton.
You're welcome, Timmy.
And, um, today is payday, just FYI, so.
Here's your payment.
(cash register ringing)
Thanks, Timmy.
Oh, ah.
Oh, oh, oh oh.
(bike horn beeping)
(crickets chirping)
Whoa, listen, dweeb.
No parking your girly bicycle thing
near my sexy ride.
(car alarm beeping)
(retching)
(gasping)
Excuse me, sir, I
believe I should bring it
to your attention that in
2014, 9,937 people died,
unfortunately, in drunk driving accidents.
Now that would be one every 53 minutes.
I should also also let you know
that the conviction for DUI
comes with a high financial fine.
They will actually take
your license, you will get
imprisoned, at the same
time they'll probably
impound your vehicle.
So, if you value your
beautiful red-hot 928 more so
than your fading GPA, I'm assuming,
I highly recommend that
you allow this lovely woman
to take you home this evening.
Have a good night.
Excuse me.
I'm not drunk (retches).
(coughing)
(upbeat music)
So like, Brad was totally
checking you out the other day.
I know, but like he always does.
(clearing throat)
Excuse me, ladies.
Would either of you happen to know
where I could find Susie, Susie Banks?
She's in the living room.
Fantastic!
Oh, thanks a million.
Oh my God!
Are you for real making fun
of retarded people right now?
Uh, what do you mean?
I mean, you're obviously
not really like this, right?
I am so offended.
Oh, well, actually I'm
offended that you're offended.
You see, ladies, having an IQ of 157
gives me a very unique
perspective on the human race.
And although I am special
according to my late mother's
diary, I am not, nor would
I ever, make fun of those
given less intellectual
capacity than most,
i.e., since you're a natural blonde,
are we supposed to assume
that you're stupid?
Wow, now I'm really offended.
Once again, I'm offended
that you're offended.
So according to my calculations,
that puts four offendeds
between us, and since two
negatives equal a positive,
we now have double positives,
therefore, we just came out
a head, hashtag, nerd life.
(scoffing)
Technically, he's right.
You know no one likes you, right?
(bright orchestral music)
(balloon popping)
Oh oh, ah.
Cheese.
(balloon popping)
(whooshing)
(upbeat funky music)
Oh.
Susie.
(Marlo sighing)
(Marlo inhaling)
(coughing)
(Susie giggling)
- Hi, Susie.
- Hi, Marlo.
You made it.
Yeah, well I was
waiting at the front door
for your parents, but they didn't...
Don't worry about it.
Anyways, my parents are outta
the country for the month.
They're in Laos, diplomats.
Got it.
You know you're an hour
and a half late, right?
Really?
Yeah.
Oh, uh, oh my goodness, oh
my goodness, I'm so sorry.
I'm so embarrassed, I'm
so sorry, I apologize.
That's okay.
But I have a good reason.
Really?
It's just, I was doing something
special for your birthday present.
Do you wanna see it?
Yes, of course.
Tada.
Oh, you shouldn't have.
Well it's made from
vanilla extract and a hint
of European dynasty made from real
olive oil from the Greeks.
It was made by geeks, no,
it wasn't made by geeks,
it was made by the Greeks of 5000 BC.
Oh, that is so sweet of you, thank you.
Oh.
Girls, girls.
Girls, girls, girls, girls.
This is Marlo, he's the
one who's been helping me
in my astrophysics class
for the past two months.
He's the only reason I passed my exams.
That's not entirely accurate.
Once you understood quantum
mechanics, thermodynamics
and Aristarchus' heliocentric
theory, you pretty much
had 92.6% of the information
you need to know.
I'm really glad you decided to come.
Me too, Susie.
I was wondering if tonight would
be a good time to ask you...
Oh my God, baby, baby.
Baby.
(muttering)
(upbeat rock music)
Oh my God, you're not gonna believe this.
Jeremy!
(laughs)
Jeremy and I, we drew a penis,
on Chuck's face and tweeted it
to his entire church group online.
Yeah, his penis.
(both laughing)
That's nice, Caleb.
Hey, ladies.
Jeremy!
You're a pig.
[Jeremy] Shut up, Denise.
No, we're done, we're done, no.
[Jeremy] Denise, come on.
Come on.
Come on, come on.
Hey, who let the nerd in here?
Just stop it, Caleb, all right.
Not here, please.
Marlo was just bringing me...
Just what?
Just leaving.
Right?
Well, I, I, I just stopped by
because I was actually, I
baked a cheesecake for Susie.
Oh this cheesecake?
[Marlo] Yes, precisely.
Isn't it beautiful?
(Caleb sniffing)
Wow.
This smells and looks great.
Great job, buddy.
Um, thank you so much.
Hey, I'm feeling kinda thirsty.
Could you be a doll and
go get me some punch?
Sure, hon, be right back.
Oh.
Susie, what, where do you want the cake?
Hey, what was your name again?
Uh,
Lasker, Marlo Lasker.
Mm, cool.
Hey, tell me about your cheesecake.
Really?
Yeah.
Okay, well, I baked
it with vanilla extract.
Actually, Susie wanted, it was European...
Oo, oh (groans).
(girls laughing)
[Both] Loser.
My gosh, Marlo.
What happened?
Oh, he just had an accident.
Right, Marlo?
Um, I.
Uh.
Yeah, it was an accident.
Oh, Marlo, I'm sorry,
I'll get you a towel.
(Caleb belching)
Who said you could
come to the party, nerd?
Well actually Susie invited me, so I...
Oh, well, how nice.
Well I certainly wouldn't
want you to feel unwelcome.
Have you been offered something to drink?
Perhaps some punch?
Well, I am a little thirsty,
now that you mention it.
Oh, oh, oh.
(Marlo whimpering)
(soft dramatic music)
If you go near my girlfriend
again, I'll kill you.
You got that?
Beat it, nerd.
Ladies, let's go have some fun.
But don't tell my girlfriend.
(Marlo crying)
(upbeat music)
Yo, yo, yo, what's the deal, hefe?
Neighborhood watch up in this, bitch.
You better recognize, gringo.
Hey there, Hector, Jose,
how's it going, fellas?
We're just taking our
business to the next level.
(speaking foreign language)
You see any criminals,
or you need any favors,
you give us a call, man.
Okay, thanks, fellas, will do.
Hey, you know what time it is?
Well I think it's a quarter past...
It's burnout time, hefe.
(engine revving)
(tires squealing)
(grunting)
(Jose laughing)
Oh ho.
(bright orchestral music)
(dolphin buzzing)
(dog barking)
Alfie, hey, buddy.
(dog whining)
Alfie.
Hey, how was the party?
It wasn't exactly what I expected.
They didn't like the cheesecake?
Sorry, Marlo, maybe next time.
Reily, do you ever get
tired of living like this?
Like what?
I don't know, I mean,
are we nerds, do we look like nerds?
Nerd is a relative term,
Marlo, that can only be utilized
geographically based on
the common denominator
of what is considered popular and normal
by temporary social standing
within a fixed environment
or societal boundaries.
So?
Yes, we're nerds.
Got it.
Is this news to you?
No, not really I guess.
I'm just sick and tired of being laughed
at by everyone and not being respected.
Wait a second.
Does this have anything to do with Susie?
Yes, why do you ask?
Marlo, she's got a boyfriend.
He treats her like crap, Reily.
I mean, he doesn't deserve her.
She's an angel.
Be that as it may, she's also
a little bit out of your league.
Well I'm tired of hearing that.
I'm sick of being out of her league.
So tell me what I have to
do to win her affection.
Um, according to my recent
research on the female brain,
they're mainly attracted to
three categories of a man,
strength, sensitivity and romance.
So let's get you better in those areas,
and then you can approach Susie again.
Hey, maybe this time
she'll finally see you
as more than just a friend.
Do you really think that'll work?
What have you got to lose?
Time, money, health.
(sniffling)
My dignity.
It sounds like you're
in a relationship already.
(laughing)
Sorry, sorry, Reily.
It's okay.
Yes, I'll do it, I'll do it.
Okay, let's do it, no,
the high-five again.
[Reily] Yeah.
Awesome.
All right, what do I have
to do to make it happen?
What's the plan?
Uh.
(dramatic orchestral music)
(door screeching)
Uh, hello.
(groaning)
(bright orchestral music)
(shouting)
Ma'am.
(shouting)
Uh, ma'am.
(coughing)
(bones cracking)
A little bit busy, okay.
(shouting)
This is obviously a bad
time, so I'm just gonna go.
(speaking foreign language)
You are the Marlo Lasker?
Uh, yes, yes, master sensei, sir, yes.
My name is Marlo Lasker, my
friend Reily told me to stop by.
(shouting)
My name Grand Master PooDuDuu.
I came out of sandwich factory in Daegu.
Me no like the mustard.
Me neither, sir.
I'm allergic to mustard, so I hate it.
(speaking foreign language)
Yes, Master Sensei, I
have swallowed insects
before on multiple camping trips,
but I've never had one go
up my, buddada, I think.
We make you stronger.
Come, Marlo!
(soft chiming music)
(gong banging)
(master muttering)
It's really hot in here.
So, so warm.
You seem really experienced.
14 years.
Okay, is there anything
you'd be willing to teach me?
So much.
Ah, yes.
The shape-shifter tornado.
That sounds intense.
Watch and learn.
(lightning striking)
See, see it?
I see it.
What is it exactly?
Okay.
(coughing)
Something just went in my, my,
my body, what just happened?
It will serve you well
when you need it the most.
Got it.
Come on.
(speaking foreign language)
You seem really focused?
Hi, I'm Marlo.
What's your name?
My name is Thong-teet.
I don't have time to talk to nerd.
Sorry.
(master muttering)
(speaking foreign language)
(soft dramatic music)
(shouting in foreign language)
(soft dramatic music)
(choir singing)
(speaking foreign language)
(screaming)
(screaming)
(sniffing)
(shouting)
For rising sun!
(shouting)
(passing gas)
(fire burning)
(shouting)
(screaming)
(shouting)
Welcome to hell.
(growling)
Perfect.
I fed Buta to my pet turtle.
She died for honor.
Marlo san!
Yes, yes, yes, master PooPoo.
Arise to the Enlightenment!
Um, no, I'm good, on second thought,
you know, I think I'm just gonna,
oh, all right.
Master Pokemon,
I think there's been a
major misunderstanding.
I was trying to explain to
Thong-teet that, well, basically,
I only took this course
to become stronger,
because you see, there's
this girl I really like.
You must face your ultimate fear!
(speaking foreign language)
Grand master, please now listen,
my pheromones are rising
at an accelerated rate,
my muscles are spasming.
I suffer from a rare hormonal imbalance.
I've been to a number of physicians.
We have no doctor in Daegu!
You fight now!
Become stronger, Marlo!
Do it, nerd.
You get big penis muscle!
It's my first day, sensei, please.
Stop being such a bitch.
You are my student!
Oh, I'm starting to...
Obey me or die!
Ho, I need Benadryl,
does anyone have Benadryl?
You must face you ultimate
fear, samurai warrior!
Grand master, no, please.
Does anyone have Flonase or Benadryl?
(shouting in foreign language)
Master PooDuDuu, you are the king.
(master shouting in foreign language)
My allergies are too strong.
(shouting)
(passing gas)
(sneezing)
(screaming)
(dramatic orchestral music)
(wood breaking)
(shrieking)
This would have come
in handy twice today.
Safety, right, Thong-teet?
You are orange idiot.
(sneakers squeaking)
[Marlo] Do you mind if I keep these, or?
Take it and get out.
(soft dramatic music)
(Marlo exhaling)
So, tell me about yourself.
Well, you know, I like cheese and chess,
and I have a doggy named Alfie.
He's Italian.
Uh-huh.
And what about your parents, Marlo?
Tell me about them.
Actually, my parents were
killed in a helicopter accident
that involved pink
sheep and a can of Spam.
It happened on a Sunday,
so it was the Sabbath.
I see.
All right, Marlo, what
brings you in today?
Well, Miss Shaquanda,
I was actually hoping
that maybe you could teach me how to be
more sensitive to a woman's needs.
What did you say?
How to become more sensitive to a woman.
Because, you see,
there's this girl, Susie.
Wait, wait, wait, you mean to tell me
that you're willing to pay $125 an hour
because you genuinely wanna learn
how to be more sensitive to a woman?
I'm sorry, did you say $125 an hour?
I'm not really sure that
I have that kinda cash.
I must have read it wrong
on the website, I apologize.
I tutor, but I'm just a nerd.
So I don't (unzips bag), I don't know.
Nerd?
Well I'm sure there are other ways
you can pay for our session, young man.
What do?
(record scratching)
Okay, did you want me
to teach you how to do
a four-move checkmate, or...
Chess?
Oh yes, I want you to let
my castle sit on your bishop.
(grunting)
I can teach you how to like rook a king,
if you want, or something, I mean.
Oh yes, show me that king baby.
(Marlo shouting)
Oh you're so cute, I love nerds.
Give me that pocket protector.
Oh, oh, those nut huggers, geez.
I wanna party in your fanny pack.
I wanna squeeze your little nerd cheeks.
(both moaning)
Oh yes.
Shaquanda, what is happening?
Oh yes.
You like that?
Take me.
Take me, you stupid nerd, take me.
(both moaning)
Oh do it, baby.
Oh yes, oh yes.
(Shaquanda moaning)
Checkmate.
(moaning)
(bright orchestral music)
Ho ho.
(bright ringtone ringing)
Hi, Reily.
Hey, so how was therapy?
Well I think Miss
Shaquanda is a lovely woman
and extremely powerful, I
mean, I didn't even know
the human pinkie could do that.
But, you know, I just, I don't
think it's gonna work out
for me on a regular basis.
Plus, my pants are so
tight and I'm not sure why.
Marlo, you have to
approach this experience
with an open mind, otherwise
it's not gonna work.
You wanna date, Susie, correct?
Well, I mean, of course
I wanna date her, yeah,
but I just think I've done enough today.
Hey, I used my online
Starcraft contacts to get you
into that Shakespeare
class, so you're going.
But, Reily, I just, I just...
Marlo, you have to learn how
to romantically woo a woman.
So get to it.
Carpe diem, mi amigo.
(phone beeping)
Okay, this is getting a
little bit out of control now.
Maybe direct sunlight wasn't a good idea.
Maybe it was too much soil.
Yeah, too much nutrients,
it's like on steroids.
Steroids?
Well, I don't suppose
it could be any worse
than karate or therapy?
Come on, Alfie.
Hey, Mister.
(bright orchestral music)
(spits)
What are you, following me, nerd?
I know what you want.
(cash register ringing)
(spitting)
Keep your stupid quarter, nerd.
Nerd!
Two quarters.
Two quarters.
Two quarters.
(thudding)
(groaning)
That freaking nerd!
(growling)
That freaking nerd!
(audience applauding)
When one is performing Shakespeare,
you must do it with full commitment.
For Dionysus is watching,
and unless you want
Lee Strasberg to emerge from his grave
and rip off your genitalia,
your bloody testicles,
you had better be as
dedicated as Bruce Jenner.
It's Caitlyn.
Do I make myself clear?
[Group] Yes, Professor Caine.
Good.
Now let us have two new
young lovers up here
to discover truth.
(door closing)
You there.
(gasping)
What's your name?
Um, uh, Lasker, Marlo Lasker, sir.
Fantastic, all right then,
up you come, my little orange
thespian, onto the stage.
And who shall join him?
Kimberly.
(audience whistling)
All the way up.
(light orchestral music)
[Carl] Nerd!
All right, that's enough, now.
I like your shirt, nerd.
That's enough.
So let us dive right into one of the most
famous scenes of all time.
You mean like in the Godfather?
Al Pacino and Marlon Brando?
I want your shirt, nerd.
We are referring to
the classic balcony scene
from Romeo and Juliet.
Oh.
No, uh, in that case I probably shouldn't
because I have a slight fear of heights.
Nonsense, Marlo.
You must be courageous,
and show young Juliet
that your love can scale
the highest mountains.
Now let us simply use
the stage for our set.
Now take her hand.
Go on, take her hand.
There you go.
(light orchestral music)
Oh.
What do I do now?
The scene, of course.
Action!
Good pilgrim, you do
wrong your hand too much.
Which mannerly devotion shows in this?
For saints have hands, but
pilgrims' hands do touch.
And palm to palm is Holy Palmer's kiss.
(audience applauding)
Um.
She's epic.
Um, so, are we done?
Do you not know the lines, Marlo?
No, sorry.
It's my first day, so,
my bad.
There you go.
Thank you.
Ahem, have not saint's lips on your face
and Holy Palmer's too.
Oh then, dear saint, let your
dry lips do what hands do.
But probably not sexually, they probably,
I mean, I don't want you to
be offended or anything, so.
Nigel, he skipped my line.
(audience groaning)
Marlo, you must relax.
And you need to understand that you need
to romance young Juliet.
Therefore, be centered and calm.
But how do I do it?
What's the process?
This time, when you read
your text with Kimberly,
imagine a beautiful waterfall.
Or something else that makes
you happy and at peace.
You mean like Preparation H?
Preparation H it is, then.
Saints do not move, though
grant for prayer's sake.
(Marlo coughing)
Then move not while my
prayer's effect I take.
Thus from my lips by yours.
My sin is purged.
Ah.
Ew.
(cries)
(audience groaning)
Seriously?
(gasping)
Ah.
Uh.
Marlo, perhaps,
perhaps you're a little too relaxed.
Yeah.
Maybe.
Were you thinking about Preparation H?
No.
Root beer.
I see.
(upbeat orchestral music)
(sneakers squeaking)
Oh, for God sakes, class dismissed!
[Student] Nerd.
(traffic passing)
(bright ringtone ringing)
(Marlo sighing)
(phone beeping)
(upbeat ringtone ringing)
(gasping)
Susie, hi, yeah,
listen, I'm really sorry.
I'm on my way, I just gotta run home
real quick and change my pants.
Marlo.
[Marlo] And I'll be over for our
science tutoring in a flash.
Marlo, stop talking.
Don't come over tonight.
In fact, I don't think we should do
any more tutoring either.
What do you mean?
It's just, I think it's best
we don't see each other anymore.
Not even as friends.
But, Susie, I wanted to explain.
Goodbye, Marlo.
[Marlo] Susie!
I'm sorry, goodbye.
Wait.
(phone beeping)
Good job.
You'll thank me later.
(soft dramatic music)
Hey, I'm gonna go to
Chuck's to drink a few.
But you said we were gonna
watch a movie together.
I'll see you later.
But it's date night.
Later.
(Susie crying)
(Susie crying)
(Susie crying)
(seagull calling)
(soft dramatic music)
(choir singing in foreign language)
(Marlo sighing)
God,
please make me normal
so Susie will like me.
[Pastor] We've all
been made in his image
young man, even you.
I'm so sorry, sir, I didn't
know anyone else was here.
Please, call me Pastor King.
Now, what seems to be
the problem, young man?
Well, all right, Pastor King,
I've been in love with a girl
named Susie for months now,
but she's dating Caleb.
And since he's a jock and
I'm a nerd,
that's that.
Sometimes we need to
increase the faith in ourselves
in order to have the confidence
for a loving relationship such as this.
But I have, Pastor King, I really have.
I mean, I battled a drunken karate master,
I got sexually assaulted by a therapist,
I even urinated in a public theater.
Don't you pee in my church.
Yes, I mean no.
I won't.
This is new carpet.
It looks lovely, very soft.
Mm-hmm, oh yeah, it is.
Very soft.
(Pastor humming)
So, do you have any suggestions
on becoming a normal person?
(exhaling)
What you must understand, my son,
is that God made you
exactly how you need to be,
exactly how you are.
And that there's no such thing as, normal.
So rejoice in this.
(chuckles)
Wait, what about becoming stronger
and more sensitive and more romantic?
All of this is within you.
Search your heart and
find the inner truth.
You're right.
You're right, Pastor King!
Oh you're a genius, thanks
a ton for cheering me up!
No problem.
Oh, yeah.
And don't forget to tithe,
as God rewards those who do so.
Oh, uh, uh.
(Marlo licking)
(cash register ringing)
(Pastor clearing throat)
Um.
See what else I have.
The church accepts
donations that jingle,
but we'd rather have the kind that folds.
Oh.
Thank you.
I'm confused, I thought
the church received
most of their donations on Sundays.
And only get paid once a week?
Ain't nobody got time for that.
(phone beeping)
What's up, now?
You see that game?
Last two minutes was a killer.
Cleveland, Believe Land.
That's why they call him the King.
(door opening and closing)
(gasping)
Susie!
(dramatic orchestral music)
(Marlo thudding)
(door closing)
(dramatic orchestral music)
(train whistle blowing)
(bright orchestral music)
Susie.
Susie.
[Roger] I'm not washing
these dishes again.
[Woman] Well hell if I
am, you need to do them.
Susie.
Susie.
[Woman] Just do them, do
the damn dishes, please.
[Roger] Don't you use my
first name in this house.
I'm a Baptist.
[Woman] Roger, this stems back
to your childhood, don't it?
[Roger] Don't you dare
bring up my mother again.
[Woman] Oh come on.
(glass shattering)
(Susie shrieking)
Oh.
What the?
[Marlo] Susie.
Susie.
(exhaling)
Marlo?
Ha.
What the heck are you doing here,
and why did you break my window?
You could have just called.
Sorry, I had no cellphone service.
It's probably related
to their 53% stock loss.
I have Sprint.
Susie, I have something
very important to tell you.
Okay, what is it?
(Marlo clearing throat and vocalizing)
But soft, what light
through yonder window breaks?
But hopefully not shatters.
It is the east, and Juliet
is the sun, looking badass.
Probably a main sequence G2 star,
like in our own solar system.
More than likely.
(chuckling)
It's pretty intense.
Ahem, arise fair sun and
kill thy envious moon,
for she is already pale
and sick with grief
that thou, her maid, are
far more fairer than she.
Probably related to age degeneration
and a lack of moisture and lotions.
Um.
All right, that was close.
Well that's pretty much all
I have memorized so far, so.
What do you think?
I think you're a dead man.
(suspenseful orchestral music)
(Marlo gasping)
Caleb!
(Marlo gasping)
(Caleb laughing)
(Marlo groaning)
What did I say, huh?
I said stay away from my girl or I'd...
You'd kill me, you said you'd kill me.
So you geeks can hear after all, huh?
A nerd and a smartass.
(groaning)
Stop it, Caleb, let him go!
(gasping)
Quiet, woman, I wanna enjoy this.
Just leave him alone, okay.
He's not right for you, Susie.
I'm not gonna let some nerd
hit on what clearly belongs to me.
Belongs to you?
He's right, Susie, I'm sorry.
I never should have tried to ask you out.
Ask me out?
(laughing)
You both are pathetic.
(spits)
Beat it, loser.
Or the next time I see you
will be your last, I promise.
- Marlo.
- Let's go, babe.
No, no, Caleb.
I'm not going anywhere with you.
You're drunk.
Come on.
No, Marlo.
Marlo, wait, let me go.
No, Marlo, wait.
Marlo, help.
No, let me go.
Marlo, help.
Please, help.
Let me go.
Marlo, help, let me go.
No, I said no.
We're going home.
No, let me go, you big jerk, I said no!
(Susie shrieking)
(Marlo exhaling)
What are you doing?
[Caleb] We're going home.
(dramatic music)
Marlo san, listen to me.
I taught you everything I have.
Me?
You can do it, go!
But if I, I'm scared.
Do it, be a man!
Susie has a big breast,
what else do you want?
You can do it.
You remember your training, Marlo.
Do not be a coward.
You can face your fear.
I told you about everything,
don't be a chicken!
Don't be a little girl, be a man.
Well, uh, what do you recommend?
Don't go away, go fight.
I know, I know, but I can't
handle this kinda pressure.
I'm scared.
Use what Buta and I taught you.
Go shoot Fire Fart Fireball!
You gotta go and get her.
Susie, she's the girl for you.
Oh, you're right.
Go kick Caleb's balls!
Focus, focus.
I can do this.
Go fight and die for honor!
(upbeat dramatic music)
Oh oh.
Hey!
(suspenseful orchestral music)
You can give me atomic
wedgies, force moldy cheese
in my ears, put me on a mission
to Mars, twist my nipples,
heck, you can even force me
to milk an unwilling goat.
But you will not harm
the woman of my dreams.
I'm the woman of your dreams?
Oh my God, really?
It's true.
Wait, I thought you were gay.
Well, actually, we weren't
really sure there for a while,
but according to my eighth-grade
trigonometry teacher,
Miss McGarrity and an afternoon special,
I am heterosexual, apparently.
I've heard enough from this idiot.
(Susie gasping)
(suspenseful orchestral music)
Marlo, what are you doing?
Don't worry, I got this, babe.
Ugh.
(Marlo licking lips)
(dramatic music)
(Caleb belching)
Oh, what are you gonna do with that?
Grand master Dada.
(passing gas)
(Caleb shrieking)
(passing gas)
I did it.
Okay, freak, that's it.
You're dead.
(Susie shrieking)
(Marlo screaming)
(Shaquanda shouting)
Ain't nobody hurting
my little orange man.
You need sensitivity and Jesus.
Get off me, you fat whale!
Susie.
[Susie] Are you okay?
Susie?
(Marlo screaming)
Not so fast, Shylock.
Whoa.
Who the hell are you people?
And who's Shylock?
I don't know, I don't
know, I don't know.
I'm not him, dude.
You got the wrong guy, Mister.
Claudius, Macbeth,
Isis, you're all the same.
Bloody wankers.
Grotesque proof of a rotted generation
of societal inbreeds,
metaphorized with your MTV,
ADHD bollocks.
Rubbish!
Who are you?
I'm Marlo's bitch.
What?
Are you Michael Caine, the actor?
Uh, no, I'm his cousin, Nigel Caine.
I only allow chauvinistic
street scum such as yourself
to call me by my theatrical name.
Oh yeah, and what's that?
Harry Brown.
(whooshing)
(Caleb groaning)
Oh.
(Caleb crying)
Oh, no kids.
(Caleb moaning)
Oo.
Potato guns are fascinating.
Miss Shaquanda, are you all right?
How did you know where to find me?
I'm a stalker, plus I can spot
that little fine booty from anywhere.
Little Hips.
Little Hips?
It's a homo sapien expression of love.
And actually quite an
intelligent declaration
with regards to leaving
your backdoor open.
Oh.
Okay.
Mrs. Shaquanda, was it?
Actually, it's Miss.
Indeed, my dear.
For now.
Shall we?
Oh hell yeah.
Um, thanks, Professor Caine.
How did you know where to find me?
[Nigel] It was written in the script.
There's a script?
Susie, oh.
Oh.
Susie, are you all right?
Yeah, I think I'll be fine.
It was quite a day.
Yeah.
Looks like the sun is rising.
What about Caleb?
Is he gonna be okay?
(Caleb groaning)
Um, no, actually his
testicles might be crushed,
so, no, definitely not.
Oh, good.
Right.
Susie.
Yes.
There's been something I've been dying
to tell you this whole time.
Yeah?
I know I may not be the strongest,
or even the most sensitive or
romantic guy in our ZIP code, and
I understand if you never
wanna see me again but
I really like you.
And I just want you to know that
being science partners with
you for the past two months
is the best thing that's
ever happened to me.
I really like you too, Marlo.
Wait, wait, breathe,
breathe, breathe, breathe.
(Marlo inhaling)
I'm so sorry, what was it you said?
The lack of hemoglobin to my brain
gave me temporary memory loss.
I said, I really like you too.
(Marlo gasping)
Thanks, that was a close one.
Yeah.
Susie?
Yeah?
Will you go on a date with me?
Yes, Marlo.
Really, you will?
But what about, um...
Just, just stop talking.
And kiss me.
(soft romantic music)
Whoa.
(Marlo thudding)
(muffled shouting)
Thanks for the call, Homes.
No problem, mis amigos.
So, uh, what are you gonna do with him?
Nada, nada, you know,
we're going to take
him for a little ride, you know.
(bats striking)
(Caleb groaning)
(speaking foreign language)
Uh, okay, sounds good, I guess.
Sure.
Peace out, Marlo.
You take care, Marlo, and hey.
Um, thanks.
(engine starting)
(tires squealing)
(upbeat dance music)
(Jose laughing)
(birds chirping)
(bright ringtone ringing)
Hi, Reily.
Hey, I finally finished my solar system.
Wanna come see it?
Dude, I have to stop
by Susie's house first,
because we're gonna go to
the park for a picnic later.
Holy Linux server.
That's gotta be the third date this week.
I know, I know, I'm in high demand.
But listen, thanks a lot
for your advice, Reily.
I've gotta go, well that's Susie,
she's calling me right now,
I will have to call you back.
See you tonight, don't be late.
[Marlo] Okay, I won't.
How did this happen?
Okay, I can work with this.
Oo, my mom likes plants,
Mother's Day's coming up, so
it'd be the perfect
gift, she'll like that.
Hey, Turtle.
Hey, you.
When are you getting here?
I'm starving.
I know, I know.
Soon, I just have to hop on my wheels.
I'll be there in approximately 17 minutes,
minus wind resistance, of course.
See you soon, Monkey Butt.
Oh, I have a little surprise
for you, so hurry over.
Bye, kisses.
(Marlo blows kisses)
(phone beeping)
Alfie, we're gonna so see Susie.
Hey, Mister.
It's me.
Oh, no.
No no no, you stay away from me.
I don't need your money,
I'm fine, thank you.
Would you like some Parmesan cheese?
(bright orchestral music)
It's Italian.
I knew you wanted it,
just get, just take it.
I think we both know you want it.
Come on.
(bright music)
(bell dinging)
Alfie, Alfie, come on, buddy.
(whistling)
We gotta go see Susie.
Enjoy, Mister, see you later.
Hey, thanks, young man, yeah.
[Marlo] You're welcome, Carl.
Carl, how did you know my name was Carl?
Hey, how did you know my name?
(horn honking)
Oh shit.
(bell dinging and horn beeping)
Looks like the world's a better place
with us in it, huh, Alfie?
(dog barking)
What an adventure.
Where do we go from here?
Who knows, but one thing's
for certain, it'll be epic.
(bell dinging)
(horn beeping)
(upbeat orchestral music)
(bright orchestral music)
(Marlo gasping)
What the hell is this?
Only the best Limburger on
the market, you're welcome.
I need cash, not some stinking
cheese, you orange idiot!
You got it, Mister.
(rider laughing)
(Carl groaning)
Come on, Alfie, come on.
(Marlo humming)
I know it, we're gonna
go inside, you'll see.
Come on now, be a good boy.
Reily?
Looks like Reily's making
another experiment.
Okay, good for you, okay, come on, okay.
You did a really fantastic
job today, Alfie.
Way to nail that poop on the sidewalk.
(dog barking)
You earned it.
(dog barking)
(toy squeaking)
(phone pinging)
Hi there, folks,
this is Marlo Lasker.
I'm probably making Brie
or playing chess online.
Please leave a message.
(phone beeping)
[Reily] Marlo, I'm not
gonna be able to join you
at the party tonight.
I'm going to sudden death in
the county chess tournament,
but have fun.
(Marlo exhaling)
That's a bummer, Alfie.
(dog barking)
I mean, I'm happy for
Reily, he's gonna kick butt
in that chess tournament, I have no doubt.
But it sounds like he's not gonna be
going to the party after all.
Although I'm pretty sure that
Susie will still be there.
(dog barking)
Alfie, that is very inappropriate.
(dog barking)
So what do you think?
Do you think I should
still go to the party?
(dog barking)
You're right, Alfie, I can do this.
(Marlo panting)
I'm trying.
(bright orchestral music)
(Marlo sneezing)
(water running)
(dryer humming)
(Marlo thudding)
(phone ringing)
Susie, oh.
(bright orchestral music)
(whooshing)
(keys striking)
How's today's lesson going, Timmy?
It's good, I was just looking over your
queen sacrifice scenario, and I gotta say,
that's a real doozy there,
you're a risky fella.
The queen sacrifice
might appear so brazen
that a player might choose a safer route,
but an elite tactician will
always trust his instinct
and never shirk from risk.
Remember, you aren't
playing in a tournament
in order to paint pretty pictures.
You're playing to score points.
And avoid real sports, okay.
Yes.
Plus, you know, an
objectively unsound sacrifice
can have a tremendous psychological
effect on your opponent,
throwing him way off track.
In chess, as in life, risk often pays off,
or so I'm told, cool?
Oh, I got it, Marlo, thanks a ton.
You're welcome, Timmy.
And, um, today is payday, just FYI, so.
Here's your payment.
(cash register ringing)
Thanks, Timmy.
Oh, ah.
Oh, oh, oh oh.
(bike horn beeping)
(crickets chirping)
Whoa, listen, dweeb.
No parking your girly bicycle thing
near my sexy ride.
(car alarm beeping)
(retching)
(gasping)
Excuse me, sir, I
believe I should bring it
to your attention that in
2014, 9,937 people died,
unfortunately, in drunk driving accidents.
Now that would be one every 53 minutes.
I should also also let you know
that the conviction for DUI
comes with a high financial fine.
They will actually take
your license, you will get
imprisoned, at the same
time they'll probably
impound your vehicle.
So, if you value your
beautiful red-hot 928 more so
than your fading GPA, I'm assuming,
I highly recommend that
you allow this lovely woman
to take you home this evening.
Have a good night.
Excuse me.
I'm not drunk (retches).
(coughing)
(upbeat music)
So like, Brad was totally
checking you out the other day.
I know, but like he always does.
(clearing throat)
Excuse me, ladies.
Would either of you happen to know
where I could find Susie, Susie Banks?
She's in the living room.
Fantastic!
Oh, thanks a million.
Oh my God!
Are you for real making fun
of retarded people right now?
Uh, what do you mean?
I mean, you're obviously
not really like this, right?
I am so offended.
Oh, well, actually I'm
offended that you're offended.
You see, ladies, having an IQ of 157
gives me a very unique
perspective on the human race.
And although I am special
according to my late mother's
diary, I am not, nor would
I ever, make fun of those
given less intellectual
capacity than most,
i.e., since you're a natural blonde,
are we supposed to assume
that you're stupid?
Wow, now I'm really offended.
Once again, I'm offended
that you're offended.
So according to my calculations,
that puts four offendeds
between us, and since two
negatives equal a positive,
we now have double positives,
therefore, we just came out
a head, hashtag, nerd life.
(scoffing)
Technically, he's right.
You know no one likes you, right?
(bright orchestral music)
(balloon popping)
Oh oh, ah.
Cheese.
(balloon popping)
(whooshing)
(upbeat funky music)
Oh.
Susie.
(Marlo sighing)
(Marlo inhaling)
(coughing)
(Susie giggling)
- Hi, Susie.
- Hi, Marlo.
You made it.
Yeah, well I was
waiting at the front door
for your parents, but they didn't...
Don't worry about it.
Anyways, my parents are outta
the country for the month.
They're in Laos, diplomats.
Got it.
You know you're an hour
and a half late, right?
Really?
Yeah.
Oh, uh, oh my goodness, oh
my goodness, I'm so sorry.
I'm so embarrassed, I'm
so sorry, I apologize.
That's okay.
But I have a good reason.
Really?
It's just, I was doing something
special for your birthday present.
Do you wanna see it?
Yes, of course.
Tada.
Oh, you shouldn't have.
Well it's made from
vanilla extract and a hint
of European dynasty made from real
olive oil from the Greeks.
It was made by geeks, no,
it wasn't made by geeks,
it was made by the Greeks of 5000 BC.
Oh, that is so sweet of you, thank you.
Oh.
Girls, girls.
Girls, girls, girls, girls.
This is Marlo, he's the
one who's been helping me
in my astrophysics class
for the past two months.
He's the only reason I passed my exams.
That's not entirely accurate.
Once you understood quantum
mechanics, thermodynamics
and Aristarchus' heliocentric
theory, you pretty much
had 92.6% of the information
you need to know.
I'm really glad you decided to come.
Me too, Susie.
I was wondering if tonight would
be a good time to ask you...
Oh my God, baby, baby.
Baby.
(muttering)
(upbeat rock music)
Oh my God, you're not gonna believe this.
Jeremy!
(laughs)
Jeremy and I, we drew a penis,
on Chuck's face and tweeted it
to his entire church group online.
Yeah, his penis.
(both laughing)
That's nice, Caleb.
Hey, ladies.
Jeremy!
You're a pig.
[Jeremy] Shut up, Denise.
No, we're done, we're done, no.
[Jeremy] Denise, come on.
Come on.
Come on, come on.
Hey, who let the nerd in here?
Just stop it, Caleb, all right.
Not here, please.
Marlo was just bringing me...
Just what?
Just leaving.
Right?
Well, I, I, I just stopped by
because I was actually, I
baked a cheesecake for Susie.
Oh this cheesecake?
[Marlo] Yes, precisely.
Isn't it beautiful?
(Caleb sniffing)
Wow.
This smells and looks great.
Great job, buddy.
Um, thank you so much.
Hey, I'm feeling kinda thirsty.
Could you be a doll and
go get me some punch?
Sure, hon, be right back.
Oh.
Susie, what, where do you want the cake?
Hey, what was your name again?
Uh,
Lasker, Marlo Lasker.
Mm, cool.
Hey, tell me about your cheesecake.
Really?
Yeah.
Okay, well, I baked
it with vanilla extract.
Actually, Susie wanted, it was European...
Oo, oh (groans).
(girls laughing)
[Both] Loser.
My gosh, Marlo.
What happened?
Oh, he just had an accident.
Right, Marlo?
Um, I.
Uh.
Yeah, it was an accident.
Oh, Marlo, I'm sorry,
I'll get you a towel.
(Caleb belching)
Who said you could
come to the party, nerd?
Well actually Susie invited me, so I...
Oh, well, how nice.
Well I certainly wouldn't
want you to feel unwelcome.
Have you been offered something to drink?
Perhaps some punch?
Well, I am a little thirsty,
now that you mention it.
Oh, oh, oh.
(Marlo whimpering)
(soft dramatic music)
If you go near my girlfriend
again, I'll kill you.
You got that?
Beat it, nerd.
Ladies, let's go have some fun.
But don't tell my girlfriend.
(Marlo crying)
(upbeat music)
Yo, yo, yo, what's the deal, hefe?
Neighborhood watch up in this, bitch.
You better recognize, gringo.
Hey there, Hector, Jose,
how's it going, fellas?
We're just taking our
business to the next level.
(speaking foreign language)
You see any criminals,
or you need any favors,
you give us a call, man.
Okay, thanks, fellas, will do.
Hey, you know what time it is?
Well I think it's a quarter past...
It's burnout time, hefe.
(engine revving)
(tires squealing)
(grunting)
(Jose laughing)
Oh ho.
(bright orchestral music)
(dolphin buzzing)
(dog barking)
Alfie, hey, buddy.
(dog whining)
Alfie.
Hey, how was the party?
It wasn't exactly what I expected.
They didn't like the cheesecake?
Sorry, Marlo, maybe next time.
Reily, do you ever get
tired of living like this?
Like what?
I don't know, I mean,
are we nerds, do we look like nerds?
Nerd is a relative term,
Marlo, that can only be utilized
geographically based on
the common denominator
of what is considered popular and normal
by temporary social standing
within a fixed environment
or societal boundaries.
So?
Yes, we're nerds.
Got it.
Is this news to you?
No, not really I guess.
I'm just sick and tired of being laughed
at by everyone and not being respected.
Wait a second.
Does this have anything to do with Susie?
Yes, why do you ask?
Marlo, she's got a boyfriend.
He treats her like crap, Reily.
I mean, he doesn't deserve her.
She's an angel.
Be that as it may, she's also
a little bit out of your league.
Well I'm tired of hearing that.
I'm sick of being out of her league.
So tell me what I have to
do to win her affection.
Um, according to my recent
research on the female brain,
they're mainly attracted to
three categories of a man,
strength, sensitivity and romance.
So let's get you better in those areas,
and then you can approach Susie again.
Hey, maybe this time
she'll finally see you
as more than just a friend.
Do you really think that'll work?
What have you got to lose?
Time, money, health.
(sniffling)
My dignity.
It sounds like you're
in a relationship already.
(laughing)
Sorry, sorry, Reily.
It's okay.
Yes, I'll do it, I'll do it.
Okay, let's do it, no,
the high-five again.
[Reily] Yeah.
Awesome.
All right, what do I have
to do to make it happen?
What's the plan?
Uh.
(dramatic orchestral music)
(door screeching)
Uh, hello.
(groaning)
(bright orchestral music)
(shouting)
Ma'am.
(shouting)
Uh, ma'am.
(coughing)
(bones cracking)
A little bit busy, okay.
(shouting)
This is obviously a bad
time, so I'm just gonna go.
(speaking foreign language)
You are the Marlo Lasker?
Uh, yes, yes, master sensei, sir, yes.
My name is Marlo Lasker, my
friend Reily told me to stop by.
(shouting)
My name Grand Master PooDuDuu.
I came out of sandwich factory in Daegu.
Me no like the mustard.
Me neither, sir.
I'm allergic to mustard, so I hate it.
(speaking foreign language)
Yes, Master Sensei, I
have swallowed insects
before on multiple camping trips,
but I've never had one go
up my, buddada, I think.
We make you stronger.
Come, Marlo!
(soft chiming music)
(gong banging)
(master muttering)
It's really hot in here.
So, so warm.
You seem really experienced.
14 years.
Okay, is there anything
you'd be willing to teach me?
So much.
Ah, yes.
The shape-shifter tornado.
That sounds intense.
Watch and learn.
(lightning striking)
See, see it?
I see it.
What is it exactly?
Okay.
(coughing)
Something just went in my, my,
my body, what just happened?
It will serve you well
when you need it the most.
Got it.
Come on.
(speaking foreign language)
You seem really focused?
Hi, I'm Marlo.
What's your name?
My name is Thong-teet.
I don't have time to talk to nerd.
Sorry.
(master muttering)
(speaking foreign language)
(soft dramatic music)
(shouting in foreign language)
(soft dramatic music)
(choir singing)
(speaking foreign language)
(screaming)
(screaming)
(sniffing)
(shouting)
For rising sun!
(shouting)
(passing gas)
(fire burning)
(shouting)
(screaming)
(shouting)
Welcome to hell.
(growling)
Perfect.
I fed Buta to my pet turtle.
She died for honor.
Marlo san!
Yes, yes, yes, master PooPoo.
Arise to the Enlightenment!
Um, no, I'm good, on second thought,
you know, I think I'm just gonna,
oh, all right.
Master Pokemon,
I think there's been a
major misunderstanding.
I was trying to explain to
Thong-teet that, well, basically,
I only took this course
to become stronger,
because you see, there's
this girl I really like.
You must face your ultimate fear!
(speaking foreign language)
Grand master, please now listen,
my pheromones are rising
at an accelerated rate,
my muscles are spasming.
I suffer from a rare hormonal imbalance.
I've been to a number of physicians.
We have no doctor in Daegu!
You fight now!
Become stronger, Marlo!
Do it, nerd.
You get big penis muscle!
It's my first day, sensei, please.
Stop being such a bitch.
You are my student!
Oh, I'm starting to...
Obey me or die!
Ho, I need Benadryl,
does anyone have Benadryl?
You must face you ultimate
fear, samurai warrior!
Grand master, no, please.
Does anyone have Flonase or Benadryl?
(shouting in foreign language)
Master PooDuDuu, you are the king.
(master shouting in foreign language)
My allergies are too strong.
(shouting)
(passing gas)
(sneezing)
(screaming)
(dramatic orchestral music)
(wood breaking)
(shrieking)
This would have come
in handy twice today.
Safety, right, Thong-teet?
You are orange idiot.
(sneakers squeaking)
[Marlo] Do you mind if I keep these, or?
Take it and get out.
(soft dramatic music)
(Marlo exhaling)
So, tell me about yourself.
Well, you know, I like cheese and chess,
and I have a doggy named Alfie.
He's Italian.
Uh-huh.
And what about your parents, Marlo?
Tell me about them.
Actually, my parents were
killed in a helicopter accident
that involved pink
sheep and a can of Spam.
It happened on a Sunday,
so it was the Sabbath.
I see.
All right, Marlo, what
brings you in today?
Well, Miss Shaquanda,
I was actually hoping
that maybe you could teach me how to be
more sensitive to a woman's needs.
What did you say?
How to become more sensitive to a woman.
Because, you see,
there's this girl, Susie.
Wait, wait, wait, you mean to tell me
that you're willing to pay $125 an hour
because you genuinely wanna learn
how to be more sensitive to a woman?
I'm sorry, did you say $125 an hour?
I'm not really sure that
I have that kinda cash.
I must have read it wrong
on the website, I apologize.
I tutor, but I'm just a nerd.
So I don't (unzips bag), I don't know.
Nerd?
Well I'm sure there are other ways
you can pay for our session, young man.
What do?
(record scratching)
Okay, did you want me
to teach you how to do
a four-move checkmate, or...
Chess?
Oh yes, I want you to let
my castle sit on your bishop.
(grunting)
I can teach you how to like rook a king,
if you want, or something, I mean.
Oh yes, show me that king baby.
(Marlo shouting)
Oh you're so cute, I love nerds.
Give me that pocket protector.
Oh, oh, those nut huggers, geez.
I wanna party in your fanny pack.
I wanna squeeze your little nerd cheeks.
(both moaning)
Oh yes.
Shaquanda, what is happening?
Oh yes.
You like that?
Take me.
Take me, you stupid nerd, take me.
(both moaning)
Oh do it, baby.
Oh yes, oh yes.
(Shaquanda moaning)
Checkmate.
(moaning)
(bright orchestral music)
Ho ho.
(bright ringtone ringing)
Hi, Reily.
Hey, so how was therapy?
Well I think Miss
Shaquanda is a lovely woman
and extremely powerful, I
mean, I didn't even know
the human pinkie could do that.
But, you know, I just, I don't
think it's gonna work out
for me on a regular basis.
Plus, my pants are so
tight and I'm not sure why.
Marlo, you have to
approach this experience
with an open mind, otherwise
it's not gonna work.
You wanna date, Susie, correct?
Well, I mean, of course
I wanna date her, yeah,
but I just think I've done enough today.
Hey, I used my online
Starcraft contacts to get you
into that Shakespeare
class, so you're going.
But, Reily, I just, I just...
Marlo, you have to learn how
to romantically woo a woman.
So get to it.
Carpe diem, mi amigo.
(phone beeping)
Okay, this is getting a
little bit out of control now.
Maybe direct sunlight wasn't a good idea.
Maybe it was too much soil.
Yeah, too much nutrients,
it's like on steroids.
Steroids?
Well, I don't suppose
it could be any worse
than karate or therapy?
Come on, Alfie.
Hey, Mister.
(bright orchestral music)
(spits)
What are you, following me, nerd?
I know what you want.
(cash register ringing)
(spitting)
Keep your stupid quarter, nerd.
Nerd!
Two quarters.
Two quarters.
Two quarters.
(thudding)
(groaning)
That freaking nerd!
(growling)
That freaking nerd!
(audience applauding)
When one is performing Shakespeare,
you must do it with full commitment.
For Dionysus is watching,
and unless you want
Lee Strasberg to emerge from his grave
and rip off your genitalia,
your bloody testicles,
you had better be as
dedicated as Bruce Jenner.
It's Caitlyn.
Do I make myself clear?
[Group] Yes, Professor Caine.
Good.
Now let us have two new
young lovers up here
to discover truth.
(door closing)
You there.
(gasping)
What's your name?
Um, uh, Lasker, Marlo Lasker, sir.
Fantastic, all right then,
up you come, my little orange
thespian, onto the stage.
And who shall join him?
Kimberly.
(audience whistling)
All the way up.
(light orchestral music)
[Carl] Nerd!
All right, that's enough, now.
I like your shirt, nerd.
That's enough.
So let us dive right into one of the most
famous scenes of all time.
You mean like in the Godfather?
Al Pacino and Marlon Brando?
I want your shirt, nerd.
We are referring to
the classic balcony scene
from Romeo and Juliet.
Oh.
No, uh, in that case I probably shouldn't
because I have a slight fear of heights.
Nonsense, Marlo.
You must be courageous,
and show young Juliet
that your love can scale
the highest mountains.
Now let us simply use
the stage for our set.
Now take her hand.
Go on, take her hand.
There you go.
(light orchestral music)
Oh.
What do I do now?
The scene, of course.
Action!
Good pilgrim, you do
wrong your hand too much.
Which mannerly devotion shows in this?
For saints have hands, but
pilgrims' hands do touch.
And palm to palm is Holy Palmer's kiss.
(audience applauding)
Um.
She's epic.
Um, so, are we done?
Do you not know the lines, Marlo?
No, sorry.
It's my first day, so,
my bad.
There you go.
Thank you.
Ahem, have not saint's lips on your face
and Holy Palmer's too.
Oh then, dear saint, let your
dry lips do what hands do.
But probably not sexually, they probably,
I mean, I don't want you to
be offended or anything, so.
Nigel, he skipped my line.
(audience groaning)
Marlo, you must relax.
And you need to understand that you need
to romance young Juliet.
Therefore, be centered and calm.
But how do I do it?
What's the process?
This time, when you read
your text with Kimberly,
imagine a beautiful waterfall.
Or something else that makes
you happy and at peace.
You mean like Preparation H?
Preparation H it is, then.
Saints do not move, though
grant for prayer's sake.
(Marlo coughing)
Then move not while my
prayer's effect I take.
Thus from my lips by yours.
My sin is purged.
Ah.
Ew.
(cries)
(audience groaning)
Seriously?
(gasping)
Ah.
Uh.
Marlo, perhaps,
perhaps you're a little too relaxed.
Yeah.
Maybe.
Were you thinking about Preparation H?
No.
Root beer.
I see.
(upbeat orchestral music)
(sneakers squeaking)
Oh, for God sakes, class dismissed!
[Student] Nerd.
(traffic passing)
(bright ringtone ringing)
(Marlo sighing)
(phone beeping)
(upbeat ringtone ringing)
(gasping)
Susie, hi, yeah,
listen, I'm really sorry.
I'm on my way, I just gotta run home
real quick and change my pants.
Marlo.
[Marlo] And I'll be over for our
science tutoring in a flash.
Marlo, stop talking.
Don't come over tonight.
In fact, I don't think we should do
any more tutoring either.
What do you mean?
It's just, I think it's best
we don't see each other anymore.
Not even as friends.
But, Susie, I wanted to explain.
Goodbye, Marlo.
[Marlo] Susie!
I'm sorry, goodbye.
Wait.
(phone beeping)
Good job.
You'll thank me later.
(soft dramatic music)
Hey, I'm gonna go to
Chuck's to drink a few.
But you said we were gonna
watch a movie together.
I'll see you later.
But it's date night.
Later.
(Susie crying)
(Susie crying)
(Susie crying)
(seagull calling)
(soft dramatic music)
(choir singing in foreign language)
(Marlo sighing)
God,
please make me normal
so Susie will like me.
[Pastor] We've all
been made in his image
young man, even you.
I'm so sorry, sir, I didn't
know anyone else was here.
Please, call me Pastor King.
Now, what seems to be
the problem, young man?
Well, all right, Pastor King,
I've been in love with a girl
named Susie for months now,
but she's dating Caleb.
And since he's a jock and
I'm a nerd,
that's that.
Sometimes we need to
increase the faith in ourselves
in order to have the confidence
for a loving relationship such as this.
But I have, Pastor King, I really have.
I mean, I battled a drunken karate master,
I got sexually assaulted by a therapist,
I even urinated in a public theater.
Don't you pee in my church.
Yes, I mean no.
I won't.
This is new carpet.
It looks lovely, very soft.
Mm-hmm, oh yeah, it is.
Very soft.
(Pastor humming)
So, do you have any suggestions
on becoming a normal person?
(exhaling)
What you must understand, my son,
is that God made you
exactly how you need to be,
exactly how you are.
And that there's no such thing as, normal.
So rejoice in this.
(chuckles)
Wait, what about becoming stronger
and more sensitive and more romantic?
All of this is within you.
Search your heart and
find the inner truth.
You're right.
You're right, Pastor King!
Oh you're a genius, thanks
a ton for cheering me up!
No problem.
Oh, yeah.
And don't forget to tithe,
as God rewards those who do so.
Oh, uh, uh.
(Marlo licking)
(cash register ringing)
(Pastor clearing throat)
Um.
See what else I have.
The church accepts
donations that jingle,
but we'd rather have the kind that folds.
Oh.
Thank you.
I'm confused, I thought
the church received
most of their donations on Sundays.
And only get paid once a week?
Ain't nobody got time for that.
(phone beeping)
What's up, now?
You see that game?
Last two minutes was a killer.
Cleveland, Believe Land.
That's why they call him the King.
(door opening and closing)
(gasping)
Susie!
(dramatic orchestral music)
(Marlo thudding)
(door closing)
(dramatic orchestral music)
(train whistle blowing)
(bright orchestral music)
Susie.
Susie.
[Roger] I'm not washing
these dishes again.
[Woman] Well hell if I
am, you need to do them.
Susie.
Susie.
[Woman] Just do them, do
the damn dishes, please.
[Roger] Don't you use my
first name in this house.
I'm a Baptist.
[Woman] Roger, this stems back
to your childhood, don't it?
[Roger] Don't you dare
bring up my mother again.
[Woman] Oh come on.
(glass shattering)
(Susie shrieking)
Oh.
What the?
[Marlo] Susie.
Susie.
(exhaling)
Marlo?
Ha.
What the heck are you doing here,
and why did you break my window?
You could have just called.
Sorry, I had no cellphone service.
It's probably related
to their 53% stock loss.
I have Sprint.
Susie, I have something
very important to tell you.
Okay, what is it?
(Marlo clearing throat and vocalizing)
But soft, what light
through yonder window breaks?
But hopefully not shatters.
It is the east, and Juliet
is the sun, looking badass.
Probably a main sequence G2 star,
like in our own solar system.
More than likely.
(chuckling)
It's pretty intense.
Ahem, arise fair sun and
kill thy envious moon,
for she is already pale
and sick with grief
that thou, her maid, are
far more fairer than she.
Probably related to age degeneration
and a lack of moisture and lotions.
Um.
All right, that was close.
Well that's pretty much all
I have memorized so far, so.
What do you think?
I think you're a dead man.
(suspenseful orchestral music)
(Marlo gasping)
Caleb!
(Marlo gasping)
(Caleb laughing)
(Marlo groaning)
What did I say, huh?
I said stay away from my girl or I'd...
You'd kill me, you said you'd kill me.
So you geeks can hear after all, huh?
A nerd and a smartass.
(groaning)
Stop it, Caleb, let him go!
(gasping)
Quiet, woman, I wanna enjoy this.
Just leave him alone, okay.
He's not right for you, Susie.
I'm not gonna let some nerd
hit on what clearly belongs to me.
Belongs to you?
He's right, Susie, I'm sorry.
I never should have tried to ask you out.
Ask me out?
(laughing)
You both are pathetic.
(spits)
Beat it, loser.
Or the next time I see you
will be your last, I promise.
- Marlo.
- Let's go, babe.
No, no, Caleb.
I'm not going anywhere with you.
You're drunk.
Come on.
No, Marlo.
Marlo, wait, let me go.
No, Marlo, wait.
Marlo, help.
No, let me go.
Marlo, help.
Please, help.
Let me go.
Marlo, help, let me go.
No, I said no.
We're going home.
No, let me go, you big jerk, I said no!
(Susie shrieking)
(Marlo exhaling)
What are you doing?
[Caleb] We're going home.
(dramatic music)
Marlo san, listen to me.
I taught you everything I have.
Me?
You can do it, go!
But if I, I'm scared.
Do it, be a man!
Susie has a big breast,
what else do you want?
You can do it.
You remember your training, Marlo.
Do not be a coward.
You can face your fear.
I told you about everything,
don't be a chicken!
Don't be a little girl, be a man.
Well, uh, what do you recommend?
Don't go away, go fight.
I know, I know, but I can't
handle this kinda pressure.
I'm scared.
Use what Buta and I taught you.
Go shoot Fire Fart Fireball!
You gotta go and get her.
Susie, she's the girl for you.
Oh, you're right.
Go kick Caleb's balls!
Focus, focus.
I can do this.
Go fight and die for honor!
(upbeat dramatic music)
Oh oh.
Hey!
(suspenseful orchestral music)
You can give me atomic
wedgies, force moldy cheese
in my ears, put me on a mission
to Mars, twist my nipples,
heck, you can even force me
to milk an unwilling goat.
But you will not harm
the woman of my dreams.
I'm the woman of your dreams?
Oh my God, really?
It's true.
Wait, I thought you were gay.
Well, actually, we weren't
really sure there for a while,
but according to my eighth-grade
trigonometry teacher,
Miss McGarrity and an afternoon special,
I am heterosexual, apparently.
I've heard enough from this idiot.
(Susie gasping)
(suspenseful orchestral music)
Marlo, what are you doing?
Don't worry, I got this, babe.
Ugh.
(Marlo licking lips)
(dramatic music)
(Caleb belching)
Oh, what are you gonna do with that?
Grand master Dada.
(passing gas)
(Caleb shrieking)
(passing gas)
I did it.
Okay, freak, that's it.
You're dead.
(Susie shrieking)
(Marlo screaming)
(Shaquanda shouting)
Ain't nobody hurting
my little orange man.
You need sensitivity and Jesus.
Get off me, you fat whale!
Susie.
[Susie] Are you okay?
Susie?
(Marlo screaming)
Not so fast, Shylock.
Whoa.
Who the hell are you people?
And who's Shylock?
I don't know, I don't
know, I don't know.
I'm not him, dude.
You got the wrong guy, Mister.
Claudius, Macbeth,
Isis, you're all the same.
Bloody wankers.
Grotesque proof of a rotted generation
of societal inbreeds,
metaphorized with your MTV,
ADHD bollocks.
Rubbish!
Who are you?
I'm Marlo's bitch.
What?
Are you Michael Caine, the actor?
Uh, no, I'm his cousin, Nigel Caine.
I only allow chauvinistic
street scum such as yourself
to call me by my theatrical name.
Oh yeah, and what's that?
Harry Brown.
(whooshing)
(Caleb groaning)
Oh.
(Caleb crying)
Oh, no kids.
(Caleb moaning)
Oo.
Potato guns are fascinating.
Miss Shaquanda, are you all right?
How did you know where to find me?
I'm a stalker, plus I can spot
that little fine booty from anywhere.
Little Hips.
Little Hips?
It's a homo sapien expression of love.
And actually quite an
intelligent declaration
with regards to leaving
your backdoor open.
Oh.
Okay.
Mrs. Shaquanda, was it?
Actually, it's Miss.
Indeed, my dear.
For now.
Shall we?
Oh hell yeah.
Um, thanks, Professor Caine.
How did you know where to find me?
[Nigel] It was written in the script.
There's a script?
Susie, oh.
Oh.
Susie, are you all right?
Yeah, I think I'll be fine.
It was quite a day.
Yeah.
Looks like the sun is rising.
What about Caleb?
Is he gonna be okay?
(Caleb groaning)
Um, no, actually his
testicles might be crushed,
so, no, definitely not.
Oh, good.
Right.
Susie.
Yes.
There's been something I've been dying
to tell you this whole time.
Yeah?
I know I may not be the strongest,
or even the most sensitive or
romantic guy in our ZIP code, and
I understand if you never
wanna see me again but
I really like you.
And I just want you to know that
being science partners with
you for the past two months
is the best thing that's
ever happened to me.
I really like you too, Marlo.
Wait, wait, breathe,
breathe, breathe, breathe.
(Marlo inhaling)
I'm so sorry, what was it you said?
The lack of hemoglobin to my brain
gave me temporary memory loss.
I said, I really like you too.
(Marlo gasping)
Thanks, that was a close one.
Yeah.
Susie?
Yeah?
Will you go on a date with me?
Yes, Marlo.
Really, you will?
But what about, um...
Just, just stop talking.
And kiss me.
(soft romantic music)
Whoa.
(Marlo thudding)
(muffled shouting)
Thanks for the call, Homes.
No problem, mis amigos.
So, uh, what are you gonna do with him?
Nada, nada, you know,
we're going to take
him for a little ride, you know.
(bats striking)
(Caleb groaning)
(speaking foreign language)
Uh, okay, sounds good, I guess.
Sure.
Peace out, Marlo.
You take care, Marlo, and hey.
Um, thanks.
(engine starting)
(tires squealing)
(upbeat dance music)
(Jose laughing)
(birds chirping)
(bright ringtone ringing)
Hi, Reily.
Hey, I finally finished my solar system.
Wanna come see it?
Dude, I have to stop
by Susie's house first,
because we're gonna go to
the park for a picnic later.
Holy Linux server.
That's gotta be the third date this week.
I know, I know, I'm in high demand.
But listen, thanks a lot
for your advice, Reily.
I've gotta go, well that's Susie,
she's calling me right now,
I will have to call you back.
See you tonight, don't be late.
[Marlo] Okay, I won't.
How did this happen?
Okay, I can work with this.
Oo, my mom likes plants,
Mother's Day's coming up, so
it'd be the perfect
gift, she'll like that.
Hey, Turtle.
Hey, you.
When are you getting here?
I'm starving.
I know, I know.
Soon, I just have to hop on my wheels.
I'll be there in approximately 17 minutes,
minus wind resistance, of course.
See you soon, Monkey Butt.
Oh, I have a little surprise
for you, so hurry over.
Bye, kisses.
(Marlo blows kisses)
(phone beeping)
Alfie, we're gonna so see Susie.
Hey, Mister.
It's me.
Oh, no.
No no no, you stay away from me.
I don't need your money,
I'm fine, thank you.
Would you like some Parmesan cheese?
(bright orchestral music)
It's Italian.
I knew you wanted it,
just get, just take it.
I think we both know you want it.
Come on.
(bright music)
(bell dinging)
Alfie, Alfie, come on, buddy.
(whistling)
We gotta go see Susie.
Enjoy, Mister, see you later.
Hey, thanks, young man, yeah.
[Marlo] You're welcome, Carl.
Carl, how did you know my name was Carl?
Hey, how did you know my name?
(horn honking)
Oh shit.
(bell dinging and horn beeping)
Looks like the world's a better place
with us in it, huh, Alfie?
(dog barking)
What an adventure.
Where do we go from here?
Who knows, but one thing's
for certain, it'll be epic.
(bell dinging)
(horn beeping)